South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999) Movie Script
SINGING:
There's a bunch of birds in the sky
And some deers just went running by
Oh, the snow's pure and white
On the earth rich and brown
Just another Sunday morning
In my quiet mountain town
The sun is shining
And the grass is green
Under the three feet of snow I mean
This is the day
When it's hard to wear a frown
All the happy people stop
To say hello
- Out of my way!
- Even though the temperature's low
It's a perfect Sunday morning
In my quiet mountain town
Well, good morning, Stan.
- Mom, can I have $8 to see a movie?
- A movie?
It'll be the best movie ever.
A foreign film from Canada.
- All right. But be back for supper.
- Thanks, Mom.
SINGING:
Oh, what a picture-perfect child
Just like Jesus he's tender and mild
He'd wear a smile
While he wore a thorny crown
What an angel with a heart
So sweet and sure
And a mind so open and pure
Thank God we live
In this quiet redneck mountain town
STAN:
Dude! Dude, wake up!
STAN:
Kenny, come on!
The Terrance and Phillip movie is out.
You wanna come?
Where do you think you're going?
(KENNY MUMBLES)
You have to go to church!
Well, fine.
Go ahead and miss church.
When you die and go to hell,
you can answer to Satan!
KENNY:
Okay.
STAN SINGS: You can see your breath
Hanging in the air
You see homeless people
But you just don 't care
It's a sea of smiles
In which we'd be glad to drown
(KENNY MUMBLES)
That's right!
It's Sunday morning
In our quiet little
White-bread redneck mountain town
- Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
- Don't kick the baby.
Kick the baby.
Ike, you broke another window!
That's a bad baby. Bad baby!
We're going to
the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Oh, my God!
Kyle, where are you going?
- We're going ice-skating.
- Take your brother.
He's not even my real brother.
He's adopted.
Do as I say!
Okay, I'm sorry.
SINGING:
Look at those frail and fragile boys
It really gets me down
The world is such a rotten place
And city life's a complete disgrace
That's why I moved to
This redneck meshuggenah
Quiet mountain town
Ike! Bad baby!
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
Brought to you by Snacky Smores...
...the fun of s 'mores in a cookie.
Mom, somebody's at the door!
- Coming, hon.
- I can't see the TV!
It's been six weeks since Saddam
Hussein was killed by wild boars...
...and the world is
glad to be rid of him.
Eric, it's your little friends.
What are you doing here?
Sweet, dude. Yes!
SINGING:
Off to the movies we shall go
Where we learn everything
That we know
'Cause the movies teach us
What our parents don 't have time to say
And this movie's gonna
Make our lives complete
- 'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet
- Super sweet.
Thank God we live in the quiet little
Redneck Podunk white trash
U. S.A.
Can I have five tickets to
Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire?
No.
What do you mean?
Asses of Fire is rated R by the
Motion Picture Association of America.
You must be accompanied
by a parent or guardian.
- Why?
- This movie has naughty language!
Next, please.
- This can't be happening.
- We have to see it.
Screw it.
It probably isn't good anyway.
Cartman, what do you mean?
You love Terrance and Phillip.
But the animation's all crappy.
Wait. I've got an idea.
Hi. I want six tickets
to Asses of Fire.
This movie may not be appropriate
for the little ones.
He says this movie
isn't appropriate for you.
Mr. Homeless Guy,
if you don't want $ 10...
...to buy a bottle of vodka,
then be my guest.
Six tickets, please.
- Let me have some candy.
- Let's see.
I don't have any Jewish candy.
Like you need
all that chocolate, fat boy!
The movie's starting.
Hooray!
Terrance, what did the Spanish priest
say to the Iranian gynecologist?
I don 't know, Phillip. What?
(FARTS)
Where do they find this stuff?
You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip.
What did he say?
Why'd you call me a pig-fucker?
Well, let's see.
First of all, you fuck pigs.
Oh, yeah.
TERRANCE:
Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch.
You shit-faced cockmaster.
Wow!
"Shit-faced cockmaster."
You donkey-raping shit-eater.
"Donkey-raping shit-eater."
"Donkey-raping shit-eater."
- You'd fuck your uncle!
- You'd fuck your uncle!
SINGING: Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
You're a cocksucking
Ass-licking Uncle Fucker
Yes, it's true
Nobody fucks uncles quite like you
Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
You're the one that fucked your uncle
Uncle Fucker
You don 't eat or mow the lawn
You fuck your uncle all day long
(FARTING TO MUSIC)
What's going on here?
(FARTING TO MUSIC)
- What garbage.
- What do you expect? They're Canadian.
PEOPLE SING: Uncle Fucker
Uncle Fucker, Uncle Fucker
Uncle Fucker
Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
You're a boner-biting bastard
Uncle Fucker
- You're an uncle-fucker I must say
- You fucked your uncle yesterday
Uncle Fucker
That's U-N-C-L-E fuck you
Uncle Fucker
Suck my balls.
- That movie was fucking sweet!
- You bet your fucking ass it was!
Fuck, I wanna be
just like them.
Wait, where's your guardian?
I knew it! You paid a homeless guy
to get you in, didn't you?
Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit-eater.
KYLE SINGS: Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
BO YS SING: You're an ass-licking
Ball-sucking uncle-fucker
Where have you been all day?
Nowhere. We just went to go see
the Terrance and Phillip movie.
CLYDE:
How'd you get in?
Stop crowding us,
shit-faced cockmasters!
Wow!
You're all ass-ramming uncle-fuckers.
Ooo!
We've got to see this movie.
Terrance and Phillip are Canadian,
just like my brother.
STAN SINGS:
There's the girl that I like
Tell about when Terrance called Phillip
a testicle-shitting rectal wart.
Now more than ever
She gives me butterflies
It makes my stomach queasy
Every time she walks by
Asshole, I'm talking to you.
I know I can be cool
If I try
Hi, Stan.
Gross!
Wendy, let us try to jump
the hilly brush.
Who are you?
Gregory. I transferred from Yardale,
where I had a 4.0 grade point average.
WEND Y:
Want to skate with us?
We've been skating all morning,
laughing and talking of memories past.
We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Try and catch me, Wendy.
Bye, Stan.
I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Who wants to touch me?
I said, who wants to fucking touch me?
Ooo!
We gotta see the
Terrance and Phillip movie too.
I hate you, Kenny.
SINGING: Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
You're a boner-biting bastard
Uncle Fucker
MR. GARRISON:
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
We have a lot to learn today.
We sure do, Mr. Hat.
Let's start the day
with a few new math problems.
What is five times two?
Don't be shy.
Just give it your best shot.
- Yes, Clyde.
- 12?
Now let's get an answer from
someone who's not a complete retard.
Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.
I think I know the answer,
Mr. Garrison.
- Shut up, fat boy!
- Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
- Eric! Did you just say the F-word?
- "Jew"?
You can't say "fuck" in school,
you fucking fat ass.
- Kyle!
- Why the fuck not?
- Eric!
- You said "fuck" again.
- Stanley!
- Fuck!
What's the big deal? It doesn't
hurt anybody. Fuck, fuckitty, fuck.
How would you like to go see
the counselor?
How would you like to suck my balls?
What did you say?!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Actually, what I said was...
..."How would you like to suck my balls,
Mr. Garrison?"
Holy shit, dude.
I'm disappointed in you boys.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
I've called in your mothers...
- You called my mom?
MR. MACKEY: That's right.
Oh, no, dude!
- Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?
- M'kay, what?
What's the big fucking deal?
I want to know where you heard
these horrific obscenities, m'kay?
- Nowhere.
- We heard them from Mr. Garrison before.
I seriously doubt
that Mr. Garrison ever said...
..."Eat penguin shit,
you ass-spelunker."
Sweet.
Uh-oh!
Thank you for coming on short notice.
This isn't like you, Stanley.
What did my son say, Mr. Mackey?
Did he say the S-word?
No, it was worse than that.
The F-word?
Here's a short list of the things
they've been saying.
- Oh, dear God.
- What the heck is a rim job?
When you put your legs behind your head
and have someone lick your ass.
Tell Mr. Mackey this instant where
you heard all these horrible phrases!
We all swore ourselves to secrecy.
- The Terrance and Phillip movie.
- Dude!
I wanna get out of here.
Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians?
Excuse me.
What is Terrance and Phillip?
Terrance and Phillip are two
very untalented actors from Canada.
Nothing but foul language
and toilet humor!
I'll send a warning to parents before
more children see Terrance and Phillip.
- Everybody's fucking seen it.
- Eric!
I can't help myself. That movie has
warped my fragile little mind.
STAN SINGS:
There's the girl that I like
Over there laughing with that smart...
You're holding up
the goddamn lunch line!
Hello, there, children.
- Hey, Chef.
- How's it going?
- Bad.
- Why bad?
We got busted for swearing.
We can't ever see that movie again.
That's too bad.
You should've seen Kyle when
his mom showed up. He was scared.
- Shut up, Cartman!
- I'd be scared. Your mom's a bitch.
Don't call her a bitch,
you fat fuck!
Don't call me fat,
you fucking son of a bitch!
Where did you learn to talk like that?
CARTMAN:
Pretty fucking sweet, huh?
How do you make a woman like you
more than any other guy?
That's easy.
You just gotta find the clitoris.
- Huh?
- Oops!
What does "find the clitoris" mean?
Forget I said anything.
Move along.
You're holding up the line.
Do you know where I can find
the clitoris?
- The what?
- Is that like finding Jesus?
MR. MACKEY OVER P. A:
Attention, students.
We are now enforcing a new dress code
at South Park Elementary.
Terrance and Phillip shirts are
not allowed in school.
Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip
shirt is to be sent home immediately.
KIDS:
Hooray!
The Canadian film, Asses of Fire,
is number one at the box office.
Is the film destroying
American youth?
Here with a special report is
a midget in a bikini.
The effects of the Canadian comedy
are far-reaching indeed.
All over America, children seem to be
influenced, like at this spelling bee.
This is for the silver medal.
Spell "forensics."
Why should I fucking
have to spell "forensics"?
Here you go. S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S.
Forensics.
The devastating impact of the duo
can also be seen with their hit song...
..."Shut Your Fucking Face,
Uncle Fucker."
RAPPING: Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
You're a boner-biting bastard
Uncle Fucker
I told you that we won 't stop
I told you that we won 't stop
Back to you, Tom.
Thanks. Shocking report.
The controversy began
in the town of South Park...
...where the PTA is trying
to ban the movie.
With us tonight is the head of the PTA,
Sheila Broflovski.
- And the Canadian minister of movies.
- Thanks for having me.
Parents are concerned about your
country's entertainment.
The film isn 't intended
for children...
But of course children will see it.
Can I finish?
We're surprised by your outrage.
- You just don 't care!
- Can I finish? Hello?
The U. S. Has graphic violence
on TV all the time.
We can 't believe a movie
with foul language pisses you off.
- Because it's evil!
- Can I finish?!
Please can I finish?!
Okay, I'm finished.
This film isn 't the first
troublesome thing to come out of Canada.
Let's not forget Bryan Adams.
Our government's apologized
for Bryan Adams on several occasions.
You Canadians are all the same,
with your beady eyes and flapping heads.
I resent that! I find that racist...
Our children are now addicted
to your puke!
You are a racist!
It'll take us weeks to erase the damage
this film has done to our children.
Kids, I want to welcome you
to rehabilitation, m'kay?
Your mothers insisted you be taken
from your schoolwork...
...and placed into rehab to learn
not to swear.
I don't belong with these rogues.
I attended Yardale and had
a 4.0 grade point average.
- You're a fucking faggot.
- M'kay, you see?
This is what I'm talking about.
We have to get you off of foul language.
- How are we gonna do that?
- Listen here.
RECITING: There are times when you get
Suckered in
By drugs and alcohol
And sex with women, m 'kay?
But it's when you
Do these things too much
That you've become an addict
And must get back in touch
SINGING: You can do it
It's all up to you, m 'kay
With a little plan
You can change your life today
Don 't spend your life
Addicted to smack
Homeless
Giving handjobs for crack
Follow my plan
And very soon you will say
It's easy, m 'kay
Instead of "ass" say "buns"
Like "kiss my buns"
Or "You're a buns-hole"
Instead of "shit" say "poo"
As in "bull poo"
And "This poo is cold"
With "bitch" drop the "T"
'Cause "bich" is Latin
For generosity
Don 't say "fuck" anymore
'Cause "fuck" is the worst word
That you can say
So just use the word "m 'kay"
We can do it
It's all up to us, m 'kay
With a little plan
We can change our lives today
You can change it today
Don 't spend your life
Shooting up in the trash
Homeless
Giving handjobs for cash
Follow this plan
And very soon you will say
It's easy, m 'kay
Step one
- Say "buns"
- Like "Kiss my buns"
Or "You're a buns-hole"
- Step two
- Instead of "shit" say "poo"
- As in "bull poo"
- And "This poo is cold"
- Step three
- With "bitch" drop the "T"
'Cause "bich" is Latin for generosity
- Step four
- Don 't say "fuck" anymore
It's the worst word
You can say
"Fuck" is the worst word
You can say
We shouldn 't say "fuck"
Fuck no!
You're cured
You can go
Don 't spend your life
Shooting up in the trash
Homeless
Giving handjobs for cash
Follow this plan
And very soon you will say
It's easy, m 'kay
Now you're cured. Take the rest of the
afternoon off for personal reflection.
Find your own constructive way
to better yourself, m'kay?
I hope you've learned
something through this experience.
I did. I learned that you are
a boner-biting, dick-fart fuck-face.
Want to see the northern lights?
You burned yourself to death
by lighting your fart.
