The Horse in the Gray Flannel Suit (1968) Movie Script

[Hoofbeats Galloping]
[Horse Whinnying]
[Hoofbeats Continue]
[Woman] Excuse me, excuse me.
Coming out. Excuse me.
Ooh. Ah...
- I think you've hooked something.
Sorry, lady.
- Really!
- Good mornin', Joe.
- Good morning, Mr. Bolton.
Your horse get a flat
on the parkway?
Uh, got left
at the tollgate.
The wife and the kids said thanks
for the tickets to the Aspercel broadcast.
- Glad they liked it.
- They didn't...
but the wife said
say thanks anyway.
- [Chuckling]
- Sixth floor! Tallyho!
- Good morning, Mr. Bolton.
- Good morning, Alice.
Has the day's hysteria started?
Yes, sir. Mr. Tomes said, "Are you here?"
Mr. Pfeiffer sent up the layouts.
Mr. Willis didn't come in
on account of poison ivy.
- And the meeting has been
moved up to 9:15.
- N-ni... Holy smoke.
- Oh, Mr. Bolton!
- Yeah?
- Mr. Bolton!
- What?
Oh, I'm sorry, Alice.
- Good morning, Fred.
- Oh, hi.
Let me be the first to give you
the good news: Mr. Dugan
is coming to your meeting.
- Dugan?
- Thomas Fitzpatrick
"Eat 'em alive" Dugan...
chairman of the board
of Allied Drug and Food.
- Mr. Aspercel himself.
- I'm dead.
- I know, but we're all
behind you, my boy.
- It's a good place to be.
I wish
I were there myself.
Good morning, Catherine.
Dugan's coming to the meeting.
I know. The staff s inside
having a nervous breakdown.
Yeah, yeah, so am I.
What time is it?
9:07. I've already sent
the material upstairs. Bless you.
This saddle's been making me sneeze
all the way from Westhill.
- Did you take your antihistamine?
- Yeah, I've taken seven.
Have a messenger
pick this thing up, take it to the...
Oh, Brockenhurst Saddle Shop
on 48th Street.
"Have seam stitched."
Your daughter phoned.
She said, "Daddy would be sure
to get everything all mixed up."
Mmm, that's a smart kid.
- Can you imagine Dugan?
- Didn't he give you any warning?
No. Don't I get any mail
but bills? This guy can wait.
Pay half of that.
Polite stall letter on that one.
S.J. Clemens Riding Academy.
Didn't I pay this once?
No, sir, but you did
shove it aside several times.
Catherine, I spoil Helen,
don't I?
- Yes, sir.
- Yeah.
That's what comes of being
mother and father at the same time.
I spoil her double.
- [Bolton] Good morning.
- [Chattering]
- Fred, what are you gonna do?
- All right, Howie,
you don't have the layouts.
- All right, now everybody relax.
- Ta-da
- Pete, I know that you don't have...
- Ta-da
- Charlie, what is that?
- Kinda leaves you a little
breathless at first, huh?
I said you could suggest
something like this in a drawing.
- I have a drawing.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but I think three-dimensional.
- A drawing couldn't even
possibly convey the impact.
- Charlie, l...
I've been working on it
for weeks just to surprise ya.
- On my own time: Nights,
lunches, coffee breaks.
- My drawing's in color.
Look, Charlie, take this thing back,
put it in its space capsule.
- You've got to see him work.
You put the pill in here...
- Nine hundred dollars!
Oh, we can turn 'em out
cheaper than that.
Catherine, am I
reading this right?
- Here's the address.
- Nine hundred dollars?
- That's right.
- For riding lessons?
Freddie, please, don't knock my little man
until you see him in action.
How can anybody owe $900
for riding lessons?
You gotta see how he works.
Mimsey, get me a pill.
Who is S.J. Clemens anyway?
I'll have him run in for extortion.
- Freddie, just watch this.
This'll really grab ya.
- Charlie, take this monster...
Yes, Gladys, I'll tell him.
It's upstairs.
Mr. Dugan is in the conference room.
Let's go.
- Okay, bring your friend.
It's too late now.
- Mimsey, the pills.
Catherine, if anybody calls,
you know where to locate the body.
Gladys, they're on their way.
Charlie, the next time
I leave you alone with an idea...
But, Freddie, you haven't even
given my little man a chance.
- He'll steal your heart away.
Mimsey, the pills.
- Sixth floor.
The big pills. They're just like
the little pills, only they're bigger.
Mimsey. Come on, Mimsey.
Get in the elevator, honey.
Excuse me, folks. Freddie,
wait'll you see my little man work.
Hey, Mr. Bolton.
I see you got yourself a jockey.
What happened to
the rest of him?
He, uh, just couldn't
pull himself together, Joe.
- Come on, Mimsey. Get the pill.
- I'm trying.
- Seventh floor.
- Oh, out. Out, please.
Oh, is this ten?
No, ma'am, seven.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm terribly sorry.
I've got it!
Good. Now when I tell ya
to give him the pill, give him the pill.
- You ready?
- Ready.
[Bell Ringing,
Liquid Bubbling]
- He's got a short circuit.
- No, that's just a gimmick, Freddie.
We start out with
an inflamed, sensitive stomach...
like the guy had an overdose
of salami or somethin'.
And what happens? The minute
the stomach gives out the alarm,
old Aspercel goes to work.
- Ten. Out.
- Give him the pill.
Watch this. Old speedy Aspercel
races down the old esophagus...
hits the old alimentary canal
and zoink.
- Zoink, what?
- Zoink, it's stuck.
- Out.
- Ten?
- Twelve.
- Never mind. I'll get out anyway.
- I think I'm in the wrong building.
- Zoink!
Instant... Instant...
[Pill Plops]
Aspercel, Aspercel
When you're sick
it'll make you well
- Instant relief.
- Ahh!
So this is it?
This is the whole campaign,
the complete Harry Tomes package?
- That's it, Tom, and in my opinion...
- Uh-huh.
Anybody got an Aspercel?
Harry, Aspercel's been a pretty good
client over the past 15 years, hasn't it?
- Our best, Tom.
- You go along with that, Fred?
Uh, yes, sir.
I certainly do.
And we've worked pretty well
together over the years, haven't we?
- I think we have, Tom.
- Right, Fred?
Uh, yes, sir,
that's right.
Then why are you people
trying to hand me...
this imbecilic, half-baked,
old-hat gimmicked-up campaign...
that wouldn't even sell
life preservers in a shipwreck?
- Where's the imagination
around this place?
- Tom, may I say...
Why, this stuff wouldn't even
keep the clients that we've got.
I want new markets.
I wanna move up in class.
- Tom, may I say...
- Harry, get me thejet set.
I want you to come up
with an idea...
that will give sour stomachs
class and dignity.
Hey, I got a great idea
there, Mr. Dugan. Class.
We could take my little man,
put a tuxedo on him, a high silk hat and...
- How's the family?
- Tom, may I say...
Harry, I wanna brainstorm.
I want something
that will give us the "in" crowd.
I want to make them wish
that they had excess acidity...
just so they
could take Aspercel.
- Tom!
- Harry, that idea...
is lurking at the bottom
of somebody's tired skull.
I am giving you people
just 24 hours to dredge it up.
- Tom, may I say...
- Harry, don't say anything.
Just start thinking.
[Bell Ringing,
Liquid Bubbling]
- [Golf Ball Plops]
- [Short-Circuiting]
Aspercel, when you're sick
it'll make you well
When you're sick
it'll make you well
When you're sick
it'll make you well
Twenty-four hours,
Twenty-four hours, Fred.
Twenty-four hours.
[Woman]Judy Gardner!
Heels down, Judy!
Barnaby, sit tall!
Work with your horse,
not against him.
Pick him up, Jana.
Helen. Helen Bolton,
will you ride with Jana and show her?
Remember: If you wanna learn
how to go over fences...
first you've got to learn
how to ride.
Very good!
Okay, that's enough
for today, kids.
Now those of you who are
putting your horses away...
be sure that
the stalls are closed.
Barnaby, let me see
your horse for a minute.
- Go ahead. Ask Suzie.
- About fathers?
Why not?
She had one, didn't she?
Tomorrow we'll try a different bit.
He's not happy with this one.
- Suzie what?
- Well, it's that big problem again.
I know. Helen wants
a horse of her own...
- more than anything
in the whole wide world.
- Well, she should have one.
You said yourself
she's the best rider in the class.
And all I said was, "She ought to try
the favorite father treatment."
I couldn't, Judy.
