The Bet (2016) Movie Script
Reverse Egyptian suplex!
Reverse Egyptian suplex!
He's going for the pin!
-One!
-Two!
-Three!
THE BE -And it's all over!
THE BE -What an absolute war that was!
THE BE -Okay wrestling fans,
THE BE -it's time for the main event.
After years of heartbreak,
unfulfilled dreams and
shattered confidence, this
young man will finally
have one last shot
at the world title.
Does he have any chance?
If you ask this announcer,
he's fucked.
Dude, thanks for bogarting
all these sweet wrestling
DVDs from work.
Yeah dude.
I'd rather you have them
than see them getting
thrown out when
the store closes.
Keep an
eye on dad tonight.
He hasn't been the same since
we moved into the garage.
No problem.
Good luck on your date.
Maybe she'll let you
sniff her butthole.
It's just dinner, dude.
Hey Mr. B, what you
working on over there?
Completing the
perfect woman.
I look forward
to meeting her.
I already got started,
I hope you don't mind.
Just need to get my
drink on tonight.
Well I get getting your
drink on this evening.
This is a really beautiful
place you picked.
I am starving. I mean
I could eat a horse.
That's funny.
Let's see do they have horse,
I'm checking.
No, no! They have 30
dollar soup though.
So, I feel like I've
been totally talking
your face off about me.
No.
Tell me more about you.
I...
work at a video store.
People still rent movies?
Well, no actually.
That's kind of
the problem.
I dunno, I think it's kind of
sad that people don't go
to video stores anymore.
It's kind of an Americana
kind of, sort of thing.
I dunno. Going...
Brandon?
No, I'm Denton.
Shaniqua?
Danielle!
Holy shit, I don't care.
Come here, come here.
So good to see you!
-You look fucking amazing.
-Thank you.
-Hey, Brandon, this is Denton.
-Denton!
On a date with
a real girl?
Good for you, buddy.
It's just kind of like a
blind date sort of thing.
It's going bad.
I'm right here.
I figured as much.
Hey, you know what, I made
some improvements to the
old choo-choo train, if
you want to, come.
For like a ride, you know.
Meet me in the parking lot.
That a girl.
Okay so, thank you so much
this has been really great.
- Yeah.
- And yeah.
Good luck with the whole
video store job thingy.
-Thank you.
-Okay, bye!
Hey, cancel my drink?
Later, Denton!
Whenever you're
ready, chief.
It's all over folks!
He fucked that one up!
That was awesome.
Dad.
Come on, come on.
Let's go to bed?
Come on, let's go to bed.
So, how was the big date?
It was not good.
It was not, in fact,
it was pretty terrible.
Well, life is a
series of miserable dates.
Terrific.
Now Batting, Jackson Price.
I got one.
Kendra McNulty.
Kendra McNulty.
She was fine and she
would've got that root.
That was a God damn ball!
Those fucks paid
off the ump again.
Ed, stat me.
Well according to this,
"Dyke Piazza," you're 0 and 4
for the entire day, so it
looks like all that money
you spent on glare
protection is really
working out for you.
Bullshit!
What the hell is this?
It's a list of all
the hottest girls
we went to school with.
Kendra McNulty?
Please.
You want to talk about
fine middle school puss?
Hayley Matthews.
Yeah.
Hayley Matthews, yo, that
was the first girl in our
grade to have sex, right?
Hell yeah. She sucked
off Danny Clarke
on the 8th grade
field trip.
No, that was
Mikey Milligan.
How do you know?
'Cause I was sitting
in between them.
She leaned over your
dick to suck his?
Oof.
I cannot believe you
let her do a flyover.
Next time a girl
tries to do that?
Air pocket.
Bring her down.
If I could do it all over
again, I would have a
vault of vag to dive into.
They would call
me Scrooge McFuck.
I literally don't think
anyone would call you that.
A couple people might.
You guys talking
Duck Tales?
Wait, apologies for getting you
wet with a cartoon analogy.
But can you please
not interrupt serious
conversations about pussy?
Hey Denton, what
do you think?
You wanna send one of your
ladies out here so we can
end this and go home?
I got hot yoga!
I want him dead.
Wiggins, get up there and
smash the ball down that
motherfucker's throat.
Will do, coach.
Here we go.
Do it, Ken Spiffy Junior.
Two for two.
Good hustle, good hustle,
Wiggins.
Good hustle.
Dropping dimes, Brandon.
Now batting, Wiggins.
Come on dude, really?
You're gonna text
during the game?
It's called sexting
you fucking nerd.
Yeah?
Is it pre-paid?
No. It's unlimited
like your mom.
-Strike!
-Shit!
Jackson, you
gotta chill dude.
Have you forgotten?
When old man Lucas shuts
down the video store,
our team goes with it.
Look at that old
fuck out there.
Rubbing our faces
in his shit.
Our faces right
in his shit!
Eddie, honey.
I just finished my work
out, but I'm going to go
pick up a six pack.
We're still watching the
game tonight, right?
Absolutely, baby.
-Alright.
-Alright, see you tonight.
Love you!
I would totally
go big on your wife.
Strike three!
Goin' down swinging,
like your girlfriend
on my dick last night.
Joke's on you, I don't
have a girlfriend.
Horribly embarrassing.
Bring it in.
You guys suck dick.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you, madam, fuck you...
You so want to bone her.
Always have.
Always will.
Hey.
You checking out my
mom's ass, perverts?
-Yeah.
-No.
I thought that was
your step mom's ass.
Fuck you, Jackson.
You fucking Ewok.
By the way, I saw
your game today.
0 for 4, nice.
What's this?
Hand that to me.
You're making a list of
all the girls you wish you
fucked in school.
That's hilarious, 'cause I
have a list of girls I did
fuck in school.
Serge here's seen it.
It's a big fuckin' list!
Hey, Denton could fuck
every girl on that list.
Let the man speak.
So you think Denton could get
through this whole list?
Every name? Could you
do that, Denton?
I didn't say anything,
I... maybe her.
God, I smell a
bet coming on.
I wish any of you fuckers
had anything of value.
Anything.
I'd drain you for
every penny.
In the meantime, we've
got a train to catch.
Enjoy tickling each
others' pussies, ladies.
Pussy!
Woo woo!
This place is jumping.
How do you have
any movies left?
What's up guys,
how you doing?
Good, we're just doing some
man stuff around the corner.
Figured we'd stop
by, say what's up.
'Sup.
We still on for
Taco Tuesdays?
God, yes, please.
Nice. Any chance we can
push that up a little bit?
I have a training
sesh at night.
A training "sesh?"
Yeah, it's short for session.
Okay.
Who you training tonight?
I haven't decided yet.
Hi! Hey, how's it going.
How's it going?
Yeah.
Why don't you smell that.
Smell it.
What does that
smell like to you?
Kind of like an envelope.
It smells like a
sweaty asshole.
Here, try this one.
Dude, all of your movies
smell like a fuckin' asshole.
-Smells like a butthole.
-Really, I...
Now my player smells
like a fuckin' asshole.
You guys sitting
on this shit?
Delivery for Lucas
Gourmet Condoms.
You know what,
actually that goes across
the street to the
company over there.
They're not getting stuff here
'til the end of the summer.
Those fuckers are getting
packages here already?
I don't give two shits.
This is what it
says on the package,
this is where
I'm dropping it.
Hey, why don't you
smell this thing?
What does that
smell like to you?
Smells like...
wet dirty assholes.
What the fuck are
you guys doing here?
Denton, what's up?
Hi, Br...
Denise.
That was close,
you almost had it.
Sorry, you guys are
actually already having
packages delivered
to the video store.
Sorry.
Denise!
One second.
Okay, I'll
send him back.
Hey!
Yes?
Mr. Lucas wants
to see you.
He's in Brandon's office.
Okay, just right
around the corner.
H-how does
he know I'm here?
'Cause they're watching,
and you have your Taco
Tuesday with your friends
later at La Cabaa.
H-how did you know that?
Good luck with
the old man, okay?
It'll be fine.
Hey!
Denton!
What's up, man?
I meant to say
congratulations
on fucking Danielle.
That's awesome.
I didn't, I didn't.
I'm sorry, wait, wait.
That was me.
I fucked her. Twice.
We filmed it, actually.
What was the
movie called?
"The Great
Train Blowjobbery."
Gimme all your cum, man!
Did Danielle know you
that you were filming her?
What are you,
fucking stupid?
Like we asked
permission to film her?
Train porno.
It's the world's
fastest growing fetish.
We're the Lucas and
Sergeberg of the genre.
"Shagheart Express,"
"Missionary: Possible,"
"Me Hard On The
Orient Express."
"Trains, Planes, and
Cock Is Your Meal."
Fucking classics, bro.
Amen, sister.
Tell him Mr. Lucas
said "fuck you!"
Denton.
I'm glad you came by.
It's a big day, man.
After my groundbreaking
career in the flavored
jimmy biz, I'll be retiring
at the end of the summer.
So Brandon's you're new
point person in regards to
the takeover.
Now I want my product in
that bullshit video store
within ninety days.
Yes, sir.
We've started our move out and
we will be out on time.
You damn well better.
You know, you should've just
closed that shithole today.
I mean, what the hell have
you wasted your whole damn
life for in there?
Well it means
something to me, sir.
I can remember all of the
best times growing up
going to that video
store and...
I made all my best
friends there.
And I know people don't rent
at a video store anymore.
I know that's kinda in the past,
but it's made me who I am.
A huge pussy.
Shit!
Hit him with the low, dog.
Alright, alright. Son, you're
either born a loser or a winner.
Take Brandon here.
The day his momma shit him
out of her vag hole...
God rest her soul.
He hit the ground a winner.
Now, Serge on
the other hand.
I'm a real fuck up.
Well, let me tell
you what success is.
You see, I wake up in the
morning, I slam me down a
Red Bull and some vodka.
Go clubbing with
some young poon.
Take me some viagras.
And at the end of the
night, I squeeze me some
of the finest little young
tatas money can buy.
They're very big.
You see, I can
smells success.
Just like the
old man?
Not a friggin'
wiff of it on you.
You know what?
Give these to
your old man.
That's barbeque flavor,
that's his favorite.
Give him something.
Anything.
As far as you two, don't forget,
promotional party tonight.
Peppermint Zebra.
First lap dance is on me.
Yeah, daddy!
The second lap
dance is on me, too!
Honey, it's 1 o'clock.
It's time for our
couples' mani-pedi.
Hi, Denton.
Hi, Kirsten.
Hey, it's Mrs.
Lucas to you.
Mhm.
Mani-pedi headache
here we go.
Woo!
Baker!
Where the fuck you
think you're going?
Sit down.
Are you done
being mean to me?
I got a present for you.
It's a go, bitch.
You tell your little butt
buddies at that stupid
video store that the CEO
of Lucas' Gourmet Condoms
signed off on everything.
Rosenburg drew
it up in legal.
He's a Jew so I assume it's
binding and everything.
You know?
I'm gonna watch you fail
and I'm gonna love every
second of it.
Every damn second of it.
Is that...
Did you...
Can I go now?
Get the fuck out of here.
Let's the game begin.
-Cocksmoker!
-Better.
What the hell is this?
There he is!
That you, lucky
motherfucker, is a legal
and binding document.
That's right. Me and Jackson sat
down with Lucas' legal team
this morning and hammered
out all the details.
I have to sleep with
twelve girls this summer
or the Lucas'
get my house?
Well, you're renting your
house to that asshole, Bob.
Technically, you
live in the garage.
What are you guys
lawyers now?
Well I actually had a lawyer
look over the details.
Hello! Offices of
Charles McDee.
And he may or may
not be my uncle.
A contract?
Yeah, yeah.
You good, man.
You're good.
But don't worry, man.
We did all the
legwork for you.
My god.
That, my friend, is nine
of your school crushes.
You actually picked out
most of them yourself.
Wait, what are the
two empty slots for?
You get to pick the
two wild card bitches.
That's right. As long as we
can prove you went to school
with them, you can decide
whoever you want.
Well now I think it's time
for a celebratory shake.
-Gentlemen? Yeah?
-No.
100% alright.
Thanks though.
What the fuck's
going on here?
-Sorry, Bob.
-Sorry, Bob.
Sorry is right, you
sorry motherfuckers.
What's those white bitches
doing on the wall?
These are all the girls that
Denton went to school with?
Yeah, he's
gonna fuck them.
He's gonna fuck them?
That guy is going
to fuck them?
He's going to get fucked?
You don't necessarily have to
sleep with them so you know.
No, you just
gotta bust a fat nut.
It doesn't matter how.
Handy, beej,
missionary.
Old country,
doggie, bukkake.
Gang bang, facial, 69.
Cum dump truck,
shitty kitty.
Yo, I like that one.
Shitty kitty,
shitty kitty.
Or Siberian jizzsicle.
You know what I like?
Fucking Nigerian
cocksicle.
That's what I like.
The drill this shit out of
your big dry fucking asses.
-Bye, Bob.
-Bye, Bob.
-Thanks.
-Fuck you.
That's right. We just need
to have solid evidence
of each hookup.
Guys, I can't do this.
This is your chance, D.
Your biological cock
is ticking, man.
Dude, if you do this, you
get 100% of the Lucas
Gourmet Condom company.
You get everything.
All associated
properties and holdings.
The video store stays open
and we can still play ball.
Can't lose the team, D.
Jackson might
kill himself.
And after what Mr.
Lucas did to your dad.
Think about it.
Hey, champ.
Hey, Mr. Blossy.
How you doing?
-Hey, kid.
-Hi.
Is your dad home?
Nope.
Don't think he's, no.
Is everything okay?
No, no.
Your dad's been stealing
my son's Legos.
What?
Are you sure?
