Space Jam (1996)
Movie Script

Michael?
What are you doing? lt's after 12.
Couldn't sleep, Pops.
Neither can we,
with the noise you're making.
Let's go inside.
Just one more shot?
All right.
Just one.
Good. Shoot it again.
Getting pretty good. Shoot till you miss.
You think if l can get good enough,
l can go to college?
lf you get good enough,
you can do anything you want.
l want to play at North Carolina.
That's a real fine school.
You can get a good education.
l want to play on a championship team.
Then l want to play in the NBA.
All right, let's slow down, son.
Shouldn't you get some sleep first?
Once l've done all that...
...l want to play baseball, like you.
Baseball. Yeah, now, that's a sport.
When you've done that...
...l suppose you're going to fly?
At this time...
...l've reached the pinnacle of my
basketball career and must retire.
The one good thing is that my
father had the opportunity...
...to see me play my last game.
That means a lot.
What'll you do now?
l've never really told anybody this,
except for one person.
l'm going to play professional baseball.
What are you going to play?
l don't know. As a kid, l was a pitcher.
l think outfield,
because it'll be hard for me to pitch.
Let's get out of here. This stinks.
Don't bring me again.
Don't bring me again.
Are you listening?
Did you hear him? Did you hear him?
That little brat is right.
l told you, if l've told you once...
...l told you a thousand, thousand,
thousand, thousand times!
We need new attractions!
New ones!
Get it?
Big, shiny new things.
Absolutely, sir.
Look at me and listen:
The customer is always right!
Right!
The customer is always right!
Exactly!
Always!
Right!
Okay, we need something.
We need something...
...nutty!
Something wacky.
Wacky!
We need something, something....
Looney? Oops!
Looney. Thank you!
Looney?
Yes! Looney!
Now you're talking!
Looney! Looney! That's it!
That's the word l was looking for!
Get the Looney Tunes.
Bring them here.
Sir, just noticing...
...they're from Earth.
What if they can't come?
What did you say?
What if they can't come?
Make them.
Cool.
Make them!
We're gonna get them!
Strike!
Looks good in that uniform.
Looks great. Can't teach that.
Can't teach it.
Thanks for autographing
that basketball for my kid.
l'm happy to do it.
Let's go!
Curve ball. Don't swing.
Don't...swing.
Ball!
Fastball, outside corner. Swing.
Strike!
That was your pitch.
l know, l missed it.
l'll get you another one.
Podolak!
Come here.
-l'm sorry, l didn't mean to--
-Come here!
Make sure that nobody bothers Michael.
l want him to be the happiest player.
Slider. Don't swing.
Strike three!
l told you not to!
l couldn't help it.
l know. Nice talking to you!
We're not worried.
Good cut.
That was a good-looking strikeout.
You look good when you strike out.
When l do, it looks nasty.
At least you look good. Good-looking.
Hi, Mr. Jordan.
l'm Stan Podolak.
Oh, jeez.
You okay?
That was a nasty fall.
l'm Stan Podolak, Mr. Jordan,
the Baron's new publicist.
l'm here to make your life easier.
Can l drive you somewhere?
You want me to pick up your laundry,
baby-sit your kids?
l am here to personally guarantee...
...that no one will ever bother you.
What was that?
Hang on!
-Hanging on!
-Hanging on!
Are we there yet?
-Bombastic!
-Cool.
You irascible bunny!
Come back here, you screwy rodent!
l'll be with you in a second, folks,
after l finish with nature boy here.
All right, you pesky rabbit.
l've got you now!
One small step for moi....
One giant leap for Moron Mountain!
And one whopper headache for Elmer Fudd.
Diminutive, ain't they?
We seek the one they call Bugs Bunny.
-Have you seen him?
-Where is he?
ls he around?
Bugs Bunny, Bugs Bunny.
Say, does he have great big long ears?
Like this?
Does he hop around...
...like this?
Does he say, ''What's up, doc?'' like this:
What's up, doc?
Nope! Never heard of him.
You know,
maybe there is no intelligent life...
...out in the universe after all.
