The Muppets' Wizard of Oz (2005) Movie Script

Wind blowing through my hair
Everybody telling me
there's nowhere like home
No, no
There's somewhere else for me
I need to take the opportunity and go
And go, yeah
'Cause 'round here it's all too far
And when I look up to the stars
I wanna be, I wanna be like they are
Oh, oh, oh
Sometimes you gotta get out of Kansas
And sometimes you gotta
take your chances
Find the answer
'Cause no one ever made it
just waiting around
For their big 15 minutes
in a two-bit town
And one thing I know is crystal clear
I gotta get out of here
A new sound, a whole new crowd
Why whisper,
when I want to sing out loud?
And let me hear you say,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"
I'm on land but I can fly
Something in my heart
saying I was meant to shine
Like a diamond in the sky
I wanna see my name in lights
And someone to buy the movie rights
I wanna hear my music come to life
Sometimes you gotta get out of Kansas
And sometimes
you gotta take your chances
Find the answer
'Cause no one ever made it
just waiting around
For their big 15 minutes
in a two-bit town
And one thing I know is crystal clear
I gotta get outta here
I gotta get outta here
I gotta get out of here
- (woman) Dorothy.
- I gotta get out of here.
Enough daydreaming, Dorothy.
You know, these ketchup bottles
ain't gonna refill themselves.
Sorry, Aunt Em. I just can't
stop thinking about my audition today.
So, how do I look?
You look like one of them girls
in one of them rap videos.
Order's up!
Uncle Henry,
what do you think of my outfit?
You look like
one of them girls in a rap video.
But we cannot allow you
to walk around the street dressed like that.
Dorothy's old enough to dress
the way she wants, don't you think?
Now, Em, don't get mad.
Baby? Uh-oh.
- There you go.
- It's three o'clock.
I've gotta go to my audition.
And this is what I'm wearing.
What? You can't leave.
- Hey, Early. Hey!
- Hey, Em.
I need you for the early-bird rush.
I know I'm leaving you short-handed,
Aunt Em, but this is big.
I mean, if they like me I could get out
of Kansas and become somebody.
If they like you?
See, that's your problem.
Look, now, you can roll out of here
in one of those stretch Hummers
and sing all around the world, but you
never gonna get to where you wanna be
- until you're happy with who you are.
- What?
You can go to your audition
after your shift is over.
- But I'm already gonna be late!
- (Uncle Henry whispers) Psst, Dorothy.
Over here. Come, come, come,
come, come, come, come.
- Nice to see you, Glen.
- (Uncle Henry) So that's it?
You're just gonna pass up an opportunity
to audition for the Muppets,
the most powerful puppets in Hollywood?
(Dorothy) You heard the wise one:
"You're not gonna where you're going
till you're where you're at. "
Well, you've been a great employee
at my diner for years now,
and it's time I repaid the favor.
So, go on to your audition.
- Thanks!
- Go on.
- Excuse me. Henry!
- Hey, baby.
- Henry!
- Remember what I said. Ten percent.
- I'm kidding.
- Henry! Where's she off to?
- Who?
- Who?
I don't see anybody,
I don't know who you're talking to.
Hey, have you ever seen
an African avocado?
They're orange,
but they taste just like peanut butter.
What? Guess what we're having
for dinner? A basketful of kisses, honey.
Oh, man!
Who put a gym shoe in the deep fryer?
Sir? Sir, hi.
I'm here for the audition.
I'm afraid auditions ended at four,
due to slim pickin's.
Please, I'm only five minutes late.
Oh, alas, I feel your pain.
But the Muppets have gone and
where they are now, heaven only knows.
(Kermit) OK, guys, if you gotta go, go.
Next stop, Nebraska.
Who'd have thought it would be so hard
to find an all-American girl with talent?
Yeah, how do the producers
of Girls Gone Wild do it?
Mr. Kermit! Miss Piggy!
Oh, great, a groupie.
Sorry, dear, no autographs.
Actually, I wanted to sing for you,
but if it's too late do you think maybe
you can listen to my demo?
- Oh, I...
- No time.
- We'll have to get your song off Napster.
- No, no, Piggy.
Sure, uh, gee... and you're a singer?
- Yeah.
- And you did this demo yourself?
- All by myself.
- Time to go!
- Listen, I will try to listen to your CD!
- OK, thanks for your time.
Why are you doing that?
I thought it would make
the moment more dramatic.
(man over radio) It's not looking pretty
out there tonight with strong gusts of wind
up to 90 miles an hour
through the Central Plain area.
- Don't forget the toilet paper.
- This just in.
The National Weather Bureau has raised
the twister alert from right-foot green,
to right-foot yellow.
Do you know what that means, folks?
All you people in Boomville and
Washedup should take extra precautions.
Baby, what took you so long?
Did you miss your bus?
You got what you wanted,
I'm still stuck here.
- You need to talk to your niece.
- You need to talk to your niece.
OK, I'll talk to her.
I'm just packing the box.
Toto, is this it for me?
Serving meatloaf to truckers
and living in a Kansas trailer park?
Now, I know you think show business
is all glitz and glamour, but it's not.
Well, that is true.
That is very, very true.
Hollywood is full of crime and flash fires,
earthquakes, paparazzi...
(imitates camera shutter)
- You know, it's not safe. Not like here.
- (thunder)
Look, I know you wanna leave,
but you still belong here
with your family and your friends.
- What friends?
- What friends? Come on.
Toto's your friend,
and um... uh, you got, uh...
- Toto's your friend.
- Toto's a prawn I rescued from the diner
because you won't let me have a dog.
Well, dogs are funky.
And they got fleas, OK?
Look, how about this?
When this blows over,
we will go to the Karaoke Bar and Buffet.
- Sing, girl!
- Don't you guys get it?
I don't want to sing karaoke
in some little Kansas restaurant.
I want an exciting life.
I want to go somewhere
where I can see a concert,
or take dance lessons,
or maybe even learn kabbalah.
- Kabbalah? Did she blaspheme?
- I don't think so, baby.
I wanna go somewhere
where I can be someone.
- Maybe even a star.
- OK, now,
do you wanna be a star or a singer?
Because they're not the same thing.
Well, all I know is that I hate living here
and I don't want to end up like you.
(warning siren)
Uh-oh. Well...
Hey, did you know
that in the Northern Hemisphere,
hurricanes, they twist counterclockwise,
but in the Southern Hemisphere
they twist clockwise?
I'd hate to be the guy that figured that out.
With the wind just blowing everything...
Well, that's the round.
Back to your corners.
I'm heading to the storm shelter
before this tornado hits and we all die.
Anybody care to join me?
Great. Now I'm stuck with these two
knuckleheads in the storm shelter.
Dorothy, come on!
- Henry, come on!
- Come on, I'll help you.
Come on, babe.
- Wait! I forgot Toto!
- No, it's just a shrimp!
He's not a shrimp, he's a king prawn!
Toto! Toto!
Sorry, Toto!
When I make it big, I'm gonna buy a nice
brick house that's anchored to the ground.
Toto! Come on, Toto!
Where are you?
- (Spanish accent) Hola!
- (both scream)
Porqu? What is it?
Why do we scream, OK?
- You're all big. And you're talking.
- S.
But more importantly, I am naked, OK.
- Wait! No!
- Huh? What?
- Here.
- Oh, no, no, no. He's not my type, OK.
- The clothes.
- OK. Oh, the clothes.
You want me to put on the clothes,
you just have to say, "Put on the clothes. "
- OK.
- (fabric ripping)
- Hm. Oh, it's a nice fit, OK?
- Yeah, it's kind of cute. I like how...
S, s.
- What am I doing?
- Hm?
- You can't be talking to me.
- Oh. Oh, but I am.
- I need some air.
- S, s.
I have this effect on all the womens, OK.
I'll come with you.
- Little help, please.
- Come on.
(both gasp)
(Toto) Dios mo! It's incredible.
They get satellite here.
Can't believe...
- Do you see what I see?
- Yeah.
- All the houses are so tiny.
- It's a small world, after all.
- Oh, my gosh. What?
- I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
(Dorothy) Oh, man!
