Zapped! (1982) Movie Script

Okay, Edgar. Your turn now.
Hey, come on.
All the rock stars love this stuff.
There you go.
- Barn?
- Hi, Peyton.
Since when did you become a boozer?
Oh, no.
The scuba club wants a report
on diving under the influence.
Let's see.
Edgar and Vincent were given
an amount of whiskey
equal to human consumption
of about 10 pints.
It's amazing.
They're twice as big
as they were yesterday.
Yeah, growth rate is up to 2 inches a day.
I gotta hand it to you, Barn,
super dope grown in super time
means a super buzz.
- And a lot of bucks for us.
- Whatever.
Hey, you know, Peyton,
over the summer, I...
I'm gonna test my Ultra Grow
mixture on various other plants.
It might get me a research grant
in the fall.
Looks like the party's over
for those two.
- No kidding.
- Well, let's go, Barn. It's assembly time.
Come on, Barn.
Barney, would you look at yourself?
You look like you just escaped
from a mouse cage.
- You know what you need?
- No, what?
Girl.
Gotta toughen you up, bro.
Hey, Barn.
How about some math help later?
No way. He's got work of his own to do.
Hey, Barney, did boss man here get you
a date for the prom?
Are you kidding?
Barney doesn't care about girls.
He's a rocket scientist.
You guys are assholes.
Smile.
Front page, Senior Edition.
Peyton, you print that and I'll sue.
I'm getting so tired of the girls
around here. They're so immature.
Hey, Peyton,
you and her ever...
Roscoe, you know I don't like
to talk about my women.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Oh, Barney,
how are my orchids coming along?
- They're fine, sir. We're right on schedule.
- Good.
My ex-wife's gonna be insane
when I win that blue ribbon.
Carry on, men.
You too, sir.
Seniors, I give you
the Penguin cheerleaders.
ALL: We're number one,
we're not number two
We're gonna push
the Tigers back in the zoo
Now, don't forget our last
baseball game is Tuesday afternoon
against the Lincoln Tigers.
So let's get out there
and show some spirit.
And now, as your class president,
it is my pleasure to introduce
the great principal
of Ralph Waldo Emerson High...
Gary Cooter.
As I was saying, the great principal
of Ralph Waldo Emerson High,
Mr. Walter Coolidge.
I'd like to congratulate
all the baseball varsity.
Well, you haven't won a game all year,
but let's not quit.
Let's pound those Tigers into rabbit
doo-doo.
Good luck to you all.
That was just fantastic.
Miss Burnhart, please.
That's all, seniors.
See you at the ball game.
Miss Updike,
I'm afraid we're gonna have to re-shoot
your Senior Edition pictures.
The first group didn't come out.
Okay, Peyton,
follow me.
You won't forget me when you're
with those college girls, will you?
Corinne, your love is a prize
I could never forsake.
That is one of your better lines.
- Hi, Dex.
- Hi there, Barney.
Now, don't mind me.
Just keep on doing what you're doing.
- Well, we only have one more game left.
- That's right.
And don't forget you promised
to let me bat once before I leave.
Barn, you're the greatest
statistician I ever had.
And you're a scientific whiz kid to boot.
If I was you,
I wouldn't be worried about no baseball.
Now, when I was your age
I was always out whoring around,
- having myself a good old time.
- Well, I wish I was whoring around.
No, you don't.
Them women is trouble.
First come the woman
and then the whiskey.
We used to call that
the devil's double whammy.
But you know something,
my old lady won't let me eat
salami no more.
Says it causes cancer.
Maybe you ought to drop this petunia shit
and figure out a cure for that sucker.
Because I can't live
in this world without salami.
No weenies either.
Talking about trouble,
here's the stickball king himself.
Just following in your footsteps, Dexter.
You wish.
Well, I guess I'll be going, fellas.
So, take care, Barney.
See you later, Dex.
And you get your rich ass to practice
on time today, you hear?
Sure thing, Coach.
Thanks for stopping by.
So how we doing, Barn?
Not bad.
I'm almost finished.
This is the oil I extracted
from the first crop.
I'm gonna give Edgar a dose now.
This ought to get him blasted.
Edgar seems to be exhibiting
signs of paranoid schizophrenia.
His brain is fried.
Hey, Barn, how do you tell
when they're stoned?
Well, they...
Hand me that beaker, will you?
Sure.
Well, first of all,
they eat twice their weight in cheese,
and they roll over
and stare at this little red light.
Hi, Peyton. I'm here to interview
Barney for the Senior Edition.
Sorry, Bernadette,
but Barney's in the middle
of an extremely delicate
cross-pollenization.
Well, then how about
just a couple of pictures?
No pictures in the lab, Bernadette.
