Screwed (2000) Movie Script

Willard! Bring in
the videocassette recorder.
Suddenly, I realized that,
I don't have a pension plan...
...I don't have a health plan,
I don't have a dental plan...
...I don't have...
Where the hell is my blue hat?
I don't know, Miss Crock.
Do you expect me to go
to my 10:00 meeting, like this?
No. Absolutely not, Miss Crock.
I'll help you find it.
I'm cold!
You taking a coffee break, lazybones?
All right, it's a good job.
I should have known it was you.
Miss Crock, you have such an appreciation
of fine clothing...
...I was thinking it was time
you buy me a new uniform.
You lookjust fine to me, Willard.
And you're dismissed.
But, it's disintegrating.
The buttons are barely hanging on.
Willard, that is a terrific suit.
Your father worked for me for 30 years.
Wore that suit every day.
Never complained!
Yeah, and then he died.
And then, at the funeral, you made
the undertaker give it back to you... you could stick me in it
for another 15 years.
Just what are you implying?
Miss Crock, it's Christmas time.
I'm only asking for a new uniform.
"Only" a new uniform?
And pretty soon it'll be
"only" a new broom, maybe.
And before you know it,
I will be "only" bankrupt!
Now, would you please
get out of my sight...
...before I kick you in the ass?
It's not my fault
you have frost on your strawberries.
We have a contract.
Well then, I'll see you in court.
Excuse me, ma'am.
- I've got the Danish.
- Okay.
Bring 'em in.
Miss Crock, I'd like you to meet...
...Gunn Froling, Erland Vetterlund,
Per Malmsjo and Bertil Guve.
The executive team
from Copenhagen Snak Food.
Well, I'm just flattered that you're
even considering my little factory.
Lovely output.
That's terrific, Gunn.
You are truly a Great Dane.
Come, gentlemen, I'd like to show you
the Bun room. I'm sure you'll love it.
It's just past Jellies and Creams.
What a bunch of bores!
I never know what those guys are saying.
Never mind about that.
Do you think we've got a deal?
Does Big Boy have a weight problem?
Soon you're going to be
the richest, prettiest...
...sexiest lady in the entire pastry industry.
I've told you, Chip...
...not in the office.
Hey, guys.
Nothing says Christmas Eve
like some hot, spicy chicken wings.
All right!
If they're so yummy, how come
you only show up when it's free?
There he is.
About time!
Can you believe it? The old prune
made me clean her chimney.
Like she thinks Santa's coming
to pay her a visit.
Now, look here. Be careful with this
'cause it's kind of strong.
Willard, you need to make
a New Year's resolution.
Quit working for the ball-buster.
Show her who's boss, man.
Take a shit in her soup.
Thanks. That's real constructive.
You know how things are today.
A man has a job, he holds onto it.
In your case, till he dies of old age.
Yeah, like my old man.
You know what he said to me
on his deathbed?
He said, "Stick with Miss Crock.
You'll get ahead."
I don't know what he was talking about.
Merry Christmas, Willard.
Merry Christmas, Rusty.
"Good King Wenceslas looked out
"On the Feast of Stephen"
Oh, Chip...'s beautiful!
Now open yours.
I'm so excited.
Oh, Virginia, what a sweet gift!
I know how much you like money.
It's $50,000.
You can buy anything you want with it.
What are you standing around for, Willard?
We don't want a mess now,
do we, on Christmas?
- Will that be all?
- That will not be all.
Merry Christmas.
Miss Crock, I wasn't expecting this.
I thought of something that I knew
you'd be thrilled to death with!
Miss Crock, God bless you.
- Open it!
- You are a good woman.
- What's this?
- Your favorite.
Mincemeat pie.
Where the hell is my suit?
Goodness gracious! Sakes alive!
I thought you'd like it.
- Like it?
- Yes.
And I put a pair of cuff links in there
as well.
You went all out, didn't you?
A pair of crackerjack cuff links
and one shitty pie!
What are you doing?
I thought we were going
to Leroy's Christmas kegger?
Miss Crock said
I gotta spend a night in the box.
Damn! It's more like in Filipino prison.
- "Get in that sweatbox!"
- Leave me alone!
Feliz Navidad.
Just in case you get hungry.
Beat it. This is my dinner.
You rat, I'll squash you.
Come here.
I can't believe I've tolerated him
for as long as I have.
He's just a user.
Willard's exploited your generosity.
That's exactly right.
I mean his father, Teddy, was a nice man.
- But enough is enough.
- Really.
Well, tomorrow, we'll... him.
Throw his stuff in the furnace.
- Santa Claus must be stopped.
- There will be no Christmas this year.
You got that right.
You're not gonna believe this.
The old grinch is gonna fire me.
It's ridiculous.
Why would someone fire their slave?
Because she's mean.
She picked Christmas Day to do it.
Damn! You need revenge.
- Revenge! We need revenge!
- Revenge! We need revenge!
Let's kidnap Santa Claus. We'll break
into his toy shop and seize him!
Maybe those moon men are...
...onto something.
- You mean we should kidnap Santa?
Wait a minute.
Why don't we just kidnap Miss Crock?
