The Lady Eve (1941) Movie Script
Once a day is plenty.
Just a couple of flies, a sip of milk
and perhaps a pigeon's egg on Sundays.
I certainly will, Professor.
Keep her warm as you get farther north,
and let her out of her box to play.
I certainly will, Professor.
Tell Dr. Marzditz I have named
her Columbrina Marzditzia.
And this is only the beginning of
what I am bringing out when I come out.
I'll do that,
and I want to tell you...
I want to tell you how much I've enjoyed
being on this expedition with you.
If I had my way, this is the way
I'd like to spend all my time,
in the company of men like yourselves
in the pursuit of knowledge.
So long, Lulu.
I'll send you a postcard.
Good-bye, Charlie. If you get a chance
to come back, this is where we'll be.
Give my affectionate
salutations to your father.
Thank him for making the Pike expedition
possible and, I hope, a success.
- I will, Professor.
- Good-bye, my boy.
- Good-bye, Muggsy.
- So long. Don't take no wooden money.
- Good-bye, Sparky.
- Good-bye, Charlie.
- Bye, Mac.
- Good-bye, Charlie.
- Bye, boys.
- So long, "Sarlie. "
- So long, gang.
- So long, Muggsy.
Be careful of the traffic.
You haven't dodged any in a long time.
And be careful of the dames. You've
not dodged them for a long time either.
- You know me, Mac, nothing but reptiles.
- That's right, my boy.
Good-bye.
There he is!
You'd think he'd have a
bigger yacht than that if he's so rich.
- That isn't a yacht. That's a tender.
- What's a tender?
- I said Pabst.
- It was Pike.
- So what?
- Go put on your shorts.
- You can try.
- Mom, it makes me puke.
- Puke?
- No, Pike!
Go put on your peekaboo.
- Get down there and make it fast.
- Aye, aye, sir.
Gee, I hope he's rich.
I hope he thinks he's a wizard at cards.
From your lips to the ear
of the Almighty.
I hope he's got a fat wife so I don't
have to dance in the moonlight with him.
A sucker always steps
on your feet.
- A mug is a mug in everything.
- I don't see why I have to do the work.
There must be plenty of rich old dames
just waiting for you to push 'em around.
You find 'em.
I'll push 'em.
Would I like to see you giving some
old harpy the three-in-one.
- Don't be vulgar, Jean.
Let us be crooked but never common.
- Is he rich?
As the purser so picturesquely put it,
he's dripping with dough.
- He'd almost have to be to stop a boat.
- What does he own, Pike's Peak?
Oh, no, no. Pike's Pale,
"The ale that won for Yale. "
- I wonder if I could clunk him.
- Don't do that!
Hey!
- Two Pike's Pale.
- Now, wait a minute!
Six more Pike's Pale,
and make it snappy.
Are you trying to embarrass me?
We're all out of Pike's.
- Work 'em over on something else.
- They don't want nothin' else.
They want the ale that won for Yale.
Rah, rah, rah!
Well, tell 'em
to go to Harvard.
- Come on.
- How many times do I have to tell ya...
- Four Pike's Pale.
- Now listen!
- Not good enough.
- What'd you say?
I said they're not good enough for him.
EveryJane in the room...
is giving him the thermometer, and
he feels they're just a waste of time.
He's returning to his book.
He's deeply immersed in it.
He's sees no one except... Watch
his head turn when that kid goes by.
It won't do you any good, dear.
He's a bookworm, but swing 'em anyway.
Ah, how about this one?
How would you like that hanging
on your Christmas tree?
Oh, you wouldn't?
Well, what is your weakness, brother?
Holy smoke,
the dropped kerchief!
Hasn't been used since Lily Langtry.
You'll have to pick it up yourself.
It's a shame that he doesn't care
for the flesh. He'll never see it.
Look at that girl over to his left.
Look over to your left, bookworm.
There's a girl pining for you.
A little further.
Just a little further. There!
Wasn't that worth looking for?
See those nice teeth beaming at you?
Why, she recognizes you. She's up.
She's down. She can't make up her mind.
She's up again. She recognizes you.
She's coming over to speak to you.
The suspense is killing me.
Why, for heaven's sake,
Aren't you Fuzzy Oldhammer
I went to manual training school with?
You're not? You certainly look exactly
like him... a remarkable resemblance.
If you're not going to ask me to sit,
I suppose you're not going to ask me.
Sorry. I certainly hope I haven't
caused you any embarrassment.
I wonder if my tie's on straight.
I certainly upset them, don't I?
Who else? The lady champion wrestler.
Wouldn't she make a houseful?
You don't like her either.
What are you going to do about it?
You just can't stand it anymore.
You're leaving.
These women don't give you a moment's
peace, do they? Go sulk in your cabin.
Go soak your head
and see if I care!
I'm very sorry, sir.
That's all right.
- Why don't you look where you're going?
- Why don't I look?
- Look, you knocked the heel off.
- Oh, I did? I'm sorry.
You did, and you can take me right to
my cabin for another pair of slippers.
- The least I can do. My name's Pike.
- Everybody knows.
Nobody's talking about
anything else.
This is my father Colonel Harrington.
My name is Jean. It's really Eugenia.
- Funny our meeting like this, isn't it?
- Yes, isn't it?
- This is quite a cabin.
- Pretty cozy, isn't it?
- Holy Moses!
- What's the matter?
- That perfume.
- What's the matter with it?
It's just that I've been up the Amazon
for a year, and they don't use perfume.
Oh. The shoes are over here.
Because you were so polite, you can pick
them out and put them on if you like.
Push that side. There.
- Holy Moses!
- See anything you like?
The evening slippers are over there.
Those the ones you want?
Doesn't seem possible
for anybody to wear anything that size.
Oh, that's pretty.
You'll have to kneel down.
- I hope I didn't hurt you.
- Of course you didn't.
Don't you feel well?
Oh, I'm all right.
- What were you doing up the Amazon?
- Looking for snakes.
- I'm an ophiologist.
- I thought you were
in the beer business.
- Beer? Ale!
- What's the difference?
- Between beer and ale?
- Yes.
My father'd burst a blood vessel
if he heard you say that.
There's a big difference. Ale's sort
of fermented on the top or something.
And beer's fermented on the bottom.
Or maybe it's the other way around.
There's no similarity at all.
The trouble with being
descended from a brewer,
no matter how long ago he "brewed-ed"
or whatever you call it,
you're supposed to know all about
something you don't give a hoot about.
It's funny to be kneeling here
at your feet talking about beer.
You see, I don't like beer.
Bock beer, lager beer or steam beer.
- Don't you?
- I do not!
And I don't like pale ale, brown ale,
nut brown ale, porter or stout,
which makes me "ulp"
just to think about it.
Excuse me.
Wasn't enough, so everybody would
call me Hopsie ever since I was six.
- Hopsie Pike.
- Hello, Hopsie.
Make it, Charlie, will you?
All right, but there's something
kinda cute about Hopsie.
And when you get older,
I could call you Popsie. Hopsie Popsie.
That's all I'd need.
Here's a business I wouldn't mind.
I never realized how lovely it could be.
Oh, thank you.
We'd better get back now.
Yes, I guess so.
You see, where I've been... I mean,
up the Amazon, you kind of forget how...
I mean, when you haven't seen
a girl in a long time...
I mean, uh, there's something
about that perfume that...
- Don't you like my perfume?
- Like it? I'm cockeyed on it.
Why, Hopsie, you ought
to be kept in a cage.
The nerve of some people.
Ah, there you are.
It certainly took you long enough
to come back in the same outfit.
I'm lucky to have this on.
Mr. Pike has been up a river for a year.
- Now, look, I...
- Pay no attention to my daughter.
It always comes out
in the women of our family.
- The men are all missionaries,
with the exception of myself.
- And what an exception.
- Won't you have a drink with us?
- Just a brandy. You have it with me.
- Three brandies.
- Yes, sir.
Have you seen this one?
- Oh, he does card tricks!
- In a small way, of course.
Well, bless my soul.
Do that again, will you?
Amazing.
How do you do it?
You palm it in this hand. You grip it
in the palm of the hand like this.
- It takes a good deal of practice.
- I can well imagine it might.
Amazing. It's good I know who you are
or I wouldn't play cards with you.
Sir?
- You didn't really think that, uh...
- Oh, of course not, silly.
- You look as honest as we do.
- Three brandies.
- Washington and Valley Forge.
- Dewey and Manila.
Napoleon and Josephine.
- Say, how about a rubber of bridge?
- You're probably too good for us.
I don't have to play my best.
Besides, playing with you...
- would always be a pleasure.
- Aren't you sweet?
Who'll we get for a fourth?
Isn't there a three-handed game?
I seem vaguely to remember having...
Of course there is, and it'll be
much cozier. Will you shuffle?
- Well, I'll try.
- Every man for himself.
- I, uh, what?
- Um.
Oh. Well...
You go up the Amazon for a year,
and then you come out and meet you...
- I'll be a cockeyed cookie pusher!
- Ha!
- What's the matter now?
- Come on, deal them shingles.
You don't happen to have some beautiful
damsel pining for you, do you?
- That often explains it.
- Come on. Let's go.
- I really feel very guilty about this.
- Don't let it worry you.
It's a good thing we're not playing for
money, or I'd have you in bankruptcy.
- This last hand alone...
- Weren't we playing for money?
Of course not.
I never play for money.
We always play for money. Otherwise,
it's like swimming in an empty pool.
- Lf you count that last redouble, it's...
- Nonsense, my boy.
- At ten cents a point?
- At ten cents a point?
Purely nominal.
Now, let me see. Five, ten...
- You'll ruin us.
- Four ninety-eight. Roughly $500.
- Oh, wait a minute.
- Father's in the oil business.
It just keeps bubbling up
out of the ground.
- I thought with the title of colonel...
- Purely honorary.
- How much do I owe the sucker?
- Now, let me see. Two, four, six...
Who's that funny-looking
gink watching us?
- Everything on the up-and-up?
- Everything's okay. Go to bed.
I'm way ahead.
- All right.
- Who's that, your nurse?
That's Muggsy.
My father took him off a truck
when I was a kid to look out for me.
Kidnappers, stuff like that.
He's been sort of a bodyguard, governess
and a very bad valet ever since.
He saved my life once in a brawl.
- Roughly $100.
- That's rough enough.
- Since I had no understanding that...
- Don't worry. I'll get it back.
- Well, if that's a promise.
- You can depend upon it.
- I'll certainly feel better.
- You certainly will.
I think I'll toddle off...
and leave you young people to talk
about whatever young people talk about.
- I'm awfully sorry about this.
- Beeswax, my boy, beeswax.
- Good night, Jeanie.
- Good night, darling.
- He's a nice fellow, your father.
- He's a good card player too.
You think so?
I don't want to be rude,
- but he seemed a little uneven.
- He's more uneven sometimes than others.
That's what makes him uneven.
But now you, on the other hand,
with a little coaching,
you could be terrific.
- Do you really think so?
- Yes, you have a definite nose.
I'm glad you like it.
Do you like any of the rest of me?
Oh, what I meant was
in the card-playing sense...
I know what you meant.
I was just flirting with you.
Oh.
You're not going to faint,
are you?
Who, me?
Uh, it's that perfume.
Oh.
Do you think they're
dancing anyplace on board?
Don't you think
we ought to go to bed?
You're certainly a funny girl
for anybody to meet...
who's just been up
the Amazon for a year.
Good thing you weren't
up there two years.
Come on.
Good night.
- I'm afraid we're on the wrong deck.
- Isn't that a coincidence?
- For heaven's sake, here's my cabin.
- Fantastic!
Would you care to come in and see Emma?
That's a new one, isn't it?
- Shh. I don't want to wake her up.
- Wake who up?
- Emma.
- Emma? I thought that was just a gag.
Technically,
she's a Columbrina Marzditzia,
which seems to be a rare type
of Brazilian glass snake, which I'm...
- A snake!
- She seems to have got out again.
- She's out?
- Well, don't worry.
She's around here someplace.
- Let me out of here!
- Oh, don't be frightened.
She's as playful as a kitten.
You mustn't really...
Don't do that!
How's that going...
I'm sorry. I wouldn't have frightened
you for anything in the world.
- Why didn't you tell me...
- I thought you understood.
How could I understand? Why should
I suspect an apparently civilized man...
- Please.
- Oh. Look under the bed.
- How could she possibly get down here?
- Please!
- Oh, all right.
- Please.
- Oh!
- It's just a stocking.
If you see any more, just leave
them there. Now, look in the bed.
- In the bed? How could she possibly...
- Oh, go on now.
- You know how fast we came down,
i i
so you can magne...
- Oh!
It's nothing, but it might
have given you a shock.
- Nothing like a cold hot water bottle.
- Oh!
They would have had
to bury me at sea.
Come over here and sit down
beside me. Oh.
- Comfortable?
- Yes, very.
Oh, sorry.
Hold me tight.
Oh, you don't know
what you've done to me.
I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
I wouldn't have frightened you
for anything in the world.
I mean, if there's anyone
in the world I wouldn't have wanted to,
it's you.
You're very sweet.
Don't let me go.
Thank you.
How was everything up the Amazon?
A- All right, thank you.
What are you thinking about?
Nothing.
Are you always going
to be interested in snakes?
Well, snakes are my life in a way.
What a life.
Oh, I-I suppose
it does sound sort of silly.
I mean, I suppose I should have
married and settled down.
I imagine my father
always wanted me to.
As a matter of fact,
he's told me so rather plainly.
I just never cared
for the brewing business.
Oh. You say that's
why you've never married?
Oh, no. It's just that I...
I've never met her.
I suppose she's around
somewhere in the world.
It would be too bad
if you never bumped into each other.
Well...
I- I suppose you know
what she looks like and everything.
I think so.
I'll bet she looks like
Marguerite in Faust.
Oh, no, she isn't...
I mean, she hasn't...
She's not as bulky as an opera singer.
- Oh. How are her teeth?
- Huh?
You should always pick one out with
good teeth. It saves expense later.
- Oh, now you're kidding me.
- Not badly.
You have a right to have an ideal.
Oh, I guess we all have one.
What does yours look like?
He's a little short guy
with lots of money.
- Why short?
- What does it matter if he's rich?
It's so he'll look up to me,
so I'll be his ideal.
- That's a funny kind of reasoning.
- Well, look who's reasoning.
And when he takes me out to dinner,
he'll never add up the check.
And he won't smoke greasy cigars
or use grease on his hair, and...
- Oh, yes, he won't do card tricks.
- Oh!
Oh, it's not that I mind
your doing card tricks, Hopsie.
It's just that you naturally wouldn't
want your ideal to do card tricks.
I shouldn't think that kind of ideal
was so difficult to find.
