The Brothers Grimsby (2016) Movie Script
I love you so much.
I love you too.
We'll take it.
One, two, three.
Push.
But, dad, I'm out of breath.
Yeah, well,
i told you not to smoke.
I thought you just
meant crack.
No, I meant cigarettes too.
At your age,
you should just be vaping.
Push.
Where's mum?
She's still in
the furniture store.
Hey, dad,
let's put it in here.
No. That is me brother's room.
But, dad, he's been missing
for 28 years.
We need the room.
There's nine of us.
No. I'm keeping it
the way he likes it.
Though when he comes back,
i will have to break it to him
that some of his childhood
heroes didn't love women
as much as we thought
they did.
And one of them liked them
a little too much.
Dad, you're never gonna
find him.
You might as well just give up.
Give up?
I know he's out there
somewhere.
And one day,
he's gonna join
our family again.
Green earth.
Agent graves,
your feed is live.
The target is maelstrom's
second in command.
He has information
we must extract.
Capture and interrogate.
Do not terminate.
Interception in nine, eight,
seven, six,
five, four,
three, two, one.
Eyes on the target.
Easy. Eyes on the target.
Be advised,
multiple hostiles to the east.
Target mobile.
Target heading north.
Alpha 1's now bravo 1.
He's mobile.
Roger that.
Out of the way.
Move, move, move.
May I borrow this?
Thank you.
Now complete on bravo 1,
following bravo 1.
Alpha 1 now on foxtrot.
I'm in pursuit.
Hostiles to your south,
advancing on your position.
Bravo 1 is now mobile.
He has backup. End pursuit now.
I'd rather not.
Come on. My gun!
Commander, relay back.
We are now nearing the limit
of live feed transmission.
Hello, chaps.
Permission to abort now.
Commander, acknowledge.
Goodbye.
Buckle up!
Lonomia caterpillar toxin's
entered your bloodstream,
Mr. beder.
You have 90 seconds
until heart failure.
I do, however,
have the antidote here.
Perhaps you'd like
to tell me what your friends
at the maelstrom syndicate
are planning.
Sixty seconds.
Rhonda George.
An assassination.
Rhonda George?
She's the actress
and philanthropist.
She's hosting an event
for worldcure in two days, sir.
Give me the antidote.
It's too late,
I'm afraid.
I want you at this event,
Sebastian.
Very wise,
commander ledford.
Welbeck's touch.
Rooney's there too.
Now carrick, here's baines.
Oh, he's free.
England are heading
to the semis,
to the delight
of millions at home!
Hey, everyone.
Let's celebrate
responsibly.
Oh!
Can't believe
it's happened again.
Get it out. Get it out.
Get it out. Get out.
He's gonna blow!
Out the way, ladies.
I've got the fire extinguisher.
Thank the lord.
Where's nobby? Where is he?
Where's nobby? Nobby!
Nobby. Nobby, nobby.
Why are you
so out of breath?
I've run all the way
from home.
But you only live
across the street.
Do you remember me cousin,
digger?
What, the thief?
Yeah.
Well, he was nicking coats
at a posh event the other night,
and you'll never guess
who he saw.
Who?
We finally found him.
We finally found
your brother.
Nobby and Sebastian butcher.
We're the butcher boys
of grimsby.
They'll never split us up.
Forever!
Forever!
Your brother is gonna be
at a fancy party tomorrow.
But how will I get in?
Me cousin's nicked you
a ticket.
Leaders from around the world,
such as the head of
the world health organization
Javier Alvarez and celebrities,
including Daniel Radcliffe,
have gathered at this
worldcure event,
sponsored by philanthropist,
Rhonda George.
Green earth.
Agent graves,
your feed is live.
Who's this in my ear?
It's me.
And stop flirting.
We're on an open channel.
Right.
How much?
Complimentary, sir.
How now?
Hi.
Have you seen me brother?
He's called Sebastian.
Here's a photo of him.
It was taken a few years ago.
Are you in position yet,
agent graves?
Uh-oh.
Come on. It's stuck.
Come on.
Please welcome Rhonda George.
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
When I started worldcure,
people would constantly
say to me:
"You cannot rid the world
of disease."
I would look them
straight in the eye
and say, "yes, I can."
Can you detect
any imminent threat, graves?
We are gonna figure this out.
And it all starts right here,
right now,
with one little boy.
His name is schlomo khalidi.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we will cure the world.
Mummy was Jewish.
Daddy was palestinian.
But they both loved each other
so very much.
I was born with HIV.
Now I am very sick with aids.
Yes! Fantastic!
You are not
coming back from that!
Shh!
Though this disease
may kill me...
The operator.
...Why can't we stop
killing each other
in the middle east?
Where's the operator?
The camera's a gun.
Damn. The camera's a gun!
Who are you?
It's me.
Nobby.
Nobby?
What the hell
just happened?
The head of the world health
organization's been shot.
Locate the shooter!
Locate the shooter!
There's the shooter!
Tiger tail. Undercover.
My shot was compromised.
Take him out!
Sir, we have confirmation.
Graves took the shot.
Graves?
Ow!
Cut it out. Leave him alone.
Behind you!
How can I help?
You can stay away from me.
You need me help.
Fucking twat.
Goodbye, nobby.
Don't worry.
I won't leave you!
Aah!
Aah! My ankle!
Me bottle.
Get off me!
Come on.
The ankle's shattered.
You'll need to carry me.
Come on.
Get over me shoulder.
Sorry.
Get in.
Hey! Move away from the car.
Soon as I've printed
your ticket.
Come on.
You'll have to drive.
Move. Not that one!
What happened?
Never mind.
Just get going.
Come on, it's dangerous!
Get out of the car now!
Don't worry.
It's bulletproof.
You can't hurt us.
No.
We've got bulletproof glass.
Aah!
Roll it up!
Roll it up!
Just go. Now.
Oh, great. We can watch
the match while escaping.
Watch out!
Aah!
He's gonna take the penalty.
There's a penalty.
Nobby, forget the football.
You're gonna drown.
I'm getting out
after he's taken penalty.
Listen to me.
Miss it!
Take a breath.
And he...
Fuck!
Director general of
the world health organization,
Dr. Javier Alvarez,
is dead.
He was caught
in the crossfire
of an apparent
assassination attempt
on philanthropist
Rhonda George.
A huge manhunt is underway
to find a rogue secret agent
who first shot middle east
peace symbol
schlomo khalidi.
The boy's aids-tainted blood
then sprayed into the mouth
of Harry Potter star
Daniel Radcliffe.
Sources tell us
that Radcliffe,
who had numerous open sores
in his mouth,
has tested positive for HIV.
We're digging
into his background now, sir.
Trying to work out how
maelstrom could've got to him.
What do you want us
to do, sir?
Activate chilcott.
Chilcott was dismissed
for good reason, sir.
Activate chilcott.
Isn't life strange?
I mean, yesterday
I'm having a normal day
down the pub with me mates
with a firework up me ass.
And here we are now,
with me brother,
doing some running
and swimming,
all different types
of cardio.
Can I ask you a question?
Are you a vin diesel
impersonator?
Or are you a hit man who
specializes in kids with aids?
What? I'm a secret agent,
i work for an offshoot of MI6.
How could you not tell
your own brother what you do?
Because within the title of my
occupation is the word "secret."
But if you can't trust family,
who can you trust?
Trust you? Trust you?
Because of you,
the head of the world
health organization is dead
and Harry Potter has aids.
You managed to do in
three seconds
what Voldemort failed to do
in eight movies.
Don't wet your knickers.
It's treatable.
Ooh, heroin.
That stuff's addictive.
It's a gateway drug.
To what?
To more heroin.
This is not heroin,
this is rapid bone calcifier.
It fills the fractures
in my ankle,
hardens the bone and muscle
around it so that I can walk.
Why, what happened
to your ankle?
You fell on it.
Hello.
I didn't do it.
I need your help.
If I help you, I'll be arrested.
If you don't, I could be dead
by the end of the day.
All right, listen.
Ledford activated someone
called chil-something.
That's all I know.
Chilcott?
Oh, Jesus, he's a psychopath.
That's a kill order.
Oh, god.
Jodie, I need you
to do something for me.
I need you to find out
the identity of the man
who killed Javier Alvarez.
If I can find him,
it will clear my name.
Can you do that?
I'll try.
Seb, can I press
this red button?
Aah! God's sake.
What?
You just implanted
a tracking device in my neck!
At least I won't lose you
for another 28 years.
I forgot to mention,
i got you a present.
What?
Two tickets for me and you
to go to Chile to see england
play in the final.
How do you know if england
are gonna be in the final?
Well, they'd better be
because I just got this done.
England, world "championes,"
That says 200,016.
No, it says 2016.
That's 198,000 years
from now.
In that case, I got two zeroes
for free, so who's the idiot?
What are you doing?
I need to disappear.
There are people
looking for me.
You won't see me again.
Good luck, nobby.
Yeah.
Okay. No, no, you're right.
I should-- I should be
heading back home anyway.
Got to see the family.
It's good to reconnect.
Take care, eh?
Take care.
Wait. Since you're a spy,
does that mean no one knows
I'm your brother?
Exactly.
Well, then, I've got the perfect
place for you to hide.
Oh, no.
Oh, it's so good
to have you back
in grimsby.
