Son in Law (1993) Movie Script

[ Man ]
As your principal,
l watched you all start out
here at Lincoln High...
caterpillars in
our cocoon of stability.
Over the last four years,
your chrysalis has hardened.
And now if l listen closely,
l can almost hear
your cocoons opening.
l see before me
monarch butterflies...
ready to take off into
that great adventure...
that l like to call ''life.''
- [ Applauding ]
- And now...
l'm proud to present
your valedictorian...
Rebecca Warner.
[ Applauding, Cheering ]
Rebecca ! Whoo !
Today l would like
to talk about change.
lt's all around us.
Change. lt happens
whether we want it or not.
Change. Are we ready for it ?
l think so.
We are poised
and prepared for the future,
ready to embrace new people,
places and ideas.
[ Grunting, Blowing Raspberry ]
- ln short, we are ready
for the challenge of life.
- [ Snoring ]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
take a good look at us.
- [ Boy ] Wake up !
We are the future.
We are the Lincoln Tigers.
Hear us roar !
Whoo ! We did it !
[ Principal ]
l give you the class of 1993 !
- Rebecca !
- Zack, get up.
-Why don't you let me take the picture ?
-No, no, no, Dad, l'll take it.
- Don't worry about it.
- All right, okay. Do what you want.
- Hold still there.
- Rebecca ! Give me that camera, Walter.
lf we wait much longer,
it will be my graduation.
- Travis, would you please
take our picture ?
- Come on !
- Oh, yeah.
- Mom, where do you want me?
- Now look here, Travis,
you ever work one of these ?
- Come on, Dad !
- Just a minute, please.
- ln my day, all ya did
was push a button.
-ln his day, dinosaurs roamed the Earth.
-Okay, Walter,
- we're ready.
- Look, l'm just tryin'
to get a good one, damn it.
- Mom, it's fine.
- lt will be fine.
- All right, all right,
is everybody ready ?
- Yes !
- All right, everybody say, ''Cheese.''
- Cheese !
[ Walter ] Travis,
did you press that little thing--
California is a long way off
just to go to school.
- Are you sure you don't
wanna reconsider State ?
- [ Rebecca ] No, Dad.
- You know l wanna do this.
- Yeah.
Oh. Rebecca.
l-l'm not sure that l've...
really prepared you for what
you're gonna run into out there.
What l mean is...
the boys are different
than they are here.
They, um, uh--
W-W-What l'm tryin'
to say is that the--
Well, the lifestyle's
a lot faster.
- Are you tryin' to tell me
not to have sex, Dad ?
- Huh ?
l'll be fine.
- You know me.
- [ Chuckles ] Well, it's, uh--
lt's pretty late. Uh, guess
we'll get a little shut-eye, huh ?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Travis ?
- What ?
- Slow down.
- Why ?
'Cause l-l want it to be right.
Well, when's it gonna be right ?
You're leaving tomorrow.
You act like it's forever.
Well, l'm not gonna see you
for three months.
What if everything changes ?
Nothing is going to change.
l'll go to school,
you'll work at the co-op...
and we'll see each other
every single vacation.
And when l'm done,
we'll be together.
- Promise ?
- Promise.
l guess l can wait.
Now... where were we ?
That's no way to pack a truck, Junior.
These bags should be back there.
- Oh, come on, Dad.
l know what l'm doin'.
- All right, all right.
But don't come cryin' to me
when my granddaughter's clothes...
- are scattered all
up and down the highway.
- Watch your hands.
- Zack, where's your sister ?
- What ?
l don't know. Maybe she's still
in the barn with-- [ Clearing Throat ]
- [ Connie ] Zack.
- What ?
- [ Walter ] Rebecca ! Let's go !
- Just a minute.
Okay !
Learn a lot, Shortcake !
[ Zack ]
How long 'til we get there ?
[ Connie ] Two days, Zack,
so you might as well relax.
- [ Zack ] Shit.
- [ Connie ] What did you say ?
- l said, ''shoot.''
- Hmm, Walter, isn't that the long way ?
- [ Walter ] You wanna drive ?
- l'm sorry. l'm trying to help.
[ Zack ]
Next stop, sunny California.
- Stop !
- l'm doin' the drivin' here, Connie.
[ Everyone Arguing ]
[ Man On P.A. System ] All freshman must
report for registration by 6:00 p.m.
lf you don't register,
you don't exist.
- [ Rebecca ] Quit it, you little--
- [ Zack ] l don't have to.
- Fine, l'm ignoring you now.
- [ Walter ] lf you kids don't shut up,
l'm gonna turn this car around.
We're gonna go right back home.
[ Zack ] You don't have to freak, Dad.
Speaking of freaks, hey, how ya doin' ?
- [ Walter ] Look at that idiot.
- [ Zack ] Great school, Rebecca.
- You need a lobotomy to get in here ?
- Shut up !
Don't say shut up.
Coming through !
Oh, my God.
We're never gonna get through here.
- Zack, come on.
- Zack, do your share.
- l'm not a bellboy.
- Hey, pick up the trunk !
- Mom--
- [ Connie ] Walter,
don't you yell at him in public !
- Your father's a little
out of his element.
- Can we just go to my room ?
- l'll take the trunk.
- Connie !
- You take this or you're
not going to Disneyland.
- What ?
- Wait a minute, will ya ?
Wait a minute !
- l can do it.
- Look at them two.
- They're fresh off the farm,
aren't they ?
?? [ Heavy Metal Blaring ]
- [ Zack ] Shut up ! Stop pushing me !
- [ Rebecca ] You shut up !
- Hey, hey, hey, come on now.
- Stop fighting, please !
- [ Gasping ]
- Excuse us.
Hey, T.J. ! Watch out !
- Excuse me, dude. Excuse me.
- Goddamn !
Rebecca, come on. Let's just
keep movin', everybody. Come on.
This is the, uh, opportunity
that you wanted for your daughter ?
This is it.
- Go ! Shut up.
- Zack, okay, that's it.
God !
Zack, be care--
Ohh ! Mom !
Oh, here they are.
At least she's gonna be across
the hall from somebody who's in charge.
Sensible white cotton briefs, Rebecca.
Must be a real thrill seeker.
- Zack. Zack !
- Would you just stop it,
both of you ! Stop it !
Hey, hey.
Oh, honey, look how
wrinkled everything is.
- Now this is underwear.
- Zack !
- Stay out of her drawer.
- Oh, Zack, can you gimme
the key, please ?
- l don't have it.
- What do you mean ?
l told you to bring it.
Damn it, Zack, l swear,
l think your brain produces...
- a chemical that blocks out my voice.
- Excuse me, l can't hear you.
- [ Sighs ]
- Stop it !
- Hi. l'm Carol. l'm your new roommate.
- Roommate. Hi.
- l know you two are just
gonna be the best of friends.
- Mom.
Well, l'll leave you two
to get acquainted.
- Ah !
- Hi, l'm Rebecca. l, uh--
l think there's some law
that says your family's...
- supposed to embarrass you
on the first day of school.
- l think it's Murphy's.
- l'm sorry.
- My family's the same way.
- Hey, Carol, phone !
- Ah, communal living. Excuse me.
Oh, bye-bye.
- What a nice girl.
- So guess that's it, huh ?
Nope, nope. l gotta find a screwdriver
so l can get this trunk open for ya.
[ Sighs ]
[ lndistinct Chatter ]
?? [ Heavy Metal Blaring ]
Hello ?
Hello ?
Anybody home ?
- Hello !
- Hey !
[ Laughing ]
Oh, uh, sorry.
l need a, uh, screwdriver.
Ah, l'm sorry.
l'm all out of vodka.
Oh, no, no, no. l-l-l need
to borrow a real screwdriver...
uh, to open my...
uh, uh, my, uh,
daughter's trunk.
Oh, you have a daughter.
Ha ! ls she hot ?
- What ?
- Don't worry. l'll keep
a special eye on her for ya.
- My name's Crawl.
- Oh, uh-- [ Gasps ]
Ha ! And l'm
the resident advisor.
- Aw, shit.
- What ? Hey, wait. Come back.
- Aw, shit !
- Don't leave me hangin' !
Ooh !
l'm not gonna have her livin'
across the hall from that, uh,
- that, that thing over there !
- Who ?
- l told you l didn't like
this coed business.
- Calm down, Walter.
Hey ! Oh.
Rebecca, everyone, l'd like you
to meet my girlfriend Lisa.
- Hi.
- [ Warners ] Hi.
Nice to meet you.
l'm really sorry about that.
- Aren't you, Zack ?
- [ Zack ] Speak for yourself.
Well, l'm sure
l'll see you again soon.
- Yeah.
- And l'll see you next weekend.
Oh, Dad. Dad, do you have
your camera handy ? Ohh !
Now you just remember. lf you don't like
this damn place, you can go to State.
She's gonna love it, Walter.
Aren't you, dear ?
- You guys, l'll be fine.
- Stay out of trouble, okay ?
l will as long as you
stay out of my room.
Oh, and give your roommate
a big kiss for me.
- ln the shower.
- Get in the car, Zack.
Let's just get the rules
straight here.
There will be absolutely no partying
in this hall between the hours...
of 5:00 and 6:00 in the morning
without my expressed written permission.
Okay, cool. Carry on.
l'm a carnivore
and l smell freshman meat, uh !
[ Moaning, Laughing ]
[ Crawl ]
Undiscovered country.
