The Long Weekend (2005) Movie Script

Oh, f-u-u-uck!
Oh, Shit!
Ow! Ow! Aargh!
Aargh, Jeez!
It hurts!
I don't suppose anyone remembers
the first moment they opened their eyes.
- Push.
- I sure don't.
But for my little brother Ed, I imagine
this is what the world looked like.
Little man.
Because this is how we'd
see things all through
childhood, adolescence,
and into adulthood.
You see, ever since he was strong enough
to lift a video camera,
he's had one pressed to his face.
He didn't mind what he was videoing
as long as he was videoing.
Ed. Hey.
I don't think we really
need to record Mr.
Fiddlesticks eating his
own poop for posterity.
OK He did get some funny stuff Ill admit.
But he didn't live life.
He viewed it.
Then edited the best
bits and archived them.
I mean, he was barely aware
of monumental world events,
but he could tell you the exact date
cousin Stevie gave up karate.
Sure the guy was a nerd,
but he was my brother, and I loved him.
He was always there to capture
my many outstanding stage performances.
O you, the doors of breath
sealed with a righteous kiss.
Way to go, buddy!
And I hoped he'd give it up
when he went to college.
Instead, he found a whole new world to film.
Hey, Ed.
But he never made really good use
of his camera.
- Unlike his roommate, Jack.
- Oh, Jack! Oh!
Oh, Jack, it's so big! Oh!
It's so hot! Oh! Oh!
He even had the damn thing pressed to face
when he met his girlfriend Cathy.
She got me where she want me...
Oh, Shit!
She said, "Baby, come on"
I think I hit a retarded man.
Sometimes I think she was right.
After graduation, they moved in together.
And Ed got a job in advertising.
According to his boss, he was a natural.
You are a natural, my son.
You've won another award.
You keep this up, and I'll see what I can
do about getting you a corner office.
- Thank you, Frank.
- Good boy.
Five buck tip?
Five bucks, that's it?
Was there something wrong
with your sandwich, sir?
Was the coffee cold?
No, the sandwich and the
coffee were fine, but
I ordered a cheeseburger
and an iced tea.
I'm sorry, man.
Do you need another five?
Here's ten.
Hey, thanks a lot.
What are brothers for?
I'll get you back real
soon, I promise, man.
My agent says I am so close
to my first big break.
She said you were so close
two and a half years ago.
Yeah, well, that was two
and a half years ago.
I have an audition for a Japanese whisky
commercial tomorrow. Do you believe it?
Cooper, you're in your mid-20s.
You've been doing this acting thing for,
what, six years now?
Yeah, give or take.
I think it's time you moved on,
thought about the future.
Become an adult like I have.
Did I mention he'd become
a tiny bit condescending?
Hey, Cathy?
I picked up your stuff from the cleaners.
Jack? Hi.
Are you ill?
Where's Cathy?
Cathy, what's going on?
Say something.
I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
What? No. Why? No!
What are you talking about?
I mean, this is... fine.
I mean, we can work it out, right?
I mean, a lot of people, they... Jack?
Can I have a moment with her?
Oh, yeah, sorry, man.
A lot of people have...
...affairs, you know?
It doesn't mean they've got to break up.
There are some things
Ill just never understand about Ed.
He could forgive Cathy for blowing Jack...
.. but then totally lost it
when he saw she was filming it
I helped him throw out every camera and
his entire obsessive compulsive archive.
And rather than going on a mission to fuck
as many of Cathy's friends as possible,
Ed just moved out and swore
he'd never touch a video camera again.
In an instant
Ed had gotten rid of Cathy and home video.
And I can't say I was sorry
to see either of them go.
I thought he'd finally start exploring
life, having fun, getting pussy.
But he got even more
bottled up than before.
Yeah, well, what my brother Cooper
didn't know is that was living a nightmare.
Dude, she is going crazy. I shit you not.
She's digging her nails in, she's
screaming, she's moaning, she's like,
"Oh, do me. Do me. I feel like a whore. "
At random moments, scenes from my archives
kept coming back into my head.
Stop! Stop! Stop!
She's like, "Uh, uh, uh, uh!"
I'm like, "Get off of it!"
It's like dust coming out.
Or at the doctor's.
Now, Mr. Waxman,
you may feel a little discomfort.
Just try to relax.
Even worse, it affected me at work.
Mr. Mclntyre,
I must say that we here
at Barnes, Butcher,
Leiber, Melchett, Farquhar,
Hidalgo, and Roper
are one lucky advertising agency
to have a client as...
.. enlightened as yourself.
- And I'm not just saying that.
- Thank you.
It is nothing but elegant and classy.
That was you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you your new ad campaign,
which rolls out nationwide next week.
Ed, if you'll do the honours.
"Real fur. Ifs fur real. "
There it is! That's what I'm talking about!
That's right Yeah!
What a bunch of assholes.
Do you really think this is going to
get people to start wearing fur again?
That question falls into
the "Who gives a fuck?" Category.
Mclntyre wanted that slogan,
and it's his damn money.
You know what I'm saying?
We're here to help people
sell their product,
not just agree with
what they say.
It's called keeping the client nappy.
L know this is a new concept for you.
Remind me, how many have you lost now?
Four? Or is it five?
A big agency like BBLMFH&R
can handle a couple of lost clients.
Hey. What's going on?
Great Bridge Insurance
has withdrawn its account from us.
Oh, Shit.
I guess you heard the news, huh?
I have nothing to be nervous about.
I just stopped by to bring you this.
You know, just a little something to say
thanks for your help on
the Mclntyre account.
Err... thank you.
That's great. I didn't mean the whole um...
There's nothing in it.
Oh, the box, that's the gift.
