The Bachelor (1999) Movie Script

oh, give me land, lots of land
under starry skies above
Don't fence me in
Let me ride through
the wide open country that I love
Don't fence me in
Let me be by myself
in the evening breeze
Listen to the murmur
of the cottonwood trees
Send me off forever
But I ask you, please
Don't fence me in
Don't fence me in
Just turn me loose
Let me straddle my own saddle
Underneath the Western skies
on my cayuse
let me wander over yonder
Till I see the mountains rise
I want to ride to the ridge
where the West commences
Gaze at the moon
until I lose my senses
In his heart, every man
is a wild, untamed mustang.
Now, that may sound pretty stupid.
It may even be pretty stupid.
But it's true...
more or less.
I mean, in Africa men
are probably leopards or rhinos.
In India, I'm sure
they're Bengal tigers.
Here we go.
one, two... What's next?
And even here in America
not all men go for mustangs.
Jimmie, we gotta talk.
My friend Marco...
he's a wolf.
He says the symbol of manhood
shouldn't be a vegetarian.
Listen to what Rita
said to me last night.
"In the future,
let's avoid Thai food".
What, too much lemongrass?
No, she said "future".
Everybody I know says "future".
Sanzel, you say "future"?
- Hodgman? Bolt? Stone? "Future"?
- Future.
- There you go.
- They're not women!
So, mustangs.
It's a feeling
of complete freedom.
You're young, you're strong,
you have no one to answer to.
Nothing to do
but run the open plain.
And your whole life is centered
on one primal force...
the endless quest for...
Let's stick with the analogy.
Call it "sweet grasses".
A mustang is driven to get
as much grass as possible...
and a variety.
Tall grasses, shorter grasses...
dark grass, blond grass.
You spend your days in a constant search
for that next succulent patch.
It's a beautiful life.
Don't fence me in
That's how women start... dropping words
like "future" into casual conversation.
Next thing,
you're drunk at a PTA meeting.
Wait till you're in love and your balls
are in a vise. Then you'll see.
What do you mean, we're not compatible?
You don't like me anymore?
of course I do.
I more than like you.
- But...
- Wow. That's great.
So we'll just keep dating.
- Waitress.
- In a second.
- So I broke up with him.
- What?
Jimmie, can you think of
one good reason not to see me?
- "I'm sorry, but it's over.
- Well...
- I have work commitments up the wazoo...
- I have work commitments up the wazoo.
and, well,
I'm raising my standards".
Then just stop working.
Wasting your time.
That makes no sense.
- Have you seen what's out there?
- This is great lettuce.
Anne, by the year 2010
women will outnumber men four to one.
I don't wanna waste your time.
- It's not your fault that...
- Completely self-centered.
you're self-centered.
Well, I'm so sorry I took you away
from your stupid pool tables.
Just don't meet and break up with a guy
before I get home, okay?
- See ya.
- Bye.
I enjoyed...
I'm sorry.
Did you say something to me?
I said, I enjoyed
having lunch with you.
We should do it again sometime.
The minute I met Anne,
we sparked...
in a way that was
completely new to me.
She was as relaxed
and independent as I was.
I mean, we had the perfect
laid-back relationship.
And before we knew it,
we'd been together for a year.
Actually, we both forgot,
so we celebrated a week later.
That's how easy everything was.
My friends,
well, they were less fortunate.
okay, hold on a second.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it is time for...
the bouquet toss.
- If I could get all the single ladies...
- Let's get out of here.
No, I wanna see this.
All the single women?
Could be your lucky day, buddy.
In high school
maybe you read The Lottery.
That's the story about this small town
that draws lots every year...
and whoever gets chosen
becomes a human sacrifice.
That's the bouquet toss.
oh, fuck.
The lottery for weddings.
Sanzel never had a chance.
It became a terrifying cycle.
Each wedding meant a bouquet.
Each bouquet was like an airborne spore
bearing the seeds of the next wedding.
one future led to another.
our numbers dwindled.
And dwindled.
But Anne, she was as beautiful
and as carefree as ever.
- It's terrifying!
- No, this is fun!
- I love this!
- I love it when you act brave.
Come here, you.
So cute.
Turns me on.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Just something to keep in mind
for the future.
That's right.
The "F" word.
So here we are.
What good did all that talk
of mustangs do me?
Me and my wife!
You think I don't know
where that thing's heading?
May I have all the ladies in the house
on this side of the room.
We're about to toss the bouquet.
Today's human sacrifice
is yours truly.
I've outlasted the rest of them,
and I'm kinda proud of that.
Easy, boy.
Nothing to fear.
My mustang days were about
to become a distant memory.
So long, sweet grasses.
About damn time.
You kept me waiting a long time
for this, Jimmie. You know that?
As my last surviving descendant...
you have a sacred duty...
to pass on my genetic material.
That's a lovely sentiment.
For a time I thought
you was gonna fail me...
the way your father did.
I wouldn't say Dad failed you.
My only child, and what does he
leave me with? one miserable grandson.
'Cause he died
in a building collapse.
He always had excuses
for everything he did, didn't he?
Jimmie, have a look at this.
oh, yeah.
There we go.
That is your grandma's
engagement ring.
I only hope that your woman friend
has fat fingers.
Has she been examined...
by a qualified doctor?
Is she fertile?
We're both very healthy,
and I love her.
Love don't exist.
Here, take that.
There's only
the endocrine response.
And that...
only lasts five years, maximum...
according to the great scientists.
That's the reason
you should breed right now.
What scientists?
Take that.
Read it.
As time goes on passing
and withers...
sex becomes rarer and rarer...
and rarer.
Finally, all you're left with
is this cold, chaste...
loveless shell called marriage...
and the incessant irritation
of fatherhood.
The bills keep mounting.
And if you don't believe me...
ask the next-door neighbor.
I tell you, Jimmie...
to sacrifice your happiness
for your descendants...
there's a term for that.