Moving in for the close-up.
Show me love !
And... cut.
You have got charisma !
-What is that ?
-lt's a special quality of leadership...
that captures the popular imagination
and inspires allegiance and devotion.
l mean the thing in your hand.
lt's a tool. lt's for your trunk.
Oh. Thanks.
My name is Crawl and
l'm the R.A. And you're, uh--
- Uh.
- W-W-Wait. Don't tell me. Sally ?
Jessie ? Raphael ?
- Rebecca.
- Oh, Bec-ca. [ Laughs ] l like it.
- So where ya from ?
- Uh, South Dakota.
Fresh off the farm.
Oh, my God, l can't believe it.
Right across the hallway. Hallelujah.
- So you're inbred.
- Excuse me ?
You know, where your mom's your dad
and your dad's your brother.
No, l am not inbred.
Hmm. Prime USDA choice teriya-ki.
l have to go to orientation.
Well, if you need anything, l'll be--
Ooh, hey, charisma.
lt's a special quality of leadership
that captures popular imagination...
and inspires allegiance.
[ Telephone Ringing ]
Damn it, Tracy.
- l said l'd be right there.
- Travis ?
- Rebecca, hi.
- Hi.
Hey, l was just closin' up.
So, how's life in the big city ?
[ Laughs ]
Everything's fine.
l miss you.
Oh, same here. Hey,
it'll be Thanksgiving soon.
- Oh, can't wait.
- Yeah, me either.
So how's everything else goin' ?
Oh, l don't know.
lt's really weird.
- Well, that's California for ya.
- Yeah, l guess.
- l tried to tell ya.
- l know.
[ P.A. System ]
Because of the success of last year's
''Let the Grunions Live'' March,
we're announcing the formation
of the ''Save the Veal'' Committee.
Now you gotta make Mommy and Daddy
proud, right ? They sent you here.
Hmm. Blondie, what's up ?
- Shut up, dick !
- Ow !
- Geez !
- [ P.A. System ] They need our help.
The organizing committee...
will be meeting tonight
at the student union at 7:30.
Tofu scallopini will be served.
- What's up, dick ?
- Aah-aah-aah !
?? [ Heavy Metal ]
'Cause we're gonna have to get
the beer for the beer bong.
- Oh, you frisky little thing.
- Meow !
- [ Grunts ]
- Great costume !
? Do you know where you wanna go ?
? l ain't got time for you now ?
- ? Do ya think that there'll ever be ?
- [ Girl ] Ooh, gross !
? 'Cause all l ever wanted so far ?
Yuck ! No.
- ?? [ Music Continues ]
- Whoa, l'm sorry, little lady.
- Great costume.
- Thanks.
Yeah, yeah, l got it, l got it.
You're a hick washer woman.
[ Laughs ]
Excuse me.
[ lndistinct Chatter ]
[ Basket Bangs ]
Sorry, Becca.
Uh, just sorta happened.
Want a beer ?
Oh, no, thanks.
- Get up. Get up !
- [ Girl ] Uh-oh.
- What ? What ?
- Oh, man.
- Oh, it's her--
- lt's like a little horsey thing.
- [ Carol ] Rebecca, l--
- Forget this.
Sorry about that.
[ Babbling ]
Hey, Bec-ca.
- What's up ?
- l'm leaving.
[ Spanish Accent ] Do you know
of a better party than this ?
No, l'm leaving school.
l'm, l'm going home.
- Uhhhhh, nope !
- What are you doing, Crawl ?
- l'm saving you from a major mistake.
- Crawl, just leave me alone.
Gimme five minutes, all right ?
And if you don't like what l got to say,
then you can make your call.
Just five minutes.
- ?? [ Rap ]
- Right in here.
- Oh, l don't want to go in there.
- [ Lowers Volume ]
Hey, hey, everybody out.
The party is o-ver.
Man, we were just
havin' fun, you know ?
- See ya tomorrow, huh ?
- Clip our wings, why don't ya ?
Yeah, okay, get out.
Goldilocks naked, two doors down.
Let me guess.
You miss your mom, dad,
boyfriend... dog.
Basically everything you can think of
back at home, right ?
[ Laughs ]
How do you know that ?
Here. Look at this.
[ Laughs ]
That's you ?
- No.
- Freshman year.
Oh, my God.
You were such a nerd.
- l mean-- l'm sorry.
- That's Fred.
-What happened ?
-Sit down. l'll tell you a little story.
Becca, l tossed the spectacles.
Grew the do, guzzled some brew.
This is college, man.
l mean, look at it. This is supposed
to be the best years of our lives.
- How many years have you been here ?
- Six.
But, hey, it's cool.
l've majored in almost everything.
[ Laughs ]
Okay, um, l don't know...
what l wanna be yet,
but right now l'm havin' fun.
Crawl, l really appreciate
what you're doing,
but, l just--
l don't fit in here.
How do you know ? You're not even
here now. You're still back there.
Why'd you come here
in the first place, Bec ?
- To try something new, right ?
- Yeah.
Well, how can you try anything new
if you haven't even left campus yet ?
l know. You're right.
You gotta mingle with the people.
Come on, Bec.
What have you got to lose ?
So the thing is is people here
and the people where you're from--
[ Barking ]
[ Crawl ]
Hey, he's just mingling.
Stop right now. l'll take your picture.
l have to take a picture.
[ French Accent ] You are a fresh
little girl. You will be my kitty.
Hey, come in here.
Come on. lt's okay.
Come on. Now l know this place.
First things first. Wardrobe.
Now you've got your weasel wear.
Crawl, l want her hair.
[ Both Laughing ]
[ Rebecca Groaning ]
[ Whooping ]
l beat you !
- [ Laughing ] Tattoos.
- Kravitz.
- What's up ?
- Come on.
Come on, bud-dy.
[ Needle Buzzing ]
- Ow !
- Oh !
- Does it hurt ?
- lt's better...
than a kick in the face
with a golf shoe.
So, Crawl, what do you think ?
lt's permanent.
- Crawl, l'm mingling.
- lt's up to you.
- [ Man ] Ow-ow. Hey.
- Okay.
So what l want
is something feminine.
He's standing right next to me.
You see that, huh ?
You see what happens ? The ink soaks...
in the system and the guy's freaked out.
Look at him ! What are you, you freak ?
- That's a good point.
- So ?
You pick it, l stick it.
? ln a perfect world ?
- ? lt would never end like this ??
- Hey, that is enough.
- Oh, l'm sorry.
- God !
You didn't like it ?
So what about yours ?
What's your family like ?
Sadie's a pit boss in Vegas.
She's on her fourth marriage.
- Fourth ? My God.
- To Frank.
Frank sells plastic catheters, bedpans,
stuff to hospitals.
You'll probably see some of his work
wash up here onshore from time to time.
- Really, you will.
- [ Rebecca Laughs ]
Wow ! She is fantastic !
- Let me see her.
- Hey, hey, hey. Oh, oh ! Touch me !
Touch me. Hey, over here !
Somethin' just came up !
She's a hottie.
That's the kind of girl
l'm gonna marry, Rebecca. l promise.
-Oh, you could do much better than that.
-Better than that ?
Well, l never seen
no one better than her.
- Oh, my God.
- No one likes me like her ever.
Look at that guy.
What happened to him ?
- Steroids.
- His cones are bigger than mine.
Becca... Travis.
What ? l'm just looking.
[ Announcer ] Hollywood's got her
set up for the body slam and, oh !
That's gotta hurt, boys.
Lightning comes back with
a shoulder hook for the escape.
Whoo ! Get her for big daddy now.
Come on, for big daddy, big daddy.
[ lndistinct Yelling ]
Yeah !
[ Laughing ]
- Those are my kind of girls !
- Let's just go. Let's just--
Fake cones,
Lee Press-Ons, hair extensions.
That's the girl l'm gonna marry.
[ Announcer ] Let's hear some noise
for Hollywood and Lightning,
with Hollywood taking that one
in three falls, gentlemen.
- Three falls. Hollywood and Lightning.
- Here. Resident advisor.
[ Announcer ] All right, sports fans,
are you ready to rumble ?
We've got a challenge match
this evening.
- And in the far corner,
the resident advisor !
- Crawl.
- Let's hear it for Crawl !
- That's me ! Oh!
That's me ! That's me !
And his worthy opponent,
the queen of the ring,
a ton of fun,
the brawlin' bunny, Thumper !
Aha ! Yeah !
- l hope the resident advisor
hasn't been ditching P.E.
- Aah !
Thumper's got him
up in a full helicopter.
He's twirlin', he's twirlin' !
Oh ! And down he goes
with a body slam, boys !
Oh, geez !
Get away ! Help !
Get away !
Get him ! Get him ! Kill him !
Oh ! Oh, God ! Ow !
[ Laughing ]
Get him !
Come on ! Ow !
Get me away from here !
Whoo ! Thumper !
Help !
- [ Coughing ]
- Still undefeated.
Our ton of fun,
the brawling bunny,
- the reigning champion, Thumper !
- You--
By the way, boys,
she's also available for weddings.
[ lndistinct Chatter ]
[ Telephone Ringing ]
- Well, l'm outta here.
Happy Thanksgiving.
- Oh, see ya in a week.
- Becca, telephone.
- Communal living.
[ Girl ]
Okay, thanks for the scarf !
- You got her.
- [ Travis ] Hey.
- Hi, who is this ?
