The Alarmist (1998) Movie Script
Pay attention now, Thomas.
I want you to watch
and see how it's done.
- You ready?
- Yes, sir.
Sally, send in Miss Brown.
Yes, Mr. Grigoris.
- Mr. Grigoris?
- Please, Heinrich.
- Your secretary--
- Come in.
Can I get you a coffee
or perhaps a soda?
- Don't bother.
- No bother at all.
- I'm not thirsty.
- Of course. Mineral water?
Miss Brown, will you say hello
to Tommy Hudler, my trainee?
- Tommy, say hello to Miss Brown.
- Hello, Miss Brown.
Could he sit?
Do you mind?
- Thank you.
- Not at all.
Sally, hold all my calls.
Did I say something to amuse?
No, it's just
that my name is Sally too.
Really? Well--
May I call you Sally?
The thing is, you want
to live your life without all this...
terror.
It doesn't seem like
so precious much to ask for.
But that's exactly what it is:
precious life!
I'm sure your husband
would agree with me.
- If he were here today.
- I'm so sorry.
No, he's not dead.
He's just not here today.
- He's sick.
- I hope it's not serious.
I'm afraid it is.
I'm so sorry.
Yes?
The A.R.S.S. Nine--
a deluxe, armed-response, fully
self-actuating home security system..
I'm afraid that one's
beyond my means. The other one.
The S.S. Nine?
Yeah, also a good choice.
No armed response, but if you decide
later you want the upgrade...
it's an easy thing.
I'm still concerned
about the cost.
Of course you are. That's why
we offer the 48-month payment plan...
practically interest free.
We do want you
to have the system.
How much interest?
Four point two five.
- Three five.
- I can't do three five. I can do four.
For you,
I couId do three five.
- Okay.
- Done!
Sign here.
And basically,
that's all she wrote.
- You are wonderful.
- I know.
Thank you for participating in this
demonstration for young Thomas.
My pleasure.
Heinrich's blue ribbon, Tommy,
a master.
- Yeah, he's smooth.
- Like silk.
- I'll make calls, finish up some stuff.
- Thank you.
She is really good.
That woman is the heartbeat
of this operation.
So, what do you think?
I think I have a Iot to learn, sir.
You don't have to sell fear.
It sells itself.
Now the chances of you
or a member of your family...
being the victim
of a vioIent crime...
are better than one in four.
- One in four?
- Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Like that lady that got cut into little
pieces and mailed all over the pIace.
I read about that.
You know, it's one thing
if someone just breaks in...
and merely vandalizes or robs.
But it's another if you
or a member of your family...
are put into danger.
I'm sure your husband
would agree with me.
- He's dead.
- I hope it's not serious.
- I'm so very sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
You seem nervous.
Did you know that 60 percent
of all rapes...
are committed by burglars?
I have to admit
I feel terribly vulnerable here.
Sometimes-- It's silly.
Sometimes I feel
like I'm being watched.
- Like the night has eyes.
- Really?
Do you have any reason
to beIieve that--
It's just fear.
Groundless fear.
I understand...
and I'm happy to say you could protect
yourseIf with one of these systems.
The S.S. Nine
or the Deluxe A.R.S.S. Nine.
24 hours a day,
365 days a year.
They're the cutting edge
in home security.
Perhaps I should consider it.
- Hi, Mom.
- Howard.
This is Mr.--
Hudler.
You can call me Tom.
Hi, Tom.
Hi, Howard.
Do they call you Howie?
How about How?
It's like an lndian saying hi.
Yeah.
So, I'll be in my room
until dinner.
- He's gigantic.
- I know.
You seem so young
to have such a large son.
Thank you.
So, what do you think?
About what?
Oh, that.
To be honest,
I am concerned about the cost.
Of course you are.
That's why we're offering you
a 48-month payment plan...
virtually interest free.
Because we want you
to have this system.
We do.
- You're a nice man.
- Thank you.
I think I'll get
the less expensive one.
Great.
Then she just grabbed it
out of my hand and signed it.
- Just like that?
- Just Iike that.
Do you believe this fucker?
Do you fucking believe this fucker?
All right already.
Tommy, first fucking day,
makes a sale on his first call.
Amazing.
Pass the fucking eggplant.
Tommy, tell me what happened?
Really nothing.
She was gonna buy it
before I even got to the door.
- He's modest too. You see that, Sally?
- Very becoming.
- Tell me about the house.
- What?
I'm asking you your impression
of the Lady's house.
It was a nice house.
- There were definite nice things.
- Things worth protecting.
Definitely. There were paintings
all over the place.
- And she painted them.
- An artiste.
- Is this a good-looking woman?
- Yes.
You could definitely say that.
- Where's the husband?
- Gone. He passed on.
There's definitely money
coming in from somewhere--
some sort of inheritance,
some life insurance on the husband...
something keeping her
off the street.
Maybe.
Then I noticed these photographs.
They're of this absoluteIy gorgeous
young woman. Very arty.
And they're by that
famous photographer.
You know the one.
Made a big stink
up in Washington.
- Oh, Jesus. The dead one?
- What's his name?
- Mapplecock.
- Yeah.
I'm looking at these photos...
and I realize that they're her.
They're her when she was younger,
when she was pregnant.
Get out.
So then, I'm looking at them,
I'm looking at her.
And she looks at me
and she just smiles.
Okeydoke.
Thanks again.
So this is your security code.
Just come with me.
I'll explain it.
Now you press the security code
in here.
When this little doohickey
starts flashing, right now...
you're in activated mode.
Now, if you want to leave,
you have to exit the front door...
and lock it within 90 seconds.
Then if you want
to deactivate it...
you just press in the code again,
and off.
Seems easy enough.
It is. It's very easy.
Just make sure
to explain the code to--
Howard.
He's at basketball practice.
- He won't be back for hours.
- Really.
You porking this broad?
Yeah, I got it.
It's red. It's hot.
You have to check it out.
Hello,
I'm with Grigoris Security.
I am sorry I'm late.
May I come in?
Of course.
No need to apologize.
- Come in.
- Thank you.
I am so very sorry.
- This is a beautiful house.
- Thank you.
Hello, I'm Thomas Hudler...
from Grigoris Home Security
Systems.
Nice to meet you.
May I be seated?
Would you like some coffee?
I wouldn't say no.
Lovely woman.
I'm sorry
if I've kept you waiting.
- This was her idea.
- Pardon me?
The whole thing was her idea.
What you're selling,
we don't need it.
I told her,
but she doesn't believe it.
Perhaps.
But if I might just--
All right.
Here we go.
- Thank you.
- Would you like some cream?
I told her to call you
and tell you not to come.
Just let the young man speak,
Henry.
As long as he's here, just--
Fine!
- Go ahead.
- Thank you.
Do you know that there is a burglary
in this country...
every ten seconds?
It's a frightening statistic.
Now, we've found
that most people have...
at one time or another, investigated
a home security alarm system.
- Not me.
- Of course not.
- But--
- Listen, I'm not worried. You know why?
- Why?
- Because I know what's going on.
I know. Don't think I don't,
because I do.
You wait a second.
- Is he coming back?
- Yes, he'll be back.
I think so.
That's a very nice tie.
Where did you get it?
Oh, my.
- Ow.
- Look at this.
It's a semiautomatic.
I converted it myself to a full
automatic. I bought this kit.
Shoots 90 percent faster
at the same ammo dollars.
Kit cost me 139 bucks.
I bought it in Florida.
We went to the Epcot Center.
Have you been there?
You should go.
I'll certainly try.
Look at this.
I got a .357.
Now, it has a more potent cartridge
than a nine millimeter--
a lot more stress
on the recoil--
but what the fuck, right?
Anybody tries
to break in here, blam!
I'll blow his fucking face off.
Recognize it?
That's an AK-47.
That's the kind that guy mowed down
those kids on a school yard with.
That's good.
I got grenades too.
Those seemed a bit excessive.
Here's a real honey.
It's a .454 revolver...
designed as the ultimate
big game handgun.
It's got a iron sight
for distance...
but up close--
Oh, my.
You scared?
Yes, very much so.
That's a heaIthy response.
Anybody tries anything here...
it'll be his last thing.
I don't need one of your systems.
I got my own system.
You stock up.
Fucking subhumanoids--
They take everything.
You think you know
what's going on.
You don't know shit!
This is reality!
This is the fucking answer!
So you just move on!
No sale here, Mr. Security.
Today, the most
unbelievable old guy...
- this crazed potential client--
- Yeah?
I'm in his house
and he gets out--
I swear to God--
an arsenal.
I know the type.
But you can use that.
Fear of the armed populace,
et cetera.
Yeah.
You definitely have a knack.
You know that?
- I guess.
- No, I'm telling you.
