Someone Like You... (2001) Movie Script
If someone
had asked me not long ago...
why I thought it was that men
left women and never came back,
I would have said this:
"New cow. "
The new cow theory
was born of a broken heart.
It came to me while reading
an article on male behavior...
in the New York Times
science section,
which chronicled a particularly
fascinating study...
on the mating preferences
of the male cow.
- First, a bull was presented with...
A cow.
They mated.
The next day, the bull was
presented with the same cow.
The bull wasn't interested.
He wanted new cow,
and this was old cow.
Curious to see if
they could trick the bull,
the scientists came up
with an ingenious ploy.
- Do not disappoint Daddy.
- The old cow was smeared with new cow scent...
- Doesn't that feel good?
- But he was no fool.
This wasn't new cow.
This was just old cow
incognito.
Old cow in sheep's clothing.
- Mutton dressed as lamb.
But I'm getting
ahead of myself.
To really understand the theory and
how it took over my entire existence,
you need to hear
the whole story.
When Ray came into my life,
I was booking talent
for the Diane Roberts Show,
a local New York talk show that
had just been syndicated nationally.
The network had given us
a small window of opportunity...
in which to make something
of ourselves.
We're back with
Mary Lou Corkle,
outspoken
conservative activist,
who's here to talk about
her new book The Nest Crisis.
One of your central arguments,
Mary Lou,
is to blame society's problems
on working mothers.
Diane was determined to
strike pay dirt with her audience...
by appealing to both their
understimulated intelligence...
and their overstimulated appetite
for tabloid television.
Ambition has blinded
these women...
- to their responsibilities to their families.
- And so, by your standards,
doing what I do makes me
unfit for motherhood.
Well, we make
our own beds, don't we?
That is true.
Just out of curiosity, Mary Lou,
who's been
making your kids' beds...
while you've been out selling
your book these past three months?
My job was to supply
a steady diet of raw meat...
to satisfy Diane's
Emmy-clad ambitions.
Hi, Donald. Did you hear?
We've gone national.
Thanks.
Well, it's a new format.
We're just starting up
major exposure,
and I think it's
right up Hillary's alley.
Oh, she'd be among the first. I'm lining up
great company. Trust me, everyone wants on.
My only colleague in this quest...
was our writer, producer and
pathological womanizer Eddie Alden.
How are we doin'?
Publisher's having a coronary.
- That good, huh?
- You book 'em, I cook 'em.
Right on. Yeah.
Thank you very much. We are
here talking to Mary Lou Corkle.
Any progress with Cuba?
Well, just keep trying.
I swear to God.
This Castro thing is gonna kill me.
I mean, it is insane.
- She will not let it go.
- Forget Castro. Come on.
- I mean, what you want is a more creative angle.
- Such as?
- Elena Villagolla.
- Who?
One of the women the C.I.A. Hired to
try and kill him back in the sixties.
Excuse me. I believe this is
a smoke-free building.
Blow me. Apparently, the C.I.A. Cooked up
this death oil that could pass as perfume.
The idea was she'd rub it on, Castro
would be kissin' her and lickin' her...
- Don't editorialize.
- Sorry. He was supposed to croak right after.
Eddie could find the sex
factor in just about any subject.
He, of course,
considered this a gift.
- Nina, you left these earrings in my bathroom.
- You don't waste any time.
- Cynic.
- Slut.
But if Eddie was enough
to make me lose hope in all men,
it only took one
to bring it back again.
- Hey, Rick.
- How you doin', Eddie?
You are the only one I
haven't met yet. I'm Ray Brown.
- This is our new executive
producer. - Oh, from Washington.
I saw that piece you produced
for Newsline. That was brilliant.
Wow.
Thank you very much.
We just did a follow-up piece. That's
why I'm a little late getting up here.
- Oh.
- Well, I better scoot.
Jane, you want me to get 'em to turn the
A.C. Up? You're looking a little flushed.
Okay.
- Jane Goodale.
- I know. That's an interesting name.
- People must confuse you with the scientist.
- Yeah.
- They're always asking me if I'm into chimps.
- Are you?
Not really. I mean, maybe
Curious George when I was five.
Ah. Curious George
was a monkey, not a chimp.
- A man who knows his primates.
- Yes, I do.
See you around. Oh, I heard Len Chaney's
people are giving you a hard time.
Yeah, they're afraid it's gonna turn
into an abortion debate and get ugly.
Which is, uh, right.
- Of course. - So
guarantee Diane won't bring it up,
and we'll plant somebody in the
audience to initiate it during Q&A.
I think you came to the
right show, Ray Brown.
So he'scute.
- Very.
Mm-hmm.
Care to elaborate?
Pale blue eyes, athletic, sort
of, um, J. Crew, but not as preppy.
- Oh, that guy again.
- Are you going to buy anything or not?
- Sh-Shush! I'm
concentrating! - Okay.
- Marital status?
- Girlfriend.
Why are we having
this conversation?
You know what? You're
right. He's too much work.
And even if I were up to it,
with my luck,
he'd probably end up
marrying her anyway.
Wow. There's the cynical bitch
I know and love.
So that's it. Case closed.
Leaving this one alone.
You feeling carnivorous?
Absolutely.
So what else do I need
to know about you,
apart from your addiction
to processed foods,
much to the chagrin
of your girlfriend?
"D."
- Whom you've been dating now for...
- Three years.
Three...
Excuse me. Three years.
Wow. That's, um...
Huh.
More serious than I...
would've guessed,
you know, off the cuff.
I guess it is.
You think you ever get to the moment
where you just know it's the right one?
That's it.
That's the person you're
meant to be with forever.
Probably.
God, he was cute.
- It's me!
- We're in here.
What's the problem?
Just jab it in.
- Don't rush me.
- What is going on?
Dr. Lipshick started your sister
on injections.
- Of orange juice?
- Fertility drugs, Jane.
The orange is for practice.
For God's sake, Stephen, if you
can't stick it into a Valencia,
- How are you gonna stick it in my ass?
- I'm just a little nervous.
If this isn't done right,
we could lose another whole month.
Oh!
That was supposed
to be my job.
I just wanted to show you
how easy it is.
You know, this is
a very emotional time for us,
and you're sucking the romance
out of the entire situation.
Oh, come on, sweetheart. I think we've
pretty much kissed romance good-bye...
when you started jacking off
into a cup once a week.
Leave my sperm count
out of it!
Chubby Hubby?
Come on, sweetie. I'll look at the
dirty magazines with you this time.
I don't think you should...
Enough about it!
That's great. Just great.
Very nice, Nina.
Very grown up.
At least one of us is.
Good morning.
Don't bother, Eddie.
I already know you're an asshole.
Hey, you're always complaining
your apartment's too small.
Why don't you
move in with me?
- You cannot be serious.
- Why not?
Come on. All I'm meeting
are hip, successful types.
- I'd much rather have someone like you.
- Gee, thanks.
No, hey. This would be
a strictly financial arrangement.
I've got no interest in you
that way whatsoever.
- What a relief.
- Come on. Is that a no?
Actually, it's a "Thanks, but not
if my life depended on it. "
- Hello.
- You up for a walk?
- What?
- What?
I was just gonna...
I can't speak.
You say something.
No, no, no, don't.
Do you think I'm insane?
Not at all.
I was just thinking how good
my apartment looks with you in it.
Let's start again.
You were eating Cocoa Puffs.
- Right.
- Then a couple cartoons.
- A Tweety Bird and a Road Runner, I think.
- Then some more kissing.
- Right.
- Okay, go on.
We had to get ready for work, so I
walk into the door, and he gave me a...
- Morning, Jane.
- Morning, Les. How are ya?
- Big finale-type kiss
before leaving? - Exactly.
That's good, good, good.
Very good, considering.
- Considering what?
- Considering he's already picked out his wife.
I told you, Liz,
they're having problems.
- They're not engaged.
- Yet.
Nevertheless, he does sound like an
interesting prospect, so here's what you do.
Pretend she doesn't exist.
Never mention her name.
If he mentions her, you just
nod politely, change the subject.
- Why?
- Because if you bring her up,
he's gonna feel
pushed and resentful.
This way, it's like,
"I'm healthy, I'm happy.
No pressure.
Getting sex other places. "
- It's gonna drive him nuts.
- Lizzy, where do you get this stuff?
Snagmen. Com.
It's very informative.
- Odd.
- Read the papers, Jane.
are lying about their age,
so excuse me, Miss "I have a
crush, so I'm currently in denial. "
You gotta get on your game.
You know what I really need to
know? What do I do right now...
when I see him in my staff
meeting in five minutes?
That's easy.
Pretend he doesn't exist.
Well, good morning, Eddie.
- What is on your neck?
- I bit myself shaving.
Isn't that why God
invented turtlenecks?
- No. That's why God invented Darlene.
- You are so gross.
- Hey, Eddie. Hi, Jane.
- Hey, Ray.
Hey, Ray. Mornin'.
You okay?
You look a little tired.
Morning, Diane.
Straw. Mmm.
- Okay. I'm late, I know. I'm sorry.
- Morning.
I locked myself out of the apartment.
Keys, wallet, total nightmare.
The only reason
I'm standing here right now...
is because of Habib, the nicest
cab driver in the city of New York.
Okay, now, who saw
ABC's 4 a. m. Newscast?
I think a lot of us
missed that, Diane.
There's a big story on how single
media outlets aren't cutting it anymore.
Ray, where are we
on interactive?
- The web site should be up and running on Monday.
- No, not should be.
Will be!
We cannot sell this show...
on the pissant advertising budget
they've given us.
We need to be
streaming 24-7,
and we need to make
every show count.
- Remember, it is all
about the get. - The get.
We cannot make a splash
if we only get...
the gets that everybody's
already gotten.
- I need the ungettable get, got it?
- Got it.
Good.
Okay, where are we
on Fidel?
Uh, well,
I spoke with Juanita,
his, um,
foreign press secretary,
who assured me
that the moment...
el presidente was back
from his fantasy baseball camp...
she would
approach him about it.
And what did she say?
He might be interested?
Did she discuss
his availability?
Tell me, do you think
we have a shot here?
- Jane?
- Sorry.
I said what do you think your
chances are of getting this guy?
I think they're good, Diane.
I think they're very good.
Uh, j-just a minute.
Sorry.
I thought I'd just, um,
do a few sit-ups.
Joy: The emotion evoked by the
prospect of possessing what one desires.
Rapture: The experience
of being carried away...
by an overwhelming
emotion or passion.
Ecstasy: A state of being
beyond reason and self-control.
I cannot feel my legs.
- Tell me again what we're doing here, please.
- We're coming up for air.
- Oh, right.
- Besides, I owe you a shirt.
Hey, that's a good idea.
- Blue?
- Yeah.
This one's pretty.
- You think?
- With your eyes.
Could be risky, given your
impatience with buttons.
Well...
- I love it. We'll take this one.
- My treat.
- No, no, no. No, Jane.
- Shut up.
- Let me buy you a shirt.
- Thank you.
- Hey, guys.
- Eddie, hey!
Wow. We were...
I mean, I just, uh...
- She's helping me pick out a shirt.
- Yeah.
- Well, I didn't mean to intrude.
- Not at all. You're not.
- Not at all. Please!
- No.
Listen,
I gotta go to a thing.
- I gotta hit this... Great running into you.
- Okay.
- Both of you. My God! I can't even...
- See you around.
- All right. -
Okay. - Yeah.
What a coincidence. First I run
into Ray, and then we run into you.
I didn't even know he lived
around here, and then, boom!
All of a sudden, there he is.
Um, so, uh...
Wha... Okay, so I am
sleeping with him.
Eddie, if you tell anyone at
the office, so help me, God...
What are you thinking?
I'm... I'm thinking
the same thing you are, Jane,
that you and Ray are gonna
live happily ever after...
with matching Volvos
and chocolate labs.
See you Monday.
Did you have
any friends growing up?
Better hurry. I think he's
waiting down the street.
I love you, Jane.
I love you too.
He just came right out and said it,
after only six weeks.
Oh, my God. Takes most guys
like a year to use the "L" word.
When they finally do,
they're usually, you know,
on top of you,
so it doesn't really count.
- What about the "D" woman?
- He's telling her tomorrow night.
- Why didn't he tell her already?
- He's in a complicated situation.
Anyhow, if he were
having second thoughts,
I hardly think he would've
asked me to live with him.
He asked you to live with him?
Oh, my God.
He asked you to live with him?
Oh, my God.
- What did you say?
