Team America: World Police (2004) Movie Script

Oh, hello.
Jean Francois?
Jean Francois?
Jean Francois.
You in the robes. Put down
the weapon of mass destruction
and get on the ground.
You're under arrest.
Put down your weapons now!
Why can't they ever do this
the easy way?
World Police.
Get down on the ground!
Hey, terrorist.
Terrorize this.
All right, let's make this interesting.
You lose.
- He's getting away with the WMD!
- I got him.
Damn, I missed him.
Sarah, he's got the bomb.
You got a fix?
I got him, Carson.
He's heading for the Louvre.
Your plans are over.
- All right, Sarah.
- Yeah, all right, team!
Nothing to it.
All right.
Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry.
Everything is bon.
We stopped the terrorists.
I was doing a lot of thinking
on the ride over here.
Oh, yeah? About what?
I was thinking that I want you
to marry me.
- Don't joke about that.
- Who's joking?
Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may
need to order up a wedding cake.
- He finally popped the question?
- Lisa, you're an amazing woman.
And a damn fine cop. And I want
to spend the rest of my life with you.
Oh, Carson. Carson...
- Feel so cold.
- You have to hang on, Carson.
Sorry, babe. Looks like this
was a one-way ticket.
Lisa, you have to live on.
Find someone else who will love you.
Find someone else and be happy.
You deserve...
Everyone has AIDS
Everyone has AIDS
And so this is the end of our story
And everyone is dead from AIDS
It took from me my best friend
My only true pal
My only bright star
He died of AIDS
Well, I'm gonna march on Washington
Lead the fight
And charge the brigades
There's a hero inside of all of us
I'll make them see
Everyone has AIDS
- My father
- My sister
My uncle and my cousin
And her best friend
The gays and the straights
And the whites and the spades
Everyone has AIDS
My grandma and my dog Ole Blue
- The pope has got it and so do you
Come on, everybody
We got quilting to do
We're gonna break down
These barricades
Everyone has
- Great job, Gary.
- Thanks. You too, Steve.
That was the greatest acting
I've ever seen.
I just don't know how you do it, Gary.
How do you make yourself
so somber and emotional
to make everybody cry like that?
It's not that hard, really. I just think
about the saddest moment in my life.
Man, wow. Gary is such a great guy.
Gary. Oh, no.
Help me! Help me!
Get off of me!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!
Hello, young man. Congratulations
on a terrific performance.
Oh, thank you.
I don't believe we've met, Mr...?
The name is Spottswoode.
- Well, nice to meet you.
- And you are Gary Johnston.
All-American actor who graduated
Iowa University summa cum laude
with a double major in theatre
and world languages.
You've been at the top of every
acting class since you were a child.
Top-gun actor.
Hey, hold on a second,
are you from Hollywood?
I have an incredible offer for you, Gary.
If you're interested, follow me this way.
Please, Gary, step into my car.
Oh, I get it.
I'm supposed to get in your car
and let you put your finger inside me.
Then if I go down on you,
I get a movie part.
No, I just want to show
you something.
- Yeah, I'll bet you do.
- Please, Gary,
I'm not from Hollywood.
I'm not going to fuck your mouth,
and my time is extremely valuable.
- Jesus, this is a nice limo.
- Yes, it is.
Now, suck my cock.
Just kidding.
All right, just what the hell
is this about?
I hate to break this to you, Gary,
but some people out there
want you dead.
- Dead?
- They're called terrorists, Gary.
And they hate everything about you.
Why? What did I do to them?
I'm just a Broadway actor.
It's not who you are, Gary,
it's what you stand for.
And every single minute
of every single day,
the terrorists are planning
new ways to kill you
and everyone else
who lives in a free country.
The only thing standing
in their way is us.
Baxter, I think we can
"valmorphanize" safely now.
Okay, a limousine that can fly.
Now I have seen everything.
Really? Have you seen a man
eat his own head?
- No.
- So then you haven't seen everything.
And neither have we.
Last week in Paris,
we caught four terrorists
with a weapon of mass destruction.
The terrorists are planning
something very big.
And just what does this have
to do with me?
Our only hope is to have somebody
act like a terrorist
who wants to help them
carry out the attack.
An actor convincing enough to make
the terrorists think he's one of them.
This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.
That's all spying is: Acting.
And they say you're the best.
An actor with a double major
in theatre and world languages?
Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary.
Look out!
Right this way,
you maverick renegade.
Welcome to Team Base.
Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback
from the University of Nebraska.
He's a natural-born leader.
I've heard a lot about your acting,
Mr. Johnston.
- Hope it's as good as they say it is.
- And this is Sarah,
the top empath from Berkeley's
School for the Clairvoyant
in San Francisco.
I sense that you're slightly
confused right now.
That's supposed to be Carson's
replacement, a fucking actor?
Don't mind Chris.
He may be lacking courtesy,
but he's the best martial-arts expert
Detroit has to offer.
That's right, actor.
Just stay the fuck away from me.
And finally, we have our
psychology expert. Where's Lisa?
Right here.
Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes
in how the terrorists think.
Usually a case of malignant narcissism
brought on during childhood.
We've been doing our best
to keep the world safe, Gary.
But now somebody has supplied
the terrorists with WMDs.
And intelligence tells us
they plan to use them.
Isn't that right,
- That is affirmative.
- I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?
The most sophisticated computer
in the world.
I've intercepted communications
that several terrorist groups
are being organized for one
massive worldwide attack.
From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Has gathered,
it would be 9/11 times 100.
9/11 times 100?
Jesus, that's...
Yes, 91,100.
Basically, all the worst parts
of the Bible.
