It's Kevin (2013) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 Oh, welcome to my show Yes it is me, I'm back again I thought I'd start this evening by releasing this poor hen I found it in a battery farm as sad as sad can be So fly into the sky my friend for now I've set you free Likewise I am hoping to unleash some smiles and laughs Be you Scousers, Geordies, Mancs Cockneys, Jocks or Taffs.
Oh, oh It's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show And that's the title Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin Kevin Eldon Show Argh! .
.
Welcome to my show now where the sun is always out And yea are ever guaranteed a foaming pint of stout Burp! Pardon me.
.
.
Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show It's called It's Kevin Oh! It's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin Eldon Show! Morning, Jo! Oh You look a bit rough.
How was Peter's party? I actually left at about 11.
Everyone else went on to a club.
Sounds like it was quite a night.
Morning, Tim! You look a bit rough.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Did you go to the club? Yeah, but I left about one.
I don't feel too good.
Morning, Simon! You look a bit rough.
Christ! I am never drinking again! I left Pete about six.
I don't know how he does it.
I really don't.
Morning, Pete.
You look I know.
I 'That's one small step for man, 'one Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood.
' First man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, there.
But did he say, "That's one small step for a man, "one giant leap for mankind"? Or as some claim, "That's one small step for a man, "one Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood"? Let's ask second man on the moon, Buzz Aldren.
Can I just right away say that Neil clearly says, "One giant leap for mankind.
" OK, Buzz.
Let's listen again.
'.
.
One Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood.
' Yeah, I see what you mean, Buzz, but you've got to admit, it does sound a little bit like, "One Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood.
" Doesn't sound anything like, "One Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood.
" Play it again - in sections.
'.
.
One Swiss dinosaur' "One giant leap" '.
.
in Polly Gosling's' ".
.
for" '.
.
anorak hood.
' ".
.
mankind.
" It is, isn't it? Course it is.
Course it is.
Obviously.
"One Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood"! Stupid! Doesn't even make any sense.
Well, that's cleared that up, Buzz, thanks very much.
Candid stoke in a kimono swab.
Thanks, Alison.
'Come in.
' Morning, Doc Morning, have a seat.
How can I help? Ah, well I see.
And when did you first notice the symptoms? Oh, about Right, and have they recently become more pronounced? Well OK, well, I'm pretty sure I know what the problem is.
You're pre-emptive.
What's pre It's quite a rare condition where you become totally predictable.
Oh Is there a I'm afraid not.
Are you absolutely Quite sure.
But what It's hereditary.
Are you Oh, no, it's not infectious.
And what Well, a fruit diet has been found to alleviate the condition slightly.
But where All I can suggest is a programme of counselling.
You'll find a leaflet at reception.
You're welcome.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, goodbye.
Show the next patient in please.
Yes.
Morning, doctor.
Hello, take a seat.
How can I help? What have you got there, then? Hm? Oh, it's, um, Beefeater magazine.
Latest edition.
Oh, you like Beef eaters, do ya? Beef eaters? Oh, yes, yes, I love them.
I reckon, if I had to choose out of all of the things in the world, including even air, water or food, I would choose Beef eaters.
Mad on them.
Well, what is it especially about Beef eaters, then? Beef eaters? They're brilliant.
Look at that one's ruff.
Right.
I'm quite the Beefeater enthusiast, actually.
I've got, uh, Beefeater T-shirts, Beefeater jigsaws, Beefeater tea towels, Beefeater slippers, Beefeater alarm clock Got a Beefeater watch.
Oh, I forgot it's in for repair, but I have got one.
I made this Beefeater costume myself.
I've read all the books there are about Beef eaters.
There are four.
I'm actually the editor of this Beefeater magazine.
I edit it, I write it, I deliver it, I read it, I re-read it, I re-re-read it, then I put it in the trunk with the others.
I make models of Beef eaters.
I make them out of the inside of toilet rolls.
Then I make them out of the outside of toilet rolls.
Then I make them out of chrome.
I made a Beefeater once out of beef, actually, but I didn't eat it.
