Dating Rules From My Future Self (2012) s01e06 Episode Script
Chapter Six: Open Yr Eyes
I GOT A CALLBACK FOR THE INFOMERCIAL -- FOR THE PAR OF THE TEENAGE DAUGHTER WHOSE MOM BUYS HER HER FIRST PAIR OF PAJEGA JEANS.
PAJEGA JEANS? YEAH, IT'S CROSS BETWEEN PAJAMA AND JEGGINGS.
SO CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT IS OVER.
OH.
YOU DID IT? - HOW WAS IT? - DID YOU CRY? WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT? IT WAS AMAZING.
NOW I'M GONNA CRY.
LUCY? LUCY? OH.
FULL HOUSE.
GOOD MORNING, SAILOR.
HELLO, WORKER-OUTER.
- GOOD MORNING.
- A SPECIAL GOOD MORNING TO YOU.
MM.
WANT TO GET BREAKFAST? THERE'S THIS NEW PLACE BY LACMA I WANT TO CHECK OUT.
WE COULD GRAB A BITE, SEE AN EXHIBIT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, LUCY GOOSEY? NICKNAMES.
- ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? - WE'RE ALL GONNA GO GET COFFEE.
WELL, IF YOU JUST WANT TO STAY IN, I CAN WHIP SOMETHING UP.
WE CAN ALWAYS GO TO BREAKFAST TOMORROW.
- NO.
NO.
- NO.
NO.
NO.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
HEY.
HEY.
KELC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OKAY, I'M JUS NIPPING THIS IN THE BUD.
WHAT'S GOING ON? OKAY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR PANTS WENT, HUH? - OH, I'M SORRY.
- OKAY.
YOU MUST HAVE HAD FUN LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET THE MUSEUM.
YOU INTO HABITAT FOR HUMANITY? IT STARTED OFF AS A COURT ORDER, BUT I REALLY DIG IT.
THE SEAT'S ALWAYS WARM, LUCY.
HE WAS THE SORBET.
SHE'S RIGHT.
ONE NIGH ONLY, AND THEN HE MELTS.
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST -- I'M SO GLAD I DID IT.
- IT MAKES ME FEEL, LIKE -- EMPOWERED? MULTI-ORGASMIC? NORMAL.
YOU KNOW, LIKE BRENDAN ISN' THE ONLY GUY OUT THERE FOR ME.
WELL, I MEAN, JUST WAIT.
I HAVE SO MANY DUDES TO INTRODUCE YOU TO.
ANYBODY YOU HAVEN'T BONED? SO, WHAT COMES AFTER THE SORBET? NOW YOU ARE READY FOR THE FULL MEAL.
YOU GUYS, WE CAN HAVE A HOUSE PARTY.
SO? I THINK SHE STILL NEEDS OUR HELP.
MM.
LET'S MAKE THIS INTERESTING.
WHOEVER SUCCESSFULLY SETS UP LUCY SHOULD WIN SOMETHING.
LOSER HAS TO CLEAN UP THE PARTY.
- DEAL.
- HMM.
LUCY, THIS IS ADAM.
THIS IS FREDERICK FROM MY PSYCH CLASS.
- WE MET AT MY AUDITION.
- HE LOOKS GOOD IN PAJEGA JEANS.
HE'S WRITING HIS DISSERTATION ON PERSONALITY DISORDERS.
HUNGRY? THIRSTY? I'LL GET IT.
LUCY IS BORDERLINE BIPOLAR, AND SHE HAS AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER.
HAVE FUN! SO, ADAM WHERE'S EVE? WHEN DID YOUR FEELINGS OF SOCIAL INADEQUACY BEGIN? ABOUT 10 SECONDS AGO.
MY PHONE'S RINGING.
I'M GONNA GET THIS.
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? NO WAY.
THAT'S COOL.
IS DAVE HERE, BY ANY CHANCE? NO, WHY WOULD HE BE? - HE WOULDN'T BE.
