The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944) Movie Script

- Hey, Doctor!
- I'm not a doctor. He's upstairs.
Hold the presses! Hold everything!
Hold it! Get me the state capital.
I've got to talk to the Governor immediately!
It's a matter of life and death.
- Hello. Mr. Governor?
- Yeah.
The editor of what? The Bugle? Yeah.
What town was that again? Morgan's Creek?
Is that in my state? Never heard of it.
You never heard of it?
By tomorrow morning,
Morgan's Creek will be...
- the most famous town in America.
- The world!
This is the last free phone in town.
Every room has been reserved...
- for 15 miles around.
- Thirty!
A 100 newspapermen are here
and 500 more are expected tomorrow.
A thousand.
- There's a shortage of food, telephones...
- Milk.
- Telegraph wires!
- Liquor.
- Transportation, policemen and everything.
- Tents.
We need a lot of help or they're going
to tear this town up by the roots.
We need state police...
- food, water, beds, blankets.
- Plumbing!
Wait a minute. Take it easy, will you?
What happened down there?
You got a flood or did you strike oil
or something?
- "Did we strike oil or something?"
- Tell him!
- No, Mr. Governor, we did not strike oil.
- Anybody can strike oil.
- We have not got a flood.
- Anybody can have a flood.
- What we've got, Mr. Governor, is...
- You got what?
- Yes, Mr. Governor.
- Shut up! Not you.
Are you sure of your facts?
This is important.
I wish I could be down there myself.
This is a matter of state policy,
state pride, national pride.
Hold the wire a minute. Get on this line,
take everything down in shorthand.
Get a map of the state.
Make sure that Morgan's Creek is in it.
If it ain't, maybe we could persuade them
to move over.
- Yes, Mr. Governor?
- Shut up! Not you.
Get me all the newspapermen.
I want to speak to the radio stations.
- What happened?
- Things like this gotta be guided.
Get right down to Morgan's Creek,
buy up a few choice corners...
some hotel sites, they'll need some.
And the bus franchises will be very valuable.
- Morgan's what?
- "Creek," like a little river.
- A little river should have a big dam.
- Why not? Give me the facts.
It's the biggest thing happening to
this state since we stole it from the Indians.
- Borrowed.
- Who's excited now?
I'll tell you all I know, Mr. Governor.
I started the whole thing.
I was writing my midweek editorial,
I was looking for a subject for it.
I'm rather famous for my editorials
in this part of the state.
He's going to tell us his life story!
And I noticed a few soldiers in the town.
- What an eye!
- What a bore!
It occurred to me
that the girls in the town...
and the soldiers around the towns would
make an excellent subject for my editorial!
All right, let's have it!
We're going to get it anyhow.
I was looking out the window
and there I saw Off. Kockenlocker...
our town constable,
directing traffic as usual.
Keep moving! Can't you see it says "Go?"
Get out of here!
We got to get some dates for that
dance tonight. You got any numbers?
Try the telephone company.
What do you think I am?
- Tough guy, huh?
- Tough enough, rookie!
Where do you get that rookie stuff?
Listen, cookie, I was in France
before you were housebroken.
Now, get off the street
and behave yourselves.
- What's all the trouble?
- There's no trouble.
I just don't like to be talked to
by rookies, that's all.
This is Mr. Kockenlocker, gentlemen,
a sergeant in the other war.
- It's all different now, Ed.
- It's all done with kindness.
Yeah. Come on, get off the street.
Quit blocking the traffic.
- Please.
- Please.
You get the idea, Ed?
It's more psychological.
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
Excuse me, were you looking for some girls?
- We certainly were.
- I know of one.
- I'll bet you do, sugar.
- It's Mr. Kockenlocker's daughter.
That crab?
She's one of the prettiest girls in town.
She works in Rafferty's Music Store.
Come on now, you got to beat it or buy
something before Mr. Rafferty gets after me.
- Will you come tonight?
- Sure, I'll be there.
All right, so long, Trudy.
- Save the first dance for me, will you?
- I'll flip you for it.
Save me the last dance.
- Hello, Trudy.
- Hello, Norval.
I'd like a package
of phonograph needles, please.
- Three Indestructos or 36 Ragons?
- It really doesn't matter.
- I think the Indestructos...
- Thank you, Trudy.
I passed by the lobby. They've got
three pictures playing at the Regent tonight.
I thought that if you weren't doing anything,
considering that I was also free...
I'm awfully sorry, Norval,
but I wouldn't be able to make it tonight.
I promised to go to the dance
for the boys that are going away.
- For the soldiers.
- That's right, Norval. I'm awful sorry.
You'd think they'd give a party sometime
for those who have to stay behind.
They also serve, who only sit and...
Whatever they do, I forget.
I'm sure they do, Norval.
I don't get to see you quite as much
as I used to, or as I'd like to, Trudy.
I'm awfully sorry, Norval.
Naturally, the camps, the canteens and
everything take up a lot of your spare time.
Why don't you come tonight?
The tickets are only 50 cents.
It isn't the 50 cents.
I wouldn't feel right not being in uniform.
- I guess nobody feels good about that.
- It isn't as if I hadn't tried.
- But every time they start to examine me...
- I know.
- And then...
- I know.
- The spots.
- The spots.
- Maybe some other time, Trudy.
- I'd be glad to, Norval.
Good night, Trudy.
You forgot your needles.
It really doesn't matter.
I haven't got a phonograph, anyway.
What are you looking at?
You wasn't thinking
of getting married, was you?
At 14?
I was thinking of going down
to the corner and having a soda.
I don't mean what you were thinking about
right now, I mean generally.
- Generally, yes.
- "Generally, yes" what?
Generally yes, I think about marriage.
What else do you think I think about?
- You do, do you?
- Anybody can think about it, can't they?
It doesn't cost anything to think about it.
It's only when you do it that it costs $2.
What costs $2?
You seem to know a great deal
about a subject far beyond your years.
- Like it says here in the paper...
- That's your subject, Papa.
You introduced it.
If you don't like it, ignore it.
Tell your sister
the house ain't paid for, will you?
She knows that, Papa.
You tell her every day.
Every day ain't enough.
What's she doing up there, anyway?
- Getting ready for the party.
- Getting ready for what party?
The dance, Papa.
You've got to kiss the boys goodbye.
It's a farewell party. A military affair.
- Good night, Papa.
- Just a moment!
What is this military
kiss-the-boys-goodbye business...
and where is it to be transacted?
Just like they always do,
in the church basement...
then the country club
and then kind of... Like that.
- Like what?
- That's all.
- Good night, Papa.
- Just a minute!
- What happens after the country club?
- Then they bring you home.
Yeah, by way of Cincinnati
with a side trip through Detroit!
I was a soldier, too, in the last war.
But, Papa, I've already promised
and I'm all dressed up.
You can go get undressed.
It says here in the paper...
But, Papa...
People aren't as evil-minded as they
used to be when you were a soldier, Papa.
When I want any advice out of you,
I'll ask for it.
- And you'll get it.
- Yeah?
I wish Mama was here.
So do I, believe me.
But she ain't. Daughters.
So, as your father and mother combined...
I'm here to tell you that
you ain't going on no more military parties.
Read what it says here in the paper!
If you don't mind my mentioning it, Father,
I think you have a mind like a swamp.
- Aren't you going out tonight?
- No, ma'am.
I thought you were going to the picture.
I thought I would,
and then I figured I wouldn't.
Isn't there a dance or something tonight?
For the soldiers.
I'm sorry, Norval.
If they don't want me, they don't want me.
Couldn't the doctor
give you something to calm you?
Just long enough for the examination,
like whiskey or something?
I'm perfectly calm. I'm as cool as ice.
I start to figure maybe they won't take me...
and some cold sweat runs down the middle
of my back, and my head begins to buzz...
and everything in the middle of the room
begins to swim...
and I get black spots in front of my eyes...
and they say I've got
high blood pressure again.
And all the time I'm cool as ice!
- Don't get so excited, Norval.
- Who's excited?
Hello. Yes.
Gee, that's swell, Trudy.
Kind of a lucky break, huh?
I certainly appreciate you calling me
right away. I'll be right over.
Goodbye. Oh, boy!
- Have you got any money?
- Money?
What for? Yeah, I've got plenty. Goodbye.
- Your coat!
- My coat.
- I got it.
- Don't get so excited!
What kind of music is that?
Hello, Trudy. Hello, Emmy.
Good evening, Mr. Kockenlocker.
I'm glad you're going to
the picture show with me tonight.
- Who, me?
- I'm very glad to go with you, Norval.
Fine. I don't want to sound unpatriotic
but I'm glad they called that dance off...
- for my sake, I mean.
- It wasn't exactly for your...
- It was just called off.
- Come on, Norval. Good night, Emmy, Papa.
- Be home right after the picture.
- Where else could I go?
- I didn't ask where else...
- There's a new boogie-woogie joint...
- Listen, you.
- Come on, Norval.
Right after the picture.
- Yes, Papa.