- And just what is
this favorite father treatment?
- It's simple.
All you do is
put a rose at his dinner plate...
bring him a cold martini
and say...
"Daddy, tell me every single thing
that happened at the office today."
- Then what?
- Then he says, "Let's talk
about something else."
So you talk to him
about buying you a horse.
I couldn't do
all that stuff.
Why not,
for pete's sake?
My father and I
understand each other.
Judy, I think this is something
that Helen should decide for herself.
Come on, boy.
Come on.
There's Daddy!
What's he doing here?
Wait a minute, Suzie.
I want you to meet my father.
Talk to him. Talk to him!
- Oh, hi, hi.
- What are you doing here?
- Daddy, you're not getting
allergic to me, are you?
- Those clothes, honey.
- Did you bring your antihistamine?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Where's the office?
- Right there.
- Oh.
- I wish you had told me you were coming.
The class just finished, and
I've been dying to have you see me ride.
Honey, I wanna see you ride.
I really do, but I've got
a briefcase full of homework.
I just came by
to deliver this saddle...
and to tell S.J. Clemens
the rules on highway robbery.
I'm Miss Clemens.
May I help you?
- How do you do, Miss Clemens?
Where's your father?
- My father?
S.J. Clemens, the owner
of this pirate's den.
I'm S.J. Clemens.
Suzie, this is Daddy.
Daddy, this is Suzie.
You know, the one
I'm always talking about?
How do you do, Mr. Bolton?
Now, about this pirate's den.
I assume you're objecting to
the charges on your statement.
I think I'll go put this saddle
in the tack room.
You sure
you're S.J. Clemens?
If you refer to the statement,
Mr. Bolton...
you'll see there's an unpaid balance
for the past seven months.
No way to run a business,
Miss Clemens.
You should've gotten ahold of me
personally and chewed my head off.
I intended to. Most parents
come down here occasionally
to see their children ride.
I can't even see my child in
jodhpurs without sneezing.
I'll draw up a detailed statement
and send it to you.
In the meantime,
I've got work to do.
Miss Clemens!
Miss Clemens, wait a moment!
Look, I apologize.
I had a miserable day
in the city...
and I took it out
on the first available person.
- I shouldn't have blasted off that way.
- That's quite all right.
We get used to tantrums
dealing with children all day.
Well, you finally
met Suzie.
Yes, yes.
Finally met Suzie.
- Daddy?
- Yeah.
Uh, Daddy, we've always had
the kind of relationship where...
if one of us wants to ask something,
we just go right ahead and ask.
- Right?
- Right.
- Well, what I wanna ask...
- Uh-huh.
Uh, what I want
to ask you is...
Uh, how did things
go at the office today?
Or, would you rather have
a cold martini first?
Honey, I'd rather have
a cold martini period. Slide in.
In the best of families.
In the, uh...
All things being considered,
I like Aspercel because...
it's status, upper crust,
carriage trade, money in the bank.
It's a traditional, uh...
l-in the best...
In the best of families...
In the best of families,
it's a...
family tradition.
For relief.
Herbie, we just might have
something here. Let's see.
In the best of families,
it's a family tradition... Aspercel...
for relief.
Aunt Martha, you think I should
bring him another martini
with a rose this time?
I think it's a little too late
for that, dear.
What's he doing in there?
He's been there ever since dinner.
He's creating...
something about sour stomachs.
Carry Aspercel.
I'm getting punchy, Herbie.
Hey, bury it deep, huh?
Okay, Aunt Martha...
you can stop lurking about
out there with Helen.
Whatever it is, hit me with it now
while I'm weak and helpless.
- Oh, we weren't lurking, dear.
- Mm-hmm.
We were merely
waiting patiently.
What is it you'd like to buy
that we can't possibly afford?
- Oh, well...
- Well, dear...
No, Aunt Martha, I'll tell him.
After all, it's my problem.
- Daddy, I want...
- No, dear, I said I'd tell him.
- If you tell him...
- I'm sure it would
be better if I told him.
Well, somebody tell me, okay?
I mean, flip a coin.
I've got to get back
to work some time tonight.
- Daddy.
- Mmm?
Daddy, I want a horse of my own
more than anything I've ever
wanted in the whole world.
Suzie says, if I had a horse of my own,
it would give me confidence...
and I'd be in the ribbons
at the really big shows.
- And...
- And, uh, how much will it cost me?
- Well...
- Hundred dollars?
- Well, dear.
- Two hundred dollars?
Close to 2,000...
for a good one.
Two... Two thousand...
Do you... have...
any idea... how thin
the financial ice is around this place?
I mean, I mean, a few items,
like, the mortgage and two cars...
and a private school and $900
for riding lessons and now you're...
- Freddie, we've been skating
on thin ice for years.
- Well, we're about to get wet.
- Well, suppose we do this...
- No, Aunt Martha, Daddy's right.
We can't afford a horse.
I was silly to ask. I never should have
brought up such a foolish thing.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
Really, I am.
[Door Closes]
- She really wants that horse, doesn't she?
- Yes, dear.
Two thousand dollars.
- Is she really that good?
- Why, she's the best
in her class, Freddie.
First place,
junior equitation.
And if she had her own horse,
she could graduate to hunters.
- Uh, they jump over fences
and things, dear.
- Huh.
For $2,000,
I'll jump a few fences myself.
- Now, Freddie.
- I don't know why she's so
steamed up about a horse anyway.
A boy, I could understand. Now, if she
had a boy problem, I could help her.
Oh, Fred.
She has got a boy problem.
- She what?
- She's terrified of boys.
She thinks
she's homely.
Helen thinks
she's homely.
But, Aunt Martha,
she is a beautiful girl.
Oh, yes, Fred. I know this,
and you know this, but Helen doesn't.
Oh, try to understand.
It's just part of growing up.
You see, that's why
her riding is so important.
It gives her poise,
a sense of accomplishment.
Well, I'll try to figure
something out.
- I knew you would, Freddie.
- Yeah.
I knew it.
Now, do you want me
to clean up this mess?
Aunt Martha,
this mess is what's left of my career.
No, no, just go on to bed
and let me pull the temple...
- down around my own shoulders, all right?
- Oh.
Would you like a glass
of warm milk?
Wouldn't help.
Good night, Aunt Martha.
Good night, Fred Bolton.
Good night,
Aspercel account.
Good night, Tom Dugan.
Good night, everything.
Aspercel, Aspercel,
when you're sick, it makes you well.
When you're dead,
you're dead.
A gimmick!
A gimmick, a gimmick, a gimmick.
My kingdom for a gimmick.
A horse!
Herbie! Herbie, hey,
bring that back here.
Hey, Herbie!
Herbie, this could be it,
the gimmick.
And it's a double play:
- A horse for Helen,
high society for Dugan.
- [Barking]
Now if we want
the class market...
we've got to make Aspercel
the "in" pill from Bar Harbor to Biarritz.
We've got to give our product
social acceptance, a new image.
What we want, Mr. Dugan,
is to have the name Aspercel
associated with high society.
We wanna do that in such a way
that the general public is not
aware that it's happening.
That means we go
the subliminal r...
And where do we begin
this campaign of ours, Mr. Dugan?
Where society's social season
begins: At the horse show.
I said, at the horse show!
What we do, we shoot
for free publicity...
at horse shows
all over the country.
Picture a beautiful young girl
on a fabulous horse.
Everywhere they appear,
the eyes of the social world...
are on that girl
and that horse.
Their picture is on the fashion page.
They're in the best magazines.
The class trade
is captured.
And what is the name of that
fabulous horse? "Aspercel," Mr. Dugan.
That horse's name
is Aspercel!
- What do you think of it, Mr. Dugan?
- I like it.
You like it?
Yes, sir, I like it.
We could get free play
in all the class media:
Vogue, Harper's Bazaar,
Illustrated London News.
Hit TV, and if
the gimmick works, we can expand.
Enter a boat in the America's Cup race.
Call it the Aspercel.
Good, good. Sponsor a car
in the Indianapolis 500.
- How about a wrestler named
"Aspercel the Terrible"?
- You keep rubbing.
For the culture nuts,
the Aspercel Philharmonic.
- Terrific.
- It's endless,
but we'll start with the horse.
Ya buy the best one
you can find.
Who we gonna get
to ride it?
Helen Bolton...
my daughter.
She's a champion, Mr. Dugan.
Won all kinds of prizes.
Okay, but register the horse
under your daughter's name.
- Keep Allied Drug out of the picture.
- Yes, sir.
Tell Harry Tomes
to make you a vice president.
