That Old Feeling (1997) Movie Script
1
"L" is for the way
you look at me
"O" is for the only one
I see
"V" is very, very
Extraordinary
"E" is even more
than anyone
That you adore can love
Is all that I can give
to you
Love is more than
just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart
and, please, don't break it
Love was made
for me and you
"L" is for the way
You look at me
"O" is for the only
One I see
"V" is very, very
Extraordinary
"E" is even more than
anyone that you adore
Can love
Is all that I can give
to you
Waiter! Waiter!
Love is more than
just a game for two
- Two in love can make it
- Spit it out. Cough. Come on!
Take my heart
and, please, don't break it
Love was made
for me and you
Love was made
for me and you
Love was made
Oh! For me and you
I had this vision of you
in stomach surgery...
on what should have been the
happiest night of your life.
It is. Good.
Because... I booked a church.
You did?
Don't worry. It's beautiful.
It's next to my parents' house.
We'll have the reception there.
We'll put your family up at the local inn.
The next morning... off to Maui.
Listen, is it really very important
to you to have an actual... wedding?
I thought it would be romantic
if we just kind of ran away.
Forgot the whole production.
Molly, what is this?
All right.
You know how some people's parents
hate each other? Like yours.
But it's very civilized,
and they stay together.
They smile,
and they keep up appearances.
Well, my parents hate each other
with a nuclear capability, Keith.
They haven't seen or spoken
to each other in 14 years.
I can't have a wedding
and not invite one of them.
If they're both there, something
could happen. Like what?
I don't know. A homicide.
Molly, this is your wedding. What
makes you think that your mother...
is gonna make a scene at the most
inappropriate of all places?
She is an actress.
Come on, Mother. Please.
Don't do this Garbo thing.
Nobody recognizes you.
That's what you think.
The cockroach has been following me for
three blocks. Who's the cockroach?
That greasy little paparazzi. The one
that took the fat picture of me.
Don't turn around!
I thought you got an injunction.
I couldn't.
Some First Amendment garbage or something.
Come on. Duck in here.
God. How does he do it?
He's like some missing
link Sherlock Holmes.
The one time in my life I blimped out,
there he was, clicking away in my face.
People still think I'm obese!
No one thinks you're obese.
He's the reason I lost
that role in Little Women.
Nice! Right into
eight million shopping carts.
Sewer rat!
Make love to the camera.
Damn you! Not from the left!
Hey!
Lawsuit! Lawsuit!
Never from the left!
My face is too round from the left.
I look like a wheel of Brie.
Oh, my God! Security!
Give me some teeth.
Help! I'm being assaulted!
Sir, come with me, please.
I-I'm just shopping.
You're out of here!
Those are nice panties. I want
to get those for my girlfriend.
Such a creep!
Oh, God. I hope
they throw the book at him.
Look. A little wedding night thrill.
How about that?
I am not going to wear this. He'll
think I'm gonna charge him.
Keith will love it.
Or hasn't he seen them yet?
Mother, could you be normal for one
minute, please? Normal? Normal?
I'm normal.
Oh, all right. You want to
have a real talk? Well, yes.
That would be nice. Okay, honey, are
you sure you want to marry this guy?
Don't start. You're so young.
Don't you know what
your 20s are for?
They're for having sex
with all the wrong people.
They're not for getting married.
I mean, really.
You got married. I know, and I wish
I'd been around a little more.
If I had, I would have seen your father
for what he was. He's going to be there.
Huh? He's gonna be
at the wedding.
How about this one?
Mom, I know you heard me. Of course, I did.
I understand perfectly.
He is your father, although once I told
him he wasn't just to torture him.
Look at me.
I want you to swear
that you will behave.
Molly, don't I always?
Why are you doing this here?
Natural light. I need to know what
I'm really going to look like,
not what I'm kidding myself
that I look like.
Let's talk about this.
Can we, please?
Is this about Dan? No, it's
about that slut Rowena.
Lillian, is she worth the maintenance
on all this hatred? I don't see this.
Alan, she took my husband away from me.
I have to look like a goddess.
I know it all turned out
for the best.
I hope she looks 1,000.
I hope she's getting those
little lines above her lips.
She always had that fabulous tan.
I hope she's a fucking raisin.
Hmph! What?
I'm just wondering whether you're
being totally honest with yourself.
Alan, I'm not neurotic.
I'm just a bitch.
I want my ex-rival to have aged badly.
What could be more normal than that?
I hope she looks like one of those
Chinese dogs, the ones with the folds.
The ones that look like they're melting.
That would be great.
Dan, we are seriously late.
Rowena, I'm in the wedding. They can't start without me.
Just give me ten seconds.
What is it? It's this tuxedo.
It's geriatric.
I don't like the tie. I hate the shoes.
It's about your hair.
Look at it. Why did I let you talk me into this?
I should have gone bald.
Don't be an idiot.
Dr. Goldbine did a great job.
No, no, no. It's too much. It's gigolo hair.
He's the best.
Nobody can tell
I got my lips done.
- You don't know Lilly.
- What about Lilly?
She has X-ray vision for people
with cosmetic improvements.
She should talk. Have you
seen that picture of her?
What picture?
She's as big as a house. You couldn't
tell which one was her original chin.
- She's fat?
- Mm-hmm. Let's go.
How fat? Fat-fat?
She was wearing a pup tent.
It was really very sad.
It was circus fat? Mm-hmm.
Two-plane-seats fat? Yes, Dan.
Oh, my God!
She's had everything done.
They've taken some of her nose
and injected it into her lips.
Are you nervous, Molly?
No, I'm not.
You should be nervous. I would be nervous.
If you say one more thing...
Don't worry. I shall
forever hold my peace.
You'd better. You're no fun.
You know, I think somebody should object.
Liven this morgue up.
Daddy, stop it. You're scaring me.
Don't scare me. I might throw up.
No, you won't. Not until you see
the outfit your mother is wearing.
Holy cow. She looks
like she's a toreador.
Don't look at her.
You'll set her off. Sit.
I thought you said she was fat.
So she had her jaw wired or her
stomach stapled. I don't know.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here...
to join together this man and
this woman in holy matrimony.
Congratulations.
Molly, good to see you.
Congratulations.
Keith, good to see you.
Congratulations.
Oh, where are they?
Relax. They're miles apart.
I'm so glad you liked that one.
That's my favorite too.
Oh, aren't you sweet?
Why is it in all your books you're
always killing off actresses?
I'm just acting on an impulse most of us have.
Champagne, sir?
Thanks, Mitch. Oh! Look at you!
You look fabulous!
What a beautiful wedding.
A little long. Ha, ha.
I'm her Aunt Iris. Ah.
You gonna win your election?
I certainly hope so.
He's ahead in the polls. You
know, her hair's wrong.
You can't be
a congressman's wife
unless you get that
helmet thing going.
Okay, Aunt Iris. Anyhoo,
I need a drink.
Waiter! Get over here!
Not you, the young one.
Who's that?
That's my grandmother.
Thank you.
Mmm! Even more
beautiful in person.
Who the f... Mother, you remember
Senator Marks, Keith's father?
Oh. Right.
Keith tells me you've
graciously agreed to perform...
at one of my
little fund-raisers.
A Republican fund-raiser?
Of course!
Darling, I... We'll
talk about it later.
I need food.
Lilly, wait.
Congratulations!
You look so much better.
I find any attempt you make to talk
to me in the worst possible taste.
Oh, Lilly.
It's been so many years.
So why bring it up? Because
I really behaved badly.
Oh, Rowena,
you were impeccable.
I particularly enjoyed finding
your hair on my pillow.
That was a classy touch.
I didn't plan that. It was
just spontaneous combustion.
Rowena, did they suck out your
brain cells along with your fat?
I don't think my fat
has ever been an issue, Lilly.
Well, Dan, here we are
at a wedding.
Perfect place for growth,
for healing.
And just think, you and me,
two people...
Shut up, or I'll kill you. Huh.
Hey.
You know the bride's mother,
the one with the big...
I want you to shoot her
only from the left.
No problem.
Who let you in here?
How ya doin'? No, no, no!
Not today!
Why not today?
You look radiant.
Get out! I mean it. Get out!
Don't be shy.
Stop. Just stop.
Tilt your head to the left.
Look at that nuptial blush.
How dare you?
I gotta pay rent too.
Don't you live in a van?
Sanford! You're funny.
Maybe we could do something with the
whole family. Sanford! Gordon!
Pout. Gordon, please. This
is an uninvited guest.
Don't touch the camera!
Hey, Malibu Ken!
That's good. Stand with your wife.
Nice shot.
Hey, let go of me! Tough guys, huh?
You look like Easter eggs!
What was that about?
How did he get in here?
I hired him. What?
His portfolio was great.
He shoots all the stars.
What people really
want in a marriage...
We want what I call
emotional valet parking.
We deserve it, but in order to get
it, you have to be validated.
Have a wonderful day.
Lovely. Bye-bye.
Congratulations.
Our daughter looks beautiful.
Thank you.
So how are you?
Fabulous. How are you?
Never better. Good.
I'm glad you can be civil.
This is not the time nor the
place for anything else, is it?
For once, we agree.
What are you doing in Armani?
Knock over a truck?
It's called prosperity. Really?
Yes, Keep Under The Grass
went into its third printing.
Oh? What's that?
One of my books.
Oh, I wouldn't know. I've
been out of the country.
Tax problems? Shooting a film.
Do you still do that?
You know perfectly well
I still do that.
You've got more hair.
I don't think so.
What is it? Plugs? A rug?
No. No. Look.
Let's not do this, okay?
Please.
I'm just curious. Rogaine?
Hair Club for Men?
I've laid off of your hair.
My hair is perfect.
Yes, it's perfect, if you want to look
like a madame in a saloon in Tombstone.
Oh! A metaphor.
Aren't we literary?
I can't believe that you are still
threatened by people who write books.
My husband writes books. He
doesn't threaten me at all.
You call that self-help
psychobabble that he writes books?
More people read them than
those dime novels of yours.
The Tao of Divorce? Who is
this guy tryin' to kid?
That book has saved thousands of marriages.
None of which was ours.
Ours was beyond saving.
I would say so,
when the counselor's trying
to put the make on my wife.
That was long after
you were off with Rowena,
humping like
a middle-aged mink.
After we go in for a session,
and the man who was supposed to
save my marriage of 14 years...
tells me he wants to interface
to talk about his feelings.
What a load. Because his feeling is
that he can make my wife happier.
And I'm paying the guy to hear this.
Bullshit!
You bounced the check!
Wouldn't you?
You are so pathetically
jealous of Alan...
just because he's
a national phenomenon.
At least I had the maturity
not to marry a bauble.
She is a top interior designer!
Oh, come on!
She made our apartment look
like a Greek whorehouse!
I would never have
touched Rowena
if you hadn't thrown yourself
at Dr. Feelgood first!
First? I was never first!
You were first, Lillian!
I was the faithful one! Faithful
like a Kennedy is faithful!
I was faithful,
and, boy, am I sorry now.
Do you know who
I could have slept with?
I could have had the entire
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
I turned down a Beatle for you!
I remember Ringo being on a bender!
Stop it! Stop now!
He started it! Right now!
No! She did! No! Look, look!
If you can't do it, then go
outside and cool it off.
You're asking us to take it outside?
We are outside!
That's stunningly obvious.
All right, move it!
Well, now, these are people
who are dialoguing.
It's so important to dialogue and
to language with each other.
This is my wedding!
Don't you dare
ruin this for me!
You may not come back here 'til you
can hold a civil conversation.
All I can say is, I am glad that
I'm marrying into Keith's family.
Look what you did!
And you behaved yourself?
You'd scare a piranha!
I was totally
and completely civil!
You wrecked Molly's wedding!
You wrecked it by showing up.
I suppose you think you
should have given her away.
You have the balls for it.
Aah! Aaah!
You bastard! Let go of me!
Why don't you whistle for your broomstick?
Maybe it'll come and get ya.
Let go! I know all
about that right hook.
Oh! Ah! Sutures!
You had a scalp lift,
you vain son of a bitch!
You picked up a few pounds,
huh, fatty?
Put me down!
Take your hands off me!
Go ahead. Try something!
Take your hands off me!
So... So... So...
It's sick. It's sick.
It's really sick.
We've got to stop. It's wrong.
It's my worst nightmare.
Stop. Stop.
We've got to stop.
You're right.
Oh!
Keith, what was going on out there?
Looked kind of heated.
Theatrical people. They
shout hello to each other.
Boy, that cannot happen again.
We're going to have
to see them in shifts.
We can't have them doing that in public.
I'll get roasted by the press.
I hope they kill each other.
Are you all right? Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh!
Oh! Oh!
Call me irresponsible
Call me unreliable
Go on and throw in
undependable
Too
Well, do my foolish alibis
Come on. Admit it.
Isn't it great not having
that penned up anymore?
Bore you
You poor thing.
Are you all right?
You don't even
have to talk about it.
I know what it must have been like trapped
out there with that wicked tongue.
I hope you gave it right back
to her as good as she gave it.
Oh, I know I did.
May we have your attention,
please?
The bride's parents?
Where are the bride's parents?
Ah, the lovely mother
and the handsome dad.
Why don't you two little lovebirds
show us what it's all about?
I thought you told them
not to do this.
I thought you did. No!
Go ahead. I want you to.
Oh, God, Keith!
Can you believe it?
How are you? Well, I'm... I'm
just completely horrified.
How are you? I'm very upset.
Why the hell did we do that?
Why else? Alcohol.
I guess it was
just some old itch...
lurking around down there
in some sick hidden place.
It just sort of, uh, popped up.
That's not funny.
We just committed adultery.
I know what we committed.
I am as upset about it
as you are.
Well, I don't think
anyone suspects.
Not with us. Are you kidding?
It's unthinkable.
Look at them over there.
Alan thinks I've made some kind
of psychological breakthrough.
- Look.
- And now the groom's parents.
We got away with it.
So what do you say we just...
get through this dance,
go home,
forget that it ever happened?
Good idea.
It was good though, wasn't it?
I mean, wasn't it?
- It was good?
- It was very good.
You sure know how to send me
to the chiropractor.
Oh, so you miss me that way?
No comment.
And now the newlyweds.
Look, I don't know what I'm gonna
do when this dance is over.
Oh, God. I feel the same way.
Let's just have one more dance.
No. We can't. They'll know.
This is it then? It has to be.
Well, never ever
in my wildest dreams...
Who the hell knows
anything anyway, right?
Not me.
- Good-bye, Danny.
-
Good-bye, Lilly.
See? You had nothing
to worry about.