- Yes, Mr. Kockenlocker.
Now, what do you know about
this little boogie-woogie joint?
Nothing, Papa.
I just heard you were there,
digging quite a trench.
It was certainly very sweet of you
to come and get me right away, Norval.
The pleasure's all mine, Trudy.
Except to get into the Army,
I can't hardly think of anything...
that gives me as much pleasure
as taking you out.
That's nice to hear. You certainly
helped me out by taking me out tonight.
After I was all dressed up
like a horse and everything.
The pleasure's mine, Trudy.
Not that you look anything like a horse.
- Maybe I should have worn my tuxedo.
- Thank you, Norval.
- You certainly helped me out.
- Any time.
- You really mean that, Norval?
- Really mean what, Trudy?
You'd help me out anytime?
Why, Trudy, that's almost all I live for,
except maybe getting into the Army.
I can't think of anything that
makes me more happy than helping you out.
I almost wish you'd be in a lot of trouble
sometime so I could prove it to you.
You can prove it tonight.
I am in a lot of trouble, Norval.
They didn't call off that military dance.
Papa just called it off
as far as I was concerned.
He did?
He probably had pretty good reasons, then.
That's what parents are for,
to listen to their advice.
That's why I always missed
losing my parents so much.
I know. But he didn't have a good reason.
He's just old-fashioned.
Soldiers aren't like they used to be
when he was a soldier.
You know, all in France and like that.
- Aren't they?
- Of course they're not.
They're fine, clean young boys
from good homes...
and we can't send them off to be killed...
in the rockets' red glare,
bombs bursting in air...
without anybody to say
goodbye to them, can we?
They've probably got their families.
Even if they have, they ought to have
girls and dancing.
How about those who haven't
got any families? How about the orphans?
Who says goodbye to them?
You ought to know about them.
The superintendent probably comes down
from the asylum for old times' sake.
Norval, I think you're perfectly heartless.
I hope you get into the Army someday
and the last thing that happens to you...
before you sail away,
the last thing you have to treasure...
while you're fighting beneath foreign skies
is a kiss from the superintendent!
- What do you want me to say?
- I want you to say:
"Trudy, it's your bounden duty
to say goodbye to our boys.
"To dance with them, to give them
something to remember, to fight for.
"I won't take no for an answer, so
I'll drop you off at the church basement...
"take in a movie, then pick you up
and take you home...
"like a chivalrous gentleman
so you won't get in wrong with Papa."
- That's what I want you to say.
- I won't say it.
- Please, Norval.
- I won't do it.
I won't sit through three features
all by myself.
Couldn't you sleep through
a couple of them?
Suppose you get caught?
Where does that put me with your father?
Why should I get caught?
Anyway, I'm not doing anything wrong.
The whole idea sounds
very cheesy to me, Trudy.
I'm not trying to be disagreeable...
but if you want me
as a kind of a false front, a kind of decoy...
I might just as well take you home
right now and say goodbye to you.
That doesn't cut any ice with me.
Go ahead, cry all you like.
I've seen you cry before.
- Stop it, will you?
- I'm not crying for me.
I'm just thinking of those poor boys
going away like poor little orphans.
- You're not the only dame in town, are you?
- That's right, insult me.
I'm not insulting you, Trudy. I...
Where will I meet you?
It doesn't matter now
that you've spoiled everything.
- Doesn't it?
- What time is the third feature over?
About 1: 10, if my seat holds out.
- All right, I'll pick you up at 1: 10.
- Pick me up?
What do you mean pick me up?
Don't you think I ought to take your car?
The boys mightn't have any.
Take my car?
First, you get me out
under false pretenses...
which you never had
the slightest intention of...
Then you want me to sit through
three features all by myself...
and now you want to take my car
in the bargain for a bunch...
Of all the confounded nerve I ever...
All right! Here.
The car's in front of my house.
Is there anything else you want?
How about my gas card?
My money? My watch?
Maybe one of the boys could use it.
What a war.
- Say, I've got a wonderful idea.
- What?
Let's all get married.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
The finest bunch of boys I've ever seen.
I want champagne
for everybody in the house.
I'm so sorry. The whole house.
I've got a wonderful idea.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
Hello, Norval. It's nice to see you.
How long you've been waiting?
What do you think?
Holy mackerel, you know what time it is?
We had a wonderful time, Norval.
We sang and then we danced
and then we had some lemonade and then...
it's almost as if somebody slugged me
or something.
Isn't that funny?
The next thing I remember...
I was driving down the street
and all of a sudden I said, "Norval.
"Norval must be waiting for me."
I bet I'm a couple minutes late.
- You win.
- I'm awful sorry, Norval.
If there's one thing I despise,
it's people who...
I mean if there's one thing I love,
it's punctual...
People who are on time.
- You've been drinking!
- Who's been drinking?
I never had a drink in my life!
How dare you insinuate I've been drinking?
You certainly don't get
what you've got on lemonade.
- I certainly did.
- All right.
What have you been using on my car,
a pickaxe?
Is this your car?
I was wondering
where I found this old jalopy.
- Where do you suppose I've been?
- I'm sure I don't know.
It's funny, I remember everything perfectly
up to someplace.
We were dancing or something, and then...
I can't remember anymore.
What am I supposed to do now,
take you home?
Naturally, Norval, since I'm out with you.
- What's your father going to say?
- Papa's probably asleep.
We don't have to worry about him.
I suppose you realize
it's 8:00 in the morning?
Norval, you shouldn't have
kept me out so late!
I shouldn't have kept you out so late!
- Papa will be very cross with you, Norval.
- He will, will he?
Suppose I tell him I've been waiting
in a picture lobby for you all night?
That doesn't sound like you, Norval.
I've heard a lot of things against you but
I never heard anybody say you were a heel.
Thanks. Move over.
Maybe we could tell him
we'd been in an accident or something.
Wouldn't we have to wreck the car a little?
It could pass the way it is!
Maybe we went for a ride after the movie
and had a flat.
- It's old, but it's reliable.
- I don't think Papa goes for that one.
- He makes you show the patch.
- He does?
We might have fallen asleep
in the movie and not waked up...
but the best one I can think of is that Papa
had better be asleep when we get there.
You said it!
Thanks a million, Norval.
I'll never forget your kindness.
- I had a wonderful time.
- Can you get in all right?
"Can I get in all right?"
Why, what's the matter with you, Norval?
I never had a drink in my life...
and you talk as if I were
swaffled or something.
Good night!
- Are you hurt, Trudy? Are you all right?
- You stop that!
Norval, you stop!
- You're playing too rough.
- And what kind of a game is this?
Hello, Papa.
We were just kidding around a little
before saying good night.
I see.
And what time do you say good night
as a rule?
- Good night, Norval. Thanks for the movie.
- Just a minute, Mr. Jones!
Where have you been with my daughter
till this hour of the morning?
I don't want to hear about
the accident on the way home...
or the flat tire,
or falling asleep in the movies!
- It's not so late, Papa.
- It may not be late where you come from.
- Stop it, Papa!
- Why don't you say something?
Don't make so much noise, Papa.
You'll wake up the whole neighborhood.
Will you get back in the house?
I'll give you one more chance.
- He's going to explode, Papa!
- Flat tire!
We fell asleep in the movies!
That's all I wanted to know.
I'll flat tire you, you flat tire!
Stop it, Papa! Beat it, Norval!
Trip him, Emmy!
Beat it, Norval!
- Good morning, Mr. Shottish.
- Good morning, Norval.
Been out on a little party?
Yes, sir. You know how it is.
I certainly do.
All right, step lively, men.
Catch those bags up there. That's it.
So long, Lefty.
It's a swell town you got here.
Take care of yourselves.
- Swell girls.
- Swell party.
- How can you feel so good this morning?
- I never felt better in my life.
Why shouldn't we feel good?
If I drunk that much lemonade,
I'd be sour for a week.
Puts my teeth on edge to think of it.
- Any prisoners, Sergeant?
- Nothing, sir.
Sunday morning
and not a stiff in the guardhouse.
Fine. Psycho-lology.
But I still can't understand
how you could stay out so late...
- no matter how much fun you had.
- I can't figure that out, either.
I remember everything perfectly
up to someplace we were dancing.
The next thing I remember,
I was driving down Main Street...
and Norval was waiting.
You didn't go to sleep somewhere
or something?
I don't think so.
You know me, I never get tired.
Did somebody say something about,
"let's all get married," or something?
- No.
- Or did I dream it?
Yes, they did!
And some of those poor dumb kids
thought that would be a wonderful idea.
Can you imagine getting hitched up
in the middle of the night...
with a curtain ring to somebody that's
going away that you might never see again?
You don't suppose any of them
were dumb enough to...
What's that on your finger?
You didn't...
Are you sure you can't remember his name?
How can I remember his name
when I can't even remember...
Wait a minute.
I remember I danced with a tall, dark boy...
with curly hair...
and a little short one with freckles...
and a big fat blond one who sang in my ear.
