War of the Roses, The (1989) Movie Script
Do you have some valid reasons
for wanting a divorce?
Excuse me.
My sinuses are very sensitive to irritants.
Mm!
In the past five months,...
..I think I've breathed freely,
with both sides working, maybe a week total.
I gotta cut this out. It's gonna kill me.
I hadn't smoked for 13 years.
I kept the last cigarette from my last pack.
I said if I never smoke this One cigarette...
..I'll never smoke again, period.
Here.
I had this little case made for it.
See?
And then, one Thursday afternoon,...
..Barbara came to see me.
And when she left...
you know where I am
if you change your mind.
Barbara and Oliver Rose.
you'd have heard of 'em, except I kept
what happened out of the papers.
I think you should hear the story, though.
It might matter to you.
I won't start the clock yet.
My fee is $450 an hour.
When a man who makes $450 an hour
wants to tell you something for free,...
..you should listen.
They met... Great.
They agreed on that.
But, the way I saw it,
the poor bastards never had a chance.
It was the final day of the season
in Nantucket.
A nor'easter was blowing
the last of the tourists off the island.
The next item up for bid
is an exquisite Japanese carving, circa 1700.
A rare relief of a Shinto goddess,
very richly detailed.
- The intricacies of the Orient...
- $10!
I have $10 from the premature young man
in the grey raincoat.
- Do I hear 15?
- 11.
$11. Ladies and gentlemen,
please, do I hear 15?
- 20.
- $20. I have $20, ladies and gentlemen.
Do I hear 25 for this
exceptionally exotic item?
- $30.
- 31.
$31. All right, I have $31,
ladies and gentlemen. Is this my final offer?
Ladies and gentlemen, 31, going once...
- $40.
- $40! 40. Do I hear 45?
- 50. Five-0.
- $50. I have $50. Do I hear 60?
- $50, going once. Going twice.
Sold... to the pretty lady in the white sweater.
- Do you know how much it's worth?
- Doesn't matter. I'm not selling.
$250.
Well, I guess I have a good eye.
I gotta catch the last ferry.
Wait a minute. Let me carry that for you.
Here. Put this on.
Oh!
- I love the rain.
- God, I love it, too.
I know what you're thinking. Harvard Law,
woo, woo, woo! But I got a scholarship.
I'm not rich or anything. I'm brilliant.
- What about you?
- I'm not rich or brilliant.
- Where are you going to school?
- Madison. I got a scholarship. Gymnastics.
I don't know, though.
My body's getting kinda big.
It looks, uh...
Like a pendulum -
the longer it is, the slower you move.
My vaults and tumbling aren't what
they were. My strength moves are good.
your strength moves?
- I love Nantucket.
Oh! I'm gonna miss the ferry.
- Thanks for walking me. Bye.
- Wait! What's your name?
Barbara!
Barbara!
Wait a second! I've got a great idea!
-
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Never, never, never apologise
for being multiorgasmic.
I honestly didn't know I was.
Oh, bless you!
Bless you.
If we end up together,...
..then this is the most romantic day
of my whole life.
And if we don't,...
..then I'm a complete slut.
This is the story
we're gonna tell our grandchildren.
- Uh-oh.
Uh-oh!
It's the return of the bald avenger.
-
And a happy New Year
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
On Sesame Street
OK, that's the sixth time.
Now turn it off, honey.
Merry Christmas, Bird.
-
- Honey, give me those papers.
- Say please.
- Please.
- No.
- Where are they?
- I don't got.
- Nice try.
- Thanks.
-
Hello! Mom's home!
- Get over here, you squeezy! Squozy!
Ohh, up we go!
Come on, you.
- All right.
- Hi, honey.
Yeah, now you go in that chair. Got it?
Well, you're gonna go in this one, lady.
- Hey! I got you...
- Is that for me?
- There's green for you.
- Oh, thanks.
And it's red for you.
- It's not a good idea to give them sweets.
- Oh, no. It is.
I read that kids who are deprived
of sweets and candies all the time,...
..they get obsessed by it
and they turn out to be obese.
Kids who get it all the time,
it's no big deal - they turn out normal.
And... here.
Being a waitress on Christmas Eve's
very profitable.
- What do you think, guys?
- Ah! Nice!
OK.
I have to put it on the tree! Josh, look!
What do you think?
Hmm...
- Looks like tin foil.
- No, you're right. It doesn't make it.
I'll learn.
- Let's go for a walk.
- I gotta finish this.
- Just a quick stroll. Come on.
- It's freezing outside. It's snowing.
Yes. And I'm still asking you to take a walk.
Why, huh?
- Where are we going?
- Just to the corner.
Barbara, I have work to do.
I can't be walking around here in the snow.
OK, we're at the corner.
So what do you wanna do now? Walk back?
- No, I wanna go for a ride in your car.
- I don't have a car.
- You got me a Morgan?
- Yes!
Oh, ho, ho!
I don't believe it! A Morgan! A Morgan!
- The cook's brother brought it from England.
- It's got a little rust. I'll restore it.
- How much you pay?
- It's a present. I used my money.
Your money is our money.
Can we afford this?
You are gonna be so successful, this may be
our last opportunity to worry about money.
Come on! Here. Get in.
It's a right-hand drive.
- Well, are you happy?
- I'm more than happy. I'm way past happy.
I'm married.
Sounds like a fairy tale, doesn't it?
And it was.
My father used to say: "There are four things
that tell the world who a man is."
"His house, his car, his wife, and his shoes."
Oliver didn't have the house yet,
but he was definitely moving up in the world.
He'd only been with the firm six months...
..when he decided to have the senior partners
over to his new apartment for dinner.
He had his eye on the future.
So did I.
Pretty lady, lovely lady
May I have this dance with you?
Can I hold...
Ah, what a night!
Elke, Elke. Wait a minute.
We're eating with elderly people now.
Keep that closed.
- Where you been? Come on!
- Oliver, this is Elke.
- Elke, this is Oliver.
- Hi.
Come on. Come on.
Here is to Oliver and Gavin...
..for a job well done
on Kentucky versus Brunswick Coal.
Hear, hear!
- Hell of a litigation.
- Thank you.
I couldn't have done it without you, Oliver.
This man has a face
juries can't help but believe.
Gavin told the state attorney general
that if he didn't settle,...
..next election he'd be running as a gelding.
-
Well, let's drink up.
- Good night, Mom.
- Oh! Good night, sweethearts.
- Mom?
- Yeah?
Can I take some more dessert to our room?
OK! Time for bed. Let's go.
- Guess not.
- Kiss... Kiss.
Kiss Daddy.
- Good night, sweetheart.
- Good night.
- Good night, buddy.
- Good night, Dad.
Sleep well.
I used to be chubby as a kid. Yeah.
- Let's eat.
- Yeah.
Oh, my!
Whatever flavour is this?
No, don't tell me. Let me think now. Uh...
- It isn't apples.
- You make something with apples.
- No. Unless you mean baked apples?
- Prunes?
No. Wait a minute. Um...
This is a very special taste...
- Raisins!
- It isn't pears.
Um... fresh fig with, uh... a little cognac.
- Figs! I never would have thought of figs!
- I never would have guessed.
- Mm. It's fantastic, isn't it, Elke?
- Mm-hm.
It's absolutely spectacular.
- Mrs Marshall, more wine?
- Please.
- Your crystal is lovely.
- Thank you.
- It's not Waterford.
- Baccarat.
Then we are paying our associates too much!
-
Actually, we got it quite reasonably.
It's... It's kind of an interesting story.
Why don't you tell it, Barb?
-
Well... we were in Paris...
It was our fifth anniversary.
Mm.
We'd had lunch in this wonderful place in
the market district, called the Pa-day Crishon.
- Pied de Cochon.
- Thanks.
We were wandering around
and we came upon the...
..Rue de Paradis,...
..where the Baccarat
has its factory and museum.
I didn't know about this before I met Oliver.
My mother bought her glasses at the A&P.
You know, the kind with the raised flowers
that always chipped off after a few weeks.
- They were always yellow, remember?
- Heh-heh-heh!
Anyway, here we were in this immense room
filled with all that Baccarat had ever made.
A field of crystal. It was so... so pretty.
I mean, I felt...
..whatever the word.
And suddenly, from the next room,
we heard the sound of glass breaking.
Well, I looked at Oliver and Oliver
looked at me, and then... Oh, ye... No.
Before that,
there was this big, black limousine.
Now, this is important.
Well, before the limousine...
To make a long story short, a couple
had ordered a design for their anniversary.
When it was ready,
they were getting a divorce.
The woman had smashed her half,...
..and I convinced the man to sell us
his half cheap -just to spite her.
Heh-heh-heh-heh!
And, uh... that's our Baccarat story.
Well, I think everybody
had a great time, don't you?
- To make a long story short, no.
- I'm sorry. you were just rambling on...
Tell your own story next time you care
so desperately what everybody thinks.
Fuckface!
- They're my bosses.
- They're Gavin's bosses, too.
It didn't stop him
from getting a footjob at dinner.
Gavin doesn't care about making partner.
He doesn't have a wife and kids. I do.
You wanna keep living in this apartment?
Because you do not buy a house
on an associate's salary.
At least, not the kind of house that we want.
OK, I care what they think.
I care, all right? I care.
Shoot me.
And that phoney laugh.
- "Heh-heh-heh..."
- That was a genuine laugh.
"Heh-heh-heh-heh..."
OK. All right, all right! Maybe I overdid it.
I was just trying to keep things going.
God, I hope they didn't notice
what a jerk I am.
They never seem to.
-
"Dear Homeowner,...
..I love your house!"
"If you ever consider selling,
please... contact me."
"Barbara Rose."
Mom! I'm gonna be late for practice!
You've been doing this for a year
and nobody's called.
This is a great house. I love this house.
It's a waste of time.
I bet I get this house. Five bucks.
Five bucks.
Man...!
- Hello.
- Oh! I was just leaving a note.
How kind. Please, won't you come in?
All right.
-
I don't believe we've met.
- Barbara Rose.
- I'm Maureen.
I don't remember Mother mentioning you,
but she had so many friends.
Oh! Oh, I'm very sorry.
Thank you. She went peacefully.
What am I going to do with this old place?
I just can't bear to put it up for sale and have
a bunch of strangers tromping through it.
If I could just find someone
who would love it as much as Mom did.
That's more important to me
than whatever money we get for it.
If you know anybody
who might be interested...
Can we go up and pick our rooms?
- We can do whatever we want. It's our house.
Who gets first pick? As if I had to ask.
Oh, don't get scared. We'll do it together.
I just feel kind of strange.
I mean, this house is so beautiful...
..and we live here.
This is who we are? This is me?
Mmm!
- I'll be home early.
- Where are you going?
To work. I wish I didn't have to,
but somebody's got to pay for all this.
- It's Saturday.
- Come on, this is a great day.
You got the fun part!
Kitchen first.
Everything was working for the Roses.
Let me restate that.
The Roses were working for everything.
Over the next six years, Oliver dug in.
Made senior partner.
The kids lopped off 70, 80 pounds.
And Barbara laboured seven days a week...
..to create the perfect home
that Oliver always dreamed of.
Not easy for a girl who grew up
drinking her milk...
..from glasses with chipped, yellow flowers.
There were a million choices...
and she sweated every one of 'em.
