Tuhog (2001) Movie Script

Thank you.
Thank you and welcome,
ladies and gentlemen...
...to the 34th Annual Convention...
...of the American Motion
Upholstery Association.
Thank you.
Wasn't lunch wonderful?
Perfect. As you know...
...this year's not been
an easy one for our industry.
As we're listening to our inspiring
keynote speaker today...
...he'll be giving us a useful shot in the arm.
He is the author of the book Get Over lt...
...a rising star in the field
of personal motivation.
Yes, Mom.
I will. On time.
No, okay, but I've got be on time, now,
for my introduction.
Please don't call during the speech.
as we listen to his inspiring words...
...that motion is our middle name.
And forward motion is our goal.
I'm glad you're gonna
get to know Jack Cochran.
I'm over it.
Hello. Thank you. Thank you, John.
My father died before I was born...
...trying to save a child
drowning in icy water.
And it took me a long time
before I stopped resenting that.
Finally I did.
...I was able to get over it.
And when I did...
...I found out...
...a lot of things...
...about me...
...that were neat.
Neat things that I wanted to
share with other people...
...who maybe didn't know
some neat things about themselves.
Now, I see some people out here
looking just confused as heck.
Now, here's somebody here
who's just bored to tears.
Don't tell him I'm gonna look at his nametag.
Richie, I caught you!
I caught him. Richie's here
building a pyramid of sugar cubes.
You made a nice pyramid.
You have good ideas.
You want to do things, you're motivated.
That's okay.
But wouldn't you rather
work with people than with sugar cubes?
Don't think about it too much. Come here.
Come on, help me out here.
Who else we got here? Who's this?
Joe, stand up. Come on here.
You're a big guy.
Looks like a hip cat, right? Who else?
Come here, you.
You're a big drink of water. Get over here.
Careful, everybody.
Are you supposed to be in a parade, later?
Nice outfit. Lookin' great.
Would you mind getting down
on your hands and knees?
Come on, make a move.
I don't have all day. Let's go.
These are busy people,
and we don't have all day.
Mike, is it?
Will you play our game? Come on.
You ever done this before?
It's a big thing in our country.
Get right up on Marion, here, okay?
Put a knee right in the middle
of Marion's back.
Come on. You're gonna love this.
Hey, come on, you.
You're a mid-size. Get over here.
Get over here, on him.
Get over here. A knee on him.
You've seen it before.
Okay, we want an itty-bitty.
Betty, come on. Let's go.
No, it's not horsy this time. No, I'm sorry.
This isn't the vacation you dreamed of.
Right over here.
Let me help you out here now.
Help me, somebody.
I'm a motivator, not a physical therapist.
Get over here.
Look, center. Come on, here. All right, now.
Come here. Help me out.
Lift her.
One, two, three.
- Is that the kind of thing you hoped for?
- Yeah.
We got men and women
working together for the same cause.
We've built something beautiful.
Let's get this over in a hurry.
Joe, come on. Pull 'em out here. All right.
Whereas my first wife, Gloria,
was a caretaker, a codependent...
...a complainer, my fiance, Celeste...
...will be a caring person, my coequal,
and a celebrator.
I'm graduating from my A, B, Cs...
...to D, E and F.
Deliberate, Eliminate, and Finish.
Jack Cochran, ladies and gentlemen.
First, on the side.
Yes, right on the side, and then the olive.
Always better if you put the parsley on first.
You see there?
- Sweetheart.
- Hi.
Change out of your suit, honey.
I stopped by your place
and got your sports jacket.
Thank you.
He is so cute.
You got three dates coming up.
You got Modesto on the 18th...
...the Wall Applications Association.
Is that anything like wallpaper?
Don't hurt me like that, okay?
I go very deep for you, Jack.
This is when he was a baby.
This was when he was in the sixth grade.
On the 21st,
the American Sand and Gravel Congress.
Now we are doubling up, because I think I
did the Grit Festival 2 months ago, didn't I?
They're not interested in your jokes.
Isn't he gorgeous?
Their entire focus is going to be
on expanding their market share.
Why don't you put your focus
on getting me some better gigs?
I got you a better gig, all right?
The Investment Strategy Summit,
New Orleans.
- That could lead to an infomercial.
- From your mouth to God's ears.
...if I may say,
I endorse this engagement fully, all right?
Without family obligations,
you're vulnerable to drift.
You are a romantic.
I'm gonna drift.
- Jack, she's wonderful.
- Great.
Jack, congratulations, you old son-of-a-gun.
- Hey, Jack, congratulations. Beautiful.
- Thank you, Moonman.
These are old.
These are magic animals, Mr. Matt.
My father made these.
Time for telegrams.
"You've only just begun.
"A kiss for luck, and you're on your way.
That's lovely!
It's from a song.
Yeah, I'm here.
"Dear Mr. Corcoran." It's for me.
"We regret to inform you
of the death of your father."
Well, this is original, anyway.
I hope nobody thought that was funny.
Hold on a second.
This says he died last month in Maryland.
That's not funny.
That's not funny at all. Here, let me...
All right, wait.
"We have been placed
in charge of his effects...
"...and rather large inheritance." We're rich.
"We recommend that you come to our offices
as soon as possible to claim same.
"Trowbridge Bowers, Attorney at Law."
