Nip/Tuck s04e13 Episode Script
Reefer
Previously on Nip / Tuck Push.
What are you gonna do? I'm not gonna walk away over dumb shit like DNA.
He's not your son, Christian.
He's mine.
What are you saying, James? That you're taking Wilber home with you? Yes.
I simply need the use of McNamara/Troy three nights a week after hours.
No one need know about it.
We just don't belong together anymore.
You think she'll like it? - I could get her the earrings to go with it.
- Yeah, sure.
She can carry it in her Barbie Bling Bling Bag along with her Little Mermaid Tiara.
Annie's only 12, Dad.
Don't you think it's a little extravagant? I think she'll love it.
She'll look just like a princess in it.
You know, she is coming to see you, Dad.
Not for all the loot.
I know.
This is the first time we'll be opening presents without your mother and me together.
I want it to be special.
- Listen, Dad, I - Hey, what do you think? For your mom? I know it's sort of weird, but I'd like to get her something.
I mean, it's Christmas, right? It just feels so strange, you know? Her being in New York with Erica and not with us.
It's her.
Your mother's got a sixth sense, especially when it comes to buying her presents.
Hey.
Mattie and I are just picking up a few things for Conor and Annie.
Did she see a doctor? Did he prescribe Good.
That should clear it up within a week or so.
Kiss her for me, okay? And Conor.
Tell them their presents are coming by reindeer express.
Okay.
Strep.
What are you gonna do? Looks like it's just you, me and Kimber, bud.
Listen, Dad.
I'm sorry, I should've told you sooner.
Kimber and I are going on the Freewinds Scientology Cruise for five days.
We're not gonna be here.
Well, you should've told me, Matt.
I was really counting on the family, or what's left of it, being together.
I know, it's just You know, I got my new family now.
And it's really important to Kimber.
It's a chance for her to advance to the next level, and You know, I can't not go.
Don't worry about it.
We'll celebrate when you get back.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Why don't we grab a cappuccino or something at the bar? Gotta get home.
- Jesus.
- I know.
It's my night to make dinner.
Come here.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Can I get another? A dollar? That the best you can do? Come on, bro.
'Tis the season.
You know what? You're a healthy white dude, who's industrious enough to appropriate a Salvation Army bucket during peak season, so you know what I think? A dollar's more than generous, okay? Now don't be so sensitive.
I just have to do my major fundraising this time of year.
My name is Reefer.
It's not what you think.
I was a surfer when I was young, and the name just sort of stuck, for other reasons.
I knew something smelled like my old dorm room.
Jesus.
Hey, man, I didn't steal this bucket.
- I found it.
- Right.
Next to a woman in a bonnet, ringing a bell? You stay sober, Reefer, and who knows? Maybe Santa'll bring you a job for Christmas.
I got your job right here.
- Oh, yeah.
- Asshole! Crystal.
250 bucks each.
No two are alike.
My sister and I used to make our own decorations.
Popcorn, cotton balls for snow.
Sometimes we'd take the tops off aluminum cans and punch holes through them so the light could shine through.
From cans to crystals.
- You've come a quite long way, baby.
- I know.
But I sort of miss making something from nothing, you know? And the tree.
We would wait till the last minute, pick up the bargain leftover.
Sometimes the branches were half-dead, but at least it was real.
So's this.
I see we're getting an early start on the festivities.
Are these the same ornaments from last year? A slight upgrade, my friend.
It's a harbinger of things to come.
I just got an eight-footer this year for Annie.
She's got strep and can't come.
Hey, why don't you guys stop by? It wouldn't be Christmas Eve without Christian Troy's famous mulled cider.
We can't.
We're going to St.
Petersburg.
Christian booked a room at the Grand Hotel.
Impulse travel.
We're gonna spend a white Christmas somewhere we've never been.
Some impulse.
Can I come? Kidding.
Impulse response.
Really? That's great.
You guys deserve it.
Give my best to Putin.
Hey, Sean, Sean, wait up a sec! I need to give you my 10:30 consult.
It's a little, kind of, provocative for me at this point.
Just consider it an early Christmas present.
And by the way, there's a gift for you from Diana Lubey.
It's on your desk.
Mrs.
Hickock, tell me, what you don't like about yourself? I'm a frigid bitch, according to Hickie.
- Hickie's your husband, I presume? - Yeah.
Well, Hickie is his pet name.
It was either Hickie or Cock, usually followed by "sucker.
" - We're getting divorced.
- Sorry.
So, Hickie was unable to satisfy you? It's not that I don't like sex.
I enjoy sex.
It's just I rarely could go over the waterfall, if you know what I mean.
So for Christmas this year, I have decided to ask Santa for a killer orgasm.
And a new wardrobe.
I see.
Well, since I'm not a couturier, I assume you're here for a G-spot amplification.
If that's where you inject Restylane into my cooch and I come like a house afire, then yeah.
Yes.
Just because my marriage is over, doesn't mean my life is.
That's a very healthy attitude.
I'm going through a divorce myself and the holidays Well, so far they sort of suck ass.
Well, see, we've gotta be proactive.
'Tis the season to stop thinking of others.
We've gotta start thinking about ourselves! For instance, what are you gonna get yourself this holiday season? New suit, perhaps? Something a little less brown, maybe? Sorry.
I'm just rambling.
I guess I'm nervous.
Needles.
It's actually an easy outpatient procedure, whole thing takes 20 minutes, once we zero in on our target.
The G-spot is actually a web of nerve endings and blood vessels located on the anterior wall of the vagina.
It can be tricky to find if you're not used to it.
Sometimes you need a helping hand.
It's somewhere beneath the urethra and extending to the cervix.
Now, let me know when you feel a tingly sensation.
Okay.
You know, you'd look really great in Versace.
Well, thank you.
There's a spongy area that gets engorged during arousal, feels like a little red bean.
The injection swells it, makes it easier to find.
Just do me a favor.
No more Brooks Brothers, okay? You're a young, good-looking guy.
You've got your whole life ahead of you.
So do I.