But if I married any of those
it would have been the tall, dark one...
- with the curly hair, don't you think?
- That's a big help.
All we've got to do is line up...
all the curly-haired men in the Army
and the Navy and the Marine Corps...
It had a "Z" in it.
- His hair?
- No, his name, foolish.
Like Ratzkiwatzki, Pvt. Ratzkiwatzki...
or was it Zitzkiwitzki?
- With a name like that I'd forget him.
- Now you knocked it out of my head!
What's the matter with us?
If you got married,
you must have given your name.
Now all we've got to do is find out
where you got the license.
We've got your name, his name, the date
and everything, and there you are.
- I just remembered something else.
- What?
Somebody said,
"Don't give your right name."
But you didn't fall for it?
You told them to go suck a lemon.
You weren't such a corn-fed dope as to...
- What name did you give?
- I don't remember.
Then the guy can't ever find you
even if he comes looking for you.
Then we'll never even know
if you got married.
I hope not.
If you will just follow these instructions
and come in again in about a month.
Thank you, Doctor.
There, there.
You'll find your husband, I'm sure of it.
And if you shouldn't find him...
You will find him!
Thank you, Doctor.
You don't have to tell anybody.
I mean, you won't tell anybody
until I find him?
Of course I won't, Trudy.
I'm a doctor, not a gossip smearer.
Thank you, Doctor.
- Well?
- Well, what?
- How are we doing?
- Great.
Then we're really in a mess.
Not you, just me.
So what? You don't have to cry about it.
You're not the first dumb cluck
who couldn't find her husband.
What with the war and all,
there'll probably be millions of them.
They say they have
much the prettiest babies, too.
He'll come back. He has to come back.
What're you laughing about?
I was just wondering whether
I was going to be an aunt or an uncle.
Stop it, will you?
I'm only trying to make you smile, Trudy.
- Come on, we'll see Mr. Johnson, the lawyer.
- What for?
To find out if you're really married.
You're kind of hard to convince, aren't you?
- Certainly she's married.
- Even with a phony name, Mr. Johnson?
What's the name got to do with it?
Marriage is a matter of fact, not names.
The marriage was celebrated, I presume?
- They usually are.
- I think so.
Since you're here on behalf of a friend
who does not wish to appear...
all I've gotta say is,
she ought to be ashamed of herself.
She's a very nice girl.
It just happened, that's all.
I mean because of her carelessness!
The responsibility for recording a marriage
has always been up to the woman.
If it wasn't for her,
marriage would have disappeared long since.
No man is going to jeopardize his present
or poison his future...
with little brats hollering around the house
unless he's forced to.
It's up to the woman
to knock him down, hog-tie him...
and drag him in front of two witnesses
immediately, if not sooner.
Any time after that is too late.
Your friend doesn't remember
the bridegroom's name?
No, sir.
She used an assumed name. Perfect.
That's really airtight.
- Couldn't you do anything?
- What, for instance?
- Divorce...
- Or sue him for alimony?
Sue who? Annul who?
I practice the law. I'm not only willing, but
anxious to sue anyone, anytime for anything.
They've got to be real people with names,
corpuses, and meat on their bones.
I can't work with spooks.
Your friend doesn't need a lawyer,
she needs a medium.
- Thank you, Mr. Johnson.
- That will be $5.
Which you'll kindly hang onto
and buy flowers with on the happy day...
for your friend, of course.
You don't have to tell anybody,
do you, about our friend?
How could I when I don't even know
who she is?
Thank you, Mr. Johnson.
I've gotta get back to the store now, Emmy.
Could you get me a sandwich
and bring it in to me, a Swiss on rye?
Sure. But the way I look at it, it was
a man got our friend in the soup.
- Let a man get her out of it.
- But how?
She could always get married, couldn't she?
How can I get married
when I'm already married?
Don't talk about yourself,
we're talking about our friend.
It's all very well to say she's married,
but when the time comes to prove...
Are you trying to say our friend is a liar?
- Don't talk so loud.
- You better not.
I'm only 14.
My ideas probably aren't any good, anyway.
I was only trying to be helpful.
Our friend could just marry somebody
and then one day...
Sure. One day she could say:
"By the way,
there's something I forgot to mention."
Anyway, I'm already married.
Mr. Johnson said so.
What does he know? He takes in roomers.
Nobody's going to believe it.
Nobody believes good if they've got
a chance to believe something bad.
But that would be bigamy.
How can it be bigamy
if they didn't get your right name?
You never got married.
That was somebody else.
I could ask the other girls
who were on the party.
If they knew, we would have heard about it,
you can bet your life.
You must have slipped away somewhere
and done it quietly like movie stars.
- I wonder what Papa's going to say.
- He probably won't say much.
He'll just haul off and shoot Norval
so full of holes, he'll look like Swiss cheese.
That was a Swiss on rye you wanted,
wasn't it?
- Norval? Where does he fit in?
- He took you out, didn't he?
He brought you home, didn't he?
At 8:00 in the morning, didn't he?
He fits like the skin on a wienie.
Poor Norval. We'd better warn him.
- We'd better marry him.
- Marry him?
How can you say such things, Emmy?
What's the matter with you?
He was made for it.
Like the ox was made to eat
and the grape was made to drink.
I'll get you the Swiss on rye.
I'm certainly glad to see you all again.
For a while there, I thought you were
kind of sore at me, Mr. Kockenlocker.
- Papa's bite's worse than his bark.
- You said it.
Wait till you get married
and have half a dozen daughters...
and see how you feel when some mug
brings them home 8:00 in the morning.
- But, Papa, you only have two daughters.
- That's plenty.
They're a mess
no matter how you look at them.
A headache till they get married,
if they get married...
- and after that they get worse.
- Pudding?
Either they leave their husbands...
and come back with four children
and move into your guest room...
or their husband loses his job
and the whole caboodle comes back.
Or else they're so homely
you can't get rid of them at all...
and they hang around the house
like Spanish moss...
and shame you into an early grave.
I guess it's a good thing
I didn't have any designs on you.
The way Papa kept talking about
marriage and all.
If you had any designs, they wouldn't
be on me much anyway, I guess.
I guess they would be, if I had any.
Yes, but you haven't. That's what I mean.
Like the night of the party...
you could have stayed
and gone to the show with me...
- but instead, you didn't.
- I'm sorry I didn't, Norval.
- No fooling?
- No fooling.
I wouldn't have got
your car nicked up or anything.
It was only for the boys.
I know.
You can't expect a girl to see much
in a civilian these days...
even an unwilling civilian.
If they had uniforms for them,
it might be a little different.
- I'm not so crazy about uniforms.
- You're not?
I'd give anything to wear one.
That's because you're a man.
Lots of women wear them, too,
like those WACos.
Woman's place is in the home.
That sounds kind of old-fashioned
and domestic coming from you, Trudy.
Sometimes you just naturally feel
old-fashioned and domestic, Norval.
I guess no girl ever gets away
from it, really.
She thinks she is, and then one day,
something happens...
and she finds out she isn't.
Something like what, Trudy?
Something like falling in love,
maybe, or something.
Why, Trudy!
If I didn't know you so well...
and know that nothing could be further
from your mind...
a fellow would almost swear
you were giving him a hint.
Would that be so terrible?
Terrible! It'd be marvelous!
How much of a hint would you need?
Why, Trudy! I...
Norval, remember your blood pressure.
I wouldn't want anything to happen to you
just before you said...
whatever you're getting ready to say.
Don't worry about me.
It's only the surprise of realizing that
what you've been dreaming about...
I mean, what you've been thinking about
all these...
It's not only not impossible,
but even totally...
Trudy, will you marry me?
Norval, this is so sudden!
- Trudy!
- Norval!
Are you all right?
- What happened this time?
- Nothing, Papa.
- Norval just took a little fall.
- Come on, Papa.
Don't tear the house down. It ain't paid for.
- She knows that, you tell her twice a day!
- Twice today ain't enough.
- I'm sorry I was so clumsy.
- That's all right.
- Are you comfortable?
- Fine, thanks.
Say, did I just propose to you or something?
- Yes, you did, Norval.
- How did I come out?
- It was so sudden.
- So sudden?
What do you mean it was so sudden?
How can anything be sudden that's gone on
since you were little kids together?
Almost since I can remember.
I can tell you what dress you wore
at the first Fourth of July party...
and you weren't hardly any bigger
than the firecrackers.
Then you remember the church lawn party
when you sat in the apple butter...
and they blamed me for it?
Then later, at high school,
when I took all kinds of subjects...
I didn't give a hoot about,
it was just to be near you, Trudy.
The cooking wasn't so bad, but the sewing!
And then the older I got, the uglier I got.
When I was a kid they said,
"He'll grow out of it."
But I guess a face like mine,
you just can't grow out of so easy.
It's like it's cast in iron.
So I really didn't blame you...
when you began looking at
the personality kids with the Greek profiles...
and the curly haircuts.
- I did not!
- I didn't blame you.
