The Undefeated (1969) Movie Script

[ Bugle Call ]
[ Men Whooping ]
[ Whooping Continues ]
[ Man ] Fire!
[ Grunts ]
[ Horse Neighing ]
[ Grunts, Groans ]
Bugler, sound recall!
[ Man Approaching On Horse ]|It's over!
It's over!
Corporal Clemens, sir, from|Masters' Brigade at Dante's Crossroads!
Who gave you permission to come|ridin' across the face of my|command yellin' like a fool?
- Have you got a message for me|from General Masters?|- Yes, sir.
- Deliver it!|- That's it, sir!
- The war is over!|- [ Men Cheering ]
Lee surrendered to General Grant|in Virginia-- a place|called Appomattox Courthouse!
- When?|- Three days ago, sir!
[ Cheering Continues ]
Three days, huh?
General Masters just got word|himself, Colonel Thomas!
Our wires were down!|With your permission, sir!
Rig up a flag of truce,|Blue Boy!
- Short Grub?|- Yo!
Let's go!
I be a sergeant, sir!|Can I be of any service to y'all?
I'd like to talk|to your commanding officer!
Who be givin' orders today,Jim?
Yes, sir?
I've just received word that Lee|surrendered to Grant three days ago!
- Yes, sir!|- You knew it?
We received the news yesterday!
I don't think you understand,|Major! The war is over!
No, sir!
Are you telling me that|you intend to keep fighting?
- Haven't we just proven it?|- But why?
Because this is our land,|and you're on it!
We're all Americans!
Yes, sir! That's always been|the saddest part of it!
- Good day, sir!|- Colonel.
Thank you for your courtesy!
Come on!
- Captain Anderson!|- Here, sir!
General Robert E! Lee|surrendered! Am I right?
Yes, sir!
That means that officially we|no longer exist as an armed body,
yet everywhere I look here|today I see armed men!!!
wearing uniforms|and flying the battle flag!
- Get it down!|- Yes, sir!
Yes, sir?
- Take down the flag!|- Yes, sir!
All right, people,|now listen to me, all of you!
We have about 2,000 miles to go!
Seven hundred of them are between|here and the Mexican border!!!
and through a Yankee|occupation army!
We are not gonna give the lowliest|blue belly we meet along the way!!!
any reason to suspect we're anything|but a band ofhomeless pilgrims.
Until we cross the Rio Grande,|arms and ammunition will remain|in the bottom of the wagons!
You men pack those uniforms away|and wear regular clothing.
The poorer looking, the better.
Now, once across the border,|we still have another 500 miles to go!!!
before we reach|a town called Durango!
There we will be met by representatives|of Emperor Maximilian!!!
who will escort us to Mexico City!
- Captain Anderson!|- Sir?
- We leave at midnight!|- Yes, sir!
[ Soldiers Singing ]|Hurrah, boys, hurrah
Down with the traitor|Up with the star
Oh, we'll rally|'round the flag, boys
We'll rally once again
Shouting the battle cry|of freedom
We will rally from the hillside
We'll gather from the plain
Shouting the battle cry|of freedom
The Union forever|Hurrah, boys, hurrah
Down with the traitor|Up with the star
While we rally|'round the flag, boys
Rally once again
Shouting the battle cry|of freedom
- [ Union Song Continues ]|- I wish I was in the land of cotton
Old times there|were not forgotten
Look away, look away|Look away, Dixie Land
In Dixie Land where I was born
Early on one frosty mornin'|Look away, look away
Look away, Dixie Land
I wish I was in Dixie|Hooray, hooray
In Dixie Land|I'll take my stand
To live and die in Dixie
Away, away|Away down south in Dixie
Away, away|Away down south in Dixie
Ah, Mrs! Langdon!|My name is Benedict!
Thad Benedict, late of Pittsburgh,|but now of Natchez!
This here's my partner,|Jimmy Collins!
Word's goin' around,|Mrs! Langdon,
that you people are of a mind|to put your place up for sale!
- Is that right?|- I beg your pardon, sir,|but I'm the sister-in-law!
I believe you want to speak|to Mrs!James Langdon!
Ah, Mrs!James Langdon!|Thad Benedict is my name!
I was just telling your sister-in-law|here we heard the place is up for sale!
- Is that right?|- No, that is not right, Mr! Benedict!
Aw, come on, ladies, we've come|all the way from Natchez!!!
just to make you people|a handsome offer.
Mind if I get down?
Yes, she does.|And so do I.
My father restin' over there--|he minds too!
Well, well, well, well!|You must be Colonel Langdon!
James Langdon?
Well, uh, Colonel,|I'm here to do you a favor!
Well, let's see now!|Uh!!! Langdon Hall Plantation!
Ah, yes, here it is!|Fifteen hundred acres!
Is that right?
Six hundred acres bottomland,|four hundred in pasture|and five hundred in woods!
Two streams, three ponds with|a two-and-a-half mile riverfront!
[ Chuckles ]|Nice place!
Thank you kindly!
I imagine the house could use|a little work, though, huh?
It could stand it!
Yeah! Well, I'll just|have a look inside!
We just swept the floor,|Mr! Benedict!
You understand?
I'll give you 50 cents an acre!|That's my top offer!
You buzzards, you come down here lookin'|to get fat on the misfortune of others!
This house is not for sale!
Not now, not next year,|not ever!
- Colonel, we are businessmen!|- You're trash!
Well, well! You're a right|plain-talkin' gentleman, ain't you?
You hear what the man|said,Jimmy? Trash!
All right, who's|gonna pick your cotton,
and who's gonna plow up|all that bottomland out there?
And who's gonna chop|the wood when it gets cold?
Now, now,Jimmy! No need|to get uppity with the colonel!
Sixty cents an acre!|Take it or leave it!
-Just like that, huh?|-Just like that!
If I was you,|I'd grab it!
We're gonna get it|anyway, you know!
We'll get the house and every last acre|of land when they put it up for taxes!
Oh, I see!
And, uh, how do you know it will|be put up for taxes, Mr! Benedict?
You went busted outfittin'|that rebel regiment of yours!
Now, what do you say?
Sixty cents!!! or nothin'!
[ Horse Neighing ]
Hyah! Hyah!|[ Whooping Continues ]
This belonged to|Granddaddy Langdon, Horace!
I think maybe|he'd want you to have it!
Thank you, sir!
- Little George!|- Yes, sir?