I sure did, Phillip.
Uncle Fucker! Good night.
Oh, man. This movie rules.
Man, that movie gets better
every time I see it.
That part about lighting farts
is bullshit.
- You can't do that.
KENNY: Yes, you can.
No way.
(KENNY MUMBLES)
Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you $ 100
you can't light a fart on fire.
- Holy shit, dude!
- Look out!
Shit! Shit!
Help! Somebody do something!
This stick is on fire!
Oh, my God! You killed Kenny!
You bastard!
I guess you can light a fart on fire.
DOCTOR: Load that IV with 70cc's
of sodium Pentothal.
NURSE:
We called the parents.
Our moms will find out
we went to the movie again.
DOCTOR:
Vacuum!
Try to untangle his trachea
and esophagus.
DOCTOR:
No, that doesn't go there!
- Gross, Stan!
- That's sick!
NURSE: Watch his liver!
ASSISTANT: I'll get it.
DOCTOR: We have little time left.
We'll lose him soon.
His heart stopped.
Get it out of there.
Zap this, quick!
Who's making a potato?
My bad. I missed lunch.
Damn it, I'm not gonna lose this kid!
DOCTOR:
Close him up. We've done all we can.
The rest is up to God.
DOCTOR: Kenny, can you hear me?
KENNY: Shit, dude.
How are you feeling?
Great. Son, I have some bad news.
We replaced your heart with a potato.
You have three seconds to live.
- Fucking weak, dude!
- Oh, my God. They killed Kenny!
You bastards!
Damn it!
It never gets any easier!
I bet him he couldn't do it.
I bet him $ 100.
- It's not your fault.
- No, I'm stoked I don't have to pay.
That's real nice! He was your friend,
you fat fuck!
So, boys, you saw that movie again?
- Yes.
- Well, Kyle, I have had it!
You are grounded
for the next two weeks!
Grounded?
And you, Stan. Come on.
And you're grounded
for three weeks, Eric.
Why am I grounded more?
That's bullshit.
What, what, what?!
What was that word, young man?
MALE SINGER:
Little boy at peace
What is this place
Beyond the stars
Open up your eyes
What are these things
You're moving toward
Head so full of wonder
Worries in the past
Could it be
That you are free at last
No!
Little boy, you're going to hell
You said bad words, threw rocks at birds
Now this is your hotel
This ain 't Disneyland, it's hell
Little boy, it's time for you to pay
For not going to church
And staring at boobs every day
Thought you were in bed
Instead you're in hell
No, hell isn 't good
Hell isn 't good, hell
No, hell isn 't good
Hell isn 't good, yeah
Fuck-face, have you seen Gracie?
There is orderliness in the universe.
Parents, our children are
out of control!
This is what happens when toilet humor
is allowed to run rampant!
That's right.
Kenny set himself on fire...
...because he saw Terrance and Phillip
do it in that dirty movie.
We must stop dirty language from
getting to our children's ears.
We must go fight the source of it!
But what is the source?
That's easy.
SINGING: Times have changed
Our kids are getting worse
They won 't obey their parents
They just want to fart and curse
Should we blame the government
Or blame society
Or should we blame the images on TV
No, blame Canada!
Blame Canada
With all their beady little eyes
And flappin ' heads so full of lies
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
- We need to form a full assault
- It's Canada 's fault
Don 't blame me for my son Stan
He saw the darn cartoon
And now he's off to join the Klan
And my boy Eric once
Had my picture on his shelf
But now when I see him
He tells me to fuck myself
Well, blame Canada
Blame Canada
It seems that everything's gone wrong
Since Canada came along
They're not even a real country anyway
My son could've been a doctor
Or a lawyer rich and true
Instead he burned up like a piggy
On a barbecue
Should we blame the matches
Should we blame the fire
Or the doctors who allowed him to expire
Heck, no!
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
- With all their hockey hullabaloo
- And that bitch Anne Murray too
The smut and trash we must bash
The laughs and fun must be undone
We must lament and cause a fuss
Before somebody thinks of blaming us
SHELLEY:
All right, you turds, listen up!
Your moms are at a meeting
and they put me in charge of you.
But you're still grounded,
so you're not allowed to have any fun!
Any questions?
Shelley, where's the clitoris?
You all sit there and keep
your mouths shut...
...while I go listen to
my Britney Spears records.
Okay, it's clear!
Our next guests have
the number one movie in the world.
Please welcome Terrance and Phillip!
- Hello, Conan.
- Hello, Brooke Shields.
Some people claim that your Canadian
humor is just immature fart jokes.
That's not true.
Take this classic Canadian joke.
- Excuse me, Terrance.
- Yes, Phillip?
Gosh darn it!
- Good one. Cheers.
- Cheers, fuck-face.
You can't say that on TV.
Now Terrance smells like my ass.
I farted once on the set
of Blue Lagoon.
Does it make you nervous to be
in America?
Our organizations want you
arrested for destroying children.
- They'd have to find us first.
- You're right. Now!
Mothers Against Canada is placing you
under citizen's arrest!
- Mom?
- What's going on?
We have a court order for your arrest!
Phillip, we've been ambushed!
Here you go, Conan.
This little scrotum-sucker deceived us!
You are a bad man!
Don't listen to them.
You loved our movie, Conan.
We watched it together.
Remember? You laughed.
What have I done?
(CAR ALARM)
(TURNS ALARM OFF)
Did you see that?
They arrested Terrance and Phillip!
As Canadian ambassador...
...I condemn America's actions
in apprehending Terrance and Phillip.
The entire economy of Canada relies
on Terrance and Phillip.
Without them,
we'd have a recession.
What say you,
Mr. American Ambassador?
Fuck Canada!
Fuck you, buddy!
Terrance and Phillip
will not be released.
They'll be put on trial
for corrupting America's youth.
What's all the fuss about?
The fuss is aboot taking our citizens!
It's aboot not censoring our art!
It's aboot...
What's so goddamn funny?
Nothing. Could you tell us again
what your argument is all about?
This is not aboot diplomacy. This is
aboot dignity. It's aboot respect.
Aboot realizing that humor...
Release them, or we'll
give you something to cry aboot!
Pilot to bombardier.
We're nearing the target.
Bomb's ready, buddy.
(PHONE RINGS)
No, this is Billy Baldwin.
If you want Daniel Baldwin,
call his extension, stupid!
Alec, do you know what sucks
about being a Baldwin?
- No. What?
- Nothing!
BILLY:
You missed me!
Your mothers are making me throw away
my lesson plan and teach theirs.
How come our moms arrested
Terrance and Phillip?
Yeah.
Your moms are just upset.
They're probably all on their periods.
Not cool.
Wendy and I think
that was a sexist statement.
Sorry, but I don't trust anything that
bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Anyway, children, let's start off
with some vocabulary.
MR. MACKEY OVER P. A:
Attention, students.
What now?
Come to the gymnasium immediately
for a special announcement.
- What's going on, Chef?
- Something big, children.
I can't find the clitoris.
You have to help.
Stan, the clitoris is...
Take your seats.
They're about to announce it.
This is a state of emergency.
Now to the White House for
an announcement from the President.
My fellow Americans...
...at 5 a.m. Today,
a day which will live in infamy...
...the Canadians have bombed
the Baldwins.
In response to this, the U. S. Has
declared war on Canada.
- Oh, no.
- War?
- No, Gregory, no!
- This is bad. Hold on to me.
All the Baldwins are dead?
It's time for us to send
a message to Canadians.
In two days, the war criminals,
Terrance and Phillip...
...will be executed.
They're gonna kill them?
And now I'd like to bring up my newly
appointed Secretary of Offense...
...Ms. Sheila Broflovski.
Holy shit, dude!
My fellow Americans...
...our neighbor to the north
has abused us for the last time!
- I have a plan...
- Canadians want to fight us...
...because we won 't tolerate
their potty-mouths.
If it is war they want...
...then war they shall have!
Dude, this is fucking weak.
How could things be any worse?
Fallen one, I am Satan.
I am your god now.
(KENNY SCREAMS)
There is no escape.
Now feel the delightful pain.
SADDAM:
Hey, Satan.
Did you hear the news?
A war just broke out up on Earth.
Meet Saddam Hussein,
my new partner in evil.
You're hogging all the fun.
Man, this is getting me so hot!
Would you let me do my job?
Rub my nipples while I torture
this little piggy.
Could I talk to you over here?
I don't see why you have to belittle me
in front of people like that.
Relax, guy.
Sometimes, I think you don't have
any respect for me.
Come here, guy.
Who's my cream puff?
- I am.
- That's my baby.
I don't wanna be at war.
You think they'll kill
Terrance and Phillip?
Kyle, stop being a chicken shit
and stand up to your mother.
Smack her and say, "That's enough
of your shit, you bitch!"
Don't call my mom a bitch!
Stop it! This isn't helping.
We've gotta think. Let's see.
- What would Brian Boitano do?
- Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?
What's going on?
America thinks it has the right
to police the world.
Your government will kill two Canadians,
an action condemned by the U.N.
Home of the free, indeed.
Let's play tetherball.
This is about freedom of speech!
About censorship!
Be more political...
STAN SINGS:
There's the girl that I like
Now it appears
That she likes another guy
It must be because
He's political and stuff
I bet I could be political too
What do you think, Stan?
Damn it!
- This is all Kyle's mom's fault.
- Shut up, Cartman!
Kyle's mom started that damn club.
- All because she's a fat, stupid bitch.
- Don't say it, Cartman!
Well...
Don't do it, Cartman.
Well...
I'm warning you!
I'm sick of him calling my mom a...
SINGING: Kyle's mom 's a witch
The biggest bitch in the world
She's a stupid bitch
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls
Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!
Monday and Tuesday she's a bitch
Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch
On Sunday just to be different
She's a super King Kamehameha bitch
Come on, you all know the words.
Have you met Kyle's mom
She's the biggest bitch
In the world
She's a mean old bitch
And she has stupid hair
She's a bitch bitch bitch
She's a stupid bitch
Kyle's mom 's a bitch
And she's just a dirty bitch
Talk to kids around the world
It might go something like this
(NONSENSICAL LYRICS)
Have you met Kyle's mom
She's the biggest bitch
In the world
She's a mean old bitch
And she has stupid hair
She's a bitch bitch bitch
She's a stupid bitch
Kyle's mom 's a bitch
And she's just a dirty bitch
I really mean it
Kyle's mom
She's a big fat fucking bitch
Big old fat fucking bitch
Kyle's mom
What?
CARTMAN:
Oh, fuck.
SHEILA: Everyone, settle down.
As we continue to send troops
into Canada...
...M.A.C. Is also fighting the war
against potty-mouths here at home.
Here to present the V-chip
is Dr. Vosknocker.
The machinery of the V-chip
is very simple.
It is placed under the child's skin...
...emitting a small shock of electricity
whenever an obscenity is uttered.
Wait a minute. This chip somehow knows
if the child is swearing?
It's like a lie detector.
Certain things happen to you
when you swear, just like when you lie.
The chip picks up on this and gives
the subject a little prick.
Patient B-5, would you
step out here, please?
Patient B-5 here has been fitted
with the new V-chip.
My head hurts.
Don't worry about that.
Now, I want you to say "doggy."
Doggy.
Notice that nothing happens.
- Now say "Montana."
- Montana.
Good.
Now, "pillow."
Pillow.
All right. Now I want you to say
"horse-fucker."
Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.
Horse-fuck...
That hurt, goddamn...
Fuck!
Now I'd like you to say
"big, floppy donkey dick."
Success!
The child doesn't want to swear!
This isn't fair, you sons of bitches!
We will start putting V-chips
in all our children next week!
ANNOUNCER: Snacky Smores presents:
The March of War.
Let's hear it for our boys.
Clinton has called them
to fight the evil Canadians.
A full-scale attack was launched
on Toronto...
...after the Canadians ' last bombing,
which devastated the Arquettes.
For security measures,
our great government is rounding up...
...all citizens with Canadian blood
and putting them into camps.
Canadian-Americans are to report
to one of these death camps right away.
Did I say "death camps"?
I meant happy camps,
where you will eat the finest meals...
...have access to fabulous doctors
and exercise regularly.
Meanwhile, war criminals Terrance
and Phillip are prepped for execution.
Their execution will take place...
...during a fabulous USO show,
with guest celebrities, including...
...Big Gay Al and Winona Ryder.
Of course, the only way to see the
USO show is to sign up for the Army!
So join the Army and kill
some Canadian scum as we continue...
...the march of war.
Eat Snacky Smores.
We must rid ourselves
of anything Canadian.
Don't you like
Terrance and Phillip anymore?
Course not! Mommy says I hate Canadians
because they made me have a dirty mouth.
Burn it all!
- Hey, dudes.
- What's the matter, Cartman?
It's this V-chip. I hate it.
I can't say any dirty words.
- So you can't say "fuck"?
- No.
- And you can't say "shit"?
- No.
You can't say, "I'm Cartman,
the fattest piece of shit in the world"?
- Fuck you!
- Dude. Sweet!
This has gone far enough.
It's time we talked to our moms.
We're supposed to be grounded.
Come on, it's time for us
to get political.
Canada will no longer corrupt
our children!
Mom, can I talk to you?
Kyle, what are you doing here?
You are grounded.
Get back to the house
and stay there!
You too, Stanley.
You're going too far.
You can't kill Terrance and Phillip.
We must fight for
our children's futures!
- You started a war. You have to stop it.
- To make them safe again!
Our children are precious.
We must make a stand now!
Stop at nothing!
I told you she wouldn't listen.
We'll have to save
Terrance and Phillip ourselves.
- What?
- Think about it.