So now you see why we need you.
We will disguise you as a terrorist and
take you deep into the Middle East.
If your acting is successful, you'll be
able to get us the information we need
to stop this whole thing
from happening.
Of course, if you're not interested...
...there's the door.
All right. Thanks.
Gary. Hey, hold on a second.
Don't you understand?
Every country in the world is in danger.
How is it my responsibility
to do something?
Because like it or not, you're the one
with the power to do something.
I can't fight terrorists. I don't know
anything about guns or jets.
That doesn't matter.
If you wanna help people,
all that matters, Gary,
is what you have here.
Just think about it, okay?
Here, take this.
Baxter will take you wherever
you wanna go. Just remember:
Your freedom's at stake too.
What do you think Spottswoode
sees in him?
I don't know. But I think I see it too.
Hey, Baxter.
I wanna take a detour.
What would you do
If you were asked to give up
Your dreams for freedom?
What would you do
If asked to make
The ultimate sacrifice?
Would you think about
All them people
Who gave up everything they had?
Would you think about
All them war vets
And would you start to feel bad?
Freedom isn't free
It costs folks like you and me
And if we don't all chip in
We'll never pay that bill
Freedom isn't free
No, there's a hefty fucking fee
And if you don't throw in
Your buck o'five, who will?
Buck o'five
Freedom costs a buck o'five
Our dear leader, Kim Jong II, says
the weapons of mass destruction
you requested are ready
for you to take.
I am still in the process of recruiting
and training new terrorists
for the attack.
We take weapons later.
He asks what part of the deal
you did not understand.
He says perhaps his translator
did not make it clear to you.
He says he should fire
his translator?
Do you have any idea
how fucking busy I am?
I cannot berieve that I have
a Chechnyan standing here terring me
when he's gonna take a derivery.
Perhaps we can be ready sooner.
Yes, perhaps you can.
Now, take your weapons
of mass destruction
and get the fuck out of here.
I had to come back.
- I know you did, son.
- I still say this is a fucking mistake.
Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're
making him feel intimidated.
Gary, I'm afraid there's no time.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Tells us
the attack is imminent.
We need you to act like
a Middle Eastern terrorist right away.
There's just one problem.
I don't look Middle Eastern.
Leave that to us.
Sarah's a professional at skin grafting
and laser "valmoriphication. "
Just try to be still.
The valmoriphication
completely worked.
Sit up and take a look, Gary.
It's uncanny.
You're going to fool everyone, Gary.
Or should I say...
All right, team, we've only got
one shot at this, so listen up.
Has intercepted communications
that terrorists from different countries
are gathering at a tavern here,
- in Cairo.
- Cairo. That's in Egypt.
Exactly right, Joe.
Now, team, your mission will be
to get Gary into that tavern.
And once he's on the inside,
cover his back.
Gary, you must use
your acting to find out
any information you can
from the terrorists.
Gary, if for some reason
your cover is blown
and the terrorists take you prisoner,
well, you'll probably want
to take your own life.
Here, you'd better have this.
All right, team, that's it.
We've got a job to do.
Let's go police the world.
Fuck, yeah
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
Fuck, yeah
Freedom is the only way, yeah
Terrorists, your game is through
'Cause now you have to answer to
Fuck, yeah
So lick my butt
And suck on my balls
Fuck, yeah
What if the old man is wrong
about him, huh?
What if he's not the great actor
Spottswoode says he is?
Why don't you trust actors, Chris?
I got my reasons.
You all right, Gary?
I was just thinking.
On-stage, if I mess up a line,
it could mean a bad review.
If I mess up here,
we're all dead.
I believe you can do this, Gary.
Why? What reason do you
have to believe?
Sometimes believing is all we have.
Fear not, Muslim friends.
We're here to find terrorists.
I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.
All right, good job, Sarah.
Now, everyone make for the tavern.
Let's get one thing straight, actor.
I don't trust you.
If you betray us, I'll rip your fucking
balls off and stuff them up your ass
so that the next time you shit,
you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
- What's your problem with me?
- Yeah, you wanna go?
Guys, guys, guys!
Don't you see this is just
what the terrorists want us to do?
The war is out there, man. Out there.
Now, pull it together.
All right, team, let's move
to the inner city. Keep it quiet.
- Clear.
- Clear.
- Clear.
- Clear.
Gary, you follow me.
The rest of the team,
take super-secret hiding positions
Alpha One.
All right, that's the tavern
with the blue door.
Act your way past those guards
and see what you can find out.
Remember, if you think they're
onto you, give us the signal.
You remember the signal?
That's right. All right, good luck.
Go get them, cowboy.
Oh, shit.
Come on, Gary, act.
You have the power.
- All right, Gary!
- Told you he was top gun.
- I've never seen acting that good.
- He's amazing.
Yeah, no, I know.
It's terrible, terrible.
We are Bashir rebels from
the country of Somalia. Who are you?
My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist.
Anybody know of any terrorist attacks
coming up soon?
I sense that I'm becoming
attracted to Gary.
My advice is not to get involved
with a team member, Sarah.
It's too painful to see them die.
I'm sorry, Lisa.
I didn't mean to bring up...
It's okay, Sarah.
I treasure your friendship.
I treasure yours, Lisa.
Hey, have you ever thought
of telling Sarah how you feel?
What would a girl like Sarah want
with a simple Nebraska boy like me?
I don't know nothing about fancy cars
and fancy restaurants.
Still, I'd love to show her
a full-moon night on the cornfields.
What do you know?
I heard there might be
a large terrorist attack.
If you tell me what it is,
maybe I could help out.
