Only Fools and Horses (1981) s01e04 Episode Script

Here we are, the finest French lace hankies - there you are, they're a pleasure to have the flu with! Thank's luv.
Now hurry up girls, get in while the going's good.
It's one for the price of two.
One for the price of two.
Keep taking their money, I'm going to pop down the pub to get a lemonade for the old Hobsons.
Get us a packet of pork scratchings would you.
Pork scratchings.
Sounds like a pig with fleas.
Come on then, get in while the going's good.
We're not here today gone tomorrow, we're here today gone this afternoon, now come on.
- Hey, hey, alright Trigger? - Hello Del Boy, how's yer luck? You can have it for a nicker.
Hello Joyce, I'll have a pint of diesel oil for Trigger and I'll have a blackcurrant and Pernod.
- You'll never guess ho I just saw! - Er, King Faisal of Saudi Arabia.
No.
No, yer miles off Del! No, no, I knew he wouldn't be in here.
He'd be in the saloon bar wouldn't he.
- I'm joking, Trigger.
- Oh gotcha! No, it was your ex-fiancee! - Which one? - Pauline Pauline? Pauline Harris? No, no, no you must have been mistaken.
She got married to that Bobby Finch didn't she and went to live abroad.
- Yeah? Well who's that sitting over there then? - Hm.
Where? Cor, it is her Trigger.
It is her.
It's at moments like this when I wish I carried an emergency capsule of Brut around with me! Leave it out will you Del, you don't wanna get yourself involved with her again.
- Remember what happened last time? - Yeah, yeah.
Did she ask about me? Yeah, she seemed very concerned to know how much you was earning.
- How the hell do you do that? - What? I said she seemed very concerned to know how much you was earning.
Yeah well she probably is concerned.
You know, perhaps she's worrying about me! Alright, alright, I'm not gonna get involved am I? No, I'm too shrewd for all that, ain't I? No, I might just go over there and say hello.
If that is alright with you two? You want your brains testing! Yeah thank you, Joyce.
There did you take one for yourself? - No.
- Good! Excuse me.
Excuse me, squire.
- Hello Pauline! - Del Oh I can't believe itIt's so nice to see you again.
Well it's nice to see you.
Pauline, what have you got over your lips there? What's all that? - It's blackcurrant.
- You what? It's on your lips.
Oh blackcurrant, look - yeah, it's probably from my blackcurrant and Pernod.
Sorry.
Oh thanks.
Ta.
Here let me, er, let me wipe that off yer - I haven't seen you for 12 years or more, I want to know all that's been happening! Nothing you know, nothing really! I heard you got married to that Bobby Finchwhere's he now? - He's down the Blackshaw Road.
- Oh yeah what in those council flats? No in a cemetery.
You mean you didn't know? No! No, no, I'm terribly sorry, I am sorry, I didn't realise.
You see the last I heard was that, you know, that you went to live abroad, so naturally I thought that you and Bobby, like, had emigrated.
No, after Bobby died I went to San Francisco - it suited me being away from familiar surroundings.
I got a job as an air hostess, it's a good salary, uniform, free travel! Yeah of course! That's in your blood innit eh? 'Cos your mum was a bus conductress.
- You never married yourself, Del? - No, no, no, I never fancied myself.
No, no, no, you know what I mean, I mean what I mean is you know, I never - never met a girl that I cared all that much about really you know.
Well, I mean, you know, well, there was one.
- But you don't see her? - Oh yeah.
Well I'm looking at her now.
Where's my pork scratchings? Oh I'm sorry Rodney, I got distracted.
Yeah.
This is my brother Rodney.
D'you remember - you remember Rodney.
He used to be a little scruff.
Look at him now, he's a big scruff, isn't he? You remember Pauline? Yeah I remember.
Pauline Harris innit? Yeah, yeah or do you call yourself Mrs.
Finch now? No.
I call myself Mrs.
Baker.
I remarried, you see, an American chap.
