The Back-up Plan (2010) Movie Script

I can't believe
I didn't get a pedicure for this.
How embarrassing. Look at that.
If I were with a real guy doing this,
I would've gotten a pedicure.
And a wax.
Oh, shit, that one's worse.
- Sorry I didn't get a pedicure.
- What?
My toes.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm not looking at your toes.
- I'm looking at your cervix.
- Right.
Now I kind of wish
you were looking at my toes.
- All done.
- That's it?
We'll elevate your legs for
10 minutes and you'll be good to go.
First time I hear that ticking clock
and I'm not freaking out.
- Good. Just relax.
- I can't. I'm totally freaking out.
Come on.
Everything's gonna be great.
I have a feeling that you and...
...CRM-1014 are gonna
make beautiful babies together.
Yeah. Thank you.
Oh, God, I hope this works.
I've wanted this for so long.
Maybe this isn't how
I pictured it exactly.
Thought I'd have
a little more support.
- No! You don't want kids. Trust me.
- Easy for you to say. You have four.
- And it's awful. They've ruined my life!
- Hi, munchkins.
What? No! Go away!
Have you seen my vagina?
I mean, have you?
Because I would show it to you.
I will show it to you just to prove...
...that you don't want to have kids.
I will show you my vagina.
I don't want to see that.
I want a baby.
I think you're tired of being alone.
Haven't met the right guy.
Not about a guy. I've dated hundreds
of guys over the past five years.
Not one of them's close
to being the one.
It's just not happening for me.
- Yeah, but doesn't mean that it won't.
- Doesn't mean that it will.
Is that my chicken?
What are you doing?
Give it back!
That is your dinner, not a toy!
I hate them. Do you smell pee?
So, I had to figure it out on my own.
I examined every possibility and
arrived at the most logical conclusion.
Will you be my baby-daddy?
What? No, I can't be the father.
Are you out of your mind?
What are you talking...?
No. I am in my sexual prime.
I have more women to bed before I do
something as idiotic as having a baby.
Clive, you're my friend.
Don't you want to help me?
We don't have to have sex.
You don't have to be involved at all.
All right? Just give me your sperm.
Okay. Okay,
you're feeling lonely, right?
Maybe a little dead down there.
I get it, I get it. Been a long time
since you've had, you know.
Just shut up, okay?
- Just forget it. Forget the whole thing!
- What?
Well, that was a bust.
So I took life by the horns...
...and I did what I had to do.
It's gonna be okay.
I have a plan.
- You don't have to walk like that.
- What? Oh, okay.
By the way, I know an excellent
support group for single moms...
...if you're interested.
- Great. Great.
Maybe we should hug. We might
have just made a baby together.
- Good luck.
- Okay. All right.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi!
- Get away from me!
Excuse me. This is my cab.
- What, you own it?
- No, but I'm about to rent it.
If someone hails a cab and it pulls up,
you can't jump in and say it's yours.
- I didn't see you.
- I saw you see me.
Sir. Sir, excuse me.
Who saw you first?
Look, maybe you're not
from around here, but there's a code.
- Certain rules that we try to follow.
- Fine! Forget it. I'll get out.
You're not right, but I'm in
a terrific mood and you're ruining it.
No, I'll get out.
- Now what?
- I don't know. You tell me.
- Hey, hey!
- Where's he going? Come back!
Well, that was stupid.
Why'd you get out, you stupid-head?
You said you were in a great mood
and I was ruining it. I felt bad.
I'm sorry,
did you just call me a stupid-head?
How's your great mood now?
Please, stop talking to me.
So why are you in
such a good mood anyway?
Not that it's your business,
but good things are happening to me.
Wow, that's great.
I hope it continues.
Well, have a nice life.
And try not to steal any more cabs.
Yeah, you do the same.
Hey, there's a penny right there.
Why don't you pick it up?
It's good luck.
Only if it's heads.
Now somebody else
can have good luck. Bye.
Thank you for coming to
Hudson Mutts.
Hi, Nutsy!
Oh, my God. You're glowing.
- Hello.
- Oh, my God. She's glowing, right?
- Tell us everything.
- Not much to tell.
You got shot up with red-headed
freckle sperm.
There's something to tell.
He had red hair and freckles?
Why'd you do that?
- Tried to talk her out of it.
- Red pubes.
Never saw his pubes.
It was a vial of semen.
So come on, what happened?
I lay down,
put my feet over my head.
Five minutes later, it was over.
I barely felt a thing.
So basically,
it was like having sex with Clive.
- You wish.
- I'll be in the back, legs over my head.
- Red hair and freckles!
- You had your chance!
- What?
- I don't know. It's just weird.
Who is this guy
she was with anyway?
She wasn't actually with him.
Yeah, but I still want to kick his ass.
Is that wrong?
You're stupid.
Okay, all right.
Welcome to
Single Mothers and Proud.
As the name suggests,
we are all single, mothers...
...and proud.
Hey, all right.
Okay. Some of us have adopted.
Some of us have conceived
with a donor.
Every story is different, but
with the same common denominator.
We wanted a child,
and we made it happen on our own.
We sure did. We sure did.
Are you already a single mother
or are you trying to become one?
Oh, I was just inseminated
a few days ago.
Inseminated. Makes me feel
like a cow or something.
Well, we do what we have to do
when we don't have a penis partner.
- That's right.
- So let's hear about you.
Oh, okay. Let's see.
Well, I own a pet store.
Yeah. I used to work in the corporate
world, which was great for a while...
...but it just didn't feel like the life
that I wanted to live.
So now I'm happy on the work front,
but you know.
I don't know.
Even though I have more balance...'s personal.
I still haven't found "the one,"
so that's why I'm...
Well, the elusive one.
- Good luck.
- Yeah, right.
If I had a dollar for every time
I heard that.
I thought I'd be married with kids
by now...
...but that's just not happening... I guess it's time for
my backup plan. So...
Well, Zoe, listen.
If you really want a baby...
...we here at
Single Mothers and Proud...
