That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006) s02e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
Thanks so much for giving me this opportunity.
No problemo.
We all got a leg-up somewhere along the line.
So this is TV format development.
You'll be expected to do whatever.
Make tea, go out for coffee, photocopying.
Brilliant! This is brilliant! And just through here, we've got the mineshaft.
So you'll divide your time between helping out the development team and digging for coal in the mine.
Er, wow.
I I didn't know you did coal.
Oh, yeah, always done coal.
Everyone needs coal.
Coal, you can rely on.
Coal doesn't turn round and tell you that "Dick And Dom" aren't very BBC3.
- Right.
- Now, you'll need these.
The Blackberry's in case anyone needs a latte urgently, so you can come straight up.
The canary's to tell you if the mine is filling up with poisonous gas, cos if it is, it'll start to die.
Right, OK, I mean, I'm not This is - I really want this job, it's just - Look, this is TV, yeah.
Maybe one day, you'll be researching on "Any Dream Will Do".
But before that, there's a hell of a lot of mining to get through.
Oh, he's off his food.
(Helicopter rotors whir) It's the Helivets! # Collie dogs or marmosets! # Here they come, the Helivets! # - We're the Helivets! - Where's the pet in peril? - And who's the concerned owner? - I am.
Don't worry.
We'll soon have your gerbil scampering hither about his cage again.
It's dead! - Moving around in his sandbath - It's dead! - Chewing up an empty bog roll - It's stiff and smelly.
- We can save him.
- We can't! - Come on.
- We're the Helivets.
# The Helivets! # Well, the important thing when writing a sports movie is not to get too bogged down in the so-called rules of the sport.
Yeah, this was our first film-writing project.
Initially we didn't know where to start, I suppose we just started typing.
Yeah, and luckily there's this pop-up in Microsoft Word that says, "You're trying to write a heart-warming British underdog movie? "Would you like some help?" Then you just enter the names and context.
So we put "Wimbledon", but then it popped up, "There's already a heart-warming British underdog movie called 'Wimbledon', "are you sure you want to replace it?" So we had to think again.
In the end, we almost deliberately went for a sport no one knows much about.
Well, almost deliberately.
Cos as it turns out, some people know quite a lot about cricket.
- Unlike us.
- Yeah.
(Narrator) 'In a time past hope, in a world gone to crap, 'one man had an idea.
' (Northern accent) Lads, look what I found.
Calm down, Arthur.
There's no point getting excited about anything.
The steel mine's closed and we're on the scrap heap.
It's official.
No, but look.
"Earn big pounds playing cricket.
" Well, it sounds fine, Arthur.
But cricket, here in Yorkshire? Don't talk soft.
Did I hear someone say "cricket"? That's a word I've not heard in a long time.
What would you know about cricket? I only used to coach the Manchester United team, the year they won the European Cricket Cup.
But to us you seem like some mad old drunk? That's the other thing about me, apart from knowing about cricket.
It was the Ashes.
I could've won them.
But I bowled a wide.
You bowled a wide in the Ashes final? How can you live with yourself? I know! Enter the Ashes? You takin' the piss? Why not? Arthur's a dab hand with a silly mid-on, and Pete can do follow-ons like no one's ever seen.
Come on, let us enter.
We've got stumps in us blood.
You won't be talking like that when you face West Indies in the 2nd round.
They've won the Ashes every year since they beat the Dallas Cowboys in 1978.
We'll just have to practise our catching and throwing and penalties and that.
Run, run.
10, 10! Come on, lads.
You've got to bat more.
But the bat is so narrow, it's perverse.
(Screams with rage) First rule of cricket: Never call the bat narrow.
What the bat is, is very, very wide and very, very short.
Wow! Carry on bowling, and try and do that thing with your hand and your wrist where you make it bounce funny.
'Welcome to the 200th World Ashes Cricket Cup between West Germany 'and Pisswiddle Steel Batters, from Pisswiddle in Yorkshire.
The Pisswiddle team very much the underdogs, but anyone who saw them beat Yugoslavia in the semis by 400 wickets to 7 runs, all of it for 8, will know that they're not to be underestimated.
And West Germany famously a bunch of cheats.
As ever.
No! What are you doing? Oh, no! Foul! Umpire? Now that it's half-time and it looks like we're about to lose, I want to tell you a story.
I knew a young man who had a dream, a dream to win the Ashes.
Ach, ja, ja, ja! That young man was me.
But he bowled a wide and became That is, I bowled a wide and became a drunk.
So don't do that! Now it's your turns to be the team that stands in pairs with the bats rather than the ones in the spread-out crowd chucking it around.
So make the most of that! And remember, there's no such thing as a draw in cricket! Yes! Go on, my son.
These Pisswiddle boys really can cricket.