- Is that true?
- No, this is just some bureaucratic bungling.
Don't worry, I'll call them tomorrow.
You don't need to call a lawyer
and tell him your husband died 40 years ago.
- I'll tell them we'll take the inheritance.
- Just let me do it, Jackie, please.
Are you all right?
Of course. I'm always all right.
You haven't called me Jackie
since I was a little kid.
Mom, you just can't say:
"Okay, maybe he hasn't been dead
all these years.
"Let's do the dishes."
- Well, what can I say?
- You can't say that.
Jackie, just calm down.
I had a dad all these years and I didn't know
it, and now that I know, I don't have one.
Jack? Why don't we go in...
Am I crazy?
I left him, Jack.
I left him, and I took you with me,
and I didn't tell him where we were going.
- Did he beat you?
- No, he didn't beat me.
- Was he a criminal?
- No, he wasn't a criminal.
Well then, tell me, Mom, what was he?
He was irresponsible!
He wouldn't hold down a job.
He kept moving us
from one place to another.
I couldn't count on a man like that
when I had a baby.
- He was irresponsible, so you killed him.
- Jack, l...
- Jack, she didn't kill him.
- She did kill him. She drowned him.
I couldn't have him influencing you.
Boys learn from their fathers.
I'll have to take your word on that.
Did I do something wrong?
Let him walk it off.
Yes, I'm on hold.
Excuse me, I'm looking for
Trowbridge Bowers, Attorney at Law.
My name is Jack Corcoran.
- Your people sent me this.
- You're him.
Mr. Bowers, it's the son.
Well, Mr. Corcoran, at last. Come in.
Nice to meet you,
under difficult circumstances, son.
Have the... brought around now.
Sit down. All right, sir.
Took a while to find you.
I know this came as a shock.
- Mr. Bowers, I never knew my father.
- Nor did I.
Heart attack.
Happened to be passing through town.
Since I represent
the facility where he was appearing...
...it fell to me to take charge...
...of his effects.
...should clarify.
My father was a giant?
We saved his nose. Here.
I had a clown for a dad?
And a very jolly one, I understand.
Traveled with a small circus.
When he passed away,
the caravan moved on.
Now, Mr. Corcoran, as to your bequest.
There's a rather substantial
dollar figure involved.
I'm over it.
How much?
Marcy, can you bring in
Mr. Corcoran's papers, please?
Thank you.
Right here, Mr. Corcoran, is the amount.
Well, thanks, Dad, for something.
- What? Do I have to sign something?
- Yes, right there.
Marcy, if you'll witness, please.
Now, forgive me for asking...
...but this a great deal of money.
How will you be paying the $35,000?
What? Wait a minute. Me, pay you?
- My fee, property damage, upkeep...
- Upkeep of a trunk?
There's the bulk of your inheritance.
I don't want it.
Why would the man leave me an elephant?
Hey, come back here!
There's your property damage.
It hates fences.
Well, I'm not paying for
what somebody's elephant does.
I'll take this.
- My dad never gave me enough toys anyway.
- I am not in the elephant business.
You ain't much of a lawyer either.
This can't be legal.
Signed and witnessed.
I was misled. I am not responsible.
And I am out of here.
You'll be hearing from my mother.
Mr. Corcoran, I love litigation.
It's out again. Get off the street.
It's yours! It's him!
It's that elephant man!
It should be in a zoo.
- Hope you got insurance, pal.
- You should both be in a zoo.
Take it out of here!
Get it out of here.
Nice town, nice people.
Move or die!
Heads up!
In the park, multiple citizen reports of
an elephant running loose...
- You're gonna have to get your elephant out.
- It's not my elephant.
I was defrauded.
I want to lodge a complaint.
Look, you weasel-faced shyster.
Come on out.
If you don't take charge of that elephant,
you're going to jail.
I've got to make speeches in Modesto,
Tampa, and New Orleans.
I've got an apartment with a no-pet clause.
I'll slap a lien on that
and garnish your fees for those speeches.
And if you don't pay me $35,000 in 14 days...
...you might as well
pitch a tent in our courtroom.
You well-dressed worm, get outta there.
Slide outta there, will you, please?
Folks in this town used to think
we hated New Yorkers more than anything.
Now they run a close second to elephants.
Not now.
It's your mommy.
Is there any way I could get back to you?
No, you don't know him. He's a new friend.
I've gotta go.
I believe your elephant likes you.
I believe you remind that elephant
of your old man.
- Didn't my father leave instructions for this?
- Ask the well-dressed worm.
Here's the will, for what it's worth.
What's its name?
My God.
He named it after my mother.
"To Jackie.
I know I haven't been the best father."
Dad, shouldn't this read,
"I've been no father at all"?
"But do me one favor, son." Sure.
"Take care of her.
"If stuck...
"...call Blockhead.
That's a nice touch.
Last words to me,
and you sign off with your initials.
"Call Blockhead."
What's that supposed to mean?
Call Vera "Blockhead"? Blockhead.
Don't get huffy, now, that was...
...Dad's sole piece of advice.
Where would you dump an elephant?
The zoo.
Yes, information?
Can I have the number of the local...
He taught you that one? Very nice little trick.
All right, wise guy, give it to me.
Give it to me.
Okay. All right.