Mm-hmm.
I was so proud of you today.
Do we have to bring these quivering
little rats with us everywhere we go?
She didn't mean that.
Yes, I meant it.
Okay, what is it?
Nothing, nothing.
Alan, can we go home now? I think
I know why you're agitated.
What do you mean?
Well, in layman's terms,
it's a rush from finally having
released all that anger toward Dan.
Do you remember we talked
about psychological mastery?
I know you thought I was
blathering on at the time.
But now do you
see what I meant?
You had a tremendous act
of separation individuation.
You confronted your bogeyman.
You grabbed your gremlin.
Now do you see
how important talking is?
What? Oh!
Yes. Oh, it's important.
You finally overcame the narcissistic
injury of that relationship...
and you felt
the empowerment of closure.
It was a victory
for me as well,
because you remember that
recurring dream I had...
about the wild dogs
gnawing at my genitals?
Before I thought those dogs
symbolized our children.
But how could that be?
I love our children so much.
Now I see the dogs
symbolize Dan,
and my genitals...
symbolize... my genitals.
I think that's the key... Hello?
- Lilly?
-
It's me.
Oh, God. What do you want?
- I'm curious about something.
- What?
Does this mean
that we're speaking?
Apparently.
Okay, good, because
I have to talk to you.
No. No!
Coffee. I'm not trying
to start anything here.
Meet me downstairs
in five minutes.
You just want to sit
and talk to me?
Yeah, I think it's a fitting
end to a sinister afternoon.
Sinister? You call sexual
attraction to me sinister?
All right, then, calamitous.
Remember that funny thing...
It was just a cigar.
Uh, Keith? Hmm?
I know you're going
to think I'm a little weird,
but that sounded
just like my mother's laugh.
Molly.
You've got to stop fixating on your parents.
It's not normal.
Hmm? Yeah.
That's it. Did you hear that?
That braying? Okay, I'm sorry.
Never mind. Never mind.
I'm insane, aren't I?
That is my dad!
Oh, for God's sake, Molly.
It sounded just like him.
Well, it can't possibly
be him, can it? I know.
I know. Okay.
Mmm. Mmm.
So? I'm sorry.
I don't think I'm going to be
able to get comfortable here...
'til I know what's going on.
Molly!
That cannot possibly be your parents in
the same room having a high old time.
You do know that, don't you?
Uh, I can't. Can you look?
Look? How? Look?
Uh, just look out the window.
Kind of crane around.
I am not gonna spy
on some poor couple.
You really want me to do this.
I'll hold your legs.
What do you mean? Rowena
didn't like my bald spot,
so she made me do this thing where
they put something under your scalp.
They blow it up
like a balloon.
They cut away the bald skin, and
then they suture you back up.
I tell you, I have no feeling
at the top of my head.
It's dead up here. Look. Look.
You can drop coconuts on it.
Let me kiss it alive.
Oh, would you? Would you? Would you?
I'm comin' in, baby!
Oh, my God!
I thought they hated each other.
They're supposed to!
They did. They have.
Oh, God. We can't stay here.
I'm not going to stay
and listen to my parents having
sex on my wedding night.
I'm not leaving. What?
Tell them to leave. No!
I'm not going to walk in
on them when they're...
Oh, God! Oh!
We want another room.
Is there something wrong?
You couldn't begin to imagine.
But the Maple Room is the
largest... Just switch it!
Please. I'm afraid we can't.
We just have the six rooms,
and the last one just rented.
Uh, Keith. Yes?
I've got a bad feeling, like we
shouldn't stay here another second.
We really don't want to know what's
going on up there, do we? No, we don't.
Let's just drive out of here
before something hideous...
Where would we go? Uh,
let's go to the airport.
I am not spending my wedding night in those
orange plastic chairs waiting for a flight.
Oh, thank God, you guys are up.
Listen, have you
seen your father?
Uh, no. This is very weird.
If I didn't know better, I'd
think he was having an affair.
No! No!
Then why did he shave
to go for a walk? Ma'am?
You haven't seen my husband,
have you?
Oh, yes. He just rented
the Birch Room for his sister.
Of course.
But, look, we've gotten
you up. Please, uh...
If there's nothing else
I can do? Good night, dear.
Good night.
Birch.
Duck and cover.
Well, quite the little
detective, aren't you?
Better than I was.
Would you have the decency to
tell me where my husband is?
My ex-husband went back to try and make
some lame, pathetic excuse to you.
Obviously it was too late.
This is the worst behavior I have
ever encountered in another adult.
Oh, Rowena,
I didn't mean to hurt you.
It was just
"spontaneous combustion."
Did you have to gloat?
Oh, yes, I definitely did.
You can make jokes. You're
not the one in the hot seat.
Oh, come on. She's gone to tell Alan.
She's not gonna let me get out of this.
Then I guess you're
in the hot seat too.
What should we do? Nothing.
You're right. She'll tell Alan.
There will be threats and
scenes, hollering and crying,
quarts of Maalox
down people's throats.
And you know what? What?
I'm not in the mood. I'm not
in the mood for that at all.
Can we avoid it?
Oh, no, we can't avoid it.
But we can postpone it.
How do you mean, gone?
Away! They left! That's
what gone usually means.
Can we not get hysterical? They
could be back in 20 minutes.
Yes, you would be calm.
Oh, Alan.
You're the natural child
of those people.
On some subterranean level, you're
glad this happened. She's glad.
Alan, Rowena, you have
been wonderful to me.
They have been much better off with the
two of you than they ever were together.
I never wanted this.
Was there some reason why you had to
invite them both? That wasn't my idea.
You didn't tell me they were certifiable.
I begged you to elope.
I don't want to argue.
I'm sorry.
Pull it together. This from a
mental health professional.
It's not my fault!
On top of everything else,
she took my Prozavil.
It was in her purse. I'm supposed
to take it every four hours.
Or what?
You turn into a basket case?
No, just slight
manic-depressive tendencies.
Oh, no, no. Oh, no!
My life is over! Shut up!
I don't think there's much more Keith
and I can do about this right now, so...
No, no, no, no.
You have to help us.
How can I? I don't know!
But you did this.
I know you didn't mean to,
but you brought them back together.
Help us get them back.
I don't know where they are.
Haven't I been a friend to you?
Who got you that Lacroix prom dress?
Who got you electrolysis?
You'd have one big eyebrow
if it weren't for me!
Molly, please?
Molly.
Um, can you excuse me?
Dogs. I need dogs.
Do you really think
they're coming back? Uh...
Oh, boy. Look, this
is not our problem.
It is a big problem, Molly.
I'm running for Congress
on a family values platform.
I can't have some tacky Hollywood
adultery scandal with my new in-laws.
The press will eat it up.
Someone has to find them...
and get them back here quietly
before this hits the tabloids.
Uh, I think it's too late.
Oh, for Chr... All he needs is to
see these two in here blubbering.
He'll know what happened. We've
got to get them home quietly.
Where is he now? Um...
He's going around the back.
I'll be back as soon as
I've hired a detective.
I want to come with you. No!
What if your parents come back?
He can't see them together.
Honey, I'm sorry.
This is what being a political
wife is all about: Damage control.
Oh, God! Just find some
way to get rid of him.
Get him arrested.
You see how important this is?
I know, it's just
this is our honeymoon.
Think how much better our honeymoon will be...
knowing I still have a career.
I know.
Love you.
So... she ran off, didn't she?
- No!
- Then where is she?
I don't have to answer that.
You know what I think? I think
she ran off with some guy.
You're delusional.
Then what's this?
"Dear Molly,
"This will make more sense to you
when you're on your second husband."
What is that? She left
you a note at the desk.
So you just take it? It
wouldn't be the first time.
So, uh, she ran off with Dan.
Listen, you are not gonna put my parents
on the cover of some sleazy tabloid...
Dan's your dad?
Oh, man! They're
gonna love this one!
Let's go! Where are you going?
That's for me to know and you
to read in the paper. Wait!
This is big, big, big bucks!
Please!
Uh, what is your name?
My name? You wanna know my name?
Yes.
It's Joey Donna.
Joey, you seem to be very
talented at finding my mother.
That's what I do. Um, right.
Well, I was wondering if maybe
you could find her for me.
For you? Yes.
You would be encouraging me
to do this?
This once, yes.
You have absolutely no idea
where she is, do ya?
I... No, no.
So, after all the times you people
have thrown me out of places...
and slammed doors in my face
and shook me out of trees,
all of a sudden I'm supposed
to switch sides?
- So it's a matter of money?
- Four bills, minimum.
I.e., $400?
I.e.? Who says I.e.?
- Isn't that kind of high?
- I.e. Who talks like that?
Yes or no?
All right, I'm in. Come on.
But no pictures!
Definitely not.
I mean it. I see a camera,
I will smash it.
As long as you
understand that.
Okay. Deal?
Hey, Bri,
what's my girlfriend up to?
- Who are you talking to?
- Shh. Uh-huh.
Versace? Missoni, yeah?
How much at La Pergla?
She must really
like this guy, huh?
Hey, thanks, Bri. Who loves ya?
You're the best.
All right. Bye, Bri.
We seem to be on a little
shopping spree in town.
Come on. Come on.
That phone call.
That was her bank, wasn't it?
You have a spy in her bank telling
you her credit card records.
Let me ask you something.
What's so bad about this? Why
is this making you nuts?
Your parents are back together.
Isn't that nice?
No. They have been happily married
to other people for 14 years.
Yeah? Well, personally,
I never liked old Alan.
I don't think he respects her.
Excuse me? All those times I've
been right in his wife's face,
he never took a swing at me.
How can you talk about Alan not respecting her?
Look what you do.
Come on. What?
She loves it.
Okay, she loves being
constantly harassed.
I'm her biggest fan. Who do you think
keeps her on the cover of the Globe?
She should pay me. I just
hope they're being discreet.
Oh, come here, you.
It's so nice to see a mature,
loving relationship.
It's adulterous,
but thank you very much.
Oh, I love this. I love everything
about being the other woman.
It's so... French.
So, what did you miss about me?
Absolutely nothing.
Liar. I'm serious. Every
hour was a blessed relief.
Come on.
Your singing. Mmm.
2:00 in the morning, in the
bathtub, glass of champagne.
Is that why you stabbed your
actress in the throat 27 times?
You read my book.
I knew you would. I skimmed
it in the checkout line.
Uh-huh. You missed me.
And I suppose you didn't sneak off to
the movies to ogle me once or twice?
I saw you win the Civil War
single-handedly.
Wait. What?
I just got a tingle.
My paparazzi.
He's out here.
We better get you
off the street.
Oh. A hotel?
I hope you're paying.
You'd let me pay?
You've mellowed.
You have to pay. I cancelled
all my credit cards.
He thinks I'm not onto him, that little
cockroach, but he has been fumigated.
Come on. Altogether.
As a group.
Come on! Go up the stairs.
You know how to go up stairs.
One paw in front of another.
Would you just...
At the risk of being critical...
No, I've got to say...
Would you, please...
Children, children, please. Would you
just take it easy? Mommy's not here.
Go ahead. Mommy's not here.
Let me take your leashes off.
Just let me take your...
All right! Down!
Open your own can.
Message. Message.
Hi, Alan. It's Molly.
If Keith's with you, can you please
tell him to stay there? -Well!
It's for you. Don't hire a detective.
I found someone to find them.
I'll meet you at Mom's later.
Found who?
Thanks.
American.
Hello? Oh.
Yeah, uh, look, Phil, I'm gonna
have to cancel our session.
Yes, I'm going through
something here.
I know. I know!
I don't think you're having
a marital crisis, are you?
Hey, she's still there,
isn't she?
She hasn't run off with some
morally bankrupt ex-lover!
You want my advice, Phil?
Do you? Shut up!
Okay? For once
in your life, shut up!
You have feelings about that?
We'll talk about it Monday.
It's over.
Someone will see them.
7:00 tonight
it will be all over E.T.
My friends will know my
marriage is over and drop me.
Friends don't drop you
'cause you're single.
What planet are you from?
You know something? I have
just about had it with you.
You have no feeling
for your husband at all.
All you care is you're not
gonna get into La Bernadin...
like all the other
liposuctioned-up second wives.
Tell me. Is any of your face or
body original? Just curious.
You must make
a lovely therapist.
My marriage is ending, okay?
I am a nationally prominent
marital authority.
How is it going to look when my
own marriage crashes and burns?
Go back on drugs.
You are so at odds
with your shadow self.
Zip it. Ohh!
Have you done any... Come on, Alsace.
Get off of her.
He's not interested.
There's nothing there for you.
I don't understand.
You wouldn't. She just happened to
cancel her cards, just like that?
She's a very smart lady.
Why are we here?
I told you! Research!
At a tabloid?
Exactly. Hey, Lis!
Don't talk to me.
I'll pay ya back! Yeah!
Ah, women. You're just vamping.
Those cards were your
whole umbilicus to her.
"Umbilicus"?
Where'd you dig that one up?
Could you just explain this, please?
Your mom's sentimental.
I figure they went somewhere
they been before.
Being as her whole life
is right here on hard drive...
This is worse than the F.B.I.
Joey! Donna! Get off my desk!
Rufus, give me five minutes huh?
Five minutes. One!
You're the best.
You don't even work here.
I almost do.
They buy from me sometimes.
Well, your magnum opus.
I had a bad month, all right?
I needed new tires.
So you just expose her at her
most vulnerable for a quick buck.
Okay, here we go. Wedding day.
Tsk! Oh, you were cute!
H-How could that be me?
Wait, wait, wait.
I was already born
when they got married?
Where is this?
I know that pillar.
I spent four hours behind
that pillar waitin' for Cher.
Morally unconscious
party animals.
That's the Majestic Hotel!
That's it. That's it.
They lied. I'm...
A love child. Yeah. Welcome to the club.
Let's go.
Come on.
You're here either way.
You were born. That's all that counts.
Don't tell Keith.
When would I tell him? Like
we go to the same parties.
How'd you hook up
with that guy anyway?
I met him at the Yale Club.
Oh, the Yale Club.
Is that where people go
when they realize nobody gives a
shit where they went to school?
What makes you the big authority on relationships?
Have you ever even had one?
More than I can handle.
Oh? Really?
Do you have one now?
My time's tight. I work a lot.
What you do is not work.
How would you know? Have
you ever worked, princess?
I'm going to graduate school.
I.e., no!
I work 16, 18 hours a day.
I'm at all the parties...
Don't you mean outside them,
lurking?
I'm gettin'
a little sick of this.
You want me to help you? You
treat me like a professional.