- Bring along that anvil and|as many tools as you can carry!|- Yes, sir!
Colonel, anybody goin' with us|talk that there Mexican?
Why don't you|stop lookin' at me?
I can't, Charlotte!
I just can't|keep my eyes off you!
Well, you make me uneasy,|Bubba Wilkes, so stop it!
You know, I've asked you a dozen times|to marry me, and you've never answered!
I'm too young to marry!
No girl who looks the way you do|is too young to marry!
Well, I am! If you don't|believe me, you can ask my daddy!
Ask your daddy! Your daddy knows there's|no man better suited to marry you--
Maybe you'd better go on up|to the house and help your mother!
Maybe you'd better go on up|to the house and help your mother!
- You're a good junior officer,|Bubba Wilkes!|- Thank you, sir!
- Don't let anybody tell you you're not!|- No, sir!
But as a young man!!!
with a desire|for my daughter's hand!!!
you're pitiful!
It embarrasses me to watch you!
- I don't understand, sir!|- You sure don't!
You let moonlight and magnolia|blossoms go to your head,
and you forget the real|purpose of your mission!
[ Thomas ] Don't tell me|I can't resign,Joe.
I volunteered into this outfit,|and I'll volunteer out!
There's still a lot|of work to be done!
Not for me, there isn't!|I came into this thing!!!
three years ago with|7 5 volunteers, all good riders!
Do you know how many|of those men are left?
No, but I imagine|you're going to tell me!
Well, if you'll look out|this window, you'll see ten!
Two of them|won't make Christmas!
I still can't understand what those men|have to do with you resigning!
They didn't join the army,Joe!|They joined me!
For three years|I've watched them fall,
and not one of'em quit|and not one of'em deserted!
Those that are left deserve|more than a pat on the back!!!
from some newspaper editor, and|I'm gonna see that they get it!
The army needs horses! Well, there's|plenty of horses in the Territory--
wild horses in Arizona and New Mexico--|and we're goin' after them!
- And sell them to the army?|- We're sure as hell not|gonna give 'em to the army!
All right! Write out a letter|of resignation, and I'll see that--
You came in mighty handy|a few times!
Take care of yourself!|We may need you again,John Henry!
You'll have a hard job|finding me,Joe!
Where to,John Henry?
Short Grub, I've been tryin' for three|years to get you to call me ''Colonel!''
Now it's too late!
- Where to,John Henry?|- West!
- The barn's yours, Newby!|- Yes, sir!
Good-bye, old lady!
How come you know they're|gonna get in here today?
'Cause I told him|to be here today, that's why!
Where do you think you're|gonna mail that thing, Solomon?
There's a Pony Express,|ain't there? Somewhere!
Still a long ways|to Oklahoma,John Henry!
- Anything could happen!|- Not to Blue Boy, it won't!
Come on, tightwad,|give me a chew!
Wait a minute, Baker!|I've only got one left!
- Come on, give me that!|- Hey, that's too big! Come on!
Give me that!
Give me that!|That's my last one!
Come on now, Frank!|I gave you a chew!
All right, I've had it!|Give me that, Frank!
- Give me that! Give me that!|- Hey! Hey!
[ Baker ] Well, I'll be damned.|Lookie yonder.
[ Whooping ]
Hello, Two Toes!|How's your wife?
- What, again?|- Cold winter!
- How are you, McCartney?|- Mister McCartney!
John Henry, the least you can do|after I come all this way is say hello!
- Hello, Mr! McCartney!|- I broke my butt to get here!|You can show me some respect!
- Your cookin' still|as bad as I remember it?|- You go to hell!
You still got|that mangy old cat?
High Bred--|finest partner I ever had!
Cleans his paws|and buries his leavings!
Lot more than|some folks I know!
- Any trouble?|- No! Lost track of time, though!
I reckon I'm a day early|or a day late!
You're four days late, but they|don't know it! How are things at home?
Bad, like everywhere else,|I guess!
Yeah! Well, I guess|we better get organized!
[ Horses Neighing ]
[ Whooping, Whistling ]
Don't lose|those two over there!
Get 'em all!
[ Whooping Continues ]
[ Indistinct Shout ]
Take your time. I'll have|McCartney send you some grub.
That'll be damn nice of you! I hope|I can do the same for you sometime!
[ Horse Neighs ]
[ Sighs ]
Tough way to make a few dollars!
Fighting the damn war was|a hell of lot easier than this!
Not too close, Mudlow!|Might be catchin'!
It ain't right, you folks|holdin' anger on me!!!
just because I wouldn't|join your blamed old army!
- Go on, get!|-Just mean!Just mean folks!
Charlotte, I'd like to talk|to you tonight after supper!
After it's dark, you mean?
All you want to do is hold me|and hug me and kiss my lips!
Is there somethin'|wrong with that?
Well, a young lady's lookin'|for a mite more these days!!!
than huggin' and holdin'|and kissin'!
She's lookin' for somethin'|a teensy bit more substantial!!!
than periphery and trimmings!
Like what, Charlotte?
I've said all I'm gonna say,|Bubba Wilkes!
Well? Will you walk out|with me after supper?
Walk out? Walk out in these|dreadful swamps where--
where I could get eaten|by a tiger or somethin'?
Oh, you must've lost your|foolish mind, Bubba Wilkes!
And it just goes to prove you don't have|any true regard for me whatsoever!
A tiger?
[ Horses Neighing ]
The first good grass|you come to, give 'em a rest!
- All right,John Henry!|- We'll be back around sundown!
See'd your dust all day!|What you drivin'? Buffalo?
Stage arrived yet?
It's overdue! I ain't askin'|'cause I don't care!
But if your name's Thomas,|there's a couple of popinjays|waitin' inside to see you!
They've been here|for two days now!
I give 'em water the first day,|and they tooken root!
- Government agents?|- I ain't asked! They ain't said!
Are you the gentlemen|that were looking for me?
You are|MonsieurJohn Henry Thomas?
You have me at a disadvantage!
I am Monsieur Pierre Petain!
This is my companion,|Seor Luis Escodero!
We have the honor to represent|the emperor Maximilian of Mexico!
Won't you have a chair,|Monsieur Thomas?
Well, thank you, no!|We're waiting for the stage--
We understand|you have many horses!
- Is that correct, Mr! Thomas?|- It could be!
We have been authorized by the emperor|to purchase all you can supply!
Well, I'm afraid you gentlemen|have made a long trip for nothing!
