The Love Bug (1968) Movie Script
I'd like another shot
at that prize money.
- Okay for next Sunday?
- No, Jim. It ain't okay.
- Now, look, Bice...
- No, you look.
All of my drivers
are 18, 19.
You're too old
for these kid snorts.
You're liable
to get hurt in there.
You used to be a big track driver.
Ain't you got no pride?
I ran out of pride
when I ran out of cars.
Jim, you gotta look
at yourself.
Okay, you start out all right.
You win a couple of tracks,
you think you're on your way.
But it didn't
work out, did it?
- Much obliged.
- You need any money?
Nope.
Hey.
What do you do
with this stuff?
It's for a friend.
Hey! How'd it go?
Okay.
- I brought you something.
- Oh, thanks.
Aw, the poor thing.
I'll find a good spot for it.
- You got hurt again.
- So?
One of these days you're
gonna get wiped out entirely.
Why you gotta be a driver?
Maybe that's not
your thing, racing.
How about all those car agencies
down on Van Ness?
I bet a top mechanic there
gets a lot of good bread laid on him.
What is the matter
with everybody?
Can't you understand?
I'm not a mechanic, I'm a driver.
I know just how you feel, Jim.
Hey, I used to think I was
happy painting flower seeds.
Then one day, inside me,
this little voice says,
"Tennessee Steinmetz. "
I said, "What?"
It said, "You ain't happy. "
Tennessee, why is it the only thing
we have in this house is parrot food?
- I mean, we don't have a parrot.
- Eat that. That's good.
That's pressed kelp.
That aerates your liver.
Then this voice inside
of me continued as follows:
"This is nowhere.
Ya gotta make a new scene.
Ya gotta change your bag. "
That's when I split.
I went to Tibet,
to a mountaintop,
with swamis and monks.
I discovered my real self.
It was wonderful.
I don't have
to go to Tibet.
I know who I am.
I know what I want.
There are dirt track races at a carnival
near Bakersfield this week.
If I can get over there
I can pick up a couple of bucks.
Okay to use your wheels?
Okay, but you're gonna have
a little trouble getting it started.
Where's the beast?
You didn't
cut up the Edsel.
It came over me
all of a sudden.
It was the only
decent thing to do.
Believe me, Jim,
it'll be happier up there.
Are you all right?
Are you dizzy?
Oh, no. There's a slight
racking pain in my head here.
Oh, well, I think you'd better sit down.
I'm really terribly sorry.
Well, it's not your fault.
I didn't mean to startle you.
Looks like you've been running
into all sorts of things lately.
Yeah. Oh, this
is just a little...
- Oh, lady.
- Oh, really, sir.
Excuse me.
Over 400 cubes.
Dual quads, all synchro box,
zero to 60 under five.
All right, Miss Bennett.
I'll see to this gentleman myself.
May I be of service, sir?
I see that you're a person
who appreciates fine things.
You're no doubt aware that this
is the celebrated Thorndyke special.
Allow me to say, sir,
that I think this car
would suit you very well.
Yes.
Yes, it would.
- May I offer you a glass
of sherry and a biscuit?
- Go right ahead.
I take it the question of price
does not greatly concern
a gentleman like yourself.
Oh, I wouldn't haggle
if that's what you mean.
What price range
did you have in mind?
About $75.
$75.
I could go 80 in a pinch.
What do you have in the way of
cheap, honest transportation?
Cheap, honest transportation!
I will bid you good day, sir.
Good day.
Hey!
Havershaw!
Now, where did
this come from?
- Mr Thorndyke, yes, sir?
- What is this thing
doing in my showroom?
I believe Miss Bennett
may know something about this.
Yes. You remember when Mrs van Luit
purchased her new Bentley?
She also requested us to buy
a small used car for her upstairs maid.
Then why isn't her upstairs maid
in her blasted vehicle?
The car was returned
this morning, Mr Thorndyke.
She was having some kind
of difficulty with it.
- Get it out of here!
- Yes, sir.
What's that for?
- I beg your pardon?
- Why don't you let the little car alone?
Are you presuming to tell me
what to do in my own establishment?
Okay, I'm out of line.
It just bugs me to see somebody
abusing a decent piece of machinery.
How fascinating.
Well, now that we've had the
benefit of your point of view,
shall we regard our relationship
as terminated?
Havershaw!
Get this eyesore out of my showroom.
And if ever I find it here again,
someone is going to find himself
in a great deal of trouble!
Yes, sir. Of course.
Boys, here we go.
Here we go.
- Sorry. None of my business, is it?
- Perfectly all right.
- Goodbye.
- Oh. Goodbye.
- Good morning.
- Good morning. What do you want?
- Police.
- Right. What do you want?
Forgive me for pointing,
but have you ever seen that car before?
- No. No, I haven't.
- Hey, he's a cute little fella.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. I think I saw
that car at an agency yesterday.
Now, permit to inform
you of the following:
First, say nothing that would
jeopardize your constitutional rights.
Second, the minute
you get downtown,
I would advise
you get a good lawyer.
- Shall we go?
- Go? What for?
On suspicion of grand theft.
Now, wait a minute.
There's something cockeyed about this.
How did that little
car get here?
I share your curiosity.
Shall we go?
I'll do it.
Okay, I'll do it.
But I want to go on record. I have seen
some crummy stunts used to sell cars,
but this beats everything.
To plant this Bug
in the possession of an innocent man
and accuse me of stealing it!
How dare you, sir!
Are you suggesting I would
stoop to such tactics?
That's exactly
what I'm suggesting!
In the first place, it might
interest you to know that
under normal circumstances,
I would never sell a car
to someone with whom I'm not,
shall we say,
socially compatible.
- You'd sell a car...
- Please! Let's not
go through that again.
I think we've worked
it out very well.
Mr Douglas needs a car,
and for a very low amount down...
and the usual monthly payments,
the car will become his.
Very well, even though my inclination
is to have Mr Douglas clapped into jail,
and this four-wheeled contrivance
dropped into the bay!
- I think Mr Thorndyke
is being very fair.
- Fair? It's not fair!
I'm being muscled! I want you to know
that I know it and I don't like it!
I'll draw up the papers.
Would you come
with me, please?
Then get Mr Douglas
and his acquisition out of here...
before I lose my temper!
What in...
What's the matter?
You from L.A. Or something?
- I thought we'd run over to that
new restaurant in Marin County.
Have you gone mad?
Okay.
What's the joke?
- What do you mean?
- I don't know how you rigged it,
- but I'm sure that car's a real cutup
when a convention comes to town.
- What in the name...
If I'd wanted a trick car
I would have bought one in a joke shop.
Allow me to say I haven't the slightest
idea what you're talking about.
You come blithering up in
that beastly little car...
and assault
my personal Rolls Royce!
I brought it back.
I want my money,
I want the papers I signed,
then I'll get out and you two clowns
can have your little laugh.
Mr Douglas, if there is
anything wrong with the car,
would you be good enough
to tell me what it is?
It's just that that it wants to go
one way and I'd like to go the other.
- Whatever it is, none of it
is covered in our guarantee.
- I'm sure of that.
- If you examine paragraph 12...
- Excuse me, Mr Thorndyke.
If I sold this gentleman the car
I feel a certain responsibility.
Do you mind if I try it?
Miss Bennett!
Our dinner engagement.
I won't be a minute.
Seems to be acting
all right now.
Sometimes new car owners have a tendency
to exaggerate their problems.
We get that all the time.
Believe me, when I was
in this car alone...
Just treat it gently at first.
It really is a fine automobile.
Have you had much
experience with cars?
Look, lady, by profession
I'm a racing driver.
Oh, that Jim Douglas.
What do you mean,
"That Jim Douglas"?
Let's see, two years ago
at Laguna Seca...
you spun out and hung a beautiful
Buick Special on the back fence.
At Willow Springs,
a year ago last February,
you sprayed a Lotus
all over the infield.
How do you know all that?
I have trouble
with names and faces,
but I never forget a car.
I like good machinery.
Now, why don't you give
this little car a fair chance.
You bought it; enjoy it.
You can drive me back now.
What about it, dad?
Want to give that doodle bug a workout?
I'll go easy on ya.
Be serious, will ya?
- Did you see this thing take off?
- One of your showboat tricks.
I tell you, I had nothing to do with it.
Hey, we were turning.
Outta sight, man.
I wouldn't have believed it.
Groovy, pop. Groovy.
As long as the customer
finally seems pleased,
I'll just step out
and find myself a taxi.
Will you stop the car, please?
I'm trying!
Look!
It's just like I told you.
This thing's starting to act up again.
How very odd. When I was driving there
was no problem whatsoever.
I can't seem to do
anything with it!
Mr Douglas, I'm asking you nicely
to pull over and let me out!
Look, I'm sorry about your date,
I really am.
I didn't want you to miss
your dinner engagement.
What's the rush, tiger?
We got all night.
Goodbye, Mr Douglas.
Here, I'll help you.
I can get out, thank you.
What'll it be, chief?
Would you mind helping the lady
get her car door open?
Look, I'm busy.
And I ain't no mechanic.
All I do is sell food,
and that ain't too good.
You want somethin' or don't ya?
- Help!
- Two hamburgers and a coffee.
Help!
Can you help me, please?
Help! I'm a prisoner!
I can't get out!
We all prisoners,
chickie baby.
We all locked in.
Mmm.
A couple of weirdos, Guinevere.
What? Wait a minute.
Hold it, hold it.
Let me open the door.
Hey, knock it off,
will ya, sis?
I ain't sayin' this is
the classiest joint in town,
but we gotta draw
the line somewhere.
Come on,
back in your seat.
Why don't you go
up to Seabreeze Point?
- Fuzz don't bother you much up there.
- Thanks.
I wish there were some way
I could make up for those hamburgers.
Mr Douglas, please
don't go on about it.
I'm sure that if I were driving none
of these things would have happened.
It's all yours.
Now I think you'll
see what's what.
This is very embarrassing.
Yes, it is.
- I would have preferred knowing
you a little longer first.
- Just a minute!
- You don't think I drove
you here on purpose.
- Don't try to explain.
- The point is you brought me here.
- I did not bring you here!
It's this nasty little car.
- But you said yourself
it's a very nice little car.
- And as you said,
it does have some
peculiar traits.
And I agree with you completely.
- Bring it in tomorrow
and I'll find a replacement.
- I don't want the car replaced.
As a matter of fact,
I'm beginning to like it.
- Oh!
- Don't panic.
Don't panic. There must be
some place I can call a taxi.
Ooh!
Hey!
You know, for a moment
I thought you weren't going to stop.
What's the matter now?
Look, this is ridiculous.
Let's get back in the car, huh?
Hold it.
Hold it, everybody.
Just a moment, please.
Something the matter?
- Is this man bothering you?
- No, not exactly.
It's okay.
We're together.
- Is that your car?
- My...
Well, yes.
Yes, it is.
Okay, then.
Move along.
- Hey, bud.
- Yeah?
Not too smart
wandering around the park at night.
- Right.
- I'll drive.
She'll drive.
I should have given
you a citation.
You ought to have enough sense
to put your brakes on...
while your car is stopped!
Well then, if everything you say
about this car is true,
it's already
starting to happen.
- What's starting to happen?
- Us human beings.
We had a chance to make something
out of this world.
We blew it.
Okay.
- Another kind of civilization
is gonna take a turn.
- Give me an 11-mil wrench.
- I'm sitting up
on top of this mountain, right?
- Right.
- I'm surrounded by these gurus
and swamis and monks, right?
- Right.
- I'm lookin' at my stomach.
- Yeah.
- I'm knockin' back a little rice wine.
- Um-hmm.
Got some contemplation goin';
I see things like they are.
- I coulda told you all this was comin'.
- What's coming?
Jim, it's happening right under
our noses and we can't see it.
We take machines
and stuff 'em with information
until they're smarter than we are.
Take a car.
Most guys spread more
love and time and money...
on their car in a week than they do
on their wife and kids in a year.
Pretty soon,
you know what?
The machine starts
to think it is somebody.
I'm not saying a mechanical thing
can't be a friend.
Like, when I was
broke one summer,
there was this giant claw machine
in the Sutro Amusement Park.
It would grab cameras and watches
and drop them down a hole to me.