Hold on there, Mr. Looney Tune.
What do you think we are? Stupid?
Don't move a muscle.
Okay, bunny, gather up your Tune pals.
-We're taking you for a ride.
-Move it.
Totally. All right.
So, like, where are we going?
Are we there yet?
-Sorry it took so long.
-Don't worry about it.
That exit on 65 wasn't clearly marked.
-Hold up, right here.
-Here?
Thanks, Sherm.
-Appreciate it.
-lt's Stan, Mike.
You can call me Sherm if you want.
l follow your career and l think you're
the greatest athlete that's ever lived.
How do l get out?
The door doesn't work.
lt's a classic.
lt's a classic, but it's got
a few peccadillos. Hold on.
A few?
lt's smoking too.
Thanks for the ride.
This is nice. This is a nice house.
Beautiful. What is that, Colonial?
lt's a nice house.
lf you need help with the house....
l'm fine, thanks.
You gave me a ride. Thanks.
l'll drive tomorrow, so l don't need a ride.
But thanks, though.
Too conspicuous?
Yeah.
Thanks, though.
-Tomorrow!
-See you tomorrow.
Come on! No, not today!
Get off me! Your breath!
Mr. Jordan, are you okay?
Get off of him, Charles!
Bad dog! Git!
Pooch, stop it!
Get off of him before l cook you!
Come on, come on, baby.
Get out!
Good game.
Hey, Jeff, you okay?
-How was your game?
-l don't want to talk about it.
How are you?
You're covered with drool!
That's your dog.
What's wrong with Jeff?
He lost 32 points in his average.
ls that all?
So that puts him at .685 or something.
He's batting what?
Smells good in here. What you cooking?
Chicken.
Chicken and what?
Collard greens.
Good. l need a good meal tonight.
ls everything okay?
l stunk up the place.
Hope baseball was a good idea.
It was another career
day for Michael Jordan.
What're you watching?
He had 3 strikeouts.
ls this the only thing on TV?
What's up with this?
His batting average is .214,
which is his weight.
Get this guy a tennis racquet!
Did everyone get mad at you?
No. Worse.
They were nice about it.
I know golf is your sport.
But not here.
You should open your stance.
lt might make you more aggressive.
You think so? l'll remember that.
Watching this hurt me more than you.
Why are you watching this stuff?
lt's bad for you.
There.
Road Runner.
Stop this cartoon!
We've got an emergency Cartoon
Character Union Meeting to go to.
Hey, wait for me! Hold your horses!
Where'd they go?
Stop the music!
Top duck coming through!
Jeez! lt's getting so a guy can't
even get himself wet around here!
What's the big emergency?
These little guys would like to
make an announcement. Here.
You...
...all of you...
...are now our prisoners!
Oh, we're in big trouble now.
We are taking you to our
theme park in outer space.
No fooling.
You'll be our slaves.
And placed on display for the
amusement of our customers.
Oh, fear clutches my breast.
We ain't a-going...
...nowheres!
Not so fast, doc.
You just can't turn us into slaves.
That would be bad.
You must let us defend ourselves.
Oh, yeah? Who says?
Just a sec.
Read.
What's this?
''Give them a chance
to defend themselves.''
Do we have to?
lt's a rule.
Okay. lt is in the rule book.
Una momento!
We must confer.
All right, troops. lt is for us to
choose a battlefield that affords us--
l got it.
Yes, Private Porkster?
How about we challenge them to a...
...spelling bee?
Say...
...we could have a bowling tournament.
Suffering succotash!
What's wrong with you?
Let's get a ladder...
...wait till the old lady's gone...
...and grab that little bird!
Whoa! Take a deep breath, Sly!
Okay, let's analyze the competition.
Now what are we looking at here?
We got a small race of invading aliens....
Small arms! Short legs!
Not very fast.
Tiny little guys.
Can't jump high.
We challenge you to a basketball game.
Basketball it is!
Basketball!
What is basketball?
-What's that?
-Beats me.
We didn't have that in school.
Lights!
Pardon me! Sorry.
Down in front!
An exhilarating team sport currently
growing rapidly in popularity...
