Zombeavers (2014) Movie Script
So four months later,
she's pregnant again,
you know, so we're going
back down to the clinic,
she's crying,
"Do you love me?"
and all that type of stuff,
I told her I did but...
You think that means
I'm going to hell?
Nah.
You know I dated a guy once.
Could I hear
all about it?
I mean, there's not
a lot to tell,
it's like one of
the easiest weeks
of my life
other than the sex.
That was brutal.
You know,
it's not the dick,
it's the whiskers, man,
just creeps you out.
Yeah, we just agreed
on everything.
"Want to get some beers?"
"Yeah."
"Want to watch the game?"
"Absolutely."
We have beers
and we watch the game.
LUKE: I hear a lot of
myself in this story.
There's none of you
in the story, man,
it was a one-time thing.
Yeah.
My friend told me
I can't shit
in his house anymore.
Oh, isn't that
the worst?
You believe that?
Yeah, they get all mad
'cause you blew out
their bathroom.
It's a place to shit.
It's the... That's what
the room is built for.
You're supposed to
go in there
and take a shit
and then when you do it,
they act like
they're surprised.
Like you took a dump
on their table
or something.
Yeah. I did
take a dump
on his table.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
Hey, man, you see
that deer up there?
Yeah, I see it.
I don't think you do.
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
(THUMPING)
Okay, I admit it.
I didn't see the deer.
I see him now.
Hey, check the back.
Your back's fine.
I'm gonna
check the front.
(SIGHS)
He's not gonna make it.
Eh, they carry disease.
All right,
here we go.
Up and over.
(BEAVERS COOING)
(WEEPING)
(PHONE CHIMES)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
MAN: Gotta shit.
Dammit.
Just a second.
Whoa.
Sorry. The ladies' room
was occupied.
Would you mind moving?
Well, why don't you...
(LAUGHS)
I don't mind
doing anything
you ask me to do.
ZOE: What took you so long?
JENN: Um, they were
out of toilet paper.
Had to use my hands.
(ZOE GIGGLES)
I slit a sheet,
a sheet I slit.
And on the slitted
sheet I sit.
I slit a sheet,
a sheet I slit
and on this shitted...
Dammit.
You suck.
I know.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Hey, biatch,
what did I say?
Right. No texting.
Sorry.
You know,
that's totally rude, Jenn.
No textin' and no boys
for the entire weekend.
Wow. That sounds
so awesome.
Shut up, Zoe.
Maybe this is
a bad idea.
I don't want you guys
to have a lame weekend
just 'cause of me.
Well, great,
let's re-invite the guys.
Isn't that right,
Gosling?
He says,
"Yes, that's right."
That's not
real supportive, Zoe.
I mean, if Buck
cheated on you,
I wouldn't be
making a joke about it
every five minutes.
First of all, like,
Buck would never
cheat on me.
And second,
I'm only kidding,
Jenn, so relax.
This weekend
is about Y-O-U.
Yeah, we know
that's asking you
to give up a lot.
Nah, only about
six inches.
That is so gross.
Yeah. Next subject,
please.
(CHUCKLES)
Mary, does your
cousin's shack
have electricity?
Why? Do you need
a place to plug in
your vibrator?
(CHUCKLES)
ZOE: How dare you?
(WEIRD ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)
Ah!
Turn that
music off, Mary.
You seriously like this?
You seriously don't?
Don't listen.
MARY: I can't believe I'm
friends with people who
have no taste in music.
(REELING)
(GRUNTS)
(RUSTLING)
(GROWLING)
MARY: Here we are.
This is so beautiful.
Do your cousins, like,
throw their trash
in the middle of the lake?
Why would you
even ask that?
'Cause, there's
a big piece of wood
just floating
in the middle of it.
That's a raft,
you idiot.
It's anchored there
so people can use it.
Come on, let's go.
We're almost there.
ZOE: The suspense
is killin' me.
JENN: Are we stoppin' here
for more gas?
ZOE: My legs!
My butt hurts.
Yeah, thanks to
your boyfriend.
Very funny.
That's disgusting.
I'm first.
I seriously
need a drink.
Okay.
Go kill some
squirrels, buddy.
Kill 'em good.
What do you think?
ZOE: Are we really
gonna swim in that bog?
First off,
it's a lake.
And yes,
we're really
gonna swim in it.
I haven't swam
in a lake
in my whole life.
Have you swam
in a pool?
Yeah.
Well, I think
you're gonna find out
it's really
not all that different.
Of course it's different.
This is nature.
She's right.
You're gonna wind up
with a lot more bugs
in your mouth.
Oh, you guys,
that neighbor lady
is comin' over
so be nice.
Oh, my God...
Mary, is that you?
Mrs. Gregorson.
It's so nice
to see you.
Oh, my goodness,
you have blossomed.
ZOE: Not really.
Her tits are still small.
MARY: Thanks, Zoe.
Myrna, these are
my sorority sisters,
this is Jenn and Zoe.
Oh, right, well,
it's a pleasure.
Hello.
'Sup, biatch?
Are you looking
after the house
while your cousins
are away?
Oh, no. We're just
up here for the weekend.
Oh, right. Unwinding
in between all the exams.
Well, we were supposed to
have torrid, getaway sex
but Jenn's guy
cheated on her, so...
Oh, I see.
She is kiddin',
Mrs. Gregorson.
I am kidding.
None of us have had sex.
Even
Yeah.
Oh, it's okay, Mary.
My daughter is a total
fuckin' bitch too.
A real whore.
Sometimes she brings
people home,
I don't even know
what sex they are.
And I'm not saying
anything negative
about them,
I'm a very,
very liberal woman,
but my daughter
is a real piece of work
and not that attractive.
Well, if you girls
need anything,
you know
where to find us.
Winston and I
would love to have you
over for breakfast.
Yeah, that,
that sounds nice.
Maybe we'll take you
up on that.
No pressure, of course.
(LAUGHS)
Okay.
Here we are.
Home sweet home.
Whoo!
(LAUGHS)
Ugh, it smells in here.
What's that
smell in here?
It smells like wood.
(URINATING)
Where's the bathroom?
Straight down the hall.
Where's the other bathroom?
There's only
one bathroom.
I'm just gonna go
right here.
You seriously can't wait
two minutes for Jenn?
Shh. It's coming out.
(WATER RUNNING)
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
JENN: Come on.
(SIGHS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
What?
One bathroom.
Fun, right?
Be my guest.
Let me guess.
No service.
What?
Oh, Jenn, you are
a horrible liar.
Okay. I texted him back.
Why are girls
so attracted
to such assholes?
You're not. Tommy's great.
You are not supposed to
be talking to Sam.
That is the whole purpose
of this entire trip.
Well, it's not like
I have much of
a choice now, is it?
Exactly.
How am I gonna
check my messages?
I have not gone
more than 24 hours
without Instagram
since, like,
there was no Instagram.
And I'm copin'.
If Zoe can do it,
you can do it.
(ZOE SCREAMS)
There's no
fuckin' service.
You knew about this,
didn't you?
You said no boys,
not no phones.
I did say no phones.
But you didn't
say it would be
physically impossible
to use it
behind your back.
What is the big deal,
you guys?
People went
thousands of years
without cell phones,
you can go two days.
Speak for yourself.
What if there's,
like, an emergency
or somethin'?
There's, like,
a land line.
A what?
You guys, you're not
gonna miss your phones.
I promise you.
Now can we
just get changed?
I don't wanna
get changed.
I wanna send a text!
ZOE: No, no,
Gosling, stay here.
Sunglasses, check.
Towels, check.
Sunscreen, check.
Whoo! All right,
let's get naked.
What are you doing?
Someone could see you.
Who? Mrs. Gregorson?
I see, like,
two houses here.
If I'm getting anything
out of being stuck
in the middle of nowhere,
it's a tan without lines.
Come on in, bitches.
Well, I guess
we can be grateful
she left the bottoms on.
I bet Mrs. Gregorson
swims topless.
It's so nice out.
Okay, do mine now.
Oh, I'm so comfortable.
Can't Mary do it?
You used me.
Stop.
I'll do it.
Mmm.
JENN: This is nice.
What is that?
Looks like a beaver dam.
I want to see a beaver.
They're so adorable.
Yeah, well don't get
your hopes up.
I'm pretty sure
they're nocturnal.
Where'd you learn that?
Wikipedia?
I learned it from
livin' in Indiana,
which means that you
should know it too.
Well, all I know
is they're fat rats
with big,
stupid-ass teeth.
Nice.
MARY: Where are you goin'?
Come on,
let's go take a look.
Whoo!
Make it rain, bitches!
(YELPS)
Whoo!
Here, beaver,
beaver, beaver.
ZOE: Gross.
Try banging on it,
that should wake 'em up.
At least cover up,
at least while
we're walkin' around.
My top is
on the other side.
You wanna
lend me yours?
Cut it out.
(GIGGLES)
Ew. Is that like,
green beaver urine?
Guess.
Kinda looks like it.
Maybe that's like
how they mark
their territory or somethin'.
By pissin'
all over their house?
MARY: They don't live
in the dam, you idiot.
They live in the lodge.
Over there.
Here, beaver,
beaver, beaver.
Yeah, nice try.
That one's covered
in piss too.
Fine. You win.
Beavers piss
all over everything.
Are you happy?
I don't see any beavers.
Oh, my God!
What?
(SNIFFING)
(GASPS)
(GROWLS)
I'm scared.
It's gonna be okay.
(BEAR GROWLING)
We're just gonna
back up real slowly.
(GUNSHOT)
(SCREAMS)
(BEAR SNARLING)
Thank you so much.
Well, look at you
three little heifers.
I think you just
might have
saved our lives.
That's doubtful.
Bears don't usually
attack more than one
or two folks at a time.
You'd be three.
Of course, if you'd
have taken a step
in his direction
he might have
hightailed it.
Well, better safe
than sorry then.
Yeah.
You girls from out of town?
My name is Mary.
Mary Daughtry.
Uh, we're stayin'
over there
at my cousin's place.
McKellers?
Yeah. You know 'em?
No.
My name's Smyth,
with a Y.
Just in case
you girls need to
write me a check one day.
(SMYTH CHUCKLES)
What brings you
across the lake?
We were looking
for beavers.
Well, hell,
ain't we all?
Well, if you see one,
you ought to
stay away from it.
They will
mess with you.
You look real close,
they'll come out,
Peak out just a little
bitty knob out there,
little pink knob, like
a little ol' puppy's dick.
Well, I guess we'll be
more careful then.
You know...
You might want to
cover up.
We got decent folk
out in this neighborhood.
Families.
You know, kids.
Yeah, we know.
It's just that
she lost her bikini
top in the lake.
Talking about
all three of you.
Your little
bare stomachs,
weird-ass
little tattoos.
Okay, he's a creeper.
Yeah. There's probably
some helpless
furry little animal
just waiting to get shot.