She refinished all the tables herself.
It took six months
to get the floors exactly right.
A hundred Sundays to find the perfect
Staffordshire figures and plates...
..that she put over the fireplace.
When you work that hard on something,...
..eventually you have to finish
and face the awful question:
"What's left to do?"
- Are you working?
- Yes. Is it important?
Yes. Kind of. I hope so.
Stephanie Mayes called
to say thank you for dinner the other night.
She said the pt I made was so good
I should go into business.
So I asked her if she really meant it
and she said she did,...
..so I took a pound over to her
and collected $35.
I'd almost forgotten
what it felt like to make money.
- You sold liver to our friends?
- She paid me in cash, Oliver.
Somehow that felt different
from the money I get cashing a cheque.
It made me feel like...
trading in the Volvo on one of those...
..four-wheel drive things with the big,
knobby tyres and the 200-horsepower engine.
So I did. I'm gonna pick it up tomorrow.
Thank you so much for telling me.
And you think that you... need this?
I mean, the Volvo was a fine car.
- I'll pay for it with my own money.
- How much does it cost?
All right, I know it was kind of crazy
but I just... wanted it, OK?
So you only have to sell
Maybe I will. Maybe I'm starting a business.
- But if you don't want me to, uh...
- No. No, no, no, no. you do it.
Do it. Do it.
I'm doing it.
-
Wait a minute. Wait one minute.
I do not understand. What's the, uh...
..what's the attitude?
I told you I would handle it.
Yeah, and I didn't see anything happening
so I went to Ed and I set up the interview.
- I would have done it.
- Yeah, but sometimes you need a little push.
We all need a little push.
We agreed that,
if you're doing this liver bit,...
..we would need someone
to take care of the house, right?
Right, Oliver. Right again.
Oh, come on. Let's not argue, OK?
Just think about it for a minute!
If you don't want to interview the lady,
I will send her home.
I'm only trying to make your life easier.
Somehow the thought of a stranger living
in my house just seems weird, you know?
Doesn't it? I don't mean just for us,
but for you, too.
- Oh, but then I guess you do this all the time.
- No, no.
I try this as a means of finding
room and board and a little money.
I'm also attending a few classes
at William and Mary College.
- But that won't interfere with my duties.
- Well...
That's great. I'm happy for you - really.
- So, do I get the job?
- The fact is, Susan, I don't need a live-in.
This was my husband's suggestion.
I have raised two kids on my own
and now they're about to go off to college.
- They were both accepted at Harvard.
- Mm, that's a nice school, too.
Thanks.
So anyway, it'll just be
Oliver and me here at home.
Although I am getting going
my own catering business.
But let's face it,
I don't need to work for the money.
And that does not make me one of these
women who is married to a successful man...
..and has dedicated her life
to him and her children...
..and then has to validate herself as a human
being, because her children are leaving her,...
..by studying photography
or opening an art gallery...
..or going into interior design
in her husband's office. No!
I have a wonderful house,
crammed with beautiful things.
I did this house myself. I did a great job.
Not that I am necessarily
a slave to materialism. No.
But I am proud
of what I have accomplished,...
..although I suppose some people find my life
disgusting. Disgusting is too strong a word.
No, I would not say that many people
would respect the choices I have made,...
..although women would. Women like me.
But then I don't care what they think
because I can't stand who they are.
What I'm trying to say, Susan,
is that I don't need a live-in.
Well... thanks for the interview
and good luck, and God bless you.
I would like you to understand...
..that, if I were to hire you,
my life would probably change.
you would be this new element in the house.
-
Well...
Let me show you where your room is.
Hey. Hey! Hey, Bennie. Dumb dog.
Hey, Bennie!
- Come on. Let's see if he'll go for it again.
Bennie! Hi-yah!
Yeah, dumb.
-
Oh, the Bennie boy.
The Bennie-Bennie-Bennie boy. Yes.
He's the best boy. He's the best boy!
We love our good boy.
He's a good boy! We love our Bennie boy.
Yes, a pretty dog! He's a pretty dog!
-
Rose residence.
- Susan, is that for me?
- It's for Josh.
- Are you expecting a call?
- Jason Larrabee said he'd confirm lunch.
I'm trying to land him as a client.
The word around town is he's up
for a Cabinet post. I wish he'd call.
He will.
Did you get a chance
to look over that contract for me?
- What contract?
- On the consulate luncheon I'm doing.
- Oh, yeah. No, but I'll read it this weekend.
- OK.
No. No, not OK.
I have to sign it tomorrow. I gave it
to you last week, but it's probably fine.
- I'll read it now.
- Oh, no, don't bother.
No. Get it.
Sure.
What? What is it?
It's a fly. Where'd it go?
On the fridge.
Stay upwind of him.
Aha! How about that?
Not bad, huh?
- I admire your technique.
Hello.
Mr Larrabee, hi. How are you?
No! No, no, it's not too late.
Could you hang on just one second
while I use the other phone?
Thank you.
Yes, sir. I'm looking forward to that, too.
No, no, no. Course you're not bothering me.
Lawyers, we never sleep. Heh-heh-heh!
I'm available to you, sir, 24 hours a...
-
Who left the appliances on in the kitchen?
It sounds like who knows what!
I must have hit some switches when I was
cleaning up. You know how that can happen.
I got great news.
Lunch is on tomorrow with Larrabee.
I'm gonna meet him
at his club in Philadelphia.
He's mine!
Look how crazy you are
about yourself right now.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't apologise.
I live with the assumption that all guys
owe an apology to the woman they live with.
You're so full of shit.
So, where's that little contract of yours?
Maybe I can up your price, huh?
Where is it?
- You sure it's all right?
- My fee's going up.
Better get me while you can afford me.
- I don't want you to read it.
- Let me have it.
I got you
and I'm not gonna let you get away!
-
Let me go.
Let me go! Let go!
Let go of it! Let go!
-
Ah, Jesus!
Whoo! Whoo, whoo!
- Ooh!
You think you're pretty strong,
don't you?
What the hell is wrong with you?
If you're with a woman for any length of time,
eventually you'll ask her that question.
If she doesn't answer, that's trouble.
And when trouble begins, it comes at you
from directions you'd never expect.
Oliver was a sitting duck.
I think you're gonna be
very well served by our firm,...
..especially if the rumours are true.
Well, there may be a Senate
confirmation hearing in my future.
- We could definitely be of help with that.
- Yes. Waiter... Ohh!
- What's the matter?
- Nothing. I'm fine.
- Could I have some more coffee, please?
- Certainly, sir.
Regarding your Senate confirmation,...
..it may not be a bad idea for us
to have your personal asset liability...
-
- Oliver?
Do you think you're having a heart attack?
- Call an ambulance!
- Wipe that stuff off his chin.
- Hang in there, Oliver.
- Call my wife.
-
You're doing just fine.
- Somebody called for the defibrillator.
- Right here.
How's it goin'?
You may be the only person
I'm doing better than.
The wife stabbed me in the stomach.
With a nail file this time.
- She's training to be a manicurist.
- Oh.
- They make good money, you know?
- I'm trying to get a doctor for you, babe.
They always feel bad after.
Mr Rose? I'm Dr Gordon.
This is my associate.
- Dr Hillerman. Jason Larrabee called us.
- How are his vital signs?
- We were here first.
- We'll be with you in just a moment.
Babes, take it easy.
Can't you see the guy's dying over here?
- Did someone call my wife?
- Yes.
I need to write her a note...
in case she doesn't get here in time.
- Let's get him to CICU.
- Jeff, let's go.
I'll get the pen back once we get there.
- Is my wife here?
- I don't think so.
-
Get me some pictures. Upper GI.
You're gonna have to swallow some barium.
But you'll like it. It's peppermint flavoured.
Nothing is more important
than the hors d'oeuvres.
That's where people
make their first judgment.
Perdname, seora. La seora Rose
ha recibido una llamada urgente.
- There's an urgent phone call for you.
- Oh.
Hello?
Oh, God!
Oh, my God! All right. I'm leaving right now.
- My husband's had a heart attack.
- That happened to my mother.
Don't worry. your luncheon's gonna
be terrific. Everything's gonna be great.
The x-rays showed an oesophageal tear.
It's commonly known as a hiatal hernia.
Right there.
The pain symptoms are identical to angina.
Stress, coffee, spicy foods, gas.
Your nerve endings get irritated. You know
what that's like. Not pleasant, but not fatal.
Could you get this hiatal hernia, say...
..by being squeezed
between someone's legs?
No.
- So I'm not going to die?
- Eventually, but not today.
-
Thank you.
- You can wait right here.
- Thank you.
Oliver! You're alive!
Yeah, it was something else.
It wasn't the heart, it was a rip. A tear.
You're alive!
- So what are you gonna do?
- Wait for Barbara to pick me up.
- I'll wait with you.
- Good.
Think we can get that nurse to come
back here with a bottle of musk oil?
- She should be here any minute.
- Yeah.
It's stuffy in these places.
- I got us enough booze for the whole trip.
- Thanks.
I couldn't remember whether you wanted
a twist, so I got you some just in case.
Thank you, Gavin.
- Salud.
- Salud.
All those lives going on out there...
People we'll never meet...
experiencing things we'll never know.
We can't know.
In your own life, by this point,
you think you know what's gonna be but...
- But you don't know.
- You don't know.
It's always just when you think
you got it figured out...
..when, bingo, something comes along
and knocks you right on your ass.
Why do you think Barbara
didn't come to the hospital?
I don't know.
She probably had a good reason.
-
Hiya, Bennie. Come here, sweetheart.
Where is everybody, huh?
I guess you're the only one who
gives a damn about me in this family.
-
Oliver!
You don't know how happy I am to see you!
- You didn't come to the hospital.
- No.
No. Well, I called and...
..well, everything seemed to be...
under control.
I just... I didn't want to disturb you.
Disturb me?
Well, I wasn't doing much. Just dying.
Oliver! You weren't dying.
- You didn't even call.
- Of course I did. I talked to someone.
- Not to me.
- Well, I talked to a nurse and...
..she said that you weren't dying.
Well, I thought I was dying!
I wrote you a note...
in case you didn't get there in time.
I can't read your handwriting.
I was on a gurney being rushed
to Intensive Care in excruciating pain.
It says:
"My love, by the time you
receive this, I may be gone."
"My life was... fun...
..full... beyond my dreams."
"All I have... and all I am, I owe to you."
"You gave me courage
to surpass what I know I am,...
..the strength to..."
Oh, this is where I had a spasm.
Uh... I can't read it, but the next line says:
"I lie here, feeling my life ebb away."
"I cling to your image."
"I will take you with me to eternity."
"I cherish you."
"I thank merciful God for you."
I didn't have the strength to sign it.
I'm... I'm sure they, um...
..they would've told me who it was from.
I can't believe
you didn't call us at school, Mother.
I didn't see any point in alarming you until
there was something to be alarmed about.
Your mother
didn't want to disturb anybody today.
Yeah, well, you still should have called.
You should have.
I'm sure your mother didn't want
to worry you needlessly.
The important thing is your father is alive.
We've always been a family
that communicated.
If anything important happens,
everyone should know about it.
That's the rule.
Yeah.
Only you
Can make this world seem right
Only you, and you alone
Can thrill me like you do
And fill my heart with love
-
For only you...
