Hiccups (2010) s02e08 Episode Script

Why are you stretching? Just warming up.
Last dinner party, Millie made us play full-contact charades.
Right, I should have worn pants.
I can tell you one thing, I'm not playing "shots and ladders" again.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
I was parking the car.
You texted that you were parking the car 30 minutes ago.
"Parking the car" is a euphemism.
Oh, my God.
Was he parking a car or not? I'm confused.
You know, it's like when you and I "fold the towels.
" But you never Oooohhh Where is she? Maybe I'll fake a headache after dinner.
I'm going to fake an allergic reaction.
No, no.
Nobody is backing out of anything.
Millie's been planning this dinner party for weeks.
It's important to her.
Hey, guys.
What's goin' on? Your dinner party? That you've been planning for weeks.
That's important to you.
Is that tonight? We could come back another time.
What? No! I've got this.
I mean, you guys could have given me a bit more notice Is there anything we can do to help? You sit tight, sister.
I hope nobody's allergic to gummies because dinner is served.
Wow.
You really went all out.
Is that caramel sauce on my perogie? Oh, that's called "a pizzanada," and I find that the sweet really brings out the salty.
Oh, you are a naughty girl Could you not sext at the table? You guys all set? I am so glad we finally got a chance to do this.
See you! What? You're leaving? Well, Betty on the third floor is having a dinner party.
But, you're wearing pyjama pants! I think it might be a slumber party.
Lock up when you leave.
Oh, you're a saucy one Yes, you are.
I don't feel good.
Me neither.
And I don't even remember drinking last night, so I must've drank a lot.
We didn't drink.
It was all that sugar and processed garbage.
I'm just glad we don't eat like that.
Me too.
You want a Danish? You didn't hear a word I said.
Two danishes coming up.
I don't want one.
I know.
Sorry I'm late.
Is Millie here yet? No.
Hah! I'm not as late as she is.
That's something to be proud of.
Is that her? UhNo.
Definitely not.
Are those are the same clothes you were wearing last night? Minus the boxers.
I don't know what the hell happened to those.
And you're sexting again.
I prefer to call it "phonocating.
" Well, it's starting to affect your work.
You're late, you're underwearless On my furniture.
I have to go.
Small emergency.
And now you're leaving? A colleague needs my input.
Wait, you just can't Hey, Millie.
Great dinner party.
Good for you.
What's he talking about? Your dinner party.
Oh, that is gonna be so awesome! You're coming, right? Um, so where is the outline for your new book? I knew I forgot something! Well, go home and get it.
No, I forgot to write it.
Taylor! Is that you? Heeeeey you! How are you? I'm just fine.
Wow, it's been so long since I've seen you.
It has.
So long.
Well, you look great.
You look amazing, as per ushe.
Listen, I have an extra hour.
Why don't we grab a coffee and catch up.
Better still, my apartment's nearby.
We could go there and "catch up" our brains out.
Um, you don't know who I am, do you? You hit on your cousin? It's creepy, right? Yes, it's creepy.
Extremely creepy.
I mean, if she was my second or third cousin, no problem.
No.
Still very, very disturbing.
Wow.
I come here for some professional help and all I get is a big, round face full of judgement.
Oh, you came here for help? I thought you were just coming in here to brag.
What is going on with you lately? You're distracted? You're Millie? Whoa.
Sorry.
I kind of zoned out there for a sec.
Give me a minute and I'll reboot.
Okay! There we go! Whoo! That fairy dust has got some kick.
What is wrong with you? It's pretty obvious, it's her diet.
Anna! What are you doing here? You want to race? You can't keep eating like this.
You need vegetables and whole grains and greens.
This is green.
I think you should go on a cleanse with me.
That is a fantastic idea.
Flush out your system.
Detoxify.
I don't know.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
We'll all do it! Yeah! Wait.
What? I have a couple of tally counters here.
We'll use them to track your sexual thoughts.
Why do you have one? I'll be the control group of the experiment.
The norm, if you will.
You're going to be the norm? Maybe if we were in a monastery.
I'll have you know the sheets stay plenty warm over at Chez Dirko.
Anyway, just give that a click any time you have a sexual thought and we'll be able to gauge-- No.
You're supposed to click it when you have a sexual thought.
You said "gauge" Shotgun-front seat Front seat-back seat Back seat-drive-in Drive in Vicki Palmer.
Don't judge me.
Okay, so no sugar, corn, dairy, meat No meat! No corn! You know what, I'm out.
Oh, I'm not doing it if Joyce isn't.
Fine.
I'll do it.
Great! To 10 days-- of good health.
To a meatless, boozeless hell.
To being single, drinking doubles and seeing triple.
Oh, God.
That's disgusting.
With a hint of gross.
Stan! Breakfast! I had this weird dream where my cousin was chasing me.
What's cookin'? Millet porridge.
Mm, sounds interesting.
What am I having? We are both having this.
Oh, good.
That's what I was hoping.
Is there any coffee? I can't have coffee.
There's hot lemon water.