We gotta stop living for assholes who don't care anything about us.
We gotta start taking care of ourselves, making ourselves happy, 'cause hey, you know what? Hey, we're the only ones who can do it! Do it! Do it! Oh, do it! Do it! Daddy, do it! Oh, do it! Oh, do it.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
Sorry to interrupt.
I knocked but you didn't No, it's fine.
I was just - What can I do for you? - I'm Wendell Sutherland.
You knew my father.
James? Of course.
Of course, yeah.
Come in.
How's your father? My parents were both killed in a car accident, two weeks ago on their way back from church.
I'm so sorry, I - What about Wilber I mean, Gabriel.
- He's fine.
And it's still Wilber.
Little brother wouldn't answer to anything else, so they gave up.
Said they didn't want to confuse him.
If you ask me, the kid's got a stubborn streak.
My father named you legal guardian in his will.
Wow, it's just I'm just a little stunned.
Why didn't he give him to you or your brother? It was hard on us when my father brought Wilber home.
My mother never really got over it.
His betrayal.
It suddenly changed everything, having this baby in the family.
As for me and my brother, we're both in no position right now.
We have our own futures to think about.
My father always talked about how much you loved him.
I did.
I do.
This is a lot to absorb.
What about his mother? My father was very adamant that she have as little to do with Wilber as possible.
He made that very clear in his will.
It's just I'm getting married.
Hey, I get it.
Life changes, huh? If anyone's at fault, it's my father.
He should've let you take him off our hands when you offered to.
- Congratulations on your wedding.
- Thanks.
Wait.
I haven't said no yet.
What'll happen to him if I don't take him? The church'll find him a good home.
They're actually the best foster agency in the state.
Damn.
Look who just stepped off the pages of Gentleman's Quarterly.
What is that shit? Valentino? Gucci.
I bet that ran you, what? Two or three thousand, eh? All right.
I get your point.
Jesus Here's a five, okay? Doc, when a man can afford to look that good, it is a sin to walk around in anything less.
Now what are you doing with all that Brooks Brothers shit? Forget it.
We both know if I give you a suit you'll sell it for a week's supply of Jack.
Hey, asshole, you think Jesus loves you more just 'cause you got money? No.
Do you think Jesus loves you more because you don't? You want to believe there's virtue in your poverty? That's fine.
But don't accuse me of being an asshole because I'm rich.
I'm not going to apologize for it.
I earned it, okay? If it weren't for a lifetime of hard work and sacrifice, I wouldn't be where I am today.
It's all right, Doc.
Clothes don't make the man any more than this does.
Pain is pain, right? Who says I'm in pain? Man, I'm drunk, not blind.
I'm sorry, Christian, but I can't.
I just finished taking care of someone.
I didn't expect to be changing diapers again so soon.
It's life, Michelle.
Shit happens, unexpected shit.
Sometimes, you just got to go with it.
At least with Burt, I owed it to him.
But this isn't my child, Christian.
It isn't even yours.
He felt like mine when he was with me.
- I never even thought about it.
- What about his mother? Why can't she take care of him? His parents wanted what was best for Wilber.
If I don't take him he'll go to a foster home.
I've been there.
I know what it's like, I'm not gonna let that happen to him.
So you'd take him over me? - I want you both.
- But if you had to make a choice? Remember when I asked you to marry me? And you said, "Why don't we live together first, "see how it goes, see if it's right?" Well, why don't you just see how it goes? Meet him.
Hug him.
If it doesn't feel right we'll talk about it then.
We have a problem.
Any idea why Escobar Gallardo would be sending you a ham as a Christmas present? Not a clue.
Because he wants to slaughter us like pigs? Must be some kind of twisted practical joke.
I'm just relieved it's not a bomb.
You were right to call the FBl.
He's obviously trying to maintain contact with you.
Can you think of any reason why? I can't.
Sorry.
- You? - Nope.
Just when I was starting to sleep through the night again.
We'll be installing surveillance cameras on the premises.
I'll also be assigning agents to the periphery of the building.
They're pretty good about being as unobtrusive as possible.
That would be wonderful.
I can't tell you how much safer I feel.
Good.
If you notice anything else suspicious, don't hesitate.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
We appreciate all your help and - Thank you.
- Thank you.
That's a really nice suit.
Gucci? Nice tie.
Did you know that a dog chases his tail when he finds himself in a dilemma he can't resolve? - You can't stay here anymore, James.
- It's pointless behavior, of course.
But they just can't help themselves.
Just have to keep trying.
- You have to listen to me.
- Or? You'll what? Tell the authorities? I don't think so.
You have way too much to lose.
Let's just put up with this tiny inconvenience till I fill my Christmas quota.
Christmas is going to have to come early this year, James.
McNamara/Troy's now under FBl surveillance 24 hours a day.
There's agents outside the entrance until they set the cameras up.
So stay as long as you like.
Just make sure they get your good side.
Michelle.
Thank you for warning me.
That was generous of you.
I would like to think that your decision to tell me indicated that you still have some warm feelings for me.
Think whatever you like.
You'd just be chasing your tail.
Thank God you're not finished yet.
- Hey, doll.
- Hey.
Poppy asked if she could be here.
He's one of her closest friends.
He was my neighbor for like 10 years.
The sweetest guy, too.
Oh, God.
Look at that.
Is he gonna be able to walk? Well, it'll take some time to heal, but once we've debried the necrotic skin and the pieces of melted boot Sucks.
Guy was playing Santa Claus for his kids like he does every year, except this time his ex incinerates him coming down the chimney.
- Maybe he should've called first.
- He did.
They're in the middle of a divorce.
So down he comes, right on time, straight into a lit yule log.
The bitch pretends she forgot he was coming.
Can I get a little saline here? Now everyone's so screwed, too.
He played Santa at our "What a Pair" Breast Cancer Fundraiser last year and he was amazing.
I mean, the kids were just all over him.
You know, they loved him and he was on a high for months afterwards.
All that loving coming to Santa.
Hey, Sean, what are you doing Christmas eve? Well, that's really sweet of you to ask, Poppy.