Put it down now. Step on it.
What is your problem?
Come on. Let's go.
Wait up. Wait up there.
I saw your show.
It's not my show.
You're not the clown?
He was my...
Could you direct me to the local zoo?
You should've seen that clown get it
to do tricks with different whistles.
Find a pay phone.
The zoo's a couple of miles from here.
I don't have the space here.
My mission is small animals.
Haven't you ever seen a petting zoo before?
Is that yours? Could you get it off me?
- Johnny, shoo.
- Get off of me.
Throw something bigger.
Thank you.
Can you recommend a facility
that takes animals of this size?
$300 is what pops into my mind.
$300? That's a little steep for one night,
don't you think?
Compared to what?
Compared to the Ritz.
So, go there.
Back roads all across the country.
What a life.
And that will.
"Call Blockhead.
Hello, Mom.
I was kidnapped.
I just got off the phone
with Trowbridge Bowers.
How is Mr. Bowers?
He's wondering how you were
going to come up with $35,000.
Sell Vera for dog food.
Is that supposed to be funny?
- Mom, Vera is the elephant.
- My God.
How is that supposed to make me feel?
Mom, in the will he mentioned somebody...
...from Kansas City.
Yeah, the Human Blockhead,
Vernon Sawitsky.
The Human Blockhead?
Be home, Vernon.
Be home.
- Hello, may I speak with Vernon, please?
- Gone to bed.
Can I get a number?
I'm at area code 410, Klingman 5...
Who is this?
I'm Kirby's son.
Where am I gonna find a zoo
open at this hour?
The west coast, perhaps.
- Mo, in Elephants?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, for a second there,
you sounded like a woman.
I just got an elephant all of a sudden,
and everyone...
All the zoos say, "Talk to Mo in San Diego."
Did Terry put you up to this?
Terry tries to snake up every
elephant that comes my way.
Who's Terry?
Put that down.
Down, Vera!
My elephant just picked up a VW Bug.
I don't have time for this.
You don't? Vera!
She put it down.
My name is Jack Corcoran,
and I just inherited an elephant...
...from my father the clown,
and I was wondering...
...do you know anybody
who needs an elephant?
If you're on the level, Jack,
I happen to need one myself.
It's none of your beeswax...
...but on the 24th of this month
I'm sending a herd to Sri Lanka...
...for a gene-pool experiment.
Air Force is allowing us to piggyback
on one of their humanitarian missions.
You got a breeding-age female?
Well, I think she would have to be.
Her name is Vera.
My name's Mo.
If male elephants are anything
like male police horses, she's a female.
Look at the bottom of her foot
and tell me if it's wrinkled.
How can I look at the bottom...
If you can't, you don't have any business
being with an elephant.
I have no business being with an elephant.
Wait a second. Hold on. I know this one.
What is your problem?
Good. Okay. At ease.
It's incredibly smooth.
Excellent! Means she's young enough
to breed. Where are you?
I'm in a junkyard in Maryland.
A junkyard?
Get her out of there.
You know what? The Hilton's all booked up.
You bring her here,
I'll give you $30,000 for her.
How about this? You come here and get her,
and you give me $36,000.
- I can't go that high.
- I can't get her that far.
- Bring her by rail.
- How am I gonna do that?
You don't make an elephant do anything.
You treat it with respect.
Show her that you care,
and she'll take the train.
Excuse me,
I just gotta brush away a tear here.
Dare I ask
if you're even feeding her properly?
An elephant needs 200 pounds
of grains, fruits and vegetables a day...
...not to mention at least 25 gallons of water.
Mo, I don't eat that well, okay?
Now look, can you come up with $34,000?
Listen to me. The herd is leaving
on the 24th, with or without her.
I'm gonna have to entertain other offers.
I'm probably gonna talk to Roy
of Siegfried and Roy.
Pleasure chatting, Mo.
Be my friend, please.
No, come on back.
Come on back, Mr. Tough Junkyard.
You want some of me? Stay outta this, Vera.
Want some of me?
Is this Vernon?
Kirby, I declare.
I'm sure sorry to hear that.
I knew Kirby as well as anyone,
outside of Vera, of course.
Don't you spill Grandpa's coffee, Baby Boop!
You managed to have a career and family.
It wasn't hard.
So, can you just tell me how to handle her?
Well, son, I couldn't begin
to show you that over the telephone.
- Why don't you come see us in Kansas City?
- Come see you?
I'll tell you what. If I'm in Kansas City,
I definitely will come and see you.
Say hi to Mrs. Blockhead.
She didn't break your fence.
She leaned on it.
And your dog doesn't have a scratch on it.
Yeah, but his spirit's broke.
At the age of 32, this one man,
Anthony Robbins...
...has helped over a million people
dramatically improve their lives.
Recognized by Time...
The guy changed my life.
Too bad. There's a sign,
"No shoes, no shirt, no service."
Just deal with it, okay?
All right.
Stop when you get to 25 gallons.
That's one.
- How much is your salad bar?
- $4.95.
I mean, the entire salad bar.
Your lunch crowd is over anyway, right?
To go, please.
There you go.
Touch the lettuce please, don't touch me.
Don't touch me!
- You the guy who called about the elephant?
- Elephant?
That's great. That is wonderful.
But that is not what I asked for.