My horses are going|to the United States Army!
But, Mr! Thomas, we'll buy|the whole herd, sight unseen!
Top dollar, if you|drive them to Mexico!
- All expenses paid!|- Stagecoach is comin'!
I'm sorry, gentlemen!|Our army needs them!
Pardon me!
Whoa! Pedro Flats!
- Mr! Thomas?|- That's right!
My name is D!J! Giles, and this|is my associate, Mr! Ezra Parker!
- Howdy! This is Short Grub!|- We're out of the U!S! Army|purchasing office at Fort Clark,
and we understand you have|some horses to show us!
No, I have some horses|to sell you!
Three thousand, to be exact, and it's|the best herd you'll find anywhere!
Fine! Shall we go inside?|Thank you!
We'll cull your herd|tomorrow, Mr! Thomas,
as soon as our wranglers|arrive from Brackettville!
I suppose that out of 3,000 head,|we ought to able to find 500 or so|that we can use!
- Our usual procedure is this--|-Just rein up a minute, Mr! Giles!
You're goin' a little fast for me!|Do you mind trottin' through that again?
Not at all! I said|that out of 3,000 head,
we might be able to find|500 or so that we can use!
You know, animals|that meet our specifications!
Well, I have 3,000 for sale,|not 500!
Well, surely you don't|expect us to purchase!!!
just any old horse|for the United States Army?
Well, now there just ain't|''any old horse'' in this whole herd!
You'll take 'em all or none!
Mr! Thomas, I'm sure|you're aware of the fact!!!
that, uh, times are hard!
Maybe not as hard as you think!
The army's not that hungry|for horse flesh!
This country is going through|a period of reconstruction!
Money is in short supply!|Hmm?
Who can you sell 'em to|if not to us?
Monsieur Petain,|hold up a minute there!
-Just for the record,|what are you payin'?|- Twenty-five dollars a head!
[ Thomas ]|Last month it was 35.
[ Chuckles ]|But this month it's $25 a head.
Well, these gentlemen have offered|to take the whole barrel, sight unseen!
- Is that correct?|- That's correct, Mr! Thomas!
- And what's your top offer?|- Thirty-five dollars a head, of course!
You just bought yourself a herd!|And you can tell Maximilian!!!
he won't find better animals between|Montezuma and the Canadian border!
Just a minute!
You're selling horses|to Maximilian!!!
in preference to your|own country's army?
No, I'm selling horses for $3 5|in preference to 25!
You two figured to make|$1 0 a head!
Are you calling us thieves?
Well, Mr! Parker, yes, that's|a pretty accurate description!
Wait a minute!|I didn't do anything!
You should've!
Read that message again,|Sergeant!
''Eighteen rolling units|with men, women and children!!!
''passed through Gladesville,|Texas, 1 0:20 p!m! this date!
''Suspected Confederates!|Probable destination, Mexico!
Detain, search and turn back!''
[ Imitating Bird Call ]
What do you make of that?
It seems I've heard that bird|before, sir, at Missionary Ridge!
And if I'm not mistaken,|that's a gray-bellied sapsucker!
[ Horse Neighing In Distance ]
[ Imitating Bird Call ]
[ Imitating Bird Call ]
- [ Whistles ]|- [ Whooping ]
The river! Come on!
[ Man ]|Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
[ Indistinct Shouting,|Whooping, Whistling ]
[ Whooping Continues ]
Get your weapons!
Real sorry, Miss Ann!|We didn't plan things this way!
Let 'em go, Sergeant!
McClarty, Gibbs!|Turn 'em loose! Let 'em go!
Giddap! Hyah!
[ Indistinct Shouting ]
[ Cheering, Whooping ]
- Sir, I don't mean to--|- I know, Sergeant!
But if I can't have the whole dog,|I don't want the tail!
Yes, sir!
[ Horses Neighing ]
We'll probably cross 'em|at the old monastery, Eagle Pass!
Bon. Well, if we do not|see each other again,
then we will rendezvous|on the plain at Durango!
- Bon courage, Monsieur.|- Thank you!
They are fine-looking|animals, Mr! Thomas!
- The emperor will be pleased!|- I hope he is!
But whether he is|or whether he isn't,
you have the money there|when the horses arrive!
[ Agreeing In French ]
What's troubling you?
Cavalry's comin' from Fort Clark!
Damn government agents!
Can they stop us?
Not if we get across|that river, they can't!
Let's take 'em to Mexico!
Let's go!
[ Horses Neighing ]
Well, what are you waitin' for?|Stop 'em!
Stop 'em!
We'll be mighty proud to stop 'em,|Mr! Giles-- all 1 2 of us--
just as soon as you tell us|how to go about it!
Mr! McCartney, when|are we gonna have some meat?
Right now, if you want it!
Belly cheater!
High Bred, you know|what good food is, don't you?
You mangy old cat!
- Hey, McCartney!|- Mister McCartney!
There's somethin' crawlin'|in these beans!
Well, you can speak to it,|but don't play with it!!!
or else the others'll want one|in their beans too!
Hold that plate!
Yes, sir, I can just feel|that money in my pocket right now!
What are you gonna do with it|when you get it?
Well, I had to give that|a lot of good thought,
but I somehow ain't come to set|right down on the notion yet!
[ Man ] I know what I'm gonna buy me--|some pack animals and traps.
Whatever's left over,|I'm gonna get drunk!
And if I ever sober up again,|I'm headin' for the Rockies!
Well, that might be fine|for you, Whitt,
but me bein'better bred,|I got higher ambitions.
Like what?
Like building a small library|under a big elm someplace!
Me and High Bred's gonna go to St! Louis|and open up a little cathouse!
[ High Bred Meows ]
- Everything quiet out there?|- Would you believe it,John Henry?
- I had to wake two of the men!|- Let's hope it stays that way!
You ain't expectin' trouble,|are you,John Henry?
Trouble? Well, let's see!
We got Maximilian on one hand!!!
and Juarez on the other|and bandits in between!
On top of that,|we're Americans in Mexico!!!
taking a cavy ofhorses|to a very unpopular government.
Why should we expect trouble?
How come you didn't|tell us that aforehand?
How come you didn't ask me?
John Henry, there's a box canyon|about four miles from here!
- Enough forage to fill 'em?|- No, sir, but|there's enough to hold 'em!
There's somethin' else!|I rode across two trails!
