The Aristocrats (2005) Movie Script

"The joke leads me down one path" | and then it switches the path on me suddenly,
and it hits me with a hammer.
It's just, "Here we go, "folks. "
You have outstretched yourself when you're | doing it right, on making it as horrific as you "can. "
- And bam! | - Fan them with as polite a title as you "can. "
- The "Aristocrats. " | - The "Aristocrats. "
- The "Aristocrats. " | - What?
I've heard the "joke. " | But I don't remember what was so "bad. "
I remember that I... fainted.
That joke's been "around. " | The Aristocrats is a "classic. "
They told it on the Nina or the Pinta or Santa | Maria when Columbus was crossing the "ocean. "
I think Lincoln told me, I'm not quite "sure. "
I was at the theatre at the time, I was an "usher. "
Of all the jokes to do a documentary about, | you chose this one?
"There was the Secret Society - | Chevy Chase, Michael O'Donoghue.
John Belushi and some others.
They had this coven of people | who would tell this joke over and over "again. "
Chevy Chase supposedly used to have "parties. " | And the criteria was,
you had the mom, the dad, the son, | the daughter, and a "dog. "
And you had to talk with some combination | of that without repeating "yourself. "
If you repeated yourself, you were "out. "
The idea was we gotta break a half an "hour. "
We gotta get - we gotta make this joke | last more than half an "hour. "
I don't know whether they ever "did. " | O'Donoghue came "close. "
But died in the "attempt. "
Not well known.
I heard Michael O'Donoghue did it | for 90 minutes "once. "
It's the only joke I know that people talk about.
I'm always shocked when people | don't know this "joke. " It's "pervasive. "
It's a burlesque kind of a "joke. "
It had been kicked around a "lot. "
I remember it - | the same you remember any "first. "
Like the first time | you hear a cut from a Lenny Bruce "album. "
Shocking! You'd never heard "that. "
I heard it from a gentleman | who ran Second City in "Chicago. "
...UCLA, working on the humour magazine, | the editor told me the "joke. "
- Bill Hicks - that's where I heard "it. " | - I first heard the Aristocrats while doing blow
in Catch A Rising Star with Richard "Belzer. "
This joke is a friend of every comedian | in the "world. "
I first went to the Improv nightclub | in New York in '73.
Did some stand-up comedy, | became the manager,
and got to meet | the best young comedians of that time.
Got a real education in the comedy world.
One of the things that was consistent | wherever you went was "the... "
Aristocrats "joke. "
I had heard about the Aristocrats "joke. "
We do comedy | and we work places that have comedy,
but we're also in the magic world, | so we're kind of observers of the comedy "world. "
There was always a secret handshake | "of... " of a whole culture thing,
that was, to me, | symbolised by the joke, the "Aristocrats. "
I don't think comics should be that proud, | quite frankly,
about repeating a joke | that's been going on since
Bud Friedman opened the first Improv | next to the "pyramids. "
You dig?
Comedians didn't tell this kind of joke on "stage. "
How many people tell jokes on stage?
People usually have routines | or they string together small "observations. "
You don't do joke-jokes on stage "ever. " | That's a kiss of "death. " You're viewed as a "hack. "
You know the way those urban legends go?
People always knew somebody | who saw this guy doing "it. "
But I never saw anyone performing "it. "
It's a kind of joke you love telling other "comics. "
We told them to each "other. " | Not to do with our "act. "
It was the kind of thing that you would share | with the "musicians. "
It just remained in the business, swirling "round. "
- Funnier stuff happened after the audience "left. " | - We're "different. " We're in "here. " There's no "rules. "
Headmaster's home, we had the | dormitory to "ourselves. " "Wait till you hear "this. "
I have a recollection of the joke being told | at about five o'clock in the morning
for a bunch of "comedians. "
You always saved it - like a "powerhouse. "
It was one of those toppers you could pull "out. "
There was almost like a chorus of the punch | "line. " "And what's it called?"
But the jokes that we loved telling, | and the jokes I always loved,
were jokes that have this body of performance | in the "middle. "
It's a show-offy, kind of an inside thing | for performing "comics. "
Garry Shandling told it to me as the way I told it, | word for word,
at the Emo, which is like playing | the telephone "game. "
There's the basic framework, but then every | comedian puts his own imprimatur on the "joke. "
And really makes it their "own. "
I don't know the standard telling of this joke | any more, it's "lost. "
Well, it's a vaudeville "agent. "
Jay Marshall is the definitive joke-teller on that,
even though he's not known as a comedian,
because he is from the variety "arts. "
Jay Marshall turns out to be the one who tells | the Aristocratsjoke for the Legman book.
It's the last story in the "book. "
He gets the whole thing across | in a few "sentences. "
A vaudeville agent is interviewing acts, | and an act comes "in. "
He says, "What do you do?"
"Well, my wife and I come out and take | our clothes off and we shit on the stage
and the kids come out and wallow in "it. "
He says, "What kind of an act do you call that?"
He says, "We call it the "Aristocrats. "
The joke "sucks. " You suck for having the idea | of putting this on a "documentary. "
I hate the "joke. "
A piece of shit stolen... pretend to be "humour. "
Although the premise is "funny. " | Let me "just... "
Let me backtrack just a "bit. "
Well, it's a perfectly crafted "joke. "
A two-word punch "line. "
And since the middle is open | you can do anything with "it. "
It's like a jazz "theme. " There's the basic melody | but anybody can improvise on "it. "
And I cannot remember for the life of me, | what the details of the act "were. "
I just knew as I was hearing it | you could do what you want with "it. "
As long as you got to the, | "What do you call the act?" "The "Aristocrats. "
You just wanna shock the people
so when you come back, the juxtaposition | of their name becomes the "laugh. "
It's filled with "vulgarity. "
Not kind of vulgar, "it's... " it's "revolting. "
It's disgusting, and then the punch "line. "
And then the punch line is sort of "uplifting. "
The more vulgar it is, | the more ironic becomes the punch "line. "
The more grotesqueries, the better of "it. "
That's the craft, | the art is how you make that "turn. "
That's the thing you can't "bottle. " | That's a performance "thing. "
Guy goes into the agent's office and he says,
"I've got an act for "you. " Wait till you hear "this. " | "Tell me a little about"it. "What's the act?"
He says, "My wife and I come out on "stage. "
I've taken a lot of medicine,
prior to the "appearance. "
And I've eaten a lot of cabbages and "things. "
She lies down on the stage,
I squat over her, I pull down my "pants. "
And I shit in her mouth, it's mostly "liquid. " | It's like a diarrhoeic "thing. "
I try to include corn and things that will not | break down in the digestive "system. "
Peanuts, of "course. "
I try to get a lot of solid objects | so that's there's a little action "too. "
It's not just a stream of brown "liquid. "
And it all goes "into... " | I can hit her mouth pretty "well. "
I do have one polyp - | I have a large, kind of a haemorrhoidal polyp
that sometimes throws my aim off | and I have "to... "
It's kind of like Kentucky windage, | but I usually get "it. "
I can hear whether it's hitting | the hollow area of her "throat. "
So I get as much as I can in there | and then she gargles with "it. "
You hear the "gargling. " She gargles and "gargles. "
And then she swallows "it. And... "
we're off- it's about five minutes "total. "
The guy says, "Oh. " What do you call the act?"
"The "Aristocrats. "
I was making that up - I guess you could "tell. "
The fun of it is where you improvise | on the grossness,
doing the John Coltrane version of "it. "
This joke was a joy for comics to tell mainly | because it was such a foul chunk of time
that you could just be describing | the most foul "things. "
There's nothing you could come up with | that would be "wrong. "
A blank slate, and you get to "play. "
You get to "play. "
How many new things could you think of | to make this group of people bizarre?
Whether it's a shuffleboard | up a nice animal's behind,
or whether people are swimming in "manure. "
A young girl comes on stage singing | Nearer My God To Thee
while juggling "torches. "
These are my two children - they pass gas to | the tune of What A Wonderful World, in "unison. "
One of the sons is playing a xylophone | with his "cock. "
A midget uncle with three dicks | coming out of his "head. "
I come out, dressed as Hitler, | in crotchless "panties. "
I am catching the ping pong balls | and I am catching them in my "ass. "
He comes on my wife's "tits. " We wait | till it hardens and I chip it off with a "chisel. "
- Six midgets come "out... " | - They have sex in a kiddie pool,
full of beef entrails and aborted "foetuses. "
Little midgets, they all start coming, one by "one. "
And shoot thousands of jism | into hundred-dollar "seats. "
You know how the fountains at the Bellagio | are coordinated?
That was what these guys pulled "off. "
My grandmother, on the stage, has an "abortion. "
Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland "pony. "
The kids are Siamese twins, | attached at the "ass. "
My grandfather is the "jockey. " | Comes in third and paid "280."