Well, I need a picture of Barney
by his orchids.
- That's what the...
- All right, I'll take them.
Barney is very busy now, okay?
Sure, I'll be back tomorrow.
Fine.
There's no such word as pollenization.
Whatever. She's a pain.
Look, I gotta run, Barn.
I'll catch you later, okay?
See you.
Edgar, how did you get that?
All right, eat.
But you realize I'll have to give you
a bigger dose now to counteract the food.
Barney bonehead.
Up yours.
- Barney, is that you?
- Hey. Hi, Alvy. How you doing?
Hi, I'm home.
Where were you?
Your mother was worried.
I was at the lab. I had some work to do.
Would you come here,
please? Your father wants to talk to you.
Hounded by hemorrhoids?
Then have a Relaxo fruit juice break.
And now back to
our regularly scheduled program.
I saved you some supper,
but you don't deserve it.
You're right. I don't deserve it.
Don't get smart with your mother.
- Sorry.
- What happened to you?
Nothing. I just had a little accident
in the lab. That's all.
I think this laboratory nonsense
has gotten out of hand.
You don't go out with girls.
When are you gonna ask
somebody to the prom?
When I find the right girl, Mom. Okay?
I have some homework to do.
- Should we?
- Let's leave it till tomorrow.
No. I think we should do it now.
Barney, your mother and I
are very concerned.
It's your attitude.
Not to mention your late hours
and loss of appetite.
Son, roll up your sleeves.
- Should we check between his toes?
- What's going on?
Your father and I went to a drug
education seminar at the school.
Are you a junkie, Son?
- Right, Dad.
- Don't talk to your father like that.
- What's the matter, Barney?
- Nothing's the matter.
All right.
We'll discuss it further in the morning.
And I expect a little more cooperation
around here.
You can start by cleaning up this pigpen.
- How dare you?
- I didn't do it.
Alvy did it.
And I suppose that dummy
taught him how to do it.
- Hey, Barn.
- Hi.
- How you doing?
- Okay.
- How's the hooch?
- The hooch?
- Yeah, you know...
- It's...
Hey, Barney, how about that interview?
Bernadette, we're on our way
to class now.
You should be, too.
Barney, how responsible
do you think scientists are
for the mess the world is in today?
And do you think they can get us out of it?
Yeah.
Well, scientists have to bear
some responsibility for the mess.
But I also think they're our best hope
for cleaning it up.
A pat answer, but I'll take it.
What are you planning on doing
with those orchids?
Well, I really don't know yet.
What do you plan to specialize in
at college?
Botany. Research, that is.
There's a lot of money to be made there.
Is that your goal, Barney?
To make money?
- I guess that'd be part of it.
- That's enough for now, Bernadette.
I'm not interviewing you.
I agree. I think that's enough for now.
You gotta watch her, Barn. She's nosey.
She sure is pushy.
- Hi, Bernadette.
- Hi, Jane. How you doing?
- Did you do your homework?
- Yeah.
- Can I copy?
- Again?
Sure.
Good afternoon, class.
I'm so happy to inform you
that we have a very special visitor today.
Our esteemed principal,
Mr. Walter Coolidge.
Hey, Coolidge, you shave with an ax?
Yes, sir. You can sit here at my desk, sir.
Thank you, Miss Burnhart.
It's a pleasure to be here.
And...
And now we'll continue
with our final presentations in poetry.
Who's next in the alphabet?
Let's see here.
You're next, Gary Cooter.
Do I have to, Miss Burnfart?
Read us your poem, Gary.
Or your next year will be
your fourth as a senior.
This is a poem about something
that's pretty important to me
and that I get real confused about a lot.
It's called Chicks.
"Chicks
"Sometimes I feel like
I'm so much above them
"And sometimes
I feel like I'm so much below them"
Oh, God.
"Sometimes, I hate them
"And sometimes, I love them"
Barney.
Barney.
"But if I was a cave man
I think I'd just club them"
All right.
Thank you, Gary.
Barney, what do you think
of Gary's poem?
What's the... What's the problem, Barney?
Are you hiding something?
Shall we continue?
Oh, Barney.
When may I see my orchids?
Anytime, Mr. Coolidge.
Just let me know ahead of time
so I can straighten up.
It's quite messy in there.
All right, I'll do that.
Let's make it soon, shall we?
Hey, Barn, you feeling okay?
- You seem sort of out of it.
- What?
Oh. Yeah, yeah, I'm okay, Peyton.
Jane looks kind of cute today.
Sure does.
Hey, watch this.
All you need is a good opening line.
It all hinges on the first seven seconds.
- It's in the Valley. It's the best...
- Did they card you?
Yes, they did, but I had my fake,
so it was no problem.
They'll probably card you.