I've written a song about a Beefeater.
It goes Have you seen the fine Beefeater eating up his pastry I hardly sleep, I spend so much of my time on my Beefeater-centred activities.
I would say that I'm probably, without fear of contradiction, the number-one Beefeater fan in the world.
Strike that, universe.
You going for a visit today, then? Hm? Tower of London? What? Where the Beef eaters live.
Where the Beef eaters live? You know I really like this studio.
It's got an atmosphere Well, it's hard to define.
Well, the atmosphere in this studio's not THAT hard to define.
In as much as, the atmosphere in this studio consists of oxygen, nitrogen, argon, carbon dioxide and small amounts of other gases.
'Come back, lass, come back!' They film One Man And His Dog in here, you know.
Hey, let's go straight over to the sports desk.
It's nice, isn't it? I gave it a little spray of Mr Sheen earlier.
Oh, and I put some WD40 on the drawer runners.
You know, so it's a really smooth action now.
Watch.
Open drawer Oh, close drawer.
Open drawer close drawer.
Open drawer close drawer.
Hey, Bob.
Oh, I like that.
It's a prop for this week's show.
It's really good.
Remind me, what bit of the show is it for, again? This bit.
Oh, yeah! Open drawer Good evening.
My name is Stanley Dewthorpe.
I am a fictional man from the north of England.
I'm chimney smoke, I'm moor mist.
Anyway, life in the north of England, eh? It's one thing after another, which is being preceded by something, which itself is begin preceded by something, which itself is being preceded by something, going all the way back to 1066.
If you're one of them creationists where that evil hussy Evy Adams picked the forbidden conker and shoved it up King Harold's nose.
Or even further back, if you're Stephen Dawkins - 13.
7 billion years with everything reduced to a singular point, smaller even than Jimmy Clithero.
Or even further back, if you're a proponent of the big bounce theory - ooh, big bounce, Aida Hopkins - which posits significant regression of eternally expanding and contracting universes You decide! But what really takes the black pudding home with a fancy bag made of recyclable material decorated with flowers owned by a flamboyant window dresser, who wears a purple cravat and owns a cat called Lady Gaga, it's got a face looks like it's been squashed in a vice.
Cos when I found a thrupenny pence piece in a empty crisp packet, I think it were Clock and Mill flavour at the corner of Hobblington Road and Edglington Avenue, you know, where Tommy Garter's Aunt Fifi got killed by that barrel of piccalilli.
When I got home I found that me wife had run off with the ghost of German Shakespeare, Wolfgang Gerder.
Is it Gerder or Gerter? Is it Gotter or Geeter? Close drawer.
And from our sports desk to our celebrity chef Charlie Sinclair.
Hello, Charlie.
Hi, Kevin.
Well, looks like you've been busy.
Making dinner.
Oh, great.
What's the recipe? Er Never mind.
Do you reckon it's about ready now? Yeah.
Let's have a look then, shall we? Ooh! So, what's this? It's caller razor clam, leek and brioche Bake.
Oh, right.
Well, if I try some Hmm, I can taste fresh thyme in there.
It's quite strong Oh, no, no, no.
I don't mean strong in a bad way.
Strong in a good way.
It's delicious.
Sorry, I'm going to have to take this.
No problem.
Hi, darling OK, from our celebrity chef, over to Hilary Swan, our economics editor, with the finance news.
I told you not to call me at work! What do you think of my new perfume? Mmm, it's nice.
What is it? It's Wrists by Parfum De Pom Pom.
It smells like wrists.
It does! Do you wanna try? Mmm, now my neck smells like wrists! It does! You neck smells just like wrists! 'Wrists by Parfum De Pom Pom.
'Now your whole body can smell like wrists.
' 'It's the silent killer.
'You can't hear it.
'You can't taste it.
'You can't smell it.
'Cauliflower kills.
'Fit a cauliflower alarm.
' Now, you see, this is the thing about Bob.
There's no job that he can't turn his hand to.