I thought you might need something
to clear your desk into on Monday.
You're not my boss. You can't fire me.
Ed, can I see you in my office?
Ed, when I first hired you,
you were like a dynamo.
You had an unusual way of looking at life,
and I liked that.
But after your intended did the dirty,
things have got a bit...
I never let that affect my work, Frank.
Well, let's see, shall we?
Sketchers shoes.
"Perfect for Kicking a man when he's down. "
Kahn's antiseptic.
"Not so good for when
she's ripped your heart
out of your chest and
thrown it in the trash. "
Yeah, but they're not all like that.
Here, look.
"Pacific Rim Telephone.
Only 3 cents a minute. "
Only 3 cents a minute?
"We can still make it work.
Just call for 3 cents a minute. "
- So, what are you saying?
- You're fired.
What if I make Great Bridge stay?
What if I come up with a campaign
that will win them back?
We've had the whole creative department
on this for six months.
You think you can turn
that around by Monday?
Yeah. I'm going to make 'em stay.
I'm going to come up with a campaign.
If you do that...
you cannot only keep your job,
you can have this office.
I'm not going to let you down.
- Where are we putting this?
- Roger's office.
Hey! Hey! Hey, put it down!
Put it down. I'm on the payroll st...
They took my coat!
It is dead animals in the shaft.
What animals?
Uh... rats...
uh... mice, cats.
The cats go in after
the mice and rats, and
then they get stuck, and
they starve and die.
Then they decompose, and the rotting flesh
releases the offending odour
that you're smelling now.
I see.
Try breathing through your mouth.
Try breathing through your mouth?
Could this day suck anymore?
Happy Birthday?
Owl Shit!
What are you doing?
It's your birthday.
I wanted to surprise you.
- What, by blinding me?
- Oh, come on.
That's what big brothers are for. Sit down.
Come on, I got some presents for you.
We're all set.
Open it up. Open it up.
It's the bottle of Glen Kyoto. That's...
Hey, you know it.
And look at this. Wow.
That's a Glen Kyoto T-shirt.
Oh, look at this great piece of artwork.
Wow, that's a Glen Kyoto
ashtray, of course.
That's uncanny, because just today, I was
thinking about taking up smoking, so...
- Call that brotherly intuition.
- Thank you, buddy.
Don't thank me.
Thank the number-one-selling
Japanese rice whisky in the world.
Puts a roof over our head
and tastes delicious, right?
Oh, hey.
- These came for you.
- Oh, yeah.
Fan mail.
Oh, my God.
How'd you like to have that
wrapped around your cock?
On, dirty.
But I'd do her. Would you do her?
You'd definitely do her. Come on.
- Oh!
- Ooh.
Oh. Fat man in little panties.
That one's yours. Oh, hey, I nearly forgot.
Got you one more present.
"Bup, buh, dah, ba"
Well, what do you think, huh?
Come on. This thing is the very latest.
I swear to God, man, you could shoot a cum
shot from a mile away with this thing.
Now What's the matter? You don't like it?
You know my promise:
I will never film another inch
of home video footage again.
It's over a year since Cathy dumped you.
She didn't dump me. It was mutual.
Ed, you love home video, man.
Don't you think it's time you got over her
and that stupid little promise?
Oh, hey, Ed.
Come on, man, this thing's perfect.
- I got work to do.
- Come on, man.
Cathy and Jack would be happy
to have a camera like this.
Wait a minute. Ed!
Hey, Ed.
Ed, wait a minute, man.
You've got to go out. It's your birthday.
I'm going to have to take
a rain check on that.
But it's your birthday.
You got to go out. It's the law.
- I have to work or I'm toast.
- We'll go to Gonigan's.
We'll have a quiet drink
between two brothers.
No, I can't,
You won't achieve anything
staring at these four walls.
Art imitates life, right?
And you need a life. Come on.
Ha ha! That a boy!
Come on, this will be fun.
"First the money gets away"
You never told me, how was that audition?
- I didn't get a call back.
- No way!
- Did they give a reason?
- I didn't technically
make it to the audition.
Got a little sidetracked,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, Jeez.
- Isn't Gonigan's to the right?
- Oh, yeah.
Just got to pick up a couple of friends.
- I thought this was just
going to be the two of us.
- It is.
The two of us and a couple of girls.
- I can't believe you!
- What?
Come on, you'll love these girls.
They're total Sweeties.
And Susie is definitely your type.
- Coopie.
- Hi, Jo.
Uh... Susie.
This is my brother, Ed.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Um... I got to go finish my make-up.
You come with me?
Its his birthday.
Ehm... shall we open this?
Don't bother. We already got one open.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Its delicious.
Yeah, it's so big.
Oh, I'm a whore, yeah.
Spank me.
Spank me, Daddy.
Oh, yeah!
So, what do you do?
I'm a nurse.
Wow, that's a tough job.
So few people are really
making a difference in the world,
and look at you, you're out
there curing illnesses,
and healing injuries,
and saving lives.
I Work in an abortion clinic.
Right! So.
So, Susie,
was Ed here telling
you that he's an
award-winning advertising
executive Supremo?
The kid's a dynamo.
Who's hungry?
"BOSSHOUSE: You Roll I'll Drive"
"We're the only ones here alive... "
And so Ed runs eight miles.
And I'm not talking your average over the
river and through the woods here, ladies.
I'm talking the most treacherous terrain
you can possibly imagine.
I'm talking jumping over snake pits.
I'm talking about this man was chased by
wolves just to find somebody with a phone
to then call the airborne forest rangers,
who arrived just in the nick of time
to save the entire boy scout troop.
Had it not been for my brother's grit,
determination and sheer heroism,
they may have all died.
You're a genuine hero.