What a run! (Narrator) 'This summer, the location manager of "Billy Elliot" 'and the catering staff who brought you "The Full Monty" Yes! Remember what I taught you! No! Not that! That was wrong! 'featuring someone who was nearly in "Brassed Off", 'comes a film to touch the child in all of us.
'But not in that way.
' They're bringing urns and sandwiches onto the pitch.
They think it's tea.
It is now.
And this is for the Ashes.
I can't believe they've done it! They've actually done it! 'In cinemas this summer And remember lads, it isn't over until the full number of overs that are scheduled to be bowled that day have been bowled! 'Opening June 25th.
' Which has all been restored to how it would've looked when the rooms were originally laid out in the 18th century.
I found it.
I found it, you thieving bitch! So, is this really your mother's house? Dear mama, I keep telling her to get Sky Plus.
And this room is still known as the Hanover Bedroom as it is believed that George II stayed here not long after his accession.
I believed he still remained a friend of the family for some time after.
- What are you doing? Security! - Tell mama I won't be dining tonight.
You two, out! - But we're not having sex! - I shall report you to my mother.
Lady House.
Ginger, I think my Nemesis has corrupted even my beloved mother.
(Hums theme to "Dick Barton - Special Agent") 'In a country lacerated by the sharp shards of broken promises, 'in a world bent low by disease, war and the price of Thunderbird, 'who is left to make full account to God of Britain's depleted moral minibar? 'Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
' - I'm overtaking, but we're on a hill.
- What, sir? Oh, my God.
The Rolls.
Have your Nemesis' henchmen turned it into an old banger again, sir? I think not.
This bears all the hallmarks of the Countess.
- Countess, we meet again.
- He's got germs! This is my valet and handyman Ginger.
A good man in a crisis.
Thank you, sir.
If I get any more sober, my dead kidney will start to throb again.
- He's got germs! - If I may He's got germs! Now, Countess, tell me.
Are you? Give that to me.
He's got germs! Are you in league with my Nemesis? There's a soggy pack of Rothman's in that bag.
- You are! - He's got germs! Ginger, beat the crap out of her.
I'm sorry, Countess.
I'm going to have to confiscate your jewels.
He's got germs! (Screams) 'How will I break the unholy alliance between Countess and my Nemesis? 'How will I tell friend from foe, if not by asking them for a quid? 'Is it true if you sneak into the London Eye they let you sleep there? 'Find out in "The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar".
This one's just full of dog shit, sir.
And this is just the birth certificate of our estranged daughter.
What a wasted day! You think it makes you 19 times more the man, but it doesn't.
(Narrator) 'Alan has 19 penises which, after the watershed, we can show you.
'Come on, that's got to be worth a look.
' To start with, you just think it's normal.
You think everyone's got 19 penises.
'Continuing our "People Who've Grown Into The Wrong Shape" season, 'you get the chance to have a good old stare without feeling guilty.
'That's "The Man Who Had So Many Penises "'He Was Worth Making A Television Programme About" later tonight.
' (Flushes toilet) 'Roll up, roll up.
' OK, so the RSPCA are looking for a song to go on their new advert.
They're trying to catch criminals who've been letting dogs out of their kennels.
Basically, someone's let the dogs out, but they don't know who.
Can we think of an appropriate song? How about "Freedom" by George Michael? "By The Rivers Of Babylon"? We need something to really punch home the idea that these dogs are on the streets with nowhere to go and nothing to eat.
"Who Let The Dogs Out"? They don't know, that's why they're putting out the advert.
Look at it this way, what would I choose if you'd let the dogs out? - If who'd let the dogs out? - You.
If you'd let the dogs out.
"Please Release Me"? Let's leave that and come back to it.
Maybe this one will be easier.
It's for a TV station, looking for a song to advertise the film "Roxanne".
You know, the Steve Martin film, "Roxanne"? No, I'm struggling.
Can you give us something more to go on? - It's on a Monday night.
- "Blue Monday"? - Like the Monday bit.
- "Roxanne"? Yes, the film "Roxanne" with Darryl Hannah.
"By The Rivers Of Babylon"? Let's revisit that one after lunch.
OK, this last one is for a documentary.
Michael Palin is trekking along rivers near where the Babylonians once lived.
Anyone? "By The Rivers Of Babylon"? That's right, he'll be looking at civilisations from that area.
Nothing immediately jumps to mind.
Maybe just a little bit more parsley.
Perfect.
That smells amazing.
You've turned this place around the last few months.
You've got the magic touch when it comes to soup.
Well, what can I say? It makes a lovely change from working in robotics.
Yeah, I bet.
Oh, I want you to try something.
Taste one.
Oh, my God, it's soup.
That's right.
Solid soup.
Soup you can hold in your hand! - Chris, you're a genius! - Thanks.
Take an hour off.