I've been picking
them up all day.
Legos.
From my house
to your house.
He's...
He's had a rough go of it.
Well I think he's
getting worse.
Maybe those assholes
were right.
Fuck yeah we are.
Get up, man.
You got chicks to do.
Wait a minute, what is Scott
Quaker doing up there?
You're gonna
laugh at this.
He's actually one
of your dates.
-No! No, no.
-Okay, look!
For two of the dates you
only have to kiss.
It's supposed to
be twelve girls.
You and Snot Shaker were
inseparable in the third grade.
Everybody knows you
had a crush on him.
Lucas wouldn't budge.
I didn't have
a crush on him.
Listen, guys didn't even
like girls in the third grade.
I loved pussy in
the third grade.
Ask Wiggins.
Yeah, it was pretty gross.
Here's the docs here
for your first date.
We pick the
sluttiest one first.
Seventh grade,
Haley Matthews?
I haven't even talked to
her in like fifteen years.
Surprise again.
You've actually been talking
to her all day online.
We told her you ride a
Harley though because
she's into bad boys.
You sold me as a bad
boy to Haley Matthews?
How am I actually gonna
impress a girl like that?
This, Denton, clearly
isn't doing the trick.
Fuck no.
But, I mean, what's
wrong with me?
I'm fine, right?
Okay, I guess I'll start....
You don't put any
product in your hair.
You're always talking
about bands that
no one's ever heard of.
Like I'm sorry, guys, but
who the fuck is Black Sabbath?
Yeah, man. You live
in a garage.
Wiggins, you live
in a garage with me.
Yeah.
You're gonna have
to shave your shaft.
Your taint, your grundle,
your satchel page.
You gotta be as bald as
a Scandinavian turtle.
It's gotta fucking shine.
I gotta see my face in
your right nut, man.
Look, I'm dressed like a
Crip's stepfather right now.
Does it matter?
No, because I'm confident.
You just gotta be
confident in who you are.
Or in this case,
who you are not.
Look man, I get it.
You're in a rut.
Are you gonna do
something about it?
If you're not gonna
do it for you...
Alright, let's do it.
-Fuck yeah.
-Nice.
Hi...
I'm sorry, is
this 264 Pacific?
Denton!
-Hi.
-Hi, Hailey!
My god, you
look so great.
You look, I can't tell.
I know, right? I mean,
who would've thought?
Not me.
Where's your Harley?
Yeah, it's in the shop.
Seat's broken.
Well, we're
all ready to go.
We?
Rolling Rocks tonight, baby!
My therapist thought it
would be a good idea if I
had a major life change.
So here I am.
This was...
This is a big one.
Yeah, started a pretty sweet
softball team with my buddies.
My dad's building a
woman out of Legos.
I sell my sperm
at a sperm bank.
I thought you were
a cage fighter.
Yeah.
Here's the interesting
part of the story.
Well...
The best part of the story
is coming right now.
I was living in this
apartment and there was
this old Asian
handyman who taught me to
paint fences
and wash cars.
Stuff like that.
So you know what?
I was like, this sucks.
Being a teen with problems
and no direction, this is
not the life I want.
But you know, turns out he
was a martial arts master
and he taught
me a few things.
A blonde kid with
feathered hair gave me a
rash of shit and
I was like...
Let's enter a tournament
together of karate.
And I craned kicked
him in the face.
And that sorta thing just,
you know, naturally leads
to cage fighting.
That's so cool.
Yeah.
What's your
finishing move?
Finishing move,
finishing move is the...
head butt to the nuts.
Yeah, I get a handful of
those nards and just
boom, boom, boom, boom.
Six or seven times...
So you have a girlfriend
or a wife or something?
Nah, I don't need the ag.
You know?
Yeah, it's just my
chopper, cage, and tats.
Tattoos?
Yup, yup.
Yeah, it's a
full back piece.
Yeah, hour's work.
It's a yakuza tattoo.
Yeah, but instead
of a samurai,
it's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Squat thrusting Mars.
I've got to see that.
Sorry, I can't, baby.
No, can't do it.
What?
Yeah, it melted off in
the explosion when I was
escaping the state pen.
My god, that is so hot.
What is it?
The sisters warned
me this could happen.
What? What could happen?
Sisters.
I will never forget the
time we've spent together.
Your life lessons and
blessings will stay with
me all the days
of my life.
Unfortunately, the
exorcism performed on my
devil pussy has failed.
I want you to fuck
me until I tap out.
Holy shit.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah!
Your knee's on my neck.
I'm sorry.
Eleven to go, boys!
-Yes!
-Yes!
Nice.
Details, details, details!
It was not real.
She did like porno stuff.
Of course.
Butthole?
Yours?
Butthole, butthole,
butthole, butthole,
butthole, butthole!
Yeah!
Big D's gonna go big
over all you bitches.
It's everywhere.
It's in your mouth.
It's in your
fucking mouth.
I would tongue
kiss Leo DiCaprio.
What are you saying?
He has supple lips, it's
possible that whenever...
D, straight up
now tell me.
Did you really fuck
clap trap Matthews?
That's disgusting.
Hope you double
bagged it, man.
But because I'm a
gentlemen and a scholar,
I got you a little present.
Rain jimmies
on this bitch.
No. Come on.
Just stop it.
Hey, gram this.
I wanna keep it.
Hashtag blessed.
Hashtag clean these
up you fucking idiots.
Wiggins, hand me a condom.
Brussel sprouts or
Thai Sweet Chili?
Thai Sweet Chili.
Alright, guys.
Let's throw some greenery on
that scenery for Destiny.
Welcome to church,
gentlemen.
Remember, Ed said smart
girls want to be hot and
hot girls want
to be smart.
What the fuck
does Ed know?
He's home with his wife.
You must be really good at
math to be able to count
up all those ones.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, it can be really
hard to keep track of
especially if people throw in
fives when they really like me.
That's a valid point.
Did you wanna
get a lap dance?
They're two for
one right now.
That means that you get
two lap dances, but you
only pay for one.
You are good at math.
That's...
I would love one.
Two.
I've just received news
from the other side.
The dark lord has special
instructions for us.
No, how's he doing?
He's well and says
thank you for asking.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
I'm getting a message from
the dark lord himself
right now.
What news does he bring?
He says that we should
consummate our unholy
tryst on this unhallowed
ground this very eve.
-He does?
-Mhm, yes.
Yes, he does.
Then you must be
the chosen one.
I am totally that guy.
Then we must commence
this ritual immediately.
Okay.
Here, put this on.
The neighbors are always
complaining about the noise.
It'll just take a minute.
Don't worry.
It only hurts
a little bit.
You ready?
You ready?
Let's go.
Carly.
Carly.
Hey.
That's a big dragon?
These are big sharp teeth?
What does he say?
-Rawr!
-Rawr!
Excuse me, sir.
Can I help you
with something?
No, I'm just checking
out this hot chick.
You know what?
No, no, I love kids.
I don't love...
They love...
Sh... Hey!
Hi.
My god, Denton?
- My god.
- Denton Baker?
From Abrams
Elementary, right?
Yeah, Amanda Morrison.
Look at...
You got tall.
You're, you're big.
God, that is crazy.
I can't believe you still
hang out with those guys.
What is Jackson up to?
Jackson thinks he's
a personal trainer.
-Wait, what?
-Yeah, yeah.
He got in shape?
No, no, he did not.
He just he works the
graveyard shift at the
24-hour gym.
So like one person comes
in and he's like I'm
personally training them.
Okay, that makes
more sense.
Yeah.
What about you?
What have you been up to?
Where are you working now?
I got into
cage fighting.
Really? Cage like...
No, you didn't.
Seriously, where
are you working?
Actually I'm in
the movie business.
That's even worse
than cage fighting.
Well, it's kinda true.
I still work at
Video Fun Time.
Really?
Still?
Yeah.
Well, not for much longer
actually because the Lucas'
bought out the building for
their gourmet condom business.
That is...
-That's disgusting.
-Yeah.
Well this is me.
So super cool bumping
into you, Denton.
You know what?
Would you wanna continue
this conversation sometime?
Nope.
Is that a...
-What...
-Yes.
Yeah, I'd love to
catch up some more.
Cool, cool.
How's 8 tonight?
Is that...
Yeah, sure!
We can get that
cup of coffee.
Cool.
Here, let me...
Meet me here.
Stop looking at
my cock, man.
I'm not.
You're peeing on
the bathroom side.
I'm doing dishes
on the right side.
Where the fuck
have you been?
Well I'm sorry,
Schwartzkopf.
I was busy playing
stalker at the daycare.
In fact, I'm lucky I
didn't get arrested.
Yeah, that
Morrison chick.
How's she looking
nowadays?
Great, yeah.
She seems really
cool, too.
Yeah? How'd you hit that?
HJ?
No, I did not.
You know, BJ?
No.
- FJ?
- Get off me.
Did you get one
of those FJ's?
I did not get...
I didn't get an FJ.
I didn't have quite the
time that I needed.
I couldn't close the
deal, but right now,
I'm actually going
to see Amanda.
But this is a
mandatory meeting.
You can do this
one without me.
I swear to god, you're
doing amazing work.
Goodbye.
Denton, remember to be the man,
you have to beat off the man.
It's beat the man.
If you want to be the man,
you have to beat the man.
You don't wanna
beat him off.
Yeah.
But do you remember
that story that
you got up in front of the
entire second grade class
and you read it out
loud to everybody?
Yeah.
I can't believe
you remember that.
Of course I do.
Donny the Lucky Donkey.
Actually it was the Donny,
the Down on His Luck Donkey.
How come? How did you
never get married?
Well my dad was in the
coast guard so we moved
around a lot when I was a kid
and then I guess after I got
my teaching degree, I carried
on the family tradition.
So you're saying
you're a gypsy?
No, I'm not a gypsy.
Sounds like what
a gypsy would say.
No, my girlfriends are all
getting married and having
kids and I'm just happy
that I've finally found a
place to settle
down and write.
So you're a writer?
Well I'm writing a book.
It's a self-help book
about how parents aren't
really instilling enough
self-confidence in their
kids and the affect that
it has on them later on in
their adult lives.
What about you?
It's hard to go out and
date when you're living in
a garage with your dad.
That's hysterical.
God, you're
really serious.
Kinda.
How did that happen?
God, I thought your dad
was a successful inventor.
Well he was until his
greatest invention was
stolen out from right
underneath him.
What was it?
Gourmet Condom.
-No!
-Mhm.
Wait, how did your dad
even come up with the idea
for a gourmet condom
in the first place?
I don't wanna do this.
See, we're
having a coffee.
It's a really
wonderful time.
I don't wanna
screw anything...
Come on.
I can't go back.
You know, once I say
it, it can't be unsaid.
I dare you.
Bring it on.
Let's go.
Gross me out.
Well before I was born, my
parents went on this kind
of zany, wacky diet where
they couldn't eat anything
after midnight.
My mom goes off to the
other room to put on
something a little
more comfortable.
My dad seeing this as an
opportunity to cheat on
the diet, grabs BBQ
chicken wing and starts
mowing down on it.
The fray of all of this,
he gets the chicken
drippings all
over his junk.
Fuck.
My mom sneaks in, surprised
the hell out of him.
They're in a position where
they're going to have relations.
Phillip, you
taste delicious.
And my mom doesn't
seem to mind it.
I know.
His wheels starting turning
and the rest is history.
My dad doesn't know how to
balance a checkbook, let
alone run a company.
So Mr. Lucas
offers his help.
In the interim,
my mom gets sick.
Lucas says, you know what?
Don't worry about it.
While you're gone, I will
get this business started
and running.
So we're watching TV
a couple weeks later.
And there's an ad for
Lucas' gourmet condoms.
Didn't you guys get
a lawyer? Anything?
We got a lawyer,
we tried to do all that,
but my dad didn't
have any copyrights.
He didn't have any proof
like solid evidence.
And from then on, it's just
been this downward spiral.
My god.
That is so fucked up.
But you know what?
This actually would make
a really great example
for my book.
Hear me out, your complete
and utter lack of
self-confidence has
led you to be not only
jobless, but homeless
and girl-less as well.
My god, thank you!
No, seriously!
Yet the only thing that
you are lacking is
testicular fortitude.
What are you
talking about?
Balls, Denton.
Look, I am, I am
very confident.
Really?
Hi.
I'm Denton.
Would you maybe like
wanna, I don't know,
go on a coffee
date with me?
Even though all I'm gonna
do is drink peppermint tea.
That was a C minus
impression at best.
Really?
What is this
pussy ass drink?
It's filled with antioxidants
and fights cervical cancer.
So you look kinda
dumb right now.
Look, this is gonna be the
summer that I change your life.
And I get to document
it in my book.
I Have the Balls
of an 8-Year-Old.
Elegant, yet sexy.
I'm gonna go to
the bathroom.
You think about it.
I'll be back.
Scream that title again.
What was it?
Shut up.
Denton.
You're my fucking
hero, man.
It's been an honor watching
wet your kilt tonight.
I know you're gonna fuck
all these hot bitches.
How do you know
about that?
Sensei Jackson didn't
tell you about me?
I'm his star pupil, man.
Remember a couple years
back when that guy had to
be cut out of his house.
Yeah.
That was me.
I weighed 750
fucking pounds.
I had to prop my titties up on a
towel rack just to dry them off.
That's about when Sensei
Jackson found me.
Put me on a grueling
training reg.
Had me sucking in his sweet,
delicious power shakes.
He fucking saved
my life, man.
The dude is a saint.
Hey, will you
autograph my cock?
Nope! Hey!
You wanna
get out of here?
Yes, let's.
Hope you two had
a great night.
You're the shit, dude.
The shit!
Free video, free video,
free video, free video,
free video, free video...