Put your nose down,
and come on up into the car.
Here's Kirby's trunk. Come on, let's go.
On three. One, two, three.
No, God!
No, this is not the right thing.
This is the wrong thing. We did this already.
No, don't sit down.
Please, don't sit down. Please.
No, don't sit down. Stand up.
You can sit down in the car.
Come on. God.
Well, clip my mane, and call me baldy.
What is this here?
What does this here look like?
This here is an elephant.
Dead? Not on my train.
She's not dead. She's just stubborn.
She's just impossible.
Get up, dammit. Get up, Vera.
- Your train? Who are you?
- Hurst.
And I haven't approved this.
But I called and arranged everything.
You arranged with the local fellow.
You didn't arrange with the train, or with me.
You want me to be responsible for a tipped-
over elephant, all the way to San Diego?
...she's not gonna stay tipped over.
So you say.
- Second...
- Every state line has laws and inspections.
Which means at every state line,
my job is on the line.
I get fired now, my pension's only $13,500.
I make it to retirement, and it's $28,000.
Take that, and factor in all this... Let's see.
Kansas, Colorado, Nevada, and that's...
Now, you got 30 seconds, friend.
We're gonna roll...
...with him or without him.
- It's a her.
- I don't care what it is.
It don't make me no never mind.
I've got $600 in cash.
To San Diego?
With an elephant manifestly uncontrollable?
Why didn't you learn how to manage her
before this trip?
What about Kansas City?
Well, I don't know.
All right.
If you two hustle in there, right now.
- Not me. I'm flying.
- No.
Unaccompanied elephant would be...
...twice the risk.
- I'll ride with her in the boxcar.
- I thought so.
She seems to like you.
You keep that door
near about closed, Colonel. Charlie!
'Cause anybody sees you two,
you're walkin' the tracks.
I hate you.
This is a funny joke, Dad.
You think this is funny?
Quick, hide.
We're comin' into St. Louis.
Be in K.C. in the morning.
Late night snack.
That'll be $10.
I thought you were probably
holdin' back a little cash on me.
Then I began to "D," deliberate.
- You what?
- I recognized you right away.
You addressed our union convention.
I never thought of working
these little sidelines till after I heard you talk.
You make me very proud.
I don't know about you, but I'm gettin' off.
Excuse me, fellas.
Can you tell me where there's
a cesspool I can scrub up in?
- Kirby's boy, step right up.
- My God.
Step right up.
Hello, there.
Hello. How ya doin'?
How're you makin' out, Vera?
My goodness gracious,
it's so good to see you.
There you go.
Good girl.
That's the way they are.
That's how they greet people,
how they greet each other.
They sniff each other out.
Don't worry though, I just shake hands.
I would've known you for Kirby's boy.
Except Kirby always prided himself
on neatness.
Walter, I'll make Modesto.
You better make Modesto, I swear to God.
My ass is hanging out there.
I got three days. I'll work it out.
I need the money.
- Who doesn't need the money?
- More than ever.
Don't turn your back on New Orleans.
We need it!
Jack, this is my wife, Luluna.
Your washables are drying.
I did what I could with your suit.
Why don't you sit? Here, on the couch.
You won't get any circus cooties.
He's as particular as his mother.
You look beat.
Why don't you stay with us
for a couple of days?
I have to get going.
I wouldn't want you to think
all we eat is sandwiches.
Anything you serve up
goes down with a bang.
And that comes from a man that ate fire,
steel and something you rarely see.
I stick a spoon up this nostril,
a fork up this one.
- Now, my sinuses were just...
- Vernon. He doesn't want to hear shop talk.
- He wants to know about his father.
- I want to know how to deal with Vera.
There he is.
It was old...
...so I decoupaged it.
If I'd let her, she'd decoupage me.
There's Dad.
Right below the fat lady
and above the dancing bear.
Your dad didn't have Vera
when he met your mother.
Some town in New York State.
Brockport. She was in college.
You know,
she told me a story that he saved a kid's life.
Well, he was a fireman in the act.
You know, fire truck, clowns in and out,
they'd toss this baby doll around.
Your mother used to travel with us.
Took tickets.
- It looked like she was becoming one of us.
- She had you.
Then she was gone. She and you.
Kirby left us for several years and...
...then he came back, with Vera.
Performing is when your dad let himself go.
Him and Vera were some act.
I mean, he trained her himself.
I don't know how he knew how.
Hello there, sir. Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Vernon!
- What?
- Don't influence the children.
You wanna see my scrapbook?
No, thank you.
There he is.
- What's that thing he's holding?
- That's a back-scratcher. She responds to it.
She does? I've got this thing in the trunk.
Well, you show her that, she'll lead
right along. If you got a feel for her.
Wow, what is that?
That's the trick that made Vera famous.
She'd push a calliope uphill, all by herself.
She always led the parade.
Only elephant in the world
that can walk on her hind legs.
All right, I really gotta get going.
This has been great.
I forgot that was in there.
Luluna and your dad were engaged
before your mom came along.
Don't worry.
You wouldn't have been born tattooed.
I wasn't thinking that.
She can salute.
She knows how to skip.
How about that?
She skips better than I do.
Take a bow.
Well, what about the hard stuff,
like "go, stop."
Simplicity itself.
