House of Lies s02e12 Episode Script

Previously on House of lies I'm out, I will start my own shop.
You want to fuck my shit up? I will fuck yours up, too.
I was thinking that it was time for you to run your own pod.
- I thought you were coming with me.
- I am.
- I can't do it.
I'm calling Marty.
- No! You're gonna go in there, and you're gonna do this yourself.
Because of my connections, I'm gonna bring so much after work casheesh to this company.
I'm just saying that the Carlson deal is not even closed yet.
Is something going on with you and Marty? No.
Are you breaking up with me? I don't think you should.
I'm sorry.
You fucked me over, okay? You played me.
Let's go to Vegas.
Copy of the deal is sitting on my desk.
I'll sign it when I get there.
You motherfucker! Mr.
pincus, fucking over Mike Carlson? That has got to be pretty fucking exciting.
Kiddies, take a good look around.
By this time tomorrow, we don't work here anymore.
- Please come with me, sir.
- Please join them.
- All right.
- Photo time now? Great.
Perfect.
All right, let's do it.
Here.
All right.
Uh give me a little smile.
You know, pretend that you're enjoying yourself.
Well, no, no, no, hold on, hold on.
This is not what we talked about.
And cue artsy bullshit.
What we talked about-- correct me if I'm wrong-- is a stark, uninflected style, reminiscent of late-career avedon.
You said you knew who that was.
I didn't.
Doug, no one gives a fuck.
- I give an "f," okay? - You know, why don't we just do bunny ears and say "cheese"? Why don't we just take this goddamn fucking picture? Everyone do bunny ears, I'll do 'em on myself.
I am.
Well, you know, it's I still say you're an idiot.
Kids? Five minutes, my office, guys.
"Five minutes, my office.
" My God.
That might be the last time we ever hear those words.
You think about that? I'm pretty sure he'll have an office in the new shop, right? So we're into some endgame shit right now.
We got to finesse this a little.
C-can I just suggest that this might be a good time to take a beat? Do a really deep drill-down and verify that the environmentals are even ripe for a new shop; They may not be.
Douglas, did someone sprinkle a little extra pussy in your cereal this morning? This move is fucking epic, we get it done now, correct? Okay.
No.
All right.
So because I'm approaching this very significant event with careful consideration, I'm a pussy? I was afraid you wouldn't catch on, but Do you want to be uninvited to the wedding? Keep going like this, I will snap my fingers and you're done.
That is the social event of the season, and I need to be there.
I've already rented my tuxedo.
Uninvited.
Everybody who's everybody's gonna be there.
Take your tux back.
Us magazine, people magazine you're not coming.
Hey, team dipshit! Listen.
Okay, here it is.
Carlson is out, pincus is in.
What? We are pulling the deal from Carlson, and we are taking pincus to the new shop.
Bullshit.
Hold on, wait.
No, pincus was out.
The-the paperwork is going to be finalized tomorrow, maybe even tonight.
We're gonna keep it business as usual.
We get on that plane, take that flight to Vegas, but instead of closing Carlson, we close pincus.
Pincus.
And so Carlson Dead to us.
Okay.
You knew about this? Um yeah.
As soon as that ink is dry on that contract, Right.
Buh-bye, galweather stearn.
- Are you excited? - Yes! Yes! You know what, buddy? I'm gonna need you to break that down for me How are you holding up? What? You know, post-Tamara.
Oh.
Fuck that.
Get your purse, I want to show you something.
Here it is.
I don't have to say a word when I show a property like this, because it's I mean, look at this view.
The light, the space-- it sells itself, really, a space like this.
And the building I thought you weren't gonna say a word.
Didn't he say there's gonna be no words, And then words just blah-blah-blah.
I like it.
Do you? Me, too.
I'm just wondering, is it a bit big for us? Well, honey, it's not just gonna be us forever.
Oh, honey.
I mean, we got to think about the little ones.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? Doug.
Clyde.
Oh, my God, those are the exact names.
I picked out! Honey.
- I mean - You remember? She turned to me and said, "you ever leave me, I'll kill myself.
" I said, "I'll kill you.
" Is that what it was? You do like me, huh? If I could say a few words, if that's fine? Yeah.
Okay.
All right, shoot.
Well, first of all, I think after Sarah got over her intense attraction to me She did really well, settling for her second choice, Doug guggenheim.
Thank you.
Enough about my unbelievable magnetism, except to say to the ladies that I am single and available for one night only, tonight.
Molly? Okay? Okay.
I'll see you there; Start stretching now.
Inappropriate.
I'll get on track, I'm sorry.
Doug guggenheim Doug guggenheim is my best friend.
