House of Lies s04e01 Episode Script

My name is Marty Kaan, and I'm a management consultant.
We need to get them on the tit.
That's what we do.
Suck, motherfucker, suck.
We share a little Intel, - play both companies against the middle.
- So illegal.
Not the way we're gonna do it.
Hey, Chantelle.
What in the? Grandpa's new friend.
I want to do something really fucking stupid.
I love you.
Who the fuck let the feds in on this thing in the first place? I told her about the books.
- Why? - Because I wanted the DOJ gig.
Jeannie, you're in the clear.
They're letting you skate.
I guess I taught you well, huh, Jeannie? You out-martied Marty Kaan.
Marty, I never meant to All I want Is what? You.
I'm done with this bullshit.
Fuck it.
So, the whole enlightenment thing wasn't for me.
At least not in the traditional sense.
Some people believe in the Dharma of non-attachment.
Some people believe in the Dharma of loving kindness.
Uh But I've come to realize that I believe in the Dharma of search and destroy.
I believe in the Dharma of take no prisoners.
I believe in the Dharma of kicking ass.
And yet, at the end of the day, reality wins.
Okay, listen, we're just gonna show up, pay our respects.
No big deal.
Just Let's be there to keep the vultures away.
Claim our guy.
And we know for a fact he's coming? That is the word on the street.
Look, I bought a card.
From all of us.
"Sorry for your loss," et cetera.
Uh, problem is I think that the prose is a little florid.
Then maybe we don't do a card because it's fucking business.
- Also, no card.
Definitely no card.
- No card, Doug.
Ever.
We need to deal with this rat man situation because he he left me, like, 15 messages yesterday.
No, we have set that meeting.
He is just being incredibly needy.
Why does he only ever call Jeannie? Oh, I don't know.
Her boobs.
Mm.
Or maybe it's because I'm brilliant and capable and exude an air of quiet confidence.
No, I'm sorry.
It's because you got big old boobs.
- You sure? That's why? - Yeah.
Yes, yes, yes.
And, by the way, you have a meeting on the books.
But I think we should run a couple more models.
- Because if we show the hours.
- I agree.
We can bill for the hours.
- This guy's got a lot of money.
- Oh, of course.
And I plan to take a lot of his money.
In order for him - to make more money to pay us more money.
- Mmm.
So we can make more money.
I just love it when you talk about money.
Okay.
Let's go.
I think you're gonna regret the card.
Yo! Martin Luther Kaan! What up, my nigga?! Kelsey, hey.
I forgot to tell you.
Your tattoo artist called this morning.
He was like, "I am so sorry.
" He wants to give you all your money back.
He was actually crying on the phone.
Hey, dude.
Um, next time, just say, "I hate all women.
" "But I'm especially threatened by strong women who see how broken I am.
" Looks like someone's been reading Clyde's diary.
That would be more honest.
Um, and, my friend, a little tip, I would be nicer to them.
Really.
Because they're gonna be stupid rich - when their stupid app launches.
- The fact that we have to share a space with those douchy proto-fascist mavericks makes me want to strap a bomb to my chest.
How 'bout you just focus on getting your numbers up, okay? Then we can kick 'em out or kill 'em.
- Don't all fucking jump at once.
- Look at dum-dum.
- don't point to me, and - Pick up the phone.
don't call me dum-dum.
- I get it all the time.
You get it, Clyde.
- Fuck you! - Pick up the phone, Doug! - Excuse me.
No, you never say - what you're supposed to say anyway.
- There's no way I'm saying "Good morning.
Kaan and associates management" "and media consultants.
This is Clyde Oberholt speaking.
" - How may I direct your call?" - Why not?! That was perfect! - It works! - It's so long! Then show me! - Fine.
Fine.
Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
Here we go.
Good morning.
Kaan and associates management and media consultants.
- Yeah, nice air! - This is Doug Guggenheim speaking.
How may I direct your call? Wait.
H hello? Damn it.
Don't you guys feel like we're A group of crime fighters right now? - Oh.
Ooh, like the seven samurai.
- Not seven, obviously.
There's four of us.
We're the four samurai.
Oh, I think we must look awesome.
Just dressed in black.
I wish we could get a picture of us.
That would be disrespectful, but you know what I mean.
Maybe just a quick selfie.
Hey, we good, right, Marty? We good, we good, but we bad.
Jeannie bean, right? You fa-zeel me? Guggenheim, you have got to shut the fuck up.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Like reservoir dogs.
Yes, that's better.
Reservoir dogs.
Oh, my god, it's him.
