Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead (2009) Movie Script

Since The 1600's There have been numerous versions of Shakespeare's Hamlet adapted to portray vampires
This is one of them
C Plus Pictures presents
In association with OffHollywood Pictures
Hey, I wasn't done yet!
Hello?
Cheap bastards!
a Jordan Galland Film
God, I wish I could yell at someone
I am listening
Who let the grim reaper in here?
My dear, I own this entire theater
Well, I've more fifteen minutes left
Fifteen more minutes of that insufferable rehearsal
And I was likely to be strangled by the news of boredom
So, you didn't like it?
A dancer should dance the dance of her life
Toothfairy versus candyland is authobiographical
I had a lot of cavities as a kid
But you're not a kid anymore
You're a woman
Very beautiful woman
And you should be dancing the dance of a beautiful woman
Really?
Sometimes I don't really feel beautiful
Oh
But you are beautiful
Give it a moment to sink in
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead
Ring ring
Hello
Hey, did you just wake up?
No, hi, no. I am ... I am just back from the gym
But you promised to pick up my dress this morning
Great, Why, why don't you just send your boyfriend's right hand to do that
Would you just bring it to Bobby's
Please
I am going to casting and I don't have time
Anna, I don't think that's such a good idea
Mobsters don't generally like ex-boyfriends
He doesn't know who I've used to date
Please, Julsie
No smoking here
You've no job and nothing to do whole day
You really need to grow up
Thank for reminding me
Do you have some young hossie in bed with ya?
No ... no, no
Allright, I've got to go, I am here
Wish me luck
Yeah, ok, bye
You're not gonna need the paper back, ok?
So what do you think is wrong with me, doctor?
Well, this is a sample, and I think it will help with your strange symptoms
It's vague
You're gonna be fine, yeah
Ahh, look, the cat just dragged in
I am allergic to cats
Hey
Uhm ...
This is my dad
And ehm, that's Hugo Pepper
Hugo, What's wrong with you today?
Eeh, sunspots, dizziness, tremors
He's always here
I thought you lived alone
I, I do live in there alone
and my dad works in here ... alone
Can you come and talk to me, Julian?
Yeah
So, I will call you
Hm, you don't have my number
I can find ya, ok?
eh
Aaaaa
eee
You know, it is really hard for me to see you like this, Julian
You look terrible
You've got all these girls who are coming and going
you could've put a revolving door in there and make it easier for them
Dad, I am just fighting off some demons, that's all
I've got just a thing for that
A prescription for fighting demons?
No, this is a prescription for getting a job
Off Broadway production of Hamlet seeks young controllable human theater director
Sounds pretty stupid
Yeah, ok, the interview is in thirty minutes, get going!
No, no, no. I am not gonna get going, dad
I am not a theater director anymore
I've got used to it, I suggest you do the same
Hey, it's either that or you move out of my office
That's fine with me
Wait, like pa ... pay my own rent?
Yeah, well, most people of your age do
Zifromax?
Look, these symptoms are serious, ok?
You're dizzy, you've got fatigue, you're achy
Dad, it's a hangover
Was that blonde a model?
Job interview with a vampire
Eh, Hi
E ... excuse me, hi
My name is Julian Marsh
I saw your ad, in the paper
I requested an aryan body builder
Do you know, where ... where I'd go about the theater directing position?
Oooh
That ad
Oh
Haha
Excuse the dead flowers, the master loves them so
Ok
Come and meet the others
This is Leyuba and Zadeska
They will be doing costumes and make up
They will be also doing some acting
and I will be taking a few rows myself
He's yummy
A real renaissance man and women
It's a real renaissance fair here
The renaissance was a flee market
compared to the glory of Ancient Rome
This is Theo Horace, our writer
Tell me, what do you know about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?
Eh, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, they are two idiots
hired to spy on Hamlet. They ... ehm
They died at the end
Very good, you know your stuff
This is the same theater, where the dancer Lauren Lamont
she was murdered here, right?
Please
Don't interrupt!
We start rehearsals next week
Next week ... ok
well I've the perfect actor in line for Hamlet
Really, really
Oh good, good, good, good
yes, good, yes, I know
Why don't we have him out for a drink, later
I love them Lindlife
Theo never hires anyone he can't party with
It's this thing
I demand an undying devotion to the play
Yeah, of course
One last question
Do you suffer from any blood vessel abnormality
iron inefficiencies, vitamin B deficiencies
and or intravenous drug usage?
No
Oh, you're too good to be true
Ah
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead
Are we interested to see how Shakespeare and zombies go together?
Not zombies!
Vampires!
How?
Yeah, right. That makes way more sense
Girls!
Escort mister Marsh to the door
Good day Julian. Nice to meet you
Come with us
He's perfect
He's young and controllable
and he's human
I am glad I am your friend. Be honest with me
Don't get me wrong man. I love Anna
I am a big Anna fan
I totally miss being your guy's third wheel
some of the best days of my life
But, look, crown Jules ...
you have gotta stop your girlfriend suck life out of you
yeah, you can pick up her dress and soho
you can cure cancer
you can rescue a burning orphanage full of kittens
but trust me
one things girls never forget
is when you cheat on them with a stripper
Really don't ...
dont' do guys that mistake ...
... in college?
Yes, yes they do
absolutely
Your mistake was telling her the truth
after lying to her
and then thinking she will forgive you for it
You're right
that was ...
... stupid
It smells so good in here
It smells great, you know what that's called?
Extreme peace
It's extremely nice
Drives the ladies crazy
Are you out of your mind?
Bobby Bianchi's house?
Do you know, who Bobby Bianchi is?
No, no, no, no, no
no, no, crazy!
You know karate, right?
I know karate, yeah
I've got white belt in karate
Do you know what that means?
I can like
chudo cha
And you know what, by the way
I think this red is maybe the wrong colour for Anna's hair
There's lot of dresses in this place ...
What you just said?
I said, don't think this red ...
No, no, it's not what you said
but how you said
With your hand like, say it like that
Don't you think this red is a wrong colour
I am a genious
Why?
