The Taqwacores (2010) Movie Script

(Phone ringing)
As'salaamu alaikum, Yusef.
Wa-alaikum as-salaam Ummi.
We miss you, how's Buffalo?
Al'hamdulilah, I'm going to check out a house.
The flier says everyone there's Muslim.
Very good bita, you can live with them.
Better than the dorms.
They will keep you focused
and out of trouble.
Yeah, Umar?
As'salaamu alaikum.
Wa-alaikum as-salaam.
So, is everyone here Muslim?
From a certain point of view.
Yeah, I didn't expect the
house to look like this.
Your room's over here brother.
This is Mustafa's old room.
He was a brother from Egypt.
You know, Mustafa used to get these for
free from the Saudi embassy all the time.
Y'akhi when he was here,
that was when we really had it,
a house that was true to Islam.
Insha'Allah we can return to that.
Uh..Are you okay?
I am, the Amazing Ayyub.
Nice to meet you.
Do you live here too or are you, uh.
Yeah. Sort of, man.
Is that a fucking camera dude?
This is like video, right?
Yeah I need to recharge
the batteries for that.
If you could please.
Do You know anything about computers?
The password, it's, I gotta reset it.
I should really get to studying now. Oh!
Ah, no no let me get it, naw, I got it.
Aw you're smearing it now.
You're really smearing it.
Yusef man! You're gonna fit in.
You're gonna fit in my balls!
Welcome to the house.
I feel really welcome, thank you.
I'm just gonna.
Wa alaikum as
I was just looking for something to drink.
Aw, well, there's plenty to drink.
No, I was thinking something halal.
Oh, halal? Well you've gotta
be specific in this place.
Jazakullah khair. (Thank you)
You're the new guy, right?
Salaam, I'm Yusef.
I'm Rabeya.
Have a seat.
Um actually I have to be
going because I have, um
I have um class in a bit, so I .
Oh right, right every time a man and a woman
are alone shaytan is the third present.
Yes, No I mean no that's not it
I just, uh...
Well did you make your fajr prayer yet?
Sorry You have to count
me out, I'm ragging it.
Umar y'akhi?
Umar y'akhi?
Umar y'akhi, wake up, it's
time for fajr prayer.
Salam Yusef.
Go make wudhu, I'll follow after you.
Bimillahir rahmanir raheem.
La ilaha illa Allah.
Asalams, man.
Wa asalaams. I'm Yusef.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Fasiq.
You're the new guy, right?
You should have been out here
with us last night y'akhi.
Oh no, I'm not much of a partier.
No worries man.
Come on, get out here, come on.
Come check out the view, come on.
Wa salaams man.
Calling us out to prayer on your guitar?
That's bid'ah.
Okay. It's bid'ah.
Hey you know, Umar.
It's only Muslims who use the term
innovation to mean something bad.
Don't forget that you're
Muslim too Aren't you?
La ilaha illa Allah.
The adhan has been called,
if we're gonna pray.
Let's pray.
These Muslims don't respect freedom, they don't respect
capitalism, and they don't respect our way of life!
We can't coexist with these people.
And, and the liberals, their starting to find that out.
Look, it's a proven fact.
It's been documented!
Radical Shiites are coming to America and
going on welfare. Shut the fuck up!
Then they send their welfare checks back
to Iran to support its nuclear program!
It's not a good idea to be drinking tea.
Why not?
Caffeine is a stimulant.
Know, I wouldn't go as far as calling
tea haram, but it's at least makrooh.
Tea is makrooh?
Brother, it's a plague amongst
the Muslim world is what it is.
It's great.
All you need to get rid
of Umar is a vagina!
Bro, how do you fix this thing man?
What are you doing?
Ayyub come on, please, you're gonna break
my camera, that was a present for Eid.
Yo, fuck that shit, fix this
and let's go fucking skate!
Move! Move! Move! Fucking nut.
Yo, when you gonna hook it up with
some of these taqwacores tapes bro?
Ah man, those fuckers only put
their shit out on vinyl, man.
Yeah, they like to be all orthodox about
it but, uh, for you Amazing Ayyub
I think I can put something together.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, man.
- Thanks bro.
- Absolutely brother.
What do you guys mean by that?
Aw shit.
Yusef jaan.
Come on man, how long you been
in the house for, brother?
Taqwacore y'akhi.
Vote Hezbollah.
The Kominas.
One Trip Abroad.
Osama's Tunnel Diggers.
The West coast Muslim punk scene.
Muslim punk scene?
all the crazy fuck ups and rejects
of the community, coming together man.
Starting bands, putting on shows.
Nobody likes em.
The Muslims say they're not really Muslim,
the punks say they aren't really punk.
What's a punk in the first place?
I mean who knows any more, man.
Some say it's about busting social taboos.
Some say it's about being loud...
Everybody's got their own opinion.
What do you think it means?
I think it's just about being ugly.
That's why you can't be punk.
You look too good.
Watch this shit.
