Open All Hours (1973) s03e02 Episode Script

There's no "O" in "special".
We're not educating them, we're luring them in! -- How's that gonna lure 'em in? -- To those who can't spell, it won't matter.
They'll just come and see what's special.
But there are 28 clever dicks who would have walked straight by, who will feel obliged to pop in and tell us how to spell! Once they've c--crossed that doorway, I'll have 'em! Did you get me letter? Yes.
Well, then? It's very kind of you, Granville.
It's very flattering.
I'd hate to stand in the way of your photographic career, but with this job and studying, I couldn't possibly take up your offer of modelling.
Well, then, would you care to consider the position of a housekeeper? You haven't even got a house! I haven't even got a camera, either! Granville, fetch your feather flicker and get round them top shelves.
I've only got one pair of hands.
I don't know how that poor woman manages on the money her husband brings home.
She can't afford half the stuff I sell her.
-- Why do you sell it to her, then? -- I try not to, but I can't break the habit.
Oh, dear.
You know, we're overstocked on g--ginger cake.
Oh, dear! The Western Alliance is gonna be in for a panic! My word! Wall Street's in for a nervous period! Mind you, they'll be chuckling away in the Kremlin.
They'll be saying, "Ivan! Have you heard? "Arkwright's overstocked with ginger cake!" I d--do wish you'd keep quiet! I hate that scrunching sound that errand boys make when you have to tread on 'em! "Errand boy"? I thought I was assistant deputy manager! I've told everybody I'm assistant deputy manager -- acting, unpaid.
Whether you retain that position depends entirely -- you may be surprised to learn -- on how fast you can sh--shift g--g--genuine J--J--Jamaican g--g--ginger cake.
Bet I can shift it faster than you can say it! 'Ere, "genuine" Jamaican ginger cakes? They've never been anywhere near Jamaica! What's that got to do with it? We sell Mars bars, don't we? Anyway, you Hungarian people wouldn't know anything about West Indian produce.
If it were a half--pound of goulash, that might be different.
Don't start that Hungarian business again.
It wasn't me who started giving the Hungarian the business, it was your mother.
You have no proof that I'm half--Hungarian.
From the waist down you look very Hungarian.
-- Well, I don't think so.
-- You wouldn't.
Hungarians don't sit about looking at their bottom half saying, "That looks Hungarian!" Have you got any solid grounds for these suppositions about me mother? There's plenty of solid ground around that your mother gave rise to suppositions on.
-- Mainly down by the canal.
-- That's pure guesswork.
No, not with the amount of fresh fish she brought home of an evening! Rubbish! Anyway, if I was half--Hungarian, why would she call me Granville? Perhaps your top half is called Granville.
That bottom half could be called any d--d--damn thing.
Probably answers to some name like "Hugo".
There's a novelty.
It's a great day for personal discoveries.
Me mother was the fisherman's friend and my bottom half's called Hugo.
-- (SHOP BELL) -- Don't you go, Hugo, I'll go.
Come in, don't be hesitant.
Everything's for sale.
No, I don't want anything.
I was passing and I noticed you spelt your sign incorrectly.
Would you believe it! then suddenly this head comes round the door and starts c--correcting your spelling! Have you anything to substantiate these charges? Come and have a look.
You've spelt "special" with a "ho".
W--W--With a "ho"? What sort of d--damn fool would spell "special" with a "ho"? Ho.
You do f--feel a fool, don't you? -- I noticed it as soon as I turned t'corner.
-- You've got v--very sharp eyes.
That's true.
I've always got me head in a book.
I think that with the proper schooling I could be even more important than I am now.
Yes.
If I'm not careful, you'll be one of those eagle--eyed customers who, before I can say J--Jack R--R--R before I can s--s--s--say J--Jack J--J--J--Jack R .
.
before I can say Ron Micklethwaite .
.
you are going to be s--spotting all my bargains and cleaning me out of profits for the week.
What did you move then? When? Just then.
You moved that tin.
-- I m--moved that tin? -- It was over here.
I can't k--keep anything from you, can I? I thought, "Hello, what's he doing hiding that tin?" -- Baked beans? -- Yes.
Spelt correctly, is it? Aye, it's spelt correctly.
Why would anybody hide a tin of baked beans? Well, now, they're only that price for people who have a regular weekly order.