One was wagons and horses!|The second trail was many riders--
at least 40 and maybe 60.
The second trail ran|just down the side of the first!
Well, if you were to tell me|that a year ago!!!
in Virginia or Tennessee,|I'd suspect ambush!
It looked that way to me!
- Short Grub!|- Yo!
There's forage and water about|four miles ahead in a box canyon!
Move 'em in there and|hold 'em till we get back!
Where are you going,John Henry?
I don't believe it!
Pick up that bucket!
Well, howdy, Sergeant Newby!
Save your ''howdy''|for later,Jamison!
Right now let me see you|start currying that horse!
- Yes, sir!|-Just like old times, eh, Newby?
Just like old times,|Colonel!
Riders approachin'
Two riders a-comin'!
We have company!
Good afternoon!|My name's Thomas!
We're drivin' a herd|of horses south,
just over the hill!
I'm ColonelJames Langdon!|Mr! Thomas, what can I do for you?
Well, it isn't|what you can do for us!
We came to warn you that you're|probably riding into a bandit ambush!
Well, how do you|happen to know that?
Well, Blue Boy here|is a full-blooded Cherokee!
When he suspects somethin',|you usually get it.
There's 40 to 60 riders|moving parallel to you,
just out of sight.
Waitin' until we get|into those hills?
That'd be my guess!
- What did you say your name was?|-John Henry Thomas!
Don't I know you|from somewhere?
To my knowledge, Colonel,|we've never met before!
[ Sighs ] Well, we appreciate|the warning, sir!
It's late! Will you and your friend|join us for supper, stay the night?
Best offer we've had all day!
[ Bugle Call ]
There's nothin'|like a full stomach!!!
for facin' the unknown future!
Well, I hate to be|persistent, Colonel,
but, uh, I think|the future is pretty certain!
I fully agree!
I think they'll give you|a couple of days to get up into|the hills before they strike!
If this was my outfit, I'd hold|right here and make them come to me.
[ Langdon ]|That's good thinkin'
I've never yet let the enemy choose|the sight ofhis own destruction.
- I like to play in my yard!|- What are these bandits after?
Gold, horses!!! women!
We had an experience or two|with 'em before the... war.
Were you, perchance,|in the war, Mr! Thomas?
Yes, Captain, I was!
Would it be brash and|presumptuous of me to ask!!!
which side you were on,|Mr! Thomas?
Well, I favor to think that|I was on the right side, Mrs! Langdon!
I detect a shadow of animosity|towards my question!
Could it be that you|were a Yankee soldier?
What a question to ask a man!
Yes, ma'am,|I was a Yankee soldier!
Mr! Thomas!!!
I'm about to make my rounds|before I turn in tonight!
Would you care to accompany me?
Thank you, sir!
[ Horse Neighing ]
I suspected it when I saw those|Union trousers on that Indian boy!
My son was killed by Union cavalry|at Shiloh, Mr! Thomas!
We called it|Pittsburgh Landing!
- You were there then?|- I was!
May I ask your rank?
I was a colonel|in that cavalry!
John Henry Thomas!|Of course!
Well, you were on|George Custer's right flank!!!
when you charged the breastworks|at Madisonville, weren't you?
- We did a job that day, didn't we?|- You were damn cruel!
Cruel? ThoseJohnny Rebs had 40-pounders|looking right down our throats!
Did you think you|were comin' to a ball? Sergeant!
Yes, sir!
If I can find the time,|I'm gonna sit down and write|the social history of bourbon!
Tell me somethin',|Mr! Thomas!
Were you, by chance,|at Chickamauga?
I ask because I lost|my brother there-- Ann's husband!
I lost 23 in my command|at Chickamauga--
friends and sons of friends,
men that I'd known|all their lives!
- Now can I ask you a question, Colonel?|- Fire one, Mr! Thomas!
Why did you come clear out here|to continue a war that ended|months ago in Virginia?
Because I'm a stubborn man!|Does that satisfy you?
I got no taste for losin'|to a lot of Yankee rabble!
- How about that?|- It won't wash!
You can be a very|aggravatin' man, Mr! Thomas!
- Sergeant!|- Yes, sir!
Let's just say|we haven't seen the end!
You'll see it quick enough|if you keep drinkin' this stuff!
Excuse me, Colonel!
Help yourself!
[ Man Shouting ]
[ Little George ]|The young 'uns, now. Come on over here.
You get over here|with me right now!
Hurry, now!|Get tucked away! Come on!
- Come on, now.|- Mind a suggestion from|a Platte River Indian fighter?
Why don't you arm your women?|That's what we did on the|Bozeman and California trail!
[ Wilkes ]|Colonel!
[ Langdon ]|All our night pickets come in yet?
All butJamison, sir!
- Well, go get him!|- Carlyle! Little George!
It's Jamison, sir!
- All right!|- Take him down, George!
Captain, issue a rifle|to every woman knows how to use it!
Yes, sir!|Carry on, Sergeant!
- Looks like he wants to talk!|- We have nothing to talk about!
- Well, he's got you outnumbered!|Let's start from there!|- Finding ourselves outnumbered,
Colonel Thomas, is a fact of life|we've gotten used to!
With women and children|in the pot?
- I'll go, sir!|- No!
The colonel and I will go!
Let's understand|each other, Thomas!
Your Indian friend rode out of here|last night with no explanation!
He hasn't returned! One false move|on your part, and my men won't miss!
Friend, your men have been|missin' me for years!
As far as that Indian boy is concerned,|his father was Bold Eagle,
one of the bravest warriors|that ever rode a horse.
And on top of that,|he's my adopted son,
and I haven't done this much|explaining in years.
- Don't press me, Captain!|- Anderson!
Yes, sir!
Windage and elevation,|Mrs! Langdon! Windage and elevation!
Buenos das, seores.|Yo soy Escalante.
- Do you speak English?|-Ah, s.
I speak English|most excellently!
- Then tell us what you want|and be damned quick about it!|- We want everything!
We're so poor,|and we need so much!
I'm gonna ask you one more time!|What do you want?
We want your wagons, your horses,|your guns and your gold!
And you also|have some women, seor.
- Is this fool serious?|- You can bet your life on it!
- But it's preposterous!|- Yeah!
- I have more ''mens'' than you!|- If you wanna lose most of'em,|you come right on ahead!
Otherwise, you'd better hightail|your ass right on out of here!
- I'll fight a thousand of you|before I give you a penny!|- I was hoping you'd say that!