Shit, shit, shit, yo check
this out, check this out.
Dude, are you okay?
- You alright?
- That was fucking awesome man!
Are you alright?
Yeah, holy shit.
Fuck, Mash'Allah man, I was in the air so long it
was like I had time to stop being nervous, brother.
Yusef, you gotta get that shit
in a skateboard video man.
Fuck that, I'm gonna to land it right now.
Bullshit you are.
You okay?
Turn that shit off for a second.
Oh, sure.
Listen man.
Next Friday, we're holding jumauh prayer
and we're gonna do it right at the house.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I'm serious.
Jehangir, who would come?
These Muslims y'akhi.
The ones who don't quite fit in
at the Muslim center picnics.
The boys who miss their prayers.
The girls who date behind
their parents backs.
The ones who ask too many
questions during Saturday school.
I can't believe Umar's allowing this.
At the end of the day
he'd rather see this than another party.
And you know y'akhi, deep down even Umar knows
he doesn't quite fit in at the masjid any more.
What do you think they see
when he walks in the door?
What about an imam?
Don't we need somebody to lead this?
That's the best part.
It is said in the Quran that Allah
spoke directly to the virgin Mary.
It is said that she was instructed
to teach Islam to her people.
She was told that something was going to
happen and that thing did indeed happen.
And do you know what that sounds like to me?
It sounds like the virgin Mary was a prophet of Islam.
So, why do we not consider her one?
She wasn't given a scripture but
I say that her book was her son.
So that's my khutbah.
Let's pray.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
As'salaamu alaikum, Yusef.
Wa alaikum as-salaam Abu.
How are your classes?
Still straight A's?
Yes Abu, al'hamdulilah.
How are your housemates? They keeping you in the dean?
You reading your namaz regularly?
Yes, Yes Abu.
Oh, peace.
Hi, I'm Lynn, I'm a friend of Fasiq's.
I'm Yusef.
Nice to meet you.
Is he here?
Is who here?
I don't know.
I think I don't think so actually.
That sucks, I just thought
I'd try and say hi.
- Jehangir!
- Salaam, how are you?
So what's the good word?
I'm just out for a jog.
You don't come around much?
I know. I've just been super
busy with summer classes.
But I hear you guys are
having Friday prayer now.
Yeaheveryone's taking turns leading.
It's beautiful, you gotta come out.
Oh yeah? Totally, I'm there.
Well, um, I better get back to
running but I'll see you guys soon.
Yeah, insh'Allah
- bye.
- Salaam sister.
Wa alaikum as-salaam.
Look at this.
I've got Omar's keys. Beer run?
You're frightening me!
You're crazy.
You give it a shot man.
Give what a shot?
Come on, yell something.
Come on.
Here, up ahead. That old dude.
- What? No.
- Come on, don't be afraid.
Okay, okay. Uh.
Hurry up, hurry!
You make me really nervous!
What'd the guy do?
I don't think he understood
what's going on.
It's fucking hilarious man.
What's up with that girl Lynn?
What do you mean?
I mean, like, is she a Muslim?
She is a convert.
Or revert as I'm supposed to say.
You know, a Catholic girl who loved
Rumi the whole idea of no priesthood.
One love. One God. All that shit, you know?
But I guess she kind of burnt out man.
So she's not a Muslim any more?
You'll have to ask her about that brother.
Here we go, right here.
- Right here? - Yeah yeah, pull over.
- Hold on, I have to signal.
Alright, you gotta signal.
- Right here, right here. Turn the corner.
- Hold on, let me signal. Let me signal.
My mom would be very proud of me right now.
- Why?
- Hanging out with a good boy like you.
Amazing Ayyub always hooks
up the free booze man.
Five bucks says he isn't wearing a shirt.
Give me some! Give me some!
I'm so fucking happy you guys are here!
Get on it! Get on it! Get on it!
What the fuck are you fucks doing here man?
Well we're here to undermine the fucking U.S.
Economy so fill her up mate! Fill her up!
Alright, I'll be right back.
Is it okay he jumped on the
Umar's not going to notice.
Shut the-dude, why do you worry so much?
Worrying is a sin.
Aren't you gonna get in trouble for this?
Fuck this place man. I get more loot
giving hand jobs at Niagra Falls man.
Great. Umar's gonna kill me.
Dude, you want one?
- No. - Here. - No, I don't want it.
You're just a straight edge guy, huh?
You're just all nice and all.
You guys, I gotta give these cumbuckets
some gas, I'll be right back.
Asalaam. What do you guys want?
- A-Salaama-lick my balls mother fucker.
- What the fuck did you say.
Thank you, come again!
Stupid mother fuckers. Fucking Dickwads.
Oh shit, you didn't fucking
kick my car mother fucker!?
Catch me!
The desire for freedom resides
in every human heart.
And that desire cannot be contained forever by
prison walls or Marshall laws or secret police.
Over time and across the earth,
freedo m will find a way.
Hey Yusef, is that you?