...can be your partners.
From inception to graduation,
everything in between.
We can be here for you.
Thank you.
Dakota was born right here.
In this very room.
- Right where you're sitting, actually.
- Really?
Right here?
Imagine that. Funny.
So how old is your baby now?
I'm 3.
So cute.
Why do you need a support group?
- You're not very supportive.
- What?
You just told me that if
I breast-feed... girls are gonna wind up
looking like empty tube socks.
Hey, I'm just being honest.
Don't even get me started on
what childbirth does to your bladder.
What does it do to your bladder?
I think I just peed a little bit.
I don't think I'm pregnant anyway.
Doctor says it takes a few tries.
Something about frozen sperm
being lazy.
Oh, come with me for a minute.
I have to make some muffins for some
bullshit teacher-appreciation day.
- You're gonna make muffins?
- Oh, hell, no.
But there's a place here
that sells them.
I pick out the worst ones
and I pretend I made them.
Come on.
Okay, which is the ugliest?
Seems like a lot of trouble
for something trivial.
Welcome to motherhood.
- There's that guy.
- What guy?
The one selling cheese. I know him.
He's hot.
- He sells cheese?
- You sell hamsters.
- Can I help you ladies?
- No. We're good, thank you.
Like what you see?
- What?
- Just talking about the muffins.
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
Hi. What a nice surprise.
How did you know I worked here?
I didn't.
Oh, okay.
Did you follow me here?
Follow you?
To the farmers' market?
Are you kidding me?
No, we came to buy muffins.
You were here. Tell him.
You better buy something.
You ate all my samples.
Well, it's really nice to see you,
but I never got your name. I'm Stan.
- Oh, Zoe.
- Zoe.
I'm Mona. So how do you two
not know each other?
- He stole my cab.
- She stole my cab.
We should go.
- We should?
- Yeah, we have that important thing.
Can your thing wait
just a few minutes?
I'll give you a taste of my cheese.
I can rephrase that.
Okay. This is our basic chvre.
Probably our best seller and the
cheese that started it all, as they say.
These are our surface-ripened
cheeses. These are fantastic.
And these are the aged
raw-milk cheeses. Now...
This is really boring, isn't it?
- No.
- Yes.
This is Louie. He works for me.
- Hi.
- Hi. Zoe.
- Zoe.
- Mona.
- Can I give you a sample box?
- Oh, yeah.
- I'm okay.
- We're okay.
You're not lactose intolerant,
are you? I hate that.
Hey. You're still coming over tonight,
Yeah. Yeah.
We should go.
- Are you ready?
- I want a sample box.
Okay. Well, I gotta go. Bye.
- You said free sample box, right?
- Yes.
- Free? Okay.
- Absolutely.
In that case...
Okay, spill it.
Who is he, what does he do... do we know him?
- Who?
Stan from the farmers' market.
He's called twice already.
I'm gonna kill Mona.
Is he a farmer?
- He makes cheese.
- He's a Pilgrim?
Mona said his feta was incredible.
That makes so much
more sense now.
Who is this guy?
He's nobody. He's just some guy.
- Are you blushing?
- You're totally blushing.
Can we calm down,
get ready for the book signing?
- No.
- This is exciting.
I'm not calming down.
He's nobody. And even if
he was somebody, it doesn't matter...
...because I don't want
to be with anybody. Okay?
So let's just get back to work.
- Finding a relationship is work.
- I don't want a relationship.
Well, it is.
Yo, taxi.
So dogs have
an ingrained pack mentality.
If we don't assert leadership
over our dogs...
...our dogs are going to show...
...unstable behavior
or dominant behavior.
In other words, in the dog world...
...who you are is stable or
unstable energy, leader or a follower.
So when a dog introduces himself
to another dog, what do they do?
When a human wants to meet a dog:
"Oh, my God, he's so..."
So I mean, it's like, poor dog,
you know?
And so they're interacting based
on energy and also the nose...
Okay. Now this is getting weird.
I know. We keep running into
each other. It's crazy.
So your being here
is just another coincidence?
- Oh, no. I love this guy.
- Don't you have someplace... be tonight?
- Not till later.
Do you even have a dog?
No. But I might get one
now that I can "be the pack leader."
The dogs would just shake it.
"Do you want to play again?"
- I'm really busy here.
- You have a boyfriend.
- Just tell me. I can take it.
- No.
You just know
you're not interested in me?
You're making a big mistake.
I'm very interesting.
I'm just not interested in men
right now, okay?
- Oh, you're gay?
- I'm not gay.
- Quiet.
- Hey, you two.
Would you please take it outside?
- Sorry.
- Okay, sorry about that.
- That was awkward.
- Yeah.
This is not a good time for me, okay?
I'm going through some changes.
Menopause? Seriously?
How old do you think I am?
Let's start over.
The more I think about it,
we'd never make it as a couple.
You're too skeptical.
We should be friends.
- I have enough friends.
- You can never have too many.
- What you doing tonight?
- Getting takeout, going to bed.
Clearly, you don't have
that many friends.
Okay, here's my proposition.
Don't freak out.
It requires very little commitment.
I'm getting takeout too. Let's walk
together to the same place...
...order and pay for our own respective
meals, and then we'll say goodbye.
Where do you want to go?
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
No fair. You chose this place
because it takes like two seconds.
No, I chose it because it's the best.
I want to see you take a bite of that.
I don't believe you're gonna eat it.
There. Happy now?
You have no idea how good this is.
Lived in New York your whole life,
never gone to Gray's Papaya.
- What's wrong with you?
- I haven't lived here my whole life.
We moved out of the city
when my parents bought the farm.
No, not died. They actually bought
a farm and we moved upstate.
They retired to Phoenix five years
ago, and I run the place now.
What about your family?
Actually, my parents died
when I was young.
It's just me
and my grandmother now.
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
- It's okay. It was a long time ago.
Look, I really have to go.
All right. But I can't let you
walk home alone...
...because this is
a very dangerous neighborhood.