Get out of here. We have put out
a jihad on the infidels
because they destroyed our lives.
What do you know
about pain and sadness?
Gary. Help me! Help me!
Get him off!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!
I was just a boy when the infidels
came to my village
in their Black Hawk helicopters.
The infidels fired at the oil fields
and they lit up like the eyes of Allah.
Burning oil rained down from the sky
and cooked everything it touched.
I could only hide myself and cry
as my goats were consumed
by the fiery, black liquid death.
In the midst of the chaos,
I could swear that I heard my goats
screaming for help.
As quickly as they had come,
the infidels were gone.
It was on that day
I put a jihad on them.
And if you don't believe it,
then you better kill me now,
because I'll put a jihad on you too.
I like you. You have balls.
I like balls.
All right, listen carefully.
The WMDs are located
in a secret bunker 20 yards east
of this building.
You can help us by guarding it
and making...
Come. They're onto us!
Hurry, friend.
We must make our escape.
Shit. I've got five terrorists going
southeast on Baka laka daka Street.
Don't let them get away.
I sense Gary's trapped
inside the tavern.
Copy, Sarah. You get Gary,
we'll go after the terrorists.
Fuck, yeah
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
Fuck, yeah
Freedom is the only way, yeah
It's the dream that we all share
It's the hope for tomorrow
Go faster, you idiot.
Die! Infidels!
- They're not stopping.
- They had their chance.
Missed. Wide right.
One of the terrorists is trying
to tell us something.
It's me. It's me.
Looks like he's saying,
"Kiss me. Kiss me. "
Smartass motherfucker.
- Gary?
- An infidel.
Kill her.
- Sarah to Team America Four.
- What you got, Sarah?
Gary isn't in the tavern.
I think he may be with...
- Say again. You're breaking up.
- Joe, do you copy?
- I'll get him.
- Lisa?
I lost her.
It's all right. We'll kill these guys,
then we'll find out what she wants.
Hey, guys, I think
we should pull over.
Pull over? Yes, of course.
Pull over, let them pass us, and when
they turn around, we charge them.
I love your balls.
Shit, they got by me.
- What are we doing?
- This jeep is filled with explosives.
We're going to take their lives
and our own.
We're gonna what?
- Hang on, Joe.
- Die, infidels.
Surprise, cockfags!
All right. We fucking did it.
Spottswoode, it's Lisa. Gary found the
WMDs and the terrorists are down.
Great job, team. Head back to base
for debriefing and cocktails.
This is breaking news
with Peter Jennings.
Team America has once again
pissed off the entire world
after blowing up half of Cairo.
And now some Hollywood celebrities
are lashing out.
Alec Baldwin is head
of the Film Actors Guild.
The Film Actors Guild believes
that what the world needs
is compassion, not violence.
All that Team America
does is create new enemies.
Let me explain to you
how this works.
You see, the corporations
finance Team America.
And then Team America goes out,
and the corporations sit there in their...
In their corporation buildings,
and, see, they're all corporation-y,
and they make money.
Last year I went to Iraq.
Before Team America showed up,
it was a happy place.
They had flowery meadows
and rainbow skies
and rivers made of chocolate,
where the children danced
and laughed and played
with gumdrop smiles.
The actors are calling
for an emergency meeting.
Already expected to attend
are Helen Hunt,
George Clooney, Liv Tyler,
Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon,
Janeane Garofalo
and Matt Damon.
Matt Damon.
In the meantime, the world wants
to deal with dangerous individuals
their own way.
Hans Brix? Oh, no.
Oh, herro,
great to see you again, Hans.
Mr. II, I was supposed to be allowed
to inspect your palace today,
and your guards won't let me into
certain areas.
Hans, Hans, Hans. We've been
through this a dozen times.
I don't have any weapons
of mass destruction, okay, Hans?
Then let me look around so I can
ease the U.N.'s collective mind.
Hans, you're breaking my barrs here.
Hans, you're breaking my barrs.
I'm sorry, but the U.N. Must be
firm with you.
Let me see your whole palace
or else.
Or else what?
Or else we will be very,
very angry with you.
And we will write you a letter
telling you how angry we are.
Okay, I'll show you, Hans.
You ready?
Stand a rittle to your reft.
A rittle more.
There you go, Hans Brix.
How you rike that,
you fucking cocksucker?
Do you have any idea
how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?
Well, fuck you.
You want inspection?
Well, inspect that,
you buttfucking piece of shit.
What, you think I'm just
a petty arms dearer?
I'm pranning the attack.
Congraturations, Team America,
you have stopped nothing.
Congratulations, Gary.
You've done an amazing thing.
It will be years before the terrorists
have the resources to attack again.
We're gonna be unstoppable
with you on the team, Gary.
Terrorists, your game is through.
You're the best, Gary.
So this terrorist is shooting at us
from the back of his jeep, and he...
You might have all the others fooled,
but not me.
Your acting was reckless
and it put us all in danger.
The next time you pull a stunt like that,
I'll drill two holes through your dick
so that when you pee, it shoots out
in all different directions. You got it?
Hey, Sarah, do you mind
if I dance with you?
No, of course not, Joe.
Joe, do you think it's okay
for team members to date?
Sarah, really?
Yeah. Do you think it's all right?
I think it's better than all right.
It's great!
Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.
Gary? You okay?
I was just wondering if I can let go
of an old, painful memory.
Is it anything
that you wanna talk about?
When I was a kid, I always looked up
to my older brother, Tommy.
He was the jock,
and I was the little performer.
We were all out at the zoo one day.
I was doing some acting, walking
on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.
I fell in.
Everyone screamed,
and Tommy jumped in after me,
forgetting that he had blueberries
in his front pocket.