I'm good at what I do. You either
respect that or get Keith to help you.
I'm sure that old Yale
diploma will be a big help.
I'm sorry, all right?
But just don't run down
my boyfriend.
Don't you mean your husband?
It's like Grand Central
Station in here.
Think this is tough? Ha! How can you
find a person in a hotel this size?
First you get a look
at the register.
If that doesn't work out, you bribe the bellman.
Or if you can't...
Okay, fine, but first
I have to call Keith.
By all means, call Keith.
Oh, right.
Oh, my God!
Excuse me? Psst.
I don't believe this.
Look, I never do this,
but I am such a big fan.
Oh, thank you. You're Dan
Demauro, aren't you?
Well, yes, I am. Look, I'm
reading Blonde In Cement Heels.
Tell me I'm good.
Good at what?
Take a gander.
Could you sign this for me?
- Oh!
- What's your name?
I love the way
they're keeping a low profile.
Let's go get them. Come on.
Uh, that's okay.
What's okay?
I mean, I can do this.
So, uh, this is it.
What are you talkin' about? You found
them, right? So, uh, it's $400.
I hope a check's okay. Hold on a second.
What's your rush?
She's gonna see you. She's gonna cause problems.
I think you should go.
I wanna meet her.
What?
I wanna meet your mother.
But you know her already.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I just never met her.
I want to be introduced.
Like a person?
Oh. Wow!
Look, I didn't mean it that way.
I appreciate the job you did.
I do. It's just... Look, my mother hates you.
If she sees you... Please.
How did you recognize me?
Please.
Could you give me an autograph?
Vermin alert!
How ya doin'?
You're the cockroach?
Only to my friends.
Following, spying, tracking
her like a bloodhound.
Make up your mind. I'm either
a cockroach or a bloodhound.
Hey, a mixed metaphor is the least
of your problems, my friend.
You know what would be nice? If
you would leave my wife alone!
She's your ex-wife, Dad. We have
to have a talk. Put him down.
Oh, boo.
I thought we were so clever.
This is so annoying. You two could
look at least a little guilty.
Please. He is with me.
Let him go.
I'm sorry. I didn't
know he was your date.
He's not! Yeah?
It's a long story. Uh-huh.
His name's Joey Donna. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Joey, my parents.
Look, look, look. There's
somethin' I want to say to you.
Yes? I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have taken that...
Fat. Fat. The word is fat.
I shouldn't have shown you as
a... As an enormous fat pig?
Right. I mean, no!
I mean, you're beautiful.
I promise I will never
ever, ever do that again.
Are you saying you'll never take a picture
of her again as long as you live?
What are you, high? I mean I'm
only gonna take good ones.
And nothin' from the left.
And no low angles.
You know that makes chins.
- No chins. Done deal.
- It better be.
Could we discuss your own behavior?
Don't be boring.
Let's have a drink. Is
it mimosa time, darling?
With you, my darling,
always. Join us?
Yeah, I could use a little somethin'.
In my new book...
Dad, that's not what we...
So, what's going on here?
Nothing, Mother! Oh, I understand.
He's adorable.
What? Why do you think I
never had him arrested?
Where the hell is she?
Ooh! Your wife's disappeared.
My heart bleeds.
The red-eye is shot.
We can't make Kennedy.
For what?
Our honeymoon?
We were going to Hawaii.
Does either of you have
the slightest recollection
that you disrupted
my honeymoon?
Hmm? Get out while you can.
My dad warned me not to intermarry
with a bunch of Bohemians.
Offered me 50 grand
just to call it off.
I am saying that you are not
just hurting them,
you are hurting me and Keith.
And for what? Are you going
to stay together forever?
Oh, God! Would you stop it?
That is so grotesque.
Grotesque? Oh,
we don't want to be that.
Oh.
What's going to happen
when you have a fight, hmm?
You know what you're
going to do. I mean...
I know what you're doing with your feet under there.
I don't appreciate it.
Oh, honey, I thought
you wanted us to get along.
Hold a civil conversation, yes.
Flaunt some
perverse affair, no.
Flaunt? Who's flaunting? We haven't
been swinging from the chandeliers.
We went through a lot
of trouble to disappear.
It's rude of you
to dig us up like this.
- They got a point.
- Whose side are you on?
- Theirs.
- All right.
I mean, what are your plans?
Run away? Become fugitives?
We don't have any plans. If we make
them, they might not work out.
Exactly. Oh.
Excuse me for thinking
that occasionally...
people should think through insane
things before they do them.
But then again, if you had
ever done that in your lives,
maybe I wouldn't
be illegitimate.
Honey, that was the '70s.
That is no excuse.
Alan and Rowena are in shreds.
I don't know how
you can do this to them.
These are people you have
lived with for 14 years.
Have you no human feeling?
Molly, we know what
you're saying is heartfelt,
valid and mature.
And to be honest,
it's making us feel
ashamed of ourselves.
But? No buts.
If you'll come upstairs
with us now and help us pack,
we'll go home.
Really?
You'll come too?
Yeah, okay.
Listen, you guys,
I am very sorry...
Honey, don't be sorry.
You've always had better morals
than we've had. Well, thanks.
We left a ton of stuff
in the bathroom.
Why don't you two go scoop that up?
We'll be out of here in no time.
We don't want to forget...
Look around.
Be careful.
Where's that brown suede jacket that we got?
I don't want to forget...
Oh, here it is. And that
little green suit of mine?
I wore it in my last picture.
Hurry up.
Okay, okay. Ow!
Mom, there's hardly
anything in here...
Mother!
Mom!
Oh, they are good.
Can ya...
So what's the problem?
It's jammed.
Oh! Oh! Okay.
Where's the phone?
There has to be ano...
There was.
We've been had, baby.
Well, that's just great.
That is great. It's
like I'm eight years old,
and I'm locked in
my room with a time-out.
Well, you did threaten them.
Someone's going to
come up here, aren't they?
Hi. We don't wish to be disturbed
for the rest of the evening.
We don't want a single soul
to set foot on the floor.
We don't want maid service. We
don't want the weather report.
We don't want those little pieces of
chocolate that you put on the bed.
You understand.
I understand perfectly.
I thought you would.
Wow. Flaunt that testosterone.
Molly!
Hello!
Molly? Can't they hear us?
Hello!
Forget it!
It's a prewar building.
- It's a bomb shelter.
- Hello!
I can't stay here.
Where ya gonna go?
Keith has no idea where I am. I
just can't no-show my honeymoon.
Molly, chill out.
He's gonna think I am insane,
just like the rest of my family.
He's gonna think I'm one of them.
He'll deal with it.
Do you know how lucky I am that
someone normal wanted to marry me?
And now I've just
totally blown it.
People are gonna say, "Have you ever
been married?" I gonna say, "Yeah.
For 24 hours!"
Uh, uh, look, just, uh...
Just take it easy, all right?
I'm gonna get us outta
here, all right? How?
Come on.
What are you doing? Watch this.
Hey, up here, you! Come on! Ha!
There she goes
Ooh! Ooh! Cops!
They hate this.
Piss 'em off.
They'll come up here.
That's very clever.
Hey! Up here!
Some kids are chuckin' fruit.
Yeah.
Whoo! Hey!
You used to do that? Oh, yeah.
I once threw a water balloon
at a priest.
Hey, wait! Where ya goin'?
We're throwin' fruit up here!
What is this? The only two guys in
the whole city that aren't jerks.
Hey! Where are you goin'?
There she goes
- There she goes again
- Oh, my God.
All right, Molly. Let 'er rip.
You'll feel better.
There you go!
Oh! God!
But I just can't contain
This feeling that remains
There she goes
- There she goes
- Go!
Whoo!
There she goes
There you go.
Oh, God! That was good!
So what'll he do to you?
Well, he'll want
to talk about it.
Talk? That's it? Just talk?
Days and nights of talking.
Marathon talking.
About how and why we can
build from a new foundation.
I'll probably go off my nut.
Hey, you two.
Oh, it's been some years,
all right. Where ya been?
It's good to see
the two of you together.
I didn't think
you were gonna make it.
I guess we did cause
a few scenes around here.
Yeah, you cleared
the place out pretty good.
How long you been married now?
It would have... 25 years.
Twenty-five glorious years.
Well, good for you.
Most people just don't want
to put in the work, do they?
Is that all it takes?
Anyway, happy 25th.
You know, I believe
this is your song.
I used to walk with you
Along the avenue
Our hearts were
carefree and gay
How could I know
I'd lose you
Somewhere along the way
The friends we used to know
Would always smile hello
No love like our love
they'd say
Then love slipped
through our fingers
Somewhere along the way
I should forget
But with the loneliness
of night
I start remembering
Everything
You're gone and yet
There's still a feeling
Deep inside that
you will always be
Part of me
So now I look for you
Along the avenue
And as I wander I pray
That someday soon
I'll find you
Somewhere along the way
Somewhere along
The way
Yeah.
And this is from someone that you
expect to be a mature person.
It's unforgivable. That's all.
Thanks for seeing me home. At
least someone's a gentleman.
Am I? One of the last.
Then why am I being treated
so contemptuously?
It's 3:00 in the morning.
She can't pick up a phone?
Have another drink.
No. No, I...
- Come on!
- What the hell?
I'm beginning to understand
how you feel.
Oh, you can't.
You can't possibly imagine...
what it's like to be somebody's
ex-wife in this town.
Even if it comes to that, which it
won't, Rowena, you're successful.
You invented the Greek Revival look.
You're in demand.
They're probably ripping my card
out of every Rolodex as we speak.
Rowena, that's ludicrous.
You are one of
the most beautiful women...
that I've ever seen.
You think so?
Mmm. Yes.
Uh, your weddin' rings.
Left them on the sink.
Thank you.
Hey, don't worry. Your parents aren't
going to leave us up here forever.
Hey, you want some water?
Yeah.
I'm sure they'll spring us
by morning, you know.
Thanks.
No bubbles or nothin', but...
How do you know I like bubbles?
I could tell you,
but I think you'd get mad.
At this point,
I really doubt it.
Okay. That night your mom took
you out to dinner on your 21st?
I was on the ledge.
How? We were four stories up.
You don't believe me?
Okay. You were
wearin' this, um,
this white clingy
dress thing with a...
low cut...
Yeah, you look
really good in that.
How come you don't
wear that now?
If you really want to know, it's because
I need to lose a couple of pounds.
- What?
- I do. Keith says I do.
- He's crazy.
- No, no. He's right.
No, he's wrong. You're perfect.
Can I ask you something?
Yeah. Sure.
Don't you feel guilty... I mean, when
you take those pictures of people...
Don't you feel like you're
stealing someone's private moment?
Nah. I love what I do.
My dad and my brothers,
they pack meat for a living.
Nobody ever thought I was gonna
make it in show business, you know?
They all think I'm nuts.
But, uh, I'm gonna open up
my own studio.
I don't know when, but, uh...
I'm gonna do celebrity
portraits, you know?
Not like now.
I mean, they're gonna let me.
Hmm.
I hope it happens for you.
Yeah, me too.
Well, good night, Joey.
Yeah, good night.
Oh, God.
What are you doing here?
Don't tell me you don't remember.
Oh.
I certainly wish I didn't.
You got what you wanted.
How dare you.
You're the one who lunged.
You started it. You smoldered.
That was the last enthusiasm you
showed for anything, I might add.
I was hardly inspired.
I told you. I have to be on the bottom.
I have a bad back.
Among other things.
All right, just stop this.
Stop this right now. Look.
I don't care what you think
or what I think.
This didn't happen!
I am a newlywed.
She's certainly in for a treat.
Housekeeping.
Uh, yeah.
Come in! Come in!
Good morning!
Good mornin'.
Well, I see nobody got lucky.
All right, honey. What we did
wasn't very nice. I admit it.
But there was a reason.
Your father and I just wanted
one more night. That's all.
Just one more night without
people bursting in on us...
and screaming and yelling
and threatening suicide.
It made us so happy.
It was the happiest I've been
since it was okay to take drugs.
If you print that,
I'll kill ya.
Anyway, you'll be thrilled
to know that...
I'm ready to go home.
Really.
Can I have the phone, please?
You gonna forgive me?
Never, as long as I live.
Well, at least you're honest.
She gets that from me, you know.
I know.
Where have you been all night?
Walking. Then why
aren't you wet?
It's been raining all night,
and you're dry.
What are you, my wife?
Hello?
Keith, it's Molly.
Well, finally! Oh, thank God!
It's Mommy!
One would have thought you might have had
the courtesy to locate and pick up a phone.
Well, it wasn't
really my fault.
Hello, Keith? It's my fault.
I imprisoned her
in a room overnight.
Tell her...
I don't believe that.
He doesn't believe me.
It's fine.
Keith, it's a really long story.
Tell Alan I'm bringing Mom home now.
This is an incredibly
unacceptable beginning.
When you come, I believe I'm entitled
to a very detailed explanation.
He was so cold.
I've never heard him like that.
If that's how he is on day
two, you might want to bail.
Mom, I don't want
to hear about it.
Let's just go, all right?
I'm... I'm ready.
Oh, honey, you don't have
to take your mother's advice,
but I wouldn't go back to my angry
husband looking like that.
Mom had better
lend you a dress.
Let's see. What do we have
in our magic box today?
No, that's for me.
I feel completely ridiculous.
Who wears this color?
I wear that color. It's
too sexual for midday.
Come on, honey. You look great.
Yeah, you look, uh, nice.
Mother, don't.
I just have to say good-bye.
Mother!
Well... This was...
Oh, it was.
I'm glad we... Oh, me too.
I think it definitely
served its purpose.
No. No, no... Oh! Oh!
Okay!
Oh, Lilly. I can't go back.
I can't either.
I mean ever.
I never meant to leave you.
I still love you, Lilly. I never
loved anybody else in my whole life.
Come here, baby.
God.
Ah, ya chump.
Baila conmigo
Baila conmigo
Baila al son
de mis cimbales
Baila al son de la conga
Look at them.
Just crashing
those people's wedding.
They don't seem to mind.
You know, it kind of
reminds me of your weddin'.
Baila conmigo
Baila conmigo
Givin' up, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm givin' up.
So, uh, you want me to
give you a ride somewhere?
No. Thanks.
I'm just not ready.
Keith?
I can't face him. I...
He's already furious at me,
and now he'll be more furious.
I failed.
I won't bring him back,
and he won't get elected,
and it'll be my fault.
Uh, miss? Yeah.
Uh, we need a drink here.
Miss?
What's her problem?
That happens to me a lot.
It does, huh?
Yeah. Where is that...
Stand up. Why?