Is the flap on your holster snapped|or unsnapped, my Confederate friend?
Snapped, my Yankee friend!
Well, I guess I'm his pigeon!
Hold your fire!|Hold your fire!
[ Men Shouting, Indistinct ]
You went out there to talk!|Why did you have to shoot the man?
The conversation|kind of dried up, ma'am!
[ Indistinct Shouting, Whooping ]
- Fire!|- [ Gunfire ]
[ Horse Whinnies ]
[ Man Shouts ]
Just like old times,|huh, Colonel?
- [ Crying ]|- Margaret!
- Margaret!|- [ Sobbing ] I can't!
- [ Gunfire Continues ]|- [ Horse Whinnies ]
[ Whinnying Continues ]
Colonel, behind you!
[ Gunfire Tails Off]
- Don't tell me they're leavin'!|- No, ma'am!
They're reforming to charge again!|Leastwise, that's their plan!
[ Gunfire ]
[ Horse Whinnies ]
-[ Gunfire Continues ]|- I'll be damned!
[ Battle Cries ]
[ Horses Whinnying ]
They're leavin' now, ma'am!|That's Blue Boy's little surprise!
Well, I'll be damned!
Mrs! Langdon, the colonel--|your brother-in-law--
said you lost your husband|during the war!
- Yes, Mrs! Thomas!|- I'm sorry!
You didn't know him!|Why should you be sorry?
My cavalry was|in that engagement!
Colonel Thomas,|I wanna thank you!
No thanks are necessary! They were|our enemies as much as they were yours!
- Their own people shoot 'em on sight!|- We're in your debt!
Colonel, why don't you take|all these people and go on home?
There's no tellin' what you're|gonna run into farther south!
In a day or two, we make contact with a|military escort from Emperor Maximilian!
We are going home!|It's ahead of us!
All right, Colonel!
[ Short Grub ] Who you wavin'at,|Blue Boy? [ Laughs ]
[ Cowboy ]|Hyah, hyah!
[ Shouts Continue ]
- Wanna tell me all about it?|- I was thinkin' about that girl!
- What girl?|- The Confederate colonel's|daughter, Charlotte!
- She's a pretty girl!|A little young, but pretty!|- I want her!
- You want her?|- And she wants me!
- How'd you figure that out?|- You raised me to know,John Henry!
I taught you what to do when the snow|comes, how to survive in a blizzard,
and I taught you how to deal|with men, but women--
Nobody knows|what's on a woman's mind!
Well, she wants me, and when|we go home, she'll be with me!
[ Man Shouting, Indistinct ]
Anything wrong,John Henry?
Not yet!
[ Cowboy ]|Yah,yah,yah,yah.
McCartney,|give me a cup of coffee!
Never mind!|I got his coffee!
This damn cinch is|pretty near cut in half!
[ Hoofbeats Approaching ]
Man's coming,John Henry!
From Colonel Langdon, sir!|I'm to wait for an answer!
We're in a new camp waiting|for an escort from Maximilian!
There's a map on the other side!|What's the matter?
Ain't you Yanks|ever seen a live one before?
Last time I seen a pretty|gray uniform like that,
it was all full of holes!
- Do you know what's in this, Sergeant?|- Of course I know!
There must've been a few words|in that camp before the colonel|sat down and wrote this out!
Yes, sir! A lot of words!|I thought Captain Anderson|was gonna have apoplexy!
And how about you personally,|Sergeant! What do you think about it?
Well, it ought|to be right interesting!
- Anything wrong,John Henry?|- You won't believe it,
but we've been invited|to a Fourth ofJuly party!
[ Thomas ]|We'll be on our best manners today!
- Glad you could join us!|- [ Thomas ] Thank you, Colonel,|for inviting us.
First time we've ever been invited|to a Confederate shindig!
Well, I'm not surprised,|all things considered! Get down!
- Thank you!|- Get down, all of ya!
Well, we didn't intend|to interrupt the festivities!
Well, what are y'all lookin' at? You|ever seen a Yankee before? Just people!
Start playin'! Captain!
- Sir!|- See that Colonel Thomas|and his men are taken care of!
- Sir, I--|- They're our guests, Captain!|Make sure they enjoy themselves!
Yes, sir! Wilkes!
I'm feelin' a little dry, Colonel!|Would you care to join me,|or don't you indulge?
Where's the sergeant?|I'll risk it!
- [ Laughs ] Follow me!|- Thank you!
You Yankee boys hungry? The captain|appointed me to tend to you!
There's a mess of beans|and ham up yonder, and there's|some coffee and grits too!
- Grits?|- I wouldn't touch 'em!
- Why not?|- Might be unclean!
- Well, it will be a change in cooking!|- I'll drink to that!
- Make yourself at home!|I'll be right with you!|- Thank you!
- Mrs! Langdon!|- Mr! Thomas!
That's a mighty attractive dress!|French, isn't it?
Yes! I bought it|in New Orleans before the war!
Seldom had occasion|to wear it since!
You surprise me, Mr! Thomas!
You have knowledge|of ladies' fashions?
Well, I was once married, and I have|knowledge of the cost of such things!
- Here you are, sir!|A little sippin' liquor!|- Ohh!
- Good!|- Somewhat finer|than what the sergeant provides!
[ Chuckles ]
May you be in heaven half an hour|before the devil knows you're dead!
- To your health!|-Jimmy!
- Excuse me, Colonel Thomas!|- Certainly!
Cousin Cora and that Sam-- Well,|they're havin' another go-around!
- Oh, shoot!|- Would you excuse us, please?
- Of course!|- Colonel, here! Help yourself!
- You said that you were|once married, Mr! Thomas!|- Yes, ma'am!
But lucky for me,|she left me!
I must say, Mr! Thomas,|that whatever your faults are,
you do have a quaint kind|of honesty!
Well, she was so busy being a lady|that she forgot to be a woman!
It was Indian country,|and she didn't like that.
It was cold in the winter, hot in the|summer and dusty in the dry spells,
and she didn't like that!
And when I wanna go huntin' and|fishin', I go huntin' and fishin',
and she didn't like that.
And I wanted children, and|she didn't like that either!
- She didn't like much, did she?|- She's happy now, I guess!
She's living in Philadelphia|with her cat, givin' piano lessons!
[ Chuckles ]|Won't you sit down, Mr! Thomas?
Thank you!
Is that Indian boy|really your adopted son?