Is there, Bob? So, how are ya? Oh, very well, thanks, Kevin.
Well, I'm glad to hear it.
Well, I say very well, I've actually got a touch of Author Spasm.
Author Spasm? Author Spasm.
I first got it when I was working as a ghost writer for Premier League football players 'Premier League footballers are thoughtful blokes, 'with the minds of philosophers and the hearts of poets.
' and as the beleathered orb left my foot, spinning through the air like a meteor in the depths of the cosmos, I felt my entire life's dreams and hopes shared its happy trajectory.
Unobstructed, pure, true.
'Unfortunately, footballers' agents need them 'to maintain an image of pig ignorance 'so that they don't alienate their sponsors' target audiences.
'So Bosh.
Another one in the back of the net.
Result.
' Oh, that's actually very sad.
It is.
To think that the world will never see a book of John Terry sonnets.
Hi, my name is Paul Hamilton and I am a poet.
So shoot me.
This week's poem is called On Remonstrating With The Alcoholic With Regards To His Unsolicited Comments Pertaining To The Polish Barmaid.
No, Adrian I will not get a load of that Polish bit.
No, Adrian, I would not like to get my head between those two beauties and go, "Waba, waba, waba.
" No, Adrian, no.
Adrian, there are crisps in your beard and vomit on your shoes, and dandruff in your hair.
There are Pringles in your larder and urine in your milk bottles and a Vauxhall Astra engine in your bed.
Adrian, there is nothing in your diary and something in your attic, and I don't know what that is in your toilet.
And when you look at Anna Surilsky she has a name.
You see 3D, page three, swinging free, double D, fantasy through the lies of your lager-filled eyes.
Whereas I, I see a brave young woman in a cowardly old town who yearns for her mama's goulash.
'Quantum shift sequence initiated.
' This is it, Christopher.
Remember this.
Although we may be interfering with history on a grand scale, we are also taking an opportunity to undo a great evil.
'OK.
OK, how about this, Andrew?' Oh, Joseph Your multi-coloured coat has many different colours.
Yes! Jolly good, Tim.
You're a superb lyricist! Hey, fellas! I thought you might like to see a few new moves I've been working on for Jake the Peg.
Here we go, two, three, four I'm Jake the Peg Diddle-liddle-liddle-lum With me extra leg Diddle-liddle-liddle-lum What's up, fellas? Where's the funeral? Strewth! Aargh! Argh! Agh! Are you all right, Rolf? Yeah Actually, Timbo, that wasn't me extra leg you pulled off, just then.
Waaa-hooo! It's the white coat window on the world of worldwide wonders, with the warmly winsome, Wendy Wilson.
Wendy, welcome, and wank you.
Thank you.
So, what have you got? Well, Kevin, this week I'm asking, is seeing believing? Rhetorical question.
Ah.
You know what a rhetorical question is.
Do you? Oh, sorry, I thought that was a rhetorical question.
Yes, I do know what a rhetorical question is.
Who doesn't? Lots of people.
No, that was a rhetorical The relationship between the human brain and the eye is a very complex one.
Let's try an experiment.
I'm going to walk over here.
Now, when I say, I'd like you and audience at home to put one hand over one of their eyes.
OK? Now.
Wow! What do you see? You look like a yucca plant.
Now, when I say, you and the viewers take your hand off again.
Now.
And now you look like a lady again.
Beautiful lady Hand over eye.
Off.
On.
Off.
It's the visual version of the Doppler effect and it's called the Yuccler effect.
It's to do with the way the light falls on to the optic nerve.
It's astonishing.
Although, I have to say, there's nothing "Yucca-y" about you.
But our sight can also affect the way we perceive sound.
Watch this.
Listen to me say this sentence - hello, and how are you today? Now, watch what happens when I say exactly the same sentence wearing a baseball cap and holding a mobile phone.
Don't you tell me to keep my voice down, you tosser! In both cases, you're hearing exactly the same sentence, but the visual input is fooling your brain into thinking that they sound quite different.
