The Inspector General (1949) Movie Script
- I have to see the Mayor.
- He's in a council meeting and he
can't be disturbed.
- I demand that you let me through.
- I've ridden all night, 80 miles.
That's the orders.
Get out of my way.
Stop! I said STOP!
- I must see the Mayor.
- But the Mayor is in council meetings.
-Let go of me. You'll be sorry, I'm a
relavtive of the Mayor's.
- So am I, so is the whole council.
Where's the council room? Cousin Bryo.
- Stop making so much noise,
they're in a meeting.
- What is all this commotion?
Counsin Gregor, cousin Bryo.
- This is my cousin, the Mayor of Trebin.
- I'm sorry, this man he tried to...
- Come in here.
- Counsin Gregor.
- I've been riding all night. It's a disaster.
- Come and sit down. Fetch brandy and water.
-No water....
-Come on, tell what's happened. Speak up.
Like thunder, he appeared among us.
The postmaster was hanged, and the
chief of police was let off with 200 lashes.
I was sentenced to the firing squad.
Lucky for me, the rifles blew up and I escaped.
- I need a fresh horse. I must be off at once.
- A fresh horse for our cousin.
Sit down, sit down.
- I must go. Even now, he may be
here in your midst. - Who?
- Speak up man, who?
- The Inspector General.
Yes, he has full power from the Emporer himself.
And where ever he finds bribery and coruption,
that's where the gallows and firing squads go to work.
- More!
- What does he look like, this Inspector General?
Who knows? A man of mystery.
Five days he was in our midst and
no one even suspected it.
He went everywhere, saw
everything and uncovered such
coruption that even I was shocked.
- Now don't get excited.
- Don't get excited! How I envy
you, secure in your clean town and fear no one.
- The horse is ready, Uncle Byro.
I must be off.
- Oh Gregor, where will you go?
Far away anywhere, Africa, China...
Good-bye cousin Byro.
Farewell Uncle.
Good-bye cousin.
Do you need any money?
I have a few crowns.
Thank-you.
City Funds.
Farewell.
I would like to take this opportunity
to tend to my resignation.
SIT DOWN! What would you do?
Go back to rolling pills in that stink
shop of a chemist?
- I promised my wife.......
- I have to talk to my sister.....
STAY WHERE YOU ARE! Nothing
is to be gained by rushing around blindly.
We must proceed according to
system. You Lazlo, clean up the square.
You Toleki. Get the children back
into school. Start teaching them
something, anything.
You two deliver the mail, all of it,
whether you've read it or not.
- I never read the mail.
- Yes you did, don't you remember?
Kovak, come back here.
I want all roads policed day and night.
I want a report of everyone
who's entered this town in the past 24 hours.
Check the tavern. lnvestigate all
strangers. Bring your reports to me
personally, do you understand?
- es, but first I would like to.....
- First you will obey orders. Now
get out of here.
Thank-you.
Order double guards at the city
gates and patrol all roads to Brodny at once.
AT ONCE!
- Come with me.
- What goes with Uncle General?
I said come with me.
- Anything wrong.
- Quiet.
Quiet you.
I shall investigate here. You men
go on to the next town.
Countrymen approach. Step up,
step up. Come close for the
greatest experience of your life.
You will tell your children and
grandchildren about this.
First you will be entertained by the
greatest musicians in the country
right from the court of the Emporer.
Yakov's exlixsir, the best that can
be had. Yakov's elixsir is good for
what is bad.
Now my good people, step closer
so that you may see with your own eyes.
I Yakov Guli, positioned to Princes
and crown heads come among you to...
exhibit absolutely free of charge the
wonder of the world and parellel
since the dawn of time.
Are you ready my friends? The
Egyptian marvel, the treasure of the
Pharohs. Behold!
- tep right up people. Examine, observe.
- You there! Who are you? Let me
see your peddlar card.
Here you go Captain. Yakov Guli.
An honest professional man from Pribirk.
I have testimonials from the Emporer himself.
- Never mind.
- What about your friend there?
Who him?
Captain, don't run away, come
back. We welcome all investigations.
Look my friends. It lives, it breathes.
It laughs, it cries, it thinks.
Watch his left ear. How much is 2 + 2?
Correct! This is not just an old
head. This is Prince Ahmed of ancient Egypt.
Beheaded by the cruel Pharoh,
because of his forbidden love for
the crown Princess.
And now my friends you ask
yourselves, How has this miracle
survived for over 2000 years?
An excellent question. Only this.
Yakov's Golden Elixsir.
Look how his eyes plead with me to
give him a dose of my elixsir.
He really yearns for its richness.
I am a simple man my friends. I do
not make extravagant claims for my medicine.
If a person is already dead, for instance...
there is only a slim chance that my
medicine will do him any good.
But if only a spark of life remains....
Yakov's Golden Elixsir will fan it into
a roaring fire of health.
How can Yakov cheat those poor people
like that? Why what's the matter? Well
this is the furniture polish he sold yesterday?
Come on, hurry up. He's almost through.
- No, you don't wear this.
- Here is the testimonials from my
grateful customers.
Even from the great Napoleon
himself, written on the battlefield of Austerlitz.
He gives the elixsir full credit for the victory.
For years I've suffered terrible
digestive depress."
However since taking Yakov's
mircle elilxsir, I no longer find it
necessary to.....
continuously hold my hand on my
stomach."
Kindest personal regards:
Napoleon."
But why do I tell you these things
my friends when there is someone here....
a sufferer on whom I've looked with
compassion when he lay on death's door.
Unable to move a muscle.
Paralyzed!
Friend, are you aware that you are
losing your hair?
Do you need money? Have you
been on a diet?
Are you bothered by quiet?
Quiet.....QUIET!
Nice dancer that fellow.
Do you get colds, or prickly heat, a
burning brow, blazing feet, a
leaping pulse...
or Hic-cups? Do you get Hic-cup?
A touch of laryngitis, asthama, or
appendincitis, or hic-cups......
or hic......cups.
Or measles, a diagnosis of
phycosis...
Have you ever been short of breath?
Well, cheer up, cheer up, cheer up.
No matter how bad your condition.
I have news that will tickle your ears.
- I was dead.
- Dead?
Well, pretty sick.
Til I saw a famous physician, who
hadn't seen a patient in years.
He was near-sighted.
He said, hello young man, you are
possibly the plumber.
I'm a patient Dr. Hummer. Dr.
Hummer said, hhhhmmmmmm.
Dr. Hummer said hmmmmm, with a
C. Dr. Cinger. Dr. Cinger said
aaaaaahhh.
You have something with your nose
and something with your sneezes.
Tell me young man.
You've had some diseases? Have I had.....
When I was one I had a.....
When I was two I had a..
When I was three I had..
By the time I was four...
When I was six I had a....
At seven I developed...
When I was eight I got a....
By the time I was nine....
Doctor, why am I always so tired?
Doctor Cinger said
aaaaaaaaahhhhh.
And gave me the following
perscription.
Zalaminhalticnol, twice a day.
Since that day I haven't been sick
sir. And that medicine did the trick
sir. What was it, don't ask me.
I'll tell you.
Yakov's Golden Elixsir.
Come my friends. Who will be the
first to buy Yakov's Elixsir?
I have 12 pennies. My husband is
sick. Maybe if he had your
medicine, he'd get well.
Go away please. Will you take one here?
Sell it to her. Why, I did very well I
sold three. Ooooohhhh.
Here you go mother. What ever is
wrong with your husband, he is now cured.
All right ladies and gentlemen, here
it is. The most wonderful, the most
miraclous all cure. The Golden Elixsir.
- Mother, I'll give you your pennies,
give me back the medicine. - No!
- The medicine is no good.
- It's for my husband. He needs it, he's sick.
I know and this will fi nish him off.
Take the pennies and buy milk. It
will be better than the medicine.
Do you remember me? I'm the
fellow with all the diseases, but
there is nothing wrong with me.
The medicine is a fake, I'm a fake,
Yakov is a fake.
This is no good. I tell you mother, we are
cheating all the people, don't you see?
We wash windows with it, furniture polish.
All the people. Pardon me. All the
people back there.
Yakov!
Yakov...Yakov!
Georgi... Georgi!
You....
Look Yakov, a fish.
We can have supper now. Put it
near the flame.
- It's mine Yakov.
- It's mine now. Yeah, but I caught it.
I took it.
When you learn a little more about
taking and a little less about giving,
you can come back.
- I'm sorry about that poor old woman.
- Being sentimental is not good.
In this life it's dog eat dog. Bite and
scratch. Grab everything for
yourself and hold on like a leech.
- You can't even pick a pocket.
- Yes I can so do it.
I'm a good thief Yakov. Even better
than you, see?
- That's my watch.
- When did you get it? In the water.
Please Yakov don't send me off. I'll
do anything you want. I'll be hard as nails.
- I'll steal my own mother's teeth.
-I'll believe it when I see it, get out.
Oh all right, I'll go.
- Right after supper.
- You get out of here.
- Why you iliterate numbskull you.
- I'm not iliterate!
You're not huh? Read that.
- Read it?
- Read it!
- Who can read on am empty stomach?
- Read it and I'll give you supper.
It's say ah, ah.
Oh this is very interesting. Your
handwriting shows defi nite
character, it shows...
your generous and wouldn't refuse
a hungry man...
- Read it!
- It says, dear sir.
- It says, "To whom it may concern".
- That's right, I was testing you.
Best personal regards, Napoleon.
Here you are.
- Maybe I can't read or write, but I'm not iliterate.
- You're nothing just a mill stone, get
out of here.
- GET OUT!
-Good-bye Yakov.
To Whom It May Concern. What a
silly way to start a letter.
To Whom It May Concern. What a
silly way to start a letter.
The sailor loves the sea when the
wind blows fair.
The Arab loves the desert and the
sand which is there. The Farmer.
Sandwiches...
- Go get it.
- Oh, just the bottom of the barrel.
What do you want?
I thought you men wouldn't mind
sharing a little of your food with a....
- On your way you tramp. We
hardly got enough for ourselves.
- Go on, get on your way.
- Well you just gave a little piece to the dog.
- The dog does something for his food.
What'd I tell you. Go on. Go away.
- Oh he's moody.
- If I could just have a little piece.
Wait a minute. Otto, come here.
Roll over.
- Can you do that? Could I have a little piece?
- Can you do that?
Roll over? Let's
see you do that.
Hurry up. Lie down, lie down.
Wait a minute. I bet he can run
faster than you can.
No thanks Otto. You won it fair and
square.
A bargain is a bargain.
Any good?
Would you mind if I tasted a few?
I haven't had anything to eat in a
couple of days.
I appreciate this. Thank-you very much.
Don't put that heavy stuff on top of
the crystal. Where's the wagon?
- Now please go back.
- Stop thief! Go get him.
-Stop that thief. Is there somebody
over there that can stop that thief?
- I caught you, you thief!
Who me? You have the wrong
person. The horse followed me, I'm innocent.
Then you'll hang with a clear conscience.
Take him to jail. Take him away.
Hold it, hold it. I'm innocent. Stop!
Ask the horse, I'm innocent.
Gentlemen.
- To business. Gizzy or is it Izzy?
- I'm Izzy uncle.
- You can always tell by the strawberry mark.
- Never mind. The hospital, have
you cleaned it up?
We cleaned up the floor, put sheets
on the bed and got the goats out of surgery.
