The Lone Gunmen s01e05 Episode Script

I'm here at campaign headquarters in downtown Richmond with Senator Richard Jefferson.
And cue camera eight.
-Just four days before the election in a race that's suddenly ugly with allegation after the death of a Jefferson campaign worker in a mysterious auto accident.
We are all deeply saddened by the tragic loss of this young woman, Ms.
Bonabo.
Our hearts go out to the family of our good friend.
Hold steady, Byers.
Stop with the fluff.
Get to the damn allegations.
Senator, your opponent claims that you're trying to bury the facts about the accident and the truth about your relationship with the victim, Ms.
Bonabo.
Let me say emphatically, those are lies meant to capitalize politically on a real tragedy.
Cut the crap, Senator.
Wasn't Ms.
Bonabo's accident reallyjust a way to keep her quiet about your torrid little affair? Who told him to say that? That's a rather bizarre bit of phraseology I really shouldn't dignify with a response.
Isn't it well-known among your staff that you and Ms.
Bonabo liked to play hide the salami? Isn't it well-known amongst your staff that you and Ms.
Bonabo liked to play hide the salami? Okay, that's uncalled for.
Senator You know, I certainly hope my mama's not listenin' 'cause I know how it upsets her to hear these vicious rumors.
Where'd he get those questions? - Think he's making them up? - He's too stupid to make them up.
Senator Skirt Chaser "Senator Skirt Chaser"? Don't get cute, Langly.
Byers, higher with the balloon.
Our transmission's cutting out.
Wait a second.
Who's that guy? - What guy? - The guy with the silver balloon.
- I don't know.
- I don't know how, but he's hijacked our transmission.
What Torpedo in the water.
Get off me.
I think we're in trouble.
Byers has been spotted.
Hey, you! I'm talkin' to you.
- Ahh.
- What's your business here? Me? I'm with 60 Minutes.
No, you're not.
Who's your boss? Geraldo Rivera? - Uh, hey, guys? -Hey, Langly.
Come clean, Senator.
How'd you do it? Slit her brake lines? Have her run off the road? Come on, Senator.
How many bimbos do you have to ice to bury the truth? Being that you've buried more pipe than Exxon in Alaska! Shut the damn door! I'm on a roll.
Uh, pay no attention to that man.
Next stop: Ladies' Wear.
Walk on by, brother.
Let it go.
Enchanté, mademoiselle.
You got a problem, Officer? You got a problem with the hair, man? - Langly - No, no.
I just spent nine hours in jail defending my honor.
I think I deserve a little respect from the man in blue here.
An apology for my friend and I for suffering insults, humiliation and time in the slammer to see that justice is done.
You know what the difference between you and me is? It ain't the hair.
And it ain't the doughnut duster over your big fat pie hole! - The difference between you and me is - Langly! The difference between you and me is I got a gun.
Come on.
Hey, man, we got four days till the election.
Four days to make sure the senator is exposed for what he is before he can put the fix in for good.
- We are not gonna get that story rotting in the hoosegow.
- Hey, are you guys all right? - Yeah, no thanks to you.
- I tried to warn you.
- Save it, Jimmy.
It was a long, cold night in the pokey.
Some guy named Harish tried to make me his afghan.
Oh, man! Do I feel terrible! Not the dog, Jimmy.
The blanket.
WhatJimmy's trying to say is it was all for nothing.
SenatorJefferson's ratings didn't go down after the interview.
They went up.
The whole thing was seen as an ambush, a political stunt.
What's wrong with people? Doesn't anyone care that a woman's dead? That a U.
S.
senator had her bumped off? The man's getting away with murder.
- He may be, unless we can get proof that he did it.
- Proof? Jefferson's a player, a notorious wrecking machine a married man that carries on like a sex-crazed teenager and now he's gone Chappaquiddick on us.
I say we run with the story.
Run it now, verify facts later.
Langly, what about journalistic integrity? We cannot print rumors.
Yeah, and what if it backfires again? These people put the right spin on the story, Jefferson could go to the White House.
I'd vote for him.
I'd vote for him.
Hey, he seems like a great guy.
Come here, Jimmy.
I wanna feel your forehead.
- Ow! What'd you do that for? - I owed it to the world.
We're wasting time here.
He's right.
Let's get moving.
What do you guys want me to do? Just clean the windshield, Gomer Pyle, and then get out of the way.
Stop! What'd I do now? You may have just preserved a valuable piece of information.
- "Rx"? Is that a prescription number? - There's one way to find out.