The human condition!
Stripes wins, I propose.
And solids?
I don't know.
Fake choking on a piece of steak.
For three weeks now
you been carrying that ring around...
staring at it, taking Anne
out to dinner, not proposing to her.
It's gotta end.
It's ten of.
Yeah, and the Starlight Room's
five minutes away.
The Starlight Room?
That's where you're taking Anne?
Every human being on Earth knows there's
only one reason a single man under 50...
takes a woman
to the Starlight Room.
To pop the question.
Jimmie Shannon.
Just the man I'm looking for.
What do you say, Marco?
A word in your ear.
Talked to your grandfather
this morning.
oden Sports sent my office
a formal offer to buy the company.
I know. We're cutting
into their market share.
They wanna buy us out, steal our
client list and then close us down.
Shannon Billiards
is not for sale.
How about we continue this conversation
over some eight ball?
Market's up
and I got dollars to shed.
Sorry, Sid, but we're going
through kind of a crisis.
Jimmie's supposed to propose,
and he's lost his nerve.
Anne's a catch.
Who needs nerve?
Let me guess.
The grizzly bear thing.
You know, the manly sense that
you're master of all you survey...
like a grizzly bear.
The question is,
do you want to be married?
- I love Anne.
- Never mind love.
Imagine two different cities...
Husbandtown and Bachelorville.
Which would you want to live in?
Any guy's gonna choose Bachelorville.
Most men come to want
the ball and chain.
Me, I was like you.
I love freedom.
Which is why my marriage
is a miserable failure.
Roy, dry up.
marriage is the most
exquisite expression...
of the human spirit.
A good proposal
comes not only from love...
but from the desire
to be a husband.
Without that desire...
better wait till you're ready.
I wish I could, Sid...
the thing is...
Anne and l
have officially reached...
that place.
You mean...
Shit or get off the pot.
You sure?
What are the factors?
Anne caught a bridal bouquet
last month.
but hardly critical.
Tonight's the third anniversary
of our first date.
I got dinner reservations
at 8:00.
Even so...
At the Starlight Room.
I don't even know how to propose.
Do I kneel?
What do I say?
Wait for the Dom Prignon to arrive
and the thing will take care of itself.
What Dom Prignon?
After the meal, when the waiter brings
the champagne, just mumble something.
It'll all be over with
just like that.
Just the rest of your life
to worry about!
Good knowing you!
Thanks, brother.
Your Dom Prignon, sir.
The first time
Ever I saw
Your face
I thought the earth
Moved in my hand
Well, I have...
kind of a special toast.
It's been three years
since our first date.
Time has really gone by fast.
over the past few weeks
I've been doing some thinking.
Mainly thinking about...
the human condition.
A lot of life comes down to
making sacrifices...
and deciding which direction
is my life gonna go.
Your mouth
Could you please leave?
Thank you very much.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
A lot of life comes down to deciding,
what am I willing to sacrifice?
Because, obviously...
if you choose one path in life,
you can't choose the other.
That's kind of where
I found myself lately...
ever since we...
you and l, in our relationship...
have reached...
that place.
"That place".
The upshot is...
you win.
"You win"?
Was that a proposal?
Well, "you win" was just
the last part of it.
The whole thing was a proposal.
The "you win" had context.
Aren't you even gonna look at it?
First, can we retrace the mental steps
that led to "you win"?
Like when you say that you and l
have reached "that place". What place?
You know what I mean.
Shit or get off the pot?
Did you really just say
"shit or get off the pot"...
right here in the Starlight Room?
What is the big deal?
Why couldn't you have just said
"Fish or cut bait"?
We always say "shit or get off the pot".
Everybody does.
Not in the Starlight Room.
What is it
with the Starlight Room?
Magic, Jimmie!
You know, the whole reason
you come up here to propose?
See the city lights, have a wonderful
meal, listen to beautiful music.
It casts this romantic spell.
But when you say
"shit or get off the pot"...
all that magic
just suddenly disappears...
and all you have left
is bowel trouble.
Well, I'm sorry.
I didn't think you'd get so upset
over a figure of speech.
It's not the words, Jimmie.
It's the whole approach.
God, it's as if you deliberately...
You don't want to marry me,
do you?
I just proposed to you.
But the way you proposed,
you weren't asking me to marry you.
You were asking me to say "no".
Just put it on, all right?
You don't want to be married,
And I don't want to be married
to a guy who doesn't want to be married.
Anne, come here.
You know that I love you.
It's just...
Can't we just leave things
the way they are?
Just for a while.
Hey, sis.
How was the Starlight Room?
What, he didn't ask?
oh, yeah, he asked.
Anne, I'm confused. Shouldn't we be
phoning home and popping the champagne?
He botched it!
The worst proposal.
Maybe the worst proposal
of all time.
But you love the guy.
How bad could it be?
How's this for romantic?
"You win".
- You win what?
- Nothing.
Just "you win".
Like the last three years
have been a poker game...
and I was holding
whatever it is that you hold...
when you win.
"You win".
God, that's brutal.
Could you stop saying it,
Stop it!
- Was he hammered?
- You'd think so. No.
Everything was perfect.
Really perfect.
You know, the music and the view.
Everything but his proposal.
Maybe he wrote down a beautiful speech
on a small piece of paper...
and lost it.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing,
and not just for me... for him too.
You know, all I wanted...
was for him to want to do it right,
and he didn't.
And that says everything.
You get it.
Do you know
that in the year 2020...
women are gonna outnumber men
four to one?
And you will only have
three childbearing years left.
Anne, talk to him.
Answer the phone.
Here, another dozen roses.
Gee, Jimmie,
like old times again, huh?
Not quite.
Look at you, savoring all of those
wild flings you had as a wolf.
- I'm not savoring.
- At least he's romantic.
When's the last time
you bought Rita flowers?
She's allergic.
Listen, instead of
sending a dozen a day...
just send her
a couple hundred thousand at once.
