Not Dead Yet (2023) s01e10 Episode Script

1
I couldn't believe
she was still chugging.
I couldn't believe
she was still standing.
[BOTH CHUCKLING] What's funny?
You know I enjoy a mirthful shenanigan.
We just went out drinking
with Nell last night,
and things got a little crazy.
Nell did the legendary "Longest Island."
It's when the bartender
combined all the remains
of other peoples' drinks
and Nell chugged it.
Charming.
Well, I'm just so happy to hear
that you all had a fun night.
I'm sorry we didn't invite you.
It was just kind of a
spur-of-the-moment, fun kind of thing.
I mean, for future
reference, I, too, am fun.
I mean, I can be very fun.
You! Aren't I fun?!
So fun, boss. No one's as fun as you.
See? He agrees.
So, is that why Nell's a little late?
- Is she hungover?
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Well, what's funny now?
Uh, no, Nell doesn't
really get hungover.
No, she's like Wolverine,
except for the only part of her
that's indestructible is her liver.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- Oh.
- Ooh.
Ah. Ah.
Hey.
Babe, you okay?
Uh, I got a cold. I'm
more mucus than woman.
Oh, after drinking the
remnants of revolting strangers.
Shocking.
Girl, just take the day off.
No, no, I gotta do that poet's obituary.
- Obituary.
- Ugh.
Words for the mortuary.
Topiary, statuary.
We are but solitary.
Yeah, like, I need to
finish it immediately.
Nell, as your boss, I must
insist that you go away
and be disgusting in your own home.
Home! False haven of wood and plaster.
Membrane-thin illusion of security.
Okay. Bye, guys.
[ALL] Bye.
[SNEEZES]
Oh, don't. Don't touch it!
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- [SNEEZES] Sorry.
- Gross!
♪♪
Gloomy woman surrounded by
artifacts of a lonely life.
Do you mind? I'm almost
finished with your obituary, so
Cold, small bed that
has seldom seen a lover.
Okay, also, you know, I'm congested
and my head is pounding,
so if you could be quiet
- Quiet!
- Ugh.
Five isolated letters,
but only two matter "U" and "I."
And send. Ah.
- Ugh! I knew it.
- Huh?
- I knew it.
- Knew what?
When I placed that ad for a roommate,
I said to myself "Hey, Champ"
I call myself "Champ" in my head
"you do know that
you're extremely cautious
- about germs, right?"
- Edward.
"And when you invite a
stranger into your home,
she's gonna bring sickness, bacteria,
and disease like a feral raccoon."
Okay, starting to feel mean.
I can't get sick, Nell.
What What Wha What the hell?!
I'm gonna need you to
quarantine in your room.
What? No, that is insane.
Okay? W-What if I want some toast?
Then take the bread.
Ed Hey! Wait, wait, wait!
What if I have to pee?
Or the other thing?
- Hold it.
- What?! Edward!
You need to stay in your room
until you've tested negative
for all of everything.
Aah! Agh!
[SNEEZES]
Oh, no.
Champ.
SAM: Bologna and Skittles again?
They're not even
Skittles. They're Skattles.
I'm saving money for the adoption,
and [SIGHS] it is no joke.
- When's the last time you asked for a raise?
- Two years.
I'm trying to muster up
the courage to ask Lexi,
but every time I do, I break
into this weird English accent.
- Here you are.
- [BRITISH ACCENT] 'Ello, love.
Huh.
I'm not sure about this restaurant.
The floors are very dingy
and the overhead lighting is terrible.
You know that this isn't
a restaurant, right?
Goof! [LAUGHS]
I was making a joke,
because I'm fun! How 'bout it?
Speaking of fun, why don't
we blow this nerd stand
and go to my private club for lunch?
Lexi, we know you're fun.
You don't have to prove anything to us.
Well, I think it's bloody brilliant.
Excellent.
Sam?
I would love to. I just
have so much work to do,
so I'm just gonna stay
here and eat my sandwich.
- [GRUNTS]
- My Boar's Head!