Oh, he isn't.
That's why he's my ideal.
What's the sense of having one
if you can't ever find him?
Mine is a practical ideal...
you can find two or three of
in every barber shop getting the works.
Why don't you marry one of them?
Why should I marry
anybody that looked like that?
When I marry, it's going to be somebody
I've never seen before.
I won't know what he looks like or
where he'll come from or what he'll be.
I want him to sort of
take me by surprise.
Like a burglar.
That's right.
And the night will be
heavy with perfume,
and I'll hear a step behind me...
and somebody breathing heavily.
And then...
Oh!
Ohhh! You better go to bed, Hopsie.
I think I can sleep peacefully now.
I wish I could say the same.
Why, Hopsie!
Ah, good morning, Mr. Murgatroyd.
- I trust I see you full of sparkle.
- Morning.
- Have a dish of tea?
- I had my breakfast.
Where I come from
we get up in the morning.
And where did it get you?
Or is that a personal question?
- Where did it get me?
- Good morning, sir.
Fruit, cereal, bacon and eggs, eggs
and sausage, sausage and hot cakes,
hot cakes and ham, ham and eggs,
eggs and bacon, bacon and...
Give me a spoonful of milk,
a raw pigeon's egg and four houseflies.
If you can't catch any, I'll settle
for a cockroach. I'll be on deck.
- Did you get it?
- Close enough.
-
- There. Dunk your whiskers in that.
- How much you say you win last night?
- About $600.
- I'm going to try to lose it back.
- I don't get it.
- I lose 40 bucks to their valet,
and I figure the guy's a cutie.
- Because he took you?
Who do you think you are,
Houdini?
You don't have to be a whodunit
to tell a cold deck.
All you have to know
is the difference between hot and cold.
- That guy rung a cold deck in on me.
- Balderdash!
You're always suspicious
of everybody.
Remember the clergyman you said was a
pickpocket and he turned out a bishop?
- I still ain't so sure.
- The guy trying to slip you a mickey?
- Only he was taking aspirin.
- I ain't so sure about him neither.
I suppose you think this
gentleman and his daughter...
lost $600 to me just
so they could fleece me later.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Well, in the first place,
he happens to be Colonel Harrington,
a very important oil man.
In the second place,
I'm an expert card player.
I've been fooling with cards
all my life. I do tricks with cards.
They might know a couple of
tricks you ain't seen yet.
What's the matter?
Oh, I'm sorry.
That slimy snake.
- I've been dreaming about him all night.
- You mean Pike?
No, his reptile.
He travels with a snake act.
He's a... He's an ophi...
Oh, I don't know.
He likes snakes.
You mean he isn't
in the beer business?
He's in the ale business.
It seems there's a very big difference.
You had me worried. I thought
we'd sweetened the wrong kitty.
Oh, no, he's the real McPike. Hmm.
- That poor sap. That card trick.
- Tragic.
- What are you dealing?
- Fifths.
- Like heck you're dealing fifths.
- Want to bet?
Do it again.
Now let me see the aces.
Hmm.
Now, let me see them.
- I don't believe it.
- It's just virtuosity.
- Harry.
- Yes, darling?
Tell me my fortune.
Good morning.
Thank you for the roses.
Gee, you look pretty.
I hope you slept well.
I'm still a little jumpy.
How is that, uh, Emma?
- She's just having breakfast.
- What does she eat? Don't tell me.
No, I won't.
I hope you didn't mind
my asking you to breakfast.
It wouldn't be polite
if I said I did, would it?
- No, I don't suppose it would.
- And it wouldn't be true either.
You have the darnedest way of bumping
a fellow down and bouncing him up again.
- And then bumping him down again.
- Oh.
I could imagine life with you
being a series of ups and downs,
lights and shadows, some irritation,
but very much happiness.
Why, Hopsie!
Are you proposing to me so soon?
- No, of course not. I'm just...
- Then you ought to be more careful.
- People have been sued for much less.
- Not by girls like you.
Don't you know it's dangerous to trust
people you don't know very well?
- Well, I know you very well.
- People you haven't known very long.
Oh, I've known you
a long time in a way.
Breakfast, sir?
- What did you say?
- I said breakfast, sir?
Two scotch and sodas with plain water.
You take it plain, don't you?
- Don't you take cream and sugar in it?
- No, I always drink it black.
Oh.
- Say, what am I talking about?
- That's what I was wondering.
How about a nice bicarbonate of soda
with an egg in it? It does wonders.
He doesn't understand.
- Want the strippers on the right?
- I hardly need them, Gerald.
- I can take this boy with a deck.
- Just to be on the safe side.
- High card cuts on the outside,
cold hands in the middle.
- Cold hands I love
Blue readers on the outside,
red nearest the heart.
- I could play the whole ship with these.
- Hello, Harry. Hello, Gerald.
- Hello, Jean.
- Greetings, my little minx.
I hope I find you well and that
your little pal hasn't fallen overboard.
- With our $600.
- He's jut gone to dress for dinner.
You'd better do the same, because
we are going to play cards tonight.
- And I don't mean "old maid. "
- I think Charles is in love with me.
- No!
- Of course he's in love with you.
Who is he not to be in love with you who
have beautified the North Atlantic?
- Better men than he...
- I mean on the level.
- The others were on the bias?
- Oh, stop kidding.
I'm not kidding. I was never more
delighted. You have as usual taken...
- You don't get the point. I like him.
- Why shouldn't you like him?
There's as fine a specimen of the sucker
sapiens as I've have ever seen.
- There's a man who does card tricks!
- I think he's going to ask me
to marry him.
- No!
- No!
- Yes.
- That's wonderful, Jean.
No wonder you're blushing.
And that fortunate young man.
- Fortunate, indeed.
- Can't you hear his pulses pounding?
His ears must be ringing
like telephone bells.
His hands are clammy
with excitement.
He won't know an ace
from a deuce.
- You weren't thinking of taking him?
- What were you thinking of?
I don't think you understand,
either of you.
This is on the up-and-up.
I- I think I'm in love
with the poor fish, snakes and all.
He's... Oh, I don't know.
He's kind of touched
something in my heart.
And I'd give a lot to be...
Well, I mean, I'm going
to be exactly the way he thinks I am.
- The way he'd like me to be.
- I'm sure that's very noble, Jean.
And I wish you all
the happiness in the world,
- All the boys and girls you want.
- You'll go straight too?
- Straight to where?
- You know what I mean.
You can come and live with us. You too,
Gerald. Well, part of the time anyway.
We'll probably have a beautiful place.
And think how peaceful you can be.
Playing cribbage with Gerald. I can see
myself roaming around your estate...
with a weedsticker, 50 cents a week and
a pair of new slippers for Christmas.
The trouble with people who reform
is they want to rain
on everybody else's parade.
- Tend to knitting. I'll play cards.
- Not with him.
- Remember that sucker has $500 of ours?
- Six hundred.
I suppose you could take that back.
- You bet I could,
and a little dividend along with it.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
- You'll find I can play a cards myself.
- You think so?
- I'm not your daughter for free.
Give me a pack of those.
You'll find out.
Children don't respect
their parents anymore.
I haven't been quite as lucky tonight
as usual, have I?
You don't know how lucky. The colonel
has been drawing wonderful cards.
- I believe it's my deal.
- I haven't got my mind on the game.
I noticed that.
How much are you behind?
Oh, about $3,000.
Well, well, well.
You've given me a good hand at last.
I'm glad you like it.
You'll have to be pretty good
to beat me. I'll open for 100.
Nevertheless,
I'll raise you 100.
Too good for me.
I'm afraid I'll have
to raise you 100.
Well, you must have
something pretty good.
Still...
Excuse me.
Still...
I'll raise you 100.
Sorry to see you lose your money, but I
can't let that challenge go unanswered.
And 100.
Well, you're making me very nervous.
But I must raise you 200.
A Pike doesn't know
the meaning of the word "fear. "
And 100.
A Harrington doesn't know
the meaning of the word "defeat. "
And 200.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I thought I'd given you six cards.
Far from it, my little minx.
Far from it.
- And 100.
- I wonder if I have enough money.
Oh, yes, plenty, plenty.
I'll raise you 1,000.
I don't want to win so much from you,
but I'll call you just
to show you how hopeless it is.
Cards?
Not unless you have
another queen, which I doubt.
Well, I'll see what I can do.
What do you know about that?
I thought at least
one of you had four aces.
I'll check my four queens.
What have you?
I regret to say
that I was bluffing.
Spare me the shame
of showing you on what.
Oh, say, I'm embarrassed.
- Maybe I should have laid my cards down.
- You don't think he minds?
Father loves to lose.
How do you stand now?
Oh, just about $1,000 behind.
You're going to stop right there.
I'll meet you on a-deck in five minutes.
But I want your word of honor
that you won't play even one more hand.
You have it.
Know any more games, Harry?
Wonderful girl.
Yes, isn't she?
I, uh...
I don't know whether
you noticed, but, uh...
If you have no objections,
it was...
It was my intention to,
uh, ask Miss Harrington...
I mean, your daughter... to, uh,
be mine.
Why, my dear boy!
You see me astonished!
Why, that was the last thing
that entered my mind.
Bless my soul. We must have a drink
on that. Steward, two drinks.
- Well, I'm all emotional.
- Thank you, sir.
To say that I am thunderstruck
is an understatement.
She'll probably turn you down,
but anyway...
- I intend to make her as happy as I can.
- She asks very little.
- I suppose you know I'm very rich.
- Aren't we all?
I'm sorry in a way because
it would be so pleasant...
to buy lovely "nonsensities"
for somebody who'd never had them.
Wouldn't it? That's the tragedy
of the rich. They don't need anything.
As a matter of fact, Charles, I don't
even like winning $1,000 from you...
Oh, my dear sir,
it isn't a drop in the ocean.
Why, every time the clock ticks,
14 people swig a bottle of Pike.
I don't know why,
but there you are.
It's the principle
of the thing that bothers me.
A father who wins from his own
son-in-law, how does that look?
Here, let's wipe out that 1,000.
Double or nothing.
Well, I promised Jean
I wouldn't play anymore.
This isn't playing.
This is undoing an absurdity.
Here, $1,000.
High card takes it. Go ahead.
Why... Well...
Darn it all.
Now we'll have to try again.
- That's 2,000 I owe you.
- For the moment.
I wish you wouldn't do that.
I'm sure if you tried once more...
No, thanks. I'd rather pay 32,000
than lose a really large amount.
This is very embarrassing.
Just make it out to cash.
It could be even
more embarrassing.
Thirty-two thousand...
dollars...
and no cents.
Uh, don't mention the middle name.
I wouldn't wantJean to know it.
As a matter of fact,
I'd prefer if you wouldn't tell Jean
anything about the whole transaction.
- You may depend upon it.
- You certainly may!
- You promised you wouldn't play anymore.
- We didn't play anymore, Jean.
- We... We were just wiping out my loss.
- You need a keeper!
Now that you've taught Charles
not to play "double or nothing,"
- what are you Gonna do with that check?
- Just this, my pretty child.
You mean it was just a joke?
Why, of course.
You don't actually think I'd bleed
my own daughter's friend, do you?
Perish the thought!
Come on!
Good night.
Your check, sir.
That was a terrible lesson
the colonel almost taught me.
- Yeah, he's a great joker.
- He certainly had me fooled.
- Gee, you look lovely.
- Thank you.
I, uh... I spoke to your father
about something.
Did you?
Yes.
Would you like to go up in the bow
of the boat and stand in the wind?
I'd love to.
The air is good, isn't it? It makes
you feel all clean inside and nice.
- Don't move.
- What?
I've just understood something.
Every time I've looked at you here on
the boat, it wasn't only here I saw you.
You seemed to go way back.
I know that isn't clear,
but I saw you here, and at the same time
further away, then still further away;
and then very small,
like converging perspective lines.
That isn't it. It's like... like people
following each other in a forest glade.
Only way back there you're a little girl
with a short dress and your hair...
falling to your shoulders, and a little
boy is standing, holding your hand.
In the middle distance,
I'm still with you,
not holding your hand anymore
because it isn't manly, but wanting to.
And then still further,
we look terrible.
You with your legs like
a colt and mine like a calf.
What I'm trying to say is... only
I'm not a poet, I'm an ophiologist...
I've always loved you.
I mean, I've never loved anyone but you.
I know that sounds dull
as a drugstore novel,
and what I see inside
I'll never be able to cast into words,
but that's what I mean.
I wish we were married
and on our honeymoon now.
So do I. But it isn't
as simple as all that, Hopsie.
I'm terribly in love,
and you seem to be too.
So one of us has to think
and try and keep things clear.
Maybe I can do that better
than you can.
They say a moonlit deck
is a woman's business office.
- Are you the purser?
- Just a moment. Mr. Klink, please.
- You the purser?
- Yes. What is it, please?
I want to ask you
a "hypothermical" question.
- Maybe that would be better
to ask the doctor.
- Never mind the wisecracks.
What I want the dope on is, if there
happened to be card sharks on this tub...
Shh! Not so loud, please. In
the first place, there isn't any, and...
- Could you prove it if there was?
- A passenger is a passenger, my friend.
If he pays for his ticket and
doesn't steal the ship's towels,
who are we to go slandering him?
You don't happen to be a mouthpiece?
You talk like a law school.
I was admitted to the BAR,
if that's what you're talking about.
The drinks are on you.
I watch out for the kid, the Pike kid.
I watch out for him,
and you're gonna watch out for him,
or you'll be right on the beach
sellin' popcorn.
His old man knows your president.
A wire from me is all it takes.
When old man Pike goes into action,
you'll be in the side pocket.
- All I gotta do...
- You needn't try to intimidate me, Mr...
- Murgatroyd to you.
- Troygamoyd.
If I should discover that Mr. Pike
was in any danger of being swindled,
I might have some photographs...
confidential, of course...
of some of the better known
alleged professional card players.
Not that I admit there are any
on this ship. You understand?
Naw, they're swimming
alongside in the water.
Come in.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Harry.
- Think you're pretty smart, don't you?
- You know I had to.
You're such an old scoundrel.
You'd skin me if you had the chance.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Are you really in love with this mug?
- Uh-huh.
Don't you think it a little dangerous?
I don't mean for us, for your heart.
They're apt to be slightly
narrow-minded, these righteous people.
A man who couldn't forgive
wouldn't be much of a man.
What about his family?
You're going to tell him
who we are before you marry him?
- I presume he's offered you marriage.
- Of course he did.
- And you're going to tell him?
- Of course.
But you're not going to tell him
till you get off the boat.
You'd have to be fair
to Gerald and to me.
Naturally.
I hope you'll never be unhappy.
I hope I'll never be more unhappy
than I am right now.