...is basketball.
Unlike football and baseball,
only 5 men can play on a team.
It's a fast-paced, razzle-dazzle
game that requires quick wits...
...and even faster reflexes.
Here's how it's done professionally.
The National Basketball Association...
...featuring the best players in the world.
The best players in the world!
The best!
Excuse me. Oh, so sorry.
Excuse me.
Get off my nose!
Quiet, they're looking!
lt's basketball!
Where?
Whoa! Now what?
-She's looking.
-Close it up.
Tightly.
You poked me again.
Sweetheart?
l thought you'd get better seats.
-This is the best l could get.
-This guy's doing something weird.
Just let me watch the game.
Barkley is killing us.
Someone's killing someone!
No. Seriously?
A killer!
Let me see!
There! That's the killer!
He's big.
He's good.
He's mine!
Go get him!
Come on! Get back on defense!
Let's go! Get back on d!
What are you doing?
Time out! Call time out!
What's wrong with you?
Let him in.
Open up!
Open!
He did it.
l got it! l got his talent!
Super.
-Sit down, Chuck.
-Man, l'm fine! l am fine!
l played you too much.
-l'm not tired!
-Get the doctor.
You all right?
You sure?
Come on, we're okay.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, Patrick. Showtime!
What's wrong with him?
In a shocking development, 5 NBA
players were put on the disabled list...
...in the last 24 hours, all suffering
from the same mysterious ailment...
...that affects the player's coordination.
l'll be home in a few days.
Put your mom on.
How you doing?
Watching TV?
What's going on?
-You gonna be all right?
-I'm ready, Coach.
Looks like l retired just in time.
l must go.
l'll call you later. Love you, bye.
lt's open!
lt's game time!
Lace up your Nikes.
Grab your Gatorade and we'll
get a Big Mac on the way.
Now we go to the Los Angeles Forum...
...where the Lakers are
refusing to take the court.
Get dressed.
We got a game in 5 minutes!
We're talking a huge fine.
We can't go in the locker room.
You heard what happened to
Barkley and Ewing. There's germs.
Cedric, that was in New York,
Bacteria travels faster
than the speed of light.
Like ''lnvasion of the Body Snatchers.''
All right.
Dress in the hallway.
Okay, okay, which one of you
maroons has ever played basketball?
l have, Coach.
And there's an important question
l must ask you.
What do you think?
l'm partial to purple and gold.
lt's better with my coloring.
Nice outfit, Daffy.
The little aliens say it's
their turn to use the court.
Sure, let the little pipsqueaks
knock themselves out.
Too bad you can't practice
getting taller, boys.
Hey, little pig!
l wet myself.
Time to play a little basketball.
These little pipsqueaks just
turned into superstars!
They're monsters!
Suffering succotash!
They're ''monstars''!
Bye-bye.
l think we might need some help.
Okay, little fella. You my friend?
Or my enemy?
You are my friend. You are my ally.
You are my associate,
my personal assistant.
You are my weapon. You are leaving.
-Great shot.
-Nice shot.
You can stop posing now.
Good try.
Not bad.
-Something for you to shoot at.
-Hit it good.
Do my best.
Good shot.
l know.
l must ask you something.
The NBA must face reality.
What's happening is serious.
They're going to need
new players with talent.
Skilled guys who never really
thought about a professional career.
Think l got a shot?
Come on, really?
Don't kid.
lt's a man's game.
-You can't play.
-What if l tried hard?
Keep it down.
lt's because l'm white.
No. Larry's white. So what?
Larry's not white. Larry's clear.
Get inside his ball!
You clowns can't beat that.
-My best shot ever.
-You haven't played long.
A Hall-of-Fame shot.
-Nice shot, Mr. Bird.
-Larry, please.
Nice shot, Mr. Larry.
Nice shot.
You can do this.
Don't be nervous, you can do this.
You feel the NBA has to face reality,
don't you?
Look for some players where
they never looked before.
Just look at the ball.
Visualize where you want it to go.
Be the ball.
Get off the tee.
Can't jump.
Go on.