Fuck.
I hate to admit it, but it's true, man.
And even harder to admit is That I admire him.
I'm gonna throw up.
You okay? Ugh, I can feel it coming up a little bit.
I might really throw up.
I just have never said those words out loud before.
But you know what? It's true.
All of that is true.
I absolutely admire him.
I mean, in this horrible, cynical, dying world, Doug's utter lack of irony and his complete and total devotion to Sarah, his unwillingness to let his fear of the future topple the love and desire he has to spend the rest of his life with someone that he truly cares about-- someone that he truly loves-- I mean, that is something that is completely foreign to me.
And heroic.
And I'm really, really happy for him.
I'm happy for both of you.
Wow.
Uh, let's go.
Put your alcohol in your hand, raise it, elevate it All right.
Here we go.
To my best friend Doug and his beautiful wife Sarah.
Aw.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Doug and Sarah.
Oh, wow.
Well I wish you'd told me Hey.
Hey.
Can I talk to you for a sec? Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
Give me a little smile.
You know, pretend that you're enjoying yourself.
Why don't we just do bunny ears and say "cheese"? Why don't we just take this goddamn fucking picture? Everyone do bunny ears, I'll do 'em on myself.
You know what? And, of course, Marty is amazing.
You know, he's Marty kaan.
He's-he's the man.
He's the-the Kaan man.
You know, he's got the-the magic, the-the touch.
He's got the killer body, you know.
Honey I just feel like I'm making such traction at galweather.
Yesterday, I had the most fantastic conversation with julianne As I brought in her cappuccino.
But maybe I should stay with the pod, you know? We're on such a hot streak right now.
It's almost like we're the fantastic four.
You know? What am I saying? It's exactly like we're the fantastic four.
God, think about it.
Marty's Reed Richards, of course, you know? I'm Johnny storm.
"Flame on.
" That's classic Doug.
And Jeannie's sue storm, so They're brother and sister, so nothing going on there.
And-and, you know, Clyde is obviously the thing, Ben grimm.
And our superpowers all complement one another.
So I guess that's an argument for going with Marty.
God, to break that up would be a tragedy.
Mm.
Right? There's no fantastic three.
I mean, for alliteration sake alone You know what, sweetheart I know, I know.
I Superheroes aren't real, most of them.
Enjoy.
Oh, actually Excuse me, is dessert included? Oh, my God! Yes! Uh! Yes! Yes! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look! Yes! Oh.
Mm, mm! Oh, my It's beautiful.
It's perfect.
Ooh, just Let's do it tomorrow.
Huh? Let's just do this.
Let's get married in Vegas, tomorrow, on your trip, because I want to be.
Mrs.
Doug guggenheim Yesterday! Let's do it! Let's just do you You want to just do this, right? Let me get this straight.
You did not intend to propose to Sarah, yet you left the restaurant with another girl's ring? What was I supposed to do? Oh, my God! Oh, I don't know, tell her? You don't understand.
There were people clapping and applauding.
There was nothing I could do.
That was it.
That Oh, my God.
I just figured it out.
You cheap motherfucker! You didn't tell Sarah because you got a free ring out of the deal! Doug What?! No! No? No.
No? Absolutely not Entirely.
Not entirely.
No.
No.
Oh, shit.
That is You know, she's already invited all her friends.
That's it.
That's done.
And she's in Vegas, right now, taking care of everything.
It's-it's I God, it's just moving so fast.
And I love her, you know that.
And I want to marry her.
Yes.
Of course.
And you got a free ring out of the deal.
I did.
I did, and that's nice.
I still say you're an idiot.
Kids? "Five minutes, my office.
" My God.
That might be the last time we ever hear those words.
You think about that? I'm pretty sure he'll have an office in the new shop, right? Oh, shit, actually Marty! Hey, Marty! Marty.
Marty.
I'm sorry.
Just, uh, about tonight I would be honored if you would do a reading in my wedding.
Think kahlil gibran, you know? I even had a passage picked out.
"Even as the strings of the lute are alone "though they quiver with the same music, it" Think about it.
So okay.
With this ring, I do commit myself to you as your everlasting lover.
May it encircle your finger the way I will encircle you.
Here you go.
Yeah, just Hey, Sarah, when this is all over, can I talk to you more about this work thing? Doug, we need to talk.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have talked about work.
I'm sorry, so stupid.
No, no, no Would you just give us a minute.
Sure, yes.
I just to talk to you I said I was sorry, I It's okay, cold feet sometimes.
Are are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Hey, can you please stop taking the-the photos, sir, please? What? Doug, I lied.