Bobby can't forget on us if he thinks we're gay
You see, this is why you're a director
and this's why I am an actor, right?
Cause I am doing this
It's kind of like, you know: Scorcese and the Nero strike again, bitches!
I am just saying, if it were me
I'll be a shaking little baby
it's just kind of a scary thing, in a theater with a murdered girl
You're not making me feel any better
Can you hold this
I can't have a pink shirt and hold a red dress
Well, you see, in the night you feel the breath of the ghost on your neck
and hear the: whaaa whuu
Right, so I guess you don't want play Hamlet then
No, I didn't said, I am an actor
Well, then stop trying to scare me
Oh, my god
Can I have your autograph?
Shit
Yeah
Shit
Don't be jealous, it's a fan
You are really good as the bumblebee at the comercial
You have a picture of me?
Make it up to Shelley Florence, that's me
That's flattering
I mean, that's weird, but it's flattering
You keep that pen, if you're ever in the play
involing the Hamlet and the vampires
you call the number on that pen
You are in danger
Ok
Ble, bleh
You're in danger
You're loosing your goddamned mind, crazy bat
Who's afraid of Bobby Bianchi?
Are you sick of feeling like a janitor?
Or a cleaning lady?
Get ready to whack some germs
with my new Germ-o-whack
You guys are late
Sorry
Oh my god, what happened to my dress?
I am sorry, this homeless woman came out of nowhere
It's always something coming out of nowhere
I mean shit from nowhere, and what happened to my dress
With my new design, a man can clean his hands
and still feel like a male
not a female
Hey, is that the bumblebee guy from the serial comercial
I can't believe it, in my fucking house?
Ehey!
Hello, je m'appelle Vince, enchante
Very wonderful to be in your domain
When you were grownup, did you ever think
I wanna be all that I can be?
Get it?
Yes, it's very funny. He's very funny
No, with all the honesty, I was always deadly serious about being a hesbian
it's very common for someone who's as gay as I am
Hesbian?
How about you
Totally gay
That's good for you two guys
because I usually like it, when
you know, the goodlooking guys are gay
Me too
Hm, not that I think you two are goodlooking or anything
Hey, listen, have a drink, I gotta go back to my promo conference
Excuse me, I am sorry
Germ-o-whack!
Clean your hands like a male man
What is this have to do with you working for the post office
No, no, it's like being a male but being a man
Isn't it basically just like a water gun
Forget it, forget it, obviously, with rack like that
you don't know what I am talking about, right
Hey, bumblebee, bumbee, help me out with the tagline
need some quick, snap
Idea's are Julian's department
Ah
Allright, allright, give me some, some good
It really sell itself
Come one, hook me up
Germ-o-whack!
It' a mean clean whacking machine
I like that, I am gonna use that
Hey honey, come here, come here
Look hot, baby
Oh, man, I can't watch this
Makes me natious seeing them together
I don't know what she sees in this guy
He gonna be as ... rich and attractive
Where does a girl get a drink in this place?
Waiter, chardonay
I am Vince
Hi Cookie
Hey, you know, I saw you
and I thought - that's a girl who's not afraid to get controversial
You know I really liked - forever people's engines
Absolutely, vrum
Sorry to interrupt, you two love birds
They're taking pictures and her hair is just not quite working for me
I could fix it
Aye, sure kid, you can use my bedroom
as long you keep it nice and clean
Let me see your hands
It's on me
Well, I mean, it's on you, but ...
... it's on me
Do you have to do this every time we get together?
Ok, what the fuck is this?
Bobby is little quirky, he likes to get into mood
Does the mood include puking?
You hate me, don't you?
No, no I don't
I am the opposite of hate you
I heart you
Eew!
You're my soulmate
Double eew!
Did you googled cheesy things to say before you got here?
No, my internet's down
you're, yours everything to me
I, I care about you so much
You still can't say "I love you"
I passion you, I adore you, you're
You're a looser, you live in your dad's office and you have no job!
Well, I do have a job actually, I am directing Hamlet
It's a weird adaptation
Well,
did you cast Ophelia yet?
We do have someone in mind for the role
But, ehm, maybe one of the smaller parts get you audition
Thanks
Come on, let's go nancy boy
Easy, thank you
What's my sexy music doing on?
It was an accident, baby
It was an accident I caught this guy feeling up Cookie Lambet's tits?
I thought he was a queer
Allright, she has breast implants
and she asked me to examine them to see if they felt real
and I tell you what
not bad, really not bad at all, you'd be surprised
Girls like gay men giving them advice
because it's honest and it's not sexually motivated
That's actually true
No, I don't buy it, you guys are out of here
No, you know what, (blabla) you're out of here
You're lucky there's no bullets in this Germ-o-whack, you understand me?
I tell you what, that is one lucky man
one look and two more seconds I would have his ass, Jules
I would have just
Oh, shit, dude, we gotta go back
I forgot my skateboard
No, what, are you kidding me?
That guy is fucking crazy, forget about it
I don't know why we went there at the first place
Not so bad, in the end did get the feel of that girl's tits
think I kinda like being gay
Hey, you gotta tell me about meet this guy by the way
It's not the emotional demands of playing Hamlet that I am concerned about
but there is a physical demand that requires very specific
state of
fitness
Do you suffer from any ...
bone marrow problems?
Ehm ...
No
Vince will do
What just happened, what he say?
Vince will do
So you got it?
Vince will do for Hamlet my friend
Salut
Oh, I got the job, but I am telling you
can't change the name of the play to Hamlette
Enough business
Ladies, tell me the story
What do you do?
Whatever Theo tells us to do
We're his slaves
We are slaves
That's cool man, I can dig that
Jules, did you see that?
you seek the control that this man has over these women
it's unbelievable!
He's a fucking visionary or something
and he can dance
Fellows, I need that table
What's up?
Do me a favor, both of you get up
no no no no no
We're here with Theo
Theo who, I don't see Theo
No, he's here, he's right behing you, he's dancing
You're talking back
I am not talking back ...
