Hiccups (2010) s02e04 Episode Script
Commercial Success
Hi.
I'm Millie Upton, creator of the Grumpaloo Gang.
Kids love reading my books.
It's fun, and it increases their ability to learn, so why not take the time to read a book with your child? You just might learn something too.
And cut.
That was great, Millie.
Thanks again for doing this.
Oh, no problem.
Oh, and hey, thank you so much for yelling "cut" and "action" so loud.
You should probably use one of those big cone things.
Help save your voice.
I'll keep that in mind.
Okay.
Five flawless takes in a row.
That's incredible.
You were so smooth and warm.
Your eyes sparkled like some kind of, um Pinball machine? Okay, pinball machine.
Where did you learn to sell like that? Oh, I have watched a lot of TV in my time.
I must have seen about a million thousand commercials.
Do another one, right now.
Hi.
I'm Millie Upton, here with Stan Dirko, reminding you to eat right and stay healthy.
Heart disease is no joke.
Alrighty, then.
Uh, here.
Do an ad about these tissues.
Winter is just around the corner, and with that comes your old friend influenza.
Don't let cheap tissues shred the flesh off your nose.
Use tender tissues.
They'll keep you smiling with every sneeze.
Wow.
You make me wish I had something in my nose right now.
I mean, yeah, it's ham and cheese, but it's on multigrain.
She's a natural pitchman.
Uh, here.
Pitch me this stuff.
She just doesn't know all the lingo.
Hey, honey.
Guess who helped Millie take a big step forward today.
Who cares? Close.
It was me.
Mm.
What's for lunch? Tuna sandwiches, just like we've had for the past seven years.
I love Tuna Tuesdays! It's Tuna Tuna Tuesday you're not singing I'm not in the mood for our tuna song.
I feel like I'm in a rut.
Oh, well, I guess we could have pizza.
We'd have to come up with a new song It's piz No, see, it should start with a "t.
" Taco! Taco Tuesday It is not the tuna or the taco.
It's the routine.
Every day's the same, and I feel I'm not working towards anything.
I need direction, guidance.
Uh-oh.
Hey, maybe you could life-coach me.
Well boy hee Do any of those noises mean "yes"? Ah, bloubhh ehh See, the thing is, as a life coach, like, I have to say some things that are, you know, not so nice.
I have to be brutally honest, which is never Like, friction could arise from from Honesty honesty isn't good in a marriage.
Have you not been honest with me? No.
No! See? I'm not even coaching yet.
Already, friction.
This is putting a damper on Tuna Tuesday.
This could open up a whole new stream of revenue Big endorsement deals from fat cat companies.
Please tell me you're interested.
Sure.
Doing TV is fun.
Someone does your makeup, and then someone else does your hair.
It's like having a sleepover without all the stupid giggling.
Hey, Joyce.
Guess what.
Taylor and I are going to go do some - Whoo! - Whoa! Oh, you made me dizzy.
Do it again.
What are you doing? Joyce can't know about any of this.
Why not? She's Betty Buzzkill.
She always says "no" to new ideas.
And I do the whole book tour on horseback! Whoo-whoo! No.
And I drop the book to the kids as I plummet to earth! No.
Arr! No.
No.
I don't know what that is.
No! Yeah, she does say that a lot, doesn't she? But she said yes to this commercial.
Sure, one rinky dink public service thing for charity.
Whoop-de-doo.
We can't let her blow our big money deals.
What are you two whispering about? - Football.
- Ninja turtles.
I was still using that plate.
It's a sandwich.
It was invented for hands.
All right, I'll use my hands.
It's recycling tonight.
Garbage and recycling.
You know, I've been giving this a lot of thought over the last seven seconds, and you're right.
Life coaching you is a great idea.
I thought you said it would cause friction in our marriage.
My mistake.
I'm going to start by asking you some questions.
Standard procedure.
Just answer honestly.
Name? Anna Dirko.
Dirko And marital status? Married.
Happily.
Happily.
Nice.