Good id...
What'd you say, Mr. Dugan?
I don't like doing business
with small fry.
And call me Tom.
Yes. Yes, sir.
Has all
the modern refinements:
Outside-inside feed bin;
heavy-duty suspension;
handles like a sports car;
and a quick loading ramp
that comes right down there.
This is
the star's dressing room.
- [Barking]
- Herbie!
Come on, Herbie.
Come here. Come on, boy.
- That's Herbie.
- Oh, very elegant.
Yeah, yeah.
And not everything
meets the eye.
Would you step back over there
just a little bit more, please?
Yeah, that's it.
Now, watch.
You won't believe this,
but I designed it myself.
No, no, no, I believe it.
Just a little oasis for
the riding contestant's father.
Would you care to join me?
Ah, it's a...
I know it's a little fancy.
You don't think it'll scare
the horse, do you?
No, I'm sure he can take it.
He's a very special horse.
Yeah, well, for 5,000 bucks,
he should be.
Well, you told me
to get the best, Mr. Bolton.
Oh, yes. No argument, Miss Clemens.
That I did, that I did.
- Besides, that's not high
for a double champion.
- No.
He won both the junior hunter
and equitation medals
at Harrisburg last year.
- Uh-huh.
- Well, he's really
very good, Mr. Bolton.
I'm sure he is, Miss Clemens.
He's also very late.
He forgot at what time
he was supposed to show up.
Well, it's a long haul
from Pennsylvania.
- Yeah, hey, while we're waiting,
you wanna watch television?
- No, thank you.
- You will help me celebrate.
- I did my celebrating
when I got your check.
Yeah, well, I can't blame you
for that.
Besides, I've got to get back
to my Saturday cross-country class.
You know, I think I'm as excited
about getting this horse as Helen is.
- Daddy, he's here. He's here!
- [Barking]
- [Bolton] I think he's here.
- That's him, all right.
Hey, that's him,
all right, Helen!
[Horse Whinnying]
- Okay, over here. That's fine.
- Bring him out on this side.
That's fi... That's...
Stop! Stop!
- We'd about given you up.
- Yeah.
[Horse Whinnying]
[Whinnying, Banging
The whole trip, he's been
banging away like that.
A nine-horse trailer
all to himself...
- but it ain't good enough for him.
- [Nickers]
Let's get his royal highness out of there
while I still got some trailer left.
Oh, Daddy,
he's beautiful.
He's all yours.
Uh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Aren't you
supposed to unpack?
Listen, mister, it took
a breast hitch in front.
Two guys shoving at the back
to get him in. You get him out.
- Do you want me to get him out?
- Oh, no. No, no.
We, uh, have to live
with him, we mi...
Might as well start now.
- Daddy, please let me.
- No, no, no. I'll handle it.
Look out, dear.
Don't let him hurt himself.
I'll try not to,
Aunt Martha.
Now, uh...
Aspercel, you just relax.
Just relax.
Everything's gonna...
I'm the friendly type.
- [Blowing Through Nose]
- Gesundheit!
- Hey, this horse is allergic to people.
- [Laughing]
I'll give you
an antihistamine, old boy...
but I think you'd better consult
your own physician.
We're just gonna
unhook this...
No, you're right.
We're gonna unhook...
Well, you old guzzler.
Is it all right for him
to drink beer, Suzie?
One palmful
for medicinal purposes is okay.
How about that?
[Clears Throat]
Unhook... Now, now, that's enough.
You're gonna...
Take that off there.
That's nice and easy.
Let's take a walk.
Here he comes.
- Aspercel, meet your new boss.
- Hello, Aspie.
You're beautiful,
just beautiful.
- Aw.
- I think he's returning the compliment.
Mister, you sure got
a way with horses.
Yeah, I do, don't I?
I mean, I'm happy to make
this discovery myself.
Oh, Aunt Martha, would you help
this discerning young gentleman
to a bit of refreshment?
- [Aunt Martha] Come along, young man.
- Thank you.
All right, honey, would you show Aspie
his accommodations?
- It's stuck.
- Oh.
- It's new.
- Aspie!
Did you see that, Daddy?
Did you see him jump the fence?
- How about that?
- Aspie!
You know, I think
he's decided to stay.
- There's Judy Gardner, Daddy.
Beep your horn.
- [Beeps]
- Hi.
- Hi.
My brother Ronnie.
Ronnie, Helen Bolton.
- Hiya, Mr. Bolton.
- Oh, hi.
- That's what's-her-name, isn't it?
- Yes, dear.
- We'll see you at the in gate
after you've unloaded.
- Okay.
- How are you, Aspie?
Did you enjoy the ride?
- Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
- Zip-a-dee-day My, oh, my
- Shouldn't we get him out?
First things first,
- Is anybody ready to eat?
- Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention, please.
Class 34,
hunter seat equitation...
- has been rescheduled.
- Daddy, that's me.
- We have tomato sandwiches.
- It can't be. You've got an hour yet.
I repeat: Class 34
has been rescheduled.
And liverwurst.
Herbie. Herbie!
Exhibitors in this class
to the in gate in three minutes, please.
- Three minutes, Daddy.
- Don't panic.
Get your saddle.
All right, Aspie, move over.
Give me some room.
Back it up. That's it.
Easy does it.
Easy does it.
Attaboy, attaboy.
Move it around now.
Bring it around here, honey.
Okay, now, give me that.
I got it.
take this, uh, uh, thing.
- Daddy, it's on backwards.
- What?
A-are you...
- I've got it now.
- Class 34, riders to the ring, please.
I'm gonna be disqualified.
No, you're not, darling. You're not
gonna be disqualified. We'll make it.
- Have you got it?
- Almost there.
All aboard.
Here we go.
- Okay, get up. Get up. What?
- Where's the bridle?
- Daddy, I have to have a bridle.
- Of course you do, honey. Where is it?
Class 34, class 34,
hunter seat equitation over fences.
Daddy, I'll never make it.
I haven't even got my number.
- Uh, honey, I'll put this on.
You go get the number.
- All right.
[Car Horn Honking]
[Horse Whinnying]
All right, boy.
Open your mouth.
Open your mouth now. Spread your teeth.
- May I help, sir?
- Spread, spread. What?
- Can I help you here?
- Oh, yes, yes. Can you
unscramble this thing?
I think so.
Well, we're kind of
in a hurry.
These things are pretty tricky
till you catch on.
Not that I'm
the horsey type...
but I get dragged to these shows
so I had to learn somethin'.
You know, actually,
I could do without horses...
but the only way I get
to have a sports car...
is if I haul my sister to these shows
so my folks won't have to do it.
- Uh-huh.
- Could I have the breast hitch, please?
What's that? Oh, oh, oh.
The better hitch. Yeah.
Daddy, I got it!
Number 313.
- I hope it's not bad... luck.
- Well, hi.
- I guess you're ready, sir.
- Ronnie, I'm speechless with admiration.
- Last call, Class 34.
- That's us.
Okay, up you go.
Where does
this thing go? Oh.
You're off, sweetheart.
See you after the event.
- Good luck.
- Yeah, good luck.
- Aunt Martha, did you find Herbie?
- [Barking]
All he left is two pickles
and a hard-boiled egg.
Thanks, Ronnie.
Let's hurry.
I'm sorry, Suzie.
Everything went wrong.
It's all right.
You're on last.
Now take a couple
of deep breaths.
- Count to ten and relax.
- [Girls Shouting]
Relax, Helen! Relax!
- Is Helen going to jump
over all those sticks?
- Yeah, that's the general idea.
First exhibitor,
number 183...
Janet McGrath,
riding Sullivan.
The exhibitors today,
ladies and gentlemen...
will follow in the order
indicated in your programs.
They're all doing very well,
aren't they, dear?
Well, the judge doesn't look
too impressed.
You know, Tom Dugan's
become a fanatic.
He's got himself a rule book
and a schedule of shows.
He sent me a memo
a yard and a half long.
Wants Helen entered
in every medal class possible.
Medal class, dear?
What's that?
Sort of championship events.
There are about half a dozen
of'em each season.
If she wins three medals,
she goes to the world series:
- The International Horse Show
at Washington.
- Oh.
Helen's going
to Washington?
- That's what Dugan says in his memo.
- Oh, how nice.
She'll love
the Smithsonian Institute.
Last exhibitor in Class 34,
number 313...
- Aspercel, ridden by Helen Bolton.
- Oh.
Here she comes.
- No, Aspie. No, no.
- [Crowd Gasping]
- Beautiful, beautiful.