Ugh.
Well, I've had enough
excitement for one day.
At least you got to
see a man, right?
I don't like them there
tattoos and shit.
MARY: Shut up,
he could hear you.
ZOE: (GIGGLES)
I don't care.
(GROWLING)
All right,
I got popcorn.
Sing a song...
Is it popcorn
or is it popped-corn?
I don't know.
Jenn, go long!
Zoe, you're wasting it all.
JENN: Okay, whose turn is it?
ZOE: All right, Jenn.
Would you rather? Go.
Okay. Would you rather
never be able to
use a tampon
or never be able to
use lipstick?
That is so lame, Jenn.
I've got one.
Are you ready?
Would you rather
watch your mom
get murdered
by your daddy
or get raped
by your daddy
while your mom
had to watch?
Zoe, that's awful.
Would you rather?
Answer it.
I guess
get raped by my dad.
Ew!
Gross!
What? Would you rather
have your mom die?
I wouldn't do either.
That's so fucking
disgusting.
You're sick.
What's the point
of this game anyways?
I don't blame you,
your dad's real hot.
He is.
(RUSTLING)
(PANTING)
All right. Home run me.
Home run me.
Ready?
Hang on, hang on,
hang on.
(LAUGHS)
(SINGING)
Da, da, da, da, dah!
You missed.
I did it
by the air, bitch.
I'll do it myself.
Ah!
Whoo!
(LAUGHS)
I got it.
Truth or dare.
Y'all can make out
like you did last time.
No, that's no fun unless
there's guys around
to make jealous.
That's bullshit.
You liked it
and you know it.
Come here,
come give me a kiss.
Stop. I didn't even
say dare.
(POUNDING)
What was that?
(LAUGHS)
It's your daddy, Jenn.
Yeah, he's come
to collect.
Oh, real funny.
(POUNDING)
No, seriously,
what the fuck is that?
Well,
I'm just gonna have to
go and find out.
JENN: Don't open the door.
Hello?
Anybody?
Hey, serial killers,
we've got three
hot babes in here
who haven't had sex
in a really long time.
MARY: It could be
dangerous out there.
Ooh!
MARY: Zoe, I'm serious.
You know what, Mary?
You're a real buzzkill.
JENN: Don't go out there!
Why are there
no streetlights?
Because there are
no streets.
I hate the country.
(SOFTLY)
Zoe.
(POUNDING NOISE)
(GASPS)
What the hell is that?
Should we
call the police
or something?
(DOOR SLAMS)
Oh, my God,
oh, my God.
It's okay, it's okay.
It was just the wind.
It's locked.
Mary...
It's okay. Just...
(GROWLS)
(SCREAMING)
(PARTS)
Ha, ha!
Tommy! You asshole!
Oh, come on.
It's nice
to see you too.
But that wasn't funny.
How did you
even get up here?
I'm sorry, babe.
Buck talked me into it.
Yeah, I had to
drag his ass
all the way up here
and the whole time
he's like,
"Wait, no, wait,
Mary said that we're not
supposed to come.
"Mary said that
it's just girl's night.
"Mary wants to just
be with her vagina
all weekend."
Shut up, Buck.
Oh, my God,
you guys should have
seen y'all's faces.
It was classic.
You were in on this?
Not if it'll make you
any madder.
(POUNDING)
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
Would any of you ladies
care to come inside
and join me,
'cause there's
no beer out here.
This is my
cousin's house,
you idiot.
How did you
even get in there?
Magic. No,
bedroom window was open.
Hi, Jenn.
What part of "stay away"
do you guys not understand?
The "stay away" part.
I just don't get it.
You're not
invited up here.
Despite whatever
this one may have
told you.
Hey, come on, come on.
We parked the car
down the road
so you wouldn't hear us.
Besides,
we missed you guys.
Mary, I haven't had sex
in 36 hours.
You know,
when your foot's asleep?
My dick's asleep.
I've got to wake it up.
ZOE: I have to
wake that dick up.
Wake that dick up.
Baby.
I will.
I can't even
feel it.
Mary, please.
Mary, please,
my dick's asleep.
Wasn't this weekend
for everybody?
Yeah, it was until
you fucked it all up.
No, I'm sorry.
You guys have to leave.
But, Mary,
they just drove
all the way out here.
This is my house
and I make the rules.
It's fine, Mary.
They can stay.
Jenn! Thank you, Jenn!
Give it up for
Jenn everybody.
(CLAPS)
Right?
Jenn, do not let them
bully you into this.
No, really, maybe
it will force me to,
you know,
face it head on
instead of running away.
You sure?
Oh my, goddammit,
she's sure. Come on.
Come on, we're all
adults here.
This doesn't have
to be awkward.
Gentlemen,
I'll see you
in the bone zone.
Let's get drunk.
(MARY YELLS)
Whoo!
BUCK: Ow!
Right.
Well, at least
this can't get
any more awkward.
(LOVEMAKING SOUNDS)
(MOANING)
Oh, I feel like
a power ranger!
Oh! Oh, shit,
you are sweet!
You are way too
hot for me!
Oh, baby!
You know it!
This was helpful.
Thanks for stopping by.
Baby.
Don't call me that.
You've lost
your baby privileges.
But it's not as bad
as you think.
You've no idea
what I think.
Can we at least
talk about it?
Fine. Want to
talk about it?
Who is she?
Do I know this
little whore?
What is that?
Seaweed?
It's you,
you asshole.
A friend of a friend
tagged you on Facebook
from Michelle's
party last weekend.
Who is she?
I know it looks bad.
I do.
I know.
But I was really drunk.
You know what,
if you're not gonna
answer my questions
then we have
nothing else
to talk about.
Just, come on...
Don't touch me.
You feel better?
Getting there.
(SIGHS)
Let me go.
I'll scream.
Join the club.
I missed you so much.
(THUD)
Oh.
Missed you too.
(GROANS)
Ah.
That was worth
the drive up. For sure.
Again.
I'm only one man.
(GIGGLES)
It takes an hour
to recharge.
Do you not
read magazines?
(GROANS)
Oh. Oh.
Can you hand me
my glasses?
Yeah.
You Okay?
Yeah, why?
I don't know.
You just seem
a little out of it.
Did you finish?
I guess I'm just
worried about Jenn,
that's all.
So, that's a no.
(SIGHS)
(THUMP)
Someone in there?
(THUMPING)
Buck, I swear to God,
I'm gonna stick that
bat up your...
(GROWLING)
(SHRIEKING)
(CRYING) Oh, my God,
you have to see them!
You guys...
What?
In the bathroom!
Calm down.
What's wrong?
There's something in there.
Tell me what's wrong!
There's something,
I don't know, like...
Who the fuck
is crying
on vacation day?
What's goin' on?
What did you do
to her?
SAM: No, I didn't do anything.
(GASPING)
Listen,
there's a beaver
in the bathroom.
That's really great news,
haven't you been looking for
beavers since we got here?
No, no, there was
something wrong with it.
It was fucking
rabid or something.
Well, you know
what we should do?
We should capture it
and we'll raise it
as our own.
Jenn, you are
a really ugly crier.
Go look
in the fucking bathroom!
Jenn, I tell you what.
This is getting
real ridiculous.
Let's go
to the fucking bathroom.
Okay, big daddy
Buck's got it.
Here, Jenn,
here, Jenn.
Oh, there is no way
I'm drunk enough for this.
You're drunk as
any one of
the rest of us,
so fucking man up.
Yeah, just man up.
Just be careful.
Pussy. Bein' a pussy.
Jesus. Dude, really?
Fuckin' pussy.
Shut up.
Bein' a bitch.
Bein' a little
bitch about it.
(RUNNING WATER)
Jenn, there's
nothing in here.
I swear.
It was right there.
Oh, my God, Jenn.
Is that one of
those bathrooms?
Oh, look at me,
I'm in a scary,
scary bathroom, Jenn.
Jenn, be honest.
Did you shit in here?
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God!
(GROWLING CONTINUES)
(SCREAMING)
Kill it!
(BEAVER SNARLING)
How the hell
is that thing
still movin'?
(SCREAMING)
That's gnarly.
Someone want to
get a garbage bag?
That was rabies?
Yeah, probably.
Then again
I've never seen
a real beaver before
up close so...
Yeah, me neither.
Well, maybe
you should try
going down on me
once in a while, Buck.
That was not
a normal beaver.
I can tell you that much.
Yeah. Normal beavers
have pupils in their
goddam eyes,
don't they'?
Fucking chicks,
come on.
The beaver obviously
had something.
Wait, I mean,
did it bite anyone?
Jenn, are you...
No.
Good. 'Cause I've heard
that rabies shots
hurt like a bitch.
Yeah, not to mention
the nearest hospital
is 30 miles away.
Maybe we should
just go home.
What?
Yeah, no. Jenn,
we drove four hours
to get here.
My foot's still asleep
from the ride up.
I don't care about
your foot, Buck.
You know,
we're all just upset
and drunk and...
And horny.
And 6'3",
but that's just me.
Buck, shut the fuck up.
Okay, you're right.
MARY: I think that
we should just
sleep on it.
Okay, well,
I'm sleeping with you then.
Yeah, sure, Jenn.
Whatever you want.
Guys, we could
die tomorrow, okay.
This could be
our last night.
This may sound crazy
but we need to
have an orgy,
I'm not fucking around.
A safety orgy,
you know, stay together,
like in the old west
with the caravans.
(BEAVER SNARLING)
(WHISTLING)
(GROWLING)
(STARTS WHISTLING AGAIN)
BUCK: Okay, here we go.
Don't let the dog look.
ZOE: Relax.
I'm not going to...
Oh, my God, Mary.
Look.
Yuck.
Some wild animal
came and took it.
See the footprints.
(GROWLS)
Come on.
I don't like this.
What?
Ah, Jenn, come on,
we're all the way out
in the middle of the woods.
We tossed something
on the porch
and something's glad
that we did it.
What are you thinkin'?
All I know is
that thing is dead,
guys, come on.
Can we please go
swimming now?
Yeah, I second that.
Let's go.
You still want to
go in the water
after what happened
last night?
Last night was
in there, okay?
The water's way safer
than in the cabin.
Yeah, come on.
It's a beautiful day
and the lake's
right over here.
We haven't seen
you ladies in
your bikinis yet.
Come on.
You know, we were
doing just fine
before you guys
showed up.
Jenn, that's not fair.
Yeah. Tommy did kill
that beaver for us.
BUCK: Yeah. Sorry Sam
didn't kill anything
because that would be
the only beaver
he's getting this weekend.
Will you please stop
with the beaver jokes?
BUCK: Why did the beaver
cross the road?
TOMMY: Whoo! Attagirl!
Come in, Misery!
Get your ass in the water
and join the rest
of the human beings!
Has it ever occurred
to any of you
that there might be
more beavers?
(MOCKING JENN)
Has it ever
occurred to...