-
- What's going on?
- I'm very upset.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning.
Turn the television off.
I wasn't sure why I didn't go to the hospital,
but now I think I know.
I'd just like to put today behind us, OK?
OK.
I was gonna drive to the hospital,
but I knew you were OK.
Cos I never think that anything really terrible
could happen to me or the kids or you.
And I was getting on the expressway,...
..and suddenly I had
this very strong feeling that you were dead.
And I knew what it would feel like
to be alone in this house,...
..to not have you in my life.
And I got so scared, I had to pull over.
Oh.
Well, you don't have to be scared any more.
I got scared because I felt happy.
You were happy because I was dead?
I was happy to be free.
Like a weight had been lifted.
- Like a weight had been lifted?
- Yeah.
So, how am I supposed to respond?
You tell me you wished I was dead?
I thought it was important.
-
I think you owe me an apology, Barbara.
If you have something to say,
I'd like to hear it.
I want a divorce.
No, you don't.
You can't have one!
I've thought about this a lot.
I really don't want
to be married to you any more.
Why do you want a divorce?
Did... did I do something?
Did I... did I not do something?
I can't give you specifics, Oliver.
- Well, try!
- I don't want to try!
Is there somebody else? Another man?
No.
- A woman?
- You wish.
I should be the one asking for a divorce!
I was rushed to hospital
suffering from severe...
- Indigestion.
- Oh-hoh-hoh...
Oh, you're such an expert
at making me look like ajerk.
OK, OK, OK. I'm sorry.
I'm the bad person.
Let's just blame me for this.
No! No. I think I need...
I think you owe me,...
..after this many pretty goddamn good
years of marriage, a solid reason.
I worked my ass off to make enough money
to provide you with a good life,...
..and you owe me a reason that makes sense.
So let's hear it.
Come on. Let's hear it. Let's hear it!
Because...
..when I watch you eat,...
..when I see you asleep,...
..when I look at you lately,...
..I just wanna smash your face in.
Come on, smash my face.
Come on. You wanna smash my face?
The next time... I hit back.
And you'd better get yourself
a damn good lawyer.
The best your money can buy.
- What does she want?
- Child support.
I've always taken care of my kids.
And they will be 18 in one year,
which makes it nice for you.
- What about alimony?
- Barbara, against my advice, waives alimony.
I'm making money with my business.
I get a lot of referrals. I can support myself.
Well, I'm a lucky guy.
My client is being more than fair, Mr Rose.
She's waived alimony and she's willing to
waive her rights against your law practice...
..in exchange for the house and all of
its contents, except your shaving gear and...
..his clothing?
- Everything I made went into that house.
- I found that house.
Every piece of furniture is where it is
because I put it there. It is my house.
If your client has finished yammering,
explain to her...
..that a wife does not
automatically get the house.
I thought you told her that
she was entitled to anything and everything.
- I told her what?
- Yes.
Here it is.
I quote: "My love,...
..by the time you..."
Boy, what a handwriting.
"By the time you receive this, I may be gone."
Uh... Blah, blah, blah...
"All I am and all I have, I owe to you."
You wrote this, Mr Rose?
Excuse me, Mr Thurmont, you tiny,
little, worm-like, infinitesimal prick,...
..could I have a word with my wife, please?
Certainly.
If this is a who-can-sink-lowest-fastest
contest, you won.
By showing him my letter,...
..you have sunk below
the deepest layer of prehistoric frog shit...
..at the bottom of a New Jersey scum swamp.
I may have let you have the house,
but now...
..you'll never get it.
You will never get that house.
Do you understand?
You will never get that house.
- We'll see.
- Yeah... we'll see.
Maybe I shouldn't have
let you see that letter.
Dear girl, by the time this is all over,...
..you'll think of today
as one of your lighter moments.
-
What do you call 500 lawyers
at the bottom of the ocean?
An excellent start.
I used to resent jokes like that.
Now I see them as simple truths.
- Lawyers...
Hello.
Honey, I can't talk right now.
I'm with a client.
Love you, miss you, want you... Bye!
I recently married.
Which is the last thing I ever thought
I'd do after what happened to the Roses.
When it comes to women...
I hope I'm a better man now than I was.
I know I'm a better lawyer,
when it comes to divorce.
I'll never make another mistake
like I made with Oliver.
Let's just concentrate on the job at hand.
She wants the house. You want the house.
- I'm the one who's living in a hotel room!
- Not for long.
- She claims she found the house.
- She did find it, right?
Yeah, but that's not the point. She says
she made it what it is. She didn't. She didn't.
I'm not keeping score but, if I were,
it'd be about 83 to 6 in my favour.
Of all the really... good stuff.
Those wonderful Staffordshire dogs...
In fact, most of the Staffordshires, I found.
And that Art-Deco rug and, uh...
And that stove in the kitchen? She wouldn't
have bought it if I hadn't pushed her!
Shoes. That's what she's good at buying.
I gotta have shelves in the closet
or she'd have them all over the place!
Here we go. You're gonna love this.
Civil Code, Title 16-9-0-4, Section C.
I used this once for a freebie divorce
I did for my cousin Paulie. Total loser.
Read.
"For the purposes of subsections
one and two of paragraphs..."
Here. Skip down to...
"Parties who have pursued separate lives..."
"Parties who have pursued separate
lives sharing neither bed nor board...
..shall be deemed to have lived apart...
..even though they reside
under the same roof..."
Even though they reside
under the same roof?
Yeah. The law was put on the books
for poor people:
folks who couldn't afford
separate residences. But we can use it.
- So I can move back in.
- If your divorce is settled in court,...
..it shows you're committed to the property.
Plus, you can see she doesn't sell the assets.
I can work on her,
get her to fold on the house.
No. No, Oliver, you don't even
deal with her. You avoid her.
Women can be a lot meaner than we think.
Never underestimate her as an adversary.
Don't talk to her.
No, no, no, I won't. Don't worry about me.
- Gavin... thank you.
- All right.
- All right, go on. Go home.
- This is the stupidest thing you've ever done!
- Second stupidest.
- You can't stay here!
- The law says I can.
Title 16-9-0-4, Section C.
Look it up, tootsie pie.
-
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la-la la-la la-la
Don we now our gay apparel...
OK, Mom, you're on.
Let me see that bag.
Is that what you're gonna put on top?
- Yes, it is.
- Fine.
- Josh, plug it in, please.
- All right.
- It's a short.
- It's not a short.
One of the ornaments
is touching the sockets.
Fine.
You take care of it, Oliver.
Come on, it's Christmas time.
Let's get festive.
- I have to go out.
- I got stuff I gotta do in my room.
- Oh, God, my house is on fire!
- Mine too, babe!
Really, you idiot!
Wait up, babe!
Oh, my God!
Omar, do something!
- Fire!
- Mom!
Fire! Fire!
Call the police! I'll get the extinguisher!
- Stay out of the way!
- Coming through!
"One: store in a cool place.
Two: hold upright, pull pin out." OK.
- "Three: stand back, aim away from face."
- Do it!
- Dad, hurry!
- All right! OK, OK! All right. OK, OK.
Dad! The curtain!
It's over. Thank God I was here!
The whole house could have gone up.
OK, OK. I'll get a sponge
and start cleaning up.
Maybe a rake... or a bulldozer.
It might not have been the lights.
You always know.
Rather than argue about who supposedly
did what, I'd like to reach some accord.
- Time is passing.
- I'd love to be done with this, too.
Right. If we leave settlement to the court,
the lawyers get everything!
So I've come up with a fair solution.
- You wanna hear it?
- Yes.
Now, I understand your point of view.
you've invested 18 years in this marriage.
That's worth a lot.
A tremendous amount. $163,800.
- How did you arrive at that number?
- Fairly.
- You do almost the same things as Susan.
- No! She's in college. She should make more.
Barbara!
There is no comparison whatsoever
between what she does and...
Her salary is a base, so I doubled it.
And that wasn't enough,
and then I tripled it,...
..and that's how I came up with this figure.
$490,633, approximately.
I shall give you that in cash. It won't be easy.
It'll be harder than hell,
but I'm gonna do it.
You just have to, you know,
agree to give up the house.
You owe me. You've gotten more out of
knowing me than I've got out of knowing you.
I'm not even gonna ask you what that means.
I found this house! I bought everything in it!
With my money! It's a lot easier to spend it
than it is to make it, honeybun!
You might not have made it
if not for me, sweet cakes!
You weren't even multiorgasmic
before you met me!
You expect me to keep
reassuring you sexually,...
..even now when we disgust each other?
-
Don't let this bother you.
It's all gonna work out.
The red areas are hers.
The yellow areas are mine.
Green is neutral.
The kitchen was difficult, but Barbara
came up with the idea of time allotment.
This seems rational to you both?
Yeah.
Oliver, my father used to say...
..that a man could never outdo a woman
when it came to love or revenge.
Why don't you let her have the house?
There are other houses. And other women.
No, no, no. I'm going to win because
I've got her to accept the ground rules.
Oliver, there is no winning in this.
It's only degrees of losing.
I got more square footage.
-
-
Sorry to disturb you, but I was wondering
if I could borrow a sleeping tablet.
- Did Oliver send you for it?
- No. Actually, no.
All right, you got me there.
Which is good,
because I'm uncomfortable with the charade.
It's nice to see somebody
still caring for somebody in this house.
- Good night, Susan.
- So, there will be no pills?
- Oh, kitty. Kitty, wait.
Kitty, kitty...
Do you want me to call around
to find an open drugstore?
I'll find one.
- Should I come?
- It's up to you.
- These are my favourite kind of cars.
- It's a Morgan.
Of course.
-
-
It's cosy.
-
- What was that?
- A bump of some sort.
Oh, Kitty! Oh, mein gott.
Look, why don't you go into the house
and find a large Ziploc bag?
- Ziploc?
- Yeah.
Oh, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty.
So much for the nine lives myth.
Here, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Pss, pss, pss!
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Here, puss, puss, puss!
Here, puss, puss, puss!
Pss, pss, pss.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Have you see my cat?
Are you talking to me?
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on, kitty.
Here, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Where are you, kitty? Come on!
Here, kitty, kitty!
Come on, kitty, kitty. Come on.
Here, puss, puss, puss.
Here, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...
- What did you do with my cat?
- You're letting the heat out.
I know something happened. Instead
of playing this game, what happened?
- You killed your cat, Barbara.
- What?
Yes. One damn Dalmane
and your kitty would be alive.
I had to get up in the middle of the night,
looking for Sominex, and I backed out the...
-
That supposed to scare me?
If you're looking for trouble, Barbara,
you found it!
Oh, God.
Oh...
-
What do you expect?
You killed my cat! You're making me nuts!
Will you please...? I'm asking you to leave!
No, it's my house...
..and I'm going to stay.
-
-
Frankly, I'm concerned
about you, Oliver. You look haggard.
I feel great.
I'll take time off
after the Larrabee confirmation hearings.
Why don't you take time before?
It's vital to the firm this comes off
without a hitch. I want you at your best.
-
I'm at my best. I won't let you down.
I'm in fantastic shape.
I thank you so much for caring.
- Mr D'Amato. There's someone in your office.
- Who?
- Use words, Mary Ann.
- Mrs Rose.
I didn't think I should leave her
in reception. What with all the... you know.