Now you're getting loud
No, I am crying over the music
It's very loud in here
Get the fuck up!
I'll open the can, buddy, I will open the can, I will open the ... ah
Ok, allright, ok, hey, you know
I will take this guy outside, I will handle him outside
Ok, hey, hey, ok, easy
I'll tell you what, you're on thin ice, my friend
Son of the bitch!
What the fuck?
Oh, shit!
Hey, look, look , look
What am I looking at?
Oh my god, what the hell is going on?
I feel like I am loosing my goddamned mind
I stood I saw
Theo and those two girls from dance floor
and then there was this other girl and they were like eating her or something
Put this on, we should get your head checked out
No, we should get out of here, that's what we should do
You got hit?
Of course I got hit, it was a fucking fight!
Grave new world
Harry, parry, thrust
Harry, parry, thrust
Dude, I am so psyched about this play inside of play, bro
man, dude, it's like ... we're gonna rock, dog
There is my Rosencrantz and my Guildenstern
Wait, which one am I again?
You're the one who can't read
Put this around your waist
I can read dude, periodicals
Put this on
He means magazines
Great, I don't remember this from the script
Maybe we signed up for the wrong game, bro!
Any play for you would be the wrong game, Carlo
You see guys, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were touched to hip
metaphorically, so ... we're gonna, literally, tie you guys together
and see if we can learn something about the characters
Ok, I get the literal metaphore, but don't you think it's little heavy handed?
I mean I can act without rope
I am trained
I hope so, I have never ..
... never found actors on the internet before
There is a lot of great people on the internet
I've been trained, classically in combat and improvisation
Ok, I'll take that into consideration
Perhaps we should use this to hang Carlo, and cast someone else
That's funny that you're joking around
I hope that means, you guys are completely off book than
Without lines?
Ok, guys, I want everyone here to just close their eyes for one moment
I am serious, close
No peeking mister Liden!
If you're peeking you're only cheating yourself of the experience
Now everyone close your eyes
I want you all to take a moment and think about your characters
How are you like them, how are you not like them
And now I want you to imagine
you're sitting in a field
leaning against an apple tree
and you're little hungry and in front of you is
the most delicious, juicy apple
Ok, now, reach out for it
Say, Jully
What Vince
I got question for you
Make it quick, what?
Help a brother out with the color
Are we talking about red apple, are we talking about green apple, what?
Maybe a pear
It makes no difference
Of course it makes a difference!
Allright, mister Lidon
Look at Theo guys!
Everyone look at Theo!
This is what I am talking about
This is acting!
There is no separation between him and his character
He is his character
Don't look at me!
Ok, stop looking at Theo!
It's good work Theo, it's really good work
One should only eat what one hungers for
That's my philosophy
There are more things in heaven and Earth that are dreamt of your philosophy, Horatio
You should learn to enjoy the gift that I gave you, Hamlet
What gift? I want a gift too
Rosencrantz is a simple mind, prince Hamlet
Forgive him
Jules, is that work with two fingers like that?
Do I need to get my thumb envolved somehow
or prong him?
I just want to devastate him!
I don't really like any of it
It's good that you have learned your lines, finally
Maybe we ... we could try acting a little bit more
Since we are talking about the play, right
like, I was thinking, we could do this modernizations, bro
Instead of Rosencrantz and Guildensterns
Do you think we can be like ...
Rosenbros and Guildendude
or what about like - Dudencrantz and Dogenstern?
Stupid idea
Or like Rosenbros and Goldenhose
Carl, stop!
What do you talking about?
Quick note
There's still time to combine this into one character
Agh, well aimed Horatio
Your arrows have outrageous fortune
Meow
You may be good with arrows and bows, myself I am good with ribbons and bows
Who designed your clothing? That outfit just screams
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!
Is that a Roman toga?
It's got to go!
To go? What? What is that? That's not on the script
I like it!
We're modernizing!
Hello
Let's continue
Ah, just nothing, play. What do you doing?
You go. All the bloodwork looks greats, so I don't see a problem there
What was the deal with the grapes?
Ate four pounds for dinner last night
Ok, I think, maybe you want to cut back, Ok? Because that's ...
Hey Hugo, you are still sick?
I wouldn't be, if a certain doctor could help me
Hi doctor Marsh
Hey, Anna, I would call him before you go in there
Jesus
Yeah, I wish you could keep him out of trouble
That's not my job anymore
Hello
Do you have some young hossie in bed with ya?
No, no, ehm
I ... I am just getting back from the gym
Just getting back from the gym
Very unlikely
Yeah, I was ... you know, mostly cardiovascular today
You've been blowing me up for two weeks now
and amount such a bedroom with my headshot
I am coming in
Anna, don't, Anna, it's not a good time!
I will, call you
Asshole!
I wasn't so growsed that I might feel little depressed
Yeah, well, you know ... I am impressed
You're going out with the sleaziest guy in the New York City
With him the sleaziness is more like confidence
And he buys me flowers
That's such a predictable thing for you to say
I have to go to the theater
Where I am directing Hamlet ... sort of
I don't know what you're doing
I am coming with you I gotta job of my headshot
The theater is not a democracy
It's a dictatorship and I am the boss here
Hey, Theo, what's up?
She is my Ophelia!
We ... We are already rehearsing with Daisy
She even smells like the real Ophelia
How could you even know?
You tell your miss Daisy she's clearly too old for the role
Get her into wardrobe!
Well, that really worked out well
He's creepy
I think I like him
A street car named Ophelia
Tis now the very witching time of night
when churchyard's yawn hell itself breeds out contagion into this world
Now I could drink hot blood
Oh, with it's noble mind it's here overthrown
Guys, stage left, or my left
Left
How did you know, that I was a vampire, fair Ophelia?
Look at you. Hell is your shirt
Your knees knocking each other
You don't like the shirt? It's my new design. Sheep's feather
I do not understand your hunger for blood
Why you turn those you love into the vampires
Oh but you will understand!
