Unidentified Flying Oddball (1979) Movie Script

Minus five, minus four... three, two, one.
We have separation.
What'll she do?
Stardust's mission is to explore the stars
and planets of this galaxy and beyond.
I know that. I mean how fast will she go?
Stardust should definitely travel
faster than light,
which, as you all know,
is 186,283.4 miles per second.
Wow! That's really pouring the coal to it!
We won't be using coal, Senator Milburn.
Stardust will actually collect atoms
while in flight,
ionising the medium ahead of the craft
and guiding the ions
into the intake area here.
This can be accomplished by the use
of intense magnetic fields.
In just four and a half years, the craft could
reach our nearest star, Alpha Centauri.
Aren't such speeds supposed to turn back
the clock or develop a time warp?
This flight will put Einstein's
Theory of Relativity to the test.
The crew won't be aware of time passing.
- Did you say "crew"?
The ship is designed for two crewmen.
- You can stop right there, Doctor.
You intend to put fine young American men
into that untried contraption
and shoot 'em out
into some never-never land?
That's oversimplifying it, but yes.
- Oh, no, you're not.
Not while I'm chairman of the Finance Ways
and Means Committee of this project.
Not with the elections coming up.
- We have women in the space programme.
Women? No, sir.
Come up with another brainstorm, Doctor, or
that baby's never gonna get out of this room.
Trimble here.
- What are you doing?
Transcendental meditation, sir.
- I'm taking you off that project.
You're going onto Humanoids.
- Human...?
- I want a robot that walks, talks, the works!
Yes, sir!
It's a method of transportation
known as an airplane.
Man uses it to fly through the air.
This is a woman. I am a man. You are
modelled after me. She is the opposite sex.
We named him Hermes
after the Greek god of speed.
We've managed to simulate
an ordinary, average human body.
Not only does Hermes look human,
but he has human reflexes and responses
to a given situation.
Such as.
How do you feel, Hermes?
- (BLEEPS) Fine, thank you.
He talks, he reacts to shapes and stimuli.
He'll relay information on human anatomical
compensation to interstellar flight
almost as well as man.
Please, gentlemen, step up and say hello!
Well, Senator, we did it.
(TV) This spacecraft will travel farther and
faster than anything yet conceived by man.
Stardust is designed and equipped
for exploration on distant planets.
We're informed by Ground Control
that all systems are green,
but we're on hold
due to a technical problem.
Hermes, the President is waiting.
What's holding things up?
I've got important guests out there.
Hermes doesn't want to go. He's afraid.
- Afraid? What's he afraid of?
That he won't ever come back.
It's possible. Hermes has thought
the problem through.
Walter's asking about the delay.
Tell him it's a technical problem
we're taking care of.
Zimmerman, I approved this contraption.
My committee chairmanship is riding on it.
You blow it and your budget next year
won't be enough to build a paper plane!
Smedley, get Trimble
to try and talk some sense into it.
Snap it up! There's a storm front coming in!
- Yes, sir.
Hermes, Hermes, I wanna talk to you.
Close the hatch.
What is this about you not wanting to go?
I'm afraid I'm never coming back.
- Of course you are.
What a silly thing to say.
Get into your nice white space suit.
Dr Zimmerman thinks it'll be good publicity.
You've put me in an embarrassing position.
What are people gonna think if we have to
scrub this mission because you're afraid?
Come on, just put this thing on.
What's this?
Well, 30 years is 30 years, I suppose.
We'll forget the suit. Hermes, we've spent
a lot of time and money on this mission...
Is that you, Hermes?
- No, it's Tom Trimble.
Get out of the picture, Trimble,
you look awful. Where Hermes?
He's here. I think he's hurt, broken.
You've got to get us down!
Impossible, Trimble. We can't abort this
mission now. Make yourself comfortable.
For 30 years?!
- Oh, it won't seem that long to you.
10 at the outside.
- I have agoraphobia and it's getting worse!
Relax or we can't get true readings on you.
Something else, Trimble.
When you get back, there'll be a surprise
in your pay envelope. How's that sound?
Like a posthumous award!
- Ahem. Well, I have to go.
You won't have much to report until
you reach star Vega, but keep in touch.
Hermes, do something!
We've got to get this thing down!
Do what you were programmed to do.
