Ronal Barbaren (2011) Movie Script
In the beginning there was only darkness.
And in the darkness was born the demon Zaal, -
Ruler of the Underworld -
And the oppressor of humans kind.
But from the shadows came Crane,
the warrior of warriors -
and bearer of the God Sword.
He free human kind -
and led them to victory.
But the price of victory was high.
For Crane suffered a wound
through the heart, -
- which bled for seven days
and seven nights.
And a hundred warriors
drank his blood.
And were given his strength.
And Crane looked at them
and saw that all was good.
And then he died.
Thus, the barbarians were created, -
Sons of Crane.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Listen, guys.
Strength! Courage! Fearlessness!
That is what
Crane gave to our people.
For thousands of generations,
generation after generation, -
- his blood has rushed
undiluted through our veins.
This is what we celebrate every year,
before we go on quests.
But first and foremost
is the blood of Crane, that makes us, -
- The barbarians,
the greatest warriors throughout Metalonia.
Okay, Ronal, it's your turn.
Ronal is sick...
Ronal is sick today.
Ronal!
Can't you pass over me?
I have a sore elbow.
Maybe I'm getting
dry skin... or...
- Joint Inflammation.
- Dammit, Ronal.
Put all your strength into it.
I'm looking
forward to this.
Oh, for God's sake, Ronal, man.
One.
Can't...
...do...
...more!
You must get
in shape before the quest.
A barbarian who can't
swing an ax, is... uh...
Anyway, not a real barbarian.
What do I need to quest for?
I'll just get in the way.
- Can't I hang out here?
- You are a Son of Crane.
A Son of Crane goes on quests and
kills monsters and returns in glory.
- It is the essence of being a barbarian.
- Uncle, look at me.
What should I do to monsters? Buckle on a
muscle suit and hope they die of laughter?
What then, Ronal?
Have you got any better ideas?
Fucking funny. Have you got
any brain cells?
What? Where? If there is one on my back,
can you press it out?
Listen here, kid. When you go on quests,
it is more about big balls -
not arms. Heroism.
Once you've grasped it, you'll have
no problem crushing the enemy.
I just find it hard to overlook,
that we can die!
Just shut up and train.
What is it?
The alarm. Everyone to arms!
At your posts! Move!
- Get to it!
- Yes, yes!
Barricade the gate!
Come on! Pull!
Up on the barricades, stand ready!
Quiet.
Wait.
Quiet!
Who's there?
Hail, noble barbarians.
We are Master Florien, -
a bard and our music.
We simply want,
for humble payment, of course, -
- to enrich your banquet
and your spectacular muscles -
- with noble sonatas of your past
heroes and heroines.
Attack!
- Songs. They sing songs at feasts.
- Feasts?
Check out their incredibly
dangerous tuba on the roof.
Let them in.
- No!
- Damn.
It's a bloody hundred years ago,
since I last split some skulls.
How the hell should I know
it was a tuba?
Yo, girls. How about
you wash my sick, virile, -
resilient, filthy -
awesome lute?
There shall be only practice, nothing frivolous,
young Alibert. The art calls.
We have to be ready.
Isn't there just a little bit of time
to walk around and look?
A true bard
remembers all the songs perfectly.
How perfect does it need to be?
Shouldn't we be on quests?
The barbarians are leaving tomorrow.
We could go with them.
Go with the flow.
I have to meet girls, man.
Maybe,
write some heroic poem.
Or something like that,
You know, with those verses.
Oh, young Alibert.
Only when you learn all the songs, -
can you make that kind of poem.
- What? That'll take a hundred years.
- Nonsense. It won't take that long.
I was only 57 when I finished
my apprenticeship.
Ouch! Fucking great.
Can Rikke, can Rikke,
can Rikke drink beer?
Can Rikke,
can Rikke, can Rikke drink beer?
Oh, it's good, man.
Can any one of you little children
guzzle a small pint of beer?
Alibert!
So I was on the hunt -
- And then I just run into
an ork and killed it.
- Here you go, honey. Wear it.
- Oh, how cute.
Yes, it brings out your eyes.
You have to see this too.
This is a real
invisibility lotion.
I used it,
when I snuck into a harem.
Cool, right? Total chick magnet.
So you can't see
who is attacking you.
What was that? Hey, there it is again.
And now it stopped.
- There it is again.
- Ouch, Gorak. Let me be.
- It will not stop.
- For God's sake, stop it!
Oh, Ronal, damn man.
All sons of Crane are here,
Prince Volcazar.
Then it's time.
- Can I take the watch for a bit?
- What about the feast?
I'm just kind of... a little tired.
Okay, then. Remember to blow the horn,
if you see something suspicious.
- Do you think you can handle that?
- I'm not an idiot.
- I want to be alone.
- It's a large horn.
Remember, breathe in.
Deep down in the stomach. And...
Damn, Uncle.
Who would attack us?
We're fucking barbarians.
We smash everything.
- We've never been attacked.
- That may well be.
But it's the principle,
which is important.
That boy will be the end of me one day.
QUEST-MAGAZINE
Fucking barbarians, man.
What the hell is this?
We're being attacked?
We're being attacked!
Get your weapons!
No, no!
- We're ready to attack!
- Let hell rain down.
Fuck! Fuck!
Fire!
Attack! Show no mercy!
- Look! Fireworks!
- Did we order that?
We're being attacked!
Barbarians, defend yourselves!
Hup, hup, hup!
Oh, thank heavens.
They're saved.
This is a mad, fucking sick party, man.
- Bummer!
- No!
Help! Help!
Punch! Smack!
Bash! Muscles!
I don't think
there are any more.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
He's mine.
We're done for.
Why didn't you blow the horn?
- I tried!
- You tried?
"Trying" isn't good enough, Ronal.
Get up. We must rescue the others.
The famous sons of Crane.
How pathetic.
Put them in chains.
Leave no one behind.
We Barbarians shall never surrender!
Everyone must bow to me...
No!
...or die!
No!
- Take them away.
- You heard Prince Volcazar!
Get the last barbarians in the cart.
Come on!
Put him in! Move!
- Come here!
- No, I won't...
- In with them!
- What the hell?
Remember your shoes and bags... axes!
We will not come back
and get them!
General? This prisoner
doesn't fit in the shackles.
- Should I just throw him away?
- That's not a barbarian.
- Drag him over there and kill him.
- Oh, thank you.
- Lucky son of a bitch.
- He's always the one who get to do it.
- Kicking ass feels good
- Kicking ass feels good
- as a bonus, it is really nice
- as a bonus, it is really nice
sits well
feels good
No, I can't die. Help! Help!
Shut up,
this is really exciting.
Oh, man. Shit, it's night, man.
My head, man.
The town is torn up, what happened?
Where did everyone go?
Did they go to the after party?
Hey, you, wait!
Ro... Ronal.
Uncle. You're alive.
Not for long.
Crane... calls to me.
No, uncle,
it's probably just a... flesh wound.
Ronal when your parents died,
I swore to take care of you.
And I've kept that promise. But now
it's your turn to promise something.
Promise me that you will save the others.
You owe it to them.
- What? I can't save them.
- Promise me!
- But...
- Travel north to the oracle.
- He will help you.
- Oracle? How?
You are our only hope, Ronal.
The last of the barbarians.
Uncle? Uncle?
Uncle?
Gorak's invisibility lotion.
Yo.
- What happened? Going on a quest?
- Uh, no. I must find the others.
Well, okay.
- It's a quest. You are going on a quest!
- No. I have to find my people.
Awesome, this is a quest.
Wait a minute.
- Who are you?
- Hey. Alibert, the bard.
Damn nice to be joining you.
You can't say no;
I'll just follow you anyway.
Now we are on our way, shall we
go through the Amazon land?
- No.
- The girls down there would be lovely.
- We should investigate.
- Listen to me.
- Don't follow me.
- Those girls are super horny.
- No!
- Fuck, you're boring, man.
Now I know where we're going. We're headed
to Berylia. They have ladies with tails.