And how satisfied are you with your sex life? Would you say Very, Hugely, Over the moon? Is that question really on there? Over the moon.
Great news.
They made more muffins? I have no muffin news.
But I spoke to a couple of ad agencies.
And they want me to do commercials? They like the idea, but they're a little nervous because they don't know what you're like on camera.
Hello? I just did that public service thingy.
We don't have a copy of that yet.
Besides, it doesn't show your talent or your range.
Well, then, what's the great news? I own a video camera.
We just have to shoot some fake commercials and use them as examples.
Hot pants! So who's going to do my hair and make-up? Hot pants! And question 28, why do you feel the need to leave your socks in the bathtub? Can we just move on to my rut? Oh.
Okay.
That was the next thing anyway.
All right, what seems to be the problem? I spend my whole day working.
I don't have time for my business.
Work less.
No, I want to work more, but I can't because I'm so busy taking care of plants.
Get rid of plants.
No! I want to work with more plants, get more clients, maybe get into landscaping.
You know, expand and diversify.
Expansion Diversifize So should I put together a business plan? Maybe hire some employees first Where do I start? These are all good questions That I can't answer.
I feel we need to find you someone who can guide you through the world of business, like a mentor.
I thought you were my mentor.
No, no.
I'm your coach.
I'm not the world's best businessman.
Don't let the fancy office fool you.
Would you be my mentor? Do I have to do anything? Probably.
Then no.
She said no.
Well, sometimes it's how you ask that makes the difference.
Please, please, please, please.
All right, fine.
You stop whining.
It's all set up.
Now, what kinds of companies do we want to do commercials for? You're a children's author, so it could be something for kids.
Mm-mm.
Nope, that's what they'd be expecting.
I think we should do something more adult, contemporary, gritty.
You know, life can get a little tricky at times.
But it's amazing how many problems can be overcome when you have the right tools.
Rev it up Farvuuzen chainsaws have the snoose and the juice to get any job done.
Rev it up, rev it up Farvuuzen Why don't we just start with dish soap and we can see where we end up? You're the big cone guy.
And action! So you want to grow your business.
Yes.
I know we're in a different kind of All business is the same whether you're publishing books or just spritzing plants.
I just don't spritz the Well, when you boil it down to brass tacks, there's one key to success in business.
Hard work? Passion? Intimidation.
If other people have what you want, you have to one, let them know you want it, two, let them know you're going to take it, and three, take it.
But taking stuff sounds kind of I don't know, jerky.
Look.
Sheila is going to take the last of the coffee.
Go take it from her.
But I already had She has it.
You want it.
Go take it.
Hi, Sheila.
Uh I want some coffee.
Oh, I just got the last of it.
Maybe I can have yours.
You're funny.
Oh, are we out of coffee? I'll make another pot.
That was just sad.
Okay, now, in this one, you're a single woman.
It's late, and you're tired, but you can't sleep.
Action! When it's late at night and I can't sleep, the last thing I want is an alien mind probe.
That's why I use Brandon's aluminum foil.
Brandon's It keeps the aliens out and the freshness in.
Uh, cut.
Okay, not where I thought you'd go, but great job.
It's Joyce.
Take a break.
Don't say anything.
Hello? Taylor, an advertising agency left a message looking for Millie.
That's weird.
I wonder what that's about, that I have nothing to do with.
Is Millie with you? Maybe she knows what this is about.
Nope.
I, uh, I haven't seen her.
Taylor! I found some rubber gloves.
We should do a milk commercial.
What? Moo! P-choo! Moo! P-choo, p-choo! Moo! Are you at a farm? Yes.
Uh, can't talk.
The battery on my phone, uh, just died.
Now.
Bye.
Hey, star pupil.
How goes the mentoring? Well, it started out a little shaky, but I'm getting the hang of this business stuff.
That's great.
Let's go celebrate.
I'll buy you a coffee and a snack.
You don't have to buy snacks.
Jimmy Mm-hmm? What do you have over there? Uh, crackers and cheese.
Really? I'd like some crackers and cheese.
Oh, well, there's more in the kitchen.