Wiggins, Wiggins!
Who's that for?
Me.
Free video, free video...
You work here.
Why would you...
Dude wait, one of your
crushes are coming.
Who?
D man!
What's up, dog?
High.
Low.
Let me see if
you're my bro.
So new release day.
Talk to me.
Any new jizz flicks drop?
Everything new is
in the back, Scott.
Alright, sweet.
I'll be back in a sec
because it only takes me
a minute to sin it.
You remember now, come on.
He seems like a power top.
You into that?
Wiggins.
Dude, I am not hooking
up with a dude, dude.
Okay, well first of all,
if you did, I'm a good
enough friend that I
wouldn't tell anybody.
Second of all, all you
have to do is give him a
little bit of tongue
and just...
I'm not gonna do it, man!
I don't care.
Jackson's gonna have
to figure this out.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'll lose the whole bet.
I don't care.
Hey, what bet you
boys talking about?
Nothing, nothing.
Alright, fuck it
well, I got my MMA.
I got my porno.
I'm ready to jack and jack
off right there, you know.
Hit me.
That's pretty literal.
Okay, we got Ben Her.
Citizen Came.
Woodfellas.
Deep Impact.
No, actually this
one's not a porno.
Did you know that?
I'm a pervert,
not an idiot.
Scott, man.
I can't rent you these.
You've had Stop or My Mom Will
Squirt out for two years.
Man, Denton your my
brother and you know the
last decade's been a bit
of a buttfuck for me.
You know, my MMA career
was going great then I got
busted for being on the
juice and cycled off to
lose the titties and then
I started getting my ass
kicked real bad.
Had to tap out
on the dream.
Listen, okay.
You can rent these, but
you gotta bring them back
before the store
closes, okay man?
You have my word as a
retired man of the cage.
I'll bring these
back safely.
Knock on my wood.
He's full of those, isn't he?
Hey, Denise.
-Hi.
-Hey.
You know what, these
packages keep getting sent
over the video store.
I'm sorry. It's just those guys
messing with you I'm sure.
Sure is, motherfucker.
Boom, bitch!
Dikembe says
not in my house.
Hey, Serge, you wanna
go old school on this
little baby pussy?
-Yeah.
-Hey, guys!
Come on!
No, no, no, no, no!
Does it feel good?
Higher!
Higher!
Hey, hey!
No wonder you've
only at four girls.
You're wearing
boxer shorts.
Bitches love briefs now.
Come on, man.
We're going to H&M.
We'll buy you some.
Clean this shit up, Denise.
Yeah, clean that
shit up, Denise.
Denton, I'm so sorry!
Let me help you.
Thanks.
You know, Denton, we
had homeroom together.
That's right.
-In eleventh grade.
-In eleventh grade.
Yeah.
So I'm gonna take my
fifteen minute break now.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, and that's just enough
time for me to suck you off.
What now?
Bring it up.
Let's dig deep!
Dig in!
Dig in, let's get it!
Let's get it, you
little bitches.
Come on, grandpa.
Pick it up.
Pick it up, Wilfred.
I am number one,
you're right.
Thank you.
Why don't you hop on
a bike, Uncle Jemima?
-Here we go.
-Jesus Christ, man.
Calm down.
What are you rushing the
bloods and the crips, dude?
I'm wearing both colors
to signify unity.
That's kinda cool.
Come on, grandpa.
You can do it.
So funny bit of news.
I just got surprise
fellatio from the
receptionist that
works at Lucas...
Denise Davids?
- Yes!
- Shit.
You are so screwed.
What?
World class
psycho stalker.
You know in school when
those girls made those
origami things to predict
who their soulmate was?
-Yeah?
-She rigged hers.
Rigged the fucking
thing, dude.
Gross.
Yeah, she had one of those
things where like...
You know when one person loves
another person like a lot,
but the other person loves
the other person more.
She got a restraining
order against her.
Okay, okay.
She's nuts for real.
She had her dog baptized.
Hello?
It's her.
Gotcha.
You've reached the
voicemail of Denton.
Leave a message.
Beep.
Not convincing.
I didn't do a
good job at all.
No.
No one's home.
God.
What is that smell?
Denton, Denton, Denton.
You've been busy, girl.
Hey, Serge, Go
wet that bed.
Alright.
Think the tall
fuck's got it in him?
-Nah.
-I'm gonna piss on top.
What the fuck's
going on here?
Who the fuck are you?
What are you doing here?
Tell him what
we're doing here.
We broke in.
Obvious yes, you're
fucking break in.
-Can I talk to you?
-I got this, B.
Can you come here
a little bit?
Are you fucking sure?
He's got a knife.
Yeah, I see that.
It's fine, it's
fine, it's fine!
Well why are you here?
I need information
about this bet.
I wanna ruin their
lives, alright?
I hate Denton.
-I hate him, too.
-Good, good!
Maybe there's a way we
both get what we want.
Two blowjobs.
He's touching my dick.
Here's the deal.
I need information
about this bet.
Every time you find something
out, you give me a call.
I give you cash.
I present to you
Sarah Dawn Samuels.
What is
she doing here?
Well auditioning for
reality TV all day,
only time she has to
work out is at night.
During my shift.
I'm her personal
trainer so to speak.
We've spent some
time together.
Through all that bonding,
I've learned her deepest
desires and
darkest secrets.
Her scent is that of a rose
garden after a midsummer's rain.
She's a siren
in the water.
She calls to me and only
I hold the key to her
soul's relaxation.
It pains me to betray my
lady, but it's for the
good of the bet.
I hold in my hand her
one Achilles' heel.
Or should I say,
Achilles' crotch.
That's a serious
pre-op moose knuckle.
It looks like six
dollar burger.
If it ever gets
out, she's ruined.
Really, Jackson?
We're resorting
to blackmail now.
Yeah, super. Now we're
sexual predators.
Sexual predators?
What are we just walking
the streets looking for
houses for teddy bears in
the window to wander into?
Not in my wildest dreams.
Sorry, baby.
Jackson, just give me...
-Stop, stop it!
-Hi, Sarah.
Stop it!
Jackson!
Hi, Denton.
Hey, dad. What are you
doing up so early?
No time for sleep.
Your stepmother
is getting close.
Yeah, she's...
She's looking sharp.
You know, actually
grab a seat.
I've been meaning
to talk to you.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
So you and second grade...
Amanda Morrison.
Yeah, Amanda.
You guys are spending a lot
of time together this summer.
Yeah, she's
she's really great.
You think she'd be okay
with this whole bet thing
you got going on?
What the hell do I know?
A guy making a woman
out of plastic, right?
Give me the glue,
will you?
Planet of the Apes.
No. No, no, no.
Planet of the Apes
with Marky Mark?
God, God, no!
Sloth from the Goonies!
No, no!
I'm Harry.
I'm Harry from Harry
and the Hendersons.
I've never seen it.
You're kidding me.
You've never seen Harry
and the Hendersons?
No.
God, that was on my
favorite VHS tape.
What are you
talking about?
Yeah, no. Okay...
When I was growing up, my
dad he made us this VHS
tape that had like
six movies on it.
It was made in that super
poor person's speed.
I guess you
weren't poor, okay.
Well it had Blackstar
Fighter, Flight of Dragons,
Beast Master, Monster Squad,
and Harry and the Hendersons.
Hey look...
I've been thinking.
Summer's almost over and
I've had a really great
time hanging out with you.
I know that we are just
friends, but what if we...
We went?
-What if you and I...
-What if you and I...
-Went out?
-If you wanted...
What if you and I went...
On a date?
Are you?
You are, you're
asking me out.
Are you asking me
out on a proper date?
What if I was?
I'd really have to
do the maths on that.
I don't know.
Probably think about it.
Quite frankly, I'm
not attracted to you.
It would be me
doing you a favor.
Really?
You know, were you
in a grease fire
or something because
your face...
Maybe I can change your mind.
Denton!
Where have you been?
Grab me some cans of beer
and a handful of those
grapes and let's get
the hell out of here.
It's cool.
We can pick up where we
left off later on tonight.
-Tonight?
-Yeah!
On our first
official date.
Where?
It's a surprise.
Just pick me up here
later after work.
Okay.
Well thanks a lot, man.
I was just about
to kiss her.
You haven't hooked
up with her yet?
You've seen her fifty
times this summer.
You're gonna fuck this up.
How? What are you
talking about?
You're in love with her.
I am...
That is not...
How would one know though
if they were in love?
Close your eyes.
Okay.
-Imagine yourself fucking her.
-Okay.
Her pants are around her ankles,
she's bent over the bed.
It's really hot, her
hair's kinda tussled.
You just blew a load
right inside her.
-Epic.
-Okay. Alright.
I mean, you've
stained her soul.
What do you wanna do next?
I kinda just wanna cuddle.
Fuck.
How are you supposed to
focus, man, when you're
all fucking puppy dogs
and ice cream upstairs?
Where are we going even?
Hey, guys.
This fucking
guy's gonna do it.
He has eight or nine fucking
bitches there already.
Yeah, I'm telling you.
The guy has a cock like a
fucking gold cock, man.
That's very
unfortunate news, Bob!
It's like a fucking
broken fire hydrant.
You should see
the kid spraying.
This is fucking
jizz fucking city.
And one of these fucking
children, the mother came...
She slipped on the jizz.
You okay? Because if you're
not okay, I'm not okay.
He's doing much better
than I thought he would.
I can't lose this bit
to that lanky fuck.
We gotta get serious,
real serious.
Operation Derailment Serious.
Denise!
Sit down.
You nervous?
No.
-You look nervous.
-Nope.
She look nervous to you?
Definitely looks nervous.
I'm not nervous.
I'm gonna cut
to the chase.
We know you know
about the bet.
We know you're
one of the girls.
And we know you blew
Denton in the lobby.
There's a video.
Serge here has seen it.
Yeah, it was a
sweet fucking BJ.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Here's what you
need to do for me.
Help me win the bit.
How do I help
you win the bit?
I can't unblow him.
Well you're a crazy
super stalker, right?
You got his
passwords and shit.
Just his social media
info, email accounts,
social security number,
home phone, home address,
parent's phone,
parent's address.
I'm gonna stop
you right there.
We actually just need
you to log into one of his
email accounts and send an
email to Amanda Morrison.
Alright?
Pretend to be Denton.
Say it's an emergency.
I don't give a fuck.
However you do it.
Get her over to that garage
battle station that they have.
When she sees what he's
really up to, she's never
gonna talk to him again.
Let alone fuck
him, am I right?
And then we got
this in the bag.
Paper or plastic!
Or bring your own bag and save
the environment or something.
He's just such a good guy.
I don't feel comfortable like
messing up his whole thing.
That's so cute she
thinks she has a choice.
You're gonna feel
comfortable with it or
you're gonna be fired.
Go now psycho.
What are you doing?
Do my bidding.
What are you doing?
Just get the
fuck out of here.
-Okay!
-Get the fuck out of here.
-You just had to say that.
-Go!
I don't understand
you two.
Yo, did you
watch that tape?
Yeah.
Crazy ones can really
suck a dick, am I right?
I know, I'm going to the psych
ward for my next blowjob.
Well this is the place.
Looks like a
fucking shithole.
Wait, Kendra lives here?
Yeah, and she thinks
you're a doctor.
So you're gonna
want to suit up.
I'm getting a disease just
looking at this place.
Are you packing jimmies?
No.
That's okay. I got
plenty in the glove.
Wait a minute, why do you
have a water pistol in your...
That's not an
ordinary water pistol.
It's filled
with your seed.
Why do you have a water pistol
filled with my seed in here?
Well, you know that
place you donate sperm?
Yeah?
Well yeah, I snuck in in
the middle of the night
and grabbed a bunch of
your cum and filled up
this water pistol here.
Why?
Well, you know, just in
case there was some chicks
you couldn't pull down.
It's a contingency plan.
Okay. You know what?
Just give me that back.
-It's my cum.
-I need it.
You know what?
I got money...
-This is important?
-Can I have my...
Give me my cum back!
-Geez.
-Sorry.
You know, I always knew
you'd be successful.
I have great
intuition with men.
Except for the
ones that I marry.
You got a little
one, do you?
-Seven.
-No shit.
Four boys, three girls.
But they're with their
respected fathers tonight.
I thought that it'd be
nice to give us a little
privacy since you were so kind
to take a house call, doctor.
Doctor...
Mhm.
Is so formal.
You know, just
call me Denton.
Just regular old
Denton will do.
So what seems to
be the situation?
Yeah.
My wrist.
It's like really been
giving me trouble.
- It really hurts to...
- Take a look.
Think it could be?
Do you think
you could help?
I do, I do....
Let's have a...
listen to the old ticker.
Yeah, yes.
Yeah.
I've heard this before.
I'm afraid you have
poor circulation.
And I think you could
be in immediate danger.
My!
What should we do?
Well I think we should
probably start by getting
you out of that tight,
restrictive top.
Yeah, maybe even those
tight, tight, tight pants.
Are you sure?
Yes, very sure.
Very sure.
It's the first thing we
learn in doctor school.
That must
have been so hard.
It was.
Yes, it certainly was.
But when you see the look
of pure laughter on a baby
child's face after
a successful brain
appointment it makes
everything worth it.
You know that you're
doing the lord's work.
These hands, I'll tell you,
they've seen some stories.
Denton!
Denton, it's me!
Amanda?
Denton, I got here
as fast as I could.
Is your dad okay?
Mr. B, Mr. B, Mr. B!
-Wake up, wake up, wake up!
-Damn you, Phil Collins!
Amanda Morrison is here.
-Who?
-Second grade!
Denton, are you in there?
No, no!
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
One second.
I gotta put my
pants back on.
Me too, me too.