I'm sorry. Your pulse staticizer probably
got jammed when you bumped your head.
Don't worry, it's nothing that a soldering
iron and a screwdriver can't fix.
I gotta get this thing into orbit.
Oh, no!
Oh, boy, the power's failing.
No... it's the sun rising and setting!
I gotta slow this thing down.
We'd best spend the night here, then get
an early start for Camelot in the morning.
What was that?!
It's after us!
Why would it stick its tongue out at us?
What's that?
Now you've done it! Fly for your life!
Oh, please, take me instead!
No contest! But, lady, you wouldn't believe
what I've been through so... Where am I?
Bodney-on-Trent, Langdale Walk,
Bennington Green, Cornwall, England
the year of our Lord 508... monster.
508! It really works!
You really can turn back the clock!
Albert Einstein, you really knew your stuff!
What is it you're after?
I have to figure a way to get back into orbit,
rewind the clock and get back to the Cape.
Mm. Well, we must be going now.
- Camelot. It's four leagues... monster.
Why do you keep calling me monster?
- You have no face and no ears.
If I can get this off,
I'll show you what I look like inside.
Oh, I'm not that curious to look inside you.
Please, can we go now?
Wait! Who's in charge here?
I suppose I am. Mum died of the plague
three years past.
And this is Father. Come on.
What's that she's consorting with?
- 'Tis too big for a troll.
Yet it's plainly not aggressive.
Are you certain you want to go to the castle?
They aren't always friendly to mons...
- I gotta get outta here.
Maybe in Camelot I can find a person
who doesn't think I'm from outer space.
And where do you come from?
- Hey, easy with the stick!
I friend!
- Aiding fugitives is punishable by death.
I wasn't aiding anybody...
- You are my prisoner! Do you contest that?
No. Discretion is the better part of valour.
Very good. I must tell that to the King.
Lead on, prisoner, to Camelot!
Go on with your story.
- Well...
.. Sir Mordred wanted Father's land,
but Father refused to give it up.
He believes that every freeman should own
the land he works, isn't that right, Father?
What is that? They keep doing that.
They think you're a goblin.
Goblins come out in the evening.
Do you still think I'm a goblin?
- Heaven forbid.
I never thought it for an instant.
Goblins don't fly.
When did your father become a goose?
A gander!
- I don't believe it!
Oh, it's quite true.
- No, I mean the castle. That's Camelot?
It is.
- King Arthur's Camelot?
Come on.
When I returned from Haymarket,
the gander was in Father's chair
eating crumbs off the table.
So you figured it was your old man
transformed by some evil spell.
What else could it be? Father was nowhere
to be seen and the door was locked.
If only I could see Merlin.
I know he could make Father himself again.
Merlin? The magician?
- Yes.
How would the likes of you know Merlin?
- Oh, just by reputation.
Now, most gracious King Arthur,
I shall transform this pink-eyed white rat
into vintage red wine.
If I were to turn you to stone, Sir Gawain,
possibly I might continue uninterrupted.
Rattray... vanishay!
Et coldon hideway!
By my soul! That's wine! Wine!
And that concludes my dazzling display of
black magic for this evening. Your servant.
Fear not, I have it subdued.
Your Majesty.
- Mordred, what have you in tow this time?
King Arthur, after the ceremony, I...
Your Majesty, with intention to rob,
this creature and five like it
fell upon me in the forest
with firebrands and lances!
I despatched the others and spared this one
as a curio for Your Majesty.
The head resembles a bug and I've not seen
tentacles like that on a man creature before.
It's this space suit, Your Majesty.
In sand shoes, slacks and a blazer...
What are your plans for it? It's not
large enough for a beast of burden.
I was thinking more along the lines
of a burning.
Excellent suggestion, Mordred!
With Your Majesty's approval,
I could do something
out of the ordinary with this creature.
What do you mean, burning?
Burn who? For what?
Burning is a fit punishment for the offence.
- Very well, then. A burning early tomorrow.
(PEOPLE) Burn him!
- When do I get my turn to bat? Wait, wait!
Wait! Let him speak.
I would know something of your plan.
- I could sell this better without this helmet.
Do you have a wrench around here?
- Wench? Wench?
We've several wenches. We don't usually
make them available to captive... things.