What would Brian Boitano do?
He'd rescue Terrance and Phillip
before they're executed.
We can't do anything.
Our moms' organization is too strong.
We'll round up all the grounded kids
and start our own organization.
An organization to help save
Terrance and Phillip.
Yeah, our own secret club.
- I guess that could work.
- We have to try.
SINGING: What would Brian Boitano do
If he was here right now
He'd make a plan and follow through
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics
Skating for the gold
He did two salchows and a triple lutz
While wearing a blindfold
When Brian Boitano was in the Alps
Fighting grizzly bears
He used his magical fire breath
And saved the maidens fair
So what would Brian Boitano do
If he were here today
I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
I want this V-chip out of me
It has stunted my vocabulary
And I just want my mom
To stop fighting everyone
For Wendy, I'll be an activist
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
He'd call the kids in town
And tell them to unite for truth
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
Someone say my name?
- Who are you?
- I'm Brian Dennehy.
What? No, not fucking Brian Dennehy!
Get the fuck out of here.
When Brian Boitano traveled through time
To the year 3010
He fought the evil robot king
To save the human race again
When he built the pyramids
He beat up Kublai Khan
Because Brian Boitano
Doesn 't take shit from anybody
So let's all stick together
And unite to stop our moms
We'll save Terrance and Phillip too
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
We'll save Terrance and Phillip too
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
SADDAM:
Hey, relax, guy.
SATAN:
There's nothing on.
You get cranky when you're tired.
I'm not cranky.
What started as a spat between the U. S.
And Canada is turning into WWIII.
World War III?!
Terrance and Phillip will be put
to death for crimes...
It has come to be.
The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh.
The time of prophecy is upon us.
I love when you get biblical.
You know exactly how to turn my crank.
No, I'm being serious.
It is the seventh sign.
What?
SATAN:
Behold...
...the first signs of my reign
have all come true:
The fall of an empire,
the coming of a comet...
...and now, when the blood of
these Canadians touches American soil...
...it will be our time to rise.
Yeah, man, I'm getting so hot!
Let's fuck!
Do you always think about sex?
I'm talking about important stuff here.
I'm just excited about taking over
the world! Come on!
Is sex the only thing
that matters to you?
I love you.
I want to believe that.
What do you say we shut off
that light and get close?
SATAN: Ow.
SADDAM: You like that, don't you, bitch?
We can use my dad's computer to call
the kids together.
Before we put a message out,
do a search on "clitoris."
Okay.
"Found: Eight million pages
with the word 'clitoris.'"
I'll just try the first one.
"You must be 18 to enter this website."
"Welcome to German Sick Fetish Video.
If you are under 18, do not..."
Well, okay.
(MALE VOICE IN GERMAN ON COMPUTER)
It's a lady getting pooed on!
- Is it Cartman's mom?
- Very funny.
It is Cartman's mom!
Son of a bit...!
Ike, you're too young for this stuff.
Bullshitah.
What's she doing now?
Okey-dokey.
(FARTING NOISE)
Click it off, dude!
What's wrong with German people?
Let's do what we came here to do
and put a message out.
I've gotta put out
an all-access e-mail.
- Goddamn, your mom sucks!
- Get to the message board!
Can't find a Canadian server.
I'll break into the mainframe.
They've got an access code!
I'll try to re-route the encryptions.
Here we go. "Want to help
Terrance and Phillip?
Sneak out after you get tucked into bed
tonight and meet at Carl's warehouse."
- Tell them we'll have punch and pie.
- We're not.
More people will come if they think
we have punch and pie!
"Punch and pie.
This is top-secret.
The password is..."
"La Rsistance."
NEWSCASTER ON RADIO:
So the draft will begin tomorrow...
...as more troops are needed
to invade the Canadian border.
The Canadian government pleads
for a peaceful resolution...
...but we're not listening.
Good night, hon.
Mom, when will the war be over?
I don't know, hon. Soon, we hope.
You want it to end quickly, huh?
- Mom?
- Yes, hon?
If you were in a German scheie video,
you'd tell me, right?
Sure, hon. Good night.
There's a ghost!
(MUMBLES)
Kenny, is that you?
(MUMBLES)
Satan? Satan is coming here?
Saddam Hussein?
That doesn't make sense!
Eric, what is it?
I saw him! I saw Kenny!
You poor dear.
You've been through so much.
I bet him he couldn't light a fart
on fire, and now he's pissed off.
I can't say "pissed off"?
The execution of Terrance and Phillip
is imminent.
Soon, Saddam and I will rule the world.
I got some new luggage
for our trip up to Earth.
Let's fuck to celebrate!
What's it like up on Earth?
Tell me about it again.
Let's not talk. Let's get busy.
Remember when you first got here?
We used to talk all night,
until the sun came up.
We would just lie in bed and talk.
Because I was waiting to
get you in bed.
How come you always want to make love
to me from behind?
Is it because you want to pretend
I'm somebody else?
Satan, your ass is gigantic and red.
Who am I gonna pretend you are?
Liza Minnelli?
Don't get all pissy!
SINGING:
Sometimes I think
When I look up real high
That there's such a big world up there
I'd like to give it a try
But then I sink
'Cause it's here I'm supposed to stay
But I get so lonely down here
Tell me, why's it have to be that way?
Up there, there is so much room
Where babies burp and flowers bloom
Everyone dreams, I can dream too
Up there
Up where the skies are ocean blue
I could be safe and live without a care
Up there
They say I don 't belong
I must stay below alone
Because of my beliefs
I'm supposed to stay where evil is sown
But what is evil anyway
Is there reason to the rhyme
Without evil there could be no good
So it must be good to be evil sometimes
Up there, there is so much room
Where babies burp and flowers bloom
Everyone dreams, I can dream too
Up there
Up where the skies are ocean blue
I could be safe and live without a care
Live without a care
If only I could live up there
I want to live, I want to live up
I want to live up there
- You're late!
- I had to ride my bike here.
- My behind is killing me.
- Your "behind"?
I have to say "behind" because
I get shocked if I say "ass."
Did you bring the punch and pie?
No. You guys, something happened.
I don't think Kenny's dead.
I saw him in my room.
I know, Cartman.
I see Kenny every day.
- You do?
- Sure, dude.
On the face of every child,
on the smile of every baby.
This was Kenny! He said that if
Terrance and Phillip die...
...Saddam Hussein and Satan will
come up and rule the world!
Saddam Hussein?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
KYLE:
Who is it?
GREGORY:
I'm here for La Rsistance.
KYLE:
What's the password?
GREGORY:
I don't know.
KYLE:
Guess.
GREGORY:
Bacon.
KYLE:
Okay.
Viva La Rsistance!
Oh, no! It's that kid!
This is the place.
Stan? You started La Rsistance?
You're more political than we thought.
GREGORY: Let us get this meeting
underway. Many others are coming.
A lot of people showed up.
Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be
killed, and we think that sucks ass!
We were to understand there'd be
pie and punch.
There isn't any.
Terrance and Phillip are
supposed to be killed...
...so we should prank call
a bunch of policemen...
...and have pizzas sent to them
that they didn't order.
Viva La Rsistance!
- May I?
- What?
Terrance and Phillip are being held
in a camp two kilometers from town.
They are to be executed tomorrow
during a star-studded USO show.
Tomorrow?
Once the show begins,
we'll have an hour...
...to get them out of their cell
and into this clearing.
There, we will rendezvous
and take them back to Canada.
Dude, Wendy's new guy is smart.
Meet me at the rendezvous point
at 10 p.m.
Sneaking in and breaking them out
will be dangerous...
...so I'll go myself.
No! We're going!
We started La Rsistance. We'll get
them and meet at the rendezvous point.
This will be very dangerous.
Are you quite sure?
Fuck that!
Do you want that V-chip in you forever?
We'll go. Let's run through the plan.
Oh, boy! Military action, Ned!
Let's kill us some goddamn Australians!
I think we're fighting Canadians.
Canadians, Australians,
what's the difference?
This uniform makes me feel like
a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat.
It sure does, Mr. Garrison.
I can't wait
for our first shore leave...
...so I can get me
some fucking poon tang.
Pay attention! Tomorrow night is
the USO show for all you troops.
There will be celebrities, followed by
the execution of Terrance and Phillip.
(CHEERING)
After the show, we will finally be
sending ground troops into Canada.
So let's strategize.
Map!
Our sources have told us
that the Canadians...
...are preparing for our invasion,
so we must use caution.
Each battalion has
a specific code name and mission.
Battalion 5, raise your hands.
You will be the all-important
first attack wave...
...which we will call
"Operation Human Shield."
Wait a minute!
Keep in mind Operation Human Shield
will suffer heavy losses.
Battalion 14?
Right. You are
Operation Get-Behind-the-Darkies.
You will follow Battalion 5.
Try not to get killed, for God's sake.
Are there are any questions?
Yes, soldier.
Have you ever heard
of the Emancipation Proclamation?
I don't listen to hip-hop.
After that, we will march into
the heart of Canada, and we will...
I'm gonna get you!
What's wrong with this thing?
It's fucking Windows 98!
Get Bill Gates in here!
You told us Windows 98 would be faster,
with better access to the Internet!
It is faster. Over five million...
All right, men, get lots of rest...
...and prepare to...
After you have Terrance and Phillip,
make your way to this ridge.
We will wait for you.
But not for long...
...so if you're not there at 10,
we'll have to leave.
You're brave, but you'll need help
from someone who's done this before.
- Here's the address of "The Mole."
- "The Mole?"
He is an expert in covert operations.
Your first task will be obtaining him.
Get lots of sleep. Tomorrow we will
all be risking our lives for freedom.
SINGING:
God has smiled upon you this day
The fate of a nation in your hands
And blessed be the children here
Who fight with all our bravery
Till only the righteous stand
You see the distant flames
They bellow in the night
You fight in all our names
For what we know is right
And when you all get shot
And cannot carry on
Though you die, La Rsistance lives on
You may get stabbed in the head
With a dagger or a sword
You may be burned to death
Or skinned alive or worse
But when they torture you
You will not feel the need to run
For though you die,
La Rsistance lives on
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
The country's gone awry
Tomorrow night these freaks will fry
Tomorrow night
Our lives will change
Tomorrow night
We'll be entertained
An execution, what a sight
Tomorrow night
There's so much room
Babies burp and flowers bloom
Tomorrow night up there is doomed
And so I will be going soon
Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
You're a boner-biting bastard
Uncle Fucker
- We may be out of luck
- Tomorrow night, we're pretty fucked
Why'd our mothers start this war
What are they fighting for
When did this song become a marathon
When Canada is dead and gone
There'll be no more Celine Dion
They may cut your dick in half
And serve it to a pig
And though it hurts, you'll laugh
And dance a dickless jig
That's the way it goes
In war you're shat upon
Though you die
La Rsistance lives on
I'm so excited. Just one more day
until we can take over the world.
I don't know if I can sleep,
if you know what I mean.
This book talks about how people
communicate differently.
I communicate by wanting you
to ask me questions, and you...
That is interesting. Let's fuck!
Saddam, I'm trying to have
a nice conversation with you!
Now that is just not appropriate!
Come on, I'm just fucking with you!
It's not real!
- Well, that's still not appropriate.
- Hey, daddy.
It's not real, either! Come on, guy!
KENNY:
What's wrong?
Soon the world will belong to me.
KENNY:
What's the matter, dude?
It's Saddam.
He doesn't nurture my emotions.
He just wants sex and can't learn
to communicate.
- Why don't you leave him?
- You're right.
I should leave him.
I'll tell him...
..."Saddam, I'm going to Earth
to rule alone!"
- I'm strong and I don't need him!
- Good for you!
SINGING:
Today's the day for the USO show
We're so happy we get to go
I don 't know but I've been told
Canadian pussy is mighty cold
Stay in the attic,
because if they find you...
...they'll put you in
a concentration camp.
Don't worry.
We'll put an end to this.
Then I'll make Mom come home,
and we'll all be a family again.
(IKE BABBLES)
- Hello?
- Hi.
We need to speak with The Mole.
I'm sorry. The Mole is grounded.
He can't come out and play.
- What?!
- He's a kid?
He said very naughty things about God.
Can we just talk to him
for five seconds?
Well, all right. Christophe!
We're gonna rescue Terrance
and Phillip from the USO show...
Who sent you?
Gregory! He said
you could sneak us in.
Are you telling me you intend
to break into the USO show...
...filled with thousands of soldiers
and break out Terrance and Phillip?
I thought it was a stupid idea too.
We're La Rsistance. We wanna save
Terrance and Phillip and stop the war.
I can't help you.
I'm grounded for the next three days.
So are we. Our parents think
we're home right now.
- Why are you grounded?
- Why?
Because God hates me.
He has made my life miserable.
So I call Him a cocksucking asshole,
and I get grounded.
- So will you help us?
- Very well.
Meet me in the backyard
in five minutes. Viva La Rsistance.
We'll show God that we won't fucking...
What? Christophe, get in here!
Coming, mother.
I must be strong. I must be strong.
Saddam, I need to talk to you.
Get packing, bitch. We have to go!
We're running out of time!
Saddam, sometimes you can love
a person very much...
...but still know
they aren't right for you.
What are you talking about?
You treat me like shit!
I'm leaving you!
I'm going up to Earth to rule alone.
No! No, you can't do that!
I'm sorry, but I have to be strong.
Give me another chance!
I have to go to Earth!
You don't have respect for me!
Sure I do, guy.
Please just hear me out.