- And I would hock 'em and buy lunch.
You follow me?
- Yeah.
I think you were up
on that mountaintop too long.
Contrariwise, the traffic light
down the street hates my guts.
I don't know why.
But in the last six weeks...
I haven't caught anything
but a stop signal.
It makes me wait six seconds longer
than anybody else! I timed it!
Things like that happen
to lots of other people too.
But the other people
don't tell no other people,
because the other people
would say, "Hey-ey-ey-ey. "
Tennessee, that traffic light
is a lot of nuts and bolts.
This little car,
a lot of nuts and bolts.
Everything explains itself,
one way or the other.
- You're not listenin' to me.
- Don't lose your grip, old buddy.
This little car didn't do one thing
tonight that can't be explained...
in terms of short circuits, sprung
doors, grabbing steering, worn knuckles,
maybe some advertising gimmick.
I'll fix it.
- I don't think you got the picture.
- I got a beautiful picture.
This baby happens to have
an extra turn of speed,
which is the only thing
I care about.
You don't understand
what happens, do you?
They make 10,000 cars.
They make 'em exactly the same way.
One or two of 'em turn out
to be something special.
Nobody knows why.
I know why.
I may be kiddin' myself,
but I think I can make somethin'
out of that sad little bucket of bolts.
Save these.
They'll be famous someday.
I'm your friend.
Wanna take a ride? I want to check
those adjustments I made last night.
- Okay.
- Be right with you.
Hey! Hey, come here!
All right, get outta there. Out!
Come on.
Who do you guys think you are?
Stop clownin' around,
will ya?
Play it straight.
Don't give him any trouble.
You could have
a good home here.
- What's all that racket, huh?
- Nothin'. Nothin'.
Oh. Hop in.
What'd I tell ya?
Now it handles good.
- All the bugs are gone.
- Herbie's all right.
- Who's Herbie?
- This little car.
Named after my Uncle Herb.
He used to box middleweight.
Preliminary, mostly.
Gradually, his nose got
shaped more and more...
like to remind me of this little car.
- Do you mind?
- Whatever you say, Tennessee.
Herbie.
- I'll take 'em.
- Thank you, sir.
- Now, what's that for?
- An oil job.
- Huh?
- I got a small knock in my conscience.
Thanks.
Now we get down to business.
- You gonna race?
- What do you think?
Oh, boy!
Won't Herbie love that!
Le Mans, Monte Carlo.
Thrills, glamour,
the roar of the crowd!
He really does drive.
If you could give me one good reason
for bringing me down...
to this ridiculous desert, I...
Isn't that the scruffy little car
we had in the shop?
Now we're goin'!
You're doin' terrific, Herbie,
but don't make it look too easy.
Play it smart.
Okay, Jim! Go ahead!
You're murderin' 'em!
So, who cares?
I'll tell you one thing.
I certainly don't intend
losing any sleep over that absurd car.
Come on. Come on!
Now, Herbie!
Now! Now!
The winner, #53:
Jim Douglas, driving a Class-D Special.
- Congratulations.
- Good race, Jim.
- Thanks, Ray.
- Boy, was Herbie ever great today.
I was out there too. Wouldn't you say
that was a fair piece of driving?
Hey, I'm not trying to take
anything away from you,
but you gotta admit that this little guy
backed you all the way.
Yeah.
It's a nice little car.
You know somethin' else?
For the first time in a long while,
I felt my real self out there.
A sense of authority like
the top drivers have, you know?
I kinda felt you felt that.
Tennessee, I wouldn't admit this
to anybody else, but...
I was beginnin' to think
I'd never be anything more
than a piston-happy, lead foot punk.
Then this starts to happen.
I'm glad for you, Jim.
You know that.
Well, hello.
I see you finally learned how to
handle this car. Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- What have you done to this thing?
Oh, an adjustment here,
an adjustment there.
You want to sell it back?
I own most of it anyway, you know.
Still 23 payments to go.
- Well, uh...
- I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll take the car and give you
$1,000 clear. What do you say?
No. You don't wanna do that.
It's all right, Tennessee.
I know what I'm doing.
I think Mr Thorndyke
is a little mixed up
as to who or what won that race.
- And what does that mean?
- Someday, I'll teach you...
not to confuse the car
with the driver.
I should welcome the opportunity.
Mr Thorndyke, I think
that's a very good idea of yours.
- What is?
- You're racing in the Libra Open...
- at Riverside
at the end of the month, right?
- Yes.
Well, I'm sure that
Mr Douglas would like to get...
- the remainder
of his payments off his back.
- No doubt.
But why should I think
that's a good idea?
Well, if Mr Douglas
entered the race,
he could bet his share of the little car
against the remaining payments.
What do you say, Douglas?
The winner to become
the sole owner of the car.
A moment ago, you mentioned
teaching me a lesson.
Do I now detect
a note of timidity?
Racing. That's the name
of the game, isn't it?
Win or lose.
Put up or shut up.
- You got yourself a deal, Thorndyke.
- Splendid.
The drivers' meeting is over.
Now, the third race of the afternoon...
will get under way
here at Riverside.
You keep your eye on your friend
in the Bug, my dear.
I'm going to squash him.
Clear the grid, please.
I can't help feelin' yippy.
If anything goes wrong,
we'll lose Herbie altogether.
- I thought you were the guy
with all the faith in this car.
- Yeah, I got it. Yeah.
And now the starter
has his flag in the air.
The engines are started,
and in just a moment,
we'll have the start.
All the cars looking
very smart on the grid.
Drivers in the first row
signifying that they're ready to race.
Their hands extended in the air.
The flag is up, and there they go!
Cars stretching out now. All cars off
the starting grid and through turn one.
Through the S's now.
Down the back straight, well by himself
now, is the #14 car of Thorndyke...
going into the sweeper turn.
The rest of the field well stretched out
as they charge down the back straight.
Not yet, Herbie!
Not yet!
The standings in lap 23: Thorndyke,
still leading; Lesser, running second;
and Erwin in third place.
Now, Herbie! Now!
Now, car #53... Douglas...
starts to make a move,
picking up cars
as he goes by car #20.
Into the sweeper,
very hard and fast.
Going through traffic,
passing #23 now...
is car #53... Douglas.
He has just come alive
and is making a challenge in this race.
Passing cars as he goes down
the back straight,
car #53... Douglas...
making his bid.
Into the straight now
is Thorndyke, car #14.
Now the pressure's on. Douglas in #53
is starting to close on Thorndyke, #14.
Douglas has just come alive...
and is pressing the leader now.
Now making his bid to pass,
but he can't get by.
He's being shut off
by Thorndyke in the #14 car.
Douglas goes slightly off course,
takes out some markers...
and apparently is out of control,
He crashes into the #4 shutoff marker.
Thorndyke continuing on
as the #53 car lets this one...
Now he's making
his reentry!
Look out!
- Hey, nice scoring, champ.
- Thank you very much.
Hey, what a champ.
Way to drive.
Just a moment, Mr Thorndyke.
You don't have...
I demand that this thing
is impounded and checked!
- I tell you there's more going
on here than meets the eye!
Muchas gracias,
seor.
Gracias.
A usted tambien.
Ya consigui un gorrito
el pelado!
Cmo est maestro?
Oye se re!
You don't look well
in these pictures lately.
How could I look well?
I haven't been able to sleep.
That rotten car
is driving me piffy!
Has it occurred to you
it may not be the rotten car?
- Perhaps it's the way Mr Douglas drives.
- Balderdash!
There isn't a driver in the world
who can get that speed
out of a car like that.
No, he's done something to it,
and I've got to find out what!
You've become obsessed
by this whole thing.
There are other cars, other races.
Why don't you just forget it?
My dear child,
how little you know me.
- Yes, Mr Thorndyke.
- Carole?
- How long have you been with us?
- A year and a half, almost two. Why?
I'm afraid I've been
a little remiss...
in not telling you before now how very
well you've proved in all your duties.
Well, thank you.
And, Carole, as I realize
you have the best interests
of this organization at heart,
I want you to accede
to a somewhat unusual request.
Oh?
Peter Thorndyke.
It's for you.
All right.
You can take it here.
Thank you.
Yes, good afternoon.
Oh, I think that
should be quite all right.
Uh, 7:30 will be fine.
Yes. Uh, bye.
- I think I'll...
- I'd like you to see this Douglas,
get to know him.
Who knows? If he has the talents
of which I believe him capable,
perhaps we can give him
the opportunity...
of joining our organization,
racing under our colours.
- But first, we must know
something about him.
- How about tonight?
- Very good.
- At 7:30?
Very good!
Why waste time?
Oh, and Carole,
another thing.
Leave your car. Take the Special.
He likes that one.
Uh, thank you.
I think I ought to tell you that
that was Mr Douglas who just called.
Excellent.
Strike while the iron is hot.
In all honesty,
I should like to point out...
that I agreed to have dinner with him
before you suggested it.
I salute your honesty, my dear...
a quality not necessarily
to be despised.
Thank you.
A very loyal girl.
- Got Herbie all polished out for ya.
- Uh, Carole Bennett called back.
- She's going to pick me up
in the Special.
- You're not takin' Herbie?
He's looking forward to some relaxation
just like you are.
The car is...
- See you later, Tennessee.
- Some thanks
after what Herbie did for you.
Don't let it get ya, Herbie.
Jim didn't mean it.
Don't forget: He isn't the first guy
ever to lose his head...
over a bucket seat
and a paint job.
He'll come to his senses.
- Good evening.
- Sorry. The other rats
are out for the evening!
No, no! Please.
I didn't come by to see Mr Douglas.
- I came by to pay my respects
to that gallant little car.
- Huh?
There it is.
- What a marvel it is, indeed.
- I don't get you, fella.
Oh, come, come, sir. I know
a rare bit of machinery when I see one.
And after all,
who should know it better than I?
I, who have been trounced
time and again by this... this paragon.
You'll forgive me
for saying so, sir,
but it does take class to know
when it has been defeated by class.
You know somethin', Mr Thorndyke?
I may have misjudged you.
- Well, thank you.
- I've been misjudging
a lot of people lately.
Would you like a drink?
Some Irish coffee?
Specialty of the house.
My own mother's recipe.
- That's very kind of you.
I'd love it. Thank you.
- I'll be back in a jiffy!
That's most kind.
Thank you so much.
It's just incredible, isn't it, to think
that this innocent-seeming object...
is, is capable
of such great deeds.
How, indeed.
The trick is, always remember
to have asbestos gloves...
when you make coffee this way.
Fascinating. Yes.
Yes. Quite...
Quite fascinating.
Here we go.
Oh. How very refreshing.
Oh, thank you.
- Up the Irish.
- To the little car, a gallant adversary.
- And may the best car win at Riverside.
- May the best car win.
Oh, that's very good, isn't it?
Very good, indeed.
- Like it?
- What do you think?
I can't stand that hungry look
any longer.
Take over.
You know what I said to myself
the first time I saw you?
- What?
- I said to myself,
"Now, there's a real lady. "
This is how it ought to be...
me and these kind of wheels.
Excuse me asking, but aren't you
doing all right with the little car?
Sure, but can you imagine how
I'd make it with equipment like this?
Is it so important to you?
Without a real car,
I'm only half a man.
What part of Ireland did you say
your mother came from?
Coney Ireland.
I'm going to make some more coffee.
Oh, uh, would you like a spot of this?
- I like a spot of anything.
- I'm so sorry.
Now, we're gonna drink to Herbie,
- The greatest little car
in the whole world.
- Yes. Quite right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hear, hear. Hear, hear.
- To Herbie.
- To Herbie. So sorry about your hand.
I do apologize.
To Herbie.
What do you know?
The engine stalled.
How about that?
The door's stuck.
- Mmm.
- That's how it is with cars sometimes.
- Yes.
- I guess we'll have to wait
and see what happens next.
Well, as someone
very wisely once said,
"That's how it is
with cars sometimes. "
- I just said that.
- Oh.
I wonder if your reputation
is altogether true.
What's my reputation?
Oh, I've heard that Jim Douglas is only
interested in fast cars and easy money.
Not true.
- Oh?
- Mm-hmm.
- You know something else?
- What?
When the light
hits you just right,
you're as beautiful
as General Grant on a $50 bill.
