House of Lies s03e09 Episode Script
Zhang
Previously on House of lies Fly? - Nice.
- Why are you taking fashion advice - from boys don't cry in there? - Dad, I think that he is the first person who's ever really gotten me.
Which one of you stole my fucking drugs? Nobody stole your fucking drugs.
Okay? I'm out.
Have a good life.
You're mine forever.
They think they can just get rid of me? I was the linchpin behind - that shit show.
- Whoa, whoa.
- She got fired.
- Our guys are looking to trade their hard-earned edibility for a big ol' payday.
Little wrinkle here: They started on a street corner.
Drug dealers.
Lukas is all, "Dollahyde my baby.
" I want him out.
Lukas knows dre is trying to push him out of the company.
If we're gonna make a move to win him over, Marty, we gotta do it now.
Call Marty.
Tell him that You'll sign away Dollahyde but only under the follow condition.
Lukas is going to be asking for $150 million.
Lukas is gone as soon as he gets the cash.
Cash that dre doesn't have.
Then I guess you're Lukas's bitch.
Continue to roll.
We need b-roll.
Lukas, it's not cute.
No.
It's not cute.
Exactly.
Stop.
No, no, no.
Continue to roll.
- Turn this - Shut it off.
Hey.
This is gold.
Keep rolling.
Goddamn it.
Turn this fucking thing off! Wait.
So what are you saying, Marty? I'm saying that many places-- well, how 'bout just every fucking bank in the world-- does not want to make this loan with your boy Lukas.
He's had fucking felonies, man.
His drug ties, his goddamn gun-running.
Right.
But what about your client, uh, uh, U.
S.
national? You told me you had 'em all in your pocket.
Yeah, well, uh Turns out this deal is way too black for them.
That motherfucker has poisoned the whole goddamn universe against Dollahyde.
Listen, the universe is huge, okay? We just need to find some High-net-worth, non-risk-averse players.
You know, I didn't want to have to make this play, but I've been thinking on it.
I got the guy.
Zhang.
Zhang? Zhang.
He don't sound like a local.
Not exactly.
He's out of guanzhou.
Oh, great.
Right back to fucking China.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is a solo trip.
Zhang, he doesn't dig strangers, so I'm going in alone.
He's offered to be a silent partner, he's offered loans, manufacturing partnerships-- the man knows we're sitting on a gold mine with Dollahyde.
You really think he can get this money? I mean the whole nut.
I think, if I go to him And kiss his ass just right, I can get this goddamn money, even if I'm not Thrilled about his terms.
Well, smooch, smooch.
Yeah.
I'll get on a plane today.
In the meantime, why don't you grab a driver out of that bag and I can show you how to hit a real golf ball.
Oh.
All right, grandpa.
I'm here.
Huh? Oh, my God, look What? What? Oh, oh.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm cool, I'm cool.
Yeah.
Bye.
Take care, man.
I'll see you.
Bye, Chantelle.
Hey, gramps.
What it is? Well, hey, Lex.
Beautiful day, huh? Hadn't noticed.
Hey, Roscoe.
"Hey, Roscoe.
" Hey, Lex.
Hey, Coltrane.
So, they're, uh they're doing the 818 again tonight, that krumping thing in the valley I was telling you about.
It's pretty sick.
You should come by.
You could throw down some moves if you want.
Yeah sounds super edgy, jazz hands.
Wouldn't miss it.
I was talking to Roscoe, Lex.
Yeah, Coltrane, yeah, we'll come down.
We'll check it out.
I'm gonna wear my clown makeup.
It's not like that.
It's just It's labbing, trying new stuff, throwing down.
'Cause you two have something to krump about? Whatever.
See you, Roscoe.
See you, Coltrane.
See you, Roscoe.
I am so glad I'm not 14 anymore.
You're close, though.
Oh, you did come on! You're on my side, man! Ms.
Talbot.
Ms.
Talbot! Hi! Hello? Excuse me.
Um Hey, where the fuck is Marty and why have I been waiting for ten minutes? Hi, Ms.
Talbot.
You're adorable.
Oh.
Thank you.
Now, where the fuck is Marty? As a top-tier consultant, you know all about putting out fires at the high level.
This morning, Marty had a five-alarm predawn fire.
And he is just finishing that up right now, and he should be back any minute.
I'm sorry, who are you? I'm Caitlin Hobart.
I'm one of the junior analysts here at Kaan and associates.
I don't care if you're bouncing up and down on Marty's cock.
I want to know why he's not here right now.
I am paying full freight for Kaan and associates for this consult.
Not associates, Kaan and associates.
Certainly not junior fucking associates.
Right.
Understandable.
Um so, I thought that you and I could just start by just chunking out a journey line and Look into my eyes.
Uh-huh.
What do you see? I see You see a woman who was stabbed by her junior analyst.
You see a woman who will never be stabbed again.
Do you know why? I'm so sorry.
: Because I will stab first.
What'd I miss? Well, hey, Tiger Woods.
What's up? Was it a golf fire? Come on.
Oh, keep walking, coward.
Hey, mon? You're on the clock, so, uh What do you got? This right here is gonna make me fucking rich.
Is it full of magic beans? No.
It's full of Won.
W-o-n.
Stands for "wholesome organic nutrition.
" Or Like Monica just won the lottery.
Or Monica just won a $20 million payday.
But also like it is the one, the only thing you ever have to eat or drink for the rest of your fucking days.
And since you no longer have to cook or eat, you are free to spend more time blogging about your Meaningless life.
That's a great pitch.
Mm-hmm, insofar as it sounds like, well, every other protein powder on the market, I think.
Yeah.
As far as I can tell, it is.
But it doesn't matter because the fucking millennials are gobbling this shit up.