(BOTH MOCKING)
Beavers... Beavers...
So, you seen
the mysterious photo?
Of course I've seen it.
I've seen it
over 300 times
since Wednesday.
She has me analyzin'
every line and ever pixel,
trying to figure out
who it is you're on top of.
Well, I guess it's safe
to say that she, uh,
she doesn't know
that it was you.
SAM: Are you gonna
tell her?
I don't know.
Well, you know,
if you just tell her
it was nothing,
she's gonna believe you.
Maybe.
But she'll hate me.
Tell that to my finger.
Are you crazy?
Don't be stupid, Jenn.
Get your ass
in the water right now.
TOMMY: Yeah. Come on.
Yeah, peer pressure, Jenn.
Come on.
Fine.
You know with
all the shit
that's gone down,
we haven't talked.
Like you said,
it was nothin'.
Besides, I'm with Tommy.
And if you're really lucky,
you'll still be with Jenn.
You happy?
This is the happiest day
of my life, Jenn.
You're in the lake.
I don't know
how it happened,
but it did.
Oh, my God.
What?
Something just swam
past my foot.
(BEAVER SNARLING)
(SIGHS)
You are, like,
such a hypochondriac.
No, I swear to God,
you guys,
something just
fucking hit my foot.
(LAUGHING)
Oh!
Oh, look,
Buck feels it too.
(LAUGHING)
Wait.
(GASPS)
You swallow
some water?
My foot!
TOMMY: Holy shit!
(ZOE SCREAMS)
Oh, my God!
Get out of the water!
Oh, my God!
What the fuck?
Is that blood?
(SCREAMING)
Get to the raft!
Get to the fucking raft!
Hurry!
(YELLING)
(BEAVER GROWLING)
(GROANING)
TOMMY: Oh, fuck,
he got me too!
No.
Fuck!
That was another
fuckin' beaver!
More than one.
Beavers don't do this.
They don't just...
They don't just attack
people like this.
Oh, my God.
(BUCK GROANING)
We have to
tie this off right now.
What about this?
No, no, no, too small,
too small.
Wait.
The dog's vest.
Yeah, yeah,
perfect, perfect.
Hurry!
(SCREAMS)
(BUCK GROANING)
Look!
(BEAVER SNARLING)
Where's Jenn?
Jenn!
(PANTING)
Shit.
Hold on, hold on,
hold on!
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
They're coming.
(YELLING)
Shit.
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
Where did they go?
(THUMPS)
(GASPS)
Shit!
(SCREAMING)
(THUMPING)
TOMMY: They're underneath us!
(THUMPING CONTINUES)
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
(SCREAMS) No!
(PANTING)
(BEAVER GROWLS)
(SCREAMS)
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
Be careful!
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
Hold on people.
We cannot stay here.
Yeah, no shit!
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
Hold on, hold on.
(ZOE CRYING)
(SNARLING)
There's too many of them.
(SCREAMING)
(GROWLING)
Oh, my God!
We have to swim for it.
SAM: We need a diversion.
(SCREAMING)
What the fuck!
All right.
You know what?
Sorry buddy.
Surf's up!
(ZOE SCREAMING)
Gosling!
Gosling!
No!
No! (CRYING)
We have to go,
go now!
Go, go.
(CRYING)
TOMMY: Shit! Swim!
Go, go! Swim!
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROWLING)
Oh my God! Ahhh!
(SNARLING)
(SNARLING CONTINUES)
This doesn't make any
goddamn sense.
This is the same one
from the bathroom.
Is he like on steroids
or something?
Mary, does it look like
a baseball player?
I don't know, Zoe.
I mean, how could it
still be alive?
It isn't.
What?
It isn't alive.
Are you saying what
I think you're saying?
All right, enough talk.
What are you doing?
This.
Oh, Jesus.
Any questions?
(SIGHS) There's still
no dial tone.
What?
Did the beavers do it?
For all we know,
the dial tone
wasn't even on
to begin with.
You Okay?
Now, look, lam sorry,
about the dog.
About the dog?
It's my dog.
You killed my dog.
It's between us
and a... and a dog,
I'm going to pick us
every time.
If that makes me
an asshole,
then so be it, man.
It does.
Asshole!
Oh, give me a break.
It's a dog.
Fuck you! I hate you.
I hate...
Get off of me, Mary!
Stop.
You stop!
You would take his side.
I'm not taking
anyone's side.
Oh, yeah?
Tell that to Jenn.
Mary, what is she
talking about?
That's right, Jenn.
The girl in
the stupid picture
with Sam,
it's fucking Mary.
Thanks, Zoe.
She has a right to know.
Everybody else does
for fuck's sake!
I didn't know.
Tommy.
Jenn,
I was going to tell you.
It doesn't matter.
We have bigger
problems now.
(THUMPING ON DOOR)
(BEAVER SNARLING)
It's them, isn't it?
TOMMY: Oh, you think?
They're everywhere.
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
Make it stop.
It has to be some
sort of intimidation tactic
or something.
Well, it's working.
Oh, my God!
(SMACKING)
MARY: Oh my God!
Son of a bitch!
(HISSING)
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
Is this what you want?
You fucks!
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
They're just out there
waiting for us.
We've got to get Buck
to a hospital.
What about
the neighbor's place?
Yeah, we could use
their phone.
Oh, fuck that.
I'll go for the car.
Fuck that too.
You stay here
with the girls then.
I'll get Buck
to a hospital
and send back help.
Give me Buck's foot.
(GROANS)
I'm going with you.
No, Zoe, you can't.
I have to.
Ew.
They could be out there.
They are out there,
but like you said,
we don't have a choice.
Buck is clearly not going to
make it through the night.
There's got to be
some other way.
Look. Beavers are
great swimmers
but they're not that fast
on land, okay?
JENN: Those things out there
(SCOFFS)
they're not beavers.
I'm going to need
your car
'cause ours is
down the road a ways.
Give me the keys.
Tommy, you don't
have to do this.
Mary.
It's okay.
Give me the keys.
Tommy?
Come on.
Come on baby.
Get the door.
I don't see
anything. You?
My eyes are closed.
All right, let's go.
Come on.
Wait.
(BUCK GRUNTING)
Hurry, hurry!
Get the door.
Hurry, you better get in!
Better hurry.
They're in.
Come on, come on.
It's a fucking hybrid.
You have to finesse it.
(CAR BEEPING)
They made it.
Maybe we should've
just gone with them.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe we should
just leave.
Oh, no.
Will somebody help me?
God, you really are a pussy.
Move!
We've got to board up all
of these windows.
I'll do the heavy lifting.
You girls are
safe with me.
Did you hear something?
Did I hear what?
Banging? Hollering?
Oh, it's just those kids
scissoring each other
to Lady Gaga.
Well, I know it's those kids.
Well, what do you want
me to do about it?
Call the police?
Well, I heard
tires screeching.
You think we ought
to go over there and
check up on them?
You never did know when to
mind your own business.
And you never did know
when to get up off your ass.
You really want me
to go over there
and check on a bunch
of college girls?
Because you know
I might just have to
stay for their party.
(LAUGHS)
Eww. Pig.
(GROWLING SOFTLY)
Buck?
How you doing there, man?
You hanging with us?
Oh, God.
It's okay, buddy.
Hey, hey, hey!
Stay with us,
stay with us, Buck.
Everything's gonna
be good, alright?
Oh!
Shit.
What the fuck?
Fuck!
Oh, no! Oh, fuck!
They did this!
Fuck!
Suck a bag of dicks!
Shit. Fuck!
There's no way around this.
Look!
Oh, shit. Shit, wait here,
I'm gonna go check it out.
Be careful!
Hello?
There's no one here.
What are you doing?
There's guns and one ax.
Are you gonna steal them?
Yeah, whatever,
we'll borrow 'em.
I promise,
I'll bring 'em right back.
Here.
What the hell am
I supposed to do with this?
Just take it. Please.
Should we go
back to the cabin?
No, just you guys.
What? Wait!
Go get some more guns,
load up the trunk
and get everybody
back to the cabin.
Please, get in the car
and turn it around.
Wait.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna go ahead on foot
and get some help.
You're insane, Tommy.
Zoe, please just get in
the car and hurry.
Zoe?
I'm sorry I never
ate your pussy.
I'm gonna go back and
eat all of it one day.
It's okay, baby.
We're gonna get
out of here, okay?
It just smells so
bad down there.
(TOMMY SCREAMING)
Tommy? Tommy!
(CRYING) No!
(SNARLING)
No!
(SNARLING)
(GUNSHOT)
You!
Looks like you're
hemmed in a little bit.
Let's take my truck.
We have to save
my boyfriend.
Well, come on.
Let's get him and
get out of here.
Come on, sweetie!
Here, get in.
(SCREAMS)
Damn beavers.
Ah!
SMYTH: I thought
I told you to cover up?
(SNARLING BEHIND DOOR)
They sound like babies.
Yeah, crazy fucking babies.
Nails, nails, nails,
nails, nails.
Towards me.
No, duh.
Come out to the lake,
have a few laughs.
Dammit.
(SNARLING)
No!
What? What happened?
You do realize that the
whole point of a beaver
is that it fucking
chomps wood.
Oh, well, if you want me
to cover the whole house
with sheet metal,
just say the word.
MAN ON RADIO: This just in.
If you are receiving
this broadcast,
barricade your doors
and windows and
do not leave your home.
Unless you want the
deal of the century!
Come on down
to Ashland Toyota!
Damn radio.
Back in the '70s,
the beaver fever hit.
Scared up the
whole damn county.
Beaver fever?
Caused by the
Giardia parasite.
Beavers carry it.
Affects people too.
Affects them how?
Oh, diarrhea mostly.
What does it have to do
with what's going on here?
Any of you guys
got diarrhea?
No.
Well, now
that's good.
Doesn't matter anyway.
Whatever these
beavers got out here,
I ain't seen nothing
like it before.
Yeah, no kidding, mister.
Caught one in a trap,
early this morning,
only it weren't dead.
And trust me,
it shoulda been
real dead.
(SNARLING)
They're leaving.
(SNARLING SOFTLY)
Why?
How the hell should I know?
MARY: Wait, listen.
It's a truck.
It's Zoe!
What?
And Buck!
How did they get
back so fast?
Maybe they brought help?
Or something went wrong.
There's someone else.
Wait, is it that hunter guy?
What hunter guy?
Do you see Tommy?
ZOE: Grab the cane.
Wait for me,
wait for me!
Shit, we need to get
the boards off the door.
Are you sure
that's a good idea?
Are you kidding?
Get over here
and help us.
I don't know
if you know
but those things can
come back in here
and then we're all dead.
Fuck me.
ZOE: Baby, come on.
Get there.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Open up!
The door's all boarded up.
Why?
You know why
the fuck why!
Well, hurry up.
BUCK: You guys.
Hey, you guys.
Hey you guys,
you'd better turn around!