I even bought a thing once for my nose
but it kept me awake nights...
except once when I almost smothered.
It was only for you.
It's always been for you
and nobody but you.
That's what I went into the bank for,
to get rich and to buy you things someday.
Anything your heart desired.
And then it began to look as if everything
I ever hoped for wasn't going to be.
You had less and less time for me...
and then not having a uniform and all.
But now, Trudy, now that everything
in the world is right here beside me...
everything I've ever dreamed of, to have
and to hold, to cherish and to protect...
- how can you say it's so sudden?
- Norval!
- Why, Trudy, what's the matter?
- I can't do it to you, Norval!
Trudy, if I've said anything
to hurt your feelings...
- I wouldn't hurt your feelings.
- I can't do it, Norval!
You can't do what to me, Trudy?
What have you done to my daughter now?
- Papa! Please, the neighbors!
- What have you done to her?
- Papa, please. It wasn't his fault!
- Then what are you crying about?
- I can cry if I want to!
- I'm gonna give you one more chance!
Papa, please!
Papa, can't you learn to be
a little more refined?
- How do you feel?
- How do you feel?
- It doesn't matter about me.
- Thank you, Norval.
What made you cry?
I'm sorry.
Was it the thought of marrying me?
Yes, but not the way you think.
I'm in terrible trouble, Norval...
and somehow I just naturally turned to you.
Like you said that night, you remember?
You almost wished I'd be in terrible trouble
so you could help me out of it?
- That's right.
- You certainly got your wish.
I don't suppose
you'd want to help me out again.
I mean, the idea might not
appeal to you entirely.
- Where's the party tonight?
- What?
That party I went to was enough of a party
for me for quite a while.
That was kind of a party to end all parties,
if you get what I mean.
Trudy, you said
you had such a wonderful time.
I did, in a way, but some kind of fun
lasts longer than others...
- if you get what I mean.
- I'm not sure that I do, Trudy.
Maybe I can find a better way
to explain it to you.
Maybe you can.
When you asked me to marry you, Norval,
did you really mean it?
Of course I did.
Could you think of any reason
why you wouldn't want to marry me?
What would I do with such a reason?
I do want to marry you.
I can't do it to you, Norval!
Now we're right back where we started.
- Norval, can you keep a secret?
- Of course I can.
Cross your heart and hope to die,
boil in oil and stew in lye?
- Cross my heart and hope to die.
- Boil in oil and stew in lye?
- Sure.
- I'm married.
You're married. You're what?
- Norval! Don't get so excited!
- But, Trudy, you said...
Excuse me.
I thought for a minute there
you said you were married.
- I did say I was married.
- You did say you were married!
Trudy, you... The spots!
...said you were married!
- It happened that night.
- It happened that night?
- You mean the night you were out with me?
- That's right.
Trudy, that's the terriblest thing I ever...
How could you do... The spots! me, Trudy?
- That isn't even the worst of it.
- That isn't even the worst?
That isn't even...
What could be worse than that?
You're going to make me cry.
Go ahead, cry. Cry all you like, see if I care!
The spots!
- Who did you marry?
- I don't know.
You don't know!
What do you mean, you don't know?
That's the most ridiculous statement
I ever...
It has a "Z" in it.
His name had a "Z" in it, I think.
I don't know.
I've thought so much about it...
and the more I think about it,
the less I can remember.
Don't tell me to find the name on the
marriage license because I haven't got any.
And don't ask me if I'm sure I'm married,
because I am sure.
How can you be sure if there's no name
on the record?
How can you possibly be...
Trudy, you don't mean...
- That's right.
- The spots!
That's terrible! I feel terrible.
- How do you suppose I feel?
- That's the terriblest thing I ever...
What's your father going to say
when he finds out? You can't...
You haven't any husband...
I mean, any proof. Who's he going...
- The spots!
- I can almost see them myself.
- How can you...
- Norval, take it easy.
- I'm the last person, I tried.
- Norval, try to focus.
- You better take me home, Norval.
- Focus.
- No, home.
- Hocus.
Just a minute.
Now, what was all that clowning around
on the front porch?
Don't you know there are times
when a woman doesn't care to talk?
A woman doesn't care to talk?
Only time a woman doesn't care to talk
is when she's dead.
- Where do you get that woman stuff?
- Or to be questioned?
Or be what?
Papa, don't!
- What happened?
- Nothing.
Just Papa pulling his usual stuff.
No, I mean with Norval.
I couldn't do it to him, Emmy.
He was so sweet, honey.
He said he loved me ever since I wasn't
any bigger than a fire hydrant or something.
How he didn't blame me for not loving him
because he was so homely in the face...
and how he went to cooking class
and sewing class...
just to be near me, Emmy.
But he's perfect.
He could do all the housework.
I couldn't do it to him, Emmy.
Why don't you give yourself up?
- You ought to have your brains counted.
- I couldn't do it to him.
We'll have to find something else.
Where are you going to find
another clunk like that one?
There's nothing says you got to have
a husband on a happy day.
- You take like a widow.
- Yes, but a widow had one.
I had one.
You don't have to convince me, Trudy.
I love you.
I know you wouldn't do anything wrong...
except you take after
Papa's side of the family a little.
It would hurt me just as much
as it would you to have you hurt...
and miserable, ashamed and everything.
That's the only reason
I want you to get married.
You can't tell how a town's
going to take things.
A town that can produce schnooks like Papa.
All suspicious and suspecting
the worst in everything.
There are very few dopes like Norval, honey.
You can't use anybody too snoopy.
Then maybe I shouldn't have told him.
You didn't tell him.
- Murder!
- Emmy!
What's going on in there, anyway?
How about a little quiet? Daughters.
- Going to lunch.
- Yes, sir.
- Funny thing happened this morning, Norval.
- Yes, sir?
Mr. Shottish asked me
if you had announced your engagement yet.
- My engagement?
- Yes.
He kind of had a wild idea that
maybe you'd eloped or something.
What would I elope for?
- What are you so nervous about?
- Who's nervous?
- I mean, who's nervous?
- All I mean, Norval, is this.
It isn't any of my business,
what time you get home in the morning...
or how drunk you are
when you do get home...
- but it is the bank's business.
- The bank.
That's right.
A man in a bank is like a fellow crossing
Niagara Falls on a tightrope.
- He cannot be too careful.
- Yes, I get what you mean, Mr. Tuerck.
Fathers taking pokes at you
and all that sort of stuff.
- Very bad for a banker.
- You said it, Mr. Tuerck.
- You said it.
- Remember it.
Yes, sir.
Come on, step lively.
- Hi, Mr. Tuerck.
- Hello, Edmund.
I'm glad to see
they haven't run you down yet.
I'll get it from a horse when I get it.
I heard a rumor that one of your daughters
is getting married. Any truth in it?
- One of my daughters? Who told you?
- A little bird.
We bankers, you know. We have our own
little channels of information.
Congratulations, Edmund.
Maybe you ought to just marry me
and forget the whole thing.
I couldn't do that to you, Norval.
I couldn't let you take the risk of going
to jail for 20 years for bigamy.
You were going to on the front porch...
and you didn't mention anything
about the 20 years...
when I started to propose to you.
I wasn't in love with you then, Norval.
Do you really mean that, Trudy?
I feel very much ashamed of myself
for what I almost did to you, Norval.
What are you talking about?
All you did was give me the chance
I've always wanted...
that I've been waiting for.
To show you how much I love you
and the kind of love I had for you.
- You've got to marry me, Trudy.
- I can't do it to you, Norval.
But I want you to know how much
I appreciate your offer...
and how much I wish I'd known
how sweet you are a little sooner.
I want you to know that
and to remember it always.
It will be my dying wish.
And when they fish me out...
I want you to know that
my last thought was of you.
Fish you out? You mean of the creek?
- It may be the only way.
- What are you talking about, Trudy?
That's the last way,
when everything else has failed.
Before I tried that, I'd try bigamy,
forgery, burglary, anything.
The only awful part about it is that
Papa'd be sure to shoot you then.
Of course, without you,
it wouldn't matter, anyway.
Thank you, dear.
Maybe we could jump in together.
There's not much water
this time of year, Trudy.
Isn't there a swimming hole
about 10 miles away?
You're not supposed to use your tires
for anything like that, Trudy.
Besides, I'm a very good swimmer
and being a very good swimmer...
they say that whenever
they get in a situation like that...
they just naturally swim right out.
I'm a very good swimmer, too.
I hadn't thought of that.
Well, then, let's forget the creek.
Maybe we could tie rocks around our necks.
- What's the matter with gas?
- What's the matter with bigamy?
Come here.
I want to have a little talk with you.
- With me, Papa?
- No, with your gentleman friend there.
- You go in the house.
- Yes, sir.
Go on.
Sit down!
What are you so nervous about?
Who's nervous?
There's getting to be quite a little talk
in the town.
Where I come from, we don't skulk
around in the bushes, you get me?
- Yes, sir.
- When we gotta cross the street...
we don't crawl through the sewer
to get there.