You probably don't recognize it
since it were gentrified.
I am not from grimsby.
Hiya.
Hiya.
I've got a girlfriend.
It's nothing serious.
But she's fit as fuck,
so hands to yourself.
Go on. Shoes off.
Hey.
Missed you, dad.
Missed you too.
Was I not clear when I said
i needed a secure location?
This place
is totally secure.
Although I don't know
who she is.
I'm just being hilarious.
That's our Britney.
You want a cup of tea?
There's a kebab.
You can have anything
you want there.
It's a kitchen, fully stocked.
Shut your fucking mouth,
cartman!
And this is our new babby,
django unchained.
Hey, dad.
Who's that?
That's me oldest son, skeletor.
Hiya. Hey!
What's that, another son?
Don't be daft.
That's our grandson,
gangnam style.
Hiya.
Hi, dad.
And this here is Luke.
We call him that
because he's got leukemia.
I'm so sorry.
He doesn't really.
We just shave his head
so we can claim
the welfare for it.
What?
You know what?
You're looking at
a gold mine up there.
This tragedy can turn
into 65 pound 40 a week.
All right,
chemistry class is over.
Time for biology.
At its maximum,
the mother's uterus
expands to 25 cubic feet.
Who's this?
Who's that?
The other bald man. Who's this?
Jason.
He's Jason.
I'm Jason.
I've got 11 kids.
Not easy to remember them all.
Aah!
His name is not Sebastian,
and that's all
you need to know.
What the fuck are you on about,
dad? It's uncle coddy.
Give us a hug.
I can't believe it's you.
Welcome back to grimsby.
They're your family. Those are
your nephews and nieces.
How do they know who I am?
I might've mentioned you
couple of times
over the years.
"Couple of times"?
I'll show him your wall, dad.
There's you as a kid.
Leg it!
You little bastards.
Give me back me ball!
Fuck off.
Nobby. Pass us the ball.
Come on.
Pass it.
He's gonna score.
England's gonna win the final.
Nobby, shoot!
Oh...
Morning, officer.
Nobby and Sebastian butcher.
We were trying to return
that beautiful ball
to its rightful owner.
It's not about the ball, lads.
Look, seb. That's the couple
that's adopting us.
They're from London.
You're coming with me.
Right, nobby?
Of course.
I'd never leave
my little brother.
It's all right to be sad.
But it's not all right
to stand there and whinge
like a low mopey bastard.
Who are we?
Come on, say it.
We're butcher boys
of grimsby.
I didn't hear you.
Say it again.
We're the fucking
butcher boys of grimsby.
They'll never split us up.
Forever!
Forever!
Anyway, your uncle don't want
to look at pictures
of me and him all day,
do you?
No.
What?
No.
All right. Come on.
Let's take a look
at me travel photos of London.
Come on, everyone.
Come on, squeeze up, squeeze up.
This is the Norfolk arms.
This is the dog and duck.
This is the three crowns.
And this is charing cross
police station.
Fucking pigs.
This is me with some free booze.
And this is me with me finger
up an African boy's ass.
Wait a minute. Go back.
Let me see.
It's the assassin.
Listen, London were fab.
But I missed you lot.
Missed you too.
Missed you too, dad.
Answer it.
Yes, sir.
Hello?
Ledford's watching you,
isn't he?
Say, "hi, daddy."
Hi, daddy.
Aww.
Check your e-mail.
Find out who that is.
You'll have to access the global
facial recognition grid.
And how am I going to do that?
Figure it out.
Hiya.
That the love of me life, dawny?
Is that my darling nobby?
I'm back.
I missed you so much.
Me too.
All right, kids.
Out. Now.
Out. Listen to your mum.
Out quick.
I got something very important
that I need to tell your dad.
What is it?
I lost me panties.
You sure your ass
hasn't eaten them again?
No, you daft twat.
I didn't put any on.
Ooh, I'm getting stiffer
than a pedophile at legoland.
Oh, look.
I'm exactly like
Sharon Stallone
in basic instincts.
Don't worry.
That didn't come out
me bum.
Oh.
That one did.
No problem.
Get over here.
I know you must
be gagging for it.
All right.
Come here, nobby.
Hey.
What?
I'm hungry
for a grimsby breakfast.
Well, the buffet's open.
I'll need a table for one.
It's all-you-can-eat.
See you in about
60 minutes.
Get going.
Ahem, nobby.
Oh.
That's me darts partner,
um...Ben Kingsley.
Nobby, what do you
take me for?
I know who that is.
That's your brother.
Where the fuck you been
all these years?
I've been busy. Congratulations,
by the way. When are you due?
Oh, I'm not pregnant.
I'm just fucking fat.
- Nobby.
- What?
It's imperative
no one know that I'm here.
You need somewhere isolated
where there's no one around?
Exactly.
All right.
I know just the place.
It's just this way,
past the train station.
- All aboard the 915,
- grimsby to London.
In you go.
Do you think our new parents
will let us sleep
in the same room?
If we have bunk beds,
can I have the top?
You can have the top,
little man.
Go and have a pee now
before the other passengers do.
Okay, bruv.
And Sebastian...
What is it?
Nothing.
Nobby?
Nobby?
Nobby? Nobby?
Nobby? Nobby?
Have you seen me brother, nobby?
Nobby, where are you? Nobby!
No! Nobby!
Come back!
Come back, nobby!
Sebbo. Come on.
I know. It's great to be back,
isn't it?
Here we go.
Just in here.
You sure this location
is secure?
Relax.
Trust your brother.
Surprise!
No, no! Seb!
Come on, no.
No, they're our folk.
Welcome home.
Nobody's supposed
to know I'm here.
No one does know you're here.
These people know
I'm here.
- Do you know he's here?
- No!
We are here.
Good work, chilcott.
How did you find him?
Let's just call it
professional intuition.
What's that smell?
That's me. Milky pimms.
Oh.
I work our docks.
We transport COD
all over the world.
Fascinating.
Can I help you?
Chilcott. Move.
What is it?
Oh, god, I'm cornered.
I should never
have come here alone.
You're never alone
in grimsby, bruv.
Lads. Lads.
See those blokes out there?
Those are Manchester united
supporters.
How dare those twats
show up here?
Delay them. I promise
I'll burn your school down.
No school!
Come on.
Oi, lads.
Get the ball!
- Let's go, lads.
- They've got guns!
Excuse me, sir.
I think you dropped something.
Dropped what?
You're in grimsby now,
you git!
Do you think I'll hesitate
to kill you? Little bastard.
Now!
Sanjiv, now!
Fish factory, this way.
Come on, fish factory.
Go there.
Quick. In there. Let's go.
Aah!
Seb.
What have you done?
You've killed him.
Nobby, what are you doing?
I'm showing some respect
for the dead.
There you go, mate.
Nobby!
What?
Get over here.
What is it?
I need you to suck
this wound in my shoulder.
No, no, no, I don't put my lips
on another man's shoulder.
That's very gay.
Do it now.
People have been
chucked out of grimsby
for ordering
a vegetarian breakfast.
That pellet was filled with
lonomia caterpillar toxin.
I'll be dead in 90 seconds
if you don't suck it out.
Okay, okay.
Suck hard.
That's it.
Don't swallow the poison.
And now spit it out.
Well done.
Praise the lord.
I thought I'd lost you,
brother.
I love you so much.
Nobby.
What?
I've been hit somewhere else.
Where?
I'm not falling for that one.
No way.
No, you don't--
what are you doing?
No, why are you
taking those off?
The toxin's coursing through
the left lobule of my teste.
Up the spermatic plexus
to my kidneys. Suck it.
Whoo!
As Jesus said,
"thou shalt not suck off
your own fucking brother."
Do it, or I'll be dead
in 60 seconds.
I've been searching for you
for almost 30 year.
I could've found you
in two minutes on grindr.
Choose. You can suck my scrotum
or you can let me die.
Okay.
What would you like written
on your gravestone?
Suck my balls!
Whoa!
I have less than 40 seconds.
All right.
This is for dad.
Suck it. Suck harder.
Suck and spit.
Suck and spit.
Suck and spit.
It's traveling too fast.
I need to be on top.
Over here.
What? No. I draw the line
at teabagging.
Must shake this out.
It's not working.
Coddy.
Coddy, don't go. Coddy.
I've lost you once.
I refuse to lose you again.
Oh!
That's it.
We did it.
You did it.
We did--
you just came on me face.
It was a trickle
of pre-ejaculate at most.
Grow up.
I envision a day when people
won't have to live like this.
A day when poverty
will be eradicated.
And I know it's possible.
Sir, we've got something.
Suck harder.
Suck and spit.
So, what's this
new intelligence, marber?
We've identified the partner,
sir. He's graves' brother.
Brother?
Kyle Alan butcher,
a.K.A. Nobby butcher.
A maelstrom sleeper,
no doubt.
Just some working-class scum.
Find them and kill them.
Yes, sir.
I found the assassin.
He's pavel lukashenko.
He's on route to South Africa.
Good.
Yeah. And they know
about your brother.
No problem.
I'm about to ditch him.
Listen.
They'll kill him and his family
too if they catch him.
Do you really want
your brother to die?
Forget it.
Look, I need to talk
to your friend.
Uh, what--? Milky?
The fish travel agent?