Actually, I've got this beautiful tree if you No.
I was just thinking maybe you could play Santa.
You know, take some pictures, have some kids sit on your lap.
You would be so cute.
Maybe some other time.
It's not exactly what I had in mind.
Okay, whatever, Mr.
Scrooge, you enjoy your little pity party.
Sorry I'm late.
What is this? The dynamic dyke duo? This is one of Poppy's closest friends.
Come on, Lizzy, even lesbians can enjoy a little levity at Christmas.
You look like you've got enough to go around for everyone.
I am rejoicing.
"For unto us a child hath been born.
" Did I miss something? You don't even believe in God.
I do now.
Guess what.
I inherited Wilber.
I know, I know.
It's a long story, I will explain later.
But my son is back.
Isn't that cool? - Think he'll remember me? - Well, he was very young, Christian.
Yeah, of course, you're right.
It's ridiculous.
He won't remember me.
But you never know, he might.
Anyway, listen.
I gotta be out of here by 3:00, 'cause I gotta go to the lawyer's office to make this whole thing legal.
I'm not letting anybody take him away from me this time.
Go.
What are you doing standing here? You sure? I owe you one.
Wow, that kid is gonna need a shitload of therapy.
Fine.
I'll do the mall thing.
Get me a new pair of boots and I'm in.
Santa could use a little loving.
I don't think that you understand the gravity of the situation that you put me in.
Maybe you're just getting used to a completely new set of sensations.
It's like living on a roller coaster.
The first couple of times? Yeah, thrilling! After a while, you just have to get off.
Shit.
Oh, God, oh, God! Oh, God, oh, goddamn vibrate! "Getting off" doesn't seem to be a problem anymore.
- Are you drunk? - No, of course not.
Yeah, you were drunk when you gave me that shot, weren't you? I knew I smelled it on you.
Don't be ridiculous.
Look, I'll give you some Hyaluronidase to decrease the pressure.
This is just not a problem.
Mrs.
Hickock? I'm Dr.
Troy.
I believe you're unhappy with your G-spot amplification? Yeah, I'm unhappy.
Because of Dr.
McNamara's drinking problem, it is not safe for me to drive a car, or use my clothes dryer, or, oh, my God, show my face again in spin class again.
I'm sure that Dr.
McNamara would never operate under the influence of alcohol.
Absolutely not.
However, we would like to make sure that you're satisfied.
I mean, pleased.
I would like to reverse the procedure and offer you some complimentary BOTOX.
This whole thing will be history in a matter of moments.
Fine.
Whatever.
Just do what you have to do.
I've had enough orgasms for one lifetime and two vaginas.
You're just lucky it's Christmas.
- What the hell do you think you're doing? - I don't know what you're talking about.
- Wanna lose your license? - No.
Then again, I didn't want to lose my family either, but here I am.
This seems to be the only friend I can count on for comfort.
I didn't realize you were in such a bad state.
That's because you live in a remote little country called "Christian-land.
" I would have been there for you if you'd just lost your wife and kids.
I wouldn't be flying to Moscow with my fiancée over Christmas on an impulse.
We're not going anymore.
We're staying put with Wilber.
Look, it's all so new, you know? We need to stay together as a family, to bond, you know what it's like.
Yeah, I know what it's like.
I had a family once.
You were part of it.
Pretty stupid of me to think that I'd be part of yours.
Come in.
His bags are in the lobby.
Wow.
Look at you.
You're such a big boy.
You probably don't remember me, but I remember you way back when you were a tiny, tiny little baby.
Daddy.
Yes, I am your daddy.
We're gonna have so much fun together.
Did you know that? And I'm going to take really good care of you, I promise.
I love you.
Hey, guys.
Hang on, Santa will be out in just a minute, okay? Okay.
Where the hell is Sean? We're getting a little backed up over here.
- Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
Okay.
- Merrily, come here! Tell Santa to stop feeding his reindeer and get his jolly ass out here.
- Hi.
- Got it.
Poppy says your break's up.
Hey, do you, do you know Marlowe? - Marlowe? Which elf is he? - He was my wife's elf.
I thought maybe you all knew each other.
Looks like Santa needs a little hand.
Are you a friend of Poppy's? You know, lesbian? I've been known to dabble.
But every now and then, Santa's helper enjoys a good North Pole, if you know what I mean.
Why you little ho-ho-ho.
So, what do you want for Christmas? I want a GT full-suspension mountain bike with a new hydroformed downtube and a zero stack headtube.
Why? So you can crack your head wide open going downhill at breakneck speed? Won't feel like such a big man then, will you? And I want a big chocolate cake with chocolate bunnies and a whole house made of chocolate-chocolate chip.
Great.
You want Santa to bring you diabetes.
Is that it? Is your mom single? She's got nice tits.
And I bought her this beautiful necklace with this little red crystal heart.
I'll bet she looks just like a real princess in it.
You think she'll like it? Okay, okay, you know, Santa's a little sad today.
It's okay, one of his reindeer died.
Okay, so run along.
Thank you, Liz.
You were right.
I'm so glad I did this.
Everybody loves Santa.
We're actually losing money on these photos.
Santa is freaking these kids out.
Nothing but love, it's waves of love.
You want a latte? A latte? Well, that'd be great.
Santa could definitely use a little beverage.
Okay You want a little help to the workshop? - I'm okay.
I'm just a little tired.
- It's okay, it's all right.
- I know, sweetheart.
I know.
- It's just too much love.
And don't forget, this is not the real Santa, okay? This one's just pretend.
So there's no need to get scared.
It's just Uncle Sean dressed up like Santa.
Oh, my God, Christian, he is so cute.
Wilber, you are adorable! I'm your Auntie Liz.
And this is Auntie Poppy.
- And isn't he adorable? - He is cute, don't get any ideas.
Well, we came to see Santa.
Right? Didn't we? And do a little shopping.
Yeah.
Well, you know, Santa is a little overwhelmed right now.
I think it's all a little bit too much with all the stuff.