However... Peg! Tend to its needs!
Within reason!
I think if you could get a head lock
around here and twist...
Don't worry, you won't feel a...
That face!
Er... you wanted to hear about my plan.
I suppose I should start with a little history
or, in your case, a little future.
In... 1492,
a man named Christopher Columbus
is going to discover America.
America is another continent
approximately 3,000 miles from here.
Columbus's ships will be named
the Nia, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.
A lot of people think that Leif Ericson
got there first. I don't know.
All I know is that all the banks are closed
on Columbus Day, not Ericson Day.
Ericson Day!
So we jump a couple of hundred years...
So when Stardust blasted off prematurely,
I was trapped inside.
You recall my explanation
of the law of gravity
and how that theory is applied
to orbiting objects.
Well, Stardust...
- Yes, yes, we all recall Madame Curie...
.. and Fulton's steamboat... and that
imbecile who flew kites in the rain!
Just think what we could do
with the likes of them today
if they were not just the creation
of your disordered BRAIN!
Those are the straight goods. It happened
just the way I told you or, at least, it will!
And you seriously expect us to believe
that you were alive 1,400 years from now?
Then why aren't you 1,400 years old?
- Well, that's a little difficult to explain.
With your permission, may I suggest
we put an end to this travesty?
Agreed. Take him away.
- Wait a minute!
I can tell you how the Crusades come out!
Mordred tries to take over your kingdom!
Maybe with a little historical licence,
I can help you out, King!
I'm very good with a screwdriver!
Just listen...
Food for Sir Mordred's latest prisoner!
Sandi... over here.
Thing... I hardly recognised you
without your head on!
Stop with that "thing" thing. This is getting
serious. I'm gonna be burned at the stake.
Can you believe that?
Me, burned at the stake?
I heard. But, see, I've brought you something.
Clarence's hammer -
to free you from your chains.
You did all this for me?
- Well, you've harmed no one.
You should be set free to return
to your natural habitat.
You mean the USA.
- Yeah, mm.
Or the sky. Wherever you like it best.
When you get an idea in your head,
you don't let go. Look at me closely.
Do I look like a monster to you?
Not any more, but you did when
you came out of your shell breathing smoke.
No, that was steam. It was as hot as an oven
in the capsule when I re-entered.
How does an ordinary man live in an oven?
This is a special suit. It resists heat.
Its even got its own temperature control -
like a built-in air-conditioning system.
Now, between that and the asbestos mater...
Asbestos material!
I need a match.
Didn't that hurt?
- No, no. Here, hold that candle.
And that doesn't either!
I must go now.
- No reason to be afraid. I'll be safe.
This material is a mixture of
a silicate of calcium and magnesium.
It doesn't conduct heat!
Now do you understand?
Of course.
No, Sandi, I'm no different from you
or anybody... Ow!
What was that?
- Next room.
The man's got growing pains.
It can't last for long.
Are you all right?
Who... Who asks such a stupid question?
Tom Trimble. I'm Sir Mordred's prisoner.
- Satan himself.
He wants me to confess I killed
one of his deer.
If I confess to his charge...
.. I must forfeit all my properties to him.
It is my only legacy
to my beloved daughter Alisande.
Are you Sandi's father?
- You... You know my daughter?
Yes, yes!
- Poor child must think me dead.
Actually she thinks you're a goose.
- A goose? Her own father?
She must get word to our sovereign.
- Don't worry.
After I'm burned,
I'll tell the whole story to King Arthur.
Would it not show more foresight
to tell him BEFORE the burning?
I had troubling dreams
when I did sleep, Gawain.
Tell me, was it the Wright brothers
who discovered radio?
I think not, Your Highness. That was.. er...
That was Babe Ruth.
And Uncle Milty was... will be
the first man to fly, correct?
I believe he invents the horseless carriage,
but I dozed off through that period.
He could be trained to be a court jester.
He tells the best lies we've ever heard.
- Better even than Sir Mordred's.
How's that, Sir Gawain?
- When I say better, I mean different.
You tell the most excellent lies, Sir Mordred.
Of course you do!
by His Majesty's gracious command,
bring in the creature!
Look at the size of him!
- He's eaten a hearty last meal.
Clarence, could you reach inside
my leg there?
Hold that till I get back.
There's some very good articles in it.