The Siamese twins give each other | reach-arounds and jerk each other "off. "
I don't know whether the object is to be | as offensive as possible
or whether use it judiciously in the right places | as a build-up to the punch "line. "
I like to explain how to tell the joke - | you already heard the "joke. "
So when you wanna tell the joke | you have to make sure it's really "filthy. "
Guy goes into a talent agent's and says, | "I've have the greatest "act. "
"What's the act?" That's all you gotta "memorise. "
You can ad-lib, right up to the punch "line. " | All you gotta do is remember one "word. "
I always make it up, every time I tell it, | something "different. "
They would be naked, | something to do with "peeing. "
We're high-flying trapeze performers, | we fly over the audience doing triple "gainers. "
We piss over the first three "rows. "
Include "faeces. "
Takes a crap on stage, jumps in the pile of "shit. "
They take a big group "shit. "
The women slide on their asses | all the way up through this "shit. "
We just roll around in the "shit. "
And they start skating in the "shit. " | You know, people skate in "shit. "
Dabbles in the "shit. " Do a little "dance. " | Dabbles in piss, do a little "dance. "
Waddling in the shit and piss | and they're wiping it in each other's "faces. "
- One of them takes a "shit. " | - And everybody slides through "it. "
They end up in the splits in the "shit. " | They go into the splits and have a big "finish. "
That's the finish? | I thought they peed on each "other. "
Include "vomit. "
Gets sick, "vomits. " Eats the "vomit. "
Everybody starts "puking. "
One of them vomited, | and it made everybody else "sick. "
"Wait. Wait. That" made everybody sick?
Hey, shit and pee? No "problem. " | You add vomit - forget "it. "
"Scatological... " it's edge humour, | pushing the edge of what you can "take. "
And once the edge is crossed, | you get "hysterical. "
Me and my wife come up on "stage. " | She takes a dump in this big metal "bucket. "
She's got a bucket of shit, | pours on it the guy's "head. "
My son, he's three years "old. "
This is the part that's "adorable. " | Takes a bucket of shit, throws it in her "face. "
She takes the bucket of puke, shit and piss,
puts it over her head and starts parading | on stage like a little midget "Nazi. "
Such disgusting references, one after "another. "
It kind of makes its own gravy, this "joke. "
It's a disgusting "joke. "
It's "shit. " But the only reason I could say that | is because I'm really kind of an "aristocrat. "
Do they actually eat shit at any point | during the act?
Shitting, and eating "it. "
She reaches into grandpa's diapers, | pulls out a bowl of shit and eats it like an "apple. "
I've heard bringing animals and bestiality into "it. "
I forgot the "dog. " There's a dog "too. "
And the dog! Uh-oh!
Then the dog fucks the "girl. "
That's called "bestiality. " It's in the "Bible. "
It's in my diary.
He says it's in his "diary. "
And I knew his "dog. "
I've heard "er... "
- Maybe we could do a "version. " | - All "right. "
Unbelievable - along with the dog, | the entire family is "involved. "
It's a family act which adds | such a fucked-up dimension to it, "anyway. "
Include children in the "act. "
Unspeakable acts that the children | are performing with and on each "other. "
People can get up on stage | if they wanna finger my niece,
or touch my nephew's "penis. "
There should be high-risk behaviour, | mixing of body fluids,
blood from every "hole. "
A lot of you are probably saying, | "Wait. " Backtrack a little "here. "
Where did the blood come from? | You didn't say anything about "blood. "
Well, if a guy is fist-fucking his daughter, | who's young and her asshole is pretty small,
and this is a grown man, with a big "hand. "
He could be, like, a "longshoreman. "
He could have arms like "Popeye. "
Where it's like, the arm is like that wide | and her asshole is that "small. "
Think about that for a "second. " I'll "wait. "
Well, naturally she's gonna be "bleeding. " | I'm just making a "point. "
The people are abusing each "other. " | There's "incest. "
And all the things that cross "lines. "
So you get to play with | people's little danger "zones. "
I fucked my wife, | I fucked my sister, my "son. "
Everybody's fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, "fuck. "
It's like a Tourette's syndrome "joke. "
I'm horrified and yet drawn to it, it's "like... "
a dog with three legs - | you don't wanna look but you "just... "
It's a perfect "joke. "
Just hearing out loud, | descriptions of "giddy shit-covered"incest"."
And other poems by Maya "Angelou. "
It is the one joke where you get to invent | every sick act you could imagine,
load it up into this joke and never actually | be accused of gilding the "lily. "
So the way I heard it was, | it was always a very sweet "beginning. "
That was what killed "me. " | The sweetness of the guy who walks in,
knocks on this very talented talent agency, | he says,
"We have an "act. " | Can I have a moment of your time?"
"You have one "minute. " Tell me about your "act. "
He says, "Well, it's a very different "act. " | It's a bit of a "novelty. "
Myself, my wife and "kids. " First I come "out. " | I'm in a tuxedo, my wife is in a "gown. "
The music starts, we do a "dance. "
My wife lifts her skirt, I start fucking "her. "
She's sucking "me. " | My son comes in, drops his "draws. "
Now he's fucking my "wife. " | I have a daughter, 15, she comes "in. "
My wife is going down on my son, | my son has his arm up my "daughter. "
It's a beautiful thing, music comes to a "finish. "
We're all fucking, and everybody is "just... "
My daughter is on her back, | she grabbing my son and myself in both "hands. "
My wife is "singing. "
And then we all drop our draws | and take a huge shit on the "stage. "
Guy says, "That's a hell of an "act. " | What do you call yourselves?"
He says, "The "Aristocrats. "
So there is the joke, that you get to actually say | somebody had their arm up their "daughter. "
Which you don't really hear "often. "
Some people, when they tell it, | really focus on the faecal "matter. "
Other people really focus on the "incest. "
And to me, in my own personal life, | those two are rarely, if ever, "separate. "
So shock is one only thing that "happens. "
It comes with "it. " | The other thing is the art of the "joke. "
You have to see pee first, instead of shit "first. "
Then you go to fuck, or then you go to fuck | and then pee and go to "shit. "
I prefer the pee "first. "
To me, you've gotta save the scatological | for the "end. "
If you put it in the middle, you have nothing | left to "close. " Fuck, fuck, "suck. "
And then on top of that, took a big "shit. "
You need that separation, I "feel. " | Otherwise, it's "chaos. "
I've got it as incest next to "shit-eating. "
- "Dog-fucking. " | - Dog-fucking. I'm all about dog-fucking.
Shit-eating, dog-fucking, "incestuous. "
Me and my wife go on "stage. " | We get undressed and I start nailing "her. "
As I'm fucking my wife | she takes a dump in this "bucket. "
My son comes out, | he pours kerosene in the bucket, lights it on "fire. "
Our trained dog Fifi comes out, jumps through | a ring of "fire. " My son fucks the "dog. "
My daughter comes out, the dog fucks "her. "
We all say, "Good night, you've been "great. " | Standing ovation every "time. "
It starts with a little "dick-sucking. "
The gals drop to their knees, | start sucking off the "boys. "
And let me tell you, | when my seven-year-old daughter
is giving a blow job to my eleven-year-old son, | it's "priceless. "
And then we move on to the "fucking. "
"But... we" move over "one. "
Now I'm fucking my daughter, | my son is fucking his grandmother
and my father is fucking my "wife. "
And then the denouement - the "butt-fucking. "
We move over one more "time. "
So I'm fucking my mother in the "ass. " | My son is fucking his mother in the "ass. "
My father is fucking his granddaughter | in the "ass. "
The men pull out, jerk off into a dish,
and the women slurp it "down. "
It's a real "crowd-pleaser. " Family "act. "
I go on stage, start to jerk off in a shot "glass. "
My wife comes out, takes a belt of my splooge, | takes off her skirt, shits in a "bucket. "
My son pulls the shit out of the bucket, | starts juggling it while he's pissing
into the mouth of his older sister, | who is being butt-fucked by the "dog. "
Grandpa drops his pants, | starts fucking the dog in the "ass. "
And the show ends with a big circle-jerk | around "Grandma. "
Here's the "kicker. " Grandma is "dead. "
I mean, it has be really filthy dirty - the "act. "
It should start off, | let's say it just starts off "titillating. "
And then it turns "pornographic. "
Then it starts to be the kind of thing | where if your daughter was involved
you'd have to go and help her, | you know, at any "cost. "
The police might not even step "in. "
And then the talent agent says, | "That's"awful. "What do you call the act?"
Like he wants to know, | like the name's the important "thing. "
I don't understand why he would say "that. " | It doesn't matter what it's "called. "
Because no-one is gonna book this "show. "
Where did these people find employment?
How did they develop this act?
What made them think this was entertaining?
I mean it's surprising they "haven't... " | that they're not all in "jail. "
I "mean... and waiting... "
waiting for the death "penalty. "
You can put people to death for what goes on | in the best versions of this "joke. "
Cos you're probably saying, | if you have any sense of human decency,
"Well, why didn't he stop them the minute | he saw the father unzipping his pants?"
And saying, "This is totally "wrong. " Call the "cops. " | Something horrible's "happening. "
This is a family | who are raping their own "children. "
And performing "bestiality. "
Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen?"
But that's a whole other "story. "
But, anyway, he says, "What is it called?" | Because in a joke that's what "happens. "
There's no legal system at all in play in a "joke. "
And then the guy goes, "The "Aristocrats. "
And I always throw in "that. "
That seems to make the whole "joke. " | "The "Aristocrats. "
- "The "Aristocrats. " | - Oh, "yeah. "
"The "Aristocrats. "
I think it's all in the "snap. "
Here's for "Drew. "
- How many people do that when they tell it? | - "One. "
- I'm the only one? | - "Yeah. "
Really? Oh, "man. " I always, "like... " | I always tell it like "that. "
Do they do that "or...?"
- "The "Aristocrats. " | - "The "Aristocrats. "
"The "Aristocrats. "
"The "Aristo... "
I never make it to the "end. " I "crumble. "
I say, "It's the loveliest "joke. "
Whoever told it to me, | they finish and are covered in sweat,
and they're covered in come, | and they're covered in "shit. And... "
"What do you call yourselves?" | "The "Aristocrats. "
Ah, it's so "great. "
I told you, I at least went like "this. "
"Aristocrats. "
Oh, no, I "like... "
That's really all there is to "it. " | You have to have blood, shit, piss,
and then erm... this!