The gorillas just went wild.
They jumped all over his body
and threw him around like a rag doll
to get to those blueberries.
One gorilla would throw him to another
gorilla, who tossed him to another.
Everyone panicked and cried out
for somebody to help,
but it was too late.
The gorillas beat him to death before
the zookeepers could gas them all.
My acting... my brother killed.
I've had to live with that...
...every single day.
Gary, you can't blame yourself
for what gorillas did.
I think I can finally let it go.
Because my acting
saved the entire world.
And something
even better happened.
I met somebody
who took my breath away.
Gary, no.
I'm sorry.
It's just...
Things are really complicated, Gary.
I know about Carson.
I know how it feels.
God, I'm so confused.
It's too soon to be
having feelings for you.
Maybe feelings are feelings
because we can't control them.
But I have to control them
because I can't go through losing
somebody again. It's too painful.
So... So, what, you're just
gonna shut down?
I really like you.
There's no chance
we can ever be together?
Only if you could promise me
you'll never die.
You know I can't promise that.
If you did that,
I would make love to you right now.
I promise. I will never die.
I need this, I need love
I need you
I don't need one heartbeat
I need two
There's an emptiness I need to fill
And only one emptiness will do
Only a woman
Can brighten up my day
Only a woman
Can touch me the right way, yeah
Only a woman
Is allowed to touch me there
All I ask
Is that you're a woman
All I ask
Is that you're a woman
Please just be a woman
Lisa, you're the most amazing person
I've ever met.
It's only been a short time,
but I think that I'm completely in love...
Let's not talk.
I can't help it.
This just feels so right,
and I don't want anything
to mess it up.
There's not a thing in the world
that can mess this up.
Team, I'm afraid I have bad news.
At 7:15 this morning,
the terrorists carried out their attack.
- What?
- But how can that be?
Gary stopped the terrorists
in Cairo.
It appears now that
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Was wrong
about the Chechnyans
being in charge.
That was bad,
- Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
- I'm sorry.
We have to find out who did this
and take them down. Fast.
Sir, I am intercepting communications
about the terrorists' identities.
On screen.
This is breaking news
with Peter Jennings.
An attack in Panama today
has left thousands dead.
Taking credit were terrorists
from Derka Derkastan.
Of course, Derka Derkastan.
The terrorists claim that the attack
was a retaliation
for Team America's actions in Cairo.
Alec Baldwin is rallying all
the members of the Film Actors Guild.
- Alec Baldwin?
- Gary?
He's my hero.
The single greatest actor
of all time.
Who is to blame for these attacks
in Panama?
The terrorists?
The person who supplied them
with WMDs?
No. Blame Team America.
Their reckless disregard in Cairo
brought on this violence today.
Team America, the blood of the victims
of Panama is on your hands.
Moved by Baldwin's
impassioned speech,
hundreds of people turned out
at Mount Rushmore today to protest.
Hey, that's here.
Tom, it looks like filmmaker
Michael Moore
is also jumping on the
"Fuck Team America" bandwagon.
Protesting is not enough.
We must take radical action against
the fascists in our own country.
Bring it down! Bring it all down!
Team, if the Derka Derkastanis
have weapons of mass destruction,
I'm afraid it could be
9/11 times 1,000.
- Jesus, you mean...?
- Yes.
Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
Then forget all these assholes.
We got work to do.
Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized
so he can use his acting.
My acting?
My acting? My acting just got
a thousand people killed.
Jesus, I've done it again.
Pull yourself together, Gary.
We need you now more than ever.
- I'm through with this.
- Gary, you can't go.
Without you, the team is doomed.
Remember, there is no "I"
in Team America.
Yes, there is.
I know it's hard, Gary.
But you're still the only hope
to stop these newer terrorists.
Why me? Why am I the only one?
Because you're the one
with the power to...
Well, I don't want the fucking power!
I don't want the guilt,
I don't want the shame
and I don't want the responsibility.
Then what about all the things
you promised last night?
You said you'd never leave.
I said I'd never die.
But now I'm dead inside.
You slept with Gary?
- Sarah.
- But you knew I liked Gary.
I told you.
You like Gary?
Oh, I see.
- I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah.
- Save it, Lisa.
You see? All I do is hurt people.
Gary, you didn't kill your brother.
Those gorillas did.
I'm sorry I'm not the man
you think I am.
I'm just bad news.
I'll never act again.
Fuck him. We don't need an actor.
We can take out
the Derka Derkastanis
the old-fashioned way.
No. It would be a suicide mission.
That's all right.
I feel a little bit like dying.
Goddamn it, Gary.
Fuck, yeah
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
Fuck, yeah
Freedom is the only way
Terrorists, your game is through
'Cause now you have to answer to
Fuck, yeah
Gary! Help me!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!
All right, team.
We're nearing Derka Derkastan.
Let's get ready.
Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft.
There's only five of them, team.
This should be easy.
I've got Korean aircraft at 1 o'clock.
What are they doing here?
Shoot them down. Rike dogs.
Kim Jong II?
Why is he helping terrorists?
I've got one on my tail!
I got you, Sarah.
Bring in the submarines.
What the hell? Something's shooting
at us from the water.
- It must be a Korean sub.
- Chris, you've gotta take them out.
I'm already on it.
These guys really snuck up on us.
Yeah, there's a lot of that
going around lately.
Sarah, you know I didn't mean
to hurt you.
No, you just didn't care if you did.
Now, come on, Sarah,
that isn't fair.
Lisa can't help it
if Gary has feelings for her.
Just like nobody can help it
if you have feelings for Gary.