It is most brave. Isn't it, Father?
Er, King Arthur, could I please have
a word with you after the burning?
After the burning?
Well, if he feels up to it, I see no harm.
Make sure it is bound securely.
It would appear it's suddenly wasting away.
Proceed while there's something left to burn.
Start the burning!
By my...!
Mordred, you're rarely at a loss for words.
What say'st thou?
Plainly he comes from hardy stock,
Your Majesty.
Merlin, fan the flames!
Do you think this creature
has unholy powers?
I mean, Your Majesty, my liege,
I may have underestimated his capacities.
I'd rather he was with us than against us.
- We've already abused that option.
I can't have it roaming the halls of Camelot.
Mordred, it was all your doing.
And I should be the thing's undoing.
There is nothing to fear!
We have yet to see how this creature
resists cold steel! Page!
Go inside and fetch my sword.
- Me?!
Thou jests!
- Thou art on thin ice! I bid thee obey!
You're in trouble. Mordred's looking for you.
- I must find the monster and help him.
He cannot defend himself against weapons,
that we have seen.
What concern is that of yours?
- Clarence, perhaps he isn't a monster.
Did you see that?
With these eyes,
but my heart refuses to accept it.
Come... we must help it escape.
Come on, Father.
Sandi, I can explain everything! I saw...
- There's no time!
Sir Mordred threatens to run you through!
- Clarence, lend a hand here.
(MORDRED) Page, I would have my sword!
- Is there a back door? A laundry chute?
No, and only the King can order
the drawbridge lowered.
(MORDRED) I'll butcher that creature
like a hung beef!
It's locked!
Surely you can defend yourself in some way!
Do you bite?
We have the finest selection of swords
in the country here. Try one.
Isn't that King's Arthur's sword?
Oh, I knew it! Your heart is pure.
There's no time for that now. You'd better
leave before Mordred gets here.
I couldn't bear to watch anyway.
Clarence, I don't know how to fight!
I must deliver Sir Mordred his sword.
If he thought I'd befriended thee...
- Listen, you have to help me!
Impossible! Mordred would boil me in oil!
- He'll never know!
I'm a lowly page, but I'll do what I can.
- Great! Now, which way is north?
Got a hammer?
- Only in the blacksmith's shop.
Anything'll do.
I'm gonna magnetise the sword.
"Magetise" it...?
- A solid blow will rearrange its molecules.
Hurry up, come on!
What delays thee, page? I'll skewer thee!
He wenteth that way.
It's taken refuse in the Great Hall.
- Where it will see its last moments.
It has taken on rust.
I have been putting my lance to use.
Mordred, please,
I have a knack for this sort of thing.
Are you going to be long?
You're holding up the midday meal.
I beg your indulgence, sire...
.. but my sword and I seem to be at odds.
He seems quite attached to it.
I hate to impose on you, Your Majesty,
but would you be so kind?
I'll fillet thee like a flounder!
May I remind you, Mordred, that you are
a knight of the Round Table?
If you'd be so kind.
- Is that fair?
A good knight must use his own judgement.
- Sir Mordred is one of our own.
Release it quickly!
- I find it impossible to oblige you.
It is metal it attracts.
Touch not metal with the blade.
- His head be not of metal!
Guards, stay fast!
Now, Mordred, put an end to it!
Oh, dear, what a pity.
Sir Lancelot! Is he here?
- He's taken leave.
Something about rescuing a maiden.
- I heard he was into that.
Sir BrandeI.
Ah... here's Sir Galahad.
- Sir Galahad.
I can't wait to get home
and tell the folks about this.
I've gotta get back to the 20th century.
- You keep saying that.
How can one go back to the 20th century
when we're in the 6th?
I'll figure it out.
- Tell me, Tom, please.
I promise not to let it go past this room.
Where exactly do you come from?
Do you remember when I told you
about Columbus...
Wait, wait, wait. I can't go into that again.
Bugs, the jitter, Beatles, the throw rocks...
- No, no, play rock.
You'll understand better
when I show you Stardust.
Ah, Sir Mordred.
King... No, never mind.
What is it?
I don't like to get mixed up in office politics,
but sources tell me Mordred has a sideline.
- He's moonlighting.
He has a guy on the rack,
trying to force him to confess to poaching
so that Mordred can rip off his land.
