Open All Hours (1973) s03e04 Episode Script

Fifty per cent?! F--Fifty per cent.
It's a bit fierce, in't it? Not like you.
I've seen you go white at five per cent! If you want to attract people in, you've got to be b--bold.
I see.
How many items have we got marked How many? None, you clown! You don't think I'm g--giving stuff away? Morning, sir.
Seriously, have you thought about a drawbridge? Morning, Granville! For me? That's really sweet, Granville.
Well, er Why don't you take one bottle and I'll hold the flowers? -- Say something.
Can't you speak? -- Normally I can.
I mean, normally I can speak.
What I mean is, if we were going out together on a date I'd be able to speak.
I'm almost certain I'd be able to speak.
Nobody's ever given me flowers on the street.
You're a nice person, Granville.
-- Aw! I wish you'd never said that.
-- Why? That's what girls say when they turn round and go off with somebody nasty! -- Somebody big, handsome and nasty.
-- Funny you should say that.
I knew it! I knew it! Never mind.
Keep the flowers anyway.
What's me boyfriend going to say? Don't tell him.
I'm not gonna tell him.
He's the milk round supervisor.
He'll see me with these.
Well, just be honest about it.
Tell him that Granville gave them to you.
Granville, who's not such a nice person but maybe underneath is pretty nasty in an attractive sort of way.
Keep the flowers.
Tell him that's how Granville is -- flowers, champagne Bolts! Stick to your bolts.
Milk round supervisor? Big, in't he? -- Did Mrs G--Gillespie come in for her bread? -- Yes.
-- Wh--What happened to the flowers? -- Her boyfriend gave 'em back to me.
Oh! So we're giving flowers to the milk woman's boyfriend now, are we? Sometimes I really do think he's Hungarian! I th--th--th--th--thought I I thought I kn--knew that face.
Bessie Enderly.
Granville, you remember Bessie Enderly? -- No.
-- Yes, you do.
That's her there.
A very undistinguished woman.
Lived in G--Gordon Street with her second husband.
-- What happened to her first? -- He fell off a ladder.
-- Oh, dear.
-- Yeah.
Onto Mrs B--B--Bradbury.
He so enjoyed the experience, he made it a habit.
As soon as his leg got better, they ran away together.
-- They're now living, I believe, in s--s--s -- In sin? C--C--Cirencester.
Which I understand is very similar.
I admire people who have the courage to do that.
Yes, it takes a lot of p--pluck to go and live in C--Cirencester.
I mean to throw caution to the wind for the person you love and run off together.
Have you been r--reading the W--William Hickey column again? By the way, didn't you and I ought to have a talky--walky about the milk woman's b--boyfriend? No, we didn't.
I was merely speculating seriously about people like myself who have a burning urge.
B--Burning urge? You can't even get a f--fire going! All you've got so far is a puff of smoke and sooty fingers.
-- Everything's damp.
-- It's your age.
It'll pass.
-- The sticks are damp, the coal is damp.
-- Go and open a p--packet of firelighters.
You won't let me use firelighters.
"They're too expensive.
" They are in this damn shop! I'm not paying these prices.
Get round the Co--op and buy some.
I'm joking.
Go and open a packet.
All right! Not if they're gonna count as my birthday present, I won't! You s--see through all my little p--ploys, don't you? Go on, agreed.
Agreed.
-- What about her, then? -- Who? -- This woman you're reading about.
-- B--B--Bessie Enderly? Aye, her from Gordon Street.
She's not there any more.
She's in the paper, getting married for the third time.
She doesn't hang about.
A minute ago she was getting married for the second time.
-- (SHOP BELL) -- What happened to her second husband? Never you mind.
Just make sure you put the money in the till for them firelighters.
Oh, you silly beggar! My God.
There's nothing startles you more than a furtive grocer! That was only a little startle.
Wait till you s--see me big startle! -- Might I make a suggestion? -- No, I've heard your suggestions.
It seems a pity you holding your chest and me holding this c--car door.
Couldn't we come to some different arrangement? Out of me way.
I'm gagging for a cup of tea.
To strike a more depressing note, how's your mum today? She's fine, thank you.