Oh, but millennials don't gobble anything up.
Hmm.
Well, maybe we should just take a look at this shit.
No.
Bam.
There's no way that This looks like gobblivg to me.
Hallelujah.
I have achieved wood.
Oh, my God, he's not kidding.
Monica, did you make these numbers up? I mean, does anything up there even resemble reality? Oh, this is vetted.
This is so vetted I have deferred my normal fee, and I am taking some massive stock options.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, kiddies, can you please tell Monica the number one rule in consulting? No freebies.
No freebies.
No inappropriate touching.
No freebies.
No freebies.
I'm the big-dicked bitch that made up the rules, Marty, and I am telling you this is a grand slam.
I just need your team to get me to that ipo and Let me just Sorry.
Just try I mean, those numbers are, uh, compelling.
I'll give it right back.
Sure.
No, you can keep that one.
Oh.
My God.
Come on.
She's not that bad.
She's not that bad? I have looked the fucking medusa in her face.
She's not that fucking bad.
Well, what do you care? I mean, you've got your special lady, huh? Y-your big account.
Do me a favor.
Don't call her my "special lady.
" Why? But, yeah, no, you know what? Things are going actually pretty good.
All right.
And things are going very well in the old "throw my sausage into her vagina" department.
Oh, yeah, tell me less.
I can't.
I told you everything there is.
Yeah, I know-- it was too much, it was too much.
Okay, that's my fault.
Yeah, she's kind of cute and all, if you're cool with, uh, tying yourself down.
"Tying yourself down"? Yeah.
You know, just because you fucked things up with a girl who actually wanted to marry you and-- even more shocking-- was willing to have sex with you doesn't mean I should send Marissa packing.
Do you remember when you were single and Doug the gugg was your wingman and the two of us got Doug the Gugg was never my wingman.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
Don't.
Don't, pl Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
There's the puss 'n goots.
I don't want to talk to puss 'n goots.
No, he doesn't hunt alone.
Nuh-uh.
He's looking for Claude Oberholt.
Where is he? Claude Oberholt.
Yes.
And he's talking abo5t his right paw man looking for little chicks to hunt and kill.
What? Is this ally you, pussy 'n goots? Going around look for pussy.
We're gonna look for some shit.
What do you do when you see a big pussy? What do you do when you see a big dick? What do you do when you see a pussy? Oh, yeah, there it is.
It's ol' cats.
He's back, baby.
He's back.
What-what would you do if Lukas frye was around? This is puss 'n goots, man.
Lukas frye don't scare puss 'n goots.
Uh-uh.
He can kiss my rum tum tugger ass.
He can? Just like that? Puss 'n goots only cares about pussy, not pussies, like Lukas frye.
Boo! Huh? God! Hey, man.
Uh, I'm sorry.
You This is what we pay you to do? You should see your face.
You're lucky I got a sense of humor.
I pegged you for a cats fan.
Am-am I right? So, I was I was, um, uh, rum tug tugger.
Mm.
And he was a character based on Mick Jagger.
Jesus Christ.
Do you have any idea how much you're digging your own grave? I do, yeah.
So go get Marty.
Yes.
Okay, okay.
All right, hold up, man.
Now don't go.
I'll be back.
Stay right there.
Nobody move.
Uh, Lukas.
Hold on.
Um, Lukas? Lukas, Lukas, ah, let me explain.
Hold on.
Hold on.
The fuck? Will, handle this, please.
Copy that.
I'm more of mungojerrie or rumpleteazer man myself.
What did I tell you? You get that? You get that? What is this? Quite a little show you brought in here today.
You forget we had a meeting on the books today? No, I-I didn't forget.
I just figured you'd be back at Dollahyde, you know, holding your company hostage, bleeding it dry.
Mm.
One of the few things I like about you, Marty-- you have a sense of humor.
Oh, you got a sense of humor, too.
I mean, you took time out of your busy day to come all the way down here and just shit all over my company.
You are mighty angry for a super-white black dude.
You know that? But to answer your question, it's because I'm paying for all this.
I figure we'd keep the meeting today, and I can introduce you to my documentarist, Shane Boorstein.
Oh, that's great.
Shake-cam, and All right.
Hey, man, we are gonna win the shit out of Sundance with this shit, man.
Congratulations in advance.
Oh, this is fucking awesome.
Marty, shawty, see this? This whole world you got here with this shit-- this is bullshit.
It is fictitious, it lacks substance.
It's not real.
It's not me.
You getting all this? I mean, Jesus Christ, Denzel, go.
I know dre is in China grinding on zhang for the money.
Fish much? My shit goes deep throat, Marty Kaan.
Just try to assume that I know everything.
But relax.
Y'all are still repping Dollahyde, correct? Yeah, that's correct.
So, why is it that you meet with dre, you conspire with dre, you hold hands and skip around in his wine cellar together, but you don't know who we are? I know who you are.
How? From growing up on the mean streets of hancock park? That how you know? Your little boyfriend is out of the country, so let's take this as an opportunity to show you where it get real.
See what I'm doing with my people in my hood.
Bring your Armani asses to Compton, we'll settle this shit once and for all in my house.
Um, but your house is in Beverly hills.
Man, shut the fuck up, Doug! Hey, man, cut that part out, man.
Since the idea of coming to Compton got your ass all shook up, man No, no, no, Lukas, we would love to see what you are up to in the neighborhood.
We-we would? Yes, we would.
Would we? Let's-let's go.
Let's go.
Right now? Well, I'm gonna text you the address on mapquest.
Have fun.
Let's go, Doug.
Goddamn it.
Hey.
What the fuck is that stuff from you? I guess I'm gonna have to get a tattoo Oh, my God.