I would ... rather ... die!
Nooo!
Ophelia! Nooo!
Ok, ehh
Theo! We got it more dramatic and maybe we can just
turn it down a little
I know of a potion that will help you
if drunk from the Holy Grail
Your soul will be restored and the vampire's curse shall be lifted
I see what ... what you're trying to do there
The only thing is ... I am not
I am not really sure vampire's gonna cry that much
All I am saying is this
sometimes I feel like you care more about what Theo has to say
than what Julian, the director, has to say
You know, I know, actors think tears make great acting, but
it kinda makes some look like a huge pussy
I think you have us mistaken for someone else
We are not Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
We are Rosencrutz ...
and Goldenstone
yes
Fucking pantaloons
If you let us go, we will share a great and powerful secret with you
Actually what he refers to, is the location of the Holy Grail
This play is really confusing
Let's talk later
Rosencrutz and Goldenstern are dead
Ah, where are their skeletons?
They burst into flames and dissappeared
Wait
Do you know of any good playwrights?
To be, or not to be ...
That is the ...
dilema?
It's good guys, we'll get there
eventually
The Grail's hiding place is in this passage from scripture
Take Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to help you find it
Great guys, that was good
So, that's where you kiss
Why are you interrupting?
Dude
Great over here, Vince great
Theo, I don't think that's how vampire would really do it
Hm?
You know on, on the day I remember, you're gonna have fangs
You know, like ... homework assigment
Go to a costume store , buy some cheap fangs, they'll be like couple bucks
and just for whole day walk around with these things in your mouth
like you're vampire
Argh
You're a killer. You know
You're giving me chills, Theo
You'll do it like that, you'll gonna knock them fucking dead
Yeah, I ... I've believed it
Dial S for Shakespiracy
Brrrraa, ma ma maa
Now I could drink hot blood
Now I could drink hot ...
... blood
Now I could drink hot blood?
Hot blood?
If you were ever in the play with the vampires and Hamlet
You call the number on the side of this pen
You are in danger!
Hello, Rosencrucians and Goldenstone, how may I help you
Hi, yeah
I am in a play with Hamlet and vampires
Vampires and Hamlet, I'll patch you through
An apple a day keeps the demons away
Oh my god, it's you
What, what is this, what's with this, I thought you were supposed to be a homeless
That was a disguise, I work for a secret society
Yes, yes, no, hey, look, that's great
They could be watching me right now, so we don't have a lot of time
The story we're speaking, the vampire puts on the play to trap a large group of victims
and feed on them
Oh, fuck not, that's great
Are they gonna feed on me?
No, every actor in the play will be turned into a vampire
to save on the costs of special effects
and a torso gives the play an authenticity
Charlotte, I can't die, this is terrible timing for me
I am in the prime of my life, I am playing Hamlet right now
Hamlet!
On the lonely seas, you shall find prince Hamlet
and bring him back to me
Theo cannot know that you know, if he asks you questions,
don't answer. Repeat what he says as if you don't understand, with a question mark
What with a question mark?
Oh, that's perfect
A paper is not safe if I am captured
Pirates threat
You two cowards, come here quickly
Closer, closer
That's great, that's just great, I knew it
I am gonna have to quit the play
I am gonna have to quit the play!
It's too late for that
You and your friends are as good as undead
I am feeling all tingly inside
unless you follow my instructions exactly
The vampires hate garlic, it's one of the many random rules
Aye, aye. I said to get some pizza ...
with some garlic
Nextime you want to break for lunch, you ask first
and then we'll all break at the same time
I hope you bought enough for everyone
Yeah, yeah
Ok, so tell me this, genious, if Theo is a vampire
how come the sunlight doesn't bother him?
Many have mutated, garlic is one of the only things
that still repels them
Whooh. What's a pizza without garlic
You know, that's my mother used to say
Put it in your food, you must always be eating garlic
Hmm, hmm hm hmm
That's good
Why, why you're helping me?
I work for a secret society, that deals with your cult
Demons, spares, everlasting life, et cetera
Allright, if you want me, vile wenches of the depths
then take me now
Look how easily the prince gives up
How weird he's never been in a fight
Me thinks he's never had his arms cut off
Great, don't fix it, if it's not broken
I don't work with him, until he brushes his teeth or something
His breath is so disgusting he deserves to die
Hey, Zadeska, that's a little bit harsh, don't you think?
Ok, come on
Oh, Jesus man, you stink
I know, I know, can I talk to you for one second, please?
Thank you, great. Fuck it
Ehm, I ... yeah, I know
I think that Theo, is a real Horatio
I know, he's a really good actor, it's actually pretty inspiring
No, no, no, no
You really stink
I know I stink! I have to eat garlic
We had to quit the play
What?
We ...
We have to quit ... the play!
What do you talking about?
We have to quit the play!
We have to quit the play!
Hey, hey, get it together man. You gonna blow this for us
Jules
Try to remember that the best acting is not acting
Why, was I overacting?
As I lay undying
Oh, Horatio, you don't care about life
Naive you are, you just want to destroy the Grail,
but I have hidden it
I have hidden the paper that tells of its location with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
whom you shall never find
Now, die!
Wha, ha, silly prince!
one vampire cannot kill another
since we are both cut from the same evil demon
Goddamned, you know who's gonna get cutted, paleface
You! Cause I know Theo, I know what you are!
No, no, no, Zadeska
Allright, Zadesca that's
No, no, what are you doing?
Horatio had turned Hamlet into vampire in earlier scene
Zadeska, did you read this play?
No, no, oh what?
I
said
no!
Are you ok?
We don't treat actresses like that!
She was being disobidient
I thought that was what you're wanted
I was only trying to protect you, master
Hey, I think you might be getting a little bit into the character
He's not breathing!
What?
Come on, Vince, open your eyes. I know that you're there
If you were to been may deceased by this unfortunate mishap
well well then oh well,
but I know that's not the case!
I can feel you
I can feel you!
Did I do good, master?
No, you did not do good!