Oh, dear me.
You wanna know the secret
of the little car?
I do, indeed.
- I'll tell ya
the secret of the little car.
- No, no, no. Just a minute.
All right. Tell me.
It's heart.
That's what it is: Heart.
Heart. Yes.
Well, I'm certainly going
to make a note of that.
- Headache gone?
- All gone.
Anticipation of victory
is the purest form of aspirin.
- This is my day.
- Clear the grid.
Clear the grid, please.
- You seem very confident.
- You know, I believe I am.
They leave the
starting grid, going into turn one.
The field's stretching out now.
Everybody getting through
turn one very nicely.
Very fine field of cars here.
And coming through traffic now, making a
move, is Peter Thorndyke in the #14 car.
Picking up a few cars
in that turn.
Now he comes by and picks up three
more cars, going into the lead now.
Thorndyke leading this race
in car #14.
Now making a move
is car #53, Douglas,
who also picks up about three cars
as he goes charging through traffic...
and is in hot pursuit
of Thorndyke in the #14 car.
As they go down the back straight,
comin' on pretty hard and fast...
is car #53 making the pass.
Attaway, Jimmy boy!
Go, Jimmy!
So far, Jim Douglas seems to have
everything pretty much to himself.
He comes through the S's
into turn six well in control...
As they come down the back straight,
Douglas is slowing down...
and Thorndyke goes rocketing by
into the sweeper turn.
It looks as though the Douglas car
is having trouble.
Yes, #53 is fading fast.
It is developing a problem
of some kind.
Come in! Come in!
Come in!
Irish coffee.
I'll be here all night
if necessary.
I can take any amount of this.
Right. There we are.
Don't worry, little guy.
You'll be home soon.
There we are.
Right. Right you are.
Do you mind standing clear? They want
me on my own. I'll see you in a minute.
Poor little fella.
You got a temperature.
Don't worry.
Jim'll be back soon.
He never would've left if it
hadn't been somethin' important.
I know. Nothing worse
than an Irish coffee hangover.
That you, Jim?
- Mind if I come in?
- Sure. Come on.
I wouldn't blame you
if you threw me out.
On account of what Thorndyke did?
How can I blame anyone? Thorndyke ruined
the little car right under my nose.
- Where's Jim?
- Don't know.
He went out as soon as we got back.
Didn't say a word.
Left Herbie and me flat.
Doesn't he take care
of his car after a race?
Can you do something?
Like what?
Well, h-help the little car.
I'm not a mechanic,
but I think it's suffering.
- Suffering?
- Please.
- Mind if I use those coveralls?
- Right.
Oh, uh, look. I wanna tell you
so you don't have to worry.
I'm not with Peter Thorndyke any more.
I don't think his way.
- Oh, I know that.
- How do you know?
Well, Herbie wouldn't like you
otherwise.
Herbie wouldn't like me?
Miss Bennett, I gotta...
I gotta level with somebody.
I can't talk to Jim.
It would destroy him.
You don't know what it was like
before the little car came along.
Jim was defeated. It was murder.
He couldn't get a job.
He got into trouble.
Everybody was on his back.
Then, Herbie came into his life.
Do you remember that day?
I remember.
Well, Jim started
winnin' races again.
He got
his self-respect back.
What am I gonna do? Tell him that it was
Herbie winning those races, not him?
- Uh, was it Herbie?
- Well, I...
You fix the little car.
I'll tell ya what's goin' on.
I didn't know nothin'.
Then I went to Tibet.
I plugged into
this contemplation thing.
- How's that sound?
- Like the song of a bluebird.
Well, the fuel lines are clean.
The plugs are clean. Wiring checks out.
Looks like we're
in pretty good shape.
Herbie and I
sure appreciate it.
You don't believe a word I said
about this little car, do ya?
Well, there's always a first time.
I imagine Adam thought woman...
was a pretty funny piece of equipment
when he met Eve.
Well, that's a start. You can't believe
it all right away. It takes time.
- Hello there.
- Hi.
- What's this?
- You ever see anything so beautiful?
- Very nice.
What's the big idea?
You already got a car.
- Not after what happened today, I don't.
- Aw, shut up.
- You want Herbie to hear you?
- Don't start that again, Tennessee.
Look, the El Dorado is coming up.
There are real cars lined up in there.
I need something that can cut it.
- Herbie's cut it so far, hasn't he?
- Of course he has!
Now hold it, you two. I've done great
with this little car so far,
thanks to a few changes I made,
and if you don't mind,
some pretty fair country drivin'.
But... I gotta
stop kiddin' myself.
I need a big, strong car.
Now I got it.
Don't pay any attention.
Don't even look at it.
Hello.
Peter Thorndyke here.
Well, well.
Yeah, I know what you did to my car.
You need your brains kicked out.
Oh, you can imagine
how I must feel.
You see, I'm simply not responsible when
I've been drinking. You know how it is.
- Forget it, and goodbye.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I understand from a friend of mine that
you purchased a new Lamborghini today.
- So?
- I'm also informed that you owe
a great deal of money on it.
Now, myself, for sentimental reasons,
I like the little car,
and I am perfectly willing
to increase my previous offer...
and give you $1,500 for it.
Now. Immediately.
I'm in the vicinity.
Thorndyke, I don't like you,
but I can use your money.
You got yourself a deal.
Come and get it.
- What do you mean, "A deal"?
- I'm selling the little car.
- You're what?
- Don't make a fuss.
I need the money.
You crumb!
You can't do that to Herbie!
Carole, will you tell him how it is
out in the real world?
Me? Huh! Well!
Near as I can figure it,
I'm not too smart either.
I get rid of one heel
just in time to find another.
Well, now, what happened to you?
I thought you'd be on my side.
Not when you do something
like this to Herbie.
Has everybody gone nuts
around here?
I can understand how Tennessee feels.
He's just in off a flying saucer.
But you...
I thought you made sense.
Something tells me it's very,
very wrong to sell that little car.
Thank you for your opinion, but what
am I supposed to do? I need the money.
- Tennessee, if I don't sell the car...
- Don't talk to me.
I'm s... I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have butted in.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
As a matter of fact, I don't know...
What are you doing here?
I wish I knew.
I really wish I knew!
If I weren't so young and innocent,
a certain thought might enter my mind.
- Such as?
- Such as you went out
with me last night...
so that Thorndyke could get
a shot at the little car.
Is that what you think?
- Got to admit, it's tempting.
- Okay.
Okay. You wanna know
what I was doing here?
Well, I felt sorry
about what happened today.
So I quit Thorndyke and came over here
like a full-grown idiot...
to find out
if I could make up for it.
Isn't that
"Dial a beautiful thought for the day"?
Very touching. Makes me glow.
I think it's about time someone
told you what the score is.
Tennessee's too tenderhearted.
You really think it was you
winning those races?
Yes, I think it was me winning...
What do you mean it wasn't me
winning those races?
- Pardon me.
- You want me to tell you something,
my windbag friend?
I admit, I didn't believe it
when Tennessee told me before,
but now I see it makes
all kinds of sense.
- W-W-What?
- That thimble head of yours
has gotten all swelled up.
You're not winning any of those races.
You couldn't win a game of marbles
from a 12-toed myopic rhinoceros!
Will you knock it off out there,
Tennessee? Can't hear myself think.
I'm not out there, crumb.
I'm here.
Well, hold it down. I'll...
Well, then what's this noise?
No!
Stop it! Stop it!
You don't know what you're doin'!
Look! Look what
it did to my car.
- Okay, maybe it was a little jealous.
- Of course it's jealous.
It's always been jealous because
I get credit for winning those races!
Go on.
Realize what you're sayin'?
At a time like this,
whatever kind of time it is,
I always say that money
serves to ease the pain.
Good evening, my dear.
Here you are, sir.
Fifteen hundred dollars for
the small car, just as I promised.
I note it's not
in mint condition,
but I am nothing
if not always a man of my word.
Uh, uh, 2,000.
What about 2,000?
It's the least I can do to help
a fellow human at a time like this.
Shall we consider it a deal?
- Two thousand dollars?
- Yes.
Two thousand dollars
for that little beat-up car? Why?
Well, you could say I have a warm place
in my heart for the dear little thing.
You don't have a warm place on your
whole body. What do you want it for?
You don't want it; I do.
Take the money.
- You... You too!
- Now, look, Douglas,
there's no need to be abusive.
- I'm trying to give you some money!
- I don't want your money!
What do you want the car for?
You believe it.
You believe it too!
- Believe what?
- Jim, it don't matter whether
you believe Herbie or not.
Herbie don't believe
in you no more.
Huh?
Where'd he go?
Where is he?
Took off.
What do you expect?
- Well, come on. Let's find him.
- This is a private thing
between the two of you.
Good luck.
Herbie?
Herbie!
A rum lot you've
taken up with, my dear.
You'd better find that car
before I do, my friend.
- Operator.
- Mobile KQX-2942.
I want 567-3998.
Havershaw, I shall
require the personnel...
of both our day
and night shifts.
We have a small task to perform.
Herbie?
Herbie!
That's it.
Herbie!
Excuse me.
- Havershaw, tear it apart!
- All right, boys.
You heard Mr Thorndyke.
Tear it apart.
I'm gonna find out what makes it tick!
- After it!
- After it!
Go on!
Grab the brute!
Hang on to it, you fools!
Hang on!
Herbie!
Give me police station.
Hello, police station?
Herbie?
Hey, you...
- Did a little car come by here?
- Yeah, just did, without payin' the...
No, Herbie, don't!
Herbie!
Herb, back up!
Herbie!
Come on, baby. It's gonna
be a beautiful day tomorrow.
Aaah!
Herbie, give me some help.
Herb?
I can't hang on much longer.
Boy, was he lucky.
This little car saved his life.
What do you mean,
the car saved his life?
That's what it looked like
for a moment there. L...
You know how funny
things can look i-in the fog sometimes.
- I think you've been up on that
Haight-Ashbury beat too long.
Swing that light over here.
Aha!
- What's that thing?
- It's a dried squid, Sergeant.
Hmm.
Here's the damages.
Can you pay it?
- I'm sorry. I have no money.
- Then your car will be impounded.
My guess is the judge will order you
to sell it at auction
and the proceeds given to Mr Wu.
Wait a minute.
May I speak to the gentleman, please?
I spent some time up on
a Chinese-type mountain...
teachin' English to some of 'em.
You taught English?
Let's don't get personal.
It's a matter of talkin'
their language.
You have a little feel for tradition
and some courtesy, you'd be surprised.
You can unscrew the "unscrutable. "
Go ahead.
Ah. Ah, ah, ah.
Herbie-la!
- Herbie?
- Herbie!
- Ho!
- Ho!
- Things are shapin' up. He's a car buff.
- Good, good.
- Wow.
- What's the matter?
We just got a new problem.
He likes the car so much
he wants to keep it.
Okay, the car is his, but he has
to let me drive it in the El Dorado.
If I win, tell him
he gets to keep the prize money,
but he has to sell Herbie
back to me for a dollar.
Now you speak my language.
Attention: Drivers
and owners report to Mr Granatelli...
at the president's headquarters.
Further, you must remain
on the secondary roads
which have been posted for this race.
Other than that, we've tried
to reduce the rules to a minimum.
Instead of all this technical
namby-pamby there's so much of today,
we're putting the emphasis
on speed, endurance and courage,
the way it used to be.
As you know, this is
open formula racing. Anything goes.
Any style of car
and crew you wish.
The object, gentlemen, is to win.
I wish you all the very best of luck.
Mr Wu? I understand that you are
the new owner of the Douglas car.
As I too am interested in the vehicle,
I took the liberty of looking you up.
- Thank you.
- You will therefore forgive me, sir,
when I say...
that you are perhaps
not quite as naive as you look.
In point of fact,
you are a very shrewd operator,
one who has managed to acquire,
by one means or another...
legitimate means, of course...
a number of varied enterprises.
It is truly written:
One cannot lose 'em all.
In the light of this,
would you entertain a sizable wager...
on the outcome of the race?
Wager? The goddess of fortune will
always find me her most ardent suitor.
Splendid. Splendid. Shall we step
in here? A little more private.
You're Mr Thorndyke.
I've always wanted to meet you.