Hello, and how are you today? Don't you tell me to keep my voice down, you tosser! Well, it's amazing! You're amazing at explaining things.
Well, it just goes to show that seeing isn't always believing.
Thank you, Wendy.
Beethoven, Mozart, Bach, Brahms, all died They're all heroes of ours, aren't they? Really? They're wonderful people.
Are they? Oh, yes, they really turn us on.
But they're dead.
Well, suppose they turn other people on? That's just their tough shit.
It's what? Nothing.
Rude word.
Next question.
No, no.
What was the rude word? Shit.
Was it really? Good heavens, you frightened me to death.
What about you girls behind? He's like your dad, isn't he, this geezer? Your granddad.
Are you Are you worried or just enjoying yourself? Enjoying myself.
Are you? Yeah.
Oh, that's what I thought you were doing.
Yeah, I always wanted to meet you.
Did you really? We'll meet after, shall we? You dirty sod.
You dirty old man! Well, keep going, chief, keep going.
Go on.
You've got another five seconds, say something outrageous.
You dirty You dirty bastard.
Go on, again.
You dirty fucker.
What a clever What a fuckin' rotter.
Well, that's it for tonight.
I'll be seeing you soon.
I hope I won't be seeing YOU again.
From me though, good night.
OK, let's have a round-up of this week's new releases with music critic and full English breakfast Chas Bough.
You all right, Chas? All right.
So, first up, the Nangawiches.
Now, they haven't had a single out for quite a while.
What do you think? OK.
Plan B and Robert Plant fighting over a beetle were having a noctule of the sound of the Nangawiches.
Right.
I don't really understand.
But no, it's all right.
Onto the next track which is called Mingle by the new South London outfit Mingle.
OK.
Try to imagine Nick Drake driving a bubble car with The Clash in the back arguing over the directions with young Tom Jones till they career right into a shed, in which the Arctic Monkeys are beating up a nun.
Have you listened to these records, Chas? OK.
Try to imagine Dusty Springfield borrowing some teabags from her new neighbours, Daft Punk have got Beck round to mend their combi-boiler and she was drunk on teenage fan clubs' home brew.
Yeah, none of this means anything.
OK, try to imagine the Shangri-La's, Jarvis Cooker Right, where's the dog? Ah, there's one.
Here, boy! Here, boy! Good boy.
Hello? This is Mr Alexander Graham Bell, making the first ever telephonic communication.
Can you hear me, Mr Watson? 'I hear you clearly, Mr Bell.
' Good.
Then I must ask you, Mr Watson, if you or any of your relatives have ever made an unsuccessful insurance claim after an accident that was not your fault Hello? 'Hello? Hello?' Right.
Let's have a look at what's coming up next week.
Lonely dog makes a welcome return.
The cheese witch gets more than she bargained for when she takes on the onion wizard.
And I'll be fighting evil.
Ah, so, time to say goodbye.
Ideally, the traditional showbiz way would be to sign off with a jaunty catchphrase, but the trouble is I haven't got a catchphrase But if I had a catchphrase Then I think my catchphrase would be the following catchphrase I haven't got a catchphrase That would be my catchphrase But still it's nowhere near as cool As all the ones I knew at school And all the ones I've learnt since then are Oh, now, what were they again? There's simply, Aaay! That's from the Fonz and the famous one from The Two Rons Goodnight from me Goodnight from him There's I'll be back and Dammit, Jim! There's No, don't titter and Ah, go on Let's see what you would have won Oh, behave and there's I'm free, Yabba dabba do! But me? I haven't got a catchphrase But if I had a catchphrase Then I think my catchphrase would be the following catchphrase I haven't got a catchphrase That would be my catchphrase You're doomed, you're doomed and just like that I tawt I taw a puddy tat Silly moo and only me I pity the fool from Mr Lovely jubbly, Cowabunga Hi-dee-hi and ay caramba And Ooh, matron from our Ken and also turned out nice again Mmm Betty What's up Doc? There's something camp from that bloke Gok I don't believe it That's a high It can't be beaten and that is why He hasn't got a catchphrase But if he had a catchphrase Then he thinks his catchphrase Would be the following catchphrase I haven't got a catchphrase That would be his catchphrase.
