Open All Hours (1973) s02e02 Episode Script

Oh, dear! Granville, fetch a cloth.
I'm doing this.
What makes you think I can be in two places at once? Sometimes you're not even in one place at once! Come and clean this.
It's filthy.
That's enough dirt to fill the Black Hole of Cal--Cal The Black of Hole of Cal--Cal The Black The Hanging Gardens of Babylon! Morning, Granville! Granville, your nerves are bad.
No, it's just me body.
Me nerves are still in bed.
How do you manage to get up every morning? I have to.
I have to earn my living now I'm divorced.
-- Divorced? -- Yeah.
A year ago.
I'm on me own again.
On your own in that big house, eh? No one to talk to.
All those empty echoing beds I mean, rooms.
Not exactly.
I'm living with my mum and dad, and Kenny and Vera.
Remember our Vera? -- That's not on your own.
-- You know what I mean.
Every female I meet is surrounded by relatives.
There's no way you can ever have a quiet discussion.
There must be somewhere.
Not outdoors.
Not this time of year.
Why don't you invite a girl to your place? -- He's always in.
-- He can't be here all the time.
You must be joking.
The last time he spent a night away was in 1957.
-- Where did he go? -- To have his appendix out.
They wouldn't do it when the shop was shut on a Sunday.
Why is he so opposed to going away? Because he's got all his money stashed away inside.
He's guarding the world's most valuable Oxo tin.
Why don't you tell him there's more to life thanmoney? I'd better wait until I've found out what it is.
Come on, Granville.
Don't give me that.
I bet you've been around.
Oh, I've been around.
I've been around here till nine o'clock at night.
By then the talent's either fixed up, washing its hair or gone to bed.
You poor love.
What you need is a sympathetic married woman.
Or, better still, a sympathetic ex--married woman.
Call me.
I will I will! -- What were that c--crash? -- A bottle of milk.
Thank God for that.
I thought it sounded like an escaping Oxo tin.
How can you sleep standing up? I'm not sleeping.
I'm dreaming.
You think life has passed you by, then suddenly something magical happens and you find yourself Sweeping up broken milk bottles.
There's no excuse for tight jeans at her age.
It's just wilful.
She's always been inclined towards -- You know.
-- She gets through a lot of aspirin.
I'm not surprised.
The only one I blame is her mother.
Her mother had the American army during the war.
Not all of them? You'd have thought so if you'd lived next door.
She wasn't even good--looking.
She had a face like a fit.
That's true.
Though I can't quite think what it would have fitted.
Her features never seemed to know the value of teamwork.
Well, ugly or not, she certainly wore out a few Glenn Miller records.
You could hear them playing "In the Mood" and jiving till all hours.
Every weekend you'd find one unconscious in the garden.
Unconscious? What had she done with them? Never you mind.
She lorded it up with her nylons and peanut butter.
Her daughter's the same.
She was seen in a parked car down Cobbet's Lane.
I know.
Someone recognised her shoes through the window! They do say that second child isn't his.
But he doesn't care.
As long as he's got the strength to blow the froth off another barmaid.
And 10p change, Mrs Ble--Ble--Blewitt.
Granville, open the door open the door for MrsMrs Ble You've done it.
Good.
You want to keep away from strong drink and bad women! More important, keep away from bad drink and strong women.
I do keep away.
No one round here more successful at it.
If they gave an award for having nothing to do with women, I'd win second prize after Larry Grayson.
Well after.
You ought to get about more.
Have the odd night off.
If you put all the magistrates in this country nose to tail, would they get a clearer view of their responsibilities? Don't you ever feel like a holiday? The Workers' Revolutionary Party claims that there are concentration camps waiting all over this country.
They must mean Butlins.
You're not getting any younger.
-- Who? Me? -- You think you're going to live forever? I'm going to have a damn good try! There's a great world outside just passing us by.
Not all of them pass us by.
Some of them pop in and hand their money over.
-- That's all you think about, money.