Gentlemen, looks like we may have ourselves a Deep Throat.
Whoa, guys.
Someone's left us a clue on the woman who died in the accident.
You mean on the windshield? That's her prescription number? What would a dead woman need a prescription for? There's no one here.
Maybe we can just slip in get the Bonabo file, and Bob's your uncle.
Can I help you gentlemen? Uh, yeah.
Um, yeah.
My-My friend here is really ill.
He's got a bad, um stomachache.
- Where does it hurt? - Oh, it hurts all over.
- Then you need a specialist.
- No.
I-It's an emergency.
Doctor can't treat what doctor can't see.
I'm going to send you for a lower G.
I.
No.
No, no.
We know what's wrong.
He's got gas.
Terrible, explosive gas.
-Nurse, can you come back here? -Excuse me.
Gas? Couldn't you choose something more dignified? - Like what? - Like I don't know what.
How am I supposed to fake a gas attack? How am I supposed to sneak in there and get those files? The, uh, doctor will see you now.
Remove your clothes and put on a gown.
Doctor will be along.
What in heaven's name? Excuse me.
Nurse? Watch the other patients.
I think we have an emergency.
I feel better now.
Really.
I'm fine! Must've been the chili cheese dog I had for lunch.
What exactly is this stuff? Forensic adhesive.
I borrowed it from a friend at the F.
B.
I.
Used it to pull the prints off whomever wrote on our windshield.
You're going to use it to find a match.
And all I have to do is walk in and shake hands with people? Someone on the senator's team may be our informant.
We find out who, we may be able to persuade them to tell us how he killed the girl.
You are our eyes and ears, Jimmy.
-Headquarters.
May I help you? Yes, we are open.
Mm-hmm.
Volunteering would be great.
Jimmy Bond in the house.
Thanks a lot.
Bye-bye.
Hi.
I'm here to volunteer my services to the campaign.
James Bond.
Call meJimmy.
Do you have any campaign experience, Jimmy? Campaign experience? Uh no.
Any special skills to volunteer? Special skills? Uh, well, I can count to 20 in Mexican.
Great! Why don't you try over with the senator's opponent, Jimmy? No.
Wait.
Can I just say what an honor it is to be here? Just to be in the presence of such dedicated Americans as SenatorJefferson and yourself.
And can I just say thank you? Thank you for keeping the dream alive.
Here.
Lick some envelopes.
You're doing fine, Jimmy.
I can't believe I'm actually part of the senator's campaign.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thanks.
-What's happening there, Jimmy? Everything's under control.
Oh, man.
In here.
Hurry up.
- What is it? - I've been calling the apartment for two hours, Jock.
No answer.
- What do you mean? - Nobody's home.
The sitter's gone.
Would you calm down.
Maybe she just took him out for a stroll.
I can't take it.
I'd kill myself if anything happened to him.
What if she's out blabbing her mouth to whoever's pursuing the senator's dead girlfriend? In that case, we're dead too.
- We're going to hell for this.
- We have bigger problems than that, Brenda.
Someone's trying to sink us.
We have three days to see that they don't.
Three days? Three days the senator could impregnate the entire League of Women Voters.
You want to quit? Huh? Or you gonna help me keep his pants up and get him elected? Now come on.
All clear, Your Gassiness.
The things I do for a story.
Are you sure this is her place? The doctor wrote Barbara Bonabo a tranquilizer prescription.
This was the address she used.
You know what this is? This is the senator's love nest.
All right.
Over against the wall.
Both you boys know the routine.
How did you know I was here? Police been watching this place and a hundred more like it ever since your story broke in the newspaper.
You cops have all the dumb luck.
The revolutionary kitchen appliance that makes dish washing a breeze.
- He was left alone? - All by himself? - That's what "alone" means.
- He wasn't left alone for long.
- How would you know that? - I put my nose to his diaper.
And you think it's the senator's? It's the senator's love shack.
He was afraid his chicky was gonna squeal, so he fed her the pills and took her for a drive.
- Of course it's his.
- But the senator's a married man.
What would his wife think? That's what this is all about! -Langly? Hey, what do I know about kids? Maybe it's just hungry.
Somebody get it a cheeseburger.
Huh.
If it gets out that this is the senator's baby he's gonna lose the election.
Exactly.
We can do D.
N.
A.
testing.
Mm-mmm.
That'd take more than 48 hours.
I got a hunch one ofJefferson's people may be willing to talk.
Jimmy was able to eavesdrop on Jefferson's campaign managers.
The woman was upset, angry at the senator.