Hi, Jane. Can I talk to you a minute?
Sure.
It's kind of private.
Okay.
Who you going to the prom with, Barney?
I don't know yet.
Why don't you go
with one of your mice friends?
So, what's this all about?
Saturday night.
Dinner and a flick. We'll have a blast.
Cut the crap. You know I'm going out
with Robert Wolcott.
He's pre-law at Tee Winkle College.
Why should I go out with you?
Well, I'm pre-rich, pre-famous
and pre-powerful.
You act like pre-school,
and that's a little immature for me.
Wow!
What the hell's going on here?
Nobody touched her, swear to God.
Well, what's she screaming for, punk?
Nothing's going on, Robert.
He didn't touch me.
The wind blew it open. That's all.
Nothing happened, really.
He just wishes.
I catch you near her again,
and I'll break your face.
No problem, Rob.
Let's get out of here, Robert.
What are you, some kind of pervert?
- It must have shrunk.
- Get in the car.
If I ever catch you doing
anything like that again,
except when we're alone, I'll...
I didn't do it.
How do you suppose that happened?
I don't know.
I guess it was the wind.
You know, like she said.
Yeah.
Well, Barn,
you wanna get something to eat?
Oh, no. Not really.
I think I'm gonna go back into the lab.
- Well, I guess I'll see you later then, huh?
- Right. See you.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
I'm not dreaming.
That's incredible, Barney.
- How did you get in here?
- The door was open.
Anyway, you can't stop me.
It's school property.
Thanks a lot, Barney.
How cute. What are their names?
None of your business.
Come on, Barney, don't be mad.
Don't you realize how amazing this is?
What is?
Don't try to bullshit me, Barney.
I saw those test tubes flying around,
and I saw those maps pop off the wall.
Big deal. So what does that mean?
What does the word telekinesis
mean to you, Barney?
I've never heard of it.
Marijuana. I can't wait to find out
how these fit into all this.
Look, I have some more work to do.
Can't you just leave me alone? Please?
Barney, you can't expect to keep
a thing like this to yourself.
This is it. Mind over matter,
the power to move things at will.
Hey, Barn.
I was just passing by
and I couldn't help overhearing.
Telekinesis, huh?
- Hey. How did it happen?
- I don't know.
Well, there was an explosion,
and I didn't think anything of it.
But that must have been it, because
after that things started happening.
Peyton...
I can make things fly around.
I can move things.
Barney, we'll shock the scientific world.
We can prove that telekinesis exists.
Look, I don't want anybody else
to know about this.
- But, Barney...
- He's right. It'd just be a lot of publicity.
We gotta keep this thing to ourselves.
You're right. Nobody can know.
- I have to go home.
- Hey, you feeling okay?
Oh, yeah, I just need some time
to think, that's all.
I'm a little foggy still.
- Bye.
- Bye.
So how does the world look
through cracked glasses?
Cracked.
Where were you?
I spent all afternoon making dinner,
and you don't see fit
to come home on time.
Your mother made her specialty,
Spam with cream sauce.
Did you bring me that milk
like I asked you to?
Oh. I forgot it.
Son, you've been
damned irresponsible lately.
- You better explain yourself.
- Answer your father.
What's the question?
You don't eat. You go to sleep at 7:30...
I had some work to finish at the lab
and then I went for a walk, that's all.
Gee whiz, Mom, I said I'm sorry.
- I think maybe I'll get a burger.
- Now, just a minute.
Starting tonight you're grounded.
You'll be in this house at suppertime
and this is where you'll stay.
I didn't mean it. Dad, I'm sorry.
You should be. Now, go to your room.
Can't you see your father's a sick man?
Okay, Alvy, they've got you
on their main view scanner
and they're coming in for a closer look.
They seem to be afraid of you.
I don't believe it, Captain.
That thing could swallow us whole.
Spock, do we have a reading?
Yes, Captain, computer indicates
we're about to be swallowed
by a giant sheep dog.
For God's sake, I hope he's been wormed.
I have to get something to eat.
What are you doing?
All right, you can come.
But don't say I never take you anyplace.
There.
Now they'll never know we're gone.
Come on.
Who you going
to the prom with, Barney?
Why don't you go
with one of your mice friends?
Are you talking to me?
Are you talking to me?
Oh, yeah? Well, take this.
Oh, no.
Now I'm really in for it.
What's all the racket up here?
Who were you talking to?
Nobody. I was just talking to myself.
My God. What...
Who's that in your bed?
Mom?
Oh, listen, I'm going for a burger.
I won't be long.
- Wake up. Wake up.
- What?
Barney's dummy.
- The dummy, it attacked.
- Calm down.
Now, calm down.
Now, did you have your 8:00 Valium?