- No, it's crazy.
- No, that's brilliant!
We'll grab Granny
and hold her ass for ransom.
And if they don't pay,
we start hacking off her fingers.
First her thumb, then her pointer...
...then her little nasty finger.
What are you talking about?
We're not criminals.
You fry chicken, I drive a car.
When that money comes rolling in,
I'll go crazy, man!
- I'll laminate my menus.
- Shut up, okay?
We know nothing
about kidnapping an old lady.
But what about her dog?
- You mean Biscuit?
- No, Muffin.
Yeah, she loves him
more than anything in the world.
I bet she'd pay plenty
for that old bag of fleas.
Yeah, I bet she'd pay $1 million.
Remember, we have to be quiet
inside the house.
Miss Crock is a light sleeper.
You ain't gotta worry about me.
This place is nice.
What the hell are you doing?
- I'm checking for electric eyes.
- There's no electric eyes.
- How do you know? They're invisible.
- Trust me.
I've lived here my entire life.
So, this is where the old bitch sleeps?
Okay, give me the weenie.
Okay, Muffin.
I gotta special treat for you.
What kind of aim was that?
Bite my weenie.
The hell with this. Plan B.
Will you shut that dog up?
You bastard!
Would you keep it down?
"Keep it down?"
This thing is eating my hand!
Jesus, this is a nightmare!
Put him in the box!
Who's smarter? Now who's smarter?
What should it say?
"We've got him.
"Pay us $1 million, or he's a dead dog!"
- How does that sound?
- Fine.
Let's get the hell out of here.
$1 million!
This is the happiest day of my life.
- With that money, we can do anything.
- I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna buy me a four-star chicken hole.
I'll get a better neighborhood
and a listing in the Zagat Guide.
I'm going someplace warm where you
don't need layered clothing. Start over.
I got some good years left in me.
I can better myself.
I'm gonna register at one of them
four-year universities.
My friend...'s to second chances.
Did you have a lovely sleep, Muffin? Yes.
Now, we'll have a lovely breakfast,
you and...
Oh, my God!
Look at me.
Look what they've done to your mother.
I don't know...
"We've got him. Pay us $1 million
or he's a dead dog."
Who's a dead dog?
Man, we've got so many choices.
- I'm just trying to get out of Pittsburgh.
- You said it.
Check out this. Bora Bora.
I was thinking more like Caribbean myself.
Whichever one has a school
with a strong liberal arts program.
Lord! I'm dead!
- We're going to jail.
- What do you mean "we"?
That's my picture on the front page.
Who would have thought kidnapping a dog
would make the front page?
Wait a minute. They think it was me.
They think I was kidnapped.
- They don't even mention Muffin.
- Why would somebody kidnap you?
I don't know, but they think someone did.
"There were signs of a scuffle,
the chauffeur's blood was on a wall...
"...and a note demanded $1 million...
"...or he's a dead dog."
Sweet Jesus!
We kidnapped a turd.
According to sources,
the missing chauffeur had been...
...a loyal employee for over 15 years.
Virginia Crock,
known for her mouthwatering treats...
...awoke this morning
to news that was not so sweet.
Do you have any enemies?
Not that I know of.
I'm just an elderly lady who makes pies.
Well, does Mr. Fillmore have any enemies?
- Who?
- That's Willard's last name.
Not that I know of.
Did he have anybody
that he used to bring around the house?
Not that I know of.
Does he have any living relatives?
Not that I know of.
...excuse me, but...
...this man worked for you
for over a decade...
...and you don't know
if he has any friends or any relatives?
Detective, Miss Crock has told you
everything she knows.
What do you mean?
She hasn't told me anything.
Sir, if it makes you happy... go right ahead
and find Willard Fillmore.
As for me...'s time for my nap.
Sources say that Fillmore
moved to Pittsburgh at the age ofsix.
Here's the thing. I hardly knew Willard.
Police say ifyou have any information,
call the Piehunt Hotline at 1-800...
- How did this get so big?
- Rusty, we gotta turn ourselves in.
How? They think you're the victim.
Shit! You have to be really dumb
to accidentally kidnap yourself.
Wait a minute.
This is all gonna get pinned on me!
You gotta get un-kidnapped!
You gotta escape!
The kidnappers go out to dinner,
you chew through the ropes, you get away.
Yeah, that's good.
That's good, but it should be real.
There was a struggle
and I got all bruised and beat up!
This is an airtight alibi.
Here. Let me help you.
- You like that, right?
- Yeah, wait a minute.
I got an idea.
What are we worried about?
Why don't I just stay kidnapped?
It makes perfect sense.
Instead of them paying $1 million
for Muffin, they pay it for me.
Why would somebody pay
$1 million for you?
'Cause I'm a man. Muffin's a dog.
- Yeah, but he got a pedigree.
- Gimme a break, I'm better than he is!
Come on! I'm better than a dog!
I'm five times better.
- "$5 million."
- It's repugnant.
It's like a rising stock.
Why did he jump from one to five?
All right, man. Let's see some real
emotion here. You're kidnapped.
Let's see some tears.
I want to feel something real.
- And action!
- Help! Save me!