Is all that true?
Cooper may be exaggerating a bit.
The err...
The bus actually drove off the road
to avoid hitting me.
But he did run eight miles.
I mean, can you imagine?
Yes, that's true, in the wrong direction.
They were found by a passing hiker,
and then he called out the forest rangers,
and then
they came in helicopters,
actually, and found me.
The point here is, ladies,
that everyone was saved.
There you go.
Except the guy who lost his legs.
There was a guy who lost his legs.
Food. Outstanding.
Ladies, let's get it on here, huh?
The night is young.
Drink it up and enjoy.
Susie, let's go.
The game is strip coasters.
Let's do it Top comes off.
Got it.
Good catch.
- Lucky you.
- Thank you, thank you.
OK. Your turn.
Eddie, you're up. Come on now, buddy
Show her you're an athlete.
He shoots, he scores, huh?
Excellent shot! Did you see that?
Would you excuse me for a moment?
- Where's the men's room?
- It's in the back there.
- Right or left?
- Hey just follow your nose.
Good luck.
Oh, no.
Oh, it burns.
I can't wipe with that.
Oh, hey. Hey, brother.
Listen, you mind if you take Susie home?
- Where are you going?
- Oh, Jo's not feeling well.
- What's wrong with her?
- You know, I'm not sure.
But I better take her home
and take her temperature,
vaginally with my flesh thermometer.
Susie's totally into you, by the way.
Here, man.
Look alive. Have some fun, will you?
Jo, what do you say
we get the fuck out of here, huh?
I am ready for dessert.
Oh, yeah. Spanking's on the menu.
Can I walk you home?
But I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
I'm not that Kind of girl.
Don't you think there's something
just so sexy about the city at night?
There's something about
knowing that thousands
of people all around
us are doing it.
Old people, married folks,
adulterers, teenagers,
virgins losing it for
the first time...
.. all enjoying the intimate knowledge
of each others' hot bodies.
Shim If you're really quiet,
you can almost hear the rhythmic sound
of all that sex going on.
Makes you think, doesn't it?
Yeah. Well, it was really nice to meet you.
Um... good luck with everything.
What are you doing here?
I live here, Where should I be?
Six inches inside Susie.
She was my final birthday present to you.
A birthday present from me to you.
A girl that doesn't know how to say no.
She specifically told me
she wasn't interested.
All women say that.
It's just a hoop they
make you jump through.
Oh, man.
I cannot believe you didn't do her.
She's fucked everyone.
Get some action soon,
or you could die of DSB.
Dangerous Sperm Build-up.
"1812 Overture"
You think I haven't been trying?
I mean, I keep striking out.
I'm crap with women.
Then let me help you.
I'm serious. Let me help you.
Let me help you.
- I have to work.
- I can work around your work.
I'm spending this weekend at the office.
Come on. I can be your doctor of love.
I can be your feel-good professor.
- You're not listening.
- I will be your pallbearer of pussy.
I can be your psychiatrist of snatch.
Give you the bible of booty, buddy.
It'll be fantastic. You cant stop me.
You know that.
And I'll help you. I'll show you.
It's a deal. I know.
You want to make this deal.
- You need this.
- Stop!
But this cannot interfere with my work.
All right.
It's a deal.
You're going to get laid
this weekend, buddy.
What are you doing?
Coop, what are you doing?
When William the Conqueror landed
on the English shores in 1066,
he had his invading army
destroy their own boats.
He wanted them to know
that there was no going back.
They were either going to conquer England
or they were going to die trying.
What's your point?
Ed, we're throwing away your porn.
I don't have any porn.
What makes you think I have porn?
All right, I got a magazine lying around
somewhere maybe.
I mean... Fine, we can throw that away.
Well, at least this explains
why we spend 4,000 a month on tissues.
Oh, check it out.
First targets of the day. Now, be cool.
Hey, ladies.
What are two beautiful women like you
doing in a dump like this?
We are throwing out the trash.
Well, I don't suppose.
Any of that turns you ladies on?
Rug munchers.
- I'll catch you later.
- Oh, hey, wait a minute, man.
I thought we had a deal.
The deal was it has to
fit around my schedule.
Hey, and I completely stand by that,
but it is Saturday morning,
the perfect time to pick up women, man.
I mean, their defenses are down.
I know a place where the
women are especially
vulnerable to our
licentious advances.
And voila.
Attractive single mothers
on a beautiful Saturday morning.
Are you kidding?
As if single mothers
don't have enough to deal with,
they've got to be used and abused by you?
Hey, us.
Single mothers are at their sexual peak.
They don't have a man in their lives,
and they can't find one
because they're busy
looking after their
little ankle biter.
We're doing them a favour.
Oh, there's one. Look.
She's hot she's ripe,
and not a boyfriend in sight.
Come on, go, go, go, go.
Don't be nervous, though, OK?
If you have any questions, just say so.
Hello, there.
Do you like riding?
Yeah, it's quite impressive.
What a beast, huh?
When I was a little boy,
I used to dream of having one like that.
What, is it too big?
Personally, I think the bigger the better.
You know, it's fine as long as
you do some stretching beforehand.
You look like you could handle that.
You sick bastard!
What? I'm just...
No! No, I wasn't...
- Don't...
- This man is a pervert!
"WADE: Fall On Down"
Those fat bastards will never get us!
Yeah, right.
"A million fishes left to fry"
"And I fall on down"
"I guess it's all the same tomorrow... "
Come on. Get in.
"I guess it's all the same tomorrow"
I'm going
to have a heart attack.
That was fun, huh, buddy?
I don't know why we had to run away.
I mean, we could have
just simply explained.
Hey, you don't simply explain to cops, OK?
