The Simpsons Episode Scripts

7F16 - Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

Let's move on to new business.
|Have you taken care of McBain? Don't worry, Senator Mendoza.
By now|our dear friend has met with a shall we say,|unfortunate accident? Great.
With McBain out of the way,|nothing can stop us! Any more new business? -Only your death!|-McBain! McBain! Meeting adjourned.
-$2.
50 for this?|-What a gyp! You broke up that meeting.
Now I'm thinking about holding|another meeting in bed.
Oh, McBain! I want to see the manager! -The screen's small!|-The floor's sticky! -The subplot felt tacked on.
|-We demand a refund! -It's not our policy.
|-I'll policy you! -Don't have a heart attack, old dude.
|-Don't you tell me what to do, you young whipper snapper! Thanks for nuclear power, which is yet|to cause a single proven fatality -at least in this country.
Amen.
|-Very nicely said.
-Bart ate during the blessing!|-You opened your eyes.
-Eating is worse.
|-Is not! -Is too!|-Is not! One more word and|Bart gets no cartoons and Lisa can't go to college! -Dad!|-Not one word! -Knock it off.
|-We didn't talk.
-Not a word.
|-No panto-ma-mine, either.
-Telephone, Homer.
It's the hospital.
|-The hospital? Hello? Oh, my God! I'm happy to say that he|only had a mild arrhythmia.
Mild! There wasn't anything|mild about it! Now get back|to the pharmacy, you quack! With that feisty attitude,|you'll bury us all, Grampa Simpson.
-Pull your chair closer, my son.
|-What is it, Dad? Not that close! Homer, that heart attack made me|realize that I'm going to die someday.
Oh, Dad! You and your imagination.
There's something I think you|should know.
You have a half-brother.
A half-brother? It all happened while|I was courting your mother.
I was checking out the skirts at|the carnival when I first saw her.
Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown? She did things your mother would|never do.
Like have sex for money.
A year later,|the carnival came back and she had|a little surprise for me.
We left the baby at the Shelbyville|orphanage, and I never saw him again.
A year later, I married your mother|and we had you.
I want Homer to grow up|respecting his father.
He must never know about|that carnival incident.
-Promise you won't tell.
|-I promise.
Forget what I just told you.
-Why are you blubbering?|-This makes me feel special.
Since I'm the one you kept,|it means you really love me.
-Interesting theory.
|-I'm going to find my brother.
If I have to move heaven and earth,|I'm going to find him! Yeah, right.
Good luck.
A long-Iost half-brother.
|How Dickensian! Know where this bastard lives?|His parents aren't married.
-It's the correct word, isn't it?|-He's got us there.
-Bastard! Bastard! Bastard!|-Bart! -Bart!|-Bastard! -Excuse me, is this an orphanage?|-You're a little late.
-They tore that down 30 years ago.
|-Thirty years! I'll never find him! I'm doomed to walk through|this life alone.
Oh, brother, where art thou? -Easy.
They moved across the street.
|-Sorry.
I know how you feel.
I've spent years searching|for my long-Iost twin brother-- Yeah, but we're looking|for my brother today.
Can you tell me his name? Our records state the Powells|adopted him and named him Herbert.
Herbert Powell, great!|Where can I find him? Sorry, I'm not allowed to say.
Please! This is my life|we're talking about here! I do sympathize|with your situation, Mr.
Simpson.
Your brother could be anywhere,|even Detroit.
I know he could be anywhere!|Narrow it down, please! If you ask me the city of brotherly love|isn't Philadelphia, it's Detroit.
Changing the subject makes you a|worthless excuse for a human being-- Read between the lines, you fool! I get it! Here's 20 bucks.
Now, will|you tell me where my brother lives? -I don't--|-Take it and tell me! -He lives in Detroit.
|-Fine.
Thank you.
Let's see, Powell.
"Pomerantz.
" "Poole.
"|"Popkin.
" "Potter.
" "Quigley.
" "Quimby.
" "Randolph.
" Oops, too far.
|Here it is, "Powell" ! -Any luck?|-No.
I called all three|Herbert Powells, nothing.
Well, you want to try|that H.
Powell? "H" ! Of course!|That could stand for Herbert! It's a long shot, but-- Is this H.
