All In The Family s03e01 Episode Script
Archie and the Editorial
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days What the hell is this, the Christian Science reading room? Archie, I'm sorry.
I didn't expect you so early.
I was just reading the paper.
Oh, no.
Don't think nothing of it, Edith.
Think nothing of it.
Jeez, I could get jollier welcomes down at the morgue.
Archie, you were only gone a couple of hours.
What do you want, a 21-gun salute? Would you stand up and cheer if it was me at the door? Well, that depends, Meathead, on whether you was coming in or going out.
Did you have a nice afternoon? No, I didn't have a nice afternoon, Edith.
Sometimes, I wonder if this part-time cab driving is worth my while.
You know, it used to be New York was full of dudes grabbing cabs to take their girlfriends to shows.
Now all you see around town is drifters, weirdoes and pre-verts.
Out of the chair.
Trying to pick up a fare these weekends is like trolling for sardines with a basketball net.
Well, maybe folks is walking more for exercise.
They're walking more, Edith, because they ain't got no mazuma.
They gotta make a choice between cabs or butter, and they're choosing butter.
Oh, they ought to try margarine.
It ain't so expensive.
Will you get me a beer? Right away.
Everything's expensive nowadays.
It's this inflation.
The money in this here country is sick.
Yeah, like the people who control it.
Well, when you control some of it, I'll listen to your views.
Meantime, you can mail your opinions back to the Kremlin, huh? I thought Nixon's wage and price freeze was supposed to fix everything.
Oh it's fixing me good.
It's about time some politician spoke up for the little fellas.
You got McGovern.
I also got a headache, Meathead, and I don't need neither one of them.
Oh, gee, lucky me, I got the book section.
Look at this here.
Come on, come on.
All boats in.
Arch, you can only read one section at a time.
Well, I want to look 'em all over so I can choose which one.
Now, come on, gimme, gimme.
Here's your beer, Archie.
All right, Edith.
Just leave it there, huh? Oh, look at this, will ya? Meat prices up again by 8%.
Maybe we ought to turn vegetarian.
It'd be cheaper and healthier.
Well, I ain't turning that because it ain't natural.
Man was put on this earth to eat meat.
Who says so? Who says so? The Bible says so, dumbbell.
Where does it say that? Aw, come on, will ya? I mean, look it up.
Jeez, all them old Bible people, they was always eating meat as soon as they found out that eating apples was wrong.
That's true.
On special occasions-- goats and lambs.
Who the hell ever heard of sacrificing a head of lettuce? You? What happened here? What's the matter with this little piece of the paper? Oh, I took that, Daddy.
It's of no interest to you.
Oh, I see.
It's out of the employment section here.
What's happening? Don't tell me Meathead is looking for work.
No, he isn't.
Yeah, well, what are you doing? You trying to save him from reading the embarrassing parts? No, Daddy.
I'm the one that's applying for a job.
Hold it, hold it.
You're applying for what? A job.
You just said yourself how tough it is to make ends meet.
Oh, no, you ain't applying for no job.
A woman's place is still in the home.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Besides, it's only three days a week behind the cosmetic counter at Kresslers.
Yeah, Arch.
It'll mean a few more dollars coming into the house.
Listen to this disgusting comment over here.
You know, there is a word for a guy that lives off his wife.
You ever hear of a gig-olo? Look at this.
Dogs off the coffee table.
All right.
Even when Edith and me was broke when we was first married, I never sent her out to work.
Families was proud in them days, right, Edith? Yeah, and hungry.
Can't you just say yeah and stop? Times have changed, Daddy.
Well, as far as I'm concerned, they've changed for the worse.
What the hell is the sense of talking to yous two, anyhow.
Just get away from me.
Leave me alone, all of yous.
I wanna watch TV.
MAN: We delay the start of the roller derby to bring you an editorial by Mr.
Lyle Bennett, general manager of this station.
Mr.
Bennett.
Aw, jeez, this bigmouth again.
Why can't you give it a rest? What's it about? It's always about the same three things: pollution, dope, or VD-- I'm sick and tired of all three.
I'd like to hear what he's got to say, all right? This terrible virus that has infected the country.
What'd I tell you? VD.
There's been much talk about our permissive society.
Well, this is an evil that we have permitted for too long.
Don't tell me the bigmouth is talking sense for a change.
Quiet, will ya? The state must be willing to buy back every gun in private hands.
What? He's talking about guns.
What the hell has guns got to do with VD? Will you listen to the man? Only by enforcing even tougher gun laws can the tide of violence and death be halted.
Guns must go before more of them go off.
Well, that's where you're going, buddy boy-- off.
Hey, what are you doing that for? I wanted to hear what he had to say.
He's a fairy like all of them gun-control guys.
I'm for gun control.
Tell it to her.
Maybe she'll get the marriage annulled.
Oh, Daddy! Archie, what do guns have to do with maleness? "What do guns have to do with maleness"? Duke Wayne, buddy.