Step out.
Your hands.
Let's keep the AC running.
See if you can find me an Espresso, okay? Hey, brother.
Look at you.
Oh, look at him.
He looks better than he did when he was alive.
Aw.
You motherless count.
Who's in the coffin? Who gives a fuck? I'll tell you who it ain't, our boy Ellis Gage hightower, CEO of Gage motors, inventor, bad boy, tax evader, godhead of electric cars.
No, as you can see, he's very much alive.
And we are desperate to close his crazy ass.
This piece of business is not just millions in the bank.
No, it's it's legitimacy.
Street cred, vindication.
Hell, it's salvation.
In other words, it's our ticket out of the shit ***.
And the loogie.
Eh, don't worry about that.
It's nothing personal.
He'd unload that thing on any member of his board of directors.
You know why? Because they don't understand his genius.
Wah.
Don't you hate that? When they don't understand your genius? Bruce.
You guys know Bruce Karp, my number two.
Hey, buddy.
You look good.
You lost weight.
No, I didn't.
No, I guess not.
So, the rollout structure on the new product, it cost me a lot to get that Fedex'd from prison, and You know what I was just thinking Excuse me.
I haven't heard from you.
Yeah, that's right.
Because it was all about you.
The whole thing.
What? When have I ever put myself ahead of the work? Ever since you started reading your own press.
And campaigning for the nobel prize.
The whole thing is about positioning the release of the Phoenix with your prison release.
What about the integrity of our product? - I am the product.
I am the brand.
- Oh, you're the product.
You're the brand.
How's your new house in Brentwood, you fat fuck ? Oh boy.
You remember the one you earned by slithering to the mailbox like Jabba the Hutt to collect the unbelievable profits that were the result of my groundbreaking design work on lithium technologies, which, by the way, will garner the nobel prize.
So don't You know what, middle-aged boy genius? I am sick of your horse shit.
- We're not finished.
- Unbelievable, this guy.
Bruce, you don't just walk away from me like that.
Uh, this is bad, Marty.
Yeah it's bad, so bad.
Bad is good.
Good is bad.
Come on, if it's a love fest and it's all harmonious in the business, we're fucking fired.
But if the is coming down from the sky - in golf ball-size chunks.
- Which it is.
Oh, that's a good day for us.
'Cause we get to swoop in and put a band-aid on the booboo.
Make it all better.
Chaos, entropy, ka-ching.
Keep going.
Marty, rat man has officially gone nuts.
I have 29 new messages.
I think he likes you.
Where is this asshole? It's fucking hack work.
We're the hottest exterminator company in Southern California, but what I'm getting from Kaan and associates is shit.
It lacks real vision.
Your Your expansion models are lackluster at best.
Okay.
So how could we take it to the next level for you? Because a company like Rathman the rat man deserves real vision to be truly appreciated.
- Absolutely.
So please just don't spray us.
- Yeah.
You don't think I hear the contempt in your clever little comments? Why don't you go back to your pretentious downtown loft and actually try to create an original business plan for once in your fucking lives?! I'm cutting your fee in half starting right now.
- You're doing what? - Unless you want me to walk across the street to your hot ex-wife, who's been calling, by the way.
And I got a feeling that she'd throw me a bang on top of everything else.
No wonder K&A is circling the fucking drain! K what? Uh K&A is is cir We're circling the fucking drain? Marty, it's Marty, I don't think he meant that K&A is actually - circling an actual drain.
- Hey, you know what? It's fine, Doug.
You know, I I agree with you.
K&A is circling the fucking drain.
That's right.
And you know how I know that? Because we are standing next to a termite-infested house talking to an ugly, rat-looking motherfucker, - with a fifth grade education whose mommy - Marty.
Just probably taught him how to dress - Marty - this morning.
- No, Jeannie.
- Yes, Marty.
Marty.
Jeannie, I told you I don't want to see you now, okay? Oh, would you please not be so girly? I mean, I have showed up - Yeah.
- On your doorstep, Marty.
It's very late at night, I'm not wearing any underwear.
Okay.
And it's 'cause I want to give you something to think about - while you're away.
- No, it's because you're drunk.
Oh, you're so girly.
- Jeannie, you got to go, okay? - Hey.
The non-girly Marty would at least throw me a revenge fuck.
- Am I right? Just one more.
- You got to get out.
Marty.
I'm not good with begging.
Please help me out here.
Jeannie, give me your hands.
Okay.
Goo Okay.
Okay.
- Now get out.
- No.
Mmm.
Jesus Christ.
No.
No.
Marty? You you got to go.