Get back for the lunch-time rush.
Thanks, boss.
# Bean soup, chicken soup Soup with macaroni # Cream of broccoli, minestrone # Potato soup, tomato soup Chowder made with clam - Ow! - # Miso soup and mushroom # Hey, that's my iPod and copy of "Perfume" by Patrick Suskind.
Oh! - Sure you're OK to work, Chris? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Needs a bit more zing.
(Boss) 'Sure you're OK to work, Chris? ' (Chris) 'Yeah, I'm fine.
' - What the hell happened, Chris? - Bad day.
I'll be fine tomorrow.
- You can't smell anymore, can you? - What? Since that guy hit you, you can't smell your hand in front of your face.
Don't be ridiculous.
I can smell perfectly.
I can smell that clove of garlic down there.
Where? Just down here.
- Yes, I knew I could smell garlic.
- I see.
(Sniffs) Ooh, blimey, Pete, that's a bit of a fruity guff you just did.
- Oh, yeah, sorry, boss.
- Oh, bloody hell, Pete.
Smells like something's crawled up your arse and died.
I'm sorry, Chris.
Nobody farted.
(Sinatra) # Look down, look down # That Ionesome road # Before you travel on # Well, if I can't smell, you'll just have to smell for me.
(Robot beeps) 'I smell.
' (Sniggers) You smell! OK, robot.
Smell and identify the objects.
(Robot) 'I obey.
'Lost, lost, cannot see.
Can only smell.
Help, help, help! 'Cannot reach.
- 'Cheese.
' - Brilliant.
It works.
- 'Cheese.
' - No, flowers.
Never mind.
Let's keep trying.
- 'Cheese.
' - OK.
'Cheese.
' - 'Petril.
' - It's actually petrol, but good.
- 'Petril.
' - Oh, bollocks.
- 'Cheese.
' - Good.
- 'Petril.
' - Good.
- 'Petril.
' - Oh OK, let's try this.
'Cheese.
' Well, I suppose that'll have to do.
(# Hi-NRG music) - Welcome to "Back To Life - "Back To Reality".
The show that adds an "un" to the phrase "Safe revival of cryogenically frozen billionaires".
And an 'ir' to the phrase "Responsible treatment of re-animated cadavers".
When cryogenics company "Frozen Stiff" underwent liquidation this year, we became the first TV show ever to own some frozen people to make telly fun for you.
That's right, we literally own their asses.
When these boys were frozen in the '40s That's pre-"Hollyoaks", history fans.
they expected to be defrosted carefully and when appropriate.
We haven't got time for that.
We've got a TV show to make.
Let's look at what these boys have been up to after being warmed up a bit and fiddled about with by the production team to make them work in - "Back To Life - "Back To Reality".
'It's the third day in the house and there's big trouble for Howard P Getty.
'He's sprung a leak.
' 'They're not filled with blood and guts like you and me.
'They're filled with some chemicals put in by expert chemists specialists.
' 'Without those chemicals they will die.
You know, properly.
' 'So we've given the other housemates the task of fixing Howard.
'Cliff Richards, no relation, has got the box of repairing stuff.
' 'Our medical team reckon Howard's got three minutes left, give or take.
' 'Let's see how they get on.
' 'Ooh.
That's really not gonna help.
' 'Professor von Straussenberg has been distracted by a CD.
'He's just got no idea what it is.
'And look at that.
'It seems like a couple of the prof's fingers have dropped off.
' 'Walt there, doing his best, but when you're only a head, 'you can't be much more than an ideas man.
'So he's just chewing a Starburst there.
' 'Being from the '40s, that's probably his very first Starburst.
'Do you remember your first Starburst? Why not text in about that? 'Might as well.
' 'Looks like time is running out for poor old Howard.
' - 'Look at that.
He's fixed himself! ' - 'With the professor's fingers! ' 'They've made perfect bungs for his chemical-leaking holes.
'Where's the professor? Surely he'd want to see his loss wasn't in vain? ' 'He's tried to refreeze himself.
Unlucky, professor.
'You might've been a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, 'but now you're ours.
' Morning, horse.
Lovely day.
Sorry about yesterday, I know things got a bit Well, I think we were both Anyway, onwards and upwards.
That's Where did we get up to? Ahem Right.
Je m'appelle Horse.
Je m'appelle Horse.
OK, so after me.
Je Je Come on, I know it's early.
Je m'appelle Ho You're not even trying, are you? This is why I get a little bit, you know.
Just Je, je, je.
Will you just at least make an effort? You long-faced sack of shit.
Je, je.
It's like pulling teeth with you! You just don't care, do you? You don't care at all.
All the effort I put in.
Je, je, je, je, je Right, forget it! That's fine, you just carry on feeding your face.
Don't worry about me! No one else makes me like this.
