London Irish (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

1 I'm sure they have orgies in Ireland.
I don't see how.
You'd know everybody.
You might accidentally ride your own auntie.
I don't understand, when does it become an orgy? After a few bottles of Jack Daniels, I imagine.
I mean, how many people do you need? More than three.
You need a lot more than three.
No, it goes masturbation, sex, threesome, orgy.
I don't think I'd do an orgy.
Me either.
I sort of get the appeal in theory, but in reality, I think it'd be an awful lot of work.
Aye, you'd be there all day.
Yeah! Is a gang bang different from an orgy? A gang bang has something to do with a car.
Isn't it? No, you're thinking of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
That's a different thing altogether.
Dogging - that's the one they do in the car.
No, see, I wouldn't be into that.
Anything involving animals.
It doesn't involve animals.
Two people have sex in a car while a crowd of lads watch them.
And pull the middle out of themselves.
Oh, God! What will they think of next?! I can't believe you won't even consider it.
I mean, it's such a good cause.
Don't you want to give something back, Packy? Niamh, you're asking me to have sex with women for money? Yeah.
It's a no win, no lose situation.
You mean it's a win-win situation? Exactly.
So you'll do it, then.
I'm not joining your escort agency, and that's final! Oh, come on, Conor's up for it.
Right, that changes everything.
Does it? No! Seriously, Niamh, you haven't thought this through.
Not thought it through? What's this, then? A receipt from Sainsbury's.
Other side.
"Rafferty's Rides!" See, this isn't going to be any old escort agency, Packy.
Oh, no.
We're talking specialists here.
Irish men only.
Thoroughbreds.
Who the feck is Rafferty? It was my grandmother's maiden name.
I'm sure she'll be very proud.
Oh, look, Packy, it's the twins.
Feck it! All right, Matthew and Mark, how's it going? Not too bad, Niamh, you're looking well.
Aye, I know.
I don't suppose you've seen that brother of ours? He's just hiding behind the bar there, boys.
All right, Packy! What's going on down here, then? Look, lads, seriously, I can't have this conversation again.
I'm not moving back in with you, I want to live with my friends.
Come on, who lives with their friends? It's ridiculous.
It's weird.
You're a grown man, you should be living with your brothers.
Get your things, we'll say no more about it.
It's not happening.
If he saw what we'd done with the place, he'd change his mind.
Aye, I think he would, surely, Mark.
What have you done with the place? Let's just say the magical kingdom's come on leaps and bounds.
I've no interest in your ceramic jungle, lads.
BOTH: Forest! Whatever.
But, Packy, we've loads more animals now.
We managed to get a unicorn.
That wasn't easy, Packy.
They're extinct, for Christ's sake.
No, they're not extinct, they're fictional.
And extinction doesn't really apply to ornaments, does it? Yes, Packy, it does.
Right.
Boys, you've nowhere to even put me.
Our Aidan's in my old room now.
We've thought about that.
Me and Mark don't mind sharing, do we? We can top and tail.
Please don't top and tail, lads, promise me you won't top and tail.
Ach, it's no bother.
We do it anyway sometimes.
For the craic.
OK, well, I don't want to talk about that or think about it.
So Look, the truth is we could do with having you about at the minute.
We need your help.
It's Aidan.
You might want to be sitting down for this.
Great! They're not bad-looking fellas.
Niamh, you're not asking me brothers to join your escort agency.
You're right, it'd be too confusing.
I mean, how would you tell which one's which? Yeah, tricky one all right.
4.
75? For a scone? For one scone? Yep, that's what it says.
4.
75, for a solitary scone, for a singular scone, 4.
75.
I just I don't That couldn't be right, wee'un.
It's right, Da.
£4.
75.
Bronagh, are the sandwiches nice in this place? I dunno, never been in here before.
No, I mean are the sandwiches nice in England? They're not as nice as the sandwiches you make, Mammy.
Ach, son, stop it! Aye, really, stop it.
Do, seriously.