For all the good it'll do you.
Max, I have him to give me this shit.
From you, I'd just like the flowers.
I'm just telling you,
man to man...
what you said in the Starlight Room
was really bad.
- If you wanna make up with someone...
- Just one second.
Who told you?
What does it matter?
'Cause it's personal, and it's not
a story I want a lot of people knowing.
Who told you
about the Starlight Room?
What, the "shit or get off the pot"
- I heard about it from my dentist.
- Excuse me?
My wife told me that story
last night.
- Son of a bitch insulted Barry White.
- That was a woman singing, you idiot.
My analyst couldn't stop mentioning it.
It's a bunch of crap, if you ask me.
Who was there, you or me?
My best friend's
stepsister's cousin...
was the maitre 'd.
You should know, Jimmie.
Your proposal, it's become
an instant urban legend.
I'd hate to think what happens
if this gets back to my grandfather.
They said he had no pulse,
no brain waves, nothing.
Then he opened his eyes...
sat straight up
and called the doctor a scum-sucker.
After death?
Is that possible?
They said it was a reflex.
How you holding up?
That's funny.
He was a difficult guy. I don't
know anyone that actually liked him.
But he was the only family
I had left.
Jimmie, can I see you a second?
he's with God now.
Any chance you could come
to the office tomorrow morning?
- Yeah. Is anything wrong?
- No, not at all.
As you know, I'm executor
of your grandfather's will.
He videotaped it a few years back.
Very hush-hush.
Guess we oughta take a look.
I'll be there.
Human condi...
Can I have a minute, please?
Thank you.
I'm sorry about your granddad.
These are beautiful.
okay. I just wanted
to tell you I was sorry.
Where are you going?
Gonna go...
water my apartment.
So, where does that leave us?
Let's just say
the door's not closed.
So it's open.
It's ajar.
okay, so I'm at
this mystery door.
What if I push it open?
Can't be pushed.
How about if I knock?
If it's a nice knock,
I might answer.
You can close that door
behind you.
Before I read
my last will and testament...
I just want to make
one or two observations...
to them who whatsoever
should be listening.
I'm now old...
and one day you too
are gonna be old...
and you'll spend
half your time sleepin'...
and the other half eatin'.
That was delicious.
And then you'll die.
Ever the gentleman.
Don't shush me.
- Guys.
- l, James Shannon the first...
What the hell are you doin'?
Who told you to zoom in?
Back off!
oh, for Pete's sake.
I hereby bequeath
my entire estate...
- "Estate".
- to my grandson...
James Shannon the third.
That's a few thousand shares...
and quite a large stake...
in USDA cows.
Yeah, well, that's...
No pun intended.
Thanks to the exemplary eating habits
of my fellow Americans...
my entire net worth today...
is just over...
a hundred million dollars.
That is a pretty hefty piece...
of "boof borgeegnon".
Breathe, fellas.
You want me to rewind?
Do you want me to pause?
A hundred million dollars.
No? Then we'll talk
about the conditions.
What is this, Brewster's Millions?
- Throw 'em at us!
- You and me both!
Keep it down!
Now, you moron.
Now's the time you can come in on me.
Come on!
The conditions are...
that he gets married...
that, to guarantee that the union...
isn't some shabby scam...
he and his wife remain married
for at least ten years...
- Ten years?
- one, zero...
spending no more than
one night apart each month...
and that within five years...
they produce
genetically verifiable offspring!
- I'd like to leave my grandson...
- No way.
with one final thought.
Jimmie boy...
if you don't get married...
before 6:05 p.m....
on your 30th birthday...
that was the time
you came into this world...
you're gonna get cut off...
without a goddamn cent and f...
I think we get the gist.
So when is the wedding?
oh, no.
The night we saw you
at the showroom...
you were on your way to...
The Starlight Room?
That was you?
Yep. That's right.
I defiled the Starlight Room.
And you know what?
I'm glad.
Forget the Starlight Room!
Besides, I am gonna marry Anne.
I just have to reconcile myself
to the idea of marriage, that's all.
Well, you'd better start reconciling.
Your birthday is soon, right? Next week?
No, it's not next week.
Thank God.
It's tomorrow.
It's set. Gluckman got us the licenses
and my Uncle Gus lent me a limo.
Let's get the lady next door.
She can play the organ.
You think it's easy settin' up a wedding
in an hour and a half?
You're lucky the priest at
my grandmother's nursing home was free.
Yeah, well, there are limits.
What kind of dumb bitch
lets Leonardo DiCaprio drown?
What are you babbling about?
She gets a great guy like that
and lets him slip through her fingers.
Natalie, mind your own business.
I'm just thinking out loud.
He probably just tossed her up on
that piece of wood and said, "You win".
There's the priest.
- What do you feel right now?
- Well...
Get over it!
You're marrying the woman you love
and inheriting a fortune.
It's not like you're meeting
the Grim Reaper.
Jimmie Shannon?
I've come for you.
- Bye.
- Hey, what's that smell?
You're wearing his aftershave,
aren't you?
No. It's probably some just left
on the sweater or something.
Right. Yeah.
Have fun at Mom and Dad's.
I'm really sorry that I can't be there
for all the anniversary stuff.
Yeah, I can see
how heartbroken you are.
So, how's my grandmother?
Should I tell her
about the money?
Are you kidding me?
You're thinking of not?
Do you really want to
start your marriage off with a lie?
No, but she's gonna kill me
if I tell her.
Anybody would.
Your call, man.
Give me one of those mints.
You think she's gonna say, "I'm not
marrying you till you brush your teeth?"
It would be a very great honor
to have your hand...
Yes. I will. I do. Whatever.
Is this thing real?
Think she'll say yes?
I don't know. Suddenly
she's gotten really particular.
I can't think why.
Good thing you'll have three weeks
to rehearse.
Three weeks?
Hot assignment in Athens.
She left a half hour ago.