Jeannie.
Marty.
Listen, Rob, is it okay if I call you Rob? Sure.
Rob, I have Nightmares about you.
God, no.
Whoops.
You mean dreams.
No, they're nightmares because I'm paralyzed or tied up, and you're sniffing up me on me like a rat on something whatever it is rats like.
- Cheese.
They love cheese.
- It's very disturbing, I've spent a decent amount of time on it in therapy, so I am also ready to tell you to go fuck yourself with your lousy business.
Yeah, not the first time I've been compared unfavorably to a rat.
Your lousy business, which, if you hired Shakespeare, Dostoevsky and Jesus Christ Could never make it sound like anything more than the hot, steaming turd that it is.
Oh, you go, pregnant lady.
- I need a sandwich.
- She needs a fucking sandwich.
- And some ice cream.
- Ice cream.
And some fucking sweet potato fries.
Sweet potato fucking fries.
That was fantastic.
You know I loved it.
But does it mean that we're not gonna get paid again? Are you crazy? You know we can't afford to lose even this shitty account, right? We're broke, completely broke.
We can fix this.
Why don't we go back, talk to him? He'll understand.
You know, Jeannie's a crazy pregnant lady, and Marty's an angry black man Douglas, why don't we stop right there at misogyny and racism unless you want to do the hat trick and compliment Osama Bin Laden again? - Hey, hey! - Hey, hey! I said he was a brilliant strategist! - That's a hat trick.
- There is a difference.
Boys.
Just go close him, Doug.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Can you do it by yourself? - Go back.
- You trust me? - Yes.
Yes, dude.
Do it by yourself.
All right, you won't ditch me? You'll stay here? - Yes, of course.
- Nobody's ditching you.
Okay.
All right, wish me luck.
- Hey, are you ditching me? - Marty, that's leaving.
Well, I think this is going pretty well.
I mean, we're at least getting the work done.
We'll have some billable hours this month.
What? I'm sorry.
I was just saying, um, working together I thought it was going to be harder, uh, after everything and especially given the fact that I'm pregnant.
And all the obvious awkwardness between you and I.
I was saying that I think that it's going pretty well.
Yeah, not really.
Well, not business-wise, but I think, between you and I I don't think that's really going too good at all.
I need you for now, but I can't really get over everything that's happened.
I mean, I'd like to, I'm trying to, but, uh, it's not happening.
And I don't mean to sound like a pussy about this, but I think I was gonna say, 'cause you kind of sound like a pussy.
We need to just get through this transition, and then you should leave for good.
Wait.
As in leave the company? Yeah.
Our company that I own - 50% of? - Yup.
That I built with you, and that I kept running - while you were indisposed? - And and that that you burnt down in a fucking spectacular way with your lies and deceit.
- And your bullshit.
- Marty, I have told you I never - That you somehow got away scot-free.
- You were not intended to be in the middle.
What the fuck your intentions were, Jeannie? Your actions trumped them.
So, what, I'm just supposed to walk into the marketplace, um, eight months pregnant? Look, uh Edgar Ed what's Edwin? - Edwin.
Still.
- Yeah.
Let him take care of you.
That's mean.
Dude's a lawyer, right? He doesn't make enough money to fucking - take care of? I don't - You know, I I'm not planning on dropping everything that I have - and becoming dependent on a man.
- Okay.
- You know what? Uh, I - Just because by the way, - who you - Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
That's none of my business.
That's okay.
This is what it's gonna be like.
I mean, you think it's ever gonna be any different than this? Than what? Than than this.
We're gonna be able to work together for a minute, and then we're gonna hurt each other.
And then we'll get over it, and we'll be able to work together, and we're gonna hurt each other again.
It's cyclical.
Come on.
It's like a A wound just heals just enough, and then we rip the scab off of the fucking thing.
It didn't have to go this way, Marty.
- I mean, I really wanted to - No, but it did.
Oh, I'm so kicking your ass right now.
And I am so getting ripped while you're kicking my ass.
Ooh.
Curls for the girls, huh? Hmm? Oh.
Yeah, I guess.
Whatever.
No, I'm not You know, it doesn't matter who you're doing the curls for.
- It just looks like you're getting - Dad, dad little jacked up, and I I heard the saying before.
It's okay.
Hey, I texted you a couple times last night.
Uh, never heard anything back.
I have, like, 260 unread texts.
Wanted to see if you wanted to go catch a movie or something, but what did you end up doing? Um, just hung out.
With? Uh, Greggo, Skyler, Tom-Tom and Ethan.