Filthy, hairy beavers.
(GUNSHOT)
Baby, come on.
Get up, get up, get up!
Run. Run!
Hurry! Come on, baby.
Sons of bitches.
(GUNSHOT)
It's okay, baby.
Come on.
(SNARLS)
Just a little
bit further.
Come on.
(GASPS)
They're not gonna make it.
There's too many of 'em.
(GUNSHOT)
Come on baby,
up, up, up!
You got it!
They made it.
Come on, baby.
Tommy's okay, right?
Yeah. I'm sure he's
still out getting help.
Right.
Cause there's no reason
to think otherwise.
ZOE: Hello?
Maybe they're not home.
SMYTH: Yeah, that'd be
wishful thinking.
(GASPS)
They couldn't be biting
through the phone lines
on purpose, could they?
Can't say for certain.
Beavers like to chew on shit,
especially twigs, branches,
blades of grass and such.
I suppose wires
fit the bill as well.
The phone in the cabin.
It didn't work either.
Stay here.
I'll check upstairs.
When was the last time
you picked up
an actual book?
In class.
You should really
try it some time.
"Beavers are herbivores."
Great book.
Why don't you try
looking up
zombie beavers?
"They live in family groups or
colonies and will defend their
lodge against other beavers."
Oh, oh, you think the beavers
think that they're,
that we're other beavers?
The fuck?
"Keen senses of hearing,
smell and touch.
"They live up to 24 years."
Just like us.
I mean, if we don't
make it out of here.
"They're monogamous."
Not like us.
(SIGHS)
Jenn,
it was just,
it was just one
of those things.
So you're saying
it was a mistake?
Don't answer.
You just did.
Look.
Once the three of us are
far away from this cabin,
we can sit down like adults
and we can try to
figure out why you
both find me attractive.
Jenn, you have
every reason
to hate me.
Why him?
I don't know.
Listen,
we cannot turn against
each other right now.
That is exactly what
the beavers would want.
Let me see this.
"Animal behaviorists have
found beavers to be
gentle, reasoning creatures
"that like to play
practical jokes.
"They are considered
to be excellent
at building tunnels."
I seriously need
to lie down.
Okay.
All clear upstairs.
Appears the beavers have
left the premises
for the time being.
What about
the old lady?
Well, she's still in bed
what's left of her, anyway.
What you got there?
Sandwich?
No, it's Buck's foot.
We're keeping it on ice
so we could reattach it.
That's what we're
supposed to do, right?
Keep it on ice?
Well, not directly on ice.
It kills the tissue.
Well, shit!
Well, what shall I do?
Shall I wrap it in a
towel or something?
Well, I suppose that depends
on when it came off.
I... I don't know.
This afternoon,
maybe four or five hours ago.
Technically, I guess there's a
chance that they can sew that
sucker back on.
We'd have to be
at the hospital
within the hour
but that ain't
gonna happen.
Might as well just
chuck the damn thing
and call it a day.
I'm sorry.
Do you want
some chicken?
There's plenty of it in
the fridge over there.
I don't want any chicken.
We need to go to
the hospital now.
Well, you know
as well as I do
that road's blocked.
We sure as hell can't
get through on foot
in pitch dark.
With or without
carrying the big fella.
Plus, beavers are
generally more
active at night.
So I suggest maybe
we hole up here
till the morning,
then one or two of us
can make a go at it.
He could bleed
to death overnight.
Yeah, well.
I could always
cauterize the stump.
You sure you don't
want some chicken?
I'm not hungry.
Jenn?
You never cared that
Sam cheated, did you?
You only cared
that it was me.
Jenn, I know that
we've been through
a lot but this
isn't going to
solve anything.
I love you, really, but
I... I just don't
think of you this way.
(RUSTLING)
(SCREAMS)
(MARY SCREAMS)
(SNARLING)
(GROWLING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(SMACKING SOUND)
Come on. Come on,
let's go.
(FIRE CRACKLING)
(COUGHS)
You've done this
before, right?
No, ma'am.
But I've seen it on
television many a time.
Ugh.
It's okay.
(WHIMPERS)
(GROWLING)
All right.
What the fuck
was that?
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
Buck!
(GRUNTING)
Son of a bitch!
Buck! No!
(SNARLING)
(BULLET RICOCHETING)
(COOKING)
(GUNSHOT)
(CRYING)
Fuck.
(SNARLING)
No!
Oh no! Fuck!
(GASPS)
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(THUMPING)
What is she
doing in there?
I don't know.
(SNARLING)
It's got to be some
kind of virus
transmitted by the beavers.
Oh, no shit!
Did you hear her?
Did you fucking
see her face?
Do you think that
we can help her?
I mean, do you think
it's permanent?
I don't know.
She's gonna be on medication
for the rest of her life.
Hey, what are you doing?
Are you bit?
Are you scratched?
I'm fine.
Take off your shirt.
Why?
Just take your
fucking shirt off.
Calm down.
(SNARLING)
(GASPING)
(SCREAMS)
(SNARLS)
(SOBBING)
(WHIMPERING)
You fucking bitch!
(GUN CLICKING)
(SNARLING)
(SNARLING)
(YELLS)
Fuck!
(SNARLING)
(FLOORBOARD CRACKING)
SAM; All right.
Come on, come on, come on!
They're fucking everywhere!
Oh, the truck!
The truck.
It was still running,
last time I checked.
I'm not gonna
make a run for it.
Mary.
Take off your shirt.
Why?
Take off your
fucking shirt!
Satisfied?
Now take off the rest.
Zombie beavers running
around but what the fuck
do we care?
Turn around.
You done?
I guess so.
Your turn.
What's this?
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Mary, I promise I'm gonna
get us out of here.
Don't talk.
(ELECTRICAL BUZZ)
(SNARLING)
I want to take
my glasses off.
No, no. It's hot, it's hot.
Do you smell something?
What?
Smoke, smoke, I smell smoke.
Okay. I'll take
care of it.
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING)
Oh God!
Oh. Fuck me.
(SNARLING)
ZOE: Get in!
ZOE: Where's Jenn?
MARY: They're all dead.
Just go!
We're getting
the fuck out of here.
Oh, shit, Zoe!
Get down!
Zoe, look out!
Are you okay?
Yeah.
(SNARLING)
Oh, I think we woke
the neighbors.
(SNARLING)
GO! Go!
I'm trying.
Go! Go! Go!
MARY: Fucking go!
(GROWLING)
I mean, really?
(ROARS)
Is this truck fucking
covered in honey?
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(SNARLS)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
I never liked
that bitch anyway.
Why are we stopping?
It's okay, Mary.
The trees are down ahead
and we've got to
continue on foot.
Come on.
What?
It's nothing.
Just keep going.
We're gonna have to
go behind the car.
We have to go
around it.
Come on.
You're okay now, Mary.
We're gonna make it.
It's gonna be okay.
We just need to
go a little further.
Mary, what are you doing?
(GUN COOKING)
Where did you get that?
The glove compartment.
You got bit and we both know
that you're gonna turn
into one of those things.
No, we don't know that.
Yes, we do!
Mary, I feel totally fine,
I swear.
What, is it this?
I jumped through
a fucking window!
I ran through the woods.
They crushed my foot,
I did not get bit!
You shut up!
Do not come any closer!
I mean it.
You at least have to
wait until I turn,
or else you'll
be a murderer.
(GURGLING)
Mary! Mary, no!
(GRUNTING)
(THUDDING)
(SOBBING)
(SNARLING)
(YELLING)
(MARY SNARLING)
(SQUISHING)
Hey, you see that girl?
Yeah, I see her.
I trust you.
(THUDDING)
CREW MEMBER 11 B-mark.
CREW MEMBER 23 Okay.
Beaver fever?
Yeah.
Caused by the
Giardia parasite.
Beavers carry it.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Caused by the...
(LAUGHS)
Fuck.
Cause by the
Giardia parasite.
It's very fucking
serious shit.
(ALL LAUGH)
Let's roll it again.
Sorry, Jordan.
We're over there and
it's Saving Private,
Private's Ryan.
Jenn we're up
there sucking...
And fucking.
And fucking,
fucking, okay?
And...
(ALL LAUGHING)
CREW MEMBER: We almost had it.
We're in there sucking
and yes...
And fucking.
Trucking. Keep going.
I got nothing.
We're gonna go to Arby's
and get some
apple turnovers.
MAN: Copy that. Over.
I got a hand job at
an Arby's one time.
Oh, yeah?
Or did I give one?
(LAUGHS)
(CREW MEMBERS LAUGHING)
(SNARLS)
CREW MEMBER:
Oh, no, the hand.
(ALL LAUGHING)
DIRECTOR: Action.
(LAUGHS)
That's gnarly.
Gnar-ley.
Gnarl-ley.
Gnarly.
Nar-gully!
CREW MEMBER: Nar-gully?
CREW MEMBER: The dog's
supposed to be scared of them.
I had a job for a minute as
one of those sign spinners.
Like, like one of
those sandwich places?
Yeah. But I had plugged it in,
I put some Christmas
lights in it,
tried to get paid extra,
strangled my penis.
Strangled your penis?
How does that happen?
You can strangle
your penis.
Were you doing that
flip behind your back
and it came up
around your taint?
My penis was in a,
was in a rear,
naked choke.
Well, what kind of workman's
comp do you get for that?
You just get fired.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Can someone pull
my glasses down?
CREW MEMBER: Yep.
Well, not you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Okay.
Do you like the moan?
Or do you like the...
(SQUEALING)
DIRECTOR: Both.
I'll do the moan,
you do the (SQUEAKS)
My mom never loved me,
my mom never loved me.
Why are you with me?
Why are you with me?
What do you see in me?
I don't know.
(ALL LAUGHING)
CREW MEMBER: That's great.
DIRECTOR: Ready, action.
Well, that is fucked up.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
You hear your
sweetheart scream
She tells you why
You don't believe her
She saw one in
the bathroom,
it's no lie
It's a Zombeaver
Contaminated by toxic goo
A random genetic mistake
They're semi-aquatic
They're hungry for you
Boys and girls stay
away from the lake
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
A cheerful gang
of college students
Think they're on vacation
Instead they're dodging
beaver chompers and
facing their damnation
Don't board up the doorways
and windows, my friend
It won't do any good
These furry, brown bastards
are fully equipped
And they'll chew right
through the wood
Say goodbye to
your golden retriever
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
So brace yourself,
you've never witnessed
rodents quite like these
Oh, Jesus Christ,
you can't escape
They blocked
the road with trees
Check your bodies
for scratches,
you can't be too careful
Their claws are a
cause for concern
Yes, once you're infected,
it's only a matter of time
before you turn into
Zombeavers
Spoiler alert.
Zombeavers
Look out they're coming
through the walls
Your girlfriend's
chewing off your balls
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
Zombeavers, baby
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(BUZZING)
(BUZZING)
(SNARLING)
she's pregnant again,
you know, so we're going
back down to the clinic,
she's crying,
"Do you love me?"
and all that type of stuff,
I told her I did but...