- Yes, sir.
- When we've got something to say we say it!
- Yes, sir.
- When is the happy event?
I didn't hear exactly what you said.
When are you and Trudy getting hitched?
- What are you laughing about?
- Who me? I'm not laughing.
Just something I heard at the bank today.
You haven't answered my question.
There isn't any idiocy
in your family, is there?
- She won't have me.
- She won't?
- I already asked her.
- You didn't ask her right.
You gotta be more forceful in these matters.
Dames like to be bossed.
Now, you take me...
I did my best.
You can do better. You better do better.
- All you can do is ask.
- We accept.
You're in.
Now, wait a minute. There might be
a couple of reasons, a couple of details.
You can settle the details up between you.
All I'm interested in is results.
I'm a man who looks at things broadly, see?
- I'm a man who...
- Now, wait...
I'll go!
I almost forgot. Congratulations!
- What was that shooting?
- Nothing.
He was just practicing.
- It frightened me!
- There's nothing to be frightened about.
Only, he wants us to get married
right away, Trudy...
- and he was very firm about it.
- Why?
You mean because you brought
me home the other morning?
You mustn't start arguing, Trudy.
The whole town's talking.
You're in a terrible spot, Trudy.
You've either got to marry me right away...
or tell him the whole truth...
which would be terrible.
- I can't do it to you, Norval.
- What are you talking about, Trudy?
It's just a lucky break for me.
I tried to tell you that.
You're just giving me an opportunity.
But that's bigamy!
I'm already married to Ratzkiwatzki.
I can't keep on marrying people,
no matter how sweet they are.
I've got it!
Norval, don't get so excited!
Wait a minute, Trudy, I've got it!
- Don't get so excited, Norval.
- Who's excited?
This is airtight and watertight.
It's foolproof and almost legal, Trudy.
And when we get through,
you can divorce that gink and marry me.
- Norval, take it easy.
- It's a cinch. It's almost an inspiration!
Now, will you go to the movies
with me tomorrow night, the early show?
- Of course. I'll be glad to.
- That's all there is to it.
I'll get everything ready and I'll go this way.
I don't want to meet your father just yet.
- Norval, wait a minute.
- Don't worry about a thing.
- It's just as easy as falling off a log.
- But, Norval...
- Did you break anything, dear?
- Nothing but my back.
Who, me? No. It's for my aunt in the East.
She dropped hers down a rat hole...
A crack in the floor...
so I'm getting this as a surprise for her.
Her finger felt kind of naked.
- I can't do it, Norval!
- But, Mr. Swartz...
They wrote me a letter.
- But it's just to wear around...
- Wool is very scarce.
- "We've got to save it for the soldiers."
- Well, how about cotton?
"Cotton is very scarcer."
It says so in the next paragraph somewhere.
What for do you want
for a uniform for, anyhow?
- I wouldn't want you to tell anybody.
- Norval!
Well, it's just to put...
I mean, to wear around the house.
- When you've always wanted...
- How about an Indian suit with feathers?
That? No, thank you.
- Wait! Just to wear around the house?
- Well, in the yard, maybe.
- I got it!
- You have? You got it?
- It ain't the latest.
- What does that matter?
You got the shoes, too?
I'll even throw in the gun.
For $5 you got the whole works.
And you can play soldier
till your feet wear out.
- That's very kind of you, Mr. Swartz.
- Very kind of you, Norval.
You can have the steel helmet, too.
But that's bigamy just as much as
if you married him as Norval Jones.
No, it isn't. They do it all the time.
When a king wants to get married,
only, he's too busy in his own kingdom...
and he can't get over
to the other kingdom...
and the other king won't send
the princess over C.O. D...
because he doesn't trust the first king.
So they send a kind of a phony bridegroom
over and he marries the princess.
Except, he doesn't really marry her.
It's what they call "marriage by prexy."
I didn't know prexies
could perform marriages.
I didn't either.
- Well, it's bigamy.
- It is not!
Good evening.
I've come to take Trudy to the movies.
- What's so funny about that?
- Nothing.
Shall I tell her I'm here or will you?
What do you want me to do, fire a salute?
Very funny.
- You remember what I told you last night?
- Yes, sir.
- Keep thinking about it?
- Yes, sir.
- Movie is a very good place.
- Yes, sir.
- You can hold hands.
- Sure.
- Snuggle up.
- Fine.
- You get the idea?
- Perfectly.
Do you want me to come
and sit behind you?
Okay. Then, I guess that's about all.
They ain't giving away
a set of dishes tonight, are they?
That must be him. Emmy, get my coat.
- Keep cool, Trudy.
- I'm cool!
- I'm not excited! Hello, Norval.
- Hello, Trudy.
We're going to see some
pretty good movies tonight.
- You said it, Norval.
- Are you gonna start that stuff now?
Well, goodbye, Papa.
- Goodbye, Mr. Kockenlocker.
- Goodbye, Emmy.
- Goodbye, Emmy.
- Goodbye, honey.
What's all the goodbying for?
They're seeing a couple of bum features.
Three features.
The Bride Wore Purple...
The Road to Reno,
and Are Husbands Necessary?
- And then home! No boogie-woogie!
- Papa, can't you be more refined?
Goodbye and watch your step!
What's going on around here, anyway?
- It's about 25 miles.
- I'm going to die before we get there.
There's nothing to be nervous about.
There's a justice of the peace.
- You got the uniform?
- It's in the back.
- And the ring?
- It's in the uniform.
- How do you look in it?
- I don't know. I haven't tried it on yet.
Now, look. There's one thing
we've got to settle on.
- What was his first name?
- You mean Ratzkiwatzki?
- Naturally.
- Does he have to have a first name?
Of course he has to have a first name.
Everybody has a first name.
Even dogs have first names,
even if he hasn't got any last name.
Well, I don't know.
I had an uncle named Roscoe.
- Roscoe! "He eats them alive!"
- What?
That's a snake eater's name!
- Well, it was my uncle's name.
- Well, how about Hugo?
Well, how about Otis?
- That was...
- Phooey.
- That was my father's name.
- I'm sorry.
It doesn't matter. You can call him
Montmorency for all I care.
- What goes good with Ratzkiwatzki?
- Nothing.
How about Ignatz?
Ignatz! You'd have to take
bicarbonate with that one.
Ignatz Ratzkiwatzki. Yeah, that fits all right.
It's all very well to sit there
and say "phooey"...
but I've got to find a first name
before we get there.
All right, Ignatz.
It's funny having almost our first fight
on the way to the altar.
Well, it isn't like having a bad fight.
It's more like people have
when they're picking out a name for their...
You mustn't think about that, Trudy.
Remember what it says in the Bible:
"Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."
And there isn't going to be any evil, Trudy.
Never for you.
Thank you, Norval.
- I bought you something.
- Thank you, Norval.
Please don't do that.
It's just that I feel almost as if
it was me marrying you.
I wish it were, Norval, so much.
- You really mean that, Trudy?
- Of course I do.
Look out!
It doesn't seem to be such a very good fit.
There seems to be
something wrong with it, Norval.
This must be the cavalry or something.
I haven't seen anything
like this around here.
What are those things?
I guess they go around your legs
or something.
Maybe it's a tropical uniform,
like General MacArthur wears.
Well, I never saw any pictures of
General MacArthur looking like this.
- What happened?
- I'm afraid to find out.
There seems to be
another seat left, anyway.
- Couldn't you hoist them up a little?
- Be careful!
How many seats do you think
these pants have, anyway?
- I'm sorry.
- Well, how do I look?
Well, you don't look like General MacArthur.
- Good evening.
- We'd like to be married.
Straight ahead, please.
Another army couple, Jake.
Just take it easy.
It'll all be over in a minute.
- I wish it were all over now.
- There's nothing to be nervous...
Good evening. Thinking of getting married?
Good idea.
- The names, please.
- Gertrude...
- How was that again?
- Gertrude...
Take it easy. There's nothing
to be scared of. People do it everyday.
- The bad part comes later.
- Gertrude Kockenlocker.
- K-O-C-K-E-N-L-O-C-K-E-R.
- L-O-C-K-E-R? That's better.
- And yours, young man?
- Ignatz.
Ignatz Ratzki...
How was that again?
- Ignatz Ratz...
- Now, take it easy, will you?
- I-G-N-A-N-A-T-T-Z.
- R-A-T-Z-W-l-Z-K-l-W-Z.
K-Z, what?
- Ratzkiwatzki.
- That's close enough.
Bride's residence?
17 Genessee Street, Morgan's Creek.
Morgan's Creek. Ever been married before?
I said, you ever been married before?
That's a simple question.
- No, sir.
- Groom's residence?
What are you doing down there?
What is the groom's residence?
Where do you live, in a tree?
- Your camp.
- Camp Smum.
Camp what?
- Smum.
- Where is it located?
It's located in Smum County.
- Suppose I just put "U.S. Army"?
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Is there still time?
- Plenty.
Now, if the witnesses will ever get here...