Well, it's just, you know, I'm not on the cleanse, so I thought maybe I could You could what? Sit there and drink coffee in front of my face? I could turn my back, can't I, or That is good millet, honey.
Oh, no, please.
Conduct your precious business in front of the doorway 'cause it's really, really helpful.
I am so sorry.
It's just, I'm not myself this morn--ow! Why is this chair where it always is? Who did this? Two glasses of water down.
Six more to go.
Do you know what I ate for breakfast this morning? Quinoa! I tried to look it up to see what it was, but I couldn't spell it.
I can't do this.
That's just the toxins talking.
Well, the toxins are telling me to haul my ass to Tubby Burger.
We're all suffering here.
Do you know how hard it is for me to drink this much water without putting any scotch in it? And I'm getting a headache from coffee withdrawal.
I'm getting a headache from your stupid voices.
We're just trying to help you.
You don't have to be such an angry cow.
Oh, you'd better check your watch, Anna, because it is go-time! Okay, why don't the three of us just get out of here for a little while, huh? Sorry I tried to fight you, Anna.
That's okay.
Besides, I would have taken you to school.
Okay, let's see how we made out with the clicker.
Oh! Hang on.
You said "made out.
" That's not so bad.
Actually, I rolled it over.
You thought about sex How many times did you? Four.
I thought about four while I was brusngng my teeth this morning.
Well, I have a lot on my mind.
There's chores Why am I defending myself to you? You're the one with the problem.
And four's not a problem? Look, let's not get off topic here.
I think you might need to see a professional sex No! I've never been to a pro in my life.
Sex therapist, you dirty-minded How'd you know it was dirty? Hello? 1046.
Five.
Everything on this menu is served raw! That can't be legal.
I could get salmonzilla.
Oh, don't worry.
It's perfectly healthy.
Right, Anna? My face is hot.
But my body's cold.
Hey, how about nachos? Falafel chips with bean sprouts and lentils are not nachos.
That's something that you put at the bottom of your hamster cage-- if you hate your hamster.
Ladies.
Would you care for a glass of fresh-squeezed beet-celery juice? Is there caffeine in it? Absolutely not.
Well, then shove it up your What is wrong with you people! Food is meant to be cooked and seasoned and packaged for our convenience! Not just ripped out of the ground and thrown on a plate! What are we, savages? We'll need a few more minutes.
So Millie takes one bite of her flax roll and spits it across the room into some woman's soup.
Yeah, you girls and your diets.
It's not a diet.
It's a cleanse.
So, nothing on TV, I guess.
I thought The Amazing Race was on.
It's a rerun.
So Suppose it's too early to go to bed Stan, I have a splitting headache and it's all I can do to keep this green stuff from shooting out of my stomach like a scene from The Exorcist.
Hey, I think The Amazing Race is on.
I would carry this ring in a box and I would tell women that I was going to propose to my girlfriend, but she dumped me before I could.
Nice! It's clever.
I would have never thought of that.
Why don't we move along? Would you like to share? Hmm? No.
I'm fine.
I'm just here to support.
Everything's good with me.
Sure, if you consider thinking about sex four times a day normal.
Only four times? Really? Okay, okay, let's just-- you know-- my wife is on a cleanse, so she's maybe not as keen to None of your business.
Have you tried giving her a foot massage? Maybe paint her toenails.
I haven't-- Does she have nice feet? Describe her feet.
How about some lingerie? Yeah.
Put some of that on.
We're getting into dangerous territory here.
I will not think about food.
Do not think about food Do not look at that guy Do not look at that guy It's Chocotown's grand opening! Care for a free sample? Stay away from me, hellspawn! Sorry.
Excuse me.
Watch where you're-- Whoa are those sprinkles? Yeah.
Oh, you smell nice Yeah Come here.
No.
I said, come here.
Hey, Joyce, do you have an aspirin? This headache is getting worse.
What's in your mouth? Mm.
I smell pastrami It's corned beef.
I know you're disappointed, but I just can't Oh, my God, it's so bread-y.
Have you tried a squirrel costume? Women dig that.
I don't think they do.
I have a swing I could lend you.
What is wrong with you people? Look, I'm just here to support my friend-- who is starting to look pretty normal right about now.
So let's just forget about me and my wife.
Stan! I need you right now! All right! That's not his wife.
All right! I must have chased that poor bastard around four blocks before I realized he wasn't really ice cream.
Okay, so what can I do to help? I need a pep talk stat! Before I snap and kill some other food-related mascot.
Is that pepperoni on your breath? Spit some in my mouth! Gross! No! Come on, come on, look.
There's no reason you can't do this.
I mean, who once threw their hip out just to beat a bunch of 4-year-olds at hula hoop? I did.
Who once chewed the same piece of gum for eight weeks in a row just to prove a point? I did.
And who successfully postponed a condo development for over a year by making up a fake endangered species? Me again! There's nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it.
Now get out of here and start Cleansing! Okay! Why were you in a sex addicts meeting? It's a long story.
Okay! When did you start cheating on the cleanse? Let's see.
Daaaay One.
Unbelievable.
Ditch the halo, sister.