Close to the pin?
For dinner?
-Sounds good.
-l'll go close to the pin.
l'll have some.
Not bad.
Good shot.
Get down.
Look at that spin.
Come on!
lt is alive!
My first hole in one.
Never seen one of these.
Nothing but the bottom of the cup.
-That's his ball too.
-Yeah, it's my ball.
Wait, let me get a picture!
You must smile.
Reach in for the ball and then smile, okay?
ls this good?
Just take the picture!
What kind of camera is that?
Don't point it at me.
-l didn't do anything!
-Where'd he go?
Look out for that first step,
doc, it's a real lulu.
Bugs Bunny?
You expected the Easter Bunny?
You're not real.
Not real? lf l weren't real, could l do this?
ls that Michael?
lt's Michael!
lt's Air Jordan.
Basketball!
l thought l saw....
l did. l did see Michael Jordan.
Pardon me, Mr. Jordan.
Can l have your auto--
Your John Hancock, please?
Let the doctor take a look.
A little high.
Going down!
So, what do you say we go for a little spin?
Let's see what we got inside here.
Say, ''Ahh.''
All right. He's okay!
What's going on here?
l thought you'd never ask.
These aliens from outer space want to
make us slaves in their theme park.
They're little. So we challenged
them to a basketball game.
Then, they ain't so little!
They're huge! We need to beat these guys.
They're talking about slavery!
They'll make us do stand-up,
the same jokes every night!
We'll be locked up like wild animals,
trotted out to perform...
...for a bunch of bug-eyed, fat-headed,
humor-challenged aliens!
What l'm trying to say is...
...we need your help!
l'm a baseball player now.
Right. And l'm a Shakespearean actor.
Mike?
Michael? lt's Stan.
Stan Podolak.
l need you to come out now, okay?
You got a baseball game tomorrow.
And I'd look pretty stupid
ifyou don't show up.
Think he's all right? l hate to leave him.
He's fine. l think he just had to
get away from that Stan character.
He's pathetic, isn't he?
l'll give us both twos. We weren't in
any kind of emotional state to putt.
l think that's fair.
lf Mike is gone, the NBA is
going to need some new people.
There's room at the top.
An exciting guy
who could even perform at half-time.
You know David Stern?
A phone call from you....
l want to help...
...but l haven't played in a long time.
My timing's off.
We'll fix it.
Look at our facility.
We got hoops.
We got weights.
We've got balls.
You sure do. This place is a mess.
You're worried about a mess?
There's nothing here a little
spit shine wouldn't fix.
Spit shine!
Lemony-fresh.
You guys are nuts.
Correction: We're Looney Tunes.
And as such are the exclusive property
and trademark of Warner Bros. lnc.
l'm here!
Me too!
That hurt.
Who are they?
Remember the tiny aliens l told you about?
You've heard of the Dream Team?
We're the Mean Team, wussieman!
Wussieman.
We're the Monstars.
M-o-n-....
Let's see what you got...
...chump!
l don't play basketball anymore.
''l don't play basketball anymore.''
Maybe you're chicken.
l say, l resemble that remark.
You calling me chicken?
Come here.
Here you go. Take him!
Watch the footwork.
Can you believe it?
Get out of the way!
Everybody.
Look at your hero now.
You guys are making a mistake.
You're all washed up, baldy!
Baldy?
He is not washed up!
-Michael's the greatest!
-Shut up!
My poor little cranium.
You okay?
Yeah, are you okay?
Whoops!
You're not scared of them...
...are you?
Let's play some basketball.
You're...!
You're Charles Barkley.
Girls! Come on over! Hurry up! Hurry!
Look! lt's Charles Barkley!
Can l play?
You're not Charles Barkley.
Just a wanna-be who looks like him.
Sorry.
Break out.
You shouldn't even be here! Be gone!
Wanna-be! Be gone!
Just a few more tests.
Electrolyte levels,
glucose, CBCs, RBCs, etc.
And we've scheduled a stress test...
...and neurological battery
to include EEG and....
And this girl...
...five feet nothing, blocked my shot.