Yes, but I'm as proud of him|as if he were my own blood!
-[ Fiddling Resumes ]|- Charlotte?
- How old are you?|- Sixteen!
Nobody ever looked at me|the way you do!
-[ Wilkes ] Charlotte!|- Oh, I'm gonna kill that Bubba Wilkes!
Why are you afraid|to have someone see me kiss you?
Because-- Because|what I feel is private!
I've never|felt like this before,
and I want to keep it.
I want to keep it|just like it is!
-[ Continues ]|- Charlotte!
I believe|you promised me the next set!
- They bitin'?|- No!
Maybe you ain't|holdin' your mouth right!
My name's Hughlock Mudlow!|How are you fellas today?
Say, you wouldn't happen to have|a little jug of whiskey on you?
They won't give me one! They won't talk|to me 'cause I wouldn't join their army!
- Well, why wouldn't you join the army?|- I didn't wanna get shot!
- [ Spits ]|- Sure glad you fellas came over|here today though!
I ain't had nobody|to talk to in--
- Hey!|-[ Cowboy ] Yah!
[ Men Shouting, Indistinct ]
[ Men Shouting, Indistinct ]
!!!two, three!
- Get him!|- [ Men Shouting, Indistinct ]
- Y'all don't have to ask me twice!|- Here goes another one!
[ Indistinct Chattering ]
- One, two, three!|- Come on, boy!
- Any more takers?|- You made your point,|BobbyJoe! Let it go!
Begging|the colonel's pardon!
You know, we got an Arkansas|razorback that's just whupped|everybody in our outfit!
Well, me and the boys was|just wonderin' if maybe you had|somebody might could take him!
Are you speaking of the manly|art of self-defense, Sergeant?
Yes, sir! I'm here to tell ya!|Root, hog or die-- no holds barred!
John Henry, it wasn't my idea!|Trot him out!
- Little George never lost a fight!|- Little George?
- He'd better have some meat on him!|- You sure about this, BobbyJoe?
- Trot him out!|- Well, go get him, Newby!
Ring around the rosies|a pocket full of posies
Ashes, ashes we all fall down
[ All Chuckling ]
Tell me it ain't|what I think it is!
I can't fight!|I'm tired of hurtin' people!
This time, you gotta fight! You've|got to uphold the honor of the outfit!
I can't!
Them blue bellies|called you yellow!
You know I ain't no coward!
You young 'uns,|you go on and play! Go on!
[ Children ] Ring around the rosies|a pocket full of posies
Ashes, ashes we all fall down
- You wait right here!|Get you out of that blouse!|- Yes, Sergeant!
Well, gentlemen, here he is!
[ Onlookers Murmuring ]
- You sure you wanna|go through with this?|- Biggest Reb I ever saw!
[ Thomas ]|He's the biggest anything I ever saw.
Here!|I'll write your folks!
Huh? Oh!
I'm right proud to meet ya!|I'm Little George!
[ Onlookers Shouting, Indistinct ]
- Get him, BobbyJoe! He ain't tough!|- He ain't?
This is fun, isn't it?
[ Shouting Continues ]
- Your man there is no coward!|- But he's outnumbered!
- [ Growls ]|- [ Man Whoops ]
[ Indistinct Shouting ]
Get in there, Yank!|[ Laughing Hysterically ]
[ Yells ]
- No, it's me!|- Oh!
Damn grits!
Well, it was bound to happen!
Bound to!
- I sure don't feel much like it!|- No! Me neither!
- [ Man ] Go get him!|-Just one fool thing after another!
Yep! It sure is!
[ Yells ]
Jimmy, can't you stop this?
Stop what?|It just started!
[ Grumbles ]
- [ Yells ]|-[ Yells ]
[ Yells ]
Thanks,John Henry!
- Well, now, I wouldn't call that|exactly fair, would you?|- No, I wouldn't!
- Oh, excuse me, sir! Ooh!|- Nice party,John Henry.
-Jimmy, this is ridiculous!|It's gone far enough!|- Ohh!
- Somebody ought to stop them!|- Not without takin' a lump, ma'am!
All right then!
Get him, Buster!
Hey, Newby,|will you look at Bubba?
Lieutenant Wilkes! Lieutenant!
Lieutenant Wilkes, is this|any conduct becoming an officer?
No, sir!
Well, now, Colonel Thomas,|would you care to make this unanimous?
With pleasure, Colonel Langdon!
- [ Gunshots ]|- [ Horses Whinnying ]
[ Gunshots ]
Well, now, why'd you want|to do a thing like that?
I want this stopped!|I want this stopped now!
Well, that's civilization for you!
Not like Philadelphia!
- Huh?|- Nothing!
Oh, uh, Colonel,|Sergeant's got a barrel full!
Well, thank you, Colonel!|You've been a perfect host!
I've always heard|of Southern hospitality! Now|my men understand what it means!
Well, I thought my men'd|do better, Colonel, seein' as how!!!
this is the first time in years|we had you Yankees outnumbered!
Y'all come back, hear?
Windage and elevation,|Mrs! Langdon!
Always remember:|windage and elevation.
- You suppose bandits done it?|- Bandits'd have stripped 'em!
More'n likelyJuaristas!
I want one man to go back|to those Southerners and tell 'em!!!
to forget their escort|from Maximilian.
This is it!
I might've known it'd be him!
He's been actin' kind of|peculiar lately,John Henry!
- Figure he's sick?|- Yeah!
There'll be no escort from Maximilian!|John Henry sent me to tell you!
- How does he know that?|- We ran across them four,|five miles south of here!
They're dead!John Henry|thinks theJuaristas did it!
- I see!|- Colonel, you're not|gonna believe that, are ya?
- Why should I not?|- Why would those Yankees bother|to send us word of anything?
- It just doesn't make sense!|- What reason would I have|in coming to you with a lie?
Yes, Captain, what reason?
It's late, son!|You may as well stay the night!
- Thank you, sir!|- Margaret, Ann? Set another place!
This young man's|joining us for supper!
[ Mouthing Words ]
-[ Langdon ] Captain Anderson?|-[ Anderson ] Sir?
- [ Crashing ]|- Double the night pickets|from here on in, Captain!
During the day, I want two men|ahead of the column, two men at|the rear and two on each flank!
Yes, sir!
- Good night, Captain!|- Good night, sir!
- Corporal?|- Yes, sir?
Jimmy, how far are we|from Durango?
Three days!