What, so you can
gob-rape him too?
You monster.
No.
We're going
to South Africa.
Really?
I'm going on holiday
with me babby brother.
It's a semifinal that has
become gripped by tension.
And england to have the ball.
Time for one last attack, baby.
Come on, Sterling.
The ball's broken for Sterling.
Get in there.
Raheem Sterling's through.
And raheem Sterling
scores for england!
That surely puts england
into the final in Chile.
Here we go!
We spit on your face!
Here we go! Here we go!
Nobby. They're beating up
Zeke Stanton.
Nazi bastard!
Pitch invasion!
Pitch invasion!
- Nazi scum!
- Let's get them!
- Come on.
- Yeah!
That's it. England are going
to the final in Chile.
Jodie.
Hi, daddy.
No, no, stop doing that now.
It's weird.
I've discovered
where lukashenko is.
I tracked him to the tshukaru
bush lodge in kruger park.
He's meeting up with
a biochemist called joris smit.
Maelstrom are clearly
buying something from him.
He's currently in a hotel room
with Lina smit, his wife,
famed for her promiscuity.
You need to find out from her.
You may need to seduce her.
Well, as you know,
I'll do anything for england.
Book me a room at the lodge.
I have done.
Your alias is Mr. Shelton.
Hey, English.
What?
I have something for you
to celebrate:
The best heroin in Africa.
Enjoy.
I'm embarrassed to say I've
never actually tried any before.
You'll like it.
Listen,
I'd love to stay in touch.
Are you on e-mail or...?
Linkedin.
It is
tabansinyaguraheroindealer15.
Yes.
Who's that you were
talking to?
That is me new mate,
tabansi.
He flies to and from
south America
with drugs rammed up
his bottom.
It's either that
or a life of crime.
Nobby.
I'll be gone
for a couple of hours.
Why? What are you up to?
I'm meeting someone to find out
why lukashenko came here.
You stay here,
understood?
Oh, no.
I think I might've
mixed up our needles.
Oh, my god.
You can't do a secret mission
on heroin.
Not to worry,
all right?
Just leave the spying
to your brother.
Sebastian?
No, he's currently on couch,
smacked off his tits.
Who is this?
I'm his brother, nobby.
Can I help?
Nobby, I need you
to listen to me.
You are going to have
to take his place.
You need to head
to maitland station.
There, you'll meet a driver
from tshukaru bush lodge.
When you meet him,
your alias is Mr. Shelton.
Did you get that?
I'll send the information
to your lens.
Oh, no. Open the door!
Open the door!
Okay, you need to head inside,
find Lina smit and seduce her.
What, and cheat on dawny?
Never.
You need to seduce her
in order to find out
what lukashenko
bought from her husband.
Okay.
Can you see Lina smit?
She's easy to spot.
She's wearing a green dress,
and she's absolutely gorgeous.
Oh, no.
She is gorgeous.
Got her?
Bingo.
I've got to go.
Remember, act sophisticated.
Hello, pussycat.
The name is...
Shelton.
M.R. Shelton.
I've been looking for you.
You want room clean?
Room clean?
Yeah. Yes. "Room clean."
From top to bottom.
I'm in 23.
But together,
we could make it 69.
Okay. I come soon.
Come on.
Ugh!
Good afternoon.
Hello. There's an emergency.
It's a code brown.
A code brown, sir?
I've blocked the toiletry.
Could you send somebody up
as soon as you can, please?
Okay, Mr. Shelton.
I will send you
assistance.
Sebastian graves is here.
Go to his room and seduce him.
I'll be there soon.
Oh, good. Maintenance is here.
Mr. Shelton.
That is really
fast service.
I only just called down.
Thank you for coming
so quickly.
I hope I can reciprocate.
Yeah.
Anyway, uh, follow me.
Uh, ahem, come on.
In here. Let's do this.
Not your usual place to do it.
What? Why?
Where did you expect me
to do it?
In the bed.
In the-- in the bed?
I'm not an animal.
I haven't done one in a bed
for over five weeks.
Let's be quick with this.
Shall I show it to you?
How do I know
that when I see it,
I won't fall
madly in love with you?
There's really
not much danger of that.
It's enormous.
All the better.
How hard is it?
Well, okay.
Let me try and remember.
Um...
I mean, the top of it is,
you know, very hard.
Actually,
painfully so.
Mmm.
Then kind of medium soft.
And at the base of it,
really hard again.
Now, should I tell you
what I'm gonna do with it?
No.
I'm gonna take it
in my hand.
All of it.
Right.
That's very unusual.
Yeah.
Right?
And then I'm gonna kiss it.
Gonna kiss it?
And I'm gonna put
all of it in my mouth.
This is worse
than 2 girls and 1 cup.
I bet it tastes like
strawberries.
And I bet you that it tastes
of kebab with extra curry sauce.
Listen. You're a total
fucking weirdo, right?
Just stay in here
and do not come out.
Okay.
So we meet again.
Please, come in.
Okay.
What are you doing?
Let someone else do that.
Please excuse me
for one moment.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm getting myself ready.
Shh! Listen, I get it.
You don't wanna get any
brown shrapnel on your clothes.
Brown-- brown shrapnel?
This.
You see? Hard, soft, hard.
May the best man win.
- I go in there now.
- No, no, no.
Let's get acquainted.
Has anyone ever told you
that you're a very
beautiful woman?
You are the most
beautiful thing
to ever walk the lord's
green earth.
We're getting signal
from graves' lens, sir.
Put it up.
So, what are we looking at?
Good god, graves.
Whoo!
Why did lukashenko
meet your husband?
Can you zoom in
on that stationery?
Send the coordinates
to chilcott.
You'd rather make love
to a maid than me?
Maid?
Banu, out!
Sorry, Mrs. smit.
Mrs. smit?
Get out, banu!
I'm so sorry. Sorry.
Now, let me show you
how wild this animal can be.
Did you really think I'd let you
sleep with my wife, Mr. graves?
No. But then again,
i never thought
that she'd chop up me poo
with a coat hanger.
Goodbye, Sebastian graves.
That's not Sebastian graves.
You okay?
Yeah.
How was the heroin?
Better than expected.
Why did lukashenko
meet your husband?
What are maelstrom planning?
I don't know.
Seb, don't.
Don't take it personal, love.
He kills everyone.
It's because he used
to wet the bed.
It's important she knows.
It's not important.
Well, it was important
to the boy on the bunk under you
who used to get
dripped on at night.
Get on with it.
Just tell us what you know,
and he'll let you live.
Come on.
Lukashenko bought
some kind of virus.
When is he gonna use it?
Tomorrow.
Where are they gonna
release the virus?
They'll--
get down!
Stay down!
It's chilcott. Move!
Come on!
Come on. Run.
There's nowhere to hide.
I got an idea.
Oh, great.
Because your ideas
have netted nothing
but gold up to this point.
You're gonna follow me
and do exactly
what your big brother says.
Hurry!
Come on.
Where'd they go?
They were just here.
Spread out.
Find them.
Oh, god, this is disgusting.
Sir, take a look at this!
- Check if they've gone.
- I'm trying to.
What can you see?
They've gone?
The coast is clear.
Good. Let's get out of here.
Oh, no.
Oh, fuck me!
Brace yourself, seb!
Get off him!
Get it off me. Aah!
The male can fuck
for up to three hours.
We have to make it come.
I saw it on the BBC.
You work the shaft,
and I'll cradle the balls.
It's gonna
break my neck.
I got them.
Come on, sebbo.
You can do it.
I'm doing it!
I'm doing it!
Put your tongue in the peehole.
Don't be stupid.
I think we're in business.
I think we're in business.
Come on. Come on.
Oh, god.
That is revolting!
Hakuna matata.
Well done.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
It's a trickle
of pre-ejaculate at most.
Grow up.
See if the coast is clear.
Oh, no.
What? What is it?
It's an elephant
bukkake party.
Get it out.
It's breaking me asshole.
Not much longer now.
Brace yourself! Aah!
No!
All right.
Are you okay?
No, I'm not okay.
I just did
an entirely white poo.
You need to get cleaned up.
Get in.
Is me ass okay?
Huh?
Yeah, it's good.
It's really good.
Are those your bollocks?
Someone's given you a hickey
on your right nut.
That was you.
Oh.
It's Jodie.
She could be your missus.
No, I could never be
with one woman.
Well, you're missing out
on the greatest gift in life:
Family.
The only gift I ever got
from my family was betrayal.
Why did you do it?
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter?
You abandoned me
when I was 6.
Now, why?
We have made our decision.
We've decided we can take one
of the brothers, Mr. lowsley.
But Mr. and Mrs. graves,
these boys are inseparable.
It would break their hearts,
and affect them both very badly.
This is the decision
we have come to.
But that would leave one
of the brothers
in the foster system
in grimsby.
It's no place for a boy.
He'll have no future here.
All aboard!
Sebastian
nobby!
Have you seen
me brother nobby?
Nobby!
No! Nobby!
Come back, nobby!
Oh, my god.
So I could have had
your life?
That's right.
And you could have had mine.
Nobby...
I...
I am so sorry.
Wait.
I think our penises
just fist-bumped.
Disengage.
You need to focus, right?
Yeah.
You need to find out
where maelstrom
are planning to blow up
tomorrow.