Well, there you go.
Oh, prune juice.
Edgar. You got it, too.
Edgar. Edgar, don't try to push me around.
Now you better mind your manners,
you little shit.
- Hi, Barney.
- Hi.
What are you doing? What is that for?
I thought we'd start by testing
your power for controlled distance
on substances
with different physical properties.
Bernadette, you don't know a thing
about science. I mean...
You can't be the subject
of your own experiment.
Now, just see if you can empty
the air out of that can.
Very good. Now, see if you can empty
the water out of the tank.
Come here.
Very imaginative.
Now, we know from last night that
you can move solids, so we conclude
that your telekinetic power works
on all three states of matter.
Hi, Peyton.
Hey, what's going on?
Barney, we got a game to go to.
- Oh, right.
- Oh, well, we've been conducting
a little research, but I was just leaving.
Bye, Barney.
Look, next time, ask me first
before you barge in here, okay?
Okay. Sorry.
Gotta keep her under wraps.
It's the power. It's...
Yeah, I know, it's scary.
You know, I had an idea.
If you don't wanna do it, I understand.
Just because we're best friends for life.
- What is it?
- I knew you'd drag it out of me.
Play ball.
The Emerson Penguins take the field.
On the mound for Emerson,
Peyton Nichols.
Hey, looks like we're a little short
on the bench today, Dex.
Alan, take your finger out of your nose.
What'd I tell you about that shit?
Now suck it.
Suck it.
First up for the Tigers,
playing shortstop,
number four, Deke Davis.
What an amazing hop.
Now batting for the Tigers, their pitcher
and the league's leading hitter,
Nathan "Too Mean" Levine.
There's a shot.
It's a home run.
Top of the first, the Tigers lead, 1-nothing.
- Sorry about that.
- That's okay, pal.
Let's just keep it cool
until the ninth inning like we said.
You're out!
You're out. Strike three.
Hold on there, Ump.
I got a pinch hitter coming in.
No. No, Dex. He was your pinch hitter.
You used him in the seventh inning,
and now you have
nobody else left except me.
Besides, nobody else even touched
"Too Mean" anyway.
Oh, come on, Dex, you promised me.
Please? You promised.
- Go right on now.
- Thanks.
Now batting for Emerson,
Barney Springboro.
What an amazing game.
It had it all,
incredible fielding, pitching, clutch hitting.
And the final score, 3-1,
Emerson Penguins.
Thanks, Dex.
If I only knew. You know something?
We could have been contenders.
We did it. Can you believe it?
- You were great.
- I couldn't have done it without you.
Oh, that was nothing.
What do you say
we celebrate at my house?
Forget it.
Oh, Robert. Good game, huh?
Typical high school stuff, though.
You would have been eaten alive
in college ball.
Oh. Yeah, I'm sure you'd know about that,
wouldn't you?
Are you going to the Senior Day?
To Magic Land?
That kid stuff is a little gooish for me.
Oh, yeah, well, they do have
the scariest roller coaster in the world.
- Of course I rode it standing up last time.
- You would.
- See you around.
- Jerk.
Did you smell that guy?
Let's get out of here.
- Hey. That's the jerk that made us lose.
- Yeah, you little weasel.
Okay, pal. Kiss this.
- Shit.
- Shit.
Who is this guy?
- Hey!
- Hey!
Oh, Dexter, do you have
your pass key on you?
- Sure do, Mr. C. What do you need?
- My key doesn't seem to work in this lock.
We all seem to have that same problem
some time or another, don't we?
Hello, sir. Hello, Mr. Jones.
How are we today?
Just fine, Miss Burnhart.
You see, now this door has a special lock,
and Barney's got the key.
Maximum security for them flowers.
Thank you, Dexter.
I'll speak to Barney about this.
How is Barney's experiment
coming along?
That's what I can't seem to find out.
Everything is so secretive.
I want to see what's in there.
Barney? Barney, look.
I'm sorry I barged in the other day.
Maybe I've been too pushy,
but you just can't shut me out.
I can help. Can't we just talk?
- Okay.
- Great.
Now, I promise I won't do this if you
don't want to, so don't get mad, okay?
But please don't say no.
It'll be great for both of us, I swear.
All right, all right. What is it?
Okay, my sister knows someone
at a research journal,
and if we can continue our experiments,
she can publish our findings.
Hey, you know, that's a very good idea.
Oh, I knew you'd feel this way, Barney.
Isn't it exciting?
- Yeah. I'll talk to Peyton about it.
- Peyton? What for?
Well, he's sort of got all these plans for us.
You know, like selling the Ultra Grow,
that sort of stuff.
Figures. Another scientist sells out.
No, listen, someday,
I mean, I can get my own...
Oh, my.