It's taken too long, now everyone thinks he's dead
he can't be in the play
We've already have all these posters made
Doctor said it was just a spider bite
Seems so weird
Well, that must have been a really big spider, dog
Like what a?
I don't think he was married bro
Damn, dude, like, fuck, dog
He's still very upset about Vince
Something else's been bothering me too
Does my beard working for my character?
I mean I looked it up all night, it's very shakespearian
But, you know, I am not married to it
What I am saying?
Can we talk about this later?
Yeah, let's table this till maybe after the funeral?
Anna, I want you to know, that even in these darkest of times
Your heavenly presence could make even the dead feel alive
Thank you Theo
Easy buddy, she's with me
Of course
That's just the way I act around the gorgeous woman
Yeah, well, act a little smaller, ok, powder face
Unless you want to play part of the corpse
And Anna, I hope that you won't let this unfortunate incident prevent you
from fullfilling your role as Ophelia
No, I won't quit
You happy now, fancy pance
My name is Charlotte Lawrence
I am part of the secret society, that needs your help
Hm?
I know what happened to Vince
You're in the middle of the two thousand years old conspiracy
If you have any question, watch this DVD
Meet me at the central, first thing tomorow morning
If anyone asks where you're going, you must lie to them
I am not very good liar
Just! Ok
Tell them you have dentist appoitment or something
We don't have much time
Rosencrucians and Goldenstone
What did the priest say?
Oh, ah. Nothing really, you know she just said a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers kind of thing
She?
He! You know, she like the religious she
Listen, Julian, there's no way to recast the play this late date
unfortunately you'll have to play Hamlet now
Thanks for the kind words, Theo
That Theo guy, he's pretty creepy, hm?
I think he's probably a hesbian too. What do you think?
You don't know what hesbian means, do you?
You're flirting with him
You attracted to him?
What do you want me to say?
You suppose to say "I wasn't flirting with him, you idiot!"
I wasn't flirting with him, you idiot!
It does not work now!
Hey, honey, just thought, you know
we could, unwine, what do you say baby, come on
Not after Vince's funeral
Hey, I liked him too, but he was a liar
I had to do a background check
And you know what, I was right
He wasn't even gay
You did a background check on him?
Hey
That's demented
What, I did that with everybody
Vince, just think of the afterlife as an audition
You got the part, man. You gonna be great in the role
Hey, you know, you're not the only one around here with depressing news, you know that?!
I just found out, that my shipment of ten thousand Germ-o-Whacks has got returned, ok?
That insult!
Was a no brainer!
What is that?
What, that, ai ey ... it's a, er, espresso machine
Have you've been filming us having sex?
Come on. So what?
So what? And you think Theo's a creep?
Honey
Wait, ok. Honey, that is important
Harvy, hold on, hold on
Listen, honey, let me talk. Hold on, hold on a second
Let me talk to you
I don't wanna hold on any more
I am leaving you
Hey, if you're going out, could you bring back some soya milk?
And a ... a. Just some soya milk
Harvy, I need you to do some research on this guy
His name is Theo Horace. Some kind of vampire fanatic
Please, don't turn the TV on. It hurts my eyes
Then don't watch it
It's for my job, sorry
Hello, you are being initiated into level one of Rosencrucianism and Goldenstoness
What is this?
Psh
The first written evedence of our secret society
is the rosencrucian and goldenstonian manifesto published in 1615
The author claims that he was inspired by an encounter with two vampires
named Rosencrutz and Goldenstone
They described a four hundred year old duel over the Holy Grail
between a master Vampire named Horatio and his nemesis
the former vampire
prince Hamlet
Who drunk from the Holy Grail curing himself of the vampire curse
then traveled around the world erasing much of Horatio's legacy
curing another vampires of their curse, turning them back into humans
while still retaining his own everlasting life
Today, a vampire Horatio is known as playwright, Theo Horace
Who always hires young, controllable human to direct his plays
and turns every actress in his play
into a vampire bride
We believe, that Hamlet resigned himself for giving Horatio one last chance
to save his soul and that on opening night of Horatio's latest play
Hamlet will confront Horatio and his crusade will end
giving our society a chance at long last to gain possesion of the Holy Grail
The information on this program is confidential
Thanks and have a nice day
Is this some form of experimental treatment?
Hi, guys
Anna
Hugo, please
Hi
Hey
Hey
I'm really sad
You look really beautiful
I think that's making me more sad
What happened to Vince was ... made me think differently about everything
That is so weird
I wish we could live forever
together
but we can't
All we have is this moment
Hi, Vince
Hi, Vince
Vince's transformation took far too long
I am going to send Liden with you tonight to kill him
You must learn to do it more quickly
Maybe one of us is going to be promoted to play Hamlet, dog?
Well that is definitely me
Eh, why is it definitely you?
Because, I am pretty sure Hamlet wasn't some sort of spanish male whore
We're going to try a little ...
... exercise
Relax, close your eyes, lie down
More practices, dog?
Yes, dog
Theo, I was thinking, since we're doing an extra reherseal
perhaps we could get an extra scale payment
No!
Ok
But, you're going to enjoy this
Straddle them
This is like kind of kinky, dog
Now, girls, it's imperative that you send to your thoughts
and focus on your objective
Dig in
Now let your blood mingle, as you feel the beat
two, three, four
Let your blood mingle, three four
passion, not emotion, three four
one, two, three, four
Crescendo!
Release!
Good
That was fast
The importance of being honest
This is a weird place for dentist office
Yeah, it's the only place that takes my insurance
What's a Rosicrucian and Goldenstone?
Oh, eh, it's probably like old english for
root canal and gold crown
I'll be like ten minutes
It takes ten minutes?
Yeah, everything's premade here
it's another cool thing about this place
Thank you for coming, Julian
I ain't come here for thank yous
I wanna know why my best friend is dead
I am sorry, but the truth is that everyone involved in a vampire's play dies
or becomes a vampire themselves
Except the director
Tea?
Me?
We, yes, like could make more hot water
No, I mean, me the director? Why?