- NEVER MIND.
THE THING IS, KELC, I JUST -- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CONNECT TO PEOPLE ANYMORE.
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - YOU HAVE THE ULTIMATE WEAPON.
YOU'RE A GEEK.
GUYS LOVE GIRL GEEKS.
DO THEY? PEOPLE MUST PITCH YOU IDEAS FOR APPS, LIKE, ALL THE TIME, DON'T THEY? THEY DO, ALL THE TIME.
BUT I BET YOU NEVER HEARD THIS ONE.
A SCALE FOR YOUR PHONE.
WHEN YOU STAND ON THE PHONE, IT WEIGHS YOU.
IT'S AN APP THAT TELLS YOU EVERY TIME YOUR CAT NEEDS TO EAT.
YOU COULD GO WITH, UH AN APP TO RULE ALL APPS MAKE A SKINNY BOOTH FOR FAT PEOPLE.
AN APP TO FIND THEM MEOW! 'CAUSE OF THE -- WHAT A CAT SAYS.
AND IN THE DARKNESS BIND THEM.
L.
O.
T.
R.
"LORD OF THE RINGS.
" YEAH.
HEY, UH, CAN I GET YOUR NUMBER? SO, LUCE, WAS THERE ANYONE? NO, UM, BUT THANKS FOR TRYING.
DOES THAT MEAN WE ALL HAVE TO CLEAN UP? OH, MY GOD.
SOMETHING IN THIS AREA JUST REEKS.
I CAN'T SMELL IT, BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA PUKE.
I JUST CAN'T STOP DRINKING ANYMORE.
DID YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK UPSIDE-DOWN, IT MAKES YOU DOUBLE DRUNK? OH, WHAT DID WE JUST DO? - HEY, GIRLS.
- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
OH, YOU ASKED ABOUT HIM.
I CALLED.
SORRY, YOU'RE WELCOME.
BRENDAN SAID YOU GUYS CALLED FOR ME TO COME GET HIS STUFF? OH, WE THREW HIS STUFF AWAY.
- NO, NO, NO.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S FINE.
I-I'LL GET -- I'LL GET IT.
I'LL GET IT.
HAVE A SEAT, DAVE.
AND I'LL GE SOME OF BRENDAN'S STUFF.
WHAT'S THE OCCASION? OH, IT'S LUCY'S COMING OUT PARTY.
OH, CONGRATS.
THAT MUST HAVE TAKEN A LOT OF COURAGE.
IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF COMING OUT.
THEY JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE ME TO PEOPLE.
WELL, IT IS HARD TO MEET PEOPLE.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, KELCEY.
- WE SHOULD GO TO BED.
NIGHT.
ARE YOU KIDDING? WHAT? YOU ARE ALWAYS WITH THE MOST AMAZING WOMEN.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
WHAT ABOUT THE SUPERMODEL? NO, W-WELL, SHE WAS A MODEL.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT SUPER.
OKAY, WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE DOCTOR WHO FOUND THE CURE FOR HEPATITIS? THAT WAS ONLY 70% EFFECTIVE.
NOT THAT -- THAT IS IMPRESSIVE, LUCY.
IT IS.
I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT IT'SHARD TO MEE THE RIGHT PERSON.
- OH.
TSK.
OH.
- GIVE ME THAT.
- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - YEAH, COME HERE.
FOUR SISTERS, REMEMBER? ALSO, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, I CAN FRENCH-BRAID YOUR HAIR.
H-HOW'S BRENDAN DOING? HONESTLY? HE'S THROWN HIMSELF INTO HIS WORK, AND HE'S MISERABLE.
I'M NOT SAYING THA TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.
I-I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SAYING THAT.
IT'S JUS YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH HIM.
I TOTALLY GET IT.
IT'S FINE.
- YEAH.
- YEAH, I AM HIS FRIEND.
MM-HMM.
ALL DRY.
I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T MEE ANYONE GREAT TONIGHT.