I like the look of yours.
Well, I suppose I could share them.
That's right.
Keep walking.
See? Free snacks.
What the hell was that? You just took his snacks like some kind of cracker bully.
I did not.
I merely told him what I wanted, and he adopted a subordinate position based on my countenance.
Well, I'm not sure how I feel about eating ill-gotten bully cheese.
Yep.
It's tainted.
and remember, Javelle coffee gives you that extra jolt in the morning and calms your nerves at night.
Javelle coffee how does it know Impressive, huh? She's warm, personable.
Like a tiny blonde Maya Angelou.
She's a perfect fit for the Mama Dia Biscuit Company.
We had another celebrity lined up, but that fell through.
I'm Isadore P.
Nubbins, the world's oldest living human.
After 115 years, I've learned Mr.
Nubbins? Hey, Joyce.
Uh, quick question.
Do you think maybe there's a way that you could mentor my wife without turning her into a terrifying hard-ass? If Anna wants to be successful, she has to be tough.
The more terrifying and the harder the ass, the better.
She just stole a guy's cheese.
Really? She's making progress.
Good for her.
Bad for him.
She's becoming a bully.
In your eye.
In mine, she's becoming a CEO.
Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do.
I just think there's a nicer way to handle Anna! Okay, honey, let's move along.
You're actually kicking me out? There's no kicking.
There's physical grabbing and coercive pushiness.
Look, Joyce wants me to be firm, and this is important to me.
I'll make it up to you tonight.
How about pork chops for dinner? Yay! Great.
But don't overcook them.
I'll be home around 6:00.
Boo.
I'm a little nervous.
Aw, you're a natural.
You look great, you sound great.
You're like that mythological creature, the spokesmodel.
Oh, they're not mythological.
I saw one once at a boat show.
Or did I? I was a little drunk.
Millie Upton? Yes.
I'm Tad, with the production, and this is our director, Conner Hawthorn.
Oh, hi.
Great to meet you.
I am super good to go.
I know my lines and everything.
This wardrobe is all wrong.
She's supposed to look wholesome.
This looks tired and dated.
I'm not in wardrobe.
These are my own.
Why isn't she dressed? Get her into wardrobe and let's get this behind us, yes? This'll be fun.
It had better get more fun than that.
Uck.
Whoa, these are dry.
I took one bite and it sucked all the spit out of my head.
If you're finished having lunch, Ms.
Upton, why don't we start shooting? Um, I've been ready for about 15 minutes.
Oh, this guy is starting to shuck my corn.
Just remember, national commercial.
Big bucks here.
Quiet on the set.
Quiet, everybody! Give me honesty, authenticity.
You're a horse that just found water.
- I'm sorry? I'm a - Action! Hi.
I'm Millie Upton, creator of the Grumpaloo Gang, and when my tummy starts to "grumbaloo," I reach for a box of Mama Dia's Homestyle Biscuits.
They're delicious, nutritious, and as fresh as the day they were made.
Cut.
- Fantastic.
- Terrible.
Room for improvement.
Really? Not at all convincing.
Let's try again, okay? Okay.
Here we go.
And action.
I'm Millie Upton, creator of Mama Dia's Homestyle dammit! Cut.
Could somebody get Ms.
Upton her lines? She's forgotten them already.
It's "Hi.
I'm Millie I know who's Millie, and I know my lines.
She knows her lines.
Fine.
Here we go.
And Quiet, everybody! Action.
Hi! I'm Mama Dia No, you're not! Urrh! Geez, you're getting me frazzled! Is it all clear? It's becoming clearer.
You're either a leader or you're a sheep.
I was talking about Joyce.
Oh, she stepped out.
I'm looking after the office.
Jimmy! Less spritzing, more pruning.
Jimmy's doing your job? I poached him from Joyce.
It's part of my business plan.
Won't she be angry? Joyce is the enemy.
She said so herself.
Listen to you.
Business doesn't have to be about enemies and stealing and poaching.
It can be about hand-helping and Christmas bonuses and company picnics with three-legged races and potato salad.