What is that supposed to mean?
Oh, come on, Sarah.
You mean you never realized
Joe has feelings for you?
Joe? But you're like a brother to me.
That's all I ever am. Like a brother.
It isn't fair.
Hang on, team.
Someone has broken into the hangar.
- Baxter?
- Hey, Team America.
I got something for you.
- What the hell?
- Prepare to die.
Jesus titty-fucking...
Oh, my God!
No. He can't be dead.
We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
I repeat,
we have no I.N. T.E.L.L.I. G.E.N. C.E.
Their computers are down.
- Sarah!
- I sense I'm going down.
Sarah! God, Chris,
you gotta help her.
I'm on it. Just hang on, Sarah.
Oh, fuck, I've been hit.
Chris, come in.
- Oh, Jesus, I'm hit!
- Lisa!
- Going down.
- Goddamn it,
I'm gonna have to breach.
I'm gonna hit the water.
Missile lock. I've got missile lock.
I've gotta bail out.
Salvage their ships. If you find anyone
arive, you know what to do with them.
Terrorists on screen.
Okay, who brew up Panama Canal?
We were angry about Cairo.
Goddamn it, how many times
do I have to tell you?
You don't use the WMDs
until you see the signal.
I have worked ten years
on this pran.
It is a very precise
and a compricated pran.
I am sick of you terrorists
fucking it up.
Now, take the weapons
where I told you
and wait for the goddamn signal
this time. Goodbye.
Why is everyone so fucking stupid?
Why aren't more people interrigent?
Rike me?
I'm so ronery
So ronery
So ronery and sadry arone
There's no one
Just me onry
Sitting on my rittle throne
I work rearry hard
And make up great prans
But nobody ristens
No one understands
Seems rike no one
Takes me seriousry
And so
I'm ronery
A rittle ronery
Poor rittle me
There's nobody I can rerate to
Feel rike a bird in a cage
It's kind of sirry
But not rearry
Because it's firring my body
With rage
I'm the smartest, most crever
Most physicarry fit
But nobody else seems to rearize it
When I change the world
Maybe they'll notice me
And until then
I'll just be ronery
Yeah, a rittle ronery
Poor rittle me
I'm so ronery
What would you do
If you were asked to give up
Your dreams for freedom?
What would you do if asked
To make the ultimate sacrifice?
Hey, weren't you the actor
in that Broadway show?
Hey, yeah, it is you. Do that scene
where everyone gets AIDS.
I don't act anymore.
I gave that up.
- Oh, come on, man, just a scene.
- I said, get away from me!
I'm completely lost.
I've hit rock bottom.
Easy, easy.
You gotta calm down there, Chuck.
I hurt people. I'm a dick.
Well, being a dick ain't so bad.
See, there are three kinds of people:
Dicks, pussies and assholes.
Pussies think everyone can get along
and dicks just wanna fuck all the time
without thinking it through.
But then you got your assholes,
And all the assholes want
is to shit all over everything.
So pussies may get mad at dicks
once in a while
because pussies
get fucked by dicks.
But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck.
And if they didn't fuck the assholes,
you know what you'd get?
You'd get your dick and your pussy
all covered in shit.
All right, that does it.
Get out of here, you drunk lowlife.
Get out of here, I said.
Lisa. Lisa, are you here?
Get out of the street,
you fucking bum!
You gave up on life, didn't you?
My fellow actors,
we live in a dark time.
The world is becoming more
and more violent
and the idiots in charge
are making it worse.
What the world needs is
an international advisory committee
who truly understands global politics.
Namely, us.
The time has come for us
to start using our acting talents
in a different way.
Yes, we can use our powers
to change the world.
We will persuade everyone
to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking.
If we focus our acting
on global politics,
we can change everything and stuff.
As actors, it is our responsibility
to read the newspapers
and then say what we read
on television like it's our own opinion.
Matt Damon.
We've all done action films.
If anyone tries to get in our way,
we'll show them just how tough
us actors really are.
I'm glad you all agree.
Because I've just been contacted
by a very important political leader
who is bringing all the
world leaders together
for a massive
international peace conference.
And he wants us to be
the keynote speakers.
Matt Damon!
Say hello to our new partner.
Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
You're not in a position to kill anyone,
my red, white and brue friend.
So you're the bastard
planning 9/11 times 1,000.
No. You think so small.
You see, I'm about to have
an eraborate peace ceremony.
And while all the world's most
important people are distracted here,
I will detonate the WMDs
which I have given to terrorists
arr around the grobe.
It will be 9/11 times 2,356.
My God, that's...
I don't even know what that is.
Nobody does.
You heartless bastard.
Why would you do such a thing?
Because then there will be barance.
Every country will be
a Third World country.
Just imagine it.
All around the world, there will be
massive exprosions.
With nobody to guide them,
the people will break out into panic
and rioting all over the earth.
The true nature of humanity
is unreashed.
Dog eats dog,
as everyone attacks everyone
and fends only for themselves.
Grobal stabirity unravels.
By the time my show is over,
it will be far too rate.
Your plan will fail.
You'll never keep the world leaders
distracted here for nine hours.
Oh, no? I've got Arec Barrwin.
Dear God.
You are the rast of a dying breed,
the frag-waving American.
Well, your rittle dream
will soon be over.
I must get back to pranning
the ceremony now.
The film actors are on their way.
Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro.
Having so little faith in humanity
must make you a very lonely man.
You shall have a front-row seat.
Bring her upstairs.
Leave her alone,
you son of a bitch!
Lisa, I treasure your friendship!
Somebody has to stop this!