- Where the?
- Wait!
For those of you who have
Dark Side of the Moon, press play...
Ay, Chihuahua!
No, wait. They're not Chihuahuas.
Ay, rats! Rats in hats!
Rats in hats, get it?
I am a poet and I didn't even realize
I had such capabilities.
OK. I work in a diner,
I know how to handle rats.
Rats? We ain't rats.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Coming through.
We're the Munchkins of Munchkinland.
The book, the book, the book!
Come on, come on, come on.
OK. And I quote:
"Rat: A long-tailed rodent,
especially one of the genus Rattus.
A cuddly, cute and clean creature
"who resides in the land of Oz. "
- Munchkins?
- Yeah.
- Sorry, but I know a rat when I see one.
- Whatever you say there, short stacks.
All I know is, thanks to you, the Wicked
Witch of the East is dead and we are free!
- (cheering)
- (woman) Free?
You're not free! Get over here
and get this tin can off me! Now!
Oh, my gosh, she's alive!
Quick, we gotta help her!
- (muttering)
- (woman) Please, help me up!
- Well, Munchkins, we're too late.
- Guys!
But no tears, she's in a better place.
(all) Yeah!
I'm gonna put you in a better place -
in my oven! You hear me?
Um... (giggles)
Could someone spot me?
Wow! This is a lot heavier than I...
Now she's dead!
(Toto) What is that?
Hey, look!
Even the twisters are Munchkin-sized.
Oh, that's no twister, that's her sister.
She's the sister of the witch
that you just crushed with a house.
Bonjour, Munchie-kins! (giggles)
Cuddles! Cuddles!
(kissing noises)
Each and every one of you!
My speed dating ended early,
so I thought I'd drop in for a cuddle
and a visit with
my wicked East-Coast sister.
Uh... Yeah, well, a funny thing
about the East-Coast sister.
Not so much funny as... uh... uh...
disturbing. Disturbing. Yes.
You see, this giant girl right over here
kinda squashed her to death
with a double-wide.
- What?
- Yeah.
Right here.
Excuse me, I just want you to know
that I've never met this giant girl
before in my entire life.
Sorry, Dorothy... um... Giant Girl.
It was an accident. I swear.
- Well, in that case, c'est la vie!
- La vie! La vie!
I drop things all the time myself.
Charmed to make your acquaintance.
I am Tattypoo,
the old and Good Witch of the North.
- But you're so young and beautiful.
- (giggles)
- Aren't you a cutie!
- (Munchkin) No, you are! You are!
So tell me,
what kind of magical abilities do you have?
Well, I don't have any magical abilities,
but I am a singer.
- I mean, I want to be a singer.
- (Toto) Mm, and she's very good, OK.
A singer? Really?
Oh, that's so funny! I'm a singer too.
Yes, my sisters and I were once
the hottest girl band in Oz.
But all that fame and fortune
left me feeling empty inside.
So I quit show biz
and committed my life to advancing rights
for the vertically challenged of Oz,
my little Munchie-wunchies.
- Aw!
- Cuddles!
Oh, yes!
(kissing noises)
Well, it's been nice meeting you and all,
but I should probably be on my way.
Anyone know how to get
to Kansas from here?
Never heard of it.
Is this Kansas a civilized country?
Well, if by civilized you mean flat,
boring and gray, yeah, it's civilized.
- Well, then, why do you want to go back?
- Yeah, why do we want to go back?
Well, because... Aunt Em and... Well...
I don't know what Kansas is,
but if you want to be a famous singer,
- you must see the wonderful Wizard of Oz.
- Yeah!
You have to wear my sister's shoes. Here.
You want me to wear shoes
off a nasty old witch? I don't think so.
Oh, but there's a powerful magic
connected to them.
And look how sparkly they are.
(continues laughing)
Listen, high pockets, here's how
things work in enchanted lands.
Shoes have magical powers.
If you have the shoes, you get the powers.
But if you're going to question every little
detail, the whole thing's gonna fall apart
- and we might as well call it a day, OK?
- (Munchkins) OK?
They're Manolos!
- Why didn't you say that?
- (chattering)
- Check the label.
- Yeah, they're good.
- I'll help you, OK.
- (all) Ooh!
Those are unbelievable, OK?
Wow! They fit perfectly! If the power
of these magic shoes is supposed
to make you feel confident and sexy,
then mission accomplished.
So, take me to meet your wizard.
To get to the wizard, just follow
this road of yellow brick to Emerald City.
It's in the exact center of our country.
Wait, I gotta walk
to the center of your country?
There's not, like,
a bus or something I can take?
- You wanna be a star or not?
- OK, OK, sorry.
Well, let's go.
- Oh, hold up there, Giant Girl.
- The name's Dorothy.
Well, Dorothy, we Munchkins
kinda owe ya for saving us and all.
You ever need a favor,
you just give us a holler, like so...
(blows pitch pipe)
Calling all Munchkins
Let's do lunchkins
- One for all
- And all for one
Calling all Munchkins
Munchkins, Munchkins, Munchkins
Take our call
You sing that
and we'll come a-scampering.
Uh, yeah, we'll be sure to do this, OK.
Let's go, Dorothy.
One more thing. (giggles) I don't know
why I didn't mention this before.
Whatever you do, avoid the west.
My other evil sister rules there,
and if she finds out
you have the silver shoes,
she'll hunt you down and pry them
off your cold, dead carcass.
- What?
- (giggles) Bye.
Why are you just now telling me this?
Come on, Dorothy. You're not getting
any younger, OK. Let's go get famous.
I don't know. That Witch of the West thing
sounds kind of dangerous.
Don't worry about it. You're going
to have to trust me, you know?
- I'm your agent, OK. I'm your agent.
- When did I make you my agent?
Well, since you're asking,
I thought possibly what we could do is...
- Come on, short stuff.
- (muffled talking)
(Dorothy) I wish you'd stop
with this whole agent thing.
Yes, yes, I know.
It's very awkward for you, OK.
But I think it's very important
that we discuss my commission.
So, it seems that 50 percent is easiest.
I think I liked it better
when you couldn't talk.
Well, you think about it, OK.
Take your time.
I'm gonna get some corn.
It's fresh on the cobs, OK.
- What are you doing?
- What?
You didn't by chance see that movie
The Passion, huh?
- No, so don't ruin the ending.
- No, that's not what...
- Personally, I liked The Birds.
- Figures.
- Hey, you got something in your eye.
- What?
- This! Yah! Yah! Yah!
- Hey, stop that!
- Hey, stop that!
- (laughs)
- Hey!
- Oh, this is the last straw!
- No, I see one right here.
- Stop that!
- Get our grubby beak off him!
- Huh?
(cuckoo clock chirping)
- You OK?
- Huh? What?
Oh, I'm fine. But lucky for that crow
you showed up when you did
'cause I was gonna come off
of these sticks and I was gonna...
I was... uh...
Yeah, thanks. I think I owe you one.
Name's Scarecrow.
I'm Dorothy. And that's Toto.
Mm-mm. Hola! Um...
- You got any butter?
- Oh, what the hey?
Go ahead and eat the corn.
Better you than the birds.
I'm the worst scarecrow ever,
but what can I do?
I'm tied to a job
I'm no good at... literally.
Well, if you ask me,
I think it's time for a career change.
No, no. I can't do that.
I'm not good at anything because...
(whispers)... I don't have a brain.
- You don't have a brain?
- Right.
- Why are you whispering?
- What?
Uh... well, I can't really
answer that because...
- I don't have a brain.
- Well, let's get you down from there.
Now why didn't I think of that?
Oh, right. No brain. Whoa!
- Oh, why, thank you, Dorothy.
- You're welcome, Scarecrow.
- This was me.
- Ugh!
What? What?
You can smell it?
You know, we're on our way
to meet the Wizard of Oz
and he's gonna make me
a superstar singer.
And if he can do that,
I bet he can give you a brain.
If I had a brain, I wouldn't be stupid.
And if I wasn't stupid,
I'd be able to do something important.
You know,
something that helps people's lives.
Well, how about it, then?
Will you come with us to Emerald City
to meet the wizard?