What school did you go to?
Well, I kind of dropped out.
I met this Swedish girl
during my semester abroad and...
Let me guess.
You fell in love and got married.
- And started an inn in Vermont.
- Of course.
It lasted like three seconds.
I didn't know how to run an inn.
And she didn't know how not to sleep
with everyone who worked there... we got divorced.
Yeah, she took everything.
I had to move back in with
my parents, work myself out of debt...
...and figure out how not to blame
every woman on the planet...
...for Ana's whorish ways.
- How's that going?
- Not so good.
Okay, I want to know everything.
First kiss?
Some jerk with a dirt bike
and chapped lips.
Seventh grade. She wore braces
and headgear. It was terrifying.
Hey. Look.
- Here's one for you.
- That's weird.
Okay, best kiss?
That's a tough one.
Because if we weren't just friends,
I'd kiss you right now.
Then I'd be your best kiss.
How do you know?
I know.
Is someone looking for you?
Yeah. I have to go.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye. I'll call you.
- You think it was the muffin girl?
- I guess. I don't know.
Why do I even care?
You like him!
Oh, God. What if I'm pregnant?
- Then it'll work out perfectly.
- What do you mean?
Because if you really like him,
as soon as that happens...'ll break up with him,
because you're pregnant.
You won't have to put
yourself out there, possibly get hurt.
Hey, that's your dream.
Be quiet.
Besides, I'm not pregnant.
And I'm okay on my own.
Are you gonna see him again?
Yeah, I think so.
Not gonna happen, Nutsy.
Oh, Stan.
Go away.
Stop it! You're making me nervous.
You're early. I'll be a minute, okay?
Three to five minutes, actually.
- You want a beer?
- Yeah, sure. You want one?
- I'll let you know.
- Okay.
Oh, my God. Is he okay?
He's fine. Happens all the time.
- I'm sorry. Can you give me a minute?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, good.
Damn it, Nuts.
Give me that. Give it to me.
Let go.
Let go right now!
- Zoe, everything okay?
- Yeah.
You know, just showing him
who's the pack leader.
You idiot!
You better not swallow that thing.
Give it to me. Nutsy.
Open. Open.
- You look really pretty tonight.
- Thank you.
I mean, you always look really pretty,
but tonight you look especially pretty.
And that dress is...
It's really something.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Did you buy a new dress
for our date tonight?
- Don't flatter yourself.
- I'll take that as a yes.
- I guess you'll never know.
- I guess not.
- Except you left the price tag on.
- What?
Allow me.
I got it.
I've had this dress for a long time.
It's just I haven't worn it yet... that's why the tag was still on.
You're not that special.
Look at this place.
- I don't know what to say.
- Finally.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- It means, "Good, don't say anything."
You don't have to say anything.
Just come over here, sit down.
- What, you think I talk too much?
- I did not say that.
- What did you say?
- Just you're very quick.
You always have a response
for things, which I like.
But tonight, just, you know,
be surprised.
You're good.
You worked for an Internet
company? I don't see that at all.
I was very important.
You would've been impressed.
How did you get the pet store?
Actually, it was through my dog,
I bought him at this fancy pet store
near my house.
Cutest puppy you have ever seen.
Six months later, he almost dies.
Turns out he was from
one of those puppy mills...
...where dogs are so inbred,
he was kind of falling apart.
What did you do?
Did you sue them?
I thought about it. Then I thought:
"What good would that do?
They'll still sell inbred dogs."
So I quit my job...
...and I took the stock-option money
over to the pet store...
...and I bought it.
I know how to milk a goat.
Does that do anything for you?
No, not really.
Can I ask you a serious question,
Did you buy that dress
to wear for me tonight?
I will never tell.
Really? Because...
...I have ways of making you talk.
- Let me get that. Let me get that.
- My dress! I got it.
There's a hose over there
behind the fence.
You see it? Get the hose.
- Okay, this is war.
- What? No!
Okay, hand it over. Hand it over!
- It was mean.
- You weren't even pointing at the fire.
- You just soaked me.
- You were pointing at my face.
But I wasn't trying to soak you.
I swear!
Oh, whatever!
I looked into your eyes...
...and I saw you had this crazy look,
like a crazy person.
- That's not true.
- It is true. You know what else?
I think I owe you another dress. And I
definitely owe you another date.
I'd like that.
Why don't you come to the farm
with me next weekend?
I'll call you.
I'll wait by the phone.
Holy shit!
- I know.
- Are you sure?
If I'm not, then my dog is.
You're not making any sense.
You're definitely pregnant.
- Congratulations! How are we feeling?
- We're freaking out!
- What she said.
- Why?
We performed an inter-uterine
...using sperm that you purchased.
This isn't exactly
what we call an accident.
It's just happening so fast.
Keep breathing. Pump those arms.
What did you all eat last night?
- Hey, Arthur.
- Well, hello, my dear.
Oh, no, no, no,
don't get up. It's okay.
I can't get up.
- Came to see my lovely fiance?
- Yes.
Oh, she's looking fine today,
let me tell you. Just fine.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hey.
- Baby.
- Hey. I need to talk to you.
- Sure.
- Alone.
Don't worry about them.
They can't hear anything anyway.
- I'm pregnant.
- What?
- I'm pregnant.
- What?
- I'm pregnant.
- I can't hear you, darling.
Oh, Jesus, Judy! She's pregnant.
Turn up your hearing aid.
I'm confused.
You said this is what you wanted.
But this guy, he's special. And now
the whole thing's gonna fall apart.
What makes him so special?
I don't know. He's very real.
And funny.
And different.
I like him, Nana.
What should I do?
You always get ahead of yourself.
You barely know him.
Spend some time with him.
See what he's really like.
He could be a total douche bag
and then the whole thing is moot.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Maybe he is a douche bag.
- Oh, come on.
You think he'd ask you away for
the weekend if he had a girlfriend?
There's no way he's dating
that muffin bitch, Zoe. Trust me.
Who can say?