I have not seen a raw talent like yours
since-- I don't know when.
- Thank you.
- Don't mention it.
Cheers.
- Do you know what grows a business?
- What?
I don't know.
Look, I got this guy.
He's a director.
He's very talented.
He's putting together
a commercial for me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We're looking for an on-air--
What do you call it?
- Spokesman.
- Yeah.
And guess who it's gonna be?
- I don't know. Who?
- You.
- Me?
- Yep.
You want me to be on TV?
Yes, I do.
Come on.
You're a natural.
You have that all-American thing, man.
Trust me.
You're a fresh face.
I've never been very good
with school plays or anything.
You'll be a star in your own time
like that "Where's the beef?" cunt.
It'll be fun.
- Impress the hell out of the broads.
- You think?
Please.
I was a snowflake once.
I can beIieve that.
- Do you do it all in one day?
- We can do this in one day.
- You do different angles?
- You can do camera angles.
- You can do coverage--
- What do you mean, coverage?
This is Shelly, the director.
Shelly, this is Tommy.
Nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.
I'm Iooking forward to this.
- Thank you.
- You'll have a good time today.
Look, he's a little nervous.
How cute!
I love this guy.
What a face.
- He's the best.
- It's the face.
Can I have the makeup lady
over here, please?
- What's the matter?
- I don't know if I can do this.
- What do you mean? Why?
- I feel sick.
No, you're just nervous.
It's nerves.
- Have some water. What?
- Excuse me.
I want you to go
with this nice lady.
She'll take good care of you.
We'll see you in a few minutes.
Be kind to her.
- Can I talk to you?
- Yeah, sure. What's up?
I could have brought
a real actor, but no.
- You insisted we use this guy.
- Yeah.
- You promised me he's a natural.
- He is.
He is not inspiring great confidence.
- In fact, he looks like shit!
- Come on.
I could have got you Erik Estrada
for a very reasonable price.
Shelly, look,
if I get Erik Estrada...
I'm just going
for the Spanish contingent.
I'm just saying
Tommy is more universal.
That's why. You gotta trust me on this.
The kid's gonna be great.
Okay, fine.
Shelly is a cat.
Shelly always lands
on his feet.
- Let me get this spot off your nose.
- Vinnie.
- Yeah.
- Can we shoot this sometime today?
Okay, everybody,
quiet on the set!
Roll sound.
- Here we go.
- Speed.
Take six. Mark.
Okay, baby, make this one count.
And action.
Our phone representatives
are standing by, so don't delay.
Call today.
1-800-555-0119.
That's 1-800-555-0119.
And just say no to crime.
And cut.
He's good.
What did I tell you?
Vinnie, I think we got it.
Okay, everybody, that's lunch.
One half hour.
You cocksucker!
In here.
- How'd it go?
- It went pretty good.
I screwed up a few times,
but I think I did rather well.
I knew you would.
I'm so proud of you.
My big star of the small screen.
- Can I do that for you?
- No, I got it. Bulb.
Thanks.
- Did you miss me?
- Yeah. What are you doing?
What are you doing here?
I was just gonna grab a snack.
I guess that's what
you're doing too.
I'll be in my room.
- Maybe I should have a word with him.
- Yeah.
Come in.
How's it going?
Fine.
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
No, man, don't worry about it.
It's cool.
No, I--
You know I love your mother.
And when you love a woman...
you want to express it
in a beautifuI, nonverbal way.
Uh-huh.
- Do you have a girlfriend?
- Yeah, I guess.
Yeah, it was Lisa Brody,
who is so fine...
but I just couldn't make push come
to shove, if you know what I mean.
So now I'm with her older sister,
ApriI.
Are you two physically active?
Yeah.
It was a struggle too.
'Cause at first, it was like
hours and hours of humping.
But she kept saying, "No, no."
So, finally, I got my hand
down there on her frog.
But her pants were buttoned,
and I was begging her...
"April, please, my hand is losing
circuIation. I'm losing feeling!
I'll get gangrene
if you don't loosen these things!"
She was pretty hot,
so she let me undo her pants...
but she says,
"No funny business."
Pretty soon, we both
got our pants off, totally.
I try to stick it in, and I say,
"I won't go in all the way.
I just want
to rub it against you."
I notice that she's getting
pretty worked up...
so then I say, "I'm just
putting in the head, you know...
just a weensy bit."
She says, "Okay, just the head,
but not all the way.
I'm a virgin. I don't want
to get pregnant. It'll hurt."
But once the head goes in, the rest
just sort of slides in on its own.
Pretty soon
we're doing actual screwing.
Her teeth are clamped together,
and she's making this hissing noise...
like a leaky tire.
And she starts gasping,
"Don't come inside me."
I'm just planning to stay until the
last possible second and then pull out.
But the last possible second
comes and goes...
and I don't.
How'd it go?
Fine.
Really?
Yeah.
Do you like the desert?
I love it. Why?
I was thinking about--
I don't know--
Maybe we could go away sometime,
just the two of us.
Maybe try having sex
without Howard.
How would that be?
That would be good.
Great.
You know, on the way,
my parents live in Barstow.
I want you to meet them.
We'll have dinner.
I don't think
that's a very good idea.
I mean, what we have is fun...
but it's really not
the kind of relationship...
where you need
to meet the family.
Do you know what I mean?
No, I don't.
I want you to meet them.
I want them to meet you.
They should meet the woman I love.
No, I don't want to.
It would make me so uncomfortable.
Come on.
It would make me feel so happy.
I know, but--
Listen.
It'll be fine.
You'll love each other. Trust me.
I started this business
from nothing...
giving people what they need:
security.
Do you know what time
I leave my house every morning?
5:30 a.m.
Each day, every day.
I buy two papers and read them front
to back before anybody eIse shows up.
Do you know why?
Because I like to stay current
with all of the evil twists...
on man's inhumanity to man.
Know what I mean?
I started with shit.
When you start with shit...
you don't walk into a bank with nothing
but your poor tired dick in your hand...
and expect to walk out of there
with a fat stack of notes.
Are you with me?
- No collateral.
- Right. Exactly. So?
I owe.
And if poor little Heinrich
doesn't pay--
I might get better,
but I'd never get well.
All right.
Shaved, pungent, undulating.
Undulating.
Howling!
Yummy, yummy, beaver.
- You lose.
- Why?
'Cause you forgot "shaved."
- Did not.
- Did too.
You fucking distracted me.
Tough cookies.
Come here.
You're a good kid.
I mean it.
Yeah, I know.
You're a good man.
Some people think I'm an asshole.
Do you think I'm an asshole?
- Gale does.
- No, she doesn't.
- Believe me, she thinks I'm a lowlife.
- She's never even met you.
Look. Listen.
I know her type.
She sits on her artistic can all day,
passing judgment on the working man.
She's got a part-time job.
She works at the art gallery.
Yeah? Gee, that sounds tough.
Look. I mean, I sweat blood.
If that makes me a bad person,
then fine. So be it!
Nobody said
you were a bad person.
No, I keep moving forward.
If I stop for one moment,
I sink out of sight like a stone.
The waters close over my head
without a fucking ripple.
You know what makes
a good salesman?
The will to get the job done.
Whatever it takes.
You have that.
Come here.
I want to show you something.
I put a system in this house
a couple of months ago. Follow me.
Yeah?
- What are we doing here?
- Shh!
Run !
What did you do that for?
Relax. It's just business.
Business?
How do you figure?
It's not funny.
Take me home.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- Good night.
- Screw you.
You don't want
to kiss me good night?
Go home.
I don 't mind telling you
we were really scared.
- Wow.
- Yeah. The system worked perfectly.
Could you do me a favor?
Could you hoId on for one second?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Tommy, could you come in here,
please?
Pick up line two.
There's something I want you to hear.
Sorry about that.
Go ahead. You were saying?
The guy splintered my back door.
You ought to see it. It's kindling.
Oh, my God.
Did you get a look at the perp?
No, when the alarm rang,
the guy took off.
I bet he did.
I hope nobody was hurt.
- No, thank God. Everybody was fine.
- Good.
Scared, but fine.
- Did this gentleman nab anything?
- No way.
I'm like a hero in my own house.
Now all the neighbors want a system.
I'm telling you,
I ought to get a commission.
- Anyway, thanks very much.
- No, thank you.
I'm sending somebody up there right away
to check things out.
- Great. Good.
- Free of charge. No problem.
Live safe. Bye.
So, break-ins increase sales.
No, not break-ins,
incidents.
Now, hypothetically...
one could, if one knew
the wiring schematics, break in...
take apart the system...
help oneself
to one or two goodies...
if one so desired.
You'd do what you're trying to convince
these people they can prevent...
when you sell them the product
in the first place.
There would be a pleasing symmetry
to it, hypothetically.