When did you first have this dream?
lt wasn't a dream! lt really happened!
lt climbed up my back...
...and into my brain.
Are there other areas...
...besides basketball...
...where you find yourself...
...unable to perform?
No!
Just asking.
l've been MRl'd, EKG'd,
x-rayed, laser beamed....
l'll never swear again.
l'll never get another technical.
l'll never trash-talk.
l've got other skills.
l could go work on the farm.
Really?
Or maybe l could go back to
the jungle and be a missionary.
What are you saying?
That l'm trying to disobey my mama?
You said that, not me.
l love her.
Still can't find anything wrong!
Maybe nothing's wrong!
Maybe it's just in our head.
We're fine. lt's psychosomatic.
Or has to do with the moon.
l'll never date Madonna again.
What are you doing?
l'm fixing a divot.
He's fixing a divot!
Has anyone here ever played basketball?
l have.
l'd like to try out.
Hi. My name is Lola Bunny.
Lola?
Hello!
My name's Bugs.
You want to play one-on-one, doll?
''Doll''?
On the court, Bugs.
She's hot!
Ready?
l got it! l got it!
That girl's got some skills.
Don't ever call me...
...''doll.''
Check!
Nice playing with you.
Very smooth.
She's obviously nuts about me.
Obviously.
Mais oui.
Where's the ball?
Let's do some drills.
Can anyone lend me some sneakers?
Sneakers?
Sorry.
Someone must get my gear
from my house.
Your house?
ln 3-D land?
Whatever you do...
...remember my North Carolina shorts.
Your shorts? From college?
l wore them under my Chicago Bulls
uniform every game.
l washed them after every game!
l did!
The view back here stinks.
We're in front of his house.
l knew that!
Let's go in this way.
l say, let's go in that way!
He just never learns!
Let me see.
l must be very, very...
...close.
Mother!
Nice digs.
Well, well. l wonder who that could be.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
Everyone's sleeping!
l knew that.
Come on, we must find
Michael's basketball stuff.
Nope. Nothing in here.
Nope.
But a very nice dinette set.
Not here.
Let's look upstairs.
Yes, Oh, Fearless Leader.
So, he needs his special underwear.
Sorry.
You think she's got enough toys?
Speaking of toys,
you know all those mugs and...
...lunch boxes with our pictures on them?
You ever see any money from it?
-Not a cent.
-Me neither.
lt's a shame.
We need a new agent.
We're getting screwed.
We've found the trophy room.
Spread out and search the place.
Yes, sahib.
Oh, brother.
Here l am, in the peak of my form...
...playing second banana to
some sort of harebrain....
This could be useful.
lf this were a union job....
That's very nice.
-l could use this.
-One of his shoes.
Where is the other shoe?
Where are you?
Eureka!
Come to Papa.
What a fuzz-foot. You are so clumsy.
Catch.
Thanks.
Time to go.
Did we get everything?
The shorts!
ln there?
Okay, l'll check.
l found the shorts.
The pain!
l'm right behind you.
That's not reassuring.
Nice puppy.
Want a bone?
No dice.
How about a nice ham?
Can't we talk this over?
Down, Beethoven.
The kids are here.
Give it.
Here.
Thanks, kid.
Bad dog!
That is the last time l'm ever
working with dogs or children.
Where you going?
You see, the Looney Tunes have a
big basketball game coming up and...
-...your dad's playing.
-All right!
Yeah! But don't tell anybody!
l see aliens.
Little aliens from outer space.
They forced their way inside your bodies.
They need your talent to win a...
...basketball game against...
...Bugs Bunny.
l also see Michael Jordan...
...being sucked down a golf hole...
...by furry creatures.
That's it. We're going.
We're leaving.
Let's try acupuncture.
Good idea.
This is it! This is it!
l don't know where you are...
...but you obviously enjoy being
there more than being with me!
You better hope this Jordan
character still can play.
You and me both, brother.
Listen, how is this for a new team name:
The Ducks.
Please!
What kind of Mickey Mouse
organization would name a team that?
So sue me. lt's just a suggestion.
You're doing it!