Listen, you're lucky to
be friends with the boss
because the boss decides how
much you do and don't work.
So, come on. Please join me.
I'll make sure the chef prepares
something very special for you.
Well, I am starving, and I
did make a promise to myself
that I wouldn't retrieve
food out of the garbage,
so I guess we are going to the club.
Wonderful. And don't worry
about the dress code.
I'll just tell them that
you're visiting from Boise.
♪♪
Ugh.
[DOOR OPENS]
You did this to me.
- Did what?
- I'm with disease!
Did you ever consider
that maybe you got me sick?
Yeah, I thought about it.
But then I realized I woke
up this morning feeling fine,
and now I feel like poo.
Please, Edward, I just
wanna be left alone.
- I'll leave you alone.
- Thank you.
- But first, I want
- Ugh!
chicken noodle soup, tea with honey,
and your heated blanket.
I'm sick.
Can you maybe call
somebody else to baby you?
I don't have a girlfriend anymore.
And I'm an independent contractor,
so I don't have any coworkers.
And I'm particular about
my social circle, Nell.
Fine, fine! Man-baby.
[WHIMPERS]
Wow. Well, that was
the best 16-course meal
that I've ever had.
I mean, three servings of fowl is
a lot of fowl.
Oh, do wanna see something fun?
That table right there is
where Father and his friends
always choose the next president.
Very cool. So I guess we're done, right?
I mean, unless Dennis has
something on the agenda.
[CONTINUES BRITISH ACCEN
] My schedule is wide open.
Okay. All right. Well,
then I guess we should be heading out.
Wait! The day is young.
There's still so much time
for mirth and tomfoolery.
Lexi, we have been here
for a very, very long time.
I mean, don't you want to go
home and continue this with Tanner?
Oh, I can see Tanner anytime. Ah!
Why don't we go to that bar
that you went to with Nell?
We can get one of
those backwash cocktails
that she was so fond of. Huh?
Yeah, I think that we're
just gonna call an Uber.
♪♪
There. I set the temperature,
your lime Jell-O is on the nightstand,
and I tucked you in like a burrito,
exactly how you wanted.
It's like the duvet cover
is a friendly python.
Cool. May I go to my bed now to be alone
and heal my body in silence?
- You may.
- Thank you.
Nell!
Yes, Edward?
Could you please keep the
door open just, like, a smidge?
A little more.
Maybe a little more.
That's too much. Can
we start over, please?
[MOANS]
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Ugh!
Ugh.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
- No, no-no-no-no, no!
- [OBOE PLAYS]
Sounds sweet to my ears, Bill.
Thanks, Susie. Hey, did you hear the one
about the two dead musicians?
They were decomposing.
[LAUGHS] Bill, you
are such a character.
Guilty as charged.
[BLEEP] my life.
[NORMAL VOICE]
Nelly-Nell, how you feeling?
You sent me an assignment?
Because you can't put a
price on how hard I work.
Or can you? [LAUGHS]
Susie and Bill Irving.
They were married high
school music teachers.
40 wonderful years
enriching the lives of
children in Pasadena.
Sadly, they were crushed moving
a grand piano up a flight of stairs.
Always go with the professional movers.
Lesson learned.
But you sent this to
me now, when I'm sick?
Just rest up and work on it
when you're feeling better.
Sing legato, fa-la-la-la-la ♪
Sing stac-ca-to, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
That's not how this works, Dennis.
All right, talk to you later. Bye.
- [SNEEZES]
- You don't look so good.
We've seen a lot of kids get
sick during our teaching years,
and if there's one thing we know,
it's that the best medicine is
- Not music.
- [BOTH] Music!
- Oh, God.
- This hit, that ice cold ♪
Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold ♪
Stop, stop, stop.
I-I just need to finish this
obituary so I can get some rest.
How about you two tell
me about yourselves, yeah?
Why don't How did you two meet?
- This is a great story.
- [GIGGLES]
Well, we met at the Oberlin
Conservatory of Music.