- Right.
- With Julia and everything.
And you know, Santa is in his workshop and he's resting.
Did you hear that? Santa is in his workshop.
Wanna go see if he's making toys? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing here? - Getting a suntan.
I come at night when it's not so crowded.
You don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere anymore, so why not here? Right across from my office.
Hey, you should get that looked at.
It could get infected.
My HMO doesn't cover bum fights.
- You got in a fight? - Yeah.
I got paid 20 bucks.
It's the newest sport.
You get a couple of assholes desperate enough to kill each other, then go at it.
I figured I could get some money to buy my daughter a Christmas present.
Damn foster parents spent all the money on their own kids.
What's her name? Lucy.
She hasn't had a decent Christmas since her mama died.
What the hell.
All the stores are closed anyway.
I'll do like you said, just use it to get me some Jack for another day.
Want some? Go on.
- Hey, what the hell are you doing? - What the hell are you doing? Pain's pain, remember? You wanna come down here in the hole with me? 'Cause right now you're just circling the rim.
If you fall down, you'll find the walls are so steep you'll never get out.
That's where I wanna to be.
Where it's so dark nobody knows who you are or what you've become.
I know.
You're just going through the dark night of the soul.
But you still got light in you.
You gotta hang on to that.
Your nose looks broken.
And you could use some stitches.
My office is not far.
All right.
I think you're good to go.
What about you? I think I'm good to go, too.
All right, then.
You know, there's only one other patient in recovery.
Why don't you stay here tonight? Warm bed.
Quiet.
You can take a shower in the morning.
Clean sheets.
It's been a while.
Look.
I don't know what your plans are tomorrow, but if you'd like to stop by my place, have a bite to eat.
This is my address.
I'll give you a couple of suits.
If you don't mind brown Brooks Brothers.
Beggars can't be choosers.
You're not a beggar.
You're not an asshole.
Hey, Doc.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
It's cool, huh? That's it.
You just put it on here and then it's hanging.
There she is.
Let's go say hello to her.
Come on.
Come on over.
Come on.
Hi.
You must be Wilber.
It's really nice to meet you.
I'm Michelle.
And that is the most beautiful tree I have ever seen.
Ever.
Can I help you finish decorating it? Let's go show her how to decorate the tree, shall we? Give me a kiss? Okay, come on, let's show her! You can get up? Up the tree? Okay.
Let's show her exactly how to do this.
'Cause I'm sure she can't remember.
Okey-dokey.
Let's put it on the tree.
Hello? Need anything before I go? I thought the place was deserted.
I'm solo on Christmas eve, too.
There's a guy in recovery.
I don't know if you're up to it, but he could certainly use a friend.
Yes.
Well, we all could.
- Good night.
- Night.
It's awful being alone on Christmas Eve, isn't it? Care to join me? I'm on the wagon.
On Christmas eve? Nonsense.
It's a 1991 Philipponnat.
It's perfection.
Makes life worth living.
Takes the sting out of being away from one's family and one's friends.
- I don't have any.
- No? Except a daughter.
- Far as she's concerned, I'm dead.
- That is so sad.
Well, we'll be each other's family this Christmas eve, shall we? After all, we're all alone.
Just the two of us.
Even the night nurse is gone.
- I'm James.
- That's a man's name.
In French, j'aime means, "I love.
" Reefer.
Well, that's the same in any language, isn't it? It's absolutely heavenly.
Bubbles going to my head.
Reefer, wouldn't you like to join me? I feel pathetic drinking alone.
Just a little.
Isn't champagne positively magic? One glass and all your troubles vanish into thin air.
Cheers.
Why didn't you tell me he was black? It's just not something I ever thought about.
All I see when I look at him is him.
He's like a little angel come to us on Christmas.
One of Burt's plant managers.
Hello? I'll be right there.
A pipe burst in one of Burt's medical supply plants.
It's Christmas eve.
- We're just about to eat.
- I know.
I won't be long.
I'll call you on the way back.
Oh, my God.
- What have you done? - Such shock? Surely in med school you must've encountered a cadaver or two.
What kind of monster are you? This was a human being! He had no family or friends.
His only skill was drinking.
At least we gave him an opportunity to contribute something to society.
And contribute he did.
Briana made a pretty clean sweep of him.
Of course his liver was useless.
She snuck them out in a Gucci travel bag, a little Christmas present from me.
- Then what do you need me for? - Clean-up, darling.
Garbage disposal.
Or would you prefer that I left him there on the table for the FBl to discover in the morning? I can't.
I can't do this any more, James.
I can't.
Please.
Imagine trying to explain this to your future husband? It could ruin everything you've worked for, n'est-ce pas? I couldn't do that to you.
Not on Christmas.
And after I cut him up, how do you suppose we get him out of here unnoticed? There are agents surrounding the building.
Do your work, darling, and I'll attend to the details.
Mrs.
Landau? - Agent Kraft.
- Friend of yours? - She's a patient.
Was - Yeah.
She's been discharged for Christmas.
We're doing volunteer work together.
Need some help with that? No, no we can manage.
Toys.
We deliver them to the children's hospital.
Pass them around.
That's nice.
Thinking of others on Christmas eve.
Thanks for keeping an eye on the place.
It feels good to know that you're here.
Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wilber wanted to spend Christmas with his Uncle Sean, and I wanted to check up on Santa.
I was worried about him.
What happened to Michelle? She come down with the flu or something? A pipe at one of Burt's plants burst.
That's price you pay for being in love with a businesswoman, I guess.
Well, I've got some Christmas chicken noodle soup cooking.
- Or we could order out.
- Chicken noodle soup? Chicken noodle soup? We love chicken noodle soup.
Do you like chicken noodle soup? Do you like chicken noodle soup? Do you like it? Yeah, we like chicken noodle soup.
Hey, you wanna help me finish decorating the tree? Yeah? Come here.
All right.
It's right in here.
- Can I come, too? - Yeah, you can come.
See there? We got this.
You hold it by the string, and you put it as high as you can, okay? Here.