And I need to find a pub
to watch the final in.
Hold on. That's it.
They're gonna blow up the sun.
No, they're planning to bomb
the final in Chile.
What?
How are we supposed to get
halfway around the world
in 12 hours
with the entire global
intelligence community
trying to kill me?
We'll never make it.
I searched for you
for 28 years.
I do not believe in never.
That's the beauty of linkedin.
Hey, nobb-man.
How is your brother
going to blend in
with those football
hooligans
looking like the guy
from despicable me?
England!
England!
English and German fans
have been arriving here
in Santiago
throughout the last
few days.
Looks like the perfect place
to come and watch
your national team play
for what is ultimately
the greatest prize
in world football.
This is a truly
international occasion.
We've seen Donald trump.
Star of stage and screen,
Daniel Radcliffe is here.
Middle east peace symbol
schlomo khalidi,
looking much better,
is here too.
So much color and noise.
And there will be plenty of
both at the end of the match,
because the final whistle
will trigger
what we are told will be
the biggest firework display
ever seen at a sporting event.
When we was kids,
did you ever think that we'd end
up going to the final together?
Yes, I did, brother.
Nobby!
No.
Surprise!
Oh!
I missed you so much.
Hey. Our favorite spy!
He's MI6's finest!
He's MI6's finest!
Keep quiet.
Nothing to see!
There's a commotion, sir.
Get in closer.
Graves.
Nobby.
Hey. I'll be back. Coddy!
Wait. Nobby!
Let's go.
Sebbo? Sebbo?
Sebbo!
Oi!
Seb!
Got you.
What is this place?
Oh, my god.
Maelstrom are sex
traffickers.
Listen to me.
You've gotta get out
before they sell you
to the highest bidder.
Get out. Get out now. Out.
Out. Shh! Quiet. You don't have
to live like this.
Get out. Out. Get out.
Regain your dignity. Out.
Seb.
"The rapist."
Hey.
Nobody buggers me brother.
A man can only take
so much jizz.
Get off him!
Aah!
Wait.
You're not seb.
You must be freezing.
You.
Pleasure to meet you,
Sebastian.
I could understand why you
might want to kill
the head of
the world health organization.
Why bomb the final?
Bomb?
There is no bomb.
It's a disease.
It's a virus called rd-9.
Or as I like to call it,
worldcure.
At the end of the game,
everyone in the stadium
will be infected.
It should take
two to three weeks
for symptoms
to start showing up.
By which time, 96,000 fans
from almost every country
in the world
will be back home,
spreading the disease.
Why are you doing this?
Well, think about it.
We have 7 billion people
running around
on a planet
that can only hold 5.
I'm just trying
to make the world
a better place,
that's all.
By deleting the surplus.
"Cure the world."
And whom, exactly,
do you intend to delete?
The garbage.
The imbeciles
who lie around drunk,
reproducing like rabbits.
And sitting there
with their hand out,
expecting the rest of us
to pay.
And let's be frank,
who's gonna miss them anyway?
Kill him.
You're new to this.
You ever killed
a man before?
Are you gonna shoot me?
No.
How is it you English
football supporters say?
Oh, yes.
You're going to get
your bloody head kicked in.
Ow!
Maybe just shoot me.
Get up.
Time to say goodbye to your
hideous pig wife.
Let me give you some advice,
Ukrainian Ben affleck.
Never, ever slag off
a grimsby lass.
You don't have guts.
Whoa.
Well, that were easy.
Hiya.
Amazing.
Gotta get one of these
for the kids.
You have a family?
I just reconnected
with mine.
I'm going to go home and--
this killing business
is a right laugh, isn't it?
I understand why
you love guns so much.
I mean, it completely
detaches you
from the guilt
of your actions.
Ta-da!
Bonus point.
Will you stop
shooting everything?
It's Germany 1, england 1,
and it's anyone's final now.
Get that feed up. Come on.
I'm trying.
So little time remaining.
Four minutes
to decide the final.
Mission accomplished.
All we need
is england to score.
This'll be the best day
of my life.
What? Every man, woman and child
in this stadium is about to die.
Put this in your ear.
Jodie, I need you
to check for anywhere
that might contain
the virus.
Okay, I will scan
for the chemical signature.
This is hopeless.
No, it's not.
Look who just sat down.
We need to stop her
before she sets off the virus.
All right, listen,
let's go around the stadium.
We can't go around.
There's not enough time.
We need to go across the pitch.
Pitch invasion.
Too much security.
We'll never make it alone.
Alone?
We are not alone.
It's england who are looking
the more likely
to steal a late winner.
Hey, give me that.
Nobby! Sit down! Come on.
Men and women of grimsby,
listen up.
This is important.
You see that lass over there?
What? Sharon Osbourne?
No. She's gonna release
this deadly virus,
and it's gonna kill
poor people like us,
because she thinks
that we are scum.
Bloody hell, nobby,
we are scum.
Well-- well, you are, Pete.
You're a registered
sex offender.
That's not a compliment.
So we're scum, are we?
Well, let me tell you
something about scum:
It's scum who built
the hospitals
that are now closing down.
Yeah.
It's scum who die in the wars
started by the bastards
in charge.
Yeah!
It's scum that keep
the fast and furious
franchise alive.
Yeah!
So I ask you
to join with us now
and storm that pitch...
Yeah!
...and show the world that scum
cannot be washed away, ever.
Yeah!
Yeah!
We are the scum!
Yeah!
We started too early.
Whoo!
It's graves.
Keep him away from me.
Okay, the target is on the move.
I'll sync with your lens.
Nobby, you ready
for a fight?
I thought you'd never ask.
Green earth.
Target heading
southwest
through the German section.
Come on.
Well, sanity has returned,
and so have the players.
The show will go on.
The final will be restarted.
Jodie, where's the virus?
I still can't find it.
Nobby, meet the head
of the biggest
crime syndicate in the world.
What, she runs fifa?
Who's this idiot?
His name's Sebastian.
Boys!
Oh, bollocks.
Go!
Quick! She's getting away!
So we meet again.
I found it.
The virus is in
one of the fireworks.
Shoot her before
she gets to the detonator.
But what if I miss?
I trust you.
Oi!
Ten seconds.
That's all that's left.
Oh, look at Sterling!
What a chance!
Oh, no!
It's going over the bar!
Oh, no, it's not.
But wait! What's happened
to the ball?
It's bounced in!
No, the referee's
gonna disallow it.
The goal stands.
Yes!
England have won it!
Come on, nobby.
Stop shooting everything
and focus.
Don't worry. I've got this.
Jodie, me gun's jammed.
Oh, no.
Excuse me, miss.
Yes?
Go fuck yourself!
Aah!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes! We did it, seb!
Yeah! Yeah!
Sanjiv, now!
Got it.
What? Please, no! No!
Goodbye, Sebastian.
No! No!
Cure the world!
No!
Too late!
There's no way to stop
the fireworks!
I'll jump on them.
It won't work.
The virus is in the tip
of the firework.
It would need to explode
within a contained environment
to stop it spreading.
There's nothing
you can do.
Yes, there is.
I'm from grimsby.
Jodie, which firework is it in?
It's in the central
left-hand rocket.
What are you doing?
Contributing to society.
Aah!
Oh, nobby. It's the firework
to your left, not my left.
For fuck's sake!
Tell my kids
that daddy died with dignity.
Nobby, can you hear me?
The firework next to you
also has the virus.
What? No.
But I don't have
another asshole.
I need another asshole.
You've got one.
I'm from grimsby too...
And I'm never gonna let you
leave me again.
Oh, my god, graves.
Butcher boys of grimsby,
together...
Forever.
Donald trump has aids.
Philanthropist Rhonda George
has been arrested.
Middle east peace symbol
schlomo khalidi is in custody
following the murder
of MI6 agent Jeremy chilcott.
I didn't do it. I've had
the worst week ever.
- Israel.
- Palestine. All of you.
England fans in high spirits
after cup final victory.
Rogue MI6 operative
Sebastian graves
and his brother
nobby butcher
died at the scene while
preventing the release
of a deadly toxin.
In other news,
a south African hotel maid
has filed a suit alleging
sexual assault
by oasis frontman
Liam Gallagher.
Gallagher is also being sought
for abusing an elephant
in conjunction with fast
and furious star vin diesel.
Naturally, you'll both
be needing new identities.
How are you guys doing?
How does me ass look?
Good. Uh, really good.
It's a bit smoky in here, Jodie.
Can we have the fan on, please?
Uh, of course.
So you were saved
from the virus
by an antibody
found in elephant semen,
which lined, uh...
...your innards.
We're like a pair
of pan pipes.
Great.
And I thought you were
going to be faithful, Sebastian.
You know, you really filled
a hole in my life.
Hiya!
- Nobby.
- Dad.
Oh, my god.
I'm so glad that you're alive.
You know what?
Family.
It's the greatest gift
in life.
Stop throwing coins in there.
It's not a brown wishing well.
You are now transmitting.
Stand by. Stand by.
Eyes on the target.
Listen, we're sending
information to your lens.
I've got this. Blue earth.
Hiya, bruv.
Good, you're early.
Yes, I am.
Did you meet the team?
Excuse me.
Which way to the stadium?
Straight on for 5 kilometers,
then to the right.