Well, how rich does Peyton think
you'll get in jail?
I'm ruined.
- I can't believe this.
- Come on.
Yes, Miss Updike?
Look, today's Bachelor Bait. I'm sorry, sir,
but there is no response to your ad today.
I can't stand this waiting.
I knew that I shouldn't have admitted
that I was a high school principal.
They all probably assume I'm a dud.
Oh, I think it's best
to be honest from the start.
Excuse me, sir,
but I just learned something so shocking.
Oh, I can't stand to see them
make a fool of you, sir.
What is it, Miss Burnhart?
Barney's lab.
- It's...
- It's what?
It's... Come with me, sir.
I hope this is important, Miss Burnhart.
Well, here they are.
What's the problem, Miss Burnhart?
Yes, what is it?
But there was marijuana there. I saw it.
I think you smoked it, Miss Burnhart.
I appreciate you showing me the orchid,
Miss Burnhart,
but sneaking through windows
does not exemplify the sort of behavior
we try to impart to our students.
Good grief.
Oh, Dexter, I was...
Security check.
Got lucky, hey, Walt?
No, no, Dexter.
It's not what you think at all.
I sure hope not,
but I'll be saying my prayers for you,
just in case.
God knows I tried.
Oh, Dexter.
- Walter.
- Keep this to yourself, okay?
Always do.
I got a file in my head two feet thick
about a whole lot of things you do
that I keep to myself.
I'll be a son-of-a-gun.
Hurry up.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
It's too big. It doesn't fit.
We don't have all day,
Barney. Faster.
- Here, that's the last of it.
- Thank goodness.
- Barney.
- Dex.
What are you doing here?
- Oh, nothing. I just thought I would...
- You got yourself a good catch here.
Barney's gonna be
a famous scientist some day.
Oh, well, thanks, Dex.
- We'll see you later.
- Bye.
Next time, take her someplace decent.
That was close.
Wow.
Yeah.
Where am I? Barney? Is that you?
Barney is working with me now, Dex.
Mr. Einstein.
I'm feeling strange.
Someone's putting some shit on my mind.
Sounds like too many chilidogs, Dex.
You have to learn to relax.
Chilidogs are what I need to relax.
Salami, too,
but my old lady won't let me have them.
I ride a bike to relax, Dex.
Can you ride?
- You see, Dex, it is not so hard, is it?
- No, it ain't so bad after all.
Dex.
Dexter Jones. Bow-legged sap sucker.
Here comes the devil and
the four black stallions after my ass.
That's it. I found you. You can't hide
nothing from me, Dexter Jones.
You ugly spasm.
- Who is that, Dex?
- That's my wife.
Found out where I hid
the salami in the garage.
- You'd better be making tracks, Dex.
- You ain't shitting, Mr. Einstein.
This'll teach you.
Help me, Mr. Einstein! Barney!
Help me!
Back on Earth.
What a drag.
Nobody even got to enjoy the stuff.
All that research down the drain.
- Better than his life down the drain.
- Well, we had to do it, Peyton.
Oh, it's no big deal.
I mean, this is small-time
compared to what you can do
with your you-know-what.
Well, I've gotta go. See you around, guys.
Bernadette...
- See you.
- Sure.
Jane, you're slouching.
Beautiful!
Great.
I want that one right there.
- You're full of it, man.
- Maybe.
- Did you see Robert's face, poor guy?
- He deserved it.
I suppose.
Getting a little tired of this kid stuff.
What kind of man are
you anyways, Peyton?
Why, I'm a man's man, Robert.
What'd you have in mind?
Okay, that's a 12-pack each.
Can we go now, you guys?
Sure thing. Let's go.
- You ready, buddy?
- Ready, Freddie.
Don't you call me that.
You call me that again and I'll kill you.
Freddie is
Robert's disowned older brother.
He went away on big-game safari
to Africa and married a little Pygmy girl.
You guys are disgusting.
- First one to puke is a loser.
- Right. 100 bucks.
100 bucks.
- Hey, Peyton. Peyton.
- Barn!
What are you guys doing?
Can't you tell? They're stinking drunk.
Barn?
Is there something that you can do
to make him spin a little faster?
Yeah, sure.
Thanks, buddy, I appreciate it.
I wouldn't get involved in this
if I were you.
What are friends for?
Hey, Robert.
Hey, what's the matter, ace,
you got a problem?
Oh, my lunch.
Listen. Listen.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Tell Peyton I'll pay him tomorrow.
- How are you feeling?
- I'm fine.
How's Robert?
Robert says you'll get
your money tomorrow.
I guess college didn't teach him
how to be such a good sport, huh?
Shouldn't we go get something to eat?
- Burgers?
- Yeah.