Humblebrag. [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
- And I fell for this man the moment
I saw that little braid
on the nape of his neck.
When she cleaned her
trombone spit valve,
my heart was a goner.
You know, our dream
was to join the symphony
and travel the world.
In fact, we auditioned for
the London Symphony Orchestra,
but it just wasn't in the cards.
But it doesn't matter,
'cause we spent decades
teaching kids songs like this.
Two, three, four.
- Girls, hit your hallelujah ♪
- Hoo!
- Girls, hit your hallelujah ♪
- Hoo!
- Girls ♪
- I got it. I got it. I
Uh, I just need to concentrate
so that I-I can write this.
Is that okay?
Absolutely. Understood.
- Thank
- Girls, hit your hallelujah ♪
Hoo.
Ah! Our driver should be arriving now.
Are you Lexi?
License plate 499PCE.
This is our ride.
Is that Tina driving a party bus?
It's my side hustle.
My boss doesn't pay me very much.
I requested a silent ride.
How do I know where to go?
Duh-duh. It's in the app.
- Whatever.
- Lexi, what is happening?
Fun is happening.
Oh, Sam.
It's so rare we get to
shirk our responsibilities
and spend time together.
And you're here, too.
Climb aboard the fun bus!
This is weird.
I mean, I know Lexi's
always felt sensitive
about our friendship with Nell,
but she's never acted out vehicularly.
But this is the nudge that I need.
Just get a couple of drinks in me,
and then I'll ask Lexi for that raise.
- Why do you always have to make it about you?
- Because it is about me!
Fine.
[SNIFFLES, GROANS]
[BOTH GIGGLING]
No, no, no!
Okay, I just e-mailed Emma Cornish.
I think it'll be really nice
to have a quote from someone
who knew you both from Oberlin.
Emma Cornish. Well, that's silly.
We just told you
everything about ourselves.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Oh, h-hold on.
It's my boss.
Hey, Lexi.
Nell, wonderful. How are you feeling?
Oh, it just
I actually feel like my throat
is starting to close up
Great, great, great, great.
Yeah, I'm with Sam and
Dennis, and we are par-ty-ing.
But we, um we don't
want the fun to stop,
so what's something fun that
you've all done together?
[SNEEZES] I, uh Oh,
when we were in our 20s,
we we went to, um,
a last-minute road trip
to Vegas and we, like,
blasted a bunch of
music on the way, and
Get well soon. Bye.
[BEEPS]
[SIGHS, SCOFFS]
[GASPS]
Could you maybe not talk
to Emma Cornish about us?
Why not?
Because Emma was part
of something in my past
I'd like to remain in my past.
It's important that
Susie doesn't find out.
No. Ew.
- Shh.
- Seriously?
Ugh! You couldn't keep
your oboe in your pants?
- EDWARD: Nell!
- Ugh.
I have to go and take
care of another gross man.
Blech.
- [SNEEZES]
- Yes?
Could you please put a little
bit of vapor rub on my chest?
Do it the way my mom used to.
Oh, sure, yeah.
Here, let me start
with your nipples. No.
Well, can I at least get some aspirin?
And if you could find the
time, a little less attitude?
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Ah!
- Sam, hi.
- [DANCE MUSIC BLASTING]
- SAM: Babe, hi.
- Wait,
why do you sound like
you're inside a slot machine?
I don't know how to accurately
describe where I am right now.
Having fun?
So much fun.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
There's something I've
been meaning to ask you.
Yes, Dennis.
[BRITISH ACCENT] I'd like
a few more quid for me yearly.
Squid?
SAM: I mean, did you tell
Lexi to take us to Vegas?
- 'Cause
- What?
I can't hear you.
I said did Wha What are you doing?
Well, there's just so much
to see on the way to Vegas,
and I don't want you
to miss a minute of it.
Well, instead of this, why don't we go
on a couple's trip
with our husbands, okay?
But on a weekend, not a Tuesday.
There's the world's tallest thermometer,
did you know that, huh?
There's also this
little Mexican hideaway
I've been hearing so much
about called Del Taco.
