Lunch Monkeys (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

This programme contains some strong language.
So, um, I was wondering if we might go for that little drink that you keep promising.
I'm snowed under, what with the move and everything.
Oh, you look smart, Tania.
Skirt's a bit short.
(LAUGHS) I wanted to look the part tonight, for when I'm supervising.
She means she'll have her feet up with a magazine and a brew.
Well, monkey see monkey do.
Remember, it is that vital you get everything finished tonight.
The painters are in first thing.
Ah.
I wondered why you were in such a bad mood.
Make sure all the work stations are set up and everything is covered.
We don't want any accidents, now, do we? Otherwise, we might end up suing YOU, hey, Tania! It's OK, Mike.
Every minute's been planned in my itinerary.
Ooh, get you with your big words.
Itinerary! I bet she can't spell it.
(LAUGHS) Now, you finish this move tonight and we'll see about that promotion, all right? Don't worry.
This is Tania.
I am Mrs Organisation.
My middle name is organising.
I thought it was Denis.
Denise.
Oh, is that how you say it? All it takes is the right leader and this team will work perfectly.
Shh! Don't say anything.
Darrel's still not found me yet.
I've been in here for ages.
Best of luck, Tania.
(LAUGHS) And the last thing they ever saw was the face of the devil child as he ate their brains.
And do you know how I know that happened? Did the devil child eat your brains? No.
Oh, my God! It's YOU! You're the devil child.
Darrel's the devil child.
Yes.
It was me.
(LAUGHS EVILLY) I'm putting the light on.
DARREL AND SHELLEY LAUGH Boo! BOTH SCREAM Right, you lot, playtime's over.
We need to get working, there's loads to do.
It's not fair.
Why do we have to stay late and do all this? I wanna go home.
Scared the ghosts will get you? IMITATES GHOSTLY MOAN Don't joke, Darrel.
This building IS haunted.
Is it really? Oh, yeah.
Old caretaker used to bury his victims down in the cellar, crawl around in the old roof space, watching the office juniors, just waiting for them to stay late and then Wham! The pop group? Screwdriver.
Kill 'em with it.
No way.
You're making it up.
I don't like it.
All his victims were young boys from the post room.
I wouldn't worry.
I mean, he only went for virgins.
Work! What? Oh, great(!) That's all I need.
Someone up there really hates me.
That'll be Gloria.
I'll ring Mike.
No, don't ring Mike.
I'll sort it.
Oh.
The things I do for you.
SHE LAUGHS Room for a little one? What's up with you? I haven't said anything yet.
I split up with Swanny.
Oh Right.
So you're back on the market, then? Darrel, I've just split up with me boyfriend.
I'm really upset.
Oh, come here.
Get off.
Sorry.
You want a hanky? Is that snot? No.
That's old milk, I think.
THAT'S snot.
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Oh, God.
Not now! Imagine if the lift got stuck.
How good would that be? Me and you stuck in the lift.
We'd be here all night.
We'd have to huddle together for warmth.
I'd rather freeze.
We might die together.
That would be romantic.
Darrel, I am warning you.
You are that close Shh! It's fate, is this.
Me and you stuck in a lift.
Both single.
Darrel, I've just split up with my boyfriend.
For once in your life, can you be nice and think of someone else, yeah? Who? You mean you? Sorry, yeah.
Do you want some chocolate? Girls like chocolate.
I've had half.
Bit melted.
Mmm.
Whoof! Ooh, you've got a great arse.
Oh, cheers, mate.
Not you, dickhead.
Blondie here.
You know, you're fitter than Jordan.
Krakatoa! Charlie, I thought you were gonna try, you know Oh, sorry.
I didn't even realise.
It's like a form of Tourette's.
What are you doing here, anyway? I'm moving the office, remember? I'm in charge.
My promotion.
This is my chance to get on.
I'd like to get on you, baby.
Charlie.
Sorry.
I'll leave you two alone.
I'm off for a fag.
Oh, no, there's no time for fags.
It is nice to see you, though.
Nice to see you.
Come here.
Oh.
You are so dirty.
Charlie, put that girl down.
You don't know where she's been.
Come on, you.
Let's mosey.
Charlie, are you going out? Yeah, yeah.
Client do.
Bit of the old free vino.
A bit too much, knowing you.
She can talk! Octopus girl, huh? Gets a bit frisky when she's sloshed.
Charlie, not in front of the post girl.
How's your herpes? Uh Will I see you later? Oh.
Well, I don't know what time this gig's gonna finish, so Well, you know, I'd better dash, cos I've got a Chinese banquet out there with my name on it.