And I put charts on each of the
patients beds, indicating the nature
of their illness.
Good, at least now they'll know
what they die from. Kovach...
Well, I've patrolled all the roads
leading to and from Brodny.
So unless the Inspector General decides
to disguise himself like a bird and fly
into the city, he'll never get past me.
- Good. And the jail?
- I've had new locks fitted to all the
cells, burned all the rubbish.
- I even have a prisoner.
- Good, who is he?
Oh I don't know , just a tramp.
I apprehended him in the city square.
He was trying to make off with a
horse and wagon, the one we were
loading with silver.
- My silver? My valuables?
- Yes, but I got him before he.....
- Who is he? Where did he come from?
- Oh I don't know he's just......
a common tramp. Dressed in rags.
You idiot! Did you cite him,
question him?
It was so near lunch time and he
was just a common tramp.
The Inspector General? Well that's
ridiculous.
Why not a tramp? In Falsburg he
appeared as a travelling shoe salesman.
In Clamatti he was disguised as a
peddler. And here, why not a tramp?
My horse and wagon. The wagon I
loaded with valuables to ship out of town.
Of course, the evidence he needed.
Now he knows.
-I would like to take this opportunity
to tender my resignation.
- To the jail.
Who's there?
- Want some water? Water?
- I want some food.
- I'm sorry. The prisoners are fed
promptly at 3 o'clock.
- I guess I can hold out til then.
- Wednesday and Saturday.
- But today is Thursday.
- What is time?
- Look I haven't eaten in two days.
What kind of jail is this where they
won't even give a man a crust of
bread. All I want is a little piece of food there.
This is a nice jail. Really it is.
We've had some nice hangings here.
- What's nice about the hanging?
- Oh, you should see the ceremony.
- And the last meal.
- The last meal?
- Can you order anything you like?
- Anything! The town of Brodny
may have its faults, but they certainly
do it right when they hang a man.
The Mayor and all the commissionaires
come dressed in their finest clothes.
And the town band assemblies at
the door of the jail.
Such beautiful music. And they
play the prisoner right up to the gallows.
- I'll never forget one hanging we
had a few years ago. - What's that?
- What's what?
- What's that music?
-What were you arrested for?
- Nothing, I'm innocent.
It the commissionaires and
everybody and they brought the band.
Who are they going to hang?
- There's only one prisoner here.
- Well, if he doesn't fi nish his last meal...
HELP! HELP! HELP!
You let me out of the jail, you hear,
or I'll go right to the Emporer.
Help! What a fine crooked village this
much be. The thieves you must have here.
Let me out! Help! Help!
- A common tramp eh?
- Why was I put in this jail? Help!
- Open the gate.
- No trial, no justice.
I will report this to the Emporer.
This is a crooked village, this is.
Don't any of you come near me. If
any of you come near me. I
demand to be released.
If you have been put to any
inconvience, I assure you that my
colleagues and myself are deeply destressed.
This is just a small community. Not
rich or powerful.
Be it citizens or travellers, be they
humbled or clothed to the highest
degree of nobility....
be they vagrants or inspector
generals appointed by the Emporer...
in our village they find courtsey, honor and
strict adherence to the principals of justice.
Command us you Excellency and
we will obey.
Believe me your Highness,
I nderstand and value your desire to
remain incognito.
Permit me to compliment you on
your amazing disguise. It's most convincing.
In a corrupt city, with dishonest officials,
such a strategy would be most effective.
But here in our fair village of
Brodny, we beg you to accept our hospitalilty.
Why don't we discuss the entire
situation at dinner.
Go to my house and tell my wife we
have an honored guest. To her to
make a feast, a banquet.
Your Excellency, how can we talk in
these sordid sourroundings? At my
home, dinner will be just about ready.
A roast, a turkey, several kinds of
game, a rack of lamb and a
magnificent pot-roast.
You will probably want a change of
clothes. Quick, some suitable
clothing for His Excellency.
- Where will I get the clothing?
- Your uniform, take it off. Now?
Your Excellency. Our chief of police
regrets his mistake.
He will be delighted for you to wear
his uniform until your luggage arrives.
-He's tall, I know he is. Is he going
to stay long? - I hope not.
- What's taking you so long, hurry.
- But I can't get it, it's too tight.
I wonder if the Inspector General will think
it's too tight? Tell me did you notice the
color of his eyes? Are they blue?
What are you staring at stupid?
Get busy and set the table.
And you two. When you serve, see
that your hands are clean. You
Bela, you remove the dishes when I ring.
Lateues, you bring on the fresh
course and move quickly and see
that you don't spill anything on our guests.
- Did you hear me?
- What did I say? I take a bowl of fruits.
- When?
- When you ring the bell.
Lisa you serve the wine and do
anything else to make yourself
useful. Come Burbus.
Put on a clean apron. Did he say
anything about Paris? Budapest? Vienna?
That dress was too tight. So tight, it
made her eyes pop out.
This is my humble home, Your
Excellency. It isn't large, I've only a
small pittance of a salary.
Maria, my jewel. Maria.
You're Excellency, this is my wife, Maria.
His Excellency, The Inspector General.
- Oh Your Excellency, this is such a pleasure.
- Let me take you hat and sword.
Your Excellency, this is my wife Catherine.
Laslo...
We must get rid of him. I'll give him
plenty of brandy, anything to stop
the inspection. You get the glasses.
A toast Your Excellency. Something
to prepare the pallate.
- I'll see about the dinner.
- Dinner?
Your Excellency, this way.
A toast to His Excellency. Love live
His Excellency.
Laslo, get the wine, the brandy, quickly.
Quickly. More brandy Bela.
Now Your Excellency, how
charming it is.... May I present
Mrs. Burbus Your Excellency.
She's the wife of our tax collector
and chemist.
Here we are. Your Excellency, a
little more wine. And a toast to His
Majesty, The Emporer.
Long live The Emporer.
This is Izzy and his twin brother
Gizzy. They're in charge of our
postal department.
- The Inspector General Izzy.
- I'm not Izzy, he is.
- It's very easy to tell by the strawberry mark.
- No, no, no, some other time. One
more aperitif just before dinner.
- Dinner is served.
-One last drink Your Excellency.
Here's to the righteous.
Here's to the evil-doer.
I suppose after Paris and Budapest,
your returning here must be very
distasteful?
What do you think of Switzerland? I
have relatives there. The
Berghoffs. Did you ever run across them?
Your uniform is just beautiful One
husband has one just like it.
I hope you're not disappointed in
the simple fair we serve here.
Ladies and gentlemen! I would like
to propose a toast.
To the fairest city in all the land. To
the home of courage, integrity and honesty.
To Brodny.
Even if I'd had time to prepare the
proper kind of dinner, I don't suppose....
Your Excellency would have found it
comparable to the table they set at
The Emporer's Palace.
I do wish my husband had given me
a little more time.
Maria! His Excellency's glass is empty.
Lisa more wine. Quickly, quickly.
After you've eaten, perhaps you'll
tell me about your life in Vienna?
- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to.
- That's all right, it was just an accident.
Why you clumsy druge.
Oh it was nothing, just merely an
accident. I always spill wine all
over my suit.
She didn't mean it. It was just an
accident. Water is very good for wool.
Just that she didn't mean it, it was
just an accident.
She really didn't....
Latus, bring on the meat course.
Bela the meat courses.
- Bring on the meat courses, quickly.
- Pardon me.
Is it true about the women in Paris?
- Is there something wrong Your Excellency?
- Oh try this. I always carry it with
me, it'll cure anything.
Good-morning Your Excellency.
I thought you would like a glass of
milk before breakfast.
- How did I get here?
- We carried you up after dinner,
Your Excellency.
We undressed you and you were in
a very playful mood, Your Excellency.
-What a naughty Inspector General.
- What!?
Maria. All right, all right. Good-
morning Your Excellency.
- May I express the hope that you
spent a comfortable night.
- What time is it?
It's just past nine. But you've ample
time for a substantial breakfast,
Our program is 11 a.m., reception at
the Town Hall, and an inspection of
the Guard of Honor and a town concert.
At 11:30 a parade to the jail and 12:
15 a public hanging.
- Hanging?
- Followed by lunch.
- This hanging? It isn't anyone I
know, is it?
- It's just some rascle the police arrested.
- He was impersonating a police office.
- Impersonating?
- He made off with a sack of apples
from the local fruit merchant.
- Hanging is much too good for him.
I realize that His Excellency wants
to continue his journey as soon as possible.
Yes, I must go immediately. No
receptions.
- Your Excellency I'm broken hearted.
- I was looking forward to you
inspecting our little village. It's a
wonderful village. Finest village I've
- Would you be kind enough to say
so in your offical report?
- Yes of course, but I must get dressed.
Of course. Assemble the villagers
and band to speed His Excellency
on his way.
- Where are my clothes?
- Kovach! The uniform.
- Well it's badly stained, I was
having it cleaned.
- Well then a fresh uniform for His Excellency.
- Where will I get one for His Excellency?
- Yours will do.
- This is brand new, this wouldn't fit
His Excellency.
- Izzy, Gizzy, take care of this.
They are tailors Your Excellency.
They will retify that. A new uniform
for His Excellency in a half an hour.
Even in the short time you've been
here, you've captured the hearts of
our people. A pity you have to leave.
-I thought I might be coming back
again soon.
- Don't change your plans on our account.
Quick, His Excellency's horse.
The Inspector General's horse.
- I'll send the horse back as soon as possible.
- No, no keep it. Help His
Excellency to mount.
Oh Your Excellency, great star of
wisdom.
Exhaulted one, do not be angry with
your devoted servants. I've hunted
for you everywhere.
Forgive me great master. Forgive
me. Show mercy on your unworthy servant.
- Forgive me you numbskull, or I'll
break you in half.
- It's all right Yakov.
I am the lowly servant of His Great Lord,
The Inspector General. Due to my
negligence, we were separated on the road.
- I was just leaving.
- I must speak to you first master.
The Emporer has sent you
confidential instructions. A secret message.
- But he was just leaving.
- The Inspector General will decide
that for himself.
What are you doing? Yakov, I'll
never be able to get out.
- Yakov why did you stop me? I had a
chance to get away and now they may
hang me. - Be quiet you idiot.
Why should they hang The
Inspector General. They lay the
whole town at your feet.
- I've got everything I want.
- You've got everything you want?
What have you got?
I didn't let anything slip through my
fingers. What have you got? See!
Three spoons? And these fat
thieves are loaded with gold.
But you don't understand. We can
sell the spoons, buy a new wagon
and leave this town.
Go on run away. I was right in the
first place. You haven't got an
honest bone in your body.
Wait a minute Yakov. A few days
ago you kicked me out because you
said I wasn't a good thief.
I kicked you out? I do everything
for you and this is the thanks I get?
For once in your miserable life you
have a chance to do something really good.
What happens? You want to run
like a rabbit.
Never a thought to the people in the
village. Nothing but selfishness.
I crawled through every corner of
this village. Georgi, what misery
exists here.
The Mayor has taxed the very life
out of this town. And not content
with that, they steal.
35,000 crowns they collected from
the little children and their parents
to buy a pipe organ from the church.
And they trump up a cock and bull
story that the organ was destroyed
and that they sold it in another town.
By tonight we can make them pay
35,000 crowns for protection.
Then I buy back the organ, you
present it to the town and we
expose these rascals.