Oh, oh It's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show And that's the title Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin Kevin Eldon Show Argh! .
.
Welcome to my show now where the sun is always out And yea are ever guaranteed a foaming pint of stout Burp! Pardon me.
.
.
Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show It's called It's Kevin Oh! It's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin Eldon Show! Morning, Jo! Oh You look a bit rough.
How was Peter's party? I actually left at about 11.
Everyone else went on to a club.
Sounds like it was quite a night.
Morning, Tim! You look a bit rough.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Did you go to the club? Yeah, but I left about one.
I don't feel too good.
Morning, Simon! You look a bit rough.
Christ! I am never drinking again! I left Pete about six.
I don't know how he does it.
I really don't.
Morning, Pete.
You look I know.
I 'That's one small step for man, 'one Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood.
' First man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, there.
But did he say, "That's one small step for a man, "one giant leap for mankind"? Or as some claim, "That's one small step for a man, "one Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood"? Let's ask second man on the moon, Buzz Aldren.
Can I just right away say that Neil clearly says, "One giant leap for mankind.
" OK, Buzz.
Let's listen again.
'.
.
One Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood.
' Yeah, I see what you mean, Buzz, but you've got to admit, it does sound a little bit like, "One Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood.
" Doesn't sound anything like, "One Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood.
" Play it again - in sections.
'.
.
One Swiss dinosaur' "One giant leap" '.
.
in Polly Gosling's' ".
.
for" '.
.
anorak hood.
' ".
.
mankind.
" It is, isn't it? Course it is.
Course it is.
Obviously.
"One Swiss dinosaur in Polly Gosling's anorak hood"! Stupid! Doesn't even make any sense.
Well, that's cleared that up, Buzz, thanks very much.
Candid stoke in a kimono swab.
Thanks, Alison.
'Come in.
' Morning, Doc Morning, have a seat.
How can I help? Ah, well I see.
And when did you first notice the symptoms? Oh, about Right, and have they recently become more pronounced? Well OK, well, I'm pretty sure I know what the problem is.
You're pre-emptive.
What's pre It's quite a rare condition where you become totally predictable.
Oh Is there a I'm afraid not.
Are you absolutely Quite sure.
But what It's hereditary.
Are you Oh, no, it's not infectious.
And what Well, a fruit diet has been found to alleviate the condition slightly.
But where All I can suggest is a programme of counselling.
You'll find a leaflet at reception.
You're welcome.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, goodbye.
Show the next patient in please.
Yes.
Morning, doctor.
Hello, take a seat.
How can I help? What have you got there, then? Hm? Oh, it's, um, Beefeater magazine.
Latest edition.
Oh, you like Beef eaters, do ya? Beef eaters? Oh, yes, yes, I love them.
I reckon, if I had to choose out of all of the things in the world, including even air, water or food, I would choose Beef eaters.
Mad on them.
Well, what is it especially about Beef eaters, then? Beef eaters? They're brilliant.
Look at that one's ruff.
Right.
I'm quite the Beefeater enthusiast, actually.
I've got, uh, Beefeater T-shirts, Beefeater jigsaws, Beefeater tea towels, Beefeater slippers, Beefeater alarm clock Got a Beefeater watch.
Oh, I forgot it's in for repair, but I have got one.
I made this Beefeater costume myself.
I've read all the books there are about Beef eaters.
There are four.
I'm actually the editor of this Beefeater magazine.
I edit it, I write it, I deliver it, I read it, I re-read it, I re-re-read it, then I put it in the trunk with the others.
I make models of Beef eaters.
I make them out of the inside of toilet rolls.
Then I make them out of the outside of toilet rolls.
Then I make them out of chrome.
I made a Beefeater once out of beef, actually, but I didn't eat it.
I've written a song about a Beefeater.
It goes Have you seen the fine Beefeater eating up his pastry I hardly sleep, I spend so much of my time on my Beefeater-centred activities.