I'm g--glad about that.
-- You'll never go to heaven, you.
-- Me?! What about her? -- She's been p--putting it off for years! -- Don't be like that! Don't you feel any bitterness that she's s--standing in your way? It's you that's standing in me way.
-- What are you doing in there? -- I'm sitting here while the seat's warm! It's about as close as I get to the privileges of an engaged p--person.
Being engaged to you is like having your own piano and not being allowed to h--have a tinkle on it.
Yes, but you're after the same three notes! Listen, I appeal to you from the warm seat of this Morris Minor.
-- I'll make it up to you some day.
-- Couldn't we arrange a bit on account? If there's one thing you've taught me, it's never give credit.
Aye.
Ooh! Oh, dear, dear! Never mind, we shan't be using that end.
-- Take two of these.
-- Two of them?! Two of these in a cold bath at least once a day.
Or whenever the itch gets unbearable! And whatever you do, don't scratch it! Oh, all right.
Come over when I've tucked me mother in.
We'll have a bit of supper.
Can't your mother eat the supper and I'll tuck you in? Very well.
Hey! What have you got that's got 50% off? That's the spirit, my love.
Keep up that attitude of frank curiosity and we could be in for a memorable evening! (PARPING) -- Oh, it's you.
-- Oh, Sooty, what have you been playing at? Have you been out with Sweep again? Look at the s--state of you! Haven't you got that fire going? I think I've got it going now.
Where have you been? I have been sitting in the warm seat of a M--Morris Minor.
Whatever for? I've a great affection for the old M--Morris Minor, you know.
I love the way it curves around b--bonnet and boot.
Much as does a c--certain friend of mine who shall remain nameless but state--registered.
Delivery, Mr Arkwright.
Can you open t'warehouse door? Was it your impression that a broom head just came round the door? -- Don't worry.
I'll go.
-- No, I will go.
I like to count everything those delivery men bring in.
-- You've gotta trust somebody sometimes.
-- Not when you're signing for it.
Look what happened to Neville Chamberlain.
-- Morning, Mrs Featherstone.
-- Is he in? No.
Just us.
You and me.
A man and a woman.
Alone.
Oh, my God, it's gonna be one of them days, is it? He's checking a delivery.
Is there anything I can do? -- I prefer to be served by older persons.
-- I'm not contagious.
Nothing personal.
You're a willing lad.
-- I am.
I'm a willing lad.
-- Simply that a woman of my age, alone We're all alone, Mrs Featherstone, in the end.
Sometimes at both ends.
You see how you are! You're weird! -- Weird? -- You talk weird.
You're not like older people.
Nobody talks to me.
I'm invisible.
I'm the errand boy from outer space.
It's not possible for a woman of my age to have a gossip with a person of your age.
I'm sorry, but there's no satisfaction in it for the seasoned gossiper.
You've got to play in your own league.
You wouldn't ask Kevin Keegan in for a game of blow football.
What's it really like to be a woman? See what I mean? You're weird! I'll just take two small loaves, please, Granville.
Dunno why you think I'm weird! My, they make you sweat, them deliveries.
-- Why didn't you let the driver bring it in? -- I did! It's not that, it's the p--prices! It's all these h--overheads.
Are you gonna be depressed all day because you've had a big bill? I p--possibly am.
It's a free country.
An Englishman has a right to be depressed if he wants.
But you get all your money back when you've resold the stuff.
When's that going to be? What's my money worth by the time I get that back? -- It's all the m--middlemen.
-- Oh, no! Me fire's gone out again! What we should really be selling is stuff we make ourselves.
I've just washed me hands and now me fire's gone out again.
Treacle toffee.
We m--m--might have a go at t--treacle toffee.
Arkwright's f--f--famous t--t--t--treacle t--toffee.
That s--sounds all right, does that.
That sounds as if it's been g--going a long time.
More than you can say for this damn fire! I can see a lorry on the motorway with that written on it.
"Arkwright's f--fam--f--famous t--t--t--treacle t--t--t--t--t--toffee.
" You'll never get all that on the side of a lorry! Just d--don't waste your breath on witticisms.
Save it for blowing.