Miss Crock, I'm begging you, please!
I got into MSNBC.
How do you plug that camera in?
I think like this.
In a startling development
in the Pittsburgh kidnapping...
...this shocking videotape
was e-mailed to MSNBC.
Help, Miss Crock, save me!
I'm begging you!
They got me wearing chains!
I'm living in a cage.
They're gonna kill me ifyou don'tpay.
Open your wallet, you tight-ass!
Jesus, somebody has to do something!
Dinnertime, dog.
They got me eating kibble.
I don't know how much longer I can last.
Oh, God, Chip...
...he's wearing a collar.
Collars don't hurt.
They're just trying to intimidate us.
Whatis that?
Is that urine? Itis!
Itis! It's human urine!
Chip, we're late.
- Miss Crock!
- What's your reaction to the kibble video?
Have you changed your mind
about paying the ransom?
She'll not deal with criminals.
It's a police matter.
Your chauffeur was chained like a dog.
Where's your compassion?
I'll show you compassion.
Get your asses off my property!
I'm afraid you didn't hear me.
I'm afraid you didn't hear me!
Today, dessert baron Virginia Crock,
reiterated she will notpay the ransom.
We went to the man in the street
to find out what he thinks.
She's rich. She can afford it.
If I worked for that... chowder... slut...
...I'd tell her to... get down,
get busy on my... man.
More concerned citizens
have started a formal protest.
No more pies if Willard dies!
Is that Hillary?
She's looking good.
Rich people are no good.
I'm never gonna eat herpie again.
This media blitz is killing us.
Our sales have dropped 50 percent.
Miss Crock, go to hell! Miss Crock...
Miss Crock, many bad things are happened.
We thought we were buying
your wholesome American image.
But it's terrible shock
that you don't rescue your loyal houseman.
Sweet old lady on pie box
is now super-villain.
I'm sorry, honey. They're playing hardball.
If you don't pay up, they're gonna walk.
Of course I'm gonna pay the ransom.
Ljust didn't want to encourage
those underworld criminals.
But now I want Willard
home again with me.
The old hag is coughing up!
Thank you, Miss Crock.
And thank you, Hillary, for kicking her ass!
I'm free!
We are millionaires!
Anybody here?
What can I do for you?
Are you Rusty P. Hayes?
Yes, I am. Can I interest you
in my shrimp boat special?
No. I'm here investigating
the kidnapping of Willard Fillmore.
- You must have read about him.
- I don't read newspapers.
We thought you might know him.
We were going through
Mr. Fillmore's belongings...
...and we found this
"Chicken Dinner Special" punch card.
Yeah, this guy.
- I was wondering what happened to him.
- He was kidnapped.
When he came in here, did he...
...ever do anything unusual
that would draw attention to him?
One time I seen him eat
50 chicken gizzards all by himself.
Look, if you come across anything
that might help us...
...give me a call.
- Sure.
I hate loose ends...
...and I want this case to end.
I was so scared,
I thought I was gonna pee in my pants.
He knows something.
He had a funny look on his face.
- Why'd you tell him so much?
- I didn't tell him nothing.
I told him about the time
you ate 50 chicken gizzards.
That wasn't me!
That was some Chinese guy.
Fong did do that, didn't he?
I'm telling you, we got problems.
That evil Kojak hates loose ends.
And when they pay and I don't show up,
that's a loose end. He'll go nuts!
- You'll be some place nice, like Jamaica.
- Yeah, well, he'll track me there.
Wait a minute. What if we fooled them
and made them think I was dead?
Like maybe if we borrowed a corpse.
Don't we know somebody
who knows somebody...
...who works at the morgue?
Hillary used to live across the street...
...from a dude who was in the army
with this guy who worked at the morgue.
I forgot it was Hillary.
Yeah, you can't hit her up, man.
She just walked a picket line for you.
Oh, my God!
I never thought I'd see you again,
and here you are.
- I brought you flowers.
- Oh, my God!
Wow! You're such a class act.
You get ransomed,
then you buy me flowers.
Well, I didn't get ransomed, per se.
- Did you escape?
- No, I didn't escape literally.
Where'd they go?
- All right, how did you do it?
- It was really no problem.
I told her the truth, we had a little sex,
she told me the guy's name: Grover.
Damn! Did all that in ten minutes.
What are you doing? Get away from that.
I'm sorry.
It's just a rock.
It's not just a rock.
It's a pet rock.
A pet rock.
I haven't seen one of these in years.
Yeah. I just dug it out of his colon.
Yeah, it's still warm.
I got a whole collection.
It's really amazing...
...what you dig out of the inside
of dead people when you cut them open.
People swallow everything.
Here's some dice.
The guy must have been to Vegas.
Got all kinds of stuff here.
This beautiful harmonica.
- Don't put that in your mouth.
- This is interesting here.
You gotta go in that way.
It couldn't have gone in this way.
He would have noticed. A broom?
"Where'd it go?"
"Oh, forget about it."
He's dead, and then you find it.
You know, it's all kinds of stuff like that.
This is good. Yeah.
It's a clicker.
"Hey, honey, where's the clicker?"