And four breasts! This could be
awesome, man!
- No, it's not.
- Come on. Why are we here?
- I need to talk to an oracle.
- Is that a kind of travel agent?
Sick crib.
Hello?
- Hello?
- It's about time.
I've been sitting here since last Wednesday.
Are you coming or what?
- Sorry, what?
- Heck, I need to be wiped.
You aren't the home care?
- No, we...
- Wait!
Gondar has sent me...
That's it. You came just in time.
And be careful with my haemorrhoids.
He is a mighty warlord,
this Prince Volcazar, that you're talking about.
dark forces from the underworld protect him.
I'm not really
interested in fighting with him.
Volcazar is looking for power
throughout Metalonia.
So far, no one has
been able to stop him.
Wow.
He wears an impenetrable armour over
his body. No weapon can harm him.
Only one sword has the strength
to crush him.
Watch.
- Oh, sick.
- What's so special about it?
It should especially be known to you, barbarian.
This is the sword of Crane.
That's a joke, right?
Honestly, it doesn't exist.
Everybody has been looking for the damn sword -
- for thousands of years,
and no one has found it.
It's just a silly story.
Crane's sword is not a myth.
Only it can damage Prince Volcazar.
You can never save your people
without killing him first.
But I can't.
Only a great warrior without fear
in his heart will be able to use it.
Without a great warrior
you will not defeat Volcazar.
And without a great warrior
your people are damned!
But I could be wrong.
I'm just an oracle.
It's not your fault the
barbarians were captured, is it?
Gu'ra zul!
Wizard!
Lord, time is fast approaching. The resurrection
at the underworld temple must begin soon.
Otherwise it will be impossible to carry out
the ritual. Have we caught the sons of Crane?
- The mission is complete.
- Fantastic. Now nothing can stop us.
Mighty Zaal. The sons of Crane are assembled.
Awake from your slumber!
What is happening?
Finally.
- What?
- What now?
The mighty Zaal is not satisfied.
We're missing a Son of Crane.
- Impossible. Unless...
- I don't understand...
- We left none alive.
- Fool!
I need the blood of all living
barbarians, and you let one escape.
- I don't understand.
- Find him for me. Now!
for they are on a quest,
Alibert and Ronal
the greatest heroes
in Metalonia
ooh-ooh
it's going so well
and the girls they say
Alibert
you're so sexy
My village has been burned,
and I must find the sword of Crane.
Can't you be quiet, for God's sake,
just five minutes, so I can think?
- I'll sing a barbarian song instead.
- For God's sake, no.
and Crane drew his proud sword
and drove with all his force
the blade deep in Zaal
and Zaal's skull burst
Wait a minute. The song.
What was it?
"The Epic of Crane".
There are 2073 verses,
and I know them all by heart.
Crane gets tons of pussy.
- Why didn't you say this before?
- That he gets pussy?
No, about the song. It's about Crane.
You just sang a verse about his sword.
Is there one that says where it is?
from the chest of Crane the blood flowed
it bled day and night
No no. After he dies. Come on. Sing.
in his tomb was placed the sword
the place is now forgotten
only the Book of Wisdom in Efland
knows where it is stored
The Book of Wisdom in Efland.
That's it.
- We need to go to Efland.
- What do you think?
- This is how we find the sword!
- Elf girls are crazy sexy.
This will be a great quest.
Okay, I have two rules for the
quest. One: This is not a quest.
And two: we see something that is even
the least bit unsafe, we go around.
- Is that a deal?
- Got it.
Is it rule number one or two,
that we just violated?
Run for your life.
Shit! What the hell happened?
What the hell did this?
No! No!
Ouch!
- Who are you? Are you one of them?
- My... my neck.
Answer me!
I'm just a random
passer-by. I swear.
It was not my intention
to disturb you in the middle of your...
- Slaughter of random men.
- They challenged me to a duel.
Oh no, not again.
Get out of here.
I'll let you live.
She is like, the warrior,
we need for the sword of Crane.
What? Are you insane?
She is a fucking violent psychopath.
- Yes, exactly. Ask her.
- No.
Wanker. Yo, beautiful. My friend Ronal
would like to ask you something.
We could use a killer like you -
- on our quest, you know.
In order to save his people.
And as a little bonus, I would
let you play on my lute.
I don't know what he's talking about.
put your hand on my lute
and let me teach you to suck
I don't want to learn to play
your instrument.
- You are extremely uptight.
- I said it wasn't a good idea.
Another must rescue the barbarians.
- Did you say barbarians?
- Um, yes.
- The barbarians, those are your people?
- Uh, of course.
Those, that they say,
are the greatest warriors in Metalonia?
Yes.
That's a worthy cause.
I'll go with you.
What?
I'm Sandra from the shield maiden clan.
- Where are you headed?
- Efland.
- We need to find out where it is.
- We will need a guide.
- There is a town nearby. Come.
- No, wait. You can't just...
- Do you have a problem with that?
- Now... uh, no.
- Super. Come.
- I swear, you scored her, man.
Son of Crane! Son of Crane!
Come on! Faster!
Oh, cool.
Shave my legs and call me Susan,
if this is not the coolest place.
- Okay, we're here.
- Uh, okay.
What's up, assholes?
Can I trouble one of you
to call me a taxi?
- Fuck.
- Sweet. It's happy hour.
There are a lot in there today.
Stay behind me.
We'll enter quietly,
find a guide -
- and then leave
before anyone notices us.
And without a fight, okay?
Please?
- As you wish.
- Thank you.
Bing, bing-li-bing-bing.
In your ass.
Son of Crane! Son of Crane!
So I said to her: "Your breasts
look tired. Should I hold them?"
Your mother has always
had the largest tits.
Hey! Hey! Stop that, buddy.
I'll tell you.
She was angry, man.
You can't win them all.
But you can try.
- What do you want?
- We're looking for a guide.
There is only one left. Down by the
bathroom. Ask for Elric.
Hey, who ordered a pint
and a double Manhattan?
Okay. Thanks.
Uh, hey. Uh, are you Elric?
The voice of the wind
lights the evening sun's embrace.
Stellar Children,
great Mother Sun now rests.
The darkness comes as a
pensive sigh.
I sensed you would come. We
elves are connected with all living things.
Let our souls meet.
You bear the dreams of an eagle
and the will of a mouse.
Mighty blood dwells in your heart.
Kormamin lindua ka'elja.
Yes, that sounds exciting. My name is
Ronal, and I have some place...
Names have no meaning.
- I need...
- Spiritual or physical guidance?
We need to find Efland.
The wind's voice shall tell me,
whether I should help you. Stand still!
Let me penetrate your aura.
Kormamin lindua ka'elja.
Kormamin lindua...
The wind says, I shall follow you.
My bow will sing with your sword.
Okay...
Damn.
- Hey, I found him.
- My bow will sing with your sword.
Yes. Come, let's get out of here.
Hey, shield maiden, you're leaving already?
What do you say to a little dance?
Hey, guys, sorry,
we were just leaving.
- I accept your challenge.
- What?
He must defeat me or die.
- We shouldn't create any problems.
- He challenged me.
You promised. In and out, without fighting.
Okay. So, you take care of it yourself.
Hey, shield maiden, what's it going to be?
Listen...
Friend, I know,
it's super cool to fight, -
- but we're in a bit of a hurry, and there
are probably plenty of others here who would fight, -
- so if it's okay with you,
I think we'll just leave.
- Sandra!
- Not supposed to fight.
That'll make a nice soup base.
Learn to ride!
Have you seen this before?
I can teach you to play it.
Does it make you horny?
I sense
much aggression in the room.
Any last words, chump?
- He's dead.
- What the hell?
I'm going to make you pay
for throwing up on me.
- Now you're going to get a new asshole.
- That's enough. Let him be.
Black Riders.
Son of Crane! Son of Crane!
- Take him!
- No! Help!
Sandra!
Nobody stands up to Prince
Volcazar's riders and lives!