- He's waiting for you?
- Uh-huh.
- And you're in a hurry to get to him?
- Uh-huh!
Then I'll leave you.
Good morning.
- Oh, what do you want?
- How much did you lose last night?
- Nothing. Why?
- You see?
There's something screwy somewhere.
This is a gang of sharpies.
Sherlock Holmes!
What's the matter, did you lose?
- The guy lets me win a few fish.
- So you get twice as suspicious?
- That's right?
- You ought to put handles on that skull.
- Maybe you could grow geraniums in it.
- Yeah?
Well, get a load of this and see
what you can grow in it. Gratitude!
That's what you get
for savin' a guy's life.
Philo Vance!
If you didn't lose any money last night,
I would prefer you didn't look in there.
- I didn't lose any.
- There's only one other possibility.
They might be aiming
at higher game.
What are you talking about?
You haven't fallen in love,
have you?
What's it got to do with you?
Look at the photograph. I'll take
the consequences. Good morning, sir.
- Straight scotch.
- Yes, sir.
Why, Hopsie! What
are you doing at the bar at this hour?
- Good morning.
- Morning, darling.
You look like the last grave
over near the willow.
Are you worried about something?
- Should I be?
- Of course you should,
falling in love with a girl
in the middle of an ocean.
You see, Hopsie,
you don't know very much about girls.
The best ones aren't as good
as you probably think they are,
and the bad ones
aren't as bad.
Not nearly as bad.
You're right to worry, falling in love
with an adventuress on the high seas.
- Are you an adventuress?
- All women are. They have to be.
If you waited for a man to propose,
you'd die of old maidenhood.
That's why I let you try my slippers on,
and then I put my cheek against yours;
then I made you put
your arms around me,
and then I...
I fell in love with you,
which wasn't in the cards.
- Jean.
- Yes, darling?
What's that?
You'd better look.
Rotten likeness, isn't it?
I never cared for that picture.
Good morning. Breakfast?
Melon, grapefruit, orange juice?
- Just some coffee, please.
- Yes, indeed.
Please don't look so upset. I was going
to tell you when we got to New York.
I would have told you, only it wouldn't
have been fair to Harry and Gerald.
You never know how someone's
going to take things like that.
And... well...
maybe I wanted you to love me
a little more too.
You believe me, don't you?
You don't think I was going to marry you
without telling you?
You don't think that badly of me.
Or do you?
Why didn't you let your father
rob me last night?
If you didn't believe what I just told
you, you wouldn't believe that either.
You wouldn't understand.
Anyway, I'm...
I'm glad you got the picture
this morning instead of last night,
if that means anything to you.
It should.
You thought you were having
a lot of fun with me, didn't you?
L...
I was having a lot of fun
with you, Hopsie.
More fun than I've ever
had with anybody.
You were certainly very funny
showing Harry how to palm a card.
- You were pretty funny yourself.
- When?
Trying to play me for a sucker
when they told me who you were
the morning after I met you.
- Who told you?
- Never mind who told me.
You mean you were playing me
for a sucker?
I don't believe it.
But if you were...
If you were just trying
to make me feel cheap and hurt me,
you succeeded handsomely.
You ought to be very proud
of yourself, Mr. Pike.
Very proud of yourself.
Your coffee, miss!
There, there, there.
My gracious! You know you shouldn't
draw to an inside straight.
I hate that mug. I hate him!
There, there.
When I think we let that sucker off
scot-free, it makes my blood boil!
- I told you not to mix business.
- I won't again, believe me.
- "Scot-free" is perhaps an exaggeration.
- Hmm?
How did you do it?
Don't you remember he showed me
how to palm things?
With two strokes of a hot iron,
it'll come out like new.
I feel a lot better already.
Come on, baby! Roll,
you sweet pappy! Roll them heels!
- He took it too wide.
- He'll be all right.
- In a pig's neck, he'll be all right.
- Come on, pappy!
- Pappy needs them pennies!
- Keep it down to a riot!
Oh, baby, don't do that!
What I can't understand
is how he finished fifth!
There were only
five horses in the race.
What do you expect when you bet
on a goat called "After You"?
Pardon me,
but is this seat taken?
My dear Harry!
Bless my soul!
- William at the moment.
- William, of course.
I'm enchanted to see you again,
My dear William. And you, Gerald.
- And the lady pretty as a pack of aces.
- Hello, Pearlie.
Sir Alfred at the moment,
my pretty child.
Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith
at your service.
You're certainly a sight
for lame peepers. I've seen nobody,
absolutely not a soul in our set,
since the boat stopped running.
- What's your pitch, Pearlie?
- Sir Alfred.
I have a little nest on the edge
of a town called Bridgefield,
a town that's
full of millionaires.
It's in the heart of the contract
bridge belt, a wonderful game!
- Bridgefield, Connecticut?
- Precisely. I have my dogs.
I have my horses. I have
my little house. I have my antiques.
We play a little game here and a little
game there, then we play somewhere else.
Sometimes my luck is good.
Sometimes my luck is better.
- One thing and another, what a dream!
- How do you meet them?
The chumps? When one's name
is Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith, R.F.D.,
one doesn't have to meet them.
One fights them off with sticks. Then
again, just think, there's no hurry!
- You have them by the year like a lease.
- Ah, Pearlie.
- Tell me, do you know the Pikes?
- What do you care if he does?
Oh, do I know them?
I positively swill in their ale.
Good old Horace.
What a card player.
Do you know Charles?
Is he the tall, backward boy who's
always toying with toads and things?
- I think I have seen him skulking about.
- He isn't backward.
- He's a scientist.
- Oh, is that what it was?
I knew he was... peculiar.
Well, it's charming to have seen you
again. Now, what have we in the fifth?
- Say, Pearlie.
- Yeah?
- Could I visit you sometime?
- Could you visit me sometime?
- As your niece.
- As my niece?
My dear girl,
you have to be English.
I've been English before.
I shall be as English as necessary.
Why don't you stop talking nonsense?
Because I want to see that guy.
I've got some unfinished
business with him.
I need him like the axe
needs the turkey!
Better go make your bets.
Come, landlord
fill the flowing bowl
Until it doth run over
For tonight
we'll merry, merry be
For tonight
we'll merry, merry be
For tonight
we'll merry, merry be
Tomorrow we'll be sober
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
Black tie or white tie?
You can wear a green one for all I care.
What party is that?
Who's giving it?
Oh! We are!
Well, it's funny they wouldn't
say something to me about it.
Yeah,
this is Mr. Pike speaking. Mr. Who?
I don't get it. I'll probably
meet you at the party tonight anyhow.
By the way, what time is it? Thanks.
Nuthouse.
Hey, where is everybody?
Where's my breakfast?
"Crest: A lion couchant gardant or...
holding between the paws an escutcheon
sable charged with a cock proper.
Motto: Hyphen sic erat in fatis. "
- Here, you do it.
- Nonsense! It's perfectly simple.
Second or third, a fesse dancette,
between three crosses crosslet.
- Crosses crosslet.
- That's right.
- Horses horselet!
- Emile!
- Nutzes nutslet! Wit gules!
- Remember who you are!
- Yes, sir?
- When do I eat?
- They must have overlooked you.
I'll get you something right away.
- It's about time.
- You'll regret this day, my lad!
- Fusils!
- Oh, that's all very well.
- Fitchee! Fitchee!
- Where's the snake food?
- Oh, get it yourself, Ambrose!
Lay off the Ambrose.
Why didn't you shave in your room?
- Keep your remarks to yourself.
- What's the matter with him?
- Fitchee!
- Where's the snake food?
- In the icebox.
Where do you think it is?
- What's the matter with everybody?
- The master's breakfast, please.
- You can take it up with somebody else.
What did I do?
Hey, you!
- Huh?
- Come here.
While you're inside...
No speak.
Ohhh!
If that's the knife sharpener,
take him around to the back.
Yes, ma'am.
You just sit there,
and I'll be back before you can say...
- Piano?
- What do you want?
- Where's the piano, kindly?
- Where do you think it is?
- I'll show you.
- And don't forget to come back.
- Say, Burrows.
- Yes, sir. Good morning, sir.
- You haven't seen a little
brown crotalis colobrinus, have you?
- With pink spots.
I rejoice to say
that I have not, sir.
That's all I'd be needing
this morning.
Thank you, sir.
Okay. And try
and keep off the grass.
Next!
Where'd you get that thing?
- Good evening, my man.
- How are you?
- Uh...
- Come on, lady.
We're holding up the traffic.
Come, my dear.
Right you are, Glenny. Coming.
And keep off the grass. Next!
Just here, Your Ladyship.
- Good evening, Burrows. Yeah.
- Sir Alfred.
- Your Ladyship.
- Your Ladyship.
Your Ladyship.
The Lady Eve Sidwich...
and Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith.
- Welcome, my dear.
- Good evening.
- Sir Alfred.
- Hello, hello, hello!
How are you, Glenny?
Glad to see you, you old rascal.
- Horace, my lad.
My niece Lady Sidwich.
- How do you do?
Well, this is a surprise, miss, uh...
Say, what do I call you?
Well, Horace,
I should think you'd know.
Oh, please.
Just call me Eve.
Just plain Eve.
Isn't that wonderful?
You're just the kind of a girl
I've been looking for all my life.
- We'll get this over with quick,
and you and I will have a little drink.
- Ripping!
Just the word for it. Come on.
I hope Horace won't
frighten her to death.
- How long has she been in America?
- Three days.
- Three days,
and to meet Horace right away.
- Oh, I don't know.
How did she come over?
I didn't know the boats were running.
- A battleship.
- A battleship?
- Well, actually, a cruiser.
- But then she must be very, very...
- Oh, very!
- Well!
Oh, dear!
Naturally, I was frightfully anxious
to see Uncle Alfred,
and as I didn't know
just where Connect-i-cut was...
I took the tube.
The subway.
And to the official, I said, " Be so good
as to let me off at Connect-i-cut. "
You see, I thought
we'd have the boxes...
sent up on a dray
later that afternoon.
- The what?
- Trunks on a truck.
So he said, " Lady,
I don't know where Connect-i-cut is,
but this train goes to Harlem. "
But I don't know how
he knew I was a lady!
So I said, " Do you think
I'd do better on a tram?"
And he said,
"Well, now, uh... you couldn't do worse. "
So I thanked him
and returned to the street.
Oh, but I must say
I felt an awful fool!
- Then how did you get here?
- I took a taxi.
- From New York?
- Oh, yes!
Oh, Charlie,
I want you to meet Lady Eve Sidwich.
- How do you do?
- Go on.
The chauffeur said it wasn't far,
so I said, "Very well. "
- But the city seemed enormous!
- At 20 cents a mile!
- Isn't your son feeling well?
- What's the matter with you?
Well... I mean to say, uh...
haven't we met?
But of course we have!
Your father just introduced us.
- Aren't you feeling well?
- Uh... sure.
Oh, I'm so sorry. You meant,
hadn't you met me before someplace.
- Yes.
- Very probably. Let me see.
Where could it have been?
- Deauville? Biarritz?
- No. No.
I know! Le Touquet!
You had a moustache at the time,
and you tried to meet me in the casino.
- No.
- Huh. I give up.
Let's have a drink.
It couldn't have been
on the S.S. Southern Queen between here
and South America, could it?
Oh, I'm afraid not. You see,
I've never been in South America.
You've never been
in South America?
She's never been
in South America.
As a matter of fact,
I've never been in North America
until about three days ago.
Oh, you haven't? Well,
you weren't on the S.S. Southern Queen.
Say, what's the matter with you?
Oh, uh... I'm sorry.
Oh! Were you in love with her?
He was in love with her, but
he don't remember what she looked like.
Don't let them tease you.
You can tell me all about her.
Well, on some days my son
seems brighter than others.
Well, I don't know
what she looked like,
but if she looked
anything like you, here's to her.
Thank you.
It was a white one
with enormous teeth!
- Dinner is served, madam.
- Thank you, Burrows. Dinner, Horace.
Oh. Come on.
Let's put on the feed bag.
Take my arm, and we'll
fight our way through.
Charming. Simply charming.
- Did you hurt yourself?
- No, I'm fine.
- Oh.
- I just...
You haven't been hitting
the bottle lately, have you?
- Of course he hasn't.
Anybody's apt to trip.
- Not over a sofa.
That sofa's been there for 15 years,
and no one ever fell over it before.
Oh, well,
now the ice is broken.
You go upstairs and take a bath,
and I'll like you just as much as ever.
There's a good boy.
Toodle-oo!
So long.
Oh!
That's the same dame. She looks
the same, she walks the same...
and she's tossing you
just like she done the last time.
- She doesn't talk the same.
- Anybody can put on an act.
Guess who I am.
- Weren't her eyes closer together?
- They were not.
They were right where they are,
on each side of her nose.
- Why should she do it?
- I don't know. Maybe she wants you
to fall for her again.
- Do I look that dumb?
- You wouldn't be the first one.
I knew a guy married
the same dame three times,
then turned around
and married her aunt.
- No.
- Huh?
- They look too much alike.
- You said it. There couldn't be two...
They look too much alike
to be the same.
That's what I've been telling you.
They... Huh?
If she came here with her hair
dyed yellow and eyebrows different or...
What's hair to a skirt?
I used to go with a little Eskimo dame...
She didn't dye her hair, and she didn't
pretend she'd never seen me before.
- She says I look familiar.
- Why shouldn't you?
Because if I did,
she wouldn't admit it.
If she didn't look so exactly like
the other girl, I might be suspicious.
You don't understand psychology.
If you wanted to pretend
you were someone else,
you'd glue a muff on your chin,
and the dog wouldn't even bark at you.
You tryin' to tell me this ain't
the same rib was on the boat?
She even wears the same perfume!
I don't know.
It's the same dame.
Oh, there he is!
I had to change my coat.
Well, don't knock the table over.
- All right now?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks.
Happens to the best of us, you know.
I remember a night in Bombay.
Have you ever been in Bombay?
- You're just there.
- I've been in Egypt.
I remember a night in Egypt.
I was with a small party of friends,
and one day, while
shooting crocodiles...
- You missed some very nice soup.
- That's too bad.
- The fish was a poem.
- That's fine.
Did you hear how the Lady Eve
got to this country?
- How?
- You must promise not to tell a soul.
- I won't.
- In a submarine.
No! Is that so?
Do you know that I find your son
very handsome?
- No! Hmm!
- Yes, quite.
- What's this?
- Why don't you look
where you're goin'?
Why don't you keep your nose
out of other people's business?
- Quiet!
- For two cents, I'd smack you right...
- Oh, pish tush!
- Bah!
Why don't you look where...
Here, give me that.
- What do you mean?