What?! That's a serious charge
against a knight. I trust you have proof.
Oh, I do. Follow me.
- Wait!
A king does not follow a captive,
however weird he may be.
Sorry, King, go ahead.
Downstairs and to your left, King.
Sir Mordred put him down here.
Poor guy's just skin and bones.
It appears he's wasted away to nothing.
- If indeed he ever was here.
Mordred, I'm told you're involved in a... what?
Land grab.
- Wresting property from free men.
A blatant lie, Your Majesty!
My honour had been impugned.
I demand satisfaction on the field!
- Again?!
He has that right, though I've lost
some good knights that way.
Maybe I made a mistake.
Maybe he said Moorhead, not Mordred.
A joust to the death!
- You wouldn't change that to chess?
Chess? To the death?
- I demand satisfaction!
Oh, dear. Tut tut tut. So be it.
It shall be decided tomorrow.
I'll tell you one thing! No more nice guy me!
- I think you can safely say that.
(WHISPERS) Clarence, are you alone?
- Go away.
My hours are numbered as it is.
I've got a proposition for you.
This is yours to keep
if you'll help me get outta here.
If you don't fight Sir Mordred,
you'll be banished from England for ever.
That still beats a sharp stick in the chest.
What do you say?
There's a rope by the old chapel.
I'll be there at...
What's that?
- 9 o'clock.
What news upon my worthy opponent?
- We've searched the castle. He has fled.
Obviously he's cast his spell on the guards
and fled, which gives little satisfaction to me!
If he has not made an appearance soon,
we'll consider him vanquished.
And with it, I trust, his heinous charges
against Sir Mordred, my liege.
Hello, what's this?
Oh, Father, he looks so handsome!
All in white
with his little red, white and blue flag.
We must give him something to take
into battle and his world beyond.
You shall not have your victory
without bloodletting after all.
My pleasure! Let's get on with it!
Oh, Thomas, it would make me most proud
if you'd carry something of mine into battle.
Please, wear this.
Oh, it's from Father, too.
- (BLEEPS) Thank you.
Is it over yet?
- Not yet.
But the maid Alisande is talking
to your twin brother.
He's not my brother. Sandi?
- Yes.
He's a humanoid, a robot.
When we reset his staticizer,
I programmed him to joust for me.
Well, if thou say so.
.. I wouldn't dare speak like this
if I ever had to face you again.
But since you're going to be killed, I see
no harm in revealing my feelings for you.
Clarence, I think she likes me!
- We really have no time for this.
If one of Sir Mordred's servants found us
here, I dare not contemplate his wrath.
All right, Hermes, that's enough.
Put her down and get on with the joust.
He's programmed to react,
but this is sheer insubordination.
Hermes, put the girl down and go on
with the joust. That's an order.
(BLEEPS) You feel soft.
I feel soft?
That's it? That's all you have to say?
- (BLEEPS) Later.
There is no later. I can turn you off
as fast as she can turn you on!
Get what thou seeks
and let us vacate these chambers.
You're right.
Should somebody should tell him
his arm's missing?
I cannot intercede. I made the rule.
How's it going?
Ah, look at that.
Hermes, turn around and do it again.
You just have to keep going
till you can't go any longer.
How's Hermes doing?
- Not very well, I'm afraid.
He seems to have lost his head.
- Hermes is cool.
Oh, you mean REALLY lost his head!
I'm sorry, Hermes,
but this is to save England.
I have seen similar phenomena
in chickens, My Lord.
This is England, sire.
Sir Mordred.
Can you not put an end to this?
It has long ceased to be sport.
As Your Majesty knows,
tradition demands he must yield or die!
Well, at least it's out of its misery. Come.
The contest is over down there.
- How's Hermes?
Done for.
- Maybe I can put him together again.
All the King's horses and all the King's men
couldn't do that.
Look at this! This is it! Just wait till King
Arthur gets a load of this! C'mon, let's go!
Pity. I was becoming rather attached to it,
whatever it was.
It will no longer be a source of torment.
I've despatched it from our midst for all time.
With your permission, I will
keep these remains for my laboratory...
.. and gain an insight into its origins
and feeding habits.
Yes, well, do as you please, Merlin,
but tidy up thoroughly.