- May I become a wandering gypsy
if I'm not telling the truth.
- But you are a wandering gypsy.
That proves I'm telling the truth. Now to work
Georgi. The most important thing that you make
them understand is that you know how crooked you are.
- They'll shower you with gold.
- 35,000 crowsn Yakov, do you think
they'll give it to me just like that?
They will give you more. It never
fails. They will give you more
because you are The Inspector General.
- I don't know how to be an Inspector General.
- That's very simple, you have to
behave like one.
- But how?
- Oh how, why what. Don't bother
me with silly technicalities.
You're The Inspector General. Be
big, strong, fair.
Gentlemen, I have good news for
you. The Inspector General has
decided to remain indefinitely.
He demands an inspection of the
financial affairs of Brodny and he
will meet with you at the town hall at 2 o'clock.
Big big, be strong, be firm says
Yakov. But if it doesn't work, whose
neck will they jerk?
Whose block will they knock off.
Not Yakov.
Be an Inspector General.
What does an Inspector General
do? lnspect Generals?
An Inspector General generally
inspects that is.....
they expect them to inspect
generally. If they're expecting a
General Inspector.
But an exceptionally generous Inspector General
who made an exception and had no inspection
would cause suspision and in my
condition I couldn't accept. Thank
However If people aren't suspecting now
accept without detecting an imposter who's
not posted as a pedigree inspector.
Could this pabable imposter say a
gypsy or acoster could possibly get
past them by his posture?
In two words-unlikely.
So it is not a question to fl ee or not
to flee, but to be or not to be.
And if so, how?
Should I be arrogant? Should I be
elegant? Should I be smart?
A rolling Russian Czar, or very
British impar
Or like the KGV in Nice who already
eats the cheese while he says "No
thank-you please".
Very smart.
I must examine every side of me.
The long, the narrow , the wide of me.
The Dr. Jekyll and Hide of me.
If I value my anatomy, the skinny
and the pal of me, how shall I start
to play the part?
Should I be arrogant?
Up off your knees. Stop licking my boots.
Elegant?
Sugar?
A lump more.
-Lemon?
- Cream?
- A dribble.
- Tea?
- Never touch it.
Or smart?
If they don't know what they should
know, they don't know what you know.
Arrogant, elegant, smart.
If you say so.
And it's not so! So what?!
If you talk to them pa-pa-pa, you
only waste your breathe.
Laught at them they're all you
probably need.
Talk and you show your ignorance,
laugh and you show your teeth.
Gentlemen, if you would just step aside
for one moment, I should be very happy
to talk to this unfortunate wretch.
The course of action you should act
on that'd actually planned is a
smasher. A lot of thought I put in it.
If you casually cover up your mouth
with your hand,
You will never put your foot in it.
Really gentlemen, please.
Sneak a sniff in of snuff.
And so have you no more disease.
Just stand around and wait for them
to sneeze.
And you'll see which way will blow
the breeze.
Pay no attention to what he tells.
Do it my way.
Stooooop! Please stop!
You're confusing me, please stop,
please stop.
Please say no more.
You're so pleased with yourselves.
You don't care about me.
This isn't true.
If we didn't care, would we talk this way?
Things are not as bad as they look.
No sir, they are much worse.
And remember an ear in the eye is
worth two in the bush.
Then how do I play my roll.
With you I agree with me, you need
no longer linger.
I'll give them the fist.
Give them the wrist.
Give them the finger.
To the Town Hall.
You'll find everything in order, Your
Excellency.
- Just a moment! What was that?
-What was what?
I thought I saw something.
How do you account for this?
- There were no taxes that day, Your Excellency.
- If you put your official signature to
the books, Your Excellency.
- What is this?
- It's the very best we have Your
Excellency. We're not a very rich community.
I think I'd better not sign this, until I've...
- Until you've examined the books
more closely at the house Your Excellency.
- Yes and excellent idea.
We shall see, what we shall see.
And all I saw was this gypsy show.
The fat gypsy was selling this stuf
and his partner....
had his head on a plate.
- Who is that man?
- That His Excellency, The Inspector General.
Military Training Quarters.
Dear Yakov.
I can not stay any longer.
Love Georgi.
This is the kitchen isn't it? Well
you go right ahead, I'm just inspecting.
Fine, just fine.
- Now tell me, is there another way out?
- Out?!
- Out out.
- Oh you're not leaving Your Excellency.
I can't stay another minute. There's
another town I have to inspect.
- People are waiting. How do I get out.
- I can't believe it.
- Can't believe what? You can't
believe I have another town to inspect.
- Of course I do Your Highness.
Please don't be angry with me. I
wasn't angry. You were so kind to
me last night. I thought you would stay.
And it gave me new hope. Why the
whole village is looking to you for help.
- Yes, well I thought perhaps on my way back.
- Oh Your Excellency such
plundering and misery.
It's terrible. But you should see this
other town. They need me very badly.
- People are waiting and receptions.
- I see.
I really mustn't disappoint them.
Well, I'd better be going.
-I'm sorry you won't be more friendly.
- Friendly? Why should I be friendly?
I don't care if I hang for what I say I
think. You're as bad as the rest of them.
Worse, because you have the
power to do good and you run away.
I'll stay. I can get the organ back. lt
didn't burn, I know where it is.
- Then you do care about the people.
- Of course I do.
- The whole town will be so happy.
-I want you to be happy Lizzy.
I don't count Your Excellency. I'm
just a kitchenmaid and I'll always be one.
But that's no way to look at life.
Things can change over night.
After all I wasn't born an Inspector
General.
It just happened. Come on smile.
Reach for the moon and look for the
golden rainbow.
You will find happy times.
You'll hear a tune, that lives in the
heart of a bluebird.
And you'll find happy times.
Thought things look very dark, your
dream is not in vain.
For when do you fi nd a rainbow?
Only after rain.
So wish on the moon, and
someday, it may be tomorrow..
You will suddenly hear chimes
And you'll find your happy, happy times.
Latus, Bela, see to the carriage.
Where is everybody? Oh Your Excellency.
Just look what I found in the Brodny
library. It's the new almanac of The
Emporer's official staff.
- Emporer's official staff?
- Both histories of their families and
portraits of their celebrated families.
The portraits are very bad, very
bad. You wouldn't recognize the one of me.
-And it's terrible.
-I thought women were only vain
about their portraits.
Now I've got to see how bad they've
made you look. You know you've
never even told me your name.
Doesn't matter. I'll soon recognize
you and find out all about you and
your beautiful wife and lovely children.
I have no wife. None of my familiy
had wives. My father didn't like wives.
I mean my mother didn't like my
father's wife. May I have this book?
This looks a lot like you, but older of
course. A relative of yours?
- This is my father. Your father?
- Madame Knabe?
Married with Peter Knabe, 46 years
old and mother of 12 boys.
That was a disguise. My father was
a spy in the war.
He always used to disguise himself
as my mother.
- I was 19 before I could tell them apart.
- Knabe, is that your family name?
- Yes, Farple Knabe.
- Farple, what an unusual name.
Sounds like a morning breeze,
rustling through the leaves of the willows.
What does it mean?
Some kind of soup, I think.
-Where were you born?
- Well let me have the book and I'll
tell you all about it.
- Some night when we're alone,
perhaps tonight.
- I want to hear everything Farple.
You don't know how I yearn to live.
What it means to be married to a
man who doesn't understand.
He's a peasant, a course,
uncultured, a pig.
I was forced to marry him. I'm an
attractive woman, am I not?
I'm still in the first bloom of my
youth, am I not?
Could a man wish for a more lovely,
intelligent, responsive woman than I am?
- No!
- Oh Farple, you say the most beautiful things.
I really must be going.
- You will help me Farple, won't you?
- Promise! I promise.
When we get to Paris, I won't be a
burden for you. I swear.
- Forgive me. May I have a word
with Your Excellency?
- What do you want?
I throw myself on your mercy.
Please Your Excellency, for the
sake of my family.
-What is it? What have you done?
- The tax records, it wasn't my idea
to falsify them.
It was the Mayor, my own uncle and Toleki.
I admit I take bribes, but what kind
of bribes? Puppy dogs, just puppy dogs.
- I like puppy dogs.
-You can have them. Oh forgive me.
All 60 of them. And here's a little
gift just to show you how much....
- Who is it?
- It is I, Toleki, superintendant of the school.
- He mustn't find me here.
- Oh he's just a member of the council.
Come in.
Your Excellency, may I have a
moment of your time. I have
something that may interest you, look.
I have the best interest without a
stain on my heart, or I would never
tell you this.
- Come to the point Tacky.
- Toleki.
Sometimes a man must decide between duty
and friends and I feel it is my duty to advise
you of the corruption in the city of Brodny.
This isn't much, but if you will just
accept it as a loan.
May I see you a moment Your
Excellency. It's Gizzy the postmaster.
Gizzy! He may not find me here.
Come in.
I'm a poor man Your Excellency.
Please accept this, this is all I have.
The temptation was too strong. The
others stole more than I did.
- Who is that?
- Come with me, you have to hide.
Get in the closet here.
- Come in.
- Oh Inspector General. Yes?
I must speak to you. My uniform
looks very nice on you.
- I'm having one made in black, with
silver across here.
- What is it Kovach?
- I may as well make a clean breast of it.
- Won't you sit down?
You see it wasn't for me. It was for
my wife. My wife is not a contented woman.
She wants clothing and money and jewels.
I'd give my 6 kids to get rid of my wife.
- There's only 1 000 crowns here.
- A 1 000 crowns?
- If you just give me a chance to sell the jewels.
- Won't you sit down?
In the bed!
Come in.
- Your Excellency.
- I thought I just put you in the closet?
Come in.
- I didn't know you were resting Your Excellency.
- I always rest, the doctor said it's
good for my liver.
- Maybe I'd better come back?
- No, it's all right. What do you want?
- I just wanted to make a confession.
- I'll take it. Thank-you.
I'm as guilty as the rest of the
others. Oh, I mustn't be found here,
where do I hide? On the bed! No!
On top of the bed.
Come in.
- You don't have to put on any act for me.
- Has the message come yet from
The Emporer?
-Go downstairs and see if my
luggage has arrived.
- What's the matter with you?
What's the weather outside like?
There's a lot of men hiding in there.
The councilmen came with a lot of bribes.
Bribes? Money?
Where is it?
Why? Come in.
Your Excellency, may I speak with
you for a moment? Privately.
- They all brougth him money.
- Gentlemen, I'm going to ask you
to leave the room.
Oh Mayor and you too Chief of
Police. His Highness can not
tolerate dishonesty.
-Then why did he accept the bribes?
- His Excellency has many private charities.
I can assure you that not a penny of
that money will ever find its way into
the pockets of The Inspector General.
What do you want us to do?
It's possible that a few contributions
from you might....
-How much?
- Shall we say 100,000 crowns?
- 100,000 crowns!
- I'll be a pauper. Well keep your money.
You can jingle it in your pockets all
the way up the steps of the gallows.
- He wouldn't do anything like that.
- He would, and he has.
But he might be inclined to show
lieniency if he can realize the
charitable dream of his life.
A much needed addition of the
Catherdral he built in Vienna.
A new church organ. A fire-proof organ.
- Fire-proof!
- He knows. He knows.
- We can get rid of him without
leaving a trace and none of us will
be involved. - Who will do it?