Wow.
This is fucking awesome.
Uh, you know what? I'm just gonna go ahead and shoot myself, save someone the trouble.
Or I can shoot you.
I mean, it's been on my bucket list forever.
I just want to kill you.
Yeah, this isn't cool.
Guys, just relax, okay? This is all a part of Lukas's passion play.
He wants to put us in danger, then he gets to come save us.
Okay, or he won't, and we'll all die out here.
Shut up, Doug.
Shit.
Get down! It's a Mercedes, you idiot.
See y'all finally made it.
You see right here? This where I met dre.
Ten years old, already corner boys.
Alright, man, first of many things to see.
Let's go.
You're not gonna kill us in here, are you? Nah.
I don't want to mess up my seats.
See, I brought you here 'cause I wanted to show you motherfuckers what's real to me.
And this is it.
Compton.
All the rest of the bullshit, man-- it's just an illusion.
Just like a shot of heroin, you know? Makes your world all pretty, make you feel much better for a minute.
Then, after that, goes away.
It's over with; Dissipates.
You're back to your reality.
You lose sight of that, you lose everything.
Yeah.
This is where we from.
Alright, man, let's go.
This is it.
It's where I'm from.
It's where your new BFF is from, too, Marty.
Whether he chooses to acknowledge it or not.
This is where it began.
And this is where it should end.
In here, we have the largest hip-hop clothing manufacturing plant in the United States.
Well, that is, up until about seven years ago, when dre just up and decided he wanted to move all of our production overseas and shit.
I still keep a few hundred people on payroll, man.
You know what I'm saying? Just to make sure they can have jobs and health care and whatnot.
Fill a few orders every now and again.
I got to.
If not me, who else gonna do it? Why would I want to do some shit like that when I could just sell for $50 million and run off to Barney's? Hey, man, what's going on? He's amazing.
What, does this guy feed and clothe the hungry? Yeah, and heal the sick.
This is a financial sinkhole, man.
Doug, is this place for real? Uh, yeah.
It's on the Dollahyde books.
Hey, well, hey, man, I got to run, man.
Them dollars ain't gonna hop in my pocket.
Y'all take it light.
Another thing.
Do you know that dre's motherfucking ass has not been to this place since we moved production? Not once.
What kind of guy would do a thing like that to all these people? In his defense, he's probably just busy, off in China trying to save his ass from Mr.
zhang and shit, right? You keep saying that fucking name.
I what are you talking about? That sense of humor gig.
Come on, everybody get in the car, man.
Come on, man.
Get in, get in.
Come one, come all, man.
I'm a consultant, as well, so, any bullshit that you feed me, I've already fed to someone else.
I know what you're going to say before it even comes out of your lie-holes.
Does that make sense? You got it, Monica.
We'll start grinding on these models.
Great.
And certainly Jeffrey and I can start with a white paper and just brain-dump What did I just say? Bullshit.
Bullshit.
That was bullshit.
Good boy.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Can I talk to you for a second? I think she is nice.
Big bank broke and a few on me man, a nigga won't cut no fool on me if you don't know, bitch, you don't see what the fuck wrong with you, homie? don't act like that, don't you know me? how about that exit And hey, hey, that's bludso's right there, man.
That's where we came up with the name Dollahyde.
Yeah.
There was this guy, man.
His name was Douglas Dollahyde.
He became the first black mayor of Compton.
So we get to printing up our little logos on the t-shirts and shit, start selling 'em out the trunk of my car right there in the front.
All of 'em smelled like barbecue.
Uh-oh.
That probably why we couldn't print enough of them motherfuckers.
It's the one where you catch it, just you and the lord life in the prison, you tellin' your boy hell if you tellin', they're tellin' my boys This corner right there.
Ooh, I was walking with the homies, man.
I think it was, uh, me, dre and-and Ronnie, and Ronnie's going on about how one day, the clippers are gonna be a great team.
This nigger was funny as shit, man.
I'm talking, fuck-Richard-pryor funny, man.
Way, way out in the distance, we hear, "pah!" Ronnie dropped to the ground.
I look at him, and I say, "man, look at you.
You just spilled soda all over yourself trying to motherfucking get a laugh.
" Man, and then, we turned around again, and seen Ronnie wasn't getting up.
Ronnie had been shot.
In the hood, it's as simple as, one minute you talking to your friend, and then, the next minute, all the jokes stop forever.
Alright, man.
We here.
Where is "here?" Come on.
Stick close to me, try not to get shot.
What's up, G? Hey, they with me.
One and all, please, this way.
Last but not least on our trip down memory Lane.
What's happening, guy? It bring me a great honor and pleasure to introduce you to Ronjon's lounge.
Now, for our first couple years, this Thing of beauty that you see before you right now was the Dollahyde office.
It's amazing.
- It's nice.
- It's where it all began.
Can we get the fuck out of here, please? Real can get real scary for you when you, you know, had those bougie academics for parents, Marty.
Well, an orthopedist and a teacher.
I'm scared, too.
No, real is when you're not full of shit.
Okay? Whatever theatrical this is, it's over.
We're done.
Uh, no, let's just finish, please, go.
What we came here to do.
You are an intelligent man, Lukas.
Tell us what the play is here? You've been dancing around it all day, man.
Just tell us what the fuck is going on.
That is the sound of my heart breaking.
Here I am, trying to Bond, trying to share, being sincere.
Well, I tell you what.
You may as well pull up a seat and have a drink.
Get you some popcorn.
Because this movie of mine is about to reach the motherfucking climax.
Come on, man.
Round of hennessy for everybody.
No cups, out the bottle.
Like the old times.
Oh, no, no, no.
We're civilized.