Maybe he's looking to get laid.
Oh, well,
don't have sex with him, okay?
That will really complicate things.
- I know.
- It'll be hard...
...with three times the amount of
blood coursing through your body.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, yeah.
That's why pregnant women
are so horny all the time.
Is that what it is?
I thought it was me.
Oh, no. When I was pregnant,
my whole body was so sensitive...
...I could have an orgasm
sitting on a bus.
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Me too.
Why? It's a happy story.
- All right, I'm just gonna go up there...
- Disgusting.
...and tell him that I'm pregnant.
Just lay all my cards on the table.
Okay, good.
Just don't lay on the table.
Because you cannot have sex.
Don't look at me like that.
I know. This is a big mess we're in.
I'm gonna fix it.
Shit. Here it is.
Watch out for that tree.
Yeah, thanks.
- Hi.
- Hi.
The tree should not be there.
All I'm gonna say.
Whatever, Mrs. Magoo.
- Come on. I'm glad you're here.
- Okay.
Me too.
There's something I need to tell you.
I'm pregnant.
Yes, pregnant.
Okay, maybe like:
I'm gonna have a baby.
I'm with child.
Stan. Stan.
I've been inseminated.
Yes, inseminated.
I'm gonna have a baby!
Spoon, spoon.
Would you like a plate?
A napkin? Trough?
- These are for you.
- That's so sweet. Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're good.
It's just that stew was so delicious.
I knew you'd like it.
So, what's the next step
for a cheese farmer?
Very funny.
I want to start
a sustainable gourmet shop, okay?
Cheese, wine, bread,
prepared foods, but everything local.
Nothing from farther than 30 miles.
All based on the farmers' markets.
- That's a good idea.
- Thank you very much.
I'm good at ideas.
I'm just not good with follow-through.
I wasn't good at marriage.
I wasn't good at running
a bed-and-breakfast.
Thank God we didn't have kids.
- You don't want kids?
- I don't think so.
Well, I don't know.
For years, I never thought about
the future. I just lived in the moment.
But maybe I'm different now.
I really want to take the next step.
I really want to move on with my life.
About the future.
- Let's talk about that.
- Okay.
Because the future is now.
- Right?
- Right.
There's something that
I need to tell you.
Hold that thought.
Come here.
- I want to show you something.
- What is it?
- It's cheese.
- I can see that.
No, no, no, it's new.
I had this idea to use these
two different types of goat's milk... come up with something
really unique.
It's sweet...
...and sassy and complex.
I was inspired.
So, what are you saying,
I'm your cheese muse?
You're kind of hard
to read right now.
Well, I really want to kiss you...
...but it smells like cheese in here.
We have to take it slow, okay?
We can't have sex.
- Fine.
- Okay. Okay.
Did you just...?
Holy shit!
Is my nose bleeding?
You punched me.
- I'm sorry.
- No. It's okay.
It was amazing.
It was like over-the-top amazing.
What was that,
like three or four for you?
Stan. Stan.
There's something I have to tell you.
What is it?
Why are you crying?
I'm pregnant.
I'm pretty sure it doesn't
happen that fast.
No, I know. It's hard to explain.
What are you talking about?
I'm pregnant.
Who's the father?
I don't know.
I mean, I know who it is.
I just don't know his name, exactly.
It's a donor from a sperm bank.
Seriously, what the hell
are you talking about?
- When did all this happen?
- Actually, it was the day we met.
Yeah, I didn't think to tell you...
...because I didn't think there was any
way that I could be pregnant so fast.
But why?
Because I wanted a baby.
I never met the right guy and
I thought that if I waited any longer...
...I might miss my chance.
All right, we just made love.
You tell me you're pregnant
with some stranger's child.
Don't say it like that.
You make it sound dirty.
I wanted a baby and I thought
I had to do it alone.
- It was before I met you.
- I don't know what to say.
What am I supposed to say:
this is terrific news"?
I made this big decision
to do this thing.
And then I met you.
- I'm sorry.
- About what?
Getting pregnant
or lying to me about it?
- I didn't lie.
- You didn't tell the truth.
- Where are you going?
- I thought this would be easier.
To just disappear at the crack
of dawn? Don't I get a say?
You said everything last night.
No, I didn't.
You left out the part that you had a
girlfriend. That was pretty convenient.
I don't have a girlfriend.
That girl from the farmers' market.
She's not my girlfriend.
She was,
but that was a few years ago.
Olivia's in my class.
We study together.
Study what?
I'm a student. I'm still in school.
I go at night.
- Why didn't you want to tell me?
- Because it's embarrassing.
You're this incredibly accomplished
person and I didn't even finish college.
I mean, I got this great life...
...but I'm barely passing economics.
You know?
- Where are you going?
- Look, let's not drag this out, okay?
I lied to you, you lied to me.
We both have other plans...
...and being together
is just messing everything up.
We should just go
our separate ways. Goodbye.
So how did you two meet?
We can talk later
in your office or whatever.
Well, everything seems
right on track.
A little blood. Quite normal.
You don't have to stay in here
if you don't want.
I'm fine. I'm good.
Now, I'm gonna do an ultrasound.
This is how we view the fetus.
Oh, you rub it on her stomach.
I thought you were gonna put
that huge thing...
In her vagina?
It's too early to go through
the abdomen, you see.
So we have to go through the vagina.
Vagina, vagina, vagina.
Maybe if I say it often enough, you'll
feel a little more comfortable. Vagina.
- It's not working.
- Okay.
Okay, now, Zoe.
With a little bit of luck,
we'll see a heartbeat.
That's it? That little thing?
- Is everything okay?
- Everything is just...
I see another heartbeat.
It has two hearts?
No, but you have two babies.
Are you gonna leave now?
Because this is more
than you bargained for.
You know,
it's more than I bargained for.
But just tell me, okay?
So I can be prepared.
I just need to sit here, you know?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- But then are you gonna leave?
- Okay, one kid is a lot.
Two kids is a posse.
I'm just getting used to us
as a couple.