Running looks desperate.
- The heliport!
- Jimmie! You might need the ring.
I'm outta here.
What are you doing?
I tried to call you at the office, but...
Do you have a minute?
Yeah, I've got a minute.
What are you doing?
Anne, would you do me
the great honor of marrying me?
- Would you do me the great honor...
- I heard you. But why now?
Just say yes, all right?
I really, really want you to.
Well, that's definitely
an improvement.
Is that a yes?
What's going on?
Nothing's going on.
I love you.
Yeah, I know that, but what's with
the traveling wedding party?
What's the point of waiting?
Let's just do it. Today. Now.
Right now now?
Trust me.
We gotta seize the moment.
What's important is that I love you
and I want to spend my life with you.
- You're sure?
- Yes.
You're sure
you want to tie the knot?
You're really sure?
You wanna get hitched?
You wanna strap on
the old ball and chain?
Mm-hmm. See, now, there's
the Jimmie Shannon that I know.
Where are you going?
You should've seen
what I just saw.
What did you just see?
A bachelor.
- What are you talking about?
- You're not ready.
of course I'm ready!
I'm standing at a helipad in my tuxedo!
No, you're not ready.
Don't you understand?
I don't know
if you'll ever be ready.
You've won.
What the hell happened?
oh, Jimmie got a look.
A look?
I don't understand.
He was wallowing
in bachelor memories again.
I still don't understand.
It's over. She took
an assignment in Athens.
- I tried to persuade her, but...
- This is bad.
Very bad.
A hundred million dollars bad.
The Shannon legend continues.
The Starlight Room, now the helipad.
Can you show me the look?
Was it...
I don't know,
'cause I didn't see it.
I'm sorry about the money, but
the woman I love just walked out on me.
Maybe forever.
You can't walk away from that money.
You saw that video.
If you don't get married, you're cut off
without a goddamn cent and f...
So I won't get the money.
I've been fine without it so far.
You don't understand.
The will provides that all assets
are to be sold for cash...
including Shannon Billiards.
Can't wait till we're alone.
Welcome onboard Virgin Atlantic Airways
nonstop service to London...
- I love you.
- continuing on to Athens.
our flying time will be
approximately 18 hours.
Will all ground crew
please leave the plane.
Are you saying oden Sports
could buy the company?
I'm telling you
oden Sports will buy the company.
These guys are like locusts.
They buy you out, lay people off
and strip the place clean.
- The plant will be gone within a week.
- We're screwed.
Not necessarily.
You have until just after 6:00
tomorrow night.
That makes, what...
27 hours and change.
Find someone to marry.
Fine. I'll get married
just for you.
Well, I'd be happy to entertain
any better ideas.
I'm not hearing anything.
Hear this.
I found someone to marry.
Not to be callous, Jimmie...
but Anne already
told you "no" twice.
They're right, Jim.
You made the decision
not to tell Anne about the money.
over is over.
Sid and I are seeing
one of your ex's tonight.
She's organizing the fund-raising ball
at the Steinard.
- Buckley?
- Not Buckley.
So it won't be Buckley.
Find someone else.
I'm sorry.
Jobs come and go. Businesses too.
But Anne is...
There's only one Anne.
It's real easy for you three to tell me
to walk away from the woman I love...
but this is my life
we're talking about.
My life.
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
What about their lives?
This time next week
they'll be out of jobs.
over 200 families
without providers.
Women thrown out
in the freezing cold.
Children going to bed
on empty stomachs.
Well, if you're really
gonna close down the plant...
now's the time to do it.
For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
Big 3-0 tomorrow!
Let's go have some cake!
As I recall...
the first ten years of marriage
fly by like no time at all.
I don't want to talk about it.
- What are you doing?
- Cooking.
What are you making?
Is it me?
I mean, am I just really bad
at being proposed to?
It couldn't have been worse
than "you win".
Don't underestimate the guy.
That shithead!
He can't commit.
He can't commit. It's over.
What do you mean, he can't commit?
He's constantly asking you to marry him.
But you're not there when he does it.
You don't see what happens to him.
He completely goes to pieces.
His jaw locks, his eyes get all big,
he starts fidgeting...
and he completely goes
to this other place.
It's like he's not even there!
He's not even there!
I know what you need.
- I'm not going home with you.
- Come on. Please?
It'll be good for you.
Being with them will make whatever
you're going through feel like nothing.
okay. But if they start,
you're taking me out drinking.
Come on, gorilla.
We in Manila.
Come on, gorilla!
This is the thrilla!
Well, well.
Well, this is quite a collection.
Let's land you a trophy wife.
- How about Monique?
- No. Dull.
It's between Stacey and Zoe.
Stacey was terrific, but...
Zoe was always there for me.
Clingy, I think you said.
Forget about "there for you".
Who do you want to spend your life with?
Jimmie Shannon!
Long time no see.
Too long.
You look beautiful.
The hair.
That's new, isn't it?
Said like a true guy.
So, pull up a chair.
- Quiet in your pit today, huh?
- It's the oPEC conference, so we wait.
It's not a great day
for a tour of the exchange.
That's not exactly why I'm here.
This is gonna seem sudden...
but something completely unexpected
came up and I thought about you...
because of...
I've always had great memories
of when we dated.
Me too.
The thing is, my grandfather
passed away last week...
I'm so sorry.
Kuwait walked out!
Buy! Buy!
Fourteen contracts!
Fourteen contracts, right here!
Nineteen bought! Done!
You were saying
about your grandfather.
He left me some money.
A lot, actually.
A hundred million dollars.
Sell it!
But there's a condition.
Size! Size!
Six! Five! Five!
- Up five...
- Here's the deal.
To get the inheritance,
I gotta be married tomorrow.
I know it's sudden,
but are you interested?
She's engaged.
Engaged or married?
- 'Cause if she's only engaged...
- Forget about it.
It ain't happening.
So you'll marry Zoe.