So this "cocksucker... " What was it?
This cocksucker fucks his shit "everywhere. "
The cocksucker goes into a "fucking... "
and something "faecal... " Faecal or foetal?
And faecal "is... "
And the agent is fucking a dog, | the Pope in the "corner. "
The trouble is, I've never heard this "joke. "
The whole shit thing, I think it's "just... "
The punch line doesn't "work. " The guy says, | "I've got this act, a family "act. "
The guy says, "I've got shit "everywhere. " | I don't want a family "act. "
No doubt that could "work. " | He says, "What do you want?"
He goes, "Am I bothering you?"
You do it "good. " Have you done it? | Give it to "me. " I'll film you "now. "
It takes a lot more skill than it looks like | to tell it "well. "
All "right. " Here it "is. "
Three people walk into | a theatrical agent's "office. "
And they say, "We have an act to show you | and we're called the "Aristocrats. "
A guy goes into a talent agent's "office. " | People make it "elaborate. " Doesn't "matter. "
It's a steamy, little, horrible, horrible "office. "
There's barely "room... " It's so funny "whenever... "
Ever been to Joe Franklin's office?
I've been in this office since 2000 BC.
I was in a different office | until they condemned the "building. "
Frank Sinatra sat here, Bette Midler. | Billy Crystal, Michael Jackson.
Julia Roberts was my secretary.
Produced the world's longest-running | TV show here.
I'm Joe "Franklin. "
It's that "office. "
Man walks into an agent's office, and it's just | like a desk and a couple of chairs, a "telephone. "
Stop dancing around, motherfucker, | and tell the fucking "thing. "
Phone, you know, square room like a "box. "
All right, already!
You are fuckin' "horrible. " Tell the joke!
- Tell the thing! | - All "right. "
My wife comes out in a beautiful evening gown | and plays Tea For Two on a "xylophone... "
- With her cunt? | - No, no, "no. "
Then my grandparents come out | and they sing God Bless "America. "
- It's real "patriotic. " | - While fucking each other?
Yuck! Ever see an old woman's cunt? | It looks like Silly "Putty. "
So then "they... " You killed "me. " | You're killing me "here. "
You're a "loser. " You can't tell a fuckin' "joke. "
My son comes out, I shoot him in the head | and I fuck the bullet "hole. "
Then my daughter comes on "stage. " | She's a real sexy "nine-year-old. "
I hit her on the head with an axe handle,
burn her cunt with a curling iron
put a fish hook through my cock, | fuck her, kill her
and take a shit on her dead "body. "
That's the kind of delivery you "need. "
I actually stretched it out once | to two and a half "hours. "
But I blew the punch "line. "
I got all the way to the "end. " | It involved white slavery and a zeppelin "race. "
And then at the end, I go, "The "Aristocats. "
Crats! Argh!
It's the "Aristocrats," not to be confused | with the wonderful Disney film The "Aristocats. "
Often, I'd go, | "Be-pa-bada, he's sucking and "she's... "
"What do you call yourself?" | "The "Aristocats. " Oh, no - the "Aristocrats!"
So people would think that was part of the joke, | that the guy himself got the name wrong,
and people would be saying, | "Why did he say "cats" and then "crats?"
He "didn't. " I just had a "problem. " | Which was more "absurd. "
They go, "Your joke takes 11 minutes to tell, | and you don't understand the punch "line. "
So it was a bit of a dangerous joke for "me. "
But I tell it to you to help others,
so the kids who follow me | won't live the horror and the shame that I "did. "
I hate "jokes. " I can't remember "them. "
The only joke I could ever tell | is about a man who goes into a pub in "Glasgow. "
He sees another guy and the other guy | hits him over the head with an iron "bar. "
And he says, "Hey! Ow! | Are you trying to be funny?"
And the guy says, "No... " | I'm "sorry. " Can we do that again?
I'm no fucking good at "jokes. "
I don't do jokes and I didn't even want to do this - | but when they beg, it's "ridiculous. "
With my kind of thing, it's always "attitude. "
I've never been one to pick up on "jokes. " | Not that there's anything wrong in "it. "
When I told it to Emo, he looked like, "God, that's | the joke I should have written but I never "will. "
That is an Emo "joke. "
These three guys walk "in. " | They said, "We have a great, great "act. "
They unzip their flies and pee on the "floor. "
Then they pull down their pants | and poo on the "floor. "
Then they put their fingers down their throats | and "vomit. "
Then they start "slip-sliding. "
The agent said, "What do you call yourselves?" | And they said, "The "Aristocrats. "
Then there are people who just really love | the writing of the joke and the mood of the "joke. "
And the agent says, "I love it, | but I'm not gonna book you until I see you "live. "
This weekend I'll see the Butt-Fucking | Fauntleroys and the Shit-Eating "Grannies. "
Presuming I like you as much as I think I will, | let me ask you "this. "
Are you married to the name the Aristocrats?"
There's a more writerly version of the "joke. "
A manager is trying to sell performers | to a club "owner. "
The club owner goes, | "OK, yeah, what's your act do?"
"A girl comes out and sucks off a donkey,
and a guy comes out, pisses on the girl, | he pisses on the "donkey... "
He says, "Listen, we have a classy joint "here. " | I'm not sure it's our kind of "act. "
"You'll enjoy the "Aristocrats. "
The manager had to come up quickly with | a name to sell the group, so there's "motivation. "
And it's a feelgood "ending. " | Gets you here and gets you "here. " You know?
I like to think the manager's lying, | that they "don't" do all that "stuff. "
They sing and they're funny but he now | has to go back and say, "I've sold "you. "
This is the sort of thing | you're gonna have to "do. "
You're gonna have to shag a donkey and "shit... "
The guy with the saxophone, "Fuckin' what? | What was that donkey shit?"
And, of course, | everybody's style in telling the "joke. "
So the William Morris office | wants to work with this act - it's a family "act. "
The Smothers Brothers is a family "act. " | What do they do?
- They do some "juggling. " | - It's a "jug... "
- It's a juggling act? | - Juggling "thing. "
The father drops one of the clubs | and asks his son to pick it up,
so his "dad... "
dad just knees him right in the "balls. "
- You're putting me "on. " | - No, "no. "
Then the mother does a topless thing | and goes down on the "father. "
- No! | - The kids come out "naked. "
- Naked children? | - Then they do a sex "act... "
- And then they throw "up. " | - They throw up?
- Where have they worked? | - All the best "places. "
- All the best places? | - Do you wanna "know... "
- Do you wanna know what "they're... " | - Not "necessarily. "
Well, ask me! It's kind of "important. "
"OK." What is their name?
The "Aristocrats. "
- The what? Aristocrats? | - The "Aristocrats. "
- You didn't think that's funny? | - "No. "
It's a "classic. "
What makes that a classic?
A classic withstands the test of time | and the Aristocrats is one of those classic jokes
that has gone through 50, 60, 70 "years... "
So, no matter how many times I hear it, | I'll still think it's funny?
Whenever you say "Aristocrats" | the audience falls "down. "
- I "didn't. " | - Well, you're a straight "man. "
You're not supposed "to. "
The Aristocrats is so much about | the kind of signature that a comedian puts on "it. "
That's what we "do. " You make it your "own. "
In the Amish version - the father flicks on a light, | the mother's using a radio remote,
watching "television. " | He goes, "What do you call yourselves?"
"Tis well we call ourselves the "Aristocrats. "
That's the last "thing... "
First I come out on stage - and I am pregnant -
a friend of mine comes out | and he starts fucking me up the "ass. "
The baby starts sucking the penis | of the guy who's fucking me up the "ass. "
I start getting contractions and giving "birth. "
The baby starts coming out and come | starts coming out of the baby's "mouth. "
I mean, come on, | what is more beautiful than birth?
This woman comes into his office | and wants "representation. "
She says, "I'm the "centrepiece. "
My husband comes out, he bends down, | he goes down on "me. "
We used to have Grandma blowing Grandpa
while she had a kazoo out of her ass | playing Begin The "Beguine. "
But she claims that these days | she doesn't have the wind for it any "more. "
Personally, I think she's tired | of blowing the guy after 54 "years. "
Comedians have done it in the way they tell it, | but as you're listening
your own personal orientations | you bring to this joke,
so it's funny for different "reasons. "
Sure I coulda told it some other "way. "
Some scatological bullshit that these boys "love. "
No, I needed the woman's point of "view. "
And you notice, the first sex act | was the husband going down on the "woman. "
The man would have had a blowjob in "there. "
Grandma, by the way, | is a talent, a gift "beyond. "
If she was born in another era, | she could have "been... "
Liza "Minnelli. " That "talented. "
But because she was in | the wrong time and place,
she ended up playing Begin The Beguine | out of her "asshole. "
There are different rules for "women. "
Men, they can "get... " | Men are expected to talk "dirty. "
And women are supposed to be "ladylike. "
They won't take it from Phyllis | because that's not Phyllis's "demeanour. "
They'll definitely take it from me | because if I don't say "cock" they're "pissed. "
Males have a cruder sense of "humour. "
A female wouldn't ever really create that "joke. "
I'm sick of women going, "It's a guy "thing. " | It's a "joke. "
If funny is a guy thing, you know what? | I'll strap it "on. "
Cos I go and I do stuff and people say, | "What, you didn't curse?"