Thank you.
Leave no witnesses.
I love you too.
We'll take it.
One, two, three.
Push.
But, dad, I'm out of breath.
Yeah, well,
i told you not to smoke.
I thought you just
meant crack.
No, I meant cigarettes too.
At your age,
you should just be vaping.
Push.
Where's mum?
She's still in
the furniture store.
Hey, dad,
let's put it in here.
No. That is me brother's room.
But, dad, he's been missing
for 28 years.
We need the room.
There's nine of us.
No. I'm keeping it
the way he likes it.
Though when he comes back,
i will have to break it to him
that some of his childhood
heroes didn't love women
as much as we thought
they did.
And one of them liked them
a little too much.
Dad, you're never gonna
find him.
You might as well just give up.
Give up?
I know he's out there
somewhere.
And one day,
he's gonna join
our family again.
Green earth.
Agent graves,
your feed is live.
The target is maelstrom's
second in command.
He has information
we must extract.
Capture and interrogate.
Do not terminate.
Interception in nine, eight,
seven, six,
five, four,
three, two, one.
Eyes on the target.
Easy. Eyes on the target.
Be advised,
multiple hostiles to the east.
Target mobile.
Target heading north.
Alpha 1's now bravo 1.
He's mobile.
Roger that.
Out of the way.
Move, move, move.
May I borrow this?
Thank you.
Now complete on bravo 1,
following bravo 1.
Alpha 1 now on foxtrot.
I'm in pursuit.
Hostiles to your south,
advancing on your position.
Bravo 1 is now mobile.
He has backup. End pursuit now.
I'd rather not.
Come on. My gun!
Commander, relay back.
We are now nearing the limit
of live feed transmission.
Hello, chaps.
Permission to abort now.
Commander, acknowledge.
Goodbye.
Buckle up!
Lonomia caterpillar toxin's
entered your bloodstream,
Mr. beder.
You have 90 seconds
until heart failure.
I do, however,
have the antidote here.
Perhaps you'd like
to tell me what your friends
at the maelstrom syndicate
are planning.
Sixty seconds.
Rhonda George.
An assassination.
Rhonda George?
She's the actress
and philanthropist.
She's hosting an event
for worldcure in two days, sir.
Give me the antidote.
It's too late,
I'm afraid.
I want you at this event,
Sebastian.
Very wise,
commander ledford.
Welbeck's touch.
Rooney's there too.
Now carrick, here's baines.
Oh, he's free.
England are heading
to the semis,
to the delight
of millions at home!
Hey, everyone.
Let's celebrate
responsibly.
Oh!
Can't believe
it's happened again.
Get it out. Get it out.
Get it out. Get out.
He's gonna blow!
Out the way, ladies.
I've got the fire extinguisher.
Thank the lord.
Where's nobby? Where is he?
Where's nobby? Nobby!
Nobby. Nobby, nobby.
Why are you
so out of breath?
I've run all the way
from home.
But you only live
across the street.
Do you remember me cousin,
digger?
What, the thief?
Yeah.
Well, he was nicking coats
at a posh event the other night,
and you'll never guess
who he saw.
Who?
We finally found him.
We finally found
your brother.
Nobby and Sebastian butcher.
We're the butcher boys
of grimsby.
They'll never split us up.
Forever!
Forever!
Your brother is gonna be
at a fancy party tomorrow.
But how will I get in?
Me cousin's nicked you
a ticket.
Leaders from around the world,
such as the head of
the world health organization
Javier Alvarez and celebrities,
including Daniel Radcliffe,
have gathered at this
worldcure event,
sponsored by philanthropist,
Rhonda George.
Green earth.
Agent graves,
your feed is live.
Who's this in my ear?
It's me.
And stop flirting.
We're on an open channel.
Right.
How much?
Complimentary, sir.
How now?
Hi.
Have you seen me brother?
He's called Sebastian.
Here's a photo of him.
It was taken a few years ago.
Are you in position yet,
agent graves?
Uh-oh.
Come on. It's stuck.
Come on.
Please welcome Rhonda George.
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
When I started worldcure,
people would constantly
say to me:
"You cannot rid the world
of disease."
I would look them
straight in the eye
and say, "yes, I can."
Can you detect
any imminent threat, graves?
We are gonna figure this out.
And it all starts right here,
right now,
with one little boy.
His name is schlomo khalidi.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we will cure the world.
Mummy was Jewish.
Daddy was palestinian.
But they both loved each other
so very much.
I was born with HIV.
Now I am very sick with aids.
Yes! Fantastic!
You are not
coming back from that!
Shh!
Though this disease
may kill me...
The operator.
...Why can't we stop
killing each other
in the middle east?
Where's the operator?
The camera's a gun.
Damn. The camera's a gun!
Who are you?
It's me.
Nobby.
Nobby?
What the hell
just happened?
The head of the world health
organization's been shot.
Locate the shooter!
Locate the shooter!
There's the shooter!
Tiger tail. Undercover.
My shot was compromised.
Take him out!
Sir, we have confirmation.
Graves took the shot.
Graves?
Ow!
Cut it out. Leave him alone.
Behind you!
How can I help?
You can stay away from me.
You need me help.
Fucking twat.
Goodbye, nobby.
Don't worry.
I won't leave you!
Aah!
Aah! My ankle!
Me bottle.
Get off me!
Come on.
The ankle's shattered.
You'll need to carry me.
Come on.
Get over me shoulder.
Sorry.
Get in.
Hey! Move away from the car.
Soon as I've printed
your ticket.
Come on.
You'll have to drive.
Move. Not that one!
What happened?
Never mind.
Just get going.
Come on, it's dangerous!
Get out of the car now!
Don't worry.
It's bulletproof.
You can't hurt us.
No.
We've got bulletproof glass.
Aah!
Roll it up!
Roll it up!
Just go. Now.
Oh, great. We can watch
the match while escaping.
Watch out!
Aah!
He's gonna take the penalty.
There's a penalty.
Nobby, forget the football.
You're gonna drown.
I'm getting out
after he's taken penalty.
Listen to me.
Miss it!
Take a breath.
And he...
Fuck!
Director general of
the world health organization,
Dr. Javier Alvarez,
is dead.
He was caught
in the crossfire
of an apparent
assassination attempt
on philanthropist
Rhonda George.
A huge manhunt is underway
to find a rogue secret agent
who first shot middle east
peace symbol
schlomo khalidi.
The boy's aids-tainted blood
then sprayed into the mouth
of Harry Potter star
Daniel Radcliffe.
Sources tell us
that Radcliffe,
who had numerous open sores
in his mouth,
has tested positive for HIV.
We're digging
into his background now, sir.
Trying to work out how
maelstrom could've got to him.
What do you want us
to do, sir?
Activate chilcott.
Chilcott was dismissed
for good reason, sir.
Activate chilcott.
Isn't life strange?
I mean, yesterday
I'm having a normal day
down the pub with me mates
with a firework up me ass.
And here we are now,
with me brother,
doing some running
and swimming,
all different types
of cardio.
Can I ask you a question?
Are you a vin diesel
impersonator?
Or are you a hit man who
specializes in kids with aids?
What? I'm a secret agent,
i work for an offshoot of MI6.
How could you not tell
your own brother what you do?
Because within the title of my
occupation is the word "secret."
But if you can't trust family,
who can you trust?
Trust you? Trust you?
Because of you,
the head of the world
health organization is dead
and Harry Potter has aids.
You managed to do in
three seconds
what Voldemort failed to do
in eight movies.
Don't wet your knickers.
It's treatable.
Ooh, heroin.
That stuff's addictive.
It's a gateway drug.
To what?
To more heroin.
This is not heroin,
this is rapid bone calcifier.
It fills the fractures
in my ankle,
hardens the bone and muscle
around it so that I can walk.
Why, what happened
to your ankle?
You fell on it.
Hello.
I didn't do it.
I need your help.
If I help you, I'll be arrested.
If you don't, I could be dead
by the end of the day.
All right, listen.
Ledford activated someone
called chil-something.
That's all I know.
Chilcott?
Oh, Jesus, he's a psychopath.
That's a kill order.
Oh, god.
Jodie, I need you
to do something for me.
I need you to find out
the identity of the man
who killed Javier Alvarez.
If I can find him,
it will clear my name.
Can you do that?
I'll try.
Seb, can I press
this red button?
Aah! God's sake.
What?
You just implanted
a tracking device in my neck!
At least I won't lose you
for another 28 years.
I forgot to mention,
i got you a present.
What?
Two tickets for me and you
to go to Chile to see england
play in the final.
How do you know if england
are gonna be in the final?
Well, they'd better be
because I just got this done.
England, world "championes,"
That says 200,016.
No, it says 2016.
That's 198,000 years
from now.
In that case, I got two zeroes
for free, so who's the idiot?
What are you doing?
I need to disappear.
There are people
looking for me.
You won't see me again.
Good luck, nobby.
Yeah.
Okay. No, no, you're right.
I should-- I should be
heading back home anyway.
Got to see the family.
It's good to reconnect.
Take care, eh?
Take care.
Wait. Since you're a spy,
does that mean no one knows
I'm your brother?
Exactly.
Well, then, I've got the perfect
place for you to hide.
Oh, no.
Oh, it's so good
to have you back
in grimsby.