What? Clint Westwood there, buddy.
What are you talking about? Gary Cooper, Sergeant York-- Get out of here.
I could go on and on and on, but it'll do you no good, because talking to you is like casting pearls into wine.
No guns, eh? Tell that to old lady Heinzegger down the street-- "no guns.
" She'd have been glad to have a rod when them two burglars busted in on her last week, huh, Edith? Archie, how do you expect an 88-year-old woman to go around carrying a gun? I don't know! She can carry it in her elastic stocking next to her very-close veins.
All I know is that as an American it is my right to pack a rod.
Bull! What do you mean? Bull to the Constitution? It doesn't say that in the Constitution, Arch! I'll prove it to you.
I got a copy of it here in my history book.
It's right there in your Second Amendment.
Oh, no, Archie.
That's the one that says "Thou shalt not make any graven image.
" That ain't the Constitution, Edith.
What you said is the Gettysburg Address.
I'll prove you don't know what you're talking about.
You just look it up.
All I know, it's my God-given right as an American to have a gun in the house.
It is not, Archie.
The Supreme Court ruled on that as far back as 1939.
What the Supreme Court says ain't got nothing to do with the law! They okayed bussing too, till President Nixon give 'em the old one-two.
All right.
Here it is.
Amendment Two-- I'll read it to you.
Don't read nothing.
I can read myself.
What does it say-- here, here, here "The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
" Read that.
Wait a second.
You didn't read all of it! You did not! Look, look.
"A well-regulated militia, being necessary "to the security of a free state, "the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
" "A militia," Arch.
That's what it says right there.
Listen, buddy.
I don't pay no attention to no Constitution in them pinko books of yours.
Did you know that 65% of the people murdered in the last 10 years were killed by handguns? Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows? Wow, that's convoluted logic.
Yes, and that's the kind of straight thinking I'm trying to put across here.
I hate that jerk on TV.
Oh, I get it.
I get it.
When you thought he was talking about VD and a permissive society, he was smart, huh? You find out he was talking about gun control, he's a jerk? I'm going to prove it to you.
How many people in the US would like to have guns? Too many.
Thousands.
But how many people would like to have VD? None, but what does that got to Case closed, buddy! Case closed! Get out of here.
Come on.
[DOORBELL RINGING.]
[LOUD ARGUING.]
I'll get it.
What do guns have to do with VD? Michael, there's no sense in even arguing with him.
There's somebody at the door.
Oh, hello, Lionel.
Come in.
Oh, no thanks, Mrs.
Bunker.
I mean, I don't want to disturb your quiet evening at home.
My mom just asked me to drop off your cookbook.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, Lionel.
Come on in.
We're having a little discussion.
I want to ask you something.
Get out of the way, Edith.
Oh, I got to go.
Sorry, Mr.
Bunker This will only take a minute.
Come on, now, here's a guy who's sure to agree with me.
Lionel, what do your people think about guns? Well, that depends on who's holding them.
Daddy, how can you be against gun control with all the assassinations? Look at it-- the Kennedys and Martin Luther King, and what about the shooting of Governor Wallace? I'm saying maybe Governor Wallace wouldn't have got shot if had a rod in his mitt.
Because the governor was there.
He could have shot first.
Archie, what would he be doing walking around in a crowd with a gun? What was the other bum doing in a crowd with a gun? That's ridiculous, Archie! You're talking about a human being who may be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
Yes, and if that human being had had a rod, then the other human being would be in a wheelchair.
Excuse me, but, Lionel, we're gonna be late for the show.
EDITH: Hi, Judy.
Hi, everybody.
Hold it, hold it.
Judy? Who's Judy over here? How come everybody knows Judy but me? Well, maybe that's because you never met her.
Mr.
Bunker, this is Judy.
Hello.
It's nice meeting you.
Hiya, pleased to meet you.
Well, it's very nice, young lady.
I mean, your going out with Lionel here.
I didn't know you done that, Lionel.
You're dating, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
We does all them things.
We dates, gets married.
Where'd you think we all came from? Well, bye, everybody.
ALL: So long.
Goodbye.
Bye there.
Bye.
Daddy.
I will never understand your attitude about guns.
You will never understand my attitude about guns.
Why not? What does it take to get through to you, Archie? You know, England has gun control, and they had less than The United States had over 8,000.
Those are statistics.
Don't feed me no sta-stistics.
Look at the facts here: England, in World War II, nearly lost.
We had to go over and pull them out.
Why did they nearly lose? Because they didn't have no guns, because, in my opinion, England is a fag country.
That's crazy.
I know it's crazy, but they don't never tell you that on TV.
Archie, we need more guys like that station manager speaking out against guns.
No, no, no! We got too many of them station master guys paving the road to communism in this here country.
What we need to hear more from is ordinary Joes.
Oh, like you, I suppose? That's right.
Fine.
Good.
We'll give him a call.
Get away.
Come on.
What's the matter? Get lost.