- I must've said yes or something to that effect...
because he started calling realtors,
and I gave my landlord notice.
Ohh! Mazel tov!
Oh, I can't believe this!
You're getting asked
to play house by some guy,
and I'm still on
the blind date circuit from hell.
I take it last night
did not go very well.
Awful. Do me a favor. Next
time Julian offers to set me up...
with one of his straight friends,
shoot me before I say yes.
I'm in a sad state.
And I'm telling you,
it's just screaming potential.
H- Hello?
- I didn't mean to intrude.
- No, we're fine.
Didn't you want to seethe patio?
Come on out.
Isn't it just wonderful?
Wait'll you see the view.
It's just spectacular.
Right this way.
Right down
to the World Trade Center.
It's such a jewel box.
I guess I'll leave you two alone
to talk things over.
- Oh, my God. It's unbelievable.
- I love it! I love it!
It's amazing. The light
is so good! I love you.
I don't know.
Liz, I gotta go.
Oh, my God. He looks like
he's been hit by a bus.
I'll call you back.
I feel like I've been
hit by a bus.
You told her?
Was it bad?
Not like I thought.
I mean, she, uh... She didn't go
hysterical or anything like that.
She just, uh,
was kinda,
you know, eerily calm
about the whole thing.
- Well, that's good, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
I just meant,
you know,
it wasn't what I expected
is all, you know?
- What'd she say about us?
- She just, she just...
I
- I didn't tell her. Jane, I just didn't think it was necessary.
I mean, to hit her
over the head with this thing...
after three years,
it just seemed so, so awful.
I just told her
that it was over.
You know? And I think
that's all she needs to know.
- Right?
- S-Sure.
- And she was okay with that?
- Yeah. I mean, I guess.
I don't know. It was so...
It was just weird.
I mean, she just kinda...
Whoooh.
You know, she just
kinda went cold on me.
I mean,
sh-sh-she's upset.
She's upset,
the poor thing.
She's gotta be upset.
She's... You know.
She just didn't seem
terribly upset, so...
- Well, you're okay with it, right?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- I mean, you're happy.
- Happy?
I am so happy.
I mean, this is what I wanted.
I mean, there's nothing
between us anymore, you know,
and that's... that's what I
was looking for, so I'm happy.
How exactly did Ray disappear?
Slowly and kind of subtly.
Single pane,
double pane?
Single pane, I believe.
- Singles.
A lot more sun, I guess,
than I had recalled.
This doesn't open? Oh!
Well, gotta force it. Oops.
Well, maybe it wasn't so subtle.
Hi, babe.
It's me again.
Listen, the realtor called,
and she said that we have
to sign the lease by Monday.
I know you wanted your lawyer to have
a look at the contract and everything,
but my apartment's been re-rented,
and I have got to be out of here...
He is not sleeping with somebody else.
What are you talking about?
First of all,
Ray really isn't like that.
And second of all, the poor guy
wouldn't have time.
He's been working until 3:00 in
the morning every night for 2 weeks.
Okay, A: There's no such thing as a guy
who doesn't have time to mess around.
They always have time for that. And
If he ain't sleeping with you,
he ain't sleepin' alone.
Right?
Listen, you gotta talk to him.
It's better than not knowing.
Sorry.
This patch is worth shit.
Throughout the animal
kingdom, prey species have developed...
a wide variety
of escape behaviors.
Freezing is a common response
to predator alarm.
Sensing danger, many animals will
assume a rigid, statue-like position.
Fleeing is another
popular method.
Some species will simply
try to outrun their captors,
while others take
an erratic zigzag course...
in the hopes that sudden direction
shifts will eventually tire the predator,
causing her
to give up the chase.
Smell the bacon, Jane?
I'm wondering
what's happening here. I mean,
we haven't been alone
together in a week.
We lost that great apartment...
because your lawyer supposedly
didn't get his act together,
which is okay,
I understand.
But as of Saturday,
I don't have a place to live.
Ray, what the hell's going on?
I don't think I can do this.
Do what?
This. Us.
What?
Why?
- I don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know?
There has to be a reason.
Just tell me what it is.
Jane, I'm sorry. L-I...
You deserve an answer,
and I don't think
I can explain it to you.
I thought we...
felt the same way:
Incredibly lucky to have...
- found th-the thing.
- I do.
And here you go.
- I did.
I...
I just think that we both
need to take a step back.
I mean we're talking about
a very serious move here.
L- I just wanted...
I still...
I don't even know
what I'm trying to say.
I feel like... such a jerk,
you know, believing
that this was, uh...
Listen to me.
I love you.
I... want us to be
important to each other.
Please don't do that.
Please go.
There are few things
sadder in this life...
than watching someone walk
away after they've left you,
watching the distance
between your bodies expand...
until there's nothing
but empty space...
and silence.
Remember,
time wounds all heels.
Eddie Alden.
Yeah, sure. Hold on.
Hi.
Are you all right?
Why?
Don't I look all right?
- You look like you hate my guts.
- I do hate your guts.
That's nice.
I don't blame you,
you know.
For what it's worth, this
hasn't been easy for me either.
Oh, yeah, you look
really... destroyed.
- Hey.
- Hey, Eddie.
Eddie, did you by any chance
ever find a roommate?
Well, no, actually.
Because the place I was supposed to
move into just suddenly fell apart...
and my apartment's
been re-rented...
and I was wondering
if the offer's still good.
- Y-You're moving in with Eddie?
- Maybe.
- What's the apartment like?
- Uh...
Just a two-bedroom loft, big
kitchen, lots of windows, living room.
Sounds amazing.
When can I see it?
- You're moving in with Eddie.
- How about tonight?
Perfect.
Everything is just perfect.
Hey.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- Here it is.
- It's huge.
Yup. Kitchen, living room,
whatever.
Uh, my bedroom, bathroom.
This would be your room.
What happened here?
Yeah, I got the urge to renovate
one night, but don't worry.
I'd have it fixed
by the time you moved in.
- You want a drink?
- Sure. Some water.
We don't have to share
a bathroom, do we?
Oh, no, I never,
ever use the bathroom.
So how'd you find
this place?
My ex-girlfriend worked
in an emergency room.
Whenever someone croaked, she'd check out
their address, see if it was rent control.
Eventually, we got lucky.
You lived with somebody?
- Yeah.
- For how long?
For... a while.
- So what do you think?
- I think I must be out of my mind.
- Hey!
- Thank you!
Shit.
Morphine for the pain.
Hey.
It was right after
she moved out.
I just took an ax
and started hacking away at it.
So I thought
opening up that wall...
might make it easier
to breathe or something.
I don't smoke.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You okay?
Oh, yeah.
What was her name?
Rebecca.
Put your shoes on.
We're going downstairs.
- What's downstairs?
- You'll see.
It's like there are two realities.
First, we're in love,
and it's incredible, it's perfect.
And then poof!
"Sorry, Jane.
Doesn't work for me
anymore. "
- How is that possible?
- Easy. You were living in a fantasy.
Romance, true love,
soul mates,
it's all bullshit.
None of it exists.
Trust me.
I speak from experience.
Man, she really did a
number on you, didn't she?
Well, don't shit
on my broken heart...
just because you converted to some
warped brand of romantic atheism.
Oh, man! Whoo!
It's called
self-preservation.
Oh, in other words, you narcotize
yourself with casual sex.
No, no, no. See, that implies
I'm avoiding reality...
when, in fact, I embrace it.
Don't underestimate
casual sex, Jane.
- It's very liberating.
- I'll bet.
I almost feel sorry for her.
What for?
I make no pretenses, okay?
Now, if she wants to put me up
on a white horse,
that's her choice.
We're all
grownups here, Jane.
I lay awake that
night wondering which was worse:
Guys like Ray who blinded you
with charms and promises,
or the Eddies of the world
who went right for your pants.
Oh. Excuse me.
And in the end,
it didn't matter.
The truth was, they were all
cast from the same mold.
- But the question remained.
-
Why?
And then
one day by the river,
I found my answer.
Holy shit!
I told them dumb asses
it'd never work.
You can't fool a bull, mister.
No, sir.
He knows where he's been,
and he ain't goin' back.
Hell, I got...
I got 93 cows.
Only one of 'em got nads.
Why? 'Cause that one son of a bitch
alone can knock up an entire herd.
But once he's done,
well, the party's over.
I gotta go over to Ed
Hickey's place down the road...
and trade him for a new one...
'cause there ain't
a chance in hell...
he's ever gonna touch
any of them cows again, no, sir.
- I figured it out. I'm the old cow.
- I don't get it.
Remember a couple weeks ago when we were
laughing at that graffiti on the subway?
- " Baby, I love the toilet you sit on"?
- No.
"I'm tired of banging
the same woman every night. "
We thought there might
actually be something to that,
- like it could be a window into their dark...
- Schizophrenic behavior.
Well, it is.
The new cow theory...
and "I'm tired of banging
the same woman every night,"
same thing.
This is why
men can't commit.
Sooner or later,
we all become old cows.
We're identified
as already serviced,
so they wanna move on
and find less familiar females.
- The whole novelty thing, you mean.
- Neophilia, to be precise.
- What do you think?
- What do I think? I think...
it's always about you,
that's what I think.
You fall for some guy, and it's like
men are worthy of heroic worship.
You get dumped and suddenly they're
shit-sucking, commitment-phobic assholes.
I'm sorry, Jane. The entire
universe does not revolve around...
your romantic status.
You're in love.
I'm almost in love.
Oh, honey,
why didn't you tell me?
You're having a spectacular
mope. I didn't wanna ruin it.
- Oh, my God!
- We met at a work party a couple of weeks ago and...
Just incredible.
I mean, he's so...
And I'm so...
Although I appreciated
Liz's intoxication...
over her seeming good fortune,
I refused to be derailed.
Now armed with
my new cow theory,
I became voracious
for information.
What are you doing?
Nothin'.
- Hey! Eddie!
- Whoa! What's this?
"Amygdala,
AKA erotic nose brain.
- Give it back!
- "An organ located in the nasal cavity,
"which connects smells
to memories.
"Banana slugs,
actually hermaphrodites...
While mating, the males
chew each other's penises off. "
I worry about you, Jane.
I really do.
Despite my conviction,
there was
the occasional setback.
I want my erotic
nose brain removed.
I beg your pardon?
My amygdala, the organ
deep inside the nasal cavity,
which processes scent,
which then connects to memory.
I'd like it extracted.
But why would you want to
voluntarily make yourself anosmatic?
Well, let me see
if I can explain this.
Um, I had this
boyfriend, okay?
And he smelled really,
really good, like soap...
and fresh laundry
and vanilla.
And every time I smell
any of those smells,
I'm reminded of my boyfriend
and how happy we were...
before he dumped me
for no good reason.
And I get very sad,
and then I get angry.
And then before I know it, I am in the
throes of an all-out emotional breakdown.
And so I was
just thinking, Dr. Glen,
if I can just short-circuit
my nose somehow,
I might actually have a chance of
living a semi-normal life someday.
Hey, wait!
Couldn't sleep?
- No.
- Me neither.
Does that happen to you a lot?
Yeah.
Me too.
Mmm.
- Just like eating worms.
- Yeah.
Talent. Mmm.
These are good.
Here.
Head back.
- Yeah?
- Good.
Good.
Cold dumplings.
My favorite.
Way to go, Tomcat.
Two points.
Tomcat?
Cheerleader.
A what?
I was a cheerleader.
- You were a cheerleader?
- Yes, I was.
Paul G. Blazer Memorial High. Pride and
joy of Cincinnati, Ohio, state champs, 1989.
- Go, Cats.
- Go, Cats.
Well, show me.
- No. No!
- Come on! Why not?
I just haven't done it
in ten years, Eddie. Come on.
- You come on. Show me.
- You have to do something that merits a cheer.
Like, uh, like, like...
Like three dumplings,
left-handed, in a row.
- You can't do that.
- Deal?
Deal.
One, two, three.
Like that?
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
- You promise not to laugh?
- No. Come on.
- What are those?
- Pom-poms.
Okay.
I hate you.
It's okay.
Ready? Okay!
The Tomcats are here...
to show...
Whoa.
Ready? Okay!
The Tomcats are here...
to show who's top.
You think can beat us...
but we can't be stopped!
Go, Tomcats!
- Whoo! First and ten and...
- Eddie?
Oh. Oh, sh... Um...
Oh, hey, hey.
- Um...
- Hi. I'm, uh, Jane.
Roommate.