-- I've raised an atheist.
Look, you ought to get away for a night.
Oh, and leave you here with my Oxo tin? You who don't believe in anything.
-- I believe in lots of things.
-- You're an infidel.
I'm not.
I believe in music and art and literature -- You don't believe in anything real.
-- They're real.
No, they're not.
Not to us.
Only to people like teachers who don't have to work for a living.
(BELL JANGLES) You hear that tinkle? That's real.
A little bit more for the Oxo tin.
Go and fetch it.
Good dog, Rover.
Ruff ruff! Morning, Granville.
-- You ought to put your foot down.
-- What? -- Do you both good.
-- What would? -- A change.
-- What are you talking about? Do you know how long it's been since he had a night away? -- 1957.
-- There you are.
He brags about it.
You're right.
I should get him out more.
If we get married, I'll never see daylight! That's right.
You could start slow with maybe one night away some time.
-- But when? -- I don't know.
What about tonight? -- Call that starting slow? -- I can watch the shop.
No.
Mind, tomorrow is my day off.
If we could get him out, we'd have all tomorrow as well.
-- You'd have to be firm with him.
-- It'll be a shock! Our Kath could sleep in and see to me mother.
Will you be all right? I'm not absolutely certain, but I think I'm in with a chance.
Well, I'd b--better take a clean one of everything.
What is everything? What do you need for a night out as an engaged person? Not what you thought you were going to need before she insisted on separate rooms! "Call me", she said.
That's what she said.
"Call me".
With the implication that the minute I put the phone down, she'd be round.
I'm in! I'm in! You're in, Granville, you're in! My God, it's about time.
Why do we need two rooms? What's the point of being engaged if you can't economise a bit? Everyone knows engaged persons only become engaged so they can do their bit to economise a bit.
All over the country, there must be hotels full of engaged persons all busily doing their bit.
Oh I hope she'll be gentle with me.
Course she will.
She's been married.
She knows about these things.
Just take your time.
I want this to be a deeply moving experience.
It's a crucial watershed in a person's life.
A unique blend of gentleness and violence with just a hint of danger.
That reminds me, I must remember to wear my St Christopher.
A clean pair of pyjamas in case I should inadvertently stumble upon the wrong room.
I hope! I'll wear them polka dot ones I had for Christmas.
Oh Oh, no.
I shall look like a woodpecker with acne.
In this space of an hour, how can I turn this into a place fit for a milkwoman? There's no guaranteeing that she'll come round.
What if she's washing her hair? You're not taking that ratty old case? -- Ratty old case? -- Look at it.
-- I've hardly ever used it.
-- It's falling to pieces.
-- I've got an ingenious device for that.
-- Where? Here.
It's called hairy string.
You don't imagine that Nurse Gladys Emmanuel in all her finery is going to be seen with that? -- I had given that some thought.
-- I'm glad.
If I drape me raincoat over me arm, it'll hardly show at all.
-- So you're not getting a new one? -- No, not for separate rooms I'm not.
I don't know what's come over her.
You think you're set up for a normal working day when in she barges, looking like a very attractive heavy goods vehicle and suddenly you're going out for the night.
What brought it all up? Just a whim, I fancy.
Don't worry.
You go and enjoy myself.
I'll look after my end.
That's what's worrying me.
While you're looking after your end, who's minding the shop? -- I am.
-- Suppose there's a crisis? Crisis? It's only a shop, it's not a jumbo jet! "Only a shop", he says! Only a shop! How can I leave it with someone who takes that attitude? Ah ha! The infamous, dreaded Oxo tin! It's heavy, isn't it? Keep your voice down.
Someone might hear! -- Why is it so heavy? -- There's not only p--paper money in there.
There's a few old coins as well.
Solid silver before 1922, you know.
-- You're not taking that with you? -- I'm not leaving it here! You can't take an old thing covered in scratches for a night out with your fiancée! I'm going to! I'm taking me Oxo tin an' all.
-- It's too heavy.