What? You got cold feet? I ain't got no cold feet.
Oh, you do too, Archie, in bed.
You always got cold feet.
Edith Don't torture me, huh? Mr.
Bennett, please.
What is that? Come on.
You scared? Get out of here.
I ain't scared of nothing.
Well, then, come on, prove it.
Talk to the station manager.
Yes, hello, I have a man here who's interested in making a rebuttal to your views on gun control.
What kind of a gag is that? Yes, thank you.
That was his secretary.
She's putting him on.
You ain't got nobody on there.
Hello, Mr.
Bennett? Yeah, yeah, he's right here.
Get out of here.
Come on.
You scared? Give me that phone.
Hello.
Who is this? Huh? Yeah, well, no, no, no.
See, I didn't make the call.
It was my son-in-law here monkeying around, and, uh Oh, you're scared.
Hold the line.
What? You're scared.
I'm scared, huh? Yeah, hello.
Listen, this is Archie Bunker here, and, uh, with regards to your editorial on the gun control, I demand equal time.
Look.
Look, Mr.
Martinez Mr.
Martinez, this station is not anti-Puerto Rican.
I would have loved to have filmed your Puerto Rican festival, but I've only got so many cameras.
No, no, no, no, no.
They're not all out filming Cuban festivals and Black Panther festivals.
Yes, I know you're a minority.
In this community, most people are.
What am I? I'm an American.
All right, Italian.
What do you mean, "Ah-hah"? Mr.
Martinez Hello? Hello? Hel-- Excuse me, Mr.
Bennett, but while you were on the phone, the gay people called again.
Put them through to Maurice.
He understands.
Oh, Mr.
Bunker's still waiting.
Bunker? The gun nut.
Susan, don't talk like that.
That man is part of our audience.
I'm sorry, sir.
Show the gun nut in.
You can come in now, Mr.
Bunker.
Yeah, all right.
Hey you're him, the guy on the TV there.
Come in, Mr.
Bunker.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry to have kept you waiting.
Would you like some coffee, or No, no, no, because I just had my lunch here.
That's an antique.
No, that's brand-new.
I mean, the desk.
Oh, the desk, yeah.
Well, I noticed when I was coming in here, everything's a little bit out of date, but, uh, I guess you're pretty comfortable, huh? Well, now, Mr.
Bunker, we're always glad to fulfill our obligations to the public and to the FCC.
What group did you say you represented? Uh, group? What do you mean by group? Well, on whose behalf do you wish to make this rebuttal? Uh, I wish to rebuttal here on behalf of me.
Just you? [INTERCOM BUZZING.]
Yes? Who? Rabbi Goldman? All right, put him on.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Hello, Rabbi.
What can I do for you? Oh, but we had Rabbi Levine on just last week.
I thought he put the Jewish point of view quite well.
What do you mean, "Rabbi Levine's not Jewish"? Oh, reformed doesn't count, huh? Well, look, why don't you drop me a line and I'll see what I can do.
Fine.
Shalom to you too.
Excuse me.
Where were we? What group did you say you represented? I just represent a whole lot of guys just like me-- I mean, down at work, and in Kelsey's bar and I just want to get on the TV there and tell the public that all this stuff about gun control is, uh, excuse me, garbage because guns is what made this here country what it is today.
No argument.
Guns is red, white and blue American.
Just like apple pie.
That's right, and I believe in seeing two sides of the question so that you can show the other guy where he's wrong.
You know, I never thought of that.
Yeah.
Like, for instance, what you said about guns, now.
You see, that was wrong.
You said that guns kill.
Wrong.
People kill.
People kill.
That's right.
Okay, so how do you propose to stop people killing people? That's easy.
Bring back the death penalty.
Excuse me.
Go ahead.
Susan, will you have Johnson step in here for a minute? There's something I want him to see before it's extinct.
Ta-dah! I did it, Ma.
I got the job! Oh, Gloria, that's wonderful! Mike, Gloria got the job.
Really? Oh, congratulations, honey.
That's great.
Michael, I was so nervous.
You know, I had to cross my legs so I wouldn't hear my knees knocking.
Ain't that a coincidence? Mine used to do that.
I remember my interview with the Hercules Plumbing Company.
I had to wrap my feet around the legs of my chair to keep my knees from knocking together.
Did it work? Oh, yeah, except I forgot about it when I started to stand up.
I fell right over the boss's desk and broke his clock radio.
Now hear this.
After dinner, I'm taking all of us down to Kelsey's bar for a drink to celebrate.
Oh, great.
Oh, good.
Whoop-dee-doo! Ah-hah! You think I couldn't do it, but I done it.
Wait till you see.
You did it, Daddy? Archie, that's wonderful! Congratulations.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
What did you do? I rebuttaled that guy on TV about the guns.
MICHAEL: You really went down to that station? Yeah.
Daddy, you were on television? Archie, you were on television, and we missed it? Why didn't you call us and tell us? Because I knew I was coming right home, and I'm going to be on there in about two minutes.