WELL, MAYBE I DID.
GET TO CLEANING, WOMAN.
DON'T! I THINK IT WOULD BE A CUTE IDEA.
PAJEGA JEANS? YEAH, IT'S CROSS BETWEEN PAJAMA AND JEGGINGS.
SO CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT IS OVER.
OH.
YOU DID IT? - HOW WAS IT? - DID YOU CRY? WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT? IT WAS AMAZING.
NOW I'M GONNA CRY.
LUCY? LUCY? OH.
FULL HOUSE.
GOOD MORNING, SAILOR.
HELLO, WORKER-OUTER.
- GOOD MORNING.
- A SPECIAL GOOD MORNING TO YOU.
MM.
WANT TO GET BREAKFAST? THERE'S THIS NEW PLACE BY LACMA I WANT TO CHECK OUT.
WE COULD GRAB A BITE, SEE AN EXHIBIT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, LUCY GOOSEY? NICKNAMES.
- ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? - WE'RE ALL GONNA GO GET COFFEE.
WELL, IF YOU JUST WANT TO STAY IN, I CAN WHIP SOMETHING UP.
WE CAN ALWAYS GO TO BREAKFAST TOMORROW.
- NO.
NO.
- NO.
NO.
NO.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
HEY.
HEY.
KELC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OKAY, I'M JUS NIPPING THIS IN THE BUD.
WHAT'S GOING ON? OKAY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR PANTS WENT, HUH? - OH, I'M SORRY.
- OKAY.
YOU MUST HAVE HAD FUN LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET THE MUSEUM.
YOU INTO HABITAT FOR HUMANITY? IT STARTED OFF AS A COURT ORDER, BUT I REALLY DIG IT.
THE SEAT'S ALWAYS WARM, LUCY.
HE WAS THE SORBET.
SHE'S RIGHT.
ONE NIGH ONLY, AND THEN HE MELTS.
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST -- I'M SO GLAD I DID IT.
- IT MAKES ME FEEL, LIKE -- EMPOWERED? MULTI-ORGASMIC? NORMAL.
YOU KNOW, LIKE BRENDAN ISN' THE ONLY GUY OUT THERE FOR ME.
WELL, I MEAN, JUST WAIT.
I HAVE SO MANY DUDES TO INTRODUCE YOU TO.
ANYBODY YOU HAVEN'T BONED? SO, WHAT COMES AFTER THE SORBET? NOW YOU ARE READY FOR THE FULL MEAL.
YOU GUYS, WE CAN HAVE A HOUSE PARTY.
SO? I THINK SHE STILL NEEDS OUR HELP.
MM.
LET'S MAKE THIS INTERESTING.
WHOEVER SUCCESSFULLY SETS UP LUCY SHOULD WIN SOMETHING.
LOSER HAS TO CLEAN UP THE PARTY.
- DEAL.
- HMM.
LUCY, THIS IS ADAM.
THIS IS FREDERICK FROM MY PSYCH CLASS.
- WE MET AT MY AUDITION.
- HE LOOKS GOOD IN PAJEGA JEANS.
HE'S WRITING HIS DISSERTATION ON PERSONALITY DISORDERS.
HUNGRY? THIRSTY? I'LL GET IT.
LUCY IS BORDERLINE BIPOLAR, AND SHE HAS AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER.
HAVE FUN! SO, ADAM WHERE'S EVE? WHEN DID YOUR FEELINGS OF SOCIAL INADEQUACY BEGIN? ABOUT 10 SECONDS AGO.
MY PHONE'S RINGING.
I'M GONNA GET THIS.
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? NO WAY.
THAT'S COOL.
IS DAVE HERE, BY ANY CHANCE? NO, WHY WOULD HE BE? - HE WOULDN'T BE.
- NEVER MIND.
THE THING IS, KELC, I JUST -- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CONNECT TO PEOPLE ANYMORE.