Oh gotcha, you're a divorcee are you? No, a widow! Blimey, what he kicked the bucket and all did he? No, I am sorry, I didn't mean that, sorry.
What about that - ain't that a shame, eh, Rodney you know she's had two husbands die on her.
Yeah, one more she keeps the match ball.
- Excuse me a moment.
- Yeah, yeah of course.
I'm just going to powder my nose.
Yeah, yeah, well hurry back won't you because, you know I'll be waiting.
Yes of course Pauline, hurry back Pauline, can I pull the chain for you Pauline? You make me sick! You've been very hostile towards Pauline ain't you? Well, can you blame me? I remember how she treated you when you was engaged.
I may only have been a little nipper Del, but I remember how she screwed you up.
That was a long time go Rodney, weren't it? Pauline and me, when engaged, we was mod the only reason she left we was because she found a bloke with a faster Vespa.
And that's a fair reason? Yeah it was in them days.
You've got to understand the times Rodney.
In them days, I mean, teenage marriages broke up because the husband didn't like the Hollies! But we're older now, you know, more mature, we've developed sensitivity and emotion.
Oh my God.
Yeah we have - what would you know about it anyway, eh? You don't have romantic feelings you, you just have animal urges.
Sometimes I think you learnt the art of seduction by watching Wildlife on One! You've got to understand Rodney that - you know deep down inside me I'm a very sensitive person.
I am, I am.
What - look at last Christmas and that film Love Story.
Look how upset I got then.
I got upset an' all.
I know, I know, I got upset because Ali MacGraw died - you got upset because Ryan O'Neal didn't.
Well, he's too good-looking ain't he? What do you know about it anyway? What do you know? I am talking about men and women I am.
You, you're still knocking about with Brownies.
No I'm not.
Yes you are, leave it out, some of your dates arrived by skateboard.
Look Del, all I'm trying to say is don't get hiked up with that Pauline again.
She'll screw you up, you mark my words.
Look, Rodney, a lot of water has run under the bridge since me and Pauline broke up.
I know what it's all about now, I understand the rules of the game.
I know you're concerned for me and trying to give me your advice but how can I put it? Shove it Rodney, shove it.
Del Boy's late ain't he Rodney? I wouldn't worry about it Grandad.
I'll give him another What do you mean the morgues? Well, it's something about that Pauline that kills 'em off.
I think she must be a carrier or something.
It's bad news him meeting her again this afternoon.
I remember the last time she hooked him.
I mean, up till then he was doing alright - well your mum had died and your dad had run off and left you but But other than that tickety- boo? Right, Del was out wheeling and dealing and he was coming along nice.
Then she turned up.
I've never seen anyone change so fast as Del Boy.
He was besotted with her they was engaged within the week, broken up within the month.
Little cow was out skylarking around with other fellas.
Del had more fights that John Wayne.
Well, up 'till then he was always a strong believer in God and all that.
I mean he didn't go to church or nothing.
No, didn't carry it to ridiculous lengths? No.
But he'd always give the church a good few quid towards their fund for a new roof.
He said it was a penance seeing as how it was him that nicked the old one.
But after that he lost faith.
Act naturally - stare vaguely at them tellies right and no questions.
God Almighty, what's he done? Gentlemen, attention gentleman.
Gentlemen and Grandad I have a announcement to make.
Pauline and I are engaged to be married.
Don't all bust a blood vessel will you, eh? That's triffic Del.
We'll have to put an announcement in the Exchange and Mart.
That's a lovely idea that, here go and get some glasses, go on and get some glasses, we'll celebrate alright.
Celebrate? You think I'm gonna celebrate my older brother getting hiked up to a gold digger? Listen, oi, listen motor-mouth! I know that you don't like Pauline Oh does it notice that much? Yes it does.
I know - look I know you don't like the idea, right, but it's, you know - that's what I want! Right come on, come on, have a drink eh? YeahYeah I'll get some glasses.
Yeah, get some glasses - get some glasses, that's it.