Well, good gosh golly, Mr.
Dirko, I think we all learned a little something today.
I learned you're good at sneaking up on people.
And as Anna's life coach, I have to recommend that she find a new mentor.
And as her mentor, I recommend she find a new life coach.
Well, let's ask Anna how she feels.
Sure.
I don't know.
I feel empowered but partly uncertain.
There's also a part of me that partly feels Oh, pick a feeling already.
They're delicious and nutritious and as fresh as the day they were Cut! Again he cuts me off before I'm done.
We need to find a way to make this Cut! How does that feel? Maybe we should take a break.
It's too predictable.
It's coming off like a TV commercial.
I think it is a commercial.
Well, what do you think it is? Curse of the Zombie People? I don't make commercials.
I make moments.
Let's do it again.
Give me different.
Action.
Uh Hello, I'm Millie Upton, creator of the Grumpaloo Gang.
Forget the script.
Improvise.
You hungry for something good and yummy Boring! Be creative.
Fine! Hey, have you ever been so hungry that you'd eat a brick dipped in tar and covered with ants? Then haul your fat ass off the sofa for a change and grab a box of Mama Dia's "biscuits.
" They're cheaper than dirt and the next best thing to starving to death.
There! Is that what you want? - Perfect.
- Mm? It's funny.
It's honest.
It's anti-commercial.
The kids are going to love it.
Oh One momento, kemosabe.
Millie has her public image to protect.
You can't use that footage.
I believe we can.
Didn't you read the contract? What's it say? We need Joyce.
It says that? I knew you two were up to something.
Fine, I'll be right there.
Well, Anna, now's your chance to come watch me in action.
Whoo, a field trip! This is the best part of any class.
You can come too, Opie, see how business is done in the real world.
Probably gonna whack a guy.
You're right, Conner.
This contract is air-tight.
That's a wrap, people! It's a shame, really.
Now I'm going to have to give my good friend Arliss Philips a call and tell him I had a run-in with you.
He's a really big producer in this town? Bang! Straight to the jugular.
Arliss was a big producer in this town.
He works for me now.
Isn't that right, Arliss? Damn straight, boss.
Sandwich, Joyce? Do you have any egg salad? Oh, looks like your mentor missed the jugular and hit the one that's not that vital.
Doc, can you do something? I don't know if I can, Millie.
I mean, these highfalutin contracts aren't really my area of expertise.
But sometimes in life you have to ask yourself, does having the right make it right? Just because we can do something, does that mean we should? It makes you think, doesn't it? Nope.
Try giving him a puppy.
He doesn't deserve a puppy! Give him a snake.
Now that we're done playing hardball and being sappy, I'm going to take the incredible footage that's on this memory chip here, and I'm going to bring it to the producer You bit the chip in half.
What is wrong with you? Tasted better than those knobby biscuits.
Let's wrap it up, people.
So I don't know what to do know.
I'm happy Joyce doesn't mentor me anymore because I don't want to be a bully.
But on the other hand, I don't want people to take my crackers, either.
Maybe I'm not cut out to be successful.
Maybe you just need to realize how successful you already are.
I mean, you're smart, you're funny, you're gorgeous, you run your own business, you have a great cozy home And, according to a recent survey, a husband who's a dynamo in the boudoir.
I guess I am successful.
Yeah, I guess you are.
I just don't want this bad experience to have soured you off of doing TV spots.
Oh, I still want to do TV spots.
Yes! I just don't want to be a shill for corporate jerks.
I'm going to go back to doing honest, wholesome public service stuff.
And that's why I think it's important for all of us to vote yes on Bill 5-21 at election time.
You know Bill 5-21 would close all municipal libraries, right? I did not know that, no.
So little Missy Grumpaloo went from town to town selling her wonder potion that she said could cure the flu and grow hair.
But a Grumpaloo who drank her potion became horribly ill.
His neck swelled and his eyes bulled out.
Everyone was scared.
But Missy said, "don't worry, folks.
"I have another potion here "that can cure swollen necks and bulgy eyes, and it's only 20 bucks a bottle.