It's going to explode!
Move!
Hey! Who is it that ordered
the double Manhattan?
Ouch, my ass!
110% ALCOHOL
Goddamn!
Fabulous, my lord. One more shot,
and then you've beaten the record.
But we have to find the last
Son of Crane before the next full moon.
- You're ruining my concentration.
- I'm sorry.
- Hello?
- He escaped, sir.
The task is more difficult than we thought.
He has the help of a strong warrior.
We'll need reinforcements.
I will not tolerate any more failures!
Bring them to me. Both of them.
Do you know where we are?
It seems like we're going in circles.
The wind speaks to my soul.
We will soon be in the elvish realm.
You said that two days ago.
We're lost, damn it.
We're going to die of thirst.
- Ha.
- What's so funny?
I have heard that barbarians are strong and
quick to fight, but you're neither.
You just bitch and whine.
It's really funny when you consider
the heritage you come from.
Why are you with us
if you think all I do is whine?
- What's your deal with the barbarians?
- None of your business.
Stop! See.
- And that means...?
- We elves can communicate with everything.
I will unite myself with its soul
and get it to show us the way.
Kormamin lindua ka'elja.
Kormamin lindua...
Ouch! My beautiful elf lip!
There. On the other side. There is no
labyrinth on the other side.
The entrance to Efland.
I did it.
Elf gate, I greet you.
You didn't know it was here?
- Oh! Wild!
- Come on.
Stop! First, our souls are weighed
by the Gate Keepers.
Only those with the right character
may be allowed to go through.
What about those
who do not have the right character?
Who? Well.
They are crushed by the rock wall.
- Well, shall we go?
- I can't.
- What?
- I'm a miserable barbarian.
I don't have
the right character.
- You've misunderstood the meaning.
- Forget it. We'll go around.
When you're on a quest,
follow the guide.
The only thing we get out of that,
is being killed.
But now you call it a quest,
so, remember that it is my quest.
And I've decided that we go around
this ridiculous gate. Come on!
See. No booby traps, no gates,
nothing.
This quest-nonsense is so predictable.
If you just think a bit outside...
- Ouch, my tailbone, man.
- What the hell was that?
We have offended the Gate Keepers.
I sense...
...great danger!
Run!
Faster!
Ronal!
Come!
Ouch, man.
Fool! Your stupid idea almost
got us all killed.
I just tried
to steer us away from trouble.
You tried? Well, "trying"
isn't good enough, Ronal.
On any quest
there's bound to be problems.
Solve them instead of going around.
There's the Temple of the Elves.
The focal point
of all wisdom in the world.
The Book of Wisdom lies
in the tower's upper chamber -
- so the moon can read
on his voyage across the night sky.
It is the holiest of holy books.
- Fair enough. So we'll just go on up and grab it.
- Quiet!
Look.
No one from the outside is allowed in. The King's
archers have eyes like hawks.
- Shit.
- They kill everything they see.
So we'll have to do it the hard way.
I'll take these two.
No.
- I'll do it.
- What?
Alone.
Think about it. They'll kill you,
as soon as they see you.
I know, -
they're not going to see me.
There isn't much left
and I'm the smallest. Wait here.
I could have used
that in high school.
How do I look? Invisible, right?
- What?
- You missed a spot.
Fuck! It's empty.
Fuck, so typical.
Relax, Ronal. They're small dumplings,
nobody will notice.
- Wait here.
- Good luck, Ronal. Don't get killed.
Ouch!
"I have a headache," "I'm tired"
"The kids will wake up!", and blah, blah, blah.
Having such a wife is a bummer,
man.
Bitch!
Ouch!
Who's there?
Hmm, nothing there.
- Where were we? Are you ready for this Saturday?
- Are you crazy? I was born ready!
- Hell yeah!
- I must be a crazy psycho!
That's open.
Ouch!
Fuck, I'm in bad shape.
Oh!
Ah!
Cursed rats!
Oh!
Wow. There it is.
So where is it?
Sword of Crane, -
- Sword of Crane,
how the hell do I find the Sword of Crane?
There it is.
The Sword of Crane.
Well, that was easy enough.
It's like no one
can see me.
- A killer rat!
- Kill the rat!
Use the poisoned arrows.
After it!
Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
Faster!
Shoot it down!
- Ow, damn it!
- Yes! The pig is down!
Well, how much
are you going to drink?
- Nothing. I'll smoke instead.
- Did you get Elrond's mother's weed?
Ouch.
The page says that Crane was
buried in the Eternal Mountain.
My elfin soul feels,
that it is far, far away...
Isn't that it right there?
...that it is nearby.
Destiny is on our side.
Ouch.
No more.
- I was wrong about you.
- What?
There in the temple. You did it.
Yes, more or less in any case.
You make the barbarians proud.
Uh. Thanks.
Well, um... I have to
polish my axe.
I was thinking...
I've never really said...
...thank you for coming with me.
Actually, I don't know how I would
have made it this far without you.
Uh... okay.
Well, we'd better get some sleep.
Maybe we'll find the Sword of Crane tomorrow.
I'll keep watch. We elves need
no sleep. You can sleep safely.
- Can I ask you something, Ronal?
- Uh, yes, of course.
What are the barbarians like?
- They're not very clever.
- I thought more...
What are they like in here?
Well.
Uh.
A barbarian is always ready to help
those that need it.
Regardless of how dangerous or difficult
it is. And they go on quests all the time.
They're not afraid of anything.
Hard to believe I'm one of them, right?
- And they're great warriors?
- Yep. The best in the world.
It's just so difficult
to find a proper warrior.
Yeah. Uh, what?
I come from
an ancient clan of shield maidens.
Far, far away from here.
Our religion requires that I only
marry the warrior that can defeat me.
Many have tried
to defeat me -
but I'm too strong.
And for every duel I won,
I just got stronger.
Meanwhile, I could only watch as
the others found themselves a mate.
One by one. Eventually I was
the only one left.
It took longer and longer
for anyone to challenge me.
Then the suitors just
stopped coming.
The head of the clan
became impatient.
They told me to go forth, into
the world, to find a worthy husband.
A warrior with the strength
to defeat me.
If I am defeated, I must
obey his slightest command.
There have been none,
who are strong enough.
But everywhere I've been, it is said,
barbarians are the strongest warriors, -
- so maybe a barbarian from
your village can defeat me.
- That's why I went with you.
- Uh... Okay.
- Okay, what?
- Well, that's...
What you just said,
what does it have to do with love?
It will be love that defeats me.
I've waited so long.
Wow.
I've never
told this to anyone before.
It feels so... nice.
You know what, Ronal? It's actually
nice talking to you.
You're so lovely.
- Uh, to talk with, I mean.
- Well.
And if I had meant it the
other way, we'd have to fight.
- No, I wouldn't be so fortunate.
- Yeah, that would be a little strange.
- What was that?
- I don't know.
Hey, Elric.
Elves do not sleep.
- What is it, what's making that sound?
- I sense a terrible voice.
No one escapes
Prince Volcazar's anger!
Ronal, watch out!
Sandra!
- Curses!
- Ronal, wait for me!
Ronal!
Oh, fuck!
Shit!
They're gone.
Damn! Let's move!
Sandra!
- No, no, no.
- We'll find her.
If we go now,
we can find them. Come.
- What did you do?
- It wasn't me.
The Amazons.
- It stuck.
- Congratulations, honey.
...can't get too much sun.
See my new shoes.
Aren't they fantastic?
- It's only women.
- I've died and gone to heaven.
- Hey, girls. What's going on?
- What's that?
- Oh, totally botched stomach pouch.
- Hello. Good to see you.
High Queen, we've captured
these women in the jungle.
We have brought them to you,
so you can decide their fate.
Stand them up. Let me see.
What remarkable women.
I've never seen anything like it.
- What's this?
- Ow!
- One even has hair on his chin.
- How clumsy!
- High Queen.
- Quiet, ugly girl.
- Who asked you to speak?