SHE SIGHS ELECTRICITY CRACKLES SHE SCREAMS ELECTRICITY CRACKLES You all right? Hi.
I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, Charlie, you're not still shitting on your own doorstep, are you? If I was dipping my wick in the company ink, I'd be choosing a darker fluid.
Kilimanjaro.
LEE ANN LAUGHS See you.
Have a good night .
.
you big twat.
What are you doing? Thinking about lesbians.
Those are Lee Ann's files.
She was one of the lesbians.
Lee Ann's not a lesbian.
My mind, my lesbian orgy.
Well, try telling it to concentrate on work.
Lee Ann's stuff goes over there with the other litigation files.
No-one told me.
It's on the itinerary.
I haven't got an itinerary.
Oh! Oh, look! Itinerary.
How confusing for you(!) You'll have to take 'em out and stick 'em in there.
That's what I said to the mind-lesbians.
Well, it's all dead now.
That's dead.
ASIF MUMBLES Asif, wake up.
That woman's coming.
I'm not asleep! Oh! Does the verb "to clean" mean anything to you? Yeah, I've heard of it, yeah.
These desks are filthy.
Get 'em cleaned.
Right Ew! Not like that! Go and get some cleaning stuff.
Oh, there'll be some in the basement in the cleaner's cupboard.
OK, Asif, you go and get the cleaning stuff.
I'm not going down there! There'll be ghosts! There's no ghosts.
What about the serial killer caretaker? He doesn't exist.
Kenny made him up.
Or did I? (TUTS) I don't know who to believe.
I'll just go with you You're not both going.
That's a waste of resources.
Is that all we are to you now, just resources? It's a sad day.
OK, Kenny, you go and get the cleaning stuff.
Asif I'm not staying here on my own.
He'll be up there now, watching.
He likes young boys, remember? And I'm a vir very young boy.
I don't understand what your problem is.
Oh, yeah, it's all about you, isn't it? Me, me, me.
Take, take, take.
Well, I've had enough, Swanny.
No, YOU need to grow up.
No, YOU do.
No, y YOU'RE the selfish one.
No, YOU are.
No, YOU are.
DIALLING TONE Tania! That debate really wasn't going anywhere.
(SIGHS) Bloody men.
They wind me up.
Just so immature.
All they want is beer and football.
What about me? What about what I want? What do you want, Shelley? A baby.
A baby?! Oh, it would be so cute.
I'd love a little baby.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean Get back to work.
You should've finished half an hour ago.
Says who? Says my itinerary.
Don't any of you people read? (SIGHS) PHONE RINGS No, YOU are.
No, you I do karate.
I'm a black belt.
I'm mental! SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Oh, please, no.
Oh, God.
CUPBOARD DOOR CREAKS Oh! Who has disturbed my eternal slumber? Please don't hurt me, ghost.
Join me, child.
Join me in theghost world.
Join me in death! I don't wanna die.
I am going to get you! And I only kill virgins.
Kill Darrel, then.
Ooh Darrel! I will eat your (LAUGHS) Did you think I was the caretaker? No.
You should have seen your face.
You shat yourself.
No, I didn't.
A little bit of wee came out, though.
Ohh! Hey, do you want a drink? Have you done them computers yet? Yeah, just now.
Have they all got keyboards, mice? Hey, calm down a bit.
I am calm! You're crushing your drinks carton.
SHE SIGHS Stop being so hard on everyone.
They're working well.
I know what I'm doing, Kenny.
I'm just a bit stressed.
I want to do a good job and everything's going wrong.
Come here.
There's no time for massages.
People just need a bit of carrot with their stick.
I just wanna show everyone what I can do.
Just calm down.
Take deep breaths.
Count to ten.
Just relax.
You're not trying to hypnotise me, are you? (LAUGHING) Kenny is a very handsome man.
You WILL go out with Kenny.
PHONE RINGS SHE GASPS Charlie.
I'mI'm off for a fag.
Kenny! It's a joke.
SHE SIGHS Hey, are you all right? MAN AND WOMAN LAUGHING CHARLIE: Krakatoa! Charlie? Charlie, are you there? ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Hello? Is someone there? CRACKLING CONTINUES Come on.
Come on.
Darrel, is that you? SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY I might have known you lot would be skiving.
Oh, God, I've only just sat down.
You're not paid to sit down.
Oh, I've had enough of this.
You're not the boss of me, Tania.
Actually, I am the boss of you.
Mike put me in charge, remember? Well, you're worse than Gloria.
GASPS And she's better looking.
We are way behind schedule.
Oh, you can stick your schedule up your arse, Tania.
We're on strike.
Are we? Darrel? What she said.
I see dead people.
Right, I'll tell Mike.