Powell|of Detroit, Michigan? By any chance does the "H" stand|for Herbert? The "H" stands for Herbert!|Herb, were you adopted? -From the Shelbyville Orphanage?|-How did you know? Because I'm your baby brother, Homer! -Hello? Hello? Stupid phone!|-Knock it off! I'm here! -I was silent due to emotion.
|-Sorry.
We need to meet.
Grab a plane to Springfield.
|We got a couch that folds out-- I'll tell you what,|why don't you come here? -Are we there yet?|-Just a little further.
-We there yet?|-Just a little further! If you don't behave|we'll turn around and go home.
-But, Marge, I want to see my brother!|-Homer, it's an empty threat.
Did you know you were going--? Sorry, sir, I didn't know it was you.
That's okay.
Carry on.
|See the way I handled that, Marge? -What are you doing here?|-What does it look like? We're losing to the Japanese.
Why? -Unfair trade practices?|-Mushy one-worlders in Washington? -Some gypsy curse?|-I'm tired of excuses! -Why did I hire Harvard idiots?|-You went there.
But Mommy and Daddy didn't pay my way! I had to work,|washing your dishes and toilets! I remember you.
-What's the name for our new car?|-You'll love this.
The Persephone! Persephone?|What the hell kind of name is that? She was the Greek goddess|of spring and rebirth.
She was carried off to Hades|where she ate six pomegranate s-- People don't want cars named|after hungry, old, Greek broads! They want names like Mustang|and Cheetah, vicious animal names.
The problem is, you've forgotten|your roots! What are your roots? I guess they extend to|when the Angles met the Saxons.
When white met bread.
What are your roots?|What can they teach us? I have no roots.
|All I know is that I'm just a Ionely guy.
-What was he so upset about?|-Good Lord.
Marge, this can't|be the right address.
-Hello, in there.
|-Homer? -Herb?|-You look just like-- Except you got a little more-- And a little less-- God, I feel so-- -Herbert!|-Homer! -Welcome to my home, brother.
|-Holy moly! The bastard's rich! Herb, allow me to introduce my family.
|This is my wife, Marge.
-You old dog, she's gorgeous!|-Thank you.
Our three children,|Bart, Lisa and Maggie.
-Hello, sir.
|-Hello.
-All born in wedlock?|-Yes, but Bart was a close call.
Lisa, are you the hell-raiser|your father told me about? -No, I can assure you I'm not.
|-I'm the hell-raiser.
-Do you want to hold the baby?|-I don't know how.
Oh, what's to know?|Just dive in.
Catch! God, that new-baby smell.
|Homer, you're the richest man I know.
I feel the same about you.
I want you to make yourselves at home.
Any time you're hungry, day or night,|Cook will make you anything you want.
-Even pork chops?|-Absolutely.
We've a tennis court-- If I want pork chops in the middle|of the night, he'll fry them up? Sure.
That's what he's paid for.
|If you need towels-- Wait! Let me see if I got this right.
|It's Christmas day, 4:00 a.
m -there's a rumble in my belly--|-Homer! -You sure love pork chops!|-He sure does, Uncle Herb.
"Uncle Herb" sounds so formal.
Do you|think you could call me "Unky Herb"? -No problemo, Unky Herb.
|-He's adorable.
My nephew's adorable.
-Marco!|-Polo.
Will you kids shut up? So, Marge, a little about yourself.
I met Homer in high school.
We married|and had three beautiful children.
Wow, we have so much|catching up to do.
I just told you|pretty much everything.
-Watch me dive!|-Okay, we're watching! I hope we're not spoiling them.
-You weren't watching!|-You didn't see! A millionaire!|I kept the wrong one.
I'll come as soon|as I can leave here.
In the meantime,|please don't do anything stupid.
Can I spit over the side? I love this kid.
|Hawk your brains out.
Got him! Cook? Sorry to bother you,|but I got a hankering for-- That's right! With applesauce.
-Pick out any one you want.
|-You sure you want to give me a car? You know what they cost me? There's|maybe $40 worth of steel in them.
-Okay, I'd like a big one then.
|-We don't have a big one.
-Why not?|-Americans don't want big cars.
-Give me one with lots of pep.
|-Our cars don't have pep.
-Why not?|-Americans want good mileage.
Tell the nice man|what country you come from.
-America.
|-You hear that, morons? This is why we're getting killed! Instead of listening,|you're telling people what they want.
-I need your help.
|-You do? Yeah.
I want you|to help me design a car.
A car for all|the Homer Simpsons out there.