Listen, you can do what you want,
but leave me out of it. Understand?
Okay, Tommy.
It's entirely up to you.
I thought we were
supposed to be the good guys.
We are the good guys.
Come on.
Sometimes people need a push
in the right direction.
Right?
I'm just doing this
to ease your way...
because I think
you're a good guy.
I think you're a good guy too.
Thank you. I am.
I am a good guy,
and so are you.
We're a couple of good guys.
We are.
- I just don't want--
- What?
Get out of here, okay?
Go make sales.
Prosper.
I'm sure I need not say I'd prefer you
not mention this to your lady friend...
or anybody else,
for that matter.
Heinrich told me you boys had a chat,
so you know the score.
Listen, it's a mark of how much
the man trusts and likes you...
that he let you know
what's what.
You do what you think is right,
but, for everybody's sake...
try to understand
what Heinrich does...
he does for all of us
so that we can live and get by.
The main thing is,
no one gets hurt. Okay?
- You with me?
- Yeah, but--
We are all just hanging on
by the skin of our teeth here.
You do realize
that statistically...
all crime is down,
across the boards...
for the third year in a row?
Yeah, that's good.
Isn't it?
What's the matter?
You haven't said a word all night.
It's Heinrich.
He's into some weird shit.
What kind of weird shit?
You know what?
Why don't we drop it?
You can tell me.
I just think we should
forget about it.
I don't like that guy.
Why,
because of what I just said?
I've never liked him.
That is very strange.
He was just telling me
how he thought you didn't like him...
and here you are
not liking him.
He said he thought
I didn't like him?
Yeah.
He's never even met me.
Now I really don't like him.
He's a good man.
He's had a hard life.
You should leave that place.
You're better than that.
There he is.
Get in here.
There's something I want you to see.
Everybody, make way for Tommy,
the media sensation.
Move over there.
Come on in. Come here.
- Make way. Sit down.
- Hi. How are you?
Should we turn the lights out?
All right, everybody ready?
Here we go.
Do I just push--
Don't let this happen to you.
Thank you, Detective.
At Grigoris Security Systems,
we take your safety seriously...
with an alarm system
for every need and budget.
Our phone representatives
are standing by, so don't delay.
Call today.
1-800-555-0119.
That's 1-800-555-0119.
And just say no to crime.
- Brilliant!
- Serviceable, I suppose.
What are you talking about?
It's perfect!
- It's gonna play every night this week.
- What time?
Late, in the cheap seats.
That's where we'll find our market.
All those insomnia wackos.
You were terrific.
That was great.
- I mean it.
- Thank you.
Work like that deserves
to be celebrated.
I'm gonna take you to dinner
this weekend.
How about Saturday,
Friday, Sunday?
We'll go.
We'll have laughs.
That sounds great, but actually
I'm going away with Gale this weekend.
- Yeah, she's--
- Yeah, I know.
She's the one you put the alarm in,
the one we gave you shit about.
I didn't realize you guys
had gotten serious.
- Yeah.
- And you're going away for the weekend?
- Yeah.
- Great. I'll catch you another time.
Definitely.
Come on, Gale!
Let's get going!
- All set.
- Great.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Howard.
This is Suzy...
and this is my girlfriend April,
who I told you about.
- Ask him.
- I'm not gonna ask him. You ask him.
You come with.
Howard says that you're the guy
in that commercial.
- Yeah.
- Really?
That is so rad.
We love that commercial.
"Don't let this happen to you."
We're gonna go upstairs
for a while.
Bye.
- We'll be back on Sunday.
- Okay. Bye.
Youth.
- Where are we going?
- It's a surprise. Just wait.
Wow.
It's beautiful here.
Yeah. My brothers and I used
to come here a lot when we were kids.
It's an old rock quarry.
It's hundreds of feet deep.
- That's scary.
- You bet.
Can you see that?
That's our boat.
My brothers still come down here
from time to time.
The Norman Rockwell childhood
of Thomas Hudler.
Someone once threw perch
and blue gill in here.
You can still catch them too.
But you can't eat them.
They've got lumps.
It's very quiet and secIuded.
- Here we are.
- I don't feel good about this.
It will be fine. We'll just have dinner
and be on our way. I promise.
I know.
You look so wonderful.
You told them, right?
About the age thing?
- I told you I did.
- You're sure?
Nobody cares.
It's really not an issue.
- Dad.
- Tom-Tom!
And you must be Gale.
Hi.
Beth?
- You didn't tell them.
- Didn't tell them what?
Mom!
Mom, this is Gale.
- Hi.
- It's nice to meet you
Let's not just stand out here.
Come on in the house.
- How could you do this to me?
- What?
Gale, this is my brother, Andrew,
and that's Doris.
That's my other brother, Skippy,
and Bambi.
- This is Gale.
- Hi.
Hello.
You are pretty.
- Shut up.
- Man!
- How about a little drink?
- Sure.
Then when he grew up, he got so big
they had to wear his hand-me-downs.
When Howard was a little boy,
I'd put him to bed...
and his little hand would immediately
dive under his little pajama bottoms.
Then he'd fall asleep just holding
himself with the most angelic smile.
I knew then that would be the most
security he'd ever feel in life:
what he got by squeezing
his own little dork.
These beets are fabulous.
- How old is Howard?
- About Tommy's age.
- He's not my age at all.
- But he is bigger than you.
Howard's a big boy,
just like his father.
- How about another drop in my glass?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Howard's father?
- He was just like the rest of them.
Not Tommy, though.
- Tommy's wonderful.
- Tommy's a good boy.
Yes, a good boy.
A good boy is what he is.
- You must be proud.
- We are.
Yeah, you're a really good boy.
Howard's father
is a perfect example.
He swept me right off my feet.
He was really wicked,
and I loved it.
I remember one night, we were
at dinner at his parents' house.
We'd just announced our engagement,
and they were overjoyed.
They were talking on and on
about the wedding and--
Howard's father--
He wasn't Howard's father yet...
but his name was also Howard--
He was sitting across from me,
just listening and making chitchat.
Suddenly, there was this small animal
burrowing right into my crotch.
I looked down,
and he's got his sandal off.
He's got his bare foot
pressing right into me.
He's just against me, leaning
and kneading and kneading.
- It was--
- That sounds very romantic.
It was.
Then I got athlete's foot
on my vagina.
I should have taken that
as an omen.
I'll go check on the guys.
It's stifling.
What do you have to do
to get some air in here?
- Hot flashes.
- She's kidding.
Why do you think they call it menopause?
Why don't they just call it menostop?
It's not like it starts up again.
Okay, no more jokes.
Let's go.
It's time to go.
- Baby, we're not going anywhere.
- Nonsense.
- I'm an excellent drunk driver.
- He is.
Forget it.
I'm sure Mom and Dad can fix us
a place to sleep right here.
Sure. Right, Mother?
Wait.
It's in here.
I know.
I love you so much.
Hi, Mom.
I thought you were spending
the weekend with Barry.
I was, but then Barry started
acting like a jerk, so I came home.
Why isn't the alarm on?
Sorry, Mom.
What's on?
Some Fred MacMurray thing.
What are you doing here?
Things didn't go so good.
What happened?
Tommy started acting
like a jerk too?
We both did.
Don't worry, Mom.
It'll be all right.
You'll see.
What is it, Mom?
Hello.
You have no messages.
- Hi, this is Gale and--
- Howard.
Leave a message at the beep.
Gale, it's me.
It's Tommy.
Are you there?
Someone is here to see you,
from the poIice.
- Who?
- I don't know.
- They're here to talk to me?
- Yeah. Listen.
Just stay calm.
It's probably nothing.
- Just don't say too much.
- I didn't do anything.
- You wanted to speak with me?
- Are you Thomas Hudler?
- Yes, sir.
- I'm Detective Gary Flinkman, L.A.P.D.
You're a close acquaintance
of Gale Ancona?
I guess you could say that.
I'd like you to come down
and take a ride with me.
Let's just do it quickly.
Believe me, it'll be better.
It's not her.
There was a break-in.
The guy seems to have panicked.
This is what we know,
and I'm sorry.
- You're gonna find this guy, right?
- Right.
O Lord, let us know our end,
the number of our days...
O Lord, let us know our end,
the number of our days...
that we may know
how fleeting is life.
But you are the same.
You have no end.
I want you to know how deeply saddened
and troubled I am by this--
- This horrible thing.
- Yeah.
- Sally and I both feel--
- You should take some time off.
Take this. Consider it paid time off.
Do whatever you have to do.
- Anything.
- Go someplace, do something.
I don't care. Then come back
to work when you're ready.
- Because you're really distraught.
- Understandably.
Just try to put this behind you.
- We're here for you.
- I love you.
- Yeah.
- I mean that we both love you.