Anyway, there's no demand for t--treacle toffee nowadays.
Not since y--yoghurt came in.
It's very sticky, isn't it, t--treacle toffee? Nurse Gladys and I might become even more attached than ever.
Hey, I might have to m--marry her! No, she'll think of some t--terrible medical way of wr--wriggling loose.
-- Ooh, it don't half make your eyes water.
-- Yeah, that's the method! Oh.
You see, what we should be supplying is something that's in constant demand.
No, it's no good.
I'll have to use another firelighter.
-- F--F--Fire F--Fire! F--Fire F--Fire! -- Where? Fire F--Fire No, f--firelighters! -- Firelighters? I only want to use one! -- No, that is it! Firelighters! -- That's what we'll do! -- Firelighters? You're coming off on me! That's my best pinny.
Look what you made me do! Your pinny is going to get stained anyway when we start making f--firelighters.
-- Making firelighters? -- In the sh--shed out the back! F--F--Firelighters! -- Off sch--school again, are you? -- It's boring.
Do you realise that 70% of the ratepayers' money goes on education? We haven't done per cents.
Looking at you, I can't shake off this feeling that we're all due for a m--massive refund! You can read, can you? It's boring! You sh--shouldn't be s--smoking at your age! Not if you're n--not buying them from me! Cyril? You have the silent tread of a Yorkshire c--county cricket supporter! What exciting new product? What exciting new product? I shouldn't worry about it, if I were you.
It's a bit late to do much for you.
-- What do you mean, it's too late? -- Only my little joke.
-- You wanna jack it in, jokes like that.
-- Listen.
Hey, get off! What's wrong? Nothing! I shouldn't w--worry about it.
It'll probably clear up.
-- Probably? -- Yes, don't w--worry about it.
It usually g--goes away on its own.
-- What does? -- The yellow flecks in the eyes.
I tell people.
I say, "Don't bother about it.
It invariably g--goes away on its own.
" Have a look yourself if you don't b--believe me.
I can't see no yellow flecks.
That's 'cause you're looking from the back.
If you were looking from the front I'll bet loads of people have flecks in their eyes.
Oh, they do.
Course they do.
When they get billiard deficiency.
-- Billiard deficiency? -- Don't take my word for it! Go and ask your doctor.
I'm just a homespun expert.
-- What the hell's billiard deficiency? -- There's lots of Latin names for it, Cyril, but it boils down to that run--down feeling you get when you get up in the morning.
Billiard d--deficiency.
You look in the mirror and suddenly life seems to be more pockets than balls.
-- Is there anything you can do about it? -- Funny you should say that.
"Dr Prosser's vitamin supplement"? -- Is it any good? -- Any good? This has been banned in all those countries that don't practise self--discipline.
And p--parts of Wales, and all! -- I'll take a bottle.
-- You'll never look back, Cyril.
You won't be able to for the first six weeks! It gives you a stiff neck if you're not careful.
That's 85p, and £1 for the mirror.
-- The mirror? -- You want to check the flecks in the eyes! Do it privately.
If the wife catches you looking in the house mirrors, she'll eventually think you've got another woman! By that time, you should have! She'll put two and two together and make one.
-- One? -- One hell of a row! That's true.
That's true! Thank you, C--Cyril! H--How are you doing, Granville? Th--That's too strong! -- I know it's too strong.
-- You wanna cut your mixture down! I don't know whether this is gonna work.
Arkwright's Little Flamers? Course they're g--going to work.
They've lit your cap, haven't they? You dip your r--rag in your mixture, you see, and then you p--put the sticks all round it like that.
Then you've got your firewood on the outside and this flammable core on the inside.
-- You dropped it.
-- I know I d--dropped it.
I'm just demonstrating.
Pick it up.
Hang about.
This bit of rag looks familiar.
Of course it is.
I've just dropped it on the floor! It's not It's me shirt! It's me sh Me best disco shirt! That old s--spotted thing? Yes, that old spotted What do you mean, "old spotted thing"? Oh, look at it now! It's never looked better, in my opinion! -- You've never liked it, have you? -- Course I liked it.