Vetalo, the woodchopper. You do
as I tell him, he has to.
I can get him tonight, during the
reception and confusion and noise.
- But if something goes wrong.
- Nothing will go wrong. Are you sure?
After midnight, as soon as everybody has
had plenty to drink, we'll get him into the
barn where Vetalo the woodchopper is waiting.
He will dispose of the body.
- What are you doing?
- What, you think I want to steal it?
I want to count it.
- I already counted it. You can't count.
- Well, it's very heavy so there must
be enough here to buy back the organ.
- Right, you give it to me and I'll go
get the organ.
- Oh no, not without me!
- You can't leave here. They need
you for the reception.
- Well then we'll go after the reception.
There's an old Hungarian proverb:
Trust everybody but keep the organ
money in sight.
Come in.
- What is that?
- It's just a letter.
- What kind of letter?
- Well a love letter I suppose.
No Yakov, it's private.
Yakov you might tear it.
Well?
Would you read it for me Yakov?
- Oh Georgi, you are such a lucky guy.
- What is it?
- That a beautiful girl like that would
fall in love with you.
- Read it to me Yakov.
My dearest darling Inspector
General. From the moment I fi rst
saw you, I knew you were the one.
At night I dream of your manly figure,
and your handsome gentle features
drive me mad with passionate love.
The sound of your voice thrills me
beyond words, and if I can not have
you for my very own, I will surely die.
-Is there any more? Does she say anything else?
- Yes, P.S., please meet me in the
barn at midnight.
Please meet me in the barn at midnight...
Yakov, what does P.S. mean?
- Please Sweetheart.
- Please sweetheart meet me in the
barn at midnight.
- I have the carriage waiting Farple.
- The carriage?
My things are all packed. I'll meet
you at the stable after the dance.
Cousin Byro....
I have the money. Has he sent in his report?
Then I'll deliver them to him tonight.
We can't settle the matter in here.
Where would you suggest?
Outside, in the barn.
At midnight? At midnight! He'll be there.
I'll go and get ready. I'll see you
later Farple.
I got your note. You're wonderful
At the barn?
Thank-you.
Out of my way. I am Colonel Franz
Castine. Comrade, life-long friend
of The Inspector General.
We were friends for many, many
years. Announce me at once young lady.
- Yes Colonel.
- Oh...young man.
- Problem with the eyes are there Colonel?
- Yes, I was snow-blinded in the Alps with the
Italian campaign with His Majesty, The Emporer.
The Emporer! Long life to The
Emporer.
You idiot! You blithering idiot! Now
where are my glasses?
I am so blind without my glasses.
Now don't step on them.
- Oh, I am so sorry.
- You stupid fool!
- I'll have to go and get another pair.
- No, no now you just stay right there.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have the honor to
announce the unexpected arrival of Colonel
Franz Castine of The Emporer's Royal Guard.
Comrade in arms and life-long
friend of Your Excellency, The
Inspector General.
The Colonel is quite near-sighted and has
had the misfortune of breaking his glasses.
Imagine, he broke his glasses.
Oh no Colonel, you're kissing the
wrong man. This is The Inspector General.
Oh yes of course. How stupid of
me. The Inspector General is really
a much shorter man.
Leopold, this is indeed a joy, a joy.
I noticed that you shaved your moustache.
- It used to tickle, not me that is.
-It's all right, it's makes you look much younger.
- Your voice seems to sound more youthful
- I've had laryngitis.
This is the man, who single-
handed, routed an entire regiment
of the ltalians at the battle of Lavengretto.
And then he pushed their own cannon into
position and fired at the retreating enemy.
Do you remember that my boy?
And Austerlitz?
He just dove into a raging river and
rescued 4 wounded soldiers.
And then on the way, he cut down
10 Spaniards with his sabre.
Morale was very low, but with his
magnificent courage he plunged
into the fray and led his men with a song.
The victory song of the 94th
regiment. Onward, onward never
looking back.
- How does it go Leopold?
- He doesn't like to be reminded of
that tragic day.
- But he might be persuaded to sing
something a little lighter, gay.
- In a little while.
- Oh splendid, then I can get my glasses from
the inn. - Why don't you sing something
now and honor the Colonel?
Sing something before he gets his
glasses.
Could I borrow your drink for this
song?
AND NOW.....and now for my friend
and comrade in arms I
would like to do a gypsy drinking
song.
- My wine, he took my wine.
- There's plenty more.
- Why are you trembling for?
- The wine is deadly poison.
Is it? You did it? How very
thoughtful of you. Why I misjudged
you all these years.
No it was for me. For you? Yes, I
couldn't stand it any longer and I
even wrote a confession.
Whisky drew the whispering woods
on a wild Romany pony...
ride the gypsy.
The world thinks him tipsy and
careless and free....
But oh the poor gypsy....
his lot is not, what a heart should
be.
night and day and day and night
there's a man with a whip....
in his hand, over gypsy he stands
and this is what he says....
Crawl gypsy, sing gypsy, dance
gypsy, laugh gypsy.....
cry gypsy, live gypsy, die gypsy.
Drink!
Drink to good-byes and drink to
hellos.
Drink you alone with thine eyes and
I will drink with my nose.
And so he drinks!
But first we sing.
How can you sing gypsy song without gypsy
chorus? Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you a
little favor and we have a chorus.
It will sound beautiful, wonderful.
I will give you a little "b". All right?
Very nice, but we get a little
sharper, a little more nose.
Very nice, now short huh? I like it.
Once more please. Very pretty.
This group here, I will make for you
stock, stock. Please? Everybody
understand, stock, stock.
Very nice.
NO I DIDN'T MAKE IT YET!
Please, I didn't make it yet. Small
stock, stock. Very nice.
Loud. I'll be with you in two
minutes.
This little group here, I would like
you to make me a favor with all
your sweet gentle little faces.
Make for me ha, ha, ha. This way,
all right, please everybody.
Wonderful. Now everybody please
once again.
Very pretty. I love you to pieces.
Please
- Want something to drink, maybe?
- No thank-you Excellency.
And so we drink.
But first we play.
Pardon me, I slipped my bow. My
fingers need a reason.
I like it.
Makes me cry.
Who me?
And so we drink.
But first we dance.
Pardon me.
And so we drink to eveything we
love.
To everyone we admire.
To the girl who sets your heart a
glow, and sets your heart on fire.
And so we drink.
I like it.
Will you excuse me ladies, I have
something...
- I beg your pardon Your Excellency.
- I hope you are enjoying the
evening. Yes, I ah, very much.
Lisa?
Why you clumsy ox. What's the
matter with you, are you crazy?
You could have killed me with that.
Why do you have to work so late at
night, anyway? Whatever you
have to chop can wait til morning can't it?
Now go on to bed. I have to meet
someone here. Go on.
- Aren't you The Inspector General?
- Yeah. That doesn't mean I can't
meet anybody here, does it?
- No?
- You don't believe it do you?
-Read that!
- "Don't go near the barn."
- "They're going to kill you."
- Yeah, and only two hours ago she....
Would you read that again please.
It says, "Don't go near the barn,
they're going to kill you."
Yakov.....My best friend.
- Where's your master?
- My master?
-How did it?
- You know how.
Now gentlemen, let's get down to business.
For a price, I'll get rid of the evidence.
The money.
- I don't think I want any supper.
-Oh no.
- What are you doing Yakov?
Where are you going?
- Get away from me.
Georgi, I'm your best friend.
- Where are we going?
- To get the organ.
Make way for The Inspector
General.
Make way for The Inspector
General!
- What did he say?
- It must have been an eccho.
Attention! Announcing the
Emissary of The Emporer.
General Leopold Nikolai Tarantino, His
Excellency, The Inspector General.
He took bribes, he drank all my
wine, he yelled out the window , he
even made love to my wife.
How could I doubt that he was The
Inspector General. I mean, he gave us no
chance to think of deception Your Majesty.
- Isn't that right Gizzy? Izzy, he's Gizzy.
- You can always tell by the
strawberry mark on my leg.
Why it's as big as a....
- I'm Gizzy, he's Izzy.
- Silence! Excuse us Your Excellency.
Well Mayor, I want that tramp.
Send out every man available.
Meanwhile, I will write out an order
for his excecution.
He'll hang today Your Excellency, l
promise you that. Test the gallows.
- I'm Izzy, then he is....
- SILENCE!
Citizens, here is the organ. The
one that was stolen. We gave them
money and....
I'll see you in a minute. Here, take
the organ to the church and I'll be
back in a minute.
Come on men, I may need you.
Follow me.
Wait here. Ten hut! Oh, never
mind that.
I'm glad I found all of you
gentlemen together. This town is
going to be cleaned up from top to bottom.
- This is The Inspector General. - Yes,
Mr. Mayor, I would like you all to know
that the corruption in this city is at an end.
I want a complete and honest report
from you and a complete and
honest report of your tax records.
And a report from you in the
morning. Who is this man? Tell
him to get out, this is official business.
Mr. Mayor! In the name of The Emporer,
I call upon you to produce all the tax records
and books of this village immediately.
Permit me to interrupt. Let me
show you this communciation which
has just arrived.
- Silly girl. And now to business.
- You filthy bag of bones, this is The
Inspector General.
How do you do? We must have a
long talk together sometime. I want
to look at all these books...
Inspector General?
Open up the cell. Hurry man.
Guards.
Take them away. This is what I.
Two hangings at once.
You'll regret this you fat-faced
villiage idiot! Take your hands off
me you misbegotten peasants.
The Emporer will tear this stinking
village down over your ears.
Heads will roll here like marbles,
and yours first. And this flea-ridden
sack of nothing, you call Inspector General.
This isn't The Inspector General,
don't make me laugh.
The Great Emporer wouldn't
appoint such a thing like this, to a
position so important.
This is your Inspector General here!
His courage, his manner, his
bearing. Gentlemen take your choice.
- I don't know what to think. -You don't
have to think. If this man is The Inspector
General, then were are his credentials?
- Where are yours? Come on show
them, they have a right to see.
- Come on and show them.
Produce them. Here they are, see?
Your Excellency.
I would like to take this opportunity
to tender my resignation.
I'm so sorry Your Excellency. It was
our mistake. The imposter will hang!
- This is preposterious!
- If Your Excellency will be so good
to write out the death warrant.
- Arrest that man.
- I'm warning you, I'm warning all of
you. This will be reported to The Emporer.
Lock him up!
- I can't do it.
- Why not?
For one thing, I can't write. I can't
read either.
And even if I could write, I wouldn't
sign his death warrant.
- I'm not The Inspector General.
- He's just soft-hearted, here I'll sign it.
You can't it's all over. I couldn't sign
this. That man is completely innocent.
I only did it to get the money to buy
the organ back.
Lock them up, put them in chains,
send them to the gallows. Oh Your
Excellency, I'm so sorry.
Why this has never happened in
Brodny before. I can assure you
that they will go to the gallows, Your Excellency.
-The gallows will wait its turn, but
not now.
- But Your Excellency....
This man will not hang.
This is the first honest man I've met,
since I left Budapest.
- My chain of office Your Excellency.
- We'll put something else around
your neck.
- Thank-you Your Excellency.
- With band music? What did you
say? With band music?
With band music.
I couldn't take this Your Excellency.
I can't even read or write.
- I have no education.
- What you have is much better.
My medal and my sash.