You think that means
I'm going to hell?
Nah.
You know I dated a guy once.
Could I hear
all about it?
I mean, there's not
a lot to tell,
it's like one of
the easiest weeks
of my life
other than the sex.
That was brutal.
You know,
it's not the dick,
it's the whiskers, man,
just creeps you out.
Yeah, we just agreed
on everything.
"Want to get some beers?"
"Yeah."
"Want to watch the game?"
"Absolutely."
We have beers
and we watch the game.
LUKE: I hear a lot of
myself in this story.
There's none of you
in the story, man,
it was a one-time thing.
Yeah.
My friend told me
I can't shit
in his house anymore.
Oh, isn't that
the worst?
You believe that?
Yeah, they get all mad
'cause you blew out
their bathroom.
It's a place to shit.
It's the... That's what
the room is built for.
You're supposed to
go in there
and take a shit
and then when you do it,
they act like
they're surprised.
Like you took a dump
on their table
or something.
Yeah. I did
take a dump
on his table.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
Hey, man, you see
that deer up there?
Yeah, I see it.
I don't think you do.
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
(THUMPING)
Okay, I admit it.
I didn't see the deer.
I see him now.
Hey, check the back.
Your back's fine.
I'm gonna
check the front.
(SIGHS)
He's not gonna make it.
Eh, they carry disease.
All right,
here we go.
Up and over.
(BEAVERS COOING)
(WEEPING)
(PHONE CHIMES)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
MAN: Gotta shit.
Dammit.
Just a second.
Whoa.
Sorry. The ladies' room
was occupied.
Would you mind moving?
Well, why don't you...
(LAUGHS)
I don't mind
doing anything
you ask me to do.
ZOE: What took you so long?
JENN: Um, they were
out of toilet paper.
Had to use my hands.
(ZOE GIGGLES)
I slit a sheet,
a sheet I slit.
And on the slitted
sheet I sit.
I slit a sheet,
a sheet I slit
and on this shitted...
Dammit.
You suck.
I know.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Hey, biatch,
what did I say?
Right. No texting.
Sorry.
You know,
that's totally rude, Jenn.
No textin' and no boys
for the entire weekend.
Wow. That sounds
so awesome.
Shut up, Zoe.
Maybe this is
a bad idea.
I don't want you guys
to have a lame weekend
just 'cause of me.
Well, great,
let's re-invite the guys.
Isn't that right,
Gosling?
He says,
"Yes, that's right."
That's not
real supportive, Zoe.
I mean, if Buck
cheated on you,
I wouldn't be
making a joke about it
every five minutes.
First of all, like,
Buck would never
cheat on me.
And second,
I'm only kidding,
Jenn, so relax.
This weekend
is about Y-O-U.
Yeah, we know
that's asking you
to give up a lot.
Nah, only about
six inches.
That is so gross.
Yeah. Next subject,
please.
(CHUCKLES)
Mary, does your
cousin's shack
have electricity?
Why? Do you need
a place to plug in
your vibrator?
(CHUCKLES)
ZOE: How dare you?
(WEIRD ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)
Ah!
Turn that
music off, Mary.
You seriously like this?
You seriously don't?
Don't listen.
MARY: I can't believe I'm
friends with people who
have no taste in music.
(REELING)
(GRUNTS)
(RUSTLING)
(GROWLING)
MARY: Here we are.
This is so beautiful.
Do your cousins, like,
throw their trash
in the middle of the lake?
Why would you
even ask that?
'Cause, there's
a big piece of wood
just floating
in the middle of it.
That's a raft,
you idiot.
It's anchored there
so people can use it.
Come on, let's go.
We're almost there.
ZOE: The suspense
is killin' me.
JENN: Are we stoppin' here
for more gas?
ZOE: My legs!
My butt hurts.
Yeah, thanks to
your boyfriend.
Very funny.
That's disgusting.
I'm first.
I seriously
need a drink.
Okay.
Go kill some
squirrels, buddy.
Kill 'em good.
What do you think?
ZOE: Are we really
gonna swim in that bog?
First off,
it's a lake.
And yes,
we're really
gonna swim in it.
I haven't swam
in a lake
in my whole life.
Have you swam
in a pool?
Yeah.
Well, I think
you're gonna find out
it's really
not all that different.
Of course it's different.
This is nature.
She's right.
You're gonna wind up
with a lot more bugs
in your mouth.
Oh, you guys,
that neighbor lady
is comin' over
so be nice.
Oh, my God...
Mary, is that you?
Mrs. Gregorson.
It's so nice
to see you.
Oh, my goodness,
you have blossomed.
ZOE: Not really.
Her tits are still small.
MARY: Thanks, Zoe.
Myrna, these are
my sorority sisters,
this is Jenn and Zoe.
Oh, right, well,
it's a pleasure.
Hello.
'Sup, biatch?
Are you looking
after the house
while your cousins
are away?
Oh, no. We're just
up here for the weekend.
Oh, right. Unwinding
in between all the exams.
Well, we were supposed to
have torrid, getaway sex
but Jenn's guy
cheated on her, so...
Oh, I see.
She is kiddin',
Mrs. Gregorson.
I am kidding.
None of us have had sex.
Even
Yeah.
Oh, it's okay, Mary.
My daughter is a total
fuckin' bitch too.
A real whore.
Sometimes she brings
people home,
I don't even know
what sex they are.
And I'm not saying
anything negative
about them,
I'm a very,
very liberal woman,
but my daughter
is a real piece of work
and not that attractive.
Well, if you girls
need anything,
you know
where to find us.
Winston and I
would love to have you
over for breakfast.
Yeah, that,
that sounds nice.
Maybe we'll take you
up on that.
No pressure, of course.
(LAUGHS)
Okay.
Here we are.
Home sweet home.
Whoo!
(LAUGHS)
Ugh, it smells in here.
What's that
smell in here?
It smells like wood.
(URINATING)
Where's the bathroom?
Straight down the hall.
Where's the other bathroom?
There's only
one bathroom.
I'm just gonna go
right here.
You seriously can't wait
two minutes for Jenn?
Shh. It's coming out.
(WATER RUNNING)
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
JENN: Come on.
(SIGHS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
What?
One bathroom.
Fun, right?
Be my guest.
Let me guess.
No service.
What?
Oh, Jenn, you are
a horrible liar.
Okay. I texted him back.
Why are girls
so attracted
to such assholes?
You're not. Tommy's great.
You are not supposed to
be talking to Sam.
That is the whole purpose
of this entire trip.
Well, it's not like
I have much of
a choice now, is it?
Exactly.
How am I gonna
check my messages?
I have not gone
more than 24 hours
without Instagram
since, like,
there was no Instagram.
And I'm copin'.
If Zoe can do it,
you can do it.
(ZOE SCREAMS)
There's no
fuckin' service.
You knew about this,
didn't you?
You said no boys,
not no phones.
I did say no phones.
But you didn't
say it would be
physically impossible
to use it
behind your back.
What is the big deal,
you guys?
People went
thousands of years
without cell phones,
you can go two days.
Speak for yourself.
What if there's,
like, an emergency
or somethin'?
There's, like,
a land line.
A what?
You guys, you're not
gonna miss your phones.
I promise you.
Now can we
just get changed?
I don't wanna
get changed.
I wanna send a text!
ZOE: No, no,
Gosling, stay here.
Sunglasses, check.
Towels, check.
Sunscreen, check.
Whoo! All right,
let's get naked.
What are you doing?
Someone could see you.
Who? Mrs. Gregorson?
I see, like,
two houses here.
If I'm getting anything
out of being stuck
in the middle of nowhere,
it's a tan without lines.
Come on in, bitches.
Well, I guess
we can be grateful
she left the bottoms on.
I bet Mrs. Gregorson
swims topless.
It's so nice out.
Okay, do mine now.
Oh, I'm so comfortable.
Can't Mary do it?
You used me.
Stop.
I'll do it.
Mmm.
JENN: This is nice.
What is that?
Looks like a beaver dam.
I want to see a beaver.
They're so adorable.
Yeah, well don't get
your hopes up.
I'm pretty sure
they're nocturnal.
Where'd you learn that?
Wikipedia?
I learned it from
livin' in Indiana,
which means that you
should know it too.
Well, all I know
is they're fat rats
with big,
stupid-ass teeth.
Nice.
MARY: Where are you goin'?
Come on,
let's go take a look.
Whoo!
Make it rain, bitches!
(YELPS)
Whoo!
Here, beaver,
beaver, beaver.
ZOE: Gross.
Try banging on it,
that should wake 'em up.
At least cover up,
at least while
we're walkin' around.
My top is
on the other side.
You wanna
lend me yours?
Cut it out.
(GIGGLES)
Ew. Is that like,
green beaver urine?
Guess.
Kinda looks like it.
Maybe that's like
how they mark
their territory or somethin'.
By pissin'
all over their house?
MARY: They don't live
in the dam, you idiot.
They live in the lodge.
Over there.
Here, beaver,
beaver, beaver.
Yeah, nice try.
That one's covered
in piss too.
Fine. You win.
Beavers piss
all over everything.
Are you happy?
I don't see any beavers.
Oh, my God!
What?
(SNIFFING)
(GASPS)
(GROWLS)
I'm scared.
It's gonna be okay.
(BEAR GROWLING)
We're just gonna
back up real slowly.
(GUNSHOT)
(SCREAMS)
(BEAR SNARLING)
Thank you so much.
Well, look at you
three little heifers.
I think you just
might have
saved our lives.
That's doubtful.
Bears don't usually
attack more than one
or two folks at a time.
You'd be three.
Of course, if you'd
have taken a step
in his direction
he might have
hightailed it.
Well, better safe
than sorry then.
Yeah.
You girls from out of town?
My name is Mary.
Mary Daughtry.
Uh, we're stayin'
over there
at my cousin's place.
McKellers?
Yeah. You know 'em?
No.
My name's Smyth,
with a Y.
Just in case
you girls need to
write me a check one day.
(SMYTH CHUCKLES)
What brings you
across the lake?
We were looking
for beavers.
Well, hell,
ain't we all?
Well, if you see one,
you ought to
stay away from it.
They will
mess with you.
You look real close,
they'll come out,
Peak out just a little
bitty knob out there,
little pink knob, like
a little ol' puppy's dick.
Well, I guess we'll be
more careful then.
You know...
You might want to
cover up.
We got decent folk
out in this neighborhood.
Families.
You know, kids.
Yeah, we know.
It's just that
she lost her bikini
top in the lake.
Talking about
all three of you.
Your little
bare stomachs,
weird-ass
little tattoos.
Okay, he's a creeper.
Yeah. There's probably
some helpless
furry little animal
just waiting to get shot.
Ugh.
Well, I've had enough
excitement for one day.