Miss Sally Blair and my wife
will act as witnesses for you.
Miss Gertrude Kockenlocker
and Mr. Ignatz Ratzkiwatzki Watastki.
Something like that. Or should that be
Pvt. Ignatz and the rest of it?
Are you sure that you love each other?
- What do you think they came here for?
- Are they sure?
Do you want lots of little babies?
And the patter of footsie-wootsies?
You better lay off
or I won't let you be witness anymore.
- Let's get down to business!
- Let's.
Take off your hat. "Ignatz Razly-Wazly.
"Do you take this woman,
Gertrude Sockenbocker...
"for your lawful wedded wife
to have and hold...
"to cherish and keep forever,
till death do you part?"
- I do.
- "Gertrude Krockendocker.
"Do you take Ignatz Razzby-Wadsby
for your lawful wedded husband...
"to have and hold, in sickness and health...
"to love, cherish and keep forever
till death do you part?"
- I do.
- Then give me the ring.
Place it on her third finger
and repeat after me:
- With this ring I thee wed.
- "With this ring I thee wed."
Then with the authority vested in me
by our sovereign state...
I now pronounce you man and wife.
That'll be $2, please.
That's all there is to it. Sign here.
Thank you. That certainly made me nervous.
If you knew what it was like,
it would make you nervouser.
- I've got it, dear.
- Fine. Now, sign there.
It certainly makes me feel much better.
There you are.
And a little cookbook goes with it...
with best wishes from those
who may have to eat the cooking.
Don't forget the pitty-patter. I always say,
a childless home is like a homeless child.
Just a minute!
- Who's Norval Jones?
- Norval!
Lock the door, Mariah!
This man is an abductor!
Get off my lap! What's the matter with you?
I've got a right to sit on your lap.
I'm your daughter, aren't I?
- That's what they told me.
- I'm nervous.
- What about?
- You don't hear a police siren, do you?
A police siren? That's a tree toad.
I keep feeling I hear a police siren.
How could you hear a police siren
when there ain't one in town?
I don't know.
I thought I heard it again there.
How could you hear a police siren when...
- there ain't one in town?
- What's that, a hoot owl?
That's a...
Make way, please.
- Hello, Papa.
- Trudy!
What's all this?
What are all you coppers doing in my town?
- Ever see this man before?
- Certainly I've seen him before!
What're you doing in the outfit, Norval?
All, please take notice
his name is Norval, not Ignatz...
and that is not his regular outfit.
Who said it was? What are they
supposed to have done anyway?
- You'll find out.
- Go on in the house! Go on.
Clear out of here, folks. Go on.
Go on home before I pinch you
for loitering! Get out of here!
He did what? All right, Edmund,
I'll be right over.
Norval's in some mess
with the Kockenlocker girl.
- I don't believe it.
- Nobody asked you to.
Are you nuts or something?
What's the idea of the get-up?
What war do you think you're in, buddy?
The ghost of the AEF.
Let's see your dog tags, General.
No more dog tags than feathers on a fish.
What camp you from, soldier?
U.S. Marines on one side
and Cavalry on the other.
A horse marine! I always wanted to see one.
Do you mind if I examine
the evidence, Corporal?
- Sergeant, if it's all the same to you...
- Just leave him alone!
I can explain everything to my father!
- But can you explain it to the judge?
- What judge! What's the charge?
- I fear there may be several.
- What are they?
If it's all the same to you,
I'm the sheriff of this county...
and will conduct the investigation.
You happen to be in Morgan's Creek
and I happen to be the town constable.
So if anybody's going to conduct
an investigation...
It's a federal matter, as a matter of fact,
so if it's all the same to you...
The way I learned, any man in uniform
is in the Army till proved different.
So we'll just take him over to camp.
Take your hands off my prisoner!
Good evening, all.
Who did what to who and where, any little
colorful sidelights and stories of interest?
I'm Mr. Johnson, a lawyer.
I represent Norval Jones.
Why, Norval! What are you doing
in your Boy Scout outfit?
Boy Scout outfit?
He's a mouthpiece.
He knows it's a U.S. Uniform.
- Don't fall for that stuff.
- What are you talking about?
That's a Boy Scout outfit if ever I saw one.
I remember very well when you joined
the Scouts. I said to Mrs. Johnson...
- No.
- It isn't? Of course it isn't!
I remember now.
The Woodsmen of the World.
The Woodsmen of the World.
I remember when your axe came.
I said to Mrs. Johnson,
"I hope he's not going to chop..."
No? Very well, Norval.
What's the alleged charge?
It being understood that we admit nothing.
- Trudy! What happened?
- I don't know, Mr. Rafferty.
Oh, Papa!
Never mind the "Oh, Papa." What happened?
- Oh, Papa!
- What happened?
- Everything.
- You go upstairs to bed.
- This ain't for 14-year-olds. Go on now.
- Piffle!
Will you get off my lap and get out of here?
She knows all about it, Papa.
She does, does she? How about
letting your old man in on some of the dirt?
Or am I being too snoopy?
You think it's wise?
He'll blab it all over town.
- Listen, ladder legs...
- It'll be all over town anyway, now.
- Even the secret?
- The secret? This is some secret.
Will you kindly keep your nose out of this?
It's already been established
the matter's not military!
I told you what you could expect
from that pickle...
You mustn't talk that way about him.
He was only trying his best.
- Imagine if he hadn't been really trying.
- Who signed what?
Who's Katzenjammer
and where does he tend bar?
- It was Norval. You wouldn't understand.
- Understand it?
You got the certificate? You didn't muff that.
- I haven't got it.
- What certificate?
Her marriage certificate.
Why didn't you get it?
- He pulled a gun and...
- Who pulled a gun, that Norval?
Don't try to understand.
Then all those policemen came,
and that's all.
- Who's got the certificate?
- I don't know. The justice, I guess.
- What certificate?
- Her marriage certificate.
- To Ratzkiwatzki.
- To Ratzkiwatzki? I told Jones to marry you.
She's already married, perfectly respectably,
to a gentleman called Ratzkiwatzki.
Only she can't prove it.
She hasn't got the certificate.
- So tonight I married him again.
- Just to get the certificate. See?
- No.
- You have to have a certificate.
- So she married Norval.
- She married Norval?
To prove I was married to Ratzkiwatzki.
But then he signed the wrong name and
now they've got him and we're in the soup.
- I'll shoot him!
- He didn't sign the wrong name on purpose.
- I'll shoot him anyway.
- The one you wanna shoot is Ratzkiwatzki.
- Isn't he Ratzkiwatzki?
- No, I married him a long time ago.
- When?
- The night I was out with Norval.
Can't you understand anything?
They can't agree on anything, Edmund.
Each one wants to put him in his own jail.
If they do, we won't be able
to find him again, let alone get him out.
- Have you got anything against him?
- Nothing except a good kick in the pants.
I'll tell you what you do.
You take him down
and lock him up in your jail...
and then they can draw lots
for him tomorrow.
Meantime, we'll sit the whole thing down.
It's perfectly ridiculous.
They've got 19 charges against that boy.
But he didn't do
any of those things, Mr. Johnson.
He didn't do any of that?
He did all that in the eyes of the law.
- Will you do that for me, Ed?
- All right.
And what you two ought to have
is good shellacking. Daughters. Phooey.
You're under arrest! Follow me.
- You can't do that!
- Quiet!
One more crack out of you guys
and I'll lock you all up!
- Come on, ox brains!
- Norval!
- Don't worry, Trudy.
- I'll be...
- I'll knit you something.
- You'll have lots of time.
Who asked you something? Put away
that gun before you shoot somebody!
Come on. You get back in the kitchen.
I ain't finished with you.
Shame on you, Norval Jones!
Shame on you! That'll teach you
to besmirch the name of our fair city.
- I'll take one of those.
- Me, too.
Go on home, folks. There you are.
Go on before I pinch some...
I wouldn't want this to go no further, see?
But you and your daughter
are in enough trouble...
without having to annul this marriage
and go through all that rigmarole.
- You get me?
- No. Go on home now!
I could've called the cops in
before the ceremony instead of after.
If I don't write it on the books,
it ain't a marriage, is it?
That's certainly
mighty white of you, brother.
That's all right. I may call on you someday.
Here's your $2. There was no marriage.
She was saved in the nick of time.
That's mighty white of you brother,
mighty white!
And here's the last evidence, the certificate.
Now you see it, now you don't.
- Not a trace.
- Thank you, brother!
Forget it. I might call on you someday.
- I wonder who else you could marry.
- Emmy! How can you be so heartless?
I'll love Norval to my dying day.
How could I even look at another man?
I think he's the most wonderful man
that ever lived.
Yes, but he's going to be in jail,
Trudy, for a long time.
He can't do you any good in stripes, honey.
You can't be so choosy.
Well, you fixed him...
and you certainly give us
a good name in the town.
You spend all your life behaving yourself...
then they find your daughter
in a lovely mess.
Don't take it that way, Papa.
"Don't take it that way, Papa."