There are certain rules, that exists between heaven and hell that can't be broken
Just as a vampire cannot enter your home without being invited
he cannot put on a vampire play
unless it is introduced by a human whose blood has not yet been tainted
I know, we're making a vampire play
Theo's play is authobiographical
Shit!
Doesn't anyone make anything up anymore
You need this wooden stake to protect yourself
because after opening night they'll have no use for you
Well, I take an offense there, I don't thinks that's true
We work very hard at the theater
Theo will make your exgirlfriend his bride
He's gonna propose to her?
Fine, she'll say no
She will be immortal like him, they will live forever
Are you trying to make me jealous right now, because it's kind of working
If jealousy motivates you, then let it fuel your fire
You lied about the dentist
Anna, just calm down, hey look, I'll buy you flowers
You're not supposed to tell me first
Hi Theo, wanna take a walk or grab a milkshake
That would be the best milksshake of my life
Wouldn't ... you're lactose intolerant
I almost forgot, this is for you
Oh, give me a break
Thank you
I love roses
She loves roses, Julian
Theo's a vampire
A vampire!
You mean Horatio, don't you?
He's been working too hard, boy, boy
Leyuba
I have been working really hard
Why ... why'd you stop?
Julian
Hey
Get in the car
I ... yeah, that's cool. I think I just gonna walk
Get in the car ... now!
This feels a little, like I've seen from the Godfather
No offense, I don't even know why I said that
Just relax, I am not gonna hurt you
I just need talk to you somewhere in private
There's no way I am getting in that car
Do you love Anna?
Ah, mister Bianchi, I am sure I don't know what that means
Do you care for Anna enough to risk your life to save her?
that's what I'm asking ya
Mister, mister Bianchi ... don Bianchi
ah ... I thought you said you weren't gonna hurt me
I am not gonna hurt you. I know you lied to me about being gay
but I am pass that, I know you were scared of me
Sometimes I speak and I don't think about it first
Whatever
I don't mean any disrespect
I mean ...
Let's whack some fucking vampires!
Yes, let's. What do you talking about?
And I got holding water in it
Holy water
And some other surprises ... do you ... do you know anything about how to kill these things?
Eh ... from what I've been told, I think you can kill them with a stake
They can drink all that raw blood, but they can't handle a stake?
No, no, no, not that kind of stake
This kind of stake
Whoa, yes, yes, see that, that's sick
That is sick, man, that is nasty!
My new invention is gonna come in handy, finally
How is that gonna do anything, it's just a watergun
Fuck, I'll break your, fuck
Break your fucking head open!
I am sorry, it's clearly so much more than just a watergun
Long day's journey into fright
Steady now
Weird, isn't it
Art imitates life
In your case - death
I always loved Alice in wonderland when I was young
So weird that the most famous children story was written by a pedophile
Tis true. The most best books are written by sinners
and the most romantic by men who
cannot actually love
This is so eerie. I forgot how much cemetaries creep me out
You're a vampire, Zadeska. Creepines is sort of part of the job
Would you let me focus?!
Somewhere over here?
What ... what happened to Vince's body?
My private detective said Vince got out
What does it even mean, Vince got out?
You know what I mean
Vince is a freaking vampire, you dipshit
Like, what you're saying, he just pushes his coffin out of the ground?
Where the hell's Harvy?
He's being digested
Stay close, they can't hurt me
They can't hurt the director of play
Hey, I think you've got a delusions of grandier there, kiddo
Get out your Germ-o-Whack!
I was in love once
... with Ophelia
I was in love with Charles and Charge, so ...
No, Anna
the real Ophelia, the one who died seven hundred years ago
All this time, I've been searching for her
Anna. You are the key that could free me from this cage
But you're not in a cage
Without your love
All the world is a cage
Why is nothing happening?
I thought you said there was holy water in it
I can't believe that priest lied to me
I'll kill him
Hm, you don't like crucifix, hey, crazy bitch
Bobby, the stake!
Where is it?
It's on your left
Shit, I got it!
You like to attack on my friend?
Right back at you!
We should go
Don't fight it
You're mine now
It is our fate
Holy shit, wow
I've never killed anybody before
But ... I guess she was dead already, right?
I thought ... I thought you were in the mafia
What? Just because I am Italian American wealthy, you think I am in Mafia?
It's always the same fucking stereotype
you people make me sick!
Where the fuck the other one go?
I am going home to get some rest
Hey, kitty. What? Neighbour throw you out?
Hey, you can keep me company at night?
Could use a little company
The cats like soya milk?
There you go
Somebody misses their girlfriend?
Oh shit!
Vampires are not allowed in somebody's house unless they're invited
You've just invited me in
Fucking cat!
Goddamn it!
How does it feel?
Hello
Hey, Anna, it's me, ok, please don't hang up
I am really sorry I lied to you yesterday
I wanna tell you the truth, ok?
No, no. It's me. I was being a bitch, I am so sorry
Something was really eating away at me
You were kind of being a bitch
Ehm, look. It doesn't matter. I totally forgive you
Just ... I need you to meet me at Vince's grave like as fast you can get there
Ok
Ok, wow. That was easy
Miss you, I'll talk to you later
Ok, bye
Wake up!
Wake up!
Wake up!
What the hell?
I tied you up and drugged you, but I don't wanna hurt you
I am standing outside Bobby Bianchi's home
with the forty old ...
I've been waiting for an hour and half
this hat has to protect my brain from radiowaves
Bobby Bianchi?
... inside sources reveal, that ...
Bobby Bianchi's dead?
... wooden stake bears the fingerprints of this young man,
Julian Marsh
Holy fucking shit!
It's you!
The motive appears to be, a love triangle
She killed him?