Why, she's a treasure.
Jack, you try.
Here. Yeah. Come on.
All right.
She's messing with me now.
Come on, let's try it again.
No, the other stop.
You just need to get a feel for each other.
Once you're sure you know what she wants,
she'll do it.
What about the famous trick?
The one that my dad did with her.
She wouldn't do that for nobody
but your dad.
We'll give it a try.
I guess that trick died with your dad.
What are you gonna do?
Work up an act, take her on the road?
No, I'm gonna free her.
- Free her?
- Mercy.
There's a woman at the San Diego Zoo
taking elephants to Sri Lanka...
Sri Lanka? Who would she know there?
She'd get to live in the rain forest.
Rain forest?
That's just another word for jungle.
They're gonna give me $30,000.
I know this outfit in Hollywood,
give you a lot more than $30,000 for her.
They'd make Vera a star.
I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
You need to appreciate your dad's
way of life more.
I'm gonna drive you out there in the vehicle.
- Now, Vernon!
- Now, don't "Now, Vernon" me.
I gotta change my clothes.
Aye, this is the life, ain't it?
We'll stop along the road someplace,
put on a show.
Like your dad always said,
"If you ain't on the road, you're in a rut."
What about these people in LA?
You think we should call them first?
Gotta deal with these people face-to-face,
or they'll take us for rubes, bumpkins...
...suckers from the sticks.
I'll do the negotiating.
One time, I traded a blind lion...
...for a flatbed truck...
...ten dancing chickens and a trampoline.
That noise, what was that?
See, our polar bear got arrested
for breaking and entering.
Wasn't really a polar bear per se.
What we done was, we took this
regular bear, and we bleached him.
Are we on fire?
Last time you took off,
you got three miles further.
Let's take you back to the barn, Vernon.
Jack, darling, I called Polk City.
It's about eight miles ahead.
There's a truck-rental yard there.
- Wish we could drive you both.
- Thanks for everything, Luluna.
If you could just give me the name.
Don't send her to the jungle.
She doesn't get along with monkeys.
Who does?
Another thing your dad always said:
"Everywhere you go, every line of work...
"...there're two kinds of people.
"There's the carnies and the rubes."
Don't be on the rubes' side, kid.
Don't live the life of a rube.
Wanna go for a walk?
I've got this Wall-Applications Gala
in three days.
How am I going to make that?
What's the carny move here?
Now, you better be worth a lot of money.
That's a $2,000 gig.
I've gotta call Walter and make excuses.
I hate that.
You're probably right.
Heck with Walter. He's a rube.
Don't frighten the straights. Come on, stay.
Don't frighten the squares. Come on, stay.
I need a truck quick. Stay.
That'll be two major credit cards.
That's to stop. Stop it.
And a trucker's license.
That's what the hijackers took first.
That's how they work.
No license, no truck.
Do you think I'd be going across Kansas
on foot with an elephant?
They took my rig, bro!
All right. And I'll take...
I'll need more to go.
This is a nice one.
- No.
- This is a sweet one.
Yeah, no.
How 'bout a pick-up?
That's a little small, I think, don't you?
Hey, I got one over here you'd like.
Isn't this the truck here?
That one's got a loose seat.
I've handled loose seats before.
I'll take her.
Come on.
Learn to drive, you son of a bitch!
I can't drive this.
Put it in the granny hole.
Same to you.
Granny hole's first gear, birdbrain.
Thank you.
There ought to be a seat lever
right under your left butt-cheek.
Just don't touch the magic button.
Okay, thanks. Thanks again.
What's the magic button?
I'm sorry for everything I've ever done.
I'm sorry.
Help me.
Nice rental!
How long you think it's gonna take?
I don't know what you done
to that transmission, but...
...that truck ain't goin' nowhere
for a few weeks.
Now, you do know how to drive a truck?
Vera, let's go find ourselves a new rig.
Hey, Mister...
...you tipped this one up, too.
Natural Talent?
Yes, may I speak with Terry Bonura, please?
Well, when will Terry be back?
I have to make a speech in three days.
You heading west?
I have a highly trained elephant.
I have a number of attractive offers for her...
...but I want to give you people a shot.
You heading west?
This your elephant?
Yes, we are on foot.
Did you just hang up on me?
- Can you take some more cargo?
- Is he afraid of mice?
Are you hauling mice?
Vera, kill.
- Mo?
- Yeah?
Jack Corcoran.
I got a more attractive offer for my elephant.
- Is that right? Who from?
- Terry Bonura of Natural Talent.
I knew you'd hook up with Terry.
- That's the Terry you were talking about?
- Don't kid a kidder.
Do the right thing.
Have your elephant at the San Diego Airport,
Tuesday the 24th, 8:00 p.m.
This is not just an elephant.
This is a highly trained...
...skilled, professional elephant.
I don't give a shit if she can play the banjo.
Healthy and fertile's all I need.
I am having a rough night.
I told you to kill.
Hi, honey. I'm in Kansas.
Would you call Walter and tell him
that I will not be able to make Modesto?
I know that.
I will definitely make the last two dates,
especially New Orleans.
Sure I miss you.
Headed west?
Sweet dreams.
Okay, bye-bye.
- Give me Terry Bonura.
- You've got her.
And who is this?
- Terry?
- Hold on a sec.