- lt's Travis, your boyfriend.
- Bye.
- Hi. Sorry.
What is it with those people ?
- Oh, everyone's just
gettin' ready to go home.
- Bye-bye.
- Um, so l guess l'll see you
tomorrow, though, huh ?
- Yeah, yeah.
l'm coming to the airport
with your family. Can't wait to see ya.
- Got a lot to talk about.
- Oh, yeah ?
- Yeah, but you're gonna have
to wait until tomorrow.
- Hey, Becca !
- Steven Tyler P.J.s !
Steven Tyler P.J.s !
- Rebecca ? Rebecca ?
- That's great, Crawl.
- Rebecca, are you listening ?
Yeah, l am. l'm sorry.
lt's just really hard to talk right now.
- Um, but, okay,
so l'll see you tomorrow.
- Yeah. Hey... l love you.
- Yeah, me too. Bye.
- [ Dial Tone ]
''Veal parmesan
sliced beef...''
- and, ah !
- l thought you were leaving for Vegas.
Nope, fell through. l'm gonna stay here
and munch solo, though.
- By yourself ?
- lt's cool 'cause, look, Hungryman.
They came out
with a new Pilgrim Platter.
l'm all over it.
lt creates the mean loaf.
? How do you please a hungry man ??
Sing it, Rebecca !
- l'm gonna go finish packing.
- Okay, well, take care.
- No, l'll see you before l leave.
- Okay, bye.
''Hungryman satisfies your appetite
with 50/ more meat.
For hearty appetites and your enjoyment,
we offer a hungry--
- [ Microwave Beeps ]
- What are you-- Hey.
l have a better idea.
Hold up the sign
so she can see it.
- Zack !
- Bonk !
Oow ! What's up, buddies ?
Ha ! Guys !
- ls that her ? ls that--
- Huh ?
- [ Connie ] lt is her. Oh, no.
- Check it.
- Goddamn.
- [ Rebecca ] Weasel wear.
Connie. Walter.
[ Laughs ] Sorry.
- What's up, bro ?
- Excuse me ?
Thanks for the sign.
Travis. lt's good to see you.
- Fine. How are you ?
- Happening.
- [ Connie ]
Uh, where's your friend, dear ?
- Oh, he was right--
- [ Everyone ] He ?
- And... cut !
Guys, this is Crawl.
Warners. The family l never had.
Huh ! [ Laughing ]
Crawl, this is my family.
- You must be Zack. Becca told me
about those puffy cheekies !
- Ow ! Mom !
But she never said
she had a younger sister.
Huh ! We're old friends, 'member ?
You'll be happy to know,
though, right after you bailed,
l popped your daughter's trunk.
Oh, shit.
- [ Laughing ]
- [ Crawl ] North Dakota, South Dakota,
East Dakota, West Dakota.
Yeah ! Come on,
come on, come on !
? Green Acres is the place to be ?
? Farm livin' is the life for me ?
? Land spreadin' out so far and wide ?
? Keep Manhattan just
gimme that countryside ??
No downtown !
Middle America !
Oh, buddy ! l'm here !
l have arrived !
Oh ! Oh !
[ Kisses Ground ]
Oh ! Noing-noing
- House looks great.
- Yes, dear. Some things never change.
Oh, Pappy !
Excuse me. Hi, can you
just tape this for us ?
Just-- Yeah, just--
Here. Just get me.
Oh, what's up,
Middle America ?
Rippin' the fields.
A-hoo ! A-hoo !
Gettin' barreled.
Pipeline. Ooh !
Sorry. l just get real excited.
Just never been here before.
Look, uh, uh, Crotch.
- Crawl.
- Right. You're gonna be
sleepin' up in Zack's room.
- Cool. We'll get to know each other.
- Can't wait.
What'd they do to ya, Shortcake ?
l can't hardly recognize you.
You guys have chickens ?
Oh, l love chickens.
Are they extra crispy
or original recipe ? [ Cackling ]
Who in the hell is that ?
[ Babbling ]
- [ Cackling Continues ]
- What's wrong ?
We have to talk. Come on.
Good God Almighty.
[ Crawl ]
Wait, stop ! Hi, sweetie.
[ Cackling ]
l'm on your side.
Chickens !
Hey, l wouldn't get any closer
than that if l was you.
You go in there, old Samson,
he's gonna have his way with you.
- Chickens ? Please.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
- Bull. [ Snorting ]
[ Snorting ]
- Aah, aah, aah !
- Yah ! Back off, Samson !
Ah, ah !
Thank you so much.
Hey, hey !
What are you doin' ?
l just wanted to say
thank you for saving me.
l've never been on a farm before.
- You're kiddin'.
- Uh-uh. Hi.
l'm Rebecca's friend. My name's Crawl.
Pleasure to meet you, bro.
- Ow.
- l'm Theo. Nice to meet you, bro.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- [ Knuckles Cracking ]
Ease up on the steroids.
Juice will make the jewels
shrivel into sun-dried tomatoes.
Ow, ow.
- Oh, Elsie.
- So what's goin'--
- Oh, shit !
- Same old tricks. Come on.
- Come on, sweetheart.
- [ Mooing ]
Oh, my God.
lt's Bartles or Jaymes.
Dude, which one are you ?
l need a pen.
Sign my jacket, bro.
You have no clue on how huge you are
with the college circuit.
We love your wine coolers.
- Can't he sleep in the barn ?
- Zack, l'm not gonna have
that, uh, uh, what's-his-name...
sleepin' out there
in the barn so just cool it.
- Fine. l'll sleep in the barn.
- Stop whining.
- Just go upstairs and set up the cot.
- l don't want to.
[ Talking Loudly ] Maybe l can
whittle wood with you sometime,
cool, buddy ?
Okay, say bye, Bartle.
See ya later.
l'm gonna be--
l'll just be, um--
There's, um--
[ Screen Creaking ]
Hey, Warners ? Look,
l'm sorry l snapped back there.
l just never been
in a place so pure.
- So if l'm being
an inconvenience, let me know.
- Well, actually--
- Not at all.
Please just make yourself at home.
- Really ?
- Um-hmm.
- Where's the kitchen ?
- lt's right back there.
- l'm gonna go munching
on some grindage.
Ha ! Ooh-ooh !
[ Crawl Gasps ]
Look at this place.
[ Cockney Accent ]
Spectacular quarters, me matey.
Did you design it yourself ?
Look what l got for you, buddy.
A sandwich too.
- That's okay. l'll pass.
- You sure ?
- Yeah.
- Okay, l'll put it over there
just in case you get hungry later.
Since we're gonna be roommates.
- [ Gasps ] The 2-CJX ! Look at this.
- [ Computer ] Hello, Zack.
- Don't touch that.
- l just wanted to take a peep.
Maybe now's a good time
to talk about the rules in my room.
- Rules ?
- Yeah.
Rule number one:
Don't touch anything.
- And what's rule number two ?
- There's only one rule.
- Don't touch--
- Anything !
Got it.
l'm takin' this back.
- You ever meet the tooth fairy ?
- No.
- Never ?
- No.
- l wouldn't fall asleep if l were you.
- Mom !
- l'm just kidding !
- Mom !
Relax, bro. Come on.
l'm Becca's friend, dude.
Puffy Cheeks, chill.
- There, girl.
- [ Mooing ]
- So, um, how's your mom doin' ?
- So... what's goin' on ?
- What do you mean ?
- This guy.
- l mean, who is he ?
- Oh, Travis, l'm sorry.
He's my neighbor.
He-He was alone for Thanksgiving.
He's just a friend.
Oh, l'm so glad
you're finally here.
You know what ?
l gotta get back in.
- Oh, no, wait. Uh,
before you go, um, uh--
- What ?
What ?
Well, l-l've been thinkin'
a lot about us lately, you know ?
l mean, you've been gone
for three months and l realized...
- how much l love you.
- Travis.
And l guess what
l'm tryin' to say is...
- Rebecca, will you--
- Oh, God.
- Wh-What is it ?
- l'm feeling just a little, um--
- l'm just a little dizzy, that's all.
- Are you okay ?
Yeah, yeah. You know, l think with
the plane and all the excitement,
- l'm just a little worn out.
- Well, that's okay. That's okay.
lt's no problem.
We got all week, right ?
- Right.
- Why don't you take a nap ?
- Okay.
- And l'll see ya tonight
at the country club, right ?
- Right, right. Okay.
- Okay.
Oh ! [ Laughs ]
Oh, Rebecca,
don't worry about your hair.
- lt'll grow back.
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Computer ] Error. Error. Error.
- Damn it.
- Error. Error.
- Can l show you a shortcut ?
- You show me a shortcut ?
- Yeah,
- me show you a shortcut.
- Error. Error.
- Can l-- l have to touch
your computer, though.
- Be my guest.
Error. Error. Error. Error.
- Error.
- [ Typing ]
- [ Beeping ]
- See that ?
- [ Computer ] Loading.
- Ta-da !
lt's gone.
How'd you do it ?
Your PC got harshed, right, 'cause your
system heaps at the wrong parameter.
So l toasted the dated directory,
tweaked the P-RAM...
and reglazed your subroutine.
- How'd someone like you
get into computers ?
- Grew up at Caesar's Palace.
Right ? ln Vegas ? Gambling,
cones, the whole package, right ?
Didn't have any friends, so l just
pounded away on the old keyboard...
for a couple of years, solo mission.
l don't know.