I would say that I'm probably, without fear of contradiction, the number-one Beefeater fan in the world.
Strike that, universe.
You going for a visit today, then? Hm? Tower of London? What? Where the Beef eaters live.
Where the Beef eaters live? You know I really like this studio.
It's got an atmosphere Well, it's hard to define.
Well, the atmosphere in this studio's not THAT hard to define.
In as much as, the atmosphere in this studio consists of oxygen, nitrogen, argon, carbon dioxide and small amounts of other gases.
'Come back, lass, come back!' They film One Man And His Dog in here, you know.
Hey, let's go straight over to the sports desk.
It's nice, isn't it? I gave it a little spray of Mr Sheen earlier.
Oh, and I put some WD40 on the drawer runners.
You know, so it's a really smooth action now.
Watch.
Open drawer Oh, close drawer.
Open drawer close drawer.
Open drawer close drawer.
Hey, Bob.
Oh, I like that.
It's a prop for this week's show.
It's really good.
Remind me, what bit of the show is it for, again? This bit.
Oh, yeah! Open drawer Good evening.
My name is Stanley Dewthorpe.
I am a fictional man from the north of England.
I'm chimney smoke, I'm moor mist.
Anyway, life in the north of England, eh? It's one thing after another, which is being preceded by something, which itself is begin preceded by something, which itself is being preceded by something, going all the way back to 1066.
If you're one of them creationists where that evil hussy Evy Adams picked the forbidden conker and shoved it up King Harold's nose.
Or even further back, if you're Stephen Dawkins - 13.
7 billion years with everything reduced to a singular point, smaller even than Jimmy Clithero.
Or even further back, if you're a proponent of the big bounce theory - ooh, big bounce, Aida Hopkins - which posits significant regression of eternally expanding and contracting universes You decide! But what really takes the black pudding home with a fancy bag made of recyclable material decorated with flowers owned by a flamboyant window dresser, who wears a purple cravat and owns a cat called Lady Gaga, it's got a face looks like it's been squashed in a vice.
Cos when I found a thrupenny pence piece in a empty crisp packet, I think it were Clock and Mill flavour at the corner of Hobblington Road and Edglington Avenue, you know, where Tommy Garter's Aunt Fifi got killed by that barrel of piccalilli.
When I got home I found that me wife had run off with the ghost of German Shakespeare, Wolfgang Gerder.
Is it Gerder or Gerter? Is it Gotter or Geeter? Close drawer.
And from our sports desk to our celebrity chef Charlie Sinclair.
Hello, Charlie.
Hi, Kevin.
Well, looks like you've been busy.
Making dinner.
Oh, great.
What's the recipe? Er Never mind.
Do you reckon it's about ready now? Yeah.
Let's have a look then, shall we? Ooh! So, what's this? It's caller razor clam, leek and brioche Bake.
Oh, right.
Well, if I try some Hmm, I can taste fresh thyme in there.
It's quite strong Oh, no, no, no.
I don't mean strong in a bad way.
Strong in a good way.
It's delicious.
Sorry, I'm going to have to take this.
No problem.
Hi, darling OK, from our celebrity chef, over to Hilary Swan, our economics editor, with the finance news.
I told you not to call me at work! What do you think of my new perfume? Mmm, it's nice.
What is it? It's Wrists by Parfum De Pom Pom.
It smells like wrists.
It does! Do you wanna try? Mmm, now my neck smells like wrists! It does! You neck smells just like wrists! 'Wrists by Parfum De Pom Pom.
'Now your whole body can smell like wrists.
' 'It's the silent killer.
'You can't hear it.
'You can't taste it.
'You can't smell it.
'Cauliflower kills.
'Fit a cauliflower alarm.
' Now, you see, this is the thing about Bob.
There's no job that he can't turn his hand to.
Is there, Bob? So, how are ya? Oh, very well, thanks, Kevin.
Well, I'm glad to hear it.
Well, I say very well, I've actually got a touch of Author Spasm.