- You know that.
- Oh, yeah. Okay. All right.
I loved you so much.
I know you did.
- I can't believe it ended that way.
- Don't worry about that now.
Listen to me.
You know who did this.
- I don't.
- Yes, you do. You know.
Do me a favor.
Get the bastard.
Come in.
The return of the prodigal son.
Come here!
- I didn't expect you back so soon.
- Here I am.
- I'm glad to see you.
- I'm glad to be back.
- Are you?
- I am.
Good.
- You know, I was worried.
- Why is that?
I had the most ridiculous thought.
- What's that?
- You'll laugh.
No, I won't. I promise.
I thought--
It's really too absurd.
I thought that in some way...
you might have held me responsible
for what happened.
Why would I do that?
I don't know.
Just because
of the other thing and--
Just because.
- That's absurd.
- That's what I thought, right?
I thought it was too absurd.
Come here!
- You're ready to go back to work?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
Good. 'Cause idleness is no good.
It'll fuck with your mind.
- Yeah, I know.
- Good. Get the hell out of here, kid.
- Have a good night.
- Good night.
- See you tomorrow.
- Hold the elevator.
- Good night.
- See you there.
Yes, I understand.
I hope you have a great time.
Think about what I've told you,
and we'll pick up when you get back.
All right.
Have a safe trip.
No, thank you. Bye.
- Damn.
- Who was that?
That's the old lady on Irving.
I told you about her.
I've been trying to sell her a system
for weeks. She just won't bite.
She lives in this big house
right on the edge of Hancock Park.
It's crammed full of antiques,
jewelry, valuables.
Now she went
to visit her sister...
and she won't be back
until the day after tomorrow.
- I was that close to a sale.
- Don't worry about it.
You'll close the deal
when she gets back.
Hopefully.
- You ready for that drink?
- Sure.
Just give me a second.
I'll wash up.
- Who is it?
- Fielding?
- Yeah?
- This is your neighbor.
- Who?
- Who is it?
I saw some asshole
lurking around the back.
Better take a look.
Who the hell is this?
- Don't go down there, Henry.
- Let go of me.
- Don't be a fool.
- Woman! You want him to hear us?
Judgment day.
Shit!
Damn it!
It's a beautiful day today, Susan.
Too bad you're at the desk.
Morning.
Sally, have you
seen Heinrich today?
- It's not like Old Heinny to be late.
- I wouldn't call him Old Heinny.
These donuts are special.
Do you mind?
Jesus, what happened to you?
I was mugged.
Can I see you in my office, please?
Shut the door.
That was a pretty crappy thing to do.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
I'm getting the distinct impression...
that you think I'm responsible
for your friend's death.
- Aren't you?
- Are you accusing me?
Because if you are,
just say so, don't ask.
Don't try to get me killed
and then ask if I'm responsible.
I saw you last night.
I know it was you.
Last night?
Yeah, I admit that.
- You do?
- Sure. You know that I did it.
I know that you know it.
Why would I deny it?
I broke into the old geezer's house
to steal...
because I am a piece of shit.
But that in no way proves I broke into
fuckin' what's-her-name's house!
Her name is Gale,
and she's fucking dead.
You're responsible.
In this country, first of all...
we have something called
presumption of innocence.
- You're a bastard.
- Right.
You have no remorse.
Remorse? No.
You know why?
Because I did not do the horrible
thing that you think I did.
I didn't.
Even assuming that I'm a thief,
which I am...
why would I break into the house
of your girlfriend, for God's sake?
Do you think that I care
so little for your happiness...
that I would do such a thing?
I don't know
what people like you care about.
Fine.
You got a beef with me?
Go to the cops, just like
every other normal human being.
Take your chance with them.
But I cannot be party
to your hotdog schemes.
I need to ask you one thing.
Are you still working here or--
What?
Then please get out.
Get the fuck out.
I loved you.
Don't forget that.
April, what are you doing here?
I'm sorry, Mr. Hudler.
Please don't be mad.
Why would I be mad?
I haven't had a single
night's sleep since Howard--
I know.
Why don't you come inside?
I know who killed
Howard and Gale.
Miss?
Don't I know you?
- Give me that.
- Don't!
Don't move.
We need to talk.
Talk about what?
Look, I thought
we put that issue to rest.
Give me that fuckin' thing
before somebody gets hurt.
Halt or I'll shoot.
Are you fucking crazy?
Ow. Fuck.
You fucking bitch!
Wait!
Get in!
- What are you doing?
- I'm going with.
- No, you're not.
- Yes. I'm the accomplice.
No, I'll call you
when the thing's done.
Bye.
Look, please, whatever
you're doing, it's wrong.
It's very wrong.
Just let me go. Please?
Tommy, don't!
Look, it's kidnapping!
Bad!
Wait! No!
What are we doing here?
- I just want to know the truth.
- The truth about what?
The truth is that I can't help you
because I didn't hurt your girlfriend.
Why don't you just confess,
knowing it will make you feel better?
I can't confess
because I didn't do anything!
I didn't kill her!
I didn't, goddamn it!
Yeah, I know you did.
Believe me, I know.
How do you know?
There's a lot of sick
fuckin' wackos out there!
Haven't you learned anything
by being with us?
I know because Gale told me.
Did she tell you
before or after she was dead?
What do you think?
She couldn't have told me
before she was dead...
because you hadn't killed her yet.
God, this is not
going very well at all.
- I'm very angry.
- I know.
I loved her,
and you took her away.
I didn't.
Look, if I confess,
do you promise not to shoot me?
- Are you confessing?
- No, I'm not.
I'm just saying,
if I confess...
will you take me to the police
and let justice have its day?
No deal.
Fine.
Then just fuckin' shoot me!
Go ahead! I killed the old broad
and her fuckin' son, okay?
I killed them both, all right?
Does that make you feel good?
Is that better? Go ahead!
Don't.
What are you doing?
Please don't kill me.
I'm having a little trouble
pulling the trigger.
Of course you are.
Because you're not a killer.
You're a nice boy
who's very upset.
Look, if you shoot me,
the cops will find out.
And if they do, they'll put you away
until you're very fucking old.
Don't talk.
Don't, Tommy.
Oh, God.
It's the phone.
You gonna get it?
Excuse me.
Hello.
Yes, this is Thomas Hudler.
Yes.
Thank you very much.
No, I'm not currently represented.
Yes, I'm very interested,
but, the thing is...
this is sort of a bad time.
Could I talk to you tomorrow?
That would be great.
Thank you!
All right. Bye.
- You won't believe who that was.
- Who?
An agent
from the William Morris Agency.
He saw my commercial.
He wants to represent me.
- William Morris?
- Yeah.
-Yeah, that's a good outfit.
-He wants to send me out on commercials.
Not just local stuff.
National spots.
That's fabulous.
He said commercials
are just the beginning.
The pilot season's coming up.
Could you imagine me on a sitcom?
Or maybe one of those hour-long
hospital shows?
Yeah, I could see you in one of those.
You'd be great.
I think you'd be fabulous.
I told you, right?
You're gonna be a star.
What did I tell you? You do one
commercial, and there you go!
Forget about it.
Things are looking up, right?
Come on.
What do you--
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
Fuck.
Tommy, look, just do me a favor.
Call the police to see if they've had
any breakthroughs before you do this.
Why?
- They would have called me.
- Not necessarily.
Yes, they would have.
PIease, just do me this favor.
You owe me that! Just make the call!
I owe you.
Detective Flinkman, please.
Sure, I'll hold.
Hello, Detective Flinkman.
Yes, this is Thomas Hudler.
With the Gale
and Howard Ancona thing.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
I see. Yeah.
It seems they caught the guy
that killed Gale and Howard...
three days ago.
It was some totally random thing.
He saw her at a gas station
in the desert, followed her home.
He made a full confession.
He had details that weren't
made available to the public.
He also had some of Gale's belongings
in his van.
I guess I--
I owe you a little apology.
God, Tommy, please save it.
Just untie me, okay?
I really, really want to go home.
You know...
you really scared the shit
out of me back there.
I'm sorry.
I really feel bad about that.
I really do.
Look, Gale's death
was so senseless.
I can see how you would have
become confused...
what with my bad behavior
and all.
I think I should try...
to be not so much
of a shit hole from now on.
You know?
That's really good.
Are you gonna pursue
this whole acting thing or--
I don't know.
I might.
If you do, you should
cover yourself just in case...
things don't pan out right away.
You come back to work for me,
on a freelance basis.
You work only for commission.
We're a good team. I just--
- It would be great.
- You think so?
Put all this behind us and all.
You know--
That a boy!
- You know what? I'm starving.
- Me too.
There's got to be a place
to eat around here.
The guy who killed Gale--
Did they say who he was?
Just some guy.