Well, do you think you could win me
one of those big pink panthers
to match the curtains in my bathroom?
Sure thing, come on.
Hey, Barn? What's the story
with you and Bernadette?
I don't know. We seem to be
getting along pretty well.
Boy, I'll tell you, that Jane's one nut
I'd really like to crack.
- Hi, Jane.
- Hi.
Where's Rob?
He wasn't feeling too well,
so he had to go home.
You seem a lot more mature
than that punk kid you're with.
Buzz off, pal, okay?
Hey, these guys giving you some trouble?
Everything's under control, thank you.
Hey, how old are you, buddy? Thirteen?
- You talking to me?
- Yeah, pal, he's talking to you.
- Are you talking to me?
- He already said he was, Barney.
Well, you must be talking to me.
- I'm the only one here.
- Where am I, Barn?
Enough of this shit.
Whoa!
Let's get out of here.
- Now that was exciting.
- Oh, it was nothing.
You were fantastic in there.
They were just messing
with the wrong guys.
You know, I hate to say it,
but I think the park is closing soon.
The only problem is we never got to eat.
Dinner? I accept.
You know, I'd just like to say that,
well, this is really nice.
Do you feel the same way?
So, this is your studio, huh?
Yeah, what do you think?
It's very interesting.
- Here we are.
- Maybe later, okay?
What's wrong?
Well, you know, Robert.
- He's taking me to Hawaii for graduation.
- I understand.
I don't want you to do anything
you don't want to.
You don't?
No. I have way too much respect
for you, Jane.
You do?
I didn't know you liked this kind of music.
I don't know.
Today's music just seems so juvenile.
I find that classical music helps me relax
when I really get uptight about things.
Really? What have you
got to be uptight about?
Yesterday I got my acceptance to Harvard.
So it's between there and Yale.
Only I can't decide
whether to go to pre-med or pre-law.
My dad, he wants me to go to business
college so that I can run his corporation.
You see, if I did that, then he said
he'd start paying me my salary,
after the classes start.
A salary?
Well, it's more like an allowance.
Just 100 grand a year.
Really? Go on.
I shouldn't be bothering you
with these things.
My own private hell.
Oh, no, that's okay. Really.
I feel like I've been going through
some changes lately,
like I'm becoming more mature.
You do seem more mature.
I'm sorry.
- What's wrong?
- I don't know what came over me.
It's okay.
Really.
JANE: What was that?
PEYTON: What was what?
That flash. Something flashed.
It must have been in your mind.
I guess that means something.
Do you remember that time
that Peyton scared Mrs. Smith
with that frog from biology class?
Yeah, yeah. I loaned him that frog.
I never got it back.
You know,
I'll kill you if you tell anybody this,
but I had a crush on Peyton in fifth grade.
Really?
- Did he know?
- Oh, no, no way.
I had three crushes a year till eighth grade,
and I never told any of them.
- How about you, Barney?
- What?
Who did you have a crush on?
Oh, nobody.
You're turning red, Barney.
Come on, you can tell me.
Well, I did have a crush on
Pamela Browning in the sixth grade.
Well, did you tell her? What happened?
She got pregnant, and they sent her away.
No, no.
Well, you just have to be careful, that's all.
Yeah.
So...
What do you wanna do tonight?
I don't know.
Watch TV, mess around,
whatever you wanna do.
Mess around sounds good.
That's my mom.
I'll walk you out.
Stop, stop. No. Please.
- Robert, feeling better?
- Yeah. There you go, it's all there.
Thanks. No hard feelings, right?
No, no hard feelings.
In fact, if you wanna try
some real gambling,
we got a roulette wheel at the frat house.
Roulette, huh? I'm sorry, Robert,
I think that's way out of my league.
I think you owe me a shot
at getting my money back.
Tomorrow night. How about it?
Well,
I got a feeling I'm gonna be real sorry.
- Okay, I'll be there.
- Good deal. I'll see you there.
- Okay.
- Sorry I'm late, Robert.
Yeah, come on, let's go.
- Jane, should we tell him about us?
- And ruin my trip to Hawaii? No way.
Look, whatever happened last night,
I faked every bit of it.
Jane.
That's why it was so good.
- Come on, what's the holdup?
- Oh, I'm coming, Robert.
It's here, boss. It's here.
Your response to your ad
in this morning's personals.
- Go on.
- She agrees to your plan.
- "Pink carnations at Alfredo's tonight."
- But I said Giuseppe's.
She said Alfredo's is more romantic,
and I agree.
Okay, this is it. Oh, God.
I'm excited already.
I think she's the woman
I've been waiting for.
- What do you think?
- Well, here. What's your horoscope say?
"A casual encounter may be
the hot affair you've been waiting for,
"if you don't choke."