You've heard of me?
How charming!
Are you not the gentleman who originated
the idea of small print...
on bottom of automobile
sales contract?
The very same.
- A most worthy adversary.
- You are most kind.
And now, sir,
the terms of our wager?
What would you like?
What have you got?
- Okay, let's mount up.
- How's our little friend?
- I hope it holds together.
- Holds together?
It was so beat up, I had to cut
the frame to straighten it out.
Excuse me.
Is this the morning bus to Fresno?
Thorndyke,
this little car goes so fast,
we need three people inside
to hold it on the ground.
Well, you certainly picked
the right crew. Toodle-oo.
Break a leg, Thorndyke.
Havershaw. I trust you've not
been wasting your time.
- Spent a few useful moments
with the small car?
- Yes, sir.
Based, then,
on what you now know,
what would you say are the chances
of victory for the Douglas car?
I would say that they range
from slight to impossible.
Havershaw, you are a rat
after my own heart.
Thank you, sir.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
You're giving it a nice ride.
Okay to uncurl my toes now?
We past everybody?
- Everyone but Thorndyke.
- Let's go to work.
They're coming up on us, sir.
Well, we're not
too concerned, are we?
Now, Havershaw,
aren't we coming to that rather
dangerous oily spot in the road?
Coming right up, sir.
Come on! Push!
Push, you worm!
Jim, that's water!
Here we go!
Mr Thorndyke,
that isn't me!
Give me something
to wipe my goggles.
Havershaw, you ever think
of having a manicure?
There they are.
Now watch me
blow them off the road.
Who's the guy
in the fur coat?
This is no time
for eating, you fool!
Where are we?
How far is Chinese Camp?
What's the matter with you?
Don't you even know how to open a map?
At the moment, the leaders
of the race are approaching...
the historic mining towns
of the mother lode.
In first position,
as he moves past checkpoint three,
is Jim Douglas.
Peter Thorndyke in the Special
has regained his relief driver...
and is rapidly making up lost ground
as the two Pacemakers...
near the famous old mining community
of Chinese Camp.
- Now what?
- I don't know.
We can't be out of gas so soon.
Here.
Wait a minute.
- I got a suspicion.
- What's the matter?
Just as I thought. Water.
They did it again.
- Now what do we do?
- Give me the map.
All right. It looks like Chinese Camp's
about three miles from here.
- Now, if we come down the...
- Hey.
What goes?
No sweat, man.
This is Uncle Wu's car.
You don't think he'd
let anyone put it down, do ya?
E- Easy, fellas.
The Jim Douglas car appears
to have run into trouble.
There has been no sign of him
past checkpoint nine.
Peter Thorndyke is
refuelling at Chinese Camp.
Come on! Come on, will you!
I'm in a hurry!
Sure thing.
I tell Father.
My father say,
"Hurry is waste.
Waste is cracked bowl
which never know rice. "
I don't care how cracked your father's
rice bowl is! What I want...
Hey! Some of you people
get over here right away!
Okay, you're on your way.
I'm getting out of here.
Not full. Can't go yet.
Well, just you watch me.
As we come to the midway point
in the first day's racing,
Peter Thorndyke,
after a delay at Chinese Camp,
is beginning to catch up
with the rest of the field.
That knocked him off
the Christmas tree, sir.
This is our kind of terrain
from here on out. All downhill.
How true it is that the best ways
are the simplest ways after all.
- That's what I always say, sir...
- Oh, shut up!
We should be coming soon to what
is either a rail tunnel or a bridge.
Oh, here's a tunnel.
That must be it.
- What are you doin'?
- It's an elevator.
But Herbie doesn't fit.
Everybody out.
No sign of them.
You may open the wine now,
Havershaw.
It's chilled the way
you like it, sir.
All right, give me a hand.
All together now.
To you, sir.
My unbounded admiration.
Thank you.
Mmm! You know something
about champagne, sir?
Havershaw, if you tell me that
the bubbles tickle your nose,
I shall probably kill you!
Get rid of that slop!
Shouldn't that wheel
have come off by now?
It's long overdue, sir.
I'm terribly embarrassed by the delay.
- I don't know what could...
- Stop whimpering!
I'll just give them
a friendly nudge.
Hey, where'd
that wheel come from?
Hold it!
Don't do anything sudden.
Is it all right
if I just cry real soft?
Carole, put your feet
back here on the bumper.
Come on.
Now give me your hand.
Just let go. Let go.
Give me your hand.
- I'm trying, but my mind
don't get the message.
- Come on. Come on.
Now come right over the top.
Atta boy.
All right. Let's get the spare wheel on
and get Herbie back on the road.
Thorndyke again.
He made a pizza out of it.
And now, here in Virginia City,
the terminal point for
the first day of the El Dorado,
we're all looking down
the road from the west.
And actually at any moment now,
we should be seeing the car...
that will complete the first half of
the El Dorado, the run for the gold.
Up in the judges stand
the judges and the timers are ready.
- Just a moment. The first car
is coming in sight right now.
He is really flying down the road.
And there he goes by us.
You making it all right,
Tennessee?
Ohh!
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Whoa!
Stop, Jim, will you!
Now, don't anybody breathe.
Ready?
Aaah!
Actually, at this hour
only one car is unaccounted for.
There's been absolutely
no word of the Douglas Special,
which figured so very prominently
in the early stages of the race today.
Well, I see the judges are closing down
for the night, and, by golly, so are we.
But we'll return to the El Dorado
at 7:30 tomorrow morning...
to bring you the start of the second and
the final lap back to Yosemite Valley.
Good night, everyone.
A little bird's nest soup
never hurt anyone.
Thank you.
Oh, thanks.
I hope this holds together.
I'm puttin' welds
on top of welds.
Mr Wu, the wiring
is mostly all burned off.
The cylinder walls are scored;
the carburettor's a mess;
the body's sprung.
This little car ripped itself to pieces
trying to get us here.
It gave us everything it's got.
Now, maybe we can patch it
back together. I don't know.
But how can I send it back
into that rat race tomorrow?
It's got nothing left to give.
It's your car.
What do you say?
A wise man once said,
"When you come to last page,
close the book. "
You let that little car
get under your skin, didn't you?
I don't know.
There's a lot of gloop
been written about, uh,
the bond between a man
and his automobile and...
how he hates it sometimes,
mostly how he loves it.
He showers gifts on it...
in the way of accessories
and all that.
He gets hysterical if somebody
scratches the paint or...
makes it lose face
on the freeway.
Maybe some of those feelings
got into the machinery. I don't know.
Tennessee thinks so.
Don't you?
There is something real
about that little car,
something that
doesn't even have a name.
What I don't understand is, out of
the millions of people in the world,
why it picked a dogeared
second-rater like me.
You stood up for it once.
I guess it thought you were...
worth belonging to.
I understand that.
Ah, Douglas.
Didn't mean to disturb you.
- We'll just take the car and go.
- What are you talking about?
I understand that you
are out of the race.
What does that have
to do with you?
Speaking as the new owner
of the car,
I'd regard your question
as impertinent.
- I'm going to hoist it up
and drag it out.
- Hold it!
Who said you were
the new owner of the car?
Perhaps Mr Wu would like to explain
how he wagered the car...
on the outcome of the race.
Even as you, I believed in the car;
I thought it would win.
More honestly,
I could not resist the odds.
Thank you.
Good sir, would you say
that this is a compact car?
You do not answer.
Well, let me tell you that
you have never seen a compact car...
until you see what
I'm going to do with this.
Mr Douglas, I have a friend
with a claw-and-hook...
auto wrecking company
in San Francisco,
and he's going to work
on your car.
Maybe he'll transform it
into a birdbath.
Or what about a nice doormat
so I can wipe my feet on it every day?
It's too bad this thing
doesn't have the gumption...
to get up to the starting line
this morning.
I should have enjoyed beating it.
- Ohh!
- Why, you!
Take your hand...
Get your hand off...
Stop! Herbie, stop!
Hey, you know something?
Small car very angry.
And very strong.
The strength of 40 horses.
What do you think
about that race coming up?
You know, I think now...
is chance to remove
egg foo yung off of face.
Well, this morning, the second
and the final lap of the El Dorado.
From Virginia City to Yosemite,
the run for the gold.
Out there we see in first position
and all ready to go...
Peter Thorndyke
in his Thorndyke Special.
Hey!
These mechanics have done a real
fine job in keying these engines up.
Come on, baby. Come on.
Save it for the race.
One more foul-up like this,
Douglas, you're disqualified.
It seemed to be trying
to get at us, sir.
Of course it was, Havershaw!
There's no use trying to blink the fact.
It's either us or it this time.
We're now getting reports
from our checkpoint number 14.
This one tells us
that the Thorndyke car...
is still holding first position
at this time.
And while here
in Virginia City,
we're preparing to dispatch
the last of our contestants.
That would be
the Jim Douglas Special.
Hang tight.
This may be a fast takeoff.
Now.
- Good stuff, Herb.
- No more shortcuts like that last one.
Oh, this won't be anything
like that last one.
Thorndyke.
Nice going, Herbie.
We've almost got him.
Hooray.
- What fool laid out these streets?
- But you're driving superbly.
Hey, you got something
against driving on the streets?
- Any sign of them?
- Not a glimmer, sir.
Very well, then. Now I've
finished being Generous George.
He's moving up.
There are times like this...
when I really don't like
myself very much.
What happened to it?
I'd say it's gone for that
last big lube job up yonder.
Ohh! Ohh!
Ohh!
Here it comes again, sir.
Havershaw, I am not
a cowardly man,
but I am beginning to sense
that that thing is out to get me.
Now, now. None of that, sir.
We're not losing our nerve, are we?
Blast you, Havershaw!
How dare you patronize me.
I am not losing my nerve!
No, sir. No, sir.
Of course not, sir. No, no.
I think Herbie did something
to himself that last fall.
What do you mean?
Well... like maybe
he won't hang together much longer.
- What happened to Thorndyke?
- I don't know.
It was like he disappeared.
- Do you hear something?
- It sounds like one of the cylinders.
That's impossible.
The cylinders are in the back.
That's a point
I find puzzling.
Get me out of here!
- Oh, my...
- Get that side!
Goodness. Oh.
Here.
Turn him around.
Okay, on your way.
Let's go!
Havershaw!
The leaders have now passed
the final checkpoint.
We're now moving outside,
and we should be seeing them
at the finish line in a few minutes.
The word is,
the Douglas car is in the lead,
but the Thorndyke car is moving up.
Uh-oh.
I think we got a problem.
Carole, turn around.
Grab hold of that strap
and pull.
You okay?
Fine... Look!
There's another one.
I got it!
- What goes on?
- Just keep drivin'!
Try not to think about
what I'm doing!
Well, that's that. What's... Aah!
I can't weld that!
Give me your hand!
What are we gonna do, jump?
- No! Pull!
- Pull?
Whoa!
Whoa! Jim! Help!
I think you better stop
before someone gets hurt.
No dice.
Herbie doesn't want to stop.
There it is.
I'll bomb the thing off the road
once and for all!
Rotten sportsmanship,
if you ask me.
Here at the finish, we're still waiting
for our first glimpse of the leaders.
Yes. Yes,
there they are!
The Thorndyke car now seems to have
a slight edge on the Douglas car,
which is hanging right in there.
You have him now, sir.
Don't falter.
I'm not going to falter,
you dimwit.
Good-o, sir. Good-o.
You can't lose.
You can't possibly lo...
W- We won!
We won!
Oh!
The little car takes first...
and third place.
Aaah!
Do what? Kiss?
You better believe it. Come here.
"Couldn't lose,"
I think you said.
I don't like to remind you, sir,
but if only you'd read the terms...
of that stupid wager
you made with Mr Wu...
Havershaw, you're despicable.
Havershaw, I shan't pretend
that I don't know what you're thinking.
However, I pride myself
on being a good judge of character.
And when I ask myself,
"Could this man be capable
of such an act of pettiness and...
base ingratitude... "
I accept that as your answer.
- Thanks, Herbie. So long, Mr Wu.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Mr Wu.
- Bye, Tennessee.
So long, Jim.
It's none of my business, but where
are you going on your honeymoon?
We don't know.
Herb hasn't told us yet.
Let's go, Herb.