-- It's not.
Po--po--po--poppycock! Me handle's come off now.
I've a good mind to take this case back to where I bought it.
But they were bombed out during the war.
Granville! I can't find a damn thing in here.
Granville! -- What are you looking for? -- Me money belt.
I can't find me money belt.
A money belt? I've never seen you wearing it.
Of course you haven't.
You're not supposed to see people wearing them.
They're supposed to be a secret.
You don't wear them outside your sports jacket.
You kept it a secret, all right.
I thought you just wore your old Oxo tin.
Don't be cheeky.
Help me find it.
It's here.
I've seen it.
-- Right.
When? -- I saw it last Well, a few It must have been 1957.
-- Great! -- I wore it when I had my appendicitis out.
I haven't moved from this house since then.
What's it look like? It looks like a money belt.
It's got this nick in it where the fool surgeon caught it with his scalpel.
You never wore it on the operating table? I had to.
They don't let you stay awake.
-- I'm surprised they didn't rip it off.
-- That's the beauty of this little beggar.
You can't rip it off.
It's got steel wires in it and you lock yourself in with a key.
You don't care how you throw your money around.
Here it is.
I've got it.
Look.
Where are you going to wear that? Round one leg? You've put weight on.
You won't get into that.
Oh, yes, I will.
I'll just have to j--jiggle things a bit.
Supersheen.
Yes.
I like Supersheen.
Good.
Another satisfied customer.
Mind you, I like Sunset Silk as well.
I don't find it easy to decide.
Have you noticed? You're well known for it in the area, Mavis.
Can I make a suggestion? I don't know.
I couldn't listen to anything my husband wouldn't approve of.
-- I didn't mean -- Even if you're married, you're a person.
But I could be wrong.
How did you happen to get married, Mavis? When you had to say yes or no, how did you make your mind up? I told him I'd think about it.
That's not making your mind up.
What was it about him? I liked his clean fingernails.
All right.
But it's a very important decision.
What finally decided you to say yes or no? I thought I was pregnant.
-- And were you? -- No.
You were going to make a suggestion to me.
You don't have to.
I'll understand.
I was just going to suggest about the shampoo.
-- Oh, the shampoo.
-- Aye.
Shall I need the one for dry hair or normal hair? -- You've got normal hair.
-- Do you think so? Yes.
You've got the most normal hair of anybody I've ever met in my life.
-- Oh, Granville! -- Oh, Mavis! Oh, yes? That'll be 16p, thank you, Mavis.
Will there be anything else today? No.
No, thank you, Mr Arkwright.
Mavis, that's yours, that's mine.
Well, can't stand here all day.
-- Just seeing what shampoo suited her best.
-- Oh, yes? Let's hope she doesn't p--pop in for bath salts.
-- Oh! -- What's up? It's a bit nippy in here.
-- I don't find it chilly at all.
-- No.
The money belt's nipping me.
I think you're right.
I have put on a couple of pounds since I wore it last.
I told you it was too small.
Sit down.
No.
I've tried that, it's worse.
It's the coins that make your eyes water.
-- You haven't got those coins in there? -- Solid silver before 1922, you know.
I know exactly where they are now -- under lock and key.
And when I sit down a bit careless, my God, I'm reminded.
You can't take the nurse out walking like that! I'll be all right.
I'll soon get the hang of things.
Oh! I think I'd better rephrase that.
You look like the Hunch--crotch of Notre--Dame.
(HONKS HORN) He won't be a minute! -- What's he doing? -- Finishing off page five.
-- Of what? -- My list of instructions.
-- What have you got there? -- His suitcase.
God, I thought you were taking it to the dustbin.
Cover it up.
Don't let anybody see it.
I'll develop his spending muscle if it kills me.
I hope he's bringing some money.
Don't worry about that.
Boy, is he bringing some money! Now what's he doing? What are you walking like that for? You're getting an old man.
If we're that old, why do we have to have two rooms? We're having two rooms.