I'll just get a pimm's and soda.
Uh, I mean, you're buying, right? I'm asking.
Oh, you're so gonna die.
No, you're gonna die.
What do you care if I'm a guy or a girl, douche bag? You're probably some old pervert, anyway.
Do they have any idea we're even here? Oh, no.
Total immersion.
Yeah! Smoked your ass, pervert.
So you want to check out that whole 818 thing tonight? Um, let me think.
No.
Sounds pretty cool, actually.
Well, yeah, if you're into that drama geek shit.
Honey, I'll be right back.
Hmm? Hmm? Yeah.
I'll drive you, you can uber back.
I didn't even say we were going.
Yeah, I know you didn't.
I did.
Huh? Come on.
Awesome.
Thanks, grandpa.
Let's go, y'all, back this way.
Hey, walk, y'all.
Shit.
You know, I figured you all wanted to meet Mr.
zhang, since he'll be such a big part of your lives and all, so I took the liberty of digging us a hole in the back.
We're gonna go to China.
Hey, make sure the cameras and shit get in here, too.
The fuck you doing here? What the fuck? You know, you are one low-down piece of shit.
Excuse me, I'm being rude, I'm sorry.
Ladies, gentlemen Mr.
zhang.
Wait a minute, so, so this guy's Chinese on his mother's side? Marty, listen.
Marty, this here's lovey.
Lovey is the man in the hood you come to when you need money.
Lukas, why don't you and your bitch-ass lawyers Get the fuck out of here so I can finish up my business.
I'm sorry, OG, excuse me, but I can't do that, please forgive me.
Let's keep this rolling.
And keep it real.
Whoa, what the fuck is all this? What's going on with these cameras? Get that fucking camera out my face.
Dre Call when you get this shit settled, alright? Let's go! Lovey.
Come on, man.
Look, I'm-a call you a little bit later, all right? This is just some bullshit.
You got to be kidding me.
It's unbelievable.
That's what I'm saying.
What the fuck did we talk about? You just made it dirtier.
What you talking about? I expect this dude to be a clown.
Get that fucking camera out of here.
You come down to the gutter to get the money? You're supposed to be in China right now.
And what was you gonna do about it? I came to you, you said all of your resources are exhausted, right? Dre, you just made it worse.
So I got to get it the way What the fuck care for, anyway? You just made it worse.
Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
Come on, man.
Oh, this your first fight.
I feel personally responsible, I'm sorry.
If it's any consolation to you, Marty, dig it.
Never gonna sell.
Under no circumstances.
Ever.
Okay? I just wanted to see my guy run around the hood begging for money like a little junkie.
And to see Marty Kaan scrambling to save his assimilated black ass.
- Priceless.
- Well There's no fucking way you guys make it to an ipo now.
There's no way you can go public with either one of you being the face of the company.
Yeah, now you're stuck with each other.
This is gonna be fine, all right? We've had CEOs who hate each other more than you two.
This is the worst-- fuck it, this is the absolute worst.
But we can make it work because you don't have any other choice.
Making it work Not a problem for me.
So, Andre here, we got to worry about.
No.
You ain't got to worry about Andre.
It is what it is, right? We'll get it done.
But I know one thing's for sure, we not gonna be the Blood brothers on the corners that we once were.
We damn sure ain't brothers no more.
I told you there was a method to my madness, now, see? Yeah, it was amazing.
Thank you.
That the end of the excursion? That was pretty much my finale.
Okay, fantastic.
Great, great.
You got us, Martin scorsese.
We got punk'd! Okay? Now cut the thing off.
No, no, no, no, no, no, continue to roll.
We need b-roll.
No, it's-it's not cute.
No.
It's not cute, exactly.
Stop.
Stop tou stop touching the camera.
No, no, continue to roll.
Turn this fucking Shut it off.
Ow! Fuck! My face! Hey, hey.
This is gold.
Keep rolling.
Marty! Find his weak spot.
I got to get get Give it to him.
Give it to me.
Turn it off.
Get the fucking camera.
Son of a bitch.
Look into the fucking camera.
Damn it.
Hurry! Fuck off.
Turn that mother left.
To the left.
Turn that fucking thing off! ow come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut I've been watchin' you, watchin' you you lookin' good, you lookin' good come here lemme whisper in your ear whisper, whisper in your ear ow when ya hear this shit, turn up ya radio, radio I can do this very fast or very slow now get on ya mark, get set, get ready go maybe you could get with me, ya never know, never know Pretty sick, right? Yeah, amazing.
Naughty but innocent Can't believe how good they even are.
I could put that stick shift on ya a lil' bit You're good enough to do this.
Bullshit.
What's he gonna krump about? His "bwoken" home? You get up there, you're gonna be just another biter.
I'm not a biter.
I have my own moves.
All right.
What do you all think? Rich little 14-year-old over here thinks he got the moves.
Biter? Biter.
I don't see you up there, Lex.
Go fuck yourself, jazz hands.
You know what? I want to go.
What? I said I'm going.
Come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut Hey, Marty.
Hey, Chantelle.
Where's pop? Oh, he went to sleep a little while ago.
Insert age-difference joke here.
No, I'm good.
I'll I'll get you later.
You want some? No.
Are you okay? Seem a little shook up.
Oh, I won't shrink you, I promise.
It's just been a rough day.
Well, you should probably know that Roscoe went out with Lex tonight.
Fuckin' perfect.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I think your dad's plan is to let him play it out on his own.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no.
Come here, man.
Come here.
Listen, I don't care what your grandpa said, all right? When I tell you to do something, you Just take it steady like I said it did Just take it steady like I said it did just take it steady like I said it did just take it steady like I said it did dup, dup, dup, dup ooh-ooh, ah-ah dup, dup
- Why are you taking fashion advice - from boys don't cry in there? - Dad, I think that he is the first person who's ever really gotten me.