I can't go giving them away at that price to any strange spelling freak that comes in.
What price should they be? People who've always got their heads in books seldom know the price of baked beans.
-- That's the wife's department.
-- Yes.
I bet you don't know the prices of a whole range of simple commodities, do you? I know you don't spell "special" with a "ho"! Ta--ra, Mum! (SHOP BELL RINGS) Right.
Can you manage? That's the idea.
Well done.
And you certainly have been! Cheerio, with two "E"s! -- And one "ho"! -- One "ho"! -- Hello, my love.
-- Business is looking up! -- Yes, but pleasure is looking down.
-- What are you gawping at? I was thinking, "One day, all this will be mine.
Lock, stock and b--both barrels! -- Will you get behind that counter! -- I've been behind the counter.
A man gets this urge for places he's only h--heard about.
And I thought you weren't interested in chapel! You're supposed to be in the healing profession.
Is there somewhere we could go that's quiet? I want to show you my elbow.
I've seen an elbow.
When you've seen one, you've seen 'em all.
You're in a damned difficult profession for an engaged p--person.
"Where's your fiancée, Arkwright?" they say.
"Oh," I say, "she could be anywhere.
"Looking at the elbow of a s--stranger.
" -- When are we going to get married? -- You know how things are.
I don't even know where things are! We'll get married as soon as I can see me way clear.
What are your meringues like? I'm not telling you till after we're married! -- Two can play at that game, you know.
-- Silly beggar! Come here.
I'm in a hurry.
So am I.
It's very difficult living in this constant state of anticipation.
-- I can get you something for that.
-- I've got something! -- In a bottle.
-- Oh.
It's your own fault.
You won't live with me mother and I can't leave her.
She's a dear little f--frail old lady.
Course you can leave her! Dump her on a park bench and run! She'll never catch you up.
-- Typical! No wonder she can't stand you.
-- I don't see how anyone can live with her.
Your father couldn't stick it five minutes! He didn't walk out.
He were killed in the war.
They'll go to any lengths to avoid her, won't they? -- Don't be awful.
-- All right.
She gets so bored, lying in that lonely bed hour after hour.
Yes, I kn--know the feeling.
-- Perhaps I'll take her a tin of pilchards.
-- Wouldn't a budgie be more company? Oh, dear! Listen, you dozy old fool! -- I want something to tempt her appetite.
-- Tempt her appetite?! She goes through a four--course meal like machinery up a motorway! That's only on her good days.
Some days she eats like a bird.
Yes, a pelican! Hey, what about some of that, then? That's ideal, is that.
Ginger cake? Jamaican ginger cake? Lovely with a bit of butter on it, but aren't we all? You've been trying to unload this all week.
It's been featured on your window, displayed on the counter.
Why k--keep quiet about a good thing? -- A good thing? Then why's nobody buying it? -- I had begun to consider that myself.
I know you of old, Arkwright.
I expect you to push it on other customers, but don't unload all the junk you're overstocked with on me! Oh, my love Ooh! I'm late for work.
I'm coming over tonight to show you my elbow.
I'll stick it through the letterbox.
Huh! It's no good, Granville.
We'll have to box cleverer than this! How much boxier do you think I can get? Listen, I think people realise I've got ginger cake on my mind.
I'm not surprised.
For the last ten days, they've hardly got through that door before it's been, "Good morning, Mrs G--Ginger Cake! "Nice ginger cake for the time of year.
"How's your eldest cake? Is he still a bit g--g--ginger?" Listen, Granville Oh, dear! -- I'll take two ounces.
-- Right.
-- Don't need much with no man in the house.
-- No, I suppose not, not in quantity.
Still, now you should spoil yourself for a few luxury items.
Not after a lifetime scrimping and saving.
After a lifetime scrimping and saving, you should be able to afford a few luxury items.
-- Oh, I've got a bit tucked away.
-- Yes, you k--keep it tucked away! -- I intend to.
-- I can tell that by your expression! Of course, I had him insured.
It brought me a lump sum.
Oh, yes.
It's very sad.
Brings a lump sum to the throat! -- Financially, I've never been as well off.
-- That's very true.
But how long will it last if you keep lashing out on two ounces of corned beef? -- I shall continue living simply.
-- Ah, you've no idea how that sort of common sense warms the heart of a shopkeeper.