Maybe about the kid.
Of course.
It makes perfect sense.
She was angry at his behavior but afraid to go public, so she left a clue on our windshield.
Jimmy, you gotta go back in there, man.
Get her to dish the dirt.
We get proof this is Jefferson's love child, he's going down.
And our circulation's going up.
I thought all you guys were looking for was the truth.
But you're out to ruin the senator.
Our job isn't to judge.
It's to get the news and report it.
Let the chips fall where they may.
- Yeah, if you say so.
But who's gonna watch the kid? Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.
Langly! - Langly? Langly? Lang - Peekaboo.
- I can't take this! Oh, it's only been five minutes.
Here.
I think he needs a bottle.
P.
U! That's not all it needs.
We're fresh out of milk.
How about some nondairy coffee creamer? Whatever.
Just get in here.
Ooh-fah.
Why spend billions developing biological warfare? -What is that? Out of my way, Mr.
Mom.
All right already! Enough with the fire hose! Okay now, the senator is just a little behind.
He can see you.
It's just he's in a meeting.
Jimmy! That's your name, isn't it? Can you come with me? - Is something the matter? - See this group of blue-haired ladies? - Don't look at them.
Just keep moving.
- Who are they? Big supporters of the senator here to present him an award.
- Wow.
Can I meet the senator too? - That's where we're going, Jimmy.
He fell like a wet sack of crap.
- What happened to him? - He's got a condition.
Bet those ladies out there are gonna be so disappointed.
- That's just it, Jimmy.
- Those women drove seven hours to present this award.
Their support is critical to the election.
He's got to accept it.
- Shouldn't we call a doctor? - No! I don't know.
He doesn't seem in any shape to be in public.
Jimmy, do it.
Do what they say.
It's our chance to expose him.
Senator? Senator Jefferson? If you can just get him on his feet, he usually comes around.
- Senator? -Senator! Man the lifeboats.
You've got the Women's Auxiliary here, Senator.
- They're waiting.
- They just want to hear a word from you.
Oh.
Let's get you some dry clothes.
I believe I have to urinate.
Your endorsement is so important to me.
I am truly blessed.
Without you ladies, I'm nothing.
A man with good intentions is just a man.
But a man in office with the support of folks like y'all is a man on a mission.
Thank you.
Thank God she's here.
Langly, is that a baby crying? No.
That's a baby about to drive us into a tower with guns.
Come on.
How bad can it be? You wanna see a funny face? And you boys wonder what the problem is? I'm in no mood for your usual sarcasm, Yves.
Just show us where the volume control is.
- You must be joking.
- We tried everything.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
- We fed him.
We changed him.
I even read him bedtime stories about the F.
B.
I.
's illegal collection of surveillance data.
This kid refuses to negotiate.
Even you're not that stupid, Frohike.
He won't quit crying until you give him what he wants.
Free the prisoners.
Oh, God.
I'm dealing with schoolboys.
-Oh, look at you.
-Look at you.
You're a bright boy.
Yes, you are.
-I don't believe it.
- That's it? That's all it took? - Sticking a finger in its mouth? Did it ever occur to you that your little prince might be teething? Well, when we found him, he didn't come with an instruction manual.
You found him? No.
No, of course not.
That's just a figure of speech.
We didn't find him.
Uh, he's Frohike's.
Melvin.
Hey, you know, you tomcat around long enough you're bound to wind up with a litter or two.
Come to Papa, big boy.
Quite a day, don't you know? Quite a day, don't you know? Jimmy! Good work today.
I know the senator really appreciates it.
Oh.
Hey, thanks.
Nah, it's okay, Jimmy.
Hey, listen.
There's something I want to discuss with you if I may.
What you saw today in the bathroom the senator's, uh, condition understand, we don't discuss it.
Really nothing to discuss.
Discuss it with him, Jimmy.
Not that it's any of my business but this condition, if we were to discuss it what exactly would we be discussing? Well, I don't know how to put this.
The senator's on a medication for his angina.
- His what? - Well, the senator has a little angina.
Aw, come on.
I know, I know.
He seems like such a big, strong man.
But it's true, and it's not important as long as he keeps doing the job well, right? Now this is just between us.
I'll get to the bottom of this.
We need to have a little talk.
- About? - Oh, I think you know.
And you're pretty darn upset about it too.
- What are you talking about? - Oh, come on.
What kind of fool do you take me for? The senator may be a big, strong man but you and I know what his condition is.
Look, you and I both know the senator doesn't have an angina.
But that's not the big secret.