She was always there for you
Can't breathe.
Me either!
oh, I'm so excited.
I can't believe this is happening.
I've waited so long.
What about what's-her-face?
She said no.
oh, I am just so thrilled
that you would think of me next.
oh, my God.
How far down the list am I?
But what does that matter?
I'm here because of
all the wonderful times we had together.
We did have
some pretty magical times.
In between you leaving me every
now and then, saying I was too clingy.
Zoe, I'm sorry.
I just...
If you forgive me now and marry me,
I promise I will never leave you again.
Swear to God that you will
stay by my side always?
It'll just be you and me forever?
Come on, Natalie.
We'll miss the train.
I thought you were Anne.
I'm sorry.
He calls me clingy!
Must be a fire sale.
I can't believe you.
Zoe was a lock. A lock!
only one man would tell a broad she's
third on his list while he's proposing...
Jimmie Shannon!
She burned me in effigy.
Rita bites her nails.
You adjust.
What's this one's name?
Love llana!
Cute, funny.
A bit theatrical, but she'll do.
Hey, if you happen to see Anne again,
just remember...
she's on a plane to Athens.
Hey, not your shade of green, jerk-off?
Come on! What am I doin' here?
The Napa Express
is in the station...
and continuing on to Redding
and Portland, oregon.
The Napa Express is departing
immediately at 7:23.
All aboard!
What are you doing?
I'm documenting my first day
of being single.
- Great, because we just missed our cab.
- You know, I'm really lucky.
I came that close to making
the biggest mistake of my life.
That close.
That close.
Come on and tell
the nice cab man.
- I thought you said she was dying.
- She is dying.
Encore! Encore!
- Keep the change.
- From a 20?
- Wasn't that a four-dollar cab ride?
- The poor guy had to listen to you.
You think he went to work thinking, "l
hope I find out about Anne and Jimmie".
I'm sorry.
I'm stopping. I'm stopping!
Not another word out of me
about Jimmie.
But let's not talk about this
with them.
- 'Cause I just...
- Please, God, make it stop.
- Happy anniversary!
- Thank you.
I'll get the bags.
Dale, missing you already.
okay, how can I say this
If you hadn't walked in here just now,
I'd have forgotten you even existed.
I mean, Joey,
you strut onto my stage...
and dangle money in front of my face
like I'm gonna swoon...
when all I even remember about you
is we screwed a couple of times.
And I recall thinking
you look nice with your shirt off.
But then again, so do I.
These are completely bent.
These suck.
- She didn't remember you, huh?
- She did. Vaguely.
oh, vaguely, that's good.
I tell you, man,
what goes around, comes around.
- I have no idea what you mean by that.
- Yeah, right.
oh, it's my fault some girl
I hooked up with a few years back...
isn't chomping at the bit
to marry me.
What goes around, comes around.
All right, man, come on.
We need a name and a number.
oh, yeah,
the eternal student.
The kids'll be bright. They'll have
no friends, but they'll be bright.
I bet you've never even considered
the symbolism of a traditional wedding.
Give me a break, Carolyn.
I was an Econ major.
Then it's right up your alley,
because that's what it is.
It is a ritualized
property transfer.
Father-slash-seller arrives
with daughter-slash-property...
who's wearing a white dress to guarantee
the merchandise is, you know, unspoiled.
A religious figure
sanctifies the sale...
and daughter-property
becomes wife-property.
It's beautiful, really.
It's precious.
Look, this man-slash-potential groom
doesn't have the time-slash-energy...
to put up with this feminist-slash-
pseudopsychological bullshit.
Yes or no?
Glad to see you still got balls.
I don't believe in marriage.
Neither do I.
That's the beauty of this offer.
It's a marriage for people
who don't believe in marriage.
Your outlook, Jimmie,
is so totally patriarchal...
right down to these roses, which are
the classic male overture to seduction.
I always thought of them as flowers.
They certainly smell like flowers.
No, it's symbolism. They just
happen to be the plant's vagina.
- Come on!
- It's true!
That symbolism
is the reason men give flowers.
Why would a man
give a woman a symbolic vagina?
Why wouldn't he?
It just happens to signal
that his intentions go beyond platonic.
It lets her know
what he ultimately wants.
Carolyn, I'm not interested
in your goddamn vagina, all right?
I just wanna marry you!
So, thinking ahead,
if Daphne says no, who do we go for?
Be serious. We need Daphne.
I mean, who's left, Monique?
We need Daphne, all right?
Monique is dull.
Her life is eggplants
and bean sprouts...
lettuce, Brussels sprouts,
This is so exciting.
- No peeking!
- oh, well, all right.
No peeking?
All right, there. okay.
Go ahead. open the box.
- I can't!
- Yes, you can!
- open the box.
- open it!
All right.
It's so beautiful!
You're so beautiful.
That's why people
don't go out with you.
Wait. I have to go
to the bathroom.
Don't be too long.
I'll be back as quick as I can.
Missing you already!
Natalie and I were talking about
going to get a drink, if that's okay.
okay? You kidding?
Your mother and I have got plenty
to keep ourselves amused.
- Drink?
- Drink.
Move aside.
Through here.
Come on.
I got him from here.
Get him the hell into cell six,
and nobody talks to him but me.
You got it.
Hey, hey, hey! You think I'm playing
some kind of game with you?
I don't play good cop-bad cop.
It requires too much patience.
I go straight to bad cop, worse cop.
- Now behave!
- You heard the lady. Move it!
- I see you're still enjoying your job.
- Yeah.
You look great.
- You lose some weight?
- Get that guy!
Stay down, ya stinkin' mope, before
I hammer your nuts up to your tonsils!
Twelve pounds. Can ya tell?
- Would you relax?
- Relax? Let me get this straight.
You're saying,
take this money...
and give up any chance of ever
finding true and meaningful love?
I'm only kind of saying that.
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with you?
Don't you want to marry
someone you love?