SINGING:
Some people say that I'm a bad guy
They may be right
They may be right
But it's not as if I don 't try
I just fuck up, try as I might
But I can change, I can change
I can learn to keep my promises
I swear it
I'll open up my heart
And I will share it
Any minute now, I will be born again
Yes I can change, I can change
I know I've been
A dirty little bastard
I like to kill, I like to maim
I'm insane, but it's okay
'Cause I can change
It's not my fault that I'm so evil
It's society, society
You see my parents
Were sometimes abusive
And it made a prick of me
But I can change, I can change
What if you remain
A sandy little butthole
Don 't be such a twit
Mother Teresa won 't have shit on me
Just watch me change
Here I go, I'm changing!
You see, I've really matured.
All right.
Come on, we have to hurry.
SADDAM:
I love you.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen
of the American Army...
...welcome to the USO show.
Get ready for loads of entertainment
and fabulous celebrities...
...followed immediately by
the execution of Terrance and Phillip.
This is where those military bitches
intend to kill Terrance and Phillip.
Oh, my God!
God? He is the biggest bitch
of them all.
Hurry. We rendezvous
with the other kids at 10.
You realize we could be grounded
for two, even three weeks.
- We're willing to take that risk.
- Let's go.
ANNOUNCER: And now,
here are your hosts for the evening...
...Sheila Broflovski
and Big Gay Al.
(CHEERING)
Al, tonight is a very special night.
Do you know why?
They're having a sale at Merv's?
No. Because we're going
to abolish Canadian smut.
That's right, Sheila.
Bring out the condemned.
SHEILA:
Today is a great day for democracy!
This is worse than when you put your
dick in my mouth and took a picture.
I know, Terrance. I know.
While you're getting set up over there,
let's bring out our first act:
Yippie, the back-flipping dog!
Be careful not to touch this wire.
Motherfuck...
Fuck.
The show has started.
We're running out of time.
Do you see Terrance and Phillip?
Yes, but they are heavily guarded.
Dig from here,
so as not to be seen.
Come on, bitches.
Mole, do you know where
the clitoris is?
- The what?
- The clitoris.
I have to find it,
so I can get Wendy to like me.
Stop thinking with your dick!
Be on your toes, because I won't
be grounded again!
Not for you! Not for anybody!
Men, when you're out there
in the battlefield...
...and you're looking into
the beady eyes of a Canadian...
...as he charges you with
his hockey stick or whatever he has...
...and people are dying all around you,
just remember what the MPAA says:
"Deplorable violence is okay as long as
people don't say any naughty words."
That is what this war is all about.
(CHEERING)
What?
Shit!
Move, move.
We will split up here.
Let's synchronize watches.
- We don't have watches.
- You don't?
- You didn't say anything about watches.
- What do you think this is?
TV kiddie hour where we sit around
and lick Barney the Dinosaur's pussy?
This is real life, with consequences
you take to the grave.
- We don't have watches.
- Shit!
- Did you bring the mirror?
- Got it.
- And the rope?
- Check.
- And the buttfor?
- What's a "buttfor"?
For pooping, silly.
I'll dig under the stage, and with
that bedrock, I'll need more time.
Stan and Kyle, stall the show
anyway you can.
Keep that show going
until I get the prisoners.
MOLE: Cartman, over there is
the electrical box.
Shut it off before I return
with Terrance and Phillip...
...or the alarm will sound
and I'll be attacked by dogs.
- Got it?
- Okay.
You must shut off the alarms.
I fucking hate guard dogs!
I heard you,
you British piece of shit.
If anything goes wrong, make a sound
like a dying giraffe.
What's a dying giraffe sound like?
(MAKES ANIMAL NOISES)
Okay.
- Let's go.
- Be careful, dude.
Was my mother careful when she
stabbed me in the heart...
...with a clothes hanger,
while I was still in the womb?
Damn, that kid is fucked up.
AL:
How are those chairs coming?
Al, we're minutes away.
Super. Here is pint-sized pixie
and darling of the indie movie scene...
...Winona Ryder!
Hi, guys.
I'm super-psyched to be here today.
What you're doing for our country
is so cool.
I mean war, man. Wow, war.
You know? Wow.
Okay, and now for your enjoyment,
here's my famous Ping-Pong ball trick.
Oh, my!
"Shut off the power, Cartman.
This is very important, Cartman."
SOLDIER: Did you hear
what Winona Ryder's doing?
There. I didn't miss one.
That's my Ping-Pong ball trick!
That's all the acts we have
for tonight...
...so let's just get on with
the execution!
- No, we have to stall him.
- More! More!
Yeah! More!
You big sillies.
You want to see more of me?
Yeah! Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!
Well, I do have a little song I wrote
about the war.
But we haven't rehearsed.
Sing it!
I can't.
KYLE:
Sing the fucking song!
All right. If you insist,
I'll sing my song.
I believe it goes
a little bit like this.
SINGING:
Bombs are flying
People are dying
Children are crying
Politicians are lying too
Cancer is killing
Texaco 's spilling
The whole world's gone to hell
But how are you?
I'm super
Thanks for asking
I couldn 't be better
I must say
I'm feeling super
No, nothing bugs me
Everything is super when you're...
Don 't you think I look cute
In this hat
I'm so sorry Mr. Cripple
But I just can 't feel too bad
For you right now
Because I'm feeling
So insanely super
That even the fact that you can 't walk
Can 't bring me down
He's super
Thanks for asking
All things considered
He couldn 't be better he must say
I'm super
No, nothing bugs me
Don 't you think I look cute in this hat
These pants
This matching tie I got at Merv's
CHORUS: In the barracks
And the trenches as well
- Stick 'em up!
- Big Gay Al says you have to tell
Yes, he's super
And he's proud to be gay
Everything is super
When you're gay
When you're gay
Again! Again!
Who's there?
(KENNY MUMBLES)
Son of a gun! Heck!
They're coming?
But our moms won't listen to us.
AL: Okay, everybody, just want to
thank our wonderful sponsors...
He's almost got them.
We're here to rescue you.
Follow me through the tunnel.
You guys! Seriously.
I saw Kenny again.
Did you shut the alarm off?
- Cartman?
- Whoops.
Oh, shit!
(MAKING ANIMAL NOISES)
Hear that?
Sounds like a dying giraffe.
Shit!
- A spy!
- Get him!
Shit! Shit!
Oh, no!
Come on, Mole!
MOLE: Shit! Shit!
Fucking guard dogs! Shit!
The alarms went off.
That was my bad. Sorry.
Hold me. It's so very cold.
There is no hope. Get out.
- We can't leave without you.
- It's okay.
No, we can't.
We don't know where we are!
Where's your God
when you need him?
Where is your beautiful,
merciful faggot now?
Here I come, God.
Here I come, you fucking rat.
SINGING:
Now the light she fades
And darkness settles in
But I will find strength
- No, Mole, hang on.
- I will find pride within
- We'll get you home.
- Because although I die
- I can't face my mother.
- Our freedom will be won
Not alone.
Though I die
La Rsistance lives...
...on
Shit!
AL: Okay, here it is. The moment we've
all been awaiting: The execution!
The day is ours!
We have to tell them about
Saddam Hussein and Satan.
- No. My mom can't see me here.
- You have to stand up to your mother.
Gentlemen, do you have
any last words?
Last words? How's aboot,
"Get me the fuck out of this chair!"
How's that?
All right, anonymous, ready the switch.
STAN:
Wait!
- Stanley!
- Eric!
Kyle!
Go on, dude, tell her.
- I can't.
- You can't kill Terrance and Phillip.
If they die, Satan and Saddam Hussein
will take over the world.
(LAUGHING)
Throw the switch, Mr. Garrison.
I'm supposed to be anonymous.
Goodbye, bastards!
No!
The Canadians are attacking!
Run for your lives!
We have to shut off the power!
Fuck!
Some little fat kid saved us!
Wait! We have to get you
to the rendezvous point.
Ned, behind you!
CLITORIS:
Be not afraid.
Oh, my God!
Behold my glory.
What are you?
I am the clitoris.
The clitoris?
I found the clitoris!
Stan, you must not let Terrance and
Phillip's blood spill on the ground.
Tell me how to get Wendy to like me.
There are more important matters
right now.
I looked all over for you.
Tell me how to get Wendy to like me.
Dude, just have confidence in yourself.
Believe in yourself and others
will believe in you.
Chicks love confidence.
Now go. Hurry!
The clitoris has spoken.
WEND Y:
Stan, are you okay?
I see you failed. I should not
have sent a boy to do a man's job.
Come on!
We've got precious little time!
Die, Canadian, m'kay?
Did you hear that?
I farted.
You did? Just now?
KYLE: Terrance and Phillip!
CARTMAN: Get to the rendezvous point!
CARTMAN:
It's Mr. Garrison.
Children, take Mr. Hat.
Please get him out of here.
Holy shit!
This V-chip is getting all screwy.
Take cover in the trench!
Human Shield up front, then
Operation Get-Behind-the-Darkies.
Remember, Human Shield,
protect our tanks and planes too.
Holy mother of Jehoshaphat!
Fire on my command.
All right, squad, just like I told you.
One... two...
Do some people gonna die?
- Fire!
...three!
What in the...
Great plan, Chef.
Operation Human Shield, my ass!
My God, this is terrible.
This is what we wanted!
We wanted our children to be
brought up in a smut-free environment!
STAN'S MOM:
But we didn't want this.
Where are you going?
We're going to find our boys.
For God's sake, Sheila, we're
going to get them killed!
All those times I said
you were a big dumb Jew?
I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.
Yes, I am! I am a Jew, Cartman!
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Why am I still holding this?
MR. GARRISON:
Mr. Hat! No!
KYLE: Fuck this. I'm getting out
before I get in trouble.
I heard that.
I found the clitoris.
Now I can get Wendy to like me again.
Swell, Stan.
I guess all's well that ends well.
We can go home now. Dipshit.
What's wrong?
We can't let Terrance and Phillip die,
or the whole world will end.
Terrance, look!
There they are!
Phillip, we're done for!
All right, men! Fire!
Goodbye, Terrance.
What is this?
Don't shoot!
I'll take care of this.
Kids, get out of the way now!
Kyle!
I'm not going to let you kill them, Mom!
What, what, what?
I'm not moving!
Stand down. You can still see
fart jokes on Nickelodeon.
No! This is about
more than fart jokes!
This is about freedom of speech,
about censorship...
...and stuff.
What about Ike? Did you forget
your adopted son is Canadian?
I'm doing very important things.
But you never took the time
to talk to me.
Whenever I get in trouble,
you blame everybody else.
But I'm the one to blame.
Deal with me.
You keep fighting all these causes.
But I don't want a fighter.
I want my mom.
Poor little fella!
No!
Holy shit, dude!
Young man, you watch your mouth!
My time has come!
You are really fucked now!
It's Saddam Hussein! Shoot him!
What a dumb ass!
You have spilled
the blood of the innocent.
Now begins two million
years of darkness.
Good job, Ms. Broflovski.
Thanks a lot.
I was trying to make the world
a better place for children.
And you brought enough intolerance
to allow my coming.
Now, everyone bow down to me!
SADDAM:
Bend over!
What have we done?
Saddam, I'm the dark ruler, not you.
Relax.
Better seen, not heard.
(KENNY MUMBLES)
I can't.
Let's start by building
a big statue of me!
There, where that fat kid is standing.
Don't call me fat, buttfucker!
Yeah, Cartman, do it.
Damn! Shit!
Respect my fucking authority!
You need to watch your mouth, brat!
Dogshit taco!
Quick, do something.
Try this on for size.
Blood-drenched,
frozen tampon popsicle!
Buddy, I know I was mean before.
But don't worry, I can change.
Okay.
Not!
Fuck, shit, cock, ass,
titties, boner...
...bitch, muff, pussy, cunt,
butthole, Barbra Streisand!
What are you waiting for, bitch?
Destroy him!
You weak, stupid cum bucket.
Save me!
That's it!
I have had enough of you!
He spent so much time convincing me
I was weak and stupid...
...that I believed it myself.
I have you to thank, little one.
You showed me that I had
to get away from him.
Just make any wish you want
and I shall grant it.
(KENNY MUMBLES)
- Are you sure?
- What did he say?
His wish is for everything to go back
to the way it was before this war.
Kenny, you realize that means
you'd go back too.
KENNY:
I know.
(KENNY MUMBLES)
Very well, then.
I will pull my minions back.
I guess I'm destined
to live in hell alone.
Hello.
What's this?
Hi, there, little guy.
Would you like to go to hell with me?
Sure. I bet we can be
best friends, Mr. Satan.
Feel free to come back
and visit anytime.
I just might do that.
Thanks, Kenny.
Thanks for going back to hell for us.
You're a pal.
Goodbye, you guys.
I'm alive.
Where's Mr. Hat?
Wow. We were all dying
and now we're fine. That's super!
What the fuck's going on?
See, Mom? It was Cartman's filthy
fucking mouth that saved us all.
I'm sorry I didn't pay attention
to you, Kyle.
But what about Gregory?
- I never cared for Gregory.
- You didn't?
No, dude. Fuck Gregory!
Fuck him right in the ear!
Thank you, clitoris.
SINGING: Everything worked out
What a happy end
Americans and Canadians
Are friends again
So let's all join hands
And knock oppression down
Don 't you know our little lives
Are now complete?
'Cause Terrance and Phillip
Are sweet
Super sweet
Thank God we live in this
Quiet little pissant
Redneck Podunk jerkwater
Greenhorn one-horse mudhole
Peckerwood right-wing whistle-stop
Hobnail truck-driving
Old-fashioned hayseed inbred
Unkempt out-of-date
White trash
Kick-ass!
Mountain...
...town!
Look!
GELULA & CO., INC.