Especially when you're accused
of an alleged sex crime
involving a horse cock
and a pretty little girl in powder blue.
Running away doesn't make us look
any more innocent.
All right, let's go.
It's 12 o'clock.
I haven't even thought about work.
All right, I'm going to
see you at the... Oh!
What the fuck?
That's Simone.
The supermodel.
Her obituary was in the paper.
Now, why would God take
the life of one so hot,
when there are already so many ugly people
littering this planet?
OK, come on, let's go.
It's a damn shame, Ed.
Holy steaming vagina kettle.
Ed, you can't leave now.
We have hot women,
depressed and in mourning.
This is a once in a lifetime
opportunity for you, buddy.
This is a church, and that's a funeral.
Is nothing sacred to you?
we're completely inappropriately dressed.
"Organ plays"
We're going to hell.
An eternity of red-hot pokers up the ass.
It's definitely worth the risk.
Will you look at all the ass in here?
Oh, come here, child.
Let the Church comfort you.
Excuse me.
Were you close to the deceased?
I was her lover.
You drink from the furry cup.
Do you like men, too?
Haven't you taken a vow of celibacy?
Oh, well...
it's more of a guideline than a vow.
Oh, excuse me.
Maybe I'll baptize you later.
We are here...
Today is a...
I'd like to...
My voice. Would you mind?
- I don't think we...
- Oh, we'd be delighted, Father.
- We can't do this.
- Hey, I 'am an actor.
This is what I do.
They'll never know the difference.
Welcome to our church on this sad day.
A day to celebrate the life of Simone.
Anyone who knew Simone
knew that she was a beautiful woman.
And I'm not just talking about in magazines
or on the internet.
She was beautiful on the inside, too.
I mean, her bone structure
was out of this world.
But what lessons can we now take away
from Simone's short life?
To follow your dreams and to make each and
every moment count as if it was your last.
Just as she did.
And what also can we learn from her death?
If you're going to mix methamphetamine's
and Kentucky bourbon,
then don't drive the wrong way up an
off ramp into an oncoming 18-Wheeler.
"'Ominous... "
"Vacuum... "
"Indigenous scrotum"
And a brief announcement before we depart.
I will be giving, and receiving,
one-on-one grief counseling in the
sacristy directly following the procession.
Please stand.
And let us go in peace,
to love and to serve the Lord.
Coop, my wallet.
- It's in the casket.
- We can't do anything about it now.
Yeah, but... I'll...
We'll go to the cemetery after the burial,
when everyone's gone.
We'll ask them to open it up, OK?
Great plan.
I'm going to work,
where I should've been all day.
It's 5 pm, and I've got nothing done.
Nothing? You've been meeting women.
I don't care about that.
In fact, I was pretty comfortable
in those priests' clothes.
I just want to save my career.
Maybe you'd do better at your job
if you just loosened up and got laid.
I'm going to the office
and I'm going to work all night.
And I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me
have that time to myself.
Hey, whatever you need, bud.
Whatever makes you happy.
It is your birthday weekend. OK.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, I was thinking,
what if I brought some girls to the office?
Can you not get it through
your thick skull?
I don't care about getting laid.
Why? Are you gay?
You've never had a serious relationship,
so you wouldn't understand.
But me and Cathy,
what we had was something special.
It was about so much more than sex.
It was about a closeness.
It was about a Warmth that
we felt for each other.
There was nothing I wouldn't do for her,
or that she wouldn't do for me.
Because we cared about each other.
Ed, she videotaped herself
fucking your best friend.
Give me a break, man. It's over.
She could be out there somewhere now
thinking about me.
I doubt it, Ed.
Why? Is it because I'm so repulsive?
Am I such a... Am I so repugnant
that no-one wants to be with me?
No, it's not that. It's just...
Well, it looks like she's spoken for.
Hey, I'm sorry, bud.
You OK?
Hey! Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, Ed!
Wait a minute!
We could at least act
like adults about this.
Take it easy. Let's go and sit down.
I just really thought
we were going to get back together.
You know, I thought she was the one.
Well, that's where you're going wrong, Ed.
I mean, you can't think
about meeting the one.
You need to start thinking about
meeting the ones.
I mean, meeting women is a numbers game.
You think I get laid a lot, and I do,
but I only sleep with a tiny percentage
of the women I actually talk to.
I mean, I'll talk to 30 women in a night.
And if one fucks me, I'm doing well,
You? You talk to two women in a month.
And if neither fucks you,
you scamper back into
your little shell and
feel sorry for yourself.
Tell me how it works.
I mean, make it work for me.
You were right. Get me laid.
That's the only way I'm
going to get over this.
What about your job?
I will work tomorrow all day,
but tonight, I just
really need to have sex.
Will you help me?
Go on, girl!
"RELISH: Karma Calling"
"Come on you beautiful thing... "
"Take me to the city that you live in"
I don't know if this is such a good idea.
Are you crazy? This is a perfect idea.
Look at all the hot chicks, man.
I'm going to keep bringing girls around
here until you find one you like, OK?
Then tickle, tickle, pinch, pinch.
Know what I'm talking about?
So just sit back, relax, and have fun.
Hey hey!
God, I've never wanted to be a gun more
in my life.
I'm don't know if I really feel
that comfortable glorifying war.
I am.
Oh, thank you.
Takes you back, doesn't it? Oh, man!
Oh, yeah!
It is graduation day, brother.
Jesus Christ?
Holy shit, woman.
Haven't you ever heard of waxing?
"BOSSHOUSE: You're Gonna Lose"
Oh, yes!
It's Uncle Sam's daughter. Outstanding!
Oh, my God, and look at those tits.
God bless America, man.
I don't know if I'm feeling
all that patriotic.