I'm trying not to do that, you "know. " | I'm trying to be genteel and "shit. "
But it doesn't work for "me. "
So when I would tell a joke like this,
it would be all about dripping penises "and... "
maybe pulling foreskins back | and making helmets out of "'em. "
It would be the whole "thing. "
Why don't you do your version?
Because you've already got versions like "that. "
- I don't think we have. | - Oh, I bet you "do. "
I bet you "do. " I know you "do. "
Four guys walk "in. " They say, "Let's see the "act. "
The four guys take their pants down,
they take their giant penises | and they take the foreskin and go like "this. "
They pull up the penises like this and they go, | "Wow. "
They pull it down over themselves | and start to "sing... "
# Hallelujah, hallelujah
# I give the world "to... "
That's the kind of joke I would fuckin' "tell. "
How could you clean that joke up? | I guess you could say "making"love"."
But they're brothers and sisters | so it's already "incest. "
You're already in a big "hole. "
Well, actually, when the curtain rises,
there we are on stage - | me, my two daughters, my wife,
and a gorilla named Daisy | from the Belgian "Congo. "
My daughter pulls my index finger, | at which point I let out a thunderous "fart. "
My wife does a very sexy striptease dance | on a "tom-tom. "
Following that, I have a violent love affair | with the gorilla Daisy, if you know what I "mean. "
But have no fear, if there are any children, | they'll be brought up as Catholics, you "see. "
He was in purple, she was in "heliotrope. "
They would come "in... " | They had two black "satchels. "
They said, "We work in "one. " It's an "olio. "
And the band will "go... "
And he opens up the black case | and there's a silver hammer in "it. "
His wife pulls out the chair | and he sits down upon the "chair. "
His wife takes the hammer | and with a great, swift movement -
bang! - Hits her husband right in the "forehead. "
He goes ass over tea kettle back down,
over the couch, over the agents, | back in and pulls the drapes "down. "
The agent says, "My God, | I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
"Thank you very "much. " | He picks up the hammer, puts it away,
then he picks up that case, | picks up the other "one. "
They're about to leave and he says,
"Excuse me, just for curiosity,
what's in the other case?"
And he says, "Tylenol. "
"And what's the name of your act?"
"We call "ourselves... The Sophisticates. "
That's how I heard "it. "
They are my generation of "entertainer. " | We were all together at the same "time. "
You had to work clean | because there were signs backstage,
"No dirty "material. " Nothing "blue. "
You got vaudeville and the chitlin' "circuit. "
A black comic can always be "dirty. "
Couldn't get on TV | so he weren't worried about who we "offended. "
They'd be dirty on "stage. " It didn't "matter. "
So, a joke where part of the fun is that you're | dirty, and they could tell it anytime they "want. "
Cocks and "cunts. " That's where it's "at. "
Seinfeld never "cursed. " I told you "that. "
- Be like "Seinfeld. " | - All "right. "
Did you ever notice when you kick your girlfriend | in the cunt she calls the cops on you?
In all of art it's the singer, not the "song. "
You see that when you hear jazz musicians | who play the same song over and over "again. "
You hear one note of Coltrane, | you know it's "Coltrane. "
But I never understood it | as so clear in "comedy. "
When someone tells the Aristocrats very clearly, | it's the singer, not the "song. "
Here's the "joke. " A guy goes into a talent "agent's. "
He says, "I just saw the most amazing "act. " | You should hire this "act. " It's "incredible. "
And the agent says, | "Well, tell me what "happens. "
He says: Well, there's a family out on the "stage. "
There's a husband and a wife | and three little girls, like 12, 8 and "4."
They're just sitting there and they're all "reading. "
There's a little ceramic ballerina | going around playing Mozart "music. "
It's very calm and the lighting is "beautiful. "
And then the father gets up | and he walks off stage
and he comes back with flowers
and he gives one to the wife | and one to each of the "daughters. "
They go, "Oh, Daddy, we love "you. " | "You're my precious "angels. "
And everything is so "nice. Smiling. "
Then the father gets up and he leaves again
and he comes back with a big bottle of whisky | and a baseball "bat. "
He starts drinking the whisky
and he goes to the wife and starts | smashing her round the shoulders and "legs. "
He's banging her legs | and there's blood gushing everywhere
and the daughters are screaming and he chases | them and smashes them on the back of the "leg. "
There's screaming and blood "everywhere. "
And the guy said, "That's "horrible... "
The agent said, | "That's the most horrible thing I've ever "heard. "
What could this thing be called? | What is this? What is it?"
And the guy said, "It's called the "Aristocrats. "
And then they just blankly looked | at each other for a while and "then... "
the agent said, "I'd like to see that, "actually. "
It's this family - the Cavanaghs - | Anne and "William. "
They're eating dinner and they just "finish. "
Their maid comes in and she clears the "plates. "
They have two children - Betsy and "Timmy. "
Anne suggests | that they all go into the drawing room,
where Anne then braids | Betsy's beautiful blonde "hair. "
The husband plays chess with "Timmy. "
Then the maid comes in | with strawberries and whipped "cream. "
They all eat a nice "dessert. "
That's the "act. "
- What would you call an act like that? | - The Cocksucking "Motherfuckers. "
There is another which uses the same word - | aristocrats - so maybe we can go there "instead. "
There were three missionaries -
a Catholic, a Buddhist and a Jew - | who were out in the middle of "Africa. "
They were caught by "headhunters. "
The chief came up and said, | "Good afternoon, "gentlemen. "
You have your options - death "or... " | you can meet the "Aristocrats. "
First is the Jewish "rabbi. "
"Have you made up your mind?" | He says, "Absolutely. "
Perhaps there's an "afterlife. " | I'm not really sure about "that. "
We certainly value the life on "Earth. "
I have decided I will go with | meeting the "Aristocrats. "
Out come about 14 men, | wearing just the skimpiest little "loincloths. "
They ream him in every "orifice. "
They throw his body "up. " | They throw his body "down. "
He is completely covered | with aborigine "spermatozoa. "
They leave him, basically, | as a floppy little rag doll, over in the "bushes. "
He asks the Catholic priest, "How about you?"
"Still the same deal?" And he says, "Yeah, | you can either die or deal with the "Aristocrats. "
He says, "Horrible as that is, | I am no stranger to certain aspects of "it. "
I do see that the man over there is still "breathing. " | I could stay alive and help my "parishioners. "
I will take "the... I" guess, the "Aristocrats. "
It's same song, second "verse. "
They have him in so many ways | that he has never even dreamt "of. "
He is lying, panting barely audible breaths, | lying in the "underbrush. "
The Buddhist says, "I believe | that we are only here for a short time "anyway. "
I will take "death. "
The chief says, "OK, "fine. " Death it "is. "
But, first, the "Aristocrats. "
So, that'll be my Aristocrats "joke. " | You've got 75 people telling the fucking "thing. "
This joke is one of those songs, I guess, | like Mr Tambourine "Man. "
You could sing it like Bob Dylan | or you could sing it like The "Byrds. "
You could sing it rough or make it "sweet. "
There's not that many jokes like "this. "
We were influenced | by one of the greatest juggling acts of all "time. "
- They'd be completely "naked. " | - At this point, he would penetrate the other "guy. "
The top guy would actually defecate | on the bottom "guy. "
They would actually juggle six severed, flaming, | elephant "penises. "
The were called The Incredible Towering
Flaming Naked | Elephant Penis Juggling "Brothers. "
They changed it to the "Aristocrats. "
You can make the joke funny | and still keep it in your "personality. "
I saw Christopher Walken tell that "story. "
I think it was James Lipton's | Cocksucking "Extravaganza. "
He laid claim to the story actually "happening. "
This "happened. " My uncle was a talent "agent. " | Sort of a Broadway Danny Rose sort of "guy. "
A man comes in and says to my uncle,
"I think I might have the act | that you're looking "for. "
It involves my whole "family. "
My uncle stopped him and "said... "
"That's "crazy. " What do you mean, | your whole family?"
The man says, "A gift my wife has | is unloaded on the audience
and that is projectile "vomiting. "
It's all over the front "row. "
Gallagher, that putz, would wish... this sort "of... "
"... this" sort of thing was possible | from a "watermelon. " Forget "it. "
This is what's happening to my "uncle. " | He starts to "chuckle. "
But he also is frightened for his "life. "
He senses, "Ask the name first, then get him "out. "
Don't give him the bum's rush | cos this fuck will kill "you. Clearly. "
To me, in this joke, | you get to show off your "writing. " Sort "of. "
A family walks into the agent's office | and they want to audition their new "act. "
Mom does a naked cartwheel through the air | and lands flat on her "back. "
She spreads her legs wide | and turns over to "reveal... "
a cherry-coloured "ass. "
Son comes over and begins to jack "off. "
The vigour of youth allows him to do this | over and over "again. "
Sis, whose tits are practically non-existent, | suddenly gets down on all "fours. "
Her hairless paper cut begins twitching | with "anticipation. "
Dad springs into "action. "
He spins his daughter around | and gives her a little bit of "69."
Just then there's a blinding spray | that covers the entire family
and Grandma rides in on a red bicycle, | pisses all over everyone, and says, "Ta-da!"
The agent says, "That's "amazing. " | What do you call yourselves?"
Grandma "says... " "The "Aristocrats. "
We saw the act and it just dumbstruck Teller, | quite "literally. "
I can go into the whole "thing. "
The father who played the bagpipes out his ass,
the mother who did this whole weird thing | with menstrual blood, and "er... "
Yeah, "beautiful. " But the part that killed us | the most was this little cute "kid. " About six?