- We're not women.
- Well, we're men, you know?
- Men?
- Or nearly so.
- Men?
Heaven be praised. The gods have heard
our prayers and sent us two men.
Finally, the time has come,
when we can grow our tribe.
Take them to the sacred mating cabins.
- What?
- What!
We'll take the thin one first.
And save him for tomorrow.
No, help.
No, I won't!
Honestly, man. Why can't it be me.
I'd be more than willing to do it.
That's so fucking typical.
No!
- Lord.
- You have them?
We have caught the warrior who
helped the barbarian escape.
Let me see.
A shield maiden.
- And a very sexy one.
- Give me a weapon and let me fight.
In time.
No one lays a hand on me without suffering.
So die then!
Impressive.
You are my type of woman.
Too bad I have to
to kill you!
What?
Foolish woman.
I know your rules, shield maiden.
You must obey me now.
It is your destiny.
You have defeated me.
Single piercing is not cool.
Double piercing is the shit.
Yes! It's about time.
Is it my turn?
The ceremony is over.
We will use you tomorrow.
- What? Tomorrow?
- It's the Queen's order.
Come back!
I want to be abused!
- Did you remember to lock the door?
- Of course.
Hey, what are you doing?
- We have to leave.
- What about all the Amazons?
Sandra is in danger. We must find
the Sword of Crane and help her.
- That can wait a week.
- We can't leave her behind.
- We can find another warrior?
- I want Sandra!
Hey, you didn't want
her help to start with.
Fuck you! I'll be right here
making sweet love with hot babes.
That's the only reason
I came on this quest.
Oh, I forgot. You're not
on a quest. You're just fucking boring.
Fine. Stay here.
You're not
any damn help anyway.
Oh, I just love that song.
Damn! Fucking shit!
Oh, what the fuck am I doing, man?
Ronal, I'm coming.
- Madam Queen?
- I just had to see you.
Ever since I saw you the first time,
my body trembles with longing.
I know it's against the rules,
but I must have you.
- If I may...
- I cannot control myself. Take me!
Take me! Oh! Yes!
Take me!
Stop!
Unfortunately I can't, Madam Queen.
My friend needs me.
What?
Perhaps I can be taken
prisoner again on the way back.
Alarm!
- Pigs! Men are pigs!
- Insane bitches, man!
- He was your responsibility!
- And I locked the door!
Hang him from his balls!
Elric?
It's the first barbarians.
Wow.
Hello.
I need your sword.
I'll take good care of it.
That was easy. Wow.
Yeah. I apologize.
Sandra.
I'm sorry.
Time after time you escaped
my best riders, barbarian.
And then we find you up here, just as
my shield maiden said we would.
The Sword of Crane. The only weapon
in the world that can harm you.
Sandra?
Excellent. You've served me well.
- As you have commanded me, lord.
- What the hell is going on?
Lets move! We have to get this
barbarian to my wizard.
I sense,
that Ronal is in great danger.
- Do what you must, wizard.
- With pleasure, Lord.
- Ronal?
- Gorak?
- Here he is.
- No, no, no!
Finally! Mighty Zaal,
listen to your humble servant!
The blood has been collected from the Sons of Crane.
Grant us access to your temple!
What are you doing?
Only once every ten thousand years, is it
possible for Zaal, ruler of the underworld, -
- to come to our world.
I offer the ultimate sacrifice.
The sons of the warrior, who sent
him from this world.
And as a reward he will bestow upon me
his divine power.
All will bow to me -
or die!
Shit. We can't go any further
without being noticed.
Ronal!
What the hell's the matter with you?
Come on! Lift your feet!
Come on! Get up the stairs!
Wait here.
- Ronal.
- Alibert!
- What?
- Take it easy.
Keep moving, you wretch.
Ronal, where's the
Sword of Crane?
There's nothing you can do. It's
on the altar below. Get away from here.
I will not be satisfied,
until they scream like the pigs they are!
Mighty Zaal we give to you the
blood from the Sons of Crane.
Let your darkness bless us.
Soon I will be mightier than a god -
- and you shall be my queen
in the afterlife.
Hey! What are you doing here?
- Uh...
- Kill him.
No, wait. I am master Alibert.
The bard!
I'm here to play at
the feast... the occult ritual.
Here's a song you might know.
your muscles
they make me crazy
on the dance floor
you can see it
your skull charm
it makes me hot
little cuddles
sweet treasure
- Shut up, that's crap.
- Oh!
- Later.
- Come back, you little shit!
Let the Chosen One step forward!
- Hey, Ronal.
- The Sword of Crane.
- I'll get you free.
- We must liberate the others.
- I'm hurrying as fast as I can.
- What the hell?
Drop it, pip-squeak.
You don't have a chance.
Come on. Give me your best shot.
Very nice. It was really...
- What the hell?
- Sorry.
What?
I've totally been
looking forward to this!
Oh yeah!
- Kill them.
- But...
- That's an order!
- Sandra!
You belong to me, shield maiden!
Don't forget.
Yes, my Lord.
- Ronal.
- You don't have to do this.
Volcazar has defeated me in a duel.
It is my destiny.
Sandra, it's me.
This is completely ridiculous.
Is this really your destiny -
- to kill the only one,
who loves you, to death, -
- just because some maniac
has beaten you in a fight?
Watch out!
Ronal!
Sandra.
Let me go!
Lord, drink it up,
before it's too late.
Clever Lord. Drink it all up.
Oh, shit.
Die!
No!
The darkness must be awakened in Metalonia.
The sound of screams
must rise to the sky.
All must bow to me -
or die!
Fuck!
The Epic of Crane! "Crane drew his proud sword
and drove with all his force -
- the blade deep in Zaal
and Zaal's skull burst. "
You have to strike him in the forehead.
It is his weak point, man!
That's impossible!
There's nothing you can do here.
Save yourself!
- What?
- This is no place for you.
Run!
No. I'm done
running away.
Now you better behave yourself.
Yes, do it! Stab him in the forehead!
- In the forehead.
- What do you think I'm trying to do?
I'll crush you like a bug!
He's fucking dead.
Oh, damn!
May my aim be sharp as a hawk's
and as perfect as the great breast.
Stand still!
No!
Now I have you!
Eat lute, you bitch!
No, no. No!
- Sandra!
- My queen! Kill these fleas.
What are you doing? Your honour commands
you to serve me!
No! No more!
Then die!
Sandra!
Okay, guys, let's show them
how barbarians really fight!
Gorak!
- Come on, guys!
- Muscles!
I am invincible!
- What?
- This one's for Uncle Gondar!
Uh?
Holy shit.
My g-string is so high up my ass.
Ronal?
Ronal!
Oh no.
Here lies Ronal.
The greatest barbarian of us all.
- What happened?
- Damn, he lives, man!
I sense great love.
It's so beautiful.
I haven't challenged you
to a duel, right?
You...
You have already
conquered my heart, Ronal.
Now it becomes cheesy.
It's time for ale and lager,
ale and lager.
Ale and lager, ale and lager.
You want to see something sick?
Wow!
Cool.
- Oh, that's good.
- I sense much tension in your muscles.
I've been tied up on
across all week.
Just shut up, man.
I want to say something important.
To Ronal,
the thirstiest barbarian in the world.
Cheers!
- Why the hell aren't you drinking?
- Fucking barbarians, man.
Ronal the Barbarian
oh, he was a weak boy
lacked a pair of balls
he wasn't pierced at all
oh, he was a geek boy
with a chest so small
big balls
hairy balls
hard balls
hot babes
hairy babes
yummy babes
yummy balls
and oily muscles too
Ronal the Barbarian
he rules
big balls
hairy balls
hard balls
hot babes
hairy babes
yummy babes
yummy balls
and oily muscles too
we'll keep on fighting
muscles are shining
we are the champions
thunder and lightning
excess of lightning
fighting with balls
in thongs
we are together
all dressed in leather
all bits are wet
and we're perfectly tan
we have pierced our nipples
Ronal the Barbarian
he rules
And in the darkness was born the demon Zaal, -
Ruler of the Underworld -
And the oppressor of humans kind.