You're fucking crazy, man.
Here. Pay the woman.
"And now, I know, whatever you do,
you're gonna lose"
No, honey, tuck it in the top.
"I'm way ahead of you.
What? What?
Oh, real cool, fellows. Come on.
You know she's got more to worry about
than paper cuts down there.
Hey, this doesn't happen
in Japan, my friend.
It really doesn't.
Thoroughly angry.
Ed, did you see the reaction
you got out of that woman?
Phenomenal! Great start, buddy.
That in there, that's not
what I'm looking for.
Have you ever heard the expression,
"Give a man a fish and
he'll eat for a day, but
teach a man to fish and
he'll eat forever"?
You want to learn how to fish?
I want to learn how to
pick up a woman legitimately.
I don't want to have to pay someone
to sleep with me.
I know, buddy. I know.
I'll teach you how.
I'll teach you how to pick up women.
I'm your bro. You can count on me.
You got tonight only.
Well, not laid tonight only,
but I want you to teach me.
Tonight is your night. I mean, it's
your birthday weekend, get it going.
I'm the student. You're the Sensi.
I will show you the path
to vagina enlightenment.
Excuse me. You're putting your
whites in with your colours.
Is that bad?
Well, it is if you don't want all
your whites coming out pink.
Oh, really?
I'm such a moron.
.. Do my own laundry.
You were in Somalia?
I would love to talk to you about that.
Let me help you.
And that is why Aids is a clear example
of God punishing the blacks and the gays.
- Tell me, do you...
- Don't even get me started on the Jews.
That's me done.
- Got to go.
- Well, ehh...
Want to get a drink or something?
I'd love to. Ed?
I don't see how the gym's going to be
any better than the Laundromat.
Well, we got tumble dryers on low,
or big, sweaty, bouncing tits in a leotard.
Oh, my God, look at her
I bet she uses Kamasutra as a cool down.
All right. You're up, iron man. Go get her.
Come on, on the treadmill. Go, go, go.
Tough break, bro, but you know what?
No worries.
You know what women love
more than anything?
Men with babies. We're going to get a baby.
Let's skip the babies.
Yeah, good idea.
I don't know anything about babies, anyway.
- Come on. I got a better idea.
- Watch it, I tore my sack.
Beggars can't be choosers, buddy.
And stay positive, Ed.
We're doing great here, man.
I'm not sure about this.
Check her out.
Look how she works that olive.
That's fantastic.
You want to get laid, don't you?
Not that badly.
Dude, dude. Here.
Here's your chance. Go.
Go. Light her cigarette. Go. Be suave.
Can I offer you a light?
A gentleman.
You're a rare breed.
You a Scotch drinker? I bet you are.
Ooh, ooh!
Have you ever been to Japan?
Okinawa? No? Oh, it's beautiful there.
Ifs a lot like this. You could Wear that.
Maybe Tahiti, something like that?
Are you ticklish?
Put it out!
Good as new. Good as new.
Can I buy you another drink?
That's it, I'm done. I'm done.
I scraped the bottom of the barrel,
and the bottom of the barrel rejected me.
All right. Ifs time for a stiff drink.
Go home. Get a good night's sleep.
Wake up in the morning and work like a dog.
Thanks, Randy. Appreciate it.
Keep them coming, will you?
Vodka tonic.
"Clambering men in big bad boots"
"Dug up my den, dug up my roots... "
"They build us up and knocked us down"
The guy at the end of the bar.
"From Meccano to LEGOLAND"
"Here they come with e
brick in their hand"
"Men with heads filled up with sand"
"Ifs build"
Can I buy you a drink?
No, thanks.
I'm kidding.
I'll have a Cosmopolitan.
And a Cosmopolitan for the lady.
So... what brings you here?
My brother's ehm...
Gone. Nice.
You? What brings you here?
My date.
But it looks like he stood me up.
He's an idiot if he has.
Hey. Here's to bad dates.
You had some?
Some? I've had them all.
Dating should be outlawed.
They should just bring
back arranged marriages.
Couldn't raise the divorce
rate much higher.
If we women didn't have to bother
trying to find, meet and attract men,
it would free up, what, 50 hours a week?
And imagine what you women could achieve
with that kind of extra time.
Are you kidding?
There'd be a Bloomingdale's on Mars.
"Build a house where we can stay"
"Build... "
To being friends and nothing more.
You live here?
My apartment is being repainted.
I hope your apartment done soon.
Damn it I'm out of coffee, Ed.
That's OK.
Coffee would keep me up all night.
Will this... keep you up all night?
All I Need Is Your Love"
"All I need is your love"
"All I need is your love"
"All right"
"I don't want no real fine car"
"I got a little money, it'll take me far"
"I don't want no riches and fame"
- Stop! Police!
- I'm arresting you for soliciting.
Are you crazy? She's not a prostitute.
Wait outside for ten... three minutes,
and... maybe we can work something out.
There's been some sort of misunderstanding.
I'm not supposed to be in here.
Me too.
This is a miscarriage of justice.
They said I was drunk.
If I was drunk,
my breath would smell of booze.
How does my breath smell?
I'm here to bail out my brother, Ed Waxman.
Fill in these forms.
You got a pretty mouth.
Shit, Cooper, please hurry.
Well, you know, in Japan,
I'm like Brad Pitt.
You smell nice.
Hey, you like sushi?
I bet you fuck like a bunny.
Keep those cuffs when you're off duty?
Faraday. Don't you have
some crimes to solve?
Sorry, sir.
Brad Pitt, you done with those forms yet?
There you go, my good sir.
Now, why don't you go be a peach
and get my brother out of there?
I'll be outside.
Is there an Ed Waxman here?
Your bail's been posted.