Yeah, I know... Yeah, I know!
Barbara.
You really shouldn't be here because
it might be viewed by some as unethical.
Well, I am here... ethical or not.
You don't mind if I tape this...
..just so no one gets confused
about what was said?
What's on your mind?
Well, since you're the one
who advised Oliver to move back in,...
..I thought you would advise him
to move out.
Why? Sounds like you two
have things worked out,...
..with the red areas and the green areas.
Gavin, ever since this thing started,
I've had trouble sleeping.
Most mornings I wake up sobbing.
I'm sorry. That's shitty.
But this morning... I woke up screaming.
And I couldn't stop.
I need this to end. This has to end!
- I suggested selling the house...
- No!
OK. You both seem to agree on that.
Gavin.
I don't have much money,
but I could pay you.
That'd be illegal.
Besides money,...
..what would it take
to get you to help me, Gavin?
Put your shoes on, Barbara.
I haven't been into feet since '82.
- Have you ever made angry love?
- Is there any other way?
Hey, hey!
Stop it!
This is ridiculous. Button up!
You wanna settle this? Let's all sit down
and work it out, find some compromise.
- There is no compromise.
- Then I can't help you.
Worth a shot.
You know where I am
if you change your mind.
Sometimes I wonder what might have
happened... if I'd taken her offer.
But I didn't.
I should have seen her toes
in the pit of my crotch as a cry for help.
- Stinking bitch.
- Dumb bastard.
- Slut.
- Scum.
- Filth.
- Faggot.
- Morning, Susan.
- Morning.
-
- I made you some sandwiches for the trip.
- I'm not hungry.
You may be hungry later.
Why don't you wrap these up?
There's some things I should tell you.
You're going off to college.
- You told me you loved me.
- Yes, I do love you.
And about drugs - don't do 'em. And sex -
don't catch anything. What else is there?
Just... about women.
Don't be led by your emotions.
Just cos you screwed up doesn't mean I will,
so don't try and put your shit off on me.
Josh. Don't leave like this.
- I'm pissed at you!
- So what do you want to do about it?
You wanna take a swing at me?
Is that gonna make you feel better?
Then go ahead.
What are you and Dad gonna do
to each other once we're not around?
Don't be silly.
Your father and I need some time alone
to work things out.
By the time summer school starts,
we'll have it settled.
Then I'll make a celebration dinner
and I'll bring it up - or you can come here.
We'll work it out.
- You promise?
- Sure.
You know I love you.
- My sweet girl.
- So...
I'll be back for my things.
I will be thinking the best for you.
So long.
- Take care, Susan.
- Goodbye!
- You have a great time, kids.
- Don't worry about us.
Bye!
Here, Bennie.
At 15, I became an evolutionist,
and it all became clear.
We came from mud.
And after 3.8 billion years of evolution,
at our core is still mud.
No divorce lawyer can doubt that.
We can nail her. She's having
a black-tie dinner at 8 o'clock tonight.
The food critic from The Post
called to confirm the time.
She sent me this phoney
exterminator's notice...
..saying the house is being gassed
for termites, so I'd stay away.
- She can have dinner parties.
- She lied about the exterminator.
She can lie.
She took two of my Staffordshire figures.
Any dealer would give you
at least $1,000 for them.
She is financing her dinner with my things.
I want to file criminal charges
and I want her thrown in jail.
- Unless you have proof, there aren't grounds.
- Wait a minute. Whose side are you on?
Did she get to you?
- Did you bang her?
- Not at all!
She was great. She was a gymnast.
She was?
Yeah.
Look, Oliver...
I lost my train of thought.
Come on, Gavin. Let's have her arrested.
I don't think you should stay in the house.
Sell the house and divide the proceeds.
No. You're selling me out. You don't
think I got the guts to go to the mat.
You don't want to go to this mat, Oliver.
Look. I respect you, Oliver.
You're a professional. I'm a professional.
As a professional and a friend,
I'm telling you, one way or another,...
..you're gonna lose. Give it up.
I understand what you're saying.
You're fired.
Now, some of the dishes tonight are new.
Some, I've no doubt made for you before.
But they are all my favourite dishes
as you are all my favourite clients.
Hello, darling. Sorry I'm late.
Well, I guess I'd better not sit too close
to anybody because I have a bit of a cold.
Atchoo!
-
-
Now I guess I'll go in and piss on the fish.
Oliver, these people are my clients.
you are messing with my business.
I have the food editor
from The Post out there.
Is everything all right?
- I would never humiliate you like this.
- You're not equipped to, honey.
Leaving so soon, baby doll? Huh?
A family tiff seems to be developing.
I don't know if we should leave, but
I definitely advise skipping the fish course.
-
No!
What...? What...? What are you doing?
What...? What are you doing?
Do you see what she's doing?
Do you see that?
-
-
-
Get out of the car, hon.
you're gonna have to kill me.
I mean it, Oliver.
You don't have the guts!
Come on. Come on!
This is absurd. It's just absurd.
OK, the gloves are off.
Look, I don't wanna create a scene.
I mean, I, uh,
live in this neighbourhood, too.
But the gloves are off!
Chickenshit.
-
Your guests would have loved this.
I expected a little more imagination
from you, Ollie.
Guess I'll go clean up.
-
Not the Staffordshires.
- You love them as much as I do.
- More.
Don't you touch that.
What are you doing?
- Give that to me!
- Let go!
- Give it to me!
Ugh!
Good night.
Bennie?
Bennie!
-
Bennie?
The Bermuda high-pressure system is
keeping hot weather in the Potomac area.
Look for a high today of 92 degrees.
Not a good day
to do strenuous exercise.
Good advice, especially
if you have respiratory problems.
Sara Murphy is at the Pentagon...
..with a report on whether women
still find uniforms sexy for men.
So far, it was a pretty normal
divorce scenario.
A few bruises, some broken dishes,
a pissed-on fish.
But I think you should have
a drink for this next part.
There are two dilemmas...
that rattle the human skull.
-
How do you hold onto someone
who won't stay?
And how do you get rid of someone
who won't go?
I opened a great old one, to let it breathe.
You look beautiful.
- I feel good.
- I do, too.
The Larrabee confirmation hearing
went very well today.
I was surprised, happily surprised,
by your invitation.
Thank you for the wine.
I hope it's not poisoned.
Same here.
- We've made a mess of things, Oliver.
- We sure have.
- I want to start living a normal life again.
- I do too, Barbara.
Sitting here like this,
it's... it's hard to believe we can't be happy.
We can be happy... just not together.
I want to ask you one last time to leave.
I can't do that. I won't.
You make so much money, Oliver.
You can buy another house
and replace everything.
Except you.
You may find this hard to believe...
but I still love you.
I still...
..want you.
- I find it hard to believe.
- What you can't believe is I don't want you.
Well, I... Yeah, I have
a problem with that. I mean,...
..I think I'm a good person, as people go...
What can we do to patch things up?
- I don't know.
- Tell me.
- I can't.
- Please.
- I don't know.
- Please tell me. Please?
- Just tell me.
- Stop it!
I guess you don't wanna talk about it.
No, I don't wanna talk about it.
Oliver,...
..if you don't get out of here now,
you have no idea how far I'll go.
How far? Tell me.
We've been horrible to each other,
but we had something - we still do.
We haven't passed any point of no return.
- I have.
- I'm not convinced.
Nobody who makes pt this good
can be all bad.
-
That depends on what the pt is made of.
Woof.
Bennie?
A good dog to the last bite.
Goddamn you!
Jesus Christ!
-
-
I'll give you the chandelier.
-
Barbara?
Shit!
You can't get out!
I'm gonna find you, sweetness.
I know this house too well!
Where the hell is she?
-
-
I guess I'm on top now. And you're helpless.
I can do anything I want.
Stop it! I mean it! Stop it!
-
Oh! Oh, God. Oh, you smell so dirty-sweet.
Oh, Barbie... Oh, we need this, Barbie. Yeah...
No, don't talk!
Don't talk. Oliver,...
..I want to say hello to the
bald avenger. Please.
You haven't called him that in years.
-
Oh, Barbara! Oh, Barbara! Oh!
Oh, yes!
-
Oh, Barbara... Ba...
-
Oh, God! Agh!
Was it as good for you as it was for me?
-
-
-
-
Oh, what's going on here?
-
Oh!
-
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were Barbara.
Mr Rose, what's going on here? Are you OK?
I'm... I'm fine. Fine.
Listen, Susan,...
..I'm in the middle of something now.
I... I... I really can't talk about it.
Let me get the door for you.
- Is Mrs Rose all right?
- Yes, she's fine.
Where is she? Is she OK?
You're sure she's all right?
Barbara. Susan's here!
- She wants to know if you're OK.
- Never better.
Thank you for dropping by, Susan.
Come outside with me, Mr Rose.
Let's go.
Wait a minute. I forgot something.
What?
- Barbara.
- No!
- Mr Rose! Mr Rose!
Oh, no!
Oh, mein Gott. Mrs Rose!
-
-
Only you
Can
Can
What fresh hell is this?
Only
you
Can
Hi.
I brought you a surprise.
Nah-nah na nah-nah na
You are a jerk.
I'll tell you what.
You say it's mine...
..and you can have everything in this house.
OK.
It's mine.
- Barbara.
Barbara! Barbara, I'm sorry.
Are you all right? You OK?
You OK?
Well, well, well!
I'd be glad to help you...
in exchange for the house.
No.
Please don't break
the terrazzo floor when you land.
Oh! That's better.
I'm gonna save you whether you like it or not.
That won't work.
It's too heavy. It'll pull you off.
It'll work.
-
Oliver!
Almost.
All right. All right.
I think I can swing this over to the balcony.
- Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
- What?
I loosened the bolt.
I was gonna drop it on you.
Ooh! Ooh, that's a good one.
Gavin! Gavin!
- Gavin...
- Uh, Susan, let me stop the car first!
Thank God you're here!
I thought you'd never arrive.
They're in there. They're over the edge!
I guess at this point, there's no
reason to be anything but absolutely honest.
Through all that's happened...
I always loved you.
I know.
And through all this,...
..you loved me too, didn't you?
-
Get that, would you, Oliver?
- No?
- No, no. OK, we go in.
Oh, mein Gott.
Oliver! Barbara!
- Gavin!
- Gavin!
- Gavin, get a ladder!
- OK!
I knew everything would be all right.
-
Gavin!
- Gavin!
- Gavin!
-
We're gonna be all right.
you see those two wires?
Yeah.
Each of them can hold... at least 200 pounds.
-
We're coming!
Mein Gott. They are dead.
-
Some story, huh?
What's the moral?
Other than dog people should marry
dog people and cat people, cat people.
I don't know.
It could be just this:
..a civilised divorce
is a contradiction in terms.
Maybe because of what happened,
I've become too traditional.
Maybe it's not natural
to stay married to one person for life.
My parents did it.
A few of 'em good!
So, look. Here it is.
We can begin.
When it comes to your wife,...
..I'm going to urge you to be generous
to the point of night sweats.
The all-important thing is to get you through
this as quickly and cleanly as possible...
..so that you can begin rebuilding your life.
OK?
Or...
..you can get up...
..and go home,...
..and try to find some shred...
..of what you once loved
about the sweetheart of your youth.
It's your life.
Take a minute.
Hi, what are you doing?