You wolfed down my hoagie so fast, you almost ate your own hand.
I know.
I feel so bad.
I'm ordering another one.
Good afternoon, ladies! Isn't it a beautiful day? Millie! You look surprisingly upbeat.
Thanks to Stan's pep talk, I've got my second wind.
And here is your outline per request.
Nice work.
Thank you.
Millie, Joyce and I just-- Just wanted to let you know how well we think you're doing on the cleanse.
Thanks to my two cleanse buddies whose strength got me through my darkest hours.
Yeah, well, we do what we can.
What do you say that I take my two favourite gals out for lunch? I thought maybe we'd try that uncooked place again.
Oh, I just ate.
But Joyce was just saying how hungry she is.
Hot pockets! Let's go.
I'll meet you in the lobby.
I'm just gonna grab some more water before we go.
Gotta get my eight glasses in! Hello, my little muffin.
What're you eating? I thought you were on some kind of a cleanse.
I was.
But now I'm not because I'm a dirty, rotten cheater.
Oh, so you're not feeling head-achey and barfy anymore? Nope.
Just full of self-loathing.
Well, maybe I can help.
I could give you a foot rub? I don't deserve one.
I could paint your toenails.
Why? I'm not sure exactly.
Let me just rub your feet.
No.
Wait.
What are you doing? That tickles.
Geez.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I just--you know, I was just trying to get a mood going.
I am not in the mood to get a mood going.
Partly because I'm a cheater and partly because I ate a hoagie and a tub of ice cream today.
Okay.
No, that's fine.
That's I'll just maybe I'll go for a walk.
What's that? Oh, it's It's just a pedometer.
I wanted to thank you and Anna for dragging me into this cleanse and being so patient with me.
Yeah, yeah well Can I get more water, please! It completely changed my life.
Well, goody for you.
Colours are brighter, the air is fresher, and I'm more patient when I tie my shoes You feel like twirling around on a mountaintop while singing at the top of your lungs? Taylor! How did you know? I, too, am feeling the euphoric high of self-denial.
I'm off the sex! I went to a meeting and I'm a changed man! Really? One meeting and you're cured? Smells are sharper.
Touches are tinglier.
Feel this glass.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
Joyce, you want in on this? Where the hell is that waiter? I'm drying up over here! I just had the most incredible lunch at Farragamos.
Best lasagna in town.
Oh! I forgot.
You're both still on a cleanse.
That's lasagna? Look what I've started.
I'll see you both later.
But you both look so great! Oh, Taylor! Oh, no.
That's fine.
I'll get rid of this so we're not tempted, okay? You're a good friend.
Stan, I just wanted to come by and thank you again.
I'm a sex-free man and I'm loving it.
Well congratulations.
Uh-oh.
I recognize that sound.
Come on, let me see it.
Well, I've been trying to set a mood with Anna, but nothing seems to be working.
I don't know, maybe I was wrong.
Maybe you're the one with the normal, healthy kind of a drive, and I'm the one with the problem.
Don't say that.
You have helped me so much.
Now, the old Taylor would try to make you feel better by dragging you out to the peelers and getting you drunk, but now my mind is clear, I'm focused And didn't I have a lasagna? Mm! That is so good! That's why you called me down here? To watch you eat Taylor's lasagna? You bet.
Revenge for eating my hoagie.
You know there's seven cheeses in this? Give me some right now.
Hey! That's not sanitary.
Mm! That's so good! Ahem! Millie.
I was just on my way over to share a recipe that I found-- a luscious hemp-seed tofu Pesto, but I can see that that's not necessary.
We are weak and spineless beings.
She is.
I just really like meat.
Can you forgive us? No.
Even if we give you the rest of the lasagna? No! I can't! This cleanse is about more than just health.
It's about strength, about willpower, and, by everything that is pure and holy, I will see this through to the end.
- Good for you! - That's awesome! Are you with me? Not on your life.
Anna, I need to talk to you about Stan.
His tally count is through the roof.
I don't know what that means.
He's feeling neglected.
In the laundry department.
His sheets need fluffing.
The fabric needs softening? The towels need folding? That's the one.
Ay, que boba soy.
That's why he wanted to paint my toes.
But why are you telling me this? Because Stan helped me to realize that there's no such thing as normal, whether you're "parking the car," or "folding the laundry," or pushing a squirrel on a swing.
I don't know that last one.
Let Stan show you.
You give him hell, Anna! Well, hello.
Hey, honey.
Look, I know you've been feeling bad so I made a healthy-- or we could eat later.
Aaand that's it! Congratulations.
Your cleanse is officially over.
I did it! I really did it! So, what would you like to do now? Oh Get back here! I just want one of your coupons! One day, Missy Grumpaloo woke up feeling terrible.
She had a tummy ache and a headache and a toothache all at the same time.
Momma Grumpaloo told Missy she was eating too many colourful candies and too many salty snacks.
For the next few days, Missy was given nothing but healthy green vegetables and bright juicy fruits.
The new diet made her head and tummy feel better, but it made her foot really sore and everyone else a little frightened.