Oh, shit-- Clyde was right.
What did Clyde say? Well, that you probably have a rap sheet and at least two kids.
Oh no, but that's good to know.
Oh, my God, I was worried.
What? Well, the proposal? Yeah.
It wasn't exactly fate.
I orchestrated it.
Okay.
Wait, you bought the ring? Yes.
Oh, my and it's paid for? Yes.
It is.
Okay.
I just didn't want to be the girl who gets bitter while she's sitting around waiting for a proposal, but then I realized this is not really the best That's pretty bat-shit crazy, Sarah.
I know that it is.
I'm crazy.
You don't have to marry me tonight, but I really, really need you to forgive me, because I don't I don't know what I would do if I lost you.
Well, no one's ever been scared of losing me before.
Of course I'll marry you.
Don't With this ring, I marry this smoking hot motherfucker.
Now by the power vested in me excuse me.
By the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Give me a little smile, you know, pretend that you're enjoying yourself.
Why don't we just do bunny ears and say "cheese"? Why don't we just take this goddamn fucking picture? I'll do 'em on myself, okay? Buh-bye, Carlson.
Buh-bye, galweather stearn.
Yes.
You know what, buddy, I'm gonna need you to break that down for me.
Carlson is what? That Carlson deal was every bit as much mine as it was that motherfucker's.
How does he have the right to fucking steal it right from underneath me? Right, every bit as much yours? No, I mean, yeah, every bit as much yours.
Everything is fucked up.
The dushkins twins-- that's gonna be fucked up.
The bank that I make off that fucking deal-- that's gonna be fucked up.
This was supposed to be a game-changer for me, and he just does whatever the fuck he wants without even thinking.
Anytime he wants, he just pulls the fucking rip cord.
He doesn't even And I thought my thing with Marty was just on a whole nother level, man.
I thought as friends, as equals.
But it turns out, I'm a fucking idiot.
He doesn't give a fuck about me.
I know, classic Marty, huh? No, yeah, he's an asshole.
- See you guys in a minute.
- See you guys.
I was a huge part of making that deal happen, and Marty did an end run around me, totally fucking me over with those guys.
Their name is douchebag? That is That is unfortunate.
Their last name is dushkin; We call them douchebags because I don't care.
Okay.
The headline of this is just Marty's total lack of gratitude for the hard work that I put in every fucking day, his absence of reciprocity All right, Mrs.
Robinson, what's up? You could be very soon.
Nah.
I am so bored right now.
I did not agree to this lunch to play shrinky-mommy to your man-crush on Marty kaan.
He breaks hearts, you know that.
Stop being such a little bitch.
I don't think I'm being a bitch right now.
Your so-called instrumental role in this deal-- at the end of the day, what was it really? If I hadn't introduced him to the douchebags, he would've never met Carlson.
Come on.
You don't think he just would've found another way to Carlson? But he didn't.
Why should he take you seriously? Better yet why should I? Because I'm about to make you mountains of cash.
Give me a little smile, you know, pretend that you're enjoying yourself.
Why don't we just do bunny ears and say "cheese"? Why don't we just take this goddamn fucking picture? Everyone, do bunny ears.
Hi, Marty.
Hey, julianne.
Oh, I left my car parked Ah, come hither.
Come on, come on.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Not too bad.
Right.
God, you know, I just I just had the most interesting conversation with Mike Carlson.
He said you two went hunting.
Okay.
Apparently you made quite an impression on him.
You know, okay, he said-- and I'm I'm gonna quote here-- he is looking forward to "loads more playtime with Marty.
" Yeah.
Here's what I'm thinking.
I think that Carlson is gonna keep galweather on to handle the after-work on the online casino acquisition.
That's what I'm thinking.
I think Okay.
That Mike Carlson is as crazy as a shit-house rat and he's willing to pay top dollar to toy with me for his own fucked-up amusement.
As long as we get paid, right? You know what? Right! Right! Oh! Goon! Oh.
Zala! Okay.
Oh, Tammy.
Okay.
That's for you.
Ah.
This is travel for Vegas.
You can read.
Can you fuck off for a second? Thank you.
Marty, I'm not going to Vegas after you fucked me on the Carlson deal.
So you can get one of your lackeys to carry your goddamn briefcase.
Oh, baby girl, not only are you gonna go to Vegas, but you're gonna wear a big fucking smile while you're holding my briefcase or I will blow up your goddamn deal at demark.
Boom! See you in Vegas.
I still say you're an idiot-- Jeannie? Confirmed.
Kids? Five minutes in my office, please? Okay.
"Five minutes, my office.
" My God.
That might be the last time we ever hear those words.