Denton, are you home?
What the hell is this?
Fuck me, Scott.
No, I'm Denton.
No, no, Scott's my fianc.
Did you just finish?
No, I don't...
Wait, you have a fianc?
Of course you
have a fianc.
Kendra, I'm home.
Give me a beer.
Make sure it's cold as shit from
that new fridge, you know?
Hey, Denton!
What ya doing here, boy?
It's great to see you.
Wait a minute, you're not
here for them movies, is ya?
Because you know, I really
do need a little more time
on those, you
know, but...
Wait a minute, why
is she in her undies?
And why does grandpa
have a chubbie?
Bing!
Grandpa!
Did my woman suck
this man's cock?
No.
Sucked it real good.
-You!
-You seen it?
Licked his
pooper hole, too.
His butthole.
No, Scott.
My butthole is
unlicked today.
You little adulterer,
coming into my beautiful home,
making my angel eat
at your gas station.
I got some bad, bad
news for you, boy.
Your timing's all sorts of
shit because I'm back on
the juice, motherfucker.
I'm sorry, doc.
He's gonna fuck you up.
-Yeah, that's right.
-Scott, Scott!
Just calm down
for just a second.
Yeah, yeah.
What you got,
what you got?
Fuck that shit, boy.
Come on, bring it on.
Come on, dog.
Cool your motherfucking
jets, Scott.
What are you gonna do?
Shoot me with a water gun?
Do not make me
pull this trigger.
Go time!
Wiggins! Dad!
You're not gonna
believe this.
I just hooked up with
Kendra and I shot a load
into Scott's mouth.
What?
Well not technically
I didn't shoot...
No, no, no,
technically I did.
It doesn't matter!
The point is...
I'm about to win
this fucking...
Bet?
I'm part of a bet?
Look, look, look...
- I can explain.
- You can explain?
I don't think that
needs explanation.
This is disgusting.
Are you kidding right now?
Don't touch me!
I am so freaked
out right now.
I never want to
see you again.
Don't say that.
Amanda, please...
Don't.
Who are you?
Yeah, man...
Who are you?
Heard the big news.
You fucked it all up.
I gotta admit, for a
second there you had me
genuinely concerned.
Nine girls, one guy.
Not bad.
I tip my dick to you, sir.
You actually came here
just to be a dick to me?
Listen to me, you
quivering pussy.
This bet was your shot.
I gave it to you on a
silver fucking platter.
But you, as you do, kept
up the family tradition.
Failure.
So I think my family can't
take anything else from
your family.
My dad takes your
dad's company.
I take this shithole you
call a video store, and
then tomorrow when you
lose that bet, I'm gonna
make you and
daddy homeless.
You know why?
Cause you and all your
little friends, you're all
a bunch of
fucking weirdos.
I win, you lose.
Suck my dick.
See you at the
game tomorrow.
You can sick my dick.
...watching anime porn
and I catch the dude...
What the fuck are
you doing, man?
What's it look like
I'm doing, Jackson?
Okay, dude, chill. Clearly you
just need to talk about...
Talk about what, Ed?
How you two
ruined my life?
Dude, you were this close
to winning the bet.
Don't you dare
back out now.
I don't fucking
care about the bet.
I don't care
about the bet.
I've lost the only
person I wanna be with.
-Scott Quaker.
-God...
It's not, I didn't...
God damnit!
What? She'll understand, right?
We'll just go by her
house, explain the
situation she'll get it.
She'll understand what, Ed?
That she was right?
She's part of some stupid bet
that my friends got me into.
I cannot believe I let you
guys convince me to do this.
Fuck you.
Fuck me?
Dude, you sit here all day
bitching and moaning about
your life and things
that happen to you.
Be it girls, or your job.
Man, fuck, even us!
And when shit doesn't go
your way, you go on the
fucking rag and just bitch about
how shit Denton's life is.
Back me up on
this, Wiggins.
I still wet the bed.
I can't really talk.
God damn shame.
Are you kidding me?
How shit my life is?
Jackson, when's the last time
you hooked up with a chick?
What was it years?
And by the way,
your shakes suck.
And you, Ed?
You are so full of shit.
You're this love guru,
but except the only girl
you've ever been
with you married.
You two have been living
vicariously through me,
but it's not you who
has the shit life.
It's me!
Get out.
Just get out of here.
All of you.
And take this
trash with you.
Come on, Wiggins.
Wiggins, get out here.
-Get the fuck out!
-Wiggins!
Wiggins, get the
fuck out of here!
You've upset Wiggins.
Wiggins, go.
He's a fucking mess.
I'll leave you one.
I'll leave you one.
Go!
Wiggins is my friend now.
He's...
Get out, get out!
D-dad.
Not you, you
don't have to go.
I refuse to let the lovely
Legos lose her virginity
in this den of sadness.
You need to be alone
right now anyway, son.
You got a lot
to think about.
Your dad's coming.
Yeah.
How'd it go
with lady Lego?
It was horrible.
We all went to the
field last night.
He got butt naked and made
us all gather around her
as he mounted her right
over there on home plate.
On first thrust, she
exploded into a million pieces.
He just sat there defeated as
his bruised old boner went limp.
Saddest shit
I've ever seen.
Well, well, well...
Look at these
video fun fucks.
You guys excited?
You like the smell of the
field, the cut grass,
the stands full of quivering
lady pussies waiting
for the B dog to
satisfy them??
God, I wanted to see you
guys lose, but to see you
lose in front of a packed house,
life is fucking sweet.
Like brown sugar
on white pussy.
Hey look, y'all, President
and CEO of Goldman Nutsucks.
Sorry, guys, I don't
speak poor person.
Mary Kate.
Ashley.
You ladies eighteen yet?
Jackson, I know you're
gonna miss this most so
really try and
enjoy it, okay?
Good luck out
there, ladies.
He almost hit that truck.
Gentlemen.
It's been an honor serving
with you on that battlefield.
You fought like warrior
poets in the days of old,
but I ask you one last
time to fight with me.
Can you do that?
Fight with me!
Spit on me.
I got some in my mouth.
Thanks for coming out, folks,
to the last game of the season.
It's gonna be a doozey.
Now batting, Jackson Price.
What's in this?
Jackson's shake
masterpiece.
The final cuntdown.
That was a good pitch.
There's something I need
to talk to you about.
Yeah?
What is that?
Balls on chin.
Dude, I'm not in the mood
for jokes right now, man.
Remember the tri-county
little league championships?
Yeah, yeah.
Who could forget?
You got hit in the face
twice in one game.
Taking those two balls
to the chin was the best
thing I ever did.
Why, what do you mean?
Everyone knew I wasn't
gonna get on base and if I
struck out, which I
was going to, the game
would've been over, right?
My only option to get on base
was to get hit by a pitch.
Wait a minute, you
did that on purpose?
Yeah, I had to drink through
a straw for three months and
it was worth it.
We won because I didn't
accept the shitty hand of
cards that fate dealt me.
I took destiny
into my own hands.
Old man opportunity
knocked, the sixth grade
version of myself answered
the door, and then I took
his two balls on my chin.
No, no! No, no, no!
Run, run.
Where's your glove?
Where's your glove?
Safe.
Good lead off, red.
Fuck all your mothers.
All of them.
You're up, D.
Let's light this bitch up.
On your games, boys.
Now batting, Denton Baker.
Son of a bitch.
Dude, you suck.
Strike.
You know what, Lucas?
You want some esse?
According to this
contract, the bet's not
over til the end of
this season, right?
Yeah.
Well there's still eight innings
left to win this thing.
-Okay, okay.
-Hey, Jackson.
Game's not over, boys!
You're right.
I have been a pussy.
I need you to
stall this game.
Help!
My jockstrap is
twisted around my balls.
Come on.
Delay of game, blue!
You know, I wanted to wear
it like Maris did during
his 61 homerun season.
I read that he did that on
the back of his baseball card.
This is bullshit, Jackson.
I'm a bit of a
card collector.
Tops.
Hey, focus!
Don't look at him!
Look at me.
Don't look at me.
Fleer, Waxpacks.
Where you going?
To take a set of
balls on the chin.
What?
What, is he gay now?
No, no, it's a metaphor.
Honis Wagner of
the Honis Wanger card.
Blue!
-Delay of game.
-Wayne Gretsky.
God!
It's like a
hangman's noose!
And that was the Sneeches
by Dr. Seuss.
Do you guys know what the
moral of the story is?
The moral of the story is
that there was this one
boy sneech who
was confused.
What are you doing?
There was this girl sneech who
was amazing and beautiful and
funny and confident in who she
is and he thought to himself.
He thought, you know what?
You know what I need?
I need, I need, I need a
couple stars under my belt
to really impress
this girl.
The girl sneech.
So he goes over to his boys in
Whoville and he says to them...
They were like, you
know what, dude?
You need, you need
to be confident.
You need to be like
the Cat in the Hat.
So he goes over and he
slams some beers with
Thing 1 and Thing 2, he
hits the town, he hooks up
with a bunch of chicks.
That's not who he is.
That's not what
he's about.
He's more like the
Lorax in reality.
Planting grickle grass,
and climbing truckular
trees, and smoking cheese
with the Barbaluts.
What are you
trying to say?
Amanda, I fell in love
with you this summer.
I screwed it up.
I just screwed it up.
But you need to know that
the man that I was when I
was with you, that's
who I really am.
Yeah, the sneech may have
stolen a blind girl's
glasses and shot a jizz
pistol in a dude's mouth.
That happened.
That did.
I'm not asking you
for a second chance.
If this is the last time
I get to see you then I
understand, but you need
to know that from now on
I'm gonna be
who I really am.
Who I always was.
The sneech knows where
his real star is.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm so lonely.
How we doing, boys?
Good, man. Bottom of nine,
all tied up.
How'd it go?
Not the
smoothest actually.
But atleast I
came clean to her.
Yeah, well you're a better
man for it and all that.
Right.
You're up, D.
Here we go!
Here we go!
Big D.
Here we go.
Move it back.
Here we go.
-Big hitter, big hitter!
-Denton.
Let's go.
Dead man walking.
Everyone's getting
fucked in the ass.
I'm gonna fuck so many
bitches in your house,
it's gonna be disgusting.
Every single one of these fucks
is getting fucked in the ass.
Yeah, you're whole bedroom is
gonna be painted in my semen.
Time out!
Are you...
Hey, hi, hi!
Denton, did you really
mean what you said?
It's the most honest
I've been all summer.
This is bullshit.
Is this bet really
that important to you?
No.
Come on.
It's not as important
as being with you.
Let's play ball.
I gotta full on
Louisville Chubber.
Me too.
-Now go win this game.
-Okay.
Hey, Amanda?
Hi, Amanda Morrison?
-Yeah.
-I'm Denise Davids.
You don't know me.
Listen, I'm not
gonna hurt you, okay?
I do have to show you
something right now.
It's important.
You may not like it.
But you might.
Here we go, D.
Knock his cock right
off of his body.
We want pain, we
wanna see blood.
-Here we go!
-Alright.
Let's see what you got.
This one's for you, daddy.
Son, I'm so
proud of you.
Here we go, D.
Right in his pussy.
Right in his pussy.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Big hitter, big hitter.
You always made me proud,
and you know what,
your momma was proud, too.
Yo, B, we got a problem, dog.
Don't answer it.
Shut up.
Last night's movie leaked.
Are you shitting me?
Is this train
going to Paris?
Why indeed it is, ma'am.
All aboard.
Next stop, the
Eiffel Tower.
I love big, erect things.
Well you are in luck, ma'am,
because we have two.
Let's get a moving here.
My god.
Full steam ahead!
Fuck what you stand for!
Fuck everything
that you like!
Yes!
You fucking...
You little son of a bitch!
Shut the fuck up, old man!
Hey, you know
what, Jackson?
You can have the game.
You'll never play in
this league again.
Denton lost the
fucking bet.
Actually, Lucas,
no, he didn't.
You're bitch 11.
He's still one bitch shy.
That means your
house is mine.
And I'm gonna burn it to
the goddamn ground right
after I take a
huge shit in it.
Denise.
I think you have one more
text message to send.
What?
For our next motion picture,
the Pole Her Express.
Is this train going
to the south pole?
It isn't, ma'am, but
you can go south on my pole.
Let me slide
on down here.
Lord, here we go.
Santa's dropping his load.
That's a whole lot of egg nog.
You're welcome.
Merry Christmas to you.
Twelve girls in one summer.
Damn!
As my first official act
as the new CEO of Mr. B's
Gourmet Condoms...
Mr. Lucas, you're
fucking fired.
Brandon, you are
super fucking fired.
What the hell is
going on?
The contact signed
by Brandon himself.
Daddy, I can explain.
You goddamn fucking moron!
Daddy, I'm sorry!
You greedy little shit.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
-Jesus fucking...
Yeah, that's right.
You guys can suck
our black dicks.
Yeah, man. You can suck
all our black dicks.
That's right, boy.
Now as my second official
act as the CEO, I intend
to return the company back to
its original owner and creator.
The world's
greatest inventor.
My dad.
-Me?
-Yes.
-You're giving it to me?
-Yes
- Me? My god.
- Yeah.
I kinda have a
thing for inventors.
-And you.
-No.
But there's still
something that I owe you.
Boom!
Dad! Dad?
That's right, Brandon.
We throw low around here.
Rain jimmies on these bitches.
Get 'em up!
Throw 'em up!
All of them!
Get all of them!
Look, Amanda, about these
last couple months.
Screw your past.
Besides, I still haven't
told you about my summer.
What?
So let me get
this straight.
You own the company.
Yup.
You stole the company.
Yup.
You won it back because
your son won a bet where
he had to sleep with
twelve girls in a summer.
A whole summer.
You nailed it.