Which one of you stole my fucking drugs? Nobody stole your fucking drugs.
Okay? I'm out.
Have a good life.
You're mine forever.
They think they can just get rid of me? I was the linchpin behind - that shit show.
- Whoa, whoa.
- She got fired.
- Our guys are looking to trade their hard-earned edibility for a big ol' payday.
Little wrinkle here: They started on a street corner.
Drug dealers.
Lukas is all, "Dollahyde my baby.
" I want him out.
Lukas knows dre is trying to push him out of the company.
If we're gonna make a move to win him over, Marty, we gotta do it now.
Call Marty.
Tell him that You'll sign away Dollahyde but only under the follow condition.
Lukas is going to be asking for $150 million.
Lukas is gone as soon as he gets the cash.
Cash that dre doesn't have.
Then I guess you're Lukas's bitch.
Continue to roll.
We need b-roll.
Lukas, it's not cute.
No.
It's not cute.
Exactly.
Stop.
No, no, no.
Continue to roll.
- Turn this - Shut it off.
Hey.
This is gold.
Keep rolling.
Goddamn it.
Turn this fucking thing off! Wait.
So what are you saying, Marty? I'm saying that many places-- well, how 'bout just every fucking bank in the world-- does not want to make this loan with your boy Lukas.
He's had fucking felonies, man.
His drug ties, his goddamn gun-running.
Right.
But what about your client, uh, uh, U.
S.
national? You told me you had 'em all in your pocket.
Yeah, well, uh Turns out this deal is way too black for them.
That motherfucker has poisoned the whole goddamn universe against Dollahyde.
Listen, the universe is huge, okay? We just need to find some High-net-worth, non-risk-averse players.
You know, I didn't want to have to make this play, but I've been thinking on it.
I got the guy.
Zhang.
Zhang? Zhang.
He don't sound like a local.
Not exactly.
He's out of guanzhou.
Oh, great.
Right back to fucking China.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is a solo trip.
Zhang, he doesn't dig strangers, so I'm going in alone.
He's offered to be a silent partner, he's offered loans, manufacturing partnerships-- the man knows we're sitting on a gold mine with Dollahyde.
You really think he can get this money? I mean the whole nut.
I think, if I go to him And kiss his ass just right, I can get this goddamn money, even if I'm not Thrilled about his terms.
Well, smooch, smooch.
Yeah.
I'll get on a plane today.
In the meantime, why don't you grab a driver out of that bag and I can show you how to hit a real golf ball.
Oh.
All right, grandpa.
I'm here.
Huh? Oh, my God, look What? What? Oh, oh.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm cool, I'm cool.
Yeah.
Bye.
Take care, man.
I'll see you.
Bye, Chantelle.
Hey, gramps.
What it is? Well, hey, Lex.
Beautiful day, huh? Hadn't noticed.
Hey, Roscoe.
"Hey, Roscoe.
" Hey, Lex.
Hey, Coltrane.
So, they're, uh they're doing the 818 again tonight, that krumping thing in the valley I was telling you about.
It's pretty sick.
You should come by.
You could throw down some moves if you want.
Yeah sounds super edgy, jazz hands.
Wouldn't miss it.
I was talking to Roscoe, Lex.
Yeah, Coltrane, yeah, we'll come down.
We'll check it out.
I'm gonna wear my clown makeup.
It's not like that.
It's just It's labbing, trying new stuff, throwing down.
'Cause you two have something to krump about? Whatever.
See you, Roscoe.
See you, Coltrane.
See you, Roscoe.
I am so glad I'm not 14 anymore.
You're close, though.
Oh, you did come on! You're on my side, man! Ms.
Talbot.
Ms.
Talbot! Hi! Hello? Excuse me.
Um Hey, where the fuck is Marty and why have I been waiting for ten minutes? Hi, Ms.
Talbot.
You're adorable.
Oh.
Thank you.
Now, where the fuck is Marty? As a top-tier consultant, you know all about putting out fires at the high level.
This morning, Marty had a five-alarm predawn fire.
And he is just finishing that up right now, and he should be back any minute.
I'm sorry, who are you? I'm Caitlin Hobart.
I'm one of the junior analysts here at Kaan and associates.
I don't care if you're bouncing up and down on Marty's cock.
I want to know why he's not here right now.
I am paying full freight for Kaan and associates for this consult.
Not associates, Kaan and associates.
Certainly not junior fucking associates.
Right.
Understandable.
Um so, I thought that you and I could just start by just chunking out a journey line and Look into my eyes.
Uh-huh.
What do you see? I see You see a woman who was stabbed by her junior analyst.
You see a woman who will never be stabbed again.
Do you know why? I'm so sorry.
: Because I will stab first.
What'd I miss? Well, hey, Tiger Woods.
What's up? Was it a golf fire? Come on.
Oh, keep walking, coward.
Hey, mon? You're on the clock, so, uh What do you got? This right here is gonna make me fucking rich.
Is it full of magic beans? No.
It's full of Won.
W-o-n.
Stands for "wholesome organic nutrition.
" Or Like Monica just won the lottery.
Or Monica just won a $20 million payday.
But also like it is the one, the only thing you ever have to eat or drink for the rest of your fucking days.
And since you no longer have to cook or eat, you are free to spend more time blogging about your Meaningless life.
That's a great pitch.
Mm-hmm, insofar as it sounds like, well, every other protein powder on the market, I think.
Yeah.
As far as I can tell, it is.
But it doesn't matter because the fucking millennials are gobbling this shit up.
Oh, but millennials don't gobble anything up.