Pig doesn't give me this bollocks! (Woman) Hmm.
The great advantage is not only does it taste of chocolate, it also works in exactly the same way as real soil.
Now, I have to admit to being a little bit nervous about this next item, because the guy we'll be talking to is, let me tell you, absolutely bonkers.
- I thought he was on at the end.
- What? - The guy who was sectioned.
- Yeah, I'm talking about the comedian.
Oh, right! I was confused because later on we have a real schizo on.
Now our next guest is crazy in a different and less harrowing way.
But before we meet him, let's see a clip of his new show, "Two Sugars, S'il Vous Plaît".
Well, it's been a really tough day and I'm beginning to wonder if that whole drunken bet was a good idea after all.
Making a cup of tea for everyone in Belgium, what was I thinking? - Erm, Monsieur? - Non, merci.
- Monsieur, tasse de tea? - (Snorts) Oh, I haven't even looked up the French word for tea, I'm so crazy.
Why do I get myself into these heart-warming scrapes? Making a cup of tea for everyone in Belgium? Crazy idea.
- I know.
- Where did that all spring from? This is all actually Ricky Gervais' fault.
Damn you, Gervais.
I call him Ricky.
I know him.
No, I was at a party with Ricky Gervais, who did "The Office" and "Extras", and he was talking to me, which I'm quite used to, and a certain amount of drink had been taken.
I expect you mean a lot? Yeah, that's what I I kind of did that joke.
And I said, God knows where I get these things from, I bet I could make a cup of tea for everyone in Belgium.
And Ricky said, "Why?" So obviously that was a challenge I couldn't ignore.
Priceless.
Of course this isn't your first drunken bet with a famous person, is it? No.
Looking at your books and DVDs, there's "Crossing Africa In A Carrier Bag", "Building A Cathedral Out Of Ham", "Licking Hilary Clinton's Face".
My problem is, I have these crazy but endearingly adolescent ideas, then I'm forced to write shows, books and make TV programmes about them.
I mean, sometimes I wish that I could just have the crazy bet without it furthering my career in any way, but, of course, no one will let me.
Not least your flatmates, I imagine.
Cos they all have a tendency to get involved in drunken bets and then publish books about them as well.
'Fraid so, yeah, it did get a bit crowded in the flat when Steve set up the merchant bank in the bath and Pete used camels instead of the tube for a year, and I invited everyone with the same birthday to live with me.
Oh, dear.
Then we had to find somewhere to put all the money.
Ha-ha! - (Robot) 'Time for Master's cheese.
' - Oh, thanks.
No, Cheesoid.
That's not cheese, that's petrol! - 'Petril? ' - Yes.
'But petril goes in car.
' Oh, shit! Oh, Cheesoid, you filled the tank with Brie.
- 'Petril.
' - Shut up.
'Sorry, Master.
Cheesoid hates self.
' (Robot) 'Cheddar status: 'Brie status: 48 hours to use-by date.
'Primula status: In tube.
'Petril status: Four.
- 'Petril status: Four.
' - Shut up, Cheesoid! 'Hate self, hate self, hate self.
' (Birds singing) Cheesoid? - Cheesoid? - 'Cheesoid kill self.
'Cheesoid kill self with petril.
' 'Why petril not burn? ' No, Cheesoid.
That's not petrol.
- 'Petril.
' - Petrol.
That's cheese.
- 'Not petril? ' - No! 'Hate self.
' 'Why Cheesoid exist? Cheesoid so Ionely.
' When do the use the kilns? I just told you, they don't use kilns.
There are no kilns.
You're telling me, you don't heat up milk to turn it into cheese? That's exactly what I'm saying.
You don't get cheese just by cooking milk.
But it was discovered by leaving milk on a hot stone and it turned into cheese.
That isn't true.
That's how they used to store it when they had too much milk.
- They didn't have fridges, David.
- I accept that, Rob.
So how did they turn the cheese back into milk? They needed the kilns! You can't turn cheese back into milk.
Apply heat to cheese and you get melted cheese, not milk! You don't know what you're talking about! - I know how cheese is made.
- Oh, really? Yes.
You take milk and then you leave it to not ferment exactly You scrape off You separate the curds and whey.
- This isn't a nursery rhyme, David.
- Then you leave it till You put it in the kiln until it forms a hard skin so it doesn't fall to bits.
Cheese doesn't form its own skin, they put the skin on.
- They put the skin on? - Yes! Did you hear what you said? They put the skin on.
Oh, so you think Edam has a red skin because of the temperature it's baked? I'm not claiming to be a fucking scientist, David! I just know they How do they put the skin on? I don't know how they put the fucking skin on! - What are we talking about then? - I didn't start it.
- You've got a problem, mate.
- You've got a problem Lot of anger.
Lot of anger.