Karaoke! Let's sing "Total
Eclipse of the Heart."
Lexi, you have to turn this bus around.
Oh, we're having fun.
We can't turn around.
Turn around ♪
[CHUCKLES] Who chose this song?
Please stop trying to
compete with Nell, okay?
We have a different dynamic
with our friendship, and that is fine.
Come on, you take over.
You know the words.
Just stop! Lexi, stop, okay?
Because I don't want to sing karaoke.
I don't want tacos. I
don't want to go to Vegas.
- Well, Sam, I-I just wanted to
- I know.
You just want us to
have a good time, okay,
but this is not how you do it.
You do not kidnap your
friends and hold them hostage
to prove that you are a good time.
Tina, please take us home.
Can I ask who's handling the gratuity?
My mama made me mash my M&M's ♪
I cried ♪
Hey, so, uh,
I heard from your friend
Emma, and it was great.
I mean, she said that you
both were great musicians,
and she even offered you a spot
on the London Symphony Orchestra, so
why didn't you just tell
me that earlier, Bill?
Wait a second. Emma
offered us chairs in the LSO?
And you kept it to yourself?
We could've been living
in London and playing
in one of the finest
orchestras in the world?
- Oh, damn.
- I don't remember, but I
guess it doesn't matter
'cause we're dead.
- Right? Pfft.
- 'Cause we're dead?
Oh, Susie Q
You know, I always knew
those lips were talented
at woodwind embouchure,
but I never thought they would
be so gifted at telling lies!
Okay, you want the truth?
[SCOFFS] Why start now?
They didn't want us.
They just wanted me.
They didn't think you were
good enough. That's the truth.
Ooh.
You know what, Bill?
You just crushed me more than our piano.
See, I told you not to go snooping
around. This is all your fault.
- Me?!
- EDWARD: Nell!
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Ugh!
You said you were gonna
get me some aspirin.
I suppose you don't
actually like Nutella, huh?
Oh, here we go.
Ugh. I just wanna get some sleep.
I can't breathe out of my nose. Oy.
SUSIE: You know where
they eat a lot of Nutella?
- London.
- It's widely available in the U. S.
- [SNEEZES]
- Ay!
Ugh! You did this to
me. You need to fix it.
No, I don't!
I don't have to fix anything for anyone!
And it's not my fault
you're so particular
about your social circle
that you have nobody else
in your life to help you!
- [SIGHS]
- [PLAYS OBOE]
Sorry, I thought it
might lighten the mood.
Oboes don't lighten the mood.
Ugh. Ah, ah [SNEEZES]
[GROANS AND SNIFFLES]
Nell, would you please tell Susie
I only wanted to spare her feelings?
Nell, would you please tell
Bill that a solid marriage
is not built on a foundation of lies?
- Mm.
- And also that he's a butt.
[COUGHING]
You looking for something specific?
Other than a time machine to go back
and have you not ruin my
pristine immune system.
I'm just looking for some soup.
Right-hand side.
Right where your eyes hit.
Behind the mixed vegetables.
Right in front of your eyes.
- You're touching it.
- [SIGHS]
- Yep, you got it.
- [COUGHS]
Edward, I'm sorry if I
Since apparently I don't
have anybody in my life
who actually cares about me,
I think I'm just gonna go
eat this in my room alone.
- Eh, uh
- [SLURPS]
Oh.
I really think that you
need to heat that up.
TINA: Thanks for coming. 10%
off for returning customers.
[NORMAL VOICE] Thank you, Tina.
I will tip you tomorrow in Skattles.
Sam, please don't be angry at me.
I am not angry. It's just
I already have a Nell.
Okay, you can just be Lexi.
It's not that.
Then what is it?
It's nothing.
Okay.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Lexi.
- Hi, Nell. I've come to check on you.
Where's the rest of your house?
This is it.
Yes, but why don't
you knock down a wall?
People live on the other side of it.
- Oh, God.
- You know, I'm probably really contagious.
Oh, it's fine.
I never allow myself to get sick.