Yeah, that's what they said.
Wow.
I want you to watch
and see how it's done.
- You ready?
- Yes, sir.
Sally, send in Miss Brown.
Yes, Mr. Grigoris.
- Mr. Grigoris?
- Please, Heinrich.
- Your secretary--
- Come in.
Can I get you a coffee
or perhaps a soda?
- Don't bother.
- No bother at all.
- I'm not thirsty.
- Of course. Mineral water?
Miss Brown, will you say hello
to Tommy Hudler, my trainee?
- Tommy, say hello to Miss Brown.
- Hello, Miss Brown.
Could he sit?
Do you mind?
- Thank you.
- Not at all.
Sally, hold all my calls.
Did I say something to amuse?
No, it's just
that my name is Sally too.
Really? Well--
May I call you Sally?
The thing is, you want
to live your life without all this...
terror.
It doesn't seem like
so precious much to ask for.
But that's exactly what it is:
precious life!
I'm sure your husband
would agree with me.
- If he were here today.
- I'm so sorry.
No, he's not dead.
He's just not here today.
- He's sick.
- I hope it's not serious.
I'm afraid it is.
I'm so sorry.
Yes?
The A.R.S.S. Nine--
a deluxe, armed-response, fully
self-actuating home security system..
I'm afraid that one's
beyond my means. The other one.
The S.S. Nine?
Yeah, also a good choice.
No armed response, but if you decide
later you want the upgrade...
it's an easy thing.
I'm still concerned
about the cost.
Of course you are. That's why
we offer the 48-month payment plan...
practically interest free.
We do want you
to have the system.
How much interest?
Four point two five.
- Three five.
- I can't do three five. I can do four.
For you,
I couId do three five.
- Okay.
- Done!
Sign here.
And basically,
that's all she wrote.
- You are wonderful.
- I know.
Thank you for participating in this
demonstration for young Thomas.
My pleasure.
Heinrich's blue ribbon, Tommy,
a master.
- Yeah, he's smooth.
- Like silk.
- I'll make calls, finish up some stuff.
- Thank you.
She is really good.
That woman is the heartbeat
of this operation.
So, what do you think?
I think I have a Iot to learn, sir.
You don't have to sell fear.
It sells itself.
Now the chances of you
or a member of your family...
being the victim
of a vioIent crime...
are better than one in four.
- One in four?
- Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Like that lady that got cut into little
pieces and mailed all over the pIace.
I read about that.
You know, it's one thing
if someone just breaks in...
and merely vandalizes or robs.
But it's another if you
or a member of your family...
are put into danger.
I'm sure your husband
would agree with me.
- He's dead.
- I hope it's not serious.
- I'm so very sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
You seem nervous.
Did you know that 60 percent
of all rapes...
are committed by burglars?
I have to admit
I feel terribly vulnerable here.
Sometimes-- It's silly.
Sometimes I feel
like I'm being watched.
- Like the night has eyes.
- Really?
Do you have any reason
to beIieve that--
It's just fear.
Groundless fear.
I understand...
and I'm happy to say you could protect
yourseIf with one of these systems.
The S.S. Nine
or the Deluxe A.R.S.S. Nine.
24 hours a day,
365 days a year.
They're the cutting edge
in home security.
Perhaps I should consider it.
- Hi, Mom.
- Howard.
This is Mr.--
Hudler.
You can call me Tom.
Hi, Tom.
Hi, Howard.
Do they call you Howie?
How about How?
It's like an lndian saying hi.
Yeah.
So, I'll be in my room
until dinner.
- He's gigantic.
- I know.
You seem so young
to have such a large son.
Thank you.
So, what do you think?
About what?
Oh, that.
To be honest,
I am concerned about the cost.
Of course you are.
That's why we're offering you
a 48-month payment plan...
virtually interest free.
Because we want you
to have this system.
We do.
- You're a nice man.
- Thank you.
I think I'll get
the less expensive one.
Great.
Then she just grabbed it
out of my hand and signed it.
- Just like that?
- Just Iike that.
Do you believe this fucker?
Do you fucking believe this fucker?
All right already.
Tommy, first fucking day,
makes a sale on his first call.
Amazing.
Pass the fucking eggplant.
Tommy, tell me what happened?
Really nothing.
She was gonna buy it
before I even got to the door.
- He's modest too. You see that, Sally?
- Very becoming.
- Tell me about the house.
- What?
I'm asking you your impression
of the Lady's house.
It was a nice house.
- There were definite nice things.
- Things worth protecting.
Definitely. There were paintings
all over the place.
- And she painted them.
- An artiste.
- Is this a good-looking woman?
- Yes.
You could definitely say that.
- Where's the husband?
- Gone. He passed on.
There's definitely money
coming in from somewhere--
some sort of inheritance,
some life insurance on the husband...
something keeping her
off the street.
Maybe.
Then I noticed these photographs.
They're of this absoluteIy gorgeous
young woman. Very arty.
And they're by that
famous photographer.
You know the one.
Made a big stink
up in Washington.
- Oh, Jesus. The dead one?
- What's his name?
- Mapplecock.
- Yeah.
I'm looking at these photos...
and I realize that they're her.
They're her when she was younger,
when she was pregnant.
Get out.
So then, I'm looking at them,
I'm looking at her.
And she looks at me
and she just smiles.
Okeydoke.
Thanks again.
So this is your security code.
Just come with me.
I'll explain it.
Now you press the security code
in here.
When this little doohickey
starts flashing, right now...
you're in activated mode.
Now, if you want to leave,
you have to exit the front door...
and lock it within 90 seconds.
Then if you want
to deactivate it...
you just press in the code again,
and off.
Seems easy enough.
It is. It's very easy.
Just make sure
to explain the code to--
Howard.
He's at basketball practice.
- He won't be back for hours.
- Really.
You porking this broad?
Yeah, I got it.
It's red. It's hot.
You have to check it out.
Hello,
I'm with Grigoris Security.
I am sorry I'm late.
May I come in?
Of course.
No need to apologize.
- Come in.
- Thank you.
I am so very sorry.
- This is a beautiful house.
- Thank you.
Hello, I'm Thomas Hudler...
from Grigoris Home Security
Systems.
Nice to meet you.
May I be seated?
Would you like some coffee?
I wouldn't say no.
Lovely woman.
I'm sorry
if I've kept you waiting.
- This was her idea.
- Pardon me?
The whole thing was her idea.
What you're selling,
we don't need it.
I told her,
but she doesn't believe it.
Perhaps.
But if I might just--
All right.
Here we go.
- Thank you.
- Would you like some cream?
I told her to call you
and tell you not to come.
Just let the young man speak,
Henry.
As long as he's here, just--
Fine!
- Go ahead.
- Thank you.
Do you know that there is a burglary
in this country...
every ten seconds?
It's a frightening statistic.
Now, we've found
that most people have...
at one time or another, investigated
a home security alarm system.
- Not me.
- Of course not.
- But--
- Listen, I'm not worried. You know why?
- Why?
- Because I know what's going on.
I know. Don't think I don't,
because I do.
You wait a second.
- Is he coming back?
- Yes, he'll be back.
I think so.
That's a very nice tie.
Where did you get it?
Oh, my.
- Ow.
- Look at this.
It's a semiautomatic.
I converted it myself to a full
automatic. I bought this kit.
Shoots 90 percent faster
at the same ammo dollars.
Kit cost me 139 bucks.
I bought it in Florida.
We went to the Epcot Center.
Have you been there?
You should go.
I'll certainly try.
Look at this.
I got a .357.
Now, it has a more potent cartridge
than a nine millimeter--
a lot more stress
on the recoil--
but what the fuck, right?
Anybody tries
to break in here, blam!
I'll blow his fucking face off.
Recognize it?
That's an AK-47.
That's the kind that guy mowed down
those kids on a school yard with.
That's good.
I got grenades too.
Those seemed a bit excessive.
Here's a real honey.
It's a .454 revolver...
designed as the ultimate
big game handgun.
It's got a iron sight
for distance...
but up close--
Oh, my.
You scared?
Yes, very much so.
That's a heaIthy response.
Anybody tries anything here...
it'll be his last thing.
I don't need one of your systems.
I got my own system.
You stock up.
Fucking subhumanoids--
They take everything.
You think you know
what's going on.
You don't know shit!
This is reality!
This is the fucking answer!
So you just move on!
No sale here, Mr. Security.
Today, the most
unbelievable old guy...
- this crazed potential client--
- Yeah?
I'm in his house
and he gets out--
I swear to God--
an arsenal.
I know the type.
But you can use that.
Fear of the armed populace,
et cetera.
Yeah.
You definitely have a knack.
You know that?
- I guess.
- No, I'm telling you.
I have not seen a raw talent like yours
since-- I don't know when.