Oh, wow.
He's going to be on.
This I got to see.
This I got to see.
Oh, Edith, they couldn't wait to get me on there.
They brought me into a studio, sat me down on a stool, told me to do it right there, and I done it there, on tape.
Really, Daddy? In your own words? Certainly, my own words, little girl.
What else do you think they wanted? "Just say it into the camera the way you said it to us.
" Here, not yet.
[SHUTS OFF TV.]
Oh, boy, Edith, you should've seen that camera.
Oh, with the wheels, everything, the lights Did they make you up, Daddy? Sure.
Oh, no, Gloria, they wouldn't have to do that.
Archie is real.
No.
Ma, I mean makeup to cover his 5:00 shadow.
Aw, nah.
They just puffed a little powder all over.
Yeah, a little Helena Rubinstein.
Shut up.
And I blew it right off after it was all over anyway.
And you really said that guns were okay? I certainly did, and you know something about that station master down there? The guy never fired off a gun in his life.
He admitted that to me.
So? So? Some crackpot who never fired off a gun in his life, he wants to take the fun away from all the other guys.
Yeah, that's right, Arch.
He's a regular killjoy.
Yeah, and talking about killing, cars kill more people in this country than guns every year.
Did you know that? And I told him that on the TV too.
Archie, that's stupid.
Drivers don't mean to kill people.
Oh, no? You ain't driven a cab yet, bud.
Here we are, here we are.
All right, everybody, clam up now.
Oh, look what they did to your hair.
ANNOUNCER: Mr.
Archie Bunker, speaking in reply to the editorial broadcast last Saturday.
Good evening, everybody.
This here is Archie Bunker of 704 Hauser Street, veteran of the big war, speaking on behalf of guns for everybody.
Now question: what was the first thing that the communists done when they took over Russia? Answer: gun control.
And there's a lot of people in this country want to do the same thing to us here in a kind of conspiracy, see? You take your big international bankers uh, they want to-- what do you call-- masticate the people of this here nation like puppets on a wing.
And then, when they get that done, turn us over to the commies.
Oh, Archie, I'm glad they put you on a stool.
Shh, shh, shh.
You look taller sitting down.
Shush! Now I want to talk about another thing that's on everybody's mind today, and that's yous stickups and yous skyjackers, which, uh, if that was up to me, I could end the skyjackings tomorrow.
You could? All you got to do is arm all your passengers.
If he knows the passengers are armed and that he ain't got no more superior-ority there, then he ain't gonna dare to pull out no rod, and then you realize that they wouldn't have to search the passengers on the ground no more.
They just pass out the pistols at the beginning of the trip, and they pick them up again at the end.
Case closed.
That's incredible, Arch.
What do you mean, "incredible"? What I said made damn good sense to me, even when I heard it played back on the television.
I hated every word you said, but you sure came through loud and clear.
Well, experience tells, Meathead.
You don't command men on a loading platform without learning something.
Wow, this has really been quite a day, Daddy.
You were on television and I got a job.
Yeah.
It's him.
You're him.
The guy I just saw on television down the street.
Mr.
Bunker.
That's right.
You seen the show? Yeah.
I want to shake your hand.
Hey, gee, pleased to meet you.
Hey, listen to this the public here.
Man, I really dug what you said about those guns.
I mean, I couldn't have said it better myself.
Oh, I bet you're real proud of him, huh? [GLORIA AND EDITH AGREE.]
Well, you know, I'm just trying to set the public straight on something, that's all.
Like when you said, "Guns are what brings law and order to our cities.
" Yeah, and what shoot a hundred policemen a year.
Who's this? He's only my son-in-law.
Don't pay no attention to him.
He's a meatheaded student, and he don't know nothing about the real world.
Listen, you ought to listen to him.
Like when he said, quote: "Guns are just like free speech.
" Beautiful.
Well, the truth is beautiful.
Beautiful.
You said it all, fella.
Why don't you have a beer with us? Oh, no.
Actually, I got to get to work now.
Uh, Louis? Put your money in the hat.
Huh? Wallet! Wallet! The wallets? All right, don't shoot, now.
Here, here, here.
Give me your wristwatch.
Oh, Archie.
Give it to him, Edith.
He'll kill me.
That's it now, folks.
Louis? Oh, by the way, Mr.
Bunker, did you pay for those drinks? No.
Bartender? The drinks are on me.
Bye-bye, everybody.
Bye-bye.
Leave me alone.
Get away from me! What? What? Just get away from me, Meathead, that's all! Took my wallet, all my dough my paycheck, everything gone.
Well, that proves my point-- if he didn't have a gun he wouldn't have robbed us.
Well, if I had had a gun, he wouldn't have robbed us neither.
When I reached for my wallet, I'd pull out a pistol, and I'd give it to him.
Well, he'd have given it to you too, Archie.
Aw! Yeah, and then you'd both be dead.