The kid had this enormous "cock. "
It was the size "of... you know... "
Oh, like the size of a bottle, like "that. "
And he started jerking and jerking | and jerking and "jerking. "
Just as he got to the final end, | he would just jerk, jerk, and the kid "had... "
The whole head of his cock blew "off. "
And we said, "Fabulous. Fabulous. "
Teller couldn't talk any "longer. " | He was just "shocked. Dumbstruck. "
Just never spoke "again. "
The kid was also "dumbstruck. " | He had the head of his cock blown "off. "
You're telling a joke in your own words | and creating your own "setup. "
If that can be personalised, | then that's a form of "writing. "
First I come in there | and I start to get loosened up a little "bit. "
Then I start to stretch my "face. "
Then I like to celebrate the "theatre. Comedy. "
And then Uncle Louie comes "in. "
And then cousin "Eddie. " | He just came back from Russia with the "army. "
# Deutschland Deutschland, Yugoslavia
I got "it. "
And then, Aunt Sadie comes in | and does an acrobatic "number. "
A guy goes into a talent agent and he says, | "Dude, check it "out. " I've got a great "act. "
He's like, "It's not a fuckin' prop act, is it?"
I would tell that joke | but I only work off "prompter. "
So unless I can look in the prompter and "see... "
Was it, "Fingering the daughter and eating shit | out of the grandmother's ass"?
I'd hate to get something like that wrong | cos it seems to be so delicately "worded. "
We all have different kinds of cartoons | playing in the comic's "mind. "
Murray the agent barges into | Stan the variety booker's "office. "
Stan goes, "No, no, no! No, you don't!
You always bring me | the worst acts in the "universe. "
"This one is completely different, Stan, | it's a family "act. "
First the father comes out, | naked as the day he was "born. "
And he sets up a "ladder. "
Then Mom comes out, | and she looks fantastic for her "age. "
She climbs halfway up the ladder, | naked as the day she was "born. "
Then Junior steps out, a strapping young lad, | naked as the day he was "born. "
And he climbs all the way | to the top of the "ladder. "
Dad lights a cigar, gets it smoking good,
sticks it in Mom's ass, she blows a smoke ring | out of her twat and the son dives through "it. "
Everybody loves it in circuses | where they fit a bunch of clowns in a car,
and they all come out, and in the audience | you see the kids' eyes just open up with "awe. "
It's just the most amazing "thing. "
It's like that, | except we all fit into this woman's "cunt. "
She rides around a little ring on a bicycle,
and when she stops, we all pop out of her cunt
and spit cunt juice at the audience, | which gets them "involved. "
They get a little wet - | it's like kind of a Gallagher "thing. "
Sometimes there's mucous | and little cunt "loogies. "
And we can make little animals | and things like that out of "the... "
the cunt "snot. "
And we give those to the "kids. "
Others will have more irony | or slightly more "sarcasm. "
A wry sense of looking at the "world. "
The guy goes in to get an "agent. " | The agent says, "What do you guys do?"
"My wife and "I... " Have you heard this one?
It wouldn't be The Onion | if it didn't have Jesus in it.
We have to have the grandfather | fucking Jesus in the "ass. "
You know what is offensive now? Gay "bashing. "
But if it's gay bashing, | we can't have any gay sex in the "act. "
Throwing in gay sex has never deterred anyone | from bashing "gays. "
I think they could do "both. "
I think they could sodomise Jesus up the ass | and "say... "
"This is because you're a "faggot. "
"You probably like this, faggot!"
There are guys who are made to tell this "joke. "
Some people think I have a reputation of being | a dirty "comedian. " I don't want to expose "that. "
I'm really a family kind of oriented "guy. "
Which brings me to this "joke. "
Oh, "Saget. " Now there is a man who walks | around telling the Aristocrat joke in "life. "
That's my friend Paul, | and I'm looking at his "dinger. "
He's got a very huge "wiener. " It's about that "big. "
I believe that's Shandling's "joke. " I'm pretty "sure. "
When you lift something, it better be a "cock. "
Once for Hanukkah, he gave "me... " | some slim "Tampax. "
He said, "Leave 'em out, | so guys will think you're really "tight. "
Here we "go. " This "family... "
mother, father and four "kids. "
Doesn't matter if they're boys or girls, | they're going to be used anyway as just a "hole. "
It's what this joke's about anyway, | using your "kid... "
They have a paper route, | they go to "school... and" then you fuck "'em. "
His aim is to get as many disgusting thoughts | into sentences as "possible. "
The agent goes, "What do you people do?"
The father's, like, "Watch "us. "
He takes his wife's bra, | and he rips off her underwear,
he takes some of her pubes with it - it's "horrible. " | Blood starts dripping down her "legs. "
He pulls out the tampon, throws it at the window | and it "sticks. "
They go down on each other | in different "configurations... "
it's 69, it's 29- cos the kids are young - it's "9... "
The father bends his kid over on the guy's desk | and he's taking him from behind,
which isn't "right. "
If any of you people are doing this | that are watching this,
if you're having sex with your family, | I don't condone it, it's "wrong. "
I could do a lot of PSAs to support | "Do not fuck your"family"."
So they're all fucking each other, right?
All of a sudden, the kid can't take it, | diarrhoea starts squirting from his "ass. "
It's like a haemorrhaging shit "ass. "
The kid starts spinning in a circle cos he can't | control it, it's like Curly and the "Stooges. "
The projectile shit is just flying out, | it's going all over the room, like spin "art. "
You don't know whether | to shit or puke in this "room. "
What the fuck am I doing?
"Then... " Wait, there's "more. "
You get to be a comic for "comics. "
This "is... " This is "fun. "
They start singing Make 'Em "Laugh. "
And Be A "Clown. "
The father's haemorrhoid pops, so he grabs it | and puts it on the end of his nose,
like Emmett Kelly - except he's covered in "shit. "
Then they all start making "out. "
You know, "they're... "
All kidding "aside. "
By the way, this would be a good time right now | to take your pants off and get some "lotion. "
That's what happens next with this "family. " | They just start jacking "and... "
Can I get a copy of this? I'd like to send it | to the kids on the show Full "House. "
It was just an opportunity to be vile | for no reason at "all. " So I used to love "it. "
Father can't help himself, smacks his wife | in the mouth, knocks all of her teeth "out. "
Sticks his fist, accidentally, mind you, | down her toothless "throat. "
Unbelievably, he actually fists her "neck. "
I love the idea of floating right past that,
as if this is the most "normal... " | and the thing you're most used to "doing. "
I come inside my daughter's "asshole. "
And then my wife "feltches... " | I'm not sure if you're familiar with "feltching. "
Feltching is where you fuck someone in the ass | and then "you... "
"... suck" the come "out. "
Jis straight is good,
but if it has that little taste of "shit... "
We also have the dirty "Sanchez. "
That's when you fuck someone in the ass, | pull it out and give the girl a moustache,
with the shit on your "dick. "
Mexican "moustache. "
Then there's the strawberry "shortcake. "
He jerks off on her face | and punches her in the "nose. "
She's bleeding and there's "white... "
A rusty trombone, obviously, you "know. "
Come "on. " The rusty trombone | people have heard "of. "
You spread a man's asshole,
and then there's the rusty "hole... "
And I lick his ass | while I reach around and jerk him "off. "
And that's how "you... "
Space docking, where you take a shit | in a girl's "pussy. " I don't think anyone "has. "
I would make sure | that I was treating those things "as... "
"And then he took the carburettor, and | he began to take the carburettor "apart... "
"I'm fucking my daughter, understand, | while she's knobbing my "son. "
And he's not trying to be "foul. "
He "believes... " "It's really quite novel | what we do and you'd be crazy not to hire "us. "
Make it as matter of fact as "possible. "
That's the joy for me of saying something | that violates someone's "boundaries. "
The mother clips the nails off her hand, | puts it up her daughter
and starts working her like a "puppet. "
The father's got smelling salts | that he's been giving to his kids,
who keep passing "out. "
Their heads are bleeding and they've been | anally raped in front of an "agent... "
The mother had a big boil on her back - | that "popped. "
Always make sure you haven't left anything out,
because you know | there's always the chance to be "topped. "
He takes out his penis | and goes over to the agent's "desk. "
He starts slamming his dick in the "drawer. "
Just flattens it right out like a "bookmark. "
Then starts smacking his kids with it, | like a wet towel at the "gym. "
He knocks one of his kids in the eye | and it pops "out. "
He looks at that as an opportunity, mind "you. "
Just trying to go further | than anyone had ever gone "before. "
He just puts his flat wiener | right in that eye "socket. "
Gets caught - | gets caught on the back of his "retina. "
He starts trying to get him off of him,
and he's "cock-eyed... no. "
So all this was going "on... "
I gotta go "on. " I'm sorry, I got people to "entertain. "
Excuse "me. "
What is so unique about this joke,
is that it's so absurdly front loaded | that it's almost the opposite of a "joke. "
Steam is built up in the "setup. "
There's something very satisfying | in that "structure. "
Momentum, momentum, momentum "and... " | the punch line means "nothing. "
There's something very satisfying in "that. "
But it is the kind of joke that, you know,
if you spent this much time on a setup | and the punch line was "Aristocrats"... "
most people are gonna "go... "
He says, "The "Aristocrats. "
Oh, "lord. "
Here, have some "money. "
The punch line is almost "intentionally... "
not lame, but weaker than | you might have expected it to "be. "
But the journey is so much fun | that you just don't "care. "
I'm not even sure what this "means. "
The punch line can be the icing on the cake, | but the cake can be really "delicious. "
They slice a line | that runs up the middle of a testicle,
it's like a butterfly shrimp at "Benihana. "
Now it looks like some strange sort of "mouth. "
They have ventriloquist nut "sacks. "
Then they brought some children out on "stage. "
That was "sweet. " One guy lays "down... " | he's got a rod the size of my "arm... "
and balanced the kid, | up his ass on the guy's "rod. "
Then they jerk the kid off, get the kid hard, | they put another naked kid, his ass on "that... "
- They're building like a "tower. " | - Something you gotta see to "believe. "
By spinning each kid in a different direction, | you get this kind of "thing... "
It was lovely and had great "lighting. "
There are people who tell it | who tunnel and make it great,
and make the act more interesting and "fabulous. "
And then the animal part came "on. " | I'm trying to remember everything I "saw. "
- Donkey, Ilama, "camel... " | - Something that looked like a bison, I "guess... "
An animal that they brought out | that you were "rubbing. "
- That wasn't an "animal. " | - What was it?