There's a bunch of birds in the sky
And some deers just went running by
Oh, the snow's pure and white
On the earth rich and brown
Just another Sunday morning
In my quiet mountain town
The sun is shining
And the grass is green
Under the three feet of snow I mean
This is the day
When it's hard to wear a frown
All the happy people stop
To say hello
- Out of my way!
- Even though the temperature's low
It's a perfect Sunday morning
In my quiet mountain town
Well, good morning, Stan.
- Mom, can I have $8 to see a movie?
- A movie?
It'll be the best movie ever.
A foreign film from Canada.
- All right. But be back for supper.
- Thanks, Mom.
SINGING:
Oh, what a picture-perfect child
Just like Jesus he's tender and mild
He'd wear a smile
While he wore a thorny crown
What an angel with a heart
So sweet and sure
And a mind so open and pure
Thank God we live
In this quiet redneck mountain town
STAN:
Dude! Dude, wake up!
STAN:
Kenny, come on!
The Terrance and Phillip movie is out.
You wanna come?
Where do you think you're going?
(KENNY MUMBLES)
You have to go to church!
Well, fine.
Go ahead and miss church.
When you die and go to hell,
you can answer to Satan!
KENNY:
Okay.
STAN SINGS: You can see your breath
Hanging in the air
You see homeless people
But you just don 't care
It's a sea of smiles
In which we'd be glad to drown
(KENNY MUMBLES)
That's right!
It's Sunday morning
In our quiet little
White-bread redneck mountain town
- Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
- Don't kick the baby.
Kick the baby.
Ike, you broke another window!
That's a bad baby. Bad baby!
We're going to
the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Oh, my God!
Kyle, where are you going?
- We're going ice-skating.
- Take your brother.
He's not even my real brother.
He's adopted.
Do as I say!
Okay, I'm sorry.
SINGING:
Look at those frail and fragile boys
It really gets me down
The world is such a rotten place
And city life's a complete disgrace
That's why I moved to
This redneck meshuggenah
Quiet mountain town
Ike! Bad baby!
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
Brought to you by Snacky Smores...
...the fun of s 'mores in a cookie.
Mom, somebody's at the door!
- Coming, hon.
- I can't see the TV!
It's been six weeks since Saddam
Hussein was killed by wild boars...
...and the world is
glad to be rid of him.
Eric, it's your little friends.
What are you doing here?
Sweet, dude. Yes!
SINGING:
Off to the movies we shall go
Where we learn everything
That we know
'Cause the movies teach us
What our parents don 't have time to say
And this movie's gonna
Make our lives complete
- 'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet
- Super sweet.
Thank God we live in the quiet little
Redneck Podunk white trash
U. S.A.
Can I have five tickets to
Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire?
No.
What do you mean?
Asses of Fire is rated R by the
Motion Picture Association of America.
You must be accompanied
by a parent or guardian.
- Why?
- This movie has naughty language!
Next, please.
- This can't be happening.
- We have to see it.
Screw it.
It probably isn't good anyway.
Cartman, what do you mean?
You love Terrance and Phillip.
But the animation's all crappy.
Wait. I've got an idea.
Hi. I want six tickets
to Asses of Fire.
This movie may not be appropriate
for the little ones.
He says this movie
isn't appropriate for you.
Mr. Homeless Guy,
if you don't want $ 10...
...to buy a bottle of vodka,
then be my guest.
Six tickets, please.
- Let me have some candy.
- Let's see.
I don't have any Jewish candy.
Like you need
all that chocolate, fat boy!
The movie's starting.
Hooray!
Terrance, what did the Spanish priest
say to the Iranian gynecologist?
I don 't know, Phillip. What?
(FARTS)
Where do they find this stuff?
You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip.
What did he say?
Why'd you call me a pig-fucker?
Well, let's see.
First of all, you fuck pigs.
Oh, yeah.
TERRANCE:
Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch.
You shit-faced cockmaster.
Wow!
"Shit-faced cockmaster."
You donkey-raping shit-eater.
"Donkey-raping shit-eater."
"Donkey-raping shit-eater."
- You'd fuck your uncle!
- You'd fuck your uncle!
SINGING: Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
You're a cocksucking
Ass-licking Uncle Fucker
Yes, it's true
Nobody fucks uncles quite like you
Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
You're the one that fucked your uncle
Uncle Fucker
You don 't eat or mow the lawn
You fuck your uncle all day long
(FARTING TO MUSIC)
What's going on here?
(FARTING TO MUSIC)
- What garbage.
- What do you expect? They're Canadian.
PEOPLE SING: Uncle Fucker
Uncle Fucker, Uncle Fucker
Uncle Fucker
Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
You're a boner-biting bastard
Uncle Fucker
- You're an uncle-fucker I must say
- You fucked your uncle yesterday
Uncle Fucker
That's U-N-C-L-E fuck you
Uncle Fucker
Suck my balls.
- That movie was fucking sweet!
- You bet your fucking ass it was!
Fuck, I wanna be
just like them.
Wait, where's your guardian?
I knew it! You paid a homeless guy
to get you in, didn't you?
Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit-eater.
KYLE SINGS: Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
BO YS SING: You're an ass-licking
Ball-sucking uncle-fucker
Where have you been all day?
Nowhere. We just went to go see
the Terrance and Phillip movie.
CLYDE:
How'd you get in?
Stop crowding us,
shit-faced cockmasters!
Wow!
You're all ass-ramming uncle-fuckers.
Ooo!
We've got to see this movie.
Terrance and Phillip are Canadian,
just like my brother.
STAN SINGS:
There's the girl that I like
Tell about when Terrance called Phillip
a testicle-shitting rectal wart.
Now more than ever
She gives me butterflies
It makes my stomach queasy
Every time she walks by
Asshole, I'm talking to you.
I know I can be cool
If I try
Hi, Stan.
Gross!
Wendy, let us try to jump
the hilly brush.
Who are you?
Gregory. I transferred from Yardale,
where I had a 4.0 grade point average.
WEND Y:
Want to skate with us?
We've been skating all morning,
laughing and talking of memories past.
We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Try and catch me, Wendy.
Bye, Stan.
I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Who wants to touch me?
I said, who wants to fucking touch me?
Ooo!
We gotta see the
Terrance and Phillip movie too.
I hate you, Kenny.
SINGING: Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
You're a boner-biting bastard
Uncle Fucker
MR. GARRISON:
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
We have a lot to learn today.
We sure do, Mr. Hat.
Let's start the day
with a few new math problems.
What is five times two?
Don't be shy.
Just give it your best shot.
- Yes, Clyde.
- 12?
Now let's get an answer from
someone who's not a complete retard.
Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.
I think I know the answer,
Mr. Garrison.
- Shut up, fat boy!
- Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
- Eric! Did you just say the F-word?
- "Jew"?
You can't say "fuck" in school,
you fucking fat ass.
- Kyle!
- Why the fuck not?
- Eric!
- You said "fuck" again.
- Stanley!
- Fuck!
What's the big deal? It doesn't
hurt anybody. Fuck, fuckitty, fuck.
How would you like to go see
the counselor?
How would you like to suck my balls?
What did you say?!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Actually, what I said was...
..."How would you like to suck my balls,
Mr. Garrison?"
Holy shit, dude.
I'm disappointed in you boys.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
I've called in your mothers...
- You called my mom?
MR. MACKEY: That's right.
Oh, no, dude!
- Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?
- M'kay, what?
What's the big fucking deal?
I want to know where you heard
these horrific obscenities, m'kay?
- Nowhere.
- We heard them from Mr. Garrison before.
I seriously doubt
that Mr. Garrison ever said...
..."Eat penguin shit,
you ass-spelunker."
Sweet.
Uh-oh!
Thank you for coming on short notice.
This isn't like you, Stanley.
What did my son say, Mr. Mackey?
Did he say the S-word?
No, it was worse than that.
The F-word?
Here's a short list of the things
they've been saying.
- Oh, dear God.
- What the heck is a rim job?
When you put your legs behind your head
and have someone lick your ass.
Tell Mr. Mackey this instant where
you heard all these horrible phrases!
We all swore ourselves to secrecy.
- The Terrance and Phillip movie.
- Dude!
I wanna get out of here.
Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians?
Excuse me.
What is Terrance and Phillip?
Terrance and Phillip are two
very untalented actors from Canada.
Nothing but foul language
and toilet humor!
I'll send a warning to parents before
more children see Terrance and Phillip.
- Everybody's fucking seen it.
- Eric!
I can't help myself. That movie has
warped my fragile little mind.
STAN SINGS:
There's the girl that I like
Over there laughing with that smart...
You're holding up
the goddamn lunch line!
Hello, there, children.
- Hey, Chef.
- How's it going?
- Bad.
- Why bad?
We got busted for swearing.
We can't ever see that movie again.
That's too bad.
You should've seen Kyle when
his mom showed up. He was scared.
- Shut up, Cartman!
- I'd be scared. Your mom's a bitch.
Don't call her a bitch,
you fat fuck!
Don't call me fat,
you fucking son of a bitch!
Where did you learn to talk like that?
CARTMAN:
Pretty fucking sweet, huh?
How do you make a woman like you
more than any other guy?
That's easy.
You just gotta find the clitoris.
- Huh?
- Oops!
What does "find the clitoris" mean?
Forget I said anything.
Move along.
You're holding up the line.
Do you know where I can find
the clitoris?
- The what?
- Is that like finding Jesus?
MR. MACKEY OVER P. A:
Attention, students.
We are now enforcing a new dress code
at South Park Elementary.
Terrance and Phillip shirts are
not allowed in school.
Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip
shirt is to be sent home immediately.
KIDS:
Hooray!
The Canadian film, Asses of Fire,
is number one at the box office.
Is the film destroying
American youth?
Here with a special report is
a midget in a bikini.
The effects of the Canadian comedy
are far-reaching indeed.
All over America, children seem to be
influenced, like at this spelling bee.
This is for the silver medal.
Spell "forensics."
Why should I fucking
have to spell "forensics"?
Here you go. S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S.
Forensics.
The devastating impact of the duo
can also be seen with their hit song...
..."Shut Your Fucking Face,
Uncle Fucker."
RAPPING: Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
You're a boner-biting bastard
Uncle Fucker
I told you that we won 't stop
I told you that we won 't stop
Back to you, Tom.
Thanks. Shocking report.
The controversy began
in the town of South Park...
...where the PTA is trying
to ban the movie.
With us tonight is the head of the PTA,
Sheila Broflovski.
- And the Canadian minister of movies.
- Thanks for having me.
Parents are concerned about your
country's entertainment.
The film isn 't intended
for children...
But of course children will see it.
Can I finish?
We're surprised by your outrage.
- You just don 't care!
- Can I finish? Hello?
The U. S. Has graphic violence
on TV all the time.
We can 't believe a movie
with foul language pisses you off.
- Because it's evil!
- Can I finish?!
Please can I finish?!
Okay, I'm finished.
This film isn 't the first
troublesome thing to come out of Canada.
Let's not forget Bryan Adams.
Our government's apologized
for Bryan Adams on several occasions.
You Canadians are all the same,
with your beady eyes and flapping heads.
I resent that! I find that racist...
Our children are now addicted
to your puke!
You are a racist!
It'll take us weeks to erase the damage
this film has done to our children.
Kids, I want to welcome you
to rehabilitation, m'kay?
Your mothers insisted you be taken
from your schoolwork...
...and placed into rehab to learn
not to swear.
I don't belong with these rogues.
I attended Yardale and had
a 4.0 grade point average.
- You're a fucking faggot.
- M'kay, you see?
This is what I'm talking about.
We have to get you off of foul language.
- How are we gonna do that?
- Listen here.
RECITING: There are times when you get
Suckered in
By drugs and alcohol
And sex with women, m 'kay?
But it's when you
Do these things too much
That you've become an addict
And must get back in touch
SINGING: You can do it
It's all up to you, m 'kay
With a little plan
You can change your life today
Don 't spend your life
Addicted to smack
Homeless
Giving handjobs for crack
Follow my plan
And very soon you will say
It's easy, m 'kay
Instead of "ass" say "buns"
Like "kiss my buns"
Or "You're a buns-hole"
Instead of "shit" say "poo"
As in "bull poo"
And "This poo is cold"
With "bitch" drop the "T"
'Cause "bich" is Latin
For generosity
Don 't say "fuck" anymore
'Cause "fuck" is the worst word
That you can say
So just use the word "m 'kay"
We can do it
It's all up to us, m 'kay
With a little plan
We can change our lives today
You can change it today
Don 't spend your life
Shooting up in the trash
Homeless
Giving handjobs for cash
Follow this plan
And very soon you will say
It's easy, m 'kay
Step one
- Say "buns"
- Like "Kiss my buns"
Or "You're a buns-hole"
- Step two
- Instead of "shit" say "poo"
- As in "bull poo"
- And "This poo is cold"
- Step three
- With "bitch" drop the "T"
'Cause "bich" is Latin for generosity
- Step four
- Don 't say "fuck" anymore
It's the worst word
You can say
"Fuck" is the worst word
You can say
We shouldn 't say "fuck"
Fuck no!
You're cured
You can go
Don 't spend your life
Shooting up in the trash
Homeless
Giving handjobs for cash
Follow this plan
And very soon you will say
It's easy, m 'kay
Now you're cured. Take the rest of the
afternoon off for personal reflection.
Find your own constructive way
to better yourself, m'kay?
I hope you've learned
something through this experience.
I did. I learned that you are
a boner-biting, dick-fart fuck-face.
Want to see the northern lights?
You burned yourself to death
by lighting your fart.
I sure did, Phillip.
Uncle Fucker! Good night.