Gluten free.
Gluten free.
Reverse Egyptian suplex!
He's going for the pin!
-One!
-Two!
-Three!
THE BE -And it's all over!
THE BE -What an absolute war that was!
THE BE -Okay wrestling fans,
THE BE -it's time for the main event.
After years of heartbreak,
unfulfilled dreams and
shattered confidence, this
young man will finally
have one last shot
at the world title.
Does he have any chance?
If you ask this announcer,
he's fucked.
Dude, thanks for bogarting
all these sweet wrestling
DVDs from work.
Yeah dude.
I'd rather you have them
than see them getting
thrown out when
the store closes.
Keep an
eye on dad tonight.
He hasn't been the same since
we moved into the garage.
No problem.
Good luck on your date.
Maybe she'll let you
sniff her butthole.
It's just dinner, dude.
Hey Mr. B, what you
working on over there?
Completing the
perfect woman.
I look forward
to meeting her.
I already got started,
I hope you don't mind.
Just need to get my
drink on tonight.
Well I get getting your
drink on this evening.
This is a really beautiful
place you picked.
I am starving. I mean
I could eat a horse.
That's funny.
Let's see do they have horse,
I'm checking.
No, no! They have 30
dollar soup though.
So, I feel like I've
been totally talking
your face off about me.
No.
Tell me more about you.
I...
work at a video store.
People still rent movies?
Well, no actually.
That's kind of
the problem.
I dunno, I think it's kind of
sad that people don't go
to video stores anymore.
It's kind of an Americana
kind of, sort of thing.
I dunno. Going...
Brandon?
No, I'm Denton.
Shaniqua?
Danielle!
Holy shit, I don't care.
Come here, come here.
So good to see you!
-You look fucking amazing.
-Thank you.
-Hey, Brandon, this is Denton.
-Denton!
On a date with
a real girl?
Good for you, buddy.
It's just kind of like a
blind date sort of thing.
It's going bad.
I'm right here.
I figured as much.
Hey, you know what, I made
some improvements to the
old choo-choo train, if
you want to, come.
For like a ride, you know.
Meet me in the parking lot.
That a girl.
Okay so, thank you so much
this has been really great.
- Yeah.
- And yeah.
Good luck with the whole
video store job thingy.
-Thank you.
-Okay, bye!
Hey, cancel my drink?
Later, Denton!
Whenever you're
ready, chief.
It's all over folks!
He fucked that one up!
That was awesome.
Dad.
Come on, come on.
Let's go to bed?
Come on, let's go to bed.
So, how was the big date?
It was not good.
It was not, in fact,
it was pretty terrible.
Well, life is a
series of miserable dates.
Terrific.
Now Batting, Jackson Price.
I got one.
Kendra McNulty.
Kendra McNulty.
She was fine and she
would've got that root.
That was a God damn ball!
Those fucks paid
off the ump again.
Ed, stat me.
Well according to this,
"Dyke Piazza," you're 0 and 4
for the entire day, so it
looks like all that money
you spent on glare
protection is really
working out for you.
Bullshit!
What the hell is this?
It's a list of all
the hottest girls
we went to school with.
Kendra McNulty?
Please.
You want to talk about
fine middle school puss?
Hayley Matthews.
Yeah.
Hayley Matthews, yo, that
was the first girl in our
grade to have sex, right?
Hell yeah. She sucked
off Danny Clarke
on the 8th grade
field trip.
No, that was
Mikey Milligan.
How do you know?
'Cause I was sitting
in between them.
She leaned over your
dick to suck his?
Oof.
I cannot believe you
let her do a flyover.
Next time a girl
tries to do that?
Air pocket.
Bring her down.
If I could do it all over
again, I would have a
vault of vag to dive into.
They would call
me Scrooge McFuck.
I literally don't think
anyone would call you that.
A couple people might.
You guys talking
Duck Tales?
Wait, apologies for getting you
wet with a cartoon analogy.
But can you please
not interrupt serious
conversations about pussy?
Hey Denton, what
do you think?
You wanna send one of your
ladies out here so we can
end this and go home?
I got hot yoga!
I want him dead.
Wiggins, get up there and
smash the ball down that
motherfucker's throat.
Will do, coach.
Here we go.
Do it, Ken Spiffy Junior.
Two for two.
Good hustle, good hustle,
Wiggins.
Good hustle.
Dropping dimes, Brandon.
Now batting, Wiggins.
Come on dude, really?
You're gonna text
during the game?
It's called sexting
you fucking nerd.
Yeah?
Is it pre-paid?
No. It's unlimited
like your mom.
-Strike!
-Shit!
Jackson, you
gotta chill dude.
Have you forgotten?
When old man Lucas shuts
down the video store,
our team goes with it.
Look at that old
fuck out there.
Rubbing our faces
in his shit.
Our faces right
in his shit!
Eddie, honey.
I just finished my work
out, but I'm going to go
pick up a six pack.
We're still watching the
game tonight, right?
Absolutely, baby.
-Alright.
-Alright, see you tonight.
Love you!
I would totally
go big on your wife.
Strike three!
Goin' down swinging,
like your girlfriend
on my dick last night.
Joke's on you, I don't
have a girlfriend.
Horribly embarrassing.
Bring it in.
You guys suck dick.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you, madam, fuck you...
You so want to bone her.
Always have.
Always will.
Hey.
You checking out my
mom's ass, perverts?
-Yeah.
-No.
I thought that was
your step mom's ass.
Fuck you, Jackson.
You fucking Ewok.
By the way, I saw
your game today.
0 for 4, nice.
What's this?
Hand that to me.
You're making a list of
all the girls you wish you
fucked in school.
That's hilarious, 'cause I
have a list of girls I did
fuck in school.
Serge here's seen it.
It's a big fuckin' list!
Hey, Denton could fuck
every girl on that list.
Let the man speak.
So you think Denton could get
through this whole list?
Every name? Could you
do that, Denton?
I didn't say anything,
I... maybe her.
God, I smell a
bet coming on.
I wish any of you fuckers
had anything of value.
Anything.
I'd drain you for
every penny.
In the meantime, we've
got a train to catch.
Enjoy tickling each
others' pussies, ladies.
Pussy!
Woo woo!
This place is jumping.
How do you have
any movies left?
What's up guys,
how you doing?
Good, we're just doing some
man stuff around the corner.
Figured we'd stop
by, say what's up.
'Sup.
We still on for
Taco Tuesdays?
God, yes, please.
Nice. Any chance we can
push that up a little bit?
I have a training
sesh at night.
A training "sesh?"
Yeah, it's short for session.
Okay.
Who you training tonight?
I haven't decided yet.
Hi! Hey, how's it going.
How's it going?
Yeah.
Why don't you smell that.
Smell it.
What does that
smell like to you?
Kind of like an envelope.
It smells like a
sweaty asshole.
Here, try this one.
Dude, all of your movies
smell like a fuckin' asshole.
-Smells like a butthole.
-Really, I...
Now my player smells
like a fuckin' asshole.
You guys sitting
on this shit?
Delivery for Lucas
Gourmet Condoms.
You know what,
actually that goes across
the street to the
company over there.
They're not getting stuff here
'til the end of the summer.
Those fuckers are getting
packages here already?
I don't give two shits.
This is what it
says on the package,
this is where
I'm dropping it.
Hey, why don't you
smell this thing?
What does that
smell like to you?
Smells like...
wet dirty assholes.
What the fuck are
you guys doing here?
Denton, what's up?
Hi, Br...
Denise.
That was close,
you almost had it.
Sorry, you guys are
actually already having
packages delivered
to the video store.
Sorry.
Denise!
One second.
Okay, I'll
send him back.
Hey!
Yes?
Mr. Lucas wants
to see you.
He's in Brandon's office.
Okay, just right
around the corner.
H-how does
he know I'm here?
'Cause they're watching,
and you have your Taco
Tuesday with your friends
later at La Cabaa.
H-how did you know that?
Good luck with
the old man, okay?
It'll be fine.
Hey!
Denton!
What's up, man?
I meant to say
congratulations
on fucking Danielle.
That's awesome.
I didn't, I didn't.
I'm sorry, wait, wait.
That was me.
I fucked her. Twice.
We filmed it, actually.
What was the
movie called?
"The Great
Train Blowjobbery."
Gimme all your cum, man!
Did Danielle know you
that you were filming her?
What are you,
fucking stupid?
Like we asked
permission to film her?
Train porno.
It's the world's
fastest growing fetish.
We're the Lucas and
Sergeberg of the genre.
"Shagheart Express,"
"Missionary: Possible,"
"Me Hard On The
Orient Express."
"Trains, Planes, and
Cock Is Your Meal."
Fucking classics, bro.
Amen, sister.
Tell him Mr. Lucas
said "fuck you!"
Denton.
I'm glad you came by.
It's a big day, man.
After my groundbreaking
career in the flavored
jimmy biz, I'll be retiring
at the end of the summer.
So Brandon's you're new
point person in regards to
the takeover.
Now I want my product in
that bullshit video store
within ninety days.
Yes, sir.
We've started our move out and
we will be out on time.
You damn well better.
You know, you should've just
closed that shithole today.
I mean, what the hell have
you wasted your whole damn
life for in there?
Well it means
something to me, sir.
I can remember all of the
best times growing up
going to that video
store and...
I made all my best
friends there.
And I know people don't rent
at a video store anymore.
I know that's kinda in the past,
but it's made me who I am.
A huge pussy.
Shit!
Hit him with the low, dog.
Alright, alright. Son, you're
either born a loser or a winner.
Take Brandon here.
The day his momma shit him
out of her vag hole...
God rest her soul.
He hit the ground a winner.
Now, Serge on
the other hand.
I'm a real fuck up.
Well, let me tell
you what success is.
You see, I wake up in the
morning, I slam me down a
Red Bull and some vodka.
Go clubbing with
some young poon.
Take me some viagras.
And at the end of the
night, I squeeze me some
of the finest little young
tatas money can buy.
They're very big.
You see, I can
smells success.
Just like the
old man?
Not a friggin'
wiff of it on you.
You know what?
Give these to
your old man.
That's barbeque flavor,
that's his favorite.
Give him something.
Anything.
As far as you two, don't forget,
promotional party tonight.
Peppermint Zebra.
First lap dance is on me.
Yeah, daddy!
The second lap
dance is on me, too!
Honey, it's 1 o'clock.
It's time for our
couples' mani-pedi.
Hi, Denton.
Hi, Kirsten.
Hey, it's Mrs.
Lucas to you.
Mhm.
Mani-pedi headache
here we go.
Woo!
Baker!
Where the fuck you
think you're going?
Sit down.
Are you done
being mean to me?
I got a present for you.
It's a go, bitch.
You tell your little butt
buddies at that stupid
video store that the CEO
of Lucas' Gourmet Condoms
signed off on everything.
Rosenburg drew
it up in legal.
He's a Jew so I assume it's
binding and everything.
You know?
I'm gonna watch you fail
and I'm gonna love every
second of it.
Every damn second of it.
Is that...
Did you...
Can I go now?
Get the fuck out of here.
Let's the game begin.
-Cocksmoker!
-Better.
What the hell is this?
There he is!
That you, lucky
motherfucker, is a legal
and binding document.
That's right. Me and Jackson sat
down with Lucas' legal team
this morning and hammered
out all the details.
I have to sleep with
twelve girls this summer
or the Lucas'
get my house?
Well, you're renting your
house to that asshole, Bob.
Technically, you
live in the garage.
What are you guys
lawyers now?
Well I actually had a lawyer
look over the details.
Hello! Offices of
Charles McDee.
And he may or may
not be my uncle.
A contract?
Yeah, yeah.
You good, man.
You're good.
But don't worry, man.
We did all the
legwork for you.
My god.
That, my friend, is nine
of your school crushes.
You actually picked out
most of them yourself.
Wait, what are the
two empty slots for?
You get to pick the
two wild card bitches.
That's right. As long as we
can prove you went to school
with them, you can decide
whoever you want.
Well now I think it's time
for a celebratory shake.
-Gentlemen? Yeah?
-No.
100% alright.
Thanks though.
What the fuck's
going on here?
-Sorry, Bob.
-Sorry, Bob.
Sorry is right, you
sorry motherfuckers.
What's those white bitches
doing on the wall?
These are all the girls that
Denton went to school with?
Yeah, he's
gonna fuck them.
He's gonna fuck them?
That guy is going
to fuck them?
He's going to get fucked?
You don't necessarily have to
sleep with them so you know.
No, you just
gotta bust a fat nut.
It doesn't matter how.
Handy, beej,
missionary.
Old country,
doggie, bukkake.
Gang bang, facial, 69.
Cum dump truck,
shitty kitty.
Yo, I like that one.
Shitty kitty,
shitty kitty.
Or Siberian jizzsicle.
You know what I like?
Fucking Nigerian
cocksicle.
That's what I like.
The drill this shit out of
your big dry fucking asses.
-Bye, Bob.
-Bye, Bob.
-Thanks.
-Fuck you.
That's right. We just need
to have solid evidence
of each hookup.
Guys, I can't do this.
This is your chance, D.
Your biological cock
is ticking, man.
Dude, if you do this, you
get 100% of the Lucas
Gourmet Condom company.
You get everything.
All associated
properties and holdings.
The video store stays open
and we can still play ball.
Can't lose the team, D.
Jackson might
kill himself.
And after what Mr.
Lucas did to your dad.
Think about it.
Hey, champ.
Hey, Mr. Blossy.
How you doing?
-Hey, kid.
-Hi.
Is your dad home?
Nope.
Don't think he's, no.
Is everything okay?
No, no.
Your dad's been stealing
my son's Legos.
What?
Are you sure?
I've been picking
them up all day.
Legos.