"
I'm Millie Upton, creator of the Grumpaloo Gang.
Kids love reading my books.
It's fun, and it increases their ability to learn, so why not take the time to read a book with your child? You just might learn something too.
And cut.
That was great, Millie.
Thanks again for doing this.
Oh, no problem.
Oh, and hey, thank you so much for yelling "cut" and "action" so loud.
You should probably use one of those big cone things.
Help save your voice.
I'll keep that in mind.
Okay.
Five flawless takes in a row.
That's incredible.
You were so smooth and warm.
Your eyes sparkled like some kind of, um Pinball machine? Okay, pinball machine.
Where did you learn to sell like that? Oh, I have watched a lot of TV in my time.
I must have seen about a million thousand commercials.
Do another one, right now.
Hi.
I'm Millie Upton, here with Stan Dirko, reminding you to eat right and stay healthy.
Heart disease is no joke.
Alrighty, then.
Uh, here.
Do an ad about these tissues.
Winter is just around the corner, and with that comes your old friend influenza.
Don't let cheap tissues shred the flesh off your nose.
Use tender tissues.
They'll keep you smiling with every sneeze.
Wow.
You make me wish I had something in my nose right now.
I mean, yeah, it's ham and cheese, but it's on multigrain.
She's a natural pitchman.
Uh, here.
Pitch me this stuff.
She just doesn't know all the lingo.
Hey, honey.
Guess who helped Millie take a big step forward today.
Who cares? Close.
It was me.
Mm.
What's for lunch? Tuna sandwiches, just like we've had for the past seven years.
I love Tuna Tuesdays! It's Tuna Tuna Tuesday you're not singing I'm not in the mood for our tuna song.
I feel like I'm in a rut.
Oh, well, I guess we could have pizza.
We'd have to come up with a new song It's piz No, see, it should start with a "t.
" Taco! Taco Tuesday It is not the tuna or the taco.
It's the routine.
Every day's the same, and I feel I'm not working towards anything.
I need direction, guidance.
Uh-oh.
Hey, maybe you could life-coach me.
Well boy hee Do any of those noises mean "yes"? Ah, bloubhh ehh See, the thing is, as a life coach, like, I have to say some things that are, you know, not so nice.
I have to be brutally honest, which is never Like, friction could arise from from Honesty honesty isn't good in a marriage.
Have you not been honest with me? No.
No! See? I'm not even coaching yet.
Already, friction.
This is putting a damper on Tuna Tuesday.
This could open up a whole new stream of revenue Big endorsement deals from fat cat companies.
Please tell me you're interested.
Sure.
Doing TV is fun.
Someone does your makeup, and then someone else does your hair.
It's like having a sleepover without all the stupid giggling.
Hey, Joyce.
Guess what.
Taylor and I are going to go do some - Whoo! - Whoa! Oh, you made me dizzy.
Do it again.
What are you doing? Joyce can't know about any of this.
Why not? She's Betty Buzzkill.
She always says "no" to new ideas.
And I do the whole book tour on horseback! Whoo-whoo! No.
And I drop the book to the kids as I plummet to earth! No.
Arr! No.
No.
I don't know what that is.
No! Yeah, she does say that a lot, doesn't she? But she said yes to this commercial.
Sure, one rinky dink public service thing for charity.
Whoop-de-doo.
We can't let her blow our big money deals.
What are you two whispering about? - Football.
- Ninja turtles.
I was still using that plate.
It's a sandwich.
It was invented for hands.
All right, I'll use my hands.
It's recycling tonight.
Garbage and recycling.
You know, I've been giving this a lot of thought over the last seven seconds, and you're right.
Life coaching you is a great idea.
I thought you said it would cause friction in our marriage.
My mistake.
I'm going to start by asking you some questions.
Standard procedure.
Just answer honestly.
Name? Anna Dirko.
Dirko And marital status? Married.
Happily.
Happily.
Nice.
And how satisfied are you with your sex life? Would you say Very, Hugely, Over the moon? Is that question really on there? Over the moon.