- Isabel.
- Isabel, Jane.
- You can clean up. It's your turn.
- Okay. Okay.
Good night.
We're a little noisy.
Hi, George. It's Jane.
God, I'm such an idiot.
I mean, I sensed things were a little
off when he got back from L.A.,
but I just thought that he was
just jet-lagged or something.
Then he tells me the France thing
isn't such a good idea...
because he's gonna have
to work the whole time anyway,
so still, I figure,
"Okay, that's no big deal. "
So Friday he gets on a plane,
he goes over there alone.
Right? Wrong.
An hour ago, I call his
hotel room to say good night.
Guess who answered the phone
Penelope Pope.
- Who's Penelope Pope?
- I have no idea,
but that's what she said when I said,
"Who the fuck is this?"
- Oh, God. I don't get it!
- Liz, I'm sorry.
I mean, why feed me all that romantic
crap if he's just gonna cheat on me?
- Two words: Copulatory imperative.
- Excuse me?
It's the biological urge
to spread their seed.
The truth is, less than five percent
of all male animals are monogamous.
The other 95% are...
Plucking Penelope Pope?
Hi, Jane.
I, uh, stopped by H&H
on the way in,
picked up
a sesame seed bagel...
lightly toasted,
just like you liked.
Okay.
Ray has a cold. I'm hoping
it will turn into pneumonia...
and that weeks of bed rest will
cause abdominal muscles to atrophy.
Ben wants to add a column
to the magazine for women.
It finally hit him that
The idea is for it
to be about men.
You know, how they're
so paranoid...
- about going bald and that kind of thing.
- So...
Forget baldness.
The real issue is their behavior.
You know, that stuff like
that copulatory impulse...
Imperative. Hey, Bobby, can
I get some more hot water?
The point is, I think
you should write it.
Are you crazy?
- Well, why not?
I'm not a writer. B: I'm not a psychologist.
We don't need
a psychologist.
We need someone who's been
in the trenches, baby.
Liz, I don't know
what I'm talking about.
All I have are a bunch of notebooks
filled with ridiculous little factoids.
I mean, this is not a
full-time job. This is a hobby.
A sick, twisted,
pathetic little hobby.
You get paid to write about something
you're already obsessed with.
If you want anonymity,
we'll give you a pen name.
I personally think
it'd be cathartic for you,
and you'd be doing your dear,
sweet, wonderful friend a huge favor.
Pen name, huh?
I'm doing this once.
Do you hear me? One time.
- Fine. I'm telling you, it's gonna be fun.
- Fun?
I'm helping concoct the background
of a nonexistent scientist...
who's about to publish her delusional
theories in the nation's top men's magazine.
You're right. Ha!
This is fun.
Okay, try this. Um...
Born in Sussex, 1937.
Cofounder of the Institute of
Pathological Narcissism in Vienna.
- Who is she? - The recently
deceased Harriet Gould of Astoria.
No surviving relatives.
She's perfect.
- She even has a bun.
- That's her.
Dr. Marie Charles.
Oh, my God.
Every bull
begins a relationship...
with certain cards
up his sleeve... aces.
Tools of seduction
by which he lures a new cow.
One of the most
notorious examples...
is the current cow
sob story.
Allow me to deconstruct
the essential elements.
You're so easy to talk to,
not like my current cow.
This is key to understanding
the myth of male shyness,
for though you think
he is flattering you,
he is actually
flattering himself,
showing how open
and sensitive and honest he is.
I just try so hard and...
Well, I'm sure she doesn't
mean to be such a cold cow.
Just in case you're starting to think he's
a coldhearted, home-wrecking womanizer,
he'll throw this in just to prove
he's putting his current cow...
out to pasture for good reason,
and that he's actually tormented with
guilt at the thought of abandoning her.
What's that thing they always say
about the love of a good woman?
That, once offered,
it's guaranteed to come back...
and bite her in the ass.
- Enter case in point.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Thought you were with what's her name.
- Didn't work out.
- You have a little saddle sore on that white horse of yours?
- Okay, so what happened?
- Just lost interest.
What do you mean,
you lost interest?
How exactly?
Christ, Jane, do we really have
to have another postmortem?
I'm just curious is all.
So you went to a movie,
then back to her place?
Then what?
So we're in the kitchen
getting a drink,
and suddenly, she starts
looking for food.
We had dinner right after the
movie, but... I don't know.
She was still hungry.
She's always hungry, it seems.
And that's bad,
Women who eat?
Okay, so you're in the kitchen,
she's hungry again, inexplicably,
then what?
So she takes out a pint
of Haagen-Dazs... a pint...
and just starts eating it
right out of the container,
and there was just something
about it that turned me off.
Was the refrigerator door open?
- Why? - Answer the
question. Open or closed?
It was open, I think.
Would it have made a
difference if it were shut?
Would that have made the act of a
nonfat woman eating ice cream...
a little less revolting to you?
What if she'd not had dinner?
What if she were legitimately hungry...
before she shoved her face
into a trough of Haagen-Dazs?
Would it have repulsed you less
if she used a dish?
- Good night, you psycho!
- Good night, neophiliac!
- Are you sitting down?
Oprah read the article
on her show today.
The audience went so crazy for it,
she called us personally,
begging for Dr. Charles
to appear as her guest.
- What?
- I told everyone in P.R. A different story.
She's vacationing in Hong Kong.
She's at a conference in Tangiers.
- Oh, this is bad.
- No, no, no. This is all good.
Okay? Trust me.
I've got it all under control.
This won't come
anywhere near you.
"And so, while the male
may often seem shy...
"with all his Uriah Heep hand-wringin'
and 'aw, shucks' toe-kickin',
"he's actually a narcissist...
"because this apparent shyness belies
the more deeply rooted feelings...
"of unworthiness
and fear of rejection.
"And this is what compels him
to constantly seek attention...
from new cow after new cow
ad nauseam, ad infinitum. "
This is such great stuff.
It obliterates any sentimentality
we might have...
about what
noble creatures men are.
This right here is what we've been
looking for. It's-It's provocative.
It's clever. It's got mass
appeal written all over it.
There's just one problem. Nobody
can seem to find this woman.
The Today Show's tried.
Oprah's tried.
- Yeah, and have you tried?
- Eddie?
- Uh, well, no.
- Well, get on it!
Do you realize what
we're talking about here?
- The ungettable get?
- Yes!
I don't care what it takes.
You find that Dr. Marie Charles...
and bring her here
to my studio.
Let me get this straight. Your best
friend works at M magazine...
and she has no idea
where this cow doctor is?
That's what she said.
I don't buy that.
Why are you holding out on me?
I'm not!
I told you she's working on it!
- Just give me her number.
- I'm not gonna give you her number.
- Why not?
- She's working on it!
- Besides, you'd never reach her. She's at Jivamukti.
- Huh?
- Yoga.
- Yoga what?
- Jivamukti.
- Jiv...
- Manhattan. Jivamukti.
- Eddie!
It's a yoga place.
Eddie, don't be a jerk!
Eddie, come on!
- This is so ridiculous.
- Ohhh!
Hey, hey, you have
to leave your shoes in here.
Liz?
Excuse me.
Jerk, she is my best friend.
I would certainly know if...
- Jane?
Stay!
- Bring your leg up higher.
- Excuse me, sir, you're gonna have to leave.
Gee. Sorry. I know.
I'm just looking for a friend.
Oh.
- Sorry. You okay?
- Eddie.
How you doin', Becca?
I'm good.
What are you
doing here?
I, uh... I-I don't know.
Come, class. Let's forget
about this disturbance.
It's okay. Everyone,
let's come on up.
Get back to your spaces
and let's prepare for lion pose.
Hey, inhale. Exhale.
Open your mouth.
Stick out your tongue.
That was Rebecca?
Eddie, talk to me.
There's nothing
to talk about.
- Hi, Liz.
- I cannot believe it.
- Hey, Janey!
- Hi! Hi, guys!
Eddie, this is my sister Alice
and my brother-in-law Stephen.
- You're... Eddie.
- Yeah. Hey.
- Are you two taking yoga class together?
- No.
- We were just... I... It-It's stupid.
- No, no, it's not stupid.
- We don't think it's stupid.
- No. We just started the pregnancy class.
- Oh, yeah. Congratulations.
- Thanks. She's a great breather.
- Listen, I gotta go.
- Hey, it was really nice to meet
you, Eddie. - Bye-bye.
Eddie preferred
to leave things unsaid...
and went back to grazing
in greener pastures.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Merry Christmas.
- I'm getting out of here.
- Okay.
- Uh, two champagnes, please.
- Yes, sir.
Shouldn't that be a champagne
and a Shirley Temple?
- Sorry.
- No, you're not.
- So where'd you meet her?
- She's Emily's roommate.
Emily that I made
coffee for last Sunday?
Uh-huh.
Isn't that complicated?
It's never complicated, Jane.
Thank you.
Evening, sir.
What can I get you?
- Scotch, please.
- Yes, sir.
Did you hear Diane's
joke about the reindeer?
Funny!
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
I miss you, Jane.
Am I... Am I supposed
to walk away now?
No.
Can we get away from this?
Can we do something?
Get together for lunch,
dinner, Friday night.
Friday is New Year's Eve.
Oh, that's right.
That's right.
You probably have
some, uh, plans.
- Don't you?
- Yeah.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
I have...
No.
I have none.
Could I call you?
Would that be okay?
Yeah.
Merry Christmas, Jane.
- Yee-haaaw!
Well, you can't stop now.
We'll do it together.
You're syndicated
in over 300 newspapers.
Talk radio is having
a field day with it.
Clearly the world
is one giant used-cow lot.
- Look, I just want to think about it, okay?
- What's there to think about?
You don't want to be
a post-feminist icon?
Come on. Let's get something great to
wear for Julians New Year's Eve party.
I meant to tell you that...
I kind of made other plans.
I mean, it's nothing major.
It's not a big...
- Well...
- What are you talking about?
- Ray asked me out.
- Ray?
As in Ray Brown?
As in devil incarnate?
No! No, I forbid it!
L- I-I thought you
were over this.
I think I'm having
second thoughts.
Oh, so now... Dr. Charles
is having them too.
- Done yet?
- You got a hot date?
- No, I just have to pee.
- Be my guest.
- What's this, party Viagra?
- Huh?
No, it's nicotine gum.
- When did you quit?
- Oh, since Daphne told me she wanted to marry a smoker.
Here.
Thank you.
Why don't you put on a dress
and come out with me tonight?
Why, so I can
trail after your harem?
- I'm flying solo. I thought I'd keep my options open.
-
Yeah?
Although
that may be for me.
- Hello.
- You're home.
Does this mean you've
come to your senses?
No, and I only have
an hour to get ready.
So quit worrying about me.
Go out. Have a good time.
I'm going to wear that red lipstick
you gave, and I'll call you tomorrow.
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.
Why are you doing this
to yourself?
- Doing what?
- Ray.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Okay.
- Well, if you change your mind, this is where I'll be.
- Oh, thanks.
I think I'll...
jump into my pj's,
probably
watch a little TV...
- go to bed early...
- Happy New Year.
- Same to you!
Now, back to our special New
Year's Eve coverage with Hugh Downs.
To recap, it was
less than 48 hours ago...
that Ray Brown called
to confirm his plans...
to take Jane Goodale out
this evening,
a clear indication
that he was, indeed,
regretting his decision
to terminate their involvement.
So the question remains,
why hasn't he shown up yet?
By all accounts, it would appear
that Mr. Brown is sticking firmly...
to his September sanctions.
Nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four,
three, two, one!
Happy New Year!
Jane!
Whoo!
Ahh...
Ohh...
Jane!
Happy New Year!
- Jane?
- Don't even bother.
- L-I need to talk to you.
- Shh...
Excuse me. Why didn't you...
Why didn't you return my calls?
You mean the calls that came
after the call you didn't make?
L...
This is not true.
It's so true.
Will you stop
for just a moment?
- Hey, Jane.
- Listen, I know it was inexcus...
- Good morning!
- Hi, Jane. Ray.
- There's a reason I didn't showup that night.
- I'm sure there is.
And you know what?
I couldn't possibly care less.
So let's forget about it.
Okay!
I don't suppose you're
interested in hearing me out.
You know what, Ray?
The truth is...
Hi!
You did me a favor.
Any delusions I may have still
had about you, they're gone now.
It was a gift.
You released me.
- For the first time in months, I feel great.
-
- Staff meeting in my office in two minutes.
- Okay, be right there.