I'm Ed Waxman.
Did you come in with any ID?
- No, I lost my wallet.
- Really?
I can assure you I'm Ed Waxman.
Just let me out.
Oh, stop.
I am Ed Waxman.
That's bullshit.
- Bullshit.
- Can you prove it?
Of course he can't prove it.
He's not Ed Waxman.
I prefer Edward, actually.
And here's the proof.
Out you come.
Stand back from the door.
He's wearing my shirt! I had it on.
I wear an undershirt all the time,
and I don't have one on right now.
That's the shirt I wiped my ass with.
I had Mexican food?
Here's your brother.
That's not my brother.
Well, he was positively ID'd.
Well, you released the wrong guy.
Now go inside and get my brother.
There's nothing more I can do.
Come back in the morning and sort it out
with the Lieutenant. Night, night.
Where are you taking me?
I'm taking you to an overnight cell.
- Come here, bitch.
- I can't...
- Hey, cocksucker!
- ... spend the night in here.
Well, it ain't the Holiday Inn, but...
No, it's err...
That's great. Thanks.
Who is this guy?
Some jerk that got caught with a pro.
Feel sorry for him.
I know you from somewhere.
No, I don't think so.
You're the pervert!
- What?
- You were at the park this morning.
Propositioned a woman.
Apparently he gets turned on
by horse erections.
When I approached the suspect, he ran.
Did you do that?
Well, I ran away, but it
wasn't because of the...
All right! I've heard enough.
No, but...
I'm not a pervert! Come on.
I'm not a pervert!
What are you in for?
I had a misunderstanding with a prostitute.
I didn't even...
I was... What are you in for?
Biggest black market
Viagra dealer in America.
But their case doesn't stand a chance.
I managed to swallow most of my stash
before they could impound it.
You look nervous.
- You nervous?
- No.
There is no reason we can't be friends.
You look like a reasonable individual.
So there's no reason to be nervous, because
we just got to respect each other's space.
The personal boundaries.
The... The space. The boundaries.
The per... The personal boundaries.
Cooper Cooper.
OK Waxman.
You're being released.
Tray saved your ass this time, huh?
Work. Got to go to work.
Jesus, man.
You're in no shape to go to the office.
Come on.
You can come with me on
a little car ride, OK?
Come on. Watch your dome, there.
Oh. Ed, watch your head.
Come on. Get in there.
Get in there. There you go, buddy.
Hold on to that.
So, how'd you get arrested
in the first place?
I still don't understand it.
I met a nice girl.
She invites me back to her place,
and it turns out she's a prostitute.
What, did she ask you for money?
No. That's the weird part.
I thought you got the financial bit
out of the way first.
Yeah, yeah.
That's the way I've always done it.
Do you know what this means?
She was off duty.
She must've really liked you.
Ed, a prostitute that's
willing to give it away
for free is worth at
least two normal girls.
- Really?
- Hell, yeah, man!
You are a stud, my friend.
A total stud.
And that Kim... God, was she nectar, huh?
She was hot. She really was.
I mean, you should have seen...
How'd you know her name?
You told me.
No, I didn't.
So how did you know her name was Kim?
Well, she looked like a Kim.
I mean, she had very Kimesque features.
You paid her, didn't you?
You paid her in advance.
That's why she didn't ask for the money.
No, I didn't. Hey, Ed, that's ludicrous!
I was trying to build your self-esteem.
Am I so pathetic that a
woman's not going to
sleep with me without
financial incentive?
Come on. That's not what I meant.
Listen, you and I both know
someday we'll look at this
as brothers and laugh.
You shitbag! Do you have any
idea what I've been through?
I was just trying to help.
Help? You helped me get
a criminal record...
when all I wanted to do
was go to the office and save my career.
And now that's gone, too.
I should have never listened to you.
Ed, I think we need to
take a little breath here.
I mean, it's just a job.
At least I've had a job
in my lifetime, Coop.
You've accomplished nothing.
Ed, in Japan, this is
the eighth-most-recognized Western face.
And one day they're going to replace
that face, and you'll have nothing.
And you'll be nothing.
Because you've tried nothing.
Hey, well, fuck you!
Oh, shit. I'm sorry, Ed.
Just leave me alone.
- Hey, Ed, what are you doing?
- Going home.
I really think somebody
should take a look at that cut, man.
You know what? I don't care what you think.
All right? I'm really serious right now.
I don't want to see your face.
Hey, Ed. Let's talk about this, man.
Hey, don't walk away.
I'm sorry you didn't get laid, man.
I'm sorry nobody wanted to sleep with you.
Come back!
Hey, fuck Jo and Susie.
I know Rachel and Cassie.
Those chicks will fuck
you at the same time!
- How are you doing?
- Fine.
All I have is $1.05.
It's a $1.10.
Yes, but all I have is $1.05.
So if you could cut me some slack,
I'd really appreciate that,
because I spent last night in prison.
Oh, so you'd like special treatment
because you're a felon?
I will come back tomorrow
with the difference.
Twice the difference.
It doesn't work like that.
I want to go home.
Well, unless you've got $1.10,
you ain't going nowhere.
What is wrong with you people?
I pay my taxes!
I don't throw trash on the street.
I don't piss in alleyways
or graffiti walls!
I don't even have children
in the public school system.
I recycle my glass, my paper, my plastics.
I'm a good person, and I
just want a bus token.
That's it? That's it?
If I'm not going home, no-one is!
You just can't keep out of trouble.
Fuck! Where did you come from?
This is a perfect ending
to a perfect weekend.
I'm arresting you for disturbing the peace.
I just want a bus token.
And for begging.
Here you go.
Do you know this guy?
We live in the same apartment building.