Great news.
They made more muffins? I have no muffin news.
But I spoke to a couple of ad agencies.
And they want me to do commercials? They like the idea, but they're a little nervous because they don't know what you're like on camera.
Hello? I just did that public service thingy.
We don't have a copy of that yet.
Besides, it doesn't show your talent or your range.
Well, then, what's the great news? I own a video camera.
We just have to shoot some fake commercials and use them as examples.
Hot pants! So who's going to do my hair and make-up? Hot pants! And question 28, why do you feel the need to leave your socks in the bathtub? Can we just move on to my rut? Oh.
Okay.
That was the next thing anyway.
All right, what seems to be the problem? I spend my whole day working.
I don't have time for my business.
Work less.
No, I want to work more, but I can't because I'm so busy taking care of plants.
Get rid of plants.
No! I want to work with more plants, get more clients, maybe get into landscaping.
You know, expand and diversify.
Expansion Diversifize So should I put together a business plan? Maybe hire some employees first Where do I start? These are all good questions That I can't answer.
I feel we need to find you someone who can guide you through the world of business, like a mentor.
I thought you were my mentor.
No, no.
I'm your coach.
I'm not the world's best businessman.
Don't let the fancy office fool you.
Would you be my mentor? Do I have to do anything? Probably.
Then no.
She said no.
Well, sometimes it's how you ask that makes the difference.
Please, please, please, please.
All right, fine.
You stop whining.
It's all set up.
Now, what kinds of companies do we want to do commercials for? You're a children's author, so it could be something for kids.
Mm-mm.
Nope, that's what they'd be expecting.
I think we should do something more adult, contemporary, gritty.
You know, life can get a little tricky at times.
But it's amazing how many problems can be overcome when you have the right tools.
Rev it up Farvuuzen chainsaws have the snoose and the juice to get any job done.
Rev it up, rev it up Farvuuzen Why don't we just start with dish soap and we can see where we end up? You're the big cone guy.
And action! So you want to grow your business.
Yes.
I know we're in a different kind of All business is the same whether you're publishing books or just spritzing plants.
I just don't spritz the Well, when you boil it down to brass tacks, there's one key to success in business.
Hard work? Passion? Intimidation.
If other people have what you want, you have to one, let them know you want it, two, let them know you're going to take it, and three, take it.
But taking stuff sounds kind of I don't know, jerky.
Look.
Sheila is going to take the last of the coffee.
Go take it from her.
But I already had She has it.
You want it.
Go take it.
Hi, Sheila.
Uh I want some coffee.
Oh, I just got the last of it.
Maybe I can have yours.
You're funny.
Oh, are we out of coffee? I'll make another pot.
That was just sad.
Okay, now, in this one, you're a single woman.
It's late, and you're tired, but you can't sleep.
Action! When it's late at night and I can't sleep, the last thing I want is an alien mind probe.
That's why I use Brandon's aluminum foil.
Brandon's It keeps the aliens out and the freshness in.
Uh, cut.
Okay, not where I thought you'd go, but great job.
It's Joyce.
Take a break.
Don't say anything.
Hello? Taylor, an advertising agency left a message looking for Millie.
That's weird.
I wonder what that's about, that I have nothing to do with.
Is Millie with you? Maybe she knows what this is about.
Nope.
I, uh, I haven't seen her.
Taylor! I found some rubber gloves.
We should do a milk commercial.
What? Moo! P-choo! Moo! P-choo, p-choo! Moo! Are you at a farm? Yes.
Uh, can't talk.
The battery on my phone, uh, just died.
Now.
Bye.
Hey, star pupil.
How goes the mentoring? Well, it started out a little shaky, but I'm getting the hang of this business stuff.
That's great.
Let's go celebrate.
I'll buy you a coffee and a snack.
You don't have to buy snacks.
Jimmy Mm-hmm? What do you have over there? Uh, crackers and cheese.
Really? I'd like some crackers and cheese.
Oh, well, there's more in the kitchen.
I like the look of yours.
Well, I suppose I could share them.