Your thighs, kind of ivory.
But make sure you get it
all the way up to the thong mark.
Remember what happened last time.
Sorry about that.
I was...
...expecting a man.
Are you terribly crushed?
- I'm Jack Corcoran.
- Are you an Aries?
- Pisces.
- Pisces?
You sound so firm.
I have a rather large elephant here.
Not every man can say that.
And she's talented, very trained, and...
...Mo at the San Diego Zoo says that
she'd like to take her to Sri Lanka.
Well, that's just because she can't
get anyone else to go with her.
Can you call me back?
Sure. But what kind of a dollar figure
would we be talking about here?
Mo had offered $30,000.
Well, I can do at least $40,000.
Are you sure you're not an Aries?
Well, I'm on the cusp.
You're on the cusp,
and you're too modest to admit it.
That's very sweet. Call me back, okay?
- Okay.
- Don't forget.
- See ya.
- Okay.
I must be in love.
I just lied about my sign.
How are we gonna get to California?
All right, I want you to wait here.
And scrambled eggs.
Bacon, sausage, or ham?
- You know what you just ordered, don't you?
- The Bob Hope.
Government waste.
School-lunch program.
Kids don't eat that free lunch.
You got some retard come down
and suckin' on the government teat.
Come and scrape it off the garbage cans.
Then the pig farmers slop their hogs with it.
Then shoot 'em up with every
antibiotic known to man.
'Cause the AMA's in on this, too. Yeah.
You think they want us healthy?
Better think again.
- Would you help me?
- No, they don't.
They grind that stuff up and call it meat.
Come on. You ever seen a pig's pecker?
Shaped like a doggone corkscrew.
It's like that. Like a corkscrew.
And that's exactly what they're tryin'
to do to you every time you eat that pork.
Anytime now, that phone right there's
gonna ring-a-ding-ding.
I'm gonna skip on across town,
pick me up a load of bowlin' pins.
Head clear west to California.
Yeah. Hey, my name's Tip. We ain't met yet.
T-l-P, Tip.
Call me that, 'cause you stick with me
you'll get a few for free, as you can see.
Yo, sweetie, hit me again, baby, come on.
You know how long that pig
will stay in your system if you eat it?
I'll be right back.
12 to 16 years.
Come on, now. Hey, don't eat that stuff.
Don't do it.
What do you think's in there?
You think it's doggone blueberries,
don't you?
Tip-Top Truckin', Tip speakin'.
Yeah, that, bowling-pin load,
we're gonna have to cancel that.
Cancel it?
- Termites.
- Termites?
Termites, my ass.
I know who's behind this.
Them butt-buddies at the trucking
commission. That's who. Hello?
Now they broke my phone!
Break my phone, cancel my load!
how's a man supposed to make it?
Damn, I don't believe this. I don't believe it.
Now I got to deadhead clear to California.
Maybe I can help.
Of course the rats are just
runnin' hog-wild around the place.
The people are chasin' them
right into the grinder.
Rats and excreta, you know.
It's all meat to them.
They got the balls to call that a hamburger?
You better pull the other one, Uncle Sam.
So, is an elephant a clean animal?
You know, they eat out the dirt and all.
She's clean.
I mean...
...how do they do it? You know?
Make whoopie? I cannot see a big,
old, flumpy thing like her...
...laying back, legs up,
four tons of love coming on top of her...
...and she's laying back just goin',
"Give it to me. Give it to me."
That's a lot of weight to roll around.
You know what I'm talkin' about?
You know what I'm sayin'?
Come on, man. That's somethin' else.
That's got to be a sight to see.
That is hard to picture in this old mind.
- I don't know how they do it.
- I heard that. I don't either.
I'll tell you what.
The Rocky Mountains.
Clean spring water, right?
Right. Come on.
Government don't want the stuff clean.
I'm gonna have to go ride in the back
with Vera for a while.
She's lonesome.
We got Jack and Tip in the cab on the road.
You and me, pal.
Tip, do you ever sleep?
Yeah, I slept last week.
Top of the Divide.
Did Dad ever let you get out and take a look?
Tip Tucker. Yeah.
At this rate, we'll be in LA tomorrow night.
Maybe I'll go out to dinner with Terry.
Hell, no, I didn't pick up
the bowlin' pins. What?
Perhaps she'll have
a little elephant buddy for you.
Oh, is that right?
Is that so?
It doesn't look real.
You don't do that to me.
You don't do that to Tip Tucker
and his Tip-Top Trucking!
Get over it. I had to do it.
"Get over it," nothing.
You canceled my bowling pins.
Look, a bald eagle.
There ain't no... Hey!
- Tip, I had to do it.
- Had to do...
Okay, look, I'm from the playground, man.
City kid. I got game.
Watch out. Look out. Come on.
Let's you and me get in the truck.
We'll drive down 3,000 feet.
We'll do this there.
I like it here.
Whose playground now?
The only reason you're doing this
is 'cause I ain't popular with people.
Don't make me feel bad about this.
Get away from me.
You hijacked me.
And that animal right there tried to kill me.
I'm gonna put the both of youse
behind bars in the state penitentiary.
Her for attempted murderer...
...and you for being a interstate felon.
What do you think of that?
Nobody does that to Tip Tucker
and gets away with it. You hear me?