I'm coming home. Love you. Bye.
for wanting a divorce?
Excuse me.
My sinuses are very sensitive to irritants.
Mm!
In the past five months,...
..I think I've breathed freely,
with both sides working, maybe a week total.
I gotta cut this out. It's gonna kill me.
I hadn't smoked for 13 years.
I kept the last cigarette from my last pack.
I said if I never smoke this One cigarette...
..I'll never smoke again, period.
Here.
I had this little case made for it.
See?
And then, one Thursday afternoon,...
..Barbara came to see me.
And when she left...
you know where I am
if you change your mind.
Barbara and Oliver Rose.
you'd have heard of 'em, except I kept
what happened out of the papers.
I think you should hear the story, though.
It might matter to you.
I won't start the clock yet.
My fee is $450 an hour.
When a man who makes $450 an hour
wants to tell you something for free,...
..you should listen.
They met... Great.
They agreed on that.
But, the way I saw it,
the poor bastards never had a chance.
It was the final day of the season
in Nantucket.
A nor'easter was blowing
the last of the tourists off the island.
The next item up for bid
is an exquisite Japanese carving, circa 1700.
A rare relief of a Shinto goddess,
very richly detailed.
- The intricacies of the Orient...
- $10!
I have $10 from the premature young man
in the grey raincoat.
- Do I hear 15?
- 11.
$11. Ladies and gentlemen,
please, do I hear 15?
- 20.
- $20. I have $20, ladies and gentlemen.
Do I hear 25 for this
exceptionally exotic item?
- $30.
- 31.
$31. All right, I have $31,
ladies and gentlemen. Is this my final offer?
Ladies and gentlemen, 31, going once...
- $40.
- $40! 40. Do I hear 45?
- 50. Five-0.
- $50. I have $50. Do I hear 60?
- $50, going once. Going twice.
Sold... to the pretty lady in the white sweater.
- Do you know how much it's worth?
- Doesn't matter. I'm not selling.
$250.
Well, I guess I have a good eye.
I gotta catch the last ferry.
Wait a minute. Let me carry that for you.
Here. Put this on.
Oh!
- I love the rain.
- God, I love it, too.
I know what you're thinking. Harvard Law,
woo, woo, woo! But I got a scholarship.
I'm not rich or anything. I'm brilliant.
- What about you?
- I'm not rich or brilliant.
- Where are you going to school?
- Madison. I got a scholarship. Gymnastics.
I don't know, though.
My body's getting kinda big.
It looks, uh...
Like a pendulum -
the longer it is, the slower you move.
My vaults and tumbling aren't what
they were. My strength moves are good.
your strength moves?
- I love Nantucket.
Oh! I'm gonna miss the ferry.
- Thanks for walking me. Bye.
- Wait! What's your name?
Barbara!
Barbara!
Wait a second! I've got a great idea!
-
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Never, never, never apologise
for being multiorgasmic.
I honestly didn't know I was.
Oh, bless you!
Bless you.
If we end up together,...
..then this is the most romantic day
of my whole life.
And if we don't,...
..then I'm a complete slut.
This is the story
we're gonna tell our grandchildren.
- Uh-oh.
Uh-oh!
It's the return of the bald avenger.
-
And a happy New Year
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
On Sesame Street
OK, that's the sixth time.
Now turn it off, honey.
Merry Christmas, Bird.
-
- Honey, give me those papers.
- Say please.
- Please.
- No.
- Where are they?
- I don't got.
- Nice try.
- Thanks.
-
Hello! Mom's home!
- Get over here, you squeezy! Squozy!
Ohh, up we go!
Come on, you.
- All right.
- Hi, honey.
Yeah, now you go in that chair. Got it?
Well, you're gonna go in this one, lady.
- Hey! I got you...
- Is that for me?
- There's green for you.
- Oh, thanks.
And it's red for you.
- It's not a good idea to give them sweets.
- Oh, no. It is.
I read that kids who are deprived
of sweets and candies all the time,...
..they get obsessed by it
and they turn out to be obese.
Kids who get it all the time,
it's no big deal - they turn out normal.
And... here.
Being a waitress on Christmas Eve's
very profitable.
- What do you think, guys?
- Ah! Nice!
OK.
I have to put it on the tree! Josh, look!
What do you think?
Hmm...
- Looks like tin foil.
- No, you're right. It doesn't make it.
I'll learn.
- Let's go for a walk.
- I gotta finish this.
- Just a quick stroll. Come on.
- It's freezing outside. It's snowing.
Yes. And I'm still asking you to take a walk.
Why, huh?
- Where are we going?
- Just to the corner.
Barbara, I have work to do.
I can't be walking around here in the snow.
OK, we're at the corner.
So what do you wanna do now? Walk back?
- No, I wanna go for a ride in your car.
- I don't have a car.
- You got me a Morgan?
- Yes!
Oh, ho, ho!
I don't believe it! A Morgan! A Morgan!
- The cook's brother brought it from England.
- It's got a little rust. I'll restore it.
- How much you pay?
- It's a present. I used my money.
Your money is our money.
Can we afford this?
You are gonna be so successful, this may be
our last opportunity to worry about money.
Come on! Here. Get in.
It's a right-hand drive.
- Well, are you happy?
- I'm more than happy. I'm way past happy.
I'm married.
Sounds like a fairy tale, doesn't it?
And it was.
My father used to say: "There are four things
that tell the world who a man is."
"His house, his car, his wife, and his shoes."
Oliver didn't have the house yet,
but he was definitely moving up in the world.
He'd only been with the firm six months...
..when he decided to have the senior partners
over to his new apartment for dinner.
He had his eye on the future.
So did I.
Pretty lady, lovely lady
May I have this dance with you?
Can I hold...
Ah, what a night!
Elke, Elke. Wait a minute.
We're eating with elderly people now.
Keep that closed.
- Where you been? Come on!
- Oliver, this is Elke.
- Elke, this is Oliver.
- Hi.
Come on. Come on.
Here is to Oliver and Gavin...
..for a job well done
on Kentucky versus Brunswick Coal.
Hear, hear!
- Hell of a litigation.
- Thank you.
I couldn't have done it without you, Oliver.
This man has a face
juries can't help but believe.
Gavin told the state attorney general
that if he didn't settle,...
..next election he'd be running as a gelding.
-
Well, let's drink up.
- Good night, Mom.
- Oh! Good night, sweethearts.
- Mom?
- Yeah?
Can I take some more dessert to our room?
OK! Time for bed. Let's go.
- Guess not.
- Kiss... Kiss.
Kiss Daddy.
- Good night, sweetheart.
- Good night.
- Good night, buddy.
- Good night, Dad.
Sleep well.
I used to be chubby as a kid. Yeah.
- Let's eat.
- Yeah.
Oh, my!
Whatever flavour is this?
No, don't tell me. Let me think now. Uh...
- It isn't apples.
- You make something with apples.
- No. Unless you mean baked apples?
- Prunes?
No. Wait a minute. Um...
This is a very special taste...
- Raisins!
- It isn't pears.
Um... fresh fig with, uh... a little cognac.
- Figs! I never would have thought of figs!
- I never would have guessed.
- Mm. It's fantastic, isn't it, Elke?
- Mm-hm.
It's absolutely spectacular.
- Mrs Marshall, more wine?
- Please.
- Your crystal is lovely.
- Thank you.
- It's not Waterford.
- Baccarat.
Then we are paying our associates too much!
-
Actually, we got it quite reasonably.
It's... It's kind of an interesting story.
Why don't you tell it, Barb?
-
Well... we were in Paris...
It was our fifth anniversary.
Mm.
We'd had lunch in this wonderful place in
the market district, called the Pa-day Crishon.
- Pied de Cochon.
- Thanks.
We were wandering around
and we came upon the...
..Rue de Paradis,...
..where the Baccarat
has its factory and museum.
I didn't know about this before I met Oliver.
My mother bought her glasses at the A&P.
You know, the kind with the raised flowers
that always chipped off after a few weeks.
- They were always yellow, remember?
- Heh-heh-heh!
Anyway, here we were in this immense room
filled with all that Baccarat had ever made.
A field of crystal. It was so... so pretty.
I mean, I felt...
..whatever the word.
And suddenly, from the next room,
we heard the sound of glass breaking.
Well, I looked at Oliver and Oliver
looked at me, and then... Oh, ye... No.
Before that,
there was this big, black limousine.
Now, this is important.
Well, before the limousine...
To make a long story short, a couple
had ordered a design for their anniversary.
When it was ready,
they were getting a divorce.
The woman had smashed her half,...
..and I convinced the man to sell us
his half cheap -just to spite her.
Heh-heh-heh-heh!
And, uh... that's our Baccarat story.
Well, I think everybody
had a great time, don't you?
- To make a long story short, no.
- I'm sorry. you were just rambling on...
Tell your own story next time you care
so desperately what everybody thinks.
Fuckface!
- They're my bosses.
- They're Gavin's bosses, too.
It didn't stop him
from getting a footjob at dinner.
Gavin doesn't care about making partner.
He doesn't have a wife and kids. I do.
You wanna keep living in this apartment?
Because you do not buy a house
on an associate's salary.
At least, not the kind of house that we want.
OK, I care what they think.
I care, all right? I care.
Shoot me.
And that phoney laugh.
- "Heh-heh-heh..."
- That was a genuine laugh.
"Heh-heh-heh-heh..."
OK. All right, all right! Maybe I overdid it.
I was just trying to keep things going.
God, I hope they didn't notice
what a jerk I am.
They never seem to.
-
"Dear Homeowner,...
..I love your house!"
"If you ever consider selling,
please... contact me."
"Barbara Rose."
Mom! I'm gonna be late for practice!
You've been doing this for a year
and nobody's called.
This is a great house. I love this house.
It's a waste of time.
I bet I get this house. Five bucks.
Five bucks.
Man...!
- Hello.
- Oh! I was just leaving a note.
How kind. Please, won't you come in?
All right.
-
I don't believe we've met.
- Barbara Rose.
- I'm Maureen.
I don't remember Mother mentioning you,
but she had so many friends.
Oh! Oh, I'm very sorry.
Thank you. She went peacefully.
What am I going to do with this old place?
I just can't bear to put it up for sale and have
a bunch of strangers tromping through it.
If I could just find someone
who would love it as much as Mom did.
That's more important to me
than whatever money we get for it.
If you know anybody
who might be interested...
Can we go up and pick our rooms?
- We can do whatever we want. It's our house.
Who gets first pick? As if I had to ask.
Oh, don't get scared. We'll do it together.
I just feel kind of strange.
I mean, this house is so beautiful...
..and we live here.
This is who we are? This is me?
Mmm!
- I'll be home early.
- Where are you going?
To work. I wish I didn't have to,
but somebody's got to pay for all this.
- It's Saturday.
- Come on, this is a great day.
You got the fun part!
Kitchen first.
Everything was working for the Roses.
Let me restate that.
The Roses were working for everything.
Over the next six years, Oliver dug in.
Made senior partner.
The kids lopped off 70, 80 pounds.
And Barbara laboured seven days a week...
..to create the perfect home
that Oliver always dreamed of.
Not easy for a girl who grew up
drinking her milk...
..from glasses with chipped, yellow flowers.
There were a million choices...
and she sweated every one of 'em.
She refinished all the tables herself.