- [Giggling]
Oh, that's sensational.
- Stay.
- Great!
Great! Atta girl!
Ha, ha!
- Oh.
- Hey, wasn't she great, huh?
- Uh, the horse is very good, sir.
- You bet he is.
That completes the class,
ladies and gentlemen.
All exhibitors
back in the ring, please.
Aunt Martha, she's gonna win.
She's gonna win. Ha, ha.
But keep calm, keep calm.
Number 128 and number 313
are excused.
All other entries will please line up
in numerical order.
What's excused?
Well, she's out.
Well, shejust wasn't
good enough, sir.
- Wasn't good enough? She won!
Where's that umpire?
- The blue ribbon goes to...
control yourself.
Second place goes
to number 132...
Rio Latch,
ridden byJudy Thom.
Third place, number 250.
A great start
for my vice presidency.
Fourth place, number 129,
Big Chief.
What happened?
Why wasn't she good enough?
Well, sir, first, she tried
to put the horse in the wrong pattern.
Then she panicked
and decided he knew more than she did.
From then on,
she was just a passenger.
That's what the judges call
a push-button ride.
- Push-button?
- Yes, sir.
Well, don't let it throw ya,
Mr. Bolton. She'll do better next time.
Thank you, Ronnie.
Aunt Martha, find Helen
and cheer her up, will ya?
- I'll meet you back at the trailer.
- Well, where are you going, dear?
To have a word
with S.J. Clemens.
Let him know who's boss,
Barnaby. Good.
Bring him on
through again.
Very good. Now bring him
down here and stop for a minute.
Oh, hey, that's great.
Now you go out there,
and you knock 'em dead.
- Miss Clemens.
- Mr. Bolton, if you're worried
about Helen, she's fine.
I told her that, well,
everybody loses on their first time out.
Oh, well, I'm very pleased that
Helen is happy. However, I would like...
- She's right over there
at the soft drink stand.
- No, I'm looking for you.
[Chuckling] Miss Clemens, I'm a little
concerned about the fact that...
all of a sudden my daughter is something
called a push-button passenger.
Oh, it wasn't that bad.
She was just
a little nervous. That's all.
All right, well, she's a nervous
push-button passenger...
on a $5,000 horse.
Let me ask you
a logical question now, Miss Clemens.
What happened?
I mean, what...
I thought you told me she was good.
Well, she is. All she needs is, well,
a little more practice.
- Give her a few months.
- Months!
Are you one of those parents
who has to win every time?
Well, of course, I'm not,
but I don't have months, Miss Clemens.
I mean, not if she's gonna win
three medals and qualify for Washington.
Oh, you are one.
The worst kind.
- If-if I weren't so fond of Helen, I'd...
- Well, now, just a minute.
Oh, all you need is a...
is a bullwhip and a pair of jackboots.
- Now it's all very well for you.
- Excuse me, Mr. Bolton.
I promised Barnaby
I'd watch this go-round.
Trot your horses, please.
That's very good, Barnaby.
Miss Clemens, what would happen
if you gave Helen a lesson every day...
including Sundays?
She might start winning.
She's got natural talent.
She's got a good animal,
but she needs work on basics...
simple horsemanship.
She's gotta develop
a partnership with that horse of hers.
Will you do it?
- Do what?
- Whatever you said.
Every single day,
and don't ask me why.
- Why?
- [Chuckles]
I like you, S.J.
Is it a deal?
It's a deal.
That's absolutely t... t...
- [Sneezes]
- Now you try it again and
don't depend on the reins.
Balance, legs. Make him know
what you want him to do.
Okay, I'll try.
Come on, Aspie. Communicate.
You know, I've been sitting on this
bony fence for almost a month now...
watching you and Helen.
And I've been asking myself
a question... about you.
I know, Mr. Bolton.
I've been watching you sitting here...
on this bony fence every day
for the past month...
and I know
the exact question.
- You do?
- I do.
Helen, that's much better.
Now take him through again slowly...
without the jump.
Question: How come
a pretty girl like you:
A. Isn't married?
B. Isn't engaged?
C. Prefers a quiet evening
at home with a good book to A or B?
That's very close.
How come?
Two years ago, I was one day away
from getting married.
His name was Archer Madison.
And he had several million dollars
more than was good for him.
- Whoops, I'm sorry. I knew
I shouldn't have asked.
- No, no, no, that's okay.
Balance, Helen.
Archer looked so beautiful
on a horse.
He rode on
the U.S. Equestrian Team.
So, well, it would have been
a perfect marriage the way Archer saw it.
We would tour the world
together forever... on horseback.
But that wasn't the way
you saw it.
Not quite. I didn't want the patter
of little hooves.
I wanted a two-footed family with
an ever-faithful, true-blue helpmate...
and all the rest
of the cornball trimmings.
You're okay, S.J.
That's enough, Helen.
Walk him for a while.
When I return tomorrow,
we can discuss your early childhood.
You won't have to come back, Mr. Bolton.
Helen's graduated.
I've entered her
in the Oak Valley show.
I think now she's ready
to start winning some ribbons.
- Isn't it beautiful, Daddy?
- Honey, it is absolutely gorgeous.
- Look at that. Our first medal.
- Oh, it's marvelous.
- Two more, then on to Washington.
- Washington? Mr. Bolton...
- Suzie, from now on, it's Fred.
- [Charlie] Okay, everybody.
Uh, hi.
Wait a minute.
You're putting it on backwards.
You know, you look
kinda flaked out.
Oh, it's just a cramp.
L-it's gone now.
Bolton, I've had my agents
checking on you lately.
You're tensing up.
Why don't you kick the horse show habit
for a couple of weeks and relax?
I'm having a wonderful time,
- Uh, would you like a root beer?
- Uh-uh.
I'll tell you what. I'll take charge
of this case personally.
How about a movie tonight?
A movie? Me?
I mean, us?
Then afterwards,
maybe a pizza or somethin'.
- I really have to practice.
- Well, let the horse practice.
- Thanks, Ronnie, but I can't
tonight, really.
- Then how about Friday night?
Friday's the show
at Rockford.
Then Saturday, for sure.
And no excuses.
I'll come by for ya around 6:00.
And you be ready. Ya got it?
- Oh, and good luck.
- Huh?
- On your medal class.
- Oh.
When nothing's feelin' well
I said, a-reach
a-reach, brother
A-reach for Aspercel
- Did you write that, boss?
- Sure I did.
- That's pretty good.
- Yeah, yeah, you know,
I used to play guitar.
- Hello, Freddie.
- Well, well. Well!
Well, Mr. Dugan,
this is a pleasant surprise.
Ah, Aspercel, meet your sponsor,
Mr. Thomas Dugan.
Mr. Dugan, this is
your four-footed, subliminal gold mine.
I'd like to speak to you
privately, Freddie.
- Uh, privately.
- About this subliminal gold mine.
Sure thing, Mr. Dugan.
Hank, walk him around a little bit.
- Then saddle him up, will ya?
- Sure, boss. Come on, meatball.
Uh, Hank,
his name's Aspercel.
Yeah, I know. How come you picked
a stupid name like that?
A lousy stomach pill,
no less.
Hank thinks he's a comic.
I only keep him around
because the horse laughs at his jokes.
Well, I've been working on a brochure
of our progress so far, Mr. Dugan.
Soon as the dust settles
just a little bit, I want you to...
The dust has already settled,
and most of it's on you.
- What's that?
- I'm gonna give you a chance
to level with me.
I think this whole campaign
is something you cooked up...
just so your daughter
could get a horse for nothing.
- Now wait a minute.
I've got faith in this idea.
- I don't want faith.
I want that international
class publicity you promised to get me.
I want Vogue and Harper's Bazaar,
the Illustrated London News.
I want TV cameras,
and what do I get?
After two months of hard work,
you come up with this:
"Miss Helen Bolton won
first prize last Saturday...
mounted on "Aspirin'."
Oh, that's a hot item
to bounce offTelstar.
Now I have gotten better stuff
than that, and you know it.
That's a dirty curve.
- I didn't come here to argue.
- Then lay off.
- What did you say?
- I said lay off!.
I got a great idea here, Mr. Dugan,
and you're smart enough man to know I have.
Now give it a chance
to build.
I'm going on the road next week.
I'm gonna see editors
in Cleveland, Detroit, Chicago.
If I don't flood the class media
by the time my little girl gets
to the Washington International...
you can have myjob,
the vice presidency...
- You have a lot of
confidence, haven't you?
- You bet I have.
No, I haven't.