That's right.
Keep walking.
See? Free snacks.
What the hell was that? You just took his snacks like some kind of cracker bully.
I did not.
I merely told him what I wanted, and he adopted a subordinate position based on my countenance.
Well, I'm not sure how I feel about eating ill-gotten bully cheese.
Yep.
It's tainted.
and remember, Javelle coffee gives you that extra jolt in the morning and calms your nerves at night.
Javelle coffee how does it know Impressive, huh? She's warm, personable.
Like a tiny blonde Maya Angelou.
She's a perfect fit for the Mama Dia Biscuit Company.
We had another celebrity lined up, but that fell through.
I'm Isadore P.
Nubbins, the world's oldest living human.
After 115 years, I've learned Mr.
Nubbins? Hey, Joyce.
Uh, quick question.
Do you think maybe there's a way that you could mentor my wife without turning her into a terrifying hard-ass? If Anna wants to be successful, she has to be tough.
The more terrifying and the harder the ass, the better.
She just stole a guy's cheese.
Really? She's making progress.
Good for her.
Bad for him.
She's becoming a bully.
In your eye.
In mine, she's becoming a CEO.
Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do.
I just think there's a nicer way to handle Anna! Okay, honey, let's move along.
You're actually kicking me out? There's no kicking.
There's physical grabbing and coercive pushiness.
Look, Joyce wants me to be firm, and this is important to me.
I'll make it up to you tonight.
How about pork chops for dinner? Yay! Great.
But don't overcook them.
I'll be home around 6:00.
Boo.
I'm a little nervous.
Aw, you're a natural.
You look great, you sound great.
You're like that mythological creature, the spokesmodel.
Oh, they're not mythological.
I saw one once at a boat show.
Or did I? I was a little drunk.
Millie Upton? Yes.
I'm Tad, with the production, and this is our director, Conner Hawthorn.
Oh, hi.
Great to meet you.
I am super good to go.
I know my lines and everything.
This wardrobe is all wrong.
She's supposed to look wholesome.
This looks tired and dated.
I'm not in wardrobe.
These are my own.
Why isn't she dressed? Get her into wardrobe and let's get this behind us, yes? This'll be fun.
It had better get more fun than that.
Uck.
Whoa, these are dry.
I took one bite and it sucked all the spit out of my head.
If you're finished having lunch, Ms.
Upton, why don't we start shooting? Um, I've been ready for about 15 minutes.
Oh, this guy is starting to shuck my corn.
Just remember, national commercial.
Big bucks here.
Quiet on the set.
Quiet, everybody! Give me honesty, authenticity.
You're a horse that just found water.
- I'm sorry? I'm a - Action! Hi.
I'm Millie Upton, creator of the Grumpaloo Gang, and when my tummy starts to "grumbaloo," I reach for a box of Mama Dia's Homestyle Biscuits.
They're delicious, nutritious, and as fresh as the day they were made.
Cut.
- Fantastic.
- Terrible.
Room for improvement.
Really? Not at all convincing.
Let's try again, okay? Okay.
Here we go.
And action.
I'm Millie Upton, creator of Mama Dia's Homestyle dammit! Cut.
Could somebody get Ms.
Upton her lines? She's forgotten them already.
It's "Hi.
I'm Millie I know who's Millie, and I know my lines.
She knows her lines.
Fine.
Here we go.
And Quiet, everybody! Action.
Hi! I'm Mama Dia No, you're not! Urrh! Geez, you're getting me frazzled! Is it all clear? It's becoming clearer.
You're either a leader or you're a sheep.
I was talking about Joyce.
Oh, she stepped out.
I'm looking after the office.
Jimmy! Less spritzing, more pruning.
Jimmy's doing your job? I poached him from Joyce.
It's part of my business plan.
Won't she be angry? Joyce is the enemy.
She said so herself.
Listen to you.
Business doesn't have to be about enemies and stealing and poaching.
It can be about hand-helping and Christmas bonuses and company picnics with three-legged races and potato salad.
Well, good gosh golly, Mr.