And now all of a sudden
you're having a posse.
Are you ready for a posse?
I don't even know if I like kids.
Hey, beat it, pal. All right?
Look, I don't want to
cause a scene...
...but get your hands out
of your pockets...
...and get the hell out of here.
No, I'm talking to you,
because you're the only pervert...
...with his hands in his pockets
at a playground.
- I'm not a pervert!
- Lf you don't have kids, get lost.
I have kids, okay?
A week ago, I didn't even know
she was pregnant...
...and now she's having twins.
I just saw the ultrasound.
The one that goes inside.
I know what you need.
How did this happen?
- Just take that off.
- This here?
- Yeah.
- Oh, man, I'm dizzy.
I'm sweaty and dizzy.
- That's normal, bro.
- Is it? Which one's yours?
- I've got three.
- Three?
Yeah, look. That's Charlie right there,
and that's Roxy.
- See that fella?
- Yeah.
That's Mack.
He's eating sand.
Yeah. By the time you get
to the third one... don't worry so much
about that stuff.
What's it like, the whole kid thing?
It's great!
Except for the lack of sleep,
free time... with my wife...
...buck-naked Fridays
in the family room.
That's not the answer
I was looking for, man. It's fine.
The best way I can describe it is...'s awful, awful, awful...
...and then something incredible
And then awful, awful, awful.
Then something incredible
happens again.
It's like this all day, every day, man.
I feel like I'm drowning... I'm gasping to get
my old life back.
And then a small moment happens...
...that's so magical... life-affirming
that it makes it all worthwhile.
This will be the best thing
you ever do.
Hey, son.
I guess this would be that moment,
Yeah, this would be it.
Hey, what do you have there, son?
Well, almost.
Son, is that cat shit?
- That's your shit?
- No.
This ain't even his shit.
Charlie, Roxy,
meet me at the bathroom.
What did I tell you about playing
with other people's shit?
So why are you upset?
It's so lucky.
To get pregnant on the first try
with frozen sperm is rare...
...but to get pregnant with twins?
I mean, come on, that is unheard of.
Okay, okay.
When you want to speak, you can.
Does anyone else have anything
in the meantime...
...that they'd like to share?
- Tabitha.
- Yeah, I'm having a hard time.
Luca keeps asking me
why his friends have two parents...
...and he only has one.
I knew this would happen someday.
I wasn't prepared...
- There's this guy.
- What?
His name is Stan, and he's fantastic.
Wasn't I just speaking?
You know how
you never meet somebody?
The kind of guy
who makes you rethink everything.
Like, maybe I can
be a stay-at-home mom.
Maybe I can.
I'll love being barefoot and pregnant.
He can teach me how to make
cheese. We can live off the land.
Zoe, this group
is called Single Mothers and Proud.
I know.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
I wasn't planning to meet anybody.
It just happened.
And now that I've thrown all my plans
out the window...
...and really fallen for this guy...
...I'm just afraid
that he might not stay.
What should I do?
I don't know.
This is wildly outside
my field of expertise.
Yeah, because we're
a single-mothers group.
So we don't tend to give advice on
how to get your boyfriend to commit.
Not usually.
Maybe you should join
a different group.
- Ding-dong.
- No.
Okay. We are gonna have to
take a vote on this, Zoe...
...because I think we,
collectively, feel...
...that you are in a very...
...wildly different place
than where we are.
So we are going to take a vote.
How did you find me?
I called the store.
Said it was an emergency.
What is it?
You're crazy.
I don't expect you to stay.
I don't expect you to expect me
to stay.
What if I want to stay?
Well, then I'd be surprised.
And happy.
- I can't promise anything.
- Neither can I.
Okay, fine. Give me the hot dog.
Perry and Hudson.
- Feel free to run every red light.
- You got it.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
This sucks!
Nothing fits me!
Please, just let me wear sweats.
Honey, you can't wear sweats.
This is important.
- I'll get that.
- Wait, let me suck it in.
Have you got a jacket or something?
- Got you. I got you. Are you all right?
- Yes.
I can't.
Oh, watch it.
- I'm gonna throw up.
- What?
- Good to see you.
- How are you?
Stan. Oh, you are a prince.
Thanks for coming.
Sea urchins?
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I split my dress. And I didn't
want to go. How about that?
What is that thing?
Oh, Mona gave it to me.
It's supposed to help me sleep.
- Hold on.
- Okay.
It's been two weeks now...
...and all she ever wants to do
is sleep with that pillow.
The pillow is a bitch.
Totally replacing you?
- Completely. She drags it everywhere.
- My wife, she drew eyes on hers.
I make a move in the middle
of the night...
...the pillow is staring at me.
- Yeah.
- Like, "Bro, I don't think so."
- We used to have sex all the time.
Every day. Now I can't touch her.
I can barely go near her.
She's pregnant. You can't win.
- The only one who wins is the pillow!
- The pillow!
- Screw that pillow, man.
- You might have to. I did once.
We're gonna be fine.
Gonna get through this.
Everything's gonna be fine.
In a year's time, this is just gonna be
a funny memory, right?
That's right. Before you know it,
the kids will be in school...
...and you'll long for the days when
a pillow was your biggest problem.
Must be hard
when they first go off to school.
Little school shoes,
little backpacks.
No, saying goodbye
to the kid is easy.
Saying goodbye to 20 grand,
now, that's hard.
What are you talking about?
What's 20 grand?
And you have twins.
That's a whole lot of Parmesan.
Oh, my God.
All right, this one says,
"most natural nipple."
That looks nothing like my nipples,
This one says, "BPA free."
- What's BPA?
- I don't know.
So how do you know
you don't want it?
It's Bisphenol A,
and you do not want it.
If you're gonna use a bottle,
which we do not advocate...
...because breast is best...
- Better.
...use a glass bottle.
- How are you, honey?
- I'm good.
We missed you at the meetings.
Okay, yes.
I never heard back after the vote,
so I just assumed that I was out.