- Come on!
So the deaf man said,
"What did you say?"
And the other passenger said...
"I hear you buried your wife. "
So the deaf man said,
"I didn't quite hear you. "
Oh.
Over here.
What do you think you're doing
in the dining room?
- What does it look like I'm doing?
- Tsk.
- So sorry, sir.
- It's about time.
And then the other
passenger said...
Come on. Ladies first.
I'm so sorry.
I thought he was passing it to me.
Go on.
Will you throw that roughneck
out of here, or will I have to?
With enthusiasm, sir.
That's the same dame.
I can tell by the way...
- I'll take over from here,
Mr. Murgatroyd.
- You and who else?
- I said, I'll take over
from here, Ambrose.
- "Ambrose"?
I said I'll take over.
I said I'll take over from here.
You have no right in this room.
Well, I'll be!
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
Excuse me.
Oh, dear! Again?
Why don't you put on
a bathing suit?
And then the countryman said,
"But dash it all, mister.
"If I muss the moss,
I'll miss the mass.
And I've never been
behind before, besides. "
It was absolutely priceless!
- Ripping!
- You mean top-hole.
There you are, laddie, and very nice
too. Did you purchase it locally?
It's the last one. Anything happens
to this, I'll have to wear a bath towel.
Oh, don't let it depress you, laddie.
Worse things happen
in the best families.
I remember an incident
in Calcutta...
I hope your niece
doesn't think I'm a half-wit.
Oh, bumble-puppy! Why, she's used
to having young men fall for her.
You know, I think that's
rather neat for a nobleman.
- It's just that this girl on the boat...
- There was a girl on a boat?
- She looked
so exactly like your niece...
- Shhh!
Did she have the McGlennan eyes?
The cornflower blue?
- I think so.
- You must never mention
a word of this to a soul.
- What do you mean?
- You're rattling the skeleton.
I'm afraid you've stumbled on the sorrow
of Sidwich, the secret of the century.
- I don't quite follow.
- Meet me in yonder window embrasure,
and look as though
you know nothing.
Shhh. You see, the earl
was considerably older than her mama,
who must never
be mentioned again.
- Oh.
- It was a sort of May/November romance.
Even a March/December,
if you follow me.
Shhh! She'd die of shame
if she thought I told you,
except that she doesn't
know it herself.
You see, into the gulf that separated
this unfortunate couple...
there was a coachman
on the estate, a gay dog.
- A great hand with horses and ladies.
- A coachman?
- Yes. A man who drives horses.
- I know what a coachman is.
- They called him "Handsome Harry. "
- Handsome Harry?
- Shhh!
- The father of the girl on the boat.
Of course. The father of the other
child. After the divorce, of course.
- But they looked exactly alike.
- We must close our minds to that fact.
It brings up the dreadful,
unfounded suspicion...
we must carry to our tombs,
as it is utterly untenable,
that the coachman
in both instances... need I say more?
- He did! I mean, he was!
- Shhh!
Do you want to bring the walls
tumbling down about our ears?
Silence to the grave,
and even beyond.
Oh, there you are
in your nice white coat.
Would you like to come
and talk to me?
I certainly would.
- And I want to apologize
for seeming clumsy.
- Oh, that's quite all right.
As a matter of fact,
I rather enjoyed it.
I'm not that way all the time.
Of course you're not.
Now where should we go?
- Oh, there's a conservatory.
- Jolly. Ooh!
- What's the matter?
- Oh, I'm caught.
I'm glad it's not my fault this time.
There you are.
All clear.
Entirely disgraceful. I've never seen
such a farce in a respectable house.
If I didn't hate him so much,
I would've felt sorry for him.
He certainly took
some nice falls.
And he's gonna take
a lot more too.
Do you know why
he didn't recognize me?
- Yes.
- No, you don't.
I hardly recognized him myself.
He seemed shorter and bonier.
It's because we don't
love each other anymore.
You see, on the boat we had
an awful yen for each other,
so I saw him as very tall
and very handsome.
He probably thought I had big
melting eyes and a rosebud mouth...
and a figure like Miss Long Beach,
the dream of the fleet.
So you have, for that matter.
But I took the further precaution
of telling him the plot...
of"Cecelia, "or "The Coachman's
Daughter, "a gaslight melodrama.
- No!
- Yes.
I've got to protect myself.
I've got a shouting interest round here.
So I filled him full of handsome
coachmen, elderly earls...
young wives and the two little girls
who looked exactly alike.
You mean he actually
swallowed that?
Like a wolf. Well, now you've got him,
what're you gonna do with him?
Finish what I started.
I'm going to dine with him,
dance with him,
swim with him,
laugh at his jokes,
canoodle with him,
and then one day
about six weeks from now...
Some red roses for Your Ladyship.
- Who could they be from?
- Mr. Charles Pike, Your Ladyship.
Oh, the brewer's son.
Oh, rather long, aren't they?
- Just pop them in the umbrella stand.
- Very good, milady.
Thank you.
I'll probably talk like
a cockeyed duchess the rest of my life.
It won't even take six weeks.
One day about two weeks
from now, we'll be riding in the hills,
past waterfalls
and mountain greenery,
up and down ravines and around
through vine-covered trails...
till we come to a spot where
the scenery will be so gorgeous,
it will rise up and smite me
on the head like a hammer.
And the sunset
will be so beautiful,
I'll have to get off my horse
to admire it.
And as I stand there against
the glory of Mother Nature,
my horse will steal up behind me
and nuzzle my hair.
And so will Charles, the heel.
- Stop that!
- Must I?
- Oh, sorry.
I thought it was the horse.
- No, it was me.
- Eve?
- Yes, Charles?
I suppose you know
what I'm thinking about.
Possibly I have an idea.
The union of two people for life...
that is, marriage...
shouldn't be taken lightly.
How wise you are!
Men are more careful in choosing a
tailor than they are in choosing a wife.
That's probably
why they look so funny.
No, they're more careful in choosing
a tailor than in choosing a wife.
- Oh. But not you, Charles.
- That's right.
I think that if there's
one time in your life to be careful,
to weigh every pro and con,
that this is the time.
Oh, yes, you...
You can't be too careful.
That's right.
Now, you might think that having
known you such a short time...
I... I feel
I've known you always.
That's the way
I feel about you.
I don't just see you here
in front of the sunset,
but you seem to go way back.
I see you here and,
at the same time,
further away and still further away
and way, way back...
in a long place like a...
like a forest glade?
That's right.
How did you guess?
Because that's where I see you always.
We held hands way, way back.
That's remarkable.
That's like telepathy.
Ohh. I can read
many of your thoughts.
Well, then I need hardly
tell you of the doubts I've had...
before I brought myself
to speak like this.
You see, Eve,
you're so beautiful.
You're so fine. You're so...
I don't deserve you.
Oh, but you do, Charles.
If anybody ever deserved me,
you do... so richly.
- Eve.
- Charles.
But you can't do that!
You'll get us all into trouble!
You'll jeopardize what has
taken me years to build up!
I'll certainly
telephone your father.
Did she look pretty?
She did, eh?
Well, thanks, Pearlie.
Very depressing having your own
daughter married, and not be there.
- Especially under an assumed name.
Is that legal?
- Seems to be.
Women change their names so much anyway,
it doesn't seem to matter.
- But why did she do it?
- Maybe to teach him a lesson.
How? All she said is:
"You'll see. Wait till the time comes,
and it won't be long now. "
And now she's honeymooning
on a train with a man she hates.
- Maybe she's going to shoot him.
- She's afraid of guns.
Maybe she's going to push him
out of the window.
No. You can't open
a window on a train.
Come in.
- Hello.
- Hello.
It's cozy, isn't it?
Ohhh, you poor darling!
Oh, did you hurt yourself?
- Oh, put it right there.
- It's all right.
Oh, come sit down.
Oh, poor darling.
Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
What are you laughing at?
Oh, it's nothing, darling.
It's just that it's so different.
- It reminds me of that other time.
- What time was that?
Oh, I must be a little bit hysterical.
You see, we didn't have any money,
so we went third class,
and there was a farmer on the opposite
bench with cheese in his lap.
Haven't you ever noticed I never
eat cheese? It was very unromantic.
- Where were you going?
- We eloped.
- Who eloped?
- Me. It was really nothing, darling.
I was only 16 at the time.
You know how romantic young girls are.
It wasn't of the slightest importance,
I assure you. I'm sorry I mentioned it.
Let's pretend I didn't.
Kiss me, and that's all there is to it.
Now it's all finished,
isn't it?
Who did you elope with?
Oh, now I've planted
a seed in your mind.
Are you sure
you want to know?
Oh, why don't we just
forget the whole thing?
Who was it?
- Angus.
- Angus?
Oh, I assure you he was
no one of the slightest importance.
Oh, what a way to make me spend
the wedding night.
Oh, he was just a groom
on father's estate.
- A groom!
- Well, not really the groom, of course.
He put on the groom's uniform on his day
off, then he'd be the groom that day.
The rest of the time
he was just a stable boy.
- A stable boy?
- Yes, a boy who cleans up the stables.
Oh, you don't think
much of my choice.
Well, he didn't look so bad
in the groom's uniform...
with the tight pants, the boots with
yellow tops and the little fat silk hat.
- Don't you think they're cute?
- I do not.
Oh, now you're upset. I never know
when to keep my mouth closed.
I was always taught
to be frank and honest.
It was nothing, darling. We ran away,
but they caught us and brought us back.
And that's all there was to it.
That's all there was to it,
except they discharged him.
Good. When they brought you back,
it was before nightfall,
I trust.
- Oh, no.
- You were out all night?
My dear, it took them
weeks to find us.
We'd made up different names
at the different inns we stayed at.
Oh, you'd die laughing
at some of the names we thought of.
I remember there was one...
- Yes, I'm sure I would.
- Oh, now you're upset.
- Eve.
- Yes, darling?
If there's one thing
that distinguishes a man from a beast,
it's the ability to understand,
and understanding, forgive.
Surely the qualities of mercy,
understanding and sweet forgiveness...
- Sweet what?
- Sweet forgiveness!
Oh.
I won't conceal from you that I wish
this hadn't happened.
But it has, and so it has.
A girl of 16 is practically
an idiot anyway,
so I can't very well
blame you for something...
that was practically done
by somebody else.
I want to thank you
for being so frank.
The name of Angus will never
cross my lips again,
and I hope that you
will do likewise.
Now let us smile
and be as we were.
I knew you'd be that way. I knew it
the moment I saw you standing beside me.
I knew you'd be both
husband and father to me.
I knew I could trust
and confide in you.
I suppose that's why
I fell in love with you.
Thank you.
I wonder if now would be
the time to tell you about Herman.
Herman. Herman?
Who was Herman?
Vernon? I thought
you said Herman!
- Vernon was Herman's friend.
- What a friend!
- Cecil?
- It's pronounced "Ceh-cil. "
- What did you say, dear?
- "How do you mean Hubert or Herbert?"
- They wereJohn's twin cousins.
- John! Who was John?
'Board!
But that's unheard of!
That's what lawyers are for!
- He says...
- Who says?
I don't know.
I naturally presumed it was her lawyer,
but he says she says she won't
have anything to do with lawyers.
- That's entirely irregular!
- Well, it's a thought.
I tell you,
I won't see any lawyers!
But these things
are always handled by lawyers.
This isn't going to be. This is
entirely between my husband and myself.
- Poppycock!
- What's the matter with you?
They want to make a settlement.
They'll give you half when you
leave for Reno...
and the balance at the end of six weeks.
Name your own price.
For once that we have a chance
to make some honest money...
Oh, tell him to go peel an eel!
I don't think you realize
the beauty of your situation.
You're holding a royal flush.
You've got him right by the ears.
You know, I had nothing to do
with this arrangement.
But now that you're in it,
you might as well go...
Will you let me speak
with Mr. Pike, please?
She's on the phone.
She wants to talk to Mr. Pike.
We can't allow that.
That's entirely irregular!
Shut up.
Will you talk to her?
I'll rot before
I'll talk to her.
- Mr. Pike, I advise you against
- Lay off!
Hello, Eve.
This is Horace talking.
Hello, darling. L...
I'm awfully sorry about
the trouble I've made you all.
I thought I had a reason, but now I...
Well... I just wanted
to tell you this.
I won't see any lawyers, because
there's nothing to see them about.
I don't want any money;
I don't want anything.
He can have back his jewelry
and anything else there is,
and I'll go to Reno
at my own expense.
I think that's only fair.
There's only one thing I want.
I want to see him first, and I...
I want him to ask me to be free.
That's all. No money, no nothing.
Only he has to come here
to ask me, because...
well, there's something
I want to say to him...
before we part.
Just a minute, Eve. All she wants is
for you to go to New York and ask her.
- It's a trick!
- Will you keep out of this?
Well, that's all she wants.
When can you go?
If she's waiting for me to ask her,
she can wait till Havana freezes over.
- Quite right.
- I'll have to call you back, Eve.
He just stepped out of the office
for a minute. I'll call you back.
Now you listen, you numbskull!
Go ahead and talk. I'm listening.
Hello? Yes, Horace.
I'm sorry, Eve.
He won't do it.
I thought it was
a pretty fair offer.
As a matter of fact,
I think you're a sucker to make it.
But he won't do it.
He seemed very bitter.
I'm sorry.
Oh, let me speak to him.
Please, Horace!
I don't think
he'd talk to you, Eve.
And anyway, he's gone
to say good-bye to his mother.
Where is he going?
No.
Thank you, Horace.
- Why, Hopsie!
- Hopsie?
Hopsie.
Jean!
I'm sorry, but if you knew
what it meant to me to find you again.
- Can we go to your cabin or someplace?
- Now just a minute.
Oh, Colonel,
I'm delighted to see you again.
We must play cards this trip.
Steward, some champagne for the colonel.
- Certainly, Mr. Pike.
- Come on.
You really haven't the right
to drag me off like this, Hopsie.
Are you sure we're on
the right boat, Sylvester?
Oh, why didn't you take me in your arms
that day? Why did you let me go?
Why did we have to go
through all this nonsense?
Don't you know you're
the only man I ever loved?
Don't you know I couldn't
look at another man if I wanted to?
Don't you know I waited
all my life for you, you big mug?
- Will you forgive me?
- For what? Oh, you mean on the boat.
The question is,
can you forgive me?
- What for?
- Oh, you still don't understand.
I don't want to understand.
I don't want to know. Whatever it is,
keep it to yourself.
All I know is, I adore you.
I'll never leave you again.
We'll work it out somehow.
There's just one thing.
I feel it's only fair to tell you.
It would never have happened
except she looked like you.
- I have no right to be in your cabin.
- Why?
- Because I'm married.
- But so am I, darling. So am I.