So you're just an old hacker like me
but disguised as an idiot.
- [ Laughs ] Yeah, basically.
- Zack, can you please leave ?
- We're busy.
- Zack, please.
No, it's my room.
- Our room.
- Our.
l'll tell Mom where
all your Playboys are. [ Kicks Box ]
- So ? l'll tell Dad you got a tattoo.
- Go ahead. l don't care.
Playboys ? Dude, don't
hold out on me, bro. What month ?
l'm a subscriber.
[ Grunts ]
- Crawl, we have to talk.
- Yeah, l could see that.
What's the problem, Becca ?
- Travis is gonna ask me to marry him.
- What ?
- [ Laughs ] He got down on one knee.
- [ Groans ]
l thought he was what l wanted, but now
l just can't see myself settling down.
- You know, l think
l'm really too young...
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
- to be thinking
about these things. What ?
- hey, hey, hey, stop ! Stop !
- Sit down. Relax.
- What ?
Hey, you don't have to do
anything you don't wanna do.
Crawl, it's not that easy.
You know, we've been
together for a long time.
l just don't wanna hurt him.
Just remember, the longer you wait,
the more painful it's gonna be.
l know.
[ Sighs ]
l'll tell him tonight.
- Listen, l-l gotta tell you somethin'.
- What ?
My gear, man.
l'm feelin' really out of place.
- You gotta hook me up
with some rustic wear.
- [ Laughing ]
l could take your style with
my style and just interweave 'em.
- [ Laughing ]
- Get your hat. Let's cruise. Come on.
- [ Crawl ] Oww !
- ? Hey, good lookin' ?
- ? What ya got cookin' ?
- [ Horn Honking ]
? How's about cookin'
somethin' up with me ?
? Oh, guitar ??
Come on, bud-dy.
You want some rustic wear.
[ Laughing ]
- Hey, Miss Pucket.
- Hi, l think.
[ Laughing ]
- Okay, we need the hat
for the ''do-saver.''
- Charlene, get away from them !
- Oh, boots !
- l'm mingling. Mommy !
- Okay, Crawl,
the dressing room's over there.
- l need more stuff.
- No, you don't. No, you don't.
- Okay. Right here ?
- Yes. Take these. Okay, okay.
- Okay, okay, okay.
[ Sighing ]
- Rebecca ?
- Hi, Tracy.
- Wow ! You look great.
l hardly recognized you.
- Thanks.
When did you get back ?
Um, uh, this morning.
You're still here. l thought
you were going to New York or something.
Well, l still am.
l just need to save some money first.
- You're still working
at the bar, though ?
- Yeah.
- You should come by.
- Yeah, definitely. l'd like that.
- lntroduce me.
- Uh-- Tracy, this is my friend Crawl.
- What's happenin' ? Nice to meet you.
- Likewise.
- Have you ever done any acting ?
- Crawl, what are you wearing ?
- Chaps ?
- Cheek chillers. You likes ?
- l hates.
- Okay.
- Not bad.
- What-- Oh !
Crawl, that is disgusting !
Hi, how ya doin' ?
Hi, Travis.
- Thank you, Dad.
- Zack, help your sister.
- Zack.
- Now, if Junior would get here--
[ Crawl ]
Where'd-- Why'd ya go so fast ?
Hello. My name is Crawl.
Hello. Real people !
Down-home-cookin' people.
Hey, cool goatee, buddy.
What's up, pal ? Whoa !
- Look at him.
- [ Crawl ] How ya doin' there, sir ?
- Aha !
- Listen, you guys, l was feelin'...
really, like, out of place,
but, hey, check it.
- Now l fit in.
- lt's great.
- [ Laughing ]
- Hmph !
- lt's okay.
- [ Walter ] So, uh...
- Cramp--
- Crawl.
Oh, right, um...
what kind of name is that anyway ?
Nickname. They gave it
to me my freshman year 'cause
that's how l always got home.
- En garde !
- Zack, grow up.
l can't wait 'til l grow up.
- Then l can get a tattoo just like you.
- Tattoo ?
- [ Both ] Tattoo ?
- [ Glass Clinking ]
As you all know, Rebecca Warner
and l have been courting
for almost five years now.
- Oh, shit !
- He's doing it right now ?
And since l think
of you all as family,
l thought it was important
that we include you
on this very special occasion.
- Crawl.
- What am l supposed--
- Honey.
- Rebecca, will you marry me ?
[ Applauding ]
- Do something. Do something !
- Ow !
Ow, ow, ow ! Wait.
l just wanted to say something.
Huh ! l just wanted to say,
um, that Travis is too late.
Whoa, this is getting good.
Yeah, um, 'cause a couple weeks ago at
school, l already asked Bec to marry me.
[ Woman ]
Oh, no.
And she said yes.
- Oh, my God.
- Here. l almost forgot, sweetie.
Here's your little ringie.
Look it, she's nervous.
- Oh, hey, dude, don't worry.
She never cheated on you.
- Travis ?
- Travis !
- Mom, Dad.
Maybe now is a good time to start
thinkin' about a bachelor party.
Be back in a sec.
Travis ! Travis !
Will you just stop ? l'm sorry.
- Just a friend.
- l'm sorry.
Alone at Thanksgiving.
-Why didn't you just tell me the truth ?
-Because there wasn't time.
- Your timing was perfect
tonight, Rebecca.
- [ Crawl ] Bec, are you okay ?
- Yes, we're fine.
- No, we are not fine !
Listen, l understand if you're pissed.
lf you wanna talk about it, it's--
Ow ! Ohh !
Oh !
[ Whimpering ]
Why did you do that ?
[ Crawl Whimpering ]
Get up !
[ Rebecca ] My God, l can't
believe you just did that, Crawl.
What was l supposed to do, huh ?
You stomped on my foot.
- l stood up. l said
the first thing that came to me.
- This is a total disaster.
- You know we've destroyed
Travis, right ?
- Forget Travis !
- Look ! Look at my nose.
- Crawl, this is serious.
What do you think
their kids are gonna look like ?
- Zack !
- Zack !
- l was just asking.
So what do you wanna do ?
Do you wanna tell him the truth ?
No, no, n-no, w-we can't.
lt'll just make it worse.
We just have to ride this out
until the end of the week, that's it.
- Hmm. So you wanna stay engaged ?
- Please.
- Okay. Can l get some tongue ?
- Oh, you--
- Ah !
- Oh, l'm sorry.
l'm sorry.
Are you okay ? Sorry.
- [ Laughing ]
- [ Whimpering ]
- We just can't let this happen.
- What can we do ?
Well, uh, we can ground her.
- What ?
- Well, we're still her parents.
Can't we do that ?
She's rebelling, Walter.
lf we forbid it,
she'll run off with him
and we'll never see her again.
Let's just calm down
and deal with this like adults.
Right, right.
You distract him. l'm gonna hit him
over the head with a shovel.
Theo. Hey, l guess
it's Miller time, huh ?
Dude, you should
be drinkin' Lite.
[ Laughing ]
Look, you little son of a bitch,
l can smell
your shitty stink a mile away,
so just stay clear of me, all right ?
So basically we're not
gonna be hanging out ?
Okay, l'm sorry.
- Hey, can l whittle wood with you ?
- No.
- Honey, would you please
tell me what's going on ?
- What ?
You bring home this boy you say
you're marrying. You don't tell us
anything. Are you pregnant ?
- No !
- Well, tell me please then.
l really want to understand.
- lt's not what you think.
- Great ! What is it then ?
- Look, it's not that big a deal.
- Not that big a deal ?
Getting married's
not that big a deal ?
Honey, getting married
is a very big deal.
We sent you away to college so you
could have choices for your future,
- not to go and marry
the first thing that comes along.
- Thing ?
Well, yes.
He's... weird.
- You are so out of it, Connie.
- l am not--
- What is this ''Connie'' business ?
l'm your mother !
- And l'm an adult !
Oh, well, uh, uh--
[ Crawl ]
Oh, perfect timing. Listen.
- l got some amazing thoughts
about this bachelor party.
- Never mind about that.
l need to know
what your plans are.
Well, actually, sir,
l was thinkin' about stayin' in school
for a couple more years.
You know, goin' into
European Studies, buddy.
l mean, cruisin' around
Europe, backpacking, right ?
Munchin' that ch-ch-ch-cheese,
- a little vino.
- [ Walter ] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now just a minute here.
How do you propose...
to support my daughter ?
Well, what do you do ?
- l run this farm.
- There. l could do that.
- Huh ?
- l mean, since l'm part
of this family now.
lt's tough, but l'll probably
take over when you retire.
- You wanna be a farmer ?
- l think l'm gonna be sick.
[ Walter ]
Now look here, son.
Farmin' is not like sittin'
on your butt in school.
- Farming is hard work.
- Yeah, l know.
l'm gonna do the nine-to-fiver.
- Nine-to-fiver.
- Uh-huh. Huh !
Nine to five.
You hear that, Theo ?
l think we got ourselves a farmer.
You think you could show him...
- the ropes a little bit tomorrow ?
- Oh, yeah.
- [ lmitating Crawl ]
lt would be my pleasure.
- Now remember,
- we get started first thing
in the morning.
- Cock-a-doodle-doo !
[ Rooster Crowing ]
[ Snoring ]
Rise and shine, valentine.
[ Screams ]
- Shh !
- Oh, l thought you were a burglar.