Lot of anger! You've got a
No problemo.
We all got a leg-up somewhere along the line.
So this is TV format development.
You'll be expected to do whatever.
Make tea, go out for coffee, photocopying.
Brilliant! This is brilliant! And just through here, we've got the mineshaft.
So you'll divide your time between helping out the development team and digging for coal in the mine.
Er, wow.
I I didn't know you did coal.
Oh, yeah, always done coal.
Everyone needs coal.
Coal, you can rely on.
Coal doesn't turn round and tell you that "Dick And Dom" aren't very BBC3.
- Right.
- Now, you'll need these.
The Blackberry's in case anyone needs a latte urgently, so you can come straight up.
The canary's to tell you if the mine is filling up with poisonous gas, cos if it is, it'll start to die.
Right, OK, I mean, I'm not This is - I really want this job, it's just - Look, this is TV, yeah.
Maybe one day, you'll be researching on "Any Dream Will Do".
But before that, there's a hell of a lot of mining to get through.
Oh, he's off his food.
(Helicopter rotors whir) It's the Helivets! # Collie dogs or marmosets! # Here they come, the Helivets! # - We're the Helivets! - Where's the pet in peril? - And who's the concerned owner? - I am.
Don't worry.
We'll soon have your gerbil scampering hither about his cage again.
It's dead! - Moving around in his sandbath - It's dead! - Chewing up an empty bog roll - It's stiff and smelly.
- We can save him.
- We can't! - Come on.
- We're the Helivets.
# The Helivets! # Well, the important thing when writing a sports movie is not to get too bogged down in the so-called rules of the sport.
Yeah, this was our first film-writing project.
Initially we didn't know where to start, I suppose we just started typing.
Yeah, and luckily there's this pop-up in Microsoft Word that says, "You're trying to write a heart-warming British underdog movie? "Would you like some help?" Then you just enter the names and context.
So we put "Wimbledon", but then it popped up, "There's already a heart-warming British underdog movie called 'Wimbledon', "are you sure you want to replace it?" So we had to think again.
In the end, we almost deliberately went for a sport no one knows much about.
Well, almost deliberately.
Cos as it turns out, some people know quite a lot about cricket.
- Unlike us.
- Yeah.
(Narrator) 'In a time past hope, in a world gone to crap, 'one man had an idea.
' (Northern accent) Lads, look what I found.
Calm down, Arthur.
There's no point getting excited about anything.
The steel mine's closed and we're on the scrap heap.
It's official.
No, but look.
"Earn big pounds playing cricket.
" Well, it sounds fine, Arthur.
But cricket, here in Yorkshire? Don't talk soft.
Did I hear someone say "cricket"? That's a word I've not heard in a long time.
What would you know about cricket? I only used to coach the Manchester United team, the year they won the European Cricket Cup.
But to us you seem like some mad old drunk? That's the other thing about me, apart from knowing about cricket.
It was the Ashes.
I could've won them.
But I bowled a wide.
You bowled a wide in the Ashes final? How can you live with yourself? I know! Enter the Ashes? You takin' the piss? Why not? Arthur's a dab hand with a silly mid-on, and Pete can do follow-ons like no one's ever seen.
Come on, let us enter.
We've got stumps in us blood.
You won't be talking like that when you face West Indies in the 2nd round.
They've won the Ashes every year since they beat the Dallas Cowboys in 1978.
We'll just have to practise our catching and throwing and penalties and that.
Run, run.
10, 10! Come on, lads.
You've got to bat more.
But the bat is so narrow, it's perverse.
(Screams with rage) First rule of cricket: Never call the bat narrow.
What the bat is, is very, very wide and very, very short.
Wow! Carry on bowling, and try and do that thing with your hand and your wrist where you make it bounce funny.
'Welcome to the 200th World Ashes Cricket Cup between West Germany 'and Pisswiddle Steel Batters, from Pisswiddle in Yorkshire.
The Pisswiddle team very much the underdogs, but anyone who saw them beat Yugoslavia in the semis by 400 wickets to 7 runs, all of it for 8, will know that they're not to be underestimated.
And West Germany famously a bunch of cheats.
As ever.
No! What are you doing? Oh, no! Foul! Umpire? Now that it's half-time and it looks like we're about to lose, I want to tell you a story.
I knew a young man who had a dream, a dream to win the Ashes.
Ach, ja, ja, ja! That young man was me.
But he bowled a wide and became That is, I bowled a wide and became a drunk.
So don't do that! Now it's your turns to be the team that stands in pairs with the bats rather than the ones in the spread-out crowd chucking it around.
So make the most of that! And remember, there's no such thing as a draw in cricket! Yes! Go on, my son.
These Pisswiddle boys really can cricket.