- Thank you.
- Don't mention it.
Cheers.
- Do you know what grows a business?
- What?
I don't know.
Look, I got this guy.
He's a director.
He's very talented.
He's putting together
a commercial for me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We're looking for an on-air--
What do you call it?
- Spokesman.
- Yeah.
And guess who it's gonna be?
- I don't know. Who?
- You.
- Me?
- Yep.
You want me to be on TV?
Yes, I do.
Come on.
You're a natural.
You have that all-American thing, man.
Trust me.
You're a fresh face.
I've never been very good
with school plays or anything.
You'll be a star in your own time
like that "Where's the beef?" cunt.
It'll be fun.
- Impress the hell out of the broads.
- You think?
Please.
I was a snowflake once.
I can beIieve that.
- Do you do it all in one day?
- We can do this in one day.
- You do different angles?
- You can do camera angles.
- You can do coverage--
- What do you mean, coverage?
This is Shelly, the director.
Shelly, this is Tommy.
Nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.
I'm Iooking forward to this.
- Thank you.
- You'll have a good time today.
Look, he's a little nervous.
How cute!
I love this guy.
What a face.
- He's the best.
- It's the face.
Can I have the makeup lady
over here, please?
- What's the matter?
- I don't know if I can do this.
- What do you mean? Why?
- I feel sick.
No, you're just nervous.
It's nerves.
- Have some water. What?
- Excuse me.
I want you to go
with this nice lady.
She'll take good care of you.
We'll see you in a few minutes.
Be kind to her.
- Can I talk to you?
- Yeah, sure. What's up?
I could have brought
a real actor, but no.
- You insisted we use this guy.
- Yeah.
- You promised me he's a natural.
- He is.
He is not inspiring great confidence.
- In fact, he looks like shit!
- Come on.
I could have got you Erik Estrada
for a very reasonable price.
Shelly, look,
if I get Erik Estrada...
I'm just going
for the Spanish contingent.
I'm just saying
Tommy is more universal.
That's why. You gotta trust me on this.
The kid's gonna be great.
Okay, fine.
Shelly is a cat.
Shelly always lands
on his feet.
- Let me get this spot off your nose.
- Vinnie.
- Yeah.
- Can we shoot this sometime today?
Okay, everybody,
quiet on the set!
Roll sound.
- Here we go.
- Speed.
Take six. Mark.
Okay, baby, make this one count.
And action.
Our phone representatives
are standing by, so don't delay.
Call today.
1-800-555-0119.
That's 1-800-555-0119.
And just say no to crime.
And cut.
He's good.
What did I tell you?
Vinnie, I think we got it.
Okay, everybody, that's lunch.
One half hour.
You cocksucker!
In here.
- How'd it go?
- It went pretty good.
I screwed up a few times,
but I think I did rather well.
I knew you would.
I'm so proud of you.
My big star of the small screen.
- Can I do that for you?
- No, I got it. Bulb.
Thanks.
- Did you miss me?
- Yeah. What are you doing?
What are you doing here?
I was just gonna grab a snack.
I guess that's what
you're doing too.
I'll be in my room.
- Maybe I should have a word with him.
- Yeah.
Come in.
How's it going?
Fine.
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
No, man, don't worry about it.
It's cool.
No, I--
You know I love your mother.
And when you love a woman...
you want to express it
in a beautifuI, nonverbal way.
Uh-huh.
- Do you have a girlfriend?
- Yeah, I guess.
Yeah, it was Lisa Brody,
who is so fine...
but I just couldn't make push come
to shove, if you know what I mean.
So now I'm with her older sister,
ApriI.
Are you two physically active?
Yeah.
It was a struggle too.
'Cause at first, it was like
hours and hours of humping.
But she kept saying, "No, no."
So, finally, I got my hand
down there on her frog.
But her pants were buttoned,
and I was begging her...
"April, please, my hand is losing
circuIation. I'm losing feeling!
I'll get gangrene
if you don't loosen these things!"
She was pretty hot,
so she let me undo her pants...
but she says,
"No funny business."
Pretty soon, we both
got our pants off, totally.
I try to stick it in, and I say,
"I won't go in all the way.
I just want
to rub it against you."
I notice that she's getting
pretty worked up...
so then I say, "I'm just
putting in the head, you know...
just a weensy bit."
She says, "Okay, just the head,
but not all the way.
I'm a virgin. I don't want
to get pregnant. It'll hurt."
But once the head goes in, the rest
just sort of slides in on its own.
Pretty soon
we're doing actual screwing.
Her teeth are clamped together,
and she's making this hissing noise...
like a leaky tire.
And she starts gasping,
"Don't come inside me."
I'm just planning to stay until the
last possible second and then pull out.
But the last possible second
comes and goes...
and I don't.
How'd it go?
Fine.
Really?
Yeah.
Do you like the desert?
I love it. Why?
I was thinking about--
I don't know--
Maybe we could go away sometime,
just the two of us.
Maybe try having sex
without Howard.
How would that be?
That would be good.
Great.
You know, on the way,
my parents live in Barstow.
I want you to meet them.
We'll have dinner.
I don't think
that's a very good idea.
I mean, what we have is fun...
but it's really not
the kind of relationship...
where you need
to meet the family.
Do you know what I mean?
No, I don't.
I want you to meet them.
I want them to meet you.
They should meet the woman I love.
No, I don't want to.
It would make me so uncomfortable.
Come on.
It would make me feel so happy.
I know, but--
Listen.
It'll be fine.
You'll love each other. Trust me.
I started this business
from nothing...
giving people what they need:
security.
Do you know what time
I leave my house every morning?
5:30 a.m.
Each day, every day.
I buy two papers and read them front
to back before anybody eIse shows up.
Do you know why?
Because I like to stay current
with all of the evil twists...
on man's inhumanity to man.
Know what I mean?
I started with shit.
When you start with shit...
you don't walk into a bank with nothing
but your poor tired dick in your hand...
and expect to walk out of there
with a fat stack of notes.
Are you with me?
- No collateral.
- Right. Exactly. So?
I owe.
And if poor little Heinrich
doesn't pay--
I might get better,
but I'd never get well.
All right.
Shaved, pungent, undulating.
Undulating.
Howling!
Yummy, yummy, beaver.
- You lose.
- Why?
'Cause you forgot "shaved."
- Did not.
- Did too.
You fucking distracted me.
Tough cookies.
Come here.
You're a good kid.
I mean it.
Yeah, I know.
You're a good man.
Some people think I'm an asshole.
Do you think I'm an asshole?
- Gale does.
- No, she doesn't.
- Believe me, she thinks I'm a lowlife.
- She's never even met you.
Look. Listen.
I know her type.
She sits on her artistic can all day,
passing judgment on the working man.
She's got a part-time job.
She works at the art gallery.
Yeah? Gee, that sounds tough.
Look. I mean, I sweat blood.
If that makes me a bad person,
then fine. So be it!
Nobody said
you were a bad person.
No, I keep moving forward.
If I stop for one moment,
I sink out of sight like a stone.
The waters close over my head
without a fucking ripple.
You know what makes
a good salesman?
The will to get the job done.
Whatever it takes.
You have that.
Come here.
I want to show you something.
I put a system in this house
a couple of months ago. Follow me.
Yeah?
- What are we doing here?
- Shh!
Run !
What did you do that for?
Relax. It's just business.
Business?
How do you figure?
It's not funny.
Take me home.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- Good night.
- Screw you.
You don't want
to kiss me good night?
Go home.
I don 't mind telling you
we were really scared.
- Wow.
- Yeah. The system worked perfectly.
Could you do me a favor?
Could you hoId on for one second?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Tommy, could you come in here,
please?
Pick up line two.
There's something I want you to hear.
Sorry about that.
Go ahead. You were saying?
The guy splintered my back door.
You ought to see it. It's kindling.
Oh, my God.
Did you get a look at the perp?
No, when the alarm rang,
the guy took off.
I bet he did.
I hope nobody was hurt.
- No, thank God. Everybody was fine.
- Good.
Scared, but fine.
- Did this gentleman nab anything?
- No way.
I'm like a hero in my own house.
Now all the neighbors want a system.
I'm telling you,
I ought to get a commission.
- Anyway, thanks very much.
- No, thank you.
I'm sending somebody up there right away
to check things out.
- Great. Good.
- Free of charge. No problem.
Live safe. Bye.
So, break-ins increase sales.
No, not break-ins,
incidents.
Now, hypothetically...
one could, if one knew
the wiring schematics, break in...
take apart the system...
help oneself
to one or two goodies...
if one so desired.
You'd do what you're trying to convince
these people they can prevent...
when you sell them the product
in the first place.
There would be a pleasing symmetry
to it, hypothetically.
Listen, you can do what you want,
but leave me out of it. Understand?