Unfortunately, for me, at this point,
that is not an option.
Well, fortunately,
for me, it is.
I've always had this dream that I'd open
up my own restaurant and have this...
You don't want to hear about this.
I'd definitely like
to hear about this.
It'd be more than a restaurant.
It'd be more like
a new approach to food.
Take salad. People hear "salad,"
and they think lettuce, right?
And usually iceberg lettuce,
especially Americans.
They don't realize all the different
varieties and kinds of lettuce...
and all the things
that can be done...
Brussels sprouts.
People go through their day
kind of blah.
But if they really
stopped and looked...
they'd realize that the Brussels sprout
is more than another green vegetable.
What it really is...
How could you strike out six times?
It hasn't been pretty.
on the last one he says he blanked.
You mentioned the money?
That's what happened, all right?
I just lost my ability
to carry on a conversation.
You used to date her!
So what do you want me to do,
mime the proposal?
- Yes!
- And you mentioned the money?
What in hell kind of women
are these?
Enough! All right?
Where is she?
okay, crunch time.
Seventh game of the World Series.
Bottom of the ninth,
two outs, full count.
This is our last chance.
There's no tomorrow. Got it?
Four clichs ago.
237 jobs, man, huh?
Just give me
the damn symbolic vaginas.
You are sick!
Nice to see you, Buckley.
- You didn't have to.
- Well, I wanted to.
Truth is, ever since
we stopped dating...
well, I've thought
about you a lot.
And what have you been thinking?
Well, I've been thinking that
of all the women I've dated...
you are without question...
most poised.
I'm sure you're right.
Yeah, and lately I've...
realized I could use
more poise in my life.
What are you doing?
You must wonder
what we're doing here.
Roy o'Dell told me
all about your grandfather's will.
- I'll marry you.
- You will?
Just like that?
The Hale-Winter
family situation is eroding.
We could use an infusion.
Sacrifices must be made.
Get up.
okay. oh, my goodness.
This is fun!
I'd forgotten how much fun
this can be!
It took you 22 San Miguels
to realize that?
Really nice guys, huh?
Viable choices.
- Can I cut in?
- Yeah, cut in. Hi.
oh, God.
How come Mom and Dad
like each other so much?
I know.
It's hard to take,
but it would be really...
- It would be really nice to have.
- Yeah.
For those of us
who don't already have it.
- Where's Marco?
- He went to pick up Buckley's dress.
It's been on standby since the family
Picassos went up for auction.
one hundred million dollars.
one hundred million dollars.
one, zero, zero, million dollars.
Ten times ten million dollars.
one hundred million dollars.
Now, kid, just remember...
Buckley can be very loving.
Father, would you zip me, please?
okay. I'm ready.
- Assembled mourners...
- Wrong service, Father.
Is it?
one hundred million dollars.
Dearest, any chance
you could say that silently?
one hundred...
Why don't we skip the pet names?
This is a business arrangement,
pure and simple.
It's a little more than that. We'll
be spending a lot of time together.
I don't see why. You'll keep your place
in the city. I'll stay in Marin.
We'll see each other
when we absolutely need to.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...
I'm sorry, Father. Roy, what did you
tell her about the will's provisions?
I don't recall my exact words.
We can only spend
one night apart a month.
one night together a month.
- Pardon me.
- Nice job.
Does the will require
that we sleep in the same bed...
or would, say,
twin beds create a problem?
None at all.
opposite wings
in an enormous manor?
As long as you're
under the same roof.
Continue, please, Father.
Don't worry. We'll adjust.
That will hardly be necessary. Three
years will be over before we know it.
- Go ahead.
- oh, Lord.
- Three?
- Go on.
- To join these people in matrimony.
- Excuse me, Father.
I may have misspoken.
The marriage has to last longer.
- Ten years.
- A decade?
Pardon me.
And in ten years, I go free?
Free as a bird.
- With my half of the estate?
- Yes.
And I can live anywhere
and with anyone I want?
If you choose, you can leave
the children and move to Afghanistan.
- Do you, Jimmie...
- Children?
Don't worry.
You have five years.
Take this Buckley...
one hundred million dollars.
Children within five years.
one hundred million dollars.
Children within five years.
one kid! That's all!
Do like the English! As soon as he can
crawl, ship him off to boarding school.
You can have an epidural!
Roy, let's go!
I've got to fill out
some paperwork.
What paperwork?
What are you talking about?
Freeze the company's accounts
to prepare it for sale.
You're cuttin' us off
without a goddamn dime!
You think I want to?
We won't get paid without that money.
I'll lose my home.
So if I act illegally,
I'll lose mine!
You have three homes!
I'm a lawyer.
There's still 17 hours, all right?
Let's not panic.
I'll think of someone.
You better. We've got
our backs to the wall.
Time for desperate measures.
What about my daughter?
- Absolutely not.
- Why not?
- She isn't good enough for you?
- She's 15!
It's pretty late in the game
for you to be Mr. Choosy.
Give me a lift home.
I'm too disgusted to drive.
From now on,
we're only dating divorcs.
'Cause we'll know
they're already ready.
Right. or widowers then.
Can't forget the widowers.
If only Jimmie had
one dead wife, right?
- Then he'd be ready.
- or two.
- Imagine if he had two, boy.
- Yeah, then you guys would be married.
Do you think he'll call?
He doesn't even know
you're here.
Yeah, that's right.
Can you imagine Jimmie
at that salsa club tonight?
oh, my God. Trying to do
that Rico Suave dip move.
oh, my gosh.
The Riverdancer he's not.
Always kicks me in the shins
and he scrunches my toes.
That would have been hysterical
to watch him try.
- Call him.
- What do you mean, "call him"?
okay, what do I say?
That you love him and
you'll keep seeing each other...
as long as he doesn't propose.
That's it! That is it!
- Calm down.
- The sun!
The sun! It's rising!
Just sit down, all right? The
important thing is to find me a bride.
