Close Enough (2020) s02e04 Episode Script

[ Rock music plays ]
[ Cellphone blips ]
[ Door opens ]
♪♪
[ Moaning ]
♪♪
[ Cellphones blipping ]
[ Cellphones clicking ]
[ Blipping continues ]
[ Tattoo gun buzzing ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
♪♪
[ Blipping continues ]
♪♪
[ Record scratches ]
[ Choir vocalizing ]
♪♪
[ Cellphone dings ]
Derek!
[ Cellphone chimes ]
[ Groans loudly ]
Not now, Beyoncé!
♪♪
♪♪
I got ghosted again!
Why is it so hard to find a guy
who won't leave?
Trust me, one day you'll
find your perfect match.
I did!
[ Door opens ]
-We got a street couch!
-Oh, hell no!
We agreed --
no more garbage furniture!
[ Whining ] But I want it.
Oh, we got that savings account
you wanted
But we needed that!
[ Exhales sharply ]
Fine.
Yes!
Excuse us, ladies.
[ Josh and Alex laugh ]
I can't believe we carried it
15 blocks!
It's gonna feel so good
to sit on it.
Ho-ho, man.
Okay, here we go.
Gotta get this right.
Gotta get this right.
Gotta warm up my cheeks.
Just like puttin' a
fish in a fishbowl, you
know what I'm saying.
Guys, can you please tone
it down a little.
Bridgette just got ghosted.
[ Wailing loudly ]
Ooooh, sorry.
You know what might help?
[ Laughs nervously ]
The healing properties
of a comfy street couch.
Whoa!
-[ Sobbing ]
[ Springs slam ]
Oh, actually, I was
thinking we could all
sit on it right now.
[ Bridgette wailing loudly ]
Ohhh, noooo!
I-I-I-It's cool.
I can wait.
[ Crickets chirping ]
[ Exhales heavily ]
You all look like
you're going to ghost me, too.
[ Sighs heavily ]
Beautiful mademoiselle,
why so sad?
[ Screams ]
Forgive me, mon chérie.
I've not properly
introduced myself.
My name is
Henri Dubois Moureau V.
My father was
the Duc D'Orléans.
Um, I'm -- I'm Bridgette.
Uh
My father is a pharmacist.
Well, he must be the king
of the pharmacists
because he raised
a princess, hmm?
[ Moaning chuckle ]
Oh! [ Giggles ]
Okay, everything about this
is working for me.
But, you're, like, dead, right?
What's that all about?
Henri: I was once France's
premier furniture designer
[ Harpsichord playing ]
[ Crowd gasps ]
and it's greatest bachelor.
♪♪
I made love to beautiful women,
and in return,
they made love back to me.
[ Woman ohh's ]
But I was unfaithful.
[ Moaning ] Ohh. Oh! Oh!
And some became jealous.
[ Screams ]
[ Scythe shinks ]
I died on this very couch.
So you're tied to this couch
forever?
Until I complete
my unfinished business,
whatever that may be.
And you,
why is it that my couch
is stained with your tears?
Oh, I was sad because guys
keep ghosting me.
No offense.
Ghosting?
What is this "ghosting?"
It's when a guy dumps
you without telling
you and vanishes.
This is, how you say,
outrage!
I would never ghost you,
sweet Bridgette.
Oh, really?
So, um[chuckles]
what are you doing later?
[ Crowd cheers ]
[ Crowd gasps ]
[ Smooches ]
♪♪
♪♪
[ Riders screaming ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
♪♪
♪♪
Your new boyfriend
seems awesome.
Henri and I have so much
in common.
He also hates fake bitches.
-Excuse me, Candice.
-I've heard worse.
Well, I'm glad
you found someone.
Ok, just to be clear,
this is not a relationship.
This is a haunting.
I knew you were gonna be
like this.
You don't like him
because he's French.
It ain't helping, but it's
mostly because he's dead.
I mean how are you even
gonna have sex?
Wouldn't you like to know?
Whoa ♪
[ Knock on door ]
Come in.
[ Door opens ]
My love ♪
Thank you for agreeing
to be our vessel, Randy.
Anything for
a friend-slash-tenant.
Let's do this.
I've hungered for ♪
Your touch ♪
A long ♪
Lonely time ♪
Mmm.