Hmm.
Well, maybe we should just take a look at this shit.
No.
Bam.
There's no way that This looks like gobblivg to me.
Hallelujah.
I have achieved wood.
Oh, my God, he's not kidding.
Monica, did you make these numbers up? I mean, does anything up there even resemble reality? Oh, this is vetted.
This is so vetted I have deferred my normal fee, and I am taking some massive stock options.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, kiddies, can you please tell Monica the number one rule in consulting? No freebies.
No freebies.
No inappropriate touching.
No freebies.
No freebies.
I'm the big-dicked bitch that made up the rules, Marty, and I am telling you this is a grand slam.
I just need your team to get me to that ipo and Let me just Sorry.
Just try I mean, those numbers are, uh, compelling.
I'll give it right back.
Sure.
No, you can keep that one.
Oh.
My God.
Come on.
She's not that bad.
She's not that bad? I have looked the fucking medusa in her face.
She's not that fucking bad.
Well, what do you care? I mean, you've got your special lady, huh? Y-your big account.
Do me a favor.
Don't call her my "special lady.
" Why? But, yeah, no, you know what? Things are going actually pretty good.
All right.
And things are going very well in the old "throw my sausage into her vagina" department.
Oh, yeah, tell me less.
I can't.
I told you everything there is.
Yeah, I know-- it was too much, it was too much.
Okay, that's my fault.
Yeah, she's kind of cute and all, if you're cool with, uh, tying yourself down.
"Tying yourself down"? Yeah.
You know, just because you fucked things up with a girl who actually wanted to marry you and-- even more shocking-- was willing to have sex with you doesn't mean I should send Marissa packing.
Do you remember when you were single and Doug the gugg was your wingman and the two of us got Doug the Gugg was never my wingman.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
Don't.
Don't, pl Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
There's the puss 'n goots.
I don't want to talk to puss 'n goots.
No, he doesn't hunt alone.
Nuh-uh.
He's looking for Claude Oberholt.
Where is he? Claude Oberholt.
Yes.
And he's talking abo5t his right paw man looking for little chicks to hunt and kill.
What? Is this ally you, pussy 'n goots? Going around look for pussy.
We're gonna look for some shit.
What do you do when you see a big pussy? What do you do when you see a big dick? What do you do when you see a pussy? Oh, yeah, there it is.
It's ol' cats.
He's back, baby.
He's back.
What-what would you do if Lukas frye was around? This is puss 'n goots, man.
Lukas frye don't scare puss 'n goots.
Uh-uh.
He can kiss my rum tum tugger ass.
He can? Just like that? Puss 'n goots only cares about pussy, not pussies, like Lukas frye.
Boo! Huh? God! Hey, man.
Uh, I'm sorry.
You This is what we pay you to do? You should see your face.
You're lucky I got a sense of humor.
I pegged you for a cats fan.
Am-am I right? So, I was I was, um, uh, rum tug tugger.
Mm.
And he was a character based on Mick Jagger.
Jesus Christ.
Do you have any idea how much you're digging your own grave? I do, yeah.
So go get Marty.
Yes.
Okay, okay.
All right, hold up, man.
Now don't go.
I'll be back.
Stay right there.
Nobody move.
Uh, Lukas.
Hold on.
Um, Lukas? Lukas, Lukas, ah, let me explain.
Hold on.
Hold on.
The fuck? Will, handle this, please.
Copy that.
I'm more of mungojerrie or rumpleteazer man myself.
What did I tell you? You get that? You get that? What is this? Quite a little show you brought in here today.
You forget we had a meeting on the books today? No, I-I didn't forget.
I just figured you'd be back at Dollahyde, you know, holding your company hostage, bleeding it dry.
Mm.
One of the few things I like about you, Marty-- you have a sense of humor.
Oh, you got a sense of humor, too.
I mean, you took time out of your busy day to come all the way down here and just shit all over my company.
You are mighty angry for a super-white black dude.
You know that? But to answer your question, it's because I'm paying for all this.
I figure we'd keep the meeting today, and I can introduce you to my documentarist, Shane Boorstein.
Oh, that's great.
Shake-cam, and All right.
Hey, man, we are gonna win the shit out of Sundance with this shit, man.
Congratulations in advance.
Oh, this is fucking awesome.
Marty, shawty, see this? This whole world you got here with this shit-- this is bullshit.
It is fictitious, it lacks substance.
It's not real.
It's not me.
You getting all this? I mean, Jesus Christ, Denzel, go.
I know dre is in China grinding on zhang for the money.
Fish much? My shit goes deep throat, Marty Kaan.
Just try to assume that I know everything.
But relax.
Y'all are still repping Dollahyde, correct? Yeah, that's correct.
So, why is it that you meet with dre, you conspire with dre, you hold hands and skip around in his wine cellar together, but you don't know who we are? I know who you are.
How? From growing up on the mean streets of hancock park? That how you know? Your little boyfriend is out of the country, so let's take this as an opportunity to show you where it get real.
See what I'm doing with my people in my hood.
Bring your Armani asses to Compton, we'll settle this shit once and for all in my house.
Um, but your house is in Beverly hills.
Man, shut the fuck up, Doug! Hey, man, cut that part out, man.
Since the idea of coming to Compton got your ass all shook up, man No, no, no, Lukas, we would love to see what you are up to in the neighborhood.
We-we would? Yes, we would.
Would we? Let's-let's go.
Let's go.
Right now? Well, I'm gonna text you the address on mapquest.
Have fun.
Let's go, Doug.
Goddamn it.
Hey.
What the fuck is that stuff from you? I guess I'm gonna have to get a tattoo Oh, my God.
Wow.
This is fucking awesome.