4.
75! Like, who baked the thing, God himself? Look, Da, if you want a scone, I'll buy you a scone.
Why would I want a scone? Sure, I never eat scones.
As if that one would know what we eat or what we didn't eat.
We could be sitting here dead, and she wouldn't even notice.
Are you still huffing about the Tube? We didn't even get to do rush hour! We'd been on it for ages.
I couldn't take any more! Who in their right mind wants to "do" fucking rush hour anyway? Don't you swear at me, you cheeky article.
We come over here for two reasons - to do rush hour and spend time with our child.
Children.
Children, you have two of them! Bronagh, keep your voice down.
Aye, come on, don't be a mouth now, Bronagh, love, there's a good girl.
Ah, lads, come on now.
Aidan's young, he's just moved to London.
It's exciting, he should be out having a good time.
It's nothing to worry about.
He's out of control, Packy.
You're over-reacting.
We think he has a serious drink problem, and so does Mammy.
Mammy's very upset about it.
Beside herself, so she is.
She's never off the phone.
Crying her wee lamps out.
Well, how did she find out? We told her.
Right, it's just, if you hadn't told her, she wouldn't be upset, she'd be none the wiser.
Mammy needed to know.
Mammy should know everything.
You can't keep things from Mammy.
Are you keeping things from Mammy? No! God, no, of course not! Listen, Matthew and Mark, it sounds like the fella's just had a couple of heavy nights.
It doesn't mean he has a problem.
He had to have his stomach pumped on Thursday.
Right, that's not great.
But maybe it'll have given him the scare he needed.
He lost his job.
He pissed in his boss's office.
Which, again, isn't ideal, but who hasn't had a bit of a piss in their boss's office? He's started wearing an England shirt.
What? It's true.
Football or rugby? Football.
Oh, sweet Jesus! He's refusing to take it off.
He's in the thing 24/7.
What are we going to do? We think there's only one thing we can do.
We need to have an intervention.
Jesus, that's a bit extreme! I mean, he is your brother, boys.
No, I don't think you can Niamh, it's OK.
It's not OK, it's cold-blooded murder.
No, it's not.
Oh, really? Tell that to John Lennon.
That's assassination, Niamh.
Oh! Oh, aye! John Lennon was assassinated.
I am a buck eejit! Ach, it's an easy mistake to make, Niamh.
Aye, it's much of a muchness.
Give me strength.
How's the ma and da? If I could catapult the bastards back to Ireland right now, I would.
We've had such a great day, Niamh.
Mate, is that a doll? Cracker, isn't it? Mammy got me it cos I was well behaved.
Bronagh got fuck-all squared.
You won't be smirking when I ram it up your hole, cock features! When are they leaving? It's a total nightmare! I can't Oh, hello, Mrs Lynch, hello, Mr Lynch! Enjoying your stay? Can I get you a cup of tea or anything? Stop being such a creeping Jesus, Patrick! OK.
Wait till you see this, Packy.
You won't believe this, now.
Who does he look like? Not me, the other fella.
Um Prince Charles.
He's the absolute spit, isn't he? He is, yeah.
I mean, he is his double, do you not think he's his double? Yeah I do.
I mean, it's freaky.
It's uncanny.
You'd think I was standing there with Prince Charles, wouldn't you, wouldn't you now? Yeah, but I think that's the whole idea of Madame Tussaud's, Mr Lynch.
The waxworks, well, they're SUPPOSED to look like famous people.
Mad altogether! How's Rafferty's Rides coming along, Niamh, love? Oh, not too bad, not too bad.
I'm looking into some office space at the minute.
So, what are the plans tonight, Mr and Mrs Lynch? Hit the tiles, are we, paint the town red? Is he always such a mouth? Oh, I know what you should do - go to this intervention with me and Packy.
You are not coming.
An intervention? Oh, aye, I don't know if I'd be into that now, Niamh, love.
Seems in poor taste to me.
No, that'll be assassination you're thinking of, Chris.