You're becoming mighty!
Go!
No pain, no gain.
Guys?
Look who's finally ready to play!
Let's see if l remember how.
ls it really you?
Thank God you're all right!
l was so worried!
Come on, Stan. Don't hug me, please.
Sorry.
-Why are you here?
-l must take you back for practice.
l can't. l'm helping my friends
in their basketball game.
Your friends are cartoon characters.
Yeah. So?
lt doesn't bother me.
Let me help? Let me help! l can help!
What can you do?
l may not be tall, but...
...l'm slow.
And large.
And a dork!
l'll do anything! Anything!
Anything?
Anything.
Come here. Come here for a second.
Sit right here.
No problem.
All right! All right, let's go, team!
lf someone gets injured,
we could see a lot of minutes.
l'm a cheerleader.
Mr. Commissioner, the place is sealed off.
Quiet!
Listen. After meeting with team owners...
...l decided that until we can guarantee...
...the health of our players...
...there will be no more
basketball this season.
Just get out of my way.
Ready?
Let's go!
Are these the best seats?
Like them!
Can see everything from here! Very good!
Ready to go?
Yeah, sure.
Riot!
Ladies and gentlemen...
...the starting lineup for...
...the Tune Squad!
Standing 2 foot 4...
...The Wonder From Down Under...
...the Tazmanian Devil!
At small forward...
...standing a scintillating 3 foot 2...
...The Heartthrob of the Hoops...
...Lola Bunny!
At power forward...
...The Quackster of the Courts: Daffy Duck!
Thank you! Thank you!
Very funny.
Let's all laugh at the duck.
And at point guard...
...standing 3 foot 3,
...co-captain of the Tune Squad...
...The Doctor of Delight:
Bugs Bunny!
Thank you! Thank you!
And now...
...the player-coach of the Tune Squad...
...at 6 foot 6, from North Carolina...
...His Royal Airness:
Michael Jordan!
Who?
ls he a Looney Tune?
Perhaps.
Ready?
l'll take it to the rack.
They'll wish they never were born!
Guys, let's just go out and have fun.
The challengers for the Ultimate Game...
...all the way from Moron Mountain:
The Monstars!
Go Monstars! Go Monstars!
Go Monstars!
What are you looking at?
Cool shoes.
Ready?
l got it! l got the ball!
Way to go!
Did you see the moves on that one?
Come on. Show me something!
The duck!
Oh, my!
She was wide open.
Watch the screen!
Watch out!
Get him!
How did he do that?
Nice shot, Mr. J.
Let's play defense.
Way to go!
Air J!
Red light!
Feed me!
Feed you?
Feed me!
-Bad old putty tat!
-l'll take that.
Don't try this at home!
''l wish l was in the land of--''
Going somewhere?
May l remind you, sir...
...that physical violence is
patently against the rules!
Did you order Original Recipe
or Extra Crispy?
Let's go.
Me?
l'm ready. l can do this.
You picked the mouse?
l love basketball. l always have. Do you?
l bet you're good.
l'm small, but l try hard to be good.
l always try hard.
My mom says, ''Try your best--''
Try to get by me, doll.
''Doll''?
Don't ever call me...
...''doll.''
Nice shot.
There's the defense boy. l got you.
Pie? Pork chop?
Sorbet, perhaps?
Half-time.
Holy Putty Tat!
We're better than them.
We got them.
Moron Mountain, here we come.
We're going to be slaves.
There's a whole other half to play.
lt's the boss.
Hello, Mr. Swackhammer!
All right.
Not bad for the first half.
But we must keep this up.
No problem.
We stole talent from the NBA players!
From the NBA!
Shut up!
l smell something.
We've been playing hard.
Not you, you idiot!
lt's coming from over here.
That locker.
Look!
lt's the chubby boy!
lt smells like a...
...spy!
You guys need a publicist?
l can make you big.
-l know we're down.
-Let's hear the story.
l've been here before.
We can still win this.
lt's not over. We must come together.
We must believe in ourselves.
That'll help us.
Looks like Stan had a close
encounter with a bug-zapper.