You think about that? I'm pretty sure he'll have an office What, another one? What else do you have up your sleeve? Come on.
Open.
Oh, my God.
Oh, good.
Oh, my God.
Look at the detailing! That's where I aced risk and statistical analysis.
It's perfect.
You're perfect.
That's That's fucking Harvard.
Sarah got a cake made in the shape of Harvard.
- I wouldn't have done that.
- And look at the bobble heads; They act just like them.
As long as it's not lemon, I don't give a rat's ass.
Everyone say "Harvard.
" Yeah! Harvard! Harvard.
All right.
Come on, Mrs.
guggenheim.
We're celebrating this.
So what's up with the pincus deal-- you close? It's looking good.
I'm waiting for a call from the lawyers.
We're close.
When have you ever waited, okay? Can you chill out? I'm gone Chill out.
Yeah, but it's No.
Fuck.
Room service.
Hey.
Real fucking cute telling julianne about the deal.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You don't? Don't bullshit me, Tamara.
My fucking e-mails are gone, my account has been wiped out.
I can't get back on the server, the My phone doesn't even work.
But you can bet your ass I'll borrow a phone and call demark.
Marty, why would I ever do that to you? Don't fucking play with oh.
Ain't this about a bitch.
Hey, Marty.
Hey, Kevin.
Yeah, little lovers' getaway? Hey, man, you made her come to Vegas for this bullshit, so all that attitude, you can probably lose it.
Yeah, I did make her fucking come please, honey.
Babe, please.
It doesn't matter.
Yeah, it doesn't matter, kev.
Marty, I would never do that to you.
We have way too much history.
I would never.
Have a great night.
Let's go, put your alcohol in your hand, raise it, All right, come on, yeah.
I could use this.
Okay.
To my best friend Doug and his beautiful wife Sarah.
Yeah.
I say cheers.
Cheers.
Wow, Clyde, that was, uh Oh, my God, if I'd known it was gonna be like that Can I talk to you for a second? Uh, yeah.
What's up? I, um Not much.
Oh, okay, 'cause, Jeannie, the shit's kind of hitting the fan right now, so I broke up with Nate.
Dildo king? Yeah.
Okay.
So, no royal wedding? No, I don't think so, no.
You drunk? No, I'm not drunk enough.
Okay, so? Um, Marty, that night The you know, the night the merger fell through, and I blew the whistle on the rainmaker? Yeah.
Yes.
Yes, that night, I said something to you.
I was totally wasted and vulnerable and scared, but I meant it, meant What I said, and I'm now done minimizing it and rationalizing and thinking instead of feeling.
I love you.
I love you.
Jesus, Jeannie.
"Jesus, Jeannie.
" That's all you've got? Are you fucking kidding me? You're gonna do this right now? Julianne wiped out all my fucking files, pincus deal isn't closed yet, and then you're gonna pick right now to tell me about your schoolgirl crush? Hmm.
That night, I You said you loved me back.
I know you were drunk, too, but you meant it, Marty, I know you did.
Don't just stand here with your files erased and no one caring when you come home at night, thinking that your life is manageable.
Don't tell me, Marty, that you don't know that there's something here, and that whatever it is, just has you too scared to move a muscle.
Jeannie, what do you want? Just don't.
What do you want me to Don't.
No.
Jeannie.
Jeannie Um, uh, hey, Marty, I need to talk to you.
No, no, not now.
This is not a good time right now.
No, no, no, please don't tell me it's not a good time.
And don't tell me to, "shut the fuck up, Doug," okay, because this is my wedding night and I just need a moment of your time.
Okay, go on.
Okay.
Obviously, you're my mentor Doug, I'm not your fucking mentor.
No more jokes, okay? No off-switch, this guy.
I'm serious.
It often comes as a blow when a very special mentee says, "hey, I'm gonna take everything my sensei taught me, spread my wings and move on.
" Well, in my case, I have decided to spread my wings and stay at galweather.
That's great.
This was not an easy decision for me to make, okay? And I am super grateful for everything you've taught me, but this is something I absolutely have to do.
I understand, Doug, I understand.
God.
Bring it in.
What are you doing? Tuck it in.
I don't want to tuck it in.
Mad love, Marty.
Doug, you got Let me.
I know you're hurting, Marty.
I know.
Yo.
What are you doing? I had a feeling julianne would hit up all your files, so I backed you up on a zip drive.
I kept it with me.
It just slipped.
There it is.
Just give it to me later, Jeannie.
I, um, I really don't want to see to you later.
Just take it.
Come on, jea Absolutely perfect, because that's the way that, um Hey-hey, you two.