What a run! (Narrator) 'This summer, the location manager of "Billy Elliot" 'and the catering staff who brought you "The Full Monty" Yes! Remember what I taught you! No! Not that! That was wrong! 'featuring someone who was nearly in "Brassed Off", 'comes a film to touch the child in all of us.
'But not in that way.
' They're bringing urns and sandwiches onto the pitch.
They think it's tea.
It is now.
And this is for the Ashes.
I can't believe they've done it! They've actually done it! 'In cinemas this summer And remember lads, it isn't over until the full number of overs that are scheduled to be bowled that day have been bowled! 'Opening June 25th.
' Which has all been restored to how it would've looked when the rooms were originally laid out in the 18th century.
I found it.
I found it, you thieving bitch! So, is this really your mother's house? Dear mama, I keep telling her to get Sky Plus.
And this room is still known as the Hanover Bedroom as it is believed that George II stayed here not long after his accession.
I believed he still remained a friend of the family for some time after.
- What are you doing? Security! - Tell mama I won't be dining tonight.
You two, out! - But we're not having sex! - I shall report you to my mother.
Lady House.
Ginger, I think my Nemesis has corrupted even my beloved mother.
(Hums theme to "Dick Barton - Special Agent") 'In a country lacerated by the sharp shards of broken promises, 'in a world bent low by disease, war and the price of Thunderbird, 'who is left to make full account to God of Britain's depleted moral minibar? 'Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
' - I'm overtaking, but we're on a hill.
- What, sir? Oh, my God.
The Rolls.
Have your Nemesis' henchmen turned it into an old banger again, sir? I think not.
This bears all the hallmarks of the Countess.
- Countess, we meet again.
- He's got germs! This is my valet and handyman Ginger.
A good man in a crisis.
Thank you, sir.
If I get any more sober, my dead kidney will start to throb again.
- He's got germs! - If I may He's got germs! Now, Countess, tell me.
Are you? Give that to me.
He's got germs! Are you in league with my Nemesis? There's a soggy pack of Rothman's in that bag.
- You are! - He's got germs! Ginger, beat the crap out of her.
I'm sorry, Countess.
I'm going to have to confiscate your jewels.
He's got germs! (Screams) 'How will I break the unholy alliance between Countess and my Nemesis? 'How will I tell friend from foe, if not by asking them for a quid? 'Is it true if you sneak into the London Eye they let you sleep there? 'Find out in "The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar".
This one's just full of dog shit, sir.
And this is just the birth certificate of our estranged daughter.
What a wasted day! You think it makes you 19 times more the man, but it doesn't.
(Narrator) 'Alan has 19 penises which, after the watershed, we can show you.
'Come on, that's got to be worth a look.
' To start with, you just think it's normal.
You think everyone's got 19 penises.
'Continuing our "People Who've Grown Into The Wrong Shape" season, 'you get the chance to have a good old stare without feeling guilty.
'That's "The Man Who Had So Many Penises "'He Was Worth Making A Television Programme About" later tonight.
' (Flushes toilet) 'Roll up, roll up.
' OK, so the RSPCA are looking for a song to go on their new advert.
They're trying to catch criminals who've been letting dogs out of their kennels.
Basically, someone's let the dogs out, but they don't know who.
Can we think of an appropriate song? How about "Freedom" by George Michael? "By The Rivers Of Babylon"? We need something to really punch home the idea that these dogs are on the streets with nowhere to go and nothing to eat.
"Who Let The Dogs Out"? They don't know, that's why they're putting out the advert.
Look at it this way, what would I choose if you'd let the dogs out? - If who'd let the dogs out? - You.
If you'd let the dogs out.
"Please Release Me"? Let's leave that and come back to it.
Maybe this one will be easier.
It's for a TV station, looking for a song to advertise the film "Roxanne".
You know, the Steve Martin film, "Roxanne"? No, I'm struggling.
Can you give us something more to go on? - It's on a Monday night.
- "Blue Monday"? - Like the Monday bit.
- "Roxanne"? Yes, the film "Roxanne" with Darryl Hannah.
"By The Rivers Of Babylon"? Let's revisit that one after lunch.
OK, this last one is for a documentary.
Michael Palin is trekking along rivers near where the Babylonians once lived.
Anyone? "By The Rivers Of Babylon"? That's right, he'll be looking at civilisations from that area.
Nothing immediately jumps to mind.
Maybe just a little bit more parsley.
Perfect.
That smells amazing.
You've turned this place around the last few months.
You've got the magic touch when it comes to soup.
Well, what can I say? It makes a lovely change from working in robotics.
Yeah, I bet.
Oh, I want you to try something.
Taste one.
Oh, my God, it's soup.
That's right.
Solid soup.
Soup you can hold in your hand! - Chris, you're a genius! - Thanks.
Take an hour off.
Get back for the lunch-time rush.