-I want to pay you $200,000 a year!|-And I want to let you! Homer, meet my team of engineers.
|They're gonna build your car.
-Hi, team.
|-This project is our top priority.
I don't want to see anything|till it's finished.
But, sir-- Direct all your questions|to Mr.
Simpson the man with the vision.
He'll bust|this company out of its rut.
He'll change American|transportation forever! -So, what kind of car would you like?|-I don't know.
Whatever you kids want|to do today, tell me.
-Oh, dear.
|-I want a pony ride.
-I want a boat ride.
|-Pony ride! -Boat ride!|-Pony ride! Ahoy, mateys! -Kids are so easy to please.
|-I hope we're not spoiling them.
-What's that?|-The onboard computer.
All right.
|What's that? -Your brother told you to help us.
|-Yeah, he did.
-Why don't you get us some coffee?|-Okay.
Batting ninth, Unky Herb! -Oh, boy.
|-How's your car coming? We're putting in an onboard something|and rack-and-peanut steering.
Homer, you didn't ask for|rack-and-pinion steering, did you? I think I did.
How could you ask for it?|You don't know what it is.
-May I be excused?|-No.
You know why I gave you this job? -You think I'm a genius?|-No, not that.
-You think I'm dynamic?|-I don't think so.
-You think I work well with others?|-No.
It's because you're an average schmo.
-All you need is self-confidence.
|-Unky Herb, I don't know-- Listen to me.
From now on, before you|say anything, say to yourself: "If nothing else, I'm sure of this!" -Understand?|-Sort of.
-Homer!|-What? -Answer with self-confidence.
|-Sort of! Now go get them! I want a place in this car|to put my drink! -Sir, the car has a beverage holder.
|-Hello, Einstein! I said a place to put my drink.
The Super Slakers they sell|at K wik-E-Marts are this big! -Very big beverage holder.
|-I'm not done! The little ball you put on the aerial|so you can find your car.
Little ball.
Some things are so snazzy they never|go out of style.
Tail fins -and bubble domes.
|-I gotta call the boss.
Hello.
Well, you know what?|I'm glad you're nervous because that means we're|on the right track.
All right! This is what you're|gonna do.
Hang up and call me back.
Say the exact opposite of everything|you just said.
Kids, come here.
-What is it?|-Hear what the guys think of your dad.
-Hello.
|-Homer Simpson is a brilliant man with lots of well-thought-out,|practical ideas.
He's ensuring the financial security|of this company.
Oh, yes, and his personal hygiene|is above reproach.
-Our dad's the greatest!|-Homer, I'm impressed! Pretty good, huh? Put a horn here, here and here.
|I can't find it when I'm mad.
-And they should play "La Cucaracha.
"|-Can do.
Sometimes the kids|are in the back hollering.
There must be|something we can do about that.
A built-in video game? You're fired!|What are we paying you for? A separate soundproof dome for|the kids? With restraints and muzzles.
Bull's-eye! And when I|gun the motor I want people to think the world|is coming to an end! The mouse is named Itchy|and the cat is Scratchy.
-They hate each other.
|-They express it.
Good.
To think I wasted my life|in boardrooms and meetings.
I could have been watching cartoons! This old fool's wasted his life.
-Do you miss the Antarctic?|-Now this is spoiling them.
No.
Ladies and gentlemen,|esteemed stockholders members of the press,|Your Holiness.
Tonight we are going|to witness automotive history.
Whatever Homer wants All my life, I've looked|for a car that feels right.
Homer gets Powerful like a gorilla,|yet soft like a Nerf ball.
Now I've found it.
Presenting the car designed|for the average man the Homer! -Questions?|-What does this monstrosity cost? Jerry, what's the sticker price? $82,000! This monstrosity costs $82,000? What have I done?|I mean, the zoo was fun but I'm ruined! -Bye, Unky Herb.
|-Goodbye, Herb.
Because of me, you lost your business,|your home and all your possessions.
Maybe you'd have been better off|if I'd never come into your life.
Maybe I'd have been better off?|Maybe? You sponge-head,|of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned,|I have no brother! Maybe he said that|to make conversation.
His life was an unbridled success|until he found out he was a Simpson.
I'm here! Where's that millionaire|chip off the old block I call sonny? Get in, Dad.
|I'll explain on the way home.
I knew you'd blow it! -Dad?|-What is it, boy? I thought your car was cool.
Thanks, boy.
I was|waiting for someone to say that.

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