I miss you more than Michael Bay
Missed the mark
When he made Pearl Harbor
I miss you more than that movie
Missed the point
And that's an awful lot, girl
And now
Now you've gone away
And all I'm trying to say
Is Pearl Harbor sucked
And I miss you
I need you like Ben Affleck
Needs acting school
He was terrible in that film
I need you like Cuba Gooding
Needed a bigger part
He's way better than Ben Affleck
And now
All I can think about is your smile
And that shitty movie too
Pearl Harbor sucked
And I miss you
Pearl Harbor sucked
Just a little bit more
Than I miss you
Oh, my God.
What the hell happened?
Hello? Anybody?
Greetings, Mr. Johnston.
what the hell happened?
Our base was attacked by
a giant socialist weasel.
But where's the team?
They have been taken prisoner
by Kim Jong II in North Korea.
I have intercepted communications
that he is planning
the massive attack
during a peace ceremony.
Don't move, protester,
or I'll blow your commie brains out.
- Spottswoode.
- Johnston?
What the hell are you doing here?
Get away from
I'm using it to blow up North Korea.
No! The team is in North Korea.
I know. And so are the triggers
to WMDs poised all around the globe.
My only option now
is to blow up Kim Jong II
and everything around him
before he can set them off.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate
detonation sequence on the ships.
You'll kill them all.
It's what they would
want me to do, Gary.
They would happily give their lives
for the good of the world,
- something you don't understand!
- There has to be another way.
There's nobody left
to stop Kim Jong II.
Let me go.
You? You're a buttfucking quitter.
You walked out, Gary. The team went
on a mission without you.
And without an actor,
they were like pigs to the slaughter.
I'm supposed to leave
the fate of the world in your hands?
I know I walked out,
but I'd do anything to take it back.
- Please, just let me help.
- You've done enough.
Please, Spottswoode,
you have to believe in me.
I want to believe in you, Gary,
I really do.
But you've let me down before.
Please, how can I make you
trust me?
I remember the first time we met.
You were a simple Broadway actor
afraid to get in my limo
because you thought I wanted you
to perform oral sex on me.
Do you remember that?
And now the tables are turned,
and I don't know if I can trust you.
Just give me a chance.
All right, I'll trust you.
But only if you...
...will perform oral sex on me.
- What?
- Right here, right now.
- You can't be serious.
- Oh, I am serious.
Look, this is my serious face.
- What will that prove?
- It will prove that you are truly ready
to lay everything on the line.
To throw away all your inhibitions
and give 100 percent.
We must go back to that first night
we met, that first issue of trust.
- Don't you see?
- No. I thought you weren't gay.
This isn't about sex, Gary,
it's about trust.
It's the eye of the needle, Gary,
and we must both pass through it.
Okay, let's do it.
I'll make sure nobody's watching.
Yeah, it looks clear.
Okay, go.
There must be another way.
I guess you won't do everything
to take it all back, will you, Gary?
No, no, no. Wait, wait, hold on.
You're saying if I do that,
you'll let me help the team?
I'll give you all the time I can.
Okay, let's do it.
Here we go.
And go.
You are dedicated.
Now, let's go get cleaned up.
If you're going to storm Kim Jong ll's
palace single-handed,
we have to make you
a complete soldier in very little time.
How we gonna do that?
I think I know just what we need.
The hour's approaching
To give it your best
And you've got to reach your prime
That's when you need
to put yourself to the test
And show us a passage of time
- We're gonna need a montage
- Montage
- It takes a montage
- Montage
Show a lot of things
Happening at once
Remind everyone
Of what's going on
And with every shot
Show a little improvement
To show it all would take too long
- That's called a montage
- Montage
- Girl, we want a montage
- Montage
In anything, if you want to go
From just a beginner to a pro
- You need a montage
- Montage
- Even Rocky had a montage
- Montage
- Always fade out in a montage
- Montage
If you fade out
It seems like more time has passed
- In a montage
- Montage
Radies and gentlemen.
The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong II
are preased to welcome you
to the International
World Peace Ceremony.
The most important people
from every country
are gathered here in soridarity
to cerebrate peace.
There will be music, dancing
and, of course,
the biggest stars in Horrywood.
In the box to your reft is the
mastermind of this spectacurar show,
the multitarented Kim Jong II.
Oh, herro.
And now we present to you
the very best in North Korean music.
Ten years of pranning,
and finarry the night is here.
The terrorists know to be in position by
the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage.
That's when I trigger all the WMDs
to go off at the same time.
When you see Arec Barrwin,
you will see the true ugriness
of human nature.
Your plan will never work.
Something will stop it.
You stupid, naive Team Americans.
You berieve in true rove
and happy endings
even while the world around you
spirals downward.
Sometimes believing is all we have.
And as the leaders of your countries,
you have the power
to bring the world together under
the principles of the Film Actors Guild.
You're gonna
knock them dead, Alec.
Ten minutes, Mr. Baldwin.
Who the hell you?
I'm with the Film Actors Guild.
I'm here to help with the broadcast.
Then you show credentials.
Hey, you don't need to see
my credentials.
I left them at home
and I'm running late.
- I berieve him.
- Yeah, me too.
Okay, have a nice day.
My God, his acting is better
than ever.
Don't worry, fellas,
I've got my pass right here.
Please, Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins,
you don't understand
what Kim Jong II is doing.
Shut up. We have explicit instructions
to watch you.
- Yeah. We're supposed to be guards.
- We're guards.
- We're guards, huh? We're guards.
- We're guards.
Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins. Someone
has broken into the main hall.
What? Come on, Martin!
- Gary?
- What the fuck are you doing here?
Guys, are you all right?