I'll take him home.
All right.
- Lf you're sure.
- Mm-hm.
Are you OK?
Go on, now. Blow.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
It's been a hell of a 48 hours and I guess
it all just got a little on top of me.
So what's happened,
if you don't mind my asking?
I haven't had sex in over a year.
Well, I can see how that would...
And my ex, who I was really hoping
to get back together with...
- got married.
- That is just...
I got arrested last night
for picking up a prostitute.
I didn't know she was a prostitute.
- Well, no wonder you're just...
- And because of that,
I spent the night in a prison cell
fending off the amorous advances
of a very giant man with a pierced scrotum.
Must be more dead animals about.
- You can fart on command?
- You can't?
I tried once, but just shat myself.
It's not something you try twice.
- Whoa. It's a big cat.
- Yeah.
- I hope the door opens soon.
- Yeah.
Uh, thanks for the bus token.
I'm feeling a lot... saner now.
Has anyone looked at that?
It'll heal.
Come on. It looks really nasty.
I got some antiseptic stuff and a Band-Aid.
Come on.
Wow. Those are great.
Who are they by?
A little known contemporary photographer,
Ellen Reece.
She's very talented.
Why, thank you.
- Ellen?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry. I never asked your name.
- I'm Ed Waxman.
- Hi.
You do this professionally?
I do now.
I was a model for a long time, but I quit
to spend more time behind the camera.
That's very brave.
Not really.
You're not brave to do what
you really want to do.
You're just an idiot
if you don't.
Do you want a BLT?
I am so hungry. Yes, please.
You never told me what you do.
You definitely getting fired tomorrow?
then You Know They're Wrong"
"You call to me"
"When your friends steer you wrong"
"And you treat them like an angel... "
I was planning on working this weekend.
Really buckling down.
But I got sidetracked by my brother's
futile attempt to get me laid.
You could say the only thing
that got fucked this weekend was my career.
Sorry to hear it.
"Just act like they're right
when you know they're wrong"
"Just act like they're
right when you know... "
- Hold on. Ed!
Ed, Ed.
I thought you were someone else.
You know, Im...
I'm just not good with the women.
I'm not like my brother Cooper.
Thank God.
That guy is the most self-centered,
shallow person I've ever met.
Have you seen this man?
"I know it hurts. "
- Uh-uh.
- No?
How about that man?
- Uh-uh.
- Thanks.
Do not think that Cooper is the ideal man
that all women are looking for.
To be honest, I think it's a bit sad that
a guy needs to have constant reassurance
that he's desirable.
It's a massive sign of insecurity.
You are so much more...
"You don't need to tell me"
"Love is like an enemy"
"If ever you should stumble"
"You just need a friend"
"You don't need to bend"
"Just act like you're right
when you know you're wrong"
Yeah, OK. You're sure you haven't seen him?
Not since the sixth grade?
No, no. Ehh... thanks, Spence.
If he does happen to get in touch with you
tonight, give me a call, all right?
No, I don't expect him to either.
Hi, God.
Cooper Waxman here.
I know I haven't been in touch for a while.
You might Know me better
as the Glen Kyoto Man?
My brother Ed has sort of gone missing.
Well, we argued, and he got
this really nasty bump on his head,
and I haven't heard from him since.
So I was thinking maybe you could
just go have a quick look around for him
and bring him back home.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "Well,
sure, I could do that
for you, Cooper, but
what's in it for me?"
And fair enough.
I tell you what.
If you find Ed
and you bring him back home safely,
I'll give up one-night stands for eh...
Come on, God. I'm only human.
I got it.
And this is fair.
I'll lead the sort of life
that Ed Wants me to lead.
I'll give up the ads, give
up the daytime soaps,
and I will concentrate
on serious acting jobs.
Is it a deal?
It's a deal.
So stop hanging around here
feeling so pleased with yourself
and get out there and find my brother.
Don't Look Back Into The Sun"
"Don't look back into the sun"
"Now you know that the time is come"
"And they said it would never
come for you, oh, oh, oh, oh"
"Oh, my friend, you haven't changed"
"You're looking rough and living strange"
"And I know you've got a taste for it too,
oh, oh, oh, oh"
"Don't look back into the sun"
"You cast your cards,
but you're on the run"
I must've fallen asleep.
You looked so peaceful.
I didn't want to disturb you.
I'm going to go now.
I better go, so...
Don't be sorry.
You were very snuggly, it was nice.
You're welcome to stay, if you want to.
I guess I could... stay.
If you'd like to.
I could use the sleep.
"Central Park"
"I feel lost like the '60s"
"Had way too much of this city"
"And no girlfriend to miss me"
"it's a perfect day to start"
"Looking for my new sweetheart"
Oh, God.
- I'm going to come.
- Oh, no.
- I'm going to come.
- No, not yet. Just a little longer.
"All the girls come out"
"The girls come out"
Come on!
Oh. Come on!
Holy shit! That's it, I've got it!
- I've got it.
- You've got what?
- I've got an idea for work.
- What?
Oh, that's romantic.
Oh, no. That's not what I mean.
I wasn't even thinking about work.
Not at all.
But it just suddenly hit me.
You know, the idea
I've been looking for all weekend.
So, I got to go. I can save my career.
You know what, though?
That was amazing.
You were amazing.
You are the best thing
that has happened to me since...
.. Ever.
I got to go.
Girl Another Planet"
Hey, Ed.
Where have you been, man?
I've been worried sick.
I called everybody in your address book.
I've been to the hospitals and mortuaries.
Where's the camera?
I've been worried sick. With that bump
on your head, you could've had amnesia.