But from the shadows came Crane,
the warrior of warriors -
and bearer of the God Sword.
He free human kind -
and led them to victory.
But the price of victory was high.
For Crane suffered a wound
through the heart, -
- which bled for seven days
and seven nights.
And a hundred warriors
drank his blood.
And were given his strength.
And Crane looked at them
and saw that all was good.
And then he died.
Thus, the barbarians were created, -
Sons of Crane.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Listen, guys.
Strength! Courage! Fearlessness!
That is what
Crane gave to our people.
For thousands of generations,
generation after generation, -
- his blood has rushed
undiluted through our veins.
This is what we celebrate every year,
before we go on quests.
But first and foremost
is the blood of Crane, that makes us, -
- The barbarians,
the greatest warriors throughout Metalonia.
Okay, Ronal, it's your turn.
Ronal is sick...
Ronal is sick today.
Ronal!
Can't you pass over me?
I have a sore elbow.
Maybe I'm getting
dry skin... or...
- Joint Inflammation.
- Dammit, Ronal.
Put all your strength into it.
I'm looking
forward to this.
Oh, for God's sake, Ronal, man.
One.
Can't...
...do...
...more!
You must get
in shape before the quest.
A barbarian who can't
swing an ax, is... uh...
Anyway, not a real barbarian.
What do I need to quest for?
I'll just get in the way.
- Can't I hang out here?
- You are a Son of Crane.
A Son of Crane goes on quests and
kills monsters and returns in glory.
- It is the essence of being a barbarian.
- Uncle, look at me.
What should I do to monsters? Buckle on a
muscle suit and hope they die of laughter?
What then, Ronal?
Have you got any better ideas?
Fucking funny. Have you got
any brain cells?
What? Where? If there is one on my back,
can you press it out?
Listen here, kid. When you go on quests,
it is more about big balls -
not arms. Heroism.
Once you've grasped it, you'll have
no problem crushing the enemy.
I just find it hard to overlook,
that we can die!
Just shut up and train.
What is it?
The alarm. Everyone to arms!
At your posts! Move!
- Get to it!
- Yes, yes!
Barricade the gate!
Come on! Pull!
Up on the barricades, stand ready!
Quiet.
Wait.
Quiet!
Who's there?
Hail, noble barbarians.
We are Master Florien, -
a bard and our music.
We simply want,
for humble payment, of course, -
- to enrich your banquet
and your spectacular muscles -
- with noble sonatas of your past
heroes and heroines.
Attack!
- Songs. They sing songs at feasts.
- Feasts?
Check out their incredibly
dangerous tuba on the roof.
Let them in.
- No!
- Damn.
It's a bloody hundred years ago,
since I last split some skulls.
How the hell should I know
it was a tuba?
Yo, girls. How about
you wash my sick, virile, -
resilient, filthy -
awesome lute?
There shall be only practice, nothing frivolous,
young Alibert. The art calls.
We have to be ready.
Isn't there just a little bit of time
to walk around and look?
A true bard
remembers all the songs perfectly.
How perfect does it need to be?
Shouldn't we be on quests?
The barbarians are leaving tomorrow.
We could go with them.
Go with the flow.
I have to meet girls, man.
Maybe,
write some heroic poem.
Or something like that,
You know, with those verses.
Oh, young Alibert.
Only when you learn all the songs, -
can you make that kind of poem.
- What? That'll take a hundred years.
- Nonsense. It won't take that long.
I was only 57 when I finished
my apprenticeship.
Ouch! Fucking great.
Can Rikke, can Rikke,
can Rikke drink beer?
Can Rikke,
can Rikke, can Rikke drink beer?
Oh, it's good, man.
Can any one of you little children
guzzle a small pint of beer?
Alibert!
So I was on the hunt -
- And then I just run into
an ork and killed it.
- Here you go, honey. Wear it.
- Oh, how cute.
Yes, it brings out your eyes.
You have to see this too.
This is a real
invisibility lotion.
I used it,
when I snuck into a harem.
Cool, right? Total chick magnet.
So you can't see
who is attacking you.
What was that? Hey, there it is again.
And now it stopped.
- There it is again.
- Ouch, Gorak. Let me be.
- It will not stop.
- For God's sake, stop it!
Oh, Ronal, damn man.
All sons of Crane are here,
Prince Volcazar.
Then it's time.
- Can I take the watch for a bit?
- What about the feast?
I'm just kind of... a little tired.
Okay, then. Remember to blow the horn,
if you see something suspicious.
- Do you think you can handle that?
- I'm not an idiot.
- I want to be alone.
- It's a large horn.
Remember, breathe in.
Deep down in the stomach. And...
Damn, Uncle.
Who would attack us?
We're fucking barbarians.
We smash everything.
- We've never been attacked.
- That may well be.
But it's the principle,
which is important.
That boy will be the end of me one day.
QUEST-MAGAZINE
Fucking barbarians, man.
What the hell is this?
We're being attacked?
We're being attacked!
Get your weapons!
No, no!
- We're ready to attack!
- Let hell rain down.
Fuck! Fuck!
Fire!
Attack! Show no mercy!
- Look! Fireworks!
- Did we order that?
We're being attacked!
Barbarians, defend yourselves!
Hup, hup, hup!
Oh, thank heavens.
They're saved.
This is a mad, fucking sick party, man.
- Bummer!
- No!
Help! Help!
Punch! Smack!
Bash! Muscles!
I don't think
there are any more.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
He's mine.
We're done for.
Why didn't you blow the horn?
- I tried!
- You tried?
"Trying" isn't good enough, Ronal.
Get up. We must rescue the others.
The famous sons of Crane.
How pathetic.
Put them in chains.
Leave no one behind.
We Barbarians shall never surrender!
Everyone must bow to me...
No!
...or die!
No!
- Take them away.
- You heard Prince Volcazar!
Get the last barbarians in the cart.
Come on!
Put him in! Move!
- Come here!
- No, I won't...
- In with them!
- What the hell?
Remember your shoes and bags... axes!
We will not come back
and get them!
General? This prisoner
doesn't fit in the shackles.
- Should I just throw him away?
- That's not a barbarian.
- Drag him over there and kill him.
- Oh, thank you.
- Lucky son of a bitch.
- He's always the one who get to do it.
- Kicking ass feels good
- Kicking ass feels good
- as a bonus, it is really nice
- as a bonus, it is really nice
sits well
feels good
No, I can't die. Help! Help!
Shut up,
this is really exciting.
Oh, man. Shit, it's night, man.
My head, man.
The town is torn up, what happened?
Where did everyone go?
Did they go to the after party?
Hey, you, wait!
Ro... Ronal.
Uncle. You're alive.
Not for long.
Crane... calls to me.
No, uncle,
it's probably just a... flesh wound.
Ronal when your parents died,
I swore to take care of you.
And I've kept that promise. But now
it's your turn to promise something.
Promise me that you will save the others.
You owe it to them.
- What? I can't save them.
- Promise me!
- But...
- Travel north to the oracle.
- He will help you.
- Oracle? How?
You are our only hope, Ronal.
The last of the barbarians.
Uncle? Uncle?
Uncle?
Gorak's invisibility lotion.
Yo.
- What happened? Going on a quest?
- Uh, no. I must find the others.
Well, okay.
- It's a quest. You are going on a quest!
- No. I have to find my people.
Awesome, this is a quest.
Wait a minute.
- Who are you?
- Hey. Alibert, the bard.
Damn nice to be joining you.
You can't say no;
I'll just follow you anyway.
Now we are on our way, shall we
go through the Amazon land?
- No.
- The girls down there would be lovely.
- We should investigate.
- Listen to me.
- Don't follow me.
- Those girls are super horny.
- No!
- Fuck, you're boring, man.
Now I know where we're going. We're headed
to Berylia. They have ladies with tails.