Author Spasm? Author Spasm.
I first got it when I was working as a ghost writer for Premier League football players 'Premier League footballers are thoughtful blokes, 'with the minds of philosophers and the hearts of poets.
' and as the beleathered orb left my foot, spinning through the air like a meteor in the depths of the cosmos, I felt my entire life's dreams and hopes shared its happy trajectory.
Unobstructed, pure, true.
'Unfortunately, footballers' agents need them 'to maintain an image of pig ignorance 'so that they don't alienate their sponsors' target audiences.
'So Bosh.
Another one in the back of the net.
Result.
' Oh, that's actually very sad.
It is.
To think that the world will never see a book of John Terry sonnets.
Hi, my name is Paul Hamilton and I am a poet.
So shoot me.
This week's poem is called On Remonstrating With The Alcoholic With Regards To His Unsolicited Comments Pertaining To The Polish Barmaid.
No, Adrian I will not get a load of that Polish bit.
No, Adrian, I would not like to get my head between those two beauties and go, "Waba, waba, waba.
" No, Adrian, no.
Adrian, there are crisps in your beard and vomit on your shoes, and dandruff in your hair.
There are Pringles in your larder and urine in your milk bottles and a Vauxhall Astra engine in your bed.
Adrian, there is nothing in your diary and something in your attic, and I don't know what that is in your toilet.
And when you look at Anna Surilsky she has a name.
You see 3D, page three, swinging free, double D, fantasy through the lies of your lager-filled eyes.
Whereas I, I see a brave young woman in a cowardly old town who yearns for her mama's goulash.
'Quantum shift sequence initiated.
' This is it, Christopher.
Remember this.
Although we may be interfering with history on a grand scale, we are also taking an opportunity to undo a great evil.
'OK.
OK, how about this, Andrew?' Oh, Joseph Your multi-coloured coat has many different colours.
Yes! Jolly good, Tim.
You're a superb lyricist! Hey, fellas! I thought you might like to see a few new moves I've been working on for Jake the Peg.
Here we go, two, three, four I'm Jake the Peg Diddle-liddle-liddle-lum With me extra leg Diddle-liddle-liddle-lum What's up, fellas? Where's the funeral? Strewth! Aargh! Argh! Agh! Are you all right, Rolf? Yeah Actually, Timbo, that wasn't me extra leg you pulled off, just then.
Waaa-hooo! It's the white coat window on the world of worldwide wonders, with the warmly winsome, Wendy Wilson.
Wendy, welcome, and wank you.
Thank you.
So, what have you got? Well, Kevin, this week I'm asking, is seeing believing? Rhetorical question.
Ah.
You know what a rhetorical question is.
Do you? Oh, sorry, I thought that was a rhetorical question.
Yes, I do know what a rhetorical question is.
Who doesn't? Lots of people.
No, that was a rhetorical The relationship between the human brain and the eye is a very complex one.
Let's try an experiment.
I'm going to walk over here.
Now, when I say, I'd like you and audience at home to put one hand over one of their eyes.
OK? Now.
Wow! What do you see? You look like a yucca plant.
Now, when I say, you and the viewers take your hand off again.
Now.
And now you look like a lady again.
Beautiful lady Hand over eye.
Off.
On.
Off.
It's the visual version of the Doppler effect and it's called the Yuccler effect.
It's to do with the way the light falls on to the optic nerve.
It's astonishing.
Although, I have to say, there's nothing "Yucca-y" about you.
But our sight can also affect the way we perceive sound.
Watch this.
Listen to me say this sentence - hello, and how are you today? Now, watch what happens when I say exactly the same sentence wearing a baseball cap and holding a mobile phone.
Don't you tell me to keep my voice down, you tosser! In both cases, you're hearing exactly the same sentence, but the visual input is fooling your brain into thinking that they sound quite different.
Hello, and how are you today? Don't you tell me to keep my voice down, you tosser! Well, it's amazing! You're amazing at explaining things.
Well, it just goes to show that seeing isn't always believing.
Thank you, Wendy.