Emerald? You mean, it's green?
- You bet! I like it already.
- I can't believe.
- Thank you.
- I can't believe.
She's got to pick up every
Tom, Dick and Carlos on the road, OK.
- This is totally unacceptable, OK.
- These shoes are killing me.
Totally unacceptable. Come on, come on.
Quit busting my shell, OK.
My client is A-list now,
she deserves the A-list monies, OK.
Will you knock it off!
You're not an agent.
- And the cell phone isn't even real.
- What?
It's a candy dispenser.
Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back.
The diva's having a meltdown, OK.
- Ooh! Cinnamints.
- Hey, do you hear that?
- (engine)
- Sounds like it's coming from over there.
- "T-I-N."
- Wonder what that means.
Maybe, "trust in no one. "
It could be a sign.
Yeah, there's another sign:
"Danger. High Voltage. "
Wonder what that means? Hm.
- Look! Look at all the computers, OK.
- Yeah.
Is there somebody in that chair?
There's somebody in that chair!
Dios mo! He's twitching, he's twitching.
- Think he's stuck?
- You think he needs our help?
Do you think he could check my e-mails?
Maybe we should press this restart button.
(computers humming)
Hey! Hey.
Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh!
Welcome to the Total Intelligence Network.
"TIN" for short.
Wow, I must have froze up
trying to run too many programs.
What in the name
of all that is holy are you, OK?
Oh, I'm a Tin Thing. A fully-robotic
information-gathering device
for the Wicked Witch of the West, and
I can answer any question in the universe.
- Anything.
- I got one.
Why are the women so confusing, OK?
Let me process that. Huh!
It only seems that way
because men are so simple.
- Wow. He is a clever unit.
- Hm.
Yeah, you know, I'd give my stuffed foot
for half of your brains.
Take it from me,
brains don't make you happy.
I'm nothing but a brain,
thanks to the Wicked Witch.
- She made you like this?
- Did she ever!
When I was a young research assistant,
I made the mistake of asking for a vacation
so I could marry
the love of my life - Camilla.
(Toto) She's a chicken? Weirdo.
And the Wicked Witch got so angry
she waved her wand and ka-blowie!
Next thing I know,
I'm a walking, talking robotic... thing.
- That's terrible.
- Yeah, she could have just said no.
Yeah, but why did she
turn you into a robot?
- Because...
- (hollow knock)
...robots don't have hearts, and without
a heart, I couldn't love Camilla.
And without Camilla,
I could work day and night. (sighs)
Well, nice talking to you.
Back to work.
- Um, excuse me.
- Mm? Huh?
We're on our way to see the Wizard of Oz
and he's gonna make me a famous singer.
Yeah, and he's gonna give me a brain.
S, and he probably give me
lots of monies, OK.
And if he can do that,
I'm sure he can give you a heart.
Really? Well, I'm sure if I had a heart
I could win Camilla back.
- Yeah!
- Maybe I will go with you.
All right, well, let's go!
All right!
- Are you OK?
- Sure, I just forgot to untether. (laughs)
I don't get out much.
OK. Oh, where's my cell phone?
- OK.
- OK.
Let's go.
- Wait a second. That's your cell phone?
- Yeah.
Interesting. What do these do?
- (squeaking)
- Nothing. They're my nipples.
I feel dirty!
What a weirdo.
(animals yelping)
- This creepy forest goes on forever.
- (all) You can say that again.
Anyone know how much further?
My feet are killing me.
- I gotta sit down.
- (Toto) S, me too. Scoot over.
Oh, boy.
These shoes may be magical,
but they're not so comfortable.
S, they can put a trailer in Munchkinland
but they can't make a magic shoe
that's comfortable.
Go figure.
(log) Ouch!
This place is crazy. Even the logs talk.
- Uh, Dorothy?
- Yeah?
What is?
- What do you? Lion?
- Shrimp?
- No, prawn.
- Oh, prawn.
(both scream)
(continue screaming)
- (Lion) Get... off...
- OK.
- Oh!
- OK!
Get your paws off my prawn!
Please don't hit me.
Take anything you want.
Here, my wallet.
It's Velcro. Take it.
Well, look at you.
You're nothing but a big coward.
So are you going to eat me or not?
- Eat you? Why would we do that?
- Don't you work for...
She Who Must Not Be Named?
- Who?
- Oh!
You mean the Wicked Witch of the West?
No, we don't even like her.
B- b-b-because we love her so much!
Are you crazy? The Wicked Witch
of the West has spies everywhere.
The trees, the shrubs,
the owls, the bunnies.
Evil, savage bunnies.
(sinister laughter)
(Dorothy) You're king of the beasts.
If some critter gives you attitude,
all you gotta do is let out a big roar.
(both) Yeah.
But I don't want to scare anyone.
I just want to make people laugh.
Yeah. Kill 'em with comedy,
that's my motto.
I dream of one day being Oz's
greatest stand-up comedian.
Well, you ever play Emerald City?
I've never played, period.
I've got stage fright.
OK. Tell us a joke now.
There's no stage.
Yeah, go ahead.
- No, I can't...
- Come on.
OK. I can do this. Um...
Wacka, wacka, wacka!
Hey, there.
Thanks for coming tonight.
So, what's the deal with the wizard?
For someone so wonderful,
he certainly doesn't know how to...
S- s-sorry. Performance anxiety.
(gasps for air)
Hey, you know, we're on our way
to Emerald City
- to ask the wizard for some help.
- Mm-hm?
- Maybe he can give you some courage.
- Courage?
Gosh, that sounds... scary.
Oh, don't worry. It'll be OK.
Yeah, I mean, so you're not so brave.
I'm not so smart.
And I'm so empty inside I could cry.
- S, and I'm so gosh-darn sexy, it hurts.
- See, we all have our issues.
- But we're working 'em out... together.
- Yeah.
Right. I mean, what are friends for?
Where my brain should be
There's a cavity
Where most folks have hearts
I've got old spare parts
Now I'm on my own
In the great unknown
And it's more than one person can bear
- Bear?
- Ah! Where?
Well, now I've got
some smart new partners
Who can help me think things through
Folks say I'm just a hick on a stick
- Well, that may be true
- S, it's true.
But when my stuffing's not enough
I know just what I should do-la-dee-doo
See, I don't miss the brains I'm missing
When I'm with you
I used to be romance compatible
I wrote sonnets and waltzes and more
But now that my heart is mechanical
It only beats four-on-the-floor
- (Tin Thing makes drumming noise)
- (Lion) Oh, nice!
But you've got friends
to stand beside you
And we'll reboot your old CPU
Wow! I don't miss the heart I'm missing
When I'm with you
I wish my stage fright weren't so terrible
My jokes never garner a roar
With us you can try new material
You see, that's what friends are for
Now you can sleep without a night-light
And forget every...
Creak, bang and boo!
Hey! I don't miss the spine I'm missing
- When I'm with you
- Still we've got something great together
So let's all get up and go
We'll overachieve
Wear our hearts on our sleeves
Get on with the show
Now we are in the right direction
And I see all our dreams coming true
Yes, anything is possible
When I'm with you
- I'm just so sexy!
- Wow, a shrimp that shimmies!
- Our act's unfloppable
- Troubles are hoppable
- It's all so logical
- We'll be unstoppable
- Cashmere is washable
- Anything is possible
When I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with...
- Great!
- Let's go!
- (Dorothy) Come on, guys.
- (Toto) Let's get rich, come on!
(Tin Thing) Come on, Dorothy!
It's dark.
Anybody got a night-light?
(all gasp)
Just to let you know,
nothing scares me more than heights.
(Tin Thing) There's a pair of vicious
Kalidah Critics. Very rare in these parts.
Those monstrous beasts
just love to rip performers to shreds.
Really? How?
They do it with their... (gulps)
So, all we gotta do is ignore their words
and keep our balance
all the way to other side.
- That's right.
- What?
What are you?
- You're going to cross?
- Follow me.
- Dorothy, don't.
- You're going to cross?
- (critic) You're gonna fall off!
- You're gonna fall!
- You're gonna fall!
- It's a long way down!
Hey, that's Dorothy Gale,
the new overnight sensation.