- I'm thinking here.
- You're thinkin'?
Well, zippity-doo-dah!
Hey, he's thinkin'!
I hear the flowers
bursting into song.
Hey, listen. one moment, sir.
The wheels are turning.
Ah, yes, proof positive
indeed that there is a God.
You know why? Because my friend has
finally experienced brain activity!
Hey, let's hear
what he has to say.
- Pray, do tell.
- It's not them. It's me.
They can see it in my face,
just like Anne.
They know I don't
want to get married.
That's it.
- Where you goin'?
- To get you a wife.
You think I'm gonna sit back
and let you pick my wife?
- It's our only hope!
- What is that supposed to mean?
You know how many times
you've proposed now? Ten!
No, nine,
and that includes Anne.
Excuse me! Ten!
What am I supposed to do,
just wait here?
Just be at Saint Peter and Paul Church
at 5:00. I'll have someone.
Don't forget the priest,
and happy birthday.
He's still not there!
- Leave a message on the answer machine.
- It's not picking up!
The next train doesn't
leave until 1:15.
You're kidding!
Well, let's go anyway.
So much for sleeping.
What time did you say
we can get into that church?
That gives us hours.
You got any ideas?
They all make it look so easy.
- Been a long night, huh?
- No kidding.
It's grueling out there.
You definitely made the right decision
as far as the whole celibacy thing.
I believe we were put here
to love and cherish one another.
Sharing your life with someone
you love is a blessing.
Somebody very wise
taught me that.
- Jesus?
- My wife.
You're married?
I was happily married
for 26 years.
I only put on this collar
when my wife died.
I'm the father of four
and the grandfather of ten.
A priest with grandchildren.
That's the youngest.
Took his first steps last Tuesday.
Getting married was
one of the best things I ever did.
It's a wonderful thing
as time goes by...
to be with someone who looks
into your face when you've gotten old...
and still sees what you think
you look like.
The first time
Ever I saw your face
I thought the sun
Rose in your eye
Welcome to the other side?
Best thing you ever did, huh?
- Hello?
- Who's this?
- Who's this?
- It's Anne.
oh, Anne, it's Rita.
Hey, Mr. All-nighter,
it's Anne looking for Jimmie.
How's Greece?
oh, hi, Marco.
Where's Jimmie?
He's not home?
We were out, you know, boy stuff.
And you ended up with his phone?
What did you do to him?
Take it easy. You goin' to Athens
nearly cost me my job...
not to mention, breakin' his heart.
Well, I didn't go.
I didn't go. I never went.
I'm here in Mendocino with...
Yeah, okay. With Natalie.
We're taking the 1:15 home.
So can you find Jimmie
and will you...
Well, find Jimmie
and just tell him...
that I really, really
want to see him for dinner, okay?
- Yeah.
- okay, thanks.
So this is where
I'm going to tie the knot.
Me and Marco's mystery bride.
Why don't you try
to get some sleep?
If I shut my eyes,
I'll want to sleep forever.
You got about three hours.
Here. Hold on. Here.
Maybe when you wake up...
the world will look
a lot different.
So, they get in at 5:50.
Which leaves us only 15 minutes to get
to the church and get them married.
Tight, but doable.
Does she know about last night?
Like I'm gonna tell her.
That's Jimmie's problem.
If he had had more balls
in the first place...
The thing is, he's not home
and I have his cell phone.
- Have you heard from him?
- Not a word.
Good news, darlin'.
You're off the hook.
I guess the only thing
is to get to the church.
There will be some disappointed brides
there, but they'll get over it.
- "Some"?
- Half a dozen, a dozen tops.
I put an ad in the classifieds.
Very good thinkin'.
Thanks. It cost me some bucks.
Plus I had to send them a picture.
For the classified?
"Would you marry this man for 100..."
What? What is this?
- Read it!
- Did you see this?
No way! Come on!
What time is it?
I got ten to 5:00.
Who said you could speak, asshole?
This is not my fault!
I only put an ad in the classifieds.
Maybe we could sue.
Shut up! Shut up! I swear I'll break
your scrawny neck with my bare hands!
According to him,
who better remain silent...
Anne will be here by 6:00
at the latest.
We got five minutes
for a wedding service.
If we keep the church,
we're golden.
What the hell?
oh, poor Jimmie.
Get off my train!
Hello, handsome.
Well, hello there!
Let's get the hell out of here, huh?
I got my bike outside.
Don't even think about it.
- Let go, freak!
- "Freak"?
- He's mine, you hippo!
- In your dreams!
Take it easy!
oh, damn! Johnnie, pick me!
I'll make you so happy!
- It was like you were dead in heaven.
- It's Jimmie!
You're my last chance,
my last chance.
Princeton University,
the same college as Brooke Shields.
He didn't say nothin' in the paper
about education. Is that important?
Yes, you have to tell us
how you're choosing.
Yeah, we need criteria.
Fair is fair, honey! Come on!
Give us criteria.
Criteria! Criteria!
Calm down! Calm down!
Please, calm down! Look!
My criteria are...
you know, the same as any man's.
Answer the damn question!
This is a difficult situation.
I'm not gonna rush through it
and risk hurting people's feelings.
He was firm!
I love that in a man!
- And yet somehow, still sensitive.
- oh, shut up.
- Is religion a criteria?
- Absolutely not.
How about education?
Is that a criterion?
I suppose some college
would be a plus.
- College?
- A plus, but not a requirement.
How about English?
She has to speak English.
I'm sorry.
I gotta draw the line somewhere.
How's about looks?
Yeah, looks!
That's a hard question...
because, as you know,
physical attraction is...
It's a chemistry thing, really.
What she means is, should we clear out
and leave you with the skinny blonds?
I didn't say that.
But we are talking about
weight limit, aren't we?
- Well...
- How much?
What's the weight criteria?
Right on, sister.
- I don't know.
- What's your cutoff?