Uh, what's wrong?
Diane's wearing your shirt.
The shirt I bought you
on the sidewalk.
So, does that mean
that the, uh...
- the two of you are...
- Seeing each other again.
- Yes. That's what I've been trying to explain.
- Wait. Stop.
Did you say, "Again"?
I should have told you
a long time ago,
but Diane insisted
on keeping it quiet.
- We got back together right
before New Year's and... - Oh...
and we went away for a couple of days, and
it was terrible of me to not call, but I...
Ray, I've got
Tony Robbins on line three!
- Ohh! Go on.
- I'm really sorry, Jane.
Hey, what is it?
- "D... " She's "D."
- I'm not following.
Di... Di... "D."
Diane is "D."
Yes. "D" is for Diane.
"E" is for Eddie.
Ray's "D."
She's the one!
I mean, she was... She
is the one. I mean, she...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Just breathe. Breathe, Jane. Breathe.
Now, let me get this straight.
Ray and Diane are together?
- Back together. Together
again. - All right. I get it.
- Let it go. Ray and Diane?
- Yeah!
Okay. Shh...
It doesn't matter.
That chapter's over, remember?
It doesn't matter.
Now we got to go in there,
so pull it together.
Do you hear me?
Don't cry.
Don't cry, please. You're gonna be fine.
- Okay.
- We're gonna go in there.
- Good. You all right?
- Okay.
Jane, where are we
for next week?
Uh, we're-we're all set with
Gerard Depardieu. Right, Jane?
Oh, good.
New movie?
Am-Amazing.
Amazing.
I- I actually, uh...
I saw it. It's, uh...
about a man whose whole
marriage falls apart and...
I mean, it's brutal,
actually. I mean...
You know, they show
the whole love story first.
You see that this woman means...
everything to this-this man.
In fact, there's this-this...
this one scene...
where he actually sits
in just a... a dark... uhh...
It's very touching. He's sits
in a dark room, and he just...
You just start to see
the-the tears and stuff.
I mean, the man is completely, you
know, broken, and you feel it.
You really feel it, and it's
devastating. It's a devastating...
Is this a joke?
N- No.
What do you mean?
I mean...
I mean, is this a joke?
- No, I saw it two nights ago.
- What's so funny, Jane?
- Oh, can you believe this guy?
- I know, I...
So sensitive... So...
So devastated when it comes to
some chubby French guy, but, oh!
Stomp on somebody's heart in real life,
and where's his sorry-ass pity then, huh?
Nowhere! Why?
Because he doesn't get it!
He never gets it!
Someone please
explain it to me.
Because I don't know
what you are talking about!
- Evelyn, is she free?
- Yeah. She is.
Thanks.
I'm sorry, Diane. I... I don't
know where that came from.
Well, I do. I know
exactly where it came from.
You do?
Some guy crushed you
under his boot heel,
and you lashed out
at poor Ray as being...
representative of the prick
that did that to you.
- I'm right, aren't I?
- More or less.
Well, you can't do it, Jane.
- I don't care how much it hurts.
- I know.
No, you don't know.
Now, sit down and listen to me.
I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.
About six months ago,
my boyfriend tried to leave me.
Well, he did.
He left.
And I was devastated. I was
destroyed. Did you see it?
- No. I-I-I didn't. No.
- Right.
Do you know why?
Because if I fall apart,
everything around me
falls apart...
everything that I have worked
my entire life for.
- Do you love him?
- Wh-Who?
- Him. The guy.
- I don't know.
Of course you do. Now, have
you talked to him lately?
No. No. Not ex...
Not exactly talked.
Do it. Do it.
Talk to him.
I used to feel that if I
kept my heart to myself,
If I never let him know how much I needed
him, that he would never leave me.
Well, guess what?
He did.
And I lived in a private,
pathetic puddle...
until I couldn't
stand it anymore,
And so you know what I did?
I showed up at his doorstep...
with two corned beef sandwiches
on rye, lightly toasted,
and I told him that
I was lost without him.
You said that?
Pretty progressive, huh?
And I'm happy. Go figure.
I never thought
I'd be happy.
And you believe her?
This is true love?
This is what we all should be looking for?
That is the most tragic thing
I've ever heard.
We're talking about a woman whose boyfriend
was screwing you in order to get away from her.
And she's the authority
on romance?
The only reason she believes
that crap is because she has to.
She's an old cow.
Truth is all we need to do
is adjust our radar a bit.
You know, learn to be attracted to
men we're simply not attracted to.
Whoa. Hang on.
What are you talking about?
Well, for example, normally...
I might be attracted
to a guy like you.
But thanks to Dr. Charles, I've learned
to control my passion for testosterone,
and now I can proudly say...
that I no longer find you
in the least bit desirable.
Oh, gee.
That's swell.
I need a drink.
Does she have any
idea that she's completely insane?
No. She's right. Diane is an old
cow. He cannot go back to her.
Okay, that's it.
Jane, these are people,
not cows!
Hello.
I should have known
you would take his side.
This isn't about sides, Jane.
It's about dealing with reality.
- And you need to get a grip.
- Oh, that's rich...
coming from an emotional moron who's
whoring his way through Manhattan,
using women
like A.T.M. Machines.
Oh, that's great.
I get dumped, sleep around, and I'm a moron.
You, you get dumped
and become the disciple...
of some crone-slash-quack
behavioral scientist...
who can't tell the difference between
quadrupeds and bipeds, and you're normal.
- She is not a crone. And she is not a quack!
- How do you know?
Who gives a shit?
You know, while you were out there buying
these theories about the horrors of men...
And why guys like Ray won't ever come back,
deep down inside
you're hoping he would.
Men are evil. Men are scum. But please,
Ray, won't you make a liar out of me?
Well, you got
what you asked for, Jane.
He did go back. He just
did it with the wrong girl!
It's over! Over.
- Why can't you just let it go?
- Because.
- Because why?
- Because I can't.
- Why?
- Because I was happy.
Because if this...
theory is wrong,
men don't leave all women,
Eddie, they leave me.
I know what
it does to you. I know.
Maybe that's why
we hold on as hard as we do.
We just can't believe that such a
miracle can ever happen to us twice.
And...
But it can.
Someday you'll
find it again.
- I promise you.
- Look at me.
- A mess.
- I'm looking at you.
And you're beautiful.
Hey, you are beautiful.
You're intelligent... and real.
And Ray is not the last man
you're ever gonna love.
I promise you he's not.
Shh. Shh...
Oh, my God.
Oh...
Mmm...
Hmm...
Hi.
Hi.
Uh... listen.
- L...
- No, no, no.
No. No.
No, you're not going
to analyze this one, Jane.
- I'm not?
- No. No.
You're so hell-bent on making sure things fit,
you miss out on all the fun when they don't.
- Eh? Oh...
- Well, I...
No? Right now you're trying
to rationalize last night.
Yeah? Worrying about
what might have happened.
Me, I'm just getting a kick
out of the fact that I, uh,
spent an entire night
with you in my arms,
and I didn't even cop a feel.
Well...
maybe one.
- Whew!
- What?
Well, I'm relieved.
I mean,
for a second there, I...
I thought maybe you
thought last night was, um...
You know, or that you would...
think...
That would've really blown your
Dr. Charles out of the water, huh?
Temporarily maybe, but you would
have shown your spots eventually.
- My spots.
- Oh, come on, Eddie.
Men never fail to do
what's in their nature to do.
And what is that, Jane?
Disappoint you?
Abandon you?
Hmm?
What's really behind
these theories, huh?
What are you hiding?
Nothing.
Sorry. What you see
is what you get.
Is it?
You know, this is not about my
nature, Jane. This is about yours.
- Hello.
- Janey?
Listen, Stephen.
Can I call y'all back?
Your sister's in the hospital.
We lost the baby, kiddo.
Hey, Janey.
Did you see Stephen?
I saw him in the hallway...
- Getting water.
- Getting ice.
Good luck.
God love him.
They break so easily,
don't they?
Last weekend,
he woke up in a panic.
He said that he had to go
shopping for the baby.
You know how anal he is. I thought
he was gonna come back with...
thermometers and baby blankets
and safety gates.
When he walked in the door,
all he had was this little, tiny bag...
and inside was this...
this perfect little
baseball mitt.
He got it in his head that
it was going to be a boy.
Janey.
Okay, I've got ice.
I've got blankets.
I've got magazines.
Look at my wife.
Have you ever seen
anyone more beautiful?
You're nuts.
Diane, it's Jane.
I found Dr. Charles,
Okay, is everybody ready
to have a good time?
Now, come on.
You're going to have to do a lot better than that.
Okay, let me explain how everything
on the show's gonna work.
- It's a really informal show...
- Yo, Ray! Do we have her on the line yet?
Two minutes. The magazine's
putting her through.
- All right!
- Two minutes.
- Diane, two minutes.
- So, Diane's going to come out.
The first guest is going to come.
We have about a 15-minute segment.
Our first interview is gonna be
on the telephone, okay?
- Dr. Marie Charles.
I'm going to ask you one more time.
Are you 100% sure you want to do this?
I'm sure. I'm sorry
to put you in this position.
Don't worry about me.
I just want to make sure you haven't lost your mind.
- Maybe I have. -
Here she is, Ray.
- Dr. Charles.
Welcome. Rarely have I
had the honor to host...
such a distinguished
and extraordinary guest.
Today, Dr. Marie Charles
speaks out for the first time...
since the publication
of her searing article...
Network says we've already
had 20,000 hits on the web site.
- Holy cow.
The reclusive Dr. Charles...
has agreed to an exclusive,
live telephone interview.
And I consider it
a rare gift...
from someone whose work has meant
a tremendous amount in my life,
- as I'm sure yours.
- Dr. Marie Charles
Hello, Dr. Charles.
Are you there?
Hello, Dr. Charles.
Can you hear me?
- I'm getting nothing.
- Where the hell is she? Where's the feed?
- Excuse me.
We seem to be having
some technical difficulties.
If you'll just bear with us,
I'm sure we'll get it repaired.
Tell them to patch it through
on the other line.
- We can't. We only have one dedicated line.
- Shit!
Okay, take us to commercial.
Uh, she's here.
She wants to go on.
Ho-Hold that.
Hold that. Hold that.
- She's here.
- Well, ladies and gentlemen,
it seems that the reason we've
been unable to get through...
to Dr. Charles
telephonically...
is because at this moment
she is right here in our studio,
having decided to do
the interview in person after all.
- Holy shit.
- So let's not waste any more time.
Join me in welcoming
Dr. Marie Charles!
- Makeup?
- Stop. Stop.
Show yourself, Dr. Charles.
Wake up!
Jane, what's going on?
Where's Dr. Charles?
- There is no Dr. Charles.
There never was.
- I invented her, Diane.
- You...
- I invented her because...
I had something to say,
and... somehow...
I thought if... if-if-if it were
coming from a 65-year-old Ph. D.,
that you would
see it the way I had...
as a truth, as a legitimate,
scientific truth.
But it isn't.
It's completely ridiculous.
And...
I lied to you all,
and I lied to myself.
Because
the real truth is that...
Because
the real truth is that...
I was heartbroken...
and lost.
You know, and I just wanted
to understand it somehow.
I wanted it to be...
about them.
So everything I thought I had figured
out was completely upside-down.
I thought this bull had gone on
to another new cow,
when, in fact, she was an old cow
who had become a new cow again.
I mean, what was
I talking about?
I was comparing
men to animals,
- which... okay, let's face it... sometimes they are.
-
But sometimes they are not.
Sometimes
you open the barn door,
or the hospital room door...
or the bedroom door and...
you find the real thing.
You find a guy who...
can sit with you when you
are at your absolute worst,
when you are knee-deep in Kleenex, and
your face looks like a punching bag,
and you are a complete
and total mess.
And he...
can still look at you
and tell you...
that Ray is not the last man
you're ever going to love.
- Eddie! Oh, my God.
Hey, are you all right?
All right.
There you go. Late edition.
Eddie!
- Oh, Eddie!
- Eddie! Eddie!
Stop. Stop.
Whew.
So, what you see
is what you get, huh?
Minus a few gray hairs
and a Ph. D., yeah.
I'm really sorry, Eddie.
You should have told me.
I should have told you
a lot of things.
You were right.
It was about my nature.
Out of all the things
you said to me that night,
what scared me
the most is...
that I would find it again.
Because I have.
Would you please
say something?
No.
So you're saying?
What do we got to lose?
- Everything?
- Exactly.