Merlin... Oh, I'm sorry.
Might I prevail upon you to change
my father over there into his old self?
It's seems...
- Later, later, my child!
More important matters
demand my attention.
You and your father can wait in my quarters.
Wait a minute!
Everybody, stay right where you are!
Merlin, keep your mitts off Hermes!
Sandi, I'm all right.
- You are?
This is too much!
You reproduce yourself like a lizard's toe!
You change colours like a chameleon!
- I have documentary proof that Mordred
is acquiring territory, arms and men
for a takeover.
How did you acquire such holdings?
I see you've been levying your own taxes.
To what ends, Sir Mordred? Well?
To take over Camelot and, with it, England.
He sees himself in your chair, King.
Seize that knight!
- Death to Arthur!
Stop him!
Gawain, there's something unholy about this.
Wouldn't it be better to let him rest in peace?
Perhaps a dandelion poultice would help.
It's not as bad as I thought.
I can bypass his synthesiser
and keep his command analyser functioning.
Maybe you can do something about Father.
- I told you, I saw your father. I talked to him.
Are you certain? He's about 12 stone
and five-foot-nine.
He may be a little taller than that now.
We must thank you for revealing Mordred's
treachery. Is there no way we can repay you?
No. I'm glad to help out.
We must inspect the castle defences.
I'm worried about Mordred's attack.
I may be able to help out there.
Hang in there, Hermes,
we'll have you up and about in no time.
- No hard feelings about the joust?
You are so brave, Hermes.
Oh, don't worry, he's resting comfortably.
Clarence, weren't you supposed
to help hide the valuables?
So... er...
.. how would you like
a personally conducted tour of Stardust?
Oh... I think not.
I've got some LPs you haven't heard.
Fleetwood Mac, Rolling Stones.
Thanks, anyway.
Hey... why the hot and cold bit?
Didn't you say before the joust
that you felt... pangs?
Oh, Thomas, I made an awful fool of myself.
I didn't know who or what I was talking to.
I bared my heart to... to your brother here
and it turns out that
he's full of wiggly things and smoke.
Look, Sandi, I'm just as human as you are.
I've got a mother and a father.
He's an optometrist in Poughkeepsie.
I squeaked through high school, but I did get
a masters at college and lettered in baseball.
I took Mona Shanks to the senior prom
and struck out there.
I've got a good job. What more do you want?
I am just an average American boy!
Don't you understand that?
Oh, come on, Father.
Maybe we can get to see Merlin now.
Keep a sharp eye.
Fear not, sire, we shall defend our castle,
whatever the cost may be.
We shall fight on the beach heads,
we shall fight on the landing grounds,
we shall fight in the courtyards
and in the halls, we shall never surrender!
I'll be darned!
- Well said, Winston!
They'll probably come from the north.
- They'll come from the south.
Mordred will make an assault on the gates
with battering rams and superior forces.
They'll have to bridge the moat first.
I have the answer to that.
You do?
- Yes, sir.
See that hay cart down there?
- We can all see the hay cart.
What wizardry hast thou now?
- This is called a laser gun.
Hermes was supposed to use it on planets
for collecting rock samples.
You pull the trigger there and don't point it
at anything that you wanna keep.
A cart is a cart. Let's see how effective
it is against the stone walls of Camelot.
Wait one second.
- Now?
Well, what do you think?
- Well...
I have always had the highest regard
for you, Tom.
I remain, sire, your most obedient servant.
Gawain, please, cease thy fawning prattle.
This is very dangerous. Be careful
it doesn't fall into the wrong hands.
Don't worry, King, I keep it handy at all times.
Oaf... it's going to be impossible
for Mordred to take Camelot
with that American and his magic candle.
Oaf kill!
No. Arthur would have
an immediate investigation.
There's more than one way to skin a cat,
though it could get pretty sticky!
Find that demented girl and tell her
the magician will see her
in the lower chambers.
And I will take care of the American.
You understand what you are to do, Oaf?
Now, you be nice to the magician
when he sees you. He's there to help.
Merlin is expecting us.
The first visit is two gold coins
payable at time of treatment.
The magician will see you now.
Well, my dear, what is the matter?
I'm all right, sire, it's Father...
Let me go! Let me go!
Get rid of that accursed goose!
Don't eat it!