At least you got to
see a man, right?
I don't like them there
tattoos and shit.
MARY: Shut up,
he could hear you.
ZOE: (GIGGLES)
I don't care.
(GROWLING)
All right,
I got popcorn.
Sing a song...
Is it popcorn
or is it popped-corn?
I don't know.
Jenn, go long!
Zoe, you're wasting it all.
JENN: Okay, whose turn is it?
ZOE: All right, Jenn.
Would you rather? Go.
Okay. Would you rather
never be able to
use a tampon
or never be able to
use lipstick?
That is so lame, Jenn.
I've got one.
Are you ready?
Would you rather
watch your mom
get murdered
by your daddy
or get raped
by your daddy
while your mom
had to watch?
Zoe, that's awful.
Would you rather?
Answer it.
I guess
get raped by my dad.
Ew!
Gross!
What? Would you rather
have your mom die?
I wouldn't do either.
That's so fucking
disgusting.
You're sick.
What's the point
of this game anyways?
I don't blame you,
your dad's real hot.
He is.
(RUSTLING)
(PANTING)
All right. Home run me.
Home run me.
Ready?
Hang on, hang on,
hang on.
(LAUGHS)
(SINGING)
Da, da, da, da, dah!
You missed.
I did it
by the air, bitch.
I'll do it myself.
Ah!
Whoo!
(LAUGHS)
I got it.
Truth or dare.
Y'all can make out
like you did last time.
No, that's no fun unless
there's guys around
to make jealous.
That's bullshit.
You liked it
and you know it.
Come here,
come give me a kiss.
Stop. I didn't even
say dare.
(POUNDING)
What was that?
(LAUGHS)
It's your daddy, Jenn.
Yeah, he's come
to collect.
Oh, real funny.
(POUNDING)
No, seriously,
what the fuck is that?
Well,
I'm just gonna have to
go and find out.
JENN: Don't open the door.
Hello?
Anybody?
Hey, serial killers,
we've got three
hot babes in here
who haven't had sex
in a really long time.
MARY: It could be
dangerous out there.
Ooh!
MARY: Zoe, I'm serious.
You know what, Mary?
You're a real buzzkill.
JENN: Don't go out there!
Why are there
no streetlights?
Because there are
no streets.
I hate the country.
(SOFTLY)
Zoe.
(POUNDING NOISE)
(GASPS)
What the hell is that?
Should we
call the police
or something?
(DOOR SLAMS)
Oh, my God,
oh, my God.
It's okay, it's okay.
It was just the wind.
It's locked.
Mary...
It's okay. Just...
(GROWLS)
(SCREAMING)
(PARTS)
Ha, ha!
Tommy! You asshole!
Oh, come on.
It's nice
to see you too.
But that wasn't funny.
How did you
even get up here?
I'm sorry, babe.
Buck talked me into it.
Yeah, I had to
drag his ass
all the way up here
and the whole time
he's like,
"Wait, no, wait,
Mary said that we're not
supposed to come.
"Mary said that
it's just girl's night.
"Mary wants to just
be with her vagina
all weekend."
Shut up, Buck.
Oh, my God,
you guys should have
seen y'all's faces.
It was classic.
You were in on this?
Not if it'll make you
any madder.
(POUNDING)
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
Would any of you ladies
care to come inside
and join me,
'cause there's
no beer out here.
This is my
cousin's house,
you idiot.
How did you
even get in there?
Magic. No,
bedroom window was open.
Hi, Jenn.
What part of "stay away"
do you guys not understand?
The "stay away" part.
I just don't get it.
You're not
invited up here.
Despite whatever
this one may have
told you.
Hey, come on, come on.
We parked the car
down the road
so you wouldn't hear us.
Besides,
we missed you guys.
Mary, I haven't had sex
in 36 hours.
You know,
when your foot's asleep?
My dick's asleep.
I've got to wake it up.
ZOE: I have to
wake that dick up.
Wake that dick up.
Baby.
I will.
I can't even
feel it.
Mary, please.
Mary, please,
my dick's asleep.
Wasn't this weekend
for everybody?
Yeah, it was until
you fucked it all up.
No, I'm sorry.
You guys have to leave.
But, Mary,
they just drove
all the way out here.
This is my house
and I make the rules.
It's fine, Mary.
They can stay.
Jenn! Thank you, Jenn!
Give it up for
Jenn everybody.
(CLAPS)
Right?
Jenn, do not let them
bully you into this.
No, really, maybe
it will force me to,
you know,
face it head on
instead of running away.
You sure?
Oh my, goddammit,
she's sure. Come on.
Come on, we're all
adults here.
This doesn't have
to be awkward.
Gentlemen,
I'll see you
in the bone zone.
Let's get drunk.
(MARY YELLS)
Whoo!
BUCK: Ow!
Right.
Well, at least
this can't get
any more awkward.
(LOVEMAKING SOUNDS)
(MOANING)
Oh, I feel like
a power ranger!
Oh! Oh, shit,
you are sweet!
You are way too
hot for me!
Oh, baby!
You know it!
This was helpful.
Thanks for stopping by.
Baby.
Don't call me that.
You've lost
your baby privileges.
But it's not as bad
as you think.
You've no idea
what I think.
Can we at least
talk about it?
Fine. Want to
talk about it?
Who is she?
Do I know this
little whore?
What is that?
Seaweed?
It's you,
you asshole.
A friend of a friend
tagged you on Facebook
from Michelle's
party last weekend.
Who is she?
I know it looks bad.
I do.
I know.
But I was really drunk.
You know what,
if you're not gonna
answer my questions
then we have
nothing else
to talk about.
Just, come on...
Don't touch me.
You feel better?
Getting there.
(SIGHS)
Let me go.
I'll scream.
Join the club.
I missed you so much.
(THUD)
Oh.
Missed you too.
(GROANS)
Ah.
That was worth
the drive up. For sure.
Again.
I'm only one man.
(GIGGLES)
It takes an hour
to recharge.
Do you not
read magazines?
(GROANS)
Oh. Oh.
Can you hand me
my glasses?
Yeah.
You Okay?
Yeah, why?
I don't know.
You just seem
a little out of it.
Did you finish?
I guess I'm just
worried about Jenn,
that's all.
So, that's a no.
(SIGHS)
(THUMP)
Someone in there?
(THUMPING)
Buck, I swear to God,
I'm gonna stick that
bat up your...
(GROWLING)
(SHRIEKING)
(CRYING) Oh, my God,
you have to see them!
You guys...
What?
In the bathroom!
Calm down.
What's wrong?
There's something in there.
Tell me what's wrong!
There's something,
I don't know, like...
Who the fuck
is crying
on vacation day?
What's goin' on?
What did you do
to her?
SAM: No, I didn't do anything.
(GASPING)
Listen,
there's a beaver
in the bathroom.
That's really great news,
haven't you been looking for
beavers since we got here?
No, no, there was
something wrong with it.
It was fucking
rabid or something.
Well, you know
what we should do?
We should capture it
and we'll raise it
as our own.
Jenn, you are
a really ugly crier.
Go look
in the fucking bathroom!
Jenn, I tell you what.
This is getting
real ridiculous.
Let's go
to the fucking bathroom.
Okay, big daddy
Buck's got it.
Here, Jenn,
here, Jenn.
Oh, there is no way
I'm drunk enough for this.
You're drunk as
any one of
the rest of us,
so fucking man up.
Yeah, just man up.
Just be careful.
Pussy. Bein' a pussy.
Jesus. Dude, really?
Fuckin' pussy.
Shut up.
Bein' a bitch.
Bein' a little
bitch about it.
(RUNNING WATER)
Jenn, there's
nothing in here.
I swear.
It was right there.
Oh, my God, Jenn.
Is that one of
those bathrooms?
Oh, look at me,
I'm in a scary,
scary bathroom, Jenn.
Jenn, be honest.
Did you shit in here?
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God!
(GROWLING CONTINUES)
(SCREAMING)
Kill it!
(BEAVER SNARLING)
How the hell
is that thing
still movin'?
(SCREAMING)
That's gnarly.
Someone want to
get a garbage bag?
That was rabies?
Yeah, probably.
Then again
I've never seen
a real beaver before
up close so...
Yeah, me neither.
Well, maybe
you should try
going down on me
once in a while, Buck.
That was not
a normal beaver.
I can tell you that much.
Yeah. Normal beavers
have pupils in their
goddam eyes,
don't they'?
Fucking chicks,
come on.
The beaver obviously
had something.
Wait, I mean,
did it bite anyone?
Jenn, are you...
No.
Good. 'Cause I've heard
that rabies shots
hurt like a bitch.
Yeah, not to mention
the nearest hospital
is 30 miles away.
Maybe we should
just go home.
What?
Yeah, no. Jenn,
we drove four hours
to get here.
My foot's still asleep
from the ride up.
I don't care about
your foot, Buck.
You know,
we're all just upset
and drunk and...
And horny.
And 6'3",
but that's just me.
Buck, shut the fuck up.
Okay, you're right.
MARY: I think that
we should just
sleep on it.
Okay, well,
I'm sleeping with you then.
Yeah, sure, Jenn.
Whatever you want.
Guys, we could
die tomorrow, okay.
This could be
our last night.
This may sound crazy
but we need to
have an orgy,
I'm not fucking around.
A safety orgy,
you know, stay together,
like in the old west
with the caravans.
(BEAVER SNARLING)
(WHISTLING)
(GROWLING)
(STARTS WHISTLING AGAIN)
BUCK: Okay, here we go.
Don't let the dog look.
ZOE: Relax.
I'm not going to...
Oh, my God, Mary.
Look.
Yuck.
Some wild animal
came and took it.
See the footprints.
(GROWLS)
Come on.
I don't like this.
What?
Ah, Jenn, come on,
we're all the way out
in the middle of the woods.
We tossed something
on the porch
and something's glad
that we did it.
What are you thinkin'?
All I know is
that thing is dead,
guys, come on.
Can we please go
swimming now?
Yeah, I second that.
Let's go.
You still want to
go in the water
after what happened
last night?
Last night was
in there, okay?
The water's way safer
than in the cabin.
Yeah, come on.
It's a beautiful day
and the lake's
right over here.
We haven't seen
you ladies in
your bikinis yet.
Come on.
You know, we were
doing just fine
before you guys
showed up.
Jenn, that's not fair.
Yeah. Tommy did kill
that beaver for us.
BUCK: Yeah. Sorry Sam
didn't kill anything
because that would be
the only beaver
he's getting this weekend.
Will you please stop
with the beaver jokes?
BUCK: Why did the beaver
cross the road?
TOMMY: Whoo! Attagirl!
Come in, Misery!
Get your ass in the water
and join the rest
of the human beings!
Has it ever occurred
to any of you
that there might be
more beavers?
(MOCKING JENN)
Has it ever
occurred to...
(BOTH MOCKING)
Beavers... Beavers...