The Monstars!
The Monstars!
That must hurt.
The Monstars!
The Monstars...
...stole the talent from the NBA players.
So that's what happened to them.
l think we should qui-- qui-- forfeit.
Listen, l didn't get dragged down
here to lose to ugly Monstars.
l ain't going out like that.
We're letting them push us!
We must fight back!
We must get right in their faces!
Well?
Are you with me or not?
Finished? Great speech and all.
You had them riveted.
But didn't you forget something?
Your secret stuff!
Nice deltoids!
Play along.
Stop hogging it.
We're teammates!
Secret stuff?
Secret stuff? You wouldn't
hold out on us, would you?
No.
l didn't think you needed it.
You're so tough. You're competitive.
We're also chicken. We need it bad.
-l'd like some of that.
-Could l have a sip, please?
This goes against everything
l learned in health class.
Do you want to win?
Bottoms up.
Yummy.
How about we go out
and kick some alien butt?
How about it? Ready?
Open!
Coming through!
Special delivery!
Nice kaboom.
Let's teach them a lesson.
Nice butt!
Going up!
Slammy!
Hello! A little surprise for you, my friends.
This will be good.
Okay, birdie!
Time out!
Shut up, get away from me. Powwow!
We're right back in this game.
Let's play tough defense.
Why didn't you get him?
He's a baseball player.
A baseball player.
Looks like a basketball player to me.
Me too.
He's the one l want for Moron Mountain.
Are you talking to me?
Yeah, l am. You want a piece of me?
Come and get it!
What do you have in mind?
What about we raise the stakes?
lnteresting.
lf we win, you give the NBA
players their talent back.
But what if we win?
lf you win?
You get me.
Good deal.
Doc, you think that's a good idea?
You'll be our star attraction.
You'll sign autographs all day long.
And play one-on-one with
the paying customers.
And lose.
Do we have a deal?
Deal.
l don't think you should do this.
l have faith in my team.
Crush them!
Defeating time, boys.
Good-bye!
Fore!
But, Mommy,
l don't want to go to school today.
l want to stay home
and bake cookies with you.
l'm open!
Heads up!
Belly flop!
Oh, my!
ls this your man?
You okay?
Me? Oh, yeah. l'm fine.
Are you okay?
Thank you.
lt was nothing.
That was the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Time out.
l could have been a contender!
The Monstars! The Monstars!
l could have had a V-8!
We need a fifth player.
You got any more secret stuff?
l think it's starting to wear off.
lt didn't wear off. lt was water.
You guys had the ''special stuff''
inside you all along.
Yeah, l knew that. But you got any more?
Can l have some?
-Stan?
-Me?
You're center.
Just guard the big guy.
Guard him? l'll smother him!
l'll be all over him like a cheap suit!
l'll be on him like stink on rice!
He's going down!
Over here!
Over here!
l'm open!
Nice shot!
Big man, ain't he?
Let's get him out of here!
Oh, my!
How'd he do that?
Anyone can do that.
Even you.
Watch this.
No sweat. This is Looney Tune Land.
Thanks for telling me, doc.
l hate to be the bearer of bad news,
Your Airness...
...but if you don't find a fifth player,
your team will forfeit the game.
Forfeit?
Precisely, Sir Altitude.
No way. We'll find someone.
l didn't know Dan Ackroyd
was in this picture!
Perhaps l could be of some assistance?
That's our fifth guy.
Now you get to live your dream. Let's go.
-We need to score 2 points.
-Here's how l see it.
You kick it to the girl
bunny down in the post.
You dish it to Bugs.
You swing it to Mike. You go to the hole.
-And dominate!
-We're on defense!
l don't play defense.
Typical.
You must listen to Mike on this.
Someone steal the ball,
get it to me and l'll score.
Don't lose that confidence!
Paws and wings in here! Okay!
This is why l was born.
l thrive on pressure.
Excuse me, sorry.
Easy on the trousers, Daf.
Pardon me. Mr. Murray,
something's really been bugging me.
Just how did you get here?
Producer's a friend of mine.