Oh, man. This movie rules.
Man, that movie gets better
every time I see it.
That part about lighting farts
is bullshit.
- You can't do that.
KENNY: Yes, you can.
No way.
(KENNY MUMBLES)
Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you $ 100
you can't light a fart on fire.
- Holy shit, dude!
- Look out!
Shit! Shit!
Help! Somebody do something!
This stick is on fire!
Oh, my God! You killed Kenny!
You bastard!
I guess you can light a fart on fire.
DOCTOR: Load that IV with 70cc's
of sodium Pentothal.
NURSE:
We called the parents.
Our moms will find out
we went to the movie again.
DOCTOR:
Vacuum!
Try to untangle his trachea
and esophagus.
DOCTOR:
No, that doesn't go there!
- Gross, Stan!
- That's sick!
NURSE: Watch his liver!
ASSISTANT: I'll get it.
DOCTOR: We have little time left.
We'll lose him soon.
His heart stopped.
Get it out of there.
Zap this, quick!
Who's making a potato?
My bad. I missed lunch.
Damn it, I'm not gonna lose this kid!
DOCTOR:
Close him up. We've done all we can.
The rest is up to God.
DOCTOR: Kenny, can you hear me?
KENNY: Shit, dude.
How are you feeling?
Great. Son, I have some bad news.
We replaced your heart with a potato.
You have three seconds to live.
- Fucking weak, dude!
- Oh, my God. They killed Kenny!
You bastards!
Damn it!
It never gets any easier!
I bet him he couldn't do it.
I bet him $ 100.
- It's not your fault.
- No, I'm stoked I don't have to pay.
That's real nice! He was your friend,
you fat fuck!
So, boys, you saw that movie again?
- Yes.
- Well, Kyle, I have had it!
You are grounded
for the next two weeks!
Grounded?
And you, Stan. Come on.
And you're grounded
for three weeks, Eric.
Why am I grounded more?
That's bullshit.
What, what, what?!
What was that word, young man?
MALE SINGER:
Little boy at peace
What is this place
Beyond the stars
Open up your eyes
What are these things
You're moving toward
Head so full of wonder
Worries in the past
Could it be
That you are free at last
No!
Little boy, you're going to hell
You said bad words, threw rocks at birds
Now this is your hotel
This ain 't Disneyland, it's hell
Little boy, it's time for you to pay
For not going to church
And staring at boobs every day
Thought you were in bed
Instead you're in hell
No, hell isn 't good
Hell isn 't good, hell
No, hell isn 't good
Hell isn 't good, yeah
Fuck-face, have you seen Gracie?
There is orderliness in the universe.
Parents, our children are
out of control!
This is what happens when toilet humor
is allowed to run rampant!
That's right.
Kenny set himself on fire...
...because he saw Terrance and Phillip
do it in that dirty movie.
We must stop dirty language from
getting to our children's ears.
We must go fight the source of it!
But what is the source?
That's easy.
SINGING: Times have changed
Our kids are getting worse
They won 't obey their parents
They just want to fart and curse
Should we blame the government
Or blame society
Or should we blame the images on TV
No, blame Canada!
Blame Canada
With all their beady little eyes
And flappin ' heads so full of lies
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
- We need to form a full assault
- It's Canada 's fault
Don 't blame me for my son Stan
He saw the darn cartoon
And now he's off to join the Klan
And my boy Eric once
Had my picture on his shelf
But now when I see him
He tells me to fuck myself
Well, blame Canada
Blame Canada
It seems that everything's gone wrong
Since Canada came along
They're not even a real country anyway
My son could've been a doctor
Or a lawyer rich and true
Instead he burned up like a piggy
On a barbecue
Should we blame the matches
Should we blame the fire
Or the doctors who allowed him to expire
Heck, no!
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
- With all their hockey hullabaloo
- And that bitch Anne Murray too
The smut and trash we must bash
The laughs and fun must be undone
We must lament and cause a fuss
Before somebody thinks of blaming us
SHELLEY:
All right, you turds, listen up!
Your moms are at a meeting
and they put me in charge of you.
But you're still grounded,
so you're not allowed to have any fun!
Any questions?
Shelley, where's the clitoris?
You all sit there and keep
your mouths shut...
...while I go listen to
my Britney Spears records.
Okay, it's clear!
Our next guests have
the number one movie in the world.
Please welcome Terrance and Phillip!
- Hello, Conan.
- Hello, Brooke Shields.
Some people claim that your Canadian
humor is just immature fart jokes.
That's not true.
Take this classic Canadian joke.
- Excuse me, Terrance.
- Yes, Phillip?
Gosh darn it!
- Good one. Cheers.
- Cheers, fuck-face.
You can't say that on TV.
Now Terrance smells like my ass.
I farted once on the set
of Blue Lagoon.
Does it make you nervous to be
in America?
Our organizations want you
arrested for destroying children.
- They'd have to find us first.
- You're right. Now!
Mothers Against Canada is placing you
under citizen's arrest!
- Mom?
- What's going on?
We have a court order for your arrest!
Phillip, we've been ambushed!
Here you go, Conan.
This little scrotum-sucker deceived us!
You are a bad man!
Don't listen to them.
You loved our movie, Conan.
We watched it together.
Remember? You laughed.
What have I done?
(CAR ALARM)
(TURNS ALARM OFF)
Did you see that?
They arrested Terrance and Phillip!
As Canadian ambassador...
...I condemn America's actions
in apprehending Terrance and Phillip.
The entire economy of Canada relies
on Terrance and Phillip.
Without them,
we'd have a recession.
What say you,
Mr. American Ambassador?
Fuck Canada!
Fuck you, buddy!
Terrance and Phillip
will not be released.
They'll be put on trial
for corrupting America's youth.
What's all the fuss about?
The fuss is aboot taking our citizens!
It's aboot not censoring our art!
It's aboot...
What's so goddamn funny?
Nothing. Could you tell us again
what your argument is all about?
This is not aboot diplomacy. This is
aboot dignity. It's aboot respect.
Aboot realizing that humor...
Release them, or we'll
give you something to cry aboot!
Pilot to bombardier.
We're nearing the target.
Bomb's ready, buddy.
(PHONE RINGS)
No, this is Billy Baldwin.
If you want Daniel Baldwin,
call his extension, stupid!
Alec, do you know what sucks
about being a Baldwin?
- No. What?
- Nothing!
BILLY:
You missed me!
Your mothers are making me throw away
my lesson plan and teach theirs.
How come our moms arrested
Terrance and Phillip?
Yeah.
Your moms are just upset.
They're probably all on their periods.
Not cool.
Wendy and I think
that was a sexist statement.
Sorry, but I don't trust anything that
bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Anyway, children, let's start off
with some vocabulary.
MR. MACKEY OVER P. A:
Attention, students.
What now?
Come to the gymnasium immediately
for a special announcement.
- What's going on, Chef?
- Something big, children.
I can't find the clitoris.
You have to help.
Stan, the clitoris is...
Take your seats.
They're about to announce it.
This is a state of emergency.
Now to the White House for
an announcement from the President.
My fellow Americans...
...at 5 a.m. Today,
a day which will live in infamy...
...the Canadians have bombed
the Baldwins.
In response to this, the U. S. Has
declared war on Canada.
- Oh, no.
- War?
- No, Gregory, no!
- This is bad. Hold on to me.
All the Baldwins are dead?
It's time for us to send
a message to Canadians.
In two days, the war criminals,
Terrance and Phillip...
...will be executed.
They're gonna kill them?
And now I'd like to bring up my newly
appointed Secretary of Offense...
...Ms. Sheila Broflovski.
Holy shit, dude!
My fellow Americans...
...our neighbor to the north
has abused us for the last time!
- I have a plan...
- Canadians want to fight us...
...because we won 't tolerate
their potty-mouths.
If it is war they want...
...then war they shall have!
Dude, this is fucking weak.
How could things be any worse?
Fallen one, I am Satan.
I am your god now.
(KENNY SCREAMS)
There is no escape.
Now feel the delightful pain.
SADDAM:
Hey, Satan.
Did you hear the news?
A war just broke out up on Earth.
Meet Saddam Hussein,
my new partner in evil.
You're hogging all the fun.
Man, this is getting me so hot!
Would you let me do my job?
Rub my nipples while I torture
this little piggy.
Could I talk to you over here?
I don't see why you have to belittle me
in front of people like that.
Relax, guy.
Sometimes, I think you don't have
any respect for me.
Come here, guy.
Who's my cream puff?
- I am.
- That's my baby.
I don't wanna be at war.
You think they'll kill
Terrance and Phillip?
Kyle, stop being a chicken shit
and stand up to your mother.
Smack her and say, "That's enough
of your shit, you bitch!"
Don't call my mom a bitch!
Stop it! This isn't helping.
We've gotta think. Let's see.
- What would Brian Boitano do?
- Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?
What's going on?
America thinks it has the right
to police the world.
Your government will kill two Canadians,
an action condemned by the U.N.
Home of the free, indeed.
Let's play tetherball.
This is about freedom of speech!
About censorship!
Be more political...
STAN SINGS:
There's the girl that I like
Now it appears
That she likes another guy
It must be because
He's political and stuff
I bet I could be political too
What do you think, Stan?
Damn it!
- This is all Kyle's mom's fault.
- Shut up, Cartman!
Kyle's mom started that damn club.
- All because she's a fat, stupid bitch.
- Don't say it, Cartman!
Well...
Don't do it, Cartman.
Well...
I'm warning you!
I'm sick of him calling my mom a...
SINGING: Kyle's mom 's a witch
The biggest bitch in the world
She's a stupid bitch
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls
Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!
Monday and Tuesday she's a bitch
Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch
On Sunday just to be different
She's a super King Kamehameha bitch
Come on, you all know the words.
Have you met Kyle's mom
She's the biggest bitch
In the world
She's a mean old bitch
And she has stupid hair
She's a bitch bitch bitch
She's a stupid bitch
Kyle's mom 's a bitch
And she's just a dirty bitch
Talk to kids around the world
It might go something like this
(NONSENSICAL LYRICS)
Have you met Kyle's mom
She's the biggest bitch
In the world
She's a mean old bitch
And she has stupid hair
She's a bitch bitch bitch
She's a stupid bitch
Kyle's mom 's a bitch
And she's just a dirty bitch
I really mean it
Kyle's mom
She's a big fat fucking bitch
Big old fat fucking bitch
Kyle's mom
What?
CARTMAN:
Oh, fuck.
SHEILA: Everyone, settle down.
As we continue to send troops
into Canada...
...M.A.C. Is also fighting the war
against potty-mouths here at home.
Here to present the V-chip
is Dr. Vosknocker.
The machinery of the V-chip
is very simple.
It is placed under the child's skin...
...emitting a small shock of electricity
whenever an obscenity is uttered.
Wait a minute. This chip somehow knows
if the child is swearing?
It's like a lie detector.
Certain things happen to you
when you swear, just like when you lie.
The chip picks up on this and gives
the subject a little prick.
Patient B-5, would you
step out here, please?
Patient B-5 here has been fitted
with the new V-chip.
My head hurts.
Don't worry about that.
Now, I want you to say "doggy."
Doggy.
Notice that nothing happens.
- Now say "Montana."
- Montana.
Good.
Now, "pillow."
Pillow.
All right. Now I want you to say
"horse-fucker."
Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.
Horse-fuck...
That hurt, goddamn...
Fuck!
Now I'd like you to say
"big, floppy donkey dick."
Success!
The child doesn't want to swear!
This isn't fair, you sons of bitches!
We will start putting V-chips
in all our children next week!
ANNOUNCER: Snacky Smores presents:
The March of War.
Let's hear it for our boys.
Clinton has called them
to fight the evil Canadians.
A full-scale attack was launched
on Toronto...
...after the Canadians ' last bombing,
which devastated the Arquettes.
For security measures,
our great government is rounding up...
...all citizens with Canadian blood
and putting them into camps.
Canadian-Americans are to report
to one of these death camps right away.
Did I say "death camps"?
I meant happy camps,
where you will eat the finest meals...
...have access to fabulous doctors
and exercise regularly.
Meanwhile, war criminals Terrance
and Phillip are prepped for execution.
Their execution will take place...
...during a fabulous USO show,
with guest celebrities, including...
...Big Gay Al and Winona Ryder.
Of course, the only way to see the
USO show is to sign up for the Army!
So join the Army and kill
some Canadian scum as we continue...
...the march of war.
Eat Snacky Smores.
We must rid ourselves
of anything Canadian.
Don't you like
Terrance and Phillip anymore?
Course not! Mommy says I hate Canadians
because they made me have a dirty mouth.
Burn it all!
- Hey, dudes.
- What's the matter, Cartman?
It's this V-chip. I hate it.
I can't say any dirty words.
- So you can't say "fuck"?
- No.
- And you can't say "shit"?
- No.
You can't say, "I'm Cartman,
the fattest piece of shit in the world"?
- Fuck you!
- Dude. Sweet!
This has gone far enough.
It's time we talked to our moms.
We're supposed to be grounded.
Come on, it's time for us
to get political.
Canada will no longer corrupt
our children!
Mom, can I talk to you?
Kyle, what are you doing here?
You are grounded.
Get back to the house
and stay there!
You too, Stanley.
You're going too far.
You can't kill Terrance and Phillip.
We must fight for
our children's futures!
- You started a war. You have to stop it.
- To make them safe again!
Our children are precious.
We must make a stand now!
Stop at nothing!
I told you she wouldn't listen.
We'll have to save
Terrance and Phillip ourselves.
- What?
- Think about it.
What would Brian Boitano do?