Uh, yeah.
Come in here a sec.
You want me to come into the room?
What the fuck do you think I
mean by, come in here a sec?
I like your room.
It's a ceiling and some walls.
Who's this?
Secret Trial Five. They're an all
girl taqwacore band from Vancouver.
So Lynn came by the other day.
She thinks you're cute.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I was kinda surprised too.
Anyways, do you like her?
Oh, I mean, she's nice and stuff.
But I don't know about liking girls and stuff like that.
Okay, I mean, like, finding out
if someone likes you, and then
if you like them, and ask them if
they want to go to the movies ...
People don't do that any more Yusef.
What do you mean?
Basically, you just hang out with someone and then
sooner or later you hook up with that person.
And then one of the people gets jealous so you
decide to only hook up with each other and then.
Bam! You're in a relationship.
Why don't you just, like hang out
with her and see what's gonna happen.
Okay. Cool. What's this?
This. You, you crossed out a
whole ayat in the Qur'an.
Yeah, which one is that?
Let me see, um.
Four, Four-thirty four.
Right, I didn't need that one any more.
What, you just felt like you could cross out
the word of God? I mean, you can't do that.
Well that ayat advises men to beat their
wives so what do I need that for.
No, you can't do that. And most translators say that
it means to beat lightly and their's a story of Job
where he used a blade of grass.
Yeah, Yusef, I know. I read what all the
scholars said okay, even the progressives.
I did all the tap dancing around that
verse that a desperate Muslim could do.
And in the end, you know what I said?
I said fuck it. And now, I feel a
whole lot better about the Quran.
I mean it's kinda weird coming
from a girl in a burqa.
What about my burqa?
No, I mean I meant, uh, you know It must
be kinda hard to, like, read and stuff.
- That's it, that's all I
meant- Okay - in the burqa.
Came out wrong. Sorry.
Here. This is for you.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Uh, I don't know. Why don't you wear it?
Alright well don't expect me
to wear this thing around town
and like campus and stuff because
people are going to think I'm weird.
That's fair. Just so you have it.
Okay, well, al'hamdulilah.
Shut the door all the way.
Hey. Why does Rabeya wear that full burqa?
What do you mean?
I mean, it's not for sunna,
we know that much.
You ever have a day you didn't
want anybody looking at you?
You think that's why she wears it?
Hey, what the fuck is this?!
What?! What now?
That's my Quran.
Yeah? What's it doing in the bathroom?
These are the words of Allah
Subhananahu Wa Ta'Ala
I left it there because
it's fucking raining.
Weed's haram for a reason.
You do know that, right?
No, no, no, no. You see the Qur'an only forbids
alcohol, it don't say shit about weed.
Five-ninety man.
Two, two-one-nine.
That shit is khamr as anything else.
The bathroom is filthy.
Well the whole house is filthy.
Yeah. You know, yeah, you're right.You know, back when
Mustafa lived here it could have never looked like this.
No, let me tell you
something about Mustafa.
Back when Mustafa lived here Rabeya, could
never sit in the fucking living room.
Hey, fuck off!
You know Umar just thinks I'm up here
getting faded, but I know my shit.
Here. In Suratual-Hijr.
Ayat 19 and 20.
Allah sent suitable things
to grow on the Earth.
And with him are the treasures
of everything in the world.
And he only sent them
down in a known measure.
This tells us that things from
nature are a blessing from Allah.
And that he only sent us what
we could handle. Embrace it.
Yo, you pumped up for tonight's party man?
Dude, I'm gonna get my
dick wet, you're gonna
get your dick wet.
It's gonna be fuckin.
- Hey, uh hey, hey, hey.
- Sweet bro.
I'm gonna stay back, okay?
I gotta .
No, it's not like that.
I'm just gonna stay back.
Alright then, I'll just get
the forties
and the blunts and the condoms
- don't tell her you got herpes.
- Leave me alone.
Hi. As'salaamu alaikum.
Wa alaikum as-salaam.
Fasiq's awesome, isn't he?
What a great khutba.
Yeah, it was really out there.
So is Jehangir having another one of his parties tonight?
Yeah, InshAllah
So cool.
Friday afternoons all these
Muslims come out for khutbas
and then at night the punks
come in for beer and ass.
I dont really think theyre Muslims though.
Why would you say that?
No, I mean like, from a
traditional stand point.
Personally, Im not big on the
whole Islam is one way approach.
What do you mean?
I believe in Allah, you know?
I just, I dont always call it Allah.
I pray the way I want to pray.
Sometimes itll be in a church and sometimes on a rug.
Sorry, I dont know
- No. - its hard to explain, sometimes.
- Its okay.
Its fine.
So, do you consider yourself a Muslim?
I dont know. Why dont you call
Allah and ask him yourself.
Good one.
Oh, my rides here.
Ill see you tonight.
- Okay.
- Salaam.
- Oh oh oh, Yusef!
- Hi.
You have to meet Fatima.
Fatima, this is Yusef.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Im Yusef.