You just got to pick the right branch.
That's high, too.
Very high
What are you gonna do? I'm not gonna walk away over dumb shit like DNA.
He's not your son, Christian.
He's mine.
What are you saying, James? That you're taking Wilber home with you? Yes.
I simply need the use of McNamara/Troy three nights a week after hours.
No one need know about it.
We just don't belong together anymore.
You think she'll like it? - I could get her the earrings to go with it.
- Yeah, sure.
She can carry it in her Barbie Bling Bling Bag along with her Little Mermaid Tiara.
Annie's only 12, Dad.
Don't you think it's a little extravagant? I think she'll love it.
She'll look just like a princess in it.
You know, she is coming to see you, Dad.
Not for all the loot.
I know.
This is the first time we'll be opening presents without your mother and me together.
I want it to be special.
- Listen, Dad, I - Hey, what do you think? For your mom? I know it's sort of weird, but I'd like to get her something.
I mean, it's Christmas, right? It just feels so strange, you know? Her being in New York with Erica and not with us.
It's her.
Your mother's got a sixth sense, especially when it comes to buying her presents.
Hey.
Mattie and I are just picking up a few things for Conor and Annie.
Did she see a doctor? Did he prescribe Good.
That should clear it up within a week or so.
Kiss her for me, okay? And Conor.
Tell them their presents are coming by reindeer express.
Okay.
Strep.
What are you gonna do? Looks like it's just you, me and Kimber, bud.
Listen, Dad.
I'm sorry, I should've told you sooner.
Kimber and I are going on the Freewinds Scientology Cruise for five days.
We're not gonna be here.
Well, you should've told me, Matt.
I was really counting on the family, or what's left of it, being together.
I know, it's just You know, I got my new family now.
And it's really important to Kimber.
It's a chance for her to advance to the next level, and You know, I can't not go.
Don't worry about it.
We'll celebrate when you get back.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Why don't we grab a cappuccino or something at the bar? Gotta get home.
- Jesus.
- I know.
It's my night to make dinner.
Come here.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Can I get another? A dollar? That the best you can do? Come on, bro.
'Tis the season.
You know what? You're a healthy white dude, who's industrious enough to appropriate a Salvation Army bucket during peak season, so you know what I think? A dollar's more than generous, okay? Now don't be so sensitive.
I just have to do my major fundraising this time of year.
My name is Reefer.
It's not what you think.
I was a surfer when I was young, and the name just sort of stuck, for other reasons.
I knew something smelled like my old dorm room.
Jesus.
Hey, man, I didn't steal this bucket.
- I found it.
- Right.
Next to a woman in a bonnet, ringing a bell? You stay sober, Reefer, and who knows? Maybe Santa'll bring you a job for Christmas.
I got your job right here.
- Oh, yeah.
- Asshole! Crystal.
250 bucks each.
No two are alike.
My sister and I used to make our own decorations.
Popcorn, cotton balls for snow.
Sometimes we'd take the tops off aluminum cans and punch holes through them so the light could shine through.
From cans to crystals.
- You've come a quite long way, baby.
- I know.
But I sort of miss making something from nothing, you know? And the tree.
We would wait till the last minute, pick up the bargain leftover.
Sometimes the branches were half-dead, but at least it was real.
So's this.
I see we're getting an early start on the festivities.
Are these the same ornaments from last year? A slight upgrade, my friend.
It's a harbinger of things to come.
I just got an eight-footer this year for Annie.
She's got strep and can't come.
Hey, why don't you guys stop by? It wouldn't be Christmas Eve without Christian Troy's famous mulled cider.
We can't.
We're going to St.
Petersburg.
Christian booked a room at the Grand Hotel.
Impulse travel.
We're gonna spend a white Christmas somewhere we've never been.
Some impulse.
Can I come? Kidding.
Impulse response.
Really? That's great.
You guys deserve it.
Give my best to Putin.
Hey, Sean, Sean, wait up a sec! I need to give you my 10:30 consult.
It's a little, kind of, provocative for me at this point.
Just consider it an early Christmas present.
And by the way, there's a gift for you from Diana Lubey.
It's on your desk.
Mrs.
Hickock, tell me, what you don't like about yourself? I'm a frigid bitch, according to Hickie.
- Hickie's your husband, I presume? - Yeah.
Well, Hickie is his pet name.
It was either Hickie or Cock, usually followed by "sucker.
" - We're getting divorced.
- Sorry.
So, Hickie was unable to satisfy you? It's not that I don't like sex.
I enjoy sex.
It's just I rarely could go over the waterfall, if you know what I mean.
So for Christmas this year, I have decided to ask Santa for a killer orgasm.
And a new wardrobe.
I see.
Well, since I'm not a couturier, I assume you're here for a G-spot amplification.
If that's where you inject Restylane into my cooch and I come like a house afire, then yeah.
Yes.
Just because my marriage is over, doesn't mean my life is.
That's a very healthy attitude.
I'm going through a divorce myself and the holidays Well, so far they sort of suck ass.
Well, see, we've gotta be proactive.
'Tis the season to stop thinking of others.
We've gotta start thinking about ourselves! For instance, what are you gonna get yourself this holiday season? New suit, perhaps? Something a little less brown, maybe? Sorry.
I'm just rambling.
I guess I'm nervous.
Needles.
It's actually an easy outpatient procedure, whole thing takes 20 minutes, once we zero in on our target.
The G-spot is actually a web of nerve endings and blood vessels located on the anterior wall of the vagina.
It can be tricky to find if you're not used to it.
Sometimes you need a helping hand.
It's somewhere beneath the urethra and extending to the cervix.
Now, let me know when you feel a tingly sensation.
Okay.
You know, you'd look really great in Versace.
Well, thank you.
There's a spongy area that gets engorged during arousal, feels like a little red bean.
The injection swells it, makes it easier to find.
Just do me a favor.
No more Brooks Brothers, okay? You're a young, good-looking guy.
You've got your whole life ahead of you.
So do I.
We gotta stop living for assholes who don't care anything about us.