It wasn't an "animal. "
We're so conditioned now to sitcom humour,
where it's setup, punch "line. "
They think they're missing it, | they don't know the journey is the "fun. "
What intrigues me is how in America | you can laugh at something like "Aristocrats. "
You don't have "aristocrats. " | Why does that work in America?
That much foul filth needs a word | like "aristocrats"."
It almost sounds quaint that you can put | a cute cap on something that rancid
that's just as ugly as you can be, | and is like "the"Aristocrats"."
A form of society that doesn't even "exist. "
I'm not gonna "lie. " The first time I heard it, | I said, "What's an aristocrat?"
I had no "idea. "
Just this odd "word. "
But it's the only word that would satisfy | that hunk of "filth. "
I have heard the twist of calling them | "the "Sophisticates. "
Also "works. " Actually, maybe even a little "better. "
Maybe a little "better. " | That's nice, the "Sophisticates. "
I personally think it's a much better "joke. "
It's the goofiness of a person | turning the joke upon "themselves. "
Whereas aristocrats are seldom "self-appointed. "
- Therefore the joke is "satire. " | - That's a political "statement. "
You know what would be great to add to this?
Just add "Republican. "
And the "Democrats. " | It's not about them and "Republicans. "
Because of the language and the images,
that gives it a political "slant. "
I don't think the original intent was | to do anything but tell a wild "joke. "
There's no act in England | that an aristocrat wouldn't "do... "
"... that" doesn't involve shagging animals | or fist-fucking cows, or "anything. "
This was the evening of | Monty Python And The Holy "Grail. "
As you can see, there's our friend Eric Idle, | George Harrison and Terry "Gilliam. "
We were just telling jokes,
and George said, "Instead of aristocrat | or sophisticates, we use "royalty. "
Which is an even funnier "joke. "
An English one is "debonairs", | but that doesn't grab "me. "
When I heard it, it was the "Debonairs. "
Which I think is even "funnier. "
It has a certain je ne sais "quoi. "
The Debonairs? I like "that. "
The Aristocrats is pretty funny, | the more you think about "it. "
Whatever the other guys are telling you, | I have the "original. "
People signed the Declaration of Independence, | there was a big party - that's the way it was "told. "
I'm from "Philadelphia. " Go to Independence Hall, | see the Liberty Bell, the "Declaration. "
There is a framed sketch | of the original telling of the "Aristocrats. "
And you see Ben Franklin laughing,
and you see Betsy Roth taking a "dump. "
Because the original joke, when they slid | through the shit and vomit, they hit the "bell. "
And that's what cracked the "bell. "
Look at the signers, | there's one very heavy "signer. "
He's the one that fucked up the "bell. "
I told the "original. " People are gonna tell the | Aristocrats a different "way. " That's "fucked. "
Er... this "joke... "
my grandfather told my father, | he heard it from his "grandfather... "
It goes all the way back, this "joke. "
Sometimes it was known as | the tale of Pushtuchkin,
the gay "rabbi. "
Was ist das? Die Aristocrats!
There's a similar tale, it gets mixed "up. "
My grandfather took this joke so far,
his entire life - he lived 67 years -
always in a constant state of this "joke. "
Constant - eat, everything he did, "marry... "
children, "everything. "
It was setup, setup, setup, "setup. "
And then, just the moment he died, punch "line. "
"What do they call this act?" "The "Aristocrats. " | He's "dead. "
And you know, we "laughed. "
Grandpa's dead | and we went, "Oh, the Aristocrats!"
I get it all of a sudden, his entire "life. "
I get "this. "
We thought, and we were right, | that he was "crazy. "
What he did, no-one will top "him. "
No-one will top this "guy. "
Uncle "Yanush. "
My "grandfather's... "
See, that's bad improv right "there. "
My grandfather, Uncle "Yanush. "
I remember being at school | and I remember going home,
and my grandmother sitting me down | and telling me the "joke. "
She's from Poland, so she only spoke "Yiddish. "
The only English word she knew was "cunt"."
I remember "cunt"."
And I remember her saying, "Eat, "eat. "
And "cunt"."
You know, now that I think back on it, | it's probably "wrong. "
There was this story my mother used to tell me.
There was a goat in Tammy
that my father got very involved with
while he was working - | they went on the road with this "act. "
My father was blowing this goat over at MGM | and my mother walked in on "them. "
And my mother just thought that was "adorable. "
My mother is a golden shower "queen. "
The original movie of Singin' In The Rain | was a huge golden shower "extravaganza. "
But it didn't get past the censors, | which is a shame,
because there were some wonderful numbers | with Mickey "Rooney... "
who was huge with "fisting. "
In the early days in Hollywood, | it was completely "accepted. "
I always love show business "jokes. "
These ones that seem a little more "inside. "
And in a very sort of twisted, warped way,
this disgusting, foul joke is a joke about | the sweet old days of show "business. "
I'm going to sit on top of the | piano and fit the whole thing in my "vagina. "
The percussionist - | I love that word, "percussionist" -
is gonna take his triangle, | put it in front of my triangle,
and kling-a-ling-a-ling with the trolley, | just the way mama sang "it. "
And then I'm gonna take the banger | to the triangle, and kling-a-ling it,
until my clitoris swells up | into a large Macy's Day Parade "balloon. "
I'm gonna take it and stretch it out,
and I'm gonna wrap it round the microphone | cord and fling it over my shoulder
the way Mama used to "do. "
As I'm singing,
# What'll I have that I "don't... " | ... have
Where did that note go?
And then the rest of the band's | gonna jump up, and we're gonna "sing. "
# Shine your shoes, shine your shoes
And I'm gonna shine my shoes | with my vagina juices,
put 'em back on, tap, tap, tap, do a split, | and that's the "act. "
I'm gonna call "it... "
...the Aristocrats.
Isn't that terrific?
This is a joke exclusive to show "business. "
You'd never hear a physicist going, | "It's a muon, you "cunt. "
I have a joke very similar to | "That's why the group is called Aristocrats",
in the show business theme with a nice "turn. "
There's an audition for piano player | at a very exclusive "bar. "
A guy shows up, and the owner says, | "This is a very exclusive "place. "
I'd like you to play all different styles of music, | but they have to be "classy. "
The guy says, "I can do "anything. "
He plays the most beautiful song | the owner's ever "heard. "
He says, "I've never heard that "before. " | "I wrote it "myself. "
"What's it called?"
"It's called 'My dog was fucking me in the ass | while my cat was licking my "balls'."
"That's"awful. "Do you have any other songs?"
"I have a wonderful thing I'll play for "you. "
He plays this kind of jazzy tune and they say, | "Great! What was that?"
He says, "I ate your sister's bloody "tampon. "
"Hey, this a classy "place. " No more of "that. "
He goes, "Oh, "fine. Fine. "
"I really like your songs, I wanna hire "you. "
Play for my customers, just don't tell them | any names of your "songs. "
That night he starts playing the piano and the | crowd goes crazy, the songs were "beautiful. "
After an hour he says, | "Give me a break, I've gotta go to the "can. "
He goes to the "bathroom. " On his way out, | he forgets to zip up his "pants. "
Somebody says, "You know, your zipper's | undone and your dick's hanging "out. "
He says, "Know it? I wrote it!"
That's what a group of entertainers | have in "common. "
They understand they've seen shitty "acts. "
The worst bar band in Shitsville, Ohio,
always have a glorious name,
like, The Incredible Diamond-Studded | Reefer "Tones. "
It's done in every aspect of "life. "
You'll see a little rundown greasy spoon diner,
calling itself The Gourmet "Corner. "
Besides from the humour of the joke | there's a sadness,
that these people had no self-realisation
that what their act was | would get them absolutely no "place. "
Yet they call themselves the Aristocrats,
because they're clinging to | the very last vestige of "respectability. "
Absolutely no class, absolutely "horrible. "
But they are in show business | and they are "aristocrats. "
I don't put the Aristocrats on my rsum | any more, you "know. "
It doesn't take away from, like, my "pride. "
I actually was an "Aristocrat. "
It's kinda weird to be a part of that "legend. "
It was my mom, my dad, me, my "brother... " | and my "nana. "
My father would come out on stage,
the music would play | and he would start "masturbating. "
My brother comes out,
they do, like a mutual masturbation, | kind of like a Dueling "Banjos. "
They're holding hands and they "spin. "
I stay in a stationary "position. "
When the assholes come by, | I lick the "assholes. "
And in one motion, my "mother... " | both pinkies up their assholes, as they "come. "
It's "pretty... " It's pretty "spectacular. "
And it's all about "timing. "
Like, on one level it's a joke about | scatological humour and show "business. "
But on another level,
it's about a family,
it's about the hopes and dreams of that "family... "
My brother has Down's "syndrome. "
Did I say that?