- 150?
- 150!
You don't get a set like these
at 150!
Why don't you just say
skinny blonds and get it over with?
Skinny blonds with big jugs!
Don't put that clich on me.
You just said the criteria
were the same as most other men.
Most other men like blonds.
It's a simple syllogism.
- But even so...
- Hey!
Do you like blonds?
I'm not gonna say
I don't like blonds!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Ladies and ladies.
As the priest of this church, I feel
it is my holy duty to inform you...
that this man has no money and has
no intention of marrying any of you.
The whole thing was a prank.
It went a little too far.
Anyway, if we could clear out
the church as quickly as possible...
we have to make way
for a real wedding.
Go in peace.
Not true!
He's lying, all right?
Who are we supposed to believe,
you or a priest?
Yeah, what you think? You think
you're some kind of comedian?
Gettin' us all excited and dressed up
just so you can slap us in the face?
I don't think so.
Excuse me, baby.
I don't want to get rowdy
up in this church, but I will.
Now, somebody gettin' married
up in here today, and it better be me.
You're all alike.
You lead us on, then won't commit.
Is that how you get your kicks,
playing with women's hopes and dreams?
Thank God I'm bisexual.
Here comes the bride!
Take it easy! Geez!
Come here!
I'm wondering, since I wake up
in a church full of brides...
what is my face doing
on the front page of the paper?
- Answer?
- Anne's here, or will be!
Get back, you animals!
- Her train arrives in 40 minutes!
- Cut the crap!
There's no direct trains
from Athens to San Francisco.
- It's true.
- She wants to have dinner with you.
From now on we do it
my way, all right? Agreed?
- Agreed!
- All right!
All right. I'm too excited to think!
What do we do?
We obviously can't have a wedding
in a church infested with brides.
Can you get to the station?
- In 40 minutes?
- Yes! Thank you.
Guys, I'm leaving you to take care
of this mob. Don't let me down.
Crazy broads!
That will be $400.
I'll give you double if you can
have it at the station in half an hour.
A customer gets
what a customer wants.
Hey! Drop back!
- Ladies!
- Let's get him!
There he is!
I'll squash you
with my bare hands!
Take me to the station
as fast as you can!
You'll be delighted to hear
we're arriving five minutes early.
oh, my God.
You're not gonna like this.
The northbound City of Seattle is
ready for boarding on track number 16.
Ladies and gentlemen, train 623...
has arrived at 5:49
on track number two.
The express in the station at 5:49,
track number two.
Do you have a second?
I just gotta say something to you.
You're not going to
propose again, are you?
You just really wouldn't want to let
a girl down for a third time.
I know, but today I was at
the Palace of Fine Arts, all right?
I was on the lake with this priest.
It was really romantic.
We were there a couple
of years ago, remember?
Suddenly I had this image of your hair
going into your eye...
and I remember I pulled it back
and there was this freckle.
Have you been crying?
Damn it!
This has been the worst day
of my life.
You obviously know about the money. What
you don't know is that I had to do it.
I would have been responsible
for closing down the whole company.
I don't even know if you know
I'm not married, which I'm not...
but I want to be.
- Would you please say something?
- Why didn't you tell me?
I guess I didn't trust you
to believe me...
that I wanted to marry you first...
and that the money was like
a really big wedding gift.
I've spent the whole night asking
every woman in the world to marry me.
"Every woman"?
You asked Buckley?
Every one but the one I want.
What was that that you were
saying about my freckle?
It's still there.
If you want to walk away,
I understand...
but I really got to tell you this.
Today I realized that the only thing
really special about me is you.
I can spend my whole life,
scared and alone...
rowing around with some priest...
or I could tell you
how much I love you...
that you make me so happy...
and if it takes our whole married life
to make it up to you...
I would be so honored
just to have that chance.
I just want to be with you.
oh, my God.
Now that was a proposal.
We gotta go. We gotta go.
Father! Stay with him!
We'll get Anne! Come on, Roy!
Yeah, leave it
to Abbott and Costello!
Where'd you get this?
Some preppy girl threw it over the
staircase and ran off with another girl.
Eleven minutes to spare.
Not bad, huh?
What do you mean?
Where's Anne?
With Natalie, changing.
You look stunning.
I do?
Yeah, okay,
maybe you're right. I do.
Missing you already.
Come on!
Where's Jimmie?
Get back here!
Take it like a man!
Come on!
Jiminy Christmas!
- Where's the priest?
- You lost the priest?
Move it, fat boy!
Move away from the vehicle.
Excuse me.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered today...
to join two people
in holy matrimony.
If you can hear this,
give us a nod.
Is Anne out there?
I can't see her!
I'm right here, Father!
We are gathered here in the sight of
God and the presence of this company...
to join Jimmie and Anne
in holy matrimony.
The union of husband and...
Never mind.
Do you take this Anne
to have and to hold?
For richer, for poorer?
In sickness and in health,
forsaking all others...
as long as you both shall live?
I do.
I do!
I thought you would.
Do you take this Jimmie
to have and to hold?
For better or for worse?
For richer, for poorer?
In sickness and in health,
forsaking all others...
- Excuse me.
- for as long as you both shall live?
I do!
I do.
- Anne, I can't hear you!
- I do!
Shut up!
oh, my gosh.
How beautiful.
oh, how beautiful.
Listen, can I talk to you
for just a second?
I've been proposed to
really badly a lot...
and then proposed to...
pretty great, actually.
And, well, Jimmie...
he's not perfect...
but I love him.
And, well, he loves me.
So I think that
he should be my husband.
There's my cake.
So could this...
Could this please be my day?
And now, by the power
vested in me by God...
I pronounce you husband and wife.
Cake for everybody!
Who wants cake?
Here you go, sweetheart.
Have some cake.
There we go. Here we go.
Here you go, sweetheart.
Have some cake.
Throw the bouquet!
Throw the bouquet!
Throw it!