- You have got to stop doin' that.
- [ Laughs ]
You gotta admit, man,
it's kinda wild that
l'm weizin' on the farmer's daughter.
Mmm, steam.
- [ Southern Drawl ] Like a Jacuzzi.
- Yeah, sort of.
- Hop in !
- Ow ! [ Spits ]
How you like that smell ?
- [ Gasps ]
- Dig in.
[ High-pitched Voice ]
- Put that grain into this trough.
- Uh-huh.
- All the way to the end.
- All the way to the end ?
[ Crawl Screaming, Groaning ]
- Ain't farmin' fun ?
- [ Crawl ] Piggy ! Piggy !
- [ Theo ] Hey.
Pour that slop right
in the trough there, son.
- Right here ?
- Yeah, right there.
Whoa, whoa ! Wait a minute !
- Get on the other side.
You don't wanna get trampled.
- Thank you.
- There you go.
Don't get none of that on ya.
- Get over there, Hoss! Baby !
Ooh, yeah.
l'm farmin' it now, Theo.
- Ooh, you just love your foody !
- Yah, pig !
- [ Pig Squealing ]
- Yah !
Aah ! Nice piglet !
Piggy ! Piggy !
[ Theo Laughing ]
How you like farmin', city boy ?
All right, City,
just climb up on this tractor here.
- l used to have one of these
when l was a little fella.
- That's wonderful.
Get up there. l want you to fire it up.
You gotta pull out the silver button,
- push the black 'un.
- The blacken ?
Come on. l ain't got all day.
- Ooh !
- All right. Now,
- drop it down into first gear there,
down to your right.
- Yeah ?
- And then bring her on back in.
Give it plenty of gas.
- Okay.
[ Screaming ]
Stop, Theo ! Theo, stop it !
- Help !
- l forgot to tell ya there.
That first gear can be
just a little tricky.
Kinda saggy there, Elsie.
[ Chuckles ]
l know a killer doctor
in Beverly Hills...
- [ Mooing ]
- that will nip and tuck ya.
Oh, just chill, buddy. Here we go.
A little milk-age. Check it.
[ Mooing ]
Oops, wrong button.
Lunch !
Old Theo told me
the cow pissed on his head.
?? [ Crawl Humming
''Old MacDonald Had A Farm'' ]
Mmm, smells like down-home cookin'.
- You okay ?
- Hey, hey, hey, l'm okay.
First day, first day.
This barnyard stuff is not
as easy as l thought, though.
l gotta hand it to you Mr. Warner.
You farm guys got it goin' on.
Yeah, well, l guess your farm days
are about over, huh ?
Nope. Just haven't found my groove yet.
Groove ? You destroyed my fence.
l lost half my chickens.
You messed up my tractor.
Listen, l figure your ''groove'' cost me
about close to $1,000 this morning.
Sir, l plan on paying
you back for the damages.
How are you gonna do that ?
You don't even have a job.
Well, yes, l do. l'm a farmer.
Don't be callin' yourself a farmer.
And l gotta tell ya somethin' else.
l mean, l'm sorry,
but you, you just stink to high heaven.
- Walter !
- Well, l've lost my appetite.
- Will you just stop it ?
- l don't believe l was
talkin' to you, young lady.
- Just leave him alone, Walter.
- Don't call me... Walter !
- Walter.
- l'm your father.
l should be treated with
a little respect around here.
- Well, then how about treating me
with some respect ?
- Out of control.
Well, look what you do when you make
decisions. You throw it all away.
- Walter, hush !
- How would you know what l did ?
Well, that tattoo gives me
a pretty good idea.
Come on, Dad,
it's just a butterfly.
- Out of control.
- lt's not like she killed anyone.
- You just stay out of this.
- Oh, l can't have an opinion ?
The day you make a contribution around
here is the day you can have an opinion.
- Walter !
- l contribute.
These children
are out of control.
- These children
are not out of control...
- What's the deal ?
- and they are my children,
and you just stay out of this.
- l'm sorry.
All right, let's just all settle down.
- l'm not gonna settle down.
- Walter, l want you
to stop this right now.
- l should have stopped it,
but l listened to you.
- l didn't have a say in this ?
- We made that decision together.
- No, we don't make anything together.
- And that's my fault ?
- [ Everyone Arguing ]
- Shh ! Eh, eh, eh ! Shh !
Please ! Please !
- What happened to my family ?
Calm down.
You people are being so mean.
Look at you. Listen.
Becca always told me about
what a great family she had.
And then l get here and l meet you guys
and she's right. You guys are great.
You're like the Waltons.
And then l come in.
And l wrecked
your whole harmonious vibe.
Look, it's obvious what the problem is.
So l'm just gonna go.
Forgot my stuff's upstairs.
Fine. l'm going too, then.
Wait. Now this has gotten completely
out of hand. Come back in here. Walter.
All right, look,
nobody's goin' anywhere.
- [ Crawl Sighs ]
- We're all just gettin'
a little bit out of, uh,
uh, control here. Uh, Crotch--
- [ Everyone ] Crawl !
- All right, all right ! Crawl.
- Crawl, we want you to stay.
- Are you sure ?
Pretty sure. l mean,
l'm sure. l'm sure.
- Okay, well, if you insist.
- No, no, no, l insist.
Well, l'd love to stay and chat,
but l've got a lot of work to do.
l'm gonna grab a couple
little drumsticks for the road.
Sir, you're not gonna be disappointed.
[ Zack ]
Wait. l'll give ya a hand.
- [ Crawl ] Really ? Well, all right.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- ? Old MacWalter had a farm ?
? Ee-yi-ee-yi-oh ?
? And on this farm he had a kid
with squishy, puffy cheeks ?
? With a fft-fft here
and a fft-fft there ?
? There a fft, here a fft
everywhere a fft-fft ??
l'm going to my room.
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Footsteps Retreating ]
Okay, now look. Watch out for...
[ Laughs ]
that button right there.
Buddy, it is dangerous.
Don't worry. l've done this before.
Come on. Try it.
- Try it.
- [ Mooing ]
Look, l can't. l'm bashful.
- lt's kind of like feelin'
a cone for the first time.
- lt's not like a real tit.
Huh ! l've had my hands on some
pretty freaky cones back in L.A., man.
Have you had your hands
on my sister's ?
- Don't talk about your sister
like that, man. Come on.
- Sorry.
Whoa ! [ Laughs ]
Yeah ! [ Crows ]
- You're pretty good at this, Zack.
- Great. My life's ambition.
- Okay, now let me try it.
- Okay.
- What-- ls there, like,
a special technique, man ?
- Yeah, start at the top...
- Uh-huh.
- and squeeze it,
and then go down all the way.
- Wow, you're right.
lt's not like a real tit.
- Yeah.
? Yee-ee ?
? Yee-ee ?
Here it is !
These are your vittles !
Come and get it, baby !
lt's chow time !
Soo-ey !
- Oh ! Hey, boys ! Come on, eat 'em up !
- ? Yee-ee ?
? Yee-ee ??
- Sic him, pig !
- Come on, Porky !
[ Howling ]
Back it, dude. Reverse.
Towards that way.
Come on.
[ Howling ]
Theo !
- Check on it, buddy !
- Sometimes that boy just chaps my hide.
Yeah ! Oh, yeah !
[ Groans, Coughs ]
What... is that ?
Hmm. Mischief.
Huh ! Ah, look at this thing.
lt's like a big video game.
Stick shift.
One, two, three.
A little music.
''John Denver.''
Where can l stick this ?
Oh, yeah, there it is.
Uh-huh. Just slide it right there.
Doesn't work.
Gotta turn it on.
And then up.
Oh, cool.
? l pull out my fiddle
and l rosin up the bow ?
? The kids are asleep
so l keep it kinda low ?
? Thank God
l'm a country boy ?
- [ Engine Starting ]
- ? l'd play Sally Gooden
all day if l could ?
- [ lmitating Gunfire ]
- ? But the Lord and my wife
wouldn't take it very good ?
? So l fiddle when l can
and l work when l should ?
? Thank God
l'm a country boy ?
? Well, l got me a fine wife
l got me old fiddle ?
? When the sun's comin' up
l got cakes on the griddle ?
? Life ain't nothin'
but a funny, funny riddle ?
? Thank God l'm a country boy
Whoo-hoo ?
Aah ! Aaaah !
Aaaaah ! Aaaaah !
Damn it ! Theo, damn it,
l told you to watch him.
That's a $250,000 machine.
? Well, l wouldn't trade my life
for diamonds or jewels ?
- Not anymore, it ain't.
- ? l never was one
of them money-hungry fools ?
- ? l'd rather have my fiddle
and my farmin' tools ?
- Whoo-hoo !
- ? Thank God l'm a country boy ?
- Cuttin' some corn. Cuttin' some corn.
- Can l get some butter, please ?
- Hey, come back here !
- Damn it, what's that kid's name ?
- Sometimes he answers to ''asshole.''
[ Crawl Singing ]
? Country boy ?
? Well, l got me a fine wife
l got me old fiddle ?
l know it now.
? Cakes on the griddle ?
Don't drive across those rows !
? Funny, funny riddle
Thank God l'm a country boy ?
Ya-hoo ! Billy Ray Cyrus
eat your heart out !
- Come on, Theo !
- l ain't no jogger !
Ohhh, U-turn !
- Whoa !
- [ Crawl ] Look out, Theo.