"I don't know."
"Inside me."
Here. Look at this.
A perfectly good comb.
Grover, how would you like
to make $100,000?
Well, that's a lot of cheese.
What I gotta do?
I want people to think that I'm dead.
Yeah, you just take one of the dead bodies
and dress it up like my man Willard here.
And when they find it, they think it's him.
You think it's that easy?
I can just take up any old body...
...and give it to you?
I got filing slips!
My bodies are catalogued!
This is a tight ship!
Why don't you take some old bum
that nobody would notice?
A "bum"?
Come on! If you do it,
there's $100,000 for you.
Will it show up on my W2?
No, tax-free.
Good. Because why should my money
go to pave roads and build schools?
Yeah, good point. Listen. This is the plan.
Dump the body tomorrow night.
And make sure you get someone
that looks like me, okay?
No problem. Piece of cake.
Here's some clothes of mine
that you can put on him, all right?
And I got my driver's license.
- You put that in his pocket.
- Yes.
- And here's some jewelry.
- Jewelry?
Those are nice.
Wait a minute.
Isn't this suit kind of ratty?
Ain't it gonna be degrading for a dead man
to have to wear this trash?
- Just do it.
- All right.
I'll do it.
Miss Crock, I just want to thank you
for agreeing to pay the ransom.
'Cause most folks...
Most folks just don't appreciate
the work we cops do.
- Virginia.
- What?
Willard, bring in our guests
some coffee here!
- What's that?
- I don't know.
The cover page is from Pic 'n' Shop.
It's from the kidnappers.
"Miss Crock, bring the cash
to Three Rivers Stadium at 10:00 PM.
"No cops or the chauffeur dies."
No cops!
What if those bums run off
with my money?
Don't worry, ma'am.
That ballpark is so gigantic...
...we're gonna be able to hide
a million cops in there.
I thought these guys were smart,
but they're in way over their heads.
You think the cops are gonna show up
at the stadium?
You kidding me, man? It's gonna be
like rush hour at Dunkin' Donuts.
I'll be waiting for you
in the Runway Lounge.
- Don't forget. The flight's at midnight.
- Then, tomorrow...
...we'll be lying on the beach.
- Sipping margaritas.
Smoking a fatty.
This is the most distressful day of my life.
Do we have to pay them all the money?
I mean, couldn't we, I don't know,
sort of shortchange them a little?
Virginia, bite the bullet.
I'm sure your taxman
will figure a way to write it off.
That's a lot of green.
Jesus Christ, I don't know what the hell
the wheel is doing on this side of the car.
God almighty, I don't know how
poor Willard ever put up with this shit.
- Hello?
- This is the kidnapper.
- How'd you get my number?
- Shut up! There's been a change in plan.
- Don't go to no stadium.
- I gotta go to the stadium.
You're not gonna do nothing
until I tell you to, you smelly old bitch.
Nowlisten... meet me at Midtown Park.
That place isn't safe after dark!
Cork it! I'll see you there in ten minutes.
- Quick, get me the police!
- I'm still here!
Try any more games like that,
I'll put a bullet through Willard's head.
Gimme the money!
You're the kidnapper.
You no-good hooligan!
You decimate my house.
You violate my public goodwill!
And why? Why me?
What did I ever do to you?
Gimme the money!
You oughta be ashamed of yourself!
Does your mother know
the kind of work that you do?
Don't you ever stop talking?
Gimme the money!
Now, I expect you to return Willard
in exactly the same condition he was in!
He was a strong worker!
And he had good teeth!
I got the money! I got the money!
I gotta buy Hillary a nice dinner.
I'm gonna buy my mom a new headstone.
One with her name on it and everything!
I got the money!
- What's in the suitcase?
- Get away from me.
Hey, mister, what's in the suitcase?
- Hand it over!
- Get away from me, you little shit!
- What's in the suitcase?
- Show us some respect.
- What's in the suitcase?
- Hand it over!
- I don't like your attitude.
- Take a hike.
Jesus Christ!
Zap him!
You can't let him down now.
You can't let him down.
Yeah, let's see.
Not bad.
Don't pay any attention to me.
I'm just gonna take some work home.
I'm very conscientious.
Oh, boy.
I'll go get it.
Wake up!
Where am I? What is this?
What's going on here?
The police found you beat up in the park.
But, of course, those incompetents let
the kidnappers get away, with my money.
So, I was in the park...
...and they got away with the $5 million...
You owe me.
And you're going to work off that ransom...
...until the day Jesus calls you home.
Just a chunk light in spring water,
not in olive oil, and a diet Coke.
There you are, as I live and breathe.
Pittsburgh's finest.
I'm truly sorry, ma'am.
But if it's any consolation,
we had every inch of that stadium covered.
We had snipers.
Who cares?
Would you do me a favor?
Find my cash.
I gotta get outta here.
Mr. Fillmore, I...
- Could I have a few words with you?
- Sure, of course.
- How can I help you?
- I wonder, Mr. Fillmore...
I wonder if you would...
...give me a description of the kidnappers?
- The kidnappers.
Well, I never actually saw the kidnappers...
...that well because I was kept blindfolded.