Joined by : Cgha
had asked me not long ago...
why I thought it was that men
left women and never came back,
I would have said this:
"New cow. "
The new cow theory
was born of a broken heart.
It came to me while reading
an article on male behavior...
in the New York Times
science section,
which chronicled a particularly
fascinating study...
on the mating preferences
of the male cow.
- First, a bull was presented with...
A cow.
They mated.
The next day, the bull was
presented with the same cow.
The bull wasn't interested.
He wanted new cow,
and this was old cow.
Curious to see if
they could trick the bull,
the scientists came up
with an ingenious ploy.
- Do not disappoint Daddy.
- The old cow was smeared with new cow scent...
- Doesn't that feel good?
- But he was no fool.
This wasn't new cow.
This was just old cow
incognito.
Old cow in sheep's clothing.
- Mutton dressed as lamb.
But I'm getting
ahead of myself.
To really understand the theory and
how it took over my entire existence,
you need to hear
the whole story.
When Ray came into my life,
I was booking talent
for the Diane Roberts Show,
a local New York talk show that
had just been syndicated nationally.
The network had given us
a small window of opportunity...
in which to make something
of ourselves.
We're back with
Mary Lou Corkle,
outspoken
conservative activist,
who's here to talk about
her new book The Nest Crisis.
One of your central arguments,
Mary Lou,
is to blame society's problems
on working mothers.
Diane was determined to
strike pay dirt with her audience...
by appealing to both their
understimulated intelligence...
and their overstimulated appetite
for tabloid television.
Ambition has blinded
these women...
- to their responsibilities to their families.
- And so, by your standards,
doing what I do makes me
unfit for motherhood.
Well, we make
our own beds, don't we?
That is true.
Just out of curiosity, Mary Lou,
who's been
making your kids' beds...
while you've been out selling
your book these past three months?
My job was to supply
a steady diet of raw meat...
to satisfy Diane's
Emmy-clad ambitions.
Hi, Donald. Did you hear?
We've gone national.
Thanks.
Well, it's a new format.
We're just starting up
major exposure,
and I think it's
right up Hillary's alley.
Oh, she'd be among the first. I'm lining up
great company. Trust me, everyone wants on.
My only colleague in this quest...
was our writer, producer and
pathological womanizer Eddie Alden.
How are we doin'?
Publisher's having a coronary.
- That good, huh?
- You book 'em, I cook 'em.
Right on. Yeah.
Thank you very much. We are
here talking to Mary Lou Corkle.
Any progress with Cuba?
Well, just keep trying.
I swear to God.
This Castro thing is gonna kill me.
I mean, it is insane.
- She will not let it go.
- Forget Castro. Come on.
- I mean, what you want is a more creative angle.
- Such as?
- Elena Villagolla.
- Who?
One of the women the C.I.A. Hired to
try and kill him back in the sixties.
Excuse me. I believe this is
a smoke-free building.
Blow me. Apparently, the C.I.A. Cooked up
this death oil that could pass as perfume.
The idea was she'd rub it on, Castro
would be kissin' her and lickin' her...
- Don't editorialize.
- Sorry. He was supposed to croak right after.
Eddie could find the sex
factor in just about any subject.
He, of course,
considered this a gift.
- Nina, you left these earrings in my bathroom.
- You don't waste any time.
- Cynic.
- Slut.
But if Eddie was enough
to make me lose hope in all men,
it only took one
to bring it back again.
- Hey, Rick.
- How you doin', Eddie?
You are the only one I
haven't met yet. I'm Ray Brown.
- This is our new executive
producer. - Oh, from Washington.
I saw that piece you produced
for Newsline. That was brilliant.
Wow.
Thank you very much.
We just did a follow-up piece. That's
why I'm a little late getting up here.
- Oh.
- Well, I better scoot.
Jane, you want me to get 'em to turn the
A.C. Up? You're looking a little flushed.
Okay.
- Jane Goodale.
- I know. That's an interesting name.
- People must confuse you with the scientist.
- Yeah.
- They're always asking me if I'm into chimps.
- Are you?
Not really. I mean, maybe
Curious George when I was five.
Ah. Curious George
was a monkey, not a chimp.
- A man who knows his primates.
- Yes, I do.
See you around. Oh, I heard Len Chaney's
people are giving you a hard time.
Yeah, they're afraid it's gonna turn
into an abortion debate and get ugly.
Which is, uh, right.
- Of course. - So
guarantee Diane won't bring it up,
and we'll plant somebody in the
audience to initiate it during Q&A.
I think you came to the
right show, Ray Brown.
So he'scute.
- Very.
Mm-hmm.
Care to elaborate?
Pale blue eyes, athletic, sort
of, um, J. Crew, but not as preppy.
- Oh, that guy again.
- Are you going to buy anything or not?
- Sh-Shush! I'm
concentrating! - Okay.
- Marital status?
- Girlfriend.
Why are we having
this conversation?
You know what? You're
right. He's too much work.
And even if I were up to it,
with my luck,
he'd probably end up
marrying her anyway.
Wow. There's the cynical bitch
I know and love.
So that's it. Case closed.
Leaving this one alone.
You feeling carnivorous?
Absolutely.
So what else do I need
to know about you,
apart from your addiction
to processed foods,
much to the chagrin
of your girlfriend?
"D."
- Whom you've been dating now for...
- Three years.
Three...
Excuse me. Three years.
Wow. That's, um...
Huh.
More serious than I...
would've guessed,
you know, off the cuff.
I guess it is.
You think you ever get to the moment
where you just know it's the right one?
That's it.
That's the person you're
meant to be with forever.
Probably.
God, he was cute.
- It's me!
- We're in here.
What's the problem?
Just jab it in.
- Don't rush me.
- What is going on?
Dr. Lipshick started your sister
on injections.
- Of orange juice?
- Fertility drugs, Jane.
The orange is for practice.
For God's sake, Stephen, if you
can't stick it into a Valencia,
- How are you gonna stick it in my ass?
- I'm just a little nervous.
If this isn't done right,
we could lose another whole month.
Oh!
That was supposed
to be my job.
I just wanted to show you
how easy it is.
You know, this is
a very emotional time for us,
and you're sucking the romance
out of the entire situation.
Oh, come on, sweetheart. I think we've
pretty much kissed romance good-bye...
when you started jacking off
into a cup once a week.
Leave my sperm count
out of it!
Chubby Hubby?
Come on, sweetie. I'll look at the
dirty magazines with you this time.
I don't think you should...
Enough about it!
That's great. Just great.
Very nice, Nina.
Very grown up.
At least one of us is.
Good morning.
Don't bother, Eddie.
I already know you're an asshole.
Hey, you're always complaining
your apartment's too small.
Why don't you
move in with me?
- You cannot be serious.
- Why not?
Come on. All I'm meeting
are hip, successful types.
- I'd much rather have someone like you.
- Gee, thanks.
No, hey. This would be
a strictly financial arrangement.
I've got no interest in you
that way whatsoever.
- What a relief.
- Come on. Is that a no?
Actually, it's a "Thanks, but not
if my life depended on it. "
- Hello.
- You up for a walk?
- What?
- What?
I was just gonna...
I can't speak.
You say something.
No, no, no, don't.
Do you think I'm insane?
Not at all.
I was just thinking how good
my apartment looks with you in it.
Let's start again.
You were eating Cocoa Puffs.
- Right.
- Then a couple cartoons.
- A Tweety Bird and a Road Runner, I think.
- Then some more kissing.
- Right.
- Okay, go on.
We had to get ready for work, so I
walk into the door, and he gave me a...
- Morning, Jane.
- Morning, Les. How are ya?
- Big finale-type kiss
before leaving? - Exactly.
That's good, good, good.
Very good, considering.
- Considering what?
- Considering he's already picked out his wife.
I told you, Liz,
they're having problems.
- They're not engaged.
- Yet.
Nevertheless, he does sound like an
interesting prospect, so here's what you do.
Pretend she doesn't exist.
Never mention her name.
If he mentions her, you just
nod politely, change the subject.
- Why?
- Because if you bring her up,
he's gonna feel
pushed and resentful.
This way, it's like,
"I'm healthy, I'm happy.
No pressure.
Getting sex other places. "
- It's gonna drive him nuts.
- Lizzy, where do you get this stuff?
Snagmen. Com.
It's very informative.
- Odd.
- Read the papers, Jane.
are lying about their age,
so excuse me, Miss "I have a
crush, so I'm currently in denial. "
You gotta get on your game.
You know what I really need to
know? What do I do right now...
when I see him in my staff
meeting in five minutes?
That's easy.
Pretend he doesn't exist.
Well, good morning, Eddie.
- What is on your neck?
- I bit myself shaving.
Isn't that why God
invented turtlenecks?
- No. That's why God invented Darlene.
- You are so gross.
- Hey, Eddie. Hi, Jane.
- Hey, Ray.
Hey, Ray. Mornin'.
You okay?
You look a little tired.
Morning, Diane.
Straw. Mmm.
- Okay. I'm late, I know. I'm sorry.
- Morning.
I locked myself out of the apartment.
Keys, wallet, total nightmare.
The only reason
I'm standing here right now...
is because of Habib, the nicest
cab driver in the city of New York.
Okay, now, who saw
ABC's 4 a. m. Newscast?
I think a lot of us
missed that, Diane.
There's a big story on how single
media outlets aren't cutting it anymore.
Ray, where are we
on interactive?
- The web site should be up and running on Monday.
- No, not should be.
Will be!
We cannot sell this show...
on the pissant advertising budget
they've given us.
We need to be
streaming 24-7,
and we need to make
every show count.
- Remember, it is all
about the get. - The get.
We cannot make a splash
if we only get...
the gets that everybody's
already gotten.
- I need the ungettable get, got it?
- Got it.
Good.
Okay, where are we
on Fidel?
Uh, well,
I spoke with Juanita,
his, um,
foreign press secretary,
who assured me
that the moment...
el presidente was back
from his fantasy baseball camp...
she would
approach him about it.
And what did she say?
He might be interested?
Did she discuss
his availability?
Tell me, do you think
we have a shot here?
- Jane?
- Sorry.
I said what do you think your
chances are of getting this guy?
I think they're good, Diane.
I think they're very good.
Uh, j-just a minute.
Sorry.
I thought I'd just, um,
do a few sit-ups.
Joy: The emotion evoked by the
prospect of possessing what one desires.
Rapture: The experience
of being carried away...
by an overwhelming
emotion or passion.
Ecstasy: A state of being
beyond reason and self-control.
I cannot feel my legs.
- Tell me again what we're doing here, please.
- We're coming up for air.
- Oh, right.
- Besides, I owe you a shirt.
Hey, that's a good idea.
- Blue?
- Yeah.
This one's pretty.
- You think?
- With your eyes.
Could be risky, given your
impatience with buttons.
Well...
- I love it. We'll take this one.
- My treat.
- No, no, no. No, Jane.
- Shut up.
- Let me buy you a shirt.
- Thank you.
- Hey, guys.
- Eddie, hey!
Wow. We were...
I mean, I just, uh...
- She's helping me pick out a shirt.
- Yeah.
- Well, I didn't mean to intrude.
- Not at all. You're not.
- Not at all. Please!
- No.
Listen,
I gotta go to a thing.
- I gotta hit this... Great running into you.
- Okay.
- Both of you. My God! I can't even...
- See you around.
- All right. -
Okay. - Yeah.
What a coincidence. First I run
into Ray, and then we run into you.
I didn't even know he lived
around here, and then, boom!
All of a sudden, there he is.
Um, so, uh...
Wha... Okay, so I am
sleeping with him.
Eddie, if you tell anyone at
the office, so help me, God...
What are you thinking?
I'm... I'm thinking
the same thing you are, Jane,
that you and Ray are gonna
live happily ever after...
with matching Volvos
and chocolate labs.
See you Monday.
Did you have
any friends growing up?
Better hurry. I think he's
waiting down the street.
I love you, Jane.
I love you too.
He just came right out and said it,
after only six weeks.
Oh, my God. Takes most guys
like a year to use the "L" word.
When they finally do,
they're usually, you know,
on top of you,
so it doesn't really count.
- What about the "D" woman?
- He's telling her tomorrow night.
- Why didn't he tell her already?
- He's in a complicated situation.
Anyhow, if he were
having second thoughts,
I hardly think he would've
asked me to live with him.
He asked you to live with him?
Oh, my God.
He asked you to live with him?
Oh, my God.
- What did you say?