Uh, you know what? I'm just gonna go ahead and shoot myself, save someone the trouble.
Or I can shoot you.
I mean, it's been on my bucket list forever.
I just want to kill you.
Yeah, this isn't cool.
Guys, just relax, okay? This is all a part of Lukas's passion play.
He wants to put us in danger, then he gets to come save us.
Okay, or he won't, and we'll all die out here.
Shut up, Doug.
Shit.
Get down! It's a Mercedes, you idiot.
See y'all finally made it.
You see right here? This where I met dre.
Ten years old, already corner boys.
Alright, man, first of many things to see.
Let's go.
You're not gonna kill us in here, are you? Nah.
I don't want to mess up my seats.
See, I brought you here 'cause I wanted to show you motherfuckers what's real to me.
And this is it.
Compton.
All the rest of the bullshit, man-- it's just an illusion.
Just like a shot of heroin, you know? Makes your world all pretty, make you feel much better for a minute.
Then, after that, goes away.
It's over with; Dissipates.
You're back to your reality.
You lose sight of that, you lose everything.
Yeah.
This is where we from.
Alright, man, let's go.
This is it.
It's where I'm from.
It's where your new BFF is from, too, Marty.
Whether he chooses to acknowledge it or not.
This is where it began.
And this is where it should end.
In here, we have the largest hip-hop clothing manufacturing plant in the United States.
Well, that is, up until about seven years ago, when dre just up and decided he wanted to move all of our production overseas and shit.
I still keep a few hundred people on payroll, man.
You know what I'm saying? Just to make sure they can have jobs and health care and whatnot.
Fill a few orders every now and again.
I got to.
If not me, who else gonna do it? Why would I want to do some shit like that when I could just sell for $50 million and run off to Barney's? Hey, man, what's going on? He's amazing.
What, does this guy feed and clothe the hungry? Yeah, and heal the sick.
This is a financial sinkhole, man.
Doug, is this place for real? Uh, yeah.
It's on the Dollahyde books.
Hey, well, hey, man, I got to run, man.
Them dollars ain't gonna hop in my pocket.
Y'all take it light.
Another thing.
Do you know that dre's motherfucking ass has not been to this place since we moved production? Not once.
What kind of guy would do a thing like that to all these people? In his defense, he's probably just busy, off in China trying to save his ass from Mr.
zhang and shit, right? You keep saying that fucking name.
I what are you talking about? That sense of humor gig.
Come on, everybody get in the car, man.
Come on, man.
Get in, get in.
Come one, come all, man.
I'm a consultant, as well, so, any bullshit that you feed me, I've already fed to someone else.
I know what you're going to say before it even comes out of your lie-holes.
Does that make sense? You got it, Monica.
We'll start grinding on these models.
Great.
And certainly Jeffrey and I can start with a white paper and just brain-dump What did I just say? Bullshit.
Bullshit.
That was bullshit.
Good boy.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Can I talk to you for a second? I think she is nice.
Big bank broke and a few on me man, a nigga won't cut no fool on me if you don't know, bitch, you don't see what the fuck wrong with you, homie? don't act like that, don't you know me? how about that exit And hey, hey, that's bludso's right there, man.
That's where we came up with the name Dollahyde.
Yeah.
There was this guy, man.
His name was Douglas Dollahyde.
He became the first black mayor of Compton.
So we get to printing up our little logos on the t-shirts and shit, start selling 'em out the trunk of my car right there in the front.
All of 'em smelled like barbecue.
Uh-oh.
That probably why we couldn't print enough of them motherfuckers.
It's the one where you catch it, just you and the lord life in the prison, you tellin' your boy hell if you tellin', they're tellin' my boys This corner right there.
Ooh, I was walking with the homies, man.
I think it was, uh, me, dre and-and Ronnie, and Ronnie's going on about how one day, the clippers are gonna be a great team.
This nigger was funny as shit, man.
I'm talking, fuck-Richard-pryor funny, man.
Way, way out in the distance, we hear, "pah!" Ronnie dropped to the ground.
I look at him, and I say, "man, look at you.
You just spilled soda all over yourself trying to motherfucking get a laugh.
" Man, and then, we turned around again, and seen Ronnie wasn't getting up.
Ronnie had been shot.
In the hood, it's as simple as, one minute you talking to your friend, and then, the next minute, all the jokes stop forever.
Alright, man.
We here.
Where is "here?" Come on.
Stick close to me, try not to get shot.
What's up, G? Hey, they with me.
One and all, please, this way.
Last but not least on our trip down memory Lane.
What's happening, guy? It bring me a great honor and pleasure to introduce you to Ronjon's lounge.
Now, for our first couple years, this Thing of beauty that you see before you right now was the Dollahyde office.
It's amazing.
- It's nice.
- It's where it all began.
Can we get the fuck out of here, please? Real can get real scary for you when you, you know, had those bougie academics for parents, Marty.
Well, an orthopedist and a teacher.
I'm scared, too.
No, real is when you're not full of shit.
Okay? Whatever theatrical this is, it's over.
We're done.
Uh, no, let's just finish, please, go.
What we came here to do.
You are an intelligent man, Lukas.
Tell us what the play is here? You've been dancing around it all day, man.
Just tell us what the fuck is going on.
That is the sound of my heart breaking.
Here I am, trying to Bond, trying to share, being sincere.
Well, I tell you what.
You may as well pull up a seat and have a drink.
Get you some popcorn.
Because this movie of mine is about to reach the motherfucking climax.
Come on, man.
Round of hennessy for everybody.
No cups, out the bottle.
Like the old times.
Oh, no, no, no.
We're civilized.
I'll just get a pimm's and soda.
Uh, I mean, you're buying, right? I'm asking.