Oh, dear! Oh, I don't know! It's lovely when it all quietens down! There we are, Mrs F--F--F Oh, dear! Don't tiptoe about, Granville, come in (!) -- What have you got there? -- That is a bargain.
-- It's dripping oil! -- Granville, dripping in front of a lady! -- 'Eck, I'm sorry! -- What does he want with that? I don't know what he wants.
Who can tell at his age? Only last week I caught him sneaking off with an entire g--ginger cake.
-- A ginger cake? -- We got a new batch in.
It's irresistible.
-- All it needs is a new clutch.
-- And a few more raisins.
Listen, Granville, I hate to criticise, but in this subdued light this looks like an old lawn mower.
It is a lawn mower! Aren't we overlooking something, Mr Thrower? We haven't got a f--flamin' lawn! I know we haven't got a lawn.
I've raised a buyer.
All these years I've been trying to bring him up as a seller.
And now he turns out to be a b--buyer! I bought it for the engine.
I'm gonna fix it to the shop bike.
-- Morning, Mr Arkwright! -- Good morning, Bert.
Oh, dear! Oh! Look at all them p--poor buns! That's ingenious! A mower just inside the doorway.
I wonder why other shops haven't thought of that.
-- I'll make sure he's all right.
-- Granville! First thing to do is consider the legal position, which is quite plain on first principles.
-- What principles? -- Deny all responsibility! He comes bouncing in here, kicking an old lawn mower in off the street! Off the street? It was in here! Who in their right mind would l--leave a lawn mower in here? -- It was in here! -- An old mower? I walked through that door and "Wouf!" I'm going before we get to needing witnesses.
-- Granville, don't touch that bun! -- Never touched it! Once we touch that bun we have accepted delivery.
What'll we do with a load of d--damaged buns that have been on this filthy floor? They were not damaged buns when I came in.
I understand that, B--Bert.
I realise your predicament.
Let's have a chat outside.
-- What predicament? -- Getting an offer for them old buns.
Granville, start picking up our buns.
-- You said they weren't our buns.
-- They will be in a minute! (MECHANICAL WHIRRING IN KITCHEN) I brought this back, Mr Arkwright.
Can I change it for the other one you showed me? Yes, if you like, Julie.
There's no price difference.
They're on that card over there.
Granville, could you keep it down in there? (WHIRRING STOPS) -- What? -- For goodness' sake, keep it down in there! -- There must be 14 different shampoos here! -- I know! Typical! You break your back trying to perform some technological breakthrough and all he can say is, "G--Granville, k--k--k--keep it down in there"! There's a lady here who can't hear herself change her mind.
-- Oh! Hello, Julie! -- Hello, Granville! Has your husband come back yet? I expect he will do, though, won't he? I expect so.
He did last time.
-- I thought you w--were busy in there.
-- I am busy in there.
I'm fixing an engine on my shop bike.
-- Be careful, Granville.
-- He's not the Wright Brothers! He's not making the world's f--first aeroplane -- though looking at the mess there, it looks like it -- just after it had done a pancake! He's clever with his hands, your Granville.
Deny everything.
Go on! Would you say I'd got flyaway hair? No.
It's still on your head, in't it? -- What exactly is flyaway hair? -- Don't ask me! Ask Freddie Laker in there.
I'll take this one.
I've never had it before.
When your husband leaves, it's time to do something different with your hair.
Now, Julie, don't start behaving like a s--single woman again just because your husband's gone for a few weeks.
With another woman? Maybe they're just going in the same direction.
She's pregnant.
My goodness.
They must have been going in opposite directions! Is there a shortage of ginger cake? Oh, yes, it's worldwide, you know.
People can't get enough of it.
It's the Japanese.
They're grabbing in everything they can lay their hands on.
God knows what Oriental p--practices they will be pursuing with them.
They're a neat race, but small, I think.
Maybe that's the answer.
They've taken to standing on ginger cakes at sporting events.
-- They have wooden pillows.
-- Not any more.
They use ginger cakes.
Tell you what, Julie.
Here, slip one in your bag.
That's very good of you, Mr Arkwright! If you can't help a few friends, what is life about? -- No, you can't.
-- Can't what? You can't come barging in asking for ginger cake.
-- Ginger cake? -- Oh, very well, then.