You probably don't recognize it
since it were gentrified.
I am not from grimsby.
Hiya.
Hiya.
I've got a girlfriend.
It's nothing serious.
But she's fit as fuck,
so hands to yourself.
Go on. Shoes off.
Hey.
Missed you, dad.
Missed you too.
Was I not clear when I said
i needed a secure location?
This place
is totally secure.
Although I don't know
who she is.
I'm just being hilarious.
That's our Britney.
You want a cup of tea?
There's a kebab.
You can have anything
you want there.
It's a kitchen, fully stocked.
Shut your fucking mouth,
cartman!
And this is our new babby,
django unchained.
Hey, dad.
Who's that?
That's me oldest son, skeletor.
Hiya. Hey!
What's that, another son?
Don't be daft.
That's our grandson,
gangnam style.
Hiya.
Hi, dad.
And this here is Luke.
We call him that
because he's got leukemia.
I'm so sorry.
He doesn't really.
We just shave his head
so we can claim
the welfare for it.
What?
You know what?
You're looking at
a gold mine up there.
This tragedy can turn
into 65 pound 40 a week.
All right,
chemistry class is over.
Time for biology.
At its maximum,
the mother's uterus
expands to 25 cubic feet.
Who's this?
Who's that?
The other bald man. Who's this?
Jason.
He's Jason.
I'm Jason.
I've got 11 kids.
Not easy to remember them all.
Aah!
His name is not Sebastian,
and that's all
you need to know.
What the fuck are you on about,
dad? It's uncle coddy.
Give us a hug.
I can't believe it's you.
Welcome back to grimsby.
They're your family. Those are
your nephews and nieces.
How do they know who I am?
I might've mentioned you
couple of times
over the years.
"Couple of times"?
I'll show him your wall, dad.
There's you as a kid.
Leg it!
You little bastards.
Give me back me ball!
Fuck off.
Nobby. Pass us the ball.
Come on.
Pass it.
He's gonna score.
England's gonna win the final.
Nobby, shoot!
Oh...
Morning, officer.
Nobby and Sebastian butcher.
We were trying to return
that beautiful ball
to its rightful owner.
It's not about the ball, lads.
Look, seb. That's the couple
that's adopting us.
They're from London.
You're coming with me.
Right, nobby?
Of course.
I'd never leave
my little brother.
It's all right to be sad.
But it's not all right
to stand there and whinge
like a low mopey bastard.
Who are we?
Come on, say it.
We're butcher boys
of grimsby.
I didn't hear you.
Say it again.
We're the fucking
butcher boys of grimsby.
They'll never split us up.
Forever!
Forever!
Anyway, your uncle don't want
to look at pictures
of me and him all day,
do you?
No.
What?
No.
All right. Come on.
Let's take a look
at me travel photos of London.
Come on, everyone.
Come on, squeeze up, squeeze up.
This is the Norfolk arms.
This is the dog and duck.
This is the three crowns.
And this is charing cross
police station.
Fucking pigs.
This is me with some free booze.
And this is me with me finger
up an African boy's ass.
Wait a minute. Go back.
Let me see.
It's the assassin.
Listen, London were fab.
But I missed you lot.
Missed you too.
Missed you too, dad.
Answer it.
Yes, sir.
Hello?
Ledford's watching you,
isn't he?
Say, "hi, daddy."
Hi, daddy.
Aww.
Check your e-mail.
Find out who that is.
You'll have to access the global
facial recognition grid.
And how am I going to do that?
Figure it out.
Hiya.
That the love of me life, dawny?
Is that my darling nobby?
I'm back.
I missed you so much.
Me too.
All right, kids.
Out. Now.
Out. Listen to your mum.
Out quick.
I got something very important
that I need to tell your dad.
What is it?
I lost me panties.
You sure your ass
hasn't eaten them again?
No, you daft twat.
I didn't put any on.
Ooh, I'm getting stiffer
than a pedophile at legoland.
Oh, look.
I'm exactly like
Sharon Stallone
in basic instincts.
Don't worry.
That didn't come out
me bum.
Oh.
That one did.
No problem.
Get over here.
I know you must
be gagging for it.
All right.
Come here, nobby.
Hey.
What?
I'm hungry
for a grimsby breakfast.
Well, the buffet's open.
I'll need a table for one.
It's all-you-can-eat.
See you in about
60 minutes.
Get going.
Ahem, nobby.
Oh.
That's me darts partner,
um...Ben Kingsley.
Nobby, what do you
take me for?
I know who that is.
That's your brother.
Where the fuck you been
all these years?
I've been busy. Congratulations,
by the way. When are you due?
Oh, I'm not pregnant.
I'm just fucking fat.
- Nobby.
- What?
It's imperative
no one know that I'm here.
You need somewhere isolated
where there's no one around?
Exactly.
All right.
I know just the place.
It's just this way,
past the train station.
- All aboard the 915,
- grimsby to London.
In you go.
Do you think our new parents
will let us sleep
in the same room?
If we have bunk beds,
can I have the top?
You can have the top,
little man.
Go and have a pee now
before the other passengers do.
Okay, bruv.
And Sebastian...
What is it?
Nothing.
Nobby?
Nobby?
Nobby? Nobby?
Nobby? Nobby?
Have you seen me brother, nobby?
Nobby, where are you? Nobby!
No! Nobby!
Come back!
Come back, nobby!
Sebbo. Come on.
I know. It's great to be back,
isn't it?
Here we go.
Just in here.
You sure this location
is secure?
Relax.
Trust your brother.
Surprise!
No, no! Seb!
Come on, no.
No, they're our folk.
Welcome home.
Nobody's supposed
to know I'm here.
No one does know you're here.
These people know
I'm here.
- Do you know he's here?
- No!
We are here.
Good work, chilcott.
How did you find him?
Let's just call it
professional intuition.
What's that smell?
That's me. Milky pimms.
Oh.
I work our docks.
We transport COD
all over the world.
Fascinating.
Can I help you?
Chilcott. Move.
What is it?
Oh, god, I'm cornered.
I should never
have come here alone.
You're never alone
in grimsby, bruv.
Lads. Lads.
See those blokes out there?
Those are Manchester united
supporters.
How dare those twats
show up here?
Delay them. I promise
I'll burn your school down.
No school!
Come on.
Oi, lads.
Get the ball!
- Let's go, lads.
- They've got guns!
Excuse me, sir.
I think you dropped something.
Dropped what?
You're in grimsby now,
you git!
Do you think I'll hesitate
to kill you? Little bastard.
Now!
Sanjiv, now!
Fish factory, this way.
Come on, fish factory.
Go there.
Quick. In there. Let's go.
Aah!
Seb.
What have you done?
You've killed him.
Nobby, what are you doing?
I'm showing some respect
for the dead.
There you go, mate.
Nobby!
What?
Get over here.
What is it?
I need you to suck
this wound in my shoulder.
No, no, no, I don't put my lips
on another man's shoulder.
That's very gay.
Do it now.
People have been
chucked out of grimsby
for ordering
a vegetarian breakfast.
That pellet was filled with
lonomia caterpillar toxin.
I'll be dead in 90 seconds
if you don't suck it out.
Okay, okay.
Suck hard.
That's it.
Don't swallow the poison.
And now spit it out.
Well done.
Praise the lord.
I thought I'd lost you,
brother.
I love you so much.
Nobby.
What?
I've been hit somewhere else.
Where?
I'm not falling for that one.
No way.
No, you don't--
what are you doing?
No, why are you
taking those off?
The toxin's coursing through
the left lobule of my teste.
Up the spermatic plexus
to my kidneys. Suck it.
Whoo!
As Jesus said,
"thou shalt not suck off
your own fucking brother."
Do it, or I'll be dead
in 60 seconds.
I've been searching for you
for almost 30 year.
I could've found you
in two minutes on grindr.
Choose. You can suck my scrotum
or you can let me die.
Okay.
What would you like written
on your gravestone?
Suck my balls!
Whoa!
I have less than 40 seconds.
All right.
This is for dad.
Suck it. Suck harder.
Suck and spit.
Suck and spit.
Suck and spit.
It's traveling too fast.
I need to be on top.
Over here.
What? No. I draw the line
at teabagging.
Must shake this out.
It's not working.
Coddy.
Coddy, don't go. Coddy.
I've lost you once.
I refuse to lose you again.
Oh!
That's it.
We did it.
You did it.
We did--
you just came on me face.
It was a trickle
of pre-ejaculate at most.
Grow up.
I envision a day when people
won't have to live like this.
A day when poverty
will be eradicated.
And I know it's possible.
Sir, we've got something.
Suck harder.
Suck and spit.
So, what's this
new intelligence, marber?
We've identified the partner,
sir. He's graves' brother.
Brother?
Kyle Alan butcher,
a.K.A. Nobby butcher.
A maelstrom sleeper,
no doubt.
Just some working-class scum.
Find them and kill them.
Yes, sir.
I found the assassin.
He's pavel lukashenko.
He's on route to South Africa.
Good.
Yeah. And they know
about your brother.
No problem.
I'm about to ditch him.
Listen.
They'll kill him and his family
too if they catch him.
Do you really want
your brother to die?
Forget it.
Look, I need to talk
to your friend.
Uh, what--? Milky?
The fish travel agent?
What, so you can
gob-rape him too?
