Thicker Than Water (1935) Movie Script
Are you going to eat your pie?
- Or can I...
- You've had two pieces of pie.
Incidentally, when are you going
to pay me for your board and room?
I gave it to him.
- Why?
- He said he was boss, now.
He did?
Don't get sore.
I was only kidding.
From now on, you only pay me.
Well...
We've got to be running along.
Come on Stanley.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye.
- Where do you think you're going?
- We're going to the ball game.
You're going to the ball game.
We businessmen have
to relax some time, don't we?
We certainly do.
If you want to relax, you can
stay home and wash these dishes.
- What do you mean "wash the dishes"?
- Yeah, what will his friends think?
You keep out of this.
You stay home.
Come on, the dishes.
- I'll be seeing you.
- No you don't!
If I have to stay and wash
the dishes, he's going to dry them.
I don't care who does what.
But you won't leave me
here washing the dishes alone.
After we get through,
can we go to the ball game?
You can do what you like.
Thank you, honey.
Mrs. Hardy.
Get me the dish pan.
Over there.
Get me the soap powder.
Don't forget to rinse them off.
Get out of the way.
Pull out that board.
Don't keep handing them to me.
When you get it dry,
put it in a nice dry place.
Now we're getting someplace.
You open the cupboard.
I'll put that away.
See who that is.
- Is Mr. Hardy home?
- Yes, but he's not in.
What's the matter with you.
Too lazy to answer the door?
- Good afternoon, Mr. Finlayson.
- Good afternoon.
- What's the idea?
- I'm collecting the furniture payment.
It was paid yesterday.
Steady, woman.
Not to me, it wasn't.
- Oliver!
- Yes, baby, I'm coming.
Oliver, there must be some mistake.
Did I or did I not give you
the money to pay on the furniture?
- You certainly did.
- Then why wasn't it paid?
I gave it to him to pay it for me.
- What did you do with it?
- I gave it back to him.
You gave it to me?
Yeah, I gave it to you
to pay my room and board.
Then you gave it to her.
"Recommember"?
You mean the money that he gave
to you that you gave to him
that he gave to me, was the same
money I gave to him to pay him?
If that was the money you gave him
to give me to pay to him
it must've been the money that I gave
him to give to you to pay my rent.
- Mr. Finlayson, I owe you an apology.
- And 37 dollars.
Then this money must belong to you.
Next time, I want my
payment without any detour.
He gave it to him and he gave it
to you and who give it to what.
You're all nuts!
You big dumb-bell.
I can't trust you to do a thing.
And as for you.
I've a good mind to throw you out.
- You can't do it.
- I can't do it!
No, because I paid my room
and board in advance.
And I gave it to him.
What do you mean
"you gave it to me"?
That was the money
that she gave to me
and I gave it to you to give to him
then you gave it back
to me and I had to give it to her
to give to him.
Was the the money that she gave
to him that I gave to you
- to give to...
- Certainly.
Well if she wants to give it
to him that's her business.
- No use you and I arguing about it.
- Cut it out!
What humiliation.
Creditors hounding me
at my very fire-side.
- You know what?
- What?
I've got an idea.
Let's hear it.
How much money have you
and your wife got in the bank?
Well, if it's any of your business,
we have a joint account
of 300 dollars. Why?
Why don't you draw the money out
of the bank
pay off the furniture
and own it outright?
You wouldn't have
any interest to pay.
And you wouldn't have any hounds
in your fireplace.
- That's a good idea.
- I'm glad you like it.
- Honey?
- What is it?
- Stanley's got a great idea.
- What now.
He said we should draw
our money out of the bank
- and pay the furniture off.
- We'll do nothing of the kind.
That money stays right where it is.
Listen, tumbleweed, from now on,
you mind your own business.
"Draw the money out of the bank",
the very idea!
I've come to the conclusion
you haven't an ounce of brain.
- You let her talk to you like that?
- Certainly not.
I don't blame you.
She talks
to you like water off a duck's back.
If she was my wife, I'd draw out
of the bank and buy some furniture.
Stanley, you're absolutely right.
I'll learn her.
Come on.
- You know where the bank is?
- Certainly.
300 dollars.
- That's a lot of money.
- It sure is.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this beautifuI antique is
worth 25 hundred dollars.
You're asking me to give it away
for 150 dollars?
155, thank you sir,
you won't regret it.
155 for the beautifuI antique clock.
At last we get something for nothing.
- 160.
- 160 dollars. Do I hear any more?
160 dollars
for this beautifuI antique clock.
Gentlemen, step right up.
We're giving things away today.
There's plenty
of seats right in front here.
200 dollars.
Don't let this stop at 200 dollars.
- 200 dollars once...
- 205.
- 205, 205!
- 210.
- 210!
- 225 dollars.
- 225 dollars!