Positively the same dame!
Just a couple of flies, a sip of milk
and perhaps a pigeon's egg on Sundays.
I certainly will, Professor.
Keep her warm as you get farther north,
and let her out of her box to play.
I certainly will, Professor.
Tell Dr. Marzditz I have named
her Columbrina Marzditzia.
And this is only the beginning of
what I am bringing out when I come out.
I'll do that,
and I want to tell you...
I want to tell you how much I've enjoyed
being on this expedition with you.
If I had my way, this is the way
I'd like to spend all my time,
in the company of men like yourselves
in the pursuit of knowledge.
So long, Lulu.
I'll send you a postcard.
Good-bye, Charlie. If you get a chance
to come back, this is where we'll be.
Give my affectionate
salutations to your father.
Thank him for making the Pike expedition
possible and, I hope, a success.
- I will, Professor.
- Good-bye, my boy.
- Good-bye, Muggsy.
- So long. Don't take no wooden money.
- Good-bye, Sparky.
- Good-bye, Charlie.
- Bye, Mac.
- Good-bye, Charlie.
- Bye, boys.
- So long, "Sarlie. "
- So long, gang.
- So long, Muggsy.
Be careful of the traffic.
You haven't dodged any in a long time.
And be careful of the dames. You've
not dodged them for a long time either.
- You know me, Mac, nothing but reptiles.
- That's right, my boy.
Good-bye.
There he is!
You'd think he'd have a
bigger yacht than that if he's so rich.
- That isn't a yacht. That's a tender.
- What's a tender?
- I said Pabst.
- It was Pike.
- So what?
- Go put on your shorts.
- You can try.
- Mom, it makes me puke.
- Puke?
- No, Pike!
Go put on your peekaboo.
- Get down there and make it fast.
- Aye, aye, sir.
Gee, I hope he's rich.
I hope he thinks he's a wizard at cards.
From your lips to the ear
of the Almighty.
I hope he's got a fat wife so I don't
have to dance in the moonlight with him.
A sucker always steps
on your feet.
- A mug is a mug in everything.
- I don't see why I have to do the work.
There must be plenty of rich old dames
just waiting for you to push 'em around.
You find 'em.
I'll push 'em.
Would I like to see you giving some
old harpy the three-in-one.
- Don't be vulgar, Jean.
Let us be crooked but never common.
- Is he rich?
As the purser so picturesquely put it,
he's dripping with dough.
- He'd almost have to be to stop a boat.
- What does he own, Pike's Peak?
Oh, no, no. Pike's Pale,
"The ale that won for Yale. "
- I wonder if I could clunk him.
- Don't do that!
Hey!
- Two Pike's Pale.
- Now, wait a minute!
Six more Pike's Pale,
and make it snappy.
Are you trying to embarrass me?
We're all out of Pike's.
- Work 'em over on something else.
- They don't want nothin' else.
They want the ale that won for Yale.
Rah, rah, rah!
Well, tell 'em
to go to Harvard.
- Come on.
- How many times do I have to tell ya...
- Four Pike's Pale.
- Now listen!
- Not good enough.
- What'd you say?
I said they're not good enough for him.
EveryJane in the room...
is giving him the thermometer, and
he feels they're just a waste of time.
He's returning to his book.
He's deeply immersed in it.
He's sees no one except... Watch
his head turn when that kid goes by.
It won't do you any good, dear.
He's a bookworm, but swing 'em anyway.
Ah, how about this one?
How would you like that hanging
on your Christmas tree?
Oh, you wouldn't?
Well, what is your weakness, brother?
Holy smoke,
the dropped kerchief!
Hasn't been used since Lily Langtry.
You'll have to pick it up yourself.
It's a shame that he doesn't care
for the flesh. He'll never see it.
Look at that girl over to his left.
Look over to your left, bookworm.
There's a girl pining for you.
A little further.
Just a little further. There!
Wasn't that worth looking for?
See those nice teeth beaming at you?
Why, she recognizes you. She's up.
She's down. She can't make up her mind.
She's up again. She recognizes you.
She's coming over to speak to you.
The suspense is killing me.
Why, for heaven's sake,
Aren't you Fuzzy Oldhammer
I went to manual training school with?
You're not? You certainly look exactly
like him... a remarkable resemblance.
If you're not going to ask me to sit,
I suppose you're not going to ask me.
Sorry. I certainly hope I haven't
caused you any embarrassment.
I wonder if my tie's on straight.
I certainly upset them, don't I?
Who else? The lady champion wrestler.
Wouldn't she make a houseful?
You don't like her either.
What are you going to do about it?
You just can't stand it anymore.
You're leaving.
These women don't give you a moment's
peace, do they? Go sulk in your cabin.
Go soak your head
and see if I care!
I'm very sorry, sir.
That's all right.
- Why don't you look where you're going?
- Why don't I look?
- Look, you knocked the heel off.
- Oh, I did? I'm sorry.
You did, and you can take me right to
my cabin for another pair of slippers.
- The least I can do. My name's Pike.
- Everybody knows.
Nobody's talking about
anything else.
This is my father Colonel Harrington.
My name is Jean. It's really Eugenia.
- Funny our meeting like this, isn't it?
- Yes, isn't it?
- This is quite a cabin.
- Pretty cozy, isn't it?
- Holy Moses!
- What's the matter?
- That perfume.
- What's the matter with it?
It's just that I've been up the Amazon
for a year, and they don't use perfume.
Oh. The shoes are over here.
Because you were so polite, you can pick
them out and put them on if you like.
Push that side. There.
- Holy Moses!
- See anything you like?
The evening slippers are over there.
Those the ones you want?
Doesn't seem possible
for anybody to wear anything that size.
Oh, that's pretty.
You'll have to kneel down.
- I hope I didn't hurt you.
- Of course you didn't.
Don't you feel well?
Oh, I'm all right.
- What were you doing up the Amazon?
- Looking for snakes.
- I'm an ophiologist.
- I thought you were
in the beer business.
- Beer? Ale!
- What's the difference?
- Between beer and ale?
- Yes.
My father'd burst a blood vessel
if he heard you say that.
There's a big difference. Ale's sort
of fermented on the top or something.
And beer's fermented on the bottom.
Or maybe it's the other way around.
There's no similarity at all.
The trouble with being
descended from a brewer,
no matter how long ago he "brewed-ed"
or whatever you call it,
you're supposed to know all about
something you don't give a hoot about.
It's funny to be kneeling here
at your feet talking about beer.
You see, I don't like beer.
Bock beer, lager beer or steam beer.
- Don't you?
- I do not!
And I don't like pale ale, brown ale,
nut brown ale, porter or stout,
which makes me "ulp"
just to think about it.
Excuse me.
Wasn't enough, so everybody would
call me Hopsie ever since I was six.
- Hopsie Pike.
- Hello, Hopsie.
Make it, Charlie, will you?
All right, but there's something
kinda cute about Hopsie.
And when you get older,
I could call you Popsie. Hopsie Popsie.
That's all I'd need.
Here's a business I wouldn't mind.
I never realized how lovely it could be.
Oh, thank you.
We'd better get back now.
Yes, I guess so.
You see, where I've been... I mean,
up the Amazon, you kind of forget how...
I mean, when you haven't seen
a girl in a long time...
I mean, uh, there's something
about that perfume that...
- Don't you like my perfume?
- Like it? I'm cockeyed on it.
Why, Hopsie, you ought
to be kept in a cage.
The nerve of some people.
Ah, there you are.
It certainly took you long enough
to come back in the same outfit.
I'm lucky to have this on.
Mr. Pike has been up a river for a year.
- Now, look, I...
- Pay no attention to my daughter.
It always comes out
in the women of our family.
- The men are all missionaries,
with the exception of myself.
- And what an exception.
- Won't you have a drink with us?
- Just a brandy. You have it with me.
- Three brandies.
- Yes, sir.
Have you seen this one?
- Oh, he does card tricks!
- In a small way, of course.
Well, bless my soul.
Do that again, will you?
Amazing.
How do you do it?
You palm it in this hand. You grip it
in the palm of the hand like this.
- It takes a good deal of practice.
- I can well imagine it might.
Amazing. It's good I know who you are
or I wouldn't play cards with you.
Sir?
- You didn't really think that, uh...
- Oh, of course not, silly.
- You look as honest as we do.
- Three brandies.
- Washington and Valley Forge.
- Dewey and Manila.
Napoleon and Josephine.
- Say, how about a rubber of bridge?
- You're probably too good for us.
I don't have to play my best.
Besides, playing with you...
- would always be a pleasure.
- Aren't you sweet?
Who'll we get for a fourth?
Isn't there a three-handed game?
I seem vaguely to remember having...
Of course there is, and it'll be
much cozier. Will you shuffle?
- Well, I'll try.
- Every man for himself.
- I, uh, what?
- Um.
Oh. Well...
You go up the Amazon for a year,
and then you come out and meet you...
- I'll be a cockeyed cookie pusher!
- Ha!
- What's the matter now?
- Come on, deal them shingles.
You don't happen to have some beautiful
damsel pining for you, do you?
- That often explains it.
- Come on. Let's go.
- I really feel very guilty about this.
- Don't let it worry you.
It's a good thing we're not playing for
money, or I'd have you in bankruptcy.
- This last hand alone...
- Weren't we playing for money?
Of course not.
I never play for money.
We always play for money. Otherwise,
it's like swimming in an empty pool.
- Lf you count that last redouble, it's...
- Nonsense, my boy.
- At ten cents a point?
- At ten cents a point?
Purely nominal.
Now, let me see. Five, ten...
- You'll ruin us.
- Four ninety-eight. Roughly $500.
- Oh, wait a minute.
- Father's in the oil business.
It just keeps bubbling up
out of the ground.
- I thought with the title of colonel...
- Purely honorary.
- How much do I owe the sucker?
- Now, let me see. Two, four, six...
Who's that funny-looking
gink watching us?
- Everything on the up-and-up?
- Everything's okay. Go to bed.
I'm way ahead.
- All right.
- Who's that, your nurse?
That's Muggsy.
My father took him off a truck
when I was a kid to look out for me.
Kidnappers, stuff like that.
He's been sort of a bodyguard, governess
and a very bad valet ever since.
He saved my life once in a brawl.
- Roughly $100.
- That's rough enough.
- Since I had no understanding that...
- Don't worry. I'll get it back.
- Well, if that's a promise.
- You can depend upon it.
- I'll certainly feel better.
- You certainly will.
I think I'll toddle off...
and leave you young people to talk
about whatever young people talk about.
- I'm awfully sorry about this.
- Beeswax, my boy, beeswax.
- Good night, Jeanie.
- Good night, darling.
- He's a nice fellow, your father.
- He's a good card player too.
You think so?
I don't want to be rude,
- but he seemed a little uneven.
- He's more uneven sometimes than others.
That's what makes him uneven.
But now you, on the other hand,
with a little coaching,
you could be terrific.
- Do you really think so?
- Yes, you have a definite nose.
I'm glad you like it.
Do you like any of the rest of me?
Oh, what I meant was
in the card-playing sense...
I know what you meant.
I was just flirting with you.
Oh.
You're not going to faint,
are you?
Who, me?
Uh, it's that perfume.
Oh.
Do you think they're
dancing anyplace on board?
Don't you think
we ought to go to bed?
You're certainly a funny girl
for anybody to meet...
who's just been up
the Amazon for a year.
Good thing you weren't
up there two years.
Come on.
Good night.
- I'm afraid we're on the wrong deck.
- Isn't that a coincidence?
- For heaven's sake, here's my cabin.
- Fantastic!
Would you care to come in and see Emma?
That's a new one, isn't it?
- Shh. I don't want to wake her up.
- Wake who up?
- Emma.
- Emma? I thought that was just a gag.
Technically,
she's a Columbrina Marzditzia,
which seems to be a rare type
of Brazilian glass snake, which I'm...
- A snake!
- She seems to have got out again.
- She's out?
- Well, don't worry.
She's around here someplace.
- Let me out of here!
- Oh, don't be frightened.
She's as playful as a kitten.
You mustn't really...
Don't do that!
How's that going...
I'm sorry. I wouldn't have frightened
you for anything in the world.
- Why didn't you tell me...
- I thought you understood.
How could I understand? Why should
I suspect an apparently civilized man...
- Please.
- Oh. Look under the bed.
- How could she possibly get down here?
- Please!
- Oh, all right.
- Please.
- Oh!
- It's just a stocking.
If you see any more, just leave
them there. Now, look in the bed.
- In the bed? How could she possibly...
- Oh, go on now.
- You know how fast we came down,
i i
so you can magne...
- Oh!
It's nothing, but it might
have given you a shock.
- Nothing like a cold hot water bottle.
- Oh!
They would have had
to bury me at sea.
Come over here and sit down
beside me. Oh.
- Comfortable?
- Yes, very.
Oh, sorry.
Hold me tight.
Oh, you don't know
what you've done to me.
I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
I wouldn't have frightened you
for anything in the world.
I mean, if there's anyone
in the world I wouldn't have wanted to,
it's you.
You're very sweet.
Don't let me go.
Thank you.
How was everything up the Amazon?
A- All right, thank you.
What are you thinking about?
Nothing.
Are you always going
to be interested in snakes?
Well, snakes are my life in a way.
What a life.
Oh, I-I suppose
it does sound sort of silly.
I mean, I suppose I should have
married and settled down.
I imagine my father
always wanted me to.
As a matter of fact,
he's told me so rather plainly.
I just never cared
for the brewing business.
Oh. You say that's
why you've never married?
Oh, no. It's just that I...
I've never met her.
I suppose she's around
somewhere in the world.
It would be too bad
if you never bumped into each other.
Well...
I- I suppose you know
what she looks like and everything.
I think so.
I'll bet she looks like
Marguerite in Faust.
Oh, no, she isn't...
I mean, she hasn't...
She's not as bulky as an opera singer.
- Oh. How are her teeth?
- Huh?
You should always pick one out with
good teeth. It saves expense later.
- Oh, now you're kidding me.
- Not badly.
You have a right to have an ideal.
Oh, I guess we all have one.
What does yours look like?
He's a little short guy
with lots of money.
- Why short?
- What does it matter if he's rich?
It's so he'll look up to me,
so I'll be his ideal.
- That's a funny kind of reasoning.
- Well, look who's reasoning.
And when he takes me out to dinner,
he'll never add up the check.
And he won't smoke greasy cigars
or use grease on his hair, and...
- Oh, yes, he won't do card tricks.
- Oh!
Oh, it's not that I mind
your doing card tricks, Hopsie.
It's just that you naturally wouldn't
want your ideal to do card tricks.
I shouldn't think that kind of ideal
was so difficult to find.