She's really killing 'em in Munchkinland.
Just ask the Wicked Witch of the East.
I hear she's really
bringing down the houses.
(Tin Thing) Shut up!
Dorothy. Concentrate, Dorothy.
- She made it!
- Whoo!
All right, let's go.
- You go first.
- OK. You go next.
- (critic) I hear it's lonely at the top.
- (critic #2) Yeah.
Wait till he hits the bottom.
- I did it, OK. That was easy for me.
- (Tin Thing) That's it, that's it.
One thing's for sure
about playing the Kalidah Bridge.
You're sure to make a big splash!
It's not that far down, anyway.
We made it! We made it!
- OK, come on there, Lion.
- Come on, Lion.
- Nice log.
- (critic) Be careful, it's slippery up there!
Ooh, I feel a wind coming on!
- Oh, there's Lion.
- He thinks he's a comedian.
Yeah, but his jokes bomb so badly,
the army tried to put a fuse on him!
Whoa, whoa!
You know, there are two reasons
why I don't like Lion's jokes.
- What are they?
- My ears.
I can't do it. I can't do it!
I can't do it, guys. I can't move!
Ignore them. What they're saying
has nothing to do with you.
What? Unless there's another lion up here
on this log, I think they're talking to me.
I just think he needs a little help.
I'm going up.
- Be careful.
- Come on.
- (critic) Yeah, your jokes are no good!
- (critic #2) You're not funny!
Pay no attention to your critics.
It's gonna be one step at a time, OK?
Now take my hand.
Put your tail down.
Calm yourself.
Now take my hand, come on.
That's it.
Now we're just gonna walk off.
- Come on. We're just walking.
- Hang on!
- That's it. Steady.
- You can do it! You can do it!
You're all right.
Come on, you've got it.
You've got it. Yes!
Oh, thank you, Tin Thing.
- Come on, guys.
- Let's go.
Go on, get out of here!
Yeah, you'll still never make it
to where you're going.
Good work, Lion.
Wasn't he great, guys?
- He sure was.
- I don't know.
Hey, what's that, guys?
"Poppyfields. " What's that?
Poppyfields? Well, it's only
the coolest club in Oz, baby.
This day has been kind of crazy.
It wouldn't hurt to stop and have a little fun.
A little fun?
Get ready to have the time of your life, girl.
Come on, Dorothy. Let's get inside
before this place is no longer cool.
Yeah. After you.
( funky jazz)
All right now, y'all follow me.
I'll put you in the best seats in the house.
Sounds great!
Nap time
You know, I can't wait till I get a brain
so I can understand
what's fun about hanging out
at trendy nightclubs.
Yeah. What's the deal
with all these poppies anyway?
Whoa. Wait, here comes a fact.
According to my database, the poppy
has a powerful sleep-inducing effect.
Sleep-inducing effect? Oh, that's silly.
How could a little flower?
- (Tin Thing) Lion?
- (Scarecrow) Lion, are you OK?
- Lion?
- Is he all right?
He's fine. You know what?
We don't need to go to Emerald City.
We should just stay here at Poppyfields,
where it's so... relaxing.
- Dorothy!
- Dorothy!
Dorothy, wake up.
Dorothy! Lion!
Why won't they wake up?
- Why won't they wake up?
- I don't know!
You know, the bathrooms here
are so comfortable, OK.
It's the poppies. Come on, let's get Toto
out of here and then we can figure out
- what to do about Dorothy and Lion.
- OK.
Come on. You grab that arm right there.
Nap time.
Ooh, I'm so sleepy, OK.
If something happens to Dorothy, I don't
think I'll ever be able to forgive myself.
I know, but we can't carry them
out of there. We have to think.
- Oh, rats! I'm no good at thinking.
- Whoo, rats! Rats in hats.
- What?
- They said they could... help us.
Wait! How? How?
- By singing the song.
- What?
You know, it goes...
- Wait! Sing the song!
- How does the song go?
Calling all Munchkins
- Let's do lunchkins
- Yeah?
All for one and one for all
Come on...
- Come on, finish it!
- Come on, come on!
... Munchkins take our...
What? What?
... call
Somebody page me?
Dorothy's in trouble.
Poppy exposure.
Poppies? Rats!
Munchkins, fall in!
We've got a girl to save.
(all) Sir, yes, sir!
Sergeant Bubba.
Company, heel!
Nice. All right, troops,
Operation Gingham's a go!
Nap time
(Munchkins chant) Hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.
(all sing muffled military cadence)
Nap time
Oh, Dorothy, please don't be hurt.
Wake up!
OK, out of the way, peoples.
Out of the way.
It's time for Toto to give
the mouth-to-mouth.
I'll get the Dorothy, you get the lion, OK.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
I have a better idea.
- And clear!
- (beeping and buzzing)
I'm up.
I'm totally up!
- All right, she's alive.
- What happened?
Well, it's lucky for you
the Munchkins showed up.
Thanks. I don't know what came over me.
I'd say about maybe
20,000 volts there, Medusa.
Oh, big cat waking up, boys. Time to go.
Good luck in Emerald City, Giant Girl.
(smacks lips)
What'd I miss?
(Lion screams)
Very funny, guys. Next time you could
at least tell me about my...
(Tin Thing) Emerald City!
Look at it!
- It's so beautiful!
- And yet so terrifying all at the same time.
- Well, this is the place.
- Whoa!
We made it, Dorothy.
Your dream's about to come true.
OK, we agree now -
what happens in Emerald City
stays in Emerald City, OK.
(door opening)
- Can I help you?
- Hi.
I'm Dorothy Gale, and we traveled
all the way across Oz to see the wizard.
Dorothy Gale. Hm...
Nope. Not on the list.
Are you sure? Check again.
And who are you?
- We're friends of Dorothy.
- Right.
Well, she's not on the list, so go away.
Hold on a minute, big bird.
Come here. Listen, listen.
- (guard) Huh.
- (whispering)
Mm-hm. Oh!
Flattened by a double-wide?
Oh! Oh! Oh!
We don't want any trouble. Um...
Oh, there's just been a cancellation.
You may go in.
- Oh, great!
- (guard) Door!
Weirdoes... (muffled whispering)
Gale... (muffled whispering)
Double-wide... (clears throat)
They're all yours, sir.
- Hello!
- Wait. You're the Wizard of Oz?
Oh, no. I'm not the wizard, I'm Scooter.
First assistant to the big man.
Welcome, Dorothy.
Why, we've heard a lot about you.
- You're all anyone's talking about.
- Ah!
- Really?
- Great! That's terrific!
Yeah, but before the wizard
can turn you into an overnight sensation,
there are certain precautions
that have to be taken.
- Precautions?
- Yup. Follow me. Come on.
- Let's go.
- Follow him.
OK, here we are. Come on in.
Oh, welcome to Emerald City,
where the place is so bright,
you've got to wear shades or your eyeballs
will fry like a couple of eggs.
This spotlight here
duplicates the brilliance of the wizard
- and his radiant wonderfulness.
- Radiant wonderfulness.
As you can see, thanks to my patented
lenses, Beaker's retinas remain uncooked.
And they will still protect his eyes
even when the intensity is doubled.
(meeps and yelps)
Good grief!
(scientist) OK, give me the glasses.
(all gasp)
So, do we get to see the wizard now?
Oh, well, if you want to be
the next big thing,
you've got to look the part.
Welcome to Emerald City's
Magical Makeover Machine.
Oh, wow.
- You want me to go in there?
- Absolutely.
- No way, you just fried that guy's head off.
- (whimpering)
Well, you can't go
see the wizard looking like that.
- I mean, what is that, a tablecloth?
- Check.
(all stop laughing)
Fine. I'll get in your makeover machine.
She's in.
(Dorothy) Hey! What is that?
- This is cool. I can work with this.
- Look! You've been reborn!
- Correction, you've been Osbourne!
- (Scooter laughs)
- Good one.
- So, what do you guys think?
- Uh, well... It's really nice.
- It's nice.
- Different.
- S, s.
But you know, this is the Kelly Osbourne
thing I think that you're doing,
but I think we all thought you were going
for more of the hot and sexy Ashanti thing.