Oh, no, it was unanimous.
Didn't anyone call you?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Well, this is my Nana,
and this is Arthur, her fianc.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.
- How do you do?
- When are you getting married?
She's kept me waiting for 22 years,
so I'm not holding my breath.
Zoe, can I put you on
the phone tree?
I kind of want the whole group there
when it happens.
Thanks. That means a lot.
Okay. Well, happy shopping.
And check out the strollers on
aisle six, because they're awesome.
- Did you not call her?
- Okay.
- I don't know.
- Okay.
- Lookie!
- Zoe?
- Hey.
- What is that?
It's a Twin X Deluxe, the Rolls-Royce
of strollers. Isn't it awesome?
It's big.
Supposed to fit through
most doorways.
I don't think so.
Just let me get it sideways.
- Keep trying.
- It's gotta have a thing here.
Hang on.
Oh, shit!
- Are you okay?
- It bit me.
What the hell is going on here?
An outfit to bring the babies home in
from the hospital.
How many babies are you having?
I just got two of everything.
Look, baby Village People.
How much money did you spend?
Where are we gonna put all this?
- Don't worry. It'll be okay.
- I don't see how that's possible.
Haven't even had the babies
and everything's changed.
You know what? There's the door.
If you want to go, you can go.
Stop it. I hate it when you do that.
I know. I'm sorry.
Let me see.
Have you gotten to page 279 yet?
No, I stopped reading
when you tore out one of my pages...
...and used it as a napkin.
Well, it says here that women
in their third trimester...
hormonal mood swings...
...and their partners just have to be
extra understanding about it.
Are you coming on to me right now?
It's kind of hard to tell.
- What?
- You have chicken in your hair.
- I do?
- Right there, yeah.
Did I get it?
You know what, honey?
I'm sorry, but not tonight, okay?
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
Hey, babe.
Hey. You want some breakfast?
No, thank you.
It's still nighttime. Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Do you
know how much preschool is?
Twenty grand. For circle time.
What about college? I think colleges
run about 50 grand right now.
But that's right now, so in 18 years,
it'll be double that, at least.
And we have twins,
so double it again.
So, what's that,
like 200 grand a year?
We haven't even bought books
or clothes or shit.
They're probably gonna need
cars at school.
You know I'm gonna be a pushover
and buy them whatever they want.
So, what's that,
like half a million a year?
I don't have half a million a year.
I'm in night school.
Just something I was thinking about.
It's no big deal.
Why don't you come back
to bed, honey?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Did I wake you up?
- No.
We're gonna be okay.
I have money saved.
It's not just about the money.
I'll figure out a way
to make enough money.
What is it, then?
It's just...
I need to know.
Are you still in there?
I'm still here.
Excuse me. Can I help you?
What do you think?
It's a bit overwhelming, huh?
There are so many,
and they're so big.
Well, they have to be big.
Two babies, right?
Yeah, but babies are small.
These are for,
like, giant mutant babies.
You should see some of the babies
that come in here. Total fat-asses.
By the way,
my boyfriend and I do custom work.
We can solve this.
What are you doing?
Nothing. How was your exam?
Shitty. Come on,
what were you doing?
I gained three more pounds
this week.
And I think it went all to my ass.
You look great. You always
look great. I missed you today.
I miss my old ass.
You know what's weird?
I never knew your old ass.
It was kind of like this ass,
but way hotter.
- Baby.
- Yeah?
This is my old ass.
Why do you have a picture
of your ass?
My college boyfriend took it.
So in all fairness,
it doesn't look exactly like that...
...but it's pretty close. It's held up.
Yeah, it's a nice ass.
Look, this is me
in the seventh grade.
This is me and Nana
at my confirmation.
This is the last picture
I have of my mom.
She lived for a few more years
after this.
But we didn't take any pictures.
She didn't want us
to remember her that way.
I was 8 years old when she died.
I can't imagine.
She had this great laugh.
And really soft hands.
She used to rub my back
before I went to sleep.
It's such a small thing,
but I think about it all the time.
Why don't you ever talk
about your dad?
She was in a coma
for two years after this.
He didn't stick around.
Oh, God, Zoe.
I'm so sorry.
It's no big deal.
It was an important lesson for me.
That's when I realized
that nothing lasts forever.
So now you know everything.
Some things can last forever.
So about my exam.
I didn't exactly...
That's weird.
I'm confused. Why'd you say
you'd come in the first place?
It seemed like a good idea
at the time.
- Is that Zoe?
- Zoe!
- Hey.
- It is so nice of you to come.
Yeah, we just wanted to stop by
and say a quick "hi" and good luck.
No, you're staying. You have to stay.
Lori wants us all here for this.
I really want to stay.
She's having a contraction.
Okay. So, what were you saying?
This is Stan.
- Of course.
- Hi. Hi.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Hey, you two should get in here.
No, this is your special moment...
...and we should go.
- No. Oh, God, I'm not shy.
Come on, I've been through it before.
I am not shy.
It is really quite beautiful.
How long do we have to stay here?
- Just wait till it starts. We'll sneak out.
- Okay.
Come on, everyone. It's happening.
Come on.
She's about to get into the water.
The what?
I'm gonna be out here, okay?
Just relax. Breathe.
I know. Isn't it amazing... the human body
can just open up like that?
I'm gonna go get a little air.
I'm feeling a little...
No, Zoe. Don't you move, Zoe.
You're my focal point.
- What?
- Oh, God.
Push, Lori. Push.
Holy shit!
You can't leave.
You're her focal point.
Can't she use somebody else?
She's in labor.
You can't argue with her now.
Someone grab her legs.
Lift them up. Lift them up.
- Push. That's it, push.
- Breathe.
Jesus, what is that?
Perfectly natural.
Sometimes the bowels just release.
- Ridley, if you could.
- Okay, okay, Lori.
No, Zoe! Don't you move!
You are my focal point.
What does that even mean?
I need to turn over!
I need to turn over, please!
- We are here for you, sister!
- I need to turn over.