But you were not blindfolded on the video.
No, I wasn't.
No, I wasn't blindfolded on the video.
But I didn't see the kidnappers
then either, because...
...they hired a TV crew to shoot the video.
Yeah, we did it in a studio with a crew.
You got any Nuprin?
Why? What happened in there?
The bozo's covering for the kidnappers.
I really gotta get out of here.
- Stop!
- Where do you think you're going?
Rusty! Hey, Rust.
- Where you been?
- The drop off did not go as planned.
I concur 'cause the plan never mentioned
my best friend two-timing me.
- I didn't two-time you!
- Come on, man!
"I'll do the drop all by myself,
that way Rusty won't get in trouble."
Where's the bag of money?
Why aren't you at the airport?
- What are you doing in a hospital?
- A street gang took the money.
- Bullshit! You're ripping me off!
- No! I swear to God.
It was these big muscle men in the park.
They beat me up and took the $5 million.
They had guns and tattoos...
...and they had those two sticks on a chain
that you swing and you hurt people with.
- Are you saying you were mugged?
- Mugged? It was more like a rape.
Well, not a real rape.
Look, Grand Inquisitor,
if you had ripped me off...
...would you barricade yourself
in a hospital room with 20 cops outside?
You make an interesting point.
It's not imaginable
that things could be more botched.
What about Grover?
Oh, no! That fruitcake's
gonna be dumping my fake body.
Hello, County Morgue, Rita speaking.
Can I help you?
I'd like to speak to a Grover Cleaver.
I'm sorry.
Mr. Cleaver no longer works here.
Bitch, what are you talking about?
Mr. Cleaver quit yesterday.
He said he was joining the superrich.
Grover retired from the morgue.
Too wealthy to hold a job.
Man, we are no good at this.
We gotta stop this guy.
- How? We don't know where to find him.
- Call Hillary.
She doesn't know him.
She knew his name from that fat dude
who used to live across the street.
You're so defeatist!
Fine. I'll track him down myself.
If you did it,
you'd probably muck it up anyway.
The guy can't do anything right.
Mr. Hayes. What are you doing here?
I'm visiting my Aunt Mabel.
She's real sick.
She got polio and emphysema...
...all that shit together.
It's gonna kill her. I swear.
She's staying in this room right here.
I'm gonna go say hi.
Aunt Mabel, come gimme some sugar, girl.
I told you don't listen to them doctors!
Okay, you're convulsing. You gotta relax.
All right, Aunt Mabel!
I'm gonna let you get some rest!
Get some rest, Aunt Mabel!
All right, give Uncle Gordon my love!
That medicine got Aunt Mabel
real irritable. She's crazy.
She's normally a real sweetheart.
Detective, you're not gonna believe
what's happened.
We've just discovered a dead body.
They found the body!
They found the body!
Oh, my Lord.
That dumb-ass Grover. He's the only one
of us who follows directions.
We're going to jail. We're going to jail.
We're gonna be somebody's bitch.
Maybe if we confess, they'll go easy on us.
Yeah, maybe we'll just get
community service.
Or maybe they'll take us
to one of those country club prisons.
We'll talk stocks with bankers.
- We could really make some connections.
- You're insane.
We're gonna be somebody's bitch.
I have some shocking news.
They found your kidnapper.
- Are you sure it was the kidnapper?
- Of course I'm sure!
They found his dead body on the front
steps of the Quaker Wax Museum.
He was wearing all your clothes
and those divine cuff links I gave you.
Any idea why the kidnapper
would be wearing your clothes?
Any idea why the kidnapper
would be dead?
Well, that kidnapping den
was a real hothouse of emotion, you know.
Anything could have happened.
Well, let's just hope that body
isn't so ripped up that you can't identify it.
That's the guy. No question.
That's the kidnapper.
That's the guy?
That's the guy who beat you up
and held you prisoner?
Yeah, well, he was a lot more ferocious
back when he was alive.
Ferocious? He's an old midget.
Yeah, but he had a real low voice.
You know, very intimidating.
"Put your hands behind your head!
Get in the corner."
That's him. That's him!
I'd recognize that voice anywhere.
Well, in some weird, screwy way
that I will never understand...
...that is the kidnapper.
I'm telling you, this whole thing stinks.
Fillmore and Hayes are connected.
- Yeah, that midget was no tough guy.
- No shit, Sherlock.
They are definitely hiding
something or someone.
Our 1-800 line produced an eyewitness.
Meet Edgar Kettle. He saw the drop.
I saw the whole thing. The whole thing.
Last night,
I was in my check-cashing store.
I look out and I see a man
toss a body onto the steps.
- What kind of man?
- He was ugly.
Real ugly.
Get me the sketch artist in here right now.
This case is about to break.
That looks just like me.
"Wanted for Crock kidnapping."
Make this go away.
I'm screwed!
Willard, take away my salad plate!
I'm ready for the second course!
"Stick with Miss Crock. You'll get ahead."
Apologize to the man!
Apologize for what you did!
I'm sorry for misbehaving in the park.
You better be!
This is the man you wronged, Tito.
- Now, give back what you took.