You'll all get warnings.
No, Tania.
Mike put you in charge.
So, if it doesn't get done, you'll get a warning.
That is it.
I am sick of you lot.
You're always skiving - if you're not on the phone, you're fantasising about lesbians or scared of ghosts.
It is like looking after a bunch of school kids.
You all just need to grow up and stop being so immature.
Oh, you want mature? Oh, we can be mature.
Shelley, this is ridiculous.
SHELLEY: You're ridiculous.
Take down thisbarricade now.
ASIF: It's not a barricade.
It's a den.
DARREL: I thought it was a fort.
Come out now! SHELLEY: This is a protest.
We're not coming out until you give us what we want.
What do you want? SHELLEY: (What do we want?) DARREL: Dunno.
Why don't you and Tania just kiss and make up? SHELLEY: Shut up.
ASIF: I want ice cream.
DARREL: Yeah, that's good.
First you kiss, then you drip ice cream slowly onto Oh! Arggh! Hello? Tania? Got those pizzas that you ordered.
What? Here you go, mate.
Cheers.
You can sort us out later.
Oh, and you can give us the money.
Thought you could do with a bit of carrot for your stick.
MOUTHS Where is everyone? In there, on strike.
What are you doing? Tania's got us some pizzas.
You coming out? SHELLEY: We're not coming out because you're doing our heads in.
Mmm.
Chicken wings.
SHELLEY: (GASPING) Chicken wings.
All right, well, we've had a little vote now.
It's probably gonna be all right.
INDISTINCT YELLING No, thanks.
I'm sorry for being a dragon.
Have you heard from Charlie? No.
His phone must be on silent.
Well, I hate Swanny.
What's he like, hey? Not letting me have a baby.
So immature.
I'm never gonna talk to him again.
Maybe talking to him is what you SHOULD do.
Here's the trick I use - just apologise to him and then he'll do whatever you want without even realising it.
I'm sorry, Tania, I just never apologise.
All I'm saying is, don't just throw it all away.
Thanks, Tania.
Well, better get back to work.
Me boss is a nightmare.
BOTH LAUGH Am I really worse looking than Gloria? No! About the same.
Right.
You're not having the last box of wings.
They're not for me, fat boy.
It's not fat, it's muscle.
Punch me.
No! I'll hurt you.
I'm trained.
I do karate.
I don't feel pain.
Go on.
You sure? You've got a girl's arms, anyways.
No, I haven't.
Punch me.
All right.
Ohh! Oh! The stomach, not the face! Oh, right.
Sorry.
HE GROANS FLOORBOARD CREAKS Back off.
What? I've not done anything.
Yet.
♪ Look what I've got.
♪ For God's sake, I've told you! I don't want to see your white-eared little elephant, of whatever you wanna call it.
I brought you some wings.
Thought you might still be hungry.
So you're not gonna come onto me? No.
Really? Yes.
It's OK.
Just being nice.
Oh, no.
What's wrong with me? Rejected by Darrel.
Right.
What else? Do you want a hand with these files? Oh, cheers, Darrel.
So, can I get off with you now? No.
Just out of interest, how many files WOULD it take for me to get off with? Oh! Feels so good.
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Oh, no.
Not again.
This would be very inconvenient! Please don't be a ghost.
Please don't be a ghost.
SIGHS WITH RELIEF ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Oh.
SCREAMING Swanny, I'm sor I just wanna say I'm What's that? I just really wanna apo What's that? What's that? It's right.
You can have a baby.
I'm not bothered.
Really? I'll give you one now if you want.
Have you nicked one? No.
Oh.
Oh, Swanny, you're so lovely.
I love you.
Aw.
Come on, then.
I've gotta make it back for last orders.
OK.
Hey, Charlie.
It's me.
I hope you're having a nice time.
Can you give me a ring back when you get this message? I miss you.
Bye.
Grr! You shouldn't creep up on people like that.
How should you do it, then? SHE SIGHS I wish he'd ring.
Tania, are you sure you can trust him? Why do you say that? I don't know.
Just him and Lee Ann and Him and Lee Ann are just mates.
People can be just mates and not have sex, you know? Seriously? Just what's your problem with him? Just I worry about you.
I'm worried you'll get hurt.
Kenny, I'm a grown woman.
I can look after myself.
I don't need you looking out for me.
Them pizzas were nice, though, weren't they? Well, maybe I do a little bit.
But I really like Charlie.
We've been through a lot together.
And, well, we're engaged.
All right.
OK, I won't mention it again.
It's OK.
And thanks for helping me tonight.
I couldn't have done it without you.
Well, just split the pay rise when you get promoted, yeah? SHE LAUGHS No.