Fatima just came back from San Francisco.
She was doing a documentary on the gay Muslim conference out there.
Yeah, was is right. I thought it
was going to be this crazy scene but
youd be surprised how fundy some of those dudes were out there.
What do you mean?
Well like, okay theyre totally strict about prayers and everything.
And a lot of them will tell you straight up that gay sex is sin.
Could you imagine juggling that in your life?
Okay, but there was this awesome kid a guy named Muzzamil.
And hes starting his freshman year at UB in the fall.
So Im going to introduce you guys when he gets here.
I think youll really like him.
Um, did you know those
have pork gelatin in them?
Pork Gelatin!
Theyre halal you bitch.
I think, uh, Rabeyas mad at me.
Are you okay?
Did I ever tell you I
grew up in a house full of women?
No, I dont think so.
Worked out.
Always works out.
Just give me one little kiss.
Did you meet that girl Fatima?
Yes, I met Fatima.
Its funny you should mention Fatima.
Because, um
So, uh were making out and whatever.
And uh I go for her tits.
And thats cool and shes cool.
So I put my hands between her legs.
I mean, shes liking it so
I go to unbutton her jeans.
And the next thing I know shes putting her hand over
mine, and Im thinking fuck, thats it, its done.
And she just looks at me and you
know what she says?
Sorry if this is a dumb question
but if you were to, uh uh and she couldnt even get
the fucking words out man.
So Im like, finger you?
And she goes, yeah.
Would that break the hyme n?
Cmon what can you do after that, if I would have done
shit I would have felt like a fucking child molester
Fuck. Thats my jihad man.
The struggle between me and my nuts.
Greatest struggle, right?
Jihad against your nuts?
- Oh, hey. - Hi.
- Hi.
- How ya doing?
- Im good, how are you?
- Good.
Glad you could make it.
Oh, I live here.
Oh my God, thats right.
Its a crazy house.
YUSEF Yeah, its crazy.
Hes drunk
You should give me a tour.
Thats the kitchen.
Rabeyas room is on the other side.
Upstairs bathroom and Fasiqs
room is around the corner.
So Yusef, are you a punk too?
Me? No.
Not really.
Well, maybe Straight edge.
Maybe, yeah.
So wheres your room?
- Wow Yusef.
- Yeah.
Its not as cool
as everyone elses.
- Its very nice.
- Thank you.
Is everybody else
as clean as you are?
Umars pretty neat.
- Pakistan, right?
- Yep.
I know my flags.
So have you ever been there?
I spent a summer there when I was ten.
- Oh really? - Yeah.
- How was it?
It was a different planet.
I can imagine.
Yeah, sometimes, you know I dont know where I feel more
What the fuck?
- This isnt your first time with a girl, is it?
No, Ive been with many girls.
I think it is.
- Lots and lots and lots of girls. Ive
You know, I have a question for you. Wheres the romance in Islam?
Yeah, passion Yusef
Passion. Well, uh, you get, uh
you, you date after youre married.
Yeah, its really hard to explain
But thats the Islamic way?
Yes. I guess so.
That doesnt make any sense to me.
Well, making out with random guys,drunk,
at a party doesnt make sense to me.
Yeah, I hear ya on that one.
Whats your major again?
- Engineering. - Okay, why?
What, because, I dont know. What are you talking about?
Is that something you are passionate about?
Or is it something your parents want you to do?
What are you talking about? Dont assume you
know anything about me. cause you dont.
God, bullshit Yusef! You have a penis, a dick
in those pants. I know that you do. - What?
You do, you cant hide it, Yusef!
You know what,
youre messed up, okay?
Im messed up?
Yeah youre messed up.
you know, were you ever a Muslim at all?
Come in.
How are you?
Man, theres puke
and piss everywhere.
Oh Im sorry, I I can
help you clean it up.
Im gonna go get ready
for isha Wanna join me?
What the fuck!?
Yo, what up, dude?
Fucking junkie piece of shit!
Umar, stop. Umar, youre choking him!
I could kill you, right now! What the fuck could you you do?!
Wheres your hidden imam now? Shiite piece of shit!
Hes choking!
You wanna fuck in my bed, dirty fuck!?
Come on, Umar!
Let him go, let him go, let him go!
Crazy fuck!
Mother fuck, Mother fuck! Whatd you say to me?! Hey back when
Mustafa was here nobody was fucking in my bed, you piece of shit!
Hi. This is Yusef. Sorry that I cant answer the phone right now. Please leave a message
Yusef bitta, where are you? Why you taking days to return my call?
Is everything okay? Please call me back, youre fathers getting upset. Khudhafiz.
Umars a fucking cock.
Yeah he is.
I mean a fucking cock.
The house aint the same without Amazing Ayyub,
man, Ill tell ya that. Miss that fucking guy.
InshAllah hell be back.
InshAllah. Alright, now hit me one deep alright.
Same way I told you though.
Okay, ready? Go.