Thanks, boss.
# Bean soup, chicken soup Soup with macaroni # Cream of broccoli, minestrone # Potato soup, tomato soup Chowder made with clam - Ow! - # Miso soup and mushroom # Hey, that's my iPod and copy of "Perfume" by Patrick Suskind.
Oh! - Sure you're OK to work, Chris? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Needs a bit more zing.
(Boss) 'Sure you're OK to work, Chris? ' (Chris) 'Yeah, I'm fine.
' - What the hell happened, Chris? - Bad day.
I'll be fine tomorrow.
- You can't smell anymore, can you? - What? Since that guy hit you, you can't smell your hand in front of your face.
Don't be ridiculous.
I can smell perfectly.
I can smell that clove of garlic down there.
Where? Just down here.
- Yes, I knew I could smell garlic.
- I see.
(Sniffs) Ooh, blimey, Pete, that's a bit of a fruity guff you just did.
- Oh, yeah, sorry, boss.
- Oh, bloody hell, Pete.
Smells like something's crawled up your arse and died.
I'm sorry, Chris.
Nobody farted.
(Sinatra) # Look down, look down # That Ionesome road # Before you travel on # Well, if I can't smell, you'll just have to smell for me.
(Robot beeps) 'I smell.
' (Sniggers) You smell! OK, robot.
Smell and identify the objects.
(Robot) 'I obey.
'Lost, lost, cannot see.
Can only smell.
Help, help, help! 'Cannot reach.
- 'Cheese.
' - Brilliant.
It works.
- 'Cheese.
' - No, flowers.
Never mind.
Let's keep trying.
- 'Cheese.
' - OK.
'Cheese.
' - 'Petril.
' - It's actually petrol, but good.
- 'Petril.
' - Oh, bollocks.
- 'Cheese.
' - Good.
- 'Petril.
' - Good.
- 'Petril.
' - Oh OK, let's try this.
'Cheese.
' Well, I suppose that'll have to do.
(# Hi-NRG music) - Welcome to "Back To Life - "Back To Reality".
The show that adds an "un" to the phrase "Safe revival of cryogenically frozen billionaires".
And an 'ir' to the phrase "Responsible treatment of re-animated cadavers".
When cryogenics company "Frozen Stiff" underwent liquidation this year, we became the first TV show ever to own some frozen people to make telly fun for you.
That's right, we literally own their asses.
When these boys were frozen in the '40s That's pre-"Hollyoaks", history fans.
they expected to be defrosted carefully and when appropriate.
We haven't got time for that.
We've got a TV show to make.
Let's look at what these boys have been up to after being warmed up a bit and fiddled about with by the production team to make them work in - "Back To Life - "Back To Reality".
'It's the third day in the house and there's big trouble for Howard P Getty.
'He's sprung a leak.
' 'They're not filled with blood and guts like you and me.
'They're filled with some chemicals put in by expert chemists specialists.
' 'Without those chemicals they will die.
You know, properly.
' 'So we've given the other housemates the task of fixing Howard.
'Cliff Richards, no relation, has got the box of repairing stuff.
' 'Our medical team reckon Howard's got three minutes left, give or take.
' 'Let's see how they get on.
' 'Ooh.
That's really not gonna help.
' 'Professor von Straussenberg has been distracted by a CD.
'He's just got no idea what it is.
'And look at that.
'It seems like a couple of the prof's fingers have dropped off.
' 'Walt there, doing his best, but when you're only a head, 'you can't be much more than an ideas man.
'So he's just chewing a Starburst there.
' 'Being from the '40s, that's probably his very first Starburst.
'Do you remember your first Starburst? Why not text in about that? 'Might as well.
' 'Looks like time is running out for poor old Howard.
' - 'Look at that.
He's fixed himself! ' - 'With the professor's fingers! ' 'They've made perfect bungs for his chemical-leaking holes.
'Where's the professor? Surely he'd want to see his loss wasn't in vain? ' 'He's tried to refreeze himself.
Unlucky, professor.
'You might've been a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, 'but now you're ours.
' Morning, horse.
Lovely day.
Sorry about yesterday, I know things got a bit Well, I think we were both Anyway, onwards and upwards.
That's Where did we get up to? Ahem Right.
Je m'appelle Horse.
Je m'appelle Horse.
OK, so after me.
Je Je Come on, I know it's early.
Je m'appelle Ho You're not even trying, are you? This is why I get a little bit, you know.
Just Je, je, je.
Will you just at least make an effort? You long-faced sack of shit.
Je, je.
It's like pulling teeth with you! You just don't care, do you? You don't care at all.
All the effort I put in.
Je, je, je, je, je Right, forget it! That's fine, you just carry on feeding your face.
Don't worry about me! No one else makes me like this.