We are all pushing with you!
Here comes the head!
- Get me a mirror! I want to see it!
- No! You don't!
- Goddamn it, Zoe, don't move!
- I thought you wanted a mirror.
Stan, the mirror!
- What?
- The mirror!
What mirror?
- Get the mirror! For the love of God!
- Stan!
- Stan, get the mirror!
- Get the mirror!
- Hi, I'm Stan. I'm sorry.
- Give me the mirror. Nobody cares.
- Okay.
- No. No.
- Look at all that hair.
- That's not the baby's hair.
One last push!
Everyone says it's so beautiful.
I thought it was terrifying.
I don't ever want to see that again.
But you want to see ours, right?
I don't know, baby. It was just...
I shouldn't have seen that.
Hey, I was just coming by
to see if you were okay.
I was worried about you
after the exam.
- What happened with your exam?
- I was trying to tell you last night.
- What happened?
- I walked out of the exam.
- Why?
- I'm quitting school.
I can't believe you're pregnant.
Why are you quitting school?
Because if I stay in school,
I can only work part-time.
If I work part-time, I can't afford
our expenses. I need to work.
I had no idea it was this serious.
You're having a baby?
I didn't know
you'd been together that long.
Well, yeah, they're not mine,
but yes, we're having a baby.
We're having twins, actually.
- What do you mean, "Not mine"?
- Didn't mean it like that.
- Why would you say that?
- I'm sorry.
I'm not exactly thinking straight.
I've been up all night watching Orca
give birth.
- I am such an idiot.
- No, Zoe.
Oh, God, I am so stupid.
This is not about money...
...or that you can't afford kids.
You don't want this.
That's the problem.
He always told me
he didn't want kids.
Why are you still here?
- Okay.
- That's it, isn't it?
Really? After everything we've been
through, you think I don't want kids?
- That's what you just said.
- It's what you just heard.
There's a big difference.
I don't think you're ready for this.
Now that it's all happening... you've seen
a woman push a baby out... it's all too real for you.
And you're scared.
Damn right, I'm scared. Yeah.
- Aren't you scared?
- Know what I'm scared of?
I'm scared
I'm gonna have these babies...
...and then
you're gonna walk away.
You're gonna say, "They're
not mine," and just walk away.
You look for some hint
that I'm leaving... matter how many times
I tell you I'm not.
I don't know what else to do.
What else am I supposed to do?
So, what are you saying?
- Just go now.
- I don't want to go.
- Go.
- This is crazy, Zoe. It's crazy.
If you don't go, I'll go.
You know what? Just so you know
when you do the autopsy here... better realize you have no one
to blame but yourself.
You had to come along, didn't you?
I was fine with my plan.
Totally fine with it.
You've lost your mind.
Just give me a boost.
If you think you are getting
into this Dumpster...
I need that pillow, okay?
I can't sleep.
I will never sleep again
without that pillow.
Well, go to his house.
Tell him you're sorry.
Then you'll be able to sleep.
This has nothing to do with
that stupid pillow.
I'm not going to his house, okay?
He walked away from me.
You made him walk away.
What do you know?
You weren't there.
I've known you for 30 years.
I know that you would never
see this through.
I know that you don't trust people.
You and your grandmother,
She's been engaged to Arthur
for how long now?
She's never gonna marry him.
Just like you were never gonna
stay with Stan.
Okay, Mona.
I mean,
no wonder you got a sperm donor.
He's the perfect boyfriend.
He'll never let you down.
You know, I used a sperm donor
because I wanted a baby.
Because I wanted a family.
Because Nana's not gonna
live forever...
...and then it'll just be me.
Look, just go home. Okay?
I don't need you here.
I need my pillow.
I'm sorry.
That was too far.
Yeah. That was too far.
But you know I'm right.
Stop talking.
My pillow doesn't talk.
It just lies there and shuts up.
Don't beg, Nuts.
My God, you are stubborn.
Knock, knock.
Who's ready to celebrate?
Oh, Mona, I'm so glad you're here...
...because now
I can tell both of you together.
I'm getting married.
- What?
- What?
Next weekend.
We finally decided to do it.
Oh, my God.
It finally hit me.
This man loves me, and I love him.
What the hell am I waiting for?
Oh, I have you to thank for it, Zoe.
Just seeing you and Stan together,
how happy you are.
You know, the way you've just thrown
caution to the wind...
...and decided to go for it.
I want some of that too.
Stan and I broke up.
- He said the babies weren't his.
- He didn't mean to say it.
- Tell her the whole story.
- He said it.
If he said it, he thinks it.
If he thinks it, then he feels it.
And if he feels it,
what choice do I have?
Zoe, you know that's not true.
You're just looking for another way
to back out.
- Thank you.
- I'm not gonna do this.
This man has chosen to be with you
and raise your kids as his own.
You're just gonna throw that all away
for some stupid word choice?
- Look at you.
- Oh, look at you.
I'm worried about you.
No, don't worry.
I'm great. I'm great.
I'm just emotional.
Come on,
let me just finish your makeup.
Honey, you don't always have
to be so strong.
I know you learned it from me, but it's
no good. What does it get you?
It means that I take care of myself,
just like you always did.
No, Arthur takes care of me.
He's been taking care of me for
22 years. I just didn't want to admit it.
Zoe, stop pushing people away.
- I don't want to talk about this, okay?
- Listen to me.
Zoe, you will never have
a healthy relationship...
...with Stan or any man if you don't.
You have to learn to trust people.
What is that?
It's your custom stroller,
the Twin X Torpedo.
I didn't order this.
Your husband did.
Or your boyfriend.
I don't know exactly
what your relationship is.
Stan? When did he do that?
About a month ago.
You don't like it. Shit.
We worked really hard on this one.
He wasn't gonna leave, was he?
I'm not really sure
what's happening here.
Oh, God. We gotta go get him.
What? I'm getting married in
20 minutes.
- Weddings never start on time.
- We can't be late. He's 93 years old.
Stop it.
Pick up.