Dirko, I think we all learned a little something today.
I learned you're good at sneaking up on people.
And as Anna's life coach, I have to recommend that she find a new mentor.
And as her mentor, I recommend she find a new life coach.
Well, let's ask Anna how she feels.
Sure.
I don't know.
I feel empowered but partly uncertain.
There's also a part of me that partly feels Oh, pick a feeling already.
They're delicious and nutritious and as fresh as the day they were Cut! Again he cuts me off before I'm done.
We need to find a way to make this Cut! How does that feel? Maybe we should take a break.
It's too predictable.
It's coming off like a TV commercial.
I think it is a commercial.
Well, what do you think it is? Curse of the Zombie People? I don't make commercials.
I make moments.
Let's do it again.
Give me different.
Action.
Uh Hello, I'm Millie Upton, creator of the Grumpaloo Gang.
Forget the script.
Improvise.
You hungry for something good and yummy Boring! Be creative.
Fine! Hey, have you ever been so hungry that you'd eat a brick dipped in tar and covered with ants? Then haul your fat ass off the sofa for a change and grab a box of Mama Dia's "biscuits.
" They're cheaper than dirt and the next best thing to starving to death.
There! Is that what you want? - Perfect.
- Mm? It's funny.
It's honest.
It's anti-commercial.
The kids are going to love it.
Oh One momento, kemosabe.
Millie has her public image to protect.
You can't use that footage.
I believe we can.
Didn't you read the contract? What's it say? We need Joyce.
It says that? I knew you two were up to something.
Fine, I'll be right there.
Well, Anna, now's your chance to come watch me in action.
Whoo, a field trip! This is the best part of any class.
You can come too, Opie, see how business is done in the real world.
Probably gonna whack a guy.
You're right, Conner.
This contract is air-tight.
That's a wrap, people! It's a shame, really.
Now I'm going to have to give my good friend Arliss Philips a call and tell him I had a run-in with you.
He's a really big producer in this town? Bang! Straight to the jugular.
Arliss was a big producer in this town.
He works for me now.
Isn't that right, Arliss? Damn straight, boss.
Sandwich, Joyce? Do you have any egg salad? Oh, looks like your mentor missed the jugular and hit the one that's not that vital.
Doc, can you do something? I don't know if I can, Millie.
I mean, these highfalutin contracts aren't really my area of expertise.
But sometimes in life you have to ask yourself, does having the right make it right? Just because we can do something, does that mean we should? It makes you think, doesn't it? Nope.
Try giving him a puppy.
He doesn't deserve a puppy! Give him a snake.
Now that we're done playing hardball and being sappy, I'm going to take the incredible footage that's on this memory chip here, and I'm going to bring it to the producer You bit the chip in half.
What is wrong with you? Tasted better than those knobby biscuits.
Let's wrap it up, people.
So I don't know what to do know.
I'm happy Joyce doesn't mentor me anymore because I don't want to be a bully.
But on the other hand, I don't want people to take my crackers, either.
Maybe I'm not cut out to be successful.
Maybe you just need to realize how successful you already are.
I mean, you're smart, you're funny, you're gorgeous, you run your own business, you have a great cozy home And, according to a recent survey, a husband who's a dynamo in the boudoir.
I guess I am successful.
Yeah, I guess you are.
I just don't want this bad experience to have soured you off of doing TV spots.
Oh, I still want to do TV spots.
Yes! I just don't want to be a shill for corporate jerks.
I'm going to go back to doing honest, wholesome public service stuff.
And that's why I think it's important for all of us to vote yes on Bill 5-21 at election time.
You know Bill 5-21 would close all municipal libraries, right? I did not know that, no.
So little Missy Grumpaloo went from town to town selling her wonder potion that she said could cure the flu and grow hair.
But a Grumpaloo who drank her potion became horribly ill.
His neck swelled and his eyes bulled out.
Everyone was scared.
But Missy said, "don't worry, folks.
"I have another potion here "that can cure swollen necks and bulgy eyes, and it's only 20 bucks a bottle.
"