I think you're just looking for someone to tell aren't you? Whenever you're ready I'm your man.
Brenda? He knows, Jock.
About everything.
Well, looks like we'll just have to take care of it.
Just like we did with the senator's little girlfriend.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, Jimmy.
How are you? Uh, fine.
How are you doing? Great.
Just great.
In fact, things are lookin' so good Jock and I think we no longer need you here as a volunteer, Jimmy.
What are you saying? I'm saying that SenatorJefferson looks like he's got this one in the bag and he wants to bring you on his team full-time, Jimmy.
No.
Seriously? And as a show of faith, we'd like to give you a little bonus.
To just say thanks, Jimmy.
- I know what this is.
- Just a little something.
Yeah.
Like thejob offer.
Keep me quiet about the senator.
You know I've always believed that the senator was a great man.
When that train jumped the tracks and all those schoolkids were hurt he was there, with the families, crying.
And when he got up there to Washington and poured his heart out about making sure that the needy weren't forgotten he changed people's minds 'cause he cared.
But I guess maybe there's another side to the story one that I keep wishing weren't true.
See, I want to believe that the senator's a great man but not because somebody's paying me to.
Could you lay off the buzzer? I just got the kid to sleep.
Melvin, I'm so impressed.
I really thought you'd be all thumbs at this fatherhood business.
You do know it's quite a turn-on when a man shows himself so capable.
- Really? - Maybe I have to reevaluate you.
Okay, whose finger's responsible for the electroshock treatment? Hey, show some respect.
The lady's here out of concern for the child.
- A lot more than I can say for you, Ichabod Crane.
- Oh, yeah? If you're so concerned, why don't you check out the throttle on your urban cow-baby? "Urban cow-baby"? Have you both gone insane? -You could be thrown in jail.
It's working, isn't it? Yeah, if you're trying to make a milk shake in the kid's stomach.
- Melvin, you should be ashamed.
How are we supposed to get any work done? How are we supposed to publish our paper and root out graft, corruption and corporate greed for our loyal readers if we're changing poopy diapers? A man who has to even ask that question is hardly a man at all! - Did you hear all that? - They were bribing you.
- Yeah.
Can you believe it? - Jimmy, this is great news.
Well, I'm glad you think so! They were buying your silence.
It's completely illegal.
Like they think I can be bought.
- Where's the check, Jimmy? - Where is it? - I tore it up! - You tore it up? Into little itty-bitty pieces, and then I scattered it all over that no-good Brenda's desk to let her know who they're dealing with! For God's sake, that was our evidence you destroyed, Jimmy! - You said you needed fingerprints.
- How's it going, guys? - We're doomed.
What do you mean, we're doomed? We got 36 hours to the election, and we got nothing.
No evidence, no story.
Nothing to prove the senator did anything wrong.
What happened to Deep Throat, the turncoat, this Linda Tripp? If she ever wanted to talk, I'd say that opportunity is long gone.
You want evidence? I'll get you evidence.
I'll get you the story.
The love your baby feels is the love your baby deals.
In the animal kingdom babies who are not nurtured by their mothers grow up unprepared to nurture their own offspring.
So it is with the human animal.
I can't go through with this.
Melvin, he's your child.
So the job of nurturing falls both to Mommy and Daddy.
But sometimes Daddy feels ill-equipped to bond with Baby and that's why we're here today.
Gentlemen, keep those nipples high and proud! Breathe one word of this, Yves -Look at you.
Look at you.
Look at Little Billy Goat Gruff.
How could the senator abandon such a sweet little angel? "Well, well, well, well" "Oh, happy day" "Oh, happy day Oh, happy day" "Oh, happy day" "When Senator Jefferson walks" "When the senator walks" "When Senator Jefferson walks" "Oh, yes, when he walks" -Grande decaf, no cream.
Grande regular, cream and sugar.
A triple grande cappuccino.
Here you go.
"Oh, happy day" "Oh, happy day" - Your coffees.
"Oh, happy day" "When Senator Jefferson walks" "When the senator walks" "When Senator Jefferson walks" "Yes, when he walks" - Nice kid.
"When Senator Jefferson walks" "When Senator Jefferson walks" Sing for Jefferson! What on earth are you doing? Bringing you your evidence.
Fingerprints.
On the cups.
- It's too late.
- Maybe not.
Leave it to you bumbling fools to ruin a beautiful opportunity.
She knows everything.
You let this man get away with fathering an illegitimate child? And keeping it a secret from the voters over there! - Just cool your jets, Yves.
- Hey! I think we've found our Deep Throat.