- Here it is, mister. I didn't even open it.
That's 'cause you couldn't open it, liar!
It was locked!
As soon as I saw the address on the tag
we drove it straight over here.
- Thanks.
- Come on!
Your hide has an appointment
with my hand!
Yeah! Let's party!
"Willard, clear my salad plate!"
Yeah, well, lick me, you old bag!
Your busboy's going to Bermuda!
We're going to Bali, so I can date her.
- Yeah!
- Get some Bali booty.
Hurry up! Hurry up! Move out!
Come on! Come on!
You can't park there!
That's a tow-away zone!
We ain't never coming back.
Go park it up your ass.
Excuse me. We'd like two tickets to Bali.
First class.
- And how will you be paying for that?
- That's a good question.
- That hadn't really occurred to us.
- How about this?
- Cash!
- Cash!
- Don't worry, we got money.
- Back off there, lady.
There's no money!
Miss Crock double-crossed us!
The old crow never paid!
She didn't care if I lived or died!
She just ransomed me with cabbage!
The white zone is for the immediate
loading and unloading ofpassengers.
I told you not to park there.
She double-crossed us.
We'll triple-cross her.
But this time, we'll kidnap Miss Crock
like I said we do in the first place.
No, man, it's over.
Listen, sorry I had to leave so,
you know, quickly the other day.
That's all right, speedy.
I know you had a crime wave to get to.
So what do you need tonight? Dynamite?
Nitro? A getaway driver, maybe?
No. None of that.
Our gang's gone straight.
All I need now is a new life.
Answer the door.
Honest to God, he kills me.
His father never would have
goofed off like this.
He's never around when... I'm coming!
- Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you?
This is who the hell I am!
I'm wanted by every cop in Pittsburgh!
- I don't even know what I did wrong!
- Oh, my God.
You're the son of a bitch
who's got my money!
What money? I never got no $100,000.
$100,000 my ass!
- It was five million big ones!
- What are you, batty?
- The deal was for $100,000.
- What deal?
- You ripped me off!
- Yeah?
Good shot, huh?
Would you get the hell out of my house?
Where's Willard?
- Where's Willard?
- Where is he?
- You want Willard? I'll get him.
- Don't do that to me!
- You think I'm stupid?
- I'll get him!
- You sons of bitches ain't ripping me off!
- Holy shit!
- Go on!
- Oh, my God! Help me!
- Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
- Come here, sweetie pie!
- God!
- I got you!
I got you. Watch your head.
Come on!
Muffin! Muffin, attack!
Nice doggy.
Please, attack!
Come on!
Miss Crock, I got news for you!
I'm quitting!
Miss Crock, where are you?
- Hey, Miss Crock!
- I got some news for you, whore!
I'm packing up
and moving out of this dump!
That's right, you heard me!
Good-bye, pie hag!
Where's she at?
Oh, my God!
Grover stole my idea.
Virginia! Where are you? We're late.
Virginia, the party starts at 9:00.
Are you ready?
- What's going on here?
- We were just turning down the sheets.
Where's Miss Crock?
Who are you?
What's that note in your hand?
What'd you do that for?
I was scared.
- What do we do now?
- Run!
- This is so bad!
- Jesus forgive me!
Help. Police.
That stupid Grover!
What kind of kidnapper
uses his own stationery?
You know, they're gonna catch him,
and when they do...
...he's gonna blab all about us!
They're hunting us down!
Stop! This is the police!
- Well, no shit!
- Let's jump that fence!
- I'm getting a charley horse!
- I gotta start working out!
Freeze! You're under arrest!
Details are sketchy,
butin a twiststranger than bizarre...
...Miss Virginia Crock herself
has been kidnapped.
Oh, my God!
Snowball. Baby, let me in!
Open up!
- Have you heard the news?
- Yes, I know. It's terrible.
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
- But this is not our fault.
- You said it wouldn't hurt anyone!
You said if we switched the money
nothing would happen.
The kidnappers would be stuck!
All I meant was
that they couldn't complain to the police.
Now we've pissed them off!
You deserve that money.
She's been a figurehead for years.
Oh, stop it!
You're the only one
holding that bakery together.
I had to. She's out of her mind.
Exactly. So, why don't we
just let the kidnappers keep her?
Get me out of here!
The pain! I got a medical condition.
All right, Fillmore. Time to talk.
My dick hurts!
I want the truth. What's your connection
to Rusty P. Hayes?
I've known Rusty my whole life.
Our mothers were in church choir together.
I don't even know this chauffeur guy,
all right?
The first time I seen him
was in my restaurant, two weeks ago.
Last night, like every week,
I called up Rusty...
...and told him to come
and watch Monday Night Football.
Last night was Thursday.
Yeah. I'm sorry. It wasn't
Monday Night Football. It was Oprah.
Last night, I get this call
to make a delivery... this Wilbur guy.
You mean, Willard.
Yeah, right. Willard.
So anyway, I drive up to this mansion
in my chicken delivery truck.
You know your truck was impounded
at the airport earlier that day?
It was?
Yeah, right. No, I was on foot.
So anyway, the doorbell rings,
and it's the kidnappers!
So, they started chasing us.