- I must've said yes or something to that effect...
because he started calling realtors,
and I gave my landlord notice.
Ohh! Mazel tov!
Oh, I can't believe this!
You're getting asked
to play house by some guy,
and I'm still on
the blind date circuit from hell.
I take it last night
did not go very well.
Awful. Do me a favor. Next
time Julian offers to set me up...
with one of his straight friends,
shoot me before I say yes.
I'm in a sad state.
And I'm telling you,
it's just screaming potential.
H- Hello?
- I didn't mean to intrude.
- No, we're fine.
Didn't you want to seethe patio?
Come on out.
Isn't it just wonderful?
Wait'll you see the view.
It's just spectacular.
Right this way.
Right down
to the World Trade Center.
It's such a jewel box.
I guess I'll leave you two alone
to talk things over.
- Oh, my God. It's unbelievable.
- I love it! I love it!
It's amazing. The light
is so good! I love you.
I don't know.
Liz, I gotta go.
Oh, my God. He looks like
he's been hit by a bus.
I'll call you back.
I feel like I've been
hit by a bus.
You told her?
Was it bad?
Not like I thought.
I mean, she, uh... She didn't go
hysterical or anything like that.
She just, uh,
was kinda,
you know, eerily calm
about the whole thing.
- Well, that's good, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
I just meant,
you know,
it wasn't what I expected
is all, you know?
- What'd she say about us?
- She just, she just...
I
- I didn't tell her. Jane, I just didn't think it was necessary.
I mean, to hit her
over the head with this thing...
after three years,
it just seemed so, so awful.
I just told her
that it was over.
You know? And I think
that's all she needs to know.
- Right?
- S-Sure.
- And she was okay with that?
- Yeah. I mean, I guess.
I don't know. It was so...
It was just weird.
I mean, she just kinda...
Whoooh.
You know, she just
kinda went cold on me.
I mean,
sh-sh-she's upset.
She's upset,
the poor thing.
She's gotta be upset.
She's... You know.
She just didn't seem
terribly upset, so...
- Well, you're okay with it, right?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- I mean, you're happy.
- Happy?
I am so happy.
I mean, this is what I wanted.
I mean, there's nothing
between us anymore, you know,
and that's... that's what I
was looking for, so I'm happy.
How exactly did Ray disappear?
Slowly and kind of subtly.
Single pane,
double pane?
Single pane, I believe.
- Singles.
A lot more sun, I guess,
than I had recalled.
This doesn't open? Oh!
Well, gotta force it. Oops.
Well, maybe it wasn't so subtle.
Hi, babe.
It's me again.
Listen, the realtor called,
and she said that we have
to sign the lease by Monday.
I know you wanted your lawyer to have
a look at the contract and everything,
but my apartment's been re-rented,
and I have got to be out of here...
He is not sleeping with somebody else.
What are you talking about?
First of all,
Ray really isn't like that.
And second of all, the poor guy
wouldn't have time.
He's been working until 3:00 in
the morning every night for 2 weeks.
Okay, A: There's no such thing as a guy
who doesn't have time to mess around.
They always have time for that. And
If he ain't sleeping with you,
he ain't sleepin' alone.
Right?
Listen, you gotta talk to him.
It's better than not knowing.
Sorry.
This patch is worth shit.
Throughout the animal
kingdom, prey species have developed...
a wide variety
of escape behaviors.
Freezing is a common response
to predator alarm.
Sensing danger, many animals will
assume a rigid, statue-like position.
Fleeing is another
popular method.
Some species will simply
try to outrun their captors,
while others take
an erratic zigzag course...
in the hopes that sudden direction
shifts will eventually tire the predator,
causing her
to give up the chase.
Smell the bacon, Jane?
I'm wondering
what's happening here. I mean,
we haven't been alone
together in a week.
We lost that great apartment...
because your lawyer supposedly
didn't get his act together,
which is okay,
I understand.
But as of Saturday,
I don't have a place to live.
Ray, what the hell's going on?
I don't think I can do this.
Do what?
This. Us.
What?
Why?
- I don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know?
There has to be a reason.
Just tell me what it is.
Jane, I'm sorry. L-I...
You deserve an answer,
and I don't think
I can explain it to you.
I thought we...
felt the same way:
Incredibly lucky to have...
- found th-the thing.
- I do.
And here you go.
- I did.
I...
I just think that we both
need to take a step back.
I mean we're talking about
a very serious move here.
L- I just wanted...
I still...
I don't even know
what I'm trying to say.
I feel like... such a jerk,
you know, believing
that this was, uh...
Listen to me.
I love you.
I... want us to be
important to each other.
Please don't do that.
Please go.
There are few things
sadder in this life...
than watching someone walk
away after they've left you,
watching the distance
between your bodies expand...
until there's nothing
but empty space...
and silence.
Remember,
time wounds all heels.
Eddie Alden.
Yeah, sure. Hold on.
Hi.
Are you all right?
Why?
Don't I look all right?
- You look like you hate my guts.
- I do hate your guts.
That's nice.
I don't blame you,
you know.
For what it's worth, this
hasn't been easy for me either.
Oh, yeah, you look
really... destroyed.
- Hey.
- Hey, Eddie.
Eddie, did you by any chance
ever find a roommate?
Well, no, actually.
Because the place I was supposed to
move into just suddenly fell apart...
and my apartment's
been re-rented...
and I was wondering
if the offer's still good.
- Y-You're moving in with Eddie?
- Maybe.
- What's the apartment like?
- Uh...
Just a two-bedroom loft, big
kitchen, lots of windows, living room.
Sounds amazing.
When can I see it?
- You're moving in with Eddie.
- How about tonight?
Perfect.
Everything is just perfect.
Hey.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- Here it is.
- It's huge.
Yup. Kitchen, living room,
whatever.
Uh, my bedroom, bathroom.
This would be your room.
What happened here?
Yeah, I got the urge to renovate
one night, but don't worry.
I'd have it fixed
by the time you moved in.
- You want a drink?
- Sure. Some water.
We don't have to share
a bathroom, do we?
Oh, no, I never,
ever use the bathroom.
So how'd you find
this place?
My ex-girlfriend worked
in an emergency room.
Whenever someone croaked, she'd check out
their address, see if it was rent control.
Eventually, we got lucky.
You lived with somebody?
- Yeah.
- For how long?
For... a while.
- So what do you think?
- I think I must be out of my mind.
- Hey!
- Thank you!
Shit.
Morphine for the pain.
Hey.
It was right after
she moved out.
I just took an ax
and started hacking away at it.
So I thought
opening up that wall...
might make it easier
to breathe or something.
I don't smoke.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You okay?
Oh, yeah.
What was her name?
Rebecca.
Put your shoes on.
We're going downstairs.
- What's downstairs?
- You'll see.
It's like there are two realities.
First, we're in love,
and it's incredible, it's perfect.
And then poof!
"Sorry, Jane.
Doesn't work for me
anymore. "
- How is that possible?
- Easy. You were living in a fantasy.
Romance, true love,
soul mates,
it's all bullshit.
None of it exists.
Trust me.
I speak from experience.
Man, she really did a
number on you, didn't she?
Well, don't shit
on my broken heart...
just because you converted to some
warped brand of romantic atheism.
Oh, man! Whoo!
It's called
self-preservation.
Oh, in other words, you narcotize
yourself with casual sex.
No, no, no. See, that implies
I'm avoiding reality...
when, in fact, I embrace it.
Don't underestimate
casual sex, Jane.
- It's very liberating.
- I'll bet.
I almost feel sorry for her.
What for?
I make no pretenses, okay?
Now, if she wants to put me up
on a white horse,
that's her choice.
We're all
grownups here, Jane.
I lay awake that
night wondering which was worse:
Guys like Ray who blinded you
with charms and promises,
or the Eddies of the world
who went right for your pants.
Oh. Excuse me.
And in the end,
it didn't matter.
The truth was, they were all
cast from the same mold.
- But the question remained.
-
Why?
And then
one day by the river,
I found my answer.
Holy shit!
I told them dumb asses
it'd never work.
You can't fool a bull, mister.
No, sir.
He knows where he's been,
and he ain't goin' back.
Hell, I got...
I got 93 cows.
Only one of 'em got nads.
Why? 'Cause that one son of a bitch
alone can knock up an entire herd.
But once he's done,
well, the party's over.
I gotta go over to Ed
Hickey's place down the road...
and trade him for a new one...
'cause there ain't
a chance in hell...
he's ever gonna touch
any of them cows again, no, sir.
- I figured it out. I'm the old cow.
- I don't get it.
Remember a couple weeks ago when we were
laughing at that graffiti on the subway?
- " Baby, I love the toilet you sit on"?
- No.
"I'm tired of banging
the same woman every night. "
We thought there might
actually be something to that,
- like it could be a window into their dark...
- Schizophrenic behavior.
Well, it is.
The new cow theory...
and "I'm tired of banging
the same woman every night,"
same thing.
This is why
men can't commit.
Sooner or later,
we all become old cows.
We're identified
as already serviced,
so they wanna move on
and find less familiar females.
- The whole novelty thing, you mean.
- Neophilia, to be precise.
- What do you think?
- What do I think? I think...
it's always about you,
that's what I think.
You fall for some guy, and it's like
men are worthy of heroic worship.
You get dumped and suddenly they're
shit-sucking, commitment-phobic assholes.
I'm sorry, Jane. The entire
universe does not revolve around...
your romantic status.
You're in love.
I'm almost in love.
Oh, honey,
why didn't you tell me?
You're having a spectacular
mope. I didn't wanna ruin it.
- Oh, my God!
- We met at a work party a couple of weeks ago and...
Just incredible.
I mean, he's so...
And I'm so...
Although I appreciated
Liz's intoxication...
over her seeming good fortune,
I refused to be derailed.
Now armed with
my new cow theory,
I became voracious
for information.
What are you doing?
Nothin'.
- Hey! Eddie!
- Whoa! What's this?
"Amygdala,
AKA erotic nose brain.
- Give it back!
- "An organ located in the nasal cavity,
"which connects smells
to memories.
"Banana slugs,
actually hermaphrodites...
While mating, the males
chew each other's penises off. "
I worry about you, Jane.
I really do.
Despite my conviction,
there was
the occasional setback.
I want my erotic
nose brain removed.
I beg your pardon?
My amygdala, the organ
deep inside the nasal cavity,
which processes scent,
which then connects to memory.
I'd like it extracted.
But why would you want to
voluntarily make yourself anosmatic?
Well, let me see
if I can explain this.
Um, I had this
boyfriend, okay?
And he smelled really,
really good, like soap...
and fresh laundry
and vanilla.
And every time I smell
any of those smells,
I'm reminded of my boyfriend
and how happy we were...
before he dumped me
for no good reason.
And I get very sad,
and then I get angry.
And then before I know it, I am in the
throes of an all-out emotional breakdown.
And so I was
just thinking, Dr. Glen,
if I can just short-circuit
my nose somehow,
I might actually have a chance of
living a semi-normal life someday.
Hey, wait!
Couldn't sleep?
- No.
- Me neither.
Does that happen to you a lot?
Yeah.
Me too.
Mmm.
- Just like eating worms.
- Yeah.
Talent. Mmm.
These are good.
Here.
Head back.
- Yeah?
- Good.
Good.
Cold dumplings.
My favorite.
Way to go, Tomcat.
Two points.
Tomcat?
Cheerleader.
A what?
I was a cheerleader.
- You were a cheerleader?
- Yes, I was.
Paul G. Blazer Memorial High. Pride and
joy of Cincinnati, Ohio, state champs, 1989.
- Go, Cats.
- Go, Cats.
Well, show me.
- No. No!
- Come on! Why not?
I just haven't done it
in ten years, Eddie. Come on.
- You come on. Show me.
- You have to do something that merits a cheer.
Like, uh, like, like...
Like three dumplings,
left-handed, in a row.
- You can't do that.
- Deal?
Deal.
One, two, three.
Like that?
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
- You promise not to laugh?
- No. Come on.
- What are those?
- Pom-poms.
Okay.
I hate you.
It's okay.
Ready? Okay!
The Tomcats are here...
to show...
Whoa.
Ready? Okay!
The Tomcats are here...
to show who's top.
You think can beat us...
but we can't be stopped!
Go, Tomcats!
- Whoo! First and ten and...
- Eddie?
Oh. Oh, sh... Um...
Oh, hey, hey.
- Um...
- Hi. I'm, uh, Jane.
Roommate.
- Isabel.