There'll be feathers all over the place!
Let me go!
Where is she?
- I know not, sire.
I was told that she would meet you here.
She wanted to hear some of your... LPs.
Fiendishly clever, the American.
Who else would've thought to hide it there?
But he did not reckon with the clairvoyant
powers of the invincible Merlin!
Will it make a big noise again?
- Hope not.
I had the cotton packed too tightly last time.
That's why it exploded.
He's trying to get thrust to propel the craft
into the air. Can't you see that?
Very good, Hermes.
- ( BLEEPS) Where's Sandi?
Forget about her. I cooled my heels for three
hours waiting for her. She and I are through.
You put her out of your mind, too.
- (BLEEPS) That's not easy.
OK, here goes.
I'm terribly sorry.
Use that dagger when Mordred attacks.
- I think I can fix it.
Hey, what have you got there?
- It's a goose, as anyone can plainly see.
It's a gander. Where did you find him?
- It was on the moat.
Then it flew up to the parapet.
He'll make a splendid supper.
No, he won't. Keep him in protective custody.
And... not that I care, but...
where was the girl?
There was no girl about, just him.
I did hear a woman scream from yon wood.
- I saw her with Oaf, going to Merlin's room.
That quack?
King, I think we're in trouble.
You haven't misplaced her there?
- The laser gun's gone.
Who'd take it?
- Merlin!
He lured me out
by saying Sandi would meet me.
Merlin and Mordred?
- Absolutely! They're in cahoots!
- They're partners. Where'd he take her?
The seaside is awfully nice this time of year.
- This is serious!
Mordred's camp, no doubt.
- We've got to do something!
Don't look at me.
- I'll take care of it myself.
You're not going after the wench?
- The poor kid needs help!
I got it! King, I need your armour.
Oh, really!
You keep forgetting you're a prisoner. I don't
lend prisoners my armour. The answer is no.
Then Mordred will reduce Camelot to dust.
Well, perhaps my workaday armour.
No, your Sunday go-to-meeting armour,
the shiniest you've got!
Page, fetch it.
Sounds like some monstrous cat.
- Like none I've ever heard.
What has it coughed up now?
It's a fine cart, but where do the oxen go?
- King, this is a battery-powered lunar rover.
This is the soil sampler... I'll explain later.
Clarence, buff me up.
I can't understand this fuss over a girl. I can
find you five girls more comely than that one.
But not as dingy. Lower the drawbridge!
- I saw when the bridge is to be lowered!
I told you that.
- I'm sorry, but I'm in a hurry.
Lower the bridge!
Hold the fort until I get back.
Alas, we won't see him again.
This passageway
will give us access to the castle.
At dawn, you will engage the defenders
until the drawbridge can be lowered.
Won't this passage be defended?
- It is my secret passage.
The King has no knowledge of it.
- We'll do our best.
Have your men present in force
when the portcullis is raised.
Enough to crush all resistance!
- Sire!
Sire, something approaches the camp.
- Something?
It has two eyes that light up the night
and makes strange breathing sounds.
Call out the guards!
It is the American. He has taken the bait.
It's King Arthur himself.
- No, it's Tom Trimble.
I've come for Alisande.
- You shouldn't have come! They'll kill you!
With your choice of weapons!
- Get behind me.
That will serve little purpose. We have seen
the awesome power of the magic candle.
It will annihilate you both in a flash.
Now, Mordred, do the honours.
Any parting words, American?
- I'd like to speak to Sandi for a second.
Be brief.
- All right.
Sandi, I just want you to know
that I groove on you.
My idea of heaven would be to split a pizza
and a 6-pack while watching the Super Bowl,
maybe smooch a little at the half.
Well, what do you think?
- Any news of Father?
Didn't you hear? I told you I loved you!
- I'm not going all through that again.
On the other hand,
if it's between you and Oaf...
.. I'll take you.
- Great! Pull down my visor. Get behind me.
(TOM) Fire at will, Mordred!
Mordred, cease before you destroy
your entire force.
He has bewitched it!
Stop them!
Oaf, hold these two! I'll settle with them later!
On to the tunnel!
Six o'clock and all's well!
(WHISPERS) Come on!
Oaf... Oaf... look.
To eat. You... eat.
Sit on my lap!
- No!