Here, Grandad, what do you think then Grandad? I'm not saying a word Del Boy! You want to put yourself in lumber for the rest of your life that's entirely up to you.
I'm not saying nothing! Oi, listen, you haven't heard the best part yet, listen this is double celebration, because not only have I got engaged to Pauline, but my bride to be has kindly condescended to come and live with us! Well don't say your congratulations then will yer! Alright.
Say something Grandad.
There's a film on the other side, lots of people getting killed in it! I cleaned that table today! Good, it won't make my plim- soles dirty, will it? What? Rodney! Well, that was divine my love.
That was divine.
That was well - was - Pas de Calais as they say in France.
Long time since we has a steak like that, eh, Rodney? Hell of a long time Del.
Me and Grandad had corned beef! Corned beef? I'm not cooking for them two as well Derek! I'll cook for you and me and you and me only.
I didn't come here to be a skivvy! No, no, no, I know my love.
I know my petal, you see the thing is when I gave you the housekeeping money at the beginning of the week, I meant for you to get some grub for them an' all.
I did, I got corned beef! Ah yeah - well.
There you are see, you like a little bit of corned beef don't you Grandad? What's up with you then, eh? - It's her innit! - What? She hid my teeth! What - what you hidden his teeth for then petal? Look you don't know what it's like in this place.
Well you and Rodney are out at the auctions or the market.
But I'm stuck here with him.
He's nibbling all day long.
There'd be nothing left if I let him carry on! Don't worry, he gets his teeth back at meal times.
Yeah, alright, well you - you know best, eh petal.
Why don't you and Grandad go out Rodney? I wouldn't mind being alone for once! - D'you want to be left alone? - Of course.
- Right, I'll go with 'em, come on Grandad.
- I mean alone with you.
Oh, I see.
Well we never have any time for ourselves in this place.
No time to yourselves! You spend most of your lives in that bedroom! Giant pandas mate quicker than you two! Please.
That's enough! Ever since I moved in here all we ever seem to do of an evening is sitting here watching them rotten televisions.
And that's another thing, why does he have to watch two televisions? 'Cos the other one's being mended! You mean he normally watches three? - Yeah! - He's going senile.
Well wouldn't he be happier with company of his own age? You're not bringing your Granny round here to live with us are you? - I was thinking of a home.
- He's already got a home! I know a very nice place down near Thames Ditton.
Bobby Finch's Grandad died there.
I can't put him in a home Pauline, he's family! - But I'll be your family soon! - Well you go to a home then I don't want to go into a home Rodney, I might catch something! Don't you worry Grandad, we're staying put.
Well, the only alternative is for us to buy a house of our own! What, me buy a house? No, no, couldn't do that.
Couldn't do that.
Don't you see that as soon as I put my signature on a document the authorities are gonna know that I'm alive.
They'll be round here after their pound of flesh quicker than the Mafia! But you can do what my other husbands did, put the house in my name.
Well nobody's going to think it strange me buying a house, not with all the money I got on the life insurance.
Have you got your life insured Del? No.
I've never thought about dying before! Well, we'll have to sort that out - a wife needs protection.
Specially with your luck Pauline! - I fancy an early night Del.
- Oh no, what, again? - Come on.
- Yes alright my love, my petal Listen you two - hey! You ready Grandad? Yeah - I just wanna see what happens first! Eh? Now don't start making excuses! We both agreed we're not wanted here no more, so let's get out before Del wakes up.
We can't go without saying goodbye to him! No, alright we'll say goodbye then we'll get on our way.
Is Del up yet? No he's still in bed.
He needs his sleep, he had a bad night.
Yeah, didn't sound too bad from where I was I'll go and wake him up.
I'll wake him Rodney! I don't want you going in that room.
That's my Mum's room! It used to be your Mum's room Rodney but it's mine now and I don't want to see you in there.
Is that understood? Jawohl mein Oppengruppenfuhrer! Act your age Rodney Why don't you bike it you old bag! You know why she don't want us in there don't you? Probably filled up with sexual torture devices.