Last night I had a dream I was ah
drinking with Johnny Cash.
Yeah. You ever listen to Johnny Cash?
No. I dont listen to country.
No, Johnny Cash isnt country, man. Johnny Cash is bigger than country.
Johnny Cash is the fucking shit man. Johnny Cash rules the world!
Well, I didnt know that.
You didnt know man, now you know.
So what was the dream about?
We were in a bar, sitting on a pair
of stools, downing shots. Laughing.
And I just wished I could be him so
fucking bad, man.
I wanted to be Johnny
Cash more than anything.
He was just sitting there and he
was so fucking old and withered.
See 10,000 years of pain and life in his face.
I was hurting on the inside
so bad man, so fucking bad.
I wanted to be him so fucking bad.
A fucking every man
beyond time and place.
Thats what he is.
I cant be that guy, you know.
Just talks to everybody.
Too wrapped up in my mixmatching
of disenfranchised subcultures man.
Yeah, Im small.
Fucking small.
Fucking small.
Im really gonna do it man.
Do what?
Put on a show.
Yeah, a punk show,
a Muslim punk show.
Call the taqwacore bands out west.
Find a date when they can all make it.
I think it can work.
Yeah, where?
Anywhere, man.
Who would come?
a ton of people would come
come on, we got a ton of Muslims coming to
the house Friday afternoon for prayers.
A lot of kufr punks coming
to the house Friday nights.
Get em all in one place, at the
same time, thats a lot of heads.
This shits gonna happen.
Give it up for Ms. Muzzy
Proper introduction.
Yusef, this is Muzzamil.
I told you about him a few weeks ago.
Hi, Im Yusef.
Call me Ms. Muzzy
Yusef jaan, you wont believe it man.
Muzzys telling us about the
taqwacore scene out in San Fran.
Well its only a few bands right now
but its a lot of good energy.
Yeah? So who are the biggest ones out there?
The Ghilmans mainly.
- Holy shit, they fucking rock.
Uh huh.
- Im trying to get them out to my show this winter.
Oh, thatd be fucking hot.
You know which was another good band to look out for?
The Guantanamo Bay Packers.
Theyve got really good songs so
try and get them out too, okay?
Hey, InshaAllah
So Ms. Muzzy, tell me. Why the hell would anyone
leave San Francisco for this fucking shit hole?
Well she could have gone
to Berkeley or something.
Well its an interesting little
story behind that, ya see
my parents believe
if you could take me out of the gays
then you could take the gay out of me.
So, theyre like
really funny like that.
Yusef yakhi. So you coming with me tonight?
Yeah, yeah.
Where you guys going?
Rochester Mosque.
We arent invited?
I wanna pray. - Me too man.
I cant believe Im taking
you freaks to the masjid.
Whatever dude. At least the girls decided not to come.
Just dont tell anybody Ms. Muzzys gay and well be fine.
Dont do that around me, lets go. Lets go.
What the fuck?
No beer or weed at the mosque.
I wouldnt smoke in the mosque.
No Thank you.
Whats up daddy, you wanna feel up inside
my pussy, see whats inside of there?
Shut up, honestly.
Not today.
Take off the make up.
No gay material. No fag porn in my car.
- Shut the fuck up.
Sorry I had to change my pants and
put my nice pants on. You okay?
I love masjids, man. No statues, no pictures.
Nothings imposed on you, nothings in your way.
You know the only thing that made me
uncomfortable in masjids where the people.
Without them here its not so bad.
We should make two nafl rakas
out of respect to the masjid
Come here.
Whats that?
My gift to the masjid. Its a novel.
First ever punk novel.
Punk novel?
This kid, Gideon Sams.
He was 14 when he wrote it.
Reading this book its like listening to a sahaba.
Who knows wholl find it, you know?
Maybe someone cool.
Did he write anything else?
Sheikh Sams? - Yeah.
I dont think so.
He died when he was twenty-six.
The punk wasnt meant to be anything
big ya know, it just kinda happened.
Just kinda happened. Alayhe salaam.
Yakhi. Its good to lay
with your head facing qiblah.
Right. Right, right, right.
Whatcha got there Pakistan?
Its a classified section where parents
look for suitable partners for their kids.
Youre kidding me, right?
No. Get this one Egyptian parents looking
correspondence for their daughter.
Looking for Arab origin USA born, never
married and professional in medical field.
Wow these people are crazy.
Could you imagine if we responded to these posts?
As-salammu alaikum, I;m Yusef
Pakistani, Sunni origin. Engineering student and a good family.
As-salammu alaikum. Im Fasiq. No
degree but Im in pharmaceuticals.
As-salammu alaikum auntiee, Im Jehangir.
Im here to marry um Whats your daughters name again?
As-salammu alaikum. Im Umar. Your ad is haram.
Marhaba, Im Muzzy. Im here to sit on your sons face.
Okay. We are turning to the Suratal-Nur, the thirty-fifth ayat
Fasiq, brother. Please keep awake.