Just the one.
It's 57p.
But I came in for razor blades! That's the s--spirit, Cyril.
Sounds much better than saying you came in for ginger cake.
People get very offended if you don't distribute these things f--fairly.
What would I want with ginger cake? Hey! Can someone come here and hold this? Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
I can't come and hold this.
Cyril's in the shop.
You know what a gossip mouth he is.
If I can persuade him of the m--magical properties of ginger cake, he'll spread the gospel all round the town.
I want someone to come and hold this! Julie, do me a favour.
Go and assist Flying Officer Kite through there.
Suppose I do something wrong? You'll be all right so long as he's got both hands full.
Oh dear! Haven't you got anything smaller? There we are, then, C--Cyril.
Razor blades and one ginger cake.
One ginger cake? Why the hell should I want one ginger cake? I know how you feel, but I can't possibly let you have any more.
-- More?! -- No, I swore one cake p--per customer.
That's the wife's department, cakes.
I don't buy cakes.
-- You buy r--razor blades, don't you? -- I don't expect her to buy razor blades.
Oh.
Uses electric, does she? I can't hear any drilling in there.
Keep drilling! What do you mean, "uses electric"? She's not bad--looking, my missus, is she? Don't you know? Well, you get busy, don't you? Surely you must have n--noticed her around the place? Well, I'd have noticed if she'd gone bad--looking, wouldn't I? -- She used to be good--looking.
-- She is still very attractive, Cyril.
-- There you are.
I knew she was.
-- Not a very close relationship, is it? Well, you get your own interests.
Yes.
Tell me, Cyril, once upon a time, didn't you ever have s--s--similar interests? Of course we did! Naturally.
Certainly.
You do, don't you, in the beginning? Hmm.
When you first went on your honeymoon, and she started to allow you to practise those little practices that you practise I know, I know! Well, when you came back after a fortnight, it wasn't compulsory to stop! You are a life member.
-- I know, you fool.
-- You slipped back into your old ways.
I've got me allotment and she bakes for the church.
Does she? Where does she get her flour? She doesn't come to me for flour.
The vicar lets her have it.
Somebody lets him have it wholesale.
Oh.
That's how you get to h--heaven, is it? -- Mind you, there is another way, Cyril.
-- What? Of getting a little bit of heaven.
Don't you ever wish that you could put a little sparkle back into your marriage? Well, of course! But where do you find the golden key? Funny you should say that, Cyril.
-- Ginger cake? -- Jamaican g--g--ginger cake.
Land of the throbbing d--drums! Land of the tropical heat.
Land of the Woodbines? Not Woodbines, no! A much stronger weed.
Something to set your blood racing.
Something you can either smoke or sprinkle into your home cooking, in accordance with ancient voodoo recipes.
Isn't it illegal? What effect does it have? What effect does it have? You can throw away all your powdered rhino horn, for a start! -- Still, I know you, Cyril.
-- Where are you going with that? No.
You won't keep your mouth shut.
You'll want to be known as the man who introduced them all to g--ginger cake as a marital aid.
I shan't say a word! Keep drilling in there! Why are all those fellows who keep coming in to buy ginger cake behaving so strangely? Strangely? They come in with dark glasses and cap pulled down.
They're asking for it in a plain wrapper.
I haven't the r--remotest idea! (SHOP BELL RINGS) I should have been an engineer.
Part of the great team that builds the motorways.
Or that greater team that comes behind 'em, repairing 'em! Hello, my love! 'Ey up! Here comes another one! Go on, then.
Listen, when are we going to have a rehearsal for our wedding? You'll not need one.
It's not as if you've got much of a part! Charming! Hey! Wow! Phew! That ginger cake! It works? -- Works? Ooh, wow! -- What's going on? Just an idea I've had for something for your supper, my love.
(BELL RINGS) -- I'll get another one.
-- I've just sold the last one.
-- The last one? -- Aye, to him up there.
It's a dark night.
God save all lonely travellers.
Especially those good--natured simple souls inclined to spend money! Forgive us our trespasses, Lord.
Particularly those of us under the influence of ginger cake.
Oh, and if our Granville could be a shade taller, he'd be much more useful on the end of a feather duster.
However, suit yourself.
I shall stick by you.
It'll soon be only me and thee who's not either nationalised or a limited company!