GIGGLING Someone there? BOTH: Shh! SHELLEY GIGGLES Do you want a picture, or something? Sorry, I'll just, um I'll be back up in a minute, Darrel.
Just to let you know, interpersonal relations in the workplace are strictly against company policy.
You can't knob at work.
I don't make the rules, mate.
Jesus! I want some of what you're on.
Oh, Kenny, I'm so happy.
Love really is the best drug.
It's debatable.
I got back with Swanny.
Commiserations.
I know, it's brilliant.
Moving in on my bird, are you, dick-face? Oh, it's not what it looks like.
Although, I do have a semi.
It's all right, Swanny.
He's just me mate.
You're a cocky get, you, aren't you? Got something on your shirt, man.
Oh, it's a brain cell.
It must have died of loneliness.
Eugh! Swanny, stop it! And you, you little slag! Soon as I'm out of the room, you're getting off with this knobhead.
Go back to your posh set solicitor mates! I've got him.
Don't you hit my mates.
Get off! He can't get me.
He can't get Ohh! Shelley, what's he doing here?! You told me to get back with him.
Jesus! Not now! Everyone just needs to calm down.
Swanny, you need to get out.
Now.
And you're gonna make me, are you? Come on, then.
I'll have the lot of you.
I'll trash this place as well.
Stop him! SHELLEY: Swanny! I smell piss.
That would be me.
The brown Jackie Chan.
Kung fu master.
Even though I've wet myself twice today I will still destroy you.
You have attacked my friends and Darrel.
CRACKING KNUCKLES Prepare to die.
Argggh! Get him! He's got me balls! No, that's me.
Let go, then! Oh, yeah.
And there's more where that came from.
Shut the door.
He's coming back.
Wankers! It's freezing down here.
Oh, my God.
This is what happened last time.
What are you on about? Well, it got really cold then the lights started to flicker.
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Like that? Yeah, that's when I saw the ghost.
What ghost? The serial killer caretaker.
Shut up! There's no such thing as ghosts.
Look at him.
He's scared.
Pack it in, I'm not scared.
Why should I be scared? I know kung fu.
Kung fu won't work on ghosts.
Your hand'll go right through.
Oh, shit, yeah.
Yeah.
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES FOOTSTEPS APPROACH BOTH SCREAM BOTH YELL INDISTINCTLY KENNY: Everything OK, boss? Brilliant.
I can't believe we're finished.
It's not even midnight.
You're all stars.
I'm going to do one last sweep, check everything's done, then we'll go to the pub.
Drinks are on me.
Nice one.
PHONE RINGS Hiya, babes.
Hello? MOANING Charlie? CHARLIE: Oh, baby, you're so sexy.
Oh, I am doing it to you.
Yes, I am.
That's good, baby.
Mmm.
Real good.
Ooh, that's dirty, dirty, dirty.
LEE ANN: Oh, God.
Oh, God, yes! Yes! CHARLIE: Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Good, baby.
Mmm.
Think about cricket.
Think about cricket! Holding it off Oh! Harder, Charlie.
Harder! Harder.
Oh, yes.
Yes! CLATTERING CHARLIE: Oh, God.
CHARLIE: Ohh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Hiya! Kraka-fucking-toa! CHARLIE AND LEE ANN SCREAM Night, boss.
I'm never gonna trust a man again.
Just try not to trust massive bell ends.
I thought he liked me.
He seemed so nice and charming.
No, he seemed like a massive bell end.
SHE SIGHS How can you spot the horrible ones? There's usually little signs.
Krakatoa.
Are you a massive bell end? Yeah.
Sorry, I thought you said, "Do you HAVE a massive bell end?" BOTH LAUGH Hello? Someone there? Kenny? Where have they gone? You don't think BANGING BOTH SCREAM Did well tonight.
You didn't do too bad yourself bell end.
I do like you, you know? I know.
Did you hear something? No.
Why don't you go and check it out? No way.
Oh! I definitely heard something then.
Have you gone cold? I have now.
Do you think it's a ghost? ASIF: Ghost.
There's a ghost! There's a ghost.
The caretaker is real.
He's gonna kill us.
We gotta go.
Run! It's true.
I saw him.
I bloody saw him.
Something in the cupboard too.
That's him.
WHIMPERS COUGHS All right? I fixed them lights for you, Tania.
Fuse boxfull of bloody ice-pop wrappers.
Thanks, Brian.
DARREL: Brian?! You idiot.
It's not my fault.
He does look like a ghost.
He still might be.
INDISTINCT CHATTER SHE SQUEALS God! Your head's too fat.
Not.
Morning, Mike.