And four breasts! This could be
awesome, man!
- No, it's not.
- Come on. Why are we here?
- I need to talk to an oracle.
- Is that a kind of travel agent?
Sick crib.
Hello?
- Hello?
- It's about time.
I've been sitting here since last Wednesday.
Are you coming or what?
- Sorry, what?
- Heck, I need to be wiped.
You aren't the home care?
- No, we...
- Wait!
Gondar has sent me...
That's it. You came just in time.
And be careful with my haemorrhoids.
He is a mighty warlord,
this Prince Volcazar, that you're talking about.
dark forces from the underworld protect him.
I'm not really
interested in fighting with him.
Volcazar is looking for power
throughout Metalonia.
So far, no one has
been able to stop him.
Wow.
He wears an impenetrable armour over
his body. No weapon can harm him.
Only one sword has the strength
to crush him.
Watch.
- Oh, sick.
- What's so special about it?
It should especially be known to you, barbarian.
This is the sword of Crane.
That's a joke, right?
Honestly, it doesn't exist.
Everybody has been looking for the damn sword -
- for thousands of years,
and no one has found it.
It's just a silly story.
Crane's sword is not a myth.
Only it can damage Prince Volcazar.
You can never save your people
without killing him first.
But I can't.
Only a great warrior without fear
in his heart will be able to use it.
Without a great warrior
you will not defeat Volcazar.
And without a great warrior
your people are damned!
But I could be wrong.
I'm just an oracle.
It's not your fault the
barbarians were captured, is it?
Gu'ra zul!
Wizard!
Lord, time is fast approaching. The resurrection
at the underworld temple must begin soon.
Otherwise it will be impossible to carry out
the ritual. Have we caught the sons of Crane?
- The mission is complete.
- Fantastic. Now nothing can stop us.
Mighty Zaal. The sons of Crane are assembled.
Awake from your slumber!
What is happening?
Finally.
- What?
- What now?
The mighty Zaal is not satisfied.
We're missing a Son of Crane.
- Impossible. Unless...
- I don't understand...
- We left none alive.
- Fool!
I need the blood of all living
barbarians, and you let one escape.
- I don't understand.
- Find him for me. Now!
for they are on a quest,
Alibert and Ronal
the greatest heroes
in Metalonia
ooh-ooh
it's going so well
and the girls they say
Alibert
you're so sexy
My village has been burned,
and I must find the sword of Crane.
Can't you be quiet, for God's sake,
just five minutes, so I can think?
- I'll sing a barbarian song instead.
- For God's sake, no.
and Crane drew his proud sword
and drove with all his force
the blade deep in Zaal
and Zaal's skull burst
Wait a minute. The song.
What was it?
"The Epic of Crane".
There are 2073 verses,
and I know them all by heart.
Crane gets tons of pussy.
- Why didn't you say this before?
- That he gets pussy?
No, about the song. It's about Crane.
You just sang a verse about his sword.
Is there one that says where it is?
from the chest of Crane the blood flowed
it bled day and night
No no. After he dies. Come on. Sing.
in his tomb was placed the sword
the place is now forgotten
only the Book of Wisdom in Efland
knows where it is stored
The Book of Wisdom in Efland.
That's it.
- We need to go to Efland.
- What do you think?
- This is how we find the sword!
- Elf girls are crazy sexy.
This will be a great quest.
Okay, I have two rules for the
quest. One: This is not a quest.
And two: we see something that is even
the least bit unsafe, we go around.
- Is that a deal?
- Got it.
Is it rule number one or two,
that we just violated?
Run for your life.
Shit! What the hell happened?
What the hell did this?
No! No!
Ouch!
- Who are you? Are you one of them?
- My... my neck.
Answer me!
I'm just a random
passer-by. I swear.
It was not my intention
to disturb you in the middle of your...
- Slaughter of random men.
- They challenged me to a duel.
Oh no, not again.
Get out of here.
I'll let you live.
She is like, the warrior,
we need for the sword of Crane.
What? Are you insane?
She is a fucking violent psychopath.
- Yes, exactly. Ask her.
- No.
Wanker. Yo, beautiful. My friend Ronal
would like to ask you something.
We could use a killer like you -
- on our quest, you know.
In order to save his people.
And as a little bonus, I would
let you play on my lute.
I don't know what he's talking about.
put your hand on my lute
and let me teach you to suck
I don't want to learn to play
your instrument.
- You are extremely uptight.
- I said it wasn't a good idea.
Another must rescue the barbarians.
- Did you say barbarians?
- Um, yes.
- The barbarians, those are your people?
- Uh, of course.
Those, that they say,
are the greatest warriors in Metalonia?
Yes.
That's a worthy cause.
I'll go with you.
What?
I'm Sandra from the shield maiden clan.
- Where are you headed?
- Efland.
- We need to find out where it is.
- We will need a guide.
- There is a town nearby. Come.
- No, wait. You can't just...
- Do you have a problem with that?
- Now... uh, no.
- Super. Come.
- I swear, you scored her, man.
Son of Crane! Son of Crane!
Come on! Faster!
Oh, cool.
Shave my legs and call me Susan,
if this is not the coolest place.
- Okay, we're here.
- Uh, okay.
What's up, assholes?
Can I trouble one of you
to call me a taxi?
- Fuck.
- Sweet. It's happy hour.
There are a lot in there today.
Stay behind me.
We'll enter quietly,
find a guide -
- and then leave
before anyone notices us.
And without a fight, okay?
Please?
- As you wish.
- Thank you.
Bing, bing-li-bing-bing.
In your ass.
Son of Crane! Son of Crane!
So I said to her: "Your breasts
look tired. Should I hold them?"
Your mother has always
had the largest tits.
Hey! Hey! Stop that, buddy.
I'll tell you.
She was angry, man.
You can't win them all.
But you can try.
- What do you want?
- We're looking for a guide.
There is only one left. Down by the
bathroom. Ask for Elric.
Hey, who ordered a pint
and a double Manhattan?
Okay. Thanks.
Uh, hey. Uh, are you Elric?
The voice of the wind
lights the evening sun's embrace.
Stellar Children,
great Mother Sun now rests.
The darkness comes as a
pensive sigh.
I sensed you would come. We
elves are connected with all living things.
Let our souls meet.
You bear the dreams of an eagle
and the will of a mouse.
Mighty blood dwells in your heart.
Kormamin lindua ka'elja.
Yes, that sounds exciting. My name is
Ronal, and I have some place...
Names have no meaning.
- I need...
- Spiritual or physical guidance?
We need to find Efland.
The wind's voice shall tell me,
whether I should help you. Stand still!
Let me penetrate your aura.
Kormamin lindua ka'elja.
Kormamin lindua...
The wind says, I shall follow you.
My bow will sing with your sword.
Okay...
Damn.
- Hey, I found him.
- My bow will sing with your sword.
Yes. Come, let's get out of here.
Hey, shield maiden, you're leaving already?
What do you say to a little dance?
Hey, guys, sorry,
we were just leaving.
- I accept your challenge.
- What?
He must defeat me or die.
- We shouldn't create any problems.
- He challenged me.
You promised. In and out, without fighting.
Okay. So, you take care of it yourself.
Hey, shield maiden, what's it going to be?
Listen...
Friend, I know,
it's super cool to fight, -
- but we're in a bit of a hurry, and there
are probably plenty of others here who would fight, -
- so if it's okay with you,
I think we'll just leave.
- Sandra!
- Not supposed to fight.
That'll make a nice soup base.
Learn to ride!
Have you seen this before?
I can teach you to play it.
Does it make you horny?
I sense
much aggression in the room.
Any last words, chump?
- He's dead.
- What the hell?
I'm going to make you pay
for throwing up on me.
- Now you're going to get a new asshole.
- That's enough. Let him be.
Black Riders.
Son of Crane! Son of Crane!
- Take him!
- No! Help!
Sandra!
Nobody stands up to Prince
Volcazar's riders and lives!
It's going to explode!