Sorry Umar.
Allah Subhana wa TaAla is the Light of the heavens and the earth.
Allah Subhana wa TaAla Light is like a lamp inside a niche.
Lets just pray Fajr and go home.
Jehangir you sober?
Sober as you are man.
You wanna lead?
Allahu Akbar.
Now, they say that your book is
pioneering a whole new Islam.
Surely you must be receiving all kinds
of death threats from angry Mohammadans.
Well its not easy being the
voice of my generation.
but I think that my struggle
is to reclaim true Islam
from those who have taken it hostage,
or hijacked it if you will.
Those Muslim men. They just want
to lock you in the house, right?
If they had their way, Id be under one of those
hideous burlap sacks that they make their women wear.
Hey. Yo. How are you?
Im good.
Listen, I brought you something.
Two Fridays from now
Im gonna give a sermon, I want you there, okay?
- Of course.
And I want you to present this to Umar and
this is how youre gonna get back in the house.
Read this later, alright? Whatever points
are in here, I want you to bring up.
Alright? Youll be back in the house
Everything will be good to go. Alright?
Dude, how the fuck is Umar gonna let me back
in the house, man?
He acts like he owns that shit
Fuck that man, fuck Umar.
Hes never gonna let me back in the house, man
No, no, no, no. Fuck Umar?
Okay, fuck you.
Me? Dude, Im not a fuckin nazi
piece of shit like him, man. - Fuck you.
He called me a Shiite piece of
shit, hes a fuckin Nazi dude. - Fuck you.
Hes a fucking hypocrite. Hes got tattoos all over his
body, thats haram like a motherfucker, dude. - Fuck you.
Fuck you.
What are you willing to give
up to be in that house?
Think about that man.
Read through that, Ill see
ya in two weeks. okay?
These dumb bitches. With all of this
airbrushing, like any of this is real.
How can that really be someones lips?
Its call collagen, sweetie. Some white chicks do that.
They aint got our nice ethnic lips.
Whites just gotta put some pig
shit up in there. That pig fat.
So Yusef, Like, what do you like? Do you like the girls
with the big fat lips like down there or up here?
What do you like to jerk off to sweetie?
I think you touched a nerve!
Yusef, do you not jerk off?
Thats not a nice question
to ask someone. - Oh no!
You like girls, right?
Of course.
But youre not doing anyone?
No, Im not doing anyone.
God Yusef! Youre the only sophomore at
this school whos never touched his penis!
Yusef, you gotta take care of that.
I dont like to self abuse and you
guys shouldnt do that either.
Sweetie, its not abuse.
Its fun.
Ill tell you whats wrong with not masterbating Yusef.
If you keep that shit inside of you it will
poison you and make you do fucked up things.
Look at the catholic priests.
Wait a second, wait a second!
Fatima here has been quiet.
Quiet as a mime!
What, I dont know anything I think its
different for guys than it is for girls.
Oh shut up! - Maybe, but what does that have to do
with being afraid to touch your own freaking anatomy?
Sweetie, you know how it works?
I mean, youve look down there
Geez, yeah, I know.
You know you dont have to like
stick anything in, right? - Yes!
Did you not learn anything in sex ed?
My mom took me out of school that week.
She did!
Of course she took her out! Shes like, oh no, my
daughters gonna see a penis. We cant let that happen.
Alright, were gonna have to reframe
and do a little va-ga-ga one-o-one.
I should, I should go
Im gonna write a couple things on the
black-- Oh, we have a fugitive.
I should really go and work on my paper.
Its due tomorrow.
No Yusef, stick around.
You could learn a thing or two from me.
Rabeya, Rabeya. Weve gotta clear out
the cobwebs first. So let him go.
Thanks Ms. Muzzy.
Wait. Hand me that.
You need this more than they do.
God damn it!
Vaginal lesson number one
is this is a tampon.
Oh, thats a good one.
- Thank you.
I dont use those.
Tampons do not de-virgin-ize you, okay?
Even if the hymen is broken by a tampon it
doesnt mean youre not a virgin anymore.
Say goodbye to the Maxipad!
Tampons coming in!
As-salammu alaikum.
On what days will you be
coming home this semester?
Abu I think Im gonna stay in
Buffalo during the breaks.
Why Yusef?
Whats the reason to stay?
I just, I just wanna hang out here
Hang out?
What does that mean, hang out?
Abu, I gotta go.
I gotta catch a bus.
Yusef, dont rush me!
Sorry, sorry, I gotta go!
Yusef! AstaghfurAllah!
Stop, stop, stop.
Yusef! Let him go!
Let me talk to him, let me talk to him.
No, you talk from here.
My fucking sheets are still stained because of him.
My fucking sheets are still stained because of you! You know that!
Fuck dude! How many fucking times
do I have to say Im fucking sorry!
Free themselves from the unrightful
prejudice toward specific sects.
I dont give a fuck about that!
Dude, this is the official fatwa
of Shaykh Mahmud Shaltut!