Been wandering round
not knowing who you were,
and I'd find you years later as an old man
when I take my grandchildren to the circus,
only to discover my long-lost brother
in ring three
being the bull's-eye for a game of
butt darts by the midget pirates.
I was having sex with the gorgeous woman
down the hall.
I don't care about the
whole getting laid thing.
You don't need to lie.
I'm just glad you're OK.
Oh, you left this at my place.
Call me.
Oh, man.
Now, that's impressive!
Guess that's why they call
you the Almighty, huh?
- Hey, where's the video camera?
- The video camera?
- Yeah, I need it now.
- OK.
"I think I'm on another world with you"
"With you"
"I'm on another planet with you... "
Ed, what are you doing?
Getting my job back.
"Another girl, another planet"
Go get 'em.
What happened?
Did you get all the footage you needed?
You kidding?
I was crazy to think that
in just one clay I could
film all the stuff that took
years to fill my archive,
I mean, I threw away
everything I needed to save my career.
You want your archived footage?
Come with me.
Coop, it is too late, OK?
The meeting takes place at three o'clock.
- I'm screwed.
- Then we'd better hustle.
Come on. I got a surprise for you.
"GOIVIEZ: Whippin' Piccadilly"
- What are we doing at Mom and Dad's place?
- Come on.
"Once upon a time, not too long ago"
"We took a day out in Manchester.
Thought these might come in handy one day.
Go ahead.
"Played a bit of football,
fell into the union"
"Barged our way into the toilet... "
This could do it.
We got to go.
Oh, God.
"I remember seeing someone
dressed in a suit"
"Looking like a lunatic... "
Found it. Here you go.
"And we all fall down"
"There's not enough hours in our trip"
So we have clearly
not been responsive to your needs.
I mean, Great Bridge is a leader.
It's an innovator.
It's a groundbreaking insurance company.
It's unique. It's exciting.
With inspired leadership,
if I may be so bold.
Let me ask you, what type of
advertising are we talking about?
Well, I think we need to have
a face of Great Bridge Insurance.
A spokesman. Someone who represents
everything we stand for.
Someone attractive,
intelligent, approachable.
Anyone in mind?
Well, I think we've got
ourselves a poster boy.
I knew we could work together.
You guys are un-fucking-believable.
We try.
And you're fired. I hate ass kissers.
If I wanted a bunch of sycophants
who are only after my money,
I could just hang out with my family.
- Mr. Lamson, have a seat.
- Weren't you fired?
Shut up, Roger.
Mr. Lanson, I think you're
going to like this.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, Shit! Urghl.
The unexpected happens all the time.
With Great Bridge Insurance,
you're covered.
And so Ed won the account back.
He got Frank's office and business boomed.
To show there was no hard feelings,
he even let Roger stay.
Ed and Ellen moved in together
and I heard that Cathy got fat
and Jack caught a disease
which caused his
testicles to swell to the
size of cantaloupes.
Talk about everything
working out perfectly.
It's your brother's big day, huh?
Wish him luck from me.
And yes.
I even kept my promise to God.
I don't know if it was such a good idea
to give up those ads and stuff, man.
Are you kidding?
Cooper, in your first serious acting
audition, you landed the role of Hamlet.
- That's massive.
- Yeah.
I don't know.
I'm sweating like a bullet here.
I'm nervous as hell.
You're going to be great, Coop.
Good luck.
Oh, hey, Ed.
Hey, man, thanks for coming, huh?
I Wouldn't miss it for the World.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks, bud.
Here we go.
And in this harsh world.
Draw thy breath in pain, to tell my story.
And the rest is silence.
"DAVID ESSEX: Hold Me Close"
"Hold me close, don't let me go"
"Oh, no"
"Yes, I love you and I
think that you Know"
"That you know"
"'With your love light shining"
"Every cloud's got a silver lining"
Jesus Christ?
Holy shit, woman.
Haven't you ever heard of waxing?
It's your line that gets me.
I got it this time Third time's a charm.
I can't even listen to you.
I can't listen to you.
And were you close to the deceased?
I was her lover.
Oh, my. So you have your liquor license?
I bet you fart like a bunny.
I like fart like a bunny.
But what can we now take
away from her life?
And I'd find you years
from now, as an old man
when I take my grandchildren
to the circus,
only to discover my long-lost brother
dangling from the trapeze
by the business end
of some Chinese anal beads.
And I'd find you years
from now, as an old man
when I take my grandchildren
to the circus,
only to discover my long-lost
brother in the tank
getting mounted by the
transvestite hippo lady.
Now why would God take
the life of one so hot,
when there are so many ugly, loose,
gross bitches to choose from?
Just fucking lightning bolt their ass.
We've got these beautiful...
pristine, tight-lipped, wonderful angels.
Forget it.
What'd you do?
It was, like, seven,
eight, maybe nine times.
I'm peeing on her.
She's down there. She's licking my star.
I'm blowing it in her hair.
Is she into bestiality?
My next-door neighbour's got a Great Dane
and she's trying to get him...
She's putting peanut butter all over
her snoochy and stuff like that.
That's not right, is it?
She got my lob wedge, and
she's like, "Oh, yeah, yeah.
"I got to get the
thing regripped.
Oh, mah, yeah. She's cool though.
We talked a lot.
It was nice. She's really sensitive. Yeah.
But she was shoving my GI Joe up there
and stuff like that.
"BOSSHOUSE: Let's Kick It In"
"I really feel"
"Feel like you want me to"
"Do you feel"
"Feel like I want you to?"
"'L really feel"
"Feel like you want me to"
"Do you feel?"
"'L really feel it"
"Do, Do you feel?"
"Because I really feel it too"
"Do you feel it"
"Just like I want you to?"
"Yeah, do you feel it?"
"Do, Do you feel it?"