No
I can't breathe
No, I didn't kill anybody
Shh, quiet, relax! Noone's gonna get hurt
Aye, mate
The police are outside
I need you to meet me in one hour at my headquaters
Don't shoot him
We're gonna time up
The policeman cometh
I am not saying I liked Bobby Bianchi, you know
He ... he was criminal
and ... ehm, you know, he was murdered
and now that's, my point really is
the man was murdered and murder is still illegal
Officers, I will be ... right with you
This patient is having seizures
and needs to be rushed to the hospital immediately
Like, could you please get the door, officer
and I will meet you at the hospital
So we're looking for doctor Marsh
I am doctor Marsh
Ok, great, well
I am detective Wimbly
We're here, we have a search warrant for the premises ...
revealing, voila
And we would like to ask you some questions about your son, Julian
Right, I will be ... right with you in a moment
but I need to attend to another seriously ill patient
Julian's room is over here
Ok
So anyway, what I was saying
the real question just to wrap that, that little conversation up ...
is ... was Bobby Bianchi bad enough
so that it's good thing that he's dead or ...
was he good enough that it's bad that he's now dead?
Wait ... no
Ya, that's what I meant, so?
Do ... you know, I mean
You know what, just, could you go get us some evidence?
So I can put this sick fuck away
Gastro intestinal leakage
Holy shit, fuck man!
Are you a fucking ninja?!
Walking through walls now, it really scared me, man
Oh, look at this, good job
Wow, look at that, wow, he's a lunatic
Officers?
Hey, doc, you know what. Sorry, one minute
A side note here, what's the deal with this stomach leakage?
Is that, I didn't know there was possibility
Is this like, something I should be worried
Nah, I had him on warm milk for two weeks and it cleared up
Thanks
Ok, so your son is crazy, as you probably know
and we have enough evidence here to plead insanity
if he turns himself in or
if you tell us where we can find him
Unit two-three-four-one
Julian Marsh has been spotted on Malberry street headed towards the cemetary
Oops, too late. We'll be in touch
I need you to cooperate and come with me quietly
I know that your son is innocent
Aye, he certainly ain't innocent
but you sure as hell aren't
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear
Just because I don't want to hurt you
doesn't mean that I won't
Ah, Anna, you scared me!
Hi baby
Listen, I am sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but
this is crazy, but Vince is a vamp ...
Oh my god, what is she ...
what is she doing here?
Get the fuck away from me
Guys!
Hold it right there!
You're under arrest for the murder of Bobby Bianchi
I've been framed?
Yeah, ok, you've been framed
You're gonna tell me next, you've been framed for evident
freaky threesome in the graveyard, right?
Cause that's a little too intense
that's a thing that I was home you
about being a big city cop
you've gotta be able to pick up crazy immediately, you know
Whoa, ok, girls
Seriously!
We're policemen, ladies!
Two officers down
Call a medic immediately
So I told him, "Horses don't know what a crucifix is"
That's so hillarious. You have beautiful hair and teeth
Why is my dad tied up?
Guess, we just got to talking
I am so tied up!
Why don't we untie him?
Oh right
You're son is insane
He took me to a cemetary. To meet some strippers
I think they were hookers
There was an orgy. And then they attacked the cops
Wait a second
I can breath without a mask. I can see without the glasses
There's no more sunspots
It's a miracle
Thank you. I am cured
Yeah, that's no problem, Hugo
Can I get some bread?
I don't think I can get through this anymore
It does not matter if I introduce the play or not
The girl I love is vampire
With your help, Julian, we will hopefully recover the Grail
and once we have it, you can cure Anna
It doesn't matter, it's over
Hugo, why are you tapping me?
Well, as someone who witnessed your healing powers today
I think you're on a role
And as a girl
I can tell you that girls tend to get properly turned on
when a boy saves their soul from eternal damnation
Come on, Jules, what's the worst thing that can happen?
I don't know, dad. Maybe that I die
or become a vampire
Have you seen him? Have you seen Julian?
Have you seen him? Is he here?
He's not here yet
If he doesn't show, I ... I ... could get some coffee already
Boss!
Julian ...
Julian, yes, yes, I know, I am looking for Julian. He's not here
Julian
Spit it out!
He's here
He's here?
He's here
Hello ladies and gentlemen
Lidon, have a good show
My best friend Vince once told me
an actor goes where he's needed
Well, Vince was needed in the big theater in the sky
so ... I'll be filling in form as Hamlet
There's something you all should know
All the vampires in this play are real
There's a good chance they're gonna try to feed on you
or maybe even make you a vampire too
as soon as the play ends, run for your life
Another thing that is real
is the love that Hamlet feels for Ophelia
Hamlet loves Ophelia
So if anyone has the Holy Grail
I could really use it right now
Does anyone in the audience have the Holy Grail?
Raise your hand and I sure will come to get it from you
Ok, well. Enjoy the show and remember:
Run for your life
Death of a pale man
Dilema, no?
Question. What do you think about question?
I don't care, mister Spakesheare
I am not asking you to write The merchant of Venice part two
I only need you to get a clear message to Hamlet
That those two idiotic vampires he thought might help him ...
... are dead
I have to hide this vampire nonsense under the dialog
because I don't feel like being burned at the stake this month
and if the play is no good
then the review will be horrible
and this Hamlet person, whoever he is
won't show up!
Don't! Yell! At me!
I only ask you to write these words:
Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern
are dead
You've said Hamlet really loves Ophelia
What is that mean?
I am gonna try to find the Grail, cure this curse
Anna, you're on stage! In thirty seconds
Ok
But it's not a curse, it's a gift
And with it you never have to grow up
I thought you wanna me to grow up
Women ...
Rosencrantz
This meeting likes me much
We have not met since we were babies
I have come in hopes that I may claim once more my baby love
Oh, what the hell is this?
Come on, come on!
What do you doing?
This play that's Horatio wrote with Shakespeare
makes us look like idiots!
So I found this guy, W. S. Gilbert
to write the play where we are the heroes
This cool, no?
No, it's not cool
Horatio will still think we are alive
We gotta find way out of this mess
Think, Guildenstern, think
We could write a newer play and call it
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead
or something
You idiot!
You imbecile!
You ...
... genious!
I think it will work
Now, can we get Tom Stoppard to write it?