I'm just as insecure as the next guy,
but get off my neck.
Give me a chance
to make this thing work.
All right. All right!
You get your little girl to Washington.
She needs two more medals.
She'll get one of them this
afternoon. She'll get the other
one next Friday at Rockford.
That doesn't sound
as insecure as the next guy.
Well, fortunately,
I'm not riding the horse.
Oh, yes, you are.
There's a lot riding on that horse:
The Allied Drug account,
your job with Tomes.
Oh, I'm gonna keep my eye
on that horse.
I only hope he's strong enough
to carry the load.
[Announcer] Next exhibitor,
number 189, 1-8-9...
- Aspercel, ridden by Helen Bolton.
- Come on, Aspie.
Make me look good.
We've got to win this one.
- Good luck, Helen.
- Good luck, Helen.
Will all entries in Class Number Three
move back into the ring, please?
Winner of the A.H.S.A.
Hunter seat medal class...
is Miss Helen Bolton,
riding Aspercel.
Come on, honey. How about a nice,
big smile? Right over this way. That's it.
Fred, give her a hand.
We won. We won.
We haven't won yet,
[Phone Ringing]
Oh, hi, Daddy.
- Are you still in Chicago?
- Yeah, I'm still here.
I'll be home tomorrow night.
I'm just phoning to,
uh, well, find out how everybody is.
- Oh, everyone's fine, just fine.
- Good, good.
- I lost at Rockford.
- Oh.
But it's okay, Daddy. I'll still get
to Washington. So please don't worry.
- Oh, I'm not worried, honey.
- Suzie checked all the entries
at Millbrook...
- and she says I'll be better
than any of the other kids.
- Uh, Helen...
So I'll get that last medal.
I promise.
Honey, I'm not worried...
Look, I just phone to-to
find out how everybody is. That's all.
- Everyone's fine.
- Well, good, good.
- Look, I'll see you tomorrow night, okay?
- Okay, Daddy.
Okay. Don't you worry about
Rockford. That's an order. All right?
- I'll try.
- All right, honey. I'll see
you tomorrow night. Bye.
- See you, Daddy.
- Bye.
Hello, everybody.
I took an early plane.
Aunt Martha!
[Gate Creaking]
Hey, anybody.
I'm home.
Oh, yeah, I'm home,
all right.
Well, look who's here.
Loser of the week.
- [Nickers]
- Back to your paddock, chum.
And no beer for you.
You blew Helen's medal but good.
- One more like that, it's
the glue factory for both of us.
- [Whinnies]
Oh, I know, I know. One of the judges
had a thing against gray horses, huh?
And, uh, your cinch
was too tight. Yeah.
And right at the moment, Aspie,
I don't feel the need for
any of my four-footed friends.
Just get lost, will ya?
Gojump a fence or something.
Okay, all right...
I'm sorry!
Hey, Aspie, come on back.
You can have a swallow.
I gotta live with myself.
Hey, stop sulking.
I apologize.
Hey, you're takin' this thing
a little big, aren't ya? Huh?
Beer, Aspie!
Ice-cold beer!
Aspie! I apologize!
This is no time to be
running away from home!
Your favorite brew!
Zesty, tangy, full-bodied!
Hey, look at the frost
on this can!
Aspie! Come on, baby!
Come home!
Everybody loves ya!
I am never gonna speak to you
again as... long as I live!
Come on. Admit it.
You weren't mad.
You were just exercising
your sense of humor.
Boy, boy, l... I tell...
I'm through playing games, Aspie.
L... I know you.
I'd reach up for your mane
and... pfft... you'd be gone.
Okay, so you're not gone.
But after what you put me through,
don't be surprised...
if you get a very formal
Christmas card and no present.
You don't mind if I put this rope on?
Nothing personal.
You know somethin',
old paint?
We're a long way
from our diggin's.
You wouldn't...
You wouldn't give a guy
a lift, would ya?
Come on. We can give it
a try anyway.
Now, I don't have what
you'd call a good seat, Aspie.
No points in equitation,
but, uh...
Now, just stand
right there, okay? Ah.
[Hand Petting Rump]
[Grunts, Screams]
Don't look at me like that.
They do it all the time in the movies.
Okay. Steady.
Easy now, Aspie. No!
No, boy, no!
Hey... come back!
Back up! Whoa! [Sighs]
Okay, don't move, pal, huh?
No... no!
You're moving! You're...
Okay, you win.
We'll both walk home.
Soon as I see where we are.
Okay, wise guy.
Why didn't you do that in the first place?
All right, uh, old paint.
- He's not in the Walsh's field.
- No, of course not! He's been kidnapped!
Oh, Aunt Martha, maybe
he just wandered off or something.
Oh, with the study window wide
open and your father's clothes
scattered all over the place?
- I'm going to look for him
on the fire road.
- No, no, no, you wait right here.
We'll both go and look for him
in the car just as soon as...
Oh, hello. Police?
This is Martha Ramsey
at the Bolton house on Westhill Road.
I'd like to speak to the person
in charge of stolen horses.
Stolen horses?
Oh, oh, yes, I see. Yes, ma'am.
Right out of your stable?
Yes. Yes, yes, go ahead.
Gray coat, brown eyes...
and a small scar
on his right flank.
Yes, ma'am, I've got it.
And don't you worry.
We'll search every back road
in the county till we find him.
You know somethin', Aspie?
This beats the horseless carriage any day.
No traffic. No, uh, noise.
No smog.
Wouldn't it be great if we had
an 8:15 horse to commute to the city, huh?
- [Chuckling] Peaceful, serene.
- [Siren Wailing]
[Siren Continues]
- [Siren Continues]
- [Whinnies]
Whoa! Whoa, boy!
Easy! Easy!
- All right, all right. Off that horse!
- No!
- Hey, hey! Look out!
- [Screams]
Stop! Stop!
You're under arrest!
- [Gunshots]
- Stop!
[Siren Continues]
- Halt!
- Stop!
- Pull over!
- Slow down!
Whoa, baby! Whoa!
Whoa, boy!
Boy, I'd like to see
that guy's license.
[Siren Continues]
Whoa, boy! Whoa, buddy!
Come on, baby! Stop!
[Panting, Groaning] Come on, baby!
Let's stop for a beer, huh?
- Hey, you! Pull over!
- I'm trying, you idiot!
Whoa, buddy! Aspie!
Oh! Ooh!
That's a nice jump.
Watch the trees!
Whoa, boy!
Aspie, no!
No! No!
Wh... whoa!
[Shouting In Japanese]
- [Siren Wailing]
- [Sneezes, Coughs]
[Speaking Angrily
In Japanese]
[Shouting In Japanese]
Okay, cowboy, don't move.
You're under arrest.
Sergeant! Sergeant!
Charlie, are you outta
your mind? Sergeant!
Hey, that's good, Freddie.
Now, keep shakin'the bars like
a wild gorilla. Get a shot.
Now, listen, Charlie. They got you
down here for you to identify me!
- Now, go out and start identifying.
- Lower angle.
- Give 'im the teeth there, Freddie.
- Ch...
Charlie, I know
what you're up to.
Free publicity. You're gonna spread me
through the papers, aren't ya?
Yeah, can't ya see the headlines?
"Aspercel ad exec steals his own horse."
Charlie, you idiot!
I've got a family to think of.
I am thinkin' of your family.
Tomes will make ya a partner for this.
Okay, Charlie! You spring me
right now or you are fired!
- [Grunts]
- You too, Alex! Sergeant!
- Sergeant!
- Freddie! Sergeant!
- You gonna tell him who I am, Charlie?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna tell 'im you're the guy who's
choking me. Alex, get a picture of this.
"Irate citizen
chokes his best friend."
- Sergeant! Sergeant!
- [Cup Clattering Bars]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- All right, all right.
All right! What's goin' on?
Sergeant, I demand you
force him to identify me.
- What's my name?
- I don't know. Big Chief Horse Blanket?
Sergeant, my name is Fred Bolton.
I live on Westhill Road...
Are we gonna start that again? Now,
can you identify this man or can't you?
Never saw him before in my life.
We're takin' pictures for a magazine article.
- "Crime in the suburbs."
- Sergeant, let's be...
Look at these shorts!
Now, would a self-respecting
thief go around stealing horses
in shorts like this?
- Why not?
- Because it's insane!
Hey, there's a fresh angle.
Call the psychiatric ward...
and see if they misplaced
one of the patients.
Okay, that's enough.
You and the beard, out!
Certainly, sir.
Just one more picture. Alex.