- Ashanti.
- Ashanti, yeah.
Fine. I'll get back in your stupid machine.
(wolf whistle)
- Now you're talking, baby!
- Beautiful!
- What do you think?
- Oh, my!
She's ready to see the wizard now.
Come on! Follow me! Come on!
- All right.
- OK. Walk this way. Come on.
- Fabulous.
- Wow.
(man) Who are those
who seek an audience
with the all-powerful Wizard of Oz?
First, bring in the lion.
- The lion?
- Wait. Stop. Hold on.
Wait, wait, wait! You heard him, Lion.
You gotta go in first now.
It's gonna be OK.
It's gonna be OK.
A wave of relaxation
is flowing throughout your body.
A feeling of peace and...
Don't wet the floor! Don't wet the floor!
- Scooter, is there a bathroom?
- (door locks and Lion wails)
(Lion gasps)
I am Oz, the great and terrible.
Who are you, and why do you seek me?
I... I...
I wanna be a stand-up comedian.
- Really?
- Yes, sir.
Well, then, tell me a joke.
No, I-I-I can't do that. I... I...
I have stage fright.
I kind of lack courage in general, actually.
- Tell me a joke now!
- (screams)
Why did the Wicked Witch throw a clock
out the window to see time fly?
No, wait. Stop. I mean, when the witch
had a clock and she threw it...
(screams) Wacka, wacka!
I am Oz, the great and terrible.
- What do you want?
- (whimpers)
Hi, there, Mr. Oz. Um...
Are you, by chance,
any relation to Frank Oz?
I'll, uh, I'll take that as a no. Uh...
Well, I'm here because I wanna
ask you for a... I, uh...
- Hurry up, brainless.
- Oh! Oh!
Yes, yes. A brain.
That's right, a brain.
I'd really love to have a brain. Uh...
For my head.
You know, the old noggin.
You're fired.
Well, hello.
What is it you're looking for,
tin, dark and handsome?
- Actually, I'm here looking for a heart.
- Oh, a heart.
Are you sure there isn't
anything else I can do you for?
No, no, no. You see,
I already have a girlfriend.
- She's a chicken.
- Oh, a chicken, eh?
- Well, does she have a big beak like this?
- How did you know?
And does she have
huge floppy wings like this?
Look at the size of those wings.
No, no, no, no, no. I'm not here for that.
Um... uh...
- I've just come here to get a heart...
- (clucking)
Whoo! Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
That's it!
What are you doing with my fri? Whoa.
What? No hello? Ooh!
Aren't you the little girl
who wanted to be a big star?
Yeah. I heard that
you were all-great and powerful,
and I came all this way
and I was kind of sort of hoping...
Let's just cut to the chase.
I am prepared to give you
all your heart desires -
fame, hit records,
and a tabloid story linking you romantically
to the famous person of your choice.
Really? Oh, God.
So, what do I gotta do?
Oh, nothing, really.
Just bring me the Wicked Witch
of the West's magic eye!
Eye, eye...
I'm sorry, the what?
The Wicked Witch of the West's
magic eye!
OK, the Wicked Witch of the West
has this magic eye
that gives her the power to see all in Oz.
If you cross the mountains of death,
remove her eye and bring it back to me,
your wildest dreams shall come true.
- What about my friends?
- Brains, hearts, courage - done!
If you bring me the eye.
Jeez, you need anything else
while we're there? A kidney or...
That's the deal on the table.
Now be gone from my sight!
Ooh. Ooh.
Uh... (clears throat)
This is embarrassing.
Would you mind, um...
- In there?
- Yeah.
If you wouldn't mind.
I guess.
Excuse me. Are you busy?
I thought she'd never leave, OK.
So for me, I would like a date
with JLo, of course.
Nothing too serious. Maybe a little
something between marriages.
(banging and screaming)
- Do you guys hear something?
- Santa Maria!
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, gracias, gracias.
Hey, good news, everyone. The wizard
is going to grant all our wishes, OK!
- Yes!
- Yes!
- Yes, that's great!
- I think I should tell 'em...
And all we have to do
is cross the mountains of death,
poke out the Wicked Witch's eye
and give it to the wizard!
It could happen.
Stupid wizard. Make us climb the
stupid mountains to find the stupid witch.
Yeah! And I was very clear
about being a cowardly lion.
I didn't know I'd have to do something
like this to become a famous singer.
I'm starting to think maybe being a star
isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Wait a second. Dorothy, you know
you'll always be a star with us, right?
Thanks. I never thought
I'd say it, Scarecrow,
but Kansas never looked so good.
- I miss home. I miss my family.
- (sobbing)
OK, OK. Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, OK.
I live in a stinking algae-covered
fishbowl in a trailer park, OK.
We're going to poke the witch in the eye.
End of story.
Wah, wah, wah. Poor me, poor me.
You guys are pathetic, OK.
Let's talk about something else, OK?
'Cause there's an amazing coincidence
happening here.
It's incredible, really.
When you think about it, it blows the mind.
Kansas - '80s band. Toto - '80s band.
We're on a " Journey" - '80s band.
(witch) What have we here? Intruders?
... '80s band. Oh, and when we see
the witch - "Wham!" '80s band, OK.
(witch) And what's this?
I can't believe my own evil eye!
How did she get the silver shoes?
I'm next in line to have 'em.
Stupid dog. Sal, you gotta be kidding me.
You're not done yet?
I'm sorry.
Why can't we just use regular water?
All you need to know
is that the witch's delicate diva pigskin
can only handle the nice bottled stuff.
And, confidentially, it ain't helping her.
- OK.
- (laughter)
- (barking)
- (sighs)
Oh, hiya, sweetheart.
I just finished your bottled-water bath.
Cancel it. Change of plans.
I've just discovered some new talent
and it's right in our own backyard.
Isn't that right, poo-poo kiss?
That's wonderful. Hey, maybe
you two could sing a duet. Hm?
- A do what?
- A do what?
What are you talking about, duets?
She flies solo, Sal. Right, sugar patch?
If I want those silver shoes, I'll have to
pry 'em off her cold, dead carcass.
What's that? You want one of
her bones when I'm done with her?
Oh, yes, of course, dear. Yes!
Bring me the magic silver whistle.
The man-eating wolves are going
to have an early supper tonight.
Pardon me, please. Yeah. The, uh...
the man-eating wolves are on a, um...
ski vacation.
Well, then bring me
the magic trumpet of death.
I will send in the crows of despair instead.
The crows of despair are at a wedding.
- Yeah.
- Huh?
- Angry bees?
- Stomach flu.
- Vicious squirrels?
- It's nut season.
- Blood-thirsty cockatoos?
- Religious holiday.
All right. Bring me
my enchanted biker cap... again!
Round up the flying monkeys.
There's only room for one diva in Oz,
and that's moi!
(hums dramatic music)
(clears throat)
All right, guys, quit shoving.
Front and center.
The flying monkeys are ready to go, boss.
Fabulous. I want the girl caught and
captured. If she resists... destroy her.
- Really? Knock off a girl?
- (witch laughs)
I- I-I'm sorry.
What do you see on my head?
(all) Enchanted biker cap.
And what does it mean?
Your wish is our command.
Good. And gas up my ride, too. I wanna
make sure you knot-heads don't screw up.
All right, you mugs. Come on, let's go!
(monkeys hum
"The Ride of the Valkyries")
The witch!
Slow down, slow down,
slow down, slow down!
Back it up.
Well, well, well. Looks like someone
forgot to take out the trash.
Trash? Pretty big talk
coming from a hog on a hog.
Ha ha ha. Oh, so clever. Such wit.
I know your type, missy.
You sweet young things
come in with stars in your eyes,
ready to show the world what you've got.
Well, now it's time
to clear the stage for the real talent,
'cause the diva gig's a killer...
and so am I.
Hey, you can't talk to my friend like that.
Oh, yeah?
And who's gonna stop me?
- He will.
- Uh...
- It never really worked on the crows either.
- Capture the girl and the fur ball.
I'm in the mood for lion nuggets.
As for the others - shred 'em to pieces.