- 230.
230 dollars once...!
- Just a minute.
- Take your time.
Please, will you do me favor?
My heart is set on having that clock.
But I've left my money at home.
Will you keep the bidding open untiI
I go home and get my money?
Don't let anyone have it.
I'll pay you well for your trouble.
Being a true southerner,
chivalry is my middle name
to say nothing about hospitality.
230 dollars!
Do I hear any more?
- 230 dollar going once...!
- 235.
Thank you.
I'll be back in a minute.
235 once, 235 going twice!
Third and last call!
- 240 dollars.
- 240 dollars!
Do I hear any more?
240 dollars.
- 245.
- 245 dollars!
- 250.
- 250 dollars!
- 255.
- 255!
- 260.
- 260!
- 265.
- 265!
- 270.
- 270!
270... What are you bidding
against me for?
You're bidding against me.
- 275!
- 280.
- 280!
- 285.
- 285!
- 290.
290! 290!
Sold to the jolly gentleman
for 290 dollars.
Thank you.
Folks,
that concludes the sale for today.
You!
Come pay your money
and take you clock out of here.
Pardon me just a moment.
I beg your pardon sir,
but you don't understand.
I wasn't bidding for myself.
I was bidding for a lady
and she went home
to get her money.
Yeah? Well, you did the bidding
and you'll do the paying.
- Boss.
- Yes.
- What is it?
- He bought a clock and won't pay.
Is that so?
We've got a reaI...
I'll handle this.
I've had trouble
with these birds before.
You pay this money that you
bid or I'll call the cops!
You take that clock and get out
of here!
"You gave it to him and he gave it
to me and I"...
Get out!
Get out!
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mrs. Hardy.
I wonder if you'll do me a favor. I
have a joint account with my husband
and I'd like to fix it that nobody
can draw the money out but me.
I'd be glad to do it for you
- but you husband was here just now.
- Very nice, thank you.
What?
Did he take the money?
Yes, ma'am.
All of it.
He closed the account.
- Ollie.
- What?
Let's put it down a minute.
- Mr. Finlayson.
- Yes?
- Have you seen my husband?
- He was here a while ago.
Thank goodness for that.
Did he pay you for the furniture?
No.
What was he doing here?
- He bought a grandfather's clock.
- A clock?
- What for?
- For 290 dollars. That's what for.
Here's another nice kettle of fish
you've pickled me in.
What will you tell her
about the clock?
I'll tell her nothing.
I'll keep everything in the dark.
And if you keep your mouth shut,
nobody will be the wiser.
Hello, honey.
- What's the matter?
- Where's the clock?
- What clock?
- The clock you paid 290 dollars for.
Why that's ridiculous.
Where would I get 290 dollars?
Where's that clock?
I don't know. He said
he would keep it in the dark.
And if I didn't keep my mouth shut
then nobody would be the wiser.
Why didn't you keep your trap shut?
Give me that chair.
- Are you cooking something?
- Yes, I'll cook his goose!
Taking my money out of the bank.
I'll give him clocks.
You can go in. The second room
on the right corridor.
Thank you.
- Good morning, Mr. LaureI.
- Good morning.
- How is Mr. Hardy.
- I believe he's convalescing.
Okay. I'll wait untiI he gets through.
I'll sit over here.
Get Mr. LaureI on the phone.
- Have him down here at once.
- That's Mr. LaureI there.
Good. We need you.
Right this way.
I regret to inform you that
Mr. Hardy has had a relapse.
I find it necessary
to give him a blood transfusion.
Mr. Hardy has suggested that you,
being his best friend would be pleased
- to let us take the blood from you.
- How do you mean?
We take some of your blood
and transfer it to Mr. Hardy.
To give him strength
and make him well.
What do you think I am,
a blood-worm?
- Nurse?
- Yes, sir.
Take Mr. LaureI upstairs.
Prepare him for the operation.
- Right this way.
- Wait a minute.
Do I have to take my hat off?.
I'm afraid!
- Ready, nurse?
- Ready, doctor.
Open the valve.
- Doctor! Look!
- Close the valve, quickly!
- It won't work.
- It must. Try it again.
Get the doctor.
- Doctor, that LaureI and Hardy case.
- What's the matter?
Mr. LaureI has passed out.
- We've taken too much blood.
- Reverse the operation.
Take some from Mr. Hardy
and give it to Mr. LaureI!
But that'll get them all mixed up.
What difference does it make.
Do what I tell you!
Yes, sir.
They come to me for everything.
Come on!
Well, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.
Well, I couldn't help it.
The doctor sent me upstairs
to get a blood transfusion and
I look like you and you look like me
- now I don't know what to do.
- Shut up and come on!
Goodbye, Mr. Hardy.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Mr. LaureI.
Goodbye, my dear madam.