Sergeant, Sergeant, please...
Sergeant, call my house just one last time.
Now, my aunt is bound
to be there by now. She'll identi...
Alex! [Sputters]
She'll identify me!
She'll also tell you
who that creep is.
Name-calling will
avail you nothing, sir. Come on, Alex.
Charlie Blake!
Ha, ha! Ha, ha! See that?
See that? He knows his own name!
Of course, I know my name.
But what's your name? That's the question.
Thanks for your cooperation,
officer. Come on, Alex.
Sergeant, Sergeant, don't
let him out of this building.
They're gonna make a fool
of me in the newspapers.
- That won't be no uphill battle.
Believe me.
- Oh!
- Hey, Sarge.
- Yeah, Eddie.
The lady from Westhill Road
just called. She came home and
found the horse in its stable.
Did ya ask her?
Did ya tell her?
Well, I told her we got a suspect here
who says he's your nephew.
- Yeah?
- And she says, "My nephew isn't
a suspect. He's in Chicago."
But l-l-l-I took an early...
I demand that I call her
back immediately!
Too bad, Mac.
You just ran out of phone calls.
Why don't you make yourself comfy?
You've had a very busy day.
[Door Closes]
- [Bluegrass]
- As if I didn't have enough problems...
without you running away.
You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.
Don't you ever
do that again.
[Man On Radio] And now
for five minutes of the latest news.
On the lighter side,
Connecticut's first horse-napping...
in many years is solved.
a well-known jumping horse...
returned late this afternoon
to his owner, Miss Helen Bolton.
- Aspie, that's us!
- But here's the topper.
The alleged horse stealer
turns out to be the young lady's father...
Mr. Fred Bolton
of Westhill Road.
[Chuckles] Don't ask us why, folks.
We can't figure it either.
On the international scene,
things are not proceeding quite as well.
[Radio Clicks Off]
- Oh, Aspie, it was one of
daddy's publicity things.
- [Car Approaching]
[Horn Honks]
- [Honking Continues]
- Ronnie!
Hey, tiger, that you?
That man is here.
- Hi, Ronnie.
- Well, hi.
Hey, why aren't ya dressed?
- Dressed?
- Well, it's Saturday. Remember our date?
Oh, yes, uh, it is Saturday.
Hey, uh, you aren't
standin' me up, are ya?
Well, Ronnie, you see,
Aspie disappeared this afternoon.
You are standin' me up!
- And I have to wait for Suzie.
- Suzie!
- She's coming over to see
if Aspie's all right.
- Aspie!
I'm sorry.
Oh, you're sorry. Hey, that's great.
That takes care of everything.
All my plans,
my whole Saturday.
Look at me.
I even wore a tie.
Isn't there anything you
think of besides horse shows?
I hate horse shows!
- What?
- I hate 'em!
Well, then, for pete's sake,
why do ya keep goin'?
If I don't win at Millbrook,
I won't win another medal.
And if I don't win another medal
and go on to Washington...
my father will lose
his job and...
And... l...
I'm sorry you had
to wear a tie for nothing!
- [Nickers]
- Well, I didn't mean to...
Get out of the way, will ya?
Hey, wait a minute!
- What the heck was that all about?
- [Nickers]
[Clears Throat] Uh, Mr. Bolton,
we'd, uh, like to apologize, sir.
You do and I'll never buy another ticket
to your annual clambake.
- Hmm.
- Souvenir.
- Well, good night, gentlemen.
- Uh, good night, Mr. Bolton.
[Both Laughing]
Uh, I'll return
the costume tomorrow.
- It was a pleasure booking you.
- Yeah. Ha, ha.
Uh, if I decide to steal another horse,
I'll call ya. [Chuckles]
Mr. Bolton?
Oh, hi, Ronnie. Yeah, I thought that
was your car out there.
What are you doing?
Waiting for Helen?
No, sir.
I was waiting for you.
- There's somethin' I gotta say,
even if it does get ya upset.
- Upset?
You may really get mad,
but I'm gonna say it anyway.
Mr. Bolton,
I've always admired you.
Is that supposed
to make me mad?
I always thought you were a real nice guy
and a real swell father.
- I admired you.
- Until tonight?
Yes, sir. I mean, I don't want to
tell you what to do, but...
But I know when I have kids,
if there's a situation where
they don't wanna do somethin'...
well, I'd never
make 'em do it...
even if the only reason they were doin' it
was so I wouldn't lose my job.
- Lose my job?
- Shh! She's crackin' up,
Mr. Bolton. She really is.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. What are we...
- Are we talkin' about Helen?
- Yes, sir.
- I've always admired you, Mr. Bolton...
- You said that. Sit down, Ronnie.
Now, suppose you tell me
everything you know.
- Well, all I know is...
- And slowly.
Well, all I know is we had
a date tonight, and I showed up
with a tie and everything...
and I asked her why
she was standin' me up.
Then she started ravin'
about winnin' medals...
and how she had to go to Washington
or you'd lose your job.
And then
she started bawlin'.
Oh, hi, Daddy. Aunt Martha's
at her garden club,
but your dinner's on the stove.
I seem to be coming down
with a cold.
Uh, how come you never told me
you hated horse shows?
What? Who told you that?
Ronnie told me that.
Oh, Daddy.
And, uh, what's
this nonsense about, uh...
my losing my job?
It isn't nonsense, Daddy.
I heard what Mr. Dugan said at Lakeville.
I didn't mean to listen.
I just heard.
Well, I don't care
what Mr. Dugan said.
You know,
a job's just a job.
But what's here at home...
That's what's important.
I mean, that's important.
I'm not gonna lose that.
You're not gonna ride
in any more horse shows.
Oh, Daddy.
- Daddy, I can get to Washington.
- No.
Suzie... She's coming over here.
She was gonna work with me all week.
- Daddy, if I practice...
- No!
- Even if I want to?
- Now, listen, you try to con me...
I'm gonna take you across
my knee like I used to.
- You never took me over your knee.
- Well, I should have.
Now, you, uh, wipe that smeary face
and get outside.
Ronnie's waiting on you.
But I look terrible, and he's
wearing a tie. I'm not even dressed.
Somehow I don't think
it'll matter. Now, go on.
Daddy, will we have
to sell Aspie?
Are you kidding? Of course,
we're not selling Aspie.
He's a member of the family.
[Door Closes]
Well, Herbie, I wonder
how the market is...
for slightly used
vice presidents.
- So?
- He's fine.
- Only a few scratches. That's all.
- Good, good.
Now all I have to do is
figure out how to feed him
on my unemployment check.
- You'll find a way.
- I do have one angle.
I'm thinking of joining the circus
as a bareback rider.
Don't knock it. Aspie and I went over
a seven-foot wall this afternoon.
- Seven feet?
- And one inch! The police
measure everything.
Aspie went seven feet.
I personally went ten feet
for a flash finish into a lath house.
You will tell me, old boy,
won't you, when you plan to,
uh, stop that fast again?
- Fred?
- Yeah?
Supposing Aspie did make it.
To Washington, I mean.
No, no, no. Helen's through
riding in horse shows.
And I'm through
on Madison Avenue.
Stop feeling sorry
for yourself and listen.
- Sorry for myself?
- Supposing Aspie were entered
in the open jumper championship.
Why do you say
I'm sorry for myself?
Because I like you.
Because I like Helen.
I like Aunt Martha and Aspie
and Herbie and the whole insane setup.
And maybe I have an idea
to save it. That's all.
You know, you look rather fetching
when you get all steamed up like this.
Listen. Do you have any idea how
many horses there are...
in this whole wide world
that can jump seven feet?
A handful. Aspie may have the stuff
to go for the biggest prize of all.
- The open jumper championship.
- That's impossible. He's a kid's horse.
I mean, just because he was
on the lam from the cops...
If he did it once,
he can do it again.
And if he made it to Washington
as an open jumper...
Wow! That's
really big league.
And you get a thousand times
more publicity than with Helen
in a junior class, right?
Well, sure, but...
open jumper champion.
How would Allied Drug like that
for a subliminal commercial?
You know, you might be
in the wrong business.
- Is it a deal then?
- Yeah, it's a deal.
Well, you get
a good night's rest, Aspie.
We've got big plans for you.
Good night.
Good night. Uh, so soon?
Can I buy ya a beer?
Uh, cup of coffee?
Glass of milk?
No. I want to get
a good night's rest myself.
We haven't much time.
I want to put Aspie in training tomorrow.
You really think
he has a chance?
Naturally I want to get
an expert opinion before we go too far.