Goodbye, Herbie.
at that prize money.
- Okay for next Sunday?
- No, Jim. It ain't okay.
- Now, look, Bice...
- No, you look.
All of my drivers
are 18, 19.
You're too old
for these kid snorts.
You're liable
to get hurt in there.
You used to be a big track driver.
Ain't you got no pride?
I ran out of pride
when I ran out of cars.
Jim, you gotta look
at yourself.
Okay, you start out all right.
You win a couple of tracks,
you think you're on your way.
But it didn't
work out, did it?
- Much obliged.
- You need any money?
Nope.
Hey.
What do you do
with this stuff?
It's for a friend.
Hey! How'd it go?
Okay.
- I brought you something.
- Oh, thanks.
Aw, the poor thing.
I'll find a good spot for it.
- You got hurt again.
- So?
One of these days you're
gonna get wiped out entirely.
Why you gotta be a driver?
Maybe that's not
your thing, racing.
How about all those car agencies
down on Van Ness?
I bet a top mechanic there
gets a lot of good bread laid on him.
What is the matter
with everybody?
Can't you understand?
I'm not a mechanic, I'm a driver.
I know just how you feel, Jim.
Hey, I used to think I was
happy painting flower seeds.
Then one day, inside me,
this little voice says,
"Tennessee Steinmetz. "
I said, "What?"
It said, "You ain't happy. "
Tennessee, why is it the only thing
we have in this house is parrot food?
- I mean, we don't have a parrot.
- Eat that. That's good.
That's pressed kelp.
That aerates your liver.
Then this voice inside
of me continued as follows:
"This is nowhere.
Ya gotta make a new scene.
Ya gotta change your bag. "
That's when I split.
I went to Tibet,
to a mountaintop,
with swamis and monks.
I discovered my real self.
It was wonderful.
I don't have
to go to Tibet.
I know who I am.
I know what I want.
There are dirt track races at a carnival
near Bakersfield this week.
If I can get over there
I can pick up a couple of bucks.
Okay to use your wheels?
Okay, but you're gonna have
a little trouble getting it started.
Where's the beast?
You didn't
cut up the Edsel.
It came over me
all of a sudden.
It was the only
decent thing to do.
Believe me, Jim,
it'll be happier up there.
Are you all right?
Are you dizzy?
Oh, no. There's a slight
racking pain in my head here.
Oh, well, I think you'd better sit down.
I'm really terribly sorry.
Well, it's not your fault.
I didn't mean to startle you.
Looks like you've been running
into all sorts of things lately.
Yeah. Oh, this
is just a little...
- Oh, lady.
- Oh, really, sir.
Excuse me.
Over 400 cubes.
Dual quads, all synchro box,
zero to 60 under five.
All right, Miss Bennett.
I'll see to this gentleman myself.
May I be of service, sir?
I see that you're a person
who appreciates fine things.
You're no doubt aware that this
is the celebrated Thorndyke special.
Allow me to say, sir,
that I think this car
would suit you very well.
Yes.
Yes, it would.
- May I offer you a glass
of sherry and a biscuit?
- Go right ahead.
I take it the question of price
does not greatly concern
a gentleman like yourself.
Oh, I wouldn't haggle
if that's what you mean.
What price range
did you have in mind?
About $75.
$75.
I could go 80 in a pinch.
What do you have in the way of
cheap, honest transportation?
Cheap, honest transportation!
I will bid you good day, sir.
Good day.
Hey!
Havershaw!
Now, where did
this come from?
- Mr Thorndyke, yes, sir?
- What is this thing
doing in my showroom?
I believe Miss Bennett
may know something about this.
Yes. You remember when Mrs van Luit
purchased her new Bentley?
She also requested us to buy
a small used car for her upstairs maid.
Then why isn't her upstairs maid
in her blasted vehicle?
The car was returned
this morning, Mr Thorndyke.
She was having some kind
of difficulty with it.
- Get it out of here!
- Yes, sir.
What's that for?
- I beg your pardon?
- Why don't you let the little car alone?
Are you presuming to tell me
what to do in my own establishment?
Okay, I'm out of line.
It just bugs me to see somebody
abusing a decent piece of machinery.
How fascinating.
Well, now that we've had the
benefit of your point of view,
shall we regard our relationship
as terminated?
Havershaw!
Get this eyesore out of my showroom.
And if ever I find it here again,
someone is going to find himself
in a great deal of trouble!
Yes, sir. Of course.
Boys, here we go.
Here we go.
- Sorry. None of my business, is it?
- Perfectly all right.
- Goodbye.
- Oh. Goodbye.
- Good morning.
- Good morning. What do you want?
- Police.
- Right. What do you want?
Forgive me for pointing,
but have you ever seen that car before?
- No. No, I haven't.
- Hey, he's a cute little fella.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. I think I saw
that car at an agency yesterday.
Now, permit to inform
you of the following:
First, say nothing that would
jeopardize your constitutional rights.
Second, the minute
you get downtown,
I would advise
you get a good lawyer.
- Shall we go?
- Go? What for?
On suspicion of grand theft.
Now, wait a minute.
There's something cockeyed about this.
How did that little
car get here?
I share your curiosity.
Shall we go?
I'll do it.
Okay, I'll do it.
But I want to go on record. I have seen
some crummy stunts used to sell cars,
but this beats everything.
To plant this Bug
in the possession of an innocent man
and accuse me of stealing it!
How dare you, sir!
Are you suggesting I would
stoop to such tactics?
That's exactly
what I'm suggesting!
In the first place, it might
interest you to know that
under normal circumstances,
I would never sell a car
to someone with whom I'm not,
shall we say,
socially compatible.
- You'd sell a car...
- Please! Let's not
go through that again.
I think we've worked
it out very well.
Mr Douglas needs a car,
and for a very low amount down...
and the usual monthly payments,
the car will become his.
Very well, even though my inclination
is to have Mr Douglas clapped into jail,
and this four-wheeled contrivance
dropped into the bay!
- I think Mr Thorndyke
is being very fair.
- Fair? It's not fair!
I'm being muscled! I want you to know
that I know it and I don't like it!
I'll draw up the papers.
Would you come
with me, please?
Then get Mr Douglas
and his acquisition out of here...
before I lose my temper!
What in...
What's the matter?
You from L.A. Or something?
- I thought we'd run over to that
new restaurant in Marin County.
Have you gone mad?
Okay.
What's the joke?
- What do you mean?
- I don't know how you rigged it,
- but I'm sure that car's a real cutup
when a convention comes to town.
- What in the name...
If I'd wanted a trick car
I would have bought one in a joke shop.
Allow me to say I haven't the slightest
idea what you're talking about.
You come blithering up in
that beastly little car...
and assault
my personal Rolls Royce!
I brought it back.
I want my money,
I want the papers I signed,
then I'll get out and you two clowns
can have your little laugh.
Mr Douglas, if there is
anything wrong with the car,
would you be good enough
to tell me what it is?
It's just that that it wants to go
one way and I'd like to go the other.
- Whatever it is, none of it
is covered in our guarantee.
- I'm sure of that.
- If you examine paragraph 12...
- Excuse me, Mr Thorndyke.
If I sold this gentleman the car
I feel a certain responsibility.
Do you mind if I try it?
Miss Bennett!
Our dinner engagement.
I won't be a minute.
Seems to be acting
all right now.
Sometimes new car owners have a tendency
to exaggerate their problems.
We get that all the time.
Believe me, when I was
in this car alone...
Just treat it gently at first.
It really is a fine automobile.
Have you had much
experience with cars?
Look, lady, by profession
I'm a racing driver.
Oh, that Jim Douglas.
What do you mean,
"That Jim Douglas"?
Let's see, two years ago
at Laguna Seca...
you spun out and hung a beautiful
Buick Special on the back fence.
At Willow Springs,
a year ago last February,
you sprayed a Lotus
all over the infield.
How do you know all that?
I have trouble
with names and faces,
but I never forget a car.
I like good machinery.
Now, why don't you give
this little car a fair chance.
You bought it; enjoy it.
You can drive me back now.
What about it, dad?
Want to give that doodle bug a workout?
I'll go easy on ya.
Be serious, will ya?
- Did you see this thing take off?
- One of your showboat tricks.
I tell you, I had nothing to do with it.
Hey, we were turning.
Outta sight, man.
I wouldn't have believed it.
Groovy, pop. Groovy.
As long as the customer
finally seems pleased,
I'll just step out
and find myself a taxi.
Will you stop the car, please?
I'm trying!
Look!
It's just like I told you.
This thing's starting to act up again.
How very odd. When I was driving there
was no problem whatsoever.
I can't seem to do
anything with it!
Mr Douglas, I'm asking you nicely
to pull over and let me out!
Look, I'm sorry about your date,
I really am.
I didn't want you to miss
your dinner engagement.
What's the rush, tiger?
We got all night.
Goodbye, Mr Douglas.
Here, I'll help you.
I can get out, thank you.
What'll it be, chief?
Would you mind helping the lady
get her car door open?
Look, I'm busy.
And I ain't no mechanic.
All I do is sell food,
and that ain't too good.
You want somethin' or don't ya?
- Help!
- Two hamburgers and a coffee.
Help!
Can you help me, please?
Help! I'm a prisoner!
I can't get out!
We all prisoners,
chickie baby.
We all locked in.
Mmm.
A couple of weirdos, Guinevere.
What? Wait a minute.
Hold it, hold it.
Let me open the door.
Hey, knock it off,
will ya, sis?
I ain't sayin' this is
the classiest joint in town,
but we gotta draw
the line somewhere.
Come on,
back in your seat.
Why don't you go
up to Seabreeze Point?
- Fuzz don't bother you much up there.
- Thanks.
I wish there were some way
I could make up for those hamburgers.
Mr Douglas, please
don't go on about it.
I'm sure that if I were driving none
of these things would have happened.
It's all yours.
Now I think you'll
see what's what.
This is very embarrassing.
Yes, it is.
- I would have preferred knowing
you a little longer first.
- Just a minute!
- You don't think I drove
you here on purpose.
- Don't try to explain.
- The point is you brought me here.
- I did not bring you here!
It's this nasty little car.
- But you said yourself
it's a very nice little car.
- And as you said,
it does have some
peculiar traits.
And I agree with you completely.
- Bring it in tomorrow
and I'll find a replacement.
- I don't want the car replaced.
As a matter of fact,
I'm beginning to like it.
- Oh!
- Don't panic.
Don't panic. There must be
some place I can call a taxi.
Ooh!
Hey!
You know, for a moment
I thought you weren't going to stop.
What's the matter now?
Look, this is ridiculous.
Let's get back in the car, huh?
Hold it.
Hold it, everybody.
Just a moment, please.
Something the matter?
- Is this man bothering you?
- No, not exactly.
It's okay.
We're together.
- Is that your car?
- My...
Well, yes.
Yes, it is.
Okay, then.
Move along.
- Hey, bud.
- Yeah?
Not too smart
wandering around the park at night.
- Right.
- I'll drive.
She'll drive.
I should have given
you a citation.
You ought to have enough sense
to put your brakes on...
while your car is stopped!
Well then, if everything you say
about this car is true,
it's already
starting to happen.
- What's starting to happen?
- Us human beings.
We had a chance to make something
out of this world.
We blew it.
Okay.
- Another kind of civilization
is gonna take a turn.
- Give me an 11-mil wrench.
- I'm sitting up
on top of this mountain, right?
- Right.
- I'm surrounded by these gurus
and swamis and monks, right?
- Right.
- I'm lookin' at my stomach.
- Yeah.
- I'm knockin' back a little rice wine.
- Um-hmm.
Got some contemplation goin';
I see things like they are.
- I coulda told you all this was comin'.
- What's coming?
Jim, it's happening right under
our noses and we can't see it.
We take machines
and stuff 'em with information
until they're smarter than we are.
Take a car.
Most guys spread more
love and time and money...
on their car in a week than they do
on their wife and kids in a year.
Pretty soon,
you know what?
The machine starts
to think it is somebody.
I'm not saying a mechanical thing
can't be a friend.
Like, when I was
broke one summer,
there was this giant claw machine
in the Sutro Amusement Park.
It would grab cameras and watches
and drop them down a hole to me.
- And I would hock 'em and buy lunch.