From my house
to your house.
He's...
He's had a rough go of it.
Well I think he's
getting worse.
Maybe those assholes
were right.
Fuck yeah we are.
Get up, man.
You got chicks to do.
Wait a minute, what is Scott
Quaker doing up there?
You're gonna
laugh at this.
He's actually one
of your dates.
-No! No, no.
-Okay, look!
For two of the dates you
only have to kiss.
It's supposed to
be twelve girls.
You and Snot Shaker were
inseparable in the third grade.
Everybody knows you
had a crush on him.
Lucas wouldn't budge.
I didn't have
a crush on him.
Listen, guys didn't even
like girls in the third grade.
I loved pussy in
the third grade.
Ask Wiggins.
Yeah, it was pretty gross.
Here's the docs here
for your first date.
We pick the
sluttiest one first.
Seventh grade,
Haley Matthews?
I haven't even talked to
her in like fifteen years.
Surprise again.
You've actually been talking
to her all day online.
We told her you ride a
Harley though because
she's into bad boys.
You sold me as a bad
boy to Haley Matthews?
How am I actually gonna
impress a girl like that?
This, Denton, clearly
isn't doing the trick.
Fuck no.
But, I mean, what's
wrong with me?
I'm fine, right?
Okay, I guess I'll start....
You don't put any
product in your hair.
You're always talking
about bands that
no one's ever heard of.
Like I'm sorry, guys, but
who the fuck is Black Sabbath?
Yeah, man. You live
in a garage.
Wiggins, you live
in a garage with me.
Yeah.
You're gonna have
to shave your shaft.
Your taint, your grundle,
your satchel page.
You gotta be as bald as
a Scandinavian turtle.
It's gotta fucking shine.
I gotta see my face in
your right nut, man.
Look, I'm dressed like a
Crip's stepfather right now.
Does it matter?
No, because I'm confident.
You just gotta be
confident in who you are.
Or in this case,
who you are not.
Look man, I get it.
You're in a rut.
Are you gonna do
something about it?
If you're not gonna
do it for you...
Alright, let's do it.
-Fuck yeah.
-Nice.
Hi...
I'm sorry, is
this 264 Pacific?
Denton!
-Hi.
-Hi, Hailey!
My god, you
look so great.
You look, I can't tell.
I know, right? I mean,
who would've thought?
Not me.
Where's your Harley?
Yeah, it's in the shop.
Seat's broken.
Well, we're
all ready to go.
We?
Rolling Rocks tonight, baby!
My therapist thought it
would be a good idea if I
had a major life change.
So here I am.
This was...
This is a big one.
Yeah, started a pretty sweet
softball team with my buddies.
My dad's building a
woman out of Legos.
I sell my sperm
at a sperm bank.
I thought you were
a cage fighter.
Yeah.
Here's the interesting
part of the story.
Well...
The best part of the story
is coming right now.
I was living in this
apartment and there was
this old Asian
handyman who taught me to
paint fences
and wash cars.
Stuff like that.
So you know what?
I was like, this sucks.
Being a teen with problems
and no direction, this is
not the life I want.
But you know, turns out he
was a martial arts master
and he taught
me a few things.
A blonde kid with
feathered hair gave me a
rash of shit and
I was like...
Let's enter a tournament
together of karate.
And I craned kicked
him in the face.
And that sorta thing just,
you know, naturally leads
to cage fighting.
That's so cool.
Yeah.
What's your
finishing move?
Finishing move,
finishing move is the...
head butt to the nuts.
Yeah, I get a handful of
those nards and just
boom, boom, boom, boom.
Six or seven times...
So you have a girlfriend
or a wife or something?
Nah, I don't need the ag.
You know?
Yeah, it's just my
chopper, cage, and tats.
Tattoos?
Yup, yup.
Yeah, it's a
full back piece.
Yeah, hour's work.
It's a yakuza tattoo.
Yeah, but instead
of a samurai,
it's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Squat thrusting Mars.
I've got to see that.
Sorry, I can't, baby.
No, can't do it.
What?
Yeah, it melted off in
the explosion when I was
escaping the state pen.
My god, that is so hot.
What is it?
The sisters warned
me this could happen.
What? What could happen?
Sisters.
I will never forget the
time we've spent together.
Your life lessons and
blessings will stay with
me all the days
of my life.
Unfortunately, the
exorcism performed on my
devil pussy has failed.
I want you to fuck
me until I tap out.
Holy shit.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah!
Your knee's on my neck.
I'm sorry.
Eleven to go, boys!
-Yes!
-Yes!
Nice.
Details, details, details!
It was not real.
She did like porno stuff.
Of course.
Butthole?
Yours?
Butthole, butthole,
butthole, butthole,
butthole, butthole!
Yeah!
Big D's gonna go big
over all you bitches.
It's everywhere.
It's in your mouth.
It's in your
fucking mouth.
I would tongue
kiss Leo DiCaprio.
What are you saying?
He has supple lips, it's
possible that whenever...
D, straight up
now tell me.
Did you really fuck
clap trap Matthews?
That's disgusting.
Hope you double
bagged it, man.
But because I'm a
gentlemen and a scholar,
I got you a little present.
Rain jimmies
on this bitch.
No. Come on.
Just stop it.
Hey, gram this.
I wanna keep it.
Hashtag blessed.
Hashtag clean these
up you fucking idiots.
Wiggins, hand me a condom.
Brussel sprouts or
Thai Sweet Chili?
Thai Sweet Chili.
Alright, guys.
Let's throw some greenery on
that scenery for Destiny.
Welcome to church,
gentlemen.
Remember, Ed said smart
girls want to be hot and
hot girls want
to be smart.
What the fuck
does Ed know?
He's home with his wife.
You must be really good at
math to be able to count
up all those ones.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, it can be really
hard to keep track of
especially if people throw in
fives when they really like me.
That's a valid point.
Did you wanna
get a lap dance?
They're two for
one right now.
That means that you get
two lap dances, but you
only pay for one.
You are good at math.
That's...
I would love one.
Two.
I've just received news
from the other side.
The dark lord has special
instructions for us.
No, how's he doing?
He's well and says
thank you for asking.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
I'm getting a message from
the dark lord himself
right now.
What news does he bring?
He says that we should
consummate our unholy
tryst on this unhallowed
ground this very eve.
-He does?
-Mhm, yes.
Yes, he does.
Then you must be
the chosen one.
I am totally that guy.
Then we must commence
this ritual immediately.
Okay.
Here, put this on.
The neighbors are always
complaining about the noise.
It'll just take a minute.
Don't worry.
It only hurts
a little bit.
You ready?
You ready?
Let's go.
Carly.
Carly.
Hey.
That's a big dragon?
These are big sharp teeth?
What does he say?
-Rawr!
-Rawr!
Excuse me, sir.
Can I help you
with something?
No, I'm just checking
out this hot chick.
You know what?
No, no, I love kids.
I don't love...
They love...
Sh... Hey!
Hi.
My god, Denton?
- My god.
- Denton Baker?
From Abrams
Elementary, right?
Yeah, Amanda Morrison.
Look at...
You got tall.
You're, you're big.
God, that is crazy.
I can't believe you still
hang out with those guys.
What is Jackson up to?
Jackson thinks he's
a personal trainer.
-Wait, what?
-Yeah, yeah.
He got in shape?
No, no, he did not.
He just he works the
graveyard shift at the
24-hour gym.
So like one person comes
in and he's like I'm
personally training them.
Okay, that makes
more sense.
Yeah.
What about you?
What have you been up to?
Where are you working now?
I got into
cage fighting.
Really? Cage like...
No, you didn't.
Seriously, where
are you working?
Actually I'm in
the movie business.
That's even worse
than cage fighting.
Well, it's kinda true.
I still work at
Video Fun Time.
Really?
Still?
Yeah.
Well, not for much longer
actually because the Lucas'
bought out the building for
their gourmet condom business.
That is...
-That's disgusting.
-Yeah.
Well this is me.
So super cool bumping
into you, Denton.
You know what?
Would you wanna continue
this conversation sometime?
Nope.
Is that a...
-What...
-Yes.
Yeah, I'd love to
catch up some more.
Cool, cool.
How's 8 tonight?
Is that...
Yeah, sure!
We can get that
cup of coffee.
Cool.
Here, let me...
Meet me here.
Stop looking at
my cock, man.
I'm not.
You're peeing on
the bathroom side.
I'm doing dishes
on the right side.
Where the fuck
have you been?
Well I'm sorry,
Schwartzkopf.
I was busy playing
stalker at the daycare.
In fact, I'm lucky I
didn't get arrested.
Yeah, that
Morrison chick.
How's she looking
nowadays?
Great, yeah.
She seems really
cool, too.
Yeah? How'd you hit that?
HJ?
No, I did not.
You know, BJ?
No.
- FJ?
- Get off me.
Did you get one
of those FJ's?
I did not get...
I didn't get an FJ.
I didn't have quite the
time that I needed.
I couldn't close the
deal, but right now,
I'm actually going
to see Amanda.
But this is a
mandatory meeting.
You can do this
one without me.
I swear to god, you're
doing amazing work.
Goodbye.
Denton, remember to be the man,
you have to beat off the man.
It's beat the man.
If you want to be the man,
you have to beat the man.
You don't wanna
beat him off.
Yeah.
But do you remember
that story that
you got up in front of the
entire second grade class
and you read it out
loud to everybody?
Yeah.
I can't believe
you remember that.
Of course I do.
Donny the Lucky Donkey.
Actually it was the Donny,
the Down on His Luck Donkey.
How come? How did you
never get married?
Well my dad was in the
coast guard so we moved
around a lot when I was a kid
and then I guess after I got
my teaching degree, I carried
on the family tradition.
So you're saying
you're a gypsy?
No, I'm not a gypsy.
Sounds like what
a gypsy would say.
No, my girlfriends are all
getting married and having
kids and I'm just happy
that I've finally found a
place to settle
down and write.
So you're a writer?
Well I'm writing a book.
It's a self-help book
about how parents aren't
really instilling enough
self-confidence in their
kids and the affect that
it has on them later on in
their adult lives.
What about you?
It's hard to go out and
date when you're living in
a garage with your dad.
That's hysterical.
God, you're
really serious.
Kinda.
How did that happen?
God, I thought your dad
was a successful inventor.
Well he was until his
greatest invention was
stolen out from right
underneath him.
What was it?
Gourmet Condom.
-No!
-Mhm.
Wait, how did your dad
even come up with the idea
for a gourmet condom
in the first place?
I don't wanna do this.
See, we're
having a coffee.
It's a really
wonderful time.
I don't wanna
screw anything...
Come on.
I can't go back.
You know, once I say
it, it can't be unsaid.
I dare you.
Bring it on.
Let's go.
Gross me out.
Well before I was born, my
parents went on this kind
of zany, wacky diet where
they couldn't eat anything
after midnight.
My mom goes off to the
other room to put on
something a little
more comfortable.
My dad seeing this as an
opportunity to cheat on
the diet, grabs BBQ
chicken wing and starts
mowing down on it.
The fray of all of this,
he gets the chicken
drippings all
over his junk.
Fuck.
My mom sneaks in, surprised
the hell out of him.
They're in a position where
they're going to have relations.
Phillip, you
taste delicious.
And my mom doesn't
seem to mind it.
I know.
His wheels starting turning
and the rest is history.
My dad doesn't know how to
balance a checkbook, let
alone run a company.
So Mr. Lucas
offers his help.
In the interim,
my mom gets sick.
Lucas says, you know what?
Don't worry about it.
While you're gone, I will
get this business started
and running.
So we're watching TV
a couple weeks later.
And there's an ad for
Lucas' gourmet condoms.
Didn't you guys get
a lawyer? Anything?
We got a lawyer,
we tried to do all that,
but my dad didn't
have any copyrights.
He didn't have any proof
like solid evidence.
And from then on, it's just
been this downward spiral.
My god.
That is so fucked up.
But you know what?
This actually would make
a really great example
for my book.
Hear me out, your complete
and utter lack of
self-confidence has
led you to be not only
jobless, but homeless
and girl-less as well.
My god, thank you!
No, seriously!
Yet the only thing that
you are lacking is
testicular fortitude.
What are you
talking about?
Balls, Denton.
Look, I am, I am
very confident.
Really?
Hi.
I'm Denton.
Would you maybe like
wanna, I don't know,
go on a coffee
date with me?
Even though all I'm gonna
do is drink peppermint tea.
That was a C minus
impression at best.
Really?
What is this
pussy ass drink?
It's filled with antioxidants
and fights cervical cancer.
So you look kinda
dumb right now.
Look, this is gonna be the
summer that I change your life.
And I get to document
it in my book.
I Have the Balls
of an 8-Year-Old.
Elegant, yet sexy.
I'm gonna go to
the bathroom.
You think about it.
I'll be back.
Scream that title again.
What was it?
Shut up.
Denton.
You're my fucking
hero, man.
It's been an honor watching
wet your kilt tonight.
I know you're gonna fuck
all these hot bitches.
How do you know
about that?
Sensei Jackson didn't
tell you about me?
I'm his star pupil, man.
Remember a couple years
back when that guy had to
be cut out of his house.
Yeah.
That was me.
I weighed 750
fucking pounds.
I had to prop my titties up on a
towel rack just to dry them off.
That's about when Sensei
Jackson found me.
Put me on a grueling
training reg.
Had me sucking in his sweet,
delicious power shakes.
He fucking saved
my life, man.
The dude is a saint.
Hey, will you
autograph my cock?
Nope! Hey!
You wanna
get out of here?
Yes, let's.
Hope you two had
a great night.
You're the shit, dude.
The shit!
Free video, free video,
free video, free video,
free video, free video...
Wiggins, Wiggins!