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - YOU HAVE THE ULTIMATE WEAPON.
YOU'RE A GEEK.
GUYS LOVE GIRL GEEKS.
DO THEY? PEOPLE MUST PITCH YOU IDEAS FOR APPS, LIKE, ALL THE TIME, DON'T THEY? THEY DO, ALL THE TIME.
BUT I BET YOU NEVER HEARD THIS ONE.
A SCALE FOR YOUR PHONE.
WHEN YOU STAND ON THE PHONE, IT WEIGHS YOU.
IT'S AN APP THAT TELLS YOU EVERY TIME YOUR CAT NEEDS TO EAT.
YOU COULD GO WITH, UH AN APP TO RULE ALL APPS MAKE A SKINNY BOOTH FOR FAT PEOPLE.
AN APP TO FIND THEM MEOW! 'CAUSE OF THE -- WHAT A CAT SAYS.
AND IN THE DARKNESS BIND THEM.
L.
O.
T.
R.
"LORD OF THE RINGS.
" YEAH.
HEY, UH, CAN I GET YOUR NUMBER? SO, LUCE, WAS THERE ANYONE? NO, UM, BUT THANKS FOR TRYING.
DOES THAT MEAN WE ALL HAVE TO CLEAN UP? OH, MY GOD.
SOMETHING IN THIS AREA JUST REEKS.
I CAN'T SMELL IT, BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA PUKE.
I JUST CAN'T STOP DRINKING ANYMORE.
DID YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK UPSIDE-DOWN, IT MAKES YOU DOUBLE DRUNK? OH, WHAT DID WE JUST DO? - HEY, GIRLS.
- OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
OH, YOU ASKED ABOUT HIM.
I CALLED.
SORRY, YOU'RE WELCOME.
BRENDAN SAID YOU GUYS CALLED FOR ME TO COME GET HIS STUFF? OH, WE THREW HIS STUFF AWAY.
- NO, NO, NO.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S FINE.
I-I'LL GET -- I'LL GET IT.
I'LL GET IT.
HAVE A SEAT, DAVE.
AND I'LL GE SOME OF BRENDAN'S STUFF.
WHAT'S THE OCCASION? OH, IT'S LUCY'S COMING OUT PARTY.
OH, CONGRATS.
THAT MUST HAVE TAKEN A LOT OF COURAGE.
IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF COMING OUT.
THEY JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE ME TO PEOPLE.
WELL, IT IS HARD TO MEET PEOPLE.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, KELCEY.
- WE SHOULD GO TO BED.
NIGHT.
ARE YOU KIDDING? WHAT? YOU ARE ALWAYS WITH THE MOST AMAZING WOMEN.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
WHAT ABOUT THE SUPERMODEL? NO, W-WELL, SHE WAS A MODEL.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT SUPER.
OKAY, WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE DOCTOR WHO FOUND THE CURE FOR HEPATITIS? THAT WAS ONLY 70% EFFECTIVE.
NOT THAT -- THAT IS IMPRESSIVE, LUCY.
IT IS.
I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT IT'SHARD TO MEE THE RIGHT PERSON.
- OH.
TSK.
OH.
- GIVE ME THAT.
- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - YEAH, COME HERE.
FOUR SISTERS, REMEMBER? ALSO, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, I CAN FRENCH-BRAID YOUR HAIR.
H-HOW'S BRENDAN DOING? HONESTLY? HE'S THROWN HIMSELF INTO HIS WORK, AND HE'S MISERABLE.
I'M NOT SAYING THA TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.
I-I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SAYING THAT.
IT'S JUS YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH HIM.
I TOTALLY GET IT.
IT'S FINE.
- YEAH.
- YEAH, I AM HIS FRIEND.
MM-HMM.
ALL DRY.
I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T MEE ANYONE GREAT TONIGHT.
WELL, MAYBE I DID.
GET TO CLEANING, WOMAN.
DON'T! I THINK IT WOULD BE A CUTE IDEA.