Take that off. Come on.
Come on. Just take it off. Put my dad's on.
How ya doin'?
Okay.
I look like an idiot.
Do you mind if I say something?
Yeah. A lot.
I think a little change in your appearance
might help your problem with women.
What problem with women?
Shut up. Okay.
Just wait. Come on.
Aw, for cryin' out loud.
Just... wait. Just wait.
It's not bad.
Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Here she comes.
- Try it again.
- Just smile. Don't leer.
Miss?
Yes, sir? Uh, vodka
grapefruit for the lady.
Sure. I'm not even gonna
ask how you knew that.
Did you see that?
I bet if I went to a restaurant
right now, they would seat me.
Have you been helped, sir?
Uh, yes, I have. Thank you.
Wow!
I could get used to this. Whew.
Whoo! Ooh!
Oh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Hup, hup, ooh
There they are. Over there.
Ooh!
Enjoying yourself, Mother?
Ooh, I'm having a ball!
Look at you!
You cleaned up nice.
Come on, paparazzi.
Let's see what you got.
You wanna dance with me?
Sure. Can ya?
Yeah, I can hold my own.
Prove it! Easy on the
jacket, cockroach.
Yes, sir. Okay.
Cantero, canamero
Uh
Molly? Uh
Come on, Dad.
This is so embarrassing.
Bad mood, huh?
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay. Let's dance.
No, Dad, please. I have so
many things on my mind.
Molly, honey, look, I think I've been
pretty good about this whole Keith thing.
I'm not going to lecture you about
love, commitment and marriage,
because I've blown
every one of them.
Don't you want to have some fun?
Did you ever think about that?
Are you gonna have fun on
the campaign trail with him,
smiling at some sewage plant opening
or going to a $1,000-a-plate dinner...
where the wives are wallpaper?
I just want you to have fun for five
minutes before you settle for that.
And I want you to dance
with the old man.
Come on. You know you
can't resist it. Oh.
You know what I'm gonna give ya?
Uh-huh.
I'm gonna give ya...
Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta Right.
Make that turn and let's go
I told you, Rowena. They're at the Majestic.
Molly said she's bringing them back.
I don't know when. Imminently.
She is not a lying slut!
And you should talk...
I believe they'll be back
momentarily. Yes, I do.
Yes... I don't need
to listen to this!
There's no talking to her!
What is it with you two?
You're worse than my patients.
They're not coming. All right.
All righty!
We're going. We're all going.
We're gonna round 'em up and lasso 'em
and drag 'em back here like cattle.
Is that what you want? Yeah!
Gente del fuego
Gente del fuego
Whoo! Gente del fuego
Sorry!
Gente del fuego
Gente del fuego
Gente del fuego
Ya-hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
River of days
Should we, uh...
Ocean of night Yeah.
We drift away
All of our lives
Years I sailed
Many miles from shore
Until I looked
Ooh. Where'd you learn this?
From a girl.
Oh? All right. My sister.
Look, uh, big surprise.
I mean, women never really
went for me all that much.
Maybe it's your chosen profession.
Nah.
I think it's the things
I say and do.
Well, they're all
lookin' at ya now.
You could have any girl
in this place you want.
No, I can't. Yeah, ya can.
No. I can't.
Oh. Joey.
Look, I know. I'm not stupid.
It is not because
I don't think you're...
I mean, you really
are very, very...
Yeah, thanks. You
don't have to... I do.
It's... It's just, uh...
I'm married.
It's definitely a problem.
I mean, even if I wasn't,
Joey, I...
Our styles are like...
Completely.
Wrong.
We'd drive each other just...
Loony Tunes?
It would never work.
It'd never work.
And go free
One shining moment
The instant
I looked at your face
For one shining moment
For a lifetime
along the way
Oh, my goodness. Huh?
What do you call that? Oh.
One shining moment
The two-day itch?
As long as she's distracted, why
don't we take this as our cue?
To run away? Yeah.
We can't just ride into the sunset.
Where would we live?
Venice, Newark. I don't care.
Don't you think we should at least
say something to our spouses?
Why? We've come this far.
You want to be just totally
irresponsible? Totally.
Unless you don't want... No,
no, no, I just thought...
I was just thinking that maybe we
do sort of owe them something.
You mean you owe Rowena something?
No, no, sweetness.
I would never say
anything like that. Good.
But it does seem like the
gentlemanly thing to do
to tell her it's over
after 14 years.
Why? You were with me 12. You went straight
to Fiji with her and never came back.
That was after I found Alan
luxuriating in my bathrobe.
I beg your pardon.
It was after I found one of Rowena's
bright red hairs in my bed!
The bitch sheds like a sheepdog.
Lilly. Lilly.
I know. Okay.
But you could have left me
a friggin' note.
Goddamn it, Lillian.
All right. I'm sorry.
I think this is a subject
best left alone forever.
Spoken like the guilty party.
Here we go, huh?
Never mind. No, no, no, no.
You want to talk about
it, darling? No.
Good.
Because I'm not the one
who went on Joan Rivers...
on national television and told
her that "I finally found...
a real man in my life."
Don't you think you could have served
me the papers before you did that?
And don't you think it would
have been utterly fabulous...
if you had asked me for a divorce
before Rowena printed the invitations?
I told you a thousand times
I had nothing to do with that.
You went through with it!
So did you!
You want to go back?
Me? How about you?
You backpedal a mile a minute!
Here we go.
You wanna go back to that nipped
and tucked trophy wife of yours!
You're a witch, Lillian!
Am I? Am I a witch?
Yeah! Take that, you shit!
Don't worry. I've been through this 100 times.
There's nothing you can do.
I hate you.
You know what you are?
You are the high priestess
of hysteria!
How dare you?
I'm not hysterical!
You're hysterical. Your veins are bulging!
I hope your sutures pop!
- Come on, you two.
- Get outta here!
I hope your face shrivels up!
I hope your gonads shrivel up and
drop off and make terrible noises!
What is this? It's not, uh...
Okay, it is.
This is about a picture?
N-No. What? Another
picture of my mother?
I was going to. I thought
about it, but I didn't.
Well, I don't believe you.
Molly?
You're demented, Lilly! I
thought you were on my side!
I am on your side! Me drag you?
You're nymphomaniacal!
You were the aggressor! I know why! You
wanted to ruin my beautiful marriage!
Yeah, 'cause you wouldn't trust anybody
that wasn't wavin' a Yale diploma!
If that's what you think,
then you don't know me!
If you were half a man!
I am half a man!
The wrong half! Oh, yeah?
I'm twice the man you'll ever be!
I hate you!
You're a hard-boiled... I'd
like to hard-boil your balls!
Alan, take me home.
Lillian, I just want you to know
I don't hold this against you.
I can completely empathize.
I've been working constantly,
giving to everyone else but you.
I'm actually...
I'm grateful to you for...
reminding me how much
I value our marriage.
I want you to tell me everything I
did wrong that led you to do this.
Molly, I'm sorry
I was so short.
That's... That's okay. I never
should have hired him.
That was a pretty
desperate decision.
I know. I'm sorry.
And I forgive you.
You do? Sure. He didn't
get any pictures.
I think this whole thing is going
to blow over without a trace.
Or is it something fundamental?
Is it something I can't change?
You think my head's too big for my body?
No. But I mean...
I understand
if you want to leave me.
I do. I did get you kind of
unfairly in the first place.
I was pretty ruthless about it.
Oh, but I loved you so much.
And now that it's happened
to me, I have to face myself.
Maybe I deserve this.
Balls, Rowena.
Cut to the chase.
Are we back together? Not
if you keep this shit up.
Well, I guess
we missed the plane.
It's all taken care of. I got
us on a flight in the morning.
What happened, happened.
The present is now.
Uh... I'm not going
to wallow, recriminate.
Because we're ventilating.
We're interfacing.
We're really building
from a new foundation.
Sometimes the inner child
just says, "Change me.
I've gone poo. Change me."
Maybe your inner child
just wants to throw a toy.
Where's your room?
Uh, over there.
We have a little time,
if you want to lie down?
Oh, um, uh...
Alan wanted me
to walk his dogs.
So... Yeah.
Okay. Well, I'm beat.
Okay, well,
I'm gonna walk the dogs, so...
Taxi?
No, Rowena. I do not want
to renew our wedding vows.
Dad, it's me.
Oh, hi, Molly.
Come on in.
Came to say good-bye, huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
How come you're not
working on your computer?
I like this old thing better.
I always did better work on this.
I thought before I typed.
Look, I, um,
I wanted to apologize...
for intruding on you and Mom
the way I did.
I never should have... You
did me a favor. Really.
Well, it was
none of my business.
I should have let you...
Molly, you were right.
You're always right.
Don't you know you're the only
sane one in this entire circus?
Yeah, well, I...
I've been thinking a lot
about what you said about me.
The Matsons are here.
Just one moment, please, Rowena!
I'm sorry, honey. Go ahead.
What you said
about not settling...
and about having
some fun before...
Daddy, I don't think
I've had very much fun.
No, Molly, honey,
don't listen to me.
You should never listen to me.
Don't you know that by now?
Look at me today.
I'm on the dance floor with this
woman who's out to destroy me,
thinking I'm having fun.
She's feeding me arsenic,
and I don't even know it.
Believe me, you don't want
to do what I did.
So you think it's better
to settle for something...
even though you know
in your heart it's...
Dan... Oh.
Hello, Molly.
Uh, Dan, we're gonna
lose our reservation.
Well, you don't want
to lose your reservation.
Mmm.
Are you okay?
Me? Oh, I'm perfect.
Everything here is fine.
We had a long talk last night.
A long, long, long talk.
He's being a saint. Really, I'm fabulous.
I'm terrific.
Good morning, Molly.
Good morning.
Oh, honey, how are you feeling?
Are we out of bagels?
I'll get you some.
Oh, no, don't bother!
Listen to you. Feed the dogs.
We're communicating? Oh, yes.
She's such a caretaker, huh?
Now, come on. Just stay open to
the idea of liver and kidney.
Don't close yourself off.
You can only imagine.
So how are you and Keith? Did you do it?
None of your business.
In other words, no.
I'd like to try it just once
without my mom in the next room.
Oh, be that way. Ooh, you're
gonna miss your flight.
Honey?
Oh, honey.
Do you want Mommy to take you to the
airport in her big vulgar limo?
I cannot believe
you brought her.
She's depressed. Have you
ever seen her wear black?
I thought we might start to
explore the concept of privacy.
It's gonna be two more minutes.
Probably less.
They're gonna be
boarding already.
We shouldn't have done this.
She wanted to say something
before I let you drag me out.
All right!
Did you know about this? No.
He's never seen me off
anywhere in my whole life.
But not with anger. Anger
is such a cheap emotion.
I gotta go.
Mother, don't. Lillian.
This is potentially a backsliding situation.
You have a choice.
Dan, let's go. She doesn't have
exclusive rights to our daughter.
Only morally and legally.
She's an adult.
She's free to reject you.
I'm not putting up with this.
You had to ruin this for me.
I couldn't possibly have any fatherly interest.
I'm here to create a scene.
Absolutely.
That's right, Lillian.
The world revolves around you.
You clearly think so, otherwise
you wouldn't be stalking me.
I wouldn't stalk you if...
That's it! Stop it!
You're both crazy.
Why don't you accept that your marriage
is over and get on with your lives?
Stop infecting the rest of us with
your bad taste and immaturity.
Oh, no.
Bad taste? Immaturity, huh?
You should talk,
you little weenie.
You been married
two whole days?
This is what we talked about.
Toxic parents.
See what she's married? A pompous
little ass. Patronizing.
My parents knew how
to set an example.
Like your father
and those twinkie models?
Is that what's ahead
for my Molly?
You have the gall to tell me I'm an
unfit partner for your daughter...
when your own marriage
was a joke?
I know how to be a husband.
Oh, do you?
Rowena.
You're shedding again.
Stop. You're
looking under rocks.
This is bullshit! I, I... I'm really angry!
Let's just go.
They're all certifiable.
So that's where
you were all night!
I, I... I am not
gonna dignify this.
I'm not. Since when do
you ever want to do it?
Molly, this is total poison.
You know me better than that.
I thought I did.
You! You're the one who hasn't
accounted for last night.
She was with me.
What are you doing here? Look.
What? You want another
picture of my mother?
There she is. Go for it. No!
I-I want you.
Did you sleep with him?
This is the final
boarding call... Molly...
for American Airlines, Flight 395,
service to Los Angeles and Honolulu.
Mom, Dad, can I speak with you
for a moment, please?
Please.
Dan?
This is exactly
what I was afraid of.
Why did you bring her here?
I want you to do
something for me.
I want you to go
on my honeymoon.
Oh, look. You're never gonna get
over each other. You know that.
So why don't you just fly
out of here and deal with it?
What do ya say?
Well, Lilly, are you game?
Always. At last
Thanks, baby.
I love you both very much.
My love has come along
We love you too, honey.
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
What did you do?
Dan! Dan! Oh, butt out.
You're gonna pay for this!
Molly? What are you doing?
Annulling your ass.
The skies above are blue
Good! My father was right!
Hey, Joey!
Here we are in heaven
In heaven
For you are mine at last
Should never have bought that third dog.
He's gonna pay for this.
Good. You got your picture.
You got what you wanted.
So maybe you should
just take your film and...
Wonderful.
I should have seen this coming.
I'm glad I found out now.
This is my wife!
Oh, this is lovely. Beautiful.
Oh, fine. Good riddance!
I found a dream
You're just like them!
That I could speak to
Not yet.
Enjoy your life as a
photographer's assistant!
- Come on.
- Crazy liberals.
And here we are
Here we are
We are in heaven
In heaven
For you are mine
At last
I saw you last night
And got that old feelin'
When you came in sight
I got
that old feelin', dear
The moment you danced by
I felt the thrill
And when you caught my eye
My heart stood still
Yes, once again I seem
To feel that old yearnin'
And I knew
the spark of love
Was still burnin'
There'll be no new romance
for me
It's foolish to start
But that old feelin'
Is still in my heart
Yes, I saw you last night
And got that old feelin'
When you came in sight
Mama, I got that
old feelin', babe
Yes, the moment
you danced by
I felt a little thrill
Yes,
when you caught my eye
Baby, my heart stood still
Baby, baby, oh
And once again I seem
To feel that old yearnin'
And I knew
the spark of love
Was still burnin'
Yes, there'll be
no new romance for me
It's foolish to start
For that old feelin', babe
Is still in my heart
Baby, it's still
in my heart
Baila conmigo
Baila al son
de mis cimbales
Baila al son de la conga
Uh
"L" is for the way
you look at me
"O" is for the only one
I see
"V" is very, very
Extraordinary
"E" is even more
than anyone
That you adore can love
Is all that I can give
to you
Love is more than
just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart
and, please, don't break it
Love was made
for me and you
"L" is for the way
You look at me
"O" is for the only
One I see
"V" is very, very
Extraordinary
"E" is even more than
anyone that you adore
Can love
Is all that I can give
to you
Waiter! Waiter!