We gotta start taking care of ourselves, making ourselves happy, 'cause hey, you know what? Hey, we're the only ones who can do it! Do it! Do it! Oh, do it! Do it! Daddy, do it! Oh, do it! Oh, do it.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
Sorry to interrupt.
I knocked but you didn't No, it's fine.
I was just - What can I do for you? - I'm Wendell Sutherland.
You knew my father.
James? Of course.
Of course, yeah.
Come in.
How's your father? My parents were both killed in a car accident, two weeks ago on their way back from church.
I'm so sorry, I - What about Wilber I mean, Gabriel.
- He's fine.
And it's still Wilber.
Little brother wouldn't answer to anything else, so they gave up.
Said they didn't want to confuse him.
If you ask me, the kid's got a stubborn streak.
My father named you legal guardian in his will.
Wow, it's just I'm just a little stunned.
Why didn't he give him to you or your brother? It was hard on us when my father brought Wilber home.
My mother never really got over it.
His betrayal.
It suddenly changed everything, having this baby in the family.
As for me and my brother, we're both in no position right now.
We have our own futures to think about.
My father always talked about how much you loved him.
I did.
I do.
This is a lot to absorb.
What about his mother? My father was very adamant that she have as little to do with Wilber as possible.
He made that very clear in his will.
It's just I'm getting married.
Hey, I get it.
Life changes, huh? If anyone's at fault, it's my father.
He should've let you take him off our hands when you offered to.
- Congratulations on your wedding.
- Thanks.
Wait.
I haven't said no yet.
What'll happen to him if I don't take him? The church'll find him a good home.
They're actually the best foster agency in the state.
Damn.
Look who just stepped off the pages of Gentleman's Quarterly.
What is that shit? Valentino? Gucci.
I bet that ran you, what? Two or three thousand, eh? All right.
I get your point.
Jesus Here's a five, okay? Doc, when a man can afford to look that good, it is a sin to walk around in anything less.
Now what are you doing with all that Brooks Brothers shit? Forget it.
We both know if I give you a suit you'll sell it for a week's supply of Jack.
Hey, asshole, you think Jesus loves you more just 'cause you got money? No.
Do you think Jesus loves you more because you don't? You want to believe there's virtue in your poverty? That's fine.
But don't accuse me of being an asshole because I'm rich.
I'm not going to apologize for it.
I earned it, okay? If it weren't for a lifetime of hard work and sacrifice, I wouldn't be where I am today.
It's all right, Doc.
Clothes don't make the man any more than this does.
Pain is pain, right? Who says I'm in pain? Man, I'm drunk, not blind.
I'm sorry, Christian, but I can't.
I just finished taking care of someone.
I didn't expect to be changing diapers again so soon.
It's life, Michelle.
Shit happens, unexpected shit.
Sometimes, you just got to go with it.
At least with Burt, I owed it to him.
But this isn't my child, Christian.
It isn't even yours.
He felt like mine when he was with me.
- I never even thought about it.
- What about his mother? Why can't she take care of him? His parents wanted what was best for Wilber.
If I don't take him he'll go to a foster home.
I've been there.
I know what it's like, I'm not gonna let that happen to him.
So you'd take him over me? - I want you both.
- But if you had to make a choice? Remember when I asked you to marry me? And you said, "Why don't we live together first, "see how it goes, see if it's right?" Well, why don't you just see how it goes? Meet him.
Hug him.
If it doesn't feel right we'll talk about it then.
We have a problem.
Any idea why Escobar Gallardo would be sending you a ham as a Christmas present? Not a clue.
Because he wants to slaughter us like pigs? Must be some kind of twisted practical joke.
I'm just relieved it's not a bomb.
You were right to call the FBl.
He's obviously trying to maintain contact with you.
Can you think of any reason why? I can't.
Sorry.
- You? - Nope.
Just when I was starting to sleep through the night again.
We'll be installing surveillance cameras on the premises.
I'll also be assigning agents to the periphery of the building.
They're pretty good about being as unobtrusive as possible.
That would be wonderful.
I can't tell you how much safer I feel.
Good.
If you notice anything else suspicious, don't hesitate.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
We appreciate all your help and - Thank you.
- Thank you.
That's a really nice suit.
Gucci? Nice tie.
Did you know that a dog chases his tail when he finds himself in a dilemma he can't resolve? - You can't stay here anymore, James.
- It's pointless behavior, of course.
But they just can't help themselves.
Just have to keep trying.
- You have to listen to me.
- Or? You'll what? Tell the authorities? I don't think so.
You have way too much to lose.
Let's just put up with this tiny inconvenience till I fill my Christmas quota.
Christmas is going to have to come early this year, James.
McNamara/Troy's now under FBl surveillance 24 hours a day.
There's agents outside the entrance until they set the cameras up.
So stay as long as you like.
Just make sure they get your good side.
Michelle.
Thank you for warning me.
That was generous of you.
I would like to think that your decision to tell me indicated that you still have some warm feelings for me.
Think whatever you like.
You'd just be chasing your tail.
Thank God you're not finished yet.
- Hey, doll.
- Hey.
Poppy asked if she could be here.
He's one of her closest friends.
He was my neighbor for like 10 years.
The sweetest guy, too.
Oh, God.
Look at that.
Is he gonna be able to walk? Well, it'll take some time to heal, but once we've debried the necrotic skin and the pieces of melted boot Sucks.
Guy was playing Santa Claus for his kids like he does every year, except this time his ex incinerates him coming down the chimney.
- Maybe he should've called first.
- He did.
They're in the middle of a divorce.
So down he comes, right on time, straight into a lit yule log.
The bitch pretends she forgot he was coming.
Can I get a little saline here? Now everyone's so screwed, too.
He played Santa at our "What a Pair" Breast Cancer Fundraiser last year and he was amazing.
I mean, the kids were just all over him.
You know, they loved him and he was on a high for months afterwards.
All that loving coming to Santa.
Hey, Sean, what are you doing Christmas eve? Well, that's really sweet of you to ask, Poppy.