Oh, you're so gonna die.
No, you're gonna die.
What do you care if I'm a guy or a girl, douche bag? You're probably some old pervert, anyway.
Do they have any idea we're even here? Oh, no.
Total immersion.
Yeah! Smoked your ass, pervert.
So you want to check out that whole 818 thing tonight? Um, let me think.
No.
Sounds pretty cool, actually.
Well, yeah, if you're into that drama geek shit.
Honey, I'll be right back.
Hmm? Hmm? Yeah.
I'll drive you, you can uber back.
I didn't even say we were going.
Yeah, I know you didn't.
I did.
Huh? Come on.
Awesome.
Thanks, grandpa.
Let's go, y'all, back this way.
Hey, walk, y'all.
Shit.
You know, I figured you all wanted to meet Mr.
zhang, since he'll be such a big part of your lives and all, so I took the liberty of digging us a hole in the back.
We're gonna go to China.
Hey, make sure the cameras and shit get in here, too.
The fuck you doing here? What the fuck? You know, you are one low-down piece of shit.
Excuse me, I'm being rude, I'm sorry.
Ladies, gentlemen Mr.
zhang.
Wait a minute, so, so this guy's Chinese on his mother's side? Marty, listen.
Marty, this here's lovey.
Lovey is the man in the hood you come to when you need money.
Lukas, why don't you and your bitch-ass lawyers Get the fuck out of here so I can finish up my business.
I'm sorry, OG, excuse me, but I can't do that, please forgive me.
Let's keep this rolling.
And keep it real.
Whoa, what the fuck is all this? What's going on with these cameras? Get that fucking camera out my face.
Dre Call when you get this shit settled, alright? Let's go! Lovey.
Come on, man.
Look, I'm-a call you a little bit later, all right? This is just some bullshit.
You got to be kidding me.
It's unbelievable.
That's what I'm saying.
What the fuck did we talk about? You just made it dirtier.
What you talking about? I expect this dude to be a clown.
Get that fucking camera out of here.
You come down to the gutter to get the money? You're supposed to be in China right now.
And what was you gonna do about it? I came to you, you said all of your resources are exhausted, right? Dre, you just made it worse.
So I got to get it the way What the fuck care for, anyway? You just made it worse.
Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
Come on, man.
Oh, this your first fight.
I feel personally responsible, I'm sorry.
If it's any consolation to you, Marty, dig it.
Never gonna sell.
Under no circumstances.
Ever.
Okay? I just wanted to see my guy run around the hood begging for money like a little junkie.
And to see Marty Kaan scrambling to save his assimilated black ass.
- Priceless.
- Well There's no fucking way you guys make it to an ipo now.
There's no way you can go public with either one of you being the face of the company.
Yeah, now you're stuck with each other.
This is gonna be fine, all right? We've had CEOs who hate each other more than you two.
This is the worst-- fuck it, this is the absolute worst.
But we can make it work because you don't have any other choice.
Making it work Not a problem for me.
So, Andre here, we got to worry about.
No.
You ain't got to worry about Andre.
It is what it is, right? We'll get it done.
But I know one thing's for sure, we not gonna be the Blood brothers on the corners that we once were.
We damn sure ain't brothers no more.
I told you there was a method to my madness, now, see? Yeah, it was amazing.
Thank you.
That the end of the excursion? That was pretty much my finale.
Okay, fantastic.
Great, great.
You got us, Martin scorsese.
We got punk'd! Okay? Now cut the thing off.
No, no, no, no, no, no, continue to roll.
We need b-roll.
No, it's-it's not cute.
No.
It's not cute, exactly.
Stop.
Stop tou stop touching the camera.
No, no, continue to roll.
Turn this fucking Shut it off.
Ow! Fuck! My face! Hey, hey.
This is gold.
Keep rolling.
Marty! Find his weak spot.
I got to get get Give it to him.
Give it to me.
Turn it off.
Get the fucking camera.
Son of a bitch.
Look into the fucking camera.
Damn it.
Hurry! Fuck off.
Turn that mother left.
To the left.
Turn that fucking thing off! ow come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut I've been watchin' you, watchin' you you lookin' good, you lookin' good come here lemme whisper in your ear whisper, whisper in your ear ow when ya hear this shit, turn up ya radio, radio I can do this very fast or very slow now get on ya mark, get set, get ready go maybe you could get with me, ya never know, never know Pretty sick, right? Yeah, amazing.
Naughty but innocent Can't believe how good they even are.
I could put that stick shift on ya a lil' bit You're good enough to do this.
Bullshit.
What's he gonna krump about? His "bwoken" home? You get up there, you're gonna be just another biter.
I'm not a biter.
I have my own moves.
All right.
What do you all think? Rich little 14-year-old over here thinks he got the moves.
Biter? Biter.
I don't see you up there, Lex.
Go fuck yourself, jazz hands.
You know what? I want to go.
What? I said I'm going.
Come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut come here, girl let's cut Hey, Marty.
Hey, Chantelle.
Where's pop? Oh, he went to sleep a little while ago.
Insert age-difference joke here.
No, I'm good.
I'll I'll get you later.
You want some? No.
Are you okay? Seem a little shook up.
Oh, I won't shrink you, I promise.
It's just been a rough day.
Well, you should probably know that Roscoe went out with Lex tonight.
Fuckin' perfect.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I think your dad's plan is to let him play it out on his own.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no.
Come here, man.
Come here.
Listen, I don't care what your grandpa said, all right? When I tell you to do something, you Just take it steady like I said it did Just take it steady like I said it did just take it steady like I said it did just take it steady like I said it did dup, dup, dup, dup ooh-ooh, ah-ah dup, dup