Let's go if we're going.
-- You can drive.
-- Oh.
Look after it, Granville.
It's me life's work.
Keep a smile on your face for the customers and something solid to belt the shoplifters with.
Can you pick them up? I'm past it.
Do you think you've pulled something? You, I hope.
I wouldn't want to be going through all this for nothing.
Oh.
That government squeeze is beginning to bite.
-- Now what? -- Mrs Duckenfield's two brown loaves.
Engraved on me heart is Mrs Duckenfield's two brown loaves! Don't forget to lock up properly tonight.
All right, all right.
Remember what I told you, no credit.
Aye, aye! All right! We're going, we're going! Right, then.
We finally got you away from that damn shop.
Well, where are we heading? The Dales? The Lakes? The coast? What are we stopping here for? You wanted a hotel, didn't you? -- Not here.
-- What's wrong with here? It's a very nice class of hotel.
I'll tell you what's wrong with here.
It's not a very nice class of hotel and it's a few hundred yards from your damn shop! Nonsense.
It must be hundreds and hundreds of yards from the shop.
We don't want to be driving all night.
Supposing that Granville needs me back there? I'd go home, only I daren't face Mother.
Come on.
We'll have a nice meal, and later on, if it stays fine, we might fancy a little stroll round your bedroom.
I'm not going anywhere with a bent old man! Look at you! Straighten yourself up.
(PING!) She's coming.
She's coming! I've made a breakthrough into adult pastimes.
Farewell, model aircraft.
I may now never finish that battleship.
Well, that's me lost forever to scouting circles.
No more long lonely walks with me tranny, trying to pretend I'm clued in to the music scene.
Me milkwoman's coming! Oh, my God! She's coming.
What do you say to an ex--married person of wide experience? What have we got in common besides a daily pinta? She may be overflowing with the milk of human kindness, but suppose I lose me bottle? That was a lovely meal.
What are you gazing at in the moonlight with your soulful eyes? Just looking for nightingales, my love.
Nightingales? On a main road in traffic like that? You never know.
Some of them might be commuting.
Maybe it's some other kind of bird! -- It's not.
-- Oh, it's your damn shop! You're fretting about that flaming shop! Go back to it.
I'm going home.
No, don't go home.
I've paid for the night.
-- What are you doing here? -- Not quite as well as you're doing! I'll be back in a minute.
I've left something boiling over.
I'll bet you have! It's no good.
I can't face me mother.
How can I leave you all crippled and twisted like this? I'll sit up with you tonight and tomorrow you're going to the doctor.
(GIGGLING) -- Who's he got in there? -- The milkwoman.
Is it that time already? That's the stuff.
Something to warm her up.
Where is she? -- You've ruined my evening.
-- You're too young.
Where's Nurse Gladys? She's in the lavvy.
Why is she sitting up with you anyway? She thinks I'm a useless old cripple.
She doesn't realise the miraculous cure I'm about to have when I produce the key to unlock myself from this lower abdominal strangler.
The magic key that's Where did I put that magic key? I can't find the key.
Granville, I've lost the key.
-- Leave me alone.
-- You're a nurse.
It wouldn't take long.
All I'd need is a local anaesthetic, like you sitting on my chest.
I'm not performing illegal operations on mean old men.
Wear it and suffer.
Look, I'm Ooh! I've got some lovely little hacksaw blades.
They're a new line.
Just right for removing money belts.
Don't risk it.
I might be tempted to cut you off without a shilling! Nasty.
Oh.
Ooh, that's better.
Now, if I could just slip this back in here without anybody noticing.
Look at that.
It's as good as new.
Which is more than can be said for my anatomy.
I've set myself back a few weeks with Gladys.
Failed to explore an inviting new commodity, as they say in the trade.
Still, it's an ill wind that blows nobody any good.
I caught our Granville just in time before he committed himself to Northern Dairies.
I can't help worrying about that lad.
You don't like to think of anybody that age ruining his life by having more fun than you.