You know, I-- I've been thinkin'|an awful lot about home!
I have too, Maggie!!!
and my home is you!
[ Horse Whinnies, Distant ]
I knew it would be nice!
Why'd you ask me how old I am?|Do you care?
No! I'm glad you're young!
It gives us more time|to be together!
Oh, I'll always be young|if I always feel the way I do now!
When we go back to the Territory,|you'll be with me!
Take me now!!! tonight!
[ Charlotte ] Oh!
- [ Gasps ]|- You go to bed!
- [ Grunts ]|- Please, don't hit him!
Stop it!
[ Gasping ]
[ Horses Whinnying ]
- So Doc says, ''Sorry, partner,|you're gonna die!''|- [ All Laughing ]
[ Fiddle:Folk ]
Them ''hor-dorv-rees'' was mighty fine,|Mr! McCartney, but for my trimmings,
- I'd like a Kansas City steak,|well done!|- You go to hell!
John Henry, you ever hear|about that gal in St! Louis?|She had the dangedest itch--
- Shut up!|-[ Fiddling Stops ]
We're comin' down to the end|of it now! We've lost 500 horses|between here and the border,
and I don't think|that's very funny!
We lose any more, and somebody's|gonna be damned uncomfortable!
You know what?|I thinkJohn Henry's scared!
How 'bout some coffee?
- Kind of worried about him, ain't ya?|- Who?
Well, you're the worst liar|I ever came across,John Henry!|Blue Boy, that's who!
Well, he should've caught up|with us three days ago!
You don't reckon|he come across bandits, do you?
No, I think|he's too smart for that!
You know what I'd be|thinkin' if I was you?
I'd be thinkin' he made off|with that little Reb gal!
And I'd be thinkin' that he was just|about to the Rio Grande by this time!
Well, that's what|I been thinkin'!
Ah, he wouldn't do that!
Nah, he wouldn't do that!|Thanks, Short Grub!
- I've changed my mind!|- Oh-- Oh!
- Good morning!|- Good morning!
- Well, here they are! You ready for it?|- We're all set to make the count!
- Good!|- Did you encounter|any trouble along the way?
Well, nothing to speak of!
Well, we're here, and the horses|are here! How about that money?
Oh, it's coming!!! by special courier|with a troop of the emperor's cavalry!
- He is most appreciative!|- Well, how soon is|that special courier due?
- Any day! Shall we make the count?|- Why not?
[ Horses Whinnying ]
[ Speaking Spanish ]
2,505 horses!|I am surprised, Mr! Thomas!
- How's that?|- Well, I thought you would|lose more on a long trip like that!
Well, I had an understanding|with my men!
- I asked 'em not to lose any more,|and they didn't!|- [ Both Chuckle ]
- How long we gonna be here,John Henry?|- Till they give us the money!
My men haven't been home for four years!|We're a little anxious!
So we won't be hard to find!|We'll be right handy!
[ Man Shouting Warning In Spanish ]
[ Continues Shouting ]
[ Band Plays|''I Wish I Were In Dixie'' ]
[ Newby ]|Company, halt!
Left by twos! Ho!
My compliments, sir!
[ Stops ]
ColonelJames Langdon,|sir, Confederate States Army!
- My aide, Captain Anderson!|- General!
My name is Lazaro Rojas!
In the name of Emperor Maximilian,|I welcome you to our pueblo!
We have prepared a welcome banquet for|you and your people, Colonel Langdon!
Please, do us the honor...
of extending our invitation|to those of your party.
- Thank you very much, sir! Captain?|- Sir!
Lieutenant!|Dismount the troops!
- [ Wilkes ] Yes, sir!|Sergeant, dismount your troops!|- [ Newby ] Prepare to dismount!
- [ Newby ] Dismount!|- Ladies!
- [ Band Plays ]|- [ Chattering ]
-Saludas, uh--|-Amigas!
S, amigas!
- Thank you very much, sir!|- Salud.
Ah, salud.
[ Fanfare ]
It's all right, kids!|It's gonna be all right!
[ Murmuring ]
Consider yourselves prisoners|of the Revolution!
I shall protest this|to Emperor Maximilian, sir!
We take no orders from|Maximilian, Colonel Langdon!
Our president|is Don BenitoJuarez!
-[ Drumbeats ]|-The drums of Mexico beckon us, Colonel!
-James!|- Will you excuse us, Mrs! Langdon?
[ Drumbeats Continue ]
[ Officer Shouting Command|In Spanish ]
[ Officer Shouts Command ]
If you think you're gonna scare us with|threats, General, you underestimate us!
No, no, Colonel Langdon,|we have estimated you very well!
Aside from the men in your party,|there are 3 2 women and 1 7 children!
You are friends of Maximilian!
He has brought the French|into our country, and they|have tried to ride roughshod!!!
over our people!
Now Maximilian has brought you|Southern Americans into our country!!!
because he can no longer|get help from Napoleon!
These Frenchmen|kill the entire population!!!
of a small village,|every man, woman and child...
-butchered.|- [ Officer Shouting Commands|In Spanish ]
[ Shouting Continues ]
-Atencin! [ Shouts Command ]|- [ Drumrolls ]
[ Continues Shouting Commands ]
[ All ]|Viva! Viva! Viva! Viva!
-[ Crowd Continues Chanting ]|- That is what happens, Colonel,|to invaders of my country!
- My people are not invaders!|- You are here, and you|are friends of Maximilian!
- But we're not your enemies!|What do you want of us, General?|- Our forces need horses, Colonel!
Not far from here,|there is a herd of 3,000!
- Thomas!|- Yes!
- I'm afraid I don't|understand you, General!|- You will deliver this to Thomas!
[ Rooster Crows ]
- I'll be damned if I will!|- I believe you will, Colonel!
Our Revolution needs those horses!|BenitoJuarez needs those horses!
I'm a Confederate officer!
You can't expect me to go beggin'|those Yankees for anything!
That's in the first place, and the|second place, they wouldn't do it!
They have no reason|to care what happens to us! General,|that man Thomas would spit in my face!
You will do as I say,|or you will all be shot!
I'm not askin' any Yankee|for anything!
Very well!
- [ Officer Shouts Commands ]|- [ Drumrolls ]
[ Shouting Continues ]
[ Rifles Cock ]
[ Officer Shouts Command ]
[ Gasping ]
- I'll go!|- [ Shouts In Spanish ]
You will have the horses|in this place by noon tomorrow!!!
or you will all be shot!