[ Both moaning ]
Ooh.
[ Randy shouting rhythmically ]
And time ♪
Goes by ♪
[ Shouting continues ]
[ Screaming ]
So slowly ]
Did she move
the couch in there?
I haven't had a chance
to sit on it yet.
And time ♪
Donotgo in there!
[ Sobbing ]
Can do so much ♪
Are you ♪
[ Snoring ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Humming sleepily ]
[ Coughs ] Ew, gross.
[ Murmuring in sleep ]
Gross. [ Grunts ]
Ew.
Bonjour, mon chéri.
[ Chuckles ]
What a beautiful morning
after such a beautiful
evening of love-make.
Yeaaah, it wasgreat.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm just used to
sleeping alone.
Well, you will never
have to again.
Uh, I need to go in here.
Pardon,
is everything alright?
Yeah, it's fine.
Great.
♪♪
Did I say you could leave
a toothbrush in here?
[ Chuckles ]
No, but, uh, I, um,
how you say, assumed,
uh, since we live together.
[ Humming ]
You knew the word
was "assumed."
[ Door slams ]
Bridgette, I apologize
if I've done anything to offend.
[ Harpsichord playing ]
I -- I hope
you can forgive me.
Yeah, gross.
I'm not really into chocolate.
[ Door closes ]
[ Cellphone clicking ]
Bridgette
[ Couch scraping ]
I have
a beautiful surprise
for a beautiful lady.
Greeeaaat.
More dead things.
[ Harpsichord continues ]
Bridgette, I have expressed
my passion for you
through the medium
of painting.
I've also written an opera
about your face.
Uh-huh.
[ Sighs deeply ]
I guess it does not matter.
[ Chuckles ]
Nothing I do
seems to matter.
[ Monotone ]
What do you mean?
You're the best
Yay
Is that why
you put up zis?!
What?
It's my favorite movie.
[ Cries ]
Why have you grown so cold?
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Ooh, sorry.
I'm getting a call.
Ah, zere it is!
Classic Bridgette.
Zings get le tough
and you le run away
to ze fake phone call!
[ Whispering ] Shh!
You're being a dick!
Yes, I do have time
for a survey.
Ah! Bridgette!
You are tearing me apart!
[ Ughs ] Whatever.
Like I don't have three more.
No, no, no.
You're not going anywhere
until you tell me
why you are so upset with me.
Hey guys, is it cool
if I sit on the
[ Indistinct arguing ]
Aw, man
Upset?
How could I be upset about a
dead guy who's chained to a
couch and can never leave?!
Is zat what you wish?
You wish I could, uh,
ghost you?
Please!
You're being ridiculous!
Why would I want a guy
to ghostme?
Hey, I was thinking,
maybe I could leave
a toothbrush
at your place?
Yuck.
Take me to Wetzel's
and don't embarrass me.
[ Whispering ] Psst,
I bought a toothbrush
to leave at your place.
[ Gasps ]
[ Straining ]
Bridgette, I have something
I want to keep at your place.
What -- What are y--
Bridgette, I love you!
Oh, shit. I'm the dick.
So, I'm sorry
for how I behaved.
You know how women
are conditioned to be
non-confrontational
with guys
so they don't get murdered
or locked in a basement?
Oui, of course.
I've realized that's why
I sabotage relationships
when I just want them
to be over.
Instead of just
breaking things off,
I force guys to ghost me.
So, you want to break things
off avec moi?
You are a really,
really great ghost.
And if I was ready,
or if you were alive,
maybe this would be
different.
[ Sighs ] I understand.
You do?
Are you sure you don't want
to yell at me
in the back of an Uber
or something?
No, no, no.
I am done disrespecting women.
When I was among ze living,
I was a cad, a cheat.
I hurt every woman I ever loved,
and it killed me.
Hurt peoplehurt people.
Ohh
I don't want to hurt you.
Nor I you.
I want you to be happy.
[ Crying chuckles ]
I can't believe
how mature this breakup is.
[ Whooshing ]
Mon dieu!
What's happening?
My unfinished business!
I must have needed to have
a healthy breakup!
Or to make love to a woman
by possessing
a shirtless man's body.
Either way, farewell, sweet
Bridgette of House Pharmacist!