Love is more than
just a game for two
- Two in love can make it
- Spit it out. Cough. Come on!
Take my heart
and, please, don't break it
Love was made
for me and you
Love was made
for me and you
Love was made
Oh! For me and you
I had this vision of you
in stomach surgery...
on what should have been the
happiest night of your life.
It is. Good.
Because... I booked a church.
You did?
Don't worry. It's beautiful.
It's next to my parents' house.
We'll have the reception there.
We'll put your family up at the local inn.
The next morning... off to Maui.
Listen, is it really very important
to you to have an actual... wedding?
I thought it would be romantic
if we just kind of ran away.
Forgot the whole production.
Molly, what is this?
All right.
You know how some people's parents
hate each other? Like yours.
But it's very civilized,
and they stay together.
They smile,
and they keep up appearances.
Well, my parents hate each other
with a nuclear capability, Keith.
They haven't seen or spoken
to each other in 14 years.
I can't have a wedding
and not invite one of them.
If they're both there, something
could happen. Like what?
I don't know. A homicide.
Molly, this is your wedding. What
makes you think that your mother...
is gonna make a scene at the most
inappropriate of all places?
She is an actress.
Come on, Mother. Please.
Don't do this Garbo thing.
Nobody recognizes you.
That's what you think.
The cockroach has been following me for
three blocks. Who's the cockroach?
That greasy little paparazzi. The one
that took the fat picture of me.
Don't turn around!
I thought you got an injunction.
I couldn't.
Some First Amendment garbage or something.
Come on. Duck in here.
God. How does he do it?
He's like some missing
link Sherlock Holmes.
The one time in my life I blimped out,
there he was, clicking away in my face.
People still think I'm obese!
No one thinks you're obese.
He's the reason I lost
that role in Little Women.
Nice! Right into
eight million shopping carts.
Sewer rat!
Make love to the camera.
Damn you! Not from the left!
Hey!
Lawsuit! Lawsuit!
Never from the left!
My face is too round from the left.
I look like a wheel of Brie.
Oh, my God! Security!
Give me some teeth.
Help! I'm being assaulted!
Sir, come with me, please.
I-I'm just shopping.
You're out of here!
Those are nice panties. I want
to get those for my girlfriend.
Such a creep!
Oh, God. I hope
they throw the book at him.
Look. A little wedding night thrill.
How about that?
I am not going to wear this. He'll
think I'm gonna charge him.
Keith will love it.
Or hasn't he seen them yet?
Mother, could you be normal for one
minute, please? Normal? Normal?
I'm normal.
Oh, all right. You want to
have a real talk? Well, yes.
That would be nice. Okay, honey, are
you sure you want to marry this guy?
Don't start. You're so young.
Don't you know what
your 20s are for?
They're for having sex
with all the wrong people.
They're not for getting married.
I mean, really.
You got married. I know, and I wish
I'd been around a little more.
If I had, I would have seen your father
for what he was. He's going to be there.
Huh? He's gonna be
at the wedding.
How about this one?
Mom, I know you heard me. Of course, I did.
I understand perfectly.
He is your father, although once I told
him he wasn't just to torture him.
Look at me.
I want you to swear
that you will behave.
Molly, don't I always?
Why are you doing this here?
Natural light. I need to know what
I'm really going to look like,
not what I'm kidding myself
that I look like.
Let's talk about this.
Can we, please?
Is this about Dan? No, it's
about that slut Rowena.
Lillian, is she worth the maintenance
on all this hatred? I don't see this.
Alan, she took my husband away from me.
I have to look like a goddess.
I know it all turned out
for the best.
I hope she looks 1,000.
I hope she's getting those
little lines above her lips.
She always had that fabulous tan.
I hope she's a fucking raisin.
Hmph! What?
I'm just wondering whether you're
being totally honest with yourself.
Alan, I'm not neurotic.
I'm just a bitch.
I want my ex-rival to have aged badly.
What could be more normal than that?
I hope she looks like one of those
Chinese dogs, the ones with the folds.
The ones that look like they're melting.
That would be great.
Dan, we are seriously late.
Rowena, I'm in the wedding. They can't start without me.
Just give me ten seconds.
What is it? It's this tuxedo.
It's geriatric.
I don't like the tie. I hate the shoes.
It's about your hair.
Look at it. Why did I let you talk me into this?
I should have gone bald.
Don't be an idiot.
Dr. Goldbine did a great job.
No, no, no. It's too much. It's gigolo hair.
He's the best.
Nobody can tell
I got my lips done.
- You don't know Lilly.
- What about Lilly?
She has X-ray vision for people
with cosmetic improvements.
She should talk. Have you
seen that picture of her?
What picture?
She's as big as a house. You couldn't
tell which one was her original chin.
- She's fat?
- Mm-hmm. Let's go.
How fat? Fat-fat?
She was wearing a pup tent.
It was really very sad.
It was circus fat? Mm-hmm.
Two-plane-seats fat? Yes, Dan.
Oh, my God!
She's had everything done.
They've taken some of her nose
and injected it into her lips.
Are you nervous, Molly?
No, I'm not.
You should be nervous. I would be nervous.
If you say one more thing...
Don't worry. I shall
forever hold my peace.
You'd better. You're no fun.
You know, I think somebody should object.
Liven this morgue up.
Daddy, stop it. You're scaring me.
Don't scare me. I might throw up.
No, you won't. Not until you see
the outfit your mother is wearing.
Holy cow. She looks
like she's a toreador.
Don't look at her.
You'll set her off. Sit.
I thought you said she was fat.
So she had her jaw wired or her
stomach stapled. I don't know.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here...
to join together this man and
this woman in holy matrimony.
Congratulations.
Molly, good to see you.
Congratulations.
Keith, good to see you.
Congratulations.
Oh, where are they?
Relax. They're miles apart.
I'm so glad you liked that one.
That's my favorite too.
Oh, aren't you sweet?
Why is it in all your books you're
always killing off actresses?
I'm just acting on an impulse most of us have.
Champagne, sir?
Thanks, Mitch. Oh! Look at you!
You look fabulous!
What a beautiful wedding.
A little long. Ha, ha.
I'm her Aunt Iris. Ah.
You gonna win your election?
I certainly hope so.
He's ahead in the polls. You
know, her hair's wrong.
You can't be
a congressman's wife
unless you get that
helmet thing going.
Okay, Aunt Iris. Anyhoo,
I need a drink.
Waiter! Get over here!
Not you, the young one.
Who's that?
That's my grandmother.
Thank you.
Mmm! Even more
beautiful in person.
Who the f... Mother, you remember
Senator Marks, Keith's father?
Oh. Right.
Keith tells me you've
graciously agreed to perform...
at one of my
little fund-raisers.
A Republican fund-raiser?
Of course!
Darling, I... We'll
talk about it later.
I need food.
Lilly, wait.
Congratulations!
You look so much better.
I find any attempt you make to talk
to me in the worst possible taste.
Oh, Lilly.
It's been so many years.
So why bring it up? Because
I really behaved badly.
Oh, Rowena,
you were impeccable.
I particularly enjoyed finding
your hair on my pillow.
That was a classy touch.
I didn't plan that. It was
just spontaneous combustion.
Rowena, did they suck out your
brain cells along with your fat?
I don't think my fat
has ever been an issue, Lilly.
Well, Dan, here we are
at a wedding.
Perfect place for growth,
for healing.
And just think, you and me,
two people...
Shut up, or I'll kill you. Huh.
Hey.
You know the bride's mother,
the one with the big...
I want you to shoot her
only from the left.
No problem.
Who let you in here?
How ya doin'? No, no, no!
Not today!
Why not today?
You look radiant.
Get out! I mean it. Get out!
Don't be shy.
Stop. Just stop.
Tilt your head to the left.
Look at that nuptial blush.
How dare you?
I gotta pay rent too.
Don't you live in a van?
Sanford! You're funny.
Maybe we could do something with the
whole family. Sanford! Gordon!
Pout. Gordon, please. This
is an uninvited guest.
Don't touch the camera!
Hey, Malibu Ken!
That's good. Stand with your wife.
Nice shot.
Hey, let go of me! Tough guys, huh?
You look like Easter eggs!
What was that about?
How did he get in here?
I hired him. What?
His portfolio was great.
He shoots all the stars.
What people really
want in a marriage...
We want what I call
emotional valet parking.
We deserve it, but in order to get
it, you have to be validated.
Have a wonderful day.
Lovely. Bye-bye.
Congratulations.
Our daughter looks beautiful.
Thank you.
So how are you?
Fabulous. How are you?
Never better. Good.
I'm glad you can be civil.
This is not the time nor the
place for anything else, is it?
For once, we agree.
What are you doing in Armani?
Knock over a truck?
It's called prosperity. Really?
Yes, Keep Under The Grass
went into its third printing.
Oh? What's that?
One of my books.
Oh, I wouldn't know. I've
been out of the country.
Tax problems? Shooting a film.
Do you still do that?
You know perfectly well
I still do that.
You've got more hair.
I don't think so.
What is it? Plugs? A rug?
No. No. Look.
Let's not do this, okay?
Please.
I'm just curious. Rogaine?
Hair Club for Men?
I've laid off of your hair.
My hair is perfect.
Yes, it's perfect, if you want to look
like a madame in a saloon in Tombstone.
Oh! A metaphor.
Aren't we literary?
I can't believe that you are still
threatened by people who write books.
My husband writes books. He
doesn't threaten me at all.
You call that self-help
psychobabble that he writes books?
More people read them than
those dime novels of yours.
The Tao of Divorce? Who is
this guy tryin' to kid?
That book has saved thousands of marriages.
None of which was ours.
Ours was beyond saving.
I would say so,
when the counselor's trying
to put the make on my wife.
That was long after
you were off with Rowena,
humping like
a middle-aged mink.
After we go in for a session,
and the man who was supposed to
save my marriage of 14 years...
tells me he wants to interface
to talk about his feelings.
What a load. Because his feeling is
that he can make my wife happier.
And I'm paying the guy to hear this.
Bullshit!
You bounced the check!
Wouldn't you?
You are so pathetically
jealous of Alan...
just because he's
a national phenomenon.
At least I had the maturity
not to marry a bauble.
She is a top interior designer!
Oh, come on!
She made our apartment look
like a Greek whorehouse!
I would never have
touched Rowena
if you hadn't thrown yourself
at Dr. Feelgood first!
First? I was never first!
You were first, Lillian!
I was the faithful one! Faithful
like a Kennedy is faithful!
I was faithful,
and, boy, am I sorry now.
Do you know who
I could have slept with?
I could have had the entire
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
I turned down a Beatle for you!
I remember Ringo being on a bender!
Stop it! Stop now!
He started it! Right now!
No! She did! No! Look, look!
If you can't do it, then go
outside and cool it off.
You're asking us to take it outside?
We are outside!
That's stunningly obvious.
All right, move it!
Well, now, these are people
who are dialoguing.
It's so important to dialogue and
to language with each other.
This is my wedding!
Don't you dare
ruin this for me!
You may not come back here 'til you
can hold a civil conversation.
All I can say is, I am glad that
I'm marrying into Keith's family.
Look what you did!
And you behaved yourself?
You'd scare a piranha!
I was totally
and completely civil!
You wrecked Molly's wedding!
You wrecked it by showing up.
I suppose you think you
should have given her away.
You have the balls for it.
Aah! Aaah!
You bastard! Let go of me!
Why don't you whistle for your broomstick?
Maybe it'll come and get ya.
Let go! I know all
about that right hook.
Oh! Ah! Sutures!
You had a scalp lift,
you vain son of a bitch!
You picked up a few pounds,
huh, fatty?
Put me down!
Take your hands off me!
Go ahead. Try something!
Take your hands off me!
So... So... So...
It's sick. It's sick.
It's really sick.
We've got to stop. It's wrong.
It's my worst nightmare.
Stop. Stop.
We've got to stop.
You're right.
Oh!
Keith, what was going on out there?
Looked kind of heated.
Theatrical people. They
shout hello to each other.
Boy, that cannot happen again.
We're going to have
to see them in shifts.
We can't have them doing that in public.
I'll get roasted by the press.
I hope they kill each other.
Are you all right? Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh!
Oh! Oh!
Call me irresponsible
Call me unreliable
Go on and throw in
undependable
Too
Well, do my foolish alibis
Come on. Admit it.
Isn't it great not having
that penned up anymore?
Bore you
You poor thing.
Are you all right?
You don't even
have to talk about it.
I know what it must have been like trapped
out there with that wicked tongue.
I hope you gave it right back
to her as good as she gave it.
Oh, I know I did.
May we have your attention,
please?
The bride's parents?
Where are the bride's parents?
Ah, the lovely mother
and the handsome dad.
Why don't you two little lovebirds
show us what it's all about?
I thought you told them
not to do this.
I thought you did. No!
Go ahead. I want you to.
Oh, God, Keith!
Can you believe it?
How are you? Well, I'm... I'm
just completely horrified.
How are you? I'm very upset.
Why the hell did we do that?
Why else? Alcohol.
I guess it was
just some old itch...
lurking around down there
in some sick hidden place.
It just sort of, uh, popped up.
That's not funny.
We just committed adultery.
I know what we committed.
I am as upset about it
as you are.
Well, I don't think
anyone suspects.
Not with us. Are you kidding?
It's unthinkable.
Look at them over there.
Alan thinks I've made some kind
of psychological breakthrough.
- Look.
- And now the groom's parents.
We got away with it.
So what do you say we just...
get through this dance,
go home,
forget that it ever happened?
Good idea.
It was good though, wasn't it?
I mean, wasn't it?
- It was good?
- It was very good.
You sure know how to send me
to the chiropractor.
Oh, so you miss me that way?
No comment.
And now the newlyweds.
Look, I don't know what I'm gonna
do when this dance is over.
Oh, God. I feel the same way.
Let's just have one more dance.
No. We can't. They'll know.
This is it then? It has to be.
Well, never ever
in my wildest dreams...
Who the hell knows
anything anyway, right?
Not me.
- Good-bye, Danny.
-
Good-bye, Lilly.
See? You had nothing
to worry about.