He'd rescue Terrance and Phillip
before they're executed.
We can't do anything.
Our moms' organization is too strong.
We'll round up all the grounded kids
and start our own organization.
An organization to help save
Terrance and Phillip.
Yeah, our own secret club.
- I guess that could work.
- We have to try.
SINGING: What would Brian Boitano do
If he was here right now
He'd make a plan and follow through
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics
Skating for the gold
He did two salchows and a triple lutz
While wearing a blindfold
When Brian Boitano was in the Alps
Fighting grizzly bears
He used his magical fire breath
And saved the maidens fair
So what would Brian Boitano do
If he were here today
I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
I want this V-chip out of me
It has stunted my vocabulary
And I just want my mom
To stop fighting everyone
For Wendy, I'll be an activist
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
He'd call the kids in town
And tell them to unite for truth
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
Someone say my name?
- Who are you?
- I'm Brian Dennehy.
What? No, not fucking Brian Dennehy!
Get the fuck out of here.
When Brian Boitano traveled through time
To the year 3010
He fought the evil robot king
To save the human race again
When he built the pyramids
He beat up Kublai Khan
Because Brian Boitano
Doesn 't take shit from anybody
So let's all stick together
And unite to stop our moms
We'll save Terrance and Phillip too
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
We'll save Terrance and Phillip too
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
SADDAM:
Hey, relax, guy.
SATAN:
There's nothing on.
You get cranky when you're tired.
I'm not cranky.
What started as a spat between the U. S.
And Canada is turning into WWIII.
World War III?!
Terrance and Phillip will be put
to death for crimes...
It has come to be.
The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh.
The time of prophecy is upon us.
I love when you get biblical.
You know exactly how to turn my crank.
No, I'm being serious.
It is the seventh sign.
What?
SATAN:
Behold...
...the first signs of my reign
have all come true:
The fall of an empire,
the coming of a comet...
...and now, when the blood of
these Canadians touches American soil...
...it will be our time to rise.
Yeah, man, I'm getting so hot!
Let's fuck!
Do you always think about sex?
I'm talking about important stuff here.
I'm just excited about taking over
the world! Come on!
Is sex the only thing
that matters to you?
I love you.
I want to believe that.
What do you say we shut off
that light and get close?
SATAN: Ow.
SADDAM: You like that, don't you, bitch?
We can use my dad's computer to call
the kids together.
Before we put a message out,
do a search on "clitoris."
Okay.
"Found: Eight million pages
with the word 'clitoris.'"
I'll just try the first one.
"You must be 18 to enter this website."
"Welcome to German Sick Fetish Video.
If you are under 18, do not..."
Well, okay.
(MALE VOICE IN GERMAN ON COMPUTER)
It's a lady getting pooed on!
- Is it Cartman's mom?
- Very funny.
It is Cartman's mom!
Son of a bit...!
Ike, you're too young for this stuff.
Bullshitah.
What's she doing now?
Okey-dokey.
(FARTING NOISE)
Click it off, dude!
What's wrong with German people?
Let's do what we came here to do
and put a message out.
I've gotta put out
an all-access e-mail.
- Goddamn, your mom sucks!
- Get to the message board!
Can't find a Canadian server.
I'll break into the mainframe.
They've got an access code!
I'll try to re-route the encryptions.
Here we go. "Want to help
Terrance and Phillip?
Sneak out after you get tucked into bed
tonight and meet at Carl's warehouse."
- Tell them we'll have punch and pie.
- We're not.
More people will come if they think
we have punch and pie!
"Punch and pie.
This is top-secret.
The password is..."
"La Rsistance."
NEWSCASTER ON RADIO:
So the draft will begin tomorrow...
...as more troops are needed
to invade the Canadian border.
The Canadian government pleads
for a peaceful resolution...
...but we're not listening.
Good night, hon.
Mom, when will the war be over?
I don't know, hon. Soon, we hope.
You want it to end quickly, huh?
- Mom?
- Yes, hon?
If you were in a German scheie video,
you'd tell me, right?
Sure, hon. Good night.
There's a ghost!
(MUMBLES)
Kenny, is that you?
(MUMBLES)
Satan? Satan is coming here?
Saddam Hussein?
That doesn't make sense!
Eric, what is it?
I saw him! I saw Kenny!
You poor dear.
You've been through so much.
I bet him he couldn't light a fart
on fire, and now he's pissed off.
I can't say "pissed off"?
The execution of Terrance and Phillip
is imminent.
Soon, Saddam and I will rule the world.
I got some new luggage
for our trip up to Earth.
Let's fuck to celebrate!
What's it like up on Earth?
Tell me about it again.
Let's not talk. Let's get busy.
Remember when you first got here?
We used to talk all night,
until the sun came up.
We would just lie in bed and talk.
Because I was waiting to
get you in bed.
How come you always want to make love
to me from behind?
Is it because you want to pretend
I'm somebody else?
Satan, your ass is gigantic and red.
Who am I gonna pretend you are?
Liza Minnelli?
Don't get all pissy!
SINGING:
Sometimes I think
When I look up real high
That there's such a big world up there
I'd like to give it a try
But then I sink
'Cause it's here I'm supposed to stay
But I get so lonely down here
Tell me, why's it have to be that way?
Up there, there is so much room
Where babies burp and flowers bloom
Everyone dreams, I can dream too
Up there
Up where the skies are ocean blue
I could be safe and live without a care
Up there
They say I don 't belong
I must stay below alone
Because of my beliefs
I'm supposed to stay where evil is sown
But what is evil anyway
Is there reason to the rhyme
Without evil there could be no good
So it must be good to be evil sometimes
Up there, there is so much room
Where babies burp and flowers bloom
Everyone dreams, I can dream too
Up there
Up where the skies are ocean blue
I could be safe and live without a care
Live without a care
If only I could live up there
I want to live, I want to live up
I want to live up there
- You're late!
- I had to ride my bike here.
- My behind is killing me.
- Your "behind"?
I have to say "behind" because
I get shocked if I say "ass."
Did you bring the punch and pie?
No. You guys, something happened.
I don't think Kenny's dead.
I saw him in my room.
I know, Cartman.
I see Kenny every day.
- You do?
- Sure, dude.
On the face of every child,
on the smile of every baby.
This was Kenny! He said that if
Terrance and Phillip die...
...Saddam Hussein and Satan will
come up and rule the world!
Saddam Hussein?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
KYLE:
Who is it?
GREGORY:
I'm here for La Rsistance.
KYLE:
What's the password?
GREGORY:
I don't know.
KYLE:
Guess.
GREGORY:
Bacon.
KYLE:
Okay.
Viva La Rsistance!
Oh, no! It's that kid!
This is the place.
Stan? You started La Rsistance?
You're more political than we thought.
GREGORY: Let us get this meeting
underway. Many others are coming.
A lot of people showed up.
Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be
killed, and we think that sucks ass!
We were to understand there'd be
pie and punch.
There isn't any.
Terrance and Phillip are
supposed to be killed...
...so we should prank call
a bunch of policemen...
...and have pizzas sent to them
that they didn't order.
Viva La Rsistance!
- May I?
- What?
Terrance and Phillip are being held
in a camp two kilometers from town.
They are to be executed tomorrow
during a star-studded USO show.
Tomorrow?
Once the show begins,
we'll have an hour...
...to get them out of their cell
and into this clearing.
There, we will rendezvous
and take them back to Canada.
Dude, Wendy's new guy is smart.
Meet me at the rendezvous point
at 10 p.m.
Sneaking in and breaking them out
will be dangerous...
...so I'll go myself.
No! We're going!
We started La Rsistance. We'll get
them and meet at the rendezvous point.
This will be very dangerous.
Are you quite sure?
Fuck that!
Do you want that V-chip in you forever?
We'll go. Let's run through the plan.
Oh, boy! Military action, Ned!
Let's kill us some goddamn Australians!
I think we're fighting Canadians.
Canadians, Australians,
what's the difference?
This uniform makes me feel like
a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat.
It sure does, Mr. Garrison.
I can't wait
for our first shore leave...
...so I can get me
some fucking poon tang.
Pay attention! Tomorrow night is
the USO show for all you troops.
There will be celebrities, followed by
the execution of Terrance and Phillip.
(CHEERING)
After the show, we will finally be
sending ground troops into Canada.
So let's strategize.
Map!
Our sources have told us
that the Canadians...
...are preparing for our invasion,
so we must use caution.
Each battalion has
a specific code name and mission.
Battalion 5, raise your hands.
You will be the all-important
first attack wave...
...which we will call
"Operation Human Shield."
Wait a minute!
Keep in mind Operation Human Shield
will suffer heavy losses.
Battalion 14?
Right. You are
Operation Get-Behind-the-Darkies.
You will follow Battalion 5.
Try not to get killed, for God's sake.
Are there are any questions?
Yes, soldier.
Have you ever heard
of the Emancipation Proclamation?
I don't listen to hip-hop.
After that, we will march into
the heart of Canada, and we will...
I'm gonna get you!
What's wrong with this thing?
It's fucking Windows 98!
Get Bill Gates in here!
You told us Windows 98 would be faster,
with better access to the Internet!
It is faster. Over five million...
All right, men, get lots of rest...
...and prepare to...
After you have Terrance and Phillip,
make your way to this ridge.
We will wait for you.
But not for long...
...so if you're not there at 10,
we'll have to leave.
You're brave, but you'll need help
from someone who's done this before.
- Here's the address of "The Mole."
- "The Mole?"
He is an expert in covert operations.
Your first task will be obtaining him.
Get lots of sleep. Tomorrow we will
all be risking our lives for freedom.
SINGING:
God has smiled upon you this day
The fate of a nation in your hands
And blessed be the children here
Who fight with all our bravery
Till only the righteous stand
You see the distant flames
They bellow in the night
You fight in all our names
For what we know is right
And when you all get shot
And cannot carry on
Though you die, La Rsistance lives on
You may get stabbed in the head
With a dagger or a sword
You may be burned to death
Or skinned alive or worse
But when they torture you
You will not feel the need to run
For though you die,
La Rsistance lives on
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
The country's gone awry
Tomorrow night these freaks will fry
Tomorrow night
Our lives will change
Tomorrow night
We'll be entertained
An execution, what a sight
Tomorrow night
There's so much room
Babies burp and flowers bloom
Tomorrow night up there is doomed
And so I will be going soon
Shut your fucking face
Uncle Fucker
You're a boner-biting bastard
Uncle Fucker
- We may be out of luck
- Tomorrow night, we're pretty fucked
Why'd our mothers start this war
What are they fighting for
When did this song become a marathon
When Canada is dead and gone
There'll be no more Celine Dion
They may cut your dick in half
And serve it to a pig
And though it hurts, you'll laugh
And dance a dickless jig
That's the way it goes
In war you're shat upon
Though you die
La Rsistance lives on
I'm so excited. Just one more day
until we can take over the world.
I don't know if I can sleep,
if you know what I mean.
This book talks about how people
communicate differently.
I communicate by wanting you
to ask me questions, and you...
That is interesting. Let's fuck!
Saddam, I'm trying to have
a nice conversation with you!
Now that is just not appropriate!
Come on, I'm just fucking with you!
It's not real!
- Well, that's still not appropriate.
- Hey, daddy.
It's not real, either! Come on, guy!
KENNY:
What's wrong?
Soon the world will belong to me.
KENNY:
What's the matter, dude?
It's Saddam.
He doesn't nurture my emotions.
He just wants sex and can't learn
to communicate.
- Why don't you leave him?
- You're right.
I should leave him.
I'll tell him...
..."Saddam, I'm going to Earth
to rule alone!"
- I'm strong and I don't need him!
- Good for you!
SINGING:
Today's the day for the USO show
We're so happy we get to go
I don 't know but I've been told
Canadian pussy is mighty cold
Stay in the attic,
because if they find you...
...they'll put you in
a concentration camp.
Don't worry.
We'll put an end to this.
Then I'll make Mom come home,
and we'll all be a family again.
(IKE BABBLES)
- Hello?
- Hi.
We need to speak with The Mole.
I'm sorry. The Mole is grounded.
He can't come out and play.
- What?!
- He's a kid?
He said very naughty things about God.
Can we just talk to him
for five seconds?
Well, all right. Christophe!
We're gonna rescue Terrance
and Phillip from the USO show...
Who sent you?
Gregory! He said
you could sneak us in.
Are you telling me you intend
to break into the USO show...
...filled with thousands of soldiers
and break out Terrance and Phillip?
I thought it was a stupid idea too.
We're La Rsistance. We wanna save
Terrance and Phillip and stop the war.
I can't help you.
I'm grounded for the next three days.
So are we. Our parents think
we're home right now.
- Why are you grounded?
- Why?
Because God hates me.
He has made my life miserable.
So I call Him a cocksucking asshole,
and I get grounded.
- So will you help us?
- Very well.
Meet me in the backyard
in five minutes. Viva La Rsistance.
We'll show God that we won't fucking...
What? Christophe, get in here!
Coming, mother.
I must be strong. I must be strong.
Saddam, I need to talk to you.
Get packing, bitch. We have to go!
We're running out of time!
Saddam, sometimes you can love
a person very much...
...but still know
they aren't right for you.
What are you talking about?
You treat me like shit!
I'm leaving you!
I'm going up to Earth to rule alone.
No! No, you can't do that!
I'm sorry, but I have to be strong.
Give me another chance!
I have to go to Earth!
You don't have respect for me!
Sure I do, guy.
Please just hear me out.