- l'm gonna plow ya !
- Oh, no !
- [ Laughing ]
- ? Well, l fiddled with my daddy
'til the day he died ?
- [ Hooting ]
- ? He took me by the hand
led me close to his side ?
- ? Said ''Fiddle with life
play the fiddle with pride'' ?
- Come back, Theo. We're a team !
- 'Member ?
- Oh, l hate that guy ! l hate him !
- [ Hooting ]
- ? Well, my daddy taught me young
how to hunt and to whittle ?
? Taught me how to work and play
a tune on the fiddle ?
? Taught me how to love and how
to give just a little ?
? Whoo, thank God
l'm a country boy, yeah ??
[ Grunting ]
She drives pretty good, but
the first gear's a little bit tricky.
[ Crawl ]
?? [ Humming ]
- Sweetie !
- Oh-oh !
Oh, my God. l'm sorry. Hey. God.
l thought you were Becca.
Well, l'm not.
So if you don't mind--
Oh, l don't wanna be rude
or anything, but, Mrs. Warner,
you're givin' me a semi.
- Well, thank you very much,
but, uh, l really--
- Can l ask you a question ?
- l suppose.
- Why don't you, um,
put a little makeup on ?
l mean, look how--
You're a beautiful lady.
l mean, look at this. Enhance your
outer beauty with your inner beauty.
What for ?
You act like you're
60 or something.
Where l come from, nugs stay active
'til they're senile, man.
You are ripe, Mom. Look at you.
You're like a peach on a windowsill.
Look at that.
Look at the package.
- You are nasty.
- Nasty ?
Aaaaahhhh !
Girlfriend, girlfriend.
- [ Hooting ]
- Don't be ridiculous, Crawl.
l don't believe you.
- Look at this ! Come on.
You're getting excited.
- No, no, absolutely not.
- l can see it ! You're getting excited.
- lt's ridiculous.
- You liked it. [ Sighs ]
- Thank you very much.
Look, you got a decent base goin'.
You got a lot to work with.
- Go away, Crawl !
- Just give me five minutes...
and if you don't like my work
we'll go back to same old Connie.
Come on. Please.
Aaaahhhh !
[ Laughs ]
Connie !
Come on, let's go, everybody.
We're gonna be late !
Oh, that's, uh...
quite an outfit.
Look... l'm sorry.
No, uh, l'm the one that
should be sorry, Rebecca.
lt's just that, well, l've been
a little bit out of sorts lately...
and, um, well, l just want you
to know that l'm still...
just real proud of you, honey.
- Connie, let's go !
- [ Connie ] You go on, Walter.
- Go get me a bustier.
- Bustier.
Crawl and l will be right behind you
in the Ford. l'm changing.
? Oh, heel, toe, do-si-do ?
? Come on, baby
let's go boot scootin' ?
? Yeah, Cadillac Blackjack ?
? Baby, meet me out back
We're gonna boogie ?
? Well, get down, turn around ?
? Go to town
Boot scootin' boogie ?
? l said get down
turn around, go to town ?
? Boot scootin' boogie ?
? Well, get down, turn around ?
? Go to town
Boot scootin' boogie ??
[ Crowd Laughing, Clapping ]
- ?? [ Slow Country ]
- [ Man ] Come on, y'all.
- This is the last slow one.
- What did you do ?
- Do you like it ?
- Uh, well, it-it's a little, uh--
Excuse me, would you
like to dance ?
Hell, no.
Get outta here.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Both Laugh ]
- Hey.
- You're a hottie.
- Oh, my, thank you.
- ? And the way you look tonight ?
- You don't like it, do you ?
- No, l think l do.
l, uh-- Well, l--
l think l like it a lot.
- [ Laughs ]
- You're a genius.
- So you're saying you likes ?
- l likes.
? Keep that breathless charm ?
Over here, Edgar.
? Won't you please arrange it
'cause l love you ?
Check out the wood
that l created for him.
- [ Laughing ]
- ? And the way you look tonight ??
[ Humming ]
- Hey, good to see--
- Excuse me. Ow ! Ow !
Don't hit me ! Don't hit me !
Come on, relax.
l just came by to apologize.
- Oh, right.
- [ Travis ] No, l'm serious.
l feel really bad about
what l did, you know ? Yeah,
and l want to make it up to you.
- Come on. Yeah, yeah.
- Really ? What did ya have in mind ?
Well, l was thinkin' about
throwing you a bachelor party.
You know, have a few laughs and stuff.
What do you think ?
- Come on.
- l'd really like that a lot, Travis.
- l'll pick you up tomorrow night.
- Cool. Wait, watch this.
- What ? Oh, yeah ? No--
- Ah, buddy, hug ?
Dude, l hug my friends.
- [ Laughing ]
- Thanks, dude.
- All right.
- Travis, it's really cool of you.
Well, you know,
l care a lot about you...
-and l just want you to be really happy.
- What a splendid person.
- Hmm.
All right, let's have
some real dancin', gang. Square 'em up.
[ Cheering, Hooting ]
? Well, gonna bow
to the partner ?
? Then you turn and bow
to the corner of the hall ?
- ? Go into the middle
with a cowboy yell ?
- Ya-hoo !
[ Square Dance Calling
Continues, lndistinct ]
- l heard about last night.
- Hey, hey, come on, come on, please.
Listen, l need a favor.
- Here ?
- No. Come on. Will you help me ?
You comin' over tonight ?
- Yeah.
- l'll wait up for you.
[ Square Dance Calling
Continues, lndistinct ]
[ Gasps ]
Crawl, look at them.
Cool parents.
- Hey, Slick.
You gettin' mighty friendly...
- Yeah ?
- with old City over there, ain't you ?
- So ?
- l'm throwin' him a bachelor party.
- What ?
? Farmin' girl promenade
and go 'round the world ?
? Get back home
and when you get there ?
? Join up hands
Circle to the left ?
? Left allemande
then promenade ?
Keep going, gang.
We'll be right back.
Keep on going.
l'm gonna get some punch.
- Hey, Horace.
- Watch this.
? Now grab a nug
whose cones are busty ?
? Weiz her gig
and make her crusty ?
? Grab your dude
Don't use roughness ?
? Move in close
and groove his buffness ?
? Buff the wood, buff the wood
Come on, buff the wood ?
- ? B-B-B-B-B-B-B-Buff the wood ?
What ? Dude, get off.
- Give me the mike.
- They're enjoying themselves. Come on.
- This is square dancing.
l don't care if it's, like,
circular dancing, bro.
Come on. Look, they're havin' a blast.
Are you guys havin' fun ?
[ Dancers Cheering ]
Yeah !
- Man, come on. Horace.
- This is square dancing.
No, go on. Get outta here.
Dude, l'll go off.
Come on, buddy.
- [ Crowd Cheering ]
- Do you want to do it some more ?
[ Crowd ]
Yeah !
Yeah !
- What the hell.
- Cool. Thanks.
? lf your gal is finger lickin' ?
? Come on now
and do the funky chicken ?
[ Clucking ]
- [ Laughing ]
- [ Clucking ]
Yeah ! Whoo !
? Now spin together
if your nuglet's willin' ?
? Shake your booty
then start chillin' ??
- Say, ''Chill.''
- Chill !
- Say, ''Chill, chill.''
- Chill, chill !
[ lndistinct Grunting, Screams ]
[ Cheering ]
Step up to bat, brother.
Go with it, man. Just do it.
Feel the breeze and let it fly.
- Ah, yeah, 7 47.
- [ Crowd Gasps ]
[ Woman ]
Horace, are you okay ?
[ Cheering ]
Yeah ! Oh, Horse,
you're the man !
[ Connie Giggling ]
Oh, Bull.
[ Both Giggling ]
Oh, Dad, you missed
one heck of a party.
[ Whistling ]
What was it, a Halloween party ?
- Dad.
- Yeah, l tell you, l'm sure worn out.
Think l'm gonna go on upstairs
and get a little shut-eye.
[ Low ]
You coming up ?
- Yeah.
- We need to talk, Junior.
Uh, uh, Dad, give me
a little rain check on that, okay ?
- Ah, what--
- Oh ! Whew !
Did you see that Horacey, man ?
You had Wasco rockin' !
Forget about Wasco.
Think about your parents right now.
l mean, you dad's gettin' busy.
l know. l have never seen them
like this before.
Oh... thanks, Crawl.
- You really saved me this week.
- Becca, l'm a friend...
and l'm at your service.
lf it wasn't for you,
l'd probably be engaged right now.
You are engaged.
Oh, yeah.
Don't mind me, nobody else does.
Good night, Crawl.
Oh. Thank you, Pappy.
- Good night, Pappy.
- Good night, Shortcake.
Oh, shit.
Can l please
whittle wood with you ?
All right.
Grab a piece of wood.
- You know l majored
in Creative Woods, right ?
- Uh-huh.
- Second freshman year.
- Here.
Huh !
[ Crowing ]
- Sounded like you and Walter
were gettin' busy.
- Rebecca !
What ?
[ Laughs ]
Oh, honey, l don't believe you.
- Crawl !
- Thanks for leaving me
with a semi last night.
lt's okay, it's okay.
Zack hooked me up...
with last month's issue--
The poisons have left the building.
- Thank God.
- Good morning, everybody.
Morning, Dad.
- Beautiful day.
- Oh !
- Bull !
- Ooh, Walter.
- What is that one ?
- Fishing.