Goodbye, Henri!
Thanks for not freaking out
when I broke up with you!
No, I broke up with you!
I broke up with him.
Couch? No! No!
[ Sobbing ] No!
Oh, God
I never got to sit on you
[ T-Rex roars ]
Teller:
Next customer, please.
You excited to open your
very first savings account?
Yeah!
Coin purses are for kids.
[ Explosion ]
[ Crowd screaming ]
[ Metal shinks ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Roaring ]
[ Screaming continues ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Bones rattle ]
-[ Growls ]
-[ Screams ]
What do I do?
What do I do?
Run!
Josh?
♪♪
Here at
First Bank of Hollywood,
our interest rates
are out-of-this-world!
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
♪♪
Wow, ha, guess you, uh, would
expect high-production values
from Bank of Hollywood,
huh?
You know what we didn't expect?
For you to bail
on your family!
Hey, Earthling.
Here's a free coin purse.
We also have super-low interest
rates on our divorce loans.
Here's my card.
[ Gagging ]
♪♪
♪♪
Of course I want to be
the kind of guy
who'll protect his family
if shit goes down.
You wanna be John McClane.
Exactly.
But when it comes to
"fight or flight,"
my body just
always picks flight.
So
More of a John McLame?
Nailed it.
-Haha, points!
You hush up, Randy!
Not everyone's born brave.
Shoot, at the police academy,
we'd have recruits
come in all jumpy as hell,
scared of their own peckers.
Oh, we called
handguns "peckers."
Penises we called
"shotguns,"
and shotguns we called
"long dongs."
Anyway, with my training
I'd built 'em up
into tough-ass L.A. cops.
Wait, Pearle, could you
do that for me?
Train me to be brave
when my family's in danger?
Pearle?
[ Both shout ]
[ Thuds ]
We've already begun.
[ Chuckling ] Oh, man.
This is gonna be so sweet.
[ Dog growling, barking ]
[ Screaming ]
Oh! Oh, nooo!
Randy?
Woof, woof!
[ Panting ]
Tastes like fear!
Lesson Number One:
Danger's gonna come at you
from every direction.
Now, Alex made a scale replica
of Candice
out of eggs that you have
to protect at all times.
[ Button clicks ]
Daddy! Help me!
I made an Emily, too.
That's so many eggs.
Your coward gut is gonna
tell you to run,
so you've gotta listen
to your brain and fight!
[ Groans ]
Ha!
Your dong's
telling you "owww!"
Your environment
is your weapon!
[ Grunting ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Both grunt ]
They can't get you
if they can't see you.
[ Chuckling ]
But don't ever apply
fence varnish to your face.
And finally,
when you expect danger,
danger can't expect you!
[ Straining ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Shouts ]
Now your dong's
telling you ow.
[ Screaming ] Oww!
Yes!
I'm brave!
Simmer down, Thin Diesel.
This backyard stuff
was just phase
one of the training.
Phase two's gonna come at you
in the real world
when you least expect it.
And boy is it gonna blow
yourmind.
Bring it on.
[ Grunting ]
[ Eggs squishing ]
[ Saxophone playing ]
Deck the halls
with Q4 profits ♪
Up 13% year after year.
[ Saxophone continues ]
[ Glasses shatter ]
[ Crowd exclaiming ]
Whoa
Hey folks, it's been a heckuva
year for Food Corps!
But next year'll be even better
when we unveil
the Barbecue-Cumber!
Narrator: We took a pig
and a cucumber
and combined them.
[ Pig squeals ]
The Barbecue-Cumber.
Cool.
Hot as a cucumber.
I mean a cucumber that tastes
like pulled pork?
Ka-ching!
[ Grunting ] Hoo, ha!
Hyah! Ha!
And that, my friends,
is how you disarm
somebody who's holding
a churro.
[ Chomps ]
Yeah, real awesome, Josh.
Tell me, did Pearle teach you
how to disarm a fake alien?
Oh, ha ha ha.
I can take your sarcasm
'cause
I am a changed man, Em.
[ Pops ]
[ Screams ] Gun!
[ Groaning ]
[ Breaks squeaking ]
♪♪
Ha, wow, could you be
any more terrorist-y?
Huh, wow.
Could you be
any more dying now?