People think it's a setback, but "really... "
it's a selling "point. "
It's not a "handicap. "
I don't wanna say it's a "gift. "
I mean, we think of it as a gift | just in terms of ticket sales, but I "mean... "
we think of it "as... "
showing the other beauties that God creates,
like the ones with the bigger foreheads,
and the lower "eyelids. "
Did they ever ask you | to be on The Tonight Show?
Not The Tonight "Show. "
But Joe Franklin loved the "Aristocrats. "
He was like our rehearsal director | when Dad and my brother weren't there,
and my "mother... "
"... and" my nana... weren't "there. "
I was on his "show. "
He said it wasn't a taped "show. "
we, like, did a "show. "
Like, in his apartment?
Yeah, it was his "office. "
But he had "a... " a bed in "it... "
like a couch that he called Uncle Joe's "bed. "
For little "people. " | Cos a couch is like a bed for little "people. "
You know?
Joe Franklin raped "me. "
Comedians often feel like, | "I am this weird, twisted, strange person,
somewhere near the outer reaches | of the bell curve,
trying somehow to package this
in a way that confers upon me | some kind of dignity and "respect. "
Maybe that's the reason | that this joke is so "appealing. "
I've played by their rules for a really long "time. " | I don't want to do it any "more. "
Will they prevent me | from doing a show with the Olsen twins?
I think you're all skirting around "this. "
You should all be "aristocrats. " | The audience, all of us should be "aristocrats. "
People are contracted | into this puritanical idea
that we have to get married when we're young, | we can't fuck boys and fuck "girls. "
We can do it "all. " Starfish are "bi. "
Have you seen a starfish eat out | another starfish? It takes for "ever. " They do "it. "
Close the comedy clubs and open up brothels, | bathhouses, glory "holes. "
This is what this country "needs. " | It needs a really tight "orgasm. "
I'm an "actor. " I was in a lot of TV "shows. "
I went to this orgy "once. " I fucked all these people | and somebody whispered in my ear,
"You were great on "Friends. "
But you're not going to have Mary Hart | talk about that with "me. "
I want to take an approach to the joke | in my "way. "
I'm the agent and I'm pitching "it. "
So this very athletic blond man | walks onto the stage in a leather "Speedo. "
He has this slightly sadistic nature about "him. "
He has this fine, fine baby hair | all over these very steely pectoral "muscles. "
He has like a treasure trail that goes "down... "
to heavy, cut "man-meat. " An 11 x7 "cock. "
He's horse-hung "guy. "
This chick walks up with a rocket body | and artificial "rack. "
She looks like Carmen Electra, only "better. " | She starts gently rubbing her "pussy. "
This submissive sissy boy comes out | and points at the dick and says,
"I want that cock to bust my virgin "ass. "
The chick straps on this dildo,
has this challenging, intense expression | on her face, and says, "Let "me. "
She rubs him in a very spiritually-centred "way. "
Little sissy boy is obviously a demanding | pussy "bottom. "
He tilts his ass "up. "
She starts eating his ass, giving him this | rim job royale, as they'd say in Pulp "Fiction. "
The horse-hung dick is now going into | pussy boy's "mouth. " He's getting "face-fucked. "
The girl takes his cock in her pussy, | but what "she... "
and this is gonna be in the programme,
that the girl has trained in that fine geisha way | where the pussy would contract,
to make your vagina pull up on that "cock. "
When you are shooting, it is like yanking "it. "
I don't know if anyone's ever had that happen, | but it's "wild. "
She is taking a huge fucking horse "flow. "
It's called the "Massage-ocrats. "
This joke holds a mirror up to "itself. "
The people who say the joke must contain shit - | don't invite them into your "home. "
The people who say it must involve bestiality - | don't let them near your "dog. "
This tells you a lot about a person, this "joke. "
It's where your darkest place can go, you "know. "
In a way, this joke really isn't all that "relevant. "
Standards of "offensive" change over "time. "
It's quite a tame joke "now. "
There's something quite charming about it, | which is "weird. "
"I have got the perfect family "act. " | "Go "ahead. " Tell "me. "
"The wife and I go out, we sing and dance, | we fuck each other,
we fuck the kids, | the kids fuck each "other. "
The dog shits and pisses on all of "us. " | He looks up, jumps through a "hoop. "
"What do you call the act?" | "The "Aristocrats. "
The agent goes, "I already have an act like "that. "
That's what happened to show "business. "
"Fuck the kids, fuck the dogs," doesn't "matter. " | Well, I've already seen "that. "
That's not really a joke any "more. "
That's actually a really great idea | to pitch to a "network. "
I could walk into NBC tomorrow and say | I have a dysfunctional family "idea. "
So dysfunctional it defies "description. "
We have people fucking and sucking, | diddling like an 11-year-old "cheerleader. "
We can bring in people from the "past. " | They get those idiotic ads - Humphrey "Bogart. "
Get your major world leaders from the past, | like Hitler, Mussolini, Genghis "Khan. "
I just thought of that!
It's not a joke! This will go on "TV."
We blow Hitler, then in the next episode | we bite his dick "off. " Ha ha!
See what happens to Hitler's "dick. " | Phenomenal!
It's a family act but it's a twist, | cos they're "retarded. "
What they do is, they get in a pile | of dead nuns and they fuck each other,
then they have a big closing | and fist-fuck an autistic "pre-teen. "
The agent says, "Well, what do you call 'em?"
And he says, "The "Osbournes. "
A lot of what is already on TV now, they would | have the dog-fucking and the shit-eating "on... "
- "Friends. " | - Not on Friends but on South "Park. "
- You guys want to hear a funny joke? | - "No. "
This family walks into a talent "agency. "
Mother, father, son, daughter and a little "baby. "
The father says, | "Sir, our family has an amazing "act. "
The agent says, "Family acts are too "cutesy. "
The mother goes, "Sir, just give us two "minutes. " | We know you'll like our "act. "
The agent says, | "All right, you've got two "minutes. "
Thrilling circus music starts | as the father spins his daughter round,
- lifts her skirt and starts licking her "asshole. " | - What?!
Then the son lays down, opens his mouth, and | the mother squats down and shits all over "him. "
- Dude! | - Hold on, hold "on. "
The father grabs the baby, | takes off his diaper and sucks his cock,
while the son, with shit in his mouth, | goes over and licks the baby's "balls. "
Then they take the baby | and stuff it head-first into the mother's "vagina. "
- Just "stop. " | - Hold "on. "
They get the baby halfway in | so just its legs are sticking "out. "
The son takes the shit out of his mouth | and rubs it all over everyone,
while the father sticks his cock | in the baby's asshole and fucks it,
until he comes all over the baby, | the wife, son and "daughter. "
- I don't want "to... " | - Will you hold on, please?
Then the father says, "And now for our | impersonation of the victims of 9/11 "."
The family runs around | covered with shit, piss and come,
going, "Ah! The building's coming down! Help!"
The family runs back to the centre of the room | and goes, "Ta-da!"
The talent agent just sits "there. " | Finally, he says,
"That's a hell of an"act. "What do you call it?"
The father says, "The "Aristocrats. "
I don't get "it. "
Neither do "I."
It's not transgressive any "more. "
We're re-inventing the joke | by putting in stuff that's offensive "now. "
The world has "changed. "
Shockability had gone to a whole other "level. "
People say, "Nigger, spic, dick, "cunt. "
You can say all that, people "go... "
When you're among comedians, | you have to push the "envelope. "
A comedian telling it to comedians?
He'd probably do a more disgusting version | of it for his peers
than he would for his friends at the bar | from the old "neighbourhood. "
It's like you're performing in front of your family, | yet there's no holds "barred. "
There's a level of appreciation | that will go along with "it. "
I dare you to tell that joke on stage | in front of "anyone. "
If you can make an audience laugh at that, | you are "God. "
I'm a writer at the New York "Observer. " | For five years, I've covered the Friar's "roast. "
This year I wrote about Gilbert Gottfried's | take on the "Aristocrats. "
Gilbert Gottfried did it at the Hugh Hefner "roast. "
It was the funniest fucking joke "ever. "
This roast was happening | not even three weeks after September 11th,
so there was a big discussion | about what was right in terms of "taste. "
There hadn't been any comedy in New "York. " | It was very "fresh. "
We were faced with having to put up a show, | put on tuxedos,
get Hugh Hefner and his pussy posse | on a "plane. "
It wasn't easy but we got him to do "it. "
To his credit, we raised half a million dollars | for charity, for 9/11 "charities. "
People needed a laugh, to "release. "
Everybody was pulling "back. " | Everybody was really being "careful. "
Rob Schneider went on "first. "
He was doing great, | then a couple of jokes didn't "work. "
I went up to the mike and I said, "Rob, hasn't | there been enough bombing in this city?"
Here comes Gilbert and he just went for "broke. "
It was "unbelievable. "
Gilbert Gottfried took the mike, | took the room "over. "
He said he was trying to get a direct flight | to Los "Angeles. "
He was nervous cos his plane had a connection | at the Empire State "Building. "
That was when the crowd "turned. "
They started booing him. | A guy was shouting, "Too soon, too soon. "
The crowd was murmuring and he said:
"OK." A "man... "
A talent agent is sitting in his "office. "
A family walks in: Man woman, | their two kids, and their little "dog. "
The agent goes, | "What kind of an act do you do?"