- lt's called ''Whopper.''
- [ Crawl ] Walt !
- Dig the gear.
Big fishing expedition, huh ?
- Oh, yeah.
Mmm. Can l come ?
Um, oh, l don't think so.
- Oh, come on, honey.
Let him go with you.
- Well, now wait a minute.
l gave Dad a rain check on a talk
we were supposed to have this morning.
Well, that's okay, sir,
'cause l'm just gonna stay here
and take the combine out.
- [ Whispering ] Let him go with you.
- All right, you can come.
Well, all right, sir.
l think, l think, l, well,
l think you made a right choice.
Zack, l threw your gear
in the truck out there.
- Come on. Let's go fishin'.
- [ Laughing ]
l don't feel like it.
Well, suit yourself.
Bring me a big one.
Ow ! Let's go, hotshot.
- Nasty !
- Girlfriend, girlfriend, aaaaaahh.
So, Walter, don't hold out
on me, dude. Did you get her ?
No, no, no, no.
No, look.
lt's all in the wrist.
See ? You just pop it up,
pop it out there,
flick it a couple of times.
Just drives those trout wild.
No, no, no, no.
You got your--
You got your rod upside down.
Turn it over. Turn your rod--
That's right. All right.
Now, go ahead. Pop it out.
No, just one hand.
Just do it with one hand.
That's right. Go ahead.
Ah, shit.
Look, l'll tell you what. Why don't
you put the fish that Dad and l catch...
into the bucket
'til you get the hang of it.
- Look, l'm really sorry.
- lt's all right.
- l got one !
- He got one !
See, Junior ?
That's how you do it.
Yeah, over the head.
That's the way to do it.
l never could understand
that sidearm business of yours.
Yeah, well, that's
the way l like to do it.
- Yeah, well, it don't make it right.
- Yeah, well, whatever.
You get some kind of pleasure
out of not listenin' to me ?
Aw, look, Dad, l just don't want to have
this conversation anymore, okay ?
l got a particular way
l like to do things and that's it.
- Just give me a little room.
- A little room, huh ?
Room you want ?
You got it ! l tell you,
- it never fails-- l try to help him,
- Every time.
- try to teach him something,
and what happens ?
- Every single time.
He turns on me
like a viper in the grass.
He is one ungrateful son of a bitch and
l'm gonna tell it to him to his face.
[ Walter, Sr. Continues, lndistinct ]
- You know, l kind of feel sorry
for you, Mr. Warner.
- What ?
Well, your dad, you know.
l've been noticing the way
he's always treatin' you.
Oh, he's been like that as long as
l can remember the son of a bitch.
Kind of like the way you
get down on Zack for the way
he does things, too, huh ?
l'm sorry.
You talkin' about the way he plays with
those stupid computer games all day ?
Those aren't just games to him.
That's what he's into.
He's not asking you to do it, is he ?
He just wants some room too.
Yeah, well, uh, uh...
who asked you ?
l'm sorry.
- [ Groaning ]
- Dad !
Dad !
- [ Gasping ]
- Dad, come here. Lay down here.
Where are your pills ?
ln, in my jacket in the truck.
Assess the situation.
Gramps is dying.
Okay. C.P.R.
Right ! Okay.
- Tilt the head back.
- [ Gasping ]
- Plug the nostrils.
- [ Gasping ]
And administer mouth-to-mouth.
[ Screaming ]
- What happened ? What happened ?
- Geez.
- He tried to kiss me.
- Dude, l was doin' C.P.R.
l know what l'm doin'.
- l majored in it for a half semester.
- Here.
Well, if it's between my dyin'...
or him kissin' me,
l'd rather die.
Hey, guys.
Catch anything ?
- Come on. Here, let me help you.
- ls he okay ?
- Come on, Dad.
- You're gonna be okay, all right ?
-Just shake it out.
-You're not dizzy or anything, are you ?
- Dad, are you okay ? Something happen ?
- Nothing to be alarmed about.
- Are you sure ?
- He just had a spell.
- l'm okay. l'm all right.
- Let's go inside.
- Crazy kid nearly kissed me.
- Listen, um, um, Crawl, l just...
want you to know how much l appreciate
what you did for my dad back there.
Look, it's no problem.
What did you do out there ?
We need to talk.
So what happened out there today ?
Crawl ?
Crawl ?
Would you just talk to me ?
[ Sighs ]
- What ?
- Rebecca, l don't want
to lie to 'em anymore.
Oh, Crawl, you're not
doing this to me now.
l told you, we're gonna get
back to school and l'll call...
- and l'll tell 'em we broke up.
- Yeah, but your dad took me fishing.
All right ?
We bonded. Finally.
l like your family, Rebecca.
l like 'em a whole bunch.
And that's why
l don't want to ruin it.
We just have two more days.
- Look, l don't care, Rebecca.
- Oh, God.
Either you tell 'em
or l'm gonna tell 'em.
- Okay, l'll tell 'em. Yes !
- Are you gonna tell 'em ?
[ Cow Mooing ]
- Hey, City.
- Hey, Theo.
Ever pick out your own turkey
for Thanksgiving ?
Yeah, Stouffers,
Swansons and Butterballs.
This ain't no supermarket, boy.
- Uh, hey. How ya doin', man ?
- Gobble, gobble, man.
All right, partner.
You should do some aerobics
and bail the belly, man.
Yeah, okay, cool. Listen, take this.
Sometimes these things can be vicious.
- Are you gonna cruise in with me ?
- Oh, l don't think so.
[ Laughing ]
- Get on over there and get dinner, boy.
- Chop its head off ?
- Yeah, if you can catch him.
- [ Mumbling Gibberish ]
No, no, no, no !
[ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Laughing ]
l'm innocent !
Theo told me to do it !
Stay back !
l was just kidding !
Help ! Stop !
[ Howling ]
[ Walter, Sr. ]
The turkey had a heart attack ?
l don't know.
l never killed anything before.
Maybe he should give the turkey
a little kiss.
- [ Laughing ]
- [ Crawl ] That's real funny, guys.
[ Walter ]
Well, you know what they say, Crawl.
lf you kill 'em,
you gotta clean 'em.
Why are you
making me do this ?
lt's all part
of being a farmer.
Now, reach down there and grab them
tail feathers, start jerking them out...
- and work yourself forward.
Jerk 'em on out of there.
- [ Screams ]
[ Everyone Yelling,
Turkey Gobbling ]
lt's a miracle !
[ lndistinct Yelling ]
[ Horn Honking ]
Oh, there's my ride.
Like to hang, gotta go. Bye.
- [ Zack ] Whoa !
- [ Walter, Sr. ] Junior !
[ lndistinct Yelling ]
[ Party Guests ]
Drink that beer, boy !
That's it ! Bottoms up !
- Okay, Crawl, drink it down !
- Yeah !
[ Belches ] Dude, you should invest
in a beer bong, bro.
The thing with the funnel, the hoo.
You throw the whole case
in there, man.
Hey, dude, you shoot
the whole thing out. Toast, buddy !
[ Travis ] You know,
l didn't like you much at first,
but now that l got to know ya,
you're okay.
l still think you suck,
but you're a hell of a drinker, pard.
This is it ! A toast !
- To Crawl !
- [ Theo ] To Crawl !
And Rebecca, your ex-chick,
my new fiance.
[ Laughs ]
Hey, City.
Yeah ! Get down !
All right, man, this is it.
Go, go, go !
- Go ! Go on ! Go !
- Go on ! Suck it up, buddy !
- [ Travis Hooting ]
- l'm gonna go sing.
- [ Belches ]
- Great. All right.
[ Crawl ]
Hello. Hi, how ya doin' ?
Cool. Okay, this is a song
that really means a lot to me.
? Well, life on the farm
is kind of laid back ?
? Ain't much an old country boy
like me can't hack ?
? Early to rise
Early in the sack ?
? Thank God
l'm a country boy ?
? Well, city folks drivin'
in a black limousine ?
- ? A lot of sad people-- ??
- Sorry to interrupt,
but are you guys ready
for some real entertainment ?
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Jukebox Plays ''T-R-O-U-B-L-E''
by Travis Tritt ]
Whoo !
[ Party Guest ]
Shake it, mama ! Shake it !
? Street talkin', sexy walkin'
honky-tonkin' baby ?
? The men are gonna love ya
and the women gonna hate ya ?
? Remindin' them of everything
they're never gonna be ?
? Maybe they'll begin
another World War lll ?
? 'Cause the world ain't ready
for nothin' like Y-O-U ?
? l bet your mama must have been
another good-lookin' mama too ?
? Say hey
good L-O-O-K-l-N-G ?
? Well, l smell
T-R-O-U-B-L-E ?
- [ Crowd Cheering ]
- ? l said hey ?
- Nugs !
- ? l said hey ?
? l said hey, l said hey ?
? l said hey ?
? Well, l smell
T-R-O-U-B-L-E ??
Uh ! l was just
getting started.
No, baby, baby, baby !
Y'all can take me on !
That was great, Tracy.
That was great. That was great.
No, no, no ! Come on.
lt's a party ! Let's go. Drink up.
[ Cheering ]
[ Crowing ]
Ah, morning. Happy turkey day.
ls the coffee ready ?
Help yourself, Theo.
Zack, can you bring those spices
over here please, sir ?
So, uh, where's
Mr. Farmer this morning ?
Oh, l imagine he's up there
in his room sleeping it off, huh, Zack ?