Don't take it what way, Papa?
You're just a kid.
You can duck down the alleys.
Me, I gotta stand in the middle
of the street and take it...
from every rat in town.
I'm sorry, Papa.
You told me not to go out that night.
Yeah. I could be wrong, too, you know.
Why don't you come to me
if you're worried about something?
The trouble with kids is they
figure they're smarter than their parents.
Never stop to think if their old man
could get by for 50 years...
and feed them and clothe them,
he had something up here to get by with.
Things that seem like brain twisters to you
might be very simple for him.
Like this, for instance.
There's your $2.
You never got married tonight.
- You got nothing to worry about.
- What?
I got the guy to tear up the certificate.
Just a little politics.
If you'd have come to me in the first place...
You got the guy to tear up the certificate?
- No!
- What's the matter with you?
If nobody knows you're married
to this Katzenjammer...
and it was all by mistake, anyway...
with false names a corpse couldn't dig up...
why do you have to go
around proving things?
Why can't you be practical?
Shall we tell him or let him linger?
- Tell him what?
- I'm going to have a baby.
You're going to have a baby.
What do you mean,
you're going to have a baby?
I told you he'd blab it all over town!
- That's why we wanted the certificate.
- The one you got the guy to tear up.
The one I got the guy to tear up.
Did Norval know about this
when he asked you to marry him?
Yes, Papa.
So he gets charged with abduction,
imitating a soldier...
repairing the morals of a minor,
resisting arrest, perjury!
He'll be lucky if he gets life.
When your little surprise package happens,
he'll probably get some more.
You've got to let him escape.
Sure, and take my pension
right along with him...
that I've been working 17 years for,
and land in the hoosegow besides!
Couldn't you think of some bright way?
You always have bright ideas.
Listen, zipperpuss.
Someday, they're just gonna find
your hair ribbon and an axe someplace.
Nothing else.
The mystery of Morgan's Creek.
Papa, that's really not being very helpful.
Well, what do you want me to do,
learn to knit?
I'm going out for a walk.
Trudy told me what you done for her,
at least, what you tried to do.
- I didn't understand.
- That's all right.
I'd just as soon she hadn't told you, though.
The less people know about it,
the better it will be for her.
- It's too bad it had to turn out like this.
- I'll be all right.
What do you mean, you'll be all right? You
know what they got lined up against you?
What'd you have to take a minor
to a motel for anyway?
That's no place to take a minor.
I'm not even thinking about that.
I'm so worried about Trudy.
- Well, all she's worried about is you.
- Poor Trudy!
To think that I've got to be locked up
in here at the very time she needs me most.
If I could just get out of here for a while,
I bet you I could find that skunk.
I bet you I could.
I couldn't do it, Norval.
It would cost me my job.
- Why, if I conspired in any way to...
- I didn't mean that, Mr. Kockenlocker.
I wouldn't do anything
to get you in trouble...
just when Trudy needs you so much.
If you got out...
it would have to be without any help
from me in any shape or form whatsoever.
You'd have to do it all by yourself.
I wasn't even thinking
about anything like that.
Of course, if turn my back on you...
carelessly like...
and you happened to grab my blackjack...
and conk me over the dome with it...
that would be something else.
As if I'd do anything like that,
Mr. Kockenlocker.
Or if you made a sudden dive for me,
grabbed me around the neck...
spin me, hit me on the jaw.
And while I lie here helplessly, you beat it.
As if I'd do anything like that, either.
- How did you do in school?
- Who, me? Fine.
Is that so?
Kind of stuffy in here, ain't it?
- I hadn't noticed it.
- Yes, you had!
I'll go around the back
and open the window.
- It works from the outside. You get me?
- Yes, sir.
- Way around in the back.
- Thanks very much.
You get me?
Be careful, Mr. Kockenlocker!
It's a good thing you didn't
try to run away just now.
I forgot to lock the doors...
and it would take me five minutes
to get down out of this tree.
You get me?
Don't you worry, Mr. Kockenlocker.
I'll be right here.
Are you hurt, Mr. Kockenlocker?
I'm all right.
It just knocked the wind out of me.
Only, I ain't going to do any running
for the next hour or so...
not if you give me a million dollars.
You get me?
- Yes, sir.
- And my gun is way over there someplace.
I'm defenseless.
I'll go get it for you.
All right, you got me, pal! Don't shoot!
I know when I'm licked.
Just lock me in the jail.
- The key is in the door.
- No...
Shut up! I know you're going to escape,
but I can't help it.
I can't do anything about it.
My car is right down in front of my house...
and if you need any gas there's a can
with five gallons in my woodshed.
But you wouldn't take that from me,
would you, pal?
Of course I wouldn't, Mr. Kockenlocker.
Maybe I can make things clearer, Norval.
Jiggers! There's somebody in there!
You get back to bed!
- Papa, he isn't guilty of anything.
- Why isn't he in his cell?
How about keeping your trap shut?
He escaped.
Can't you see he's got me covered?
Don't shoot, Norval.
Papa! You don't think
they'll fire you, do you?
Of course they won't.
I just picked this gun up for him.
- I'm not going anyplace.
- All right, I give up.
See if you can do anything with him.
I want you to go away, Norval.
Don't you understand that, dear?
I couldn't bear to have you in trouble,
on top of everything else.
But that would only make
matters worse, Trudy.
They can't send me up for very long.
And, anyway, I'll be happy about it,
because I'll be doing it for you, Trudy.
Every day I'll think, well, this is for Trudy.
And as soon as I get out we'll straighten it
out somehow and we'll be married again.
But really, Trudy, for always and always.
You're just making me cry,
but you're not helping anything.
- Don't cry, Trudy!
- Norval!
What about that guy you were gonna find...
if you could just get out for a while?
That's right!
Maybe you can find Ratzkiwatzki.
Of course you can.
Anyway, it's worth trying.
Do you really think so?
If I really thought so,
I'd track him to the ends of the earth.
- Of course you can.
- But I haven't any car.
- Steal mine.
- It's insured.
- Shut up!
- If I was really sure it was for you, Trudy...
and not for selfish reasons,
I'd need a little money.
I've got $900 in the bank,
only, it's in bonds.
Would it be wrong if I took $900 in cash...
and left my bonds?
I've got a key at the house.
It might be wrong,
but it would be very handy.
All we needed was a little bank robbery.
- Will you get out of here?
- I'll be all right, Papa.
- Are you hurt?
- No, I'm all right.
Why don't you look where you're going?
I'll leave a note the minute I get through.
You have to be very careful with this.
You have to know exactly
what to do or else...
it'll set off the alarm.
- Can you do it?
- Yes.
Beat it!
Come on, Emmy.
- Goodbye, Norval.
- Goodbye, Trudy.
- Beat it, Norval.
- Norval, you've got to hurry! Goodbye.
Go on, Norval!
Tie me up, quick! Come on!
Around here. Tie it tight. Come on!
Yes, Papa. Here, Emmy. Swing him.
All right, not so hard!
What are you trying to do, strangle me?
All right, that's tight enough.
Now, a little clunk on the head.
Take the blackjack out of my pocket,
lock the door, beat it home, hide the keys.
- All right, Papa. Which side?
- Any side! Harder!
But not too hard! Harder.
How could that knock anybody out?
Is that all the harder you can hit?
Will you try to do one thing right?
- Here!
- Papa!
Papa, did we hurt you?
Wait a minute! Never mind the details.
Is the girl married or isn't she married?
It's a matter of state honor.
A matter of public weal!
I'm very sorry, Mr. Governor, but nobody
knows whether she's married or not.
She's got to be married,
that's all there is to it!
We can't have a thing like that
hanging over our fair state...
besmirching our fair name.
- Where is the father now?
- In jail.
What do you mean he's in jail?
Do you realize he's one of the most
famous men in the world?
- I thought you said he escaped.
- He did say he escaped.
Yes, but he came back
and got caught again.
- When?
- Yes.
It must have been around 6:00,
I guess, because Mr. Tuerck...
was still in the bank with the Christmas Club
and Mr. Rafferty was in his store.
It was closer to 7:00.
- They left about six months ago.
- Six months ago?
They left kind of hurriedly, right after
he was discharged by the town council.
Discharged? What for?
It had to do with the escape of a prisoner.
They didn't quite believe it.
- You mean me?
- I guess so, Norval.
But that's terrible!
I was just trying to help Trudy.
Looking for someone I never found.
But you wouldn't know
about that, or would you?
I don't know what you're talking about,
Anyway, now that I'm back and
ready to give myself up, I guess...
they'll take Mr. Kockenlocker back
on the job all right, won't they?
I hardly think so, Norval. Besides, you know
what Mr. Kockenlocker is like.
He didn't exactly take it lying down when
they fired him. He left on very bad terms.
They had to take six stitches
in Mr. Tuerck alone.
- Poor Trudy.
- Poor Mr. Tuerck.
It was ghastly.