So, you seen
the mysterious photo?
Of course I've seen it.
I've seen it
over 300 times
since Wednesday.
She has me analyzin'
every line and ever pixel,
trying to figure out
who it is you're on top of.
Well, I guess it's safe
to say that she, uh,
she doesn't know
that it was you.
SAM: Are you gonna
tell her?
I don't know.
Well, you know,
if you just tell her
it was nothing,
she's gonna believe you.
Maybe.
But she'll hate me.
Tell that to my finger.
Are you crazy?
Don't be stupid, Jenn.
Get your ass
in the water right now.
TOMMY: Yeah. Come on.
Yeah, peer pressure, Jenn.
Come on.
Fine.
You know with
all the shit
that's gone down,
we haven't talked.
Like you said,
it was nothin'.
Besides, I'm with Tommy.
And if you're really lucky,
you'll still be with Jenn.
You happy?
This is the happiest day
of my life, Jenn.
You're in the lake.
I don't know
how it happened,
but it did.
Oh, my God.
What?
Something just swam
past my foot.
(BEAVER SNARLING)
(SIGHS)
You are, like,
such a hypochondriac.
No, I swear to God,
you guys,
something just
fucking hit my foot.
(LAUGHING)
Oh!
Oh, look,
Buck feels it too.
(LAUGHING)
Wait.
(GASPS)
You swallow
some water?
My foot!
TOMMY: Holy shit!
(ZOE SCREAMS)
Oh, my God!
Get out of the water!
Oh, my God!
What the fuck?
Is that blood?
(SCREAMING)
Get to the raft!
Get to the fucking raft!
Hurry!
(YELLING)
(BEAVER GROWLING)
(GROANING)
TOMMY: Oh, fuck,
he got me too!
No.
Fuck!
That was another
fuckin' beaver!
More than one.
Beavers don't do this.
They don't just...
They don't just attack
people like this.
Oh, my God.
(BUCK GROANING)
We have to
tie this off right now.
What about this?
No, no, no, too small,
too small.
Wait.
The dog's vest.
Yeah, yeah,
perfect, perfect.
Hurry!
(SCREAMS)
(BUCK GROANING)
Look!
(BEAVER SNARLING)
Where's Jenn?
Jenn!
(PANTING)
Shit.
Hold on, hold on,
hold on!
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
They're coming.
(YELLING)
Shit.
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
Where did they go?
(THUMPS)
(GASPS)
Shit!
(SCREAMING)
(THUMPING)
TOMMY: They're underneath us!
(THUMPING CONTINUES)
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
(SCREAMS) No!
(PANTING)
(BEAVER GROWLS)
(SCREAMS)
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
Be careful!
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
Hold on people.
We cannot stay here.
Yeah, no shit!
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
Hold on, hold on.
(ZOE CRYING)
(SNARLING)
There's too many of them.
(SCREAMING)
(GROWLING)
Oh, my God!
We have to swim for it.
SAM: We need a diversion.
(SCREAMING)
What the fuck!
All right.
You know what?
Sorry buddy.
Surf's up!
(ZOE SCREAMING)
Gosling!
Gosling!
No!
No! (CRYING)
We have to go,
go now!
Go, go.
(CRYING)
TOMMY: Shit! Swim!
Go, go! Swim!
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROWLING)
Oh my God! Ahhh!
(SNARLING)
(SNARLING CONTINUES)
This doesn't make any
goddamn sense.
This is the same one
from the bathroom.
Is he like on steroids
or something?
Mary, does it look like
a baseball player?
I don't know, Zoe.
I mean, how could it
still be alive?
It isn't.
What?
It isn't alive.
Are you saying what
I think you're saying?
All right, enough talk.
What are you doing?
This.
Oh, Jesus.
Any questions?
(SIGHS) There's still
no dial tone.
What?
Did the beavers do it?
For all we know,
the dial tone
wasn't even on
to begin with.
You Okay?
Now, look, lam sorry,
about the dog.
About the dog?
It's my dog.
You killed my dog.
It's between us
and a... and a dog,
I'm going to pick us
every time.
If that makes me
an asshole,
then so be it, man.
It does.
Asshole!
Oh, give me a break.
It's a dog.
Fuck you! I hate you.
I hate...
Get off of me, Mary!
Stop.
You stop!
You would take his side.
I'm not taking
anyone's side.
Oh, yeah?
Tell that to Jenn.
Mary, what is she
talking about?
That's right, Jenn.
The girl in
the stupid picture
with Sam,
it's fucking Mary.
Thanks, Zoe.
She has a right to know.
Everybody else does
for fuck's sake!
I didn't know.
Tommy.
Jenn,
I was going to tell you.
It doesn't matter.
We have bigger
problems now.
(THUMPING ON DOOR)
(BEAVER SNARLING)
It's them, isn't it?
TOMMY: Oh, you think?
They're everywhere.
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
Make it stop.
It has to be some
sort of intimidation tactic
or something.
Well, it's working.
Oh, my God!
(SMACKING)
MARY: Oh my God!
Son of a bitch!
(HISSING)
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
Is this what you want?
You fucks!
(BEAVERS SNARLING)
They're just out there
waiting for us.
We've got to get Buck
to a hospital.
What about
the neighbor's place?
Yeah, we could use
their phone.
Oh, fuck that.
I'll go for the car.
Fuck that too.
You stay here
with the girls then.
I'll get Buck
to a hospital
and send back help.
Give me Buck's foot.
(GROANS)
I'm going with you.
No, Zoe, you can't.
I have to.
Ew.
They could be out there.
They are out there,
but like you said,
we don't have a choice.
Buck is clearly not going to
make it through the night.
There's got to be
some other way.
Look. Beavers are
great swimmers
but they're not that fast
on land, okay?
JENN: Those things out there
(SCOFFS)
they're not beavers.
I'm going to need
your car
'cause ours is
down the road a ways.
Give me the keys.
Tommy, you don't
have to do this.
Mary.
It's okay.
Give me the keys.
Tommy?
Come on.
Come on baby.
Get the door.
I don't see
anything. You?
My eyes are closed.
All right, let's go.
Come on.
Wait.
(BUCK GRUNTING)
Hurry, hurry!
Get the door.
Hurry, you better get in!
Better hurry.
They're in.
Come on, come on.
It's a fucking hybrid.
You have to finesse it.
(CAR BEEPING)
They made it.
Maybe we should've
just gone with them.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe we should
just leave.
Oh, no.
Will somebody help me?
God, you really are a pussy.
Move!
We've got to board up all
of these windows.
I'll do the heavy lifting.
You girls are
safe with me.
Did you hear something?
Did I hear what?
Banging? Hollering?
Oh, it's just those kids
scissoring each other
to Lady Gaga.
Well, I know it's those kids.
Well, what do you want
me to do about it?
Call the police?
Well, I heard
tires screeching.
You think we ought
to go over there and
check up on them?
You never did know when to
mind your own business.
And you never did know
when to get up off your ass.
You really want me
to go over there
and check on a bunch
of college girls?
Because you know
I might just have to
stay for their party.
(LAUGHS)
Eww. Pig.
(GROWLING SOFTLY)
Buck?
How you doing there, man?
You hanging with us?
Oh, God.
It's okay, buddy.
Hey, hey, hey!
Stay with us,
stay with us, Buck.
Everything's gonna
be good, alright?
Oh!
Shit.
What the fuck?
Fuck!
Oh, no! Oh, fuck!
They did this!
Fuck!
Suck a bag of dicks!
Shit. Fuck!
There's no way around this.
Look!
Oh, shit. Shit, wait here,
I'm gonna go check it out.
Be careful!
Hello?
There's no one here.
What are you doing?
There's guns and one ax.
Are you gonna steal them?
Yeah, whatever,
we'll borrow 'em.
I promise,
I'll bring 'em right back.
Here.
What the hell am
I supposed to do with this?
Just take it. Please.
Should we go
back to the cabin?
No, just you guys.
What? Wait!
Go get some more guns,
load up the trunk
and get everybody
back to the cabin.
Please, get in the car
and turn it around.
Wait.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna go ahead on foot
and get some help.
You're insane, Tommy.
Zoe, please just get in
the car and hurry.
Zoe?
I'm sorry I never
ate your pussy.
I'm gonna go back and
eat all of it one day.
It's okay, baby.
We're gonna get
out of here, okay?
It just smells so
bad down there.
(TOMMY SCREAMING)
Tommy? Tommy!
(CRYING) No!
(SNARLING)
No!
(SNARLING)
(GUNSHOT)
You!
Looks like you're
hemmed in a little bit.
Let's take my truck.
We have to save
my boyfriend.
Well, come on.
Let's get him and
get out of here.
Come on, sweetie!
Here, get in.
(SCREAMS)
Damn beavers.
Ah!
SMYTH: I thought
I told you to cover up?
(SNARLING BEHIND DOOR)
They sound like babies.
Yeah, crazy fucking babies.
Nails, nails, nails,
nails, nails.
Towards me.
No, duh.
Come out to the lake,
have a few laughs.
Dammit.
(SNARLING)
No!
What? What happened?
You do realize that the
whole point of a beaver
is that it fucking
chomps wood.
Oh, well, if you want me
to cover the whole house
with sheet metal,
just say the word.
MAN ON RADIO: This just in.
If you are receiving
this broadcast,
barricade your doors
and windows and
do not leave your home.
Unless you want the
deal of the century!
Come on down
to Ashland Toyota!
Damn radio.
Back in the '70s,
the beaver fever hit.
Scared up the
whole damn county.
Beaver fever?
Caused by the
Giardia parasite.
Beavers carry it.
Affects people too.
Affects them how?
Oh, diarrhea mostly.
What does it have to do
with what's going on here?
Any of you guys
got diarrhea?
No.
Well, now
that's good.
Doesn't matter anyway.
Whatever these
beavers got out here,
I ain't seen nothing
like it before.
Yeah, no kidding, mister.
Caught one in a trap,
early this morning,
only it weren't dead.
And trust me,
it shoulda been
real dead.
(SNARLING)
They're leaving.
(SNARLING SOFTLY)
Why?
How the hell should I know?
MARY: Wait, listen.
It's a truck.
It's Zoe!
What?
And Buck!
How did they get
back so fast?
Maybe they brought help?
Or something went wrong.
There's someone else.
Wait, is it that hunter guy?
What hunter guy?
Do you see Tommy?
ZOE: Grab the cane.
Wait for me,
wait for me!
Shit, we need to get
the boards off the door.
Are you sure
that's a good idea?
Are you kidding?
Get over here
and help us.
I don't know
if you know
but those things can
come back in here
and then we're all dead.
Fuck me.
ZOE: Baby, come on.
Get there.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Open up!
The door's all boarded up.
Why?
You know why
the fuck why!
Well, hurry up.
BUCK: You guys.
Hey, you guys.
Hey you guys,
you'd better turn around!