Not in my room.
He never came home last night.
- Really ?
- [ Theo ] Might check out in the barn.
Heard a lot of huffin' and puffin'
out there last night.
- Oh, Crawl, poor guy.
- That's how he got his nickname.
Crawl ?
[ Crawl Groaning ]
[ Groaning ]
What ?
Sorry, you guys,
l didn't mean to--
l'm sorry.
l'm just gonna be going now.
Wait ! Becca !
lt-- Ow.
lt's not what you think !
l don't think.
Do you think ?
- Oh, the wedding is off !
- Stop !
Good mornin'.
Becca, please, just wait.
- Just--
- These are the days of our lives.
[ Crying ]
Oh, God !
[ Crawl ]
Becca ?
Look, l'm sorry.
- Oh, forget it.
lt was all a big joke anyway, right ?
- No.
Not for me.
l'm into you.
- Yeah, until Tracy shows up.
You into her too ?
- Listen, last night...
l'm at the bachelor party, l'm doin'
karaoke and then l wake up in the barn.
That's all l remember
what happened, l swear.
Oh, Crawl !
You are such a hypocrite !
God, you waltz in here telling everyone
to be honest with each other,
and the least you could do
is be honest with me.
l'm being honest.
[ Sighs ] That you blacked out
and woke up with Tracy ?
My God, you must think
l'm stupid. l am stupid.
l never should have brought
you here in the first place.
Why did you bring me here, Becca ?
Because it was Thanksgiving
and you were alone.
You knew Travis was gonna
propose to you, huh ?
- Oh, please. l felt sorry for you.
- ''Please'' to you.
Spare me. You needed someone
to shield you from Travis...
- because you couldn't
even deal with it yourself.
- That is not true.
Have you told anybody the truth ?
Talk about hypocrites.
Hey, l don't even want
to be your friend.
Here's your ring.
Fits better on my finger
anyways. See ?
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
What are you doin' here ?
l don't know.
What happened last night ?
You tell me.
Well, l woke up in the barn,
but l, l can't remember anything.
Yeah, well,
l'll tell you what happened.
You and Crawl were all over each other
when you left the bar last night.
Why don't you
take it from there.
l was only gonna dance for him.
After what we had together ?
Man, l thought l knew you.
You are so low.
- [ Walter ] Honey, you okay ?
- Fine.
- Where are you going ?
- Out.
[ Rooster Crowing ]
Becca, what happened ?
[ Sighs ] Everything.
Wait up ! Wait !
- So l take it there's not
going to be a wedding ?
- You got that right.
lt's too bad.
Believe it or not,
l was looking forward
to having you as a brother-in-law.
So where are you heading ?
Back to California...
where it's normal.
Okay. Well, if you find
a baby-fresh nug out there,
send her my way.
[ Clicking ]
You got it.
Take care, all right ?
Be good.
- Okay.
- [ Squeezing Sound ]
- [ Mimics Crawl ]
- Hmm, you made the sound well.
You can have my hat only
if l could squeeze your cheeks.
- Squeeze.
- Yeah.
[ Laughs ]
Take care, buddy.
Later. Thanks for the cot.
Look, we all make mistakes.
- l'm just so confused.
- Listen, it's natural.
You go away from home
the first time,
you, you try new things.
Yeah, l just, l mean, you know,
l thought l knew him and--
Look, those L.A. people are slick.
l mean, they are not like us.
They're on a different wavelength.
l tried to tell ya.
[ Sniffling ]
[ Tires Screeching ]
Ah, ah, ah.
- Get in.
- l think we spent
enough time together, don't you?
Look, we need to talk, now.
All right.
[ Muttering ]
Look, about last night. l think
there's something you should know about.
Yeah. l just wish l could
remember if l was good or not.
- Well...
- [ Tires Screeching ]
- Shit.
- Everybody, sit down.
Here comes our bird.
[ Travis ]
lt's really great, you all inviting me.
- Oh, that's a beautiful bird,
Mrs. Warner.
- Thank you, Travis.
- You always were a great cook.
- Hmm.
Before l sit down, l'd like to say
that it's really great...
having everybody together
for the holidays.
Matter of fact, l'd like
to make a toast. To Rebecca,
the sweetest girl l know.
l know we've been through a lot
the last couple of days,
but l still love you as much as ever,
and l think you still love me.
- So Rebecca Warner,
- [ Sighs ]
- will you marry me ?
- l, uh--
- Don't even think about it, Becca.
- Oh, man.
Listen, you guys,
l'm sorry for interrupting your meal,
but there's something that
everybody needs to know before l go.
Can't you take a hint, you idiot ?
Look, Mr. Warner, if you don't mind,
l'd like to take this guy outta here.
[ Crawl ]
Walter, you gotta hear this one, man.
Well, uh, uh, okay, Crawl.
You go ahead.
- Go ahead, Tracy.
- Tra--
Hi. Look, Rebecca,
l woke up in the barn
with Crawl this morning...
and l thought l did
something really stupid.
- Mmm.
- How can you come in here
and insult this family...
- after what you did ?
- Look, l don't remember what l did,
and l think l know why.
- Oh.
- l found these in my car.
Now, you said you saw me drive off
with Crawl last night,
but when l got in my car this morning,
the seat was so far back...
l couldn't even reach the pedals.
Somebody awfully big must have been
driving, huh, Hoss ? [ Spitting Sound ]
Theo, you know anything
about this ?
You want to pass those
mashed potatoes there, hon ?
No, no, no, no, now just to hell
with those mashed potatoes.
Now, you better speak up.
Your job depends on it.
- Theo ?
- Theo ?
Aw, hell, Walter,
it was just a joke.
- Oh...
- We took those two out there
and we put 'em in the barn.
l didn't think everybody
was gonna get so upset about it.
- So l didn't bone her.
- So he didn't bone me.
So you guys didn't bone.
Oh, now, wait a minute.
You can't really believe--
No, you wait a minute.
l gotta tell you, Travis,
it really tweaks my melon
to see a buff bro like Crawl here...
get weized on
by a greasy scumbag like you.
So you just chill.
No, Travis. You just get out.
- Hey, you can't talk to me like that.
- No, but l can.
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
Majored in karate
for two semesters.
[ Laughs ]
[ Walter ]
l gotta say something here. Theo, now,
l appreciate your honesty,
but you're fired.
- What ?
- That a boy, Junior !
Now, just take your ass on outta here
and take him with you.
You take him.
l don't work here anymore.
He's gonna need
a lot of food stamps.
[ Sighs ]
l'll do it. Ah, you are so low.
[ Groans ]
[ Connie ]
Would you like
to join us for dinner ?
- Are, are you sure ?
- Oh, definitely.
Come on, sit down here, Tracy.
We'd be real proud to have you
join us for Thanksgiving.
Now, how about...
having my future,
um, uh, well,
carve up this bird for us ?
Oh, uh, wait.
There's, um, there's something
that l need to tell you guys.
See, Crawl and l
were never actually, really--
Sure about the wedding date.
So we're gonna put things
on hold for just a little bit
and we'll see how things develop.
Hey, l can respect that.
Oh, yeah, that's a hell of an idea.
Hell of an idea.
No use rushing
into these things.
- All right, all right, all right.
Enough of that.
- Yeah.
Now, let's chow down here...
- and munch on some grindage !
- [ Laughing, Cheering ]
- [ Crowing ]
- [ Crawl ] Shut up !
- We got the point !
- [ Squawks ]
- Everybody say, ''Cheesy.''
- Cheesy !
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
? This thing called love ?
? l just can't handle it ?
? This thing called love ?
? l must get round to it ?
? l ain't ready ?
? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? This thing ?
- ? This thing ?
- ? Called love ?
- ? Called love ?
- ? lt cries ?
- ? Like a baby ?
? ln a cradle all night ?
- ? lt swings ?
- ? Woo, woo ?
- ? lt jives ?
- ? Woo, woo ?
? lt shakes all over like a jellyfish ?
? Kinda like it ?
? Crazy little thing called love ?
? There goes my baby ?
? She knows how to rock 'n' roll ?
? She drives me crazy ?
? She gives me hot and cold fever ?
? She leaves me in a cool, cool sweat ?
? l gotta be cool, relax ?
? Get hip and get on my tracks ?
? Take a backseat, hitchhike ?
? Take a long ride on my motorbike ?
? Until l'm ready ?
? Crazy little thing called love ?
?? [ Electric Guitar ]
? Yeah ?
? l gotta be cool, relax ?
? Get hip and get on my tracks ?
- ? Take a backseat, hitchhike ?
- ? Oow, oow ?
- ? And take a long ride
on my motorbike ?
- ? Oooooh ?
- ? Until l'm ready ?
- ? Ready Freddie ?
? Crazy little thing called love ?
? This thing called love ?
? l just can't handle it ?
? This thing called love ?
? l must get round to it ?
- ? l ain't ready ?
- ? Ooh-ooh-ooh ?
? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? Yeah, yeah ?
- ? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? Yeah, yeah ?
- ? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? Yeah, yeah ?
- ? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? Yeah, yeah ?
- ? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? Yeah, yeah ?
- ? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? Yeah, yeah ?
- ? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? Yeah, yeah ?
- ? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? Yeah, yeah ?
- ? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? Yeah, yeah ?
- ? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? Yeah, yeah ?
- ? Crazy little thing called love ?
- ? Yeah, yeah ??