I don't care! At least I'd have more money than I got now! [.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
I didn't expect you so early.
I was just reading the paper.
Oh, no.
Don't think nothing of it, Edith.
Think nothing of it.
Jeez, I could get jollier welcomes down at the morgue.
Archie, you were only gone a couple of hours.
What do you want, a 21-gun salute? Would you stand up and cheer if it was me at the door? Well, that depends, Meathead, on whether you was coming in or going out.
Did you have a nice afternoon? No, I didn't have a nice afternoon, Edith.
Sometimes, I wonder if this part-time cab driving is worth my while.
You know, it used to be New York was full of dudes grabbing cabs to take their girlfriends to shows.
Now all you see around town is drifters, weirdoes and pre-verts.
Out of the chair.
Trying to pick up a fare these weekends is like trolling for sardines with a basketball net.
Well, maybe folks is walking more for exercise.
They're walking more, Edith, because they ain't got no mazuma.
They gotta make a choice between cabs or butter, and they're choosing butter.
Oh, they ought to try margarine.
It ain't so expensive.
Will you get me a beer? Right away.
Everything's expensive nowadays.
It's this inflation.
The money in this here country is sick.
Yeah, like the people who control it.
Well, when you control some of it, I'll listen to your views.
Meantime, you can mail your opinions back to the Kremlin, huh? I thought Nixon's wage and price freeze was supposed to fix everything.
Oh it's fixing me good.
It's about time some politician spoke up for the little fellas.
You got McGovern.
I also got a headache, Meathead, and I don't need neither one of them.
Oh, gee, lucky me, I got the book section.
Look at this here.
Come on, come on.
All boats in.
Arch, you can only read one section at a time.
Well, I want to look 'em all over so I can choose which one.
Now, come on, gimme, gimme.
Here's your beer, Archie.
All right, Edith.
Just leave it there, huh? Oh, look at this, will ya? Meat prices up again by 8%.
Maybe we ought to turn vegetarian.
It'd be cheaper and healthier.
Well, I ain't turning that because it ain't natural.
Man was put on this earth to eat meat.
Who says so? Who says so? The Bible says so, dumbbell.
Where does it say that? Aw, come on, will ya? I mean, look it up.
Jeez, all them old Bible people, they was always eating meat as soon as they found out that eating apples was wrong.
That's true.
On special occasions-- goats and lambs.
Who the hell ever heard of sacrificing a head of lettuce? You? What happened here? What's the matter with this little piece of the paper? Oh, I took that, Daddy.
It's of no interest to you.
Oh, I see.
It's out of the employment section here.
What's happening? Don't tell me Meathead is looking for work.
No, he isn't.
Yeah, well, what are you doing? You trying to save him from reading the embarrassing parts? No, Daddy.
I'm the one that's applying for a job.
Hold it, hold it.
You're applying for what? A job.
You just said yourself how tough it is to make ends meet.
Oh, no, you ain't applying for no job.
A woman's place is still in the home.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Besides, it's only three days a week behind the cosmetic counter at Kresslers.
Yeah, Arch.
It'll mean a few more dollars coming into the house.
Listen to this disgusting comment over here.
You know, there is a word for a guy that lives off his wife.
You ever hear of a gig-olo? Look at this.
Dogs off the coffee table.
All right.
Even when Edith and me was broke when we was first married, I never sent her out to work.
Families was proud in them days, right, Edith? Yeah, and hungry.
Can't you just say yeah and stop? Times have changed, Daddy.
Well, as far as I'm concerned, they've changed for the worse.
What the hell is the sense of talking to yous two, anyhow.
Just get away from me.
Leave me alone, all of yous.
I wanna watch TV.
MAN: We delay the start of the roller derby to bring you an editorial by Mr.
Lyle Bennett, general manager of this station.
Mr.
Bennett.
Aw, jeez, this bigmouth again.
Why can't you give it a rest? What's it about? It's always about the same three things: pollution, dope, or VD-- I'm sick and tired of all three.
I'd like to hear what he's got to say, all right? This terrible virus that has infected the country.
What'd I tell you? VD.
There's been much talk about our permissive society.
Well, this is an evil that we have permitted for too long.
Don't tell me the bigmouth is talking sense for a change.
Quiet, will ya? The state must be willing to buy back every gun in private hands.
What? He's talking about guns.
What the hell has guns got to do with VD? Will you listen to the man? Only by enforcing even tougher gun laws can the tide of violence and death be halted.
Guns must go before more of them go off.
Well, that's where you're going, buddy boy-- off.
Hey, what are you doing that for? I wanted to hear what he had to say.
He's a fairy like all of them gun-control guys.
I'm for gun control.
Tell it to her.
Maybe she'll get the marriage annulled.
Oh, Daddy! Archie, what do guns have to do with maleness? "What do guns have to do with maleness"? Duke Wayne, buddy.
What? Clint Westwood there, buddy.