This is a slightly different thing.
Well, tell me this and tell me no more, what is an intervention? Well, it's basically a surprise party, Ann, only we all get to pick on someone, call them a ballbag and stuff.
It's when you confront a loved one about a serious addiction like alcoholism, Mrs Lynch.
It's going to be great craic.
Sounds like a good wee night, right enough.
Stopping an innocent fella from enjoying a drink - does sound like a good night.
While we're at it, why don't we all do a bit of a goose step and invade Poland?! Stop trying to do us out of an intervention.
I am going to clip that hallion's ear.
Look, it's not like that - this is serious, OK? Aidan's going through a really bad time right now.
Aidan?! Well, well, well.
This'll be an interesting night.
This'll be an interesting night indeed.
Conor, you're not coming.
Nobody's coming.
Oh, I've a thing or two to say to Aidan.
Oh, Conor, not the fecking hat! He didn't steal your hat, he just forgot to give it back! And it was three years ago.
Who borrows a hat and just forgets to give it back? I'd say it's common enough, mate.
Patrick, what do you bring to an intervention? Would a couple of cakes do or would we be needing to make sandwiches? Right, listen, everybody.
Now, I don't mean to be a buzzkill, but this is a very sensitive, very private matter.
It's it's a family-only thing.
There is absolutely no way any of you are coming.
Is that clear? Boys, I am so sorry, I asked them not to come, but Ach, not at all.
The more the merrier.
Come on in, folks.
Hello, Mr Lynch, Mrs Lynch, good to see you.
You too, Matthew or Mark.
I know it's not ideal, but we can What's happening, where are you going? Drama club.
But you can't go to drama club.
Why not? Firstly, you're adults, but more important, we're meant to be confronting our brother about his fucking drink problem! Look, we don't need to feel guilty about this.
Packy should be the one to deal with it.
Packy needs to start showing more of an interest.
Lads, I'm standing right here - why are you? Hold on, did Mammy say that? Are you just repeating what Mammy said? Well, we'd better be heading on, so.
But I do show an interest.
What makes you think I don't show an interest? We'll chat to you a bit later, then, Packy? We'll give you a bit of a buzz tomorrow.
Good luck to you now.
What have you been saying to Mammy?! Jesus! So, what's this about, Packy, what's going on? Nothing's going on.
I just hadn't seen you in a while, thought it'd be nice to catch up.
So, what are your mates doing here? And why did they bring their parents? Yeah, I'm not I'm not entirely Never mind.
How are you, Aidan, how have you been keeping, how do you feel, in in yourself? II'm fine.
- You're fine.
You're sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.
Why do people keep asking me that? Because you've been getting wrecked and acting the maggot, Aidan.
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
OK, thank you, Bronagh.
The thing is, we're just a wee bit concerned, mate.
Look, Aidan, enjoying a beer or two is one thing, but once I've done a wee bit of a selection.
There's cheese, cheese and tomato, and tomato.
Here you go.
You don't even want to know what they cost me.
You could but a house in Belfast for the price of a bun in this place.
Yeah.
So.
Having a beer or two is one thing, but once you start thinking that without alcohol you won't have a good time Right, let's crack this bad boy open! Niamh, we are not drinking! But that means we won't have a good time.
Aye, we have to have one or two to be social, Packy.
Packy, we're on our holidays, catch a grip of yourself, like.
Hello, Aidan.
Hello, Conor.
It's been a long time.
Indeed it has.
Nice hat.
Thank you.
No problem.
Right, you, kitchen, now! Aidan, you might be beating the drink into you, but you're looking well on it.
Thanks.
I have a proposition for you.
Two words.
Rafferty's Rides! He's still wearing it.
He's still fucking wearing it! - That's enough now, Conor.
- No, Packy, he's enough.
Well that doesn't make any sense, but fair play.
I mean, I was good enough to lend it to him because it was raining - and he claimed to have frizzy hair.
- No.