Citizens of Brodny. I have the
honor to present to you, your new Mayor!
- He's in a council meeting and he
can't be disturbed.
- I demand that you let me through.
- I've ridden all night, 80 miles.
That's the orders.
Get out of my way.
Stop! I said STOP!
- I must see the Mayor.
- But the Mayor is in council meetings.
-Let go of me. You'll be sorry, I'm a
relavtive of the Mayor's.
- So am I, so is the whole council.
Where's the council room? Cousin Bryo.
- Stop making so much noise,
they're in a meeting.
- What is all this commotion?
Counsin Gregor, cousin Bryo.
- This is my cousin, the Mayor of Trebin.
- I'm sorry, this man he tried to...
- Come in here.
- Counsin Gregor.
- I've been riding all night. It's a disaster.
- Come and sit down. Fetch brandy and water.
-No water....
-Come on, tell what's happened. Speak up.
Like thunder, he appeared among us.
The postmaster was hanged, and the
chief of police was let off with 200 lashes.
I was sentenced to the firing squad.
Lucky for me, the rifles blew up and I escaped.
- I need a fresh horse. I must be off at once.
- A fresh horse for our cousin.
Sit down, sit down.
- I must go. Even now, he may be
here in your midst. - Who?
- Speak up man, who?
- The Inspector General.
Yes, he has full power from the Emporer himself.
And where ever he finds bribery and coruption,
that's where the gallows and firing squads go to work.
- More!
- What does he look like, this Inspector General?
Who knows? A man of mystery.
Five days he was in our midst and
no one even suspected it.
He went everywhere, saw
everything and uncovered such
coruption that even I was shocked.
- Now don't get excited.
- Don't get excited! How I envy
you, secure in your clean town and fear no one.
- The horse is ready, Uncle Byro.
I must be off.
- Oh Gregor, where will you go?
Far away anywhere, Africa, China...
Good-bye cousin Byro.
Farewell Uncle.
Good-bye cousin.
Do you need any money?
I have a few crowns.
Thank-you.
City Funds.
Farewell.
I would like to take this opportunity
to tend to my resignation.
SIT DOWN! What would you do?
Go back to rolling pills in that stink
shop of a chemist?
- I promised my wife.......
- I have to talk to my sister.....
STAY WHERE YOU ARE! Nothing
is to be gained by rushing around blindly.
We must proceed according to
system. You Lazlo, clean up the square.
You Toleki. Get the children back
into school. Start teaching them
something, anything.
You two deliver the mail, all of it,
whether you've read it or not.
- I never read the mail.
- Yes you did, don't you remember?
Kovak, come back here.
I want all roads policed day and night.
I want a report of everyone
who's entered this town in the past 24 hours.
Check the tavern. lnvestigate all
strangers. Bring your reports to me
personally, do you understand?
- es, but first I would like to.....
- First you will obey orders. Now
get out of here.
Thank-you.
Order double guards at the city
gates and patrol all roads to Brodny at once.
AT ONCE!
- Come with me.
- What goes with Uncle General?
I said come with me.
- Anything wrong.
- Quiet.
Quiet you.
I shall investigate here. You men
go on to the next town.
Countrymen approach. Step up,
step up. Come close for the
greatest experience of your life.
You will tell your children and
grandchildren about this.
First you will be entertained by the
greatest musicians in the country
right from the court of the Emporer.
Yakov's exlixsir, the best that can
be had. Yakov's elixsir is good for
what is bad.
Now my good people, step closer
so that you may see with your own eyes.
I Yakov Guli, positioned to Princes
and crown heads come among you to...
exhibit absolutely free of charge the
wonder of the world and parellel
since the dawn of time.
Are you ready my friends? The
Egyptian marvel, the treasure of the
Pharohs. Behold!
- tep right up people. Examine, observe.
- You there! Who are you? Let me
see your peddlar card.
Here you go Captain. Yakov Guli.
An honest professional man from Pribirk.
I have testimonials from the Emporer himself.
- Never mind.
- What about your friend there?
Who him?
Captain, don't run away, come
back. We welcome all investigations.
Look my friends. It lives, it breathes.
It laughs, it cries, it thinks.
Watch his left ear. How much is 2 + 2?
Correct! This is not just an old
head. This is Prince Ahmed of ancient Egypt.
Beheaded by the cruel Pharoh,
because of his forbidden love for
the crown Princess.
And now my friends you ask
yourselves, How has this miracle
survived for over 2000 years?
An excellent question. Only this.
Yakov's Golden Elixsir.
Look how his eyes plead with me to
give him a dose of my elixsir.
He really yearns for its richness.
I am a simple man my friends. I do
not make extravagant claims for my medicine.
If a person is already dead, for instance...
there is only a slim chance that my
medicine will do him any good.
But if only a spark of life remains....
Yakov's Golden Elixsir will fan it into
a roaring fire of health.
How can Yakov cheat those poor people
like that? Why what's the matter? Well
this is the furniture polish he sold yesterday?
Come on, hurry up. He's almost through.
- No, you don't wear this.
- Here is the testimonials from my
grateful customers.
Even from the great Napoleon
himself, written on the battlefield of Austerlitz.
He gives the elixsir full credit for the victory.
For years I've suffered terrible
digestive depress."
However since taking Yakov's
mircle elilxsir, I no longer find it
necessary to.....
continuously hold my hand on my
stomach."
Kindest personal regards:
Napoleon."
But why do I tell you these things
my friends when there is someone here....
a sufferer on whom I've looked with
compassion when he lay on death's door.
Unable to move a muscle.
Paralyzed!
Friend, are you aware that you are
losing your hair?
Do you need money? Have you
been on a diet?
Are you bothered by quiet?
Quiet.....QUIET!
Nice dancer that fellow.
Do you get colds, or prickly heat, a
burning brow, blazing feet, a
leaping pulse...
or Hic-cups? Do you get Hic-cup?
A touch of laryngitis, asthama, or
appendincitis, or hic-cups......
or hic......cups.
Or measles, a diagnosis of
phycosis...
Have you ever been short of breath?
Well, cheer up, cheer up, cheer up.
No matter how bad your condition.
I have news that will tickle your ears.
- I was dead.
- Dead?
Well, pretty sick.
Til I saw a famous physician, who
hadn't seen a patient in years.
He was near-sighted.
He said, hello young man, you are
possibly the plumber.
I'm a patient Dr. Hummer. Dr.
Hummer said, hhhhmmmmmm.
Dr. Hummer said hmmmmm, with a
C. Dr. Cinger. Dr. Cinger said
aaaaaahhh.
You have something with your nose
and something with your sneezes.
Tell me young man.
You've had some diseases? Have I had.....
When I was one I had a.....
When I was two I had a..
When I was three I had..
By the time I was four...
When I was six I had a....
At seven I developed...
When I was eight I got a....
By the time I was nine....
Doctor, why am I always so tired?
Doctor Cinger said
aaaaaaaaahhhhh.
And gave me the following
perscription.
Zalaminhalticnol, twice a day.
Since that day I haven't been sick
sir. And that medicine did the trick
sir. What was it, don't ask me.
I'll tell you.
Yakov's Golden Elixsir.
Come my friends. Who will be the
first to buy Yakov's Elixsir?
I have 12 pennies. My husband is
sick. Maybe if he had your
medicine, he'd get well.
Go away please. Will you take one here?
Sell it to her. Why, I did very well I
sold three. Ooooohhhh.
Here you go mother. What ever is
wrong with your husband, he is now cured.
All right ladies and gentlemen, here
it is. The most wonderful, the most
miraclous all cure. The Golden Elixsir.
- Mother, I'll give you your pennies,
give me back the medicine. - No!
- The medicine is no good.
- It's for my husband. He needs it, he's sick.
I know and this will fi nish him off.
Take the pennies and buy milk. It
will be better than the medicine.
Do you remember me? I'm the
fellow with all the diseases, but
there is nothing wrong with me.
The medicine is a fake, I'm a fake,
Yakov is a fake.
This is no good. I tell you mother, we are
cheating all the people, don't you see?
We wash windows with it, furniture polish.
All the people. Pardon me. All the
people back there.
Yakov!
Yakov...Yakov!
Georgi... Georgi!
You....
Look Yakov, a fish.
We can have supper now. Put it
near the flame.
- It's mine Yakov.
- It's mine now. Yeah, but I caught it.
I took it.
When you learn a little more about
taking and a little less about giving,
you can come back.
- I'm sorry about that poor old woman.
- Being sentimental is not good.
In this life it's dog eat dog. Bite and
scratch. Grab everything for
yourself and hold on like a leech.
- You can't even pick a pocket.
- Yes I can so do it.
I'm a good thief Yakov. Even better
than you, see?
- That's my watch.
- When did you get it? In the water.
Please Yakov don't send me off. I'll
do anything you want. I'll be hard as nails.
- I'll steal my own mother's teeth.
-I'll believe it when I see it, get out.
Oh all right, I'll go.
- Right after supper.
- You get out of here.
- Why you iliterate numbskull you.
- I'm not iliterate!
You're not huh? Read that.
- Read it?
- Read it!
- Who can read on am empty stomach?
- Read it and I'll give you supper.
It's say ah, ah.
Oh this is very interesting. Your
handwriting shows defi nite
character, it shows...
your generous and wouldn't refuse
a hungry man...
- Read it!
- It says, dear sir.
- It says, "To whom it may concern".
- That's right, I was testing you.
Best personal regards, Napoleon.
Here you are.
- Maybe I can't read or write, but I'm not iliterate.
- You're nothing just a mill stone, get
out of here.
- GET OUT!
-Good-bye Yakov.
To Whom It May Concern. What a
silly way to start a letter.
To Whom It May Concern. What a
silly way to start a letter.
The sailor loves the sea when the
wind blows fair.
The Arab loves the desert and the
sand which is there. The Farmer.
Sandwiches...
- Go get it.
- Oh, just the bottom of the barrel.
What do you want?
I thought you men wouldn't mind
sharing a little of your food with a....
- On your way you tramp. We
hardly got enough for ourselves.
- Go on, get on your way.
- Well you just gave a little piece to the dog.
- The dog does something for his food.
What'd I tell you. Go on. Go away.
- Oh he's moody.
- If I could just have a little piece.
Wait a minute. Otto, come here.
Roll over.
- Can you do that? Could I have a little piece?
- Can you do that?
Roll over? Let's
see you do that.
Hurry up. Lie down, lie down.
Wait a minute. I bet he can run
faster than you can.
No thanks Otto. You won it fair and
square.
A bargain is a bargain.
Any good?
Would you mind if I tasted a few?
I haven't had anything to eat in a
couple of days.
I appreciate this. Thank-you very much.
Don't put that heavy stuff on top of
the crystal. Where's the wagon?
- Now please go back.
- Stop thief! Go get him.
-Stop that thief. Is there somebody
over there that can stop that thief?
- I caught you, you thief!
Who me? You have the wrong
person. The horse followed me, I'm innocent.
Then you'll hang with a clear conscience.
Take him to jail. Take him away.
Hold it, hold it. I'm innocent. Stop!
Ask the horse, I'm innocent.
Gentlemen.
- To business. Gizzy or is it Izzy?
- I'm Izzy uncle.
- You can always tell by the strawberry mark.
- Never mind. The hospital, have
you cleaned it up?
We cleaned up the floor, put sheets
on the bed and got the goats out of surgery.