You monster.
No.
We're going
to South Africa.
Really?
I'm going on holiday
with me babby brother.
It's a semifinal that has
become gripped by tension.
And england to have the ball.
Time for one last attack, baby.
Come on, Sterling.
The ball's broken for Sterling.
Get in there.
Raheem Sterling's through.
And raheem Sterling
scores for england!
That surely puts england
into the final in Chile.
Here we go!
We spit on your face!
Here we go! Here we go!
Nobby. They're beating up
Zeke Stanton.
Nazi bastard!
Pitch invasion!
Pitch invasion!
- Nazi scum!
- Let's get them!
- Come on.
- Yeah!
That's it. England are going
to the final in Chile.
Jodie.
Hi, daddy.
No, no, stop doing that now.
It's weird.
I've discovered
where lukashenko is.
I tracked him to the tshukaru
bush lodge in kruger park.
He's meeting up with
a biochemist called joris smit.
Maelstrom are clearly
buying something from him.
He's currently in a hotel room
with Lina smit, his wife,
famed for her promiscuity.
You need to find out from her.
You may need to seduce her.
Well, as you know,
I'll do anything for england.
Book me a room at the lodge.
I have done.
Your alias is Mr. Shelton.
Hey, English.
What?
I have something for you
to celebrate:
The best heroin in Africa.
Enjoy.
I'm embarrassed to say I've
never actually tried any before.
You'll like it.
Listen,
I'd love to stay in touch.
Are you on e-mail or...?
Linkedin.
It is
tabansinyaguraheroindealer15.
Yes.
Who's that you were
talking to?
That is me new mate,
tabansi.
He flies to and from
south America
with drugs rammed up
his bottom.
It's either that
or a life of crime.
Nobby.
I'll be gone
for a couple of hours.
Why? What are you up to?
I'm meeting someone to find out
why lukashenko came here.
You stay here,
understood?
Oh, no.
I think I might've
mixed up our needles.
Oh, my god.
You can't do a secret mission
on heroin.
Not to worry,
all right?
Just leave the spying
to your brother.
Sebastian?
No, he's currently on couch,
smacked off his tits.
Who is this?
I'm his brother, nobby.
Can I help?
Nobby, I need you
to listen to me.
You are going to have
to take his place.
You need to head
to maitland station.
There, you'll meet a driver
from tshukaru bush lodge.
When you meet him,
your alias is Mr. Shelton.
Did you get that?
I'll send the information
to your lens.
Oh, no. Open the door!
Open the door!
Okay, you need to head inside,
find Lina smit and seduce her.
What, and cheat on dawny?
Never.
You need to seduce her
in order to find out
what lukashenko
bought from her husband.
Okay.
Can you see Lina smit?
She's easy to spot.
She's wearing a green dress,
and she's absolutely gorgeous.
Oh, no.
She is gorgeous.
Got her?
Bingo.
I've got to go.
Remember, act sophisticated.
Hello, pussycat.
The name is...
Shelton.
M.R. Shelton.
I've been looking for you.
You want room clean?
Room clean?
Yeah. Yes. "Room clean."
From top to bottom.
I'm in 23.
But together,
we could make it 69.
Okay. I come soon.
Come on.
Ugh!
Good afternoon.
Hello. There's an emergency.
It's a code brown.
A code brown, sir?
I've blocked the toiletry.
Could you send somebody up
as soon as you can, please?
Okay, Mr. Shelton.
I will send you
assistance.
Sebastian graves is here.
Go to his room and seduce him.
I'll be there soon.
Oh, good. Maintenance is here.
Mr. Shelton.
That is really
fast service.
I only just called down.
Thank you for coming
so quickly.
I hope I can reciprocate.
Yeah.
Anyway, uh, follow me.
Uh, ahem, come on.
In here. Let's do this.
Not your usual place to do it.
What? Why?
Where did you expect me
to do it?
In the bed.
In the-- in the bed?
I'm not an animal.
I haven't done one in a bed
for over five weeks.
Let's be quick with this.
Shall I show it to you?
How do I know
that when I see it,
I won't fall
madly in love with you?
There's really
not much danger of that.
It's enormous.
All the better.
How hard is it?
Well, okay.
Let me try and remember.
Um...
I mean, the top of it is,
you know, very hard.
Actually,
painfully so.
Mmm.
Then kind of medium soft.
And at the base of it,
really hard again.
Now, should I tell you
what I'm gonna do with it?
No.
I'm gonna take it
in my hand.
All of it.
Right.
That's very unusual.
Yeah.
Right?
And then I'm gonna kiss it.
Gonna kiss it?
And I'm gonna put
all of it in my mouth.
This is worse
than 2 girls and 1 cup.
I bet it tastes like
strawberries.
And I bet you that it tastes
of kebab with extra curry sauce.
Listen. You're a total
fucking weirdo, right?
Just stay in here
and do not come out.
Okay.
So we meet again.
Please, come in.
Okay.
What are you doing?
Let someone else do that.
Please excuse me
for one moment.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm getting myself ready.
Shh! Listen, I get it.
You don't wanna get any
brown shrapnel on your clothes.
Brown-- brown shrapnel?
This.
You see? Hard, soft, hard.
May the best man win.
- I go in there now.
- No, no, no.
Let's get acquainted.
Has anyone ever told you
that you're a very
beautiful woman?
You are the most
beautiful thing
to ever walk the lord's
green earth.
We're getting signal
from graves' lens, sir.
Put it up.
So, what are we looking at?
Good god, graves.
Whoo!
Why did lukashenko
meet your husband?
Can you zoom in
on that stationery?
Send the coordinates
to chilcott.
You'd rather make love
to a maid than me?
Maid?
Banu, out!
Sorry, Mrs. smit.
Mrs. smit?
Get out, banu!
I'm so sorry. Sorry.
Now, let me show you
how wild this animal can be.
Did you really think I'd let you
sleep with my wife, Mr. graves?
No. But then again,
i never thought
that she'd chop up me poo
with a coat hanger.
Goodbye, Sebastian graves.
That's not Sebastian graves.
You okay?
Yeah.
How was the heroin?
Better than expected.
Why did lukashenko
meet your husband?
What are maelstrom planning?
I don't know.
Seb, don't.
Don't take it personal, love.
He kills everyone.
It's because he used
to wet the bed.
It's important she knows.
It's not important.
Well, it was important
to the boy on the bunk under you
who used to get
dripped on at night.
Get on with it.
Just tell us what you know,
and he'll let you live.
Come on.
Lukashenko bought
some kind of virus.
When is he gonna use it?
Tomorrow.
Where are they gonna
release the virus?
They'll--
get down!
Stay down!
It's chilcott. Move!
Come on!
Come on. Run.
There's nowhere to hide.
I got an idea.
Oh, great.
Because your ideas
have netted nothing
but gold up to this point.
You're gonna follow me
and do exactly
what your big brother says.
Hurry!
Come on.
Where'd they go?
They were just here.
Spread out.
Find them.
Oh, god, this is disgusting.
Sir, take a look at this!
- Check if they've gone.
- I'm trying to.
What can you see?
They've gone?
The coast is clear.
Good. Let's get out of here.
Oh, no.
Oh, fuck me!
Brace yourself, seb!
Get off him!
Get it off me. Aah!
The male can fuck
for up to three hours.
We have to make it come.
I saw it on the BBC.
You work the shaft,
and I'll cradle the balls.
It's gonna
break my neck.
I got them.
Come on, sebbo.
You can do it.
I'm doing it!
I'm doing it!
Put your tongue in the peehole.
Don't be stupid.
I think we're in business.
I think we're in business.
Come on. Come on.
Oh, god.
That is revolting!
Hakuna matata.
Well done.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
It's a trickle
of pre-ejaculate at most.
Grow up.
See if the coast is clear.
Oh, no.
What? What is it?
It's an elephant
bukkake party.
Get it out.
It's breaking me asshole.
Not much longer now.
Brace yourself! Aah!
No!
All right.
Are you okay?
No, I'm not okay.
I just did
an entirely white poo.
You need to get cleaned up.
Get in.
Is me ass okay?
Huh?
Yeah, it's good.
It's really good.
Are those your bollocks?
Someone's given you a hickey
on your right nut.
That was you.
Oh.
It's Jodie.
She could be your missus.
No, I could never be
with one woman.
Well, you're missing out
on the greatest gift in life:
Family.
The only gift I ever got
from my family was betrayal.
Why did you do it?
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter?
You abandoned me
when I was 6.
Now, why?
We have made our decision.
We've decided we can take one
of the brothers, Mr. lowsley.
But Mr. and Mrs. graves,
these boys are inseparable.
It would break their hearts,
and affect them both very badly.
This is the decision
we have come to.
But that would leave one
of the brothers
in the foster system
in grimsby.
It's no place for a boy.
He'll have no future here.
All aboard!
Sebastian
nobby!
Have you seen
me brother nobby?
Nobby!
No! Nobby!
Come back, nobby!
Oh, my god.
So I could have had
your life?
That's right.
And you could have had mine.
Nobby...
I...
I am so sorry.
Wait.
I think our penises
just fist-bumped.
Disengage.
You need to focus, right?
Yeah.
You need to find out
where maelstrom
are planning to blow up
tomorrow.