Move!
Hey! Who is it that ordered
the double Manhattan?
Ouch, my ass!
110% ALCOHOL
Goddamn!
Fabulous, my lord. One more shot,
and then you've beaten the record.
But we have to find the last
Son of Crane before the next full moon.
- You're ruining my concentration.
- I'm sorry.
- Hello?
- He escaped, sir.
The task is more difficult than we thought.
He has the help of a strong warrior.
We'll need reinforcements.
I will not tolerate any more failures!
Bring them to me. Both of them.
Do you know where we are?
It seems like we're going in circles.
The wind speaks to my soul.
We will soon be in the elvish realm.
You said that two days ago.
We're lost, damn it.
We're going to die of thirst.
- Ha.
- What's so funny?
I have heard that barbarians are strong and
quick to fight, but you're neither.
You just bitch and whine.
It's really funny when you consider
the heritage you come from.
Why are you with us
if you think all I do is whine?
- What's your deal with the barbarians?
- None of your business.
Stop! See.
- And that means...?
- We elves can communicate with everything.
I will unite myself with its soul
and get it to show us the way.
Kormamin lindua ka'elja.
Kormamin lindua...
Ouch! My beautiful elf lip!
There. On the other side. There is no
labyrinth on the other side.
The entrance to Efland.
I did it.
Elf gate, I greet you.
You didn't know it was here?
- Oh! Wild!
- Come on.
Stop! First, our souls are weighed
by the Gate Keepers.
Only those with the right character
may be allowed to go through.
What about those
who do not have the right character?
Who? Well.
They are crushed by the rock wall.
- Well, shall we go?
- I can't.
- What?
- I'm a miserable barbarian.
I don't have
the right character.
- You've misunderstood the meaning.
- Forget it. We'll go around.
When you're on a quest,
follow the guide.
The only thing we get out of that,
is being killed.
But now you call it a quest,
so, remember that it is my quest.
And I've decided that we go around
this ridiculous gate. Come on!
See. No booby traps, no gates,
nothing.
This quest-nonsense is so predictable.
If you just think a bit outside...
- Ouch, my tailbone, man.
- What the hell was that?
We have offended the Gate Keepers.
I sense...
...great danger!
Run!
Faster!
Ronal!
Come!
Ouch, man.
Fool! Your stupid idea almost
got us all killed.
I just tried
to steer us away from trouble.
You tried? Well, "trying"
isn't good enough, Ronal.
On any quest
there's bound to be problems.
Solve them instead of going around.
There's the Temple of the Elves.
The focal point
of all wisdom in the world.
The Book of Wisdom lies
in the tower's upper chamber -
- so the moon can read
on his voyage across the night sky.
It is the holiest of holy books.
- Fair enough. So we'll just go on up and grab it.
- Quiet!
Look.
No one from the outside is allowed in. The King's
archers have eyes like hawks.
- Shit.
- They kill everything they see.
So we'll have to do it the hard way.
I'll take these two.
No.
- I'll do it.
- What?
Alone.
Think about it. They'll kill you,
as soon as they see you.
I know, -
they're not going to see me.
There isn't much left
and I'm the smallest. Wait here.
I could have used
that in high school.
How do I look? Invisible, right?
- What?
- You missed a spot.
Fuck! It's empty.
Fuck, so typical.
Relax, Ronal. They're small dumplings,
nobody will notice.
- Wait here.
- Good luck, Ronal. Don't get killed.
Ouch!
"I have a headache," "I'm tired"
"The kids will wake up!", and blah, blah, blah.
Having such a wife is a bummer,
man.
Bitch!
Ouch!
Who's there?
Hmm, nothing there.
- Where were we? Are you ready for this Saturday?
- Are you crazy? I was born ready!
- Hell yeah!
- I must be a crazy psycho!
That's open.
Ouch!
Fuck, I'm in bad shape.
Oh!
Ah!
Cursed rats!
Oh!
Wow. There it is.
So where is it?
Sword of Crane, -
- Sword of Crane,
how the hell do I find the Sword of Crane?
There it is.
The Sword of Crane.
Well, that was easy enough.
It's like no one
can see me.
- A killer rat!
- Kill the rat!
Use the poisoned arrows.
After it!
Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
Faster!
Shoot it down!
- Ow, damn it!
- Yes! The pig is down!
Well, how much
are you going to drink?
- Nothing. I'll smoke instead.
- Did you get Elrond's mother's weed?
Ouch.
The page says that Crane was
buried in the Eternal Mountain.
My elfin soul feels,
that it is far, far away...
Isn't that it right there?
...that it is nearby.
Destiny is on our side.
Ouch.
No more.
- I was wrong about you.
- What?
There in the temple. You did it.
Yes, more or less in any case.
You make the barbarians proud.
Uh. Thanks.
Well, um... I have to
polish my axe.
I was thinking...
I've never really said...
...thank you for coming with me.
Actually, I don't know how I would
have made it this far without you.
Uh... okay.
Well, we'd better get some sleep.
Maybe we'll find the Sword of Crane tomorrow.
I'll keep watch. We elves need
no sleep. You can sleep safely.
- Can I ask you something, Ronal?
- Uh, yes, of course.
What are the barbarians like?
- They're not very clever.
- I thought more...
What are they like in here?
Well.
Uh.
A barbarian is always ready to help
those that need it.
Regardless of how dangerous or difficult
it is. And they go on quests all the time.
They're not afraid of anything.
Hard to believe I'm one of them, right?
- And they're great warriors?
- Yep. The best in the world.
It's just so difficult
to find a proper warrior.
Yeah. Uh, what?
I come from
an ancient clan of shield maidens.
Far, far away from here.
Our religion requires that I only
marry the warrior that can defeat me.
Many have tried
to defeat me -
but I'm too strong.
And for every duel I won,
I just got stronger.
Meanwhile, I could only watch as
the others found themselves a mate.
One by one. Eventually I was
the only one left.
It took longer and longer
for anyone to challenge me.
Then the suitors just
stopped coming.
The head of the clan
became impatient.
They told me to go forth, into
the world, to find a worthy husband.
A warrior with the strength
to defeat me.
If I am defeated, I must
obey his slightest command.
There have been none,
who are strong enough.
But everywhere I've been, it is said,
barbarians are the strongest warriors, -
- so maybe a barbarian from
your village can defeat me.
- That's why I went with you.
- Uh... Okay.
- Okay, what?
- Well, that's...
What you just said,
what does it have to do with love?
It will be love that defeats me.
I've waited so long.
Wow.
I've never
told this to anyone before.
It feels so... nice.
You know what, Ronal? It's actually
nice talking to you.
You're so lovely.
- Uh, to talk with, I mean.
- Well.
And if I had meant it the
other way, we'd have to fight.
- No, I wouldn't be so fortunate.
- Yeah, that would be a little strange.
- What was that?
- I don't know.
Hey, Elric.
Elves do not sleep.
- What is it, what's making that sound?
- I sense a terrible voice.
No one escapes
Prince Volcazar's anger!
Ronal, watch out!
Sandra!
- Curses!
- Ronal, wait for me!
Ronal!
Oh, fuck!
Shit!
They're gone.
Damn! Let's move!
Sandra!
- No, no, no.
- We'll find her.
If we go now,
we can find them. Come.
- What did you do?
- It wasn't me.
The Amazons.
- It stuck.
- Congratulations, honey.
...can't get too much sun.
See my new shoes.
Aren't they fantastic?
- It's only women.
- I've died and gone to heaven.
- Hey, girls. What's going on?
- What's that?
- Oh, totally botched stomach pouch.
- Hello. Good to see you.
High Queen, we've captured
these women in the jungle.
We have brought them to you,
so you can decide their fate.
Stand them up. Let me see.
What remarkable women.
I've never seen anything like it.
- What's this?
- Ow!
- One even has hair on his chin.
- How clumsy!
- High Queen.
- Quiet, ugly girl.
- Who asked you to speak?
- We're not women.
- Well, we're men, you know?