And then Miss Crock,
I remember she showed up.
She ran in, and she'd just been taking
a bath, so she was nude.
Of course, naturally, this upset everybody.
Gunshots started going off, man.
The windows was exploding,
I heard screaming.
So, I run to my truck as fast as I can.
I mean, I run away because I was scared.
Chip Oswald says you hit him
over the head with a desk lamp.
No, he's mistaken.
He's mistaken. That was not me.
So, Rusty's got this desk lamp
and he's beating the hell out of Chip.
And, he's pounding him and pounding him.
Then I say:
"Rusty, that's not the kidnappers.
That's Chip!"
That's when the cops showed up
and they distracted everybody...
...and the kidnappers got away.
One final question.
Let's forget all this other crap.
Where is Miss Crock?
I don't know.
Who is Miss Crock?
Come on. Open your mouth.
Come on. You want some food, Blackie?
Eat some dinner.
Eat it, Blackie. It's good. Look.
- Come on, Blackie.
- His name is Muffin.
It is not Blackie.
Shut up!
The dog's name is what I say it is
until somebody takes you off my hands.
The sooner the better, Poopy.
The sooner the better!
- Yeah, go on!
- "Yeah, go on!"
That's my favorite TV program.
We're gonna watch it, Blackie.
This is it. Look at that. See that?
Hawaii Five-0.
- What have we got, Danno?
- Klaus Marburg. West German passport.
- How bad?
- How bad?
- Pretty bad. Went right through him.
- Any witnesses?
- Any witnesses?
- Yeah, lots of them.
- Only one shot?
- Only one shot?
Just one.
He was hitjust after
he stepped off the ramp.
Steve, take a look. Finished.
What is your obsession with that guy?
It's Jack Lord!
I'm the vice president
of his national fan club.
Clam up, will you?
Hey! What are you, crazy?
The show's not over yet.
Give me that.
- Excuse me. May I have your attention?
- Oh, my God.
I'm pleased to announce
that Miss Crock's Bakery... now merging
with Copenhagen Snak Food.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- Additionally... accordance with Miss Crock's policy
regarding kidnapping...
...we will notpay the ransom.
I know Miss Crock will be proud of us
standing behind herlike this.
Hey, wait a minute.
I'm gonna get screwed on this deal.
That's two dozen anthuriums.
What did I do? Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
I swear I'm innocent!
No, please! Don't!
- Who's the crybaby?
- We just busted the guy.
He was trying to pass the marked bills
from the Fillmore kidnapping.
Well, what do you know?
The brains behind the operation.
Get me Fillmore and Hayes!
- Don't tell them about Grover.
- Why not?
Things are bad enough
without us getting blamed...
...for killing that old midget
at the wax museum.
- Maybe we should tell them the truth.
- Yeah, right.
Like they'll believe it started
'cause we kidnapped Muffin's turd.
There you are. Get in here! Sit down!
The days of dicking Dewey are over.
We found the kidnapper.
Your partner extraordinaire...
...he's in our custody.
So, tell me all about Roger.
Oh, no.
You can't play those games anymore.
We nailed him with marked bills.
All that $5 million was traceable.
What $5 million? Miss Crock never paid.
What do you mean, she never paid?
I don't know.
You just said Miss Crock never paid.
What do you mean, she never paid?
- I didn't say that.
- You did. I heard you say that.
You said, "Miss Crock never paid."
I wanna know what you meant by that.
- I don't know.
- What did you mean by that?
What did you mean,
Miss Crock never paid?
What did he mean by that?
What the hell are you doing?
That man's a cop!
I was scared.
Every time you're scared,
you hit a guy with a desk lamp!
I'm getting out of here.
- Who gave you the marked money?
- I don't know!
It was change in a restaurant.
If you don't tell us,
you're spending three years in hard labor.
It was Chip Oswald.
Come on!
Willard, this is a cop car.
Should we really be taking a cop car?
I'm gonna kill you!
Put your ass to the gas! Go!
- Where are we going?
- I don't know!
Shit. We're not making things any better.
We gotta find Miss Crock and Grover
and clear this up.
How we gonna do that?
We know nothing about him.
We don't know where he lives, how
to reach him. He's a complete mystery.
Hold on. I got an idea.
Directory assistance. What city?
Pittsburgh. Grover Cleaver.
- Is that a business or residence?
- Residence.
- Is that Kleaver with a "K"?
- No, with a "C"... "cupcake."
Thank you. Press 1 to be connected.
Got it.
Aloha. You've reached
the Jack Lord Fan Club.
- For membership, send $25...
- I got the Jack Lord Fan Club. the Jack Lord Fan Club.
- Attention: Grover Cleaver.
- Wait! It's Grover!
He lives at 910 Mabley Terrace.
Mabley Terrace?
That's a shitty neighborhood.
Damn it! Turn around!
We got away!
As you can see from oursky-cam
they are traveling in a stolen police car.
Again, to recap for those viewers
just tuning in...
...less than 15 minutes ago the two
key suspects in the Crock kidnapping...
...escaped from a downtown police station.
We'll stay with this story
until its conclusion.
Here we go. I got it all.