Mm-hmm.
I was so proud of you today.
Do we have to bring these quivering
little rats with us everywhere we go?
She didn't mean that.
Yes, I meant it.
Okay, what is it?
Nothing, nothing.
Alan, can we go home now? I think
I know why you're agitated.
What do you mean?
Well, in layman's terms,
it's a rush from finally having
released all that anger toward Dan.
Do you remember we talked
about psychological mastery?
I know you thought I was
blathering on at the time.
But now do you
see what I meant?
You had a tremendous act
of separation individuation.
You confronted your bogeyman.
You grabbed your gremlin.
Now do you see
how important talking is?
What? Oh!
Yes. Oh, it's important.
You finally overcame the narcissistic
injury of that relationship...
and you felt
the empowerment of closure.
It was a victory
for me as well,
because you remember that
recurring dream I had...
about the wild dogs
gnawing at my genitals?
Before I thought those dogs
symbolized our children.
But how could that be?
I love our children so much.
Now I see the dogs
symbolize Dan,
and my genitals...
symbolize... my genitals.
I think that's the key... Hello?
- Lilly?
-
It's me.
Oh, God. What do you want?
- I'm curious about something.
- What?
Does this mean
that we're speaking?
Apparently.
Okay, good, because
I have to talk to you.
No. No!
Coffee. I'm not trying
to start anything here.
Meet me downstairs
in five minutes.
You just want to sit
and talk to me?
Yeah, I think it's a fitting
end to a sinister afternoon.
Sinister? You call sexual
attraction to me sinister?
All right, then, calamitous.
Remember that funny thing...
It was just a cigar.
Uh, Keith? Hmm?
I know you're going
to think I'm a little weird,
but that sounded
just like my mother's laugh.
Molly.
You've got to stop fixating on your parents.
It's not normal.
Hmm? Yeah.
That's it. Did you hear that?
That braying? Okay, I'm sorry.
Never mind. Never mind.
I'm insane, aren't I?
That is my dad!
Oh, for God's sake, Molly.
It sounded just like him.
Well, it can't possibly
be him, can it? I know.
I know. Okay.
Mmm. Mmm.
So? I'm sorry.
I don't think I'm going to be
able to get comfortable here...
'til I know what's going on.
Molly!
That cannot possibly be your parents in
the same room having a high old time.
You do know that, don't you?
Uh, I can't. Can you look?
Look? How? Look?
Uh, just look out the window.
Kind of crane around.
I am not gonna spy
on some poor couple.
You really want me to do this.
I'll hold your legs.
What do you mean? Rowena
didn't like my bald spot,
so she made me do this thing where
they put something under your scalp.
They blow it up
like a balloon.
They cut away the bald skin, and
then they suture you back up.
I tell you, I have no feeling
at the top of my head.
It's dead up here. Look. Look.
You can drop coconuts on it.
Let me kiss it alive.
Oh, would you? Would you? Would you?
I'm comin' in, baby!
Oh, my God!
I thought they hated each other.
They're supposed to!
They did. They have.
Oh, God. We can't stay here.
I'm not going to stay
and listen to my parents having
sex on my wedding night.
I'm not leaving. What?
Tell them to leave. No!
I'm not going to walk in
on them when they're...
Oh, God! Oh!
We want another room.
Is there something wrong?
You couldn't begin to imagine.
But the Maple Room is the
largest... Just switch it!
Please. I'm afraid we can't.
We just have the six rooms,
and the last one just rented.
Uh, Keith. Yes?
I've got a bad feeling, like we
shouldn't stay here another second.
We really don't want to know what's
going on up there, do we? No, we don't.
Let's just drive out of here
before something hideous...
Where would we go? Uh,
let's go to the airport.
I am not spending my wedding night in those
orange plastic chairs waiting for a flight.
Oh, thank God, you guys are up.
Listen, have you
seen your father?
Uh, no. This is very weird.
If I didn't know better, I'd
think he was having an affair.
No! No!
Then why did he shave
to go for a walk? Ma'am?
You haven't seen my husband,
have you?
Oh, yes. He just rented
the Birch Room for his sister.
Of course.
But, look, we've gotten
you up. Please, uh...
If there's nothing else
I can do? Good night, dear.
Good night.
Birch.
Duck and cover.
Well, quite the little
detective, aren't you?
Better than I was.
Would you have the decency to
tell me where my husband is?
My ex-husband went back to try and make
some lame, pathetic excuse to you.
Obviously it was too late.
This is the worst behavior I have
ever encountered in another adult.
Oh, Rowena,
I didn't mean to hurt you.
It was just
"spontaneous combustion."
Did you have to gloat?
Oh, yes, I definitely did.
You can make jokes. You're
not the one in the hot seat.
Oh, come on. She's gone to tell Alan.
She's not gonna let me get out of this.
Then I guess you're
in the hot seat too.
What should we do? Nothing.
You're right. She'll tell Alan.
There will be threats and
scenes, hollering and crying,
quarts of Maalox
down people's throats.
And you know what? What?
I'm not in the mood. I'm not
in the mood for that at all.
Can we avoid it?
Oh, no, we can't avoid it.
But we can postpone it.
How do you mean, gone?
Away! They left! That's
what gone usually means.
Can we not get hysterical? They
could be back in 20 minutes.
Yes, you would be calm.
Oh, Alan.
You're the natural child
of those people.
On some subterranean level, you're
glad this happened. She's glad.
Alan, Rowena, you have
been wonderful to me.
They have been much better off with the
two of you than they ever were together.
I never wanted this.
Was there some reason why you had to
invite them both? That wasn't my idea.
You didn't tell me they were certifiable.
I begged you to elope.
I don't want to argue.
I'm sorry.
Pull it together. This from a
mental health professional.
It's not my fault!
On top of everything else,
she took my Prozavil.
It was in her purse. I'm supposed
to take it every four hours.
Or what?
You turn into a basket case?
No, just slight
manic-depressive tendencies.
Oh, no, no. Oh, no!
My life is over! Shut up!
I don't think there's much more Keith
and I can do about this right now, so...
No, no, no, no.
You have to help us.
How can I? I don't know!
But you did this.
I know you didn't mean to,
but you brought them back together.
Help us get them back.
I don't know where they are.
Haven't I been a friend to you?
Who got you that Lacroix prom dress?
Who got you electrolysis?
You'd have one big eyebrow
if it weren't for me!
Molly, please?
Molly.
Um, can you excuse me?
Dogs. I need dogs.
Do you really think
they're coming back? Uh...
Oh, boy. Look, this
is not our problem.
It is a big problem, Molly.
I'm running for Congress
on a family values platform.
I can't have some tacky Hollywood
adultery scandal with my new in-laws.
The press will eat it up.
Someone has to find them...
and get them back here quietly
before this hits the tabloids.
Uh, I think it's too late.
Oh, for Chr... All he needs is to
see these two in here blubbering.
He'll know what happened. We've
got to get them home quietly.
Where is he now? Um...
He's going around the back.
I'll be back as soon as
I've hired a detective.
I want to come with you. No!
What if your parents come back?
He can't see them together.
Honey, I'm sorry.
This is what being a political
wife is all about: Damage control.
Oh, God! Just find some
way to get rid of him.
Get him arrested.
You see how important this is?
I know, it's just
this is our honeymoon.
Think how much better our honeymoon will be...
knowing I still have a career.
I know.
Love you.
So... she ran off, didn't she?
- No!
- Then where is she?
I don't have to answer that.
You know what I think? I think
she ran off with some guy.
You're delusional.
Then what's this?
"Dear Molly,
"This will make more sense to you
when you're on your second husband."
What is that? She left
you a note at the desk.
So you just take it? It
wouldn't be the first time.
So, uh, she ran off with Dan.
Listen, you are not gonna put my parents
on the cover of some sleazy tabloid...
Dan's your dad?
Oh, man! They're
gonna love this one!
Let's go! Where are you going?
That's for me to know and you
to read in the paper. Wait!
This is big, big, big bucks!
Please!
Uh, what is your name?
My name? You wanna know my name?
Yes.
It's Joey Donna.
Joey, you seem to be very
talented at finding my mother.
That's what I do. Um, right.
Well, I was wondering if maybe
you could find her for me.
For you? Yes.
You would be encouraging me
to do this?
This once, yes.
You have absolutely no idea
where she is, do ya?
I... No, no.
So, after all the times you people
have thrown me out of places...
and slammed doors in my face
and shook me out of trees,
all of a sudden I'm supposed
to switch sides?
- So it's a matter of money?
- Four bills, minimum.
I.e., $400?
I.e.? Who says I.e.?
- Isn't that kind of high?
- I.e. Who talks like that?
Yes or no?
All right, I'm in. Come on.
But no pictures!
Definitely not.
I mean it. I see a camera,
I will smash it.
As long as you
understand that.
Okay. Deal?
Hey, Bri,
what's my girlfriend up to?
- Who are you talking to?
- Shh. Uh-huh.
Versace? Missoni, yeah?
How much at La Pergla?
She must really
like this guy, huh?
Hey, thanks, Bri. Who loves ya?
You're the best.
All right. Bye, Bri.
We seem to be on a little
shopping spree in town.
Come on. Come on.
That phone call.
That was her bank, wasn't it?
You have a spy in her bank telling
you her credit card records.
Let me ask you something.
What's so bad about this? Why
is this making you nuts?
Your parents are back together.
Isn't that nice?
No. They have been happily married
to other people for 14 years.
Yeah? Well, personally,
I never liked old Alan.
I don't think he respects her.
Excuse me? All those times I've
been right in his wife's face,
he never took a swing at me.
How can you talk about Alan not respecting her?
Look what you do.
Come on. What?
She loves it.
Okay, she loves being
constantly harassed.
I'm her biggest fan. Who do you think
keeps her on the cover of the Globe?
She should pay me. I just
hope they're being discreet.
Oh, come here, you.
It's so nice to see a mature,
loving relationship.
It's adulterous,
but thank you very much.
Oh, I love this. I love everything
about being the other woman.
It's so... French.
So, what did you miss about me?
Absolutely nothing.
Liar. I'm serious. Every
hour was a blessed relief.
Come on.
Your singing. Mmm.
2:00 in the morning, in the
bathtub, glass of champagne.
Is that why you stabbed your
actress in the throat 27 times?
You read my book.
I knew you would. I skimmed
it in the checkout line.
Uh-huh. You missed me.
And I suppose you didn't sneak off to
the movies to ogle me once or twice?
I saw you win the Civil War
single-handedly.
Wait. What?
I just got a tingle.
My paparazzi.
He's out here.
We better get you
off the street.
Oh. A hotel?
I hope you're paying.
You'd let me pay?
You've mellowed.
You have to pay. I cancelled
all my credit cards.
He thinks I'm not onto him, that little
cockroach, but he has been fumigated.
Come on. Altogether.
As a group.
Come on! Go up the stairs.
You know how to go up stairs.
One paw in front of another.
Would you just...
At the risk of being critical...
No, I've got to say...
Would you, please...
Children, children, please. Would you
just take it easy? Mommy's not here.
Go ahead. Mommy's not here.
Let me take your leashes off.
Just let me take your...
All right! Down!
Open your own can.
Message. Message.
Hi, Alan. It's Molly.
If Keith's with you, can you please
tell him to stay there? -Well!
It's for you. Don't hire a detective.
I found someone to find them.
I'll meet you at Mom's later.
Found who?
Thanks.
American.
Hello? Oh.
Yeah, uh, look, Phil, I'm gonna
have to cancel our session.
Yes, I'm going through
something here.
I know. I know!
I don't think you're having
a marital crisis, are you?
Hey, she's still there,
isn't she?
She hasn't run off with some
morally bankrupt ex-lover!
You want my advice, Phil?
Do you? Shut up!
Okay? For once
in your life, shut up!
You have feelings about that?
We'll talk about it Monday.
It's over.
Someone will see them.
7:00 tonight
it will be all over E.T.
My friends will know my
marriage is over and drop me.
Friends don't drop you
'cause you're single.
What planet are you from?
You know something? I have
just about had it with you.
You have no feeling
for your husband at all.
All you care is you're not
gonna get into La Bernadin...
like all the other
liposuctioned-up second wives.
Tell me. Is any of your face or
body original? Just curious.
You must make
a lovely therapist.
My marriage is ending, okay?
I am a nationally prominent
marital authority.
How is it going to look when my
own marriage crashes and burns?
Go back on drugs.
You are so at odds
with your shadow self.
Zip it. Ohh!
Have you done any... Come on, Alsace.
Get off of her.
He's not interested.
There's nothing there for you.
I don't understand.
You wouldn't. She just happened to
cancel her cards, just like that?
She's a very smart lady.
Why are we here?
I told you! Research!
At a tabloid?
Exactly. Hey, Lis!
Don't talk to me.
I'll pay ya back! Yeah!
Ah, women. You're just vamping.
Those cards were your
whole umbilicus to her.
"Umbilicus"?
Where'd you dig that one up?
Could you just explain this, please?
Your mom's sentimental.
I figure they went somewhere
they been before.
Being as her whole life
is right here on hard drive...
This is worse than the F.B.I.
Joey! Donna! Get off my desk!
Rufus, give me five minutes huh?
Five minutes. One!
You're the best.
You don't even work here.
I almost do.
They buy from me sometimes.
Well, your magnum opus.
I had a bad month, all right?
I needed new tires.
So you just expose her at her
most vulnerable for a quick buck.
Okay, here we go. Wedding day.
Tsk! Oh, you were cute!
H-How could that be me?
Wait, wait, wait.
I was already born
when they got married?
Where is this?
I know that pillar.
I spent four hours behind
that pillar waitin' for Cher.
Morally unconscious
party animals.
That's the Majestic Hotel!
That's it. That's it.
They lied. I'm...
A love child. Yeah. Welcome to the club.
Let's go.
Come on.
You're here either way.
You were born. That's all that counts.
Don't tell Keith.
When would I tell him? Like
we go to the same parties.
How'd you hook up
with that guy anyway?
I met him at the Yale Club.
Oh, the Yale Club.
Is that where people go
when they realize nobody gives a
shit where they went to school?
What makes you the big authority on relationships?
Have you ever even had one?
More than I can handle.
Oh? Really?
Do you have one now?
My time's tight. I work a lot.
What you do is not work.
How would you know? Have
you ever worked, princess?
I'm going to graduate school.
I.e., no!
I work 16, 18 hours a day.
I'm at all the parties...
Don't you mean outside them,
lurking?
I'm gettin'
a little sick of this.
You want me to help you? You
treat me like a professional.
I'm good at what I do. You either
respect that or get Keith to help you.