Psst.
Psst.
Come here.
Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, I was so worried that something terrible had happened to him.
Something awful.
The little guy's fine, Brenda.
Ow! Oh! You! I oughta kick your butt from here to the Potomac! - For what? - For lyin' to me.
For playin' the big, dumb, stupid lunkhead.
- I wasn't playin' anything.
- Oh, no? "The senator's a great man.
The senator's this.
The senator's that.
" And then you go and kidnap his baby and bring him here, so you can humiliate him.
- That's what you wanted? - Me? To ruin the senator? A clue left on our windshield led us to the kid.
We pulled a fingerprint off of it, which matched up perfectly with this.
Grande vanilla, two percent, no whip, caramel latte, babe.
I had a regular cappuccino.
- That's not your cup? - No.
And not her fingerprints either.
Then whose cup is it? -As I stand here today, just hours before election day I stand here as a partner with you.
-As a friend, a relative a man you can trust not just to protect the America we know and love but to fight for you like a junkyard dog! -I am but a man Folks, you'll have to excuse me.
I got voters out there waiting.
Now what's this all about? About you being ruined, Senator.
Ruined? By who? These people? We're reporters, Senator, from a paper called the Lone Gunman.
- We've been working on an exposé.
- An exposé? About who? Not me.
About your drunken behavior and your reckless carousing and the death of one of your campaign workers.
Those are rumors.
You tell 'em, Jock.
Jock already told 'em.
That's how they know the truth, Senator.
Jock? NotJock.
Jock's my boy.
Your loyal campaign manager over there is a backstabbing traitor.
Why don't you just admit it to him, Jock? Look, we know about your affair with Barbara Bonabo.
A clue left on our car led us to a doctor who wrote prescriptions for the tranquilizers in her system the night of her accident.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What doctor? What tranquilizer? You talk like I know any of this.
The reason you don't know any is because I took care of it for you.
Like I take care of everything.
All the mess.
All your dirty secrets.
You killed Barbara Bonabo, Jock? No, I didn't kill her.
We just wanted to keep her quiet make her disappear till after the election.
But she took some pills and took a drive.
She was distraught.
She was in love with you.
But then they're all in love with you.
Whatever my behavior or my affairs this was wrong, Jock.
Apparently not, Senator.
Somehow I always turn it into a victory, don't I? Well, not this time.
No.
Jock hates you so much, he put the story right under their nose.
Anonymously, like a coward.
I got a career ahead of me, unlike the senator here.
Even if they write the story it won't come out until after the election, Senator.
There's only one little problem.
It's mine? I'm the father? Jefferson's the man.
Well, this is unforeseen.
I do apologize, Brenda.
I'm sorry.
I've let you down.
You too, Jock.
I don't blame you for hatin' me.
Where are you going, Senator? I'm gonna save these boys some trouble.
I'm gonna tell the people out there the truth myself.
Senator? I'm still voting for you.
Thank you, Jimmy.
-All right, Senator.
-Oh, now.
I know you're hungry.
- Just come on.
Have a little milk.
Come on.
I'm here at Sen.
Jefferson's campaign headquarters where yesterday voters rallied excitedly, expecting a landslide victory.
But those rally cries turned to deadening silence this morning after a cheerful speech by the senator telling the voters about a secret affair and of a love child with a former campaign worker.
-I can't listen to this.
Play with fire, Jimmy, you're gonna get burned.
At least he was man enough to go out there and admit the truth.
Well, he's still a great man.
But not a great father.
-You got a problem with the hair, man? He thinks you're his mother.
Bug off, Frohike.
We're spending quality time here.
- Hey, it's my turn to hold him.
Get the door.
What's he doing here? I wasn't sure I had the right address.
Anyway, uh, may I come in? So, this is the conscience of America, huh? We only mean to report the truth.
Well, it's a good thing.
And inspiring.
Wouldn't it be great if we could all be more like you? That's what you came here to tell us? No, Jimmy.
No.
I I came for something else.
- The kid? Langly.
Well, hello, Son.
Goodness.
You don't even have a name yet, do you? You know what? I believe I'm gonna call you William.
- How about that? William Jefferson.
- That's a great name.
What can I say? He's a good man.
I just came to pick up some baby stuff for the senator.
Excuse me.
Hey.
- Everybody! Come here! - What is it? First election results in showing Senator Jefferson not out of this race by any means.
- Oh, hey.
- Oh.
- I know.
- Okay.
- It's okay.
- Yeah.
Oh, it's all right.
-I made this!