You follow me?
- Yeah.
I think you were up
on that mountaintop too long.
Contrariwise, the traffic light
down the street hates my guts.
I don't know why.
But in the last six weeks...
I haven't caught anything
but a stop signal.
It makes me wait six seconds longer
than anybody else! I timed it!
Things like that happen
to lots of other people too.
But the other people
don't tell no other people,
because the other people
would say, "Hey-ey-ey-ey. "
Tennessee, that traffic light
is a lot of nuts and bolts.
This little car,
a lot of nuts and bolts.
Everything explains itself,
one way or the other.
- You're not listenin' to me.
- Don't lose your grip, old buddy.
This little car didn't do one thing
tonight that can't be explained...
in terms of short circuits, sprung
doors, grabbing steering, worn knuckles,
maybe some advertising gimmick.
I'll fix it.
- I don't think you got the picture.
- I got a beautiful picture.
This baby happens to have
an extra turn of speed,
which is the only thing
I care about.
You don't understand
what happens, do you?
They make 10,000 cars.
They make 'em exactly the same way.
One or two of 'em turn out
to be something special.
Nobody knows why.
I know why.
I may be kiddin' myself,
but I think I can make somethin'
out of that sad little bucket of bolts.
Save these.
They'll be famous someday.
I'm your friend.
Wanna take a ride? I want to check
those adjustments I made last night.
- Okay.
- Be right with you.
Hey! Hey, come here!
All right, get outta there. Out!
Come on.
Who do you guys think you are?
Stop clownin' around,
will ya?
Play it straight.
Don't give him any trouble.
You could have
a good home here.
- What's all that racket, huh?
- Nothin'. Nothin'.
Oh. Hop in.
What'd I tell ya?
Now it handles good.
- All the bugs are gone.
- Herbie's all right.
- Who's Herbie?
- This little car.
Named after my Uncle Herb.
He used to box middleweight.
Preliminary, mostly.
Gradually, his nose got
shaped more and more...
like to remind me of this little car.
- Do you mind?
- Whatever you say, Tennessee.
Herbie.
- I'll take 'em.
- Thank you, sir.
- Now, what's that for?
- An oil job.
- Huh?
- I got a small knock in my conscience.
Thanks.
Now we get down to business.
- You gonna race?
- What do you think?
Oh, boy!
Won't Herbie love that!
Le Mans, Monte Carlo.
Thrills, glamour,
the roar of the crowd!
He really does drive.
If you could give me one good reason
for bringing me down...
to this ridiculous desert, I...
Isn't that the scruffy little car
we had in the shop?
Now we're goin'!
You're doin' terrific, Herbie,
but don't make it look too easy.
Play it smart.
Okay, Jim! Go ahead!
You're murderin' 'em!
So, who cares?
I'll tell you one thing.
I certainly don't intend
losing any sleep over that absurd car.
Come on. Come on!
Now, Herbie!
Now! Now!
The winner, #53:
Jim Douglas, driving a Class-D Special.
- Congratulations.
- Good race, Jim.
- Thanks, Ray.
- Boy, was Herbie ever great today.
I was out there too. Wouldn't you say
that was a fair piece of driving?
Hey, I'm not trying to take
anything away from you,
but you gotta admit that this little guy
backed you all the way.
Yeah.
It's a nice little car.
You know somethin' else?
For the first time in a long while,
I felt my real self out there.
A sense of authority like
the top drivers have, you know?
I kinda felt you felt that.
Tennessee, I wouldn't admit this
to anybody else, but...
I was beginnin' to think
I'd never be anything more
than a piston-happy, lead foot punk.
Then this starts to happen.
I'm glad for you, Jim.
You know that.
Well, hello.
I see you finally learned how to
handle this car. Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- What have you done to this thing?
Oh, an adjustment here,
an adjustment there.
You want to sell it back?
I own most of it anyway, you know.
Still 23 payments to go.
- Well, uh...
- I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll take the car and give you
$1,000 clear. What do you say?
No. You don't wanna do that.
It's all right, Tennessee.
I know what I'm doing.
I think Mr Thorndyke
is a little mixed up
as to who or what won that race.
- And what does that mean?
- Someday, I'll teach you...
not to confuse the car
with the driver.
I should welcome the opportunity.
Mr Thorndyke, I think
that's a very good idea of yours.
- What is?
- You're racing in the Libra Open...
- at Riverside
at the end of the month, right?
- Yes.
Well, I'm sure that
Mr Douglas would like to get...
- the remainder
of his payments off his back.
- No doubt.
But why should I think
that's a good idea?
Well, if Mr Douglas
entered the race,
he could bet his share of the little car
against the remaining payments.
What do you say, Douglas?
The winner to become
the sole owner of the car.
A moment ago, you mentioned
teaching me a lesson.
Do I now detect
a note of timidity?
Racing. That's the name
of the game, isn't it?
Win or lose.
Put up or shut up.
- You got yourself a deal, Thorndyke.
- Splendid.
The drivers' meeting is over.
Now, the third race of the afternoon...
will get under way
here at Riverside.
You keep your eye on your friend
in the Bug, my dear.
I'm going to squash him.
Clear the grid, please.
I can't help feelin' yippy.
If anything goes wrong,
we'll lose Herbie altogether.
- I thought you were the guy
with all the faith in this car.
- Yeah, I got it. Yeah.
And now the starter
has his flag in the air.
The engines are started,
and in just a moment,
we'll have the start.
All the cars looking
very smart on the grid.
Drivers in the first row
signifying that they're ready to race.
Their hands extended in the air.
The flag is up, and there they go!
Cars stretching out now. All cars off
the starting grid and through turn one.
Through the S's now.
Down the back straight, well by himself
now, is the #14 car of Thorndyke...
going into the sweeper turn.
The rest of the field well stretched out
as they charge down the back straight.
Not yet, Herbie!
Not yet!
The standings in lap 23: Thorndyke,
still leading; Lesser, running second;
and Erwin in third place.
Now, Herbie! Now!
Now, car #53... Douglas...
starts to make a move,
picking up cars
as he goes by car #20.
Into the sweeper,
very hard and fast.
Going through traffic,
passing #23 now...
is car #53... Douglas.
He has just come alive
and is making a challenge in this race.
Passing cars as he goes down
the back straight,
car #53... Douglas...
making his bid.
Into the straight now
is Thorndyke, car #14.
Now the pressure's on. Douglas in #53
is starting to close on Thorndyke, #14.
Douglas has just come alive...
and is pressing the leader now.
Now making his bid to pass,
but he can't get by.
He's being shut off
by Thorndyke in the #14 car.
Douglas goes slightly off course,
takes out some markers...
and apparently is out of control,
He crashes into the #4 shutoff marker.
Thorndyke continuing on
as the #53 car lets this one...
Now he's making
his reentry!
Look out!
- Hey, nice scoring, champ.
- Thank you very much.
Hey, what a champ.
Way to drive.
Just a moment, Mr Thorndyke.
You don't have...
I demand that this thing
is impounded and checked!
- I tell you there's more going
on here than meets the eye!
Muchas gracias,
seor.
Gracias.
A usted tambien.
Ya consigui un gorrito
el pelado!
Cmo est maestro?
Oye se re!
You don't look well
in these pictures lately.
How could I look well?
I haven't been able to sleep.
That rotten car
is driving me piffy!
Has it occurred to you
it may not be the rotten car?
- Perhaps it's the way Mr Douglas drives.
- Balderdash!
There isn't a driver in the world
who can get that speed
out of a car like that.
No, he's done something to it,
and I've got to find out what!
You've become obsessed
by this whole thing.
There are other cars, other races.
Why don't you just forget it?
My dear child,
how little you know me.
- Yes, Mr Thorndyke.
- Carole?
- How long have you been with us?
- A year and a half, almost two. Why?
I'm afraid I've been
a little remiss...
in not telling you before now how very
well you've proved in all your duties.
Well, thank you.
And, Carole, as I realize
you have the best interests
of this organization at heart,
I want you to accede
to a somewhat unusual request.
Oh?
Peter Thorndyke.
It's for you.
All right.
You can take it here.
Thank you.
Yes, good afternoon.
Oh, I think that
should be quite all right.
Uh, 7:30 will be fine.
Yes. Uh, bye.
- I think I'll...
- I'd like you to see this Douglas,
get to know him.
Who knows? If he has the talents
of which I believe him capable,
perhaps we can give him
the opportunity...
of joining our organization,
racing under our colours.
- But first, we must know
something about him.
- How about tonight?
- Very good.
- At 7:30?
Very good!
Why waste time?
Oh, and Carole,
another thing.
Leave your car. Take the Special.
He likes that one.
Uh, thank you.
I think I ought to tell you that
that was Mr Douglas who just called.
Excellent.
Strike while the iron is hot.
In all honesty,
I should like to point out...
that I agreed to have dinner with him
before you suggested it.
I salute your honesty, my dear...
a quality not necessarily
to be despised.
Thank you.
A very loyal girl.
- Got Herbie all polished out for ya.
- Uh, Carole Bennett called back.
- She's going to pick me up
in the Special.
- You're not takin' Herbie?
He's looking forward to some relaxation
just like you are.
The car is...
- See you later, Tennessee.
- Some thanks
after what Herbie did for you.
Don't let it get ya, Herbie.
Jim didn't mean it.
Don't forget: He isn't the first guy
ever to lose his head...
over a bucket seat
and a paint job.
He'll come to his senses.
- Good evening.
- Sorry. The other rats
are out for the evening!
No, no! Please.
I didn't come by to see Mr Douglas.
- I came by to pay my respects
to that gallant little car.
- Huh?
There it is.
- What a marvel it is, indeed.
- I don't get you, fella.
Oh, come, come, sir. I know
a rare bit of machinery when I see one.
And after all,
who should know it better than I?
I, who have been trounced
time and again by this... this paragon.
You'll forgive me
for saying so, sir,
but it does take class to know
when it has been defeated by class.
You know somethin', Mr Thorndyke?
I may have misjudged you.
- Well, thank you.
- I've been misjudging
a lot of people lately.
Would you like a drink?
Some Irish coffee?
Specialty of the house.
My own mother's recipe.
- That's very kind of you.
I'd love it. Thank you.
- I'll be back in a jiffy!
That's most kind.
Thank you so much.
It's just incredible, isn't it, to think
that this innocent-seeming object...
is, is capable
of such great deeds.
How, indeed.
The trick is, always remember
to have asbestos gloves...
when you make coffee this way.
Fascinating. Yes.
Yes. Quite...
Quite fascinating.
Here we go.
Oh. How very refreshing.
Oh, thank you.
- Up the Irish.
- To the little car, a gallant adversary.
- And may the best car win at Riverside.
- May the best car win.
Oh, that's very good, isn't it?
Very good, indeed.
- Like it?
- What do you think?
I can't stand that hungry look
any longer.
Take over.
You know what I said to myself
the first time I saw you?
- What?
- I said to myself,
"Now, there's a real lady. "
This is how it ought to be...
me and these kind of wheels.
Excuse me asking, but aren't you
doing all right with the little car?
Sure, but can you imagine how
I'd make it with equipment like this?
Is it so important to you?
Without a real car,
I'm only half a man.
What part of Ireland did you say
your mother came from?
Coney Ireland.
I'm going to make some more coffee.
Oh, uh, would you like a spot of this?
- I like a spot of anything.
- I'm so sorry.
Now, we're gonna drink to Herbie,
- The greatest little car
in the whole world.
- Yes. Quite right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hear, hear. Hear, hear.
- To Herbie.
- To Herbie. So sorry about your hand.
I do apologize.
To Herbie.
What do you know?
The engine stalled.
How about that?
The door's stuck.
- Mmm.
- That's how it is with cars sometimes.
- Yes.
- I guess we'll have to wait
and see what happens next.
Well, as someone
very wisely once said,
"That's how it is
with cars sometimes. "
- I just said that.
- Oh.
I wonder if your reputation
is altogether true.
What's my reputation?
Oh, I've heard that Jim Douglas is only
interested in fast cars and easy money.
Not true.
- Oh?
- Mm-hmm.
- You know something else?
- What?
When the light
hits you just right,
you're as beautiful
as General Grant on a $50 bill.
Oh, dear me.