It took six months
to get the floors exactly right.
A hundred Sundays to find the perfect
Staffordshire figures and plates...
..that she put over the fireplace.
When you work that hard on something,...
..eventually you have to finish
and face the awful question:
"What's left to do?"
- Are you working?
- Yes. Is it important?
Yes. Kind of. I hope so.
Stephanie Mayes called
to say thank you for dinner the other night.
She said the pt I made was so good
I should go into business.
So I asked her if she really meant it
and she said she did,...
..so I took a pound over to her
and collected $35.
I'd almost forgotten
what it felt like to make money.
- You sold liver to our friends?
- She paid me in cash, Oliver.
Somehow that felt different
from the money I get cashing a cheque.
It made me feel like...
trading in the Volvo on one of those...
..four-wheel drive things with the big,
knobby tyres and the 200-horsepower engine.
So I did. I'm gonna pick it up tomorrow.
Thank you so much for telling me.
And you think that you... need this?
I mean, the Volvo was a fine car.
- I'll pay for it with my own money.
- How much does it cost?
All right, I know it was kind of crazy
but I just... wanted it, OK?
So you only have to sell
Maybe I will. Maybe I'm starting a business.
- But if you don't want me to, uh...
- No. No, no, no, no. you do it.
Do it. Do it.
I'm doing it.
-
Wait a minute. Wait one minute.
I do not understand. What's the, uh...
..what's the attitude?
I told you I would handle it.
Yeah, and I didn't see anything happening
so I went to Ed and I set up the interview.
- I would have done it.
- Yeah, but sometimes you need a little push.
We all need a little push.
We agreed that,
if you're doing this liver bit,...
..we would need someone
to take care of the house, right?
Right, Oliver. Right again.
Oh, come on. Let's not argue, OK?
Just think about it for a minute!
If you don't want to interview the lady,
I will send her home.
I'm only trying to make your life easier.
Somehow the thought of a stranger living
in my house just seems weird, you know?
Doesn't it? I don't mean just for us,
but for you, too.
- Oh, but then I guess you do this all the time.
- No, no.
I try this as a means of finding
room and board and a little money.
I'm also attending a few classes
at William and Mary College.
- But that won't interfere with my duties.
- Well...
That's great. I'm happy for you - really.
- So, do I get the job?
- The fact is, Susan, I don't need a live-in.
This was my husband's suggestion.
I have raised two kids on my own
and now they're about to go off to college.
- They were both accepted at Harvard.
- Mm, that's a nice school, too.
Thanks.
So anyway, it'll just be
Oliver and me here at home.
Although I am getting going
my own catering business.
But let's face it,
I don't need to work for the money.
And that does not make me one of these
women who is married to a successful man...
..and has dedicated her life
to him and her children...
..and then has to validate herself as a human
being, because her children are leaving her,...
..by studying photography
or opening an art gallery...
..or going into interior design
in her husband's office. No!
I have a wonderful house,
crammed with beautiful things.
I did this house myself. I did a great job.
Not that I am necessarily
a slave to materialism. No.
But I am proud
of what I have accomplished,...
..although I suppose some people find my life
disgusting. Disgusting is too strong a word.
No, I would not say that many people
would respect the choices I have made,...
..although women would. Women like me.
But then I don't care what they think
because I can't stand who they are.
What I'm trying to say, Susan,
is that I don't need a live-in.
Well... thanks for the interview
and good luck, and God bless you.
I would like you to understand...
..that, if I were to hire you,
my life would probably change.
you would be this new element in the house.
-
Well...
Let me show you where your room is.
Hey. Hey! Hey, Bennie. Dumb dog.
Hey, Bennie!
- Come on. Let's see if he'll go for it again.
Bennie! Hi-yah!
Yeah, dumb.
-
Oh, the Bennie boy.
The Bennie-Bennie-Bennie boy. Yes.
He's the best boy. He's the best boy!
We love our good boy.
He's a good boy! We love our Bennie boy.
Yes, a pretty dog! He's a pretty dog!
-
Rose residence.
- Susan, is that for me?
- It's for Josh.
- Are you expecting a call?
- Jason Larrabee said he'd confirm lunch.
I'm trying to land him as a client.
The word around town is he's up
for a Cabinet post. I wish he'd call.
He will.
Did you get a chance
to look over that contract for me?
- What contract?
- On the consulate luncheon I'm doing.
- Oh, yeah. No, but I'll read it this weekend.
- OK.
No. No, not OK.
I have to sign it tomorrow. I gave it
to you last week, but it's probably fine.
- I'll read it now.
- Oh, no, don't bother.
No. Get it.
Sure.
What? What is it?
It's a fly. Where'd it go?
On the fridge.
Stay upwind of him.
Aha! How about that?
Not bad, huh?
- I admire your technique.
Hello.
Mr Larrabee, hi. How are you?
No! No, no, it's not too late.
Could you hang on just one second
while I use the other phone?
Thank you.
Yes, sir. I'm looking forward to that, too.
No, no, no. Course you're not bothering me.
Lawyers, we never sleep. Heh-heh-heh!
I'm available to you, sir, 24 hours a...
-
Who left the appliances on in the kitchen?
It sounds like who knows what!
I must have hit some switches when I was
cleaning up. You know how that can happen.
I got great news.
Lunch is on tomorrow with Larrabee.
I'm gonna meet him
at his club in Philadelphia.
He's mine!
Look how crazy you are
about yourself right now.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't apologise.
I live with the assumption that all guys
owe an apology to the woman they live with.
You're so full of shit.
So, where's that little contract of yours?
Maybe I can up your price, huh?
Where is it?
- You sure it's all right?
- My fee's going up.
Better get me while you can afford me.
- I don't want you to read it.
- Let me have it.
I got you
and I'm not gonna let you get away!
-
Let me go.
Let me go! Let go!
Let go of it! Let go!
-
Ah, Jesus!
Whoo! Whoo, whoo!
- Ooh!
You think you're pretty strong,
don't you?
What the hell is wrong with you?
If you're with a woman for any length of time,
eventually you'll ask her that question.
If she doesn't answer, that's trouble.
And when trouble begins, it comes at you
from directions you'd never expect.
Oliver was a sitting duck.
I think you're gonna be
very well served by our firm,...
..especially if the rumours are true.
Well, there may be a Senate
confirmation hearing in my future.
- We could definitely be of help with that.
- Yes. Waiter... Ohh!
- What's the matter?
- Nothing. I'm fine.
- Could I have some more coffee, please?
- Certainly, sir.
Regarding your Senate confirmation,...
..it may not be a bad idea for us
to have your personal asset liability...
-
- Oliver?
Do you think you're having a heart attack?
- Call an ambulance!
- Wipe that stuff off his chin.
- Hang in there, Oliver.
- Call my wife.
-
You're doing just fine.
- Somebody called for the defibrillator.
- Right here.
How's it goin'?
You may be the only person
I'm doing better than.
The wife stabbed me in the stomach.
With a nail file this time.
- She's training to be a manicurist.
- Oh.
- They make good money, you know?
- I'm trying to get a doctor for you, babe.
They always feel bad after.
Mr Rose? I'm Dr Gordon.
This is my associate.
- Dr Hillerman. Jason Larrabee called us.
- How are his vital signs?
- We were here first.
- We'll be with you in just a moment.
Babes, take it easy.
Can't you see the guy's dying over here?
- Did someone call my wife?
- Yes.
I need to write her a note...
in case she doesn't get here in time.
- Let's get him to CICU.
- Jeff, let's go.
I'll get the pen back once we get there.
- Is my wife here?
- I don't think so.
-
Get me some pictures. Upper GI.
You're gonna have to swallow some barium.
But you'll like it. It's peppermint flavoured.
Nothing is more important
than the hors d'oeuvres.
That's where people
make their first judgment.
Perdname, seora. La seora Rose
ha recibido una llamada urgente.
- There's an urgent phone call for you.
- Oh.
Hello?
Oh, God!
Oh, my God! All right. I'm leaving right now.
- My husband's had a heart attack.
- That happened to my mother.
Don't worry. your luncheon's gonna
be terrific. Everything's gonna be great.
The x-rays showed an oesophageal tear.
It's commonly known as a hiatal hernia.
Right there.
The pain symptoms are identical to angina.
Stress, coffee, spicy foods, gas.
Your nerve endings get irritated. You know
what that's like. Not pleasant, but not fatal.
Could you get this hiatal hernia, say...
..by being squeezed
between someone's legs?
No.
- So I'm not going to die?
- Eventually, but not today.
-
Thank you.
- You can wait right here.
- Thank you.
Oliver! You're alive!
Yeah, it was something else.
It wasn't the heart, it was a rip. A tear.
You're alive!
- So what are you gonna do?
- Wait for Barbara to pick me up.
- I'll wait with you.
- Good.
Think we can get that nurse to come
back here with a bottle of musk oil?
- She should be here any minute.
- Yeah.
It's stuffy in these places.
- I got us enough booze for the whole trip.
- Thanks.
I couldn't remember whether you wanted
a twist, so I got you some just in case.
Thank you, Gavin.
- Salud.
- Salud.
All those lives going on out there...
People we'll never meet...
experiencing things we'll never know.
We can't know.
In your own life, by this point,
you think you know what's gonna be but...
- But you don't know.
- You don't know.
It's always just when you think
you got it figured out...
..when, bingo, something comes along
and knocks you right on your ass.
Why do you think Barbara
didn't come to the hospital?
I don't know.
She probably had a good reason.
-
Hiya, Bennie. Come here, sweetheart.
Where is everybody, huh?
I guess you're the only one who
gives a damn about me in this family.
-
Oliver!
You don't know how happy I am to see you!
- You didn't come to the hospital.
- No.
No. Well, I called and...
..well, everything seemed to be...
under control.
I just... I didn't want to disturb you.
Disturb me?
Well, I wasn't doing much. Just dying.
Oliver! You weren't dying.
- You didn't even call.
- Of course I did. I talked to someone.
- Not to me.
- Well, I talked to a nurse and...
..she said that you weren't dying.
Well, I thought I was dying!
I wrote you a note...
in case you didn't get there in time.
I can't read your handwriting.
I was on a gurney being rushed
to Intensive Care in excruciating pain.
It says:
"My love, by the time you
receive this, I may be gone."
"My life was... fun...
..full... beyond my dreams."
"All I have... and all I am, I owe to you."
"You gave me courage
to surpass what I know I am,...
..the strength to..."
Oh, this is where I had a spasm.
Uh... I can't read it, but the next line says:
"I lie here, feeling my life ebb away."
"I cling to your image."
"I will take you with me to eternity."
"I cherish you."
"I thank merciful God for you."
I didn't have the strength to sign it.
I'm... I'm sure they, um...
..they would've told me who it was from.
I can't believe
you didn't call us at school, Mother.
I didn't see any point in alarming you until
there was something to be alarmed about.
Your mother
didn't want to disturb anybody today.
Yeah, well, you still should have called.
You should have.
I'm sure your mother didn't want
to worry you needlessly.
The important thing is your father is alive.
We've always been a family
that communicated.
If anything important happens,
everyone should know about it.
That's the rule.
Yeah.
Only you
Can make this world seem right
Only you, and you alone
Can thrill me like you do
And fill my heart with love
-
For only you...
-
- What's going on?