Our Aidan's hair would get frizzy, like, really, really frizzy.
How could he abuse my trust like that, Packy? It's my favourite hat! It just looks like a plain black cap to me, mate.
Oh, it's fucking stunning, and I want it back! No! Listen to me, Conor, you're not to be mentioning that hat tonight.
But it's my hat, Packy! It's not about the hat.
But it's just sitting there.
On his actual head! Conor, he's also wearing a fucking England shirt.
There's more serious shit going on here.
But it's my Don't say hat again.
Hat.
Please, mate, this is a really tricky situation.
Help me out here, don't make this worse.
Bury the hat.
OK.
Good.
Because when I confront him about his addiction he could get emotional.
He might even get angry.
I need to treat so carefully, he's clearly in a very dark place right now.
Whoo-hoo! Bollocks.
So now, you'd have to deduct for expenses and stuff, but for one night's work you're looking at coming away with something like that.
God, that's not bad at all.
And that's cash in hand, is it? Yes.
- Love, I'm not sure about this.
- Don't you concern yourself, love.
Listen, Chris, it's perfectly natural to feel nervous at first.
But you don't even have to go the whole way.
It could be as simple as taking the lady out for dinner and just, you know, getting a bit of flirting pumping.
I don't want to get anything pumping.
Now, I'm not just saying this, Chris, but you're not a bad looking fella for your age.
If you got rid of thon beard and undid a couple of buttons, maybe lost the slipper shoes you'd fucking clean up, I'm telling you.
You should listen to her, love.
Now, Aidan, before I say this, I want you to know that the only reason I'm saying it is because I have to say it.
I'm not saying it will mean I didn't say it, which isn't to say that if it isn't said What was I saying? Are you steaming? No! The thing about drink is, well, it gets you drunk, Aidan.
It gets you drunk drink.
Packy, come on, you know how hard it is to live with the twins.
Sure, you have to be half cut just to listen to them.
But that's not the real issue is it, Aidan? What's the real issue? You're wearing an England shirt.
So? We don't do that, mate.
We just don't do that.
English people wear England shirts and Irish people wear Ireland shirts.
That's just the way it is.
Why does it have to be like that? Look, I don't make the rules This fella's fond of wearing things that he shouldn't be wearing, aren't you, Aidan? Now, Conor, what did I say? Sorry.
Just take that thing off.
Come on, now.
- I'm not taking it off.
- You are, mate.
You'll feel better once you do, I promise.
You're going to take that one off and you're going to put this one on.
What's going on? Your da's thinking about joining my escort agency.
I'm sorry.
It sounded a bit like you said my father was thinking about joining your escort agency.
- Look, Bronagh, if he wants to do it - I don't want to do it.
You might want to do it.
Look, Niamh, selling my da's body is crossing a line, now.
Ach, Bronagh, don't be so dramatic.
He doesn't even have to go the whole way.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Has she been drinking white wine? - She's had a bit, yeah.
- Bronagh, it's not a big deal.
It is a big deal! It's a very big fucking deal! Don't you raise your voice to Niamh! - She's the daughter I never had.
- What are you talking about? You do have a daughter! I'm your daughter! Oh, Christ.
This again.
Oh Come on.
Just put the top on.
Yeah, come on, Aidan.
Just put the top on and take the hat off.
I don't want to.
- You do.
- I don't.
- You do.
- I don't.
I support England now.
- You don't! - I do.
- You don't! Aidan! I'm trying to be patient here because you're obviously not well.
- I'm fine.
- You're not.
- I am.
- You're not.
- I am - Stop it! - Just swap shirts! - No! Piss off! Get him, Conor! Grab him, hold him down! You sneaky bastard! The shirt, Conor! The shirt! For the love of God, forget the hat and focus, man! All right, Aidan.
Enjoying your intervention? No, I'm not.
My whole family are fucking mental.
- Dry your eyes.
Mine are worse.
- I'm serious.
Packy needs a good, hard boot to the ball sack.