Oh, he isn't.
That's why he's my ideal.
What's the sense of having one
if you can't ever find him?
Mine is a practical ideal...
you can find two or three of
in every barber shop getting the works.
Why don't you marry one of them?
Why should I marry
anybody that looked like that?
When I marry, it's going to be somebody
I've never seen before.
I won't know what he looks like or
where he'll come from or what he'll be.
I want him to sort of
take me by surprise.
Like a burglar.
That's right.
And the night will be
heavy with perfume,
and I'll hear a step behind me...
and somebody breathing heavily.
And then...
Oh!
Ohhh! You better go to bed, Hopsie.
I think I can sleep peacefully now.
I wish I could say the same.
Why, Hopsie!
Ah, good morning, Mr. Murgatroyd.
- I trust I see you full of sparkle.
- Morning.
- Have a dish of tea?
- I had my breakfast.
Where I come from
we get up in the morning.
And where did it get you?
Or is that a personal question?
- Where did it get me?
- Good morning, sir.
Fruit, cereal, bacon and eggs, eggs
and sausage, sausage and hot cakes,
hot cakes and ham, ham and eggs,
eggs and bacon, bacon and...
Give me a spoonful of milk,
a raw pigeon's egg and four houseflies.
If you can't catch any, I'll settle
for a cockroach. I'll be on deck.
- Did you get it?
- Close enough.
-
- There. Dunk your whiskers in that.
- How much you say you win last night?
- About $600.
- I'm going to try to lose it back.
- I don't get it.
- I lose 40 bucks to their valet,
and I figure the guy's a cutie.
- Because he took you?
Who do you think you are,
Houdini?
You don't have to be a whodunit
to tell a cold deck.
All you have to know
is the difference between hot and cold.
- That guy rung a cold deck in on me.
- Balderdash!
You're always suspicious
of everybody.
Remember the clergyman you said was a
pickpocket and he turned out a bishop?
- I still ain't so sure.
- The guy trying to slip you a mickey?
- Only he was taking aspirin.
- I ain't so sure about him neither.
I suppose you think this
gentleman and his daughter...
lost $600 to me just
so they could fleece me later.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Well, in the first place,
he happens to be Colonel Harrington,
a very important oil man.
In the second place,
I'm an expert card player.
I've been fooling with cards
all my life. I do tricks with cards.
They might know a couple of
tricks you ain't seen yet.
What's the matter?
Oh, I'm sorry.
That slimy snake.
- I've been dreaming about him all night.
- You mean Pike?
No, his reptile.
He travels with a snake act.
He's a... He's an ophi...
Oh, I don't know.
He likes snakes.
You mean he isn't
in the beer business?
He's in the ale business.
It seems there's a very big difference.
You had me worried. I thought
we'd sweetened the wrong kitty.
Oh, no, he's the real McPike. Hmm.
- That poor sap. That card trick.
- Tragic.
- What are you dealing?
- Fifths.
- Like heck you're dealing fifths.
- Want to bet?
Do it again.
Now let me see the aces.
Hmm.
Now, let me see them.
- I don't believe it.
- It's just virtuosity.
- Harry.
- Yes, darling?
Tell me my fortune.
Good morning.
Thank you for the roses.
Gee, you look pretty.
I hope you slept well.
I'm still a little jumpy.
How is that, uh, Emma?
- She's just having breakfast.
- What does she eat? Don't tell me.
No, I won't.
I hope you didn't mind
my asking you to breakfast.
It wouldn't be polite
if I said I did, would it?
- No, I don't suppose it would.
- And it wouldn't be true either.
You have the darnedest way of bumping
a fellow down and bouncing him up again.
- And then bumping him down again.
- Oh.
I could imagine life with you
being a series of ups and downs,
lights and shadows, some irritation,
but very much happiness.
Why, Hopsie!
Are you proposing to me so soon?
- No, of course not. I'm just...
- Then you ought to be more careful.
- People have been sued for much less.
- Not by girls like you.
Don't you know it's dangerous to trust
people you don't know very well?
- Well, I know you very well.
- People you haven't known very long.
Oh, I've known you
a long time in a way.
Breakfast, sir?
- What did you say?
- I said breakfast, sir?
Two scotch and sodas with plain water.
You take it plain, don't you?
- Don't you take cream and sugar in it?
- No, I always drink it black.
Oh.
- Say, what am I talking about?
- That's what I was wondering.
How about a nice bicarbonate of soda
with an egg in it? It does wonders.
He doesn't understand.
- Want the strippers on the right?
- I hardly need them, Gerald.
- I can take this boy with a deck.
- Just to be on the safe side.
- High card cuts on the outside,
cold hands in the middle.
- Cold hands I love
Blue readers on the outside,
red nearest the heart.
- I could play the whole ship with these.
- Hello, Harry. Hello, Gerald.
- Hello, Jean.
- Greetings, my little minx.
I hope I find you well and that
your little pal hasn't fallen overboard.
- With our $600.
- He's jut gone to dress for dinner.
You'd better do the same, because
we are going to play cards tonight.
- And I don't mean "old maid. "
- I think Charles is in love with me.
- No!
- Of course he's in love with you.
Who is he not to be in love with you who
have beautified the North Atlantic?
- Better men than he...
- I mean on the level.
- The others were on the bias?
- Oh, stop kidding.
I'm not kidding. I was never more
delighted. You have as usual taken...
- You don't get the point. I like him.
- Why shouldn't you like him?
There's as fine a specimen of the sucker
sapiens as I've have ever seen.
- There's a man who does card tricks!
- I think he's going to ask me
to marry him.
- No!
- No!
- Yes.
- That's wonderful, Jean.
No wonder you're blushing.
And that fortunate young man.
- Fortunate, indeed.
- Can't you hear his pulses pounding?
His ears must be ringing
like telephone bells.
His hands are clammy
with excitement.
He won't know an ace
from a deuce.
- You weren't thinking of taking him?
- What were you thinking of?
I don't think you understand,
either of you.
This is on the up-and-up.
I- I think I'm in love
with the poor fish, snakes and all.
He's... Oh, I don't know.
He's kind of touched
something in my heart.
And I'd give a lot to be...
Well, I mean, I'm going
to be exactly the way he thinks I am.
- The way he'd like me to be.
- I'm sure that's very noble, Jean.
And I wish you all
the happiness in the world,
- All the boys and girls you want.
- You'll go straight too?
- Straight to where?
- You know what I mean.
You can come and live with us. You too,
Gerald. Well, part of the time anyway.
We'll probably have a beautiful place.
And think how peaceful you can be.
Playing cribbage with Gerald. I can see
myself roaming around your estate...
with a weedsticker, 50 cents a week and
a pair of new slippers for Christmas.
The trouble with people who reform
is they want to rain
on everybody else's parade.
- Tend to knitting. I'll play cards.
- Not with him.
- Remember that sucker has $500 of ours?
- Six hundred.
I suppose you could take that back.
- You bet I could,
and a little dividend along with it.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
- You'll find I can play a cards myself.
- You think so?
- I'm not your daughter for free.
Give me a pack of those.
You'll find out.
Children don't respect
their parents anymore.
I haven't been quite as lucky tonight
as usual, have I?
You don't know how lucky. The colonel
has been drawing wonderful cards.
- I believe it's my deal.
- I haven't got my mind on the game.
I noticed that.
How much are you behind?
Oh, about $3,000.
Well, well, well.
You've given me a good hand at last.
I'm glad you like it.
You'll have to be pretty good
to beat me. I'll open for 100.
Nevertheless,
I'll raise you 100.
Too good for me.
I'm afraid I'll have
to raise you 100.
Well, you must have
something pretty good.
Still...
Excuse me.
Still...
I'll raise you 100.
Sorry to see you lose your money, but I
can't let that challenge go unanswered.
And 100.
Well, you're making me very nervous.
But I must raise you 200.
A Pike doesn't know
the meaning of the word "fear. "
And 100.
A Harrington doesn't know
the meaning of the word "defeat. "
And 200.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I thought I'd given you six cards.
Far from it, my little minx.
Far from it.
- And 100.
- I wonder if I have enough money.
Oh, yes, plenty, plenty.
I'll raise you 1,000.
I don't want to win so much from you,
but I'll call you just
to show you how hopeless it is.
Cards?
Not unless you have
another queen, which I doubt.
Well, I'll see what I can do.
What do you know about that?
I thought at least
one of you had four aces.
I'll check my four queens.
What have you?
I regret to say
that I was bluffing.
Spare me the shame
of showing you on what.
Oh, say, I'm embarrassed.
- Maybe I should have laid my cards down.
- You don't think he minds?
Father loves to lose.
How do you stand now?
Oh, just about $1,000 behind.
You're going to stop right there.
I'll meet you on a-deck in five minutes.
But I want your word of honor
that you won't play even one more hand.
You have it.
Know any more games, Harry?
Wonderful girl.
Yes, isn't she?
I, uh...
I don't know whether
you noticed, but, uh...
If you have no objections,
it was...
It was my intention to,
uh, ask Miss Harrington...
I mean, your daughter... to, uh,
be mine.
Why, my dear boy!
You see me astonished!
Why, that was the last thing
that entered my mind.
Bless my soul. We must have a drink
on that. Steward, two drinks.
- Well, I'm all emotional.
- Thank you, sir.
To say that I am thunderstruck
is an understatement.
She'll probably turn you down,
but anyway...
- I intend to make her as happy as I can.
- She asks very little.
- I suppose you know I'm very rich.
- Aren't we all?
I'm sorry in a way because
it would be so pleasant...
to buy lovely "nonsensities"
for somebody who'd never had them.
Wouldn't it? That's the tragedy
of the rich. They don't need anything.
As a matter of fact, Charles, I don't
even like winning $1,000 from you...
Oh, my dear sir,
it isn't a drop in the ocean.
Why, every time the clock ticks,
14 people swig a bottle of Pike.
I don't know why,
but there you are.
It's the principle
of the thing that bothers me.
A father who wins from his own
son-in-law, how does that look?
Here, let's wipe out that 1,000.
Double or nothing.
Well, I promised Jean
I wouldn't play anymore.
This isn't playing.
This is undoing an absurdity.
Here, $1,000.
High card takes it. Go ahead.
Why... Well...
Darn it all.
Now we'll have to try again.
- That's 2,000 I owe you.
- For the moment.
I wish you wouldn't do that.
I'm sure if you tried once more...
No, thanks. I'd rather pay 32,000
than lose a really large amount.
This is very embarrassing.
Just make it out to cash.
It could be even
more embarrassing.
Thirty-two thousand...
dollars...
and no cents.
Uh, don't mention the middle name.
I wouldn't wantJean to know it.
As a matter of fact,
I'd prefer if you wouldn't tell Jean
anything about the whole transaction.
- You may depend upon it.
- You certainly may!
- You promised you wouldn't play anymore.
- We didn't play anymore, Jean.
- We... We were just wiping out my loss.
- You need a keeper!
Now that you've taught Charles
not to play "double or nothing,"
- what are you Gonna do with that check?
- Just this, my pretty child.
You mean it was just a joke?
Why, of course.
You don't actually think I'd bleed
my own daughter's friend, do you?
Perish the thought!
Come on!
Good night.
Your check, sir.
That was a terrible lesson
the colonel almost taught me.
- Yeah, he's a great joker.
- He certainly had me fooled.
- Gee, you look lovely.
- Thank you.
I, uh... I spoke to your father
about something.
Did you?
Yes.
Would you like to go up in the bow
of the boat and stand in the wind?
I'd love to.
The air is good, isn't it? It makes
you feel all clean inside and nice.
- Don't move.
- What?
I've just understood something.
Every time I've looked at you here on
the boat, it wasn't only here I saw you.
You seemed to go way back.
I know that isn't clear,
but I saw you here, and at the same time
further away, then still further away;
and then very small,
like converging perspective lines.
That isn't it. It's like... like people
following each other in a forest glade.
Only way back there you're a little girl
with a short dress and your hair...
falling to your shoulders, and a little
boy is standing, holding your hand.
In the middle distance,
I'm still with you,
not holding your hand anymore
because it isn't manly, but wanting to.
And then still further,
we look terrible.
You with your legs like
a colt and mine like a calf.
What I'm trying to say is... only
I'm not a poet, I'm an ophiologist...
I've always loved you.
I mean, I've never loved anyone but you.
I know that sounds dull
as a drugstore novel,
and what I see inside
I'll never be able to cast into words,
but that's what I mean.
I wish we were married
and on our honeymoon now.
So do I. But it isn't
as simple as all that, Hopsie.
I'm terribly in love,
and you seem to be too.
So one of us has to think
and try and keep things clear.
Maybe I can do that better
than you can.
They say a moonlit deck
is a woman's business office.
- Are you the purser?
- Just a moment. Mr. Klink, please.
- You the purser?
- Yes. What is it, please?
I want to ask you
a "hypothermical" question.
- Maybe that would be better
to ask the doctor.
- Never mind the wisecracks.
What I want the dope on is, if there
happened to be card sharks on this tub...
Shh! Not so loud, please. In
the first place, there isn't any, and...
- Could you prove it if there was?
- A passenger is a passenger, my friend.
If he pays for his ticket and
doesn't steal the ship's towels,
who are we to go slandering him?
You don't happen to be a mouthpiece?
You talk like a law school.
I was admitted to the BAR,
if that's what you're talking about.
The drinks are on you.
I watch out for the kid, the Pike kid.
I watch out for him,
and you're gonna watch out for him,
or you'll be right on the beach
sellin' popcorn.
His old man knows your president.
A wire from me is all it takes.
When old man Pike goes into action,
you'll be in the side pocket.
- All I gotta do...
- You needn't try to intimidate me, Mr...
- Murgatroyd to you.
- Troygamoyd.
If I should discover that Mr. Pike
was in any danger of being swindled,
I might have some photographs...
confidential, of course...
of some of the better known
alleged professional card players.
Not that I admit there are any
on this ship. You understand?
Naw, they're swimming
alongside in the water.
Come in.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Harry.
- Think you're pretty smart, don't you?
- You know I had to.
You're such an old scoundrel.
You'd skin me if you had the chance.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Are you really in love with this mug?
- Uh-huh.
Don't you think it a little dangerous?
I don't mean for us, for your heart.
They're apt to be slightly
narrow-minded, these righteous people.
A man who couldn't forgive
wouldn't be much of a man.
What about his family?
You're going to tell him
who we are before you marry him?
- I presume he's offered you marriage.
- Of course he did.
- And you're going to tell him?
- Of course.
But you're not going to tell him
till you get off the boat.
You'd have to be fair
to Gerald and to me.
Naturally.
I hope you'll never be unhappy.
I hope I'll never be more unhappy
than I am right now.