You haven't asked my advice, Norval,
and it certainly isn't up to me...
to advise you to evade the law, but since
you were dragged into this situation...
and it's practically forgotten now anyway,
and the Kockenlockers have gone...
probably taken root someplace else.
They may have even changed their names.
- Why don't you do the same?
- I'm sure it would be wiser, Norval.
But I couldn't do that, Mrs. Johnson.
I've just got to find Trudy.
She must be in terrible trouble now.
I've given you my very best advice, Norval.
It's up to you to act
as your conscience dictates...
but if there were
that many charges pending over me...
you wouldn't see my coattail for the dust.
Even if they didn't press the Kockenlocker
charges, there's the uniform...
- the jail break, the bank robbery.
- Bank robbery? But I took my own money.
Norval, I'm so glad.
So am I, but that isn't exactly what
Mr. Tuerck allowed us to understand.
Holy mackerel!
Goodbye, Mrs. Johnson.
- Goodbye, Mr. Johnson.
- Goodbye, Norval.
Thank you. Goodbye.
Norval, wouldn't you like to take
some fruitcake with you?
No, thank you, Mrs. Johnson.
I'm afraid I couldn't swallow it.
- Merry Christmas, dear.
- Merry Christmas to you.
- Merry Christmas, Mr. And Mrs. Shottish.
- And a merry Christmas to you, Mr. Rafferty.
- Merry Christmas, Mr. Rafferty.
- Many happy returns.
- Hello, Mr. Rafferty.
- What are you doing here?
- Don't tell me! You're just in time.
- Do you know where Trudy is?
I know from nothing. Wait a minute.
I'm just going to see her.
You'll take them around a turkey.
You'll buy at the bakery a plum pudding.
Nothing gives so much indigestion,
at the same time so much pleasure...
like a plum pudding, except a fruitcake.
One time when I was a boy...
Good evening, Mr. Rafferty,
and you, Mr. Jones.
I wondered if you'd come back.
Anyway, we're going to have
a white Christmas.
Why don't you say something?
How about a little smile?
You've got to have more confidence
in the Almighty...
or whatever it is
that makes the wheels go round.
All right? It's almost Christmas.
Where was he born? In a cowshed.
You might be waiting
for the President of the United States.
You got to have more confidence.
Speaking of cowsheds, did you remember
to milk Bessie tonight, Papa?
Yes, I remembered
to milk Bessie tonight, Papa.
- Then what's she doing in the kitchen?
- What? Will you get out of here?
Come on, get out of here! Come on.
Poor Papa.
Hello, Mr. Rafferty.
- It's so good to see you.
- I've brought you a turkey.
- Hello, Mr. Rafferty.
- Trudy. Feeling good?
It's natural.
Thank you, Mr. Rafferty,
and for all your kindness.
I don't know where we would have been
without you.
What are you talking? It's a privilege.
The doctor will come from the next town,
then he'll go back to his town and forget it.
You got nothing to worry about.
It'll be as quiet as a buttered eagle.
Would you have a cup of tea, Mr. Rafferty?
- Thank you.
- Yes, sir.
How's Papa?
Fine, thank you. He's out with Bessie.
That Bessie, I remember her.
Never satisfied.
I brought Papa back his car.
But Norval had it.
You mean he came back? Where is he?
Why didn't he come out with you?
He didn't find anybody
while he was away, Trudy.
That's no reason for him
not to come out to see me.
He ought to know better than that,
when I've been waiting so long...
- so anxiously to see him.
- That ain't why he didn't come back.
- They caught him again. He's in jail.
- Mr. Rafferty!
Now, what good is this?
You've got something else to think about.
So he's in jail, so he'll get out someday.
All right. I'll go back to Morgan's Creek
and I'll tell them everything.
They'll have to drop the charges
when I tell them what he did and why.
What are you talking?
How about your reputation?
We spend six months planning,
fixing everything, building up a secret.
- Now you got to build it down, overnight?
- I've got to.
All right, you don't care about yourself.
How about your father?
Ain't he got enough trouble?
How about your sister?
How about me? How about...
Anyway, they wouldn't believe you.
They will when they see me.
Trudy, will you listen to...
What's the use? I love you for it.
You still have time to change your mind.
Why don't you, Trudy?
I'll get him out on bail, and...
Either we make an example of this man,
or we're opening the doors...
- and inviting crime in to dinner.
- Piffle.
It may be piffle in your book...
but I say that breaking and entering,
theft, perjury, impersonating a soldier...
impairing the morals of a minor,
jailbreak, with or without conspiracy...
et cetera, et cetera, are not piffle!
- Piffle.
- You say that once more, Johnson...
- and I'll...
- Piffle.
Gentlemen, please!
There's a great deal to be said
for both sides.
My daughter wants to see you.
- Right away.
- What are you doing in Morgan's Creek?
I warned you that if you ever showed
up in this town again...
- Yeah?
- Gentlemen, is this the Christmas spirit?
What is it that you want, Mr. Kockenlocker?
My daughter wants to tell you about
Norval, why he done what he done.
She says when you hear
what she has to say...
you'll never prosecute him.
- Impossible.
- You see?
Well, bring her up.
We must hear both sides, always.
That is strictly the bunk.
Women are always trying
to take the blame for men.
It's what you call a mother instinct.
You can listen to her, can't you, you dumb...
Or I'll take my business out of your bank
so quick it will make your hair sizzle.
Gentlemen. Bring her up.
I'm afraid you'll have to come down.
She don't feel very good.
Is that so? Well.
Yes. What about it, you dumb...
- Trudy! Trudy is...
- Trudy?
Well, what are you standing there?
Doctor! Come quick!
Some secret.
So they know. So what do they know?
Have you any statement to make?
Any little item of general interest?
- How would you like a punch in the nose?
- Mr. Kockenlocker!
Now, let me handle this.
- How much would it take to keep this quiet?
- Mr. Rafferty.
- It's a boy.
- A boy!
Trudy! That's wonderful! Mazel tov!
- Congratulations, Edmund.
- For what?
A boy is a boy.
No matter how you look at it, it's...
- Twins!
- Twins! That's wonderful!
- Why are you crying?
- Why are you laughing?
- Congratulations again, Edmund.
- Please be quiet.
Kindly remember this is a hospital.
- I'd like to get a few more facts.
- Will you get out of here?
Now, where have you been living
for the last six months?
Thank you very much. I have all I need.
I'll be getting back to the office.
If you don't mind,
I guess I'll stick around a minute or two.
Did she do that? My eyes ain't so good.
- Did she do what?
- That!
You don't suppose that...
- Whoopee!
- Everybody, just keep calm.
- Papa!
- Will you get off my neck?
Everybody keep calm!
How is she, Doctor?
Six! All boys!
You mean he's still in jail,
you dumb blockhead?
- Yes.
- Well, get him out.
But how can I, Mr. Governor,
with all those charges against him?
By dropping those charges, you dumb cluck.
You wealhead!
Now, get me that banker on the phone.
- His charter is cancelled!
- And the justice of the peace!
His license is revoked
and his motel is condemned.
Do you want the MPs and U.S. Men, too?
What have they got to do with it?
- That was a state guard uniform.
- I can see it from here.
As a matter of fact, he's a colonel in it.
- I'm bringing him his commission tomorrow.
- Retroactive as of last year.
Go out and get him a uniform.
There's only one thing more,
Mr. Governor, the marriage.
- What's the matter with her marriage?
- Yeah!
She's married to Norval Jones.
She always has been.
The guy married them, didn't he?
The boy signed his right name, didn't he?
But he gave his name as Ratzkiwatzki.
He was trying to say Jones. He stuttered.
What are you looking for,
needles in a haystack?
- Then how about the first Ratzkiwatzki?
- He's annulled.
- Who annulled him?
- The judge, who do you suppose?
- Retroactive.
- Get Judge Mendoza on the phone.
- I'm getting it.
- He's out of the picture.
- He was never in it.
- Get me those guys on the phone.
Who do they think they are, anyway?
Hello, Mendoza.
Fooling with the honor of our fair state!
- Hello, Mr. Kockenlocker.
- How's Trudy?
She's sleeping, but she'll see you
in a few minutes. Come on!
I wouldn't want to get you in wrong again.
Get me in wrong, I'm the chief!
Where have you been?
- Right here.
- Haven't you heard about...
About what?
- You mean she's had it?
- Has she had it?
You'd better come and see your wife.
- My wife? I'm not...
- Yes, you are, my boy!
You look so beautiful.
- Where did you get...
- I don't know. The Governor sent it.
- You look so beautiful.
- I love you.
Your father said...
I don't understand exactly how...
I don't understand a lot of things.
But I'm out of jail now...
and we're really married, Trudy.
For always and always.
I'm so happy.
I love you.
You're a papa now.
I feel like one, anyway.
You are one.
The papa gives love and protection.
I'll do the best I can, Trudy,
for always and always.
We'll have to pick out a name for it.
Was it a boy or a girl?
I'll find out.
I'm so happy.
Was it a boy or a girl?
The spots!
Emmy! Do something!