It's just that every time I read the washing instructions on the back, I was reminded very keenly of your poor d--dear mother.
-- What instructions? -- "No wring" -- she never had one either! -- It's me best disco shirt! -- You've never b--been to a disco! No, but this is the shirt I would have worn if I had! -- Any old shirt will do not to go in! -- But I wanted to not go in this one! You'll just have to s--stay at home in something completely different! -- It never suited you, that sh--shirt.
-- That shirt had real flair.
It's ideal for firelighters, then, isn't it? Granville, let us just be honest with one another.
I hate it when you say, "Granville, let's be honest with one another.
" -- Why? -- Because I know it's gonna cost me money! Granville, G--Granville.
I'm not too keen on "Granville, G--Granville" either! That shirt made you look too Hungarian.
So what? You keep telling me I'm supposed to be half--Hungarian.
It's the bottom half of you that's Hungarian.
That's where the gypsy in you is.
You can't put your shirt on the bottom half, can you? Think of the neck hole! No, you are British from the waist up.
It's only from the waist down that you are slightly Budapest! Some sort of a pest, any road! Consign your shirt to the flames, Granville, and stick to your firelighters.
There might be something very big for you in it.
Like a bonus? -- You d--drive a hard bargain, you.
-- Look at the tutor I've had! Tell you what I'll do.
Every one of your f--firelighters that we use on our fire, I will let you have at c--cost.
Oh, dear! There we are, Mrs Parsloe.
-- Anything at all for M--Mr Parsloe? -- Why? He never buys anything for me.
I thought you might surprise him with something tasty.
I would, if I knew where she lived! How's that eldest b--boy of yours, then? -- Getting dafter.
-- Oh, dear.
Thank you, Mrs Parsloe.
Call again! I suppose I shall have to! -- Afternoon, Mrs Parsloe! -- Glad you think so! -- That woman! -- She's had a hard life.
She was built for it.
Specially designed for it! Imagine how she'd cope with being happy! Very below average in being happy, my love! Stay! Sit! Sit! Sit! Who was that? Don't worry.
It's a man whose dog often takes him for a walk! -- What size dog is it? -- Dunno.
He's n--never got that far in! -- What if he wants to buy something? -- You'll see.
He'll be back in a minute.
-- Here he comes.
-- Stay! Stay! Could I Watch this next bit.
It's good, this.
Could I have Well, at least we've got his money! -- What does he want? -- A smaller flamin' dog, if you ask me! -- What does he want to buy? -- That will become clear in time, my love.
Stay! Stay! Sit! Could I have a packet of condition powders? What will he do with it when it gets healthy? -- Why don't you do something with that till? -- I know, I'll have to.
One of these days I'll come in and find you armless.
Which would do us all a favour! It is on the list of little adjustments I have to make, second in order of priority.
What's first? Serves me right for asking.
I know! Now, watch.
Here we go.
Nice boy! Nice boy! Down! Sit! -- Ooh! Thank you very much.
-- You're welcome! Cheeri--ooooo! Cheeri--ooooo! He's right at the t--top of the street now.
If he's in that good a condition it must be him taking the powders! -- I've forgotten what I came in for now! -- I know what you want.
The point is, will you let me give it you? Or, rather, sell it you.
Let's get our p--priorities right! You are a m--medical person.
Would you like to p--prod me gently to see where it hurts? -- I wouldn't! -- (EXPLOSION) -- What was that? -- I think our Granville's just gone off! Oh, my God! What's he been doing? He's been making his mixture too strong! -- What's he had you messing with in there? -- Yes, nicely, thank you! I'm telling you it's too strong.
And p--put your cap out when you're talking to people! I wonder where our Granville gets to at nights.
Soon as it got near closing time he was off like a rocket.
That's three times today he's gone off like a rocket! You feel such a fool in the shop.
Bang! "Whoops! Excuse me.
I'll just go and put our Granville out.
" There's not a lot of confidence as yet in Arkwright's Little Flamers.
Pure prejudice.
I've just lit me parlour fire with one.
It'll be all nice and snug in case I can lure Nurse Gladys back for a milk stout.
Oh, dear! Bang goes another evening of fun!