What the fuck are you talking about?!
Umar! Listen to me!
Umar! Listen to me!
Calm down.
You really gonna deny a brother Friday prayer?
You want to answer to Allah for that?
Fucking think about it.
Put a fucking shirt on this guy!
Okay. Well get a shirt.
Well get you a shirt.
Dude, its so fucking good to be back man!
Islam is a fucking surrender.
Thats it.
Knowing that you dont run the show, staying
mindful of it in everything you do.
Take your hands off the wheel. See how it feels.
Islam isnt about ayats and hadiths, and niches, and lamps.
Its about us. All of us.
Allahs too big and too open for
my Islam to be small and closed
Im so Muslim I am so Muslim.
I can say fuck Islam.
You know Imam Husain said
"He has no religion, let him at
least be free in his present life."
Lets pray.
That was a beautiful khutbah today.
Amazing, Ive never heard anything like it man.
Bombs away baby!
Im putting on a fucking show baby!
- yeah
God damn right.
Been callin all my boys out West, their
coming in a big fucking taqwacore caravan.
Were gonna set it off.
Set it off real fucking nice. - When?
December twenty-first.
- Where?
Right here, baby.
I cant believe you got the Ghilmans to come out.
And Al-Thawra. Like, its getting serious.
Yes, yes, yes, this place is gonna get over run
with fucking taqwacore and its gonna be so good
I'm really excited
What about, what about,
whats her face?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dee Dee Ali and the guys are in.
Osamas Tunnel Diggers!
Theyre in there.
We just threw them in there for you.
Another band wants to make it out.
Thats cool.
- Which one?
Bilals Boulder.
No fucking way Jehangir.
Those guys are bad news.
Yeah, I mean, they kind of are,
but Theyre good at what they do
Bilals Boulder? They dont
even allow girls at their show.
Look, I know. But their taqwacore.
Theyre gonna piss the
other bands off.
Yeah, and were telling them its an all gender show right off the bat.
If they dont like it, they dont have to come.
Jehangir, theyre a bunch of cocks!
Muzzamil jaan.
If we deny a band their spot because we dont
like their attitude or their interpretations.
Then really it makes us no different
than those whove excluded us.
- Alright. Bilals Boulder, cool.
So, how many people are
gonna to be staying here?
I dont know, I mean
with the bands and all of the scenesters making it
a lot of people brother, a lot of people.
Where they all gonna sleep?
In the halls, in the basement.
In your bedroom.
Listen, some of these
taqwacores are girls.
You got any liwaticore
bands coming out?
Yeah, we do.
You got them all sleeping together?
Guys, girls, and liwats?
Piece of shit, Im trying to
have a fucking conversation.
Hold this.
Fucking relax, relax. look at me.
I knew the guy and girl
thing was gonna bug you
So I invited the liwats so they could turn all the guys gay.
That way you dont have anything to worry about.
InshaAllah, its gonna be fine.
Fucking funny to you isnt!?
This is fucking funny? It's a fucking joke
Relax, relax.
Listen, listen you need to fucking listen to me, okay?
You need to be fucking careful.
Hug me.
Anything goes wrong with this
shit and its on you this time.
Im not cleaning up your fucking mess.
Get the fuck off me.
Give me a hug.
- Piece of shit.
Wait come back, give me a hug.
Muzzamil doesnt want you to leave.
Do you want him to leave?
Yeah, he can go fuck himself.
He said he loves you!
Umar. Umar. Are you okay?
Everythings fine.
You dont seem okay.
Is that why youre here?
I wanted to ask you something.
Shoot away.
Why cant we all be in the same
room together and get along?
Have you seen the fucking
parties in my hallway?
Have you seen the walls in this house?
The people that come into this house.
We have that fucking liwat
hanging out upstairs.
Thats not his name.
Fuck his name.
I just I just think its
really disrespectful.
The way you are to people.
Thats all I had to say.
Is that Jehangir talking?
Its not you, Yusef.
Its not you talking man.
So Imam, what youre saying is that the Republican Party
should be doing more outreach to American Muslims?
Yes yes yes, Because Muslims and
Christians share the same values.
We are bother opposed to some of these
crazy social trends that you see today.
These crazy social trends
like what, gay marriage?
Absolutely. Christians and Muslims should stand united
against the homosexual agenda invading our country.
Wow, Imam, I gotta tell you. Im really touched here.
I feel like weve built some bridges tonight.
Come out here a second.
So, whats up?
One of the bands called up Jehangir from
a gas station. Like an hour ago.
Theyll be coming
any minute now.
I cant wait.
Is that all?
I think I figured it out.
Figured what out?
Why Rabeya wears a burqa.
For the same reason I got this.
Dee Dee Ali!
The queen of taqwacore!
Whats up mama?! Fuck, you look great!
Look at that? Is that Secret Trial Five?
We made these on the bus when we were on tour together.
- Thats beautiful. Let me grab that from you.