- He's waiting for you?
- Uh-huh.
- And you're in a hurry to get to him?
- Uh-huh!
Then I'll leave you.
Good morning.
- Oh, what do you want?
- How much did you lose last night?
- Nothing. Why?
- You see?
There's something screwy somewhere.
This is a gang of sharpies.
Sherlock Holmes!
What's the matter, did you lose?
- The guy lets me win a few fish.
- So you get twice as suspicious?
- That's right?
- You ought to put handles on that skull.
- Maybe you could grow geraniums in it.
- Yeah?
Well, get a load of this and see
what you can grow in it. Gratitude!
That's what you get
for savin' a guy's life.
Philo Vance!
If you didn't lose any money last night,
I would prefer you didn't look in there.
- I didn't lose any.
- There's only one other possibility.
They might be aiming
at higher game.
What are you talking about?
You haven't fallen in love,
have you?
What's it got to do with you?
Look at the photograph. I'll take
the consequences. Good morning, sir.
- Straight scotch.
- Yes, sir.
Why, Hopsie! What
are you doing at the bar at this hour?
- Good morning.
- Morning, darling.
You look like the last grave
over near the willow.
Are you worried about something?
- Should I be?
- Of course you should,
falling in love with a girl
in the middle of an ocean.
You see, Hopsie,
you don't know very much about girls.
The best ones aren't as good
as you probably think they are,
and the bad ones
aren't as bad.
Not nearly as bad.
You're right to worry, falling in love
with an adventuress on the high seas.
- Are you an adventuress?
- All women are. They have to be.
If you waited for a man to propose,
you'd die of old maidenhood.
That's why I let you try my slippers on,
and then I put my cheek against yours;
then I made you put
your arms around me,
and then I...
I fell in love with you,
which wasn't in the cards.
- Jean.
- Yes, darling?
What's that?
You'd better look.
Rotten likeness, isn't it?
I never cared for that picture.
Good morning. Breakfast?
Melon, grapefruit, orange juice?
- Just some coffee, please.
- Yes, indeed.
Please don't look so upset. I was going
to tell you when we got to New York.
I would have told you, only it wouldn't
have been fair to Harry and Gerald.
You never know how someone's
going to take things like that.
And... well...
maybe I wanted you to love me
a little more too.
You believe me, don't you?
You don't think I was going to marry you
without telling you?
You don't think that badly of me.
Or do you?
Why didn't you let your father
rob me last night?
If you didn't believe what I just told
you, you wouldn't believe that either.
You wouldn't understand.
Anyway, I'm...
I'm glad you got the picture
this morning instead of last night,
if that means anything to you.
It should.
You thought you were having
a lot of fun with me, didn't you?
L...
I was having a lot of fun
with you, Hopsie.
More fun than I've ever
had with anybody.
You were certainly very funny
showing Harry how to palm a card.
- You were pretty funny yourself.
- When?
Trying to play me for a sucker
when they told me who you were
the morning after I met you.
- Who told you?
- Never mind who told me.
You mean you were playing me
for a sucker?
I don't believe it.
But if you were...
If you were just trying
to make me feel cheap and hurt me,
you succeeded handsomely.
You ought to be very proud
of yourself, Mr. Pike.
Very proud of yourself.
Your coffee, miss!
There, there, there.
My gracious! You know you shouldn't
draw to an inside straight.
I hate that mug. I hate him!
There, there.
When I think we let that sucker off
scot-free, it makes my blood boil!
- I told you not to mix business.
- I won't again, believe me.
- "Scot-free" is perhaps an exaggeration.
- Hmm?
How did you do it?
Don't you remember he showed me
how to palm things?
With two strokes of a hot iron,
it'll come out like new.
I feel a lot better already.
Come on, baby! Roll,
you sweet pappy! Roll them heels!
- He took it too wide.
- He'll be all right.
- In a pig's neck, he'll be all right.
- Come on, pappy!
- Pappy needs them pennies!
- Keep it down to a riot!
Oh, baby, don't do that!
What I can't understand
is how he finished fifth!
There were only
five horses in the race.
What do you expect when you bet
on a goat called "After You"?
Pardon me,
but is this seat taken?
My dear Harry!
Bless my soul!
- William at the moment.
- William, of course.
I'm enchanted to see you again,
My dear William. And you, Gerald.
- And the lady pretty as a pack of aces.
- Hello, Pearlie.
Sir Alfred at the moment,
my pretty child.
Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith
at your service.
You're certainly a sight
for lame peepers. I've seen nobody,
absolutely not a soul in our set,
since the boat stopped running.
- What's your pitch, Pearlie?
- Sir Alfred.
I have a little nest on the edge
of a town called Bridgefield,
a town that's
full of millionaires.
It's in the heart of the contract
bridge belt, a wonderful game!
- Bridgefield, Connecticut?
- Precisely. I have my dogs.
I have my horses. I have
my little house. I have my antiques.
We play a little game here and a little
game there, then we play somewhere else.
Sometimes my luck is good.
Sometimes my luck is better.
- One thing and another, what a dream!
- How do you meet them?
The chumps? When one's name
is Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith, R.F.D.,
one doesn't have to meet them.
One fights them off with sticks. Then
again, just think, there's no hurry!
- You have them by the year like a lease.
- Ah, Pearlie.
- Tell me, do you know the Pikes?
- What do you care if he does?
Oh, do I know them?
I positively swill in their ale.
Good old Horace.
What a card player.
Do you know Charles?
Is he the tall, backward boy who's
always toying with toads and things?
- I think I have seen him skulking about.
- He isn't backward.
- He's a scientist.
- Oh, is that what it was?
I knew he was... peculiar.
Well, it's charming to have seen you
again. Now, what have we in the fifth?
- Say, Pearlie.
- Yeah?
- Could I visit you sometime?
- Could you visit me sometime?
- As your niece.
- As my niece?
My dear girl,
you have to be English.
I've been English before.
I shall be as English as necessary.
Why don't you stop talking nonsense?
Because I want to see that guy.
I've got some unfinished
business with him.
I need him like the axe
needs the turkey!
Better go make your bets.
Come, landlord
fill the flowing bowl
Until it doth run over
For tonight
we'll merry, merry be
For tonight
we'll merry, merry be
For tonight
we'll merry, merry be
Tomorrow we'll be sober
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
Black tie or white tie?
You can wear a green one for all I care.
What party is that?
Who's giving it?
Oh! We are!
Well, it's funny they wouldn't
say something to me about it.
Yeah,
this is Mr. Pike speaking. Mr. Who?
I don't get it. I'll probably
meet you at the party tonight anyhow.
By the way, what time is it? Thanks.
Nuthouse.
Hey, where is everybody?
Where's my breakfast?
"Crest: A lion couchant gardant or...
holding between the paws an escutcheon
sable charged with a cock proper.
Motto: Hyphen sic erat in fatis. "
- Here, you do it.
- Nonsense! It's perfectly simple.
Second or third, a fesse dancette,
between three crosses crosslet.
- Crosses crosslet.
- That's right.
- Horses horselet!
- Emile!
- Nutzes nutslet! Wit gules!
- Remember who you are!
- Yes, sir?
- When do I eat?
- They must have overlooked you.
I'll get you something right away.
- It's about time.
- You'll regret this day, my lad!
- Fusils!
- Oh, that's all very well.
- Fitchee! Fitchee!
- Where's the snake food?
- Oh, get it yourself, Ambrose!
Lay off the Ambrose.
Why didn't you shave in your room?
- Keep your remarks to yourself.
- What's the matter with him?
- Fitchee!
- Where's the snake food?
- In the icebox.
Where do you think it is?
- What's the matter with everybody?
- The master's breakfast, please.
- You can take it up with somebody else.
What did I do?
Hey, you!
- Huh?
- Come here.
While you're inside...
No speak.
Ohhh!
If that's the knife sharpener,
take him around to the back.
Yes, ma'am.
You just sit there,
and I'll be back before you can say...
- Piano?
- What do you want?
- Where's the piano, kindly?
- Where do you think it is?
- I'll show you.
- And don't forget to come back.
- Say, Burrows.
- Yes, sir. Good morning, sir.
- You haven't seen a little
brown crotalis colobrinus, have you?
- With pink spots.
I rejoice to say
that I have not, sir.
That's all I'd be needing
this morning.
Thank you, sir.
Okay. And try
and keep off the grass.
Next!
Where'd you get that thing?
- Good evening, my man.
- How are you?
- Uh...
- Come on, lady.
We're holding up the traffic.
Come, my dear.
Right you are, Glenny. Coming.
And keep off the grass. Next!
Just here, Your Ladyship.
- Good evening, Burrows. Yeah.
- Sir Alfred.
- Your Ladyship.
- Your Ladyship.
Your Ladyship.
The Lady Eve Sidwich...
and Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith.
- Welcome, my dear.
- Good evening.
- Sir Alfred.
- Hello, hello, hello!
How are you, Glenny?
Glad to see you, you old rascal.
- Horace, my lad.
My niece Lady Sidwich.
- How do you do?
Well, this is a surprise, miss, uh...
Say, what do I call you?
Well, Horace,
I should think you'd know.
Oh, please.
Just call me Eve.
Just plain Eve.
Isn't that wonderful?
You're just the kind of a girl
I've been looking for all my life.
- We'll get this over with quick,
and you and I will have a little drink.
- Ripping!
Just the word for it. Come on.
I hope Horace won't
frighten her to death.
- How long has she been in America?
- Three days.
- Three days,
and to meet Horace right away.
- Oh, I don't know.
How did she come over?
I didn't know the boats were running.
- A battleship.
- A battleship?
- Well, actually, a cruiser.
- But then she must be very, very...
- Oh, very!
- Well!
Oh, dear!
Naturally, I was frightfully anxious
to see Uncle Alfred,
and as I didn't know
just where Connect-i-cut was...
I took the tube.
The subway.
And to the official, I said, " Be so good
as to let me off at Connect-i-cut. "
You see, I thought
we'd have the boxes...
sent up on a dray
later that afternoon.
- The what?
- Trunks on a truck.
So he said, " Lady,
I don't know where Connect-i-cut is,
but this train goes to Harlem. "
But I don't know how
he knew I was a lady!
So I said, " Do you think
I'd do better on a tram?"
And he said,
"Well, now, uh... you couldn't do worse. "
So I thanked him
and returned to the street.
Oh, but I must say
I felt an awful fool!
- Then how did you get here?
- I took a taxi.
- From New York?
- Oh, yes!
Oh, Charlie,
I want you to meet Lady Eve Sidwich.
- How do you do?
- Go on.
The chauffeur said it wasn't far,
so I said, "Very well. "
- But the city seemed enormous!
- At 20 cents a mile!
- Isn't your son feeling well?
- What's the matter with you?
Well... I mean to say, uh...
haven't we met?
But of course we have!
Your father just introduced us.
- Aren't you feeling well?
- Uh... sure.
Oh, I'm so sorry. You meant,
hadn't you met me before someplace.
- Yes.
- Very probably. Let me see.
Where could it have been?
- Deauville? Biarritz?
- No. No.
I know! Le Touquet!
You had a moustache at the time,
and you tried to meet me in the casino.
- No.
- Huh. I give up.
Let's have a drink.
It couldn't have been
on the S.S. Southern Queen between here
and South America, could it?
Oh, I'm afraid not. You see,
I've never been in South America.
You've never been
in South America?
She's never been
in South America.
As a matter of fact,
I've never been in North America
until about three days ago.
Oh, you haven't? Well,
you weren't on the S.S. Southern Queen.
Say, what's the matter with you?
Oh, uh... I'm sorry.
Oh! Were you in love with her?
He was in love with her, but
he don't remember what she looked like.
Don't let them tease you.
You can tell me all about her.
Well, on some days my son
seems brighter than others.
Well, I don't know
what she looked like,
but if she looked
anything like you, here's to her.
Thank you.
It was a white one
with enormous teeth!
- Dinner is served, madam.
- Thank you, Burrows. Dinner, Horace.
Oh. Come on.
Let's put on the feed bag.
Take my arm, and we'll
fight our way through.
Charming. Simply charming.
- Did you hurt yourself?
- No, I'm fine.
- Oh.
- I just...
You haven't been hitting
the bottle lately, have you?
- Of course he hasn't.
Anybody's apt to trip.
- Not over a sofa.
That sofa's been there for 15 years,
and no one ever fell over it before.
Oh, well,
now the ice is broken.
You go upstairs and take a bath,
and I'll like you just as much as ever.
There's a good boy.
Toodle-oo!
So long.
Oh!
That's the same dame. She looks
the same, she walks the same...
and she's tossing you
just like she done the last time.
- She doesn't talk the same.
- Anybody can put on an act.
Guess who I am.
- Weren't her eyes closer together?
- They were not.
They were right where they are,
on each side of her nose.
- Why should she do it?
- I don't know. Maybe she wants you
to fall for her again.
- Do I look that dumb?
- You wouldn't be the first one.
I knew a guy married
the same dame three times,
then turned around
and married her aunt.
- No.
- Huh?
- They look too much alike.
- You said it. There couldn't be two...
They look too much alike
to be the same.
That's what I've been telling you.
They... Huh?
If she came here with her hair
dyed yellow and eyebrows different or...
What's hair to a skirt?
I used to go with a little Eskimo dame...
She didn't dye her hair, and she didn't
pretend she'd never seen me before.
- She says I look familiar.
- Why shouldn't you?
Because if I did,
she wouldn't admit it.
If she didn't look so exactly like
the other girl, I might be suspicious.
You don't understand psychology.
If you wanted to pretend
you were someone else,
you'd glue a muff on your chin,
and the dog wouldn't even bark at you.
You tryin' to tell me this ain't
the same rib was on the boat?
She even wears the same perfume!
I don't know.
It's the same dame.
Oh, there he is!
I had to change my coat.
Well, don't knock the table over.
- All right now?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks.
Happens to the best of us, you know.
I remember a night in Bombay.
Have you ever been in Bombay?
- You're just there.
- I've been in Egypt.
I remember a night in Egypt.
I was with a small party of friends,
and one day, while
shooting crocodiles...
- You missed some very nice soup.
- That's too bad.
- The fish was a poem.
- That's fine.
Did you hear how the Lady Eve
got to this country?
- How?
- You must promise not to tell a soul.
- I won't.
- In a submarine.
No! Is that so?
Do you know that I find your son
very handsome?
- No! Hmm!
- Yes, quite.
- What's this?
- Why don't you look
where you're goin'?
Why don't you keep your nose
out of other people's business?
- Quiet!
- For two cents, I'd smack you right...
- Oh, pish tush!
- Bah!
Why don't you look where...
Here, give me that.
- What do you mean?
- Come on!
So the deaf man said,
"What did you say?"