Okay, Tommy.
It's entirely up to you.
I thought we were
supposed to be the good guys.
We are the good guys.
Come on.
Sometimes people need a push
in the right direction.
Right?
I'm just doing this
to ease your way...
because I think
you're a good guy.
I think you're a good guy too.
Thank you. I am.
I am a good guy,
and so are you.
We're a couple of good guys.
We are.
- I just don't want--
- What?
Get out of here, okay?
Go make sales.
Prosper.
I'm sure I need not say I'd prefer you
not mention this to your lady friend...
or anybody else,
for that matter.
Heinrich told me you boys had a chat,
so you know the score.
Listen, it's a mark of how much
the man trusts and likes you...
that he let you know
what's what.
You do what you think is right,
but, for everybody's sake...
try to understand
what Heinrich does...
he does for all of us
so that we can live and get by.
The main thing is,
no one gets hurt. Okay?
- You with me?
- Yeah, but--
We are all just hanging on
by the skin of our teeth here.
You do realize
that statistically...
all crime is down,
across the boards...
for the third year in a row?
Yeah, that's good.
Isn't it?
What's the matter?
You haven't said a word all night.
It's Heinrich.
He's into some weird shit.
What kind of weird shit?
You know what?
Why don't we drop it?
You can tell me.
I just think we should
forget about it.
I don't like that guy.
Why,
because of what I just said?
I've never liked him.
That is very strange.
He was just telling me
how he thought you didn't like him...
and here you are
not liking him.
He said he thought
I didn't like him?
Yeah.
He's never even met me.
Now I really don't like him.
He's a good man.
He's had a hard life.
You should leave that place.
You're better than that.
There he is.
Get in here.
There's something I want you to see.
Everybody, make way for Tommy,
the media sensation.
Move over there.
Come on in. Come here.
- Make way. Sit down.
- Hi. How are you?
Should we turn the lights out?
All right, everybody ready?
Here we go.
Do I just push--
Don't let this happen to you.
Thank you, Detective.
At Grigoris Security Systems,
we take your safety seriously...
with an alarm system
for every need and budget.
Our phone representatives
are standing by, so don't delay.
Call today.
1-800-555-0119.
That's 1-800-555-0119.
And just say no to crime.
- Brilliant!
- Serviceable, I suppose.
What are you talking about?
It's perfect!
- It's gonna play every night this week.
- What time?
Late, in the cheap seats.
That's where we'll find our market.
All those insomnia wackos.
You were terrific.
That was great.
- I mean it.
- Thank you.
Work like that deserves
to be celebrated.
I'm gonna take you to dinner
this weekend.
How about Saturday,
Friday, Sunday?
We'll go.
We'll have laughs.
That sounds great, but actually
I'm going away with Gale this weekend.
- Yeah, she's--
- Yeah, I know.
She's the one you put the alarm in,
the one we gave you shit about.
I didn't realize you guys
had gotten serious.
- Yeah.
- And you're going away for the weekend?
- Yeah.
- Great. I'll catch you another time.
Definitely.
Come on, Gale!
Let's get going!
- All set.
- Great.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Howard.
This is Suzy...
and this is my girlfriend April,
who I told you about.
- Ask him.
- I'm not gonna ask him. You ask him.
You come with.
Howard says that you're the guy
in that commercial.
- Yeah.
- Really?
That is so rad.
We love that commercial.
"Don't let this happen to you."
We're gonna go upstairs
for a while.
Bye.
- We'll be back on Sunday.
- Okay. Bye.
Youth.
- Where are we going?
- It's a surprise. Just wait.
Wow.
It's beautiful here.
Yeah. My brothers and I used
to come here a lot when we were kids.
It's an old rock quarry.
It's hundreds of feet deep.
- That's scary.
- You bet.
Can you see that?
That's our boat.
My brothers still come down here
from time to time.
The Norman Rockwell childhood
of Thomas Hudler.
Someone once threw perch
and blue gill in here.
You can still catch them too.
But you can't eat them.
They've got lumps.
It's very quiet and secIuded.
- Here we are.
- I don't feel good about this.
It will be fine. We'll just have dinner
and be on our way. I promise.
I know.
You look so wonderful.
You told them, right?
About the age thing?
- I told you I did.
- You're sure?
Nobody cares.
It's really not an issue.
- Dad.
- Tom-Tom!
And you must be Gale.
Hi.
Beth?
- You didn't tell them.
- Didn't tell them what?
Mom!
Mom, this is Gale.
- Hi.
- It's nice to meet you
Let's not just stand out here.
Come on in the house.
- How could you do this to me?
- What?
Gale, this is my brother, Andrew,
and that's Doris.
That's my other brother, Skippy,
and Bambi.
- This is Gale.
- Hi.
Hello.
You are pretty.
- Shut up.
- Man!
- How about a little drink?
- Sure.
Then when he grew up, he got so big
they had to wear his hand-me-downs.
When Howard was a little boy,
I'd put him to bed...
and his little hand would immediately
dive under his little pajama bottoms.
Then he'd fall asleep just holding
himself with the most angelic smile.
I knew then that would be the most
security he'd ever feel in life:
what he got by squeezing
his own little dork.
These beets are fabulous.
- How old is Howard?
- About Tommy's age.
- He's not my age at all.
- But he is bigger than you.
Howard's a big boy,
just like his father.
- How about another drop in my glass?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Howard's father?
- He was just like the rest of them.
Not Tommy, though.
- Tommy's wonderful.
- Tommy's a good boy.
Yes, a good boy.
A good boy is what he is.
- You must be proud.
- We are.
Yeah, you're a really good boy.
Howard's father
is a perfect example.
He swept me right off my feet.
He was really wicked,
and I loved it.
I remember one night, we were
at dinner at his parents' house.
We'd just announced our engagement,
and they were overjoyed.
They were talking on and on
about the wedding and--
Howard's father--
He wasn't Howard's father yet...
but his name was also Howard--
He was sitting across from me,
just listening and making chitchat.
Suddenly, there was this small animal
burrowing right into my crotch.
I looked down,
and he's got his sandal off.
He's got his bare foot
pressing right into me.
He's just against me, leaning
and kneading and kneading.
- It was--
- That sounds very romantic.
It was.
Then I got athlete's foot
on my vagina.
I should have taken that
as an omen.
I'll go check on the guys.
It's stifling.
What do you have to do
to get some air in here?
- Hot flashes.
- She's kidding.
Why do you think they call it menopause?
Why don't they just call it menostop?
It's not like it starts up again.
Okay, no more jokes.
Let's go.
It's time to go.
- Baby, we're not going anywhere.
- Nonsense.
- I'm an excellent drunk driver.
- He is.
Forget it.
I'm sure Mom and Dad can fix us
a place to sleep right here.
Sure. Right, Mother?
Wait.
It's in here.
I know.
I love you so much.
Hi, Mom.
I thought you were spending
the weekend with Barry.
I was, but then Barry started
acting like a jerk, so I came home.
Why isn't the alarm on?
Sorry, Mom.
What's on?
Some Fred MacMurray thing.
What are you doing here?
Things didn't go so good.
What happened?
Tommy started acting
like a jerk too?
We both did.
Don't worry, Mom.
It'll be all right.
You'll see.
What is it, Mom?
Hello.
You have no messages.
- Hi, this is Gale and--
- Howard.
Leave a message at the beep.
Gale, it's me.
It's Tommy.
Are you there?
Someone is here to see you,
from the poIice.
- Who?
- I don't know.
- They're here to talk to me?
- Yeah. Listen.
Just stay calm.
It's probably nothing.
- Just don't say too much.
- I didn't do anything.
- You wanted to speak with me?
- Are you Thomas Hudler?
- Yes, sir.
- I'm Detective Gary Flinkman, L.A.P.D.
You're a close acquaintance
of Gale Ancona?
I guess you could say that.
I'd like you to come down
and take a ride with me.
Let's just do it quickly.
Believe me, it'll be better.
It's not her.
There was a break-in.
The guy seems to have panicked.
This is what we know,
and I'm sorry.
- You're gonna find this guy, right?
- Right.
O Lord, let us know our end,
the number of our days...
O Lord, let us know our end,
the number of our days...
that we may know
how fleeting is life.
But you are the same.
You have no end.
I want you to know how deeply saddened
and troubled I am by this--
- This horrible thing.
- Yeah.
- Sally and I both feel--
- You should take some time off.
Take this. Consider it paid time off.
Do whatever you have to do.
- Anything.
- Go someplace, do something.
I don't care. Then come back
to work when you're ready.
- Because you're really distraught.
- Understandably.
Just try to put this behind you.
- We're here for you.
- I love you.
- Yeah.
- I mean that we both love you.
- You know that.