- But why? They've done nothing to you.
- Why, you ask? Why?
I'll tell you why, in a song.
Hit it!
- Nice digs.
- You're late!
You know, like, not everyone
has groovyy flying motorbikes, OK?
Not my problem.
Yeah, we've been driving
the same lousy bus since 1978.
- We'll talk about it later!
- I...
- Get, get, get!
- Sorry!
(yelling and crashing)
- Ready!
- Hit it!
Maybe I need to spell it out, Dorothy Gale
This is my show, sorry, you fail
There's only room
for one rock goddess in Oz
You've lost your bloom,
poor thing, already a "was"
Pay attention, listen to moi
This TV special is mine, comme a?
So you can leave
the silver shoes at the door
- 'Cause the diva's got the floor
- Look out!
The witch is in the house
- The witch is in the house
- The witch is in the house
She's hot, the witch is in the house
This is my scene, this is my set
I may be gorgeous
but I'm bad as they get
She's hot
You better run
'cause you ain't seen nothing yet
Watch out
The witch is in the house
Remember, missy, the eye sees all
Time to get down
on your knees and crawl
You better stop
You're gonna scream and shout
'Cause mama's gonna knock you out
The witch is in the house
- The crazy, kooky house
- The witch is in the house
The witch is in the house
I don't forgive, I never forget
Think you can drop
another house on my head?
You're gonna wish
that you were already dead
Watch out
The witch is in the house
On a good day
I'll have you begging for mercy
Mercy me
And let me tell ya, when she comes home
at night... Oh, excuse me.
On a bad day
I'll make you wish you were never born
As I insult your wardrobe,
causing you such pain and humiliation
That you scream
from the depth of your soul
- As your eyes roll back into your head
- Eyes!
And your toenails carve grooves
into my Italian marble floor
- Marble!
- (laughs)
- But I digress.
- Digress.
Two, three, four! Get 'em, boys!
Come to Papa.
I'll stop 'em.
(monkeys) Eye, eye, eye, eye, eye
The eye, oh, no
The eye, eye, eye, eye
The eye sees all
The eye, eye, eye, eye
Here comes the eye
The witch is in the house
The witch is in the house
- Eye, eye, eye, eye
- The witch is in the house
(witch) Now give it up,
I'm taking the shoes
Audition's over and this time you lose
Look for all the gory details
on the ten o'clock news
Watch out
The witch is in the house
Watch out!
The witch is in the house.
(revs engine)
(tires screech)
(Toto) Hey! I can't see!
I'm going to hyperventilate, OK.
I can't even see, OK.
I'm going to hyperventilate.
Whoo-hoo! Nice meeting ya, fellas!
Too bad you went to pieces on us!
Sal, let's go, let's go.
Come on. Time is money, huh?
We're on the air in three, two...
Bonjour! Witch of the West
coming at you from my lair of evil.
Good news, fans.
In order to keep up with the Joneses,
I've decided to lend my talent
to reality television.
Today, you'll see me do my hair,
take my daily bottled-water bath,
and as an added bonus...
I'll try on some awesome footwear
that will help me totally rule all of Oz.
- I'm never giving you my shoes, Witch!
- We'll see about that, won't we?
Why me?
I don't have the magic shoes! Why me?
So, Dorothy,
any last words
before suffering the agony of "de-feat"?
Wait, wait! Hold that!
Wait, that's a great pun, honey.
(Toto screams)
Ow! Ow!
- Why are you poking me?
- We're tenderizing you so you taste better!
- Oh, well, then...
- (laughter)
- He screamed good that time.
- Are you sure you want to eat me?
After all, I am a stand-up comic.
- So?
- So?
You should never eat the comedian.
They taste funny.
- Was that supposed to be a joke?
- Yes.
But seriously, it must be tough
being a flying monkey, right?
Hey, you know why your motorbikes
won't stand up on their own?
They're two-tired! Wacka, wacka!
The motorbike has two tires!
Two tires! (laughs)
It's funny on many levels.
Before I die, just once, I want to hear
a woman say she loves me, OK?
Oh, Toto.
That's so sweet. Of course I love you.
Look, Dorothy, I'm flattered, OK.
But I can't commit myself to just one
womens, OK. I hope we can still be friends.
- But you just told me to tell you...
- S, s, s.
I know you're feeling hurt.
I understand.
But time and a razor-sharp blade
cutting into your leg
will help you forget all about me, OK.
Oh, the womens. Oh, the razor blades.
- Who here likes comedy magic tricks?
- Oh, I do!
I will need some keys.
Like those used to open cages.
Who's got the keys?
Sweetums has the keys.
Will these keys do
for your comedy magic act?
- Ah, they're perfect! Thank you!
- You're welcome.
OK, now everybody close your eyes
and put your hands on the floor.
Now, say the magic words,
"owah tafoo lyam," four times.
(all) Owah tafoo lyam.
Owah tafoo lyam.
Owah tafoo lyam.
Owah tafoo lyam.
- He's gone!
- He's gone!
- That's comedy and magic!
- Yeah!
OK, big dramatic ending, babe.
Here it comes.
Wait for it.
- Hey, what are you doing, Johnny?
- Hm? Oh, I just got this jacket cleaned.
- I'll save you!
- Lion!
- Whoa!
- Oh, gosh.
- Don't just stand there, get him!
- I am getting him.
In a nice wide shot
with you in the foreground.
Oh, good. Nice.
Hi, Mom!
Excuse me, could I trouble you
to kill someone for me?
- OK. (growls)
- Thank you.
Calling all Munchkins,
let's do lunchkins, uh...
Come on, come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on come on.
- What took you so long?
- (Lion) Oh, ow! Oh!
It's hot. Let's get this.
- That tickled. Take that.
- You're ticklish?
- The big lug's ticklish!
- (laughs and groans)
Tickle, tickle, tickle!
All right, Alpha Team,
Crustacean emancipation.
Delta Team, come with me.
Disengage Dorothy.
All right, team leaders,
isolate and secure these silver shoes.
(witch) No!
- You know, you're a pest.
- Munchkin, actually.
And you know what I do to pests?
Well, you welcome us as part of
an unconventional multispecies family?
I kill pests!
Until they're dead!
Check it out.
Your little show's about to be canceled.
All right, Gale.
This ends now, once and for all.
- Bring it!
- Let's go!
- It's on!
- I'm ready!
- Come with it.
- I...
I'm out. Let's just fight now. Hiiii...
Uh-oh. Somebody's gonna get
witch-slapped. We're outta here, boys.
And then, just as Dorothy and the Wicked
Witch charge at each other... Bam!
Blowout fight scene.
The gals whip out
these huge samurai swords,
and they just tear it up.
- I'm talking kung fu!
- (whimpers)
I'm talking walking on walls!
I'm talking explosions everywhere!
- (explosions)
- (whimpers)
I'm talking Oz in flames!
Burn, baby, burn!
- You digging it?
- Uh... Yeah...
That sounds a bit violent for a family film.
OK. Cool, cool. OK.
We pull back on the fight scene.
- No explosions, no "burn, baby, burn. "
- Mm-hm.
- All right, you know, less kung fu.
- Yeah, yeah.
But instead, what we have - are you ready?
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- Morphing.
- Morphing?
Morphing. Crazy morphing!
We're talking Piggy
transforming into Gonzo.
Mutating into Scooter.
Scooter turning into
a big, busty vampire vixen
who explodes in a sea of crimson blood!
All done in the classic Japanese
anime style, you know, like, for the kids.
I... yeah. Sounds... expensive.
OK, OK. Uh...
Think, think, think, think, think,
think, think, think, think, think.
I can work with this, don't worry.
Think, think...
I got it.
Dorothy - big, bad Dorothy -
goes to kick the Wicked Witch...
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
- You ready for this? Here it comes!
- Yes, yes! the face!
- Oh, now, that we can afford!
- Yes!
Hii-ya to you, too!
That all you got?
A bottled-water bath?
What's next, a deadly pedicure?
Why am I itching?
What kind of water is this?
Oh. Oh, I...
We most definitely filled it up
with bottled water. Ain't that right, Sal?
Oh, yeah. Right, Johnny.