Pig doesn't give me this bollocks! (Woman) Hmm.
The great advantage is not only does it taste of chocolate, it also works in exactly the same way as real soil.
Now, I have to admit to being a little bit nervous about this next item, because the guy we'll be talking to is, let me tell you, absolutely bonkers.
- I thought he was on at the end.
- What? - The guy who was sectioned.
- Yeah, I'm talking about the comedian.
Oh, right! I was confused because later on we have a real schizo on.
Now our next guest is crazy in a different and less harrowing way.
But before we meet him, let's see a clip of his new show, "Two Sugars, S'il Vous Plaît".
Well, it's been a really tough day and I'm beginning to wonder if that whole drunken bet was a good idea after all.
Making a cup of tea for everyone in Belgium, what was I thinking? - Erm, Monsieur? - Non, merci.
- Monsieur, tasse de tea? - (Snorts) Oh, I haven't even looked up the French word for tea, I'm so crazy.
Why do I get myself into these heart-warming scrapes? Making a cup of tea for everyone in Belgium? Crazy idea.
- I know.
- Where did that all spring from? This is all actually Ricky Gervais' fault.
Damn you, Gervais.
I call him Ricky.
I know him.
No, I was at a party with Ricky Gervais, who did "The Office" and "Extras", and he was talking to me, which I'm quite used to, and a certain amount of drink had been taken.
I expect you mean a lot? Yeah, that's what I I kind of did that joke.
And I said, God knows where I get these things from, I bet I could make a cup of tea for everyone in Belgium.
And Ricky said, "Why?" So obviously that was a challenge I couldn't ignore.
Priceless.
Of course this isn't your first drunken bet with a famous person, is it? No.
Looking at your books and DVDs, there's "Crossing Africa In A Carrier Bag", "Building A Cathedral Out Of Ham", "Licking Hilary Clinton's Face".
My problem is, I have these crazy but endearingly adolescent ideas, then I'm forced to write shows, books and make TV programmes about them.
I mean, sometimes I wish that I could just have the crazy bet without it furthering my career in any way, but, of course, no one will let me.
Not least your flatmates, I imagine.
Cos they all have a tendency to get involved in drunken bets and then publish books about them as well.
'Fraid so, yeah, it did get a bit crowded in the flat when Steve set up the merchant bank in the bath and Pete used camels instead of the tube for a year, and I invited everyone with the same birthday to live with me.
Oh, dear.
Then we had to find somewhere to put all the money.
Ha-ha! - (Robot) 'Time for Master's cheese.
' - Oh, thanks.
No, Cheesoid.
That's not cheese, that's petrol! - 'Petril? ' - Yes.
'But petril goes in car.
' Oh, shit! Oh, Cheesoid, you filled the tank with Brie.
- 'Petril.
' - Shut up.
'Sorry, Master.
Cheesoid hates self.
' (Robot) 'Cheddar status: 'Brie status: 48 hours to use-by date.
'Primula status: In tube.
'Petril status: Four.
- 'Petril status: Four.
' - Shut up, Cheesoid! 'Hate self, hate self, hate self.
' (Birds singing) Cheesoid? - Cheesoid? - 'Cheesoid kill self.
'Cheesoid kill self with petril.
' 'Why petril not burn? ' No, Cheesoid.
That's not petrol.
- 'Petril.
' - Petrol.
That's cheese.
- 'Not petril? ' - No! 'Hate self.
' 'Why Cheesoid exist? Cheesoid so Ionely.
' When do the use the kilns? I just told you, they don't use kilns.
There are no kilns.
You're telling me, you don't heat up milk to turn it into cheese? That's exactly what I'm saying.
You don't get cheese just by cooking milk.
But it was discovered by leaving milk on a hot stone and it turned into cheese.
That isn't true.
That's how they used to store it when they had too much milk.
- They didn't have fridges, David.
- I accept that, Rob.
So how did they turn the cheese back into milk? They needed the kilns! You can't turn cheese back into milk.
Apply heat to cheese and you get melted cheese, not milk! You don't know what you're talking about! - I know how cheese is made.
- Oh, really? Yes.
You take milk and then you leave it to not ferment exactly You scrape off You separate the curds and whey.
- This isn't a nursery rhyme, David.
- Then you leave it till You put it in the kiln until it forms a hard skin so it doesn't fall to bits.
Cheese doesn't form its own skin, they put the skin on.
- They put the skin on? - Yes! Did you hear what you said? They put the skin on.
Oh, so you think Edam has a red skin because of the temperature it's baked? I'm not claiming to be a fucking scientist, David! I just know they How do they put the skin on? I don't know how they put the fucking skin on! - What are we talking about then? - I didn't start it.
- You've got a problem, mate.
- You've got a problem Lot of anger.
Lot of anger.
Lot of anger! You've got a