And I put charts on each of the
patients beds, indicating the nature
of their illness.
Good, at least now they'll know
what they die from. Kovach...
Well, I've patrolled all the roads
leading to and from Brodny.
So unless the Inspector General decides
to disguise himself like a bird and fly
into the city, he'll never get past me.
- Good. And the jail?
- I've had new locks fitted to all the
cells, burned all the rubbish.
- I even have a prisoner.
- Good, who is he?
Oh I don't know , just a tramp.
I apprehended him in the city square.
He was trying to make off with a
horse and wagon, the one we were
loading with silver.
- My silver? My valuables?
- Yes, but I got him before he.....
- Who is he? Where did he come from?
- Oh I don't know he's just......
a common tramp. Dressed in rags.
You idiot! Did you cite him,
question him?
It was so near lunch time and he
was just a common tramp.
The Inspector General? Well that's
ridiculous.
Why not a tramp? In Falsburg he
appeared as a travelling shoe salesman.
In Clamatti he was disguised as a
peddler. And here, why not a tramp?
My horse and wagon. The wagon I
loaded with valuables to ship out of town.
Of course, the evidence he needed.
Now he knows.
-I would like to take this opportunity
to tender my resignation.
- To the jail.
Who's there?
- Want some water? Water?
- I want some food.
- I'm sorry. The prisoners are fed
promptly at 3 o'clock.
- I guess I can hold out til then.
- Wednesday and Saturday.
- But today is Thursday.
- What is time?
- Look I haven't eaten in two days.
What kind of jail is this where they
won't even give a man a crust of
bread. All I want is a little piece of food there.
This is a nice jail. Really it is.
We've had some nice hangings here.
- What's nice about the hanging?
- Oh, you should see the ceremony.
- And the last meal.
- The last meal?
- Can you order anything you like?
- Anything! The town of Brodny
may have its faults, but they certainly
do it right when they hang a man.
The Mayor and all the commissionaires
come dressed in their finest clothes.
And the town band assemblies at
the door of the jail.
Such beautiful music. And they
play the prisoner right up to the gallows.
- I'll never forget one hanging we
had a few years ago. - What's that?
- What's what?
- What's that music?
-What were you arrested for?
- Nothing, I'm innocent.
It the commissionaires and
everybody and they brought the band.
Who are they going to hang?
- There's only one prisoner here.
- Well, if he doesn't fi nish his last meal...
HELP! HELP! HELP!
You let me out of the jail, you hear,
or I'll go right to the Emporer.
Help! What a fine crooked village this
much be. The thieves you must have here.
Let me out! Help! Help!
- A common tramp eh?
- Why was I put in this jail? Help!
- Open the gate.
- No trial, no justice.
I will report this to the Emporer.
This is a crooked village, this is.
Don't any of you come near me. If
any of you come near me. I
demand to be released.
If you have been put to any
inconvience, I assure you that my
colleagues and myself are deeply destressed.
This is just a small community. Not
rich or powerful.
Be it citizens or travellers, be they
humbled or clothed to the highest
degree of nobility....
be they vagrants or inspector
generals appointed by the Emporer...
in our village they find courtsey, honor and
strict adherence to the principals of justice.
Command us you Excellency and
we will obey.
Believe me your Highness,
I nderstand and value your desire to
remain incognito.
Permit me to compliment you on
your amazing disguise. It's most convincing.
In a corrupt city, with dishonest officials,
such a strategy would be most effective.
But here in our fair village of
Brodny, we beg you to accept our hospitalilty.
Why don't we discuss the entire
situation at dinner.
Go to my house and tell my wife we
have an honored guest. To her to
make a feast, a banquet.
Your Excellency, how can we talk in
these sordid sourroundings? At my
home, dinner will be just about ready.
A roast, a turkey, several kinds of
game, a rack of lamb and a
magnificent pot-roast.
You will probably want a change of
clothes. Quick, some suitable
clothing for His Excellency.
- Where will I get the clothing?
- Your uniform, take it off. Now?
Your Excellency. Our chief of police
regrets his mistake.
He will be delighted for you to wear
his uniform until your luggage arrives.
-He's tall, I know he is. Is he going
to stay long? - I hope not.
- What's taking you so long, hurry.
- But I can't get it, it's too tight.
I wonder if the Inspector General will think
it's too tight? Tell me did you notice the
color of his eyes? Are they blue?
What are you staring at stupid?
Get busy and set the table.
And you two. When you serve, see
that your hands are clean. You
Bela, you remove the dishes when I ring.
Lateues, you bring on the fresh
course and move quickly and see
that you don't spill anything on our guests.
- Did you hear me?
- What did I say? I take a bowl of fruits.
- When?
- When you ring the bell.
Lisa you serve the wine and do
anything else to make yourself
useful. Come Burbus.
Put on a clean apron. Did he say
anything about Paris? Budapest? Vienna?
That dress was too tight. So tight, it
made her eyes pop out.
This is my humble home, Your
Excellency. It isn't large, I've only a
small pittance of a salary.
Maria, my jewel. Maria.
You're Excellency, this is my wife, Maria.
His Excellency, The Inspector General.
- Oh Your Excellency, this is such a pleasure.
- Let me take you hat and sword.
Your Excellency, this is my wife Catherine.
Laslo...
We must get rid of him. I'll give him
plenty of brandy, anything to stop
the inspection. You get the glasses.
A toast Your Excellency. Something
to prepare the pallate.
- I'll see about the dinner.
- Dinner?
Your Excellency, this way.
A toast to His Excellency. Love live
His Excellency.
Laslo, get the wine, the brandy, quickly.
Quickly. More brandy Bela.
Now Your Excellency, how
charming it is.... May I present
Mrs. Burbus Your Excellency.
She's the wife of our tax collector
and chemist.
Here we are. Your Excellency, a
little more wine. And a toast to His
Majesty, The Emporer.
Long live The Emporer.
This is Izzy and his twin brother
Gizzy. They're in charge of our
postal department.
- The Inspector General Izzy.
- I'm not Izzy, he is.
- It's very easy to tell by the strawberry mark.
- No, no, no, some other time. One
more aperitif just before dinner.
- Dinner is served.
-One last drink Your Excellency.
Here's to the righteous.
Here's to the evil-doer.
I suppose after Paris and Budapest,
your returning here must be very
distasteful?
What do you think of Switzerland? I
have relatives there. The
Berghoffs. Did you ever run across them?
Your uniform is just beautiful One
husband has one just like it.
I hope you're not disappointed in
the simple fair we serve here.
Ladies and gentlemen! I would like
to propose a toast.
To the fairest city in all the land. To
the home of courage, integrity and honesty.
To Brodny.
Even if I'd had time to prepare the
proper kind of dinner, I don't suppose....
Your Excellency would have found it
comparable to the table they set at
The Emporer's Palace.
I do wish my husband had given me
a little more time.
Maria! His Excellency's glass is empty.
Lisa more wine. Quickly, quickly.
After you've eaten, perhaps you'll
tell me about your life in Vienna?
- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to.
- That's all right, it was just an accident.
Why you clumsy druge.
Oh it was nothing, just merely an
accident. I always spill wine all
over my suit.
She didn't mean it. It was just an
accident. Water is very good for wool.
Just that she didn't mean it, it was
just an accident.
She really didn't....
Latus, bring on the meat course.
Bela the meat courses.
- Bring on the meat courses, quickly.
- Pardon me.
Is it true about the women in Paris?
- Is there something wrong Your Excellency?
- Oh try this. I always carry it with
me, it'll cure anything.
Good-morning Your Excellency.
I thought you would like a glass of
milk before breakfast.
- How did I get here?
- We carried you up after dinner,
Your Excellency.
We undressed you and you were in
a very playful mood, Your Excellency.
-What a naughty Inspector General.
- What!?
Maria. All right, all right. Good-
morning Your Excellency.
- May I express the hope that you
spent a comfortable night.
- What time is it?
It's just past nine. But you've ample
time for a substantial breakfast,
Our program is 11 a.m., reception at
the Town Hall, and an inspection of
the Guard of Honor and a town concert.
At 11:30 a parade to the jail and 12:
15 a public hanging.
- Hanging?
- Followed by lunch.
- This hanging? It isn't anyone I
know, is it?
- It's just some rascle the police arrested.
- He was impersonating a police office.
- Impersonating?
- He made off with a sack of apples
from the local fruit merchant.
- Hanging is much too good for him.
I realize that His Excellency wants
to continue his journey as soon as possible.
Yes, I must go immediately. No
receptions.
- Your Excellency I'm broken hearted.
- I was looking forward to you
inspecting our little village. It's a
wonderful village. Finest village I've
- Would you be kind enough to say
so in your offical report?
- Yes of course, but I must get dressed.
Of course. Assemble the villagers
and band to speed His Excellency
on his way.
- Where are my clothes?
- Kovach! The uniform.
- Well it's badly stained, I was
having it cleaned.
- Well then a fresh uniform for His Excellency.
- Where will I get one for His Excellency?
- Yours will do.
- This is brand new, this wouldn't fit
His Excellency.
- Izzy, Gizzy, take care of this.
They are tailors Your Excellency.
They will retify that. A new uniform
for His Excellency in a half an hour.
Even in the short time you've been
here, you've captured the hearts of
our people. A pity you have to leave.
-I thought I might be coming back
again soon.
- Don't change your plans on our account.
Quick, His Excellency's horse.
The Inspector General's horse.
- I'll send the horse back as soon as possible.
- No, no keep it. Help His
Excellency to mount.
Oh Your Excellency, great star of
wisdom.
Exhaulted one, do not be angry with
your devoted servants. I've hunted
for you everywhere.
Forgive me great master. Forgive
me. Show mercy on your unworthy servant.
- Forgive me you numbskull, or I'll
break you in half.
- It's all right Yakov.
I am the lowly servant of His Great Lord,
The Inspector General. Due to my
negligence, we were separated on the road.
- I was just leaving.
- I must speak to you first master.
The Emporer has sent you
confidential instructions. A secret message.
- But he was just leaving.
- The Inspector General will decide
that for himself.
What are you doing? Yakov, I'll
never be able to get out.
- Yakov why did you stop me? I had a
chance to get away and now they may
hang me. - Be quiet you idiot.
Why should they hang The
Inspector General. They lay the
whole town at your feet.
- I've got everything I want.
- You've got everything you want?
What have you got?
I didn't let anything slip through my
fingers. What have you got? See!
Three spoons? And these fat
thieves are loaded with gold.
But you don't understand. We can
sell the spoons, buy a new wagon
and leave this town.
Go on run away. I was right in the
first place. You haven't got an
honest bone in your body.
Wait a minute Yakov. A few days
ago you kicked me out because you
said I wasn't a good thief.
I kicked you out? I do everything
for you and this is the thanks I get?
For once in your miserable life you
have a chance to do something really good.
What happens? You want to run
like a rabbit.
Never a thought to the people in the
village. Nothing but selfishness.
I crawled through every corner of
this village. Georgi, what misery
exists here.
The Mayor has taxed the very life
out of this town. And not content
with that, they steal.
35,000 crowns they collected from
the little children and their parents
to buy a pipe organ from the church.
And they trump up a cock and bull
story that the organ was destroyed
and that they sold it in another town.
By tonight we can make them pay
35,000 crowns for protection.
Then I buy back the organ, you
present it to the town and we
expose these rascals.