Listen, dickhead.
Today, Conor asked me if dolls feel pain.
So if you think you're gonna win some sort of Whose Brother Is The Biggest Bell End Competition, you can think again! Oh, no-no-no-no, I wasn't suggesting that Conor isn't a cock.
I mean, he clearly is.
I wasn't trying to offend you, Bronagh.
- Good.
- It's hard to explain.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not one of them.
Sometimes I feel a bit like You know that fella in Broclough who was raised by chickens? This is mad.
Sometimes, I feel jealous of the fella in Broclough who was raised by chickens.
Oh, sorry.
Do you mind if I keep this on? You you want to keep it on? It's not so much that I want to.
I've just made such a song and dance about never taking it off.
And it really annoys the brothers, so Well, if I didn't fancy you before What the fuck! You dirty, filthy pervert! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm just reclaiming what is rightfully mine, fucko! I cannot believe the nerve of you.
The nerve of me? I'm not the one who's been rocking about in another man's headgear.
That's my hat, Conor! It's my fucking hat! - Are you for real? - No, it's not.
I lent it to you, because of your stupid, frizzy hair! No! I lent it to you first.
The only way I could get it back was to borrow it.
I had to borrow my own fucking hat back.
Oh, a likely story! It's not even a nice hat.
- It's lovely! - It's lovely! - Oh, great! - What's going on? I got my hat back, Packy, that's what's going on.
Admit it.
It looks far better on me.
Jesus, Bronagh, this is supposed to be an intervention.
His intervention.
Are you trying to ride a man at his own intervention? No, of course not! Well, sort of.
A bit, maybe.
Yeah.
Just getting him bucked there, are you, Bronagh? No, I'm not getting him bucked.
I was trying to get him bucked but I couldn't because my brother is king of the spastics! Well, you may get stuck in while you can.
For once he's on my books, I'll have to charge you.
Give it back to me.
I'm serious.
All right, Bronagh, love.
Oh, sweet Jesus! This isn't what you think.
Mammy, he stole my hat.
And now he's trying to say it's his! What a wee bastard! Oh, is this not bothering you at all then? Fair enough.
- It is mine! - You're a liar, Aidan.
I bought him that hat.
You Kennedys have always been a bit fly.
Jesus Christ, it's just a fucking baseball cap! Rafferty's Rides will all wear hats.
- They'll be Pats in Hats! - I'm taking it back.
Oh! Oh, you're gonna take it back, are you? Yeah, I'm gonna take it back.
I'm gonna take it off your very head.
You lay one finger on him and I'll fucking floor you! Just try me! Hmmm, no, Mammy, it looks like Packy's made a complete balls of it.
And I think he might have been drinking, Mummy.
Well, this has been a roaring success.
Packy, stop being such a big pair of knickers.
You shouldn't have done it, Bronagh.
He's not well.
He's an alcoholic.
Ach, who isn't? And he's my brother.
- You and my brother, it's - What? - weird.
- Why's it weird? Why's it weird, Packy? Doesn't matter.
It was just so brilliant.
I had an absolute ball.
It was a cracking wee day, now.
So, when's the next one? Intervention? Soon, I imagine.
It's all bollocks.
Sure, everybody's an addict these days.
These dickheads who check themselves into rehab cos they had a Tia Maria once need a good, hard slap.
Aye, it wasn't like it was years ago.
No, like Georgie Best, Ollie Reed, these lads had to earn their strips.
They didn't just wake up one day and go, "I'm an addict.
" They had to fucking work at it.
Everything comes too easy these days.
It's disgraceful.
People are trying to fix themselves before they're even broken.
- It's like therapy.
- Don't even start me about therapy.
I went to therapy once.
No, that was a job interview, mate.
Oh, that's right.
See, as far as I'm concerned, this - what we're doing right here, right now, this is the only therapy anybody ever needs.
People should just talk to each other.
You know, listen to each other.
That's so true.
And I also think if Fuck up, Conor.
It's your round.