I bet poor Del's in there now, bound and gagged, wearing a rubber mask, a loincloth and being threatened with French lessons.
Maybe that's why he's been looking a bit seedy lately! Yeah and it's hardly through lack of food is it.
I mean, look, there are Third World nations who'd give up their mineral rights for what's on that plate.
I wonder what happened to his fried slice.
Perhaps he didn't want it.
His stomach's been a bit dicky hasn't it.
That's true Hello TriggerYeah, hang on I'll get him, Pauline, untie Del will you he's wanted! I'm up, I'm upWhat do you mean untie Del anyway? - Nothing.
- Who is it? It's Trigger.
Trigger? Oh, hello Trigger, what do you want? No, no, no, you didn't disturb me, I had to get up anyway, I was wanted on the phone! Hang on a minute will you Trigger? Cut it out I'm just popping down to the jewelers to put a deposit on that ring I saw.
Another one? You've been engaged five times, married twice, you must have more rings than Bravingtons.
Just shut it Rodney! I mean what is it with you, eh? Are you trying to corner the world's gold market or have you just got a thing about wedding cakes? I'll bang you one in a minute, leave her alone will you! Don't forget you've got to arrange a medical for your life insurance.
I'll see you down the estate agents.
We can go on to the bank from there.
- Alright darling, yeah.
- Sieg Heil! Cut it out, what have you been doing sniffing that glue again have you? Cor dear - Hello, sorry about that Trigger, yeah, no just Rodney having one of his fits Anyway what d'you want to phone me about? What do you mean it's a delicate matter? No, I know you're a mate! No, I won't say that you're interfering! I promise I won't tell you to mind your own business.
Just say hat you want to say will youYeah Oh did I? Did you? Did he? Well listen Trig, why don't you mind your own bloody business, eh? Who do you think you are interfering? Look, you just keep your nose out of it, alright pal? How's Trigger keeping? D'you know what he had the audacity to say, he phoned me up to say he heard last night that the police had investigated Bobby Finch's death.
Apparently he died of food poisoning! Food poisoning! Oh Your breakfast's getting cold Del Boy! Yeah, yeah, thanks Grandad.
Do you know I think I'm putting on a bit of weight.
I think I'll - I think I'll go on a diet.
Get off, there's no calories in weed-killer! You make me die you do! I suppose you think that Pauline's gone - gone window shopping at Rentokill.
Well I'm going down to make arrangements for my medical, I'll see you two later.
No you won't Del.
Because me and Grandad have had it up to here.
We're getting out! Eh? What d'you mean you're leaving? No - leave it out Rodney, what you do for money? We'll get by.
We're thinking about forming a partnership! A partnership! A partnership, you and Grandad? Gawd leave it out Rodney, What have you been doing, sitting on your brains again? You must have noticed at one time or another that he doesn't move.
You know - he made the front page of the Lancet don't you as being the only living man in history to be treated for rigor mortis Where you going to go anyway? - Auntie Rose's in Clacton.
- Auntie Rose's in Clacton? Yeah.
Grandad says we can go there anytime.
Oh did he! Oh did he.
Well you'd better go there now then hadn't you, eh? Go on.
The pair of you, get on your bike.
Go on before Pauline comes back with - with me Deadly Nightshade.
Rodney - no - come on you don't believe all that rubbish about food poisoning do you? Of course not, eat your mushrooms Del.
We're not coming back Del.
No, hang about, I'm coming with you.
Come on Rodney, you bring them suitcases.
Grandpa, you carry the light stuff.
Okay! Surprise, surprise, hello Auntie, I bet you're surprised to see us, eh love? Come on, come on.
Bring that in you two.
Oh yes, very nice.
Here we are.
Here, Grandad, change the channels over will you, there's racing on half past two.
So what d'you put in the note to Pauline then? I just put 'My dearest darling Pauline.
The engagement's off, the wedding's off and, as you can gather from this letter, I'm off! I'll give you five days to clear out of the flat and do not ever come backyou money-grabbing old murderess.