100 percent. Ain't that right, Angel Marie?
Oh, uh... well, when we ran out of
that stuff, I topped her off with a hose.
What? I told you to use only bottled water!
- Oh, no!
- Oopsy.
- What a horrible way to...
- My bad.
I'm not melting. I'm getting skinny!
Oh! I'm getting skinny!
(singsong) Ha ha ha ha ha!
I win! I win!
Oh, nuts.
- Should I cut?
- What? What?
Yeah, cut. Whoa! Hey!
Fabulous performance, darling.
Fabulous! That's incredible!
What a performance.
Unbelievable, ba... by.
No, sugar patch, how could it be?
You were deathly allergic to tap water!
- I don't think she can hear you, Johnny...
- I know she can't hear me!
- (sobbing)
- (dog barking)
No, no, baby. Don't look.
D- d-d-don't look. Don't look.
- Mama melted.
- What?
We must be strong.
Go to your happy place,
you rotten little dog.
- What does she got there?
- Got it!
Her magic eye!
- What happened?
- (Toto) Oh.
The witch is no longer in the house, OK?
She is down the drain. We melted her.
Wait, why are you guys hugging me?
You're her vile henchmen.
Vile? No.
We were just a gentle band
of motorcycle enthusiasts
until the witch put us under an evil spell
and enslaved us with her...
her enchanted biker cap.
(all gasp) Enchanted biker cap!
Since you wasted her,
this hat rightfully belongs to you.
Give her the hat. And now,
we must obey any order you give us!
Yeah, like, you can have everyone
spank me and call me names!
Or not.
First, we need to pick up
some friends of mine.
(all) Yeah!
OK, here's how we get out of this place.
Quick, get me a soldering iron,
a jar of flux and some corn chips.
Oh, no! Flying monkeys!
Roll away, roll away!
- (screams)
- (motorcycle engine)
Oh, Dorothy! Dorothy!
Thank goodness!
You guys didn't think
I'd forget you, did you?
- No, but what happened?
- Yeah!
- It would take too long to explain.
- No, no, no. I explain, I explain.
What happened was,
the witch, she decided...
Flying monkeys, put 'em back together.
(Scarecrow) Oh, great.
(metal clanking and motors whirring)
- (buzzing)
- (Scarecrow) Ouch.
Hey, easy. OK...
- Thank you.
- (Scarecrow) You're all backwards.
Gee, I can see my rear end!
- I must be working out, huh?
- (laughter)
Flying monkeys, take us to Emerald City.
We have an appointment with the wizard.
Come on, everybody! Come on!
What are you doing here so... alive?
With flying monkeys?
- We're here to see the wizard.
- But you don't have an appointment.
- This is our appointment.
- (all) Yeah!
- No!
- Come on, guys.
No, you can't! No! The wizard won't...
No, you can't do that.
- (Scarecrow) You can't stop us now.
- Ow!
- That's right, that's right!
- (Tin Thing) Open the door!
Come on. Come on, guys.
Follow me.
(Dorothy) We got the eye.
We want what you prom... ised.
- (Lion) This is what I was afraid of?
- (Scarecrow) It's not even green.
- What's going on?
- Wait, stop.
Stop! You must wear the glasses
or you will fry from the wizard's brilliance!
- Really? 'Cause... you're not frying.
- Yeah.
Oh. Well, uh... um...
It burns! Oh!
My face sizzles and cooks
before your very eyes!
Oh, the horror! The horror!
- Huh?
- (meep)
Oh. (clears throat)
Um... Well... (clears throat)
I guess they're not buying it, Beakie.
So, we must away. (clears throat)
(Wizard) I am Oz, the great and terrible!
Jeepers, fellas, the joint is haunted!
Yeah! Make like we're running away!
- It's OK! It's all right!
- Get back here.
(Wizard) Why do you seek me?
- Because we want what you promised!
- Yeah!
(Wizard) Oh, dear me.
This is sudden. Uh...
Come back tomorrow during normal
business hours - 8:30am and 5:30pm.
- No way! You've had enough time already!
- Yeah.
S. You better keep your promise or...
I'll go cyclone in here!
(gasps for air)
(on PA) We're done here!
Uh... Yeah...
We can see you.
No, you can't! I'm invisible!
Stop. Seriously,
you're embarrassing yourself.
Oh, boy.
So you're the wonderful Wizard of Oz?
I'm a little afraid of heights. Uh...
- Hi, how are ya? Good to see ya.
- Hi.
Well, so, uh...
- I'm Francis Kornfine at y-your service.
- Let me see this!
I'm sorry.
It says I'm from Hollywood, California.
And it says that I drive a tour bus.
I gotta tell you,
this is more than a little disappointing.
So that's why you wanted the eye.
You were afraid the Wicked Witch
would see you for what you really are -
a big phony!
No, um... Yes.
Something... Well, something like that.
- You're a bad man.
- No, I have to disagree.
I'm not a bad man. I'm... You know...
But I'm a bad wizard.
I gotta tell ya,
I- I never set out to trick anyone.
It's just, I got here, and everybody, they
just, they assumed that I had this thing.
That I was this all-powerful wizard.
- Why would they think that about you?
- You know why?
- Because I-I-I could do this.
- (gasping)
- Oh, my goodness!
- Wow!
- Oh, do that again! Do that again!
- It's amazing!
They're simple people
but, oh, they're loving.
Did you ever tell anyone
you weren't a wizard?
No! You know,
one of the secrets of show business -
you gotta give them
what they want, you know.
Then give us what we want!
Yeah, and explain how
you turned into such a sexy chicken.
All right, all right. I'll do it.
I'm not really a wizard, but I-I'll do it.
I'll give you - every one of you -
what I, uh, promised.
Give me two hours. Two hours.
(crowd noises)
- (man) She's coming out!
- (man #2) Dorothy! Dorothy!
- Dorothy! Over here!
- Ooh, ooh, Dorothy! Dorothy!
- Would you sign my boomerang fish?
- Sure.
He's your biggest fan!
- Wow! Thank you!
- You're welcome.
I wish they could see this back in Kansas!
And here she comes -
Emerald City's Dorothy Gale.
So, Dorothy, how does it feel
to be the biggest star in Oz?
I don't know!
I'm surprised everyone likes me so much.
They haven't even heard me sing!
You heard it, folks.
Dorothy Gale, the biggest star in Oz.
Even though no one's
ever heard her sing!
(glass shatters)
Dorothy! This way!
No, no, no. No, no, no.
No, listen, Eisner, baby.
If you think we're going for that deal,
you're out of your Mickey mind, OK?
I can't talk right now.
I gotta run. I gotta run. I gotta run!
( theme music over TV)
Ladies and gentleman -
and unisex penguins -
live from Emerald City,
it's the wonderful Wizard of Oz!
(cheering and applause)
(Wizard) Ah, thank you.
Oh, this is so exciting!
Oh, thanks. Thank you.
Please. Come on!
Thank you. Thank you. Listen...
I- I-I called you all together tonight, so...
so the good folks of Emerald City
and Oz at large can...
finally know the truth. I...
- I am not who I appear to be.
- (gasping)
You see, I'm just...
an ordinary guy... from Hollywood.
That's a beautiful place where people keep
their word and a deal is always honored.
(all) Nah-uh.
You see, I made a promise
to some brave folks,
and I want to keep that promise
in front of everyone!
- your wizard is gonna grant some wishes!
- (applause and cheering)
- Come on. Come on!
- Oh, I love wizards!
First of all, let's bring out... the lion.
Welcome, Mr. Lion.
- I-I believe you asked for some courage.
- Yes. Yes, I did.
And-And courage you shall have.
This golden microphone of bravery
will certainly end any debate
as to who's really the king of beasts.
There you go.
Let me turn this on for you.
- Whoa!
- Uh-huh.
Wow! I guess I do feel a little braver.
So, two ducks waddle into a bar.
Bartender says...
- Get off.
- That's not what he says.
- No, no, no. Get off.
- Oh, that's me. Yeah.
( theme music)
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
Tin Thing.
- ( theme music)
- (applause)
Now, Tin Thing, you asked for a heart,
and thanks to my clever scientists
at the Emerald City labs,
- your chest...