- May I become a wandering gypsy
if I'm not telling the truth.
- But you are a wandering gypsy.
That proves I'm telling the truth. Now to work
Georgi. The most important thing that you make
them understand is that you know how crooked you are.
- They'll shower you with gold.
- 35,000 crowsn Yakov, do you think
they'll give it to me just like that?
They will give you more. It never
fails. They will give you more
because you are The Inspector General.
- I don't know how to be an Inspector General.
- That's very simple, you have to
behave like one.
- But how?
- Oh how, why what. Don't bother
me with silly technicalities.
You're The Inspector General. Be
big, strong, fair.
Gentlemen, I have good news for
you. The Inspector General has
decided to remain indefinitely.
He demands an inspection of the
financial affairs of Brodny and he
will meet with you at the town hall at 2 o'clock.
Big big, be strong, be firm says
Yakov. But if it doesn't work, whose
neck will they jerk?
Whose block will they knock off.
Not Yakov.
Be an Inspector General.
What does an Inspector General
do? lnspect Generals?
An Inspector General generally
inspects that is.....
they expect them to inspect
generally. If they're expecting a
General Inspector.
But an exceptionally generous Inspector General
who made an exception and had no inspection
would cause suspision and in my
condition I couldn't accept. Thank
However If people aren't suspecting now
accept without detecting an imposter who's
not posted as a pedigree inspector.
Could this pabable imposter say a
gypsy or acoster could possibly get
past them by his posture?
In two words-unlikely.
So it is not a question to fl ee or not
to flee, but to be or not to be.
And if so, how?
Should I be arrogant? Should I be
elegant? Should I be smart?
A rolling Russian Czar, or very
British impar
Or like the KGV in Nice who already
eats the cheese while he says "No
thank-you please".
Very smart.
I must examine every side of me.
The long, the narrow , the wide of me.
The Dr. Jekyll and Hide of me.
If I value my anatomy, the skinny
and the pal of me, how shall I start
to play the part?
Should I be arrogant?
Up off your knees. Stop licking my boots.
Elegant?
Sugar?
A lump more.
-Lemon?
- Cream?
- A dribble.
- Tea?
- Never touch it.
Or smart?
If they don't know what they should
know, they don't know what you know.
Arrogant, elegant, smart.
If you say so.
And it's not so! So what?!
If you talk to them pa-pa-pa, you
only waste your breathe.
Laught at them they're all you
probably need.
Talk and you show your ignorance,
laugh and you show your teeth.
Gentlemen, if you would just step aside
for one moment, I should be very happy
to talk to this unfortunate wretch.
The course of action you should act
on that'd actually planned is a
smasher. A lot of thought I put in it.
If you casually cover up your mouth
with your hand,
You will never put your foot in it.
Really gentlemen, please.
Sneak a sniff in of snuff.
And so have you no more disease.
Just stand around and wait for them
to sneeze.
And you'll see which way will blow
the breeze.
Pay no attention to what he tells.
Do it my way.
Stooooop! Please stop!
You're confusing me, please stop,
please stop.
Please say no more.
You're so pleased with yourselves.
You don't care about me.
This isn't true.
If we didn't care, would we talk this way?
Things are not as bad as they look.
No sir, they are much worse.
And remember an ear in the eye is
worth two in the bush.
Then how do I play my roll.
With you I agree with me, you need
no longer linger.
I'll give them the fist.
Give them the wrist.
Give them the finger.
To the Town Hall.
You'll find everything in order, Your
Excellency.
- Just a moment! What was that?
-What was what?
I thought I saw something.
How do you account for this?
- There were no taxes that day, Your Excellency.
- If you put your official signature to
the books, Your Excellency.
- What is this?
- It's the very best we have Your
Excellency. We're not a very rich community.
I think I'd better not sign this, until I've...
- Until you've examined the books
more closely at the house Your Excellency.
- Yes and excellent idea.
We shall see, what we shall see.
And all I saw was this gypsy show.
The fat gypsy was selling this stuf
and his partner....
had his head on a plate.
- Who is that man?
- That His Excellency, The Inspector General.
Military Training Quarters.
Dear Yakov.
I can not stay any longer.
Love Georgi.
This is the kitchen isn't it? Well
you go right ahead, I'm just inspecting.
Fine, just fine.
- Now tell me, is there another way out?
- Out?!
- Out out.
- Oh you're not leaving Your Excellency.
I can't stay another minute. There's
another town I have to inspect.
- People are waiting. How do I get out.
- I can't believe it.
- Can't believe what? You can't
believe I have another town to inspect.
- Of course I do Your Highness.
Please don't be angry with me. I
wasn't angry. You were so kind to
me last night. I thought you would stay.
And it gave me new hope. Why the
whole village is looking to you for help.
- Yes, well I thought perhaps on my way back.
- Oh Your Excellency such
plundering and misery.
It's terrible. But you should see this
other town. They need me very badly.
- People are waiting and receptions.
- I see.
I really mustn't disappoint them.
Well, I'd better be going.
-I'm sorry you won't be more friendly.
- Friendly? Why should I be friendly?
I don't care if I hang for what I say I
think. You're as bad as the rest of them.
Worse, because you have the
power to do good and you run away.
I'll stay. I can get the organ back. lt
didn't burn, I know where it is.
- Then you do care about the people.
- Of course I do.
- The whole town will be so happy.
-I want you to be happy Lizzy.
I don't count Your Excellency. I'm
just a kitchenmaid and I'll always be one.
But that's no way to look at life.
Things can change over night.
After all I wasn't born an Inspector
General.
It just happened. Come on smile.
Reach for the moon and look for the
golden rainbow.
You will find happy times.
You'll hear a tune, that lives in the
heart of a bluebird.
And you'll find happy times.
Thought things look very dark, your
dream is not in vain.
For when do you fi nd a rainbow?
Only after rain.
So wish on the moon, and
someday, it may be tomorrow..
You will suddenly hear chimes
And you'll find your happy, happy times.
Latus, Bela, see to the carriage.
Where is everybody? Oh Your Excellency.
Just look what I found in the Brodny
library. It's the new almanac of The
Emporer's official staff.
- Emporer's official staff?
- Both histories of their families and
portraits of their celebrated families.
The portraits are very bad, very
bad. You wouldn't recognize the one of me.
-And it's terrible.
-I thought women were only vain
about their portraits.
Now I've got to see how bad they've
made you look. You know you've
never even told me your name.
Doesn't matter. I'll soon recognize
you and find out all about you and
your beautiful wife and lovely children.
I have no wife. None of my familiy
had wives. My father didn't like wives.
I mean my mother didn't like my
father's wife. May I have this book?
This looks a lot like you, but older of
course. A relative of yours?
- This is my father. Your father?
- Madame Knabe?
Married with Peter Knabe, 46 years
old and mother of 12 boys.
That was a disguise. My father was
a spy in the war.
He always used to disguise himself
as my mother.
- I was 19 before I could tell them apart.
- Knabe, is that your family name?
- Yes, Farple Knabe.
- Farple, what an unusual name.
Sounds like a morning breeze,
rustling through the leaves of the willows.
What does it mean?
Some kind of soup, I think.
-Where were you born?
- Well let me have the book and I'll
tell you all about it.
- Some night when we're alone,
perhaps tonight.
- I want to hear everything Farple.
You don't know how I yearn to live.
What it means to be married to a
man who doesn't understand.
He's a peasant, a course,
uncultured, a pig.
I was forced to marry him. I'm an
attractive woman, am I not?
I'm still in the first bloom of my
youth, am I not?
Could a man wish for a more lovely,
intelligent, responsive woman than I am?
- No!
- Oh Farple, you say the most beautiful things.
I really must be going.
- You will help me Farple, won't you?
- Promise! I promise.
When we get to Paris, I won't be a
burden for you. I swear.
- Forgive me. May I have a word
with Your Excellency?
- What do you want?
I throw myself on your mercy.
Please Your Excellency, for the
sake of my family.
-What is it? What have you done?
- The tax records, it wasn't my idea
to falsify them.
It was the Mayor, my own uncle and Toleki.
I admit I take bribes, but what kind
of bribes? Puppy dogs, just puppy dogs.
- I like puppy dogs.
-You can have them. Oh forgive me.
All 60 of them. And here's a little
gift just to show you how much....
- Who is it?
- It is I, Toleki, superintendant of the school.
- He mustn't find me here.
- Oh he's just a member of the council.
Come in.
Your Excellency, may I have a
moment of your time. I have
something that may interest you, look.
I have the best interest without a
stain on my heart, or I would never
tell you this.
- Come to the point Tacky.
- Toleki.
Sometimes a man must decide between duty
and friends and I feel it is my duty to advise
you of the corruption in the city of Brodny.
This isn't much, but if you will just
accept it as a loan.
May I see you a moment Your
Excellency. It's Gizzy the postmaster.
Gizzy! He may not find me here.
Come in.
I'm a poor man Your Excellency.
Please accept this, this is all I have.
The temptation was too strong. The
others stole more than I did.
- Who is that?
- Come with me, you have to hide.
Get in the closet here.
- Come in.
- Oh Inspector General. Yes?
I must speak to you. My uniform
looks very nice on you.
- I'm having one made in black, with
silver across here.
- What is it Kovach?
- I may as well make a clean breast of it.
- Won't you sit down?
You see it wasn't for me. It was for
my wife. My wife is not a contented woman.
She wants clothing and money and jewels.
I'd give my 6 kids to get rid of my wife.
- There's only 1 000 crowns here.
- A 1 000 crowns?
- If you just give me a chance to sell the jewels.
- Won't you sit down?
In the bed!
Come in.
- Your Excellency.
- I thought I just put you in the closet?
Come in.
- I didn't know you were resting Your Excellency.
- I always rest, the doctor said it's
good for my liver.
- Maybe I'd better come back?
- No, it's all right. What do you want?
- I just wanted to make a confession.
- I'll take it. Thank-you.
I'm as guilty as the rest of the
others. Oh, I mustn't be found here,
where do I hide? On the bed! No!
On top of the bed.
Come in.
- You don't have to put on any act for me.
- Has the message come yet from
The Emporer?
-Go downstairs and see if my
luggage has arrived.
- What's the matter with you?
What's the weather outside like?
There's a lot of men hiding in there.
The councilmen came with a lot of bribes.
Bribes? Money?
Where is it?
Why? Come in.
Your Excellency, may I speak with
you for a moment? Privately.
- They all brougth him money.
- Gentlemen, I'm going to ask you
to leave the room.
Oh Mayor and you too Chief of
Police. His Highness can not
tolerate dishonesty.
-Then why did he accept the bribes?
- His Excellency has many private charities.
I can assure you that not a penny of
that money will ever find its way into
the pockets of The Inspector General.
What do you want us to do?
It's possible that a few contributions
from you might....
-How much?
- Shall we say 100,000 crowns?
- 100,000 crowns!
- I'll be a pauper. Well keep your money.
You can jingle it in your pockets all
the way up the steps of the gallows.
- He wouldn't do anything like that.
- He would, and he has.
But he might be inclined to show
lieniency if he can realize the
charitable dream of his life.
A much needed addition of the
Catherdral he built in Vienna.
A new church organ. A fire-proof organ.
- Fire-proof!
- He knows. He knows.
- We can get rid of him without
leaving a trace and none of us will
be involved. - Who will do it?
Vetalo, the woodchopper. You do
as I tell him, he has to.