What are you talking about? Gary Cooper, Sergeant York-- Get out of here.
I could go on and on and on, but it'll do you no good, because talking to you is like casting pearls into wine.
No guns, eh? Tell that to old lady Heinzegger down the street-- "no guns.
" She'd have been glad to have a rod when them two burglars busted in on her last week, huh, Edith? Archie, how do you expect an 88-year-old woman to go around carrying a gun? I don't know! She can carry it in her elastic stocking next to her very-close veins.
All I know is that as an American it is my right to pack a rod.
Bull! What do you mean? Bull to the Constitution? It doesn't say that in the Constitution, Arch! I'll prove it to you.
I got a copy of it here in my history book.
It's right there in your Second Amendment.
Oh, no, Archie.
That's the one that says "Thou shalt not make any graven image.
" That ain't the Constitution, Edith.
What you said is the Gettysburg Address.
I'll prove you don't know what you're talking about.
You just look it up.
All I know, it's my God-given right as an American to have a gun in the house.
It is not, Archie.
The Supreme Court ruled on that as far back as 1939.
What the Supreme Court says ain't got nothing to do with the law! They okayed bussing too, till President Nixon give 'em the old one-two.
All right.
Here it is.
Amendment Two-- I'll read it to you.
Don't read nothing.
I can read myself.
What does it say-- here, here, here "The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
" Read that.
Wait a second.
You didn't read all of it! You did not! Look, look.
"A well-regulated militia, being necessary "to the security of a free state, "the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
" "A militia," Arch.
That's what it says right there.
Listen, buddy.
I don't pay no attention to no Constitution in them pinko books of yours.
Did you know that 65% of the people murdered in the last 10 years were killed by handguns? Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows? Wow, that's convoluted logic.
Yes, and that's the kind of straight thinking I'm trying to put across here.
I hate that jerk on TV.
Oh, I get it.
I get it.
When you thought he was talking about VD and a permissive society, he was smart, huh? You find out he was talking about gun control, he's a jerk? I'm going to prove it to you.
How many people in the US would like to have guns? Too many.
Thousands.
But how many people would like to have VD? None, but what does that got to Case closed, buddy! Case closed! Get out of here.
Come on.
[DOORBELL RINGING.]
[LOUD ARGUING.]
I'll get it.
What do guns have to do with VD? Michael, there's no sense in even arguing with him.
There's somebody at the door.
Oh, hello, Lionel.
Come in.
Oh, no thanks, Mrs.
Bunker.
I mean, I don't want to disturb your quiet evening at home.
My mom just asked me to drop off your cookbook.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, Lionel.
Come on in.
We're having a little discussion.
I want to ask you something.
Get out of the way, Edith.
Oh, I got to go.
Sorry, Mr.
Bunker This will only take a minute.
Come on, now, here's a guy who's sure to agree with me.
Lionel, what do your people think about guns? Well, that depends on who's holding them.
Daddy, how can you be against gun control with all the assassinations? Look at it-- the Kennedys and Martin Luther King, and what about the shooting of Governor Wallace? I'm saying maybe Governor Wallace wouldn't have got shot if had a rod in his mitt.
Because the governor was there.
He could have shot first.
Archie, what would he be doing walking around in a crowd with a gun? What was the other bum doing in a crowd with a gun? That's ridiculous, Archie! You're talking about a human being who may be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
Yes, and if that human being had had a rod, then the other human being would be in a wheelchair.
Excuse me, but, Lionel, we're gonna be late for the show.
EDITH: Hi, Judy.
Hi, everybody.
Hold it, hold it.
Judy? Who's Judy over here? How come everybody knows Judy but me? Well, maybe that's because you never met her.
Mr.
Bunker, this is Judy.
Hello.
It's nice meeting you.
Hiya, pleased to meet you.
Well, it's very nice, young lady.
I mean, your going out with Lionel here.
I didn't know you done that, Lionel.
You're dating, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
We does all them things.
We dates, gets married.
Where'd you think we all came from? Well, bye, everybody.
ALL: So long.
Goodbye.
Bye there.
Bye.
Daddy.
I will never understand your attitude about guns.
You will never understand my attitude about guns.
Why not? What does it take to get through to you, Archie? You know, England has gun control, and they had less than The United States had over 8,000.
Those are statistics.
Don't feed me no sta-stistics.
Look at the facts here: England, in World War II, nearly lost.
We had to go over and pull them out.
Why did they nearly lose? Because they didn't have no guns, because, in my opinion, England is a fag country.
That's crazy.
I know it's crazy, but they don't never tell you that on TV.
Archie, we need more guys like that station manager speaking out against guns.
No, no, no! We got too many of them station master guys paving the road to communism in this here country.
What we need to hear more from is ordinary Joes.
Oh, like you, I suppose? That's right.
Fine.
Good.
We'll give him a call.
Get away.
Come on.
What's the matter? Get lost.
What? You got cold feet? I ain't got no cold feet.