- I'm very upset.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning.
Turn the television off.
I wasn't sure why I didn't go to the hospital,
but now I think I know.
I'd just like to put today behind us, OK?
OK.
I was gonna drive to the hospital,
but I knew you were OK.
Cos I never think that anything really terrible
could happen to me or the kids or you.
And I was getting on the expressway,...
..and suddenly I had
this very strong feeling that you were dead.
And I knew what it would feel like
to be alone in this house,...
..to not have you in my life.
And I got so scared, I had to pull over.
Oh.
Well, you don't have to be scared any more.
I got scared because I felt happy.
You were happy because I was dead?
I was happy to be free.
Like a weight had been lifted.
- Like a weight had been lifted?
- Yeah.
So, how am I supposed to respond?
You tell me you wished I was dead?
I thought it was important.
-
I think you owe me an apology, Barbara.
If you have something to say,
I'd like to hear it.
I want a divorce.
No, you don't.
You can't have one!
I've thought about this a lot.
I really don't want
to be married to you any more.
Why do you want a divorce?
Did... did I do something?
Did I... did I not do something?
I can't give you specifics, Oliver.
- Well, try!
- I don't want to try!
Is there somebody else? Another man?
No.
- A woman?
- You wish.
I should be the one asking for a divorce!
I was rushed to hospital
suffering from severe...
- Indigestion.
- Oh-hoh-hoh...
Oh, you're such an expert
at making me look like ajerk.
OK, OK, OK. I'm sorry.
I'm the bad person.
Let's just blame me for this.
No! No. I think I need...
I think you owe me,...
..after this many pretty goddamn good
years of marriage, a solid reason.
I worked my ass off to make enough money
to provide you with a good life,...
..and you owe me a reason that makes sense.
So let's hear it.
Come on. Let's hear it. Let's hear it!
Because...
..when I watch you eat,...
..when I see you asleep,...
..when I look at you lately,...
..I just wanna smash your face in.
Come on, smash my face.
Come on. You wanna smash my face?
The next time... I hit back.
And you'd better get yourself
a damn good lawyer.
The best your money can buy.
- What does she want?
- Child support.
I've always taken care of my kids.
And they will be 18 in one year,
which makes it nice for you.
- What about alimony?
- Barbara, against my advice, waives alimony.
I'm making money with my business.
I get a lot of referrals. I can support myself.
Well, I'm a lucky guy.
My client is being more than fair, Mr Rose.
She's waived alimony and she's willing to
waive her rights against your law practice...
..in exchange for the house and all of
its contents, except your shaving gear and...
..his clothing?
- Everything I made went into that house.
- I found that house.
Every piece of furniture is where it is
because I put it there. It is my house.
If your client has finished yammering,
explain to her...
..that a wife does not
automatically get the house.
I thought you told her that
she was entitled to anything and everything.
- I told her what?
- Yes.
Here it is.
I quote: "My love,...
..by the time you..."
Boy, what a handwriting.
"By the time you receive this, I may be gone."
Uh... Blah, blah, blah...
"All I am and all I have, I owe to you."
You wrote this, Mr Rose?
Excuse me, Mr Thurmont, you tiny,
little, worm-like, infinitesimal prick,...
..could I have a word with my wife, please?
Certainly.
If this is a who-can-sink-lowest-fastest
contest, you won.
By showing him my letter,...
..you have sunk below
the deepest layer of prehistoric frog shit...
..at the bottom of a New Jersey scum swamp.
I may have let you have the house,
but now...
..you'll never get it.
You will never get that house.
Do you understand?
You will never get that house.
- We'll see.
- Yeah... we'll see.
Maybe I shouldn't have
let you see that letter.
Dear girl, by the time this is all over,...
..you'll think of today
as one of your lighter moments.
-
What do you call 500 lawyers
at the bottom of the ocean?
An excellent start.
I used to resent jokes like that.
Now I see them as simple truths.
- Lawyers...
Hello.
Honey, I can't talk right now.
I'm with a client.
Love you, miss you, want you... Bye!
I recently married.
Which is the last thing I ever thought
I'd do after what happened to the Roses.
When it comes to women...
I hope I'm a better man now than I was.
I know I'm a better lawyer,
when it comes to divorce.
I'll never make another mistake
like I made with Oliver.
Let's just concentrate on the job at hand.
She wants the house. You want the house.
- I'm the one who's living in a hotel room!
- Not for long.
- She claims she found the house.
- She did find it, right?
Yeah, but that's not the point. She says
she made it what it is. She didn't. She didn't.
I'm not keeping score but, if I were,
it'd be about 83 to 6 in my favour.
Of all the really... good stuff.
Those wonderful Staffordshire dogs...
In fact, most of the Staffordshires, I found.
And that Art-Deco rug and, uh...
And that stove in the kitchen? She wouldn't
have bought it if I hadn't pushed her!
Shoes. That's what she's good at buying.
I gotta have shelves in the closet
or she'd have them all over the place!
Here we go. You're gonna love this.
Civil Code, Title 16-9-0-4, Section C.
I used this once for a freebie divorce
I did for my cousin Paulie. Total loser.
Read.
"For the purposes of subsections
one and two of paragraphs..."
Here. Skip down to...
"Parties who have pursued separate lives..."
"Parties who have pursued separate
lives sharing neither bed nor board...
..shall be deemed to have lived apart...
..even though they reside
under the same roof..."
Even though they reside
under the same roof?
Yeah. The law was put on the books
for poor people:
folks who couldn't afford
separate residences. But we can use it.
- So I can move back in.
- If your divorce is settled in court,...
..it shows you're committed to the property.
Plus, you can see she doesn't sell the assets.
I can work on her,
get her to fold on the house.
No. No, Oliver, you don't even
deal with her. You avoid her.
Women can be a lot meaner than we think.
Never underestimate her as an adversary.
Don't talk to her.
No, no, no, I won't. Don't worry about me.
- Gavin... thank you.
- All right.
- All right, go on. Go home.
- This is the stupidest thing you've ever done!
- Second stupidest.
- You can't stay here!
- The law says I can.
Title 16-9-0-4, Section C.
Look it up, tootsie pie.
-
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la-la la-la la-la
Don we now our gay apparel...
OK, Mom, you're on.
Let me see that bag.
Is that what you're gonna put on top?
- Yes, it is.
- Fine.
- Josh, plug it in, please.
- All right.
- It's a short.
- It's not a short.
One of the ornaments
is touching the sockets.
Fine.
You take care of it, Oliver.
Come on, it's Christmas time.
Let's get festive.
- I have to go out.
- I got stuff I gotta do in my room.
- Oh, God, my house is on fire!
- Mine too, babe!
Really, you idiot!
Wait up, babe!
Oh, my God!
Omar, do something!
- Fire!
- Mom!
Fire! Fire!
Call the police! I'll get the extinguisher!
- Stay out of the way!
- Coming through!
"One: store in a cool place.
Two: hold upright, pull pin out." OK.
- "Three: stand back, aim away from face."
- Do it!
- Dad, hurry!
- All right! OK, OK! All right. OK, OK.
Dad! The curtain!
It's over. Thank God I was here!
The whole house could have gone up.
OK, OK. I'll get a sponge
and start cleaning up.
Maybe a rake... or a bulldozer.
It might not have been the lights.
You always know.
Rather than argue about who supposedly
did what, I'd like to reach some accord.
- Time is passing.
- I'd love to be done with this, too.
Right. If we leave settlement to the court,
the lawyers get everything!
So I've come up with a fair solution.
- You wanna hear it?
- Yes.
Now, I understand your point of view.
you've invested 18 years in this marriage.
That's worth a lot.
A tremendous amount. $163,800.
- How did you arrive at that number?
- Fairly.
- You do almost the same things as Susan.
- No! She's in college. She should make more.
Barbara!
There is no comparison whatsoever
between what she does and...
Her salary is a base, so I doubled it.
And that wasn't enough,
and then I tripled it,...
..and that's how I came up with this figure.
$490,633, approximately.
I shall give you that in cash. It won't be easy.
It'll be harder than hell,
but I'm gonna do it.
You just have to, you know,
agree to give up the house.
You owe me. You've gotten more out of
knowing me than I've got out of knowing you.
I'm not even gonna ask you what that means.
I found this house! I bought everything in it!
With my money! It's a lot easier to spend it
than it is to make it, honeybun!
You might not have made it
if not for me, sweet cakes!
You weren't even multiorgasmic
before you met me!
You expect me to keep
reassuring you sexually,...
..even now when we disgust each other?
-
Don't let this bother you.
It's all gonna work out.
The red areas are hers.
The yellow areas are mine.
Green is neutral.
The kitchen was difficult, but Barbara
came up with the idea of time allotment.
This seems rational to you both?
Yeah.
Oliver, my father used to say...
..that a man could never outdo a woman
when it came to love or revenge.
Why don't you let her have the house?
There are other houses. And other women.
No, no, no. I'm going to win because
I've got her to accept the ground rules.
Oliver, there is no winning in this.
It's only degrees of losing.
I got more square footage.
-
-
Sorry to disturb you, but I was wondering
if I could borrow a sleeping tablet.
- Did Oliver send you for it?
- No. Actually, no.
All right, you got me there.
Which is good,
because I'm uncomfortable with the charade.
It's nice to see somebody
still caring for somebody in this house.
- Good night, Susan.
- So, there will be no pills?
- Oh, kitty. Kitty, wait.
Kitty, kitty...
Do you want me to call around
to find an open drugstore?
I'll find one.
- Should I come?
- It's up to you.
- These are my favourite kind of cars.
- It's a Morgan.
Of course.
-
-
It's cosy.
-
- What was that?
- A bump of some sort.
Oh, Kitty! Oh, mein gott.
Look, why don't you go into the house
and find a large Ziploc bag?
- Ziploc?
- Yeah.
Oh, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty.
So much for the nine lives myth.
Here, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Pss, pss, pss!
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Here, puss, puss, puss!
Here, puss, puss, puss!
Pss, pss, pss.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Have you see my cat?
Are you talking to me?
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on, kitty.
Here, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Where are you, kitty? Come on!
Here, kitty, kitty!
Come on, kitty, kitty. Come on.
Here, puss, puss, puss.
Here, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...
- What did you do with my cat?
- You're letting the heat out.
I know something happened. Instead
of playing this game, what happened?
- You killed your cat, Barbara.
- What?
Yes. One damn Dalmane
and your kitty would be alive.
I had to get up in the middle of the night,
looking for Sominex, and I backed out the...
-
That supposed to scare me?
If you're looking for trouble, Barbara,
you found it!
Oh, God.
Oh...
-
What do you expect?
You killed my cat! You're making me nuts!
Will you please...? I'm asking you to leave!
No, it's my house...
..and I'm going to stay.
-
-
Frankly, I'm concerned
about you, Oliver. You look haggard.
I feel great.
I'll take time off
after the Larrabee confirmation hearings.
Why don't you take time before?
It's vital to the firm this comes off
without a hitch. I want you at your best.
-
I'm at my best. I won't let you down.
I'm in fantastic shape.
I thank you so much for caring.
- Mr D'Amato. There's someone in your office.
- Who?
- Use words, Mary Ann.
- Mrs Rose.
I didn't think I should leave her
in reception. What with all the... you know.
Yeah, I know... Yeah, I know!