[ Snoring ]
-[ Child Coughs ]|- [ Snoring Continues ]
[ Mexican Soldiers Laughing,|Whooping, Shouting ]
[ Soldiers Talking In Spanish ]
[ Talking Ceases ]
[ All Grunting ]
[ Soldiers Laughing ]
[ Gasping, Crying ]
Don't leave me!|Please! Don't ever leave me!
All right! Get up! Get up!|Two Toes has dug up something!
- [ All Grumbling ]|- Come on! Get up!
- Mr!John Henry?|- Yeah?
Uh, we got company!
-[ Hoofbeats Approaching ]|- Thank you, Mr! McCartney!
[ All Groaning ]
- [ Thomas ] What's all this?|- We found this man!
Found me?|You trapped me, you--
Here, untie him!
- [ Chuckling ] I told you|that uniform'd get you in trouble!|- Yeah!
- Mr! McCartney,|you got the coffee ready?|-All ready.
Good morning!
- Bonjour.|- Buenos das.
- Wake ya up?|- Ah!
Get a little coffee in ya|and settle down,
you can tell us what|it's all about!
I was given no choice!|That's why I'm here!
My family, they're all|gonna be murdered!
All of my people|are in his hands!
When we reached Durango,|they--
they gave us a party|and then they tricked us!
My people are prisoners|of a Juarista general!
I didn't want to come here.|I didn't want to cause you people any--
Aw, damn it! Here!|Read this!
General Rojas|is more eloquent than I am!
What does it say,|John Henry?
- That's good coffee! Thank you!|- You really think so?
Well!!! it's your game!
How do you wanna play it?
John Henry, we been dealt lots of tough|hands since the summer of'61 !
Here's one I wish we could pass!
- This don't leave us nothin'!|- We ain't never had nothin' nohow!
Wait a minute, BobbyJoe!|You mean you're willin' to give up|them horses to them Johnny Rebs?
[ BobbyJoe ] Well, I ain't|no Christian, but my mama was.
John Henry, remember|when I lost my horse!!!
- up there at Pittsburgh Landing?|- Yeah!
There I was without a horse, behind|that log and them Rebs was all over me,
but there was one|didn't have no gun!
Remember me telling you about that one|come crawlin'up to me behind that log?
Yeah, but what's that|got to do with this?
Well, this Reb, he said he was|all tuckered out and he wanted|to give himself up!
- So I told him to get the hell on|outta there! I didn't want him!|- [ Chuckles ]
- You know what he said to me?|- No!
- ''You got me whether you|want me or not!'' [ Laughs ]|- [ Laughs ]
All right!
Looks like you're|stuck with us!
John Henry, I--
- If we have to get there by noon,|we better-- Where's that--|-[ Departing Hoofbeats ]
Short Grub, you better throw|a couple of outriders in front|of the point when we get started!
- Yo!|- Break camp!
[ French ]|!!!Durango!
- YBenitoJuarez.|-S.
[ French ]
- Muy bien.|-Allez.
Crimeny sakes! Those Frenchies|have really found some help!
I thought we'd run away|from all that!
What about it,John Henry?
Looks like we got ourselves|mixed up in somebody else's war!
[ Man ]|Yeah, it sure does.
- What are we gonna do now?|- Well, that's already been decided!
[ Thomas ]|Bring the two chuck wagons up here|and fill 'em full of men and rifles.
I'll get 'em!
We'll give 'em a taste|of General Sherman's war!
I remember!
[ Shouting Orders In French ]
They're gettin' a little close,|ain't they,John Henry?
- You ready, Colonel?|- Ready!
Break to the sides!|Turn 'em loose, McCartney!
Hang on, High Bred! Get out of my way!|Get up there now! Get up there now!
Short Grub, take care|of High Bred for me!
I said a lot of mean words|to the boys, ain't I?
- You sure have, McCartney!|- Mr. McCartney!
Well, you tell 'em|I meant every damn word!
You! Two steps forward! Aqu.
You! You!
And you!
You! Grandote!Aqu!!
Mudlow! My turn!
[ Spanish ] Hands back.
[ Distant Drum:March ]
[ Spanish ]
[ Spanish ]
[ Officer Shouts In Spanish ]
[ Horse Whinnies ]
[ Shouting In Spanish ]
[ Spanish ]
[ Welcoming Shouts ]
[ Laughing ]
Oh, ho!
You have completed your mission,|Colonel Langdon!
Thank you.
- Well,John Henry--|- [ Margaret ]James!
[ Stifled Sobs ]
You must be Rojas!
General Rojas!
And you must be|John Henry Thomas!
You drive a hard bargain,|General!
War is war, Colonel!|You should know that!
Yeah, ya!!!
win one!!!
ya lose one!
It is cognac, the only good thing|the French have brought to my country!
May I propose that we drink|to the health and success!!!
of my President Don BenitoJuarez,
the Revolution|and the future of Mexico!
Hear, hear!
And, General, may I propose a toast|to the United States of America!
Not even for 3,000 horses?
To the United States of America!!!
and the Confederacy!
John Henry,
what are that|Indian boy's intentions?
Probably disgraceful, Colonel!
But it's not what he'll do to her,|it's what she's done to him!
[ Both Laugh ]
[ Both Laugh ]
It ain't much like|old times, Colonel!
No, it ain't much like|old times, Mr! Newby!
What do you plan on doin'|once we get back home?
Well, the only place a man can raise|more hell than he can in a war!!!
is on the floor of|the House of Representatives!
An old friend of mine once told me|people like to vote for heroes!
So, I guess that's what I'll do!
That team workin' out all right?
You goin' back to the|Oklahoma Territory, Mr! Thomas?
Yes, ma'am,just as fast|as I can get there!
- There many women out there?|- Some!
Good country, I suppose!
From the Missouri|to the Pacific Ocean!
Mostly good land|for farming and!!!
- raising cattle and!!!|raising a family!|- [ Harmonica: ''Dixie'' ]
Are you gonna raise a family?
Well, I, uh--
- Solomon, can't you play|any other tune?|- Sure, boss!
- [ ''Battle Hymn OfThe Republic'' ]|- That neither, Yank!
[ ''Yankee Doodle'' ]
[ Spits ]|Sure do miss Mr! McCartney!
- Yeah, but not his cookin'!|- No, me neither!
Put a feather in his hat|and called it macaroni