Here it is.
One box of Fixodent.
One bag of prunes for the old chute.
And four pounds of lamb and rice...
...Dog Chow!
That's for you.
Where's my Ben-Gay?
You forgot my Ben-Gay, didn't you?
You know my muscles get sore!
"You know my muscles get sore."
Zip it, you nag!
I wish I never met that dang chauffeur.
Come on. The first rule of life, Blackie:
"Never do no favors."
You call kidnapping a man
doing him a favor?
I didn't kidnap that guy.
He kidnapped himself.
What did you say?
You ain't gonna take me alive!
- Jesus Christ!
- Why is he shooting at us?
He thinks we're the police!
Grover, we are not the police!
We are not the police!
Try to fool stupid Grover, huh?
I'll show ya!
- Grover, it's us!
- Don't shoot!
It's you guys. Come on up!
Hurry up! Hurry up!
- Any word yet on that car?
- Yeah, it's been spotted on Mabley Terrace.
Mabley Terrace? Jesus.
I'll need some backup. Let's go!
Grover, you have to let Miss Crock go.
Too much shit's going on.
No way! I'm out $18 for groceries.
- Here's $20, all right?
- I can't break no $20.
- Keep the change!
- All right.
- Miss Crock, we're here to rescue you.
- How dare you kidnap yourself!
You tried to swindle me?
I am going to have your ass!
- Miss Crock, I'm sorry.
- What nerve!
After all I've done for you.
I was under a lot of pressure, and I...
After all you've done for me?
Willard Fillmore,
the building is surrounded!
What exactly, Miss Crock,
did you ever do for me?
I've been your slave for 15 years!
I worked my butt off!
And then, when I got kidnapped,
you wouldn't even pay the ransom money!
Well, after all, you...
...were just a hired servant.
- Hired...
Well, does a hired servant
watch TV with you when you're lonely?
Does a hired servant read to you
that time you broke your glasses?
Does a hired servant visit you
in the hospital when nobody else does?
I did everything my father would've.
Not everything.
Your father was, a very special man.
He provided extra services.
Oh, my God.
Your dad didn't say,
"Stick with Miss Crock. You'll get ahead."
He said, "Stick with Miss Crock
and you'll get head."
Would you butt out? We're talking here!
Let's move!
- Can you see them?
- They're on the third floor.
Oh, man!
That's why I couldn't compare to my dad?
Now, don't be silly. It's just that...
...your father was very gifted.
- That's some big shoes to fill.
- I don't wanna hear this!
Man, you must've been a total let down.
No wonder she ransomed you
with an empty suitcase.
That suitcase wasn't empty.
I paid every cent.
Then why do Roger and Chip
have the money?
Roger and Chip?
Stop! Don't shoot!
They're stupid and confused!
Position! Move out!
- I'm going in.
- Come on!
I can't believe it.
I can't believe Chip shafted me.
I can't believe you came through.
Beaver team, move in! Go!
It's like an army out there.
I'm on parole for mail fraud. I gotta hide.
- How'd you get in there, man?
- I mean...
- Come on, Grover!
...took care of all of Chip's gambling debts.
I paid for all his methadone treatments.
I guess we both got the big screw.
Come on, Grover!
Don't move! Hayes and Fillmore...'re under arrest, again,
for the abduction of Virginia Crock.
And this time, it's gonna stick!
You clod.
They didn't kidnap me.
They rescued me.
If Willard hadn't shown up,
I'd be dead and buried in this hellhole!
I don't understand.
Then who's the kidnapper?
First, I wanna upgrade the assembly line.
Toss out minced meat.
Bring in vanilla custard.
Then, I'm gonna mix
strawberry into the rhubarb.
Freeze! You're under arrest.
Chip Oswald... are under arrest for the kidnappings
of Willard Fillmore and Virginia Crock.
That is ridiculous! How dare you!
I demand you leave my house!
Put on your pants. You're going to jail.
All right, let's get them hands
behind your back.
Oh, my God! It's the new Village People.
- You're all crazy!
- Put down that gun!
- I'm not going back to prison!
- What do you mean...
- Up yours!
I've got nothing from all of those years
of suffering, working for you!
- Nobody does.
- Stay out of this!
I'll see you all in hell!
I'll slice you and I'll dice you...
...and I'll bake you all into meat pies!
Well, it's an ugly ending,
but the case is solved.
I knew he was the kidnapper
the whole time.
Never trust a black man named Chip.
This is so beautiful.
- I could spend the rest of my life here.
- Yeah.
And we found a place
where almost everyone speaks English.
There's my juicy, succulent chicken.
Come here.
- How's business, baby?
- Great, Rusty.
You guys got a package.
It's from Miss Crock.
What did she send?
- Check it out. It's an Armani suit.
- And there's a letter.
"Dear Willard, I hope you're enjoying
your retirement money.
"Here's a suityou can wear
when you graduate from U.S.C.
"Back in Pittsburgh,
I decided not to sell the company.
"And I have a new man in my life.
"Grover's quite special.
"He's a little slow,
but he does what he's told.
"So, thanks again forintroducing us.
"Your everlasting friend, Virginia."