He has to pick up.
I'm gonna hurl that thing
into the fucking holy water.
Is this new? "The Zoe?"
Yeah, it's the first week
it's been out.
Can I have a sample? What's it like?
It's stubborn, overly suspicious
and distrustful of men.
- This song is taking forever.
- This song's never gonna be over.
What time is it, Shadybrook?
That's right. It's conga time.
Everybody, get out there
and shake those titanium hips.
- Conga.
- Conga time.
I need to talk to you
for two seconds.
- We really gotta go. Come on.
- We have to go.
Please, get me out of here.
I can't find any exit signs
behind the purple flowers.
Who knew the conga was
this much fun?
I have rhythm all of a sudden.
Oh, shit.
Why is the floor wet?
- Damn it, not again. No, not me.
- It wasn't me.
- Not me.
- Nope.
I think my water just broke.
Baby time!
Stop it!
What can we do for you, darling?
This dress is tight.
I can do it. If you want to let me.
Grab the strap.
- Fingernail.
- Can we make a pit stop?
You can't drive in here!
Okay. Move it. Out of the way.
Lady with a baby.
Are you just gonna leave it there?
- What's going on?
- Your muffins suck!
- I'm going out of my mind.
- What are you doing?
I'm trying to call you and
doing the conga. My dress is falling.
When they say labor's painful,
they're not kidding. Really hurts.
- You're in labor?
- But the stroller came. It's so beautiful.
Oh, God! That hurts.
- Why didn't you pick up your phone?
- When?
I called you a hundred times.
I wanted you at the wedding.
- What wedding?
- It was so beautiful.
And then it wasn't.
People slipping everywhere.
Oh, God, I hope nobody got hurt.
- You're not making any sense.
- No, that's just it.
Everything makes sense.
All of a sudden,
everything is just so crystal clear.
And the thing that's the clearest... that I am so madly, deeply,
and completely in love with you.
I can't imagine spending
another minute apart.
Zoe, after all this time,
you come in here and you expect...
I gotta go to the hospital. I gotta go.
- Zoe.
- Let's go. Move it! Get the lead out.
- Zoe, wait up! Zoe, wait.
- Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Listen. How do I know when things get
tough, you won't just run away again?
I can't handle it. You broke my heart.
You completely destroyed me.
You destroyed me too! It's not like
this has been easy for me!
Son of a bitch!
Just breathe through it.
It's gonna be okay.
Don't you tell me it's gonna be okay!
You don't know it's gonna be okay.
It hurts. I'm scared.
It is gonna be okay!
- Refrain from yelling at the patient.
- I'm not yelling!
- I'm getting her to see my point!
- Sounds like yelling.
What will it take for you to believe
I'm here forever?
You had to see a stupid stroller?
I've been to every doctor's
appointment with you.
I picked out names with you.
I saved this
from the very first day we met.
It's the one that was tails-up.
You flipped it to heads.
I've kept it this whole time.
And it's brought me
the most incredible luck.
I can't believe you kept that.
What about the fact that,
like it or not...
...I will be here holding your hand
through this?
What about the fact that I'm gonna be
here when these babies are born?
Because I love their mommy.
And what I want more
than anything else in the world... to be their daddy.
But you have to promise me
that from now on...'ll believe me when I say I'm in.
And I'm not going anywhere.
Can you do that?
Can you?
- All right, now push. Time to push. Go.
- Okay.
Breathe, breathe.
"Remember my three rules.
No touch, no talk
and no eye contact...
...while the dog's nose is busy
analyzing our energy...
...and all the different scents
in our body.
This sniffing can last
from three seconds to a minute.
It's important not to interrupt
the dog...
...while she's intent
on accomplishing this ritual."
You know, one day...
...I'm gonna tell you girls the story
of your mommy and me.
Cesar should write a book
about that one.
Talk about a bestseller.
Come here.
That's nice.
Come here.
It was a battle,
but they finally fell asleep.
Penny had to poop and then...
Don't talk about Penny's poop
when I'm about to kiss you.
It's perfect.
You know what the best part is?
You can stop in for lunch
every single day.
- All right. You're here.
- Speech. Speech.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you all for coming.
This has been a dream for me
for a long time.
And I need to thank one person
for giving me the courage to do it.
- To Zoe.
- Zoe!
From the moment you stole my cab...
...from the day you dissed me
at the farmers' market...
...I have been totally
and completely under your spell.
I love you.
And you've made me
the happiest man alive.
It was my cab.
Come over here for a minute.
- Give me that.
- What?
Since we do everything backwards
and in hyperspeed...
...I was wondering if we could do...
...what naturally follows
having twins together.
Oh, my...
Holy shit!
Will you marry me?
Say yes.
- I can't believe it.
- I know.
- Did we really just get engaged?
- Yes, we did.
Soon you will be my wife.
- Action.
- What?
Dakota was born right here.
Right where you're sitting, actually.
How did you do that here
in this chair?
The seat comes up.
- What do you have in your hand?
- Daddy, poo-poo.
What a good girl. You're okay.
Tuck, get up there. Go on.
Go on. Go on. Go on.
Now, wait a minute!
Just one second!
When did you eat corn?
Is this cat shit?
We don't even know
what kind of shit it is.
Go on, go on. Good, good, good.
Go on, go on, go on.
Take one. Take five. Take 10.
Fifteen. Twenty-four.
- There. Happy now?
- You know what goes in those things?
- Oh, my God.
- Awesome.
Yeah, do that. That would be nice.
Oh, God.
Breast to face. There is
no better bond that could be made.
Breast to face.
Buck-naked Fridays in the family
room. Buck-naked Wednesdays.
Buck-naked Friday while the maid
cleans your living room.
Buck-naked. Buck-naked. Naked.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Perfectly natural.
Sometimes the bowels just release.
My mother is dead.
If she was here, she would probably
let me feed from her teat.
Get the mirror, Stan!
I will rip your throat out!
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Not tonight, okay?
- And cut.
- Food in my hair.