You know, Barney, I'm the last person
I thought would be excited
over the senior prom,
and now I can't wait.
Yeah, neither can I.
- Hey, Barn.
- Hey, Peyton.
Why don't you go inside?
I'll be right there.
Okay.
Hey, where you been?
I've been looking all over for you.
I've been around.
Hey, Peyton, I got a date for the prom.
You and Bernadette, huh? Great.
Now, listen,
we got invited to a frat party tonight,
and they're gonna have a roulette wheel.
I got it all figured out. You do your thing
and we'll make a fortune.
We'll break those idiots.
I don't know, Peyton. I kind of wanted
to go out with Bernadette tonight.
Oh, Barn, you can't pass this up.
Look, you can go out
with Bernadette anytime.
- Ask her along if you want.
- All right, I'll ask her.
A roulette wheel? Barney, I thought
you were a scientist, not a racketeer.
What's the big deal?
Go ahead and use your power
gambling all the time. I won't stop you.
I just hope you like being Peyton's clone.
Come on, Bernadette,
it's just this one time.
Oh, sure, tomorrow night
you'll probably go to Las Vegas.
- Hey, not a bad idea.
- Tomorrow night's the prom.
Think I'd rather go alone anyway.
- Let me go, Barney.
- I'll call you later, okay?
Barn, sometimes life is like an onion.
When you peel it, it makes you cry.
- Just leave me alone, okay?
- Barn, she'll go to the prom with you.
- Look, I'll pick you up at 8:00, okay?
- Yeah, okay.
See you later.
My date is a roulette wheel
Rose.
I never dreamed it was you.
Nor I.
Are you...
You are the sensual,
witty, intense, middle-aged man
who wants to live life to the fullest.
And you are the affectionate,
complex, adventurous woman
with an unbridled joy for living.
Joie de vivre, I said.
French.
Rose. Darling.
Very nice. Thank you.
I don't understand, sir.
You haven't ordered yet.
- We'd like a little more time.
- Very well, sir. Call me when you're ready.
- We'd like a little more time.
- Very well, sir. Call me when you're ready.
Walter. Walter.
Is everything all right here?
We'd like the house...
Burgundy, please.
Yes, sir.
- Keep your eye on the little ball.
- What little ball?
- What?
- I'm kidding.
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Hey, glad you could make it.
Get yourself some chips.
Thanks, Robert, don't mind if I do.
Now we got it, number 29.
Twenty-nine, black.
They'll kill us when they find out
what we've done.
We're gonna have to give up
our concubine maid.
What are you worried about, Larry?
You beat off every night anyway.
Why don't you quit acting
like such a fat turd? Larry, come on.
Here we go. New blood in here. All right.
- How you doing?
- Fine.
Okay, let's go.
Someone's gotta win. Let's go.
Place your bets. Place your bets, everyone.
Place your bets.
- All right, let's try it, pal.
- DEALER: Okay, here we go.
Place your bets, everyone.
Watch the ball. Watch the ball.
Here we go. Place your bets.
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Watch that ball bounce. Watch it bounce.
Eighteen black.
- Eighteen black is the winner.
- There's something funny going on.
Sorry, you lose.
Place your bets, everyone. Place your bets.
Let's get some money down. Come on.
Place your bets, everyone.
Look at that ball bounce around.
And it's 36... What? Make that 43 red.
You're a winner.
Let's go. Haven't we won enough?
Barney, we're just hitting our stride.
If we get good at this,
then we will hit Vegas.
We'll be set for life.
What are you talking about?
Oh, what I'm saying, Barney,
is you've gotta think big.
There's no other way to think.
Twenty-eight black.
All of it.
- I don't wanna do it anymore.
- Well, this is it.
All's I need is one more throw.
I'm really sorry, Peyton.
Hey, Wolcott,
what's going on around here?
How the hell did that happen?
That's what we're gonna find out.
Look, everybody out of here.
Let's go. Now.
That wheel was rigged.
That's what set it off.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Rigged? You scumbag.
- We want our money back.
- Yeah.
Come on, let me get him.
- Hey, Barney, wait.
- Leave me alone.
Hey, come on, man,
what the hell's the matter with you?
Can't we talk about this?
Peyton, I don't wanna talk about anything.
Just leave me alone.
Hello. This is Barney Springboro.
May I speak with Bernadette, please?
Okay. Yeah, thank you. Bye.
Them women are trouble.
First come the woman
and then the whiskey.
And then the whiskey.
And then the whiskey.
Okay, move it up a little bit on the left.
That's good. Okay.
No, not quite so far.
Now on the right just down,
just about 6 inches.
Now on the right just down,
just about 6 inches.
That's pretty good.
No, no, no, on the left,
put it down just a little bit.