And the other passenger said...
"I hear you buried your wife. "
So the deaf man said,
"I didn't quite hear you. "
Oh.
Over here.
What do you think you're doing
in the dining room?
- What does it look like I'm doing?
- Tsk.
- So sorry, sir.
- It's about time.
And then the other
passenger said...
Come on. Ladies first.
I'm so sorry.
I thought he was passing it to me.
Go on.
Will you throw that roughneck
out of here, or will I have to?
With enthusiasm, sir.
That's the same dame.
I can tell by the way...
- I'll take over from here,
Mr. Murgatroyd.
- You and who else?
- I said, I'll take over
from here, Ambrose.
- "Ambrose"?
I said I'll take over.
I said I'll take over from here.
You have no right in this room.
Well, I'll be!
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
Excuse me.
Oh, dear! Again?
Why don't you put on
a bathing suit?
And then the countryman said,
"But dash it all, mister.
"If I muss the moss,
I'll miss the mass.
And I've never been
behind before, besides. "
It was absolutely priceless!
- Ripping!
- You mean top-hole.
There you are, laddie, and very nice
too. Did you purchase it locally?
It's the last one. Anything happens
to this, I'll have to wear a bath towel.
Oh, don't let it depress you, laddie.
Worse things happen
in the best families.
I remember an incident
in Calcutta...
I hope your niece
doesn't think I'm a half-wit.
Oh, bumble-puppy! Why, she's used
to having young men fall for her.
You know, I think that's
rather neat for a nobleman.
- It's just that this girl on the boat...
- There was a girl on a boat?
- She looked
so exactly like your niece...
- Shhh!
Did she have the McGlennan eyes?
The cornflower blue?
- I think so.
- You must never mention
a word of this to a soul.
- What do you mean?
- You're rattling the skeleton.
I'm afraid you've stumbled on the sorrow
of Sidwich, the secret of the century.
- I don't quite follow.
- Meet me in yonder window embrasure,
and look as though
you know nothing.
Shhh. You see, the earl
was considerably older than her mama,
who must never
be mentioned again.
- Oh.
- It was a sort of May/November romance.
Even a March/December,
if you follow me.
Shhh! She'd die of shame
if she thought I told you,
except that she doesn't
know it herself.
You see, into the gulf that separated
this unfortunate couple...
there was a coachman
on the estate, a gay dog.
- A great hand with horses and ladies.
- A coachman?
- Yes. A man who drives horses.
- I know what a coachman is.
- They called him "Handsome Harry. "
- Handsome Harry?
- Shhh!
- The father of the girl on the boat.
Of course. The father of the other
child. After the divorce, of course.
- But they looked exactly alike.
- We must close our minds to that fact.
It brings up the dreadful,
unfounded suspicion...
we must carry to our tombs,
as it is utterly untenable,
that the coachman
in both instances... need I say more?
- He did! I mean, he was!
- Shhh!
Do you want to bring the walls
tumbling down about our ears?
Silence to the grave,
and even beyond.
Oh, there you are
in your nice white coat.
Would you like to come
and talk to me?
I certainly would.
- And I want to apologize
for seeming clumsy.
- Oh, that's quite all right.
As a matter of fact,
I rather enjoyed it.
I'm not that way all the time.
Of course you're not.
Now where should we go?
- Oh, there's a conservatory.
- Jolly. Ooh!
- What's the matter?
- Oh, I'm caught.
I'm glad it's not my fault this time.
There you are.
All clear.
Entirely disgraceful. I've never seen
such a farce in a respectable house.
If I didn't hate him so much,
I would've felt sorry for him.
He certainly took
some nice falls.
And he's gonna take
a lot more too.
Do you know why
he didn't recognize me?
- Yes.
- No, you don't.
I hardly recognized him myself.
He seemed shorter and bonier.
It's because we don't
love each other anymore.
You see, on the boat we had
an awful yen for each other,
so I saw him as very tall
and very handsome.
He probably thought I had big
melting eyes and a rosebud mouth...
and a figure like Miss Long Beach,
the dream of the fleet.
So you have, for that matter.
But I took the further precaution
of telling him the plot...
of"Cecelia, "or "The Coachman's
Daughter, "a gaslight melodrama.
- No!
- Yes.
I've got to protect myself.
I've got a shouting interest round here.
So I filled him full of handsome
coachmen, elderly earls...
young wives and the two little girls
who looked exactly alike.
You mean he actually
swallowed that?
Like a wolf. Well, now you've got him,
what're you gonna do with him?
Finish what I started.
I'm going to dine with him,
dance with him,
swim with him,
laugh at his jokes,
canoodle with him,
and then one day
about six weeks from now...
Some red roses for Your Ladyship.
- Who could they be from?
- Mr. Charles Pike, Your Ladyship.
Oh, the brewer's son.
Oh, rather long, aren't they?
- Just pop them in the umbrella stand.
- Very good, milady.
Thank you.
I'll probably talk like
a cockeyed duchess the rest of my life.
It won't even take six weeks.
One day about two weeks
from now, we'll be riding in the hills,
past waterfalls
and mountain greenery,
up and down ravines and around
through vine-covered trails...
till we come to a spot where
the scenery will be so gorgeous,
it will rise up and smite me
on the head like a hammer.
And the sunset
will be so beautiful,
I'll have to get off my horse
to admire it.
And as I stand there against
the glory of Mother Nature,
my horse will steal up behind me
and nuzzle my hair.
And so will Charles, the heel.
- Stop that!
- Must I?
- Oh, sorry.
I thought it was the horse.
- No, it was me.
- Eve?
- Yes, Charles?
I suppose you know
what I'm thinking about.
Possibly I have an idea.
The union of two people for life...
that is, marriage...
shouldn't be taken lightly.
How wise you are!
Men are more careful in choosing a
tailor than they are in choosing a wife.
That's probably
why they look so funny.
No, they're more careful in choosing
a tailor than in choosing a wife.
- Oh. But not you, Charles.
- That's right.
I think that if there's
one time in your life to be careful,
to weigh every pro and con,
that this is the time.
Oh, yes, you...
You can't be too careful.
That's right.
Now, you might think that having
known you such a short time...
I... I feel
I've known you always.
That's the way
I feel about you.
I don't just see you here
in front of the sunset,
but you seem to go way back.
I see you here and,
at the same time,
further away and still further away
and way, way back...
in a long place like a...
like a forest glade?
That's right.
How did you guess?
Because that's where I see you always.
We held hands way, way back.
That's remarkable.
That's like telepathy.
Ohh. I can read
many of your thoughts.
Well, then I need hardly
tell you of the doubts I've had...
before I brought myself
to speak like this.
You see, Eve,
you're so beautiful.
You're so fine. You're so...
I don't deserve you.
Oh, but you do, Charles.
If anybody ever deserved me,
you do... so richly.
- Eve.
- Charles.
But you can't do that!
You'll get us all into trouble!
You'll jeopardize what has
taken me years to build up!
I'll certainly
telephone your father.
Did she look pretty?
She did, eh?
Well, thanks, Pearlie.
Very depressing having your own
daughter married, and not be there.
- Especially under an assumed name.
Is that legal?
- Seems to be.
Women change their names so much anyway,
it doesn't seem to matter.
- But why did she do it?
- Maybe to teach him a lesson.
How? All she said is:
"You'll see. Wait till the time comes,
and it won't be long now. "
And now she's honeymooning
on a train with a man she hates.
- Maybe she's going to shoot him.
- She's afraid of guns.
Maybe she's going to push him
out of the window.
No. You can't open
a window on a train.
Come in.
- Hello.
- Hello.
It's cozy, isn't it?
Ohhh, you poor darling!
Oh, did you hurt yourself?
- Oh, put it right there.
- It's all right.
Oh, come sit down.
Oh, poor darling.
Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
What are you laughing at?
Oh, it's nothing, darling.
It's just that it's so different.
- It reminds me of that other time.
- What time was that?
Oh, I must be a little bit hysterical.
You see, we didn't have any money,
so we went third class,
and there was a farmer on the opposite
bench with cheese in his lap.
Haven't you ever noticed I never
eat cheese? It was very unromantic.
- Where were you going?
- We eloped.
- Who eloped?
- Me. It was really nothing, darling.
I was only 16 at the time.
You know how romantic young girls are.
It wasn't of the slightest importance,
I assure you. I'm sorry I mentioned it.
Let's pretend I didn't.
Kiss me, and that's all there is to it.
Now it's all finished,
isn't it?
Who did you elope with?
Oh, now I've planted
a seed in your mind.
Are you sure
you want to know?
Oh, why don't we just
forget the whole thing?
Who was it?
- Angus.
- Angus?
Oh, I assure you he was
no one of the slightest importance.
Oh, what a way to make me spend
the wedding night.
Oh, he was just a groom
on father's estate.
- A groom!
- Well, not really the groom, of course.
He put on the groom's uniform on his day
off, then he'd be the groom that day.
The rest of the time
he was just a stable boy.
- A stable boy?
- Yes, a boy who cleans up the stables.
Oh, you don't think
much of my choice.
Well, he didn't look so bad
in the groom's uniform...
with the tight pants, the boots with
yellow tops and the little fat silk hat.
- Don't you think they're cute?
- I do not.
Oh, now you're upset. I never know
when to keep my mouth closed.
I was always taught
to be frank and honest.
It was nothing, darling. We ran away,
but they caught us and brought us back.
And that's all there was to it.
That's all there was to it,
except they discharged him.
Good. When they brought you back,
it was before nightfall,
I trust.
- Oh, no.
- You were out all night?
My dear, it took them
weeks to find us.
We'd made up different names
at the different inns we stayed at.
Oh, you'd die laughing
at some of the names we thought of.
I remember there was one...
- Yes, I'm sure I would.
- Oh, now you're upset.
- Eve.
- Yes, darling?
If there's one thing
that distinguishes a man from a beast,
it's the ability to understand,
and understanding, forgive.
Surely the qualities of mercy,
understanding and sweet forgiveness...
- Sweet what?
- Sweet forgiveness!
Oh.
I won't conceal from you that I wish
this hadn't happened.
But it has, and so it has.
A girl of 16 is practically
an idiot anyway,
so I can't very well
blame you for something...
that was practically done
by somebody else.
I want to thank you
for being so frank.
The name of Angus will never
cross my lips again,
and I hope that you
will do likewise.
Now let us smile
and be as we were.
I knew you'd be that way. I knew it
the moment I saw you standing beside me.
I knew you'd be both
husband and father to me.
I knew I could trust
and confide in you.
I suppose that's why
I fell in love with you.
Thank you.
I wonder if now would be
the time to tell you about Herman.
Herman. Herman?
Who was Herman?
Vernon? I thought
you said Herman!
- Vernon was Herman's friend.
- What a friend!
- Cecil?
- It's pronounced "Ceh-cil. "
- What did you say, dear?
- "How do you mean Hubert or Herbert?"
- They wereJohn's twin cousins.
- John! Who was John?
'Board!
But that's unheard of!
That's what lawyers are for!
- He says...
- Who says?
I don't know.
I naturally presumed it was her lawyer,
but he says she says she won't
have anything to do with lawyers.
- That's entirely irregular!
- Well, it's a thought.
I tell you,
I won't see any lawyers!
But these things
are always handled by lawyers.
This isn't going to be. This is
entirely between my husband and myself.
- Poppycock!
- What's the matter with you?
They want to make a settlement.
They'll give you half when you
leave for Reno...
and the balance at the end of six weeks.
Name your own price.
For once that we have a chance
to make some honest money...
Oh, tell him to go peel an eel!
I don't think you realize
the beauty of your situation.
You're holding a royal flush.
You've got him right by the ears.
You know, I had nothing to do
with this arrangement.
But now that you're in it,
you might as well go...
Will you let me speak
with Mr. Pike, please?
She's on the phone.
She wants to talk to Mr. Pike.
We can't allow that.
That's entirely irregular!
Shut up.
Will you talk to her?
I'll rot before
I'll talk to her.
- Mr. Pike, I advise you against
- Lay off!
Hello, Eve.
This is Horace talking.
Hello, darling. L...
I'm awfully sorry about
the trouble I've made you all.
I thought I had a reason, but now I...
Well... I just wanted
to tell you this.
I won't see any lawyers, because
there's nothing to see them about.
I don't want any money;
I don't want anything.
He can have back his jewelry
and anything else there is,
and I'll go to Reno
at my own expense.
I think that's only fair.
There's only one thing I want.
I want to see him first, and I...
I want him to ask me to be free.
That's all. No money, no nothing.
Only he has to come here
to ask me, because...
well, there's something
I want to say to him...
before we part.
Just a minute, Eve. All she wants is
for you to go to New York and ask her.
- It's a trick!
- Will you keep out of this?
Well, that's all she wants.
When can you go?
If she's waiting for me to ask her,
she can wait till Havana freezes over.
- Quite right.
- I'll have to call you back, Eve.
He just stepped out of the office
for a minute. I'll call you back.
Now you listen, you numbskull!
Go ahead and talk. I'm listening.
Hello? Yes, Horace.
I'm sorry, Eve.
He won't do it.
I thought it was
a pretty fair offer.
As a matter of fact,
I think you're a sucker to make it.
But he won't do it.
He seemed very bitter.
I'm sorry.
Oh, let me speak to him.
Please, Horace!
I don't think
he'd talk to you, Eve.
And anyway, he's gone
to say good-bye to his mother.
Where is he going?
No.
Thank you, Horace.
- Why, Hopsie!
- Hopsie?
Hopsie.
Jean!
I'm sorry, but if you knew
what it meant to me to find you again.
- Can we go to your cabin or someplace?
- Now just a minute.
Oh, Colonel,
I'm delighted to see you again.
We must play cards this trip.
Steward, some champagne for the colonel.
- Certainly, Mr. Pike.
- Come on.
You really haven't the right
to drag me off like this, Hopsie.
Are you sure we're on
the right boat, Sylvester?
Oh, why didn't you take me in your arms
that day? Why did you let me go?
Why did we have to go
through all this nonsense?
Don't you know you're
the only man I ever loved?
Don't you know I couldn't
look at another man if I wanted to?
Don't you know I waited
all my life for you, you big mug?
- Will you forgive me?
- For what? Oh, you mean on the boat.
The question is,
can you forgive me?
- What for?
- Oh, you still don't understand.
I don't want to understand.
I don't want to know. Whatever it is,
keep it to yourself.
All I know is, I adore you.
I'll never leave you again.
We'll work it out somehow.
There's just one thing.
I feel it's only fair to tell you.
It would never have happened
except she looked like you.
- I have no right to be in your cabin.
- Why?
- Because I'm married.
- But so am I, darling. So am I.
Positively the same dame!