I'm sure that old Yale
diploma will be a big help.
I'm sorry, all right?
But just don't run down
my boyfriend.
Don't you mean your husband?
It's like Grand Central
Station in here.
Think this is tough? Ha! How can you
find a person in a hotel this size?
First you get a look
at the register.
If that doesn't work out, you bribe the bellman.
Or if you can't...
Okay, fine, but first
I have to call Keith.
By all means, call Keith.
Oh, right.
Oh, my God!
Excuse me? Psst.
I don't believe this.
Look, I never do this,
but I am such a big fan.
Oh, thank you. You're Dan
Demauro, aren't you?
Well, yes, I am. Look, I'm
reading Blonde In Cement Heels.
Tell me I'm good.
Good at what?
Take a gander.
Could you sign this for me?
- Oh!
- What's your name?
I love the way
they're keeping a low profile.
Let's go get them. Come on.
Uh, that's okay.
What's okay?
I mean, I can do this.
So, uh, this is it.
What are you talkin' about? You found
them, right? So, uh, it's $400.
I hope a check's okay. Hold on a second.
What's your rush?
She's gonna see you. She's gonna cause problems.
I think you should go.
I wanna meet her.
What?
I wanna meet your mother.
But you know her already.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I just never met her.
I want to be introduced.
Like a person?
Oh. Wow!
Look, I didn't mean it that way.
I appreciate the job you did.
I do. It's just... Look, my mother hates you.
If she sees you... Please.
How did you recognize me?
Please.
Could you give me an autograph?
Vermin alert!
How ya doin'?
You're the cockroach?
Only to my friends.
Following, spying, tracking
her like a bloodhound.
Make up your mind. I'm either
a cockroach or a bloodhound.
Hey, a mixed metaphor is the least
of your problems, my friend.
You know what would be nice? If
you would leave my wife alone!
She's your ex-wife, Dad. We have
to have a talk. Put him down.
Oh, boo.
I thought we were so clever.
This is so annoying. You two could
look at least a little guilty.
Please. He is with me.
Let him go.
I'm sorry. I didn't
know he was your date.
He's not! Yeah?
It's a long story. Uh-huh.
His name's Joey Donna. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Joey, my parents.
Look, look, look. There's
somethin' I want to say to you.
Yes? I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have taken that...
Fat. Fat. The word is fat.
I shouldn't have shown you as
a... As an enormous fat pig?
Right. I mean, no!
I mean, you're beautiful.
I promise I will never
ever, ever do that again.
Are you saying you'll never take a picture
of her again as long as you live?
What are you, high? I mean I'm
only gonna take good ones.
And nothin' from the left.
And no low angles.
You know that makes chins.
- No chins. Done deal.
- It better be.
Could we discuss your own behavior?
Don't be boring.
Let's have a drink. Is
it mimosa time, darling?
With you, my darling,
always. Join us?
Yeah, I could use a little somethin'.
In my new book...
Dad, that's not what we...
So, what's going on here?
Nothing, Mother! Oh, I understand.
He's adorable.
What? Why do you think I
never had him arrested?
Where the hell is she?
Ooh! Your wife's disappeared.
My heart bleeds.
The red-eye is shot.
We can't make Kennedy.
For what?
Our honeymoon?
We were going to Hawaii.
Does either of you have
the slightest recollection
that you disrupted
my honeymoon?
Hmm? Get out while you can.
My dad warned me not to intermarry
with a bunch of Bohemians.
Offered me 50 grand
just to call it off.
I am saying that you are not
just hurting them,
you are hurting me and Keith.
And for what? Are you going
to stay together forever?
Oh, God! Would you stop it?
That is so grotesque.
Grotesque? Oh,
we don't want to be that.
Oh.
What's going to happen
when you have a fight, hmm?
You know what you're
going to do. I mean...
I know what you're doing with your feet under there.
I don't appreciate it.
Oh, honey, I thought
you wanted us to get along.
Hold a civil conversation, yes.
Flaunt some
perverse affair, no.
Flaunt? Who's flaunting? We haven't
been swinging from the chandeliers.
We went through a lot
of trouble to disappear.
It's rude of you
to dig us up like this.
- They got a point.
- Whose side are you on?
- Theirs.
- All right.
I mean, what are your plans?
Run away? Become fugitives?
We don't have any plans. If we make
them, they might not work out.
Exactly. Oh.
Excuse me for thinking
that occasionally...
people should think through insane
things before they do them.
But then again, if you had
ever done that in your lives,
maybe I wouldn't
be illegitimate.
Honey, that was the '70s.
That is no excuse.
Alan and Rowena are in shreds.
I don't know how
you can do this to them.
These are people you have
lived with for 14 years.
Have you no human feeling?
Molly, we know what
you're saying is heartfelt,
valid and mature.
And to be honest,
it's making us feel
ashamed of ourselves.
But? No buts.
If you'll come upstairs
with us now and help us pack,
we'll go home.
Really?
You'll come too?
Yeah, okay.
Listen, you guys,
I am very sorry...
Honey, don't be sorry.
You've always had better morals
than we've had. Well, thanks.
We left a ton of stuff
in the bathroom.
Why don't you two go scoop that up?
We'll be out of here in no time.
We don't want to forget...
Look around.
Be careful.
Where's that brown suede jacket that we got?
I don't want to forget...
Oh, here it is. And that
little green suit of mine?
I wore it in my last picture.
Hurry up.
Okay, okay. Ow!
Mom, there's hardly
anything in here...
Mother!
Mom!
Oh, they are good.
Can ya...
So what's the problem?
It's jammed.
Oh! Oh! Okay.
Where's the phone?
There has to be ano...
There was.
We've been had, baby.
Well, that's just great.
That is great. It's
like I'm eight years old,
and I'm locked in
my room with a time-out.
Well, you did threaten them.
Someone's going to
come up here, aren't they?
Hi. We don't wish to be disturbed
for the rest of the evening.
We don't want a single soul
to set foot on the floor.
We don't want maid service. We
don't want the weather report.
We don't want those little pieces of
chocolate that you put on the bed.
You understand.
I understand perfectly.
I thought you would.
Wow. Flaunt that testosterone.
Molly!
Hello!
Molly? Can't they hear us?
Hello!
Forget it!
It's a prewar building.
- It's a bomb shelter.
- Hello!
I can't stay here.
Where ya gonna go?
Keith has no idea where I am. I
just can't no-show my honeymoon.
Molly, chill out.
He's gonna think I am insane,
just like the rest of my family.
He's gonna think I'm one of them.
He'll deal with it.
Do you know how lucky I am that
someone normal wanted to marry me?
And now I've just
totally blown it.
People are gonna say, "Have you ever
been married?" I gonna say, "Yeah.
For 24 hours!"
Uh, uh, look, just, uh...
Just take it easy, all right?
I'm gonna get us outta
here, all right? How?
Come on.
What are you doing? Watch this.
Hey, up here, you! Come on! Ha!
There she goes
Ooh! Ooh! Cops!
They hate this.
Piss 'em off.
They'll come up here.
That's very clever.
Hey! Up here!
Some kids are chuckin' fruit.
Yeah.
Whoo! Hey!
You used to do that? Oh, yeah.
I once threw a water balloon
at a priest.
Hey, wait! Where ya goin'?
We're throwin' fruit up here!
What is this? The only two guys in
the whole city that aren't jerks.
Hey! Where are you goin'?
There she goes
- There she goes again
- Oh, my God.
All right, Molly. Let 'er rip.
You'll feel better.
There you go!
Oh! God!
But I just can't contain
This feeling that remains
There she goes
- There she goes
- Go!
Whoo!
There she goes
There you go.
Oh, God! That was good!
So what'll he do to you?
Well, he'll want
to talk about it.
Talk? That's it? Just talk?
Days and nights of talking.
Marathon talking.
About how and why we can
build from a new foundation.
I'll probably go off my nut.
Hey, you two.
Oh, it's been some years,
all right. Where ya been?
It's good to see
the two of you together.
I didn't think
you were gonna make it.
I guess we did cause
a few scenes around here.
Yeah, you cleared
the place out pretty good.
How long you been married now?
It would have... 25 years.
Twenty-five glorious years.
Well, good for you.
Most people just don't want
to put in the work, do they?
Is that all it takes?
Anyway, happy 25th.
You know, I believe
this is your song.
I used to walk with you
Along the avenue
Our hearts were
carefree and gay
How could I know
I'd lose you
Somewhere along the way
The friends we used to know
Would always smile hello
No love like our love
they'd say
Then love slipped
through our fingers
Somewhere along the way
I should forget
But with the loneliness
of night
I start remembering
Everything
You're gone and yet
There's still a feeling
Deep inside that
you will always be
Part of me
So now I look for you
Along the avenue
And as I wander I pray
That someday soon
I'll find you
Somewhere along the way
Somewhere along
The way
Yeah.
And this is from someone that you
expect to be a mature person.
It's unforgivable. That's all.
Thanks for seeing me home. At
least someone's a gentleman.
Am I? One of the last.
Then why am I being treated
so contemptuously?
It's 3:00 in the morning.
She can't pick up a phone?
Have another drink.
No. No, I...
- Come on!
- What the hell?
I'm beginning to understand
how you feel.
Oh, you can't.
You can't possibly imagine...
what it's like to be somebody's
ex-wife in this town.
Even if it comes to that, which it
won't, Rowena, you're successful.
You invented the Greek Revival look.
You're in demand.
They're probably ripping my card
out of every Rolodex as we speak.
Rowena, that's ludicrous.
You are one of
the most beautiful women...
that I've ever seen.
You think so?
Mmm. Yes.
Uh, your weddin' rings.
Left them on the sink.
Thank you.
Hey, don't worry. Your parents aren't
going to leave us up here forever.
Hey, you want some water?
Yeah.
I'm sure they'll spring us
by morning, you know.
Thanks.
No bubbles or nothin', but...
How do you know I like bubbles?
I could tell you,
but I think you'd get mad.
At this point,
I really doubt it.
Okay. That night your mom took
you out to dinner on your 21st?
I was on the ledge.
How? We were four stories up.
You don't believe me?
Okay. You were
wearin' this, um,
this white clingy
dress thing with a...
low cut...
Yeah, you look
really good in that.
How come you don't
wear that now?
If you really want to know, it's because
I need to lose a couple of pounds.
- What?
- I do. Keith says I do.
- He's crazy.
- No, no. He's right.
No, he's wrong. You're perfect.
Can I ask you something?
Yeah. Sure.
Don't you feel guilty... I mean, when
you take those pictures of people...
Don't you feel like you're
stealing someone's private moment?
Nah. I love what I do.
My dad and my brothers,
they pack meat for a living.
Nobody ever thought I was gonna
make it in show business, you know?
They all think I'm nuts.
But, uh, I'm gonna open up
my own studio.
I don't know when, but, uh...
I'm gonna do celebrity
portraits, you know?
Not like now.
I mean, they're gonna let me.
Hmm.
I hope it happens for you.
Yeah, me too.
Well, good night, Joey.
Yeah, good night.
Oh, God.
What are you doing here?
Don't tell me you don't remember.
Oh.
I certainly wish I didn't.
You got what you wanted.
How dare you.
You're the one who lunged.
You started it. You smoldered.
That was the last enthusiasm you
showed for anything, I might add.
I was hardly inspired.
I told you. I have to be on the bottom.
I have a bad back.
Among other things.
All right, just stop this.
Stop this right now. Look.
I don't care what you think
or what I think.
This didn't happen!
I am a newlywed.
She's certainly in for a treat.
Housekeeping.
Uh, yeah.
Come in! Come in!
Good morning!
Good mornin'.
Well, I see nobody got lucky.
All right, honey. What we did
wasn't very nice. I admit it.
But there was a reason.
Your father and I just wanted
one more night. That's all.
Just one more night without
people bursting in on us...
and screaming and yelling
and threatening suicide.
It made us so happy.
It was the happiest I've been
since it was okay to take drugs.
If you print that,
I'll kill ya.
Anyway, you'll be thrilled
to know that...
I'm ready to go home.
Really.
Can I have the phone, please?
You gonna forgive me?
Never, as long as I live.
Well, at least you're honest.
She gets that from me, you know.
I know.
Where have you been all night?
Walking. Then why
aren't you wet?
It's been raining all night,
and you're dry.
What are you, my wife?
Hello?
Keith, it's Molly.
Well, finally! Oh, thank God!
It's Mommy!
One would have thought you might have had
the courtesy to locate and pick up a phone.
Well, it wasn't
really my fault.
Hello, Keith? It's my fault.
I imprisoned her
in a room overnight.
Tell her...
I don't believe that.
He doesn't believe me.
It's fine.
Keith, it's a really long story.
Tell Alan I'm bringing Mom home now.
This is an incredibly
unacceptable beginning.
When you come, I believe I'm entitled
to a very detailed explanation.
He was so cold.
I've never heard him like that.
If that's how he is on day
two, you might want to bail.
Mom, I don't want
to hear about it.
Let's just go, all right?
I'm... I'm ready.
Oh, honey, you don't have
to take your mother's advice,
but I wouldn't go back to my angry
husband looking like that.
Mom had better
lend you a dress.
Let's see. What do we have
in our magic box today?
No, that's for me.
I feel completely ridiculous.
Who wears this color?
I wear that color. It's
too sexual for midday.
Come on, honey. You look great.
Yeah, you look, uh, nice.
Mother, don't.
I just have to say good-bye.
Mother!
Well... This was...
Oh, it was.
I'm glad we... Oh, me too.
I think it definitely
served its purpose.
No. No, no... Oh! Oh!
Okay!
Oh, Lilly. I can't go back.
I can't either.
I mean ever.
I never meant to leave you.
I still love you, Lilly. I never
loved anybody else in my whole life.
Come here, baby.
God.
Ah, ya chump.
Baila conmigo
Baila conmigo
Baila al son
de mis cimbales
Baila al son de la conga
Look at them.
Just crashing
those people's wedding.
They don't seem to mind.
You know, it kind of
reminds me of your weddin'.
Baila conmigo
Baila conmigo
Givin' up, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm givin' up.
So, uh, you want me to
give you a ride somewhere?
No. Thanks.
I'm just not ready.
Keith?
I can't face him. I...
He's already furious at me,
and now he'll be more furious.
I failed.
I won't bring him back,
and he won't get elected,
and it'll be my fault.
Uh, miss? Yeah.
Uh, we need a drink here.
Miss?
What's her problem?
That happens to me a lot.
It does, huh?
Yeah. Where is that...
Stand up. Why?
Take that off. Come on.