Where's Lisa?
What the heck do you care?
You walked out on her.
Look, I wanna make things right.
Here, Spottswoode's monitoring
from the base.
- Spottswoode is dead, Gary.
- Not as dead as you think.
- Spottswoode!
- Yes, I'm here, Joe.
- All right, you're alive!
- Great to hear your voices again.
Now we've got to get Lisa
and stop Kim Jong II.
I'm not going anywhere
with this fucking traitor.
What makes you think
we'll take you back, douchebag?
- We're doing this without you!
- Now, hold on, team.
Gary has already proven to me
that he is 100 percent committed
to the team.
He proved it last night
by sucking my cock.
All right. Come on, team,
we gotta find that stage.
Rook how much they rove my show.
The entire audience is so captivated.
And now you see,
the new world is inevitabre.
- It's what?
- Inevita... Inevitabre.
- One more time.
- Inevitabre!
Things are inevitabry
going to change.
Goddamn it, open your fucking ears.
- Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin.
- Thank you.
- Alec, we have a problem.
- Team America escaped.
What? You fools.
They'll ruin everything.
We better warn everyone.
They'll be headed here.
No. We can't look weak
and powerless.
If violence is all those bastards
understand, then violence they'll get.
Every actor, grab a gun
and keep Team America
from reaching this ceremony
at all costs.
I swear they won't reach this stage.
Jesus! What have we got?
Looks like George Clooney
and Liv Tyler, 20 yards.
Look out, it's Ethan Hawke
and Janeane Garofalo.
Drop your weapons.
Fucking die!
We gotta split up.
Sarah, you and Gary go that way.
Chris and I will go right.
No, I think I'd rather team up
with you, Joe.
I guess you're with me, cockfag.
- Danny Glover!
- Come on, Penn.
- We must protect the show.
- Right.
- The stage must be that way.
- No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap!
Very impressive, warmongers.
Now let's see how Kim Jong ll's
panthers treat you.
I went to Iraq, you know!
- Susan Sarandon.
- Oh, thank God.
We have to stop the ceremony.
Kim Jong II is mad.
Here, let me loose.
I'll show you where the theatre is.
- All right.
- No, Chris, stay away from her.
- Fuck you. She wants to help us.
- No, Chris, she's acting.
I am not. The others tied me up
because I wouldn't go along
with their plans.
Your skills are fading with age,
Miss Sarandon.
You shall die a peasant's death!
Jesus titty-fucking Christ.
I could've sworn
she was telling the truth.
That's why they call it acting.
Come on, we gotta find Lisa.
I was 19 years old when
the musical Cats came to our town.
I couldn't wait to see it.
After the show, I was asked
if I wanted to go meet
some of the performers backstage.
Man, I was thrilled.
But when I got back there,
they were drunk and out of control.
Rumpus cat and Macavity
kept feeling up my leg.
I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer
held me down and...
...I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.
That's why you don't trust actors.
I'm sorry I've been so hard on you.
If there's still a world left
when this is all over,
I'd like to buy you a beer.
Come on, let's go.
We're running out of time.
Sarah, before we die, I want to
finally tell you that I love you.
No. No, I'm not gonna
let it end like this.
We are not your enemy, furry ones.
You will not attack us.
Sarah, that isn't going to work.
You don't really have mental powers.
Your captors are behind you, Shebas.
Show your anger to them.
Sarah, you did it!
Wait. Hold on.
Spottswoode, I think we just found
the entrance to the theatre.
Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our...
- Actors, ho!
- Helen Hunt.
Samuel Jackson.
Matt Damon.
Gary, Chris, come in.
And now, radies and gentlemen,
Mr. Arec Barrwin.
We are here to usher in a new era
without violence.
By following the rules
of the Film Actors Guild,
the world can become a better place
that handles dangerous people
with talk and reasoning.
That is the F.A.G. Way.
One day you'll all look at the world
us actors created and say,
"Wow. Good going, F.A.G.
You really made the world
a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?"
Yes, Arec Barrwin.
Too bad there won't be a world reft.
Oh, God, no.
You see? No Prince Charming rode in
on a white stallion to save the day.
This is the real world.
I'm afraid your world is over.
In five minutes.
Yes, the ticking crock.
Sorry, Team America, but you see,
we must live in a time of peace.
Put down the gas can now.
Kill them.
Team, you've got to hurry.
Let's go, bitch.
I've done action films.
Come on.
Matt Damon!
Come on, stop trying to hit me
and hit me.
Don't fucking move!
Now, isn't that a shame.
You came so close
to stopping peace.
But you see,
peace always finds a way.
Goodbye, Team America.
I've just got one piece of bad news
for you, Robbins.
- What's that?
- I'm a smoker.
Now that the world
is going to be run peacefully,
we should all drive hybrid cars.
Right now famiries
are gathering in parks,
children are walking to school,
friends are sitting in movie theatres.
All compretery unaware that the world
is about to change forever.
All because of me.
Stop that man.
- Team America?
- Goddamn it.
Sorry to interrupt the show,
everyone, but Kim Jong II
is an international criminal.
We're here to arrest him.
Oh, no, you're not.
This is a peace conference.
And if you even try to touch
Kim Jong II,
this audience and I will rise up
against you.
Fuck off, Team America!
Team, there's no time.
You have to convince that audience
to let you do your job.
- Gary, you've got to take the stage.
- No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.
- He's the best actor in the world.
- You have to try.
- I'm not that good.
- Actually...'re the finest actor
I've ever met.
Come on, Gary, hurry.
You've got to act fast.
I know you all don't like Team America
a whole lot right now,
but Kim Jong II is a lot worse.