Wait a minute, I forgot something.
- Or can I...
- You've had two pieces of pie.
Incidentally, when are you going
to pay me for your board and room?
I gave it to him.
- Why?
- He said he was boss, now.
He did?
Don't get sore.
I was only kidding.
From now on, you only pay me.
Well...
We've got to be running along.
Come on Stanley.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye.
- Where do you think you're going?
- We're going to the ball game.
You're going to the ball game.
We businessmen have
to relax some time, don't we?
We certainly do.
If you want to relax, you can
stay home and wash these dishes.
- What do you mean "wash the dishes"?
- Yeah, what will his friends think?
You keep out of this.
You stay home.
Come on, the dishes.
- I'll be seeing you.
- No you don't!
If I have to stay and wash
the dishes, he's going to dry them.
I don't care who does what.
But you won't leave me
here washing the dishes alone.
After we get through,
can we go to the ball game?
You can do what you like.
Thank you, honey.
Mrs. Hardy.
Get me the dish pan.
Over there.
Get me the soap powder.
Don't forget to rinse them off.
Get out of the way.
Pull out that board.
Don't keep handing them to me.
When you get it dry,
put it in a nice dry place.
Now we're getting someplace.
You open the cupboard.
I'll put that away.
See who that is.
- Is Mr. Hardy home?
- Yes, but he's not in.
What's the matter with you.
Too lazy to answer the door?
- Good afternoon, Mr. Finlayson.
- Good afternoon.
- What's the idea?
- I'm collecting the furniture payment.
It was paid yesterday.
Steady, woman.
Not to me, it wasn't.
- Oliver!
- Yes, baby, I'm coming.
Oliver, there must be some mistake.
Did I or did I not give you
the money to pay on the furniture?
- You certainly did.
- Then why wasn't it paid?
I gave it to him to pay it for me.
- What did you do with it?
- I gave it back to him.
You gave it to me?
Yeah, I gave it to you
to pay my room and board.
Then you gave it to her.
"Recommember"?
You mean the money that he gave
to you that you gave to him
that he gave to me, was the same
money I gave to him to pay him?
If that was the money you gave him
to give me to pay to him
it must've been the money that I gave
him to give to you to pay my rent.
- Mr. Finlayson, I owe you an apology.
- And 37 dollars.
Then this money must belong to you.
Next time, I want my
payment without any detour.
He gave it to him and he gave it
to you and who give it to what.
You're all nuts!
You big dumb-bell.
I can't trust you to do a thing.
And as for you.
I've a good mind to throw you out.
- You can't do it.
- I can't do it!
No, because I paid my room
and board in advance.
And I gave it to him.
What do you mean
"you gave it to me"?
That was the money
that she gave to me
and I gave it to you to give to him
then you gave it back
to me and I had to give it to her
to give to him.
Was the the money that she gave
to him that I gave to you
- to give to...
- Certainly.
Well if she wants to give it
to him that's her business.
- No use you and I arguing about it.
- Cut it out!
What humiliation.
Creditors hounding me
at my very fire-side.
- You know what?
- What?
I've got an idea.
Let's hear it.
How much money have you
and your wife got in the bank?
Well, if it's any of your business,
we have a joint account
of 300 dollars. Why?
Why don't you draw the money out
of the bank
pay off the furniture
and own it outright?
You wouldn't have
any interest to pay.
And you wouldn't have any hounds
in your fireplace.
- That's a good idea.
- I'm glad you like it.
- Honey?
- What is it?
- Stanley's got a great idea.
- What now.
He said we should draw
our money out of the bank
- and pay the furniture off.
- We'll do nothing of the kind.
That money stays right where it is.
Listen, tumbleweed, from now on,
you mind your own business.
"Draw the money out of the bank",
the very idea!
I've come to the conclusion
you haven't an ounce of brain.
- You let her talk to you like that?
- Certainly not.
I don't blame you.
She talks
to you like water off a duck's back.
If she was my wife, I'd draw out
of the bank and buy some furniture.
Stanley, you're absolutely right.
I'll learn her.
Come on.
- You know where the bank is?
- Certainly.
300 dollars.
- That's a lot of money.
- It sure is.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this beautifuI antique is
worth 25 hundred dollars.
You're asking me to give it away
for 150 dollars?
155, thank you sir,
you won't regret it.
155 for the beautifuI antique clock.
At last we get something for nothing.
- 160.
- 160 dollars. Do I hear any more?
160 dollars
for this beautifuI antique clock.
Gentlemen, step right up.
We're giving things away today.
There's plenty
of seats right in front here.
200 dollars.
Don't let this stop at 200 dollars.
- 200 dollars once...
- 205.
- 205, 205!
- 210.
- 210!
- 225 dollars.
- 225 dollars!
- 230.
230 dollars once...!