Come on. Just take it off. Put my dad's on.
How ya doin'?
Okay.
I look like an idiot.
Do you mind if I say something?
Yeah. A lot.
I think a little change in your appearance
might help your problem with women.
What problem with women?
Shut up. Okay.
Just wait. Come on.
Aw, for cryin' out loud.
Just... wait. Just wait.
It's not bad.
Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Here she comes.
- Try it again.
- Just smile. Don't leer.
Miss?
Yes, sir? Uh, vodka
grapefruit for the lady.
Sure. I'm not even gonna
ask how you knew that.
Did you see that?
I bet if I went to a restaurant
right now, they would seat me.
Have you been helped, sir?
Uh, yes, I have. Thank you.
Wow!
I could get used to this. Whew.
Whoo! Ooh!
Oh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Hup, hup, ooh
There they are. Over there.
Ooh!
Enjoying yourself, Mother?
Ooh, I'm having a ball!
Look at you!
You cleaned up nice.
Come on, paparazzi.
Let's see what you got.
You wanna dance with me?
Sure. Can ya?
Yeah, I can hold my own.
Prove it! Easy on the
jacket, cockroach.
Yes, sir. Okay.
Cantero, canamero
Uh
Molly? Uh
Come on, Dad.
This is so embarrassing.
Bad mood, huh?
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay. Let's dance.
No, Dad, please. I have so
many things on my mind.
Molly, honey, look, I think I've been
pretty good about this whole Keith thing.
I'm not going to lecture you about
love, commitment and marriage,
because I've blown
every one of them.
Don't you want to have some fun?
Did you ever think about that?
Are you gonna have fun on
the campaign trail with him,
smiling at some sewage plant opening
or going to a $1,000-a-plate dinner...
where the wives are wallpaper?
I just want you to have fun for five
minutes before you settle for that.
And I want you to dance
with the old man.
Come on. You know you
can't resist it. Oh.
You know what I'm gonna give ya?
Uh-huh.
I'm gonna give ya...
Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta Right.
Make that turn and let's go
I told you, Rowena. They're at the Majestic.
Molly said she's bringing them back.
I don't know when. Imminently.
She is not a lying slut!
And you should talk...
I believe they'll be back
momentarily. Yes, I do.
Yes... I don't need
to listen to this!
There's no talking to her!
What is it with you two?
You're worse than my patients.
They're not coming. All right.
All righty!
We're going. We're all going.
We're gonna round 'em up and lasso 'em
and drag 'em back here like cattle.
Is that what you want? Yeah!
Gente del fuego
Gente del fuego
Whoo! Gente del fuego
Sorry!
Gente del fuego
Gente del fuego
Gente del fuego
Ya-hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
River of days
Should we, uh...
Ocean of night Yeah.
We drift away
All of our lives
Years I sailed
Many miles from shore
Until I looked
Ooh. Where'd you learn this?
From a girl.
Oh? All right. My sister.
Look, uh, big surprise.
I mean, women never really
went for me all that much.
Maybe it's your chosen profession.
Nah.
I think it's the things
I say and do.
Well, they're all
lookin' at ya now.
You could have any girl
in this place you want.
No, I can't. Yeah, ya can.
No. I can't.
Oh. Joey.
Look, I know. I'm not stupid.
It is not because
I don't think you're...
I mean, you really
are very, very...
Yeah, thanks. You
don't have to... I do.
It's... It's just, uh...
I'm married.
It's definitely a problem.
I mean, even if I wasn't,
Joey, I...
Our styles are like...
Completely.
Wrong.
We'd drive each other just...
Loony Tunes?
It would never work.
It'd never work.
And go free
One shining moment
The instant
I looked at your face
For one shining moment
For a lifetime
along the way
Oh, my goodness. Huh?
What do you call that? Oh.
One shining moment
The two-day itch?
As long as she's distracted, why
don't we take this as our cue?
To run away? Yeah.
We can't just ride into the sunset.
Where would we live?
Venice, Newark. I don't care.
Don't you think we should at least
say something to our spouses?
Why? We've come this far.
You want to be just totally
irresponsible? Totally.
Unless you don't want... No,
no, no, I just thought...
I was just thinking that maybe we
do sort of owe them something.
You mean you owe Rowena something?
No, no, sweetness.
I would never say
anything like that. Good.
But it does seem like the
gentlemanly thing to do
to tell her it's over
after 14 years.
Why? You were with me 12. You went straight
to Fiji with her and never came back.
That was after I found Alan
luxuriating in my bathrobe.
I beg your pardon.
It was after I found one of Rowena's
bright red hairs in my bed!
The bitch sheds like a sheepdog.
Lilly. Lilly.
I know. Okay.
But you could have left me
a friggin' note.
Goddamn it, Lillian.
All right. I'm sorry.
I think this is a subject
best left alone forever.
Spoken like the guilty party.
Here we go, huh?
Never mind. No, no, no, no.
You want to talk about
it, darling? No.
Good.
Because I'm not the one
who went on Joan Rivers...
on national television and told
her that "I finally found...
a real man in my life."
Don't you think you could have served
me the papers before you did that?
And don't you think it would
have been utterly fabulous...
if you had asked me for a divorce
before Rowena printed the invitations?
I told you a thousand times
I had nothing to do with that.
You went through with it!
So did you!
You want to go back?
Me? How about you?
You backpedal a mile a minute!
Here we go.
You wanna go back to that nipped
and tucked trophy wife of yours!
You're a witch, Lillian!
Am I? Am I a witch?
Yeah! Take that, you shit!
Don't worry. I've been through this 100 times.
There's nothing you can do.
I hate you.
You know what you are?
You are the high priestess
of hysteria!
How dare you?
I'm not hysterical!
You're hysterical. Your veins are bulging!
I hope your sutures pop!
- Come on, you two.
- Get outta here!
I hope your face shrivels up!
I hope your gonads shrivel up and
drop off and make terrible noises!
What is this? It's not, uh...
Okay, it is.
This is about a picture?
N-No. What? Another
picture of my mother?
I was going to. I thought
about it, but I didn't.
Well, I don't believe you.
Molly?
You're demented, Lilly! I
thought you were on my side!
I am on your side! Me drag you?
You're nymphomaniacal!
You were the aggressor! I know why! You
wanted to ruin my beautiful marriage!
Yeah, 'cause you wouldn't trust anybody
that wasn't wavin' a Yale diploma!
If that's what you think,
then you don't know me!
If you were half a man!
I am half a man!
The wrong half! Oh, yeah?
I'm twice the man you'll ever be!
I hate you!
You're a hard-boiled... I'd
like to hard-boil your balls!
Alan, take me home.
Lillian, I just want you to know
I don't hold this against you.
I can completely empathize.
I've been working constantly,
giving to everyone else but you.
I'm actually...
I'm grateful to you for...
reminding me how much
I value our marriage.
I want you to tell me everything I
did wrong that led you to do this.
Molly, I'm sorry
I was so short.
That's... That's okay. I never
should have hired him.
That was a pretty
desperate decision.
I know. I'm sorry.
And I forgive you.
You do? Sure. He didn't
get any pictures.
I think this whole thing is going
to blow over without a trace.
Or is it something fundamental?
Is it something I can't change?
You think my head's too big for my body?
No. But I mean...
I understand
if you want to leave me.
I do. I did get you kind of
unfairly in the first place.
I was pretty ruthless about it.
Oh, but I loved you so much.
And now that it's happened
to me, I have to face myself.
Maybe I deserve this.
Balls, Rowena.
Cut to the chase.
Are we back together? Not
if you keep this shit up.
Well, I guess
we missed the plane.
It's all taken care of. I got
us on a flight in the morning.
What happened, happened.
The present is now.
Uh... I'm not going
to wallow, recriminate.
Because we're ventilating.
We're interfacing.
We're really building
from a new foundation.
Sometimes the inner child
just says, "Change me.
I've gone poo. Change me."
Maybe your inner child
just wants to throw a toy.
Where's your room?
Uh, over there.
We have a little time,
if you want to lie down?
Oh, um, uh...
Alan wanted me
to walk his dogs.
So... Yeah.
Okay. Well, I'm beat.
Okay, well,
I'm gonna walk the dogs, so...
Taxi?
No, Rowena. I do not want
to renew our wedding vows.
Dad, it's me.
Oh, hi, Molly.
Come on in.
Came to say good-bye, huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
How come you're not
working on your computer?
I like this old thing better.
I always did better work on this.
I thought before I typed.
Look, I, um,
I wanted to apologize...
for intruding on you and Mom
the way I did.
I never should have... You
did me a favor. Really.
Well, it was
none of my business.
I should have let you...
Molly, you were right.
You're always right.
Don't you know you're the only
sane one in this entire circus?
Yeah, well, I...
I've been thinking a lot
about what you said about me.
The Matsons are here.
Just one moment, please, Rowena!
I'm sorry, honey. Go ahead.
What you said
about not settling...
and about having
some fun before...
Daddy, I don't think
I've had very much fun.
No, Molly, honey,
don't listen to me.
You should never listen to me.
Don't you know that by now?
Look at me today.
I'm on the dance floor with this
woman who's out to destroy me,
thinking I'm having fun.
She's feeding me arsenic,
and I don't even know it.
Believe me, you don't want
to do what I did.
So you think it's better
to settle for something...
even though you know
in your heart it's...
Dan... Oh.
Hello, Molly.
Uh, Dan, we're gonna
lose our reservation.
Well, you don't want
to lose your reservation.
Mmm.
Are you okay?
Me? Oh, I'm perfect.
Everything here is fine.
We had a long talk last night.
A long, long, long talk.
He's being a saint. Really, I'm fabulous.
I'm terrific.
Good morning, Molly.
Good morning.
Oh, honey, how are you feeling?
Are we out of bagels?
I'll get you some.
Oh, no, don't bother!
Listen to you. Feed the dogs.
We're communicating? Oh, yes.
She's such a caretaker, huh?
Now, come on. Just stay open to
the idea of liver and kidney.
Don't close yourself off.
You can only imagine.
So how are you and Keith? Did you do it?
None of your business.
In other words, no.
I'd like to try it just once
without my mom in the next room.
Oh, be that way. Ooh, you're
gonna miss your flight.
Honey?
Oh, honey.
Do you want Mommy to take you to the
airport in her big vulgar limo?
I cannot believe
you brought her.
She's depressed. Have you
ever seen her wear black?
I thought we might start to
explore the concept of privacy.
It's gonna be two more minutes.
Probably less.
They're gonna be
boarding already.
We shouldn't have done this.
She wanted to say something
before I let you drag me out.
All right!
Did you know about this? No.
He's never seen me off
anywhere in my whole life.
But not with anger. Anger
is such a cheap emotion.
I gotta go.
Mother, don't. Lillian.
This is potentially a backsliding situation.
You have a choice.
Dan, let's go. She doesn't have
exclusive rights to our daughter.
Only morally and legally.
She's an adult.
She's free to reject you.
I'm not putting up with this.
You had to ruin this for me.
I couldn't possibly have any fatherly interest.
I'm here to create a scene.
Absolutely.
That's right, Lillian.
The world revolves around you.
You clearly think so, otherwise
you wouldn't be stalking me.
I wouldn't stalk you if...
That's it! Stop it!
You're both crazy.
Why don't you accept that your marriage
is over and get on with your lives?
Stop infecting the rest of us with
your bad taste and immaturity.
Oh, no.
Bad taste? Immaturity, huh?
You should talk,
you little weenie.
You been married
two whole days?
This is what we talked about.
Toxic parents.
See what she's married? A pompous
little ass. Patronizing.
My parents knew how
to set an example.
Like your father
and those twinkie models?
Is that what's ahead
for my Molly?
You have the gall to tell me I'm an
unfit partner for your daughter...
when your own marriage
was a joke?
I know how to be a husband.
Oh, do you?
Rowena.
You're shedding again.
Stop. You're
looking under rocks.
This is bullshit! I, I... I'm really angry!
Let's just go.
They're all certifiable.
So that's where
you were all night!
I, I... I am not
gonna dignify this.
I'm not. Since when do
you ever want to do it?
Molly, this is total poison.
You know me better than that.
I thought I did.
You! You're the one who hasn't
accounted for last night.
She was with me.
What are you doing here? Look.
What? You want another
picture of my mother?
There she is. Go for it. No!
I-I want you.
Did you sleep with him?
This is the final
boarding call... Molly...
for American Airlines, Flight 395,
service to Los Angeles and Honolulu.
Mom, Dad, can I speak with you
for a moment, please?
Please.
Dan?
This is exactly
what I was afraid of.
Why did you bring her here?
I want you to do
something for me.
I want you to go
on my honeymoon.
Oh, look. You're never gonna get
over each other. You know that.
So why don't you just fly
out of here and deal with it?
What do ya say?
Well, Lilly, are you game?
Always. At last
Thanks, baby.
I love you both very much.
My love has come along
We love you too, honey.
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
What did you do?
Dan! Dan! Oh, butt out.
You're gonna pay for this!
Molly? What are you doing?
Annulling your ass.
The skies above are blue
Good! My father was right!
Hey, Joey!
Here we are in heaven
In heaven
For you are mine at last
Should never have bought that third dog.
He's gonna pay for this.
Good. You got your picture.
You got what you wanted.
So maybe you should
just take your film and...
Wonderful.
I should have seen this coming.
I'm glad I found out now.
This is my wife!
Oh, this is lovely. Beautiful.
Oh, fine. Good riddance!
I found a dream
You're just like them!
That I could speak to
Not yet.
Enjoy your life as a
photographer's assistant!
- Come on.
- Crazy liberals.
And here we are
Here we are
We are in heaven
In heaven
For you are mine
At last
I saw you last night
And got that old feelin'
When you came in sight
I got
that old feelin', dear
The moment you danced by
I felt the thrill
And when you caught my eye
My heart stood still
Yes, once again I seem
To feel that old yearnin'
And I knew
the spark of love
Was still burnin'
There'll be no new romance
for me
It's foolish to start
But that old feelin'
Is still in my heart
Yes, I saw you last night
And got that old feelin'
When you came in sight
Mama, I got that
old feelin', babe
Yes, the moment
you danced by
I felt a little thrill
Yes,
when you caught my eye
Baby, my heart stood still
Baby, baby, oh
And once again I seem
To feel that old yearnin'
And I knew
the spark of love
Was still burnin'
Yes, there'll be
no new romance for me
It's foolish to start
For that old feelin', babe
Is still in my heart
Baby, it's still
in my heart
Baila conmigo
Baila al son
de mis cimbales
Baila al son de la conga
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