I will be back, with the law.
With the law!
...we'd better change our course.
Dad's got a southerly route marked here.
Back roads through New Mexico.
It's either that, or...
...you get the chair.
Well, we know where it'll be
if I ever come back this way.
Okay, I've got some good news
and some bad news.
Good news is...
...it's all downhill from here.
The bad news is...
...you're gonna carry me.
Hold still.
All right.
All right.
Okay, honey, where's the stairs?
...does that hurt?
All right...
...let's try this one.
What the heck is going on?
Okay, hold it there, babe.
Hold it.
Come on.
Don't let me go.
Turn right.
Okay, not so fast.
Okay. Easy.
Wrong way. Over here.
Wrong way. Get away.
That's cold. Get away.
Get away from there. Help.
Don't do it.
Take a drink, and that's it.
Can you swim?
Hey, no kicking.
You bully!
You're gonna leave a ring around this lake.
You know, if you just stay there,
we'll be fine.
Okay, I'll tell you when to move.
Never mind. No. That's okay. Go on ahead.
It's not you, it's your truck.
Thank you.
That's what happens. You know?
Sometimes you're hot, sometimes you're not.
I don't know if you ever heard that one,
but it's a truism.
This could be.
This could be. Yeah, you're the man.
Come on, big man,
let me hear you downshift.
Yes, hit those brakes. Come on. Yes, sir.
Stay there. Don't come out.
You the man.
You the good Samaritan. Yes, sir.
Hey, goin' all the way to Los Angeles,
how about that?
- Santa Monica.
- Santa Monica.
No, what've you done? No.
My gosh, who taught you how to hitchhike?
There's two types of animals in this world...
...ones you can hitch with
and ones you can't hitch with.
God, get back there.
Get back. Back. Come on.
We need aerial surveillance.
We got to have road blocks,
east and west and north and south.
We need bloodhounds sniffing 'em down...
...and we need this shotgun loaded.
You know what I'm saying?
This ain't no picnic walk.
I'm tellin' ya, you turn your back on the
skillet, the grease is gonna burn your butt.
The dumb are lucky, aren't they?
Should know better
than rely on the authorities.
Get off of my truck!
Tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna go form my own dragnet.
Or better yet, I might just go it alone.
That's right.
To repeat...
...brown eyes, gray complexion, weight...
...approximately 8,000 pounds.
I have no idea where we are.
I wonder what Kirby means by
"Badlands of New Mexico."
You know, I was just thinking about
all those poor people on the Interstate.
They're missin' all of this.
Good morning.
Sorry, good afternoon.
Why in the hell aren't you a camel?
I don't want an elephant. I want a camel.
Thanks, Vera.
I'm sorry about what I said,
about not wanting an elephant.
It's rain!
Vera, it's rain!
It's rain!
It's raining!
My whining days are over!
No, it's not enough...
...that we gotta be completely lost...
...but we gotta be completely drenched, too!
And I'm wearing a wool coat
that makes me smell like a dog inside a car.
New Mexico State Police.
How'd you find us?
Through prayer.
Please, we must move faster!
Over here!
The church! Get over to the church!
Is help on the way?
The phone lines are down.
There is no village without the church!
Come on, I can't do it alone. Let's go.
Isn't there anything you can do?
Up here, push up here.
Come on, honey. Push up here.
Seor Corcoran.
This is the plan for the shrine for Vera.
I prefer Vera to pose for me
for two hours every morning.
You know,
I have to be taking Vera somewhere else.
Seor Corcoran...
...Vera is the savior of our village.
We want her to stay.
Her and you, of course.
I don't know where I belong anymore.
Vera has a calling.
She's the elephant of my father.
I think that he would want me to see
that she gets into the movies.
And you will be in the movies with her?
With her? Me?
Of course. I mean, you are a performer, no?
Do you...
...have a phone that I might use someplace?
"Terry Bonura.
"Hollywood, California."
Jack, I waited and waited.
I thought you fell off the face of the earth.
Well, Vera and I were perfecting
one of our tricks.
God, I can't wait.
Listen, we're doing commercials all week
down at the LA Sports Arena.
Why don't you come down?
- I'm the one with all the wild animals.
- Sure.
Would you call Mo and tell her
we're doing something together?
I mean, she called me twice, and
I don't know how well you know Mo, but...
Consider it done.
- Hello.
- Mo. Jack Corcoran.
I tried to let you down easy...
...but I understand
you've been harassing Terry.
Yeah? You tell Terry to come
clean out my cages.
Just because she has a bigger budget?
So that's what it's all about, huh?
You know, Vera deserves more than
three shows a day, seven days a week.
- Buenos das, Seor Jack.
- Buenos das, Padre.
The movies will be Vera's shrine.
How may we help?
...the movies...
...are in downtown LA,
which is two state lines away from here.
And I'm kind of...
- Wanted?
- Yes.
- Are you on America's Most Wanted?
- Not yet.
Some day.
I've been looking at these maps
of my father's and...
...I got the feeling...
...that state lines might get kind of fuzzy...
...around here.
We have many friends there.
How else may we help?
Well, I've noticed that people
have been staring at me.
They're saying,
"He wears the same clothes every day.
- "Doesn't he have anything else?"
- Javier!
That's a beautiful animal.