Beethoven, Mozart, Bach, Brahms, all died They're all heroes of ours, aren't they? Really? They're wonderful people.
Are they? Oh, yes, they really turn us on.
But they're dead.
Well, suppose they turn other people on? That's just their tough shit.
It's what? Nothing.
Rude word.
Next question.
No, no.
What was the rude word? Shit.
Was it really? Good heavens, you frightened me to death.
What about you girls behind? He's like your dad, isn't he, this geezer? Your granddad.
Are you Are you worried or just enjoying yourself? Enjoying myself.
Are you? Yeah.
Oh, that's what I thought you were doing.
Yeah, I always wanted to meet you.
Did you really? We'll meet after, shall we? You dirty sod.
You dirty old man! Well, keep going, chief, keep going.
Go on.
You've got another five seconds, say something outrageous.
You dirty You dirty bastard.
Go on, again.
You dirty fucker.
What a clever What a fuckin' rotter.
Well, that's it for tonight.
I'll be seeing you soon.
I hope I won't be seeing YOU again.
From me though, good night.
OK, let's have a round-up of this week's new releases with music critic and full English breakfast Chas Bough.
You all right, Chas? All right.
So, first up, the Nangawiches.
Now, they haven't had a single out for quite a while.
What do you think? OK.
Plan B and Robert Plant fighting over a beetle were having a noctule of the sound of the Nangawiches.
Right.
I don't really understand.
But no, it's all right.
Onto the next track which is called Mingle by the new South London outfit Mingle.
OK.
Try to imagine Nick Drake driving a bubble car with The Clash in the back arguing over the directions with young Tom Jones till they career right into a shed, in which the Arctic Monkeys are beating up a nun.
Have you listened to these records, Chas? OK.
Try to imagine Dusty Springfield borrowing some teabags from her new neighbours, Daft Punk have got Beck round to mend their combi-boiler and she was drunk on teenage fan clubs' home brew.
Yeah, none of this means anything.
OK, try to imagine the Shangri-La's, Jarvis Cooker Right, where's the dog? Ah, there's one.
Here, boy! Here, boy! Good boy.
Hello? This is Mr Alexander Graham Bell, making the first ever telephonic communication.
Can you hear me, Mr Watson? 'I hear you clearly, Mr Bell.
' Good.
Then I must ask you, Mr Watson, if you or any of your relatives have ever made an unsuccessful insurance claim after an accident that was not your fault Hello? 'Hello? Hello?' Right.
Let's have a look at what's coming up next week.
Lonely dog makes a welcome return.
The cheese witch gets more than she bargained for when she takes on the onion wizard.
And I'll be fighting evil.
Ah, so, time to say goodbye.
Ideally, the traditional showbiz way would be to sign off with a jaunty catchphrase, but the trouble is I haven't got a catchphrase But if I had a catchphrase Then I think my catchphrase would be the following catchphrase I haven't got a catchphrase That would be my catchphrase But still it's nowhere near as cool As all the ones I knew at school And all the ones I've learnt since then are Oh, now, what were they again? There's simply, Aaay! That's from the Fonz and the famous one from The Two Rons Goodnight from me Goodnight from him There's I'll be back and Dammit, Jim! There's No, don't titter and Ah, go on Let's see what you would have won Oh, behave and there's I'm free, Yabba dabba do! But me? I haven't got a catchphrase But if I had a catchphrase Then I think my catchphrase would be the following catchphrase I haven't got a catchphrase That would be my catchphrase You're doomed, you're doomed and just like that I tawt I taw a puddy tat Silly moo and only me I pity the fool from Mr Lovely jubbly, Cowabunga Hi-dee-hi and ay caramba And Ooh, matron from our Ken and also turned out nice again Mmm Betty What's up Doc? There's something camp from that bloke Gok I don't believe it That's a high It can't be beaten and that is why He hasn't got a catchphrase But if he had a catchphrase Then he thinks his catchphrase Would be the following catchphrase I haven't got a catchphrase That would be his catchphrase.