And I need to find a pub
to watch the final in.
Hold on. That's it.
They're gonna blow up the sun.
No, they're planning to bomb
the final in Chile.
What?
How are we supposed to get
halfway around the world
in 12 hours
with the entire global
intelligence community
trying to kill me?
We'll never make it.
I searched for you
for 28 years.
I do not believe in never.
That's the beauty of linkedin.
Hey, nobb-man.
How is your brother
going to blend in
with those football
hooligans
looking like the guy
from despicable me?
England!
England!
English and German fans
have been arriving here
in Santiago
throughout the last
few days.
Looks like the perfect place
to come and watch
your national team play
for what is ultimately
the greatest prize
in world football.
This is a truly
international occasion.
We've seen Donald trump.
Star of stage and screen,
Daniel Radcliffe is here.
Middle east peace symbol
schlomo khalidi,
looking much better,
is here too.
So much color and noise.
And there will be plenty of
both at the end of the match,
because the final whistle
will trigger
what we are told will be
the biggest firework display
ever seen at a sporting event.
When we was kids,
did you ever think that we'd end
up going to the final together?
Yes, I did, brother.
Nobby!
No.
Surprise!
Oh!
I missed you so much.
Hey. Our favorite spy!
He's MI6's finest!
He's MI6's finest!
Keep quiet.
Nothing to see!
There's a commotion, sir.
Get in closer.
Graves.
Nobby.
Hey. I'll be back. Coddy!
Wait. Nobby!
Let's go.
Sebbo? Sebbo?
Sebbo!
Oi!
Seb!
Got you.
What is this place?
Oh, my god.
Maelstrom are sex
traffickers.
Listen to me.
You've gotta get out
before they sell you
to the highest bidder.
Get out. Get out now. Out.
Out. Shh! Quiet. You don't have
to live like this.
Get out. Out. Get out.
Regain your dignity. Out.
Seb.
"The rapist."
Hey.
Nobody buggers me brother.
A man can only take
so much jizz.
Get off him!
Aah!
Wait.
You're not seb.
You must be freezing.
You.
Pleasure to meet you,
Sebastian.
I could understand why you
might want to kill
the head of
the world health organization.
Why bomb the final?
Bomb?
There is no bomb.
It's a disease.
It's a virus called rd-9.
Or as I like to call it,
worldcure.
At the end of the game,
everyone in the stadium
will be infected.
It should take
two to three weeks
for symptoms
to start showing up.
By which time, 96,000 fans
from almost every country
in the world
will be back home,
spreading the disease.
Why are you doing this?
Well, think about it.
We have 7 billion people
running around
on a planet
that can only hold 5.
I'm just trying
to make the world
a better place,
that's all.
By deleting the surplus.
"Cure the world."
And whom, exactly,
do you intend to delete?
The garbage.
The imbeciles
who lie around drunk,
reproducing like rabbits.
And sitting there
with their hand out,
expecting the rest of us
to pay.
And let's be frank,
who's gonna miss them anyway?
Kill him.
You're new to this.
You ever killed
a man before?
Are you gonna shoot me?
No.
How is it you English
football supporters say?
Oh, yes.
You're going to get
your bloody head kicked in.
Ow!
Maybe just shoot me.
Get up.
Time to say goodbye to your
hideous pig wife.
Let me give you some advice,
Ukrainian Ben affleck.
Never, ever slag off
a grimsby lass.
You don't have guts.
Whoa.
Well, that were easy.
Hiya.
Amazing.
Gotta get one of these
for the kids.
You have a family?
I just reconnected
with mine.
I'm going to go home and--
this killing business
is a right laugh, isn't it?
I understand why
you love guns so much.
I mean, it completely
detaches you
from the guilt
of your actions.
Ta-da!
Bonus point.
Will you stop
shooting everything?
It's Germany 1, england 1,
and it's anyone's final now.
Get that feed up. Come on.
I'm trying.
So little time remaining.
Four minutes
to decide the final.
Mission accomplished.
All we need
is england to score.
This'll be the best day
of my life.
What? Every man, woman and child
in this stadium is about to die.
Put this in your ear.
Jodie, I need you
to check for anywhere
that might contain
the virus.
Okay, I will scan
for the chemical signature.
This is hopeless.
No, it's not.
Look who just sat down.
We need to stop her
before she sets off the virus.
All right, listen,
let's go around the stadium.
We can't go around.
There's not enough time.
We need to go across the pitch.
Pitch invasion.
Too much security.
We'll never make it alone.
Alone?
We are not alone.
It's england who are looking
the more likely
to steal a late winner.
Hey, give me that.
Nobby! Sit down! Come on.
Men and women of grimsby,
listen up.
This is important.
You see that lass over there?
What? Sharon Osbourne?
No. She's gonna release
this deadly virus,
and it's gonna kill
poor people like us,
because she thinks
that we are scum.
Bloody hell, nobby,
we are scum.
Well-- well, you are, Pete.
You're a registered
sex offender.
That's not a compliment.
So we're scum, are we?
Well, let me tell you
something about scum:
It's scum who built
the hospitals
that are now closing down.
Yeah.
It's scum who die in the wars
started by the bastards
in charge.
Yeah!
It's scum that keep
the fast and furious
franchise alive.
Yeah!
So I ask you
to join with us now
and storm that pitch...
Yeah!
...and show the world that scum
cannot be washed away, ever.
Yeah!
Yeah!
We are the scum!
Yeah!
We started too early.
Whoo!
It's graves.
Keep him away from me.
Okay, the target is on the move.
I'll sync with your lens.
Nobby, you ready
for a fight?
I thought you'd never ask.
Green earth.
Target heading
southwest
through the German section.
Come on.
Well, sanity has returned,
and so have the players.
The show will go on.
The final will be restarted.
Jodie, where's the virus?
I still can't find it.
Nobby, meet the head
of the biggest
crime syndicate in the world.
What, she runs fifa?
Who's this idiot?
His name's Sebastian.
Boys!
Oh, bollocks.
Go!
Quick! She's getting away!
So we meet again.
I found it.
The virus is in
one of the fireworks.
Shoot her before
she gets to the detonator.
But what if I miss?
I trust you.
Oi!
Ten seconds.
That's all that's left.
Oh, look at Sterling!
What a chance!
Oh, no!
It's going over the bar!
Oh, no, it's not.
But wait! What's happened
to the ball?
It's bounced in!
No, the referee's
gonna disallow it.
The goal stands.
Yes!
England have won it!
Come on, nobby.
Stop shooting everything
and focus.
Don't worry. I've got this.
Jodie, me gun's jammed.
Oh, no.
Excuse me, miss.
Yes?
Go fuck yourself!
Aah!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes! We did it, seb!
Yeah! Yeah!
Sanjiv, now!
Got it.
What? Please, no! No!
Goodbye, Sebastian.
No! No!
Cure the world!
No!
Too late!
There's no way to stop
the fireworks!
I'll jump on them.
It won't work.
The virus is in the tip
of the firework.
It would need to explode
within a contained environment
to stop it spreading.
There's nothing
you can do.
Yes, there is.
I'm from grimsby.
Jodie, which firework is it in?
It's in the central
left-hand rocket.
What are you doing?
Contributing to society.
Aah!
Oh, nobby. It's the firework
to your left, not my left.
For fuck's sake!
Tell my kids
that daddy died with dignity.
Nobby, can you hear me?
The firework next to you
also has the virus.
What? No.
But I don't have
another asshole.
I need another asshole.
You've got one.
I'm from grimsby too...
And I'm never gonna let you
leave me again.
Oh, my god, graves.
Butcher boys of grimsby,
together...
Forever.
Donald trump has aids.
Philanthropist Rhonda George
has been arrested.
Middle east peace symbol
schlomo khalidi is in custody
following the murder
of MI6 agent Jeremy chilcott.
I didn't do it. I've had
the worst week ever.
- Israel.
- Palestine. All of you.
England fans in high spirits
after cup final victory.
Rogue MI6 operative
Sebastian graves
and his brother
nobby butcher
died at the scene while
preventing the release
of a deadly toxin.
In other news,
a south African hotel maid
has filed a suit alleging
sexual assault
by oasis frontman
Liam Gallagher.
Gallagher is also being sought
for abusing an elephant
in conjunction with fast
and furious star vin diesel.
Naturally, you'll both
be needing new identities.
How are you guys doing?
How does me ass look?
Good. Uh, really good.
It's a bit smoky in here, Jodie.
Can we have the fan on, please?
Uh, of course.
So you were saved
from the virus
by an antibody
found in elephant semen,
which lined, uh...
...your innards.
We're like a pair
of pan pipes.
Great.
And I thought you were
going to be faithful, Sebastian.
You know, you really filled
a hole in my life.
Hiya!
- Nobby.
- Dad.
Oh, my god.
I'm so glad that you're alive.
You know what?
Family.
It's the greatest gift
in life.
Stop throwing coins in there.
It's not a brown wishing well.
You are now transmitting.
Stand by. Stand by.
Eyes on the target.
Listen, we're sending
information to your lens.
I've got this. Blue earth.
Hiya, bruv.
Good, you're early.
Yes, I am.
Did you meet the team?
Excuse me.
Which way to the stadium?
Straight on for 5 kilometers,
then to the right.
Thank you.
Leave no witnesses.