Your opinion
is good enough for me.
There's one man who can
tell us in a minute. I want to get him.
Then get him.
You're the boss.
- Fred?
- Yeah?
I'm sorry I said you were
sorry for yourself. I didn't mean it.
Yes, you did, and I was.
- Oh, uh, S.J., uh...
- Yes?
- J-just one question.
- Yes?
Why are you being
so helpful?
- Hmm?
- Well, I mean...
Uh, who are you
doing all this for?
- Couldn't be Helen. She's out of it now.
- I guess so.
Not Tom Dugan.
You don't know him.
No. No, that's true.
Not Aunt Martha, is it?
No. No, it's not Aunt Martha.
No, no.
Well, I guess that only
leaves one conclusion, doesn't it?
Yeah, I guess it does.
I must be doing it
for the horse.
[Both Laughing]
- I like you, S.J.
- I must go.
Helen and, uh, Aunt Martha
and Herbie like ya too, S.J.
Good night.
The whole family
likes ya, S. J!
[Horn Honking]
- This will have to be moved
about 18 inches.
- [Car Door Closing]
- Hi, Daddy!
- Hi, honey.
[Grunts] I got tied up at
the office. Am I late?
No, you're just in time.
They're gonna try him now.
Yeah, for what?
The pole vault?
- That thing looks ten feet high.
- No more than
five-and-a-half feet, Daddy.
Isn't this the craziest?
- Is that the expert fellow out there?
- Yeah, that's him.
Wait till you meet him. He's so handsome
you're gonna go all swoony.
I'll try to bear up.
Where's Suzie?
She's in the barn with Aspie.
Hey, you sure
this guy's an expert?
He used to be
on the United States Equestrian Team.
Now he's
a professional coach.
- He knows more about jumpers
than practically anybody around.
- Hmm.
Uh, Mr. Madison?
I'd like you to meet my father.
- Oh!
- Daddy, this is Archer Madison.
- How do you do, Mr. Bolton?
- Mr. Madison.
I've been looking over your horse.
If he's as good over the fences...
as he looks in the stall,
you might have something.
Well, good, good.
I hope so.
Here they come!
I'll check with you later.
- Archer Madison?
- Isn't he devastating, Daddy?
- Devastating.
- [Aspie Whinnying]
- Hey, he's... He's the one
that Suzie almost got, uh...
- I know. She told me.
How could she ever have
cooled it with anyone so gorgeous?
Well, if she cooled it,
it looks like he's heating it up again.
Oh, Daddy, he's just giving her some
last-minute instructions.
Maybe that's what it looks like
to you, but if you ask...
What... what do you mean,
instructions? About what?
- Hey! What is she doing?
- Well, she's gonna ride him.
- Suzie?
- All the top riders
were booked for Washington.
So it had to be Suzie
or else.
Well, that fence
is too high for her.
Daddy, Suzie knows what
she's doing, really.
Now, watch your rhythm.
Rhythm. That's what
these placing poles are all about.
After the brush
there are three beats.
One, two, three!
You got left behind.
Try it again.
What is he doing now?
He's raising it higher!
Remember what
those cavallettis are for.
That's better.
- You're behind the motion.
Get with the horse.
- Right.
Watch it!
Are you all right, Suzie?
You're sure?
- Yes, I'm all right. I'm all right, Fred.
- You hurt?
It was so stupid of me.
Could we try it again, Archer?
- Yes, of course.
- Try...
Nothing doing! The whole deal is off.
What are you trying to do, kill her?
I'm merely trying to help her
get to Washington...
which for some mysterious reason
she seems to want.
- Now, come on, Suzie.
I'll give you a leg up.
- Suzie!
- Suzie! I don't think you should.
- I'm all right, Fred, really.
- Now, knees tighter this time.
- Okay.
I'll get it good this time.
She's okay, Daddy.
Come on.
All right, Suzie.
Get with it now.
That's much better.
Okay, that'll be enough.
Well, what do you think, Archer?
I think you've been doing
too much teaching and not enough riding.
But you still
have a talent.
It's a 300-to-1 shot,
but she does have a chance.
And if you want me to help, I will.
The decision is yours.
Well, come on, young lady.
Let's cool off this horse of yours.
On to Washington, Freddie?
Suzie, I can't let you risk your neck
to save mine with Tom Dugan.
[Laughs] You're just afraid that
Aspie and I will be a flop.
Are you demented?
I think you're both great.
Then you're afraid you won't
be able to sell Mr. Dugan.
Oh, that's no problem.
I mean, it's a natural, but...
Then let's stop horsing around.
On to Washington, Freddie?
On to Washington, Suzie.
Oh! Isn't this
beautiful, Freddie?
Yeah, yeah, this is
the big league, all right. [Chuckles]
[Trumpet Fanfare]
[Man On P.A. System]
Ladies and gentlemen...
welcome to the Washington
International Horse Show.
Circling the ring now
in the tallyho coach...
are the distinguishedjudges
for this evening's events.
- Does jumping start now?
- I don't know.
No, ma'am. These are just
the opening ceremonies.
- Ceremonies.
- The first jumping class
doesn't start till later.
Uh, stay here, everybody.
I'm gonna see if Suzie needs anything.
Freddie, sit down.
You just saw Suzie ten minutes ago.
- You'll only make her nervous.
- Yeah, right, right.
[Announcer] During the next
seven days and nights...
over 120 class competitions
will be held in this arena.
Among the classes
to bejudged tonight...
class 56, ladies,
hunter under sidesaddle.
Class 105,
Tennessee walking horses.
- [Baying]
- A special event, ladies and gentlemen...
the Forest Hill Hunt Club
with their prize-winning pack ofhounds.
By the end of the week,
ladies and gentlemen...
we will have determined the grand
international open jumper champion.
This award will be given
to the horse that has won
the greatest number of points...
in the entire
open jumper division.
In these classes,
each knockdown is four faults.
Touches without a knockdown,
no penalty.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
class 7 2...
open jumpers, bonus point.
Okay. Okay, everybody.
Suzie's event. Fingers.
[Announcer] Our first exhibitor,
number 111, Ann's Joy...
owned and ridden
by Miss Ellen Farrell.
- Lieutenant Mario Lorendo
at your service, senorita.
- Suzie Clemens.
- Your first international?
- [Laughs] Yes.
- I'm very nervous.
- This is my sixth international.
- And I am very nervous too.
- [Laughs]
[Crowd Gasps]
[Crowd Gasps]
Number 111, eight faults.
- Eight faults, eight faults.
- The next exhibitor, number 7 44...
the Chilean champion,
owned and ridden
by Lieutenant Mario Lorendo.
- Isn't he a beautiful horse, Daddy?
- Beautiful horse.
[Hoof Bumps Pole]
- He's terribly good, isn't he?
- Terribly.
[Crowd Gasps, Applauds]
Number 7 44, Rascala, four faults.
- L-is Suzie next?
- No, ma'am. She's the last entry.
- Last entry.
- Just keep 'em crossed, Aunt Martha.
[Crowd Gasping]
Number 11 7, eight faults.
If Suzie doesn't come on soon,
I'm gonna be a basket case.
- And now, the last exhibitor,
number 320, Aspercel...
- Already?
Owned by Miss Helen Bolton,
ridden by Miss Suzie Clemens.
- [Applause]
- Okay, Aspie, let's go.
- [Applause Continues]
- Whoa.
Come on, Aspie.
Show 'em how.
- [Gasps]
- [Brief Applause]
[Applause Continues]
- Well, coach?
- I didn't particularly like
that third fence, Suzie.
You took a chance with it,
but you got away with it.
Number 320, Aspercel,
ridden by Miss Suzie Clemens...
a clean round,
no faults.
- No faults!
- Daddy, no faults!
Of course, no faults!
That's my girl Suzie.
- Yeah!
- Ladies and gentlemen...
the winner in class 7 2,
open jumpers, bonus point...
first place, number 3 20, Aspercel,
ridden by Miss Suzie Clemens.
- Congratulations, senorita.
- Thank you!
- Wasn't he a doll?
- You both were.
Is it all over?
Is she the champion?
- This is just a preliminary round, ma'am.
- Prelim...
- She gets five points for this win.
- Five points.
- There's still six days to go.
- Six days. I hope I make it.
[Crowd Gasps, Applauds]
- Good luck, pal. Hello.
- Hi.
Helen decided you and I
should have dinner.
Oh, Freddie, why don't
you go to a restaurant and eat sensibly?
I'm too jumpy
to eat sensibly.
Everybody thinks I'm becoming
completely unglued, you know that?