SINGING:
Some people say that I'm a bad guy
They may be right
They may be right
But it's not as if I don 't try
I just fuck up, try as I might
But I can change, I can change
I can learn to keep my promises
I swear it
I'll open up my heart
And I will share it
Any minute now, I will be born again
Yes I can change, I can change
I know I've been
A dirty little bastard
I like to kill, I like to maim
I'm insane, but it's okay
'Cause I can change
It's not my fault that I'm so evil
It's society, society
You see my parents
Were sometimes abusive
And it made a prick of me
But I can change, I can change
What if you remain
A sandy little butthole
Don 't be such a twit
Mother Teresa won 't have shit on me
Just watch me change
Here I go, I'm changing!
You see, I've really matured.
All right.
Come on, we have to hurry.
SADDAM:
I love you.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen
of the American Army...
...welcome to the USO show.
Get ready for loads of entertainment
and fabulous celebrities...
...followed immediately by
the execution of Terrance and Phillip.
This is where those military bitches
intend to kill Terrance and Phillip.
Oh, my God!
God? He is the biggest bitch
of them all.
Hurry. We rendezvous
with the other kids at 10.
You realize we could be grounded
for two, even three weeks.
- We're willing to take that risk.
- Let's go.
ANNOUNCER: And now,
here are your hosts for the evening...
...Sheila Broflovski
and Big Gay Al.
(CHEERING)
Al, tonight is a very special night.
Do you know why?
They're having a sale at Merv's?
No. Because we're going
to abolish Canadian smut.
That's right, Sheila.
Bring out the condemned.
SHEILA:
Today is a great day for democracy!
This is worse than when you put your
dick in my mouth and took a picture.
I know, Terrance. I know.
While you're getting set up over there,
let's bring out our first act:
Yippie, the back-flipping dog!
Be careful not to touch this wire.
Motherfuck...
Fuck.
The show has started.
We're running out of time.
Do you see Terrance and Phillip?
Yes, but they are heavily guarded.
Dig from here,
so as not to be seen.
Come on, bitches.
Mole, do you know where
the clitoris is?
- The what?
- The clitoris.
I have to find it,
so I can get Wendy to like me.
Stop thinking with your dick!
Be on your toes, because I won't
be grounded again!
Not for you! Not for anybody!
Men, when you're out there
in the battlefield...
...and you're looking into
the beady eyes of a Canadian...
...as he charges you with
his hockey stick or whatever he has...
...and people are dying all around you,
just remember what the MPAA says:
"Deplorable violence is okay as long as
people don't say any naughty words."
That is what this war is all about.
(CHEERING)
What?
Shit!
Move, move.
We will split up here.
Let's synchronize watches.
- We don't have watches.
- You don't?
- You didn't say anything about watches.
- What do you think this is?
TV kiddie hour where we sit around
and lick Barney the Dinosaur's pussy?
This is real life, with consequences
you take to the grave.
- We don't have watches.
- Shit!
- Did you bring the mirror?
- Got it.
- And the rope?
- Check.
- And the buttfor?
- What's a "buttfor"?
For pooping, silly.
I'll dig under the stage, and with
that bedrock, I'll need more time.
Stan and Kyle, stall the show
anyway you can.
Keep that show going
until I get the prisoners.
MOLE: Cartman, over there is
the electrical box.
Shut it off before I return
with Terrance and Phillip...
...or the alarm will sound
and I'll be attacked by dogs.
- Got it?
- Okay.
You must shut off the alarms.
I fucking hate guard dogs!
I heard you,
you British piece of shit.
If anything goes wrong, make a sound
like a dying giraffe.
What's a dying giraffe sound like?
(MAKES ANIMAL NOISES)
Okay.
- Let's go.
- Be careful, dude.
Was my mother careful when she
stabbed me in the heart...
...with a clothes hanger,
while I was still in the womb?
Damn, that kid is fucked up.
AL:
How are those chairs coming?
Al, we're minutes away.
Super. Here is pint-sized pixie
and darling of the indie movie scene...
...Winona Ryder!
Hi, guys.
I'm super-psyched to be here today.
What you're doing for our country
is so cool.
I mean war, man. Wow, war.
You know? Wow.
Okay, and now for your enjoyment,
here's my famous Ping-Pong ball trick.
Oh, my!
"Shut off the power, Cartman.
This is very important, Cartman."
SOLDIER: Did you hear
what Winona Ryder's doing?
There. I didn't miss one.
That's my Ping-Pong ball trick!
That's all the acts we have
for tonight...
...so let's just get on with
the execution!
- No, we have to stall him.
- More! More!
Yeah! More!
You big sillies.
You want to see more of me?
Yeah! Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!
Well, I do have a little song I wrote
about the war.
But we haven't rehearsed.
Sing it!
I can't.
KYLE:
Sing the fucking song!
All right. If you insist,
I'll sing my song.
I believe it goes
a little bit like this.
SINGING:
Bombs are flying
People are dying
Children are crying
Politicians are lying too
Cancer is killing
Texaco 's spilling
The whole world's gone to hell
But how are you?
I'm super
Thanks for asking
I couldn 't be better
I must say
I'm feeling super
No, nothing bugs me
Everything is super when you're...
Don 't you think I look cute
In this hat
I'm so sorry Mr. Cripple
But I just can 't feel too bad
For you right now
Because I'm feeling
So insanely super
That even the fact that you can 't walk
Can 't bring me down
He's super
Thanks for asking
All things considered
He couldn 't be better he must say
I'm super
No, nothing bugs me
Don 't you think I look cute in this hat
These pants
This matching tie I got at Merv's
CHORUS: In the barracks
And the trenches as well
- Stick 'em up!
- Big Gay Al says you have to tell
Yes, he's super
And he's proud to be gay
Everything is super
When you're gay
When you're gay
Again! Again!
Who's there?
(KENNY MUMBLES)
Son of a gun! Heck!
They're coming?
But our moms won't listen to us.
AL: Okay, everybody, just want to
thank our wonderful sponsors...
He's almost got them.
We're here to rescue you.
Follow me through the tunnel.
You guys! Seriously.
I saw Kenny again.
Did you shut the alarm off?
- Cartman?
- Whoops.
Oh, shit!
(MAKING ANIMAL NOISES)
Hear that?
Sounds like a dying giraffe.
Shit!
- A spy!
- Get him!
Shit! Shit!
Oh, no!
Come on, Mole!
MOLE: Shit! Shit!
Fucking guard dogs! Shit!
The alarms went off.
That was my bad. Sorry.
Hold me. It's so very cold.
There is no hope. Get out.
- We can't leave without you.
- It's okay.
No, we can't.
We don't know where we are!
Where's your God
when you need him?
Where is your beautiful,
merciful faggot now?
Here I come, God.
Here I come, you fucking rat.
SINGING:
Now the light she fades
And darkness settles in
But I will find strength
- No, Mole, hang on.
- I will find pride within
- We'll get you home.
- Because although I die
- I can't face my mother.
- Our freedom will be won
Not alone.
Though I die
La Rsistance lives...
...on
Shit!
AL: Okay, here it is. The moment we've
all been awaiting: The execution!
The day is ours!
We have to tell them about
Saddam Hussein and Satan.
- No. My mom can't see me here.
- You have to stand up to your mother.
Gentlemen, do you have
any last words?
Last words? How's aboot,
"Get me the fuck out of this chair!"
How's that?
All right, anonymous, ready the switch.
STAN:
Wait!
- Stanley!
- Eric!
Kyle!
Go on, dude, tell her.
- I can't.
- You can't kill Terrance and Phillip.
If they die, Satan and Saddam Hussein
will take over the world.
(LAUGHING)
Throw the switch, Mr. Garrison.
I'm supposed to be anonymous.
Goodbye, bastards!
No!
The Canadians are attacking!
Run for your lives!
We have to shut off the power!
Fuck!
Some little fat kid saved us!
Wait! We have to get you
to the rendezvous point.
Ned, behind you!
CLITORIS:
Be not afraid.
Oh, my God!
Behold my glory.
What are you?
I am the clitoris.
The clitoris?
I found the clitoris!
Stan, you must not let Terrance and
Phillip's blood spill on the ground.
Tell me how to get Wendy to like me.
There are more important matters
right now.
I looked all over for you.
Tell me how to get Wendy to like me.
Dude, just have confidence in yourself.
Believe in yourself and others
will believe in you.
Chicks love confidence.
Now go. Hurry!
The clitoris has spoken.
WEND Y:
Stan, are you okay?
I see you failed. I should not
have sent a boy to do a man's job.
Come on!
We've got precious little time!
Die, Canadian, m'kay?
Did you hear that?
I farted.
You did? Just now?
KYLE: Terrance and Phillip!
CARTMAN: Get to the rendezvous point!
CARTMAN:
It's Mr. Garrison.
Children, take Mr. Hat.
Please get him out of here.
Holy shit!
This V-chip is getting all screwy.
Take cover in the trench!
Human Shield up front, then
Operation Get-Behind-the-Darkies.
Remember, Human Shield,
protect our tanks and planes too.
Holy mother of Jehoshaphat!
Fire on my command.
All right, squad, just like I told you.
One... two...
Do some people gonna die?
- Fire!
...three!
What in the...
Great plan, Chef.
Operation Human Shield, my ass!
My God, this is terrible.
This is what we wanted!
We wanted our children to be
brought up in a smut-free environment!
STAN'S MOM:
But we didn't want this.
Where are you going?
We're going to find our boys.
For God's sake, Sheila, we're
going to get them killed!
All those times I said
you were a big dumb Jew?
I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.
Yes, I am! I am a Jew, Cartman!
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Why am I still holding this?
MR. GARRISON:
Mr. Hat! No!
KYLE: Fuck this. I'm getting out
before I get in trouble.
I heard that.
I found the clitoris.
Now I can get Wendy to like me again.
Swell, Stan.
I guess all's well that ends well.
We can go home now. Dipshit.
What's wrong?
We can't let Terrance and Phillip die,
or the whole world will end.
Terrance, look!
There they are!
Phillip, we're done for!
All right, men! Fire!
Goodbye, Terrance.
What is this?
Don't shoot!
I'll take care of this.
Kids, get out of the way now!
Kyle!
I'm not going to let you kill them, Mom!
What, what, what?
I'm not moving!
Stand down. You can still see
fart jokes on Nickelodeon.
No! This is about
more than fart jokes!
This is about freedom of speech,
about censorship...
...and stuff.
What about Ike? Did you forget
your adopted son is Canadian?
I'm doing very important things.
But you never took the time
to talk to me.
Whenever I get in trouble,
you blame everybody else.
But I'm the one to blame.
Deal with me.
You keep fighting all these causes.
But I don't want a fighter.
I want my mom.
Poor little fella!
No!
Holy shit, dude!
Young man, you watch your mouth!
My time has come!
You are really fucked now!
It's Saddam Hussein! Shoot him!
What a dumb ass!
You have spilled
the blood of the innocent.
Now begins two million
years of darkness.
Good job, Ms. Broflovski.
Thanks a lot.
I was trying to make the world
a better place for children.
And you brought enough intolerance
to allow my coming.
Now, everyone bow down to me!
SADDAM:
Bend over!
What have we done?
Saddam, I'm the dark ruler, not you.
Relax.
Better seen, not heard.
(KENNY MUMBLES)
I can't.
Let's start by building
a big statue of me!
There, where that fat kid is standing.
Don't call me fat, buttfucker!
Yeah, Cartman, do it.
Damn! Shit!
Respect my fucking authority!
You need to watch your mouth, brat!
Dogshit taco!
Quick, do something.
Try this on for size.
Blood-drenched,
frozen tampon popsicle!
Buddy, I know I was mean before.
But don't worry, I can change.
Okay.
Not!
Fuck, shit, cock, ass,
titties, boner...
...bitch, muff, pussy, cunt,
butthole, Barbra Streisand!
What are you waiting for, bitch?
Destroy him!
You weak, stupid cum bucket.
Save me!
That's it!
I have had enough of you!
He spent so much time convincing me
I was weak and stupid...
...that I believed it myself.
I have you to thank, little one.
You showed me that I had
to get away from him.
Just make any wish you want
and I shall grant it.
(KENNY MUMBLES)
- Are you sure?
- What did he say?
His wish is for everything to go back
to the way it was before this war.
Kenny, you realize that means
you'd go back too.
KENNY:
I know.
(KENNY MUMBLES)
Very well, then.
I will pull my minions back.
I guess I'm destined
to live in hell alone.
Hello.
What's this?
Hi, there, little guy.
Would you like to go to hell with me?
Sure. I bet we can be
best friends, Mr. Satan.
Feel free to come back
and visit anytime.
I just might do that.
Thanks, Kenny.
Thanks for going back to hell for us.
You're a pal.
Goodbye, you guys.
I'm alive.
Where's Mr. Hat?
Wow. We were all dying
and now we're fine. That's super!
What the fuck's going on?
See, Mom? It was Cartman's filthy
fucking mouth that saved us all.
I'm sorry I didn't pay attention
to you, Kyle.
But what about Gregory?
- I never cared for Gregory.
- You didn't?
No, dude. Fuck Gregory!
Fuck him right in the ear!
Thank you, clitoris.
SINGING: Everything worked out
What a happy end
Americans and Canadians
Are friends again
So let's all join hands
And knock oppression down
Don 't you know our little lives
Are now complete?
'Cause Terrance and Phillip
Are sweet
Super sweet
Thank God we live in this
Quiet little pissant
Redneck Podunk jerkwater
Greenhorn one-horse mudhole
Peckerwood right-wing whistle-stop
Hobnail truck-driving
Old-fashioned hayseed inbred
Unkempt out-of-date
White trash
Kick-ass!
Mountain...
...town!
Look!
GELULA & CO., INC.