You can't outact me, boy.
Don't even try.
For the truth is that Team America
fights for the billion-dollar corporations.
They are just as bad
as the enemies they fight.
Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks!
We're reckless, arrogant,
stupid dicks.
And the Film Actors Guild
are pussies.
And Kim Jong II is an asshole.
Pussies don't like dicks,
because pussies get fucked by dicks.
But dicks also fuck assholes,
assholes who just wanna shit
on everything.
Pussies may think they can deal
with assholes their way.
But the only thing
that can fuck an asshole
is a dick with some balls.
The problem with dicks
is that sometimes they fuck too much.
- Or fuck when it isn't appropriate.
- Yes, Gary, yes.
And it takes a pussy
to show them that.
But sometimes pussies
get so full of shit
that they become assholes
Because pussies are only an
inch and a half away from assholes.
I don't know much
in this crazy, crazy world...
...but I do know that if you don't
let us fuck this asshole...
...we are gonna have our dicks
and our pussies...
...all covered in shit.
Show us what you're doing,
Kim Jong II.
Do something, Arec Barrwin!
The... Global warming and...
Corporate America...
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.
Don't fucking move!
You were all going to be treated
to a faburous show.
But now party's over.
- For I am the great Kim Jong II.
- Lisa.
And I am the greatest terrorist
ever to have rived.
Terrorize this.
- Lisa, are you okay?
- No, Gary, the countdown.
You have to stop it.
- What do I do?
- Hit the big "cancel" button!
- Gary, how did you manage this?
- Spottswoode helped me.
Spottswoode? He's alive?
Lisa, I'm crazy about you.
Will you please forgive me if I...?
You had me at
"dicks fuck assholes. "
Attention. Attention, everyone.
All you in the audience should go
to your homes now.
Your countries need you.
But the world will be safe,
thanks to a brilliant actor
named Gary Johnston.
Let me explain to you
the kind of man Gary is.
He's a man who knows
that when you put another man's cock
in your mouth, you make a pact.
A bond that cannot be broken.
He's a man so dedicated that
he will get down on his knees
and put that cock
right in his mouth.
Wait a minute. Look!
You have not heard the rast
of Kim Jong II.
I will return!
You shall see. I will be back!
So rong, earthrings!
We'll be here waiting for you,
Kim Jong II.
All right, you guys, I hate to break up
this little party,
but there's still a lot of bad guys
out there.
Well, then let's go show the bad guys
the police are back in force.
Fuck, yeah.
Fuck, yeah.
Fuck, yeah
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
Fuck, yeah
Freedom is the only way
Terrorists, your game is through
'Cause now you have to answer to
Fuck, yeah
So lick my butt
And suck on my balls
Fuck, yeah
What you gonna do
When we come for you now?
It's the dream that we all share
- It's the hope for tomorrow
- Fuck, yeah
- McDonald's
- Fuck, yeah
- Wal-Mart
- Fuck, yeah
- The Gap
- Fuck, yeah
- Baseball
- Fuck, yeah
- Fuck, yeah
- Rock 'n' roll
- Fuck, yeah
- The Internet
- Fuck, yeah
- Slavery
- Fuck, yeah
Fuck, yeah
Everyone has AIDS
- My grandma and my dog Ole Blue
- The pope has got it and so do you
Come on, everybody
We got quilting to do
We're gonna break down
These barricades
Everyone has
Freedom isn't free
It costs folks like you and me
And if we don't all chip in
We'll never pay that bill
Freedom isn't free
No, there's a hefty fucking fee
And if you don't throw in
Your buck o'five
Who will?
Buck o'five
Freedom costs a buck o'five
Only a woman
Can brighten up my day
Only a woman
Can touch me the right way
Only a woman
Is allowed to touch me there
All I ask
Is that you're a woman
I'm so ronery
So ronery
So ronery and sadry arone
There's no one
Just me onry
Sitting on my rittle throne
I work rearry hard
And make up great prans
But nobody ristens
No one understands
Seems rike no one
Takes me seriousry
And so
I'm ronery
A rittle ronery
Poor rittle me
I need you like Ben Affleck
Needs acting school
He was terrible in that film
I need you like Cuba Gooding
Needed a bigger part
He's way better than Ben Affleck
And now
All I can think about is your smile
And that shitty movie too
Pearl Harbor sucked
And I miss you
Why does Michael Bay
Get to keep on making movies?
I guess Pearl Harbor sucked
Just a little bit more
Than I miss you
Show a lot of things
Happening at once
- Remind everyone of what's going on
- What's going on
And with every shot
Show a little improvement
To show it all would take too long
- That's called a montage
- Montage
- Girl, we want a montage
- Montage
In anything, if you want to go
From just a beginner to a pro
- You need a montage
- Montage
- Even Rocky had a montage
- Montage
- Always fade out in a montage
- Montage
If you fade out it seems like
More time has passed
I was sent from planet Gyron
To conquer the Earth
I had a terrific pran
I thought it would work
Tried to get the earthrings
All to kill each other, you see
But it all went wrong
And now I must decree
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
You failed in every way
And now my stock in you has farren
Your career is starring
And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin
That's why I brew your head off
And your children are all bawring
Pranet Gyron is inhabited
With Zypods rike me
But also with Barmacks
Who are giant bees
The Zypods and the Barmacks
Are at constant war
So we wanted a new home
And that's what Earth was for
But you are worthress, Arec Barrwin
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
You fucked up my whole pran
And now Gyron is smeared
With Barmack porren
Your garbage needs some hauring
And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin
Now I must return home a failure
I'm afraid the Pit of Cryrock
Is carring