- You really are, aren't you?
- No, no. Only when I see
you go over those fences.
I go over
every one of them with you.
I'm getting psychological
saddle sores from watching.
- Oh.
- Open your mouth.
- Big bite. Open your mouth. Come on.
- Oh, no.
There ya go.
You know, you're the only woman
I've ever met who looks beautiful chewing.
Uh, Suzie, l...
Maybe I should wait on the moonlight
and music bit, but, uh...
[Clears Throat]
I, uh...
Every time I see ya go over those fences
I figure I better hurry.
- But l...
- No, no, no, no. Don't stop me,
because I might never get this out.
- Suzie...
- Ah! Good luck, senorita.
- Good luck, Mario.
- Senor?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Buena suerte.
Ah, gracias, gracias.
- Suzie?
- Yes?
- Suzie...
- Suzie, Mr. Bolton.
They just posted
tonight's course. It's a monster.
These first two fences are easy,
but the third one is a...
I think you better pay
a little attention, young lady.
- Fred, I'm sorry.
- No, no, go ahead. I just
came to wish you good luck...
- As I say, the first one is easy.
Watch going into the second.
- And share dinner.
Don't let him pick up
too much speed.
Now, as soon as you land,
you take a sharp turn to the right.
You're gonna need all the impulsion
you can get over this third one.
Now, the fourth one... that's pretty
straight, but you've still got to watch...
- [Nickers]
- Look at the size of this spread.
Ever seen a spread
that size before?
Hey, Freddie!
Just the guy I'm lookin' for!
Come on, Alex. I wanna get
a shot of you and Dugan right here.
- Well!
- How do you do? How do you do?
- Glad you could make it.
- I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
- You know my wife?
- How do you do, Mrs. Dugan?
We're gonna knock 'em
dead tonight.
Aren't we gonna knock 'em
dead tonight?
We're gonna try to
knock 'em dead tonight.
- I'll see you.
- Yes.
Freddie, where'd you go?
Come here. Freddie!
Ladies and gentlemen...
we have reached the climax
of the Washington International Horse Show.
The next event
will be a jump-off...
between Aspercel and Rascala.
In this week's competition,
these two finalists...
have tied in total points.
Thus, the winner of this event will be
the grand champion jumper...
of the Washington
International Horse Show.
For this event, we have departed from
the standardjumping course...
by adding the great wall
as a final barrier.
In case of a tie,
the wall will be raised...
- for a secondjump-off against the clock.
- Excuse me, please.
In just a moment now,
the open jumper grand championship.
- How's Suzie?
- Oh, calm as... Well, this is it, isn't it?
- Certainly is.
- Yep.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our finalists have flipped a coin.
And number 320, Aspercel, ridden by
Miss Suzie Clemens, will be first to go.
[Cheering, Applause]
All right, meatball. It's a little tougher
than the others, but you can do it.
[Crowd Gasps]
[Crowd Gasps]
[Cheering, Applause]
[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention, please.
Aspercel, ridden
by Miss Suzie Clemens...
has a clean round,
a perfect score.
Now, our second finalist,
number 7 44...
Rascala, ridden by
Lieutenant Mario Lorendo.
- [Hoof Bumps Pole]
- [Crowd Gasps]
[Crowd Gasps, Applauds]
Ladies and gentlemen, remember,
there are no penalties for touches.
Rascala and Lieutenant Mario Lorendo,
a clean round, a perfect score!
We have another tie. In a few moments,
there will be a secondjump-off.
[Applause Continues]
Look what they're doing
to the wall.
[Announcer] Now the great wall
is being raised to a height of seven feet.
Nobody's gonna
get over that thing alive.
- Relax, Daddy.
- Relax, relax.
Look who's talkin',
the program twister.
Good luck,
Senorita Suzie.
Good luck, Lieutenant Mario.
[Announcer] In this secondjump-off,
ladies and gentlemen...
time taken to complete the course
will be the deciding factor...
ifboth horses have
equal faults or clean rounds.
First to go will be Rascala...
- ridden by Lieutenant Mario Lorendo.
- Whoa.
[Crowd Gasps]
Ladies and gentlemen, Rascala
and Lieutenant Mario Lorendo...
four faults.
Time:3 7.6 seconds.
Now, our second contender...
Aspercel, ridden
by Miss Suzie Clemens.
[Crowd Gasps]
- Is she out?
- Four faults.
- [Bolton] Now it's against the clock.
- And she still has the wall.
Ladies and gentlemen, Aspercel,
owned by Miss Helen Bolton...
and ridden by
Miss Suzie Clemens...
four faults!
Time: 37 point...
- Point what?
- Point two seconds!
Point two seconds!
Look, honey, we won!
Aspie! Aspie!
- Congratulations, senorita.
- Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the first prize and trophy...
for the grand champion
open jumper goes to Aspercel.
[Applause Continues]
You know, you could do a lot worse
than making Fred Bolton a partner.
- Hmm?
- Never mind. I'll tell ya later.
Come on.
Come on, honey.
Come on, come on.
Let's go.
Excuse me.
Here, let me have that, will ya, honey?
Nice goin' there.
- [Charlie] Come on, Alex.
- Come on, Daddy!
[Chattering, Laughing]
Come on, Alex.
Get one.
Yes, thank you. Thank you.
Yes, we did rather well
out there.
[Charlie] All right, folks, can we get
a little room here, please?
I want to get a picture
of the little lady with...
Get it, Alex. Right here.
Sorry, Mr. Dugan. Good. All
right, now where's the fellow
with the silver soup bowl?
- Harry, Harry, you got the silver thing?
- Right over here.
Yeah. Come on, honey.
Come on, sweetheart.
I'll take that, sir. Here.
Take it right... Hey, congratulations!
- My boy, I told you we'd make it.
- Congratulations, Freddie.
That's it. Very nice.
Oh, General, good...
- Lieutenant.
- Lieutenant General.
- No, just Lieutenant.
- Yeah, all right.
All right, come on.
Let's get you over here.
- [Charlie] By the man, that's it.
- [Dugan] Ah, yes.
Okay, that's a good one.
Now, I want a picture of me
personally with the little girl
that jumped the big wall!
Right over here!
Congratulations, Mr. Bolton.
This must be a very big night for you.
- Well, it's, uh... It is. It is.
- Good night, sir.
Shall I take him
to his stall, Mr. Bolton?
Uh, no, I'll take him.
I'll take him.
[Charlie] Come on. Let's get a little
closer there, folks, for a picture.
Come on, Aspie. Let's, uh, open up
some oats and celebrate.
[Charlie] Okay, now, this way,
everybody! Good, good. One more.
One more. Don't move.
Don't move. One more.
Well, Aspie, you did it.
Won the big event.
Well, saved my job,
the Allied Drug account.
So how come
I feel so miserable?
Feel like we won the battle
and lost the war.
So there you are.
- Well, hello there and congratulations.
- And where were you?
Oh, uh, here, there.
I was, uh...
standing among your admirers,
waiting to congratulate you.
- That's enough.
- Oh, you were, were you?
Yes, yes, I was there,
but you were, uh, tied up.
I'm sorry, Freddie. Everything happened
so fast. I was looking for you.
It was no wonder you couldn't see me
with your Mr. Madison...
smothering you with
those victory kisses.
Oh, Freddie!
You really are an ever-faithful,
true-blue, cornball type.
- Cornball?
- I'm so happy I could cry.
That was just my way
of thanking Archer.
Without him, we wouldn't
have won or anything.
- Yeah?
- That's all. I promise.
Now, wasn't there something
terribly important...
that you wanted
to tell me...
but never got
the chance to?
Yes, there was.
Yes, there is.
Come here.
Come here. Suzie.
- Suzie?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna talk fast. Suzie, l...
- Suzie! Daddy!
We've been looking
all over for you!
- L... I'll come back later.
- No, no, honey. Honey, come back now.
And you started the whole thing,
so don't give me that fake surprise bit.
- He finally got around to it.
- Finally.
Oh! Suzie,
I'm so happy for you.
When's the wedding?
- The wedding?
- The wedding?
- Oh, Daddy.
- Well, you made it
a pretty short courtship.
Does save a lot of dialogue
though, doesn't it?
Hey, Freddie, come on! Dugan
wants pictures of everybody
with the soup bowl here.
Get the trophy. Suzie, you hold it.
Let's get you right close to the horse.
That's it. In closer.
Beautiful. Stay like that.
Come on. Everybody close
together. Alex, you set now?
Look this way like
a big happy family.