Will you grab that? What the hell
you got your pants down for, man?
I was on the shit-er. - I knew it.
What the shit is this?
Whats this? Its fucking nuts.
Its fucking freezing out here.
Come on were Buffalo baby!
Coldest fucking Muslims on the planet.
Well then you better get me inside and warm me up.
- Want me to warm you up?
Tonight we party.
Tomorrows the show. bring it!
Look at these guys!
Pretty punk rock, huh?
The star of David?
Yeah man, its like
Its like Sid Vicious wearing the swastika.
You know, punks all about
pissing people up and the
Taqwacore is punk rock for Muslims, so
this is punk up the fucking ass, man!
But whats the point?
I mean, youre just offending people.
Youre just getting
everyone riled up.
What do you mean? - I mean...
- Huh?
As-salaamu alaikum!
Wa alaikum as-salaam.
Kahif alaikum y'akhi!
Good, good.
How you doing?
Man, Im the fucking proof of everything
this fucking shit says, the whole shit.
The Quran tells you not to drink, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
Dont fucking drink.
I went ahead and I fucked that all up.
I fucked my whole life up. By fucking fingerin little
school girls twats and then fucking puking in their hair.
Thats the kinda shit that I do.
Thats my life.
Quran tells you to keep your dick
dry til youre married, right?
You keeping your dick dry?
You know how many haram cunts Ive had?
Now I got green shit coming out of my dick
and Ive got cauliflowers
coming out my asshole.
You want cauliflowers
growing out your asshole?!
So read your fucking Quran!
Get it right in there!
Get your fucking Quran right in there!
Right in here! And live it out!
And dont forget!
Or else youre gonna end up just like me.
Go fucking back to medical school,
be a fucking good Muslim doctor.
Hey! Assalaamu alaikum, man.
Guys its fucking Bilals Boulder.
Whats going on brother?
Wa alaikum.
Whats going on?
Brother we just came to say salaams.
Were sleeping in the van.
No brother, weve got plenty of room here.
I mean, not plenty of room but you know, we
got a big ass house, whats four more guys?
Brother, alhamdulilah. Thank you so
much but we are sleeping in the van.
Yakhi its fucking freezing outside. Come on now.
You guys dont know how Buffalo
- We are okay.
Never seen such scary dudes
with such soft voices.
Yeah, theyre a different bunch.
Theyre a bunch of cocks, Jehangir!
Theyre decent guys.
Theyre just a little rough to
deal with sometimes. Alright?
Theyre hate mongers. If they had the chance
they would have thrown me from a minaret.
Yeah Muzzamil.
They hate you.
They hate me too.
They hate all of us for something.
Look at us.
Were the ones that have always been
excluded, afraid to be ourselves.
And now what? We get our own scene and start pushing
people to the sidelines? Does that make sense?
Fuck that.
Fuck being as small as they are.
Be big.
Be bigger than them.
Hey yo, brother.
Whats up man?
Hey, watch it!
Man, hey. Whats going on?
Im going to be
with our guests.
Did I ever tell you about
the band I had out West?
You had a band?
We called ourselves
"Hi, my name is Allah"
Its the most blasphemous
thing we could think of.
Though our intentions were pure, we came
off as pretty fucking disrespectful, man.
What happened to the band?
I couldnt do it anymore, man.
Whenever I sang I used to get these
Awful fucking stomach aches, man.
Like a mess of fucking
scissors jumbled up inside me.
My own body was
disagreeing with me.
Are you okay?
Fuck, Yusef.
Theres all these ayats and hadiths against
about making divisions in your religion.
And theres gonna be seventy-two sects
of Islam at the end of the world, right?
But only one can be right.
What if were another one
of those wrong sects?
No, this is not a sect.
Yeah, thats why I invited Bilals Boulder.
Yeah, theyre cocks yakhi, theyre fucking cocks.
We all know their cocks.
This isnt a sect if we keep it open, man.
If we don't form
the farqa
Please Allah.
I know you have no reason to listen to me.
Because Im shit.
Dont make this a sect.
As-salaamu alaikum
Wa alaikum as-salaam.
Im Harun. I write Ordinance twenty.
Ordinance twenty, the taqwacore zine.
So it really happened like that, huh?
That makes him like a martyr, right?
I mean, I dont know ..
If Id put it like that way, exactly.
Fair enough what about his stuff?
Is any of it still here? - No. - What happened?
It all got thrown out.
Alright what was he really like? I mean, you know did
he pray five times a day? Whatwhat, what did he do?
You know what?
Can we please, just let him rest?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
- Thank you
Well, the others in the house. I mean, there was the girl
in the burqa, the Shia skinhead, that straight edger
They all moved out.
And in a couple of days I will
be out of here too, you know.
Well I gotta tell ya brother
especially looking around
I didnt expect to see someone
like you to answer the door.
I guess I just, was thinking maybe
you know it would be someone more
I dont know, more like a
Like a punk?
Yeah, more like a punk.
Im sorry I let you down.