Actually, I've got this beautiful tree if you No.
I was just thinking maybe you could play Santa.
You know, take some pictures, have some kids sit on your lap.
You would be so cute.
Maybe some other time.
It's not exactly what I had in mind.
Okay, whatever, Mr.
Scrooge, you enjoy your little pity party.
Sorry I'm late.
What is this? The dynamic dyke duo? This is one of Poppy's closest friends.
Come on, Lizzy, even lesbians can enjoy a little levity at Christmas.
You look like you've got enough to go around for everyone.
I am rejoicing.
"For unto us a child hath been born.
" Did I miss something? You don't even believe in God.
I do now.
Guess what.
I inherited Wilber.
I know, I know.
It's a long story, I will explain later.
But my son is back.
Isn't that cool? - Think he'll remember me? - Well, he was very young, Christian.
Yeah, of course, you're right.
It's ridiculous.
He won't remember me.
But you never know, he might.
Anyway, listen.
I gotta be out of here by 3:00, 'cause I gotta go to the lawyer's office to make this whole thing legal.
I'm not letting anybody take him away from me this time.
Go.
What are you doing standing here? You sure? I owe you one.
Wow, that kid is gonna need a shitload of therapy.
Fine.
I'll do the mall thing.
Get me a new pair of boots and I'm in.
Santa could use a little loving.
I don't think that you understand the gravity of the situation that you put me in.
Maybe you're just getting used to a completely new set of sensations.
It's like living on a roller coaster.
The first couple of times? Yeah, thrilling! After a while, you just have to get off.
Shit.
Oh, God, oh, God! Oh, God, oh, goddamn vibrate! "Getting off" doesn't seem to be a problem anymore.
- Are you drunk? - No, of course not.
Yeah, you were drunk when you gave me that shot, weren't you? I knew I smelled it on you.
Don't be ridiculous.
Look, I'll give you some Hyaluronidase to decrease the pressure.
This is just not a problem.
Mrs.
Hickock? I'm Dr.
Troy.
I believe you're unhappy with your G-spot amplification? Yeah, I'm unhappy.
Because of Dr.
McNamara's drinking problem, it is not safe for me to drive a car, or use my clothes dryer, or, oh, my God, show my face again in spin class again.
I'm sure that Dr.
McNamara would never operate under the influence of alcohol.
Absolutely not.
However, we would like to make sure that you're satisfied.
I mean, pleased.
I would like to reverse the procedure and offer you some complimentary BOTOX.
This whole thing will be history in a matter of moments.
Fine.
Whatever.
Just do what you have to do.
I've had enough orgasms for one lifetime and two vaginas.
You're just lucky it's Christmas.
- What the hell do you think you're doing? - I don't know what you're talking about.
- Wanna lose your license? - No.
Then again, I didn't want to lose my family either, but here I am.
This seems to be the only friend I can count on for comfort.
I didn't realize you were in such a bad state.
That's because you live in a remote little country called "Christian-land.
" I would have been there for you if you'd just lost your wife and kids.
I wouldn't be flying to Moscow with my fiancée over Christmas on an impulse.
We're not going anymore.
We're staying put with Wilber.
Look, it's all so new, you know? We need to stay together as a family, to bond, you know what it's like.
Yeah, I know what it's like.
I had a family once.
You were part of it.
Pretty stupid of me to think that I'd be part of yours.
Come in.
His bags are in the lobby.
Wow.
Look at you.
You're such a big boy.
You probably don't remember me, but I remember you way back when you were a tiny, tiny little baby.
Daddy.
Yes, I am your daddy.
We're gonna have so much fun together.
Did you know that? And I'm going to take really good care of you, I promise.
I love you.
Hey, guys.
Hang on, Santa will be out in just a minute, okay? Okay.
Where the hell is Sean? We're getting a little backed up over here.
- Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
Okay.
- Merrily, come here! Tell Santa to stop feeding his reindeer and get his jolly ass out here.
- Hi.
- Got it.
Poppy says your break's up.
Hey, do you, do you know Marlowe? - Marlowe? Which elf is he? - He was my wife's elf.
I thought maybe you all knew each other.
Looks like Santa needs a little hand.
Are you a friend of Poppy's? You know, lesbian? I've been known to dabble.
But every now and then, Santa's helper enjoys a good North Pole, if you know what I mean.
Why you little ho-ho-ho.
So, what do you want for Christmas? I want a GT full-suspension mountain bike with a new hydroformed downtube and a zero stack headtube.
Why? So you can crack your head wide open going downhill at breakneck speed? Won't feel like such a big man then, will you? And I want a big chocolate cake with chocolate bunnies and a whole house made of chocolate-chocolate chip.
Great.
You want Santa to bring you diabetes.
Is that it? Is your mom single? She's got nice tits.
And I bought her this beautiful necklace with this little red crystal heart.
I'll bet she looks just like a real princess in it.
You think she'll like it? Okay, okay, you know, Santa's a little sad today.
It's okay, one of his reindeer died.
Okay, so run along.
Thank you, Liz.
You were right.
I'm so glad I did this.
Everybody loves Santa.
We're actually losing money on these photos.
Santa is freaking these kids out.
Nothing but love, it's waves of love.
You want a latte? A latte? Well, that'd be great.
Santa could definitely use a little beverage.
Okay You want a little help to the workshop? - I'm okay.
I'm just a little tired.
- It's okay, it's all right.
- I know, sweetheart.
I know.
- It's just too much love.
And don't forget, this is not the real Santa, okay? This one's just pretend.
So there's no need to get scared.
It's just Uncle Sean dressed up like Santa.
Oh, my God, Christian, he is so cute.
Wilber, you are adorable! I'm your Auntie Liz.
And this is Auntie Poppy.
- And isn't he adorable? - He is cute, don't get any ideas.
Well, we came to see Santa.
Right? Didn't we? And do a little shopping.
Yeah.
Well, you know, Santa is a little overwhelmed right now.
I think it's all a little bit too much with all the stuff.
- Right.
- With Julia and everything.