You wanna know the secret
of the little car?
I do, indeed.
- I'll tell ya
the secret of the little car.
- No, no, no. Just a minute.
All right. Tell me.
It's heart.
That's what it is: Heart.
Heart. Yes.
Well, I'm certainly going
to make a note of that.
- Headache gone?
- All gone.
Anticipation of victory
is the purest form of aspirin.
- This is my day.
- Clear the grid.
Clear the grid, please.
- You seem very confident.
- You know, I believe I am.
They leave the
starting grid, going into turn one.
The field's stretching out now.
Everybody getting through
turn one very nicely.
Very fine field of cars here.
And coming through traffic now, making a
move, is Peter Thorndyke in the #14 car.
Picking up a few cars
in that turn.
Now he comes by and picks up three
more cars, going into the lead now.
Thorndyke leading this race
in car #14.
Now making a move
is car #53, Douglas,
who also picks up about three cars
as he goes charging through traffic...
and is in hot pursuit
of Thorndyke in the #14 car.
As they go down the back straight,
comin' on pretty hard and fast...
is car #53 making the pass.
Attaway, Jimmy boy!
Go, Jimmy!
So far, Jim Douglas seems to have
everything pretty much to himself.
He comes through the S's
into turn six well in control...
As they come down the back straight,
Douglas is slowing down...
and Thorndyke goes rocketing by
into the sweeper turn.
It looks as though the Douglas car
is having trouble.
Yes, #53 is fading fast.
It is developing a problem
of some kind.
Come in! Come in!
Come in!
Irish coffee.
I'll be here all night
if necessary.
I can take any amount of this.
Right. There we are.
Don't worry, little guy.
You'll be home soon.
There we are.
Right. Right you are.
Do you mind standing clear? They want
me on my own. I'll see you in a minute.
Poor little fella.
You got a temperature.
Don't worry.
Jim'll be back soon.
He never would've left if it
hadn't been somethin' important.
I know. Nothing worse
than an Irish coffee hangover.
That you, Jim?
- Mind if I come in?
- Sure. Come on.
I wouldn't blame you
if you threw me out.
On account of what Thorndyke did?
How can I blame anyone? Thorndyke ruined
the little car right under my nose.
- Where's Jim?
- Don't know.
He went out as soon as we got back.
Didn't say a word.
Left Herbie and me flat.
Doesn't he take care
of his car after a race?
Can you do something?
Like what?
Well, h-help the little car.
I'm not a mechanic,
but I think it's suffering.
- Suffering?
- Please.
- Mind if I use those coveralls?
- Right.
Oh, uh, look. I wanna tell you
so you don't have to worry.
I'm not with Peter Thorndyke any more.
I don't think his way.
- Oh, I know that.
- How do you know?
Well, Herbie wouldn't like you
otherwise.
Herbie wouldn't like me?
Miss Bennett, I gotta...
I gotta level with somebody.
I can't talk to Jim.
It would destroy him.
You don't know what it was like
before the little car came along.
Jim was defeated. It was murder.
He couldn't get a job.
He got into trouble.
Everybody was on his back.
Then, Herbie came into his life.
Do you remember that day?
I remember.
Well, Jim started
winnin' races again.
He got
his self-respect back.
What am I gonna do? Tell him that it was
Herbie winning those races, not him?
- Uh, was it Herbie?
- Well, I...
You fix the little car.
I'll tell ya what's goin' on.
I didn't know nothin'.
Then I went to Tibet.
I plugged into
this contemplation thing.
- How's that sound?
- Like the song of a bluebird.
Well, the fuel lines are clean.
The plugs are clean. Wiring checks out.
Looks like we're
in pretty good shape.
Herbie and I
sure appreciate it.
You don't believe a word I said
about this little car, do ya?
Well, there's always a first time.
I imagine Adam thought woman...
was a pretty funny piece of equipment
when he met Eve.
Well, that's a start. You can't believe
it all right away. It takes time.
- Hello there.
- Hi.
- What's this?
- You ever see anything so beautiful?
- Very nice.
What's the big idea?
You already got a car.
- Not after what happened today, I don't.
- Aw, shut up.
- You want Herbie to hear you?
- Don't start that again, Tennessee.
Look, the El Dorado is coming up.
There are real cars lined up in there.
I need something that can cut it.
- Herbie's cut it so far, hasn't he?
- Of course he has!
Now hold it, you two. I've done great
with this little car so far,
thanks to a few changes I made,
and if you don't mind,
some pretty fair country drivin'.
But... I gotta
stop kiddin' myself.
I need a big, strong car.
Now I got it.
Don't pay any attention.
Don't even look at it.
Hello.
Peter Thorndyke here.
Well, well.
Yeah, I know what you did to my car.
You need your brains kicked out.
Oh, you can imagine
how I must feel.
You see, I'm simply not responsible when
I've been drinking. You know how it is.
- Forget it, and goodbye.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I understand from a friend of mine that
you purchased a new Lamborghini today.
- So?
- I'm also informed that you owe
a great deal of money on it.
Now, myself, for sentimental reasons,
I like the little car,
and I am perfectly willing
to increase my previous offer...
and give you $1,500 for it.
Now. Immediately.
I'm in the vicinity.
Thorndyke, I don't like you,
but I can use your money.
You got yourself a deal.
Come and get it.
- What do you mean, "A deal"?
- I'm selling the little car.
- You're what?
- Don't make a fuss.
I need the money.
You crumb!
You can't do that to Herbie!
Carole, will you tell him how it is
out in the real world?
Me? Huh! Well!
Near as I can figure it,
I'm not too smart either.
I get rid of one heel
just in time to find another.
Well, now, what happened to you?
I thought you'd be on my side.
Not when you do something
like this to Herbie.
Has everybody gone nuts
around here?
I can understand how Tennessee feels.
He's just in off a flying saucer.
But you...
I thought you made sense.
Something tells me it's very,
very wrong to sell that little car.
Thank you for your opinion, but what
am I supposed to do? I need the money.
- Tennessee, if I don't sell the car...
- Don't talk to me.
I'm s... I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have butted in.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
As a matter of fact, I don't know...
What are you doing here?
I wish I knew.
I really wish I knew!
If I weren't so young and innocent,
a certain thought might enter my mind.
- Such as?
- Such as you went out
with me last night...
so that Thorndyke could get
a shot at the little car.
Is that what you think?
- Got to admit, it's tempting.
- Okay.
Okay. You wanna know
what I was doing here?
Well, I felt sorry
about what happened today.
So I quit Thorndyke and came over here
like a full-grown idiot...
to find out
if I could make up for it.
Isn't that
"Dial a beautiful thought for the day"?
Very touching. Makes me glow.
I think it's about time someone
told you what the score is.
Tennessee's too tenderhearted.
You really think it was you
winning those races?
Yes, I think it was me winning...
What do you mean it wasn't me
winning those races?
- Pardon me.
- You want me to tell you something,
my windbag friend?
I admit, I didn't believe it
when Tennessee told me before,
but now I see it makes
all kinds of sense.
- W-W-What?
- That thimble head of yours
has gotten all swelled up.
You're not winning any of those races.
You couldn't win a game of marbles
from a 12-toed myopic rhinoceros!
Will you knock it off out there,
Tennessee? Can't hear myself think.
I'm not out there, crumb.
I'm here.
Well, hold it down. I'll...
Well, then what's this noise?
No!
Stop it! Stop it!
You don't know what you're doin'!
Look! Look what
it did to my car.
- Okay, maybe it was a little jealous.
- Of course it's jealous.
It's always been jealous because
I get credit for winning those races!
Go on.
Realize what you're sayin'?
At a time like this,
whatever kind of time it is,
I always say that money
serves to ease the pain.
Good evening, my dear.
Here you are, sir.
Fifteen hundred dollars for
the small car, just as I promised.
I note it's not
in mint condition,
but I am nothing
if not always a man of my word.
Uh, uh, 2,000.
What about 2,000?
It's the least I can do to help
a fellow human at a time like this.
Shall we consider it a deal?
- Two thousand dollars?
- Yes.
Two thousand dollars
for that little beat-up car? Why?
Well, you could say I have a warm place
in my heart for the dear little thing.
You don't have a warm place on your
whole body. What do you want it for?
You don't want it; I do.
Take the money.
- You... You too!
- Now, look, Douglas,
there's no need to be abusive.
- I'm trying to give you some money!
- I don't want your money!
What do you want the car for?
You believe it.
You believe it too!
- Believe what?
- Jim, it don't matter whether
you believe Herbie or not.
Herbie don't believe
in you no more.
Huh?
Where'd he go?
Where is he?
Took off.
What do you expect?
- Well, come on. Let's find him.
- This is a private thing
between the two of you.
Good luck.
Herbie?
Herbie!
A rum lot you've
taken up with, my dear.
You'd better find that car
before I do, my friend.
- Operator.
- Mobile KQX-2942.
I want 567-3998.
Havershaw, I shall
require the personnel...
of both our day
and night shifts.
We have a small task to perform.
Herbie?
Herbie!
That's it.
Herbie!
Excuse me.
- Havershaw, tear it apart!
- All right, boys.
You heard Mr Thorndyke.
Tear it apart.
I'm gonna find out what makes it tick!
- After it!
- After it!
Go on!
Grab the brute!
Hang on to it, you fools!
Hang on!
Herbie!
Give me police station.
Hello, police station?
Herbie?
Hey, you...
- Did a little car come by here?
- Yeah, just did, without payin' the...
No, Herbie, don't!
Herbie!
Herb, back up!
Herbie!
Come on, baby. It's gonna
be a beautiful day tomorrow.
Aaah!
Herbie, give me some help.
Herb?
I can't hang on much longer.
Boy, was he lucky.
This little car saved his life.
What do you mean,
the car saved his life?
That's what it looked like
for a moment there. L...
You know how funny
things can look i-in the fog sometimes.
- I think you've been up on that
Haight-Ashbury beat too long.
Swing that light over here.
Aha!
- What's that thing?
- It's a dried squid, Sergeant.
Hmm.
Here's the damages.
Can you pay it?
- I'm sorry. I have no money.
- Then your car will be impounded.
My guess is the judge will order you
to sell it at auction
and the proceeds given to Mr Wu.
Wait a minute.
May I speak to the gentleman, please?
I spent some time up on
a Chinese-type mountain...
teachin' English to some of 'em.
You taught English?
Let's don't get personal.
It's a matter of talkin'
their language.
You have a little feel for tradition
and some courtesy, you'd be surprised.
You can unscrew the "unscrutable. "
Go ahead.
Ah. Ah, ah, ah.
Herbie-la!
- Herbie?
- Herbie!
- Ho!
- Ho!
- Things are shapin' up. He's a car buff.
- Good, good.
- Wow.
- What's the matter?
We just got a new problem.
He likes the car so much
he wants to keep it.
Okay, the car is his, but he has
to let me drive it in the El Dorado.
If I win, tell him
he gets to keep the prize money,
but he has to sell Herbie
back to me for a dollar.
Now you speak my language.
Attention: Drivers
and owners report to Mr Granatelli...
at the president's headquarters.
Further, you must remain
on the secondary roads
which have been posted for this race.
Other than that, we've tried
to reduce the rules to a minimum.
Instead of all this technical
namby-pamby there's so much of today,
we're putting the emphasis
on speed, endurance and courage,
the way it used to be.
As you know, this is
open formula racing. Anything goes.
Any style of car
and crew you wish.
The object, gentlemen, is to win.
I wish you all the very best of luck.
Mr Wu? I understand that you are
the new owner of the Douglas car.
As I too am interested in the vehicle,
I took the liberty of looking you up.
- Thank you.
- You will therefore forgive me, sir,
when I say...
that you are perhaps
not quite as naive as you look.
In point of fact,
you are a very shrewd operator,
one who has managed to acquire,
by one means or another...
legitimate means, of course...
a number of varied enterprises.
It is truly written:
One cannot lose 'em all.
In the light of this,
would you entertain a sizable wager...
on the outcome of the race?
Wager? The goddess of fortune will
always find me her most ardent suitor.
Splendid. Splendid. Shall we step
in here? A little more private.
You're Mr Thorndyke.
I've always wanted to meet you.
You've heard of me?
How charming!