Who's that for?
Me.
Free video, free video...
You work here.
Why would you...
Dude wait, one of your
crushes are coming.
Who?
D man!
What's up, dog?
High.
Low.
Let me see if
you're my bro.
So new release day.
Talk to me.
Any new jizz flicks drop?
Everything new is
in the back, Scott.
Alright, sweet.
I'll be back in a sec
because it only takes me
a minute to sin it.
You remember now, come on.
He seems like a power top.
You into that?
Wiggins.
Dude, I am not hooking
up with a dude, dude.
Okay, well first of all,
if you did, I'm a good
enough friend that I
wouldn't tell anybody.
Second of all, all you
have to do is give him a
little bit of tongue
and just...
I'm not gonna do it, man!
I don't care.
Jackson's gonna have
to figure this out.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'll lose the whole bet.
I don't care.
Hey, what bet you
boys talking about?
Nothing, nothing.
Alright, fuck it
well, I got my MMA.
I got my porno.
I'm ready to jack and jack
off right there, you know.
Hit me.
That's pretty literal.
Okay, we got Ben Her.
Citizen Came.
Woodfellas.
Deep Impact.
No, actually this
one's not a porno.
Did you know that?
I'm a pervert,
not an idiot.
Scott, man.
I can't rent you these.
You've had Stop or My Mom Will
Squirt out for two years.
Man, Denton your my
brother and you know the
last decade's been a bit
of a buttfuck for me.
You know, my MMA career
was going great then I got
busted for being on the
juice and cycled off to
lose the titties and then
I started getting my ass
kicked real bad.
Had to tap out
on the dream.
Listen, okay.
You can rent these, but
you gotta bring them back
before the store
closes, okay man?
You have my word as a
retired man of the cage.
I'll bring these
back safely.
Knock on my wood.
He's full of those, isn't he?
Hey, Denise.
-Hi.
-Hey.
You know what, these
packages keep getting sent
over the video store.
I'm sorry. It's just those guys
messing with you I'm sure.
Sure is, motherfucker.
Boom, bitch!
Dikembe says
not in my house.
Hey, Serge, you wanna
go old school on this
little baby pussy?
-Yeah.
-Hey, guys!
Come on!
No, no, no, no, no!
Does it feel good?
Higher!
Higher!
Hey, hey!
No wonder you've
only at four girls.
You're wearing
boxer shorts.
Bitches love briefs now.
Come on, man.
We're going to H&M.
We'll buy you some.
Clean this shit up, Denise.
Yeah, clean that
shit up, Denise.
Denton, I'm so sorry!
Let me help you.
Thanks.
You know, Denton, we
had homeroom together.
That's right.
-In eleventh grade.
-In eleventh grade.
Yeah.
So I'm gonna take my
fifteen minute break now.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, and that's just enough
time for me to suck you off.
What now?
Bring it up.
Let's dig deep!
Dig in!
Dig in, let's get it!
Let's get it, you
little bitches.
Come on, grandpa.
Pick it up.
Pick it up, Wilfred.
I am number one,
you're right.
Thank you.
Why don't you hop on
a bike, Uncle Jemima?
-Here we go.
-Jesus Christ, man.
Calm down.
What are you rushing the
bloods and the crips, dude?
I'm wearing both colors
to signify unity.
That's kinda cool.
Come on, grandpa.
You can do it.
So funny bit of news.
I just got surprise
fellatio from the
receptionist that
works at Lucas...
Denise Davids?
- Yes!
- Shit.
You are so screwed.
What?
World class
psycho stalker.
You know in school when
those girls made those
origami things to predict
who their soulmate was?
-Yeah?
-She rigged hers.
Rigged the fucking
thing, dude.
Gross.
Yeah, she had one of those
things where like...
You know when one person loves
another person like a lot,
but the other person loves
the other person more.
She got a restraining
order against her.
Okay, okay.
She's nuts for real.
She had her dog baptized.
Hello?
It's her.
Gotcha.
You've reached the
voicemail of Denton.
Leave a message.
Beep.
Not convincing.
I didn't do a
good job at all.
No.
No one's home.
God.
What is that smell?
Denton, Denton, Denton.
You've been busy, girl.
Hey, Serge, Go
wet that bed.
Alright.
Think the tall
fuck's got it in him?
-Nah.
-I'm gonna piss on top.
What the fuck's
going on here?
Who the fuck are you?
What are you doing here?
Tell him what
we're doing here.
We broke in.
Obvious yes, you're
fucking break in.
-Can I talk to you?
-I got this, B.
Can you come here
a little bit?
Are you fucking sure?
He's got a knife.
Yeah, I see that.
It's fine, it's
fine, it's fine!
Well why are you here?
I need information
about this bet.
I wanna ruin their
lives, alright?
I hate Denton.
-I hate him, too.
-Good, good!
Maybe there's a way we
both get what we want.
Two blowjobs.
He's touching my dick.
Here's the deal.
I need information
about this bet.
Every time you find something
out, you give me a call.
I give you cash.
I present to you
Sarah Dawn Samuels.
What is
she doing here?
Well auditioning for
reality TV all day,
only time she has to
work out is at night.
During my shift.
I'm her personal
trainer so to speak.
We've spent some
time together.
Through all that bonding,
I've learned her deepest
desires and
darkest secrets.
Her scent is that of a rose
garden after a midsummer's rain.
She's a siren
in the water.
She calls to me and only
I hold the key to her
soul's relaxation.
It pains me to betray my
lady, but it's for the
good of the bet.
I hold in my hand her
one Achilles' heel.
Or should I say,
Achilles' crotch.
That's a serious
pre-op moose knuckle.
It looks like six
dollar burger.
If it ever gets
out, she's ruined.
Really, Jackson?
We're resorting
to blackmail now.
Yeah, super. Now we're
sexual predators.
Sexual predators?
What are we just walking
the streets looking for
houses for teddy bears in
the window to wander into?
Not in my wildest dreams.
Sorry, baby.
Jackson, just give me...
-Stop, stop it!
-Hi, Sarah.
Stop it!
Jackson!
Hi, Denton.
Hey, dad. What are you
doing up so early?
No time for sleep.
Your stepmother
is getting close.
Yeah, she's...
She's looking sharp.
You know, actually
grab a seat.
I've been meaning
to talk to you.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
So you and second grade...
Amanda Morrison.
Yeah, Amanda.
You guys are spending a lot
of time together this summer.
Yeah, she's
she's really great.
You think she'd be okay
with this whole bet thing
you got going on?
What the hell do I know?
A guy making a woman
out of plastic, right?
Give me the glue,
will you?
Planet of the Apes.
No. No, no, no.
Planet of the Apes
with Marky Mark?
God, God, no!
Sloth from the Goonies!
No, no!
I'm Harry.
I'm Harry from Harry
and the Hendersons.
I've never seen it.
You're kidding me.
You've never seen Harry
and the Hendersons?
No.
God, that was on my
favorite VHS tape.
What are you
talking about?
Yeah, no. Okay...
When I was growing up, my
dad he made us this VHS
tape that had like
six movies on it.
It was made in that super
poor person's speed.
I guess you
weren't poor, okay.
Well it had Blackstar
Fighter, Flight of Dragons,
Beast Master, Monster Squad,
and Harry and the Hendersons.
Hey look...
I've been thinking.
Summer's almost over and
I've had a really great
time hanging out with you.
I know that we are just
friends, but what if we...
We went?
-What if you and I...
-What if you and I...
-Went out?
-If you wanted...
What if you and I went...
On a date?
Are you?
You are, you're
asking me out.
Are you asking me
out on a proper date?
What if I was?
I'd really have to
do the maths on that.
I don't know.
Probably think about it.
Quite frankly, I'm
not attracted to you.
It would be me
doing you a favor.
Really?
You know, were you
in a grease fire
or something because
your face...
Maybe I can change your mind.
Denton!
Where have you been?
Grab me some cans of beer
and a handful of those
grapes and let's get
the hell out of here.
It's cool.
We can pick up where we
left off later on tonight.
-Tonight?
-Yeah!
On our first
official date.
Where?
It's a surprise.
Just pick me up here
later after work.
Okay.
Well thanks a lot, man.
I was just about
to kiss her.
You haven't hooked
up with her yet?
You've seen her fifty
times this summer.
You're gonna fuck this up.
How? What are you
talking about?
You're in love with her.
I am...
That is not...
How would one know though
if they were in love?
Close your eyes.
Okay.
-Imagine yourself fucking her.
-Okay.
Her pants are around her ankles,
she's bent over the bed.
It's really hot, her
hair's kinda tussled.
You just blew a load
right inside her.
-Epic.
-Okay. Alright.
I mean, you've
stained her soul.
What do you wanna do next?
I kinda just wanna cuddle.
Fuck.
How are you supposed to
focus, man, when you're
all fucking puppy dogs
and ice cream upstairs?
Where are we going even?
Hey, guys.
This fucking
guy's gonna do it.
He has eight or nine fucking
bitches there already.
Yeah, I'm telling you.
The guy has a cock like a
fucking gold cock, man.
That's very
unfortunate news, Bob!
It's like a fucking
broken fire hydrant.
You should see
the kid spraying.
This is fucking
jizz fucking city.
And one of these fucking
children, the mother came...
She slipped on the jizz.
You okay? Because if you're
not okay, I'm not okay.
He's doing much better
than I thought he would.
I can't lose this bit
to that lanky fuck.
We gotta get serious,
real serious.
Operation Derailment Serious.
Denise!
Sit down.
You nervous?
No.
-You look nervous.
-Nope.
She look nervous to you?
Definitely looks nervous.
I'm not nervous.
I'm gonna cut
to the chase.
We know you know
about the bet.
We know you're
one of the girls.
And we know you blew
Denton in the lobby.
There's a video.
Serge here has seen it.
Yeah, it was a
sweet fucking BJ.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Here's what you
need to do for me.
Help me win the bit.
How do I help
you win the bit?
I can't unblow him.
Well you're a crazy
super stalker, right?
You got his
passwords and shit.
Just his social media
info, email accounts,
social security number,
home phone, home address,
parent's phone,
parent's address.
I'm gonna stop
you right there.
We actually just need
you to log into one of his
email accounts and send an
email to Amanda Morrison.
Alright?
Pretend to be Denton.
Say it's an emergency.
I don't give a fuck.
However you do it.
Get her over to that garage
battle station that they have.
When she sees what he's
really up to, she's never
gonna talk to him again.
Let alone fuck
him, am I right?
And then we got
this in the bag.
Paper or plastic!
Or bring your own bag and save
the environment or something.
He's just such a good guy.
I don't feel comfortable like
messing up his whole thing.
That's so cute she
thinks she has a choice.
You're gonna feel
comfortable with it or
you're gonna be fired.
Go now psycho.
What are you doing?
Do my bidding.
What are you doing?
Just get the
fuck out of here.
-Okay!
-Get the fuck out of here.
-You just had to say that.
-Go!
I don't understand
you two.
Yo, did you
watch that tape?
Yeah.
Crazy ones can really
suck a dick, am I right?
I know, I'm going to the psych
ward for my next blowjob.
Well this is the place.
Looks like a
fucking shithole.
Wait, Kendra lives here?
Yeah, and she thinks
you're a doctor.
So you're gonna
want to suit up.
I'm getting a disease just
looking at this place.
Are you packing jimmies?
No.
That's okay. I got
plenty in the glove.
Wait a minute, why do you
have a water pistol in your...
That's not an
ordinary water pistol.
It's filled
with your seed.
Why do you have a water pistol
filled with my seed in here?
Well, you know that
place you donate sperm?
Yeah?
Well yeah, I snuck in in
the middle of the night
and grabbed a bunch of
your cum and filled up
this water pistol here.
Why?
Well, you know, just in
case there was some chicks
you couldn't pull down.
It's a contingency plan.
Okay. You know what?
Just give me that back.
-It's my cum.
-I need it.
You know what?
I got money...
-This is important?
-Can I have my...
Give me my cum back!
-Geez.
-Sorry.
You know, I always knew
you'd be successful.
I have great
intuition with men.
Except for the
ones that I marry.
You got a little
one, do you?
-Seven.
-No shit.
Four boys, three girls.
But they're with their
respected fathers tonight.
I thought that it'd be
nice to give us a little
privacy since you were so kind
to take a house call, doctor.
Doctor...
Mhm.
Is so formal.
You know, just
call me Denton.
Just regular old
Denton will do.
So what seems to
be the situation?
Yeah.
My wrist.
It's like really been
giving me trouble.
- It really hurts to...
- Take a look.
Think it could be?
Do you think
you could help?
I do, I do....
Let's have a...
listen to the old ticker.
Yeah, yes.
Yeah.
I've heard this before.
I'm afraid you have
poor circulation.
And I think you could
be in immediate danger.
My!
What should we do?
Well I think we should
probably start by getting
you out of that tight,
restrictive top.
Yeah, maybe even those
tight, tight, tight pants.
Are you sure?
Yes, very sure.
Very sure.
It's the first thing we
learn in doctor school.
That must
have been so hard.
It was.
Yes, it certainly was.
But when you see the look
of pure laughter on a baby
child's face after
a successful brain
appointment it makes
everything worth it.
You know that you're
doing the lord's work.
These hands, I'll tell you,
they've seen some stories.
Denton!
Denton, it's me!
Amanda?
Denton, I got here
as fast as I could.
Is your dad okay?
Mr. B, Mr. B, Mr. B!
-Wake up, wake up, wake up!
-Damn you, Phil Collins!
Amanda Morrison is here.
-Who?
-Second grade!
Denton, are you in there?
No, no!
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
One second.
I gotta put my
pants back on.
Me too, me too.
Denton, are you home?
What the hell is this?