- Just a minute.
- Take your time.
Please, will you do me favor?
My heart is set on having that clock.
But I've left my money at home.
Will you keep the bidding open untiI
I go home and get my money?
Don't let anyone have it.
I'll pay you well for your trouble.
Being a true southerner,
chivalry is my middle name
to say nothing about hospitality.
230 dollars!
Do I hear any more?
- 230 dollar going once...!
- 235.
Thank you.
I'll be back in a minute.
235 once, 235 going twice!
Third and last call!
- 240 dollars.
- 240 dollars!
Do I hear any more?
240 dollars.
- 245.
- 245 dollars!
- 250.
- 250 dollars!
- 255.
- 255!
- 260.
- 260!
- 265.
- 265!
- 270.
- 270!
270... What are you bidding
against me for?
You're bidding against me.
- 275!
- 280.
- 280!
- 285.
- 285!
- 290.
290! 290!
Sold to the jolly gentleman
for 290 dollars.
Thank you.
Folks,
that concludes the sale for today.
You!
Come pay your money
and take you clock out of here.
Pardon me just a moment.
I beg your pardon sir,
but you don't understand.
I wasn't bidding for myself.
I was bidding for a lady
and she went home
to get her money.
Yeah? Well, you did the bidding
and you'll do the paying.
- Boss.
- Yes.
- What is it?
- He bought a clock and won't pay.
Is that so?
We've got a reaI...
I'll handle this.
I've had trouble
with these birds before.
You pay this money that you
bid or I'll call the cops!
You take that clock and get out
of here!
"You gave it to him and he gave it
to me and I"...
Get out!
Get out!
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mrs. Hardy.
I wonder if you'll do me a favor. I
have a joint account with my husband
and I'd like to fix it that nobody
can draw the money out but me.
I'd be glad to do it for you
- but you husband was here just now.
- Very nice, thank you.
What?
Did he take the money?
Yes, ma'am.
All of it.
He closed the account.
- Ollie.
- What?
Let's put it down a minute.
- Mr. Finlayson.
- Yes?
- Have you seen my husband?
- He was here a while ago.
Thank goodness for that.
Did he pay you for the furniture?
No.
What was he doing here?
- He bought a grandfather's clock.
- A clock?
- What for?
- For 290 dollars. That's what for.
Here's another nice kettle of fish
you've pickled me in.
What will you tell her
about the clock?
I'll tell her nothing.
I'll keep everything in the dark.
And if you keep your mouth shut,
nobody will be the wiser.
Hello, honey.
- What's the matter?
- Where's the clock?
- What clock?
- The clock you paid 290 dollars for.
Why that's ridiculous.
Where would I get 290 dollars?
Where's that clock?
I don't know. He said
he would keep it in the dark.
And if I didn't keep my mouth shut
then nobody would be the wiser.
Why didn't you keep your trap shut?
Give me that chair.
- Are you cooking something?
- Yes, I'll cook his goose!
Taking my money out of the bank.
I'll give him clocks.
You can go in. The second room
on the right corridor.
Thank you.
- Good morning, Mr. LaureI.
- Good morning.
- How is Mr. Hardy.
- I believe he's convalescing.
Okay. I'll wait untiI he gets through.
I'll sit over here.
Get Mr. LaureI on the phone.
- Have him down here at once.
- That's Mr. LaureI there.
Good. We need you.
Right this way.
I regret to inform you that
Mr. Hardy has had a relapse.
I find it necessary
to give him a blood transfusion.
Mr. Hardy has suggested that you,
being his best friend would be pleased
- to let us take the blood from you.
- How do you mean?
We take some of your blood
and transfer it to Mr. Hardy.
To give him strength
and make him well.
What do you think I am,
a blood-worm?
- Nurse?
- Yes, sir.
Take Mr. LaureI upstairs.
Prepare him for the operation.
- Right this way.
- Wait a minute.
Do I have to take my hat off?.
I'm afraid!
- Ready, nurse?
- Ready, doctor.
Open the valve.
- Doctor! Look!
- Close the valve, quickly!
- It won't work.
- It must. Try it again.
Get the doctor.
- Doctor, that LaureI and Hardy case.
- What's the matter?
Mr. LaureI has passed out.
- We've taken too much blood.
- Reverse the operation.
Take some from Mr. Hardy
and give it to Mr. LaureI!
But that'll get them all mixed up.
What difference does it make.
Do what I tell you!
Yes, sir.
They come to me for everything.
Come on!
Well, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.
Well, I couldn't help it.
The doctor sent me upstairs
to get a blood transfusion and
I look like you and you look like me
- now I don't know what to do.
- Shut up and come on!
Goodbye, Mr. Hardy.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Mr. LaureI.
Goodbye, my dear madam.
Wait a minute, I forgot something.