It was like he made a conscious decision, | "OK, I can't push the envelope of taste
in terms of what happened in September, | so I'll push it in a completely different "direction. "
It was arguably the dirtiest roast | the Friar's had ever "done. "
The father starts fucking his wife, | the wife starts jerking off the son,
the son starts going down on the sister,
the sister starts fingering the dog's "asshole. "
He just grabbed them by the "throat. " | He just "attacked. "
Then the son starts blowing his "father. "
You want me to start at the beginning?
If you missed any portion, I'll repeat "it. "
There was this weird buzz that came.
The guys up on the dais were looking at each | other with this look of familiarity in their "eyes. "
They were all saying, | "Where is he going to take this?"
Then the daughter starts licking out | the father's "asshole. "
Then the father shits on the floor, | the mother shits on the "floor. "
The dog pisses and shits on the "floor. "
They all jump down into the shit and piss | and come
and they start fucking and sucking each other,
and then they take a "bow. "
And the talent agent "says... "
I'll wait till you're "ready. "
I'm sitting at a table | and the comics were on the "floor. "
They might have to clean this up for "TV."
I was laughing cos he was going so big with it,
which I can't imagine Gilbert Gottfried "doing. "
It was probably one of the best single tellings | of a joke I've ever "heard. "
Now, where was I? Oh, "yes. "
The son is licking out his father's "asshole. "
I almost died because I couldn't | catch my breath with "laughing. "
They fuck and suck each other | and they take a "bow. "
And the talent "agent... " | Did you miss any portion of this?
The talent agent says, | "Well, that's an interesting "act. "
Which is kind of an "understatement. "
The laugh was so deep and cathartic | that people were coughing up pieces of "lung. "
It was "amazing. " A lot of people watching him, | or up on the dais, are all in comedy
and it was as if he had united everybody | in that one moment
because he told something that they all knew | and they all had some sort of handle on "it. "
He focused it and clearly impressed | a lot of people in the room.
He pulled this thing out and did it so well,
with such fearlessness.
I hate to end this on a really sentimental "note. "
There was a sound in the audience | that you really knew something was "happening. "
It was outside my grasp, and for anyone else | who wasn't a total comedy "veteran. "
Not a great "joke. "
On the other hand, hear Gilbert Gottfried | tell a joke like that, it's a "Picasso. "
The joke I didn't care about any "more. "
I wanted to see how far he would take it,
and when he would not stop saying | "fucking and"sucking"... "
Watching him go through his apoplectic,
rhythmic, incantation of the whole thing | sort of takes "over. "
The fact that he is saying these particular words | almost doesn't "matter. "
He says, "What do you call yourself?"
And they go, "The Aristocrats!"
It's just a "joke. "
Is it as shocking as the first time you heard it?
Don't touch "me. "
- Is that the joke as you remember it? | - I didn't hear it that "way. "
This is so much "worse. "
I'm already feeling like I didn't do it "justice. "
I had "fucking the daughter" in there | but I didn't colour it in with colourful "adjectives. "
"An arm like "Popeye. "
I didn't realise the bill that I was "on. "
What's the most vile, offensive thing | you could add to top all that?
If a guy took some of the shit and smeared it | on his face and did a black-face "routine. "
- Doing a minstrel "act. " | - That's "good. "
Add "race-baiting. "
Sex any more? Who gives a shit? | The racial issue has replaced the sexual "issue. "
- I'm the agent and you're the "client. " | - "OK."
Are you a Jew agent, | you filthy, hook-nosed, thieving fuck?
He goes, "A Black guy comes on and starts | sucking my cock like it's a chicken neck "bone. "
This Indian comes on - you know, | Slurpee Indian, not casino "Indian... "
...sprinkles curry on "everybody... "
"... and" starts stinking up the "place. "
A spic comes on, steals everybody's wallet | and takes a shit on the "stage. "
The Black guy grabs a mop, sticks it up the gay | guy's ass and mops up the fucking "floor. "
The agent says, | "Holy shit, what do you guys call yourselves?"
The fag goes, "The "Aristocrats. "
One of the clichs people often go to "is... "
Now, some people do this for shock "value. "
Shock is just another uptown word for "surprise. "
Granted it has a different quality to it, | but a joke is about surprising "someone. "
Three women of colour go to this "agent. "
He goes, "What do you do?"
"My sister plays the "cello. " She plays | Chopin's Third Movement in B "Minor. "
I lay on a chaise longue nude, | reading sonnets from "Shakespeare. "
My third sister paints a painting | very similar to Delacroix's The "Girl. "
He says, "Wow, what do you call this act?"
She goes, "Oh, we're Nigger "Cunts. "
You can't say "that. "
The two worst words in the "world. "
I'm a great believer in "context. " | You can joke about "anything. "
Funny is "funny. " If told with a funny bone, | anything's "acceptable. "
Let's have some "fun. "
After the tragic events of January 3rd, come "on. "
On January 3rd, I left my Visa | at the Four Seasons, it was "like... "
I do like finding out where the line is drawn,
deliberately crossing it and bringing | some of them with me across the line,
and having them be happy that I "did. "
I like to take chances,
because I just think that you "should. "
That's what comedy is all "about. "
I pull up Mommy's dress, | and I put my wiener in her "butt. "
And I push it into her unwilling "anus. "
And I move my wiener back and forth | until stuff shoots "out. "
So it's finally just a whole prolapsed "rectum. "
It looks like an ulcerated sea "snake. "
Remember when I took you to SeaWorld? "Yeah. "
And all the stuff shoots onto her "face. "
I stick my cock in her ass,
and it's like a shillelagh, | all knotted with boils and fibrous "tumours. "
I'll show you a little bit "later. "
The brother comes "out. " | He eats the stuff off her "face. "
With his bleeding anus splattering on the "crowd. "
We give the front row garbage "bags. " | Have you ever seen Gallagher?
Yeah, I didn't like it that much "myself. "
They ate the poop off the "floor. "
And he says, "Ta-da!"
And the man says, "The "Aristocrats. "
And both of the men are probably "Jews. "
There's still a joke out there | that maybe they shouldn't "tell. "
Maybe they're taking a chance "telling. "
Maybe they get a little bit nervous | as they start the "joke. "
It means something, | even in today's day and "age. "
They just get a little murmur inside,
and I think that will be | what keeps a joke like this "special. "
I never realised any of that stuff | was considered "dirty. "
Before you guys got here, | I was eating a plate of my own "shit. "
Hey, "Mel. " Do you know this joke "about... "
The punch line is "The "Aristocrats. "
I totally do not get "it. "
- You don't get the joke? | - Someone told it to me but I don't get "it. "
The whole family's having sex with each "other. "
- Is that aristocratic? | - It's more than "that. "
Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it "down. " | Do you agree with that?
No, I don't want to tell the joke.
You've had way too many great people tell "it. "
The Aristocrats!
That's "great. "
The best-looking ass in show "business. "
Don't ever ask me to do another favour for "you. "
I guarantee this will not wind up | on my demo "tape. "
I'm not gonna work for Disney ever "again. "
Thanks a lot, Paul "Provenza. "
I once asked Dom Irrera, why does anal sex | play such a huge role in humour?
He said, "I can't tell you but I can show "you. "
Sarah Silverman is a young lady to "watch. "
I'll keep an eye on "her. "
- You've never met her? | - "No. "
Does everyone do this or not?
All "right. " Fuck, shit, "cunt. "
A man goes into a pub and another guy | hits him on the head with an iron "bar. "
He says, "Is that serious or a joke?"
He says, "It's "serious. " | "Thank "God. " I can't stand jokes like "that. "
Is any of this funny?
Don't pan to "them. " Stay on "me. "
Don't look at "them. " | There's gonna be "problems. OK."
Brunch is gonna be up in Redford's "thing. 2020."
I'll try to be alive for "it. "
It's not often you talk about cunts for 10 minutes | and somebody behind a camera goes,
"Perfect. " That's exactly what we "need. "
A guy sees two priests having supper "together. "
He says, "I didn't know whether to send them | a bottle of wine or a cub "scout. "
The dog's name is Peanuts and she is "blind. "
She wasn't blind when we got her,
but we blinded her | just so she'd be a little bit more "fun. "
- "Er... " | That's "good. "
- "Er... " | - That's "good. "
Is this thing on?
To the other comedians: | I don't know what you're getting,
but they refused to pay me | and I'm really "steamed. " Steamed!
And the agent "says... "
What the fuck am I doing?
- Do other people get laughs out of this? | - I think "so. "
And he says, "The Aristocrats!"
Cos it's absolutely the wrong thing | to call an act like "that. "
Is it on?
You're not taping yet really, are you?
- "The mike!" | - I forgot we had the mike "on. "
Try "this. " Ball "sacks. "
I said ball sacks in front of a six-year-old "girl. " | They'll take "my" six-year-old away from "me. "
Bye, "Robert. " Daddy loves "you. "
I often sit here in my garden, | gazing into my Victorian reflecting ball, "and... "
Darling, would you get me a cup of tea?
"Get it yourself. "
I just want to thank "you. " It's so nice | to be part of this extraordinary "experience. "
A rabbi walks into a bar with a "frog. "
Bartender says, "Where did you get that?"
The frog says, | "Brooklyn. " There's hundred of "'em. "
Good "luck. "
I feel like we're all "connecting. "
And now the world's oldest living vaudevillian | with the original Aristocratsjoke.
This way. This way.
There are these two mountain goats and "they... "
Sir? Sir?
- Sir? | "- Huh?
Thank "you. "
The "Aristocrats. "