Hey, Jeannie, I need to get everyone from galweather together for a photo Marty, you're the last piece of the puzzle.
I had problems with this.
Okay.
I don't want to do the same-- what are you doing? You know what? Can I just get you to start it off? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Doug, Doug? Hmm? You have a phone? Oh, Marty, of course.
It is the least I can do.
Great.
Do you feel better? I always feel better after a good cry.
One second.
I got it.
That is deep in the sporran.
Yeah.
Here, can you hold that for just a second? I don't need a tampon.
I really need a phone.
I'll get to the phone.
I don't need a tic tac or a tampon.
Oh! Doug, are you fucking kidding me? No, no.
Give me your phone.
All right, great.
Photo time.
This will be great.
I've been looking forward to this all day.
All right, give me a little smile.
You know, pretend that you're enjoying yourself.
This is not what we talked about.
And cue artsy bullshit.
Doug, no one gives a fuck.
I give an "f.
" Why don't we just do bunny ears and say "cheese"? Why don't we just take this goddamn fucking picture? Just smile, okay?! Thought you could fuck me on this deal?! I did fuck you on this deal! Who's your spy, Mike?! Who's your fucking spy?! I fucking told him.
What? I told julianne, too.
I'm taking Carlson to kinsley with me.
Monica's gonna be so happy, so why don't you get the fuck off my client? How about I fucking Fucking bring it! No one move! Oh, my God! I am so gonna fuck you up! I am gonna fucking shit all over your life! I'm gonna make you a motherfucking asterisk on a pimple on the fucking ass of management consulting! I got the picture of the cake before it was destroyed.
No! - Goddamn it! - It's ruined.
I don't know why I expected any fucking less from these assholes.
Don't touch my doll! I'm sorry, baby.
No, I'm-- they should apologize to us.
Fucking assholes.
I told you.
I knew this would happen.
Hey, I told you to stop taking photos and videos! Now he's upset.
This is our wedding.
Ah, I got cake on my cape.
Let me see the cape.
The pincus deal closed.
Congratulations, Marty.
Thank you.
Jeannie? Whoa! Look at you.
Cool digs, dad.
You can you afford this? Let me see.
I have the world's third-largest bank as a client.
Um, hmm, what else? Oh, yes, an historic casino poised to make a monster comeback What? Um, two very deep-stacked hedge funds.
Oh, yeah, an artisanal distillery, just in case your boy get thirsty.
Stop it! Stop it! So holla at ya boy.
Hey, let's do this.
Now you're talking.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Some of the good stuff.
Yeah.
Stand back, son.
It's gonna pop.
All right.
It's gonna pop.
I can't wait for this, man.
Whoo! Oh! Yes, sir.
What are we toasting to? What do you think we're toast to? To kaan and associates.
Kaan and associates.
Kaan and associates.
That's it.
Mm-hmm, that's the good stuff.
Mm-hmm.
So, dad Yeah? Where is sir Clyde's office gonna be? Uh, Clyde is actually gonna go to work for your mom.
Mom? That's weird.
Yeah, I know.
What about Doug the gug? Mm.
The gug is staying at galweather stearn.
He got a good opportunity, so he's gonna, he's gonna stay there-- it's fine.
Jeannie's coming, right? She's-she's gonna come.
Yeah, she's coming.
We're in, um, you know, the final stages of the contract.
It's standard back-and-forth negotiations.
You know how that is.
Uh, but it should be done by the end of, uh, I don't know, this week-- soon.
Yeah, nobody can close like Marty kaan.
Hey, say that again.
Nobody can close like Marty kaan.
Look around, look around.
All right, all right.
I'm proud of you, son.
Thanks, pa.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are currently third in line for takeoff and are expected to be in the air in approximately seven minutes' time.
We ask that you please fasten your seatbelts at this time and secure all baggage underneath your seat or in the overhead compartment.
Jeannie.
Leave a message and I'll call you back.
Mm.
Hey, Jeannie, it's Marty.
Again! Um, blowing you up.
In the new space.
It's dope.
Just popped some champagne.
You should be here.
Pop's here.
Roscoe's here asking about you.
Now you say I can't do this without you, okay? I can't any of it without you.
So stop, you know, being, um a baby.
You're a fucking idiot.
Roar, roar, the thunder and the roar sumbitch is never coming back here no more moon in the window and a bird on the pole always find a millionaire to shovel all the coal clap hands clap hands shine, shine, a Roosevelt dime all the way to Baltimore and running out of time the salvation army seem to wind up in the hole they all went to heaven in a little rowboat clap hands clap hands clap hands, clap hands.