Um, but while I'm here, I just
wanted to ask you something.
Um, how are you so comfortable
with leading such a garbage life?
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
You can just You
can go ahead and leave.
- I mean it as a compliment.
- Mm.
You're so open and vulnerable,
despite having nothing to be proud of.
Seriously, just get out.
No, I'm sorry. I'm
not wording this well.
Oh, or take a seat, yep.
Do you know why I made Dennis
and Sam hang out with me today?
It's because Tanner
and I are separating.
And tonight is the first
night that Kendall will be
staying over at her father's
new condo, so I, um
I just didn't really want
to go home to an empty house.
Yeah, that sucks.
Sorry, Lexi.
You're the first person I've told.
Why? D-Didn't you just
spend all day with Sam?
I just don't like showing weakness.
But you you're just always
acting as your genuine self.
I mean, even when you smell like
what is that, hot sauce?
I spilled some earlier.
See? Just like that.
That's fairly gross.
You just put it right out there.
I mean, how do you do that?
Do what?
Do Be honest?
You just
You just do it.
And then people judge you.
Or No.
Or they're there for you.
I mean, I've shown a lot of
garbage parts to Sam, and she's
Oh, she's always there for me.
You should try it. I mean,
you should tell her what's going on.
All right. I'll try that.
Okay.
- Thank you, Nell.
- Yep.
Wait, Lexi, you know, also, like, if
If you don't want to be alone tonight,
you can
always stay on this couch.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, Nell.
This bitch.
She's right.
I should've been honest with you.
Bill.
I'm not hurt because I wasn't
offered a job with the symphony.
I'm sad that you
didn't tell me about it.
I can't imagine how
much you've resented me
for keeping you from your dreams.
Oh, hon.
I got to work next to the
woman I loved for 40 years.
That was my dream.
Oh, Bill.
Oh, Susie Q.
Oh, I sort of feel like I'm in the way,
so yeah.
Oh.
Get it.
All right, Bill and Susie.
[CHUCKLES] This is weird.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hmm?
Hey, Champ.
Hmm.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier.
It was, uh, really rude,
and I didn't mean it.
[SNIFFLES]
Ew.
Even though I sometimes
wanna murder you,
I like that you feel
like you can rely on me.
Thanks.
I don't really trust people,
and the fact that I want to lean on you,
it feels like a really big deal to me.
And I know today I was kind of
A snot-filled jerkface.
- No.
- Kind of.
That's not really what it was.
- A little bit.
- I was immature.
And I know it's not your
job to take care of me,
even though, technically,
you're responsible for me being sick.
Anyway, since we're both
suffering from the same cold
I think it's rickets.
- It's not rickets.
- Okay.
Maybe we can take care
of each other from now on.
♪♪
[SNIFFLES] Ugh.
"Susie and Bill Irving were
more than great music teachers.
They were the model of a loving couple.
The Irvings may not have
achieved musical stardom,
but they ended up with
something far greater
A relationship built
on trust, vulnerability,
and learning to be
honest with each other.
Susie and Bill had
something to teach all of us,
not just how to play
Tchaikovsky's Fifth Symphony
on the recorder,
but how to support and love each other."
[BOTH SNEEZE]
- Bless you.
- Bless you.
"That's the kind of beautiful
duet we all should strive for."
♪♪
I have taken on more responsibility,
I'm managing more people,
and my hits are up.
So I just feel like I [COUGHS]
That's an awfully wet
cough you have there.
You know what? I can come back
if you need me to. It's totally fine.
No, now is the perfect time.
I've never felt more physically
fit or mentally present.
So what what is it
that you need, Deborah?
- Um
- [SNEEZES]
- I need a raise.
- [SNEEZES]
And a flu shot.
Yes, yes. Whatever you need.
I'll call accounting right now.
Oh, uh, great.
Well, uh, thank you so much.
[COUGHING]
I'm just gonna go.
[SNORTS]
Ahoy, Skipper.
Yes, tell President Truman
that every Smurf needs a sandwich.