Oh, you do too, Archie, in bed.
You always got cold feet.
Edith Don't torture me, huh? Mr.
Bennett, please.
What is that? Come on.
You scared? Get out of here.
I ain't scared of nothing.
Well, then, come on, prove it.
Talk to the station manager.
Yes, hello, I have a man here who's interested in making a rebuttal to your views on gun control.
What kind of a gag is that? Yes, thank you.
That was his secretary.
She's putting him on.
You ain't got nobody on there.
Hello, Mr.
Bennett? Yeah, yeah, he's right here.
Get out of here.
Come on.
You scared? Give me that phone.
Hello.
Who is this? Huh? Yeah, well, no, no, no.
See, I didn't make the call.
It was my son-in-law here monkeying around, and, uh Oh, you're scared.
Hold the line.
What? You're scared.
I'm scared, huh? Yeah, hello.
Listen, this is Archie Bunker here, and, uh, with regards to your editorial on the gun control, I demand equal time.
Look.
Look, Mr.
Martinez Mr.
Martinez, this station is not anti-Puerto Rican.
I would have loved to have filmed your Puerto Rican festival, but I've only got so many cameras.
No, no, no, no, no.
They're not all out filming Cuban festivals and Black Panther festivals.
Yes, I know you're a minority.
In this community, most people are.
What am I? I'm an American.
All right, Italian.
What do you mean, "Ah-hah"? Mr.
Martinez Hello? Hello? Hel-- Excuse me, Mr.
Bennett, but while you were on the phone, the gay people called again.
Put them through to Maurice.
He understands.
Oh, Mr.
Bunker's still waiting.
Bunker? The gun nut.
Susan, don't talk like that.
That man is part of our audience.
I'm sorry, sir.
Show the gun nut in.
You can come in now, Mr.
Bunker.
Yeah, all right.
Hey you're him, the guy on the TV there.
Come in, Mr.
Bunker.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry to have kept you waiting.
Would you like some coffee, or No, no, no, because I just had my lunch here.
That's an antique.
No, that's brand-new.
I mean, the desk.
Oh, the desk, yeah.
Well, I noticed when I was coming in here, everything's a little bit out of date, but, uh, I guess you're pretty comfortable, huh? Well, now, Mr.
Bunker, we're always glad to fulfill our obligations to the public and to the FCC.
What group did you say you represented? Uh, group? What do you mean by group? Well, on whose behalf do you wish to make this rebuttal? Uh, I wish to rebuttal here on behalf of me.
Just you? [INTERCOM BUZZING.]
Yes? Who? Rabbi Goldman? All right, put him on.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Hello, Rabbi.
What can I do for you? Oh, but we had Rabbi Levine on just last week.
I thought he put the Jewish point of view quite well.
What do you mean, "Rabbi Levine's not Jewish"? Oh, reformed doesn't count, huh? Well, look, why don't you drop me a line and I'll see what I can do.
Fine.
Shalom to you too.
Excuse me.
Where were we? What group did you say you represented? I just represent a whole lot of guys just like me-- I mean, down at work, and in Kelsey's bar and I just want to get on the TV there and tell the public that all this stuff about gun control is, uh, excuse me, garbage because guns is what made this here country what it is today.
No argument.
Guns is red, white and blue American.
Just like apple pie.
That's right, and I believe in seeing two sides of the question so that you can show the other guy where he's wrong.
You know, I never thought of that.
Yeah.
Like, for instance, what you said about guns, now.
You see, that was wrong.
You said that guns kill.
Wrong.
People kill.
People kill.
That's right.
Okay, so how do you propose to stop people killing people? That's easy.
Bring back the death penalty.
Excuse me.
Go ahead.
Susan, will you have Johnson step in here for a minute? There's something I want him to see before it's extinct.
Ta-dah! I did it, Ma.
I got the job! Oh, Gloria, that's wonderful! Mike, Gloria got the job.
Really? Oh, congratulations, honey.
That's great.
Michael, I was so nervous.
You know, I had to cross my legs so I wouldn't hear my knees knocking.
Ain't that a coincidence? Mine used to do that.
I remember my interview with the Hercules Plumbing Company.
I had to wrap my feet around the legs of my chair to keep my knees from knocking together.
Did it work? Oh, yeah, except I forgot about it when I started to stand up.
I fell right over the boss's desk and broke his clock radio.
Now hear this.
After dinner, I'm taking all of us down to Kelsey's bar for a drink to celebrate.
Oh, great.
Oh, good.
Whoop-dee-doo! Ah-hah! You think I couldn't do it, but I done it.
Wait till you see.
You did it, Daddy? Archie, that's wonderful! Congratulations.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
What did you do? I rebuttaled that guy on TV about the guns.
MICHAEL: You really went down to that station? Yeah.
Daddy, you were on television? Archie, you were on television, and we missed it? Why didn't you call us and tell us? Because I knew I was coming right home, and I'm going to be on there in about two minutes.