Barbara.
You really shouldn't be here because
it might be viewed by some as unethical.
Well, I am here... ethical or not.
You don't mind if I tape this...
..just so no one gets confused
about what was said?
What's on your mind?
Well, since you're the one
who advised Oliver to move back in,...
..I thought you would advise him
to move out.
Why? Sounds like you two
have things worked out,...
..with the red areas and the green areas.
Gavin, ever since this thing started,
I've had trouble sleeping.
Most mornings I wake up sobbing.
I'm sorry. That's shitty.
But this morning... I woke up screaming.
And I couldn't stop.
I need this to end. This has to end!
- I suggested selling the house...
- No!
OK. You both seem to agree on that.
Gavin.
I don't have much money,
but I could pay you.
That'd be illegal.
Besides money,...
..what would it take
to get you to help me, Gavin?
Put your shoes on, Barbara.
I haven't been into feet since '82.
- Have you ever made angry love?
- Is there any other way?
Hey, hey!
Stop it!
This is ridiculous. Button up!
You wanna settle this? Let's all sit down
and work it out, find some compromise.
- There is no compromise.
- Then I can't help you.
Worth a shot.
You know where I am
if you change your mind.
Sometimes I wonder what might have
happened... if I'd taken her offer.
But I didn't.
I should have seen her toes
in the pit of my crotch as a cry for help.
- Stinking bitch.
- Dumb bastard.
- Slut.
- Scum.
- Filth.
- Faggot.
- Morning, Susan.
- Morning.
-
- I made you some sandwiches for the trip.
- I'm not hungry.
You may be hungry later.
Why don't you wrap these up?
There's some things I should tell you.
You're going off to college.
- You told me you loved me.
- Yes, I do love you.
And about drugs - don't do 'em. And sex -
don't catch anything. What else is there?
Just... about women.
Don't be led by your emotions.
Just cos you screwed up doesn't mean I will,
so don't try and put your shit off on me.
Josh. Don't leave like this.
- I'm pissed at you!
- So what do you want to do about it?
You wanna take a swing at me?
Is that gonna make you feel better?
Then go ahead.
What are you and Dad gonna do
to each other once we're not around?
Don't be silly.
Your father and I need some time alone
to work things out.
By the time summer school starts,
we'll have it settled.
Then I'll make a celebration dinner
and I'll bring it up - or you can come here.
We'll work it out.
- You promise?
- Sure.
You know I love you.
- My sweet girl.
- So...
I'll be back for my things.
I will be thinking the best for you.
So long.
- Take care, Susan.
- Goodbye!
- You have a great time, kids.
- Don't worry about us.
Bye!
Here, Bennie.
At 15, I became an evolutionist,
and it all became clear.
We came from mud.
And after 3.8 billion years of evolution,
at our core is still mud.
No divorce lawyer can doubt that.
We can nail her. She's having
a black-tie dinner at 8 o'clock tonight.
The food critic from The Post
called to confirm the time.
She sent me this phoney
exterminator's notice...
..saying the house is being gassed
for termites, so I'd stay away.
- She can have dinner parties.
- She lied about the exterminator.
She can lie.
She took two of my Staffordshire figures.
Any dealer would give you
at least $1,000 for them.
She is financing her dinner with my things.
I want to file criminal charges
and I want her thrown in jail.
- Unless you have proof, there aren't grounds.
- Wait a minute. Whose side are you on?
Did she get to you?
- Did you bang her?
- Not at all!
She was great. She was a gymnast.
She was?
Yeah.
Look, Oliver...
I lost my train of thought.
Come on, Gavin. Let's have her arrested.
I don't think you should stay in the house.
Sell the house and divide the proceeds.
No. You're selling me out. You don't
think I got the guts to go to the mat.
You don't want to go to this mat, Oliver.
Look. I respect you, Oliver.
You're a professional. I'm a professional.
As a professional and a friend,
I'm telling you, one way or another,...
..you're gonna lose. Give it up.
I understand what you're saying.
You're fired.
Now, some of the dishes tonight are new.
Some, I've no doubt made for you before.
But they are all my favourite dishes
as you are all my favourite clients.
Hello, darling. Sorry I'm late.
Well, I guess I'd better not sit too close
to anybody because I have a bit of a cold.
Atchoo!
-
-
Now I guess I'll go in and piss on the fish.
Oliver, these people are my clients.
you are messing with my business.
I have the food editor
from The Post out there.
Is everything all right?
- I would never humiliate you like this.
- You're not equipped to, honey.
Leaving so soon, baby doll? Huh?
A family tiff seems to be developing.
I don't know if we should leave, but
I definitely advise skipping the fish course.
-
No!
What...? What...? What are you doing?
What...? What are you doing?
Do you see what she's doing?
Do you see that?
-
-
-
Get out of the car, hon.
you're gonna have to kill me.
I mean it, Oliver.
You don't have the guts!
Come on. Come on!
This is absurd. It's just absurd.
OK, the gloves are off.
Look, I don't wanna create a scene.
I mean, I, uh,
live in this neighbourhood, too.
But the gloves are off!
Chickenshit.
-
Your guests would have loved this.
I expected a little more imagination
from you, Ollie.
Guess I'll go clean up.
-
Not the Staffordshires.
- You love them as much as I do.
- More.
Don't you touch that.
What are you doing?
- Give that to me!
- Let go!
- Give it to me!
Ugh!
Good night.
Bennie?
Bennie!
-
Bennie?
The Bermuda high-pressure system is
keeping hot weather in the Potomac area.
Look for a high today of 92 degrees.
Not a good day
to do strenuous exercise.
Good advice, especially
if you have respiratory problems.
Sara Murphy is at the Pentagon...
..with a report on whether women
still find uniforms sexy for men.
So far, it was a pretty normal
divorce scenario.
A few bruises, some broken dishes,
a pissed-on fish.
But I think you should have
a drink for this next part.
There are two dilemmas...
that rattle the human skull.
-
How do you hold onto someone
who won't stay?
And how do you get rid of someone
who won't go?
I opened a great old one, to let it breathe.
You look beautiful.
- I feel good.
- I do, too.
The Larrabee confirmation hearing
went very well today.
I was surprised, happily surprised,
by your invitation.
Thank you for the wine.
I hope it's not poisoned.
Same here.
- We've made a mess of things, Oliver.
- We sure have.
- I want to start living a normal life again.
- I do too, Barbara.
Sitting here like this,
it's... it's hard to believe we can't be happy.
We can be happy... just not together.
I want to ask you one last time to leave.
I can't do that. I won't.
You make so much money, Oliver.
You can buy another house
and replace everything.
Except you.
You may find this hard to believe...
but I still love you.
I still...
..want you.
- I find it hard to believe.
- What you can't believe is I don't want you.
Well, I... Yeah, I have
a problem with that. I mean,...
..I think I'm a good person, as people go...
What can we do to patch things up?
- I don't know.
- Tell me.
- I can't.
- Please.
- I don't know.
- Please tell me. Please?
- Just tell me.
- Stop it!
I guess you don't wanna talk about it.
No, I don't wanna talk about it.
Oliver,...
..if you don't get out of here now,
you have no idea how far I'll go.
How far? Tell me.
We've been horrible to each other,
but we had something - we still do.
We haven't passed any point of no return.
- I have.
- I'm not convinced.
Nobody who makes pt this good
can be all bad.
-
That depends on what the pt is made of.
Woof.
Bennie?
A good dog to the last bite.
Goddamn you!
Jesus Christ!
-
-
I'll give you the chandelier.
-
Barbara?
Shit!
You can't get out!
I'm gonna find you, sweetness.
I know this house too well!
Where the hell is she?
-
-
I guess I'm on top now. And you're helpless.
I can do anything I want.
Stop it! I mean it! Stop it!
-
Oh! Oh, God. Oh, you smell so dirty-sweet.
Oh, Barbie... Oh, we need this, Barbie. Yeah...
No, don't talk!
Don't talk. Oliver,...
..I want to say hello to the
bald avenger. Please.
You haven't called him that in years.
-
Oh, Barbara! Oh, Barbara! Oh!
Oh, yes!
-
Oh, Barbara... Ba...
-
Oh, God! Agh!
Was it as good for you as it was for me?
-
-
-
-
Oh, what's going on here?
-
Oh!
-
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were Barbara.
Mr Rose, what's going on here? Are you OK?
I'm... I'm fine. Fine.
Listen, Susan,...
..I'm in the middle of something now.
I... I... I really can't talk about it.
Let me get the door for you.
- Is Mrs Rose all right?
- Yes, she's fine.
Where is she? Is she OK?
You're sure she's all right?
Barbara. Susan's here!
- She wants to know if you're OK.
- Never better.
Thank you for dropping by, Susan.
Come outside with me, Mr Rose.
Let's go.
Wait a minute. I forgot something.
What?
- Barbara.
- No!
- Mr Rose! Mr Rose!
Oh, no!
Oh, mein Gott. Mrs Rose!
-
-
Only you
Can
Can
What fresh hell is this?
Only
you
Can
Hi.
I brought you a surprise.
Nah-nah na nah-nah na
You are a jerk.
I'll tell you what.
You say it's mine...
..and you can have everything in this house.
OK.
It's mine.
- Barbara.
Barbara! Barbara, I'm sorry.
Are you all right? You OK?
You OK?
Well, well, well!
I'd be glad to help you...
in exchange for the house.
No.
Please don't break
the terrazzo floor when you land.
Oh! That's better.
I'm gonna save you whether you like it or not.
That won't work.
It's too heavy. It'll pull you off.
It'll work.
-
Oliver!
Almost.
All right. All right.
I think I can swing this over to the balcony.
- Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
- What?
I loosened the bolt.
I was gonna drop it on you.
Ooh! Ooh, that's a good one.
Gavin! Gavin!
- Gavin...
- Uh, Susan, let me stop the car first!
Thank God you're here!
I thought you'd never arrive.
They're in there. They're over the edge!
I guess at this point, there's no
reason to be anything but absolutely honest.
Through all that's happened...
I always loved you.
I know.
And through all this,...
..you loved me too, didn't you?
-
Get that, would you, Oliver?
- No?
- No, no. OK, we go in.
Oh, mein Gott.
Oliver! Barbara!
- Gavin!
- Gavin!
- Gavin, get a ladder!
- OK!
I knew everything would be all right.
-
Gavin!
- Gavin!
- Gavin!
-
We're gonna be all right.
you see those two wires?
Yeah.
Each of them can hold... at least 200 pounds.
-
We're coming!
Mein Gott. They are dead.
-
Some story, huh?
What's the moral?
Other than dog people should marry
dog people and cat people, cat people.
I don't know.
It could be just this:
..a civilised divorce
is a contradiction in terms.
Maybe because of what happened,
I've become too traditional.
Maybe it's not natural
to stay married to one person for life.
My parents did it.
A few of 'em good!
So, look. Here it is.
We can begin.
When it comes to your wife,...
..I'm going to urge you to be generous
to the point of night sweats.
The all-important thing is to get you through
this as quickly and cleanly as possible...
..so that you can begin rebuilding your life.
OK?
Or...
..you can get up...
..and go home,...
..and try to find some shred...
..of what you once loved
about the sweetheart of your youth.
It's your life.
Take a minute.
Hi, what are you doing?
I'm coming home. Love you. Bye.