- Isabel, Jane.
- You can clean up. It's your turn.
- Okay. Okay.
Good night.
We're a little noisy.
Hi, George. It's Jane.
God, I'm such an idiot.
I mean, I sensed things were a little
off when he got back from L.A.,
but I just thought that he was
just jet-lagged or something.
Then he tells me the France thing
isn't such a good idea...
because he's gonna have
to work the whole time anyway,
so still, I figure,
"Okay, that's no big deal. "
So Friday he gets on a plane,
he goes over there alone.
Right? Wrong.
An hour ago, I call his
hotel room to say good night.
Guess who answered the phone
Penelope Pope.
- Who's Penelope Pope?
- I have no idea,
but that's what she said when I said,
"Who the fuck is this?"
- Oh, God. I don't get it!
- Liz, I'm sorry.
I mean, why feed me all that romantic
crap if he's just gonna cheat on me?
- Two words: Copulatory imperative.
- Excuse me?
It's the biological urge
to spread their seed.
The truth is, less than five percent
of all male animals are monogamous.
The other 95% are...
Plucking Penelope Pope?
Hi, Jane.
I, uh, stopped by H&H
on the way in,
picked up
a sesame seed bagel...
lightly toasted,
just like you liked.
Okay.
Ray has a cold. I'm hoping
it will turn into pneumonia...
and that weeks of bed rest will
cause abdominal muscles to atrophy.
Ben wants to add a column
to the magazine for women.
It finally hit him that
The idea is for it
to be about men.
You know, how they're
so paranoid...
- about going bald and that kind of thing.
- So...
Forget baldness.
The real issue is their behavior.
You know, that stuff like
that copulatory impulse...
Imperative. Hey, Bobby, can
I get some more hot water?
The point is, I think
you should write it.
Are you crazy?
- Well, why not?
I'm not a writer. B: I'm not a psychologist.
We don't need
a psychologist.
We need someone who's been
in the trenches, baby.
Liz, I don't know
what I'm talking about.
All I have are a bunch of notebooks
filled with ridiculous little factoids.
I mean, this is not a
full-time job. This is a hobby.
A sick, twisted,
pathetic little hobby.
You get paid to write about something
you're already obsessed with.
If you want anonymity,
we'll give you a pen name.
I personally think
it'd be cathartic for you,
and you'd be doing your dear,
sweet, wonderful friend a huge favor.
Pen name, huh?
I'm doing this once.
Do you hear me? One time.
- Fine. I'm telling you, it's gonna be fun.
- Fun?
I'm helping concoct the background
of a nonexistent scientist...
who's about to publish her delusional
theories in the nation's top men's magazine.
You're right. Ha!
This is fun.
Okay, try this. Um...
Born in Sussex, 1937.
Cofounder of the Institute of
Pathological Narcissism in Vienna.
- Who is she? - The recently
deceased Harriet Gould of Astoria.
No surviving relatives.
She's perfect.
- She even has a bun.
- That's her.
Dr. Marie Charles.
Oh, my God.
Every bull
begins a relationship...
with certain cards
up his sleeve... aces.
Tools of seduction
by which he lures a new cow.
One of the most
notorious examples...
is the current cow
sob story.
Allow me to deconstruct
the essential elements.
You're so easy to talk to,
not like my current cow.
This is key to understanding
the myth of male shyness,
for though you think
he is flattering you,
he is actually
flattering himself,
showing how open
and sensitive and honest he is.
I just try so hard and...
Well, I'm sure she doesn't
mean to be such a cold cow.
Just in case you're starting to think he's
a coldhearted, home-wrecking womanizer,
he'll throw this in just to prove
he's putting his current cow...
out to pasture for good reason,
and that he's actually tormented with
guilt at the thought of abandoning her.
What's that thing they always say
about the love of a good woman?
That, once offered,
it's guaranteed to come back...
and bite her in the ass.
- Enter case in point.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Thought you were with what's her name.
- Didn't work out.
- You have a little saddle sore on that white horse of yours?
- Okay, so what happened?
- Just lost interest.
What do you mean,
you lost interest?
How exactly?
Christ, Jane, do we really have
to have another postmortem?
I'm just curious is all.
So you went to a movie,
then back to her place?
Then what?
So we're in the kitchen
getting a drink,
and suddenly, she starts
looking for food.
We had dinner right after the
movie, but... I don't know.
She was still hungry.
She's always hungry, it seems.
And that's bad,
Women who eat?
Okay, so you're in the kitchen,
she's hungry again, inexplicably,
then what?
So she takes out a pint
of Haagen-Dazs... a pint...
and just starts eating it
right out of the container,
and there was just something
about it that turned me off.
Was the refrigerator door open?
- Why? - Answer the
question. Open or closed?
It was open, I think.
Would it have made a
difference if it were shut?
Would that have made the act of a
nonfat woman eating ice cream...
a little less revolting to you?
What if she'd not had dinner?
What if she were legitimately hungry...
before she shoved her face
into a trough of Haagen-Dazs?
Would it have repulsed you less
if she used a dish?
- Good night, you psycho!
- Good night, neophiliac!
- Are you sitting down?
Oprah read the article
on her show today.
The audience went so crazy for it,
she called us personally,
begging for Dr. Charles
to appear as her guest.
- What?
- I told everyone in P.R. A different story.
She's vacationing in Hong Kong.
She's at a conference in Tangiers.
- Oh, this is bad.
- No, no, no. This is all good.
Okay? Trust me.
I've got it all under control.
This won't come
anywhere near you.
"And so, while the male
may often seem shy...
"with all his Uriah Heep hand-wringin'
and 'aw, shucks' toe-kickin',
"he's actually a narcissist...
"because this apparent shyness belies
the more deeply rooted feelings...
"of unworthiness
and fear of rejection.
"And this is what compels him
to constantly seek attention...
from new cow after new cow
ad nauseam, ad infinitum. "
This is such great stuff.
It obliterates any sentimentality
we might have...
about what
noble creatures men are.
This right here is what we've been
looking for. It's-It's provocative.
It's clever. It's got mass
appeal written all over it.
There's just one problem. Nobody
can seem to find this woman.
The Today Show's tried.
Oprah's tried.
- Yeah, and have you tried?
- Eddie?
- Uh, well, no.
- Well, get on it!
Do you realize what
we're talking about here?
- The ungettable get?
- Yes!
I don't care what it takes.
You find that Dr. Marie Charles...
and bring her here
to my studio.
Let me get this straight. Your best
friend works at M magazine...
and she has no idea
where this cow doctor is?
That's what she said.
I don't buy that.
Why are you holding out on me?
I'm not!
I told you she's working on it!
- Just give me her number.
- I'm not gonna give you her number.
- Why not?
- She's working on it!
- Besides, you'd never reach her. She's at Jivamukti.
- Huh?
- Yoga.
- Yoga what?
- Jivamukti.
- Jiv...
- Manhattan. Jivamukti.
- Eddie!
It's a yoga place.
Eddie, don't be a jerk!
Eddie, come on!
- This is so ridiculous.
- Ohhh!
Hey, hey, you have
to leave your shoes in here.
Liz?
Excuse me.
Jerk, she is my best friend.
I would certainly know if...
- Jane?
Stay!
- Bring your leg up higher.
- Excuse me, sir, you're gonna have to leave.
Gee. Sorry. I know.
I'm just looking for a friend.
Oh.
- Sorry. You okay?
- Eddie.
How you doin', Becca?
I'm good.
What are you
doing here?
I, uh... I-I don't know.
Come, class. Let's forget
about this disturbance.
It's okay. Everyone,
let's come on up.
Get back to your spaces
and let's prepare for lion pose.
Hey, inhale. Exhale.
Open your mouth.
Stick out your tongue.
That was Rebecca?
Eddie, talk to me.
There's nothing
to talk about.
- Hi, Liz.
- I cannot believe it.
- Hey, Janey!
- Hi! Hi, guys!
Eddie, this is my sister Alice
and my brother-in-law Stephen.
- You're... Eddie.
- Yeah. Hey.
- Are you two taking yoga class together?
- No.
- We were just... I... It-It's stupid.
- No, no, it's not stupid.
- We don't think it's stupid.
- No. We just started the pregnancy class.
- Oh, yeah. Congratulations.
- Thanks. She's a great breather.
- Listen, I gotta go.
- Hey, it was really nice to meet
you, Eddie. - Bye-bye.
Eddie preferred
to leave things unsaid...
and went back to grazing
in greener pastures.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Merry Christmas.
- I'm getting out of here.
- Okay.
- Uh, two champagnes, please.
- Yes, sir.
Shouldn't that be a champagne
and a Shirley Temple?
- Sorry.
- No, you're not.
- So where'd you meet her?
- She's Emily's roommate.
Emily that I made
coffee for last Sunday?
Uh-huh.
Isn't that complicated?
It's never complicated, Jane.
Thank you.
Evening, sir.
What can I get you?
- Scotch, please.
- Yes, sir.
Did you hear Diane's
joke about the reindeer?
Funny!
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
I miss you, Jane.
Am I... Am I supposed
to walk away now?
No.
Can we get away from this?
Can we do something?
Get together for lunch,
dinner, Friday night.
Friday is New Year's Eve.
Oh, that's right.
That's right.
You probably have
some, uh, plans.
- Don't you?
- Yeah.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
I have...
No.
I have none.
Could I call you?
Would that be okay?
Yeah.
Merry Christmas, Jane.
- Yee-haaaw!
Well, you can't stop now.
We'll do it together.
You're syndicated
in over 300 newspapers.
Talk radio is having
a field day with it.
Clearly the world
is one giant used-cow lot.
- Look, I just want to think about it, okay?
- What's there to think about?
You don't want to be
a post-feminist icon?
Come on. Let's get something great to
wear for Julians New Year's Eve party.
I meant to tell you that...
I kind of made other plans.
I mean, it's nothing major.
It's not a big...
- Well...
- What are you talking about?
- Ray asked me out.
- Ray?
As in Ray Brown?
As in devil incarnate?
No! No, I forbid it!
L- I-I thought you
were over this.
I think I'm having
second thoughts.
Oh, so now... Dr. Charles
is having them too.
- Done yet?
- You got a hot date?
- No, I just have to pee.
- Be my guest.
- What's this, party Viagra?
- Huh?
No, it's nicotine gum.
- When did you quit?
- Oh, since Daphne told me she wanted to marry a smoker.
Here.
Thank you.
Why don't you put on a dress
and come out with me tonight?
Why, so I can
trail after your harem?
- I'm flying solo. I thought I'd keep my options open.
-
Yeah?
Although
that may be for me.
- Hello.
- You're home.
Does this mean you've
come to your senses?
No, and I only have
an hour to get ready.
So quit worrying about me.
Go out. Have a good time.
I'm going to wear that red lipstick
you gave, and I'll call you tomorrow.
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.
Why are you doing this
to yourself?
- Doing what?
- Ray.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Okay.
- Well, if you change your mind, this is where I'll be.
- Oh, thanks.
I think I'll...
jump into my pj's,
probably
watch a little TV...
- go to bed early...
- Happy New Year.
- Same to you!
Now, back to our special New
Year's Eve coverage with Hugh Downs.
To recap, it was
less than 48 hours ago...
that Ray Brown called
to confirm his plans...
to take Jane Goodale out
this evening,
a clear indication
that he was, indeed,
regretting his decision
to terminate their involvement.
So the question remains,
why hasn't he shown up yet?
By all accounts, it would appear
that Mr. Brown is sticking firmly...
to his September sanctions.
Nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four,
three, two, one!
Happy New Year!
Jane!
Whoo!
Ahh...
Ohh...
Jane!
Happy New Year!
- Jane?
- Don't even bother.
- L-I need to talk to you.
- Shh...
Excuse me. Why didn't you...
Why didn't you return my calls?
You mean the calls that came
after the call you didn't make?
L...
This is not true.
It's so true.
Will you stop
for just a moment?
- Hey, Jane.
- Listen, I know it was inexcus...
- Good morning!
- Hi, Jane. Ray.
- There's a reason I didn't showup that night.
- I'm sure there is.
And you know what?
I couldn't possibly care less.
So let's forget about it.
Okay!
I don't suppose you're
interested in hearing me out.
You know what, Ray?
The truth is...
Hi!
You did me a favor.
Any delusions I may have still
had about you, they're gone now.
It was a gift.
You released me.
- For the first time in months, I feel great.
-
- Staff meeting in my office in two minutes.
- Okay, be right there.
Uh, what's wrong?