Wait a minute.
Are you guys playing the new Xbox? The one we talked about you might get for your birthday? Yeah, totally.
It's pretty awesome.
Yeah, did grandpa? Is this because? I'm gonna go meditate.
No, no.
Meditate on the answer.
- We talked about it.
That's why - No, dad, dad.
- I I didn't - Dad, no, grandpa hates it.
I had some money left over from mom's Christmas money.
I bought it.
That's a lot of leftovers.
Yeah, she's trying to, like, buy my love, even though she's not even sure she wants it.
It's what you call a hedge, if you didn't know.
Roscoe, why don't you give our family the benefit of the doubt? Hey, man, you know, I try, but sometimes it just is what it is.
What's that supposed to mean? Would you like me to state it more obviously for you, dad? - Yeah, I think you better.
- Roscoe, why don't we get off of the hurtful stuff, huh? Grandpa'll make everybody some cappuccino, okay? That is a great idea.
He's getting really good with the foam.
Grandpa, you can't just shuffle around here with your girlfriend.
- And try to make shit out of bon appétit.
- Hey, hey, - Hey, hey, hey.
That's it, okay? Enough.
- Enough? And then what, dad? What, is it getting too real for you? Is it reminding you of, like, hard times? I'm about to make it very real for you - if you don't knock it off.
- Okay, okay, s okay, okay, that's enough, now.
Back up.
Roscoe.
Look, I I know you're upset about everything that happened - Dad - last year, and I'm really Yeah.
I'm sorry.
- Okay? - I'm I'm sorry, too.
That's what I'm We're all good, Marty.
You don't have to worry about me.
Stop calling me Marty.
Crap.
Got to go.
You got where are you going? I told Ethan that I would study with him for AP U.
S.
You told Ethan? - Yeah, I told Ethan.
- Did you ask me? Okay.
Hey, dad.
Is it okay with you if I go study with - Man, get out of here.
- Thank you.
Stop worrying.
Seriously.
- Call me when you get to Ethan's.
- Wouldn't that be so cool if I actually did that? So, was I that bad? No.
Much worse.
Much, much worse.
Jeannie Bean.
Marty Kaan.
Sweet prison wear.
Why, thank you.
Wow.
- Sorry.
- Don't.
I'm not gonna cry.
- Good.
- You don't need all my - On top of everything else.
- I know.
I really don't, Jeannie.
- I really don't.
- Okay.
I just feel like because it's all my fault that Listen, look, I don't really want to go down the regrets and recriminations route today, all right? Okay.
I took the plea deal so that I could get back to work faster.
I did this.
This is my responsibility.
This part of it, anyway.
The rest of it You can keep.
So let's just go through the financials, okay? I'm pregnant, Marty.
Are you telling me that we're It's not No.
Um, after Everything between us, after I showed up at your house like a drunken idiot, I rekindled something with an old college beau Edwin.
Um Ed Edwin? Please don't start.
He's a really decent guy.
We're gonna try to make something work even though he lives - in New York, and - Wow.
I know.
And I'm definitely going to keep the baby.
Mm.
Which is not something I ever thought I would hear myself saying, because I did have all of this mapped out I had my eggs frozen, I was gonna find the perfect sperm, and it would have all the characteristics that I lacked, so that all my faults and imperfections would be erased in my child, and then I was gonna raise said child on my own, with no one else.
I had it all mapped out that it would be me and this baby, and we'd go to the, you know, beach and the park and then fishing and camping and stuff that I don't do, but I would do with her.
We'd have long talks about important and I would be all over the stuff my parents never were.
But then there was Edwin.
I wasn't gonna have the abortion.
And he was willing, so I guess I wanted a baby more than I wanted some perfect, hermetically sealed life.
Okay.
Obviously, we will figure something out - Edwin and I as it gets closer.
- Oh, you know, Jeannie No, it's It's none of my business, really.
I know it's none of your business, Marty, but could you have a feeling about it, at least? Congratulations.
- That's it? - Jeannie, don't push it.
- I'm in fucking prison.
- Okay, all right, sorry.
Is that Ellis Hightower? The electric car guy? Yeah, I guess it is.
What do I have to do to get in here? Commit a felony, grow a penis.
Wait a minute, I think you already did one of those.
Well, I'm gonna work on that penis.
I know you don't want to talk about anything - specifically.
And that's fine.
I just - Oh, my God.
I really don't - want to talk ab - I need you to hear me say that I'm sorry, Marty.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
I think that should be updated.
- These are the quarterlies? - Yeah.
Fuck you.
Fuck you!