Thank you.
Same to you.
Yeah, I think you're right.
I smell peanuts, too.
I guess I know who you two are.
Big one must be Vera,
and you must be Jack, right?
You're as pretty as you sound.
This is Rosie. This is Vera and Jack.
Where are your manners? Say hello.
Hey, you've quite a way with her.
Ever think about doing an act yourself?
It's funny you should say that.
First we'll do Vera's deal,
and then we'll talk about your future.
This is Chris. He'll take care of Vera.
- You come with me to the office.
- Okay, I'll be right back.
You know, Jack, I am your only buyer now.
Word is,
Mo's already spent her whole budget.
It's gonna take $50,000 for me to break even.
That's the truck Vera and I should've had.
$50,000? It's peanuts
to somebody like yourself.
Dig deep.
$50,000 it is.
Let's see, here's the contract.
Where's that damn pen?
What's this? An electric back-scratcher?
No, honey, that's an electric goad.
Don't tell me you got her here from Maryland
without a zing or two.
Natural Talent, Terry Bonura speaking.
No, you're supposed to
bring them down to the ranch.
Get over!
You can have your wife insured
for $1,000,000, but...
...that doesn't mean
you can sell her for that much.
The deal was three shows a day,
seven days a week, right?
No, they're coming to us, remember?
I thought we were gonna be partners.
All right.
Jack? Vera's okay.
Why don't you sign the papers?
Look, Cookie, I'm trying to make this work.
7:48 San Diego time with Bob Mankiewicz.
I've got an elephant here for Sri Lanka.
The gene-pool project.
Nothing on the sheet about another elephant.
- You didn't get the word. It's okay.
- The sheet is the word.
We didn't come this far
to get stopped by you.
Turn the vehicle around, sir, now.
I don't see why not.
The white zone is for immediate loading
and unloading of passengers only.
All right, that was a little bumpy.
Sorry. Come out. Let's go.
Come on, move.
Hey, y'all!
San Diego country time comin' on 7:57.
Would everybody in the building
excuse us, please?
We're trying to make a plane.
Could you just get up against the wall?
Thank you.
Come on, honey.
One more for Sri Lanka, please.
Sir, you have introduced a dangerous animal
into a situation where people can get hurt.
She is not dangerous.
She's very large, but she's jolly.
- You must get her out of here.
- She's not just an elephant, but a role model.
She saved my life.
She's trying to make a plane
that leaves in three minutes.
If she could get on the plane,
she could carve out a new life for herself.
Excuse me!
All right.
How do we know you have a connection?
- How do we know you're not a...
- A guy walking around with an elephant?
Fair question.
Come on, work with me, will you?
Give us an escort out to the gate.
Then if I'm lying, you can shoot me.
You may both shoot me.
That's a good deal.
That sounds good, doesn't it?
- Jim? It is Jim, isn't it?
- Yeah, it is.
Thank you. Good people.
Jack Corcoran. Appreciate it. Thank you.
Come back here!
Don't listen to that man right there.
Him and his fuzzy friend
are homicidal maniacs.
Mamas, grab your babies!
Pick 'em up slow, and move back.
You got a nut on your hands here.
Good luck. I'll see ya.
- Wait a minute.
- I don't have a minute.
- They tried to hurt you, sir?
- Yeah.
Tried to hurt me, all right.
Played my trucking buddy a while,
and then tried to kill me.
- Hijacked my rig!
- Hijacked?
Yeah. He's gonna try
and do the same thing to your 747.
Watch him, he's a hustler! He's streetsmart.
Yeah, proceed with caution.
What was that?
- What's that?
- What was what?
There's something in that bag.
Be careful. Somebody...
I saw that!
Back-up. Bring in back-up, I think.
Don't do it alone. Bring in some back-up.
He's got something in that bag.
We got a possible case 212. Case 212.
Concourse D. We need back-up right away.
We're gonna need a couple pounds
of bacon and some Polish sausage.
This whole thing is a sting.
So, what if the thing's
a federal sting operation to get to me?
I got this from your oily girlfriend.
Are you gonna help or not?
Get him, Frank!
Please, for the love of God, help.
If an agent goes down,
you're gonna have blood on your hands.
Come on, this isn't funny now.
Come on.
Step aside, ladies!
We made it.
One more for first class!
- Are you Mo?
- Is this Vera?
She's beautiful.
You know, Jack, I spent my whole budget.
Yeah, Terry told me.
I'm curious. With all the decent
animal trainers in this world...
...how could you hook up with Terry?
Terry had a nice telephone manner.
- She gonna be all right on that thing?
- Relax, animal lover, she'll be fine.
They're very good company for one another,
and they're infinitely patient.
Mo, can I take this one?
Come on, girl.
Come on.
Well, you go on ahead
and have a lot of little elephants.
You got me to a better place,
and I'm gonna do the same for you.
I'll even pretend that it doesn't hurt
to watch you get on the plane.
Right now I'm supposed to be giving
the biggest speech of my life.
I'm $50,000 in the hole...
...l've stolen a truck...
...and all I can think about is
how much I'm gonna miss her.
You know,
they say an elephant never forgets.
But what they don't tell you is that...
...you never forget an elephant.
You wanna go to Salads and Such?
I'm vegetarian.
So was Vera.