Diane's wearing your shirt.
The shirt I bought you
on the sidewalk.
So, does that mean
that the, uh...
- the two of you are...
- Seeing each other again.
- Yes. That's what I've been trying to explain.
- Wait. Stop.
Did you say, "Again"?
I should have told you
a long time ago,
but Diane insisted
on keeping it quiet.
- We got back together right
before New Year's and... - Oh...
and we went away for a couple of days, and
it was terrible of me to not call, but I...
Ray, I've got
Tony Robbins on line three!
- Ohh! Go on.
- I'm really sorry, Jane.
Hey, what is it?
- "D... " She's "D."
- I'm not following.
Di... Di... "D."
Diane is "D."
Yes. "D" is for Diane.
"E" is for Eddie.
Ray's "D."
She's the one!
I mean, she was... She
is the one. I mean, she...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Just breathe. Breathe, Jane. Breathe.
Now, let me get this straight.
Ray and Diane are together?
- Back together. Together
again. - All right. I get it.
- Let it go. Ray and Diane?
- Yeah!
Okay. Shh...
It doesn't matter.
That chapter's over, remember?
It doesn't matter.
Now we got to go in there,
so pull it together.
Do you hear me?
Don't cry.
Don't cry, please. You're gonna be fine.
- Okay.
- We're gonna go in there.
- Good. You all right?
- Okay.
Jane, where are we
for next week?
Uh, we're-we're all set with
Gerard Depardieu. Right, Jane?
Oh, good.
New movie?
Am-Amazing.
Amazing.
I- I actually, uh...
I saw it. It's, uh...
about a man whose whole
marriage falls apart and...
I mean, it's brutal,
actually. I mean...
You know, they show
the whole love story first.
You see that this woman means...
everything to this-this man.
In fact, there's this-this...
this one scene...
where he actually sits
in just a... a dark... uhh...
It's very touching. He's sits
in a dark room, and he just...
You just start to see
the-the tears and stuff.
I mean, the man is completely, you
know, broken, and you feel it.
You really feel it, and it's
devastating. It's a devastating...
Is this a joke?
N- No.
What do you mean?
I mean...
I mean, is this a joke?
- No, I saw it two nights ago.
- What's so funny, Jane?
- Oh, can you believe this guy?
- I know, I...
So sensitive... So...
So devastated when it comes to
some chubby French guy, but, oh!
Stomp on somebody's heart in real life,
and where's his sorry-ass pity then, huh?
Nowhere! Why?
Because he doesn't get it!
He never gets it!
Someone please
explain it to me.
Because I don't know
what you are talking about!
- Evelyn, is she free?
- Yeah. She is.
Thanks.
I'm sorry, Diane. I... I don't
know where that came from.
Well, I do. I know
exactly where it came from.
You do?
Some guy crushed you
under his boot heel,
and you lashed out
at poor Ray as being...
representative of the prick
that did that to you.
- I'm right, aren't I?
- More or less.
Well, you can't do it, Jane.
- I don't care how much it hurts.
- I know.
No, you don't know.
Now, sit down and listen to me.
I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.
About six months ago,
my boyfriend tried to leave me.
Well, he did.
He left.
And I was devastated. I was
destroyed. Did you see it?
- No. I-I-I didn't. No.
- Right.
Do you know why?
Because if I fall apart,
everything around me
falls apart...
everything that I have worked
my entire life for.
- Do you love him?
- Wh-Who?
- Him. The guy.
- I don't know.
Of course you do. Now, have
you talked to him lately?
No. No. Not ex...
Not exactly talked.
Do it. Do it.
Talk to him.
I used to feel that if I
kept my heart to myself,
If I never let him know how much I needed
him, that he would never leave me.
Well, guess what?
He did.
And I lived in a private,
pathetic puddle...
until I couldn't
stand it anymore,
And so you know what I did?
I showed up at his doorstep...
with two corned beef sandwiches
on rye, lightly toasted,
and I told him that
I was lost without him.
You said that?
Pretty progressive, huh?
And I'm happy. Go figure.
I never thought
I'd be happy.
And you believe her?
This is true love?
This is what we all should be looking for?
That is the most tragic thing
I've ever heard.
We're talking about a woman whose boyfriend
was screwing you in order to get away from her.
And she's the authority
on romance?
The only reason she believes
that crap is because she has to.
She's an old cow.
Truth is all we need to do
is adjust our radar a bit.
You know, learn to be attracted to
men we're simply not attracted to.
Whoa. Hang on.
What are you talking about?
Well, for example, normally...
I might be attracted
to a guy like you.
But thanks to Dr. Charles, I've learned
to control my passion for testosterone,
and now I can proudly say...
that I no longer find you
in the least bit desirable.
Oh, gee.
That's swell.
I need a drink.
Does she have any
idea that she's completely insane?
No. She's right. Diane is an old
cow. He cannot go back to her.
Okay, that's it.
Jane, these are people,
not cows!
Hello.
I should have known
you would take his side.
This isn't about sides, Jane.
It's about dealing with reality.
- And you need to get a grip.
- Oh, that's rich...
coming from an emotional moron who's
whoring his way through Manhattan,
using women
like A.T.M. Machines.
Oh, that's great.
I get dumped, sleep around, and I'm a moron.
You, you get dumped
and become the disciple...
of some crone-slash-quack
behavioral scientist...
who can't tell the difference between
quadrupeds and bipeds, and you're normal.
- She is not a crone. And she is not a quack!
- How do you know?
Who gives a shit?
You know, while you were out there buying
these theories about the horrors of men...
And why guys like Ray won't ever come back,
deep down inside
you're hoping he would.
Men are evil. Men are scum. But please,
Ray, won't you make a liar out of me?
Well, you got
what you asked for, Jane.
He did go back. He just
did it with the wrong girl!
It's over! Over.
- Why can't you just let it go?
- Because.
- Because why?
- Because I can't.
- Why?
- Because I was happy.
Because if this...
theory is wrong,
men don't leave all women,
Eddie, they leave me.
I know what
it does to you. I know.
Maybe that's why
we hold on as hard as we do.
We just can't believe that such a
miracle can ever happen to us twice.
And...
But it can.
Someday you'll
find it again.
- I promise you.
- Look at me.
- A mess.
- I'm looking at you.
And you're beautiful.
Hey, you are beautiful.
You're intelligent... and real.
And Ray is not the last man
you're ever gonna love.
I promise you he's not.
Shh. Shh...
Oh, my God.
Oh...
Mmm...
Hmm...
Hi.
Hi.
Uh... listen.
- L...
- No, no, no.
No. No.
No, you're not going
to analyze this one, Jane.
- I'm not?
- No. No.
You're so hell-bent on making sure things fit,
you miss out on all the fun when they don't.
- Eh? Oh...
- Well, I...
No? Right now you're trying
to rationalize last night.
Yeah? Worrying about
what might have happened.
Me, I'm just getting a kick
out of the fact that I, uh,
spent an entire night
with you in my arms,
and I didn't even cop a feel.
Well...
maybe one.
- Whew!
- What?
Well, I'm relieved.
I mean,
for a second there, I...
I thought maybe you
thought last night was, um...
You know, or that you would...
think...
That would've really blown your
Dr. Charles out of the water, huh?
Temporarily maybe, but you would
have shown your spots eventually.
- My spots.
- Oh, come on, Eddie.
Men never fail to do
what's in their nature to do.
And what is that, Jane?
Disappoint you?
Abandon you?
Hmm?
What's really behind
these theories, huh?
What are you hiding?
Nothing.
Sorry. What you see
is what you get.
Is it?
You know, this is not about my
nature, Jane. This is about yours.
- Hello.
- Janey?
Listen, Stephen.
Can I call y'all back?
Your sister's in the hospital.
We lost the baby, kiddo.
Hey, Janey.
Did you see Stephen?
I saw him in the hallway...
- Getting water.
- Getting ice.
Good luck.
God love him.
They break so easily,
don't they?
Last weekend,
he woke up in a panic.
He said that he had to go
shopping for the baby.
You know how anal he is. I thought
he was gonna come back with...
thermometers and baby blankets
and safety gates.
When he walked in the door,
all he had was this little, tiny bag...
and inside was this...
this perfect little
baseball mitt.
He got it in his head that
it was going to be a boy.
Janey.
Okay, I've got ice.
I've got blankets.
I've got magazines.
Look at my wife.
Have you ever seen
anyone more beautiful?
You're nuts.
Diane, it's Jane.
I found Dr. Charles,
Okay, is everybody ready
to have a good time?
Now, come on.
You're going to have to do a lot better than that.
Okay, let me explain how everything
on the show's gonna work.
- It's a really informal show...
- Yo, Ray! Do we have her on the line yet?
Two minutes. The magazine's
putting her through.
- All right!
- Two minutes.
- Diane, two minutes.
- So, Diane's going to come out.
The first guest is going to come.
We have about a 15-minute segment.
Our first interview is gonna be
on the telephone, okay?
- Dr. Marie Charles.
I'm going to ask you one more time.
Are you 100% sure you want to do this?
I'm sure. I'm sorry
to put you in this position.
Don't worry about me.
I just want to make sure you haven't lost your mind.
- Maybe I have. -
Here she is, Ray.
- Dr. Charles.
Welcome. Rarely have I
had the honor to host...
such a distinguished
and extraordinary guest.
Today, Dr. Marie Charles
speaks out for the first time...
since the publication
of her searing article...
Network says we've already
had 20,000 hits on the web site.
- Holy cow.
The reclusive Dr. Charles...
has agreed to an exclusive,
live telephone interview.
And I consider it
a rare gift...
from someone whose work has meant
a tremendous amount in my life,
- as I'm sure yours.
- Dr. Marie Charles
Hello, Dr. Charles.
Are you there?
Hello, Dr. Charles.
Can you hear me?
- I'm getting nothing.
- Where the hell is she? Where's the feed?
- Excuse me.
We seem to be having
some technical difficulties.
If you'll just bear with us,
I'm sure we'll get it repaired.
Tell them to patch it through
on the other line.
- We can't. We only have one dedicated line.
- Shit!
Okay, take us to commercial.
Uh, she's here.
She wants to go on.
Ho-Hold that.
Hold that. Hold that.
- She's here.
- Well, ladies and gentlemen,
it seems that the reason we've
been unable to get through...
to Dr. Charles
telephonically...
is because at this moment
she is right here in our studio,
having decided to do
the interview in person after all.
- Holy shit.
- So let's not waste any more time.
Join me in welcoming
Dr. Marie Charles!
- Makeup?
- Stop. Stop.
Show yourself, Dr. Charles.
Wake up!
Jane, what's going on?
Where's Dr. Charles?
- There is no Dr. Charles.
There never was.
- I invented her, Diane.
- You...
- I invented her because...
I had something to say,
and... somehow...
I thought if... if-if-if it were
coming from a 65-year-old Ph. D.,
that you would
see it the way I had...
as a truth, as a legitimate,
scientific truth.
But it isn't.
It's completely ridiculous.
And...
I lied to you all,
and I lied to myself.
Because
the real truth is that...
Because
the real truth is that...
I was heartbroken...
and lost.
You know, and I just wanted
to understand it somehow.
I wanted it to be...
about them.
So everything I thought I had figured
out was completely upside-down.
I thought this bull had gone on
to another new cow,
when, in fact, she was an old cow
who had become a new cow again.
I mean, what was
I talking about?
I was comparing
men to animals,
- which... okay, let's face it... sometimes they are.
-
But sometimes they are not.
Sometimes
you open the barn door,
or the hospital room door...
or the bedroom door and...
you find the real thing.
You find a guy who...
can sit with you when you
are at your absolute worst,
when you are knee-deep in Kleenex, and
your face looks like a punching bag,
and you are a complete
and total mess.
And he...
can still look at you
and tell you...
that Ray is not the last man
you're ever going to love.
- Eddie! Oh, my God.
Hey, are you all right?
All right.
There you go. Late edition.
Eddie!
- Oh, Eddie!
- Eddie! Eddie!
Stop. Stop.
Whew.
So, what you see
is what you get, huh?
Minus a few gray hairs
and a Ph. D., yeah.
I'm really sorry, Eddie.
You should have told me.
I should have told you
a lot of things.
You were right.
It was about my nature.
Out of all the things
you said to me that night,
what scared me
the most is...
that I would find it again.
Because I have.
Would you please
say something?
No.
So you're saying?
What do we got to lose?
- Everything?
- Exactly.
Joined by : Cgha