Fuck me, Scott.
No, I'm Denton.
No, no, Scott's my fianc.
Did you just finish?
No, I don't...
Wait, you have a fianc?
Of course you
have a fianc.
Kendra, I'm home.
Give me a beer.
Make sure it's cold as shit from
that new fridge, you know?
Hey, Denton!
What ya doing here, boy?
It's great to see you.
Wait a minute, you're not
here for them movies, is ya?
Because you know, I really
do need a little more time
on those, you
know, but...
Wait a minute, why
is she in her undies?
And why does grandpa
have a chubbie?
Bing!
Grandpa!
Did my woman suck
this man's cock?
No.
Sucked it real good.
-You!
-You seen it?
Licked his
pooper hole, too.
His butthole.
No, Scott.
My butthole is
unlicked today.
You little adulterer,
coming into my beautiful home,
making my angel eat
at your gas station.
I got some bad, bad
news for you, boy.
Your timing's all sorts of
shit because I'm back on
the juice, motherfucker.
I'm sorry, doc.
He's gonna fuck you up.
-Yeah, that's right.
-Scott, Scott!
Just calm down
for just a second.
Yeah, yeah.
What you got,
what you got?
Fuck that shit, boy.
Come on, bring it on.
Come on, dog.
Cool your motherfucking
jets, Scott.
What are you gonna do?
Shoot me with a water gun?
Do not make me
pull this trigger.
Go time!
Wiggins! Dad!
You're not gonna
believe this.
I just hooked up with
Kendra and I shot a load
into Scott's mouth.
What?
Well not technically
I didn't shoot...
No, no, no,
technically I did.
It doesn't matter!
The point is...
I'm about to win
this fucking...
Bet?
I'm part of a bet?
Look, look, look...
- I can explain.
- You can explain?
I don't think that
needs explanation.
This is disgusting.
Are you kidding right now?
Don't touch me!
I am so freaked
out right now.
I never want to
see you again.
Don't say that.
Amanda, please...
Don't.
Who are you?
Yeah, man...
Who are you?
Heard the big news.
You fucked it all up.
I gotta admit, for a
second there you had me
genuinely concerned.
Nine girls, one guy.
Not bad.
I tip my dick to you, sir.
You actually came here
just to be a dick to me?
Listen to me, you
quivering pussy.
This bet was your shot.
I gave it to you on a
silver fucking platter.
But you, as you do, kept
up the family tradition.
Failure.
So I think my family can't
take anything else from
your family.
My dad takes your
dad's company.
I take this shithole you
call a video store, and
then tomorrow when you
lose that bet, I'm gonna
make you and
daddy homeless.
You know why?
Cause you and all your
little friends, you're all
a bunch of
fucking weirdos.
I win, you lose.
Suck my dick.
See you at the
game tomorrow.
You can sick my dick.
...watching anime porn
and I catch the dude...
What the fuck are
you doing, man?
What's it look like
I'm doing, Jackson?
Okay, dude, chill. Clearly you
just need to talk about...
Talk about what, Ed?
How you two
ruined my life?
Dude, you were this close
to winning the bet.
Don't you dare
back out now.
I don't fucking
care about the bet.
I don't care
about the bet.
I've lost the only
person I wanna be with.
-Scott Quaker.
-God...
It's not, I didn't...
God damnit!
What? She'll understand, right?
We'll just go by her
house, explain the
situation she'll get it.
She'll understand what, Ed?
That she was right?
She's part of some stupid bet
that my friends got me into.
I cannot believe I let you
guys convince me to do this.
Fuck you.
Fuck me?
Dude, you sit here all day
bitching and moaning about
your life and things
that happen to you.
Be it girls, or your job.
Man, fuck, even us!
And when shit doesn't go
your way, you go on the
fucking rag and just bitch about
how shit Denton's life is.
Back me up on
this, Wiggins.
I still wet the bed.
I can't really talk.
God damn shame.
Are you kidding me?
How shit my life is?
Jackson, when's the last time
you hooked up with a chick?
What was it years?
And by the way,
your shakes suck.
And you, Ed?
You are so full of shit.
You're this love guru,
but except the only girl
you've ever been
with you married.
You two have been living
vicariously through me,
but it's not you who
has the shit life.
It's me!
Get out.
Just get out of here.
All of you.
And take this
trash with you.
Come on, Wiggins.
Wiggins, get out here.
-Get the fuck out!
-Wiggins!
Wiggins, get the
fuck out of here!
You've upset Wiggins.
Wiggins, go.
He's a fucking mess.
I'll leave you one.
I'll leave you one.
Go!
Wiggins is my friend now.
He's...
Get out, get out!
D-dad.
Not you, you
don't have to go.
I refuse to let the lovely
Legos lose her virginity
in this den of sadness.
You need to be alone
right now anyway, son.
You got a lot
to think about.
Your dad's coming.
Yeah.
How'd it go
with lady Lego?
It was horrible.
We all went to the
field last night.
He got butt naked and made
us all gather around her
as he mounted her right
over there on home plate.
On first thrust, she
exploded into a million pieces.
He just sat there defeated as
his bruised old boner went limp.
Saddest shit
I've ever seen.
Well, well, well...
Look at these
video fun fucks.
You guys excited?
You like the smell of the
field, the cut grass,
the stands full of quivering
lady pussies waiting
for the B dog to
satisfy them??
God, I wanted to see you
guys lose, but to see you
lose in front of a packed house,
life is fucking sweet.
Like brown sugar
on white pussy.
Hey look, y'all, President
and CEO of Goldman Nutsucks.
Sorry, guys, I don't
speak poor person.
Mary Kate.
Ashley.
You ladies eighteen yet?
Jackson, I know you're
gonna miss this most so
really try and
enjoy it, okay?
Good luck out
there, ladies.
He almost hit that truck.
Gentlemen.
It's been an honor serving
with you on that battlefield.
You fought like warrior
poets in the days of old,
but I ask you one last
time to fight with me.
Can you do that?
Fight with me!
Spit on me.
I got some in my mouth.
Thanks for coming out, folks,
to the last game of the season.
It's gonna be a doozey.
Now batting, Jackson Price.
What's in this?
Jackson's shake
masterpiece.
The final cuntdown.
That was a good pitch.
There's something I need
to talk to you about.
Yeah?
What is that?
Balls on chin.
Dude, I'm not in the mood
for jokes right now, man.
Remember the tri-county
little league championships?
Yeah, yeah.
Who could forget?
You got hit in the face
twice in one game.
Taking those two balls
to the chin was the best
thing I ever did.
Why, what do you mean?
Everyone knew I wasn't
gonna get on base and if I
struck out, which I
was going to, the game
would've been over, right?
My only option to get on base
was to get hit by a pitch.
Wait a minute, you
did that on purpose?
Yeah, I had to drink through
a straw for three months and
it was worth it.
We won because I didn't
accept the shitty hand of
cards that fate dealt me.
I took destiny
into my own hands.
Old man opportunity
knocked, the sixth grade
version of myself answered
the door, and then I took
his two balls on my chin.
No, no! No, no, no!
Run, run.
Where's your glove?
Where's your glove?
Safe.
Good lead off, red.
Fuck all your mothers.
All of them.
You're up, D.
Let's light this bitch up.
On your games, boys.
Now batting, Denton Baker.
Son of a bitch.
Dude, you suck.
Strike.
You know what, Lucas?
You want some esse?
According to this
contract, the bet's not
over til the end of
this season, right?
Yeah.
Well there's still eight innings
left to win this thing.
-Okay, okay.
-Hey, Jackson.
Game's not over, boys!
You're right.
I have been a pussy.
I need you to
stall this game.
Help!
My jockstrap is
twisted around my balls.
Come on.
Delay of game, blue!
You know, I wanted to wear
it like Maris did during
his 61 homerun season.
I read that he did that on
the back of his baseball card.
This is bullshit, Jackson.
I'm a bit of a
card collector.
Tops.
Hey, focus!
Don't look at him!
Look at me.
Don't look at me.
Fleer, Waxpacks.
Where you going?
To take a set of
balls on the chin.
What?
What, is he gay now?
No, no, it's a metaphor.
Honis Wagner of
the Honis Wanger card.
Blue!
-Delay of game.
-Wayne Gretsky.
God!
It's like a
hangman's noose!
And that was the Sneeches
by Dr. Seuss.
Do you guys know what the
moral of the story is?
The moral of the story is
that there was this one
boy sneech who
was confused.
What are you doing?
There was this girl sneech who
was amazing and beautiful and
funny and confident in who she
is and he thought to himself.
He thought, you know what?
You know what I need?
I need, I need, I need a
couple stars under my belt
to really impress
this girl.
The girl sneech.
So he goes over to his boys in
Whoville and he says to them...
They were like, you
know what, dude?
You need, you need
to be confident.
You need to be like
the Cat in the Hat.
So he goes over and he
slams some beers with
Thing 1 and Thing 2, he
hits the town, he hooks up
with a bunch of chicks.
That's not who he is.
That's not what
he's about.
He's more like the
Lorax in reality.
Planting grickle grass,
and climbing truckular
trees, and smoking cheese
with the Barbaluts.
What are you
trying to say?
Amanda, I fell in love
with you this summer.
I screwed it up.
I just screwed it up.
But you need to know that
the man that I was when I
was with you, that's
who I really am.
Yeah, the sneech may have
stolen a blind girl's
glasses and shot a jizz
pistol in a dude's mouth.
That happened.
That did.
I'm not asking you
for a second chance.
If this is the last time
I get to see you then I
understand, but you need
to know that from now on
I'm gonna be
who I really am.
Who I always was.
The sneech knows where
his real star is.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm so lonely.
How we doing, boys?
Good, man. Bottom of nine,
all tied up.
How'd it go?
Not the
smoothest actually.
But atleast I
came clean to her.
Yeah, well you're a better
man for it and all that.
Right.
You're up, D.
Here we go!
Here we go!
Big D.
Here we go.
Move it back.
Here we go.
-Big hitter, big hitter!
-Denton.
Let's go.
Dead man walking.
Everyone's getting
fucked in the ass.
I'm gonna fuck so many
bitches in your house,
it's gonna be disgusting.
Every single one of these fucks
is getting fucked in the ass.
Yeah, you're whole bedroom is
gonna be painted in my semen.
Time out!
Are you...
Hey, hi, hi!
Denton, did you really
mean what you said?
It's the most honest
I've been all summer.
This is bullshit.
Is this bet really
that important to you?
No.
Come on.
It's not as important
as being with you.
Let's play ball.
I gotta full on
Louisville Chubber.
Me too.
-Now go win this game.
-Okay.
Hey, Amanda?
Hi, Amanda Morrison?
-Yeah.
-I'm Denise Davids.
You don't know me.
Listen, I'm not
gonna hurt you, okay?
I do have to show you
something right now.
It's important.
You may not like it.
But you might.
Here we go, D.
Knock his cock right
off of his body.
We want pain, we
wanna see blood.
-Here we go!
-Alright.
Let's see what you got.
This one's for you, daddy.
Son, I'm so
proud of you.
Here we go, D.
Right in his pussy.
Right in his pussy.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Big hitter, big hitter.
You always made me proud,
and you know what,
your momma was proud, too.
Yo, B, we got a problem, dog.
Don't answer it.
Shut up.
Last night's movie leaked.
Are you shitting me?
Is this train
going to Paris?
Why indeed it is, ma'am.
All aboard.
Next stop, the
Eiffel Tower.
I love big, erect things.
Well you are in luck, ma'am,
because we have two.
Let's get a moving here.
My god.
Full steam ahead!
Fuck what you stand for!
Fuck everything
that you like!
Yes!
You fucking...
You little son of a bitch!
Shut the fuck up, old man!
Hey, you know
what, Jackson?
You can have the game.
You'll never play in
this league again.
Denton lost the
fucking bet.
Actually, Lucas,
no, he didn't.
You're bitch 11.
He's still one bitch shy.
That means your
house is mine.
And I'm gonna burn it to
the goddamn ground right
after I take a
huge shit in it.
Denise.
I think you have one more
text message to send.
What?
For our next motion picture,
the Pole Her Express.
Is this train going
to the south pole?
It isn't, ma'am, but
you can go south on my pole.
Let me slide
on down here.
Lord, here we go.
Santa's dropping his load.
That's a whole lot of egg nog.
You're welcome.
Merry Christmas to you.
Twelve girls in one summer.
Damn!
As my first official act
as the new CEO of Mr. B's
Gourmet Condoms...
Mr. Lucas, you're
fucking fired.
Brandon, you are
super fucking fired.
What the hell is
going on?
The contact signed
by Brandon himself.
Daddy, I can explain.
You goddamn fucking moron!
Daddy, I'm sorry!
You greedy little shit.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
-Jesus fucking...
Yeah, that's right.
You guys can suck
our black dicks.
Yeah, man. You can suck
all our black dicks.
That's right, boy.
Now as my second official
act as the CEO, I intend
to return the company back to
its original owner and creator.
The world's
greatest inventor.
My dad.
-Me?
-Yes.
-You're giving it to me?
-Yes
- Me? My god.
- Yeah.
I kinda have a
thing for inventors.
-And you.
-No.
But there's still
something that I owe you.
Boom!
Dad! Dad?
That's right, Brandon.
We throw low around here.
Rain jimmies on these bitches.
Get 'em up!
Throw 'em up!
All of them!
Get all of them!
Look, Amanda, about these
last couple months.
Screw your past.
Besides, I still haven't
told you about my summer.
What?
So let me get
this straight.
You own the company.
Yup.
You stole the company.
Yup.
You won it back because
your son won a bet where
he had to sleep with
twelve girls in a summer.
A whole summer.
You nailed it.
Gluten free.
Gluten free.