Filthy, hairy beavers.
(GUNSHOT)
Baby, come on.
Get up, get up, get up!
Run. Run!
Hurry! Come on, baby.
Sons of bitches.
(GUNSHOT)
It's okay, baby.
Come on.
(SNARLS)
Just a little
bit further.
Come on.
(GASPS)
They're not gonna make it.
There's too many of 'em.
(GUNSHOT)
Come on baby,
up, up, up!
You got it!
They made it.
Come on, baby.
Tommy's okay, right?
Yeah. I'm sure he's
still out getting help.
Right.
Cause there's no reason
to think otherwise.
ZOE: Hello?
Maybe they're not home.
SMYTH: Yeah, that'd be
wishful thinking.
(GASPS)
They couldn't be biting
through the phone lines
on purpose, could they?
Can't say for certain.
Beavers like to chew on shit,
especially twigs, branches,
blades of grass and such.
I suppose wires
fit the bill as well.
The phone in the cabin.
It didn't work either.
Stay here.
I'll check upstairs.
When was the last time
you picked up
an actual book?
In class.
You should really
try it some time.
"Beavers are herbivores."
Great book.
Why don't you try
looking up
zombie beavers?
"They live in family groups or
colonies and will defend their
lodge against other beavers."
Oh, oh, you think the beavers
think that they're,
that we're other beavers?
The fuck?
"Keen senses of hearing,
smell and touch.
"They live up to 24 years."
Just like us.
I mean, if we don't
make it out of here.
"They're monogamous."
Not like us.
(SIGHS)
Jenn,
it was just,
it was just one
of those things.
So you're saying
it was a mistake?
Don't answer.
You just did.
Look.
Once the three of us are
far away from this cabin,
we can sit down like adults
and we can try to
figure out why you
both find me attractive.
Jenn, you have
every reason
to hate me.
Why him?
I don't know.
Listen,
we cannot turn against
each other right now.
That is exactly what
the beavers would want.
Let me see this.
"Animal behaviorists have
found beavers to be
gentle, reasoning creatures
"that like to play
practical jokes.
"They are considered
to be excellent
at building tunnels."
I seriously need
to lie down.
Okay.
All clear upstairs.
Appears the beavers have
left the premises
for the time being.
What about
the old lady?
Well, she's still in bed
what's left of her, anyway.
What you got there?
Sandwich?
No, it's Buck's foot.
We're keeping it on ice
so we could reattach it.
That's what we're
supposed to do, right?
Keep it on ice?
Well, not directly on ice.
It kills the tissue.
Well, shit!
Well, what shall I do?
Shall I wrap it in a
towel or something?
Well, I suppose that depends
on when it came off.
I... I don't know.
This afternoon,
maybe four or five hours ago.
Technically, I guess there's a
chance that they can sew that
sucker back on.
We'd have to be
at the hospital
within the hour
but that ain't
gonna happen.
Might as well just
chuck the damn thing
and call it a day.
I'm sorry.
Do you want
some chicken?
There's plenty of it in
the fridge over there.
I don't want any chicken.
We need to go to
the hospital now.
Well, you know
as well as I do
that road's blocked.
We sure as hell can't
get through on foot
in pitch dark.
With or without
carrying the big fella.
Plus, beavers are
generally more
active at night.
So I suggest maybe
we hole up here
till the morning,
then one or two of us
can make a go at it.
He could bleed
to death overnight.
Yeah, well.
I could always
cauterize the stump.
You sure you don't
want some chicken?
I'm not hungry.
Jenn?
You never cared that
Sam cheated, did you?
You only cared
that it was me.
Jenn, I know that
we've been through
a lot but this
isn't going to
solve anything.
I love you, really, but
I... I just don't
think of you this way.
(RUSTLING)
(SCREAMS)
(MARY SCREAMS)
(SNARLING)
(GROWLING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(SMACKING SOUND)
Come on. Come on,
let's go.
(FIRE CRACKLING)
(COUGHS)
You've done this
before, right?
No, ma'am.
But I've seen it on
television many a time.
Ugh.
It's okay.
(WHIMPERS)
(GROWLING)
All right.
What the fuck
was that?
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
Buck!
(GRUNTING)
Son of a bitch!
Buck! No!
(SNARLING)
(BULLET RICOCHETING)
(COOKING)
(GUNSHOT)
(CRYING)
Fuck.
(SNARLING)
No!
Oh no! Fuck!
(GASPS)
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(THUMPING)
What is she
doing in there?
I don't know.
(SNARLING)
It's got to be some
kind of virus
transmitted by the beavers.
Oh, no shit!
Did you hear her?
Did you fucking
see her face?
Do you think that
we can help her?
I mean, do you think
it's permanent?
I don't know.
She's gonna be on medication
for the rest of her life.
Hey, what are you doing?
Are you bit?
Are you scratched?
I'm fine.
Take off your shirt.
Why?
Just take your
fucking shirt off.
Calm down.
(SNARLING)
(GASPING)
(SCREAMS)
(SNARLS)
(SOBBING)
(WHIMPERING)
You fucking bitch!
(GUN CLICKING)
(SNARLING)
(SNARLING)
(YELLS)
Fuck!
(SNARLING)
(FLOORBOARD CRACKING)
SAM; All right.
Come on, come on, come on!
They're fucking everywhere!
Oh, the truck!
The truck.
It was still running,
last time I checked.
I'm not gonna
make a run for it.
Mary.
Take off your shirt.
Why?
Take off your
fucking shirt!
Satisfied?
Now take off the rest.
Zombie beavers running
around but what the fuck
do we care?
Turn around.
You done?
I guess so.
Your turn.
What's this?
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Mary, I promise I'm gonna
get us out of here.
Don't talk.
(ELECTRICAL BUZZ)
(SNARLING)
I want to take
my glasses off.
No, no. It's hot, it's hot.
Do you smell something?
What?
Smoke, smoke, I smell smoke.
Okay. I'll take
care of it.
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING)
Oh God!
Oh. Fuck me.
(SNARLING)
ZOE: Get in!
ZOE: Where's Jenn?
MARY: They're all dead.
Just go!
We're getting
the fuck out of here.
Oh, shit, Zoe!
Get down!
Zoe, look out!
Are you okay?
Yeah.
(SNARLING)
Oh, I think we woke
the neighbors.
(SNARLING)
GO! Go!
I'm trying.
Go! Go! Go!
MARY: Fucking go!
(GROWLING)
I mean, really?
(ROARS)
Is this truck fucking
covered in honey?
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(SNARLS)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
I never liked
that bitch anyway.
Why are we stopping?
It's okay, Mary.
The trees are down ahead
and we've got to
continue on foot.
Come on.
What?
It's nothing.
Just keep going.
We're gonna have to
go behind the car.
We have to go
around it.
Come on.
You're okay now, Mary.
We're gonna make it.
It's gonna be okay.
We just need to
go a little further.
Mary, what are you doing?
(GUN COOKING)
Where did you get that?
The glove compartment.
You got bit and we both know
that you're gonna turn
into one of those things.
No, we don't know that.
Yes, we do!
Mary, I feel totally fine,
I swear.
What, is it this?
I jumped through
a fucking window!
I ran through the woods.
They crushed my foot,
I did not get bit!
You shut up!
Do not come any closer!
I mean it.
You at least have to
wait until I turn,
or else you'll
be a murderer.
(GURGLING)
Mary! Mary, no!
(GRUNTING)
(THUDDING)
(SOBBING)
(SNARLING)
(YELLING)
(MARY SNARLING)
(SQUISHING)
Hey, you see that girl?
Yeah, I see her.
I trust you.
(THUDDING)
CREW MEMBER 11 B-mark.
CREW MEMBER 23 Okay.
Beaver fever?
Yeah.
Caused by the
Giardia parasite.
Beavers carry it.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Caused by the...
(LAUGHS)
Fuck.
Cause by the
Giardia parasite.
It's very fucking
serious shit.
(ALL LAUGH)
Let's roll it again.
Sorry, Jordan.
We're over there and
it's Saving Private,
Private's Ryan.
Jenn we're up
there sucking...
And fucking.
And fucking,
fucking, okay?
And...
(ALL LAUGHING)
CREW MEMBER: We almost had it.
We're in there sucking
and yes...
And fucking.
Trucking. Keep going.
I got nothing.
We're gonna go to Arby's
and get some
apple turnovers.
MAN: Copy that. Over.
I got a hand job at
an Arby's one time.
Oh, yeah?
Or did I give one?
(LAUGHS)
(CREW MEMBERS LAUGHING)
(SNARLS)
CREW MEMBER:
Oh, no, the hand.
(ALL LAUGHING)
DIRECTOR: Action.
(LAUGHS)
That's gnarly.
Gnar-ley.
Gnarl-ley.
Gnarly.
Nar-gully!
CREW MEMBER: Nar-gully?
CREW MEMBER: The dog's
supposed to be scared of them.
I had a job for a minute as
one of those sign spinners.
Like, like one of
those sandwich places?
Yeah. But I had plugged it in,
I put some Christmas
lights in it,
tried to get paid extra,
strangled my penis.
Strangled your penis?
How does that happen?
You can strangle
your penis.
Were you doing that
flip behind your back
and it came up
around your taint?
My penis was in a,
was in a rear,
naked choke.
Well, what kind of workman's
comp do you get for that?
You just get fired.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Can someone pull
my glasses down?
CREW MEMBER: Yep.
Well, not you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Okay.
Do you like the moan?
Or do you like the...
(SQUEALING)
DIRECTOR: Both.
I'll do the moan,
you do the (SQUEAKS)
My mom never loved me,
my mom never loved me.
Why are you with me?
Why are you with me?
What do you see in me?
I don't know.
(ALL LAUGHING)
CREW MEMBER: That's great.
DIRECTOR: Ready, action.
Well, that is fucked up.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
You hear your
sweetheart scream
She tells you why
You don't believe her
She saw one in
the bathroom,
it's no lie
It's a Zombeaver
Contaminated by toxic goo
A random genetic mistake
They're semi-aquatic
They're hungry for you
Boys and girls stay
away from the lake
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
A cheerful gang
of college students
Think they're on vacation
Instead they're dodging
beaver chompers and
facing their damnation
Don't board up the doorways
and windows, my friend
It won't do any good
These furry, brown bastards
are fully equipped
And they'll chew right
through the wood
Say goodbye to
your golden retriever
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
So brace yourself,
you've never witnessed
rodents quite like these
Oh, Jesus Christ,
you can't escape
They blocked
the road with trees
Check your bodies
for scratches,
you can't be too careful
Their claws are a
cause for concern
Yes, once you're infected,
it's only a matter of time
before you turn into
Zombeavers
Spoiler alert.
Zombeavers
Look out they're coming
through the walls
Your girlfriend's
chewing off your balls
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
Zombeavers
Zombeavers, baby
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(BUZZING)
(BUZZING)
(SNARLING)