Oh, wow.
He's going to be on.
This I got to see.
This I got to see.
Oh, Edith, they couldn't wait to get me on there.
They brought me into a studio, sat me down on a stool, told me to do it right there, and I done it there, on tape.
Really, Daddy? In your own words? Certainly, my own words, little girl.
What else do you think they wanted? "Just say it into the camera the way you said it to us.
" Here, not yet.
[SHUTS OFF TV.]
Oh, boy, Edith, you should've seen that camera.
Oh, with the wheels, everything, the lights Did they make you up, Daddy? Sure.
Oh, no, Gloria, they wouldn't have to do that.
Archie is real.
No.
Ma, I mean makeup to cover his 5:00 shadow.
Aw, nah.
They just puffed a little powder all over.
Yeah, a little Helena Rubinstein.
Shut up.
And I blew it right off after it was all over anyway.
And you really said that guns were okay? I certainly did, and you know something about that station master down there? The guy never fired off a gun in his life.
He admitted that to me.
So? So? Some crackpot who never fired off a gun in his life, he wants to take the fun away from all the other guys.
Yeah, that's right, Arch.
He's a regular killjoy.
Yeah, and talking about killing, cars kill more people in this country than guns every year.
Did you know that? And I told him that on the TV too.
Archie, that's stupid.
Drivers don't mean to kill people.
Oh, no? You ain't driven a cab yet, bud.
Here we are, here we are.
All right, everybody, clam up now.
Oh, look what they did to your hair.
ANNOUNCER: Mr.
Archie Bunker, speaking in reply to the editorial broadcast last Saturday.
Good evening, everybody.
This here is Archie Bunker of 704 Hauser Street, veteran of the big war, speaking on behalf of guns for everybody.
Now question: what was the first thing that the communists done when they took over Russia? Answer: gun control.
And there's a lot of people in this country want to do the same thing to us here in a kind of conspiracy, see? You take your big international bankers uh, they want to-- what do you call-- masticate the people of this here nation like puppets on a wing.
And then, when they get that done, turn us over to the commies.
Oh, Archie, I'm glad they put you on a stool.
Shh, shh, shh.
You look taller sitting down.
Shush! Now I want to talk about another thing that's on everybody's mind today, and that's yous stickups and yous skyjackers, which, uh, if that was up to me, I could end the skyjackings tomorrow.
You could? All you got to do is arm all your passengers.
If he knows the passengers are armed and that he ain't got no more superior-ority there, then he ain't gonna dare to pull out no rod, and then you realize that they wouldn't have to search the passengers on the ground no more.
They just pass out the pistols at the beginning of the trip, and they pick them up again at the end.
Case closed.
That's incredible, Arch.
What do you mean, "incredible"? What I said made damn good sense to me, even when I heard it played back on the television.
I hated every word you said, but you sure came through loud and clear.
Well, experience tells, Meathead.
You don't command men on a loading platform without learning something.
Wow, this has really been quite a day, Daddy.
You were on television and I got a job.
Yeah.
It's him.
You're him.
The guy I just saw on television down the street.
Mr.
Bunker.
That's right.
You seen the show? Yeah.
I want to shake your hand.
Hey, gee, pleased to meet you.
Hey, listen to this the public here.
Man, I really dug what you said about those guns.
I mean, I couldn't have said it better myself.
Oh, I bet you're real proud of him, huh? [GLORIA AND EDITH AGREE.]
Well, you know, I'm just trying to set the public straight on something, that's all.
Like when you said, "Guns are what brings law and order to our cities.
" Yeah, and what shoot a hundred policemen a year.
Who's this? He's only my son-in-law.
Don't pay no attention to him.
He's a meatheaded student, and he don't know nothing about the real world.
Listen, you ought to listen to him.
Like when he said, quote: "Guns are just like free speech.
" Beautiful.
Well, the truth is beautiful.
Beautiful.
You said it all, fella.
Why don't you have a beer with us? Oh, no.
Actually, I got to get to work now.
Uh, Louis? Put your money in the hat.
Huh? Wallet! Wallet! The wallets? All right, don't shoot, now.
Here, here, here.
Give me your wristwatch.
Oh, Archie.
Give it to him, Edith.
He'll kill me.
That's it now, folks.
Louis? Oh, by the way, Mr.
Bunker, did you pay for those drinks? No.
Bartender? The drinks are on me.
Bye-bye, everybody.
Bye-bye.
Leave me alone.
Get away from me! What? What? Just get away from me, Meathead, that's all! Took my wallet, all my dough my paycheck, everything gone.
Well, that proves my point-- if he didn't have a gun he wouldn't have robbed us.
Well, if I had had a gun, he wouldn't have robbed us neither.
When I reached for my wallet, I'd pull out a pistol, and I'd give it to him.
Well, he'd have given it to you too, Archie.
Aw! Yeah, and then you'd both be dead.
I don't care! At least I'd have more money than I got now! [.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.