- (gasps)
...will never be empty again.
- This won't hurt.
- (beeps)
- ( theme music)
- (applause)
This is... this is so nice!
What if there were someone
to share that heart... with?
- (applause)
- Camilla!
Oh, my darling!
I've missed you so much!
(all) Aw!
(all) Aw!
- Oh, dar... Look who's filled out!
- (clucking)
I don't mean chubby. I mean in a nice...
Would you excuse us?
- Yes, take it offstage.
- Come on.
Let's not forget... the scarecrow.
- ( theme music)
- Oh!
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Scarecrow!
Well, Mr. Scarecrow,
you've asked for nothing more than a brain.
Now, from this day forth,
your knowledge shall know no bounds.
But, um... to grant your wish,
I have to take your head off.
- (gasps)
- Uh...
Could I... could I think about it?
- No. You have no brains.
- Oh. Good point.
- Bring in the brains.
- (applause)
(speaks mock Swedish)
- Thank you.
- (hums)
All right, quiet please.
I need absolute... concentration.
- Sh, sh!
- Quiet! Sh!
- Drum roll, please.
- (drum roll)
Uh... Huh...
(all scream)
What are you?
What are you? Oh!
This is surreal!
Or should I say, cereal?
And now you will be a great man.
For I have given you
a lot of bran new brains!
- That's funny?
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Oh, right down there, to the left.
- Left. Thanks!
And finally, it's time for Oz's
newest overnight sensation to sing.
My spotlight now belongs
to Miss Dorothy Gale.
It's a good life
A happy ending where you landed
It's a good life
Don't you love how it's turning out?
- It's a good life
- Oh!
See what happens
when you take your chances
It's a good life
Stop! Stop the music.
- (cheering)
- (music stops)
I'm sorry, but this whole thing is a lie.
It's no different than those
fake green glasses in Emerald City!
- Or that applause machine.
- Oh! Oh, oh...
You see, this wizard hasn't given
you anything you didn't already have!
I've never had such
a shiny microphone before.
The point is, wizard or no wizard,
you were already brave, kind and smart.
Well, gee, I didn't think I was thinking,
but, come to think of it,
I think I was thinking. Ha.
- Makes you think.
- (Wizard) OK, I'm... I'm really upset.
Dorothy, you say I-I didn't grant your wish.
But you're on television.
Millions hang on your every word.
Yes, I control the programming and nothing
else is on, but... you are famous, Dorothy.
You're a star. And that, I gotta say it,
that's, uh... that's because of me.
You really want to grant my wish, Wizard?
Send me home, to Kansas, to my family.
Dorothy, you consider it done.
Really? Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
I knew you couldn't be completely useless.
When do we leave?
Well, um, actually,
you have to visit the fourth witch, Glinda,
the Good Witch of the, um... of the South.
You gotta be kidding me! Another witch?
Great. How do I find this one?
S, s. What freaky land
we got to visit now, guy?
Tomorrowland, Adventureland, Canada.
The wizard possesses a magic eye
to, uh... give us all the, uh, answer.
Dude, I know all about the magic eye.
I gave it to you, remember?
Oh, yes. Ah! Well, there she is.
She's in Munchkinland.
Can you see that?
She's... she's, uh...
She's visiting her sister, Tattypoo.
The Good Witch of the, um... North.
All right, guys.
Back to Munchkinland.
- Oh, well.
- OK.
You're not so scary. Hmph!
- ( theme music)
- (applause)
Yeah, this is it. I definitely... This is
Munchkinland. I've seen it in the postcards.
Welcome back, Dorothy. I'm glad to see
your quest for fame was such a triumph.
You're now the most
talked-about diva in all the land.
I saw you on TV.
TV! I saw her on TV!
- Yes, I know.
- Yeah, yeah.
Excuse me, but where can I find
your sister Glinda?
- (muppet) Here's your cattuccino, Glinda.
- Right here, dear.
- Where you goin'?
- Shoo, shoo, shoo.
- Enchant.
- Oh! Mm.
And who is this sophisticated
and distinguished gentleman?
- Well, my name is Toto. It's a pleasure...
- Not you.
How is it we've never met?
Well, I've spent a lot of time
hanging around on the farm... literally.
Ah, good one!
- Thanks.
- Ooh, how intriguing.
- I love agriculture.
- Oh?
Plowing the fields, rolling in the hay...
Um, guys? Hate to interrupt, but
the wizard said you can help me get home.
It's true. Just say goodbye to your friends
and... I will show you the way.
Well, guys.
- Guess this is goodbye.
- (all) Aw!
- We're really gonna miss you, darling.
- (squeak)
- (muppet) Yeah.
- What?
You were the best boss we ever had.
I think it's time for you to be your own boss.
Oh, I don't believe you're gonna do it!
(all cheer)
I'm sorry, I'm not following.
The monkey gets the hat?
- The monkey gets the hat?
- The monkey gets the hat.
Looks like this is finally it.
We must be brave, Dorothy.
Oh, oh!
- Goodbyes always break my heart. (sobs)
- Aw.
I love you guys.
- I'll never forget you.
- Oh.
I'll never forget you, either.
Toto, you sure...
No! Don't speak, my little Dorothita.
Just go!
Don't look back, OK?
Because if you do, I fear my tears would...
So, how do these things work, anyway?
Is there a bus or something?
No, it's your shoes. They have
the power to take you anywhere.
Really? Anywhere? Well,
I wish someone would have told me this
before these magic shoes
gave me these magic blisters.
What? Look, this is how things work
in enchanted lands.
The thing you were looking for
was there all along! Jeez!
Do you wanna get home or not?
Thanks, sis.
All you have to do
is knock your heels together three times,
and command the shoes
to take you wherever you wish to go.
I hope this works.
(muppets) One, two, three!
Take me home to Aunt Em!
- Bye, Dorothy!
- Yeah. We'll miss you.
Hey, need any help
with the early-bird rush?
You're alive.
Look at you! Man, when that twister hit
and flew off with the house,
well, we thought that you were...
Well, where on earth
have you been, Dorothy?
- And what are you wearing?
- What's wrong with my clothes now?
Guess which refrigerator
broke down when you were gone? The...
Don't worry, Uncle Henry.
I don't want to fight.
I just want to say... you were right.
Wanting to be a big star made me forget
what I really love about singing.
When you're doing it right,
I mean really singing,
you don't notice
where you are anyway.
I don't think I'm leaving Kansas for a while!
Well, somebody's going
to be sorry to hear that.
He's been in here every day
asking about you.
- And eatin' up all the flowers.
- Mm-hm.
Mr. Kermit?
Oh, Miss Gale!
Oh, I'm so glad that you're all right!
Hey, we listened to your demo, and you're
the best singer that we heard anywhere!
We're hoping you'll join our tour!
Oh, wow! I can't believe it!
But... I can't leave now.
I just got home with my family.
Well, OK. Uh...
Thank you for your time. Um...
I mean, there was that one other girl
in Nebraska who was all right...
Kermit, w-wait. Don't leave yet.
Dorothy, when that wind picked up
our house and blew it away,
it gave me a whole new perspective
on what home is really about.
If you want to go on tour and sing,
I want you to go,
because now I know you'll always be
home with us, no matter where you are.
- You mean it?
- Come on.
Wanna get some, Kermit?
We're family now.
You guys are great.
- Well, Kermit.
- Yeah?
- Guess I'm going with you!
- Great!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Dorothy Gale!
(applause and cheering)
Ah-ha, whoa
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I got a feeling that we did something right
Everything looking up,
future shining bright
I gotta get the message out,
send it loud and clear
All you need is right here
Who said happiness is so far away?
Closer than you might think,
find it every day
Step back, you'll see
you're part of a family
It's a good life
A happy ending is where you landed
It's a good life
Don't you love how it's turning out?
It's a good life
See what happens
when you take your chances?
It's a good life
Come on and find what I've found
(Animal) Good life! Good life!
Oh, that's my niece!
- It's my niece.
- That's my niece!
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Dorothy Gale!
(applause and cheering)
Yay! Yay!