[ Water slamming ]
Damn it, Josh.
All that training and for what?
Ah man, my best white slip-ons!
[ Gunshot, glass shattering ]
Geez, they really
like champagne.
Jan: Now punch that one
over there!
[ Punches ]
Wait, That's not the sound of
people enjoying sparkling wine.
[ People screaming ]
[ Gasps deeply ]
♪♪
Phase two's gonna come at you
in the real world
when you least expect it.
Phase two!
Pearle's simulating
a terrorist takeover
just like in "Die Hard 2,"
except in a building!
Alright, Josh, let's do this.
[ Sleigh bells ringing ]
♪♪
[ German accent ] Hey!
Where you think you're going?
[ Chuckles ]
To save my family.
[ Growling ]
Whoa, you're really
going for it.
Love the commitment.
What are you
babbling about?
[ Chuckles ] So good.
Hoo! Ha! Hyah!
[ Shouts ]
[ Grunting loudly ]
Oh, my God
Pearle hired
professional stunt men!
You want
the Barbecue-Cumber?
But it's not
even available yet.
Exactly,
Mr. "Shark Tank" CEO.
That is why you will be
opening your vault
to be giving us
the genetic sequence.
What are you, some kind
of environmental activists?
Capitalists.
A vegetable
that is tasting
like smokey barbecue?
[ Chuckles ] We will be selling
to highest bidder.
Probably Whole Foods.
You'll have to kill me for it!
No, no, don't, don't.
I was just kidding.
We're insured
for this sort of thing.
Okee-dokee, let's get that vault
open before the killing.
Emily, what's my password?
I don't know, Mr. Salt.
That's okay.
We've got a protocol
for this type of situation.
"Who was your best friend
in grade school?"
Oh, geez, how could I choose
just one?
Are you even to be
kidding me right now?!
Josh, remember,
your environment
is your weapon.
[ Squashes ]
They can't get you
if they can't see you.
Jan: Juergen, we might needing
start blowing ze up the vault.
Juergen, comings in.
Juergen!
Josh: Sorry, pal.
Juergen just got creamed.
Who is this?
Your worst nightmare.
Oh, man,
that was so badass!
Oh, gotta unsqueeze
the button --
[ Static ]
Daddy?
[ Josh grunting ]
Who is this Green Day
American idiot?!
I-I honestly don't know.
Just some super-sexy
hero type?
I just
remembered it!
"My name is Mr. Salt,"
and the "E" is a three.
[ Vault chiming, beeping ]
♪♪
[ Sniffs deeply ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
The Barbecue-Cumber.
Soon I am being a billionaire.
[ Hose clanking ]
[ Punching ]
Final boss time!
Not another step,
Mr. George W. Cowboy.
Daddy!
It's okay, sweetie.
Daddy's crushing
this simulation.
What simulation?!
You know, this.
Pearle was training me
to be brave.
These guys
are all a part of it.
Josh, no, this is real.
These guys
are real bad guys.
Suuure, Em.
And I bet this paintball gun
shoots real bullets, too, huh?
This is real!
[ Sizzling ]
And it was Karl's
first day on job.
Well, internship.
Oh, man. Oh, man.
Josh!
Keep it together!
So pathetic.
And now,
Mr. Chocolate Chip Coward,
it is being time
for you to die.
[ Slo-mo laughter ]
[ Slo-mo panting ]
Run!
Let's get outta here!
No, we fight!
Right?
Don't look at me,
I'm just your dong.
I vote we run!
Well, if we have to run,
at least run
in the right direction!
[ Electricity crackling ]
[ Panting ]
[ Slo-mo laughter continues ]
[ Slo-mo panting continues ]
[ Squishes ]
No!
I wanted no part of this.
[ Straining ]
[ Slo-mo ] Nooo!
[ Grunts ]
[ Popcorn popping ]
[ Electric guitar "Jingle Bells"
plays ]
Oh my, God, Josh!
You're shot!
Where's --
There's -- There's no blood.
Whoooaaa
Saved by
out-of-this-world savings.
Man, if this is what
they do for Christmas,
I've gotta be here
for New Year's.
Hey, wait a minute.
I wonder what phase two
really was.
[ Chuckling ] Oh, man.
He's gonna shit!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