I can get him tonight, during the
reception and confusion and noise.
- But if something goes wrong.
- Nothing will go wrong. Are you sure?
After midnight, as soon as everybody has
had plenty to drink, we'll get him into the
barn where Vetalo the woodchopper is waiting.
He will dispose of the body.
- What are you doing?
- What, you think I want to steal it?
I want to count it.
- I already counted it. You can't count.
- Well, it's very heavy so there must
be enough here to buy back the organ.
- Right, you give it to me and I'll go
get the organ.
- Oh no, not without me!
- You can't leave here. They need
you for the reception.
- Well then we'll go after the reception.
There's an old Hungarian proverb:
Trust everybody but keep the organ
money in sight.
Come in.
- What is that?
- It's just a letter.
- What kind of letter?
- Well a love letter I suppose.
No Yakov, it's private.
Yakov you might tear it.
Well?
Would you read it for me Yakov?
- Oh Georgi, you are such a lucky guy.
- What is it?
- That a beautiful girl like that would
fall in love with you.
- Read it to me Yakov.
My dearest darling Inspector
General. From the moment I fi rst
saw you, I knew you were the one.
At night I dream of your manly figure,
and your handsome gentle features
drive me mad with passionate love.
The sound of your voice thrills me
beyond words, and if I can not have
you for my very own, I will surely die.
-Is there any more? Does she say anything else?
- Yes, P.S., please meet me in the
barn at midnight.
Please meet me in the barn at midnight...
Yakov, what does P.S. mean?
- Please Sweetheart.
- Please sweetheart meet me in the
barn at midnight.
- I have the carriage waiting Farple.
- The carriage?
My things are all packed. I'll meet
you at the stable after the dance.
Cousin Byro....
I have the money. Has he sent in his report?
Then I'll deliver them to him tonight.
We can't settle the matter in here.
Where would you suggest?
Outside, in the barn.
At midnight? At midnight! He'll be there.
I'll go and get ready. I'll see you
later Farple.
I got your note. You're wonderful
At the barn?
Thank-you.
Out of my way. I am Colonel Franz
Castine. Comrade, life-long friend
of The Inspector General.
We were friends for many, many
years. Announce me at once young lady.
- Yes Colonel.
- Oh...young man.
- Problem with the eyes are there Colonel?
- Yes, I was snow-blinded in the Alps with the
Italian campaign with His Majesty, The Emporer.
The Emporer! Long life to The
Emporer.
You idiot! You blithering idiot! Now
where are my glasses?
I am so blind without my glasses.
Now don't step on them.
- Oh, I am so sorry.
- You stupid fool!
- I'll have to go and get another pair.
- No, no now you just stay right there.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have the honor to
announce the unexpected arrival of Colonel
Franz Castine of The Emporer's Royal Guard.
Comrade in arms and life-long
friend of Your Excellency, The
Inspector General.
The Colonel is quite near-sighted and has
had the misfortune of breaking his glasses.
Imagine, he broke his glasses.
Oh no Colonel, you're kissing the
wrong man. This is The Inspector General.
Oh yes of course. How stupid of
me. The Inspector General is really
a much shorter man.
Leopold, this is indeed a joy, a joy.
I noticed that you shaved your moustache.
- It used to tickle, not me that is.
-It's all right, it's makes you look much younger.
- Your voice seems to sound more youthful
- I've had laryngitis.
This is the man, who single-
handed, routed an entire regiment
of the ltalians at the battle of Lavengretto.
And then he pushed their own cannon into
position and fired at the retreating enemy.
Do you remember that my boy?
And Austerlitz?
He just dove into a raging river and
rescued 4 wounded soldiers.
And then on the way, he cut down
10 Spaniards with his sabre.
Morale was very low, but with his
magnificent courage he plunged
into the fray and led his men with a song.
The victory song of the 94th
regiment. Onward, onward never
looking back.
- How does it go Leopold?
- He doesn't like to be reminded of
that tragic day.
- But he might be persuaded to sing
something a little lighter, gay.
- In a little while.
- Oh splendid, then I can get my glasses from
the inn. - Why don't you sing something
now and honor the Colonel?
Sing something before he gets his
glasses.
Could I borrow your drink for this
song?
AND NOW.....and now for my friend
and comrade in arms I
would like to do a gypsy drinking
song.
- My wine, he took my wine.
- There's plenty more.
- Why are you trembling for?
- The wine is deadly poison.
Is it? You did it? How very
thoughtful of you. Why I misjudged
you all these years.
No it was for me. For you? Yes, I
couldn't stand it any longer and I
even wrote a confession.
Whisky drew the whispering woods
on a wild Romany pony...
ride the gypsy.
The world thinks him tipsy and
careless and free....
But oh the poor gypsy....
his lot is not, what a heart should
be.
night and day and day and night
there's a man with a whip....
in his hand, over gypsy he stands
and this is what he says....
Crawl gypsy, sing gypsy, dance
gypsy, laugh gypsy.....
cry gypsy, live gypsy, die gypsy.
Drink!
Drink to good-byes and drink to
hellos.
Drink you alone with thine eyes and
I will drink with my nose.
And so he drinks!
But first we sing.
How can you sing gypsy song without gypsy
chorus? Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you a
little favor and we have a chorus.
It will sound beautiful, wonderful.
I will give you a little "b". All right?
Very nice, but we get a little
sharper, a little more nose.
Very nice, now short huh? I like it.
Once more please. Very pretty.
This group here, I will make for you
stock, stock. Please? Everybody
understand, stock, stock.
Very nice.
NO I DIDN'T MAKE IT YET!
Please, I didn't make it yet. Small
stock, stock. Very nice.
Loud. I'll be with you in two
minutes.
This little group here, I would like
you to make me a favor with all
your sweet gentle little faces.
Make for me ha, ha, ha. This way,
all right, please everybody.
Wonderful. Now everybody please
once again.
Very pretty. I love you to pieces.
Please
- Want something to drink, maybe?
- No thank-you Excellency.
And so we drink.
But first we play.
Pardon me, I slipped my bow. My
fingers need a reason.
I like it.
Makes me cry.
Who me?
And so we drink.
But first we dance.
Pardon me.
And so we drink to eveything we
love.
To everyone we admire.
To the girl who sets your heart a
glow, and sets your heart on fire.
And so we drink.
I like it.
Will you excuse me ladies, I have
something...
- I beg your pardon Your Excellency.
- I hope you are enjoying the
evening. Yes, I ah, very much.
Lisa?
Why you clumsy ox. What's the
matter with you, are you crazy?
You could have killed me with that.
Why do you have to work so late at
night, anyway? Whatever you
have to chop can wait til morning can't it?
Now go on to bed. I have to meet
someone here. Go on.
- Aren't you The Inspector General?
- Yeah. That doesn't mean I can't
meet anybody here, does it?
- No?
- You don't believe it do you?
-Read that!
- "Don't go near the barn."
- "They're going to kill you."
- Yeah, and only two hours ago she....
Would you read that again please.
It says, "Don't go near the barn,
they're going to kill you."
Yakov.....My best friend.
- Where's your master?
- My master?
-How did it?
- You know how.
Now gentlemen, let's get down to business.
For a price, I'll get rid of the evidence.
The money.
- I don't think I want any supper.
-Oh no.
- What are you doing Yakov?
Where are you going?
- Get away from me.
Georgi, I'm your best friend.
- Where are we going?
- To get the organ.
Make way for The Inspector
General.
Make way for The Inspector
General!
- What did he say?
- It must have been an eccho.
Attention! Announcing the
Emissary of The Emporer.
General Leopold Nikolai Tarantino, His
Excellency, The Inspector General.
He took bribes, he drank all my
wine, he yelled out the window , he
even made love to my wife.
How could I doubt that he was The
Inspector General. I mean, he gave us no
chance to think of deception Your Majesty.
- Isn't that right Gizzy? Izzy, he's Gizzy.
- You can always tell by the
strawberry mark on my leg.
Why it's as big as a....
- I'm Gizzy, he's Izzy.
- Silence! Excuse us Your Excellency.
Well Mayor, I want that tramp.
Send out every man available.
Meanwhile, I will write out an order
for his excecution.
He'll hang today Your Excellency, l
promise you that. Test the gallows.
- I'm Izzy, then he is....
- SILENCE!
Citizens, here is the organ. The
one that was stolen. We gave them
money and....
I'll see you in a minute. Here, take
the organ to the church and I'll be
back in a minute.
Come on men, I may need you.
Follow me.
Wait here. Ten hut! Oh, never
mind that.
I'm glad I found all of you
gentlemen together. This town is
going to be cleaned up from top to bottom.
- This is The Inspector General. - Yes,
Mr. Mayor, I would like you all to know
that the corruption in this city is at an end.
I want a complete and honest report
from you and a complete and
honest report of your tax records.
And a report from you in the
morning. Who is this man? Tell
him to get out, this is official business.
Mr. Mayor! In the name of The Emporer,
I call upon you to produce all the tax records
and books of this village immediately.
Permit me to interrupt. Let me
show you this communciation which
has just arrived.
- Silly girl. And now to business.
- You filthy bag of bones, this is The
Inspector General.
How do you do? We must have a
long talk together sometime. I want
to look at all these books...
Inspector General?
Open up the cell. Hurry man.
Guards.
Take them away. This is what I.
Two hangings at once.
You'll regret this you fat-faced
villiage idiot! Take your hands off
me you misbegotten peasants.
The Emporer will tear this stinking
village down over your ears.
Heads will roll here like marbles,
and yours first. And this flea-ridden
sack of nothing, you call Inspector General.
This isn't The Inspector General,
don't make me laugh.
The Great Emporer wouldn't
appoint such a thing like this, to a
position so important.
This is your Inspector General here!
His courage, his manner, his
bearing. Gentlemen take your choice.
- I don't know what to think. -You don't
have to think. If this man is The Inspector
General, then were are his credentials?
- Where are yours? Come on show
them, they have a right to see.
- Come on and show them.
Produce them. Here they are, see?
Your Excellency.
I would like to take this opportunity
to tender my resignation.
I'm so sorry Your Excellency. It was
our mistake. The imposter will hang!
- This is preposterious!
- If Your Excellency will be so good
to write out the death warrant.
- Arrest that man.
- I'm warning you, I'm warning all of
you. This will be reported to The Emporer.
Lock him up!
- I can't do it.
- Why not?
For one thing, I can't write. I can't
read either.
And even if I could write, I wouldn't
sign his death warrant.
- I'm not The Inspector General.
- He's just soft-hearted, here I'll sign it.
You can't it's all over. I couldn't sign
this. That man is completely innocent.
I only did it to get the money to buy
the organ back.
Lock them up, put them in chains,
send them to the gallows. Oh Your
Excellency, I'm so sorry.
Why this has never happened in
Brodny before. I can assure you
that they will go to the gallows, Your Excellency.
-The gallows will wait its turn, but
not now.
- But Your Excellency....
This man will not hang.
This is the first honest man I've met,
since I left Budapest.
- My chain of office Your Excellency.
- We'll put something else around
your neck.
- Thank-you Your Excellency.
- With band music? What did you
say? With band music?
With band music.
I couldn't take this Your Excellency.
I can't even read or write.
- I have no education.
- What you have is much better.
My medal and my sash.
Citizens of Brodny. I have the
honor to present to you, your new Mayor!