I hope you don't mind if I just ...
At last
The Grail is mine
You're under arrest for the murder of Bobby Bianchi
Ok, I ... I give up
What, no. Not you kid
This girl, she ... this crazy ... she bit me
You know you're off the hook actually
We've found Bobby's collection of homemade porn
you got to see this stuff
very ... well, it's not bad actually, very ...
... organic
Anyway, she can be seen, right there on the video
sucking his blood, after she stabbed him
really crazy!
She's obviously unbalanced, but
we cracked the case
didn't have to do
Case closed
What the?
Whoa
What, what, did ...
What did you ... What happened?
I think this is something that we don't file or report on
I think this is something that we forget about and we just pretend ...
just pretend this didn't happen if that's ...
you're OK with that
I am OK with that
OK
You'll clean up the ...
No, I am just gonna say this, cause this is right time
I need you to talk to me
Ok, though I feel like a real woman saying that, but I need your support
We're police officers and we've got partners for a reason
Ok, why don't I just ...
.. buy you a beer?
I like that
I like that
The Grail is mine
Be there! Be there! Be there! Be there!
Be there! Be there! Be there! Be there! Be there!
Be there!
Grrr!
Of course it would be empty
Hamlet got here first!
Oh Hamlet!
Hamlet!
Ladies and gentleman
I knew that Hamlet
wouldn't miss it for the world
and I was right
It's Hamlet, the real Hamlet
My play is turning out awesome
I suppose
that this is my entrance
I ... I don't know
I've actually never been on stage before
For every entrance there must be an exit somewhere
I just got here
Next it from what, Horatio, I am confused
Oh, from life, perhaps
Not a day goes by, that I don't dispise you
for giving up a gift which I gave you
The only one you should dispise is whomever dresses you!
My god, Horatio, for reals
Look at yourself, Hamlet
you've got the vitality and energy of a custard
Is that what you get from sipping on a Holy Grail?
No! That's what you get when you have a great workout routine
and you stick to it!
Oh god. Oh, thanks for showing up
now that I thought I just got a vampire by myself
I've got to secure the Grail
You had to change outfits to secure the Grail?
Coming in, mister Liden
Charlotte, I have visual confirmation on Hamlet
Retrieve the Grail!
Mister Lidon's with you guys?
Why doesn't anybody tell me anything?
I turned you into a vampire!
Also, by having Shakespeare write that epic tragedy
I turned you into a god
The only tragedy here is who in the hell
is Rosencrantz's and Guildenstern's acting couch!
I mean, right, people, am I right?
They're awful, just terrible!
Now is this a soliloquy or ... an asidethat I am doing?
Now you know, why I have to kill him
Kill him!
Must ... eat ... Hamlet
Eat or die, dog
Bony
In the Hamlet, you made me look like a lunatic
in this play ...
Well, it's actually quite close
Don't you think? I thought so
What do you, guys?
I thought so too
Me too
I love you
Bravo
Kiss me
But you're my sister
Listen to me, Hamlet
A vampire is the most graceful
majestic and powerful of creatures
You would throw that away?
God, your breath stinks
The smell of blood was once sweet to you, Hamlet!
Yes, and now it just tastes like ...
... blood
Horatio
You must choose
either death
or
cleanse thyself by sipping
from the Holy ...
Grail! Repeat. Visual confirmation on the Grail!
You must choose
But choose wisely
You choose death then
You battled to the end there, Horatio
Thank you
Charlotte!
I have the Grail, repeat, I have the Grail
Thank you, thank you
Yes, yes, give it to me
What do you doing, I need the Grail to cure Anna
There's no time
The only way to save Anna now is to kill her
Kill her? What do you talking about? Kill her?
You just ... you lied to me then. You used me
Take a bow?
Yes, just like you used all this leading ladies
Hey, that was absolutely wonderful
Great special effects
Thank you very much
Thank you. Bravo me, yes I know. Thank you, thank you
You know, I do a little bit of acting myself
Really?
Yes, there is my number
Thank you
Yes, I know I was excellent. Thank you
I will give you a call
Yes
Call me, ok?
Call me too
Oh, Julian, that was by far the best production I've seen in my life
since Missis Doubtfire, perhaps
Thank you so much, prince Hamlet
Please, call me mister Hamlet, Julian
Julian ...
Julian, ha, three hundred years ago
I slept with a man, accidentaly, named Julian
Oh, Horatio
How many years I've dreamt of holding your skull in my hands
Here, give this to your prop guy
I am off to find that hot piece of ass from the second row
Charlotte?
Shit
Hey
Hi
I've talked to Charlotte Lawrence
and she said that the only way
that I can save your soul is to kill you
But this is your chance to win me back
But you're already un ...
unbelievably attracted to you
I was gonna say undead
Exactly
Which is why we can be together forever
You want that, don't you, Julian?
Yeah
And?
And?
I love you
Breakfast is Tiffany
Hello
Did you just wake up?
Eehm, no, no. I am trying out a new workout
It's called lying down
Do you have some young hossie in bed with you?
Actually, yes
Aye ... we'll will be there in ten minutes
We? Who's ... who's we?
Who is this? I want to suck your balls
Vince!
Guess what I am doing right now
I am looking at review of a certain someone's little play
and I tell you what, it's so goddamn good
that I need a promise that I can be in a next one
That's all there is to it
Yeah, right, listen Vince
Crazy how life works
How ironic is it that I told you
your exgirlfriend was sucking life out of you
when as it turns out
lady's in honest to got vampire
Dude, I am so happy that you're ok, man
I would have given anything just to hear your voice one more time
Hey, man
Could you put Anna back on the phone?
Yeah
Jules
Anna, hey, before I forget to tell you
I found Charlotte Lawrence again
I tracked her down and
so we can sip from the Grail
and not have our souls
be
forever damned or whatever
But a vampire doesn't need to save her soul when ...
When, when what?
When she has a soulmate
Aaah, babe
You're my soulmate too
Allright, bye
Sorry, that was
that was my girlfriend
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are undead