Sit on my lap!
Put your arm around me. It's safer.
Are you taking me to your nest?
- No, Camelot.
I hope it's got the same landlord
when we get there!
Capture the gatehouse!
Look, sire, it's Tom!
- Ahhhhhh!
Well done!
Once more! The gatehouse!
Come on!
Stand to!
(MORDRED) Lower the drawbridge!
Raise the portcullis!
Thank you, Tom. Well done.
Thank you. Well done.
Never have so many owed so much
to one man.
What a nice thought.
Look out!
Stop those bowmen!
Oh, really! I've told you before, never turn
your back on the enemy. It's dangerous.
It's no way to be found after the battle.
Clarence! Sandi! The winch!
Come, Clarence, hurry!
Free the winch!
No, no! No, no, no!
OK, lower me down to the ledge.
We're to lower him to the ledge.
Make them pay dearly for every inch!
.. activate all systems.
Fire rocket engines one, two and three.
This American's wings must be clipped
if we are to save the day.
Do not fear the contrivance! It has no power!
(TOM) Engage left thruster.
Activate thrusters as your sensors
warn of approaching danger.
Whoa! Take me back up to the ledge!
- You're too heavy!
# Oh, say can you see... #
Hermes, close the hatch.
Not so fast!
Destroy the American! He is our nemesis!
Hermes, set both magnetic fields on pulse.
He must be destroyed! Get him!
- Go on!
Get him!
A purse for the man who finishes him!
Increase power of magnetic fields.
Clarence, it's getting heavier!
The King said this armour was solid gold.
It's not.
I think he's in trouble.
- What kind?
It's difficult to say, but don't look, Sandi.
Hermes, cut the power!
Come on, Father.
King, take 'em downtown and book 'em.
- Thank you, Tom.
We owe you our kingdom.
Hooray! Hooray!
Gee, I don't know what to say.
Such distinguished company.
King Arthur, Sir Lancelot, Sir Galahad...
Sir Gawain.
- Sir Gawain.
I will retire this chair and if ever you return,
your place at the Round Table will be here.
Boy, they're never gonna believe this
at the Cape! Yes, they will!
Everybody, group up there
for the photograph.
The what?
- I'll show you in a minute.
Bunch in. Sandi, you and your father get over
here. Clarence, scrunch in next to the king.
Put your arm around him, King.
Hurry up! And everybody say cheese!
(ALL) Cheese?
Now, King, this is what I mean
by a photograph.
That's me!
- Yes, the whole gang!
King, you take this. When Merlin gets out,
it'll drive him bananas.
- Yep.
Er... Sandi, could I talk to you for a second?
.. I'm going now.
I wish I could take you with me.
There's so many things I'd like to show you.
My old MG, my ten-speed.
The Space Mound, the Grand Canyon.
That would be very nice.
But I just don't know if you'd survive the trip.
You could age 1,000 years
before we re-entered.
I understand
and thank you for getting Merlin
to change my father back into his old self.
Would... Would you give this
to Hermes, please?
Clarence, I wanna thank you.
You helped change the course of history.
Did I?
- You certainly did.
Thank you, Hermes.
This is a token of our appreciation.
If it fails, will he stay with us?
- We have a place for him in the chapel.
- Don't bother me. I've important work to do.
It's from his Uncle Sam.
- Really? How nice.
Minus 10 and counting.
9, 8...
- Let's see if we can get off the ground.
.. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Blast off.
We have lift-off.
We did it!
From Sandi.
"Dear Hermes, I think you are sweet
and I will remember you fondly,
"but there can never be anything serious
between us.
"I have given the matter a lot of thought
and I like Tom best,
"but it was not an easy decision. Alisande. "
Is the clock winding the right way?
Year 680.
- Good man.
We're travelling 290,000 miles a second
and someone wants us to move over?
So that's where you've been lately.
Look at that. "Father" laid an egg!
How could we have been so wrong (?)
- Not bad for a goose over 100 years old.
You're right.
You're right! He... She hasn't changed a bit!
Look at her feathers, look at her eyes!
That means that Sandi wouldn't age either!
Hermes, right thruster - 180 degrees!
What on earth will you do with her?
- You mean, what will I do with her on earth?
Live happily ever after. Isn't that what you're
supposed to do in a situation like this?