Are you not the gentleman who originated
the idea of small print...
on bottom of automobile
sales contract?
The very same.
- A most worthy adversary.
- You are most kind.
And now, sir,
the terms of our wager?
What would you like?
What have you got?
- Okay, let's mount up.
- How's our little friend?
- I hope it holds together.
- Holds together?
It was so beat up, I had to cut
the frame to straighten it out.
Excuse me.
Is this the morning bus to Fresno?
Thorndyke,
this little car goes so fast,
we need three people inside
to hold it on the ground.
Well, you certainly picked
the right crew. Toodle-oo.
Break a leg, Thorndyke.
Havershaw. I trust you've not
been wasting your time.
- Spent a few useful moments
with the small car?
- Yes, sir.
Based, then,
on what you now know,
what would you say are the chances
of victory for the Douglas car?
I would say that they range
from slight to impossible.
Havershaw, you are a rat
after my own heart.
Thank you, sir.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
You're giving it a nice ride.
Okay to uncurl my toes now?
We past everybody?
- Everyone but Thorndyke.
- Let's go to work.
They're coming up on us, sir.
Well, we're not
too concerned, are we?
Now, Havershaw,
aren't we coming to that rather
dangerous oily spot in the road?
Coming right up, sir.
Come on! Push!
Push, you worm!
Jim, that's water!
Here we go!
Mr Thorndyke,
that isn't me!
Give me something
to wipe my goggles.
Havershaw, you ever think
of having a manicure?
There they are.
Now watch me
blow them off the road.
Who's the guy
in the fur coat?
This is no time
for eating, you fool!
Where are we?
How far is Chinese Camp?
What's the matter with you?
Don't you even know how to open a map?
At the moment, the leaders
of the race are approaching...
the historic mining towns
of the mother lode.
In first position,
as he moves past checkpoint three,
is Jim Douglas.
Peter Thorndyke in the Special
has regained his relief driver...
and is rapidly making up lost ground
as the two Pacemakers...
near the famous old mining community
of Chinese Camp.
- Now what?
- I don't know.
We can't be out of gas so soon.
Here.
Wait a minute.
- I got a suspicion.
- What's the matter?
Just as I thought. Water.
They did it again.
- Now what do we do?
- Give me the map.
All right. It looks like Chinese Camp's
about three miles from here.
- Now, if we come down the...
- Hey.
What goes?
No sweat, man.
This is Uncle Wu's car.
You don't think he'd
let anyone put it down, do ya?
E- Easy, fellas.
The Jim Douglas car appears
to have run into trouble.
There has been no sign of him
past checkpoint nine.
Peter Thorndyke is
refuelling at Chinese Camp.
Come on! Come on, will you!
I'm in a hurry!
Sure thing.
I tell Father.
My father say,
"Hurry is waste.
Waste is cracked bowl
which never know rice. "
I don't care how cracked your father's
rice bowl is! What I want...
Hey! Some of you people
get over here right away!
Okay, you're on your way.
I'm getting out of here.
Not full. Can't go yet.
Well, just you watch me.
As we come to the midway point
in the first day's racing,
Peter Thorndyke,
after a delay at Chinese Camp,
is beginning to catch up
with the rest of the field.
That knocked him off
the Christmas tree, sir.
This is our kind of terrain
from here on out. All downhill.
How true it is that the best ways
are the simplest ways after all.
- That's what I always say, sir...
- Oh, shut up!
We should be coming soon to what
is either a rail tunnel or a bridge.
Oh, here's a tunnel.
That must be it.
- What are you doin'?
- It's an elevator.
But Herbie doesn't fit.
Everybody out.
No sign of them.
You may open the wine now,
Havershaw.
It's chilled the way
you like it, sir.
All right, give me a hand.
All together now.
To you, sir.
My unbounded admiration.
Thank you.
Mmm! You know something
about champagne, sir?
Havershaw, if you tell me that
the bubbles tickle your nose,
I shall probably kill you!
Get rid of that slop!
Shouldn't that wheel
have come off by now?
It's long overdue, sir.
I'm terribly embarrassed by the delay.
- I don't know what could...
- Stop whimpering!
I'll just give them
a friendly nudge.
Hey, where'd
that wheel come from?
Hold it!
Don't do anything sudden.
Is it all right
if I just cry real soft?
Carole, put your feet
back here on the bumper.
Come on.
Now give me your hand.
Just let go. Let go.
Give me your hand.
- I'm trying, but my mind
don't get the message.
- Come on. Come on.
Now come right over the top.
Atta boy.
All right. Let's get the spare wheel on
and get Herbie back on the road.
Thorndyke again.
He made a pizza out of it.
And now, here in Virginia City,
the terminal point for
the first day of the El Dorado,
we're all looking down
the road from the west.
And actually at any moment now,
we should be seeing the car...
that will complete the first half of
the El Dorado, the run for the gold.
Up in the judges stand
the judges and the timers are ready.
- Just a moment. The first car
is coming in sight right now.
He is really flying down the road.
And there he goes by us.
You making it all right,
Tennessee?
Ohh!
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Whoa!
Stop, Jim, will you!
Now, don't anybody breathe.
Ready?
Aaah!
Actually, at this hour
only one car is unaccounted for.
There's been absolutely
no word of the Douglas Special,
which figured so very prominently
in the early stages of the race today.
Well, I see the judges are closing down
for the night, and, by golly, so are we.
But we'll return to the El Dorado
at 7:30 tomorrow morning...
to bring you the start of the second and
the final lap back to Yosemite Valley.
Good night, everyone.
A little bird's nest soup
never hurt anyone.
Thank you.
Oh, thanks.
I hope this holds together.
I'm puttin' welds
on top of welds.
Mr Wu, the wiring
is mostly all burned off.
The cylinder walls are scored;
the carburettor's a mess;
the body's sprung.
This little car ripped itself to pieces
trying to get us here.
It gave us everything it's got.
Now, maybe we can patch it
back together. I don't know.
But how can I send it back
into that rat race tomorrow?
It's got nothing left to give.
It's your car.
What do you say?
A wise man once said,
"When you come to last page,
close the book. "
You let that little car
get under your skin, didn't you?
I don't know.
There's a lot of gloop
been written about, uh,
the bond between a man
and his automobile and...
how he hates it sometimes,
mostly how he loves it.
He showers gifts on it...
in the way of accessories
and all that.
He gets hysterical if somebody
scratches the paint or...
makes it lose face
on the freeway.
Maybe some of those feelings
got into the machinery. I don't know.
Tennessee thinks so.
Don't you?
There is something real
about that little car,
something that
doesn't even have a name.
What I don't understand is, out of
the millions of people in the world,
why it picked a dogeared
second-rater like me.
You stood up for it once.
I guess it thought you were...
worth belonging to.
I understand that.
Ah, Douglas.
Didn't mean to disturb you.
- We'll just take the car and go.
- What are you talking about?
I understand that you
are out of the race.
What does that have
to do with you?
Speaking as the new owner
of the car,
I'd regard your question
as impertinent.
- I'm going to hoist it up
and drag it out.
- Hold it!
Who said you were
the new owner of the car?
Perhaps Mr Wu would like to explain
how he wagered the car...
on the outcome of the race.
Even as you, I believed in the car;
I thought it would win.
More honestly,
I could not resist the odds.
Thank you.
Good sir, would you say
that this is a compact car?
You do not answer.
Well, let me tell you that
you have never seen a compact car...
until you see what
I'm going to do with this.
Mr Douglas, I have a friend
with a claw-and-hook...
auto wrecking company
in San Francisco,
and he's going to work
on your car.
Maybe he'll transform it
into a birdbath.
Or what about a nice doormat
so I can wipe my feet on it every day?
It's too bad this thing
doesn't have the gumption...
to get up to the starting line
this morning.
I should have enjoyed beating it.
- Ohh!
- Why, you!
Take your hand...
Get your hand off...
Stop! Herbie, stop!
Hey, you know something?
Small car very angry.
And very strong.
The strength of 40 horses.
What do you think
about that race coming up?
You know, I think now...
is chance to remove
egg foo yung off of face.
Well, this morning, the second
and the final lap of the El Dorado.
From Virginia City to Yosemite,
the run for the gold.
Out there we see in first position
and all ready to go...
Peter Thorndyke
in his Thorndyke Special.
Hey!
These mechanics have done a real
fine job in keying these engines up.
Come on, baby. Come on.
Save it for the race.
One more foul-up like this,
Douglas, you're disqualified.
It seemed to be trying
to get at us, sir.
Of course it was, Havershaw!
There's no use trying to blink the fact.
It's either us or it this time.
We're now getting reports
from our checkpoint number 14.
This one tells us
that the Thorndyke car...
is still holding first position
at this time.
And while here
in Virginia City,
we're preparing to dispatch
the last of our contestants.
That would be
the Jim Douglas Special.
Hang tight.
This may be a fast takeoff.
Now.
- Good stuff, Herb.
- No more shortcuts like that last one.
Oh, this won't be anything
like that last one.
Thorndyke.
Nice going, Herbie.
We've almost got him.
Hooray.
- What fool laid out these streets?
- But you're driving superbly.
Hey, you got something
against driving on the streets?
- Any sign of them?
- Not a glimmer, sir.
Very well, then. Now I've
finished being Generous George.
He's moving up.
There are times like this...
when I really don't like
myself very much.
What happened to it?
I'd say it's gone for that
last big lube job up yonder.
Ohh! Ohh!
Ohh!
Here it comes again, sir.
Havershaw, I am not
a cowardly man,
but I am beginning to sense
that that thing is out to get me.
Now, now. None of that, sir.
We're not losing our nerve, are we?
Blast you, Havershaw!
How dare you patronize me.
I am not losing my nerve!
No, sir. No, sir.
Of course not, sir. No, no.
I think Herbie did something
to himself that last fall.
What do you mean?
Well... like maybe
he won't hang together much longer.
- What happened to Thorndyke?
- I don't know.
It was like he disappeared.
- Do you hear something?
- It sounds like one of the cylinders.
That's impossible.
The cylinders are in the back.
That's a point
I find puzzling.
Get me out of here!
- Oh, my...
- Get that side!
Goodness. Oh.
Here.
Turn him around.
Okay, on your way.
Let's go!
Havershaw!
The leaders have now passed
the final checkpoint.
We're now moving outside,
and we should be seeing them
at the finish line in a few minutes.
The word is,
the Douglas car is in the lead,
but the Thorndyke car is moving up.
Uh-oh.
I think we got a problem.
Carole, turn around.
Grab hold of that strap
and pull.
You okay?
Fine... Look!
There's another one.
I got it!
- What goes on?
- Just keep drivin'!
Try not to think about
what I'm doing!
Well, that's that. What's... Aah!
I can't weld that!
Give me your hand!
What are we gonna do, jump?
- No! Pull!
- Pull?
Whoa!
Whoa! Jim! Help!
I think you better stop
before someone gets hurt.
No dice.
Herbie doesn't want to stop.
There it is.
I'll bomb the thing off the road
once and for all!
Rotten sportsmanship,
if you ask me.
Here at the finish, we're still waiting
for our first glimpse of the leaders.
Yes. Yes,
there they are!
The Thorndyke car now seems to have
a slight edge on the Douglas car,
which is hanging right in there.
You have him now, sir.
Don't falter.
I'm not going to falter,
you dimwit.
Good-o, sir. Good-o.
You can't lose.
You can't possibly lo...
W- We won!
We won!
Oh!
The little car takes first...
and third place.
Aaah!
Do what? Kiss?
You better believe it. Come here.
"Couldn't lose,"
I think you said.
I don't like to remind you, sir,
but if only you'd read the terms...
of that stupid wager
you made with Mr Wu...
Havershaw, you're despicable.
Havershaw, I shan't pretend
that I don't know what you're thinking.
However, I pride myself
on being a good judge of character.
And when I ask myself,
"Could this man be capable
of such an act of pettiness and...
base ingratitude... "
I accept that as your answer.
- Thanks, Herbie. So long, Mr Wu.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Mr Wu.
- Bye, Tennessee.
So long, Jim.
It's none of my business, but where
are you going on your honeymoon?
We don't know.
Herb hasn't told us yet.
Let's go, Herb.
Goodbye, Herbie.