All my love Del Boy!' And then lots of kisses.
I didn't - I didn't put it quite as nicely as that but that was the gist of the idea, yeah.
God knows what we'll go back to! She'll most probably smash that flat to pieces! Have you had enough? That was handsome - handsome well it was, Champs Elysees as the French say.
Now listen Auntie, we're going to be here for about five days so what I want you to do is, I want you to take this money here like that, put that in yer pinny, because I don't want you spending your own money on us.
Alright? Well that's very nice of you! Do you mind if I ask you something? Well of course not, maniere d' etre.
Fire away.
Who are you? Who - who are we? You mean we've been in your house for five hours, had all your shepherd's pie and had a bath each and you don't know who we are? Well I didn't like to ask you because you seemed to know me! We're Joannie's boys aren't we.
Well, I mean, he isn't no - no.
You remember Joannie, my mum, married Reg Trotter! You were at the wedding! I don't remember you! No, no, no, of course you wouldn't remember me, not at me mum's wedding.
I was only a babe in arms.
- You said come down anytime! - When was this then? - 1947! - So here we are! You must - you must remember the wedding! It was at that big church - you know Our Lady the Divine Rosemary, Peckham PeckhamI've never been to Peckham in my life! Funny you should mention it though because the lady that owned this cottage before me, she came from Peckham.
Auntie Rose has moved! - Well who's this then? - Gawd knows! Joannie! Joannie Hollins? Married a Jamaican fella? - Yeah.
- Yeah but you don't look very - We're adopted! - Oh, would you like some apple pie? That would be smashing Auntie, thank you.
Sssh, come in.
Come on, come in here.
Listen, be alert! Pauline could come rushing out of any of these rooms in there brandishing her mother-of-pearl hankies flick knives! It'll be like Psycho in a tower block.
Sssh, listen, I'll take the living room, Rodney you take the bedroom, Grandad you take the kitchen Right and good luck! - Go on my son, go on, go on.
- She's not in the bedrooms! She done any damage? No, all the beds are neatly made, she's even been round with the hoover! She's not in the kitchen! It ain't 'arf clean and tidy out there! What's her game then, eh? What is her game? There's no-way that Pauline would leave this flat without doing something really nasty to me! No, no, don't be daft.
Where would she get a bomb from, eh? Eh there's a letter here! It's addressed to 'That no-good lying two-faced creepo'.
Oh, that'll be for me Rodney! Let's have a look, see what she's got to say for herself then, eh? Right, here we are.
Oh well now that's more like the Pauline that I know and loved! Oh dear look at the language here.
You'd think an ex-air hostess would know how to spell better than that look at that, eh? - Is that true? - No, get off! Del - did Pauline really mean that much to you? No, no, not really.
No, somehow it wasn't quite the same.
Sometimes I think I'm not really cut out for this falling in love lark.
I've got a confession to make Del.
You know that phone call from Trigger, the one about the police investigations into food poisoning, well it was a wind-up! Me and Grandad put him up to itWe did it for you Del.
You put him up to it? It was nothing to do with me Del, I only suggested it.
Yeah, he only suggested it! We was only thinking of you Del.
You was only thinking of me! You couple ofrascals What am I going to do with you two, eh? What am I going to do with you? Got you out of schtuk didn't it! Yeah, we're alright on our own - we don't need no birds.
No, no, not if you say so GrandadHere - go on - go on, put the kettle on, eh? Look at the girl the way she spells.
That's, that's PTO 'please turn over'.
I know that, I know that please turn over means, don't I, PTO, I'm not illiterate an' all that.
Here, there's someone on the phone, it's Tim! - Tim who? - Tim, the talking clock.
Here.
Oh the cow! She only phoned the talking clock before she left! And this is - Gordon Bennett this is dated four days ago! I don't want to worry you Del but this Tim's got a funny accent! She only phoned the talking clock in America that's all.
You mean we're connected to America? It's amazing innit! Hallo.
Hang it up!