- Men?
- Or nearly so.
- Men?
Heaven be praised. The gods have heard
our prayers and sent us two men.
Finally, the time has come,
when we can grow our tribe.
Take them to the sacred mating cabins.
- What?
- What!
We'll take the thin one first.
And save him for tomorrow.
No, help.
No, I won't!
Honestly, man. Why can't it be me.
I'd be more than willing to do it.
That's so fucking typical.
No!
- Lord.
- You have them?
We have caught the warrior who
helped the barbarian escape.
Let me see.
A shield maiden.
- And a very sexy one.
- Give me a weapon and let me fight.
In time.
No one lays a hand on me without suffering.
So die then!
Impressive.
You are my type of woman.
Too bad I have to
to kill you!
What?
Foolish woman.
I know your rules, shield maiden.
You must obey me now.
It is your destiny.
You have defeated me.
Single piercing is not cool.
Double piercing is the shit.
Yes! It's about time.
Is it my turn?
The ceremony is over.
We will use you tomorrow.
- What? Tomorrow?
- It's the Queen's order.
Come back!
I want to be abused!
- Did you remember to lock the door?
- Of course.
Hey, what are you doing?
- We have to leave.
- What about all the Amazons?
Sandra is in danger. We must find
the Sword of Crane and help her.
- That can wait a week.
- We can't leave her behind.
- We can find another warrior?
- I want Sandra!
Hey, you didn't want
her help to start with.
Fuck you! I'll be right here
making sweet love with hot babes.
That's the only reason
I came on this quest.
Oh, I forgot. You're not
on a quest. You're just fucking boring.
Fine. Stay here.
You're not
any damn help anyway.
Oh, I just love that song.
Damn! Fucking shit!
Oh, what the fuck am I doing, man?
Ronal, I'm coming.
- Madam Queen?
- I just had to see you.
Ever since I saw you the first time,
my body trembles with longing.
I know it's against the rules,
but I must have you.
- If I may...
- I cannot control myself. Take me!
Take me! Oh! Yes!
Take me!
Stop!
Unfortunately I can't, Madam Queen.
My friend needs me.
What?
Perhaps I can be taken
prisoner again on the way back.
Alarm!
- Pigs! Men are pigs!
- Insane bitches, man!
- He was your responsibility!
- And I locked the door!
Hang him from his balls!
Elric?
It's the first barbarians.
Wow.
Hello.
I need your sword.
I'll take good care of it.
That was easy. Wow.
Yeah. I apologize.
Sandra.
I'm sorry.
Time after time you escaped
my best riders, barbarian.
And then we find you up here, just as
my shield maiden said we would.
The Sword of Crane. The only weapon
in the world that can harm you.
Sandra?
Excellent. You've served me well.
- As you have commanded me, lord.
- What the hell is going on?
Lets move! We have to get this
barbarian to my wizard.
I sense,
that Ronal is in great danger.
- Do what you must, wizard.
- With pleasure, Lord.
- Ronal?
- Gorak?
- Here he is.
- No, no, no!
Finally! Mighty Zaal,
listen to your humble servant!
The blood has been collected from the Sons of Crane.
Grant us access to your temple!
What are you doing?
Only once every ten thousand years, is it
possible for Zaal, ruler of the underworld, -
- to come to our world.
I offer the ultimate sacrifice.
The sons of the warrior, who sent
him from this world.
And as a reward he will bestow upon me
his divine power.
All will bow to me -
or die!
Shit. We can't go any further
without being noticed.
Ronal!
What the hell's the matter with you?
Come on! Lift your feet!
Come on! Get up the stairs!
Wait here.
- Ronal.
- Alibert!
- What?
- Take it easy.
Keep moving, you wretch.
Ronal, where's the
Sword of Crane?
There's nothing you can do. It's
on the altar below. Get away from here.
I will not be satisfied,
until they scream like the pigs they are!
Mighty Zaal we give to you the
blood from the Sons of Crane.
Let your darkness bless us.
Soon I will be mightier than a god -
- and you shall be my queen
in the afterlife.
Hey! What are you doing here?
- Uh...
- Kill him.
No, wait. I am master Alibert.
The bard!
I'm here to play at
the feast... the occult ritual.
Here's a song you might know.
your muscles
they make me crazy
on the dance floor
you can see it
your skull charm
it makes me hot
little cuddles
sweet treasure
- Shut up, that's crap.
- Oh!
- Later.
- Come back, you little shit!
Let the Chosen One step forward!
- Hey, Ronal.
- The Sword of Crane.
- I'll get you free.
- We must liberate the others.
- I'm hurrying as fast as I can.
- What the hell?
Drop it, pip-squeak.
You don't have a chance.
Come on. Give me your best shot.
Very nice. It was really...
- What the hell?
- Sorry.
What?
I've totally been
looking forward to this!
Oh yeah!
- Kill them.
- But...
- That's an order!
- Sandra!
You belong to me, shield maiden!
Don't forget.
Yes, my Lord.
- Ronal.
- You don't have to do this.
Volcazar has defeated me in a duel.
It is my destiny.
Sandra, it's me.
This is completely ridiculous.
Is this really your destiny -
- to kill the only one,
who loves you, to death, -
- just because some maniac
has beaten you in a fight?
Watch out!
Ronal!
Sandra.
Let me go!
Lord, drink it up,
before it's too late.
Clever Lord. Drink it all up.
Oh, shit.
Die!
No!
The darkness must be awakened in Metalonia.
The sound of screams
must rise to the sky.
All must bow to me -
or die!
Fuck!
The Epic of Crane! "Crane drew his proud sword
and drove with all his force -
- the blade deep in Zaal
and Zaal's skull burst. "
You have to strike him in the forehead.
It is his weak point, man!
That's impossible!
There's nothing you can do here.
Save yourself!
- What?
- This is no place for you.
Run!
No. I'm done
running away.
Now you better behave yourself.
Yes, do it! Stab him in the forehead!
- In the forehead.
- What do you think I'm trying to do?
I'll crush you like a bug!
He's fucking dead.
Oh, damn!
May my aim be sharp as a hawk's
and as perfect as the great breast.
Stand still!
No!
Now I have you!
Eat lute, you bitch!
No, no. No!
- Sandra!
- My queen! Kill these fleas.
What are you doing? Your honour commands
you to serve me!
No! No more!
Then die!
Sandra!
Okay, guys, let's show them
how barbarians really fight!
Gorak!
- Come on, guys!
- Muscles!
I am invincible!
- What?
- This one's for Uncle Gondar!
Uh?
Holy shit.
My g-string is so high up my ass.
Ronal?
Ronal!
Oh no.
Here lies Ronal.
The greatest barbarian of us all.
- What happened?
- Damn, he lives, man!
I sense great love.
It's so beautiful.
I haven't challenged you
to a duel, right?
You...
You have already
conquered my heart, Ronal.
Now it becomes cheesy.
It's time for ale and lager,
ale and lager.
Ale and lager, ale and lager.
You want to see something sick?
Wow!
Cool.
- Oh, that's good.
- I sense much tension in your muscles.
I've been tied up on
across all week.
Just shut up, man.
I want to say something important.
To Ronal,
the thirstiest barbarian in the world.
Cheers!
- Why the hell aren't you drinking?
- Fucking barbarians, man.
Ronal the Barbarian
oh, he was a weak boy
lacked a pair of balls
he wasn't pierced at all
oh, he was a geek boy
with a chest so small
big balls
hairy balls
hard balls
hot babes
hairy babes
yummy babes
yummy balls
and oily muscles too
Ronal the Barbarian
he rules
big balls
hairy balls
hard balls
hot babes
hairy babes
yummy babes
yummy balls
and oily muscles too
we'll keep on fighting
muscles are shining
we are the champions
thunder and lightning
excess of lightning
fighting with balls
in thongs
we are together
all dressed in leather
all bits are wet
and we're perfectly tan
we have pierced our nipples
Ronal the Barbarian
he rules