- Oh, yeah. Okay. All right.
I loved you so much.
I know you did.
- I can't believe it ended that way.
- Don't worry about that now.
Listen to me.
You know who did this.
- I don't.
- Yes, you do. You know.
Do me a favor.
Get the bastard.
Come in.
The return of the prodigal son.
Come here!
- I didn't expect you back so soon.
- Here I am.
- I'm glad to see you.
- I'm glad to be back.
- Are you?
- I am.
Good.
- You know, I was worried.
- Why is that?
I had the most ridiculous thought.
- What's that?
- You'll laugh.
No, I won't. I promise.
I thought--
It's really too absurd.
I thought that in some way...
you might have held me responsible
for what happened.
Why would I do that?
I don't know.
Just because
of the other thing and--
Just because.
- That's absurd.
- That's what I thought, right?
I thought it was too absurd.
Come here!
- You're ready to go back to work?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
Good. 'Cause idleness is no good.
It'll fuck with your mind.
- Yeah, I know.
- Good. Get the hell out of here, kid.
- Have a good night.
- Good night.
- See you tomorrow.
- Hold the elevator.
- Good night.
- See you there.
Yes, I understand.
I hope you have a great time.
Think about what I've told you,
and we'll pick up when you get back.
All right.
Have a safe trip.
No, thank you. Bye.
- Damn.
- Who was that?
That's the old lady on Irving.
I told you about her.
I've been trying to sell her a system
for weeks. She just won't bite.
She lives in this big house
right on the edge of Hancock Park.
It's crammed full of antiques,
jewelry, valuables.
Now she went
to visit her sister...
and she won't be back
until the day after tomorrow.
- I was that close to a sale.
- Don't worry about it.
You'll close the deal
when she gets back.
Hopefully.
- You ready for that drink?
- Sure.
Just give me a second.
I'll wash up.
- Who is it?
- Fielding?
- Yeah?
- This is your neighbor.
- Who?
- Who is it?
I saw some asshole
lurking around the back.
Better take a look.
Who the hell is this?
- Don't go down there, Henry.
- Let go of me.
- Don't be a fool.
- Woman! You want him to hear us?
Judgment day.
Shit!
Damn it!
It's a beautiful day today, Susan.
Too bad you're at the desk.
Morning.
Sally, have you
seen Heinrich today?
- It's not like Old Heinny to be late.
- I wouldn't call him Old Heinny.
These donuts are special.
Do you mind?
Jesus, what happened to you?
I was mugged.
Can I see you in my office, please?
Shut the door.
That was a pretty crappy thing to do.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
I'm getting the distinct impression...
that you think I'm responsible
for your friend's death.
- Aren't you?
- Are you accusing me?
Because if you are,
just say so, don't ask.
Don't try to get me killed
and then ask if I'm responsible.
I saw you last night.
I know it was you.
Last night?
Yeah, I admit that.
- You do?
- Sure. You know that I did it.
I know that you know it.
Why would I deny it?
I broke into the old geezer's house
to steal...
because I am a piece of shit.
But that in no way proves I broke into
fuckin' what's-her-name's house!
Her name is Gale,
and she's fucking dead.
You're responsible.
In this country, first of all...
we have something called
presumption of innocence.
- You're a bastard.
- Right.
You have no remorse.
Remorse? No.
You know why?
Because I did not do the horrible
thing that you think I did.
I didn't.
Even assuming that I'm a thief,
which I am...
why would I break into the house
of your girlfriend, for God's sake?
Do you think that I care
so little for your happiness...
that I would do such a thing?
I don't know
what people like you care about.
Fine.
You got a beef with me?
Go to the cops, just like
every other normal human being.
Take your chance with them.
But I cannot be party
to your hotdog schemes.
I need to ask you one thing.
Are you still working here or--
What?
Then please get out.
Get the fuck out.
I loved you.
Don't forget that.
April, what are you doing here?
I'm sorry, Mr. Hudler.
Please don't be mad.
Why would I be mad?
I haven't had a single
night's sleep since Howard--
I know.
Why don't you come inside?
I know who killed
Howard and Gale.
Miss?
Don't I know you?
- Give me that.
- Don't!
Don't move.
We need to talk.
Talk about what?
Look, I thought
we put that issue to rest.
Give me that fuckin' thing
before somebody gets hurt.
Halt or I'll shoot.
Are you fucking crazy?
Ow. Fuck.
You fucking bitch!
Wait!
Get in!
- What are you doing?
- I'm going with.
- No, you're not.
- Yes. I'm the accomplice.
No, I'll call you
when the thing's done.
Bye.
Look, please, whatever
you're doing, it's wrong.
It's very wrong.
Just let me go. Please?
Tommy, don't!
Look, it's kidnapping!
Bad!
Wait! No!
What are we doing here?
- I just want to know the truth.
- The truth about what?
The truth is that I can't help you
because I didn't hurt your girlfriend.
Why don't you just confess,
knowing it will make you feel better?
I can't confess
because I didn't do anything!
I didn't kill her!
I didn't, goddamn it!
Yeah, I know you did.
Believe me, I know.
How do you know?
There's a lot of sick
fuckin' wackos out there!
Haven't you learned anything
by being with us?
I know because Gale told me.
Did she tell you
before or after she was dead?
What do you think?
She couldn't have told me
before she was dead...
because you hadn't killed her yet.
God, this is not
going very well at all.
- I'm very angry.
- I know.
I loved her,
and you took her away.
I didn't.
Look, if I confess,
do you promise not to shoot me?
- Are you confessing?
- No, I'm not.
I'm just saying,
if I confess...
will you take me to the police
and let justice have its day?
No deal.
Fine.
Then just fuckin' shoot me!
Go ahead! I killed the old broad
and her fuckin' son, okay?
I killed them both, all right?
Does that make you feel good?
Is that better? Go ahead!
Don't.
What are you doing?
Please don't kill me.
I'm having a little trouble
pulling the trigger.
Of course you are.
Because you're not a killer.
You're a nice boy
who's very upset.
Look, if you shoot me,
the cops will find out.
And if they do, they'll put you away
until you're very fucking old.
Don't talk.
Don't, Tommy.
Oh, God.
It's the phone.
You gonna get it?
Excuse me.
Hello.
Yes, this is Thomas Hudler.
Yes.
Thank you very much.
No, I'm not currently represented.
Yes, I'm very interested,
but, the thing is...
this is sort of a bad time.
Could I talk to you tomorrow?
That would be great.
Thank you!
All right. Bye.
- You won't believe who that was.
- Who?
An agent
from the William Morris Agency.
He saw my commercial.
He wants to represent me.
- William Morris?
- Yeah.
-Yeah, that's a good outfit.
-He wants to send me out on commercials.
Not just local stuff.
National spots.
That's fabulous.
He said commercials
are just the beginning.
The pilot season's coming up.
Could you imagine me on a sitcom?
Or maybe one of those hour-long
hospital shows?
Yeah, I could see you in one of those.
You'd be great.
I think you'd be fabulous.
I told you, right?
You're gonna be a star.
What did I tell you? You do one
commercial, and there you go!
Forget about it.
Things are looking up, right?
Come on.
What do you--
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
Fuck.
Tommy, look, just do me a favor.
Call the police to see if they've had
any breakthroughs before you do this.
Why?
- They would have called me.
- Not necessarily.
Yes, they would have.
PIease, just do me this favor.
You owe me that! Just make the call!
I owe you.
Detective Flinkman, please.
Sure, I'll hold.
Hello, Detective Flinkman.
Yes, this is Thomas Hudler.
With the Gale
and Howard Ancona thing.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
I see. Yeah.
It seems they caught the guy
that killed Gale and Howard...
three days ago.
It was some totally random thing.
He saw her at a gas station
in the desert, followed her home.
He made a full confession.
He had details that weren't
made available to the public.
He also had some of Gale's belongings
in his van.
I guess I--
I owe you a little apology.
God, Tommy, please save it.
Just untie me, okay?
I really, really want to go home.
You know...
you really scared the shit
out of me back there.
I'm sorry.
I really feel bad about that.
I really do.
Look, Gale's death
was so senseless.
I can see how you would have
become confused...
what with my bad behavior
and all.
I think I should try...
to be not so much
of a shit hole from now on.
You know?
That's really good.
Are you gonna pursue
this whole acting thing or--
I don't know.
I might.
If you do, you should
cover yourself just in case...
things don't pan out right away.
You come back to work for me,
on a freelance basis.
You work only for commission.
We're a good team. I just--
- It would be great.
- You think so?
Put all this behind us and all.
You know--
That a boy!
- You know what? I'm starving.
- Me too.
There's got to be a place
to eat around here.
The guy who killed Gale--
Did they say who he was?
Just some guy.
Yeah, that's what they said.
Wow.