Just a little bit.
What happened to you, Barney?
I don't know.
- Can we talk?
- Okay.
- Bernadette, I'm sorry.
- Oh, what about?
About the gambling,
about acting like an idiot.
- I'm through with it. It's over.
- I'm very happy for you.
Bernadette, please, don't be mad at me.
Go to the prom with me.
I mean, we have fun together, don't we?
I never felt this way with anyone before.
Well, I volunteered
for the prom committee.
- I had to get to the prom somehow.
- Well, there's no problem.
You can just go with me.
Well, I have to be here really early
to help with the decorations and stuff.
- Let's just meet there, okay?
- See you there.
Barney,
Father Gallagher and Father Murray
would like to speak with you.
Well, not now, Mom,
I'm going to the prom.
- Excuse me.
- Shall we begin the exorcism?
What are you talking about?
What exorcism?
Father, let me go. Father.
- The tranquilizers, please.
- Come on, I gotta go to the prom.
Ma, help me...
- I'm gonna throw up.
- That's one of the devil's favorite lines.
What did I tell you?
Keep him away from me. Please. Please.
I'm going now, Mom.
- Oh, hello, Fathers.
- Hello.
Okay, okay, seniors,
may I have your attention, please?
I have a very important introduction
to make.
Your class president,
Bernadette Holland, is going to reveal
who is the prom king and queen.
You know, Walt, looking at
these pretty young girls makes me feel
kind of old and ugly,
but not as ugly as you.
Ain't this a bitch? Look who's talking.
Welcome, seniors,
I hope you're having a good time.
This year's prom queen is Jane Mitchell.
Congratulations, Jane.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you. I love you all.
This year's prom king is Peyton Nichols.
- Congratulations, Peyton.
- Thank you, Bernadette.
I'd just like to say it's been a great year.
Okay, let's get on with it.
The king and queen will lead us
in the next dance.
Let's everybody have a good time!
- You look really pretty.
- You don't look so bad yourself.
Oh.
- I brought this for you. It's one of mine.
- It's beautiful.
Oh, I love it, Barney.
- Can you pin it on me?
- Oh, sure.
Thanks.
- Do you wanna dance?
- Oh, no, I can't dance.
Don't be chicken, Barney.
- I don't know how.
- I'll lead. It's easy.
Come on.
Now that wasn't so bad,
was it, Barney, huh?
Hey, you two are looking great. I mean it.
- You're a handsome devil, Barn.
- Thanks.
- You look pretty good, too.
- Thanks. Still mad at me, Barn?
- Excuse me for a minute.
- See?
Everything's patched up
with you and Bernadette.
You got nothing to worry about.
- Here, Barn.
- What's this?
Airline tickets.
Look, last night was kid's stuff.
We can go all the way.
Big time, Las Vegas.
- Is this a joke?
- Barn, we just need one more shot.
No way, Peyton, forget it.
It was worth a try.
Well, well, would you two like
some refreshments?
Plenty of punch left
in those watermelons over there.
Looks like you've had your share.
Oh, I've had a little,
but I'd sure love some more.
I've had just about enough of you, buddy.
We've got a score to settle.
- Last night.
- Hey, don't get excited.
Look, I wanna be pals, okay?
I brought you something.
It's to make up for what happened.
I'm really not such a bad guy.
And just to show you
there's no hard feelings, Robbie,
I want you to have this.
It's from my personal collection.
Holy shit.
A portrait of the queen.
Collector's item. Limited edition.
One of 500.
Thanks, Barn, I knew you were a pal.
Barn, I just wanted to say
I'm really sorry about that Las Vegas stuff.
I'll forget I even had the idea, okay?
Put her there, pal.
Jane.
Barney, what are you doing?
Barney!
At it again.
This way, Rose.
Oh, no, you don't. You son of a bitch.
Barney, don't you think enough is enough?
Let's get out of here.
Oh, I'm sorry. Are you all right?
Barney.
Are you all right, buddy?
Oh, this power is more trouble
than it's worth.
Try lifting your head up. Are you in pain?
Something happened.
My head is tingling.
- I've lost it.
- What?
The power. I've lost it.
Wow, hitting your head
and getting knocked unconscious
must have shifted things back to normal.
Well, at least you weren't hurt.
I knew it was too good to last.
I'll see you, Bernadette.
- I'll keep in touch.
- Take it easy.
I guess this kind of messes up
your research, huh?
Guess it kind of does.
Well, no more exploding clothes
for the telekinetic kid.
You'll just have to do it
with your own two hands.
Oh, thank you.
- Bernadette.
- What?
- Can I give you a lift home?
- Barney! Barney.
What are you doing?
Wait a minute. Barney?
Barney?