And you know, Santa is in his workshop and he's resting.
Did you hear that? Santa is in his workshop.
Wanna go see if he's making toys? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing here? - Getting a suntan.
I come at night when it's not so crowded.
You don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere anymore, so why not here? Right across from my office.
Hey, you should get that looked at.
It could get infected.
My HMO doesn't cover bum fights.
- You got in a fight? - Yeah.
I got paid 20 bucks.
It's the newest sport.
You get a couple of assholes desperate enough to kill each other, then go at it.
I figured I could get some money to buy my daughter a Christmas present.
Damn foster parents spent all the money on their own kids.
What's her name? Lucy.
She hasn't had a decent Christmas since her mama died.
What the hell.
All the stores are closed anyway.
I'll do like you said, just use it to get me some Jack for another day.
Want some? Go on.
- Hey, what the hell are you doing? - What the hell are you doing? Pain's pain, remember? You wanna come down here in the hole with me? 'Cause right now you're just circling the rim.
If you fall down, you'll find the walls are so steep you'll never get out.
That's where I wanna to be.
Where it's so dark nobody knows who you are or what you've become.
I know.
You're just going through the dark night of the soul.
But you still got light in you.
You gotta hang on to that.
Your nose looks broken.
And you could use some stitches.
My office is not far.
All right.
I think you're good to go.
What about you? I think I'm good to go, too.
All right, then.
You know, there's only one other patient in recovery.
Why don't you stay here tonight? Warm bed.
Quiet.
You can take a shower in the morning.
Clean sheets.
It's been a while.
Look.
I don't know what your plans are tomorrow, but if you'd like to stop by my place, have a bite to eat.
This is my address.
I'll give you a couple of suits.
If you don't mind brown Brooks Brothers.
Beggars can't be choosers.
You're not a beggar.
You're not an asshole.
Hey, Doc.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
It's cool, huh? That's it.
You just put it on here and then it's hanging.
There she is.
Let's go say hello to her.
Come on.
Come on over.
Come on.
Hi.
You must be Wilber.
It's really nice to meet you.
I'm Michelle.
And that is the most beautiful tree I have ever seen.
Ever.
Can I help you finish decorating it? Let's go show her how to decorate the tree, shall we? Give me a kiss? Okay, come on, let's show her! You can get up? Up the tree? Okay.
Let's show her exactly how to do this.
'Cause I'm sure she can't remember.
Okey-dokey.
Let's put it on the tree.
Hello? Need anything before I go? I thought the place was deserted.
I'm solo on Christmas eve, too.
There's a guy in recovery.
I don't know if you're up to it, but he could certainly use a friend.
Yes.
Well, we all could.
- Good night.
- Night.
It's awful being alone on Christmas Eve, isn't it? Care to join me? I'm on the wagon.
On Christmas eve? Nonsense.
It's a 1991 Philipponnat.
It's perfection.
Makes life worth living.
Takes the sting out of being away from one's family and one's friends.
- I don't have any.
- No? Except a daughter.
- Far as she's concerned, I'm dead.
- That is so sad.
Well, we'll be each other's family this Christmas eve, shall we? After all, we're all alone.
Just the two of us.
Even the night nurse is gone.
- I'm James.
- That's a man's name.
In French, j'aime means, "I love.
" Reefer.
Well, that's the same in any language, isn't it? It's absolutely heavenly.
Bubbles going to my head.
Reefer, wouldn't you like to join me? I feel pathetic drinking alone.
Just a little.
Isn't champagne positively magic? One glass and all your troubles vanish into thin air.
Cheers.
Why didn't you tell me he was black? It's just not something I ever thought about.
All I see when I look at him is him.
He's like a little angel come to us on Christmas.
One of Burt's plant managers.
Hello? I'll be right there.
A pipe burst in one of Burt's medical supply plants.
It's Christmas eve.
- We're just about to eat.
- I know.
I won't be long.
I'll call you on the way back.
Oh, my God.
- What have you done? - Such shock? Surely in med school you must've encountered a cadaver or two.
What kind of monster are you? This was a human being! He had no family or friends.
His only skill was drinking.
At least we gave him an opportunity to contribute something to society.
And contribute he did.
Briana made a pretty clean sweep of him.
Of course his liver was useless.
She snuck them out in a Gucci travel bag, a little Christmas present from me.
- Then what do you need me for? - Clean-up, darling.
Garbage disposal.
Or would you prefer that I left him there on the table for the FBl to discover in the morning? I can't.
I can't do this any more, James.
I can't.
Please.
Imagine trying to explain this to your future husband? It could ruin everything you've worked for, n'est-ce pas? I couldn't do that to you.
Not on Christmas.
And after I cut him up, how do you suppose we get him out of here unnoticed? There are agents surrounding the building.
Do your work, darling, and I'll attend to the details.
Mrs.
Landau? - Agent Kraft.
- Friend of yours? - She's a patient.
Was - Yeah.
She's been discharged for Christmas.
We're doing volunteer work together.
Need some help with that? No, no we can manage.
Toys.
We deliver them to the children's hospital.
Pass them around.
That's nice.
Thinking of others on Christmas eve.
Thanks for keeping an eye on the place.
It feels good to know that you're here.
Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wilber wanted to spend Christmas with his Uncle Sean, and I wanted to check up on Santa.
I was worried about him.
What happened to Michelle? She come down with the flu or something? A pipe at one of Burt's plants burst.
That's price you pay for being in love with a businesswoman, I guess.
Well, I've got some Christmas chicken noodle soup cooking.
- Or we could order out.
- Chicken noodle soup? Chicken noodle soup? We love chicken noodle soup.
Do you like chicken noodle soup? Do you like chicken noodle soup? Do you like it? Yeah, we like chicken noodle soup.
Hey, you wanna help me finish decorating the tree? Yeah? Come here.
All right.
It's right in here.
- Can I come, too? - Yeah, you can come.
See there? We got this.
You hold it by the string, and you put it as high as you can, okay? Here.
You just got to pick the right branch.
That's high, too.
Very high