Had a teamster drop me off.
That's how it goes.
You see this chunky fellow?
That's good!
Let's do it!
Play fair.
Don't choke now. Come on.
lt's gut-check time!
This must be mine.
l'm going this way! l'm going left!
Never trust an Earthling!
Get the girl!
Come on!
l'm open!
-That's mine!
-Not today!
Bring it on, dude.
You're mine!
l'm open!
Never mind.
The Tunes win!
Nice pass.
Great stretch at the basket too.
You really got some skills.
You could play in the NBA.
Thanks, Mike.
l'll probably quote you on that.
But l'm going to take this opportunity
to retire from the game.
Come on.
No,
l'm going to retire right now and that's it.
l'm going to go out undefeated.
That's how it will be.
-You go celebrate.
-Come with us.
l'd like to, but l have to ice down my
knees now. They're starting to go.
Good-bye.
See you.
You sure?
Yes. Definitely sure. Definitely.
-Losers!
-Sorry.
-Choke artists!
-Sorry again.
Wait till l get you back
on Moron Mountain.
The party's over! Get in the spaceship.
Why do you take that?
Because he's bigger.
He's bigger?
Than we used...
...to be.
What're you doing?
-Wait! What are you doing? Wait!
-Come here.
Had it in you all the time.
One thing. Pass me the ball, Bugs.
Give my friends their talent back.
Do we have to?
lt's part of the deal. Touch the ball.
Fair is fair.
Touch it.
That was so much fun.
l feel so...
...insignificant.
My clothes don't fit.
What a trip!
l'm up for another!
Can we ask you a favor, Mr. Bunny?
We don't want to go back.
-We hate it there.
-lt stinks.
l was thinking, could we stay here?
Please!
Oh, brother.
l don't know if you guys
are looney enough.
Looney enough?
Do you know what time it is?
Seven-fift-- Seven-fift--
Quarter past seven.
You have a baseball game in 5 minutes!
Okay. Take this.
ls it safe?
Yeah, put it in my bag.
Let's go.
l enjoyed playing with you.
You've got a lot of....
Whatever it is, you got a lot of it.
Got to go.
Stay out of trouble.
You know l will.
Come here!
The delay is killing us.
Where's Michael?
Where is Michael?
He's not back from his other game.
What game?
What other game?
Ladies and gentlemen...
...Michael Jordan!
Guys...
...we suck!
My grandmother plays better.
You guys are still tall.
l'm nothing now. Just a short guy.
You're right.
That's the only thing you got right.
-Who's that?
-Who is it?
l don't know.
You've been getting beaten.
lt's Mike.
-What's up?
-Why're you here?
Don't be embarrassed.
Just face it.
You stink.
Lighten up.
l know.
You want your games back.
What games you had.
lt's hard enough as it is.
Give us a break.
l'm going to regret this.
Give me the ball.
lt's like ''Star Trek.''
Touch it.
No way, Jose.
You want your talent back? Just touch it.
-l don't know.
-Don't touch it.
You'll walk around with a bad game
for the rest of your career. Touch it.
Careful, Pat.
We've tried everything else.
Come on.
Touch it.
The rest of you.
Just touch it.
-What was that?
-l liked that.
l caught it!
Look at Mugsey handle the rock!
l can handle it again!
That's the old Mugs l know.
Yeah, get height now!
lt gave me my powers back!
Let me show you something.
The Round-Mound is back!
Want to see something?
That felt good!
-l got it.
-You got it. Yeah, baby.
Stay.
Play some 3-on-3 with us?
l don't think so.
You going to work on your swing?
Leave the baseball player alone.
He doesn't play basketball now.
He probably doesn't have it anymore.
Do you hear them?
They don't think you can play the game.
There's one way to find out.
The Chicago Bulls is
proud to welcome back...
...Michael Jordan!
What's the matter?
Larry could have been me.
Will you get off that kick? lt's over.
lt's done with. You can't play.
Let's go, Bulls!
Well, that's all